Sometimes they do, if they think someone is on the wrong way, addicted to something, and try to help but they ignore or are incapable of understanding.
this is totally true, but also sometime in the longterm future it is completely possible that you see improvement, everyone's emotional regulation is different but there is hope to become less overwhelmed by your emotions by taking little steps
This literally happened today! Told a work friend about something I am doing which will help me level up professionally and their reaction to it was, well lets just say "not encouraging" which made me a little sad but it honestly only took a second to realise that it was them who were being reactive to the situation and whatever they are saying is their opinion based on their life choices and has absolutely nothing to do with me and the choices I am making for my own life
An advice I’ve gotten from my mom is to not tell people your big plans until you’ve achieved them. Not everyone around us has the best intentions. Sadly many people put on a facade.
Piece of advice love if you don’t mind. There’s no such thing as a work friend. Sure you might meet someone amazing through your job that you have a genuine connection with but that’s extremely rare. Most people you work with will be friendly in your face to keep peace while at work, but have no issue throwing you under the bus to save their own ass or they may even see you as competition. Never talk to anyone at work about your personal life,especially where career goals are concerned. If you speak about your goals and dreams and someone intentionally discourages you, that’s not your friend.
That's a good sign to analyze why they are triggering. Only after few years of therapy I started noticing that bully‐type persons, who are eager to share their judgement on others triggered me this way. I started realizing that if they want to use me as bucket to dump all their friends secrects and be gleeful on their distresses means that propably they are not trustworthy and are doing the same about you! It was just my intuition warning, but based on lifelong patterns of having to be around bullies just had fucked with my head. And boy did it get better after not having to spend your energy dealing with that person anymore!
I’m only 6 minutes in and I find that when I don’t tell people off like for example after receiving a nasty comment, that’s when I ruminate about it. It’s like a fire in my chest that I need to release.
That act is taking the comment personally and feeling the need to defend yourself- character, beliefs, or identity . Essentially giving your time and energy to that person. I try to NOT sit with it, since I know that if so turned off my device and just lived my life, they’re probably doing the same. I am reopening the receiving of their opinion that is just that, words. It also is just the past robbing of the present the more focus it steals. Don’t feed the trolls. Don’t match energy. Ignore since it should be ridiculous they said whatever since they don’t know the true you, and even it’s it family or friends they shouldn’t hold weight on your peace or identity. Seek freedom and detachment, we decide and honor it for ourselves. Triggers make us reactive. Break the cycle by changing the way you react.
I learned many ways to deal with this feeling as someone who used to be very confrontational. First you think to yourself is it really worth my time and energy to yell at this person or say something back to this person. be realistic, and if the answer is no, then take a deep breath and realize that this person is just projecting onto you and you have nothing to do with what they think. If the answer is yes, then try to do a little trick like “what do you mean by that?” or “what” Acting clueless when someone is being rude to you can embarrass the person being rude to you (basically make them look petty and stupid). If that doesn’t work, you can make a small comment like “oh” or “ok” with a dissatisfied look on your face which can also embarrass them.
Hang on blondeegirl ❤ you are not alone in that kind of thinking. However, you didn't come this far only to come this far. 🎉 And neither did I. We overcome our challenges 💪 😊 and journey on.
Hi blondeegirl . Yes I know how it feels to have bad envious friends that don’t support you or take advantage BUT I have learned the art of give n take. I try not to overgive give myself priority. We teach others how to treat us. In the beginning you train yourself to say No I will need to think about it, before you jump in to overgive then get taken advantage of. This made my friends eventually respect me and the ones the ones that didn’t I let go. This is something I have learned as I have gotten older. Stop people pleasing and take care of yourself first. You can help others without letting people use you. 😊
No we need you it’s a gift love stay strong learn to use your gift and take it seriously so you can avoid these type of people. There are good people out there made just for you.❤
Stupid people trigger me. You give them literal evidence to your point, and they laugh at you and dismiss it. Or, you answer "i don't know, i have to research that and get more knowledge" they become rude and passive aggressive. I just keep to myself now.
People that react like that are engulfed by their ego and unwillingness to see things from other perspectives. A massive percentage of the population are controlled by their ego self, which will always protect itself at all costs. They're not necessarily stupid, just socially conditioned, polarized and insecure, too afraid to challenge their ingrained ideologies.
@LovetheSource I have my own viewpoints and opinions and hold strongly to them. However, I know to listen and consider other thoughts. Even if at my core I believe I am right, I know I could be wrong or, at the very least, need another layer of understanding. It gets tiring hearing people out but not given the same respect in return.
@aisnow5788 That's OK! There are many more distasteful words to use when frustrated 😂 These situations become less frustrating when one can empathize with the potential reasons why people behave in these negative, stubborn, and hurtful ways. It almost always has to do with them and their lives, their traumas and pain. I think its human nature to want others to think like themselves, and to retaliate when others don't think like them. To cut other egos down as a means to rise above and preserve, isually by attacking "intelligence" or "lack of education". It takes love, understanding, and patience to walk the middle path and to get back on it when we inevitably stray. We are only human, and we are all flawed 😊 Hope all of this did not come off as too preachy, I'm just an average person with much to learn! Peace be with you!!
I cannot imagine a guy watching this video or clicking on it. I feel like they have ZERO desire to be more mindful or emotionally intelligent. How it was always is comfortable, I am right, I am angry , you obey to me. You single because you are the problem with your new views.. that type of shit.. i legit feel like women at this age are sadly ahead and if we ruled society it would improve so much in things that do not benefit us personally.. i hope to live a day to see it..
If someone told me I disrespected them while I was having anxiety, I'd feel worse because my behavior is inconsistent with how I want to treat my loved ones. It's a nasty cycle but it's worth working on, friends.
i feel this so much, i struggle immensely to uphold close relationships and friendships especially with the communication aspect, and if i was told this it would make me feel so bad about myself though i don't think i would lash out, i would just internalize it like crazy. i'm also on the spectrum and have adhd, so people in my life close to me know that i don't distance because of them, i just genuinely struggle to have consistent social interactions. like you said, it's worth working on, its good to be aware
yea like i feel like boundaries are important but if the friend had a panic attack they couldn’t really plan around that. if they had the panic attack 30 min before the dinner then there’s really no way they could’ve let u know sooner 😭
as someone who likely has social anxiety, this would hurt me too. like i'd understand why my friend would be upset if we were in this scenario as to them, they just wasted a bunch of time only for me to suddenly drop it right when they were gonna get ready to go, but to me, i've just been struck with uncontrollable sickening terror of being perceived by everyone around me. to me, that would feel like if i got hit by a car and then was told i was being disrespectful for needing to go to the hospital. it's not the same thing obviously but like... the point i'm making is that it would still feel pretty bad from my perspective as a mentally ill person. there are many ways to help it (like planning the event several days in advance, doing daily check-ins before the event, planning alternatives like other locations or accommodations that can be made, having private events rather than being in public etc.) and it's very important to communicate, but also, unfortunately, nothing's going to stop a sudden and usually unpredictable panic attack from happening. (i even feel like the "it's not my fault" response shown as an example of a bad way to handle this situation is understandable to a certain extent. like it isn't someone's fault if they got hit with anxiety at an inconvenient time, it can and does happen without the person being able to predict it.)
@@aliyah390 as a friend, I would have met them exactly where they were at. I believe this RUclips means so well, I can see that she's smart and logical but she has a long way to go. People who love you, will not make your health an issue. you deserve support too.
If someone insults me. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to get mad. Why shouldn’t we let things bother us? It lets everyone know what our boundaries are. Rumination is another thing. I agree that we shouldn’t ruminate and letting things go is ultimately best, but I see nothing wrong with being bothered by others overstepping my boundaries.
That’s healthy to have emotions, yes. But i don’t personally want to be disregulated or think angry thoughts, so I practice this to stay calmer. Which can help in situations where I need to access calmness quickly and eventually leads to better decision making
of course it’s heathy to have emotions, we’re human! the problem doesn’t lie within the emotions, it’s how you let them affect you. i would really recommend reading the untethered soul. you have to learn to take a backseat and just observe your emotions. of course they’re going to happen, but you have to LET THEM. dont hold them in, dont let it stay with you. if you allow yourself to feel the emotions and then let them pass, thats how you truly reach “unbotheredness”
I think the point of this video wasn’t about not reacting to people who’ve hurt us. The point is that if someone’s beliefs are contrary to ours and the decisions we make for our lives, it doesn’t mean that our beliefs or decisions are flawed. In other words, we don’t need anyone’s approval to feel good about our own decisions. If my neighbour thinks that a homemaker is not a good wife, it doesn’t mean that their belief bears any truth. So I shouldn’t feel bad about being a homemaker for example.
also there is a HUGE difference between someone triggering you by treating you badly and someone triggering ou by doing something that is objectively okay but that is associated to some trauma you have or to someone you gave you trauma (i'm saying "you" in a general way, i also include myself and everyone else in that "you") and i feel like many people can't tell the difference which ends up in self-sabotaging good relationships or good situations overall and i never see anyone talking about that even though it is so important because in life we're all gonna get triggered one way or another at some point, especially if we have deep serious trauma, and even by good people who treat us right so knowing how to spot the difference is so important and even necessary i'd say to get rid of those triggers and heal these traumas overtime, detachment is good and an improtant tool as well but some take it too far in order to avoid any sort of trigger or uneasy situation which in the end make them completely numb which is even worse on the long run (been there done that) cause we have to accept that healing also requires knowing how to get through difficult and uneasy feeling cause ik it sounds extremely cheesy but a healed life isn't a perfect life that is always positive and untriggering
Getting bad feedback from work affects me not just emotionally but personally too. Most of the time in my life it's been a boss or supervisor who has ruined my self confidence. I never take my friends' inconsistencies seriously. We're all human. I hate people in authority who think its okay to disrespect and disregard me.
Couldn't agree more! Been through a hard time for months cause of this, and i had to quit in the end. It was my first job. First is suppose to be always special, heard of it. In my case it's definitely not. Just a bad experience. Ruined my self confidence and i don't trust myself anymore. It's hard to. Scared of what lies ahead, what life has to offer.
I’m having a huge issue with this at work, people who have slight authority think it’s okay to disrespect and insult me and I’ve kinda reached my breaking point with it. I find myself ruminating about the disrespect and it’s hindering my performance at work as well. I’m trying to keep my emotions in check but it’s definitely hard.
From a young age, my mother taught me this. Many times I would come to her to complain about people who bothered me and while she would listen to me, in the end, she would say “Don’t pay attention to them. Just focus on your own stuff and what you have going on.” Mental health is also developing that “thicker skin” and emotional intelligence to let small things go. It’s not always easy but it really does help protect my peace. I appreciate the concrete steps you mentioned and breaking down the process - we all need the reminder.
Yes, this was an excellent summary and I have had a long path to learn these skills or relearn them after having a broken family (of origin) with much stress and turmoil.
I needed this. I started a new job, and there have been a handful of rude ppl to me. Now, every time I see those ppl, I try to avoid them. But I'm pretty sure they don't care nor remember they were rude to the new girl (me). So I'm faced with the descision of letting it go, feel my feelings and then remembering their rudeness is thier problem not mine or be annoyed and holding onto it, potentially ruining my experience at this new place. Those people are legitimately strangers, why do I even gaf? I don't it just triggers my ppl pleasing tendencies. Because why don't these ppl like me, I want everyone to like me, but that's not logical. Sometimes conflict happens, people dislike you for no reason and you don't have to make it your (my) mission to change thier mind.
I agree with the main thrust of this; like it is a respectful and powerful place to be, where you know your own worth to the point that mean people cannot bother you. Like the meme: "In my lane, hydrated, moisturized, unbothered" But also, alone. I think the part that often gets dismissed with this, is that friends are supposed to gas us up. We should feel validated when we are complimented, and we shouldn't feel weak or ashamed when we are hurt by their mean spirited comments. No man is an island.
Agree, this was the only part of the topic I didn’t agree with. I’m very feeling person, maybe HSP level, and I need to feel my emotions. I can’t just turn them off and not be hurt by others even for a moment. But maybe this is also a sign of my continuing development
i agree with this. i believe it's a two way street. We shouldn't take everything personally or latch on and never letting go of a comment for example. but unless we are aiming to be like a living statue, how others treat us will affect us and that is ok, they also have a responsibility on how to treat others (as do we). I can detach like this. but from experience, it also means engaging in a less genuine or open way. sometimes, if it's something you can't choose or avoid like a workplace, it's the healthiest way. but for more personal relations, no, i don't think it's healthy to be an unbothered island. it is indeed very lonely. I believe the advice on this video for the most part applies well enough for interactions with random people, acquaintances, co workers, etc., but i wouldn't take it word for word on how to approach a best friend, a loved one, etc. It's also advice that is heavily biased towards an un-emotional worldview. wereas i value and appreciate the whole range of human emotions. wether it's me or a close one that is angry for example, i want to understand and ampathize, i don't look to place the burden solely on them to be "unbothered" by something i did for example. But also, by the way the creator described this scenario with a friend, it really doesn't sound like it's aiming towards close relationships either, so i guess it serves it's purpose in that way. i just would keep it as good advice for more distant interctions, because of course if every person on the street can get to you, you are gonna be miserable, but for closer interactions i don't believe it's good advice. it borders on victim blaming honestly.
I have autism and adhd, and I experienced complex trauma in high school that led to me developing severe anxiety, depression, dependent personality disorder, and a rare dissociative disorder that doesn’t have any treatments. I’m now 20 and can’t leave the house alone and am so sensitive that even the thought of a stressful situation will send me into a panic attack. I’ve been in therapy for over 8 years now, medicated on and off over that time, and been in a hospitalization program, and nothing has resonated with me as much as this video. I’ve been consistently let down by mental health professionals and started feeling hopeless. I started this video figuring it would be just another person saying “you’re just a speck in a huge world your problems aren’t a big deal just detach” but you genuinely gave such good advice. I love your use of the texting example, it really helped me understand how to put these tips into use. I subscribed halfway through and I’m so excited to see what other content you have on your channel. Truly, thank you!
When I was a teen and up until I was 24 I used to get extreme bouts of social anxiety and agoraphobia. I was diagnosed with bipolar and i would have normal, productive periods of time but then I would have either periods of depression or mania. When I was depressed, my anxiety levels were through the roof. So much so that i would be afraid of stepping outside my house to go on the bus and go to my therapy sessions. I would be afraid of people on the bus looking at me and thinking there’s something wrong with me. I’d be afraid of having to talk to the bus driver or anyone else on the way to my appointment. I would make up all these scenarios of everything that could possibly go wrong and psych myself out of getting out of the house. What I did to combat that: it took a long time but basically it’s important to push yourself every day to do the uncomfortable things that your mind is screaming at you not to do. Go outside for a walk, go get coffee, walk your dog, go out grocery shopping and force yourself to talk to the cashier, etc. if you have friends, send them a text, have a casual conversation. Don’t force yourself to do everything at once but at least one thing during the day. Journaling also helped a lot too. Nowadays there’s so many journals with writing prompts and I think those are better than just blank journals because they get you to write something instead of thinking of what you can write. Listening to music was also huge for my healing journey. I had a sad playlist for when I wanted to get my emotions out and cry. Followed by hopeful, more uplifting songs to bring my mood back up. Reading is also great and even reading self help books and just general fiction or non fiction books about overcoming hardships. Eventually the more you try to help yourself everyday instead of partaking in self sabotaging behaviors, your brain learns to adjust and it wants to help you feel better. I hope you’re doing well!
I am remaining still and quiet when I sense conflict of any kind now, whereas before my stomach would start churning and feel under attack . This is because I have been abused badly in the past , people pleasing mattered more to me than me . Thank you
Exactly. My emotions are just as valid as anyone else's. Just because I don't express myself or process emotions the way they do doesn't mean my feelings don't matter.
Girl.. im so shocked, especially that example of the guy ghosting after 3 dates, omg that is so so so on point! This guy in my life, he too ghosted me after 3 dates! And i was stressed about it, but your words "dont get stuck on him" is exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you for this, i think this video is put in my algorithm by God himself
this video was MADE for me omd. i just recently had a friend wrongly accuse me of something then leave me indefinitely under silent treatment and i was crying for hours and hours over it with full anxiety, simply over feeling unheard. im very easily triggered, anxious and just easily bothered by people so this isnt the first time a conflict makes me feel this way.
I’d love a video on dealing with the feelings of being misunderstood or people assuming negative things about you that aren’t true. For example I have a hard time letting go of people’s perceptions of me even when those people aren’t important to me. Such as friends I have fallen out of touch with who I have heard through the grape vine they consider me a bitch or whatever. I know that realistically that’s not true but I have a hard time because I want to know why they think that about me. I know what most people think of me isn’t important but I can’t seem to stop myself from feeling negatively about it.
I used to care so much about people’s perception of me. I’d over explain myself or try to prove myself until I tried something new. I started proving people right by finding the real selfish and evil bitch in me and sprinkling it only on the people that give me those titles. It’s liberating to tap into all sides of yourself. Once you understand yourself better you’ll stop caring about being misunderstood by useless people.
Charlotte, I can’t thank you enough for this video. I was in a funk over a flaky friend for 3 days. I was able to shift out of it immediately after watching this. It’s empowering.
It's taken me many many years and healing to get to the point I'm unbothered after surviving a narcissistic relationship. It's a liberating feeling in the long run.
But the fact that you even got there is hope for people like me to keep going, knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m happy for your happiness. 🥺❤️
LET THEM. that has helped me a lot, and aso a phrase from Katt Williams. He said: "These people are not powerful. Satan can´t create anything that includes blessings for his people. Like, you know what is the number one rule of someone who sold their soul to Hollywood? Pretend and act like that never happened. I´m not gonna let you tell me what im gonna be, specially if what you're saying is wrong. I can´t condone wrong. Sorry God don't make mistakes. You don´t get two times to fuck me over"
Thank you for popping up in my feed! I have a co worker on my team who’s been lashing out in the office. Recently I set a boundary with him and he responded with “if you want to work in the world of business, you’re going to have to get used to being spoken to in this way. I can be aggressive if I want.” That definitely got under my skin, and I’ve been ruminating. However this is a great reminder to remember it’s not my problem, it’s his. HR is all over him. My job is to stay professional and firm on my boundaries, and let the company address his behaviour. This video was a wake up call to not let him or anyone be a drain on my time or energy. Thank you Charlotte ♥️
I needed this so bad today, you have no clue. Went home early crying after hours of letting someone constantly trigger and control me. Talked with my bf and he said the same thing you said, this is just a confirmation of my new life choices
Think of these situations as life trying to challenge you. Whatever they say only holds as much weight as you decide to give it. If you don't react, than it didn't change anything about this world and it's just words that came out of somebody's mouth that became air. Or allow it to have a meaning and use it to grow as a person and not give them the reaction they want. Whatever works best for you
Ok, but a lot of the times actual triggers are not something you are 'letting happen,' as it's a trigger and not completly in your control. I know we can do things to help us through, but O.o I'm confused.
I loved this video but as the friend with ptsd, panic attacks, and social anxiety, it has made me flaky. I will get completely ready to see the friend and then my symptoms come on suddenly. Anxiety isn’t something you can plan for 😢
You could try then to find an alternative such as let them come to your house or perhaps try to calm your symptoms with breathing excerises,meditation or even try to talk to your friend about it, if you don't do it often it's alright, but If you do it could make your friends feel disrespected just try your best to find a solution for it you got this!
Me too ❤ yeah it was a bit sad to hear for me too, don’t worry though, this is just an example, and we know what it’s like on the other side. I tried to console myself by knowing that I do tell peeps that I would need to meet them somewhere quiet- it took a while to explain & get them to understand but true friends will make allowances for you if they care ❤ If they won’t understand- screw them eh! 😉🤣❤ sending you a hug my fellow anx girl! Love 💕
i would say listen to yourself, your feelings and signals, maybe it's true that it comes out of nowhere, but as someone who experiences a lot of anxiety and trauma too, sometimes the signals of how much you'll be able to deal with or how little will be required to shut you off are there, and we don't always pay mind to them since our lives go on. Be honest to yourself. if you feel insecure about going out, let them know there's a chance this may happen, and have a plan B. Some people won't understand you and still just resort to being offended: that's on them. but if you communicate, some people will be open to accomodate for your needs.
I get seizures that might be from trauma ptsd ,honestly it's so debilitating, I never leave the house, I want to join the gym with my friend but I warned her there might b some days I might feel strange and ill get paranoid and I wont go..😢
This needs to be said because... social media and the internet itself really impacted my mental health. There's so much things that are clickbait, ragebait... etc. I hated it. Its all distracting. Its like my minds never at peace, Thank you for the video.
I’ve been married for 2 years and even since I got married my mother in law is always saying things to me in directly and i hate that it always takes up my mind. Sometimes I know that she’s waiting to get a reaction out of me but I don’t react. There was a time when I literally was sobbing in the car right after we left her house. I was able to manage my stress a lot better in the past but ever since I got married I feel like I’m constantly stressed when I have to deal with her. It gotten to a point where it has affected my health. I hope that one day I can learn to just let go of the things she says.
I keep getting triggered by people abandoning me for no reason. Abusing my trust and treating me unfairly. Blaming me when i stand my ground when im hurt. Putting myself has been a first these last few months and it hurts to see how poorly ive been treated by (fake) friends. I have now distanced with boundaries or deleted. Just needs to hear this as meeting new people comes with the negative side. Ive met a few good ones. Though i do get bothered fast seeing people i click with just shrug me off. I shall try and take your words as i have been trying to oull away from the oh no it hapoening again...bkah boah saddness. A new shift to he happy with my time and energy. Anyone that isn't with this, than it time to just feel joy in our own magick. I believe in myself. Thank you 🙏💕
Just a different perspective on the anxiety situation, that if that was the reason, perhaps bringing it up a few hours later to not make her anxiety worse... cause if my friend told me that in that moment, I would feel even more anxious about future interactions. Also, it's not always predictable, and it's something you live with your whole life, so going out is normal, but sometimes, things don't go the way we want, and its really distressing and can come on very quickly. Also I've found anxiety isn't a I'm struggling in a specific period of time its just something we live with that can fluctuate day to day.
Yeah her example really made me feel weird. I would fucking terrible if a “friend” responded with me cancelling because of anxiety to be like “ok well you need to let me know when you have anxiety ahead of time because now I’ve wasted my time and you’re being disrespectful” like that’s not how anxiety works sis we can’t exactly predict it
agreed. like pre-planning and communication is absolutely important obviously, i'm not negating that, but just from the perspective of an anxious person, you really can't predict or foresee a panic attack or a hit of anxiety no matter how much you plan for it. it just happens, and it can be completely random at times. i wouldn't blame the friend with anxiety if i were the one planning in this situation (even if it would be frustrating in the moment), and i can see myself in the anxious friend's shoes because i understand what SAD (social anxiety disorder) is like to have. i very likely have it. it's terrifying to physically feel everyone's eyes on you and judging you. i know i'd feel pretty hurt if someone, especially a loved one like a friend, told me i was being disrespectful for something i literally cannot control, even if the situation did result in a loss of time and effort. i'd even so as far as to say the "it's not my fault i have anxiety" response is understandable to an extent cause like... it isn't. panic attacks can just happen, and while that isn't a great response to give (especially if the person receiving it may not get it), it's understandable.
Exactly this. In the case of an event of a friend with anxiety cancelling last minute, I do think that there needs to be a conversation about boundaries and possible solutions, but I actually think it's more harmful to set it in that moment. Like, "Hey, I understand, it sucks that you're having anxiety / Thanks for telling me / Would something else work better? / Let's talk later when you're feeling better," and then set boundaries and talk about solutions when you do talk later and actually confirm they are ok. Being cancelled on last minute still sucks and is disrespectful, but I also think ignoring the fact a friend is having bad anxiety or a panic attack is also disrespectful and unsupportive, too. If there was another medical reason someone cancelled, (nausea, etc.,) I think a lot of people would also wait until they're feeling better to discuss anything, boundaries or otherwise. I don't think there is much difference in the 'friend' who will push you back and ignore you trying to talk to them about being cancelled on last minute and just claim, "I can't help it, it's not my fault," and refuse to even acknowledge that they hurt you, and the 'friend' who in the middle of you having a panic attack, ignores how you are presently feeling and tells you how much your current physical, mental and emotional pain, (caused by a medical condition,) is currently inconveniencing them and how they expect you to fix things so that they feel better in that exact moment.
But you can't use that as an exuse to your friends and family each time, if it keeps happening often you should try finding solutions like just as she said, they could come over to your house or maybe some breathing excerises and meditations, if your diagnosed professionally and have a therapist you can ask them for solutions too, your friends or family can feel disrespected or let down, they love your company and would love to be able to see you often without of course any distress, this is my ipinion
I'm 39 and had a friend (36) of over 22 years text me saying he was on Steam. I told him I was busy and I'd probably be on tomorrow and he cut ties. I told him whatever he was going through I'm willing to listen. I'm not going to escalate things or even get mad, I realize he's the one going through something and even people at his job told him he had an attitude and he excuses it by saying "can you blame me for having one"? Yeah. Thanks for this video. When it comes from a long time friend it stings, but random people I don't even really know that make "insults" I just laugh and dismiss them easily at this point in my life. Thanks for this.
yup, the same thing happened to me, I kept making plans to hang out with this ex friend of mine, she kept declining and cancelling at the last moment, literal bitch, felt amazing after unfollowing her!
I'm ashamed to say that yesterday I reacted very poorly to an unfortunate situation in which someone I love(d) hurt me quite badly. In no way am I excusing their behavior, *BUT* I know that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I regret doing so, and I wish I had seen this video sooner. It gave me new perspective and offered a lot of helpful advice I'll use in the future. Thank you! ❤
I go through those too: emotional flashbacks. We sometimes interpret triggers subconsciously, so it’s near impossible to spot. Agh! Only thing that helps me is acknowledging that it’s a flashback and not a current moment, and respect it (aka not avoid it). Avoiding it causes me more anxiety, so I dwell quickly on how I’ve learned from it and how to keep myself safe from that happenstance. I’m assuming that’s why you isolated?
you're valid for feeling this way, and it's good to realize that the flashbacks are trauma and that in the process of healing, we don't initially always have control over it. this video seems to be a bit more focused on people who don't have trauma responses to work through it seems. i relate to you heavily though as i also cannot control a lot of my flashbacks :( best of luck in your healing journey
@shatteredscry yes, I get tactile , auditory and emotional flashbacks. I still don't know what causes some of them. If people say certain phrases, I get angry, sad, feel worthless. Same with smells .
I once had a guy try to insult me by saying , "Do you disappoint all the men in your life like this?" Lol, it made me laugh so hard he wasn't a fan of my reaction. He really thought he did something😂 retail is a trip!
I never really got into the series, I only read one of the books, and at the time I never really thought about why I didn't enjoy it. Thinking on it now, I really do think it's because Harry never acts like a child who has suffered abuse, which I myself had. I could relate to the fact he had been mistreated, but that was where it ended. My 'Harry potter' was Skulduggery Pleasant. A world where basically all of the characters can be read as neurodivergent. A world where, despite the main character having a loving family I could actually relate to her because she was a silly goofy kid who pretended she was fine despite some incredibly and viscerally awful things happening to her. She dealt with flashbacks and trauma and substance abuse, made decisions that were inarguably bad, even tried to defend them at points. She truly felt like a real person despite also being a larger than life fictional character. Sure its not a perfect series, her dating a teenage vampire who was actually like, 80 or something was gross but at the same time it was made very obvious how disturbing it actually was. Derek Landy doesn't just have a love for his story, but for the people who read it. Growing up with Valkyrie was one of the very few good things from my childhood. In a less subtle sense, the series of unfortunate events books also gave me great comfort, they were fully abused by each of their caretakers in some way, so I could easily relate to them while also getting lost in the fantasy of the strange world that does capture the kind of confusion I felt towards the world as a kid
I grew up in an abusive family and my dad is a (covert) narcissist. All my life, I've been pretty reactive from the abuse and trauma, and I've done years of therapy just to stop it but never figuring out how or what to do when dealing with my emotions. Coming across your video, it finally clicked for me and the things I've done to protect myself like making boundaries. Setting realistic compromise and also looking at a perspective that doesn't frame me as the problem was something I've never considered! Thank you for that! I've always been very soft and sometimes flaky on putting myself first 😢 This truly helps, love your advice ❤
This warms my heart! thank you so much for the comment. I also have a family member who shows narcissistic tendencies and watching my family heal from their abuse is really rewarding as we start to figure out how to navigate a person who will never change.
I’ve been ignoring my difficult feelings for so long, that it feels like a never ending weight in my body. That’s exactly the level of attention my inner child needs, thank you for explaining so well ❤
I so love this message! I get frustrated at times when I consider how at times it feels we demand and expect others in our society to abide by our values and when they don’t, we allow that friction to make us upset and feel out of control. We are not in control. We cannot control others, we cannot do anything other than control ourselves and train our own minds to not allow others to affect us. Someone said something that brings up past trauma? Realize they likely don’t intrinsically know that what they said could affect you like that. Someone you love was distant towards you when you felt you really needed some attention and support? They might be going through something on their end and perhaps they withdrawal in those moments.. As a culture, we often make the mistake of viewing human behavior and ethics and values as a cookie cutter. We expect others to mirror our own values and zeal. This is such a setup on many levels to just feel victimized and disappointed. Life is not fair. Life is full of despair, pain, and discomfort. In my life experience, I’ve learned to try my best to focus less on others and their actions or intentions and focus more on me and how I respond to moments where friction exists.
I dont ruminate so much as tell them exactly what I think. I give that shit right back and dont hold it. We will always get pissed about something. it's ok to be mad and confrontational!
You have no idea how much I needed this! I am currently in the hospital for a stomach complication that was caused by stress. I have a difficult relationship with my father and everything that he says in a moment of heat, I take that to heart. Now that it manifested into my physical health I really need to work on myself more and learn how to detach. This video was really helpful, made me rethink how I've responded in the past and convinced me to try another approach. Thank you!
In all of my 30 years of life this is my first RUclips comment. This video is everything I needed. RUclips search - "how to not be so reactive" this video popped up and everything was explained so well. Thank you so much girl. Love your videos!
Charlotte I love you, how accurately you put across why we get so much more bummed by the attachments to the outcome of a potential romantic relationship than our friendships and why it affects us the way it does. You are an absolute gem.
i needed this thank you!! im struggling in my relationship with a narcissistic sister in law 🥴 it’s difficult to navigate this relationship because i’d rather never speak to her again, but that’s just not realistic when she’s apart of my family and comes around every so often… like im getting better with removing my energy from my experiences with her but i still get triggered and it’s so frustrating!!
You have so much company. I have two nieces. My husband and I have always been kind, supportive, encouraging to both of them. Recently one of our nieces broke up with her fiancé. He sent us a message stating that they actually hate us and talk bad about us when we are not around but want to stay in touch for when they need something. He thought we should know. I would normally write this off as sour grapes, however he named specific events in which this occurred. And their behavior does line up with someone that doesn’t really care much about us (coming around only when they want something, never staying long, never asking us how we are or what’s going on in our lives, etc).
Gurl, this video helped so much. The example you gave about the flaky friend literally happens to me. She frequently flakes out on me, giving vague reasons and most of the time not even apologizing for it. It really triggered me so much, and it still does, but the way you explained how to stay unbothered really helped a lot. The whole video is a gem. I like how you gave examples for everything you were explaining it really helps a lot to understand.
"Recognize the feeling and release it": this is going to be so helpful. For some reason, I didn't really know what to do with these emotions, and now, I know. Thank you!!!
I don't suggest saying something that assumes intent on the other side. "You aren't respecting my time" would turn into "i feel that my time was disrespected".
I’ve been working on this for so long. I really hate feeling like I can’t live my life because my mind is focused on something that hurt me. As a kid, I never received any justice and as an adult that can get messy quickly as I try to make justice for myself when a) I’m not very good at it and b) sometimes I look for justice where no such thing can be found. Picking my battles has been very helpful. Sometimes I just don’t have time for bs and I choose to move on so I can be happy with the many things I have built and deal with other much bigger problems in my life. I’ve really had to decide who I’m going to let be my friend, but also watch and see if someone really does want to be my friend because it’ll be easier than hunting down that desired outcome you spoke of. This video really helped put some of my thoughts into better perspective and assured me that I’m taking the right steps. Thank you!
I so relate to the justice thing. I think that's why I feel so strongly when I interpret a comment as a criticism (my negative filter is STRONG from childhood trauma). I feel driven to explain why it was so hurtful to me and essentially get the person to apologise and promise to not do it again. I was always told I was in the wrong no matter what as a child so I became a doormat to survive that emotional climate, but I think now my mind is determined to feel that sense of justice I was denied as a child 😅 I can't change being triggered, the CPTSD is strong, but I want to improve how I react to those triggers
As someone with anxiety, I was with you until you said that part about giving you a heads up earlier. This is just not how anxiety works, I dont have it scheduled in my calendar to let others know ahead of time. And if I was in that state of feeling stressed, pacing back and forth and biting my nails, and a friend tried what you suggested, setting a boundary and pointing it out to me in that vulnerable state, I would feel disrespected. I would feel that the hard action of opening up and being vulnerable is being stomped on.
You would feel disrespected if your friend clearly and empathetically communicating to you how they are being impacted? You want the space and safety to express yourself but your friend doesn’t get the same courtesy?
@@charlottemorabito its not the action itself but the timing. I think it is important to set the boundary, but doing so immediately when your friend is on the verge of a panic attack is not the move. I was on both ends of this situation and it just made the anxious person spiral. If you care about someone, you give them space and support first. You cant have a calm, logical conversation about doing better and being more empathetic when someone is not in a rational state of mind.
The number of times I've told friends that I'm a good dancer because I just fully release to the stim - so glad I'm not the only one making this connection!
needed this, it's hard for me being around some people who i used to be friends with but they treated me poorly, but because we attend the same courses i can't just "not be around them and avoid them". i want to maybe not like them, but also not be obsessed over them in this negative way that makes me so triggered. it's sometimes hard when my body reacts on its own with fear and anxiety, but that is also a sign for me that i still need to do some healing on this matter. wishing everyone who goes through simillar stuff the best!
I’m autistic, ADHD, and OCD. I have an internalized fear/phobia or being perceived negatively. This comes for the perfectionism, rejection sensitivity, and trauma which leads to extreme rumination. Even knowing why doesn’t help me. Other people’s actions toward me consume me completely. Intellectually, I know everything said in this video; I’ve even told people the same things. Internalizing and putting in practise are another story. I’m still working on it, but I wonder if I’ll ever truly be able to not give a crap what people think of me.
You spoke to me on a spiritual level with this. I feel like my vibes are always good or at least I’m always trying to vibrate at a high frequency, so when someone throws that off, it REALLY bothers my soul lol. Gonna try this!
I’m in Therapy and starting to see the world in a completely different light now that I have an unbiased perspective starting to form as well as healthy attachments and mindset. I’m glad I’m getting your content when I need it to keep me on the right path. Thank you for what you do.
OK, so the thing about panic attackts and anxiety, you NEVER know ahead of time when one is coming on. You might agree to go out and an hour later be in a full on anxiety panic attack and unable to meet.
This video was so helpful and awesome, i think about detachment A LOT and ive been working on being more detached and sure of myself and boundaries for years. Thank you for this!
Works for spouses too ! I have learned to love my husband but also detach let him learn on his own and figure things out. People are exhausting as women we are not taught this. My daughter will learn this ASAP
Kind of incredible that this video popped up on my recommended. Lately I’ve been struggling more than ever with getting along with my fiancé‘s mom. every negative comment or judgment she makes about me or my family has really been getting under my skin. This has been causing more feelings of resentment and anxiety whenever we have a family get together with her present. I had a somewhat vague idea of what I needed to do to get over these feelings, but your video just help me make a full realization. Thank you.
This exact thing about the friend happen to me yesterday. My friend tends to cancel with no notice. Yesterday she just didn’t respond to me. I was disappointed, I felt angry and like my time is t worth respect. She does this because she anxious. Although I totally understand it still feels bad. Now I will find a way to respectfully set a boundary. This is the hard part for me !
@slvie hi I would try to ask your friend what does she feel anxious about when she's not in a panic stage set of mind? When you make plans is it a new place you wanna go to ? Restaurant or mall somewhere there's a lot of people and noise ? It could be soft anxiety suggest you guys can hang out to watch a movie at your place or just to go to her and watch a movie then if she cancels with no explanation I'll start setting a boundary good luck 😀
Thanks! This seems very helpful and I'll start from now. Being so sensitive and taking things personally has ruined my life, i couldn't live in peace anymore. I know that trying to replace that with your tips might be hard but I'm willing to do it at all costs because is the key to improve the quality of my life, I won't feel drained by other people anymore
I am so amazed at your ability to get out so much information in such a short amount of time. I'm 77 yrs. old and learned SO much about dealing with emotions. I'll definitely look forward to future videos!! Thank you for sharing!
6:59 I have heard something wonderful recently, don’t remember where so please correct me if I am wrong, but when you practice self soothing and more specifically nervous system regulation in the moment when you’re triggered (and do this regularly) your body learns how to do it automatically. So awesome! Your body loves you lots!❤
Yeah my mom came downstairs in a shitty mood this morning. Instead of getting heated and venting about it, I put on my headphones, took a walk, picked up leaves in my front yard, cleaned and swept my foyer, made a healthy breakfast, and am sipping tea while listening to you. I am realized that she was in the bad mood and it has nothing to do with me- my day will go on. Merry Christmas Eve!
I’ve been challenged by so many triggering relationship situations this year, friends, lovers and family. I have had to learn the hard way to be less reactive but still second guess myself, thank you for this video!
I needed to hear this, thank you so much. My partner broke up with me recently and I’m realizing how much I let my fulfillment depend on her presence, and how much I dwelled on her and why she would break up with me. Much love ❤️✌️
Recently someone tried to bully me. I'm 40 by the way lol. Yeah, exactly. I'm the quiet computer nerd IT support girl. They literally bought something on Amazon they thought would be embarassing and had it shipped to my work mailbox. WILD. At first I was like wow... really? I haven't had a single confrontation. I keep to myself. I don't gossip. I barely even socialize. Who the hell did I piss off? But then I decided it was funny because good god how bored must you be? I genuinely don't have time to even think something like that up, let alone execute it. I don't even have time to consider the people around me in that context. I'm a fulltime student on top of being a full time worker and outside of that, I have hobbies. I enjoy being me VERY MUCH. Being a nerd is my favorite thing about me! It means I'm smart, capable, and determined. I don't know who they thought they were bringing down but it wasn't me :) 10 years ago that scenario might have caused me to quit my job. It took a lot of practice to become unaffected, but damn does it feel good once you get there. 🌟
Great job! This is exactly what she means when she says it’s about the person not you. This shows how immature that person is, they are not worth the time.
I NEVER search for videos like this. I have been easily irritated by people lately and can’t figure out why. This video popped up and in just want to personally thank you for creating this. Resources always appear when we need them most but they wouldn’t exist without people like you so thank you
As someone who has been flaky and who is trying to set better boundaries this was very helpful in a multitude of ways ❤ thank you for all the time and effort you put into these videos!
The way I have been absolutely binging all of your videos! I love your authenticity and down to earth approach to self-improvement. It truly feels like getting advice from a real friend. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and congrats on all the progress you've made with your channel! Can't wait to see you hit 100k subs and beyond! A topic idea I had (because it's what I'm currently working through) is learning to let go and allowing yourself to move forward. For me it's letting go of a past chapter of my life and old version of myself but this could also be about a person, limiting beliefs, bad habits etc. Letting go can be so tough, well wishes and strength to anyone going through the struggle ❤
as a femme gay, Philippines is where you find THE most homophobic people (emphasis on men). i learned acting unbothered the hard way, i was so reactive back then but when i reached college i slowly realize if i put energy to it i'm denying myself. it is still triggers me, i'm just a human being, full of emotions, but i remind myself of my worth. no one must define yourself but you.
I've delt with consistent bs, abuse, neglect, harassment and disrespect for nearly 24 years or so of my life from the start at age 5 until I finally moved in with someone who actually cares about me. It's still so hard to let go and a lot I still need to unlearn because I've been a doormat since forever has driven me insane. I wish I had access to this advice sooner as long term isolation and PTSD has led to so much poor handling of these types of situations.
I've trying to set my life for me, not for people. I take things SOOOO seriously that now I've seeing that is hurting my feelings and my days. This video was the slap on the face that I need it. Thank you so so much❤
I'm going through this... What if the trigger is your family member, and you've communicated both respectfully and efficiently how their behaviour affects you, but the behaviour does not change? Logically, I know I should put distance because I can't completely detach, but I'm sooooooo close to pulling out my own my hair.
I personally had this happen to me where I repeatedly asked the family member to stop bringing up 3 specific political opinions that I disagree with and that are very much a direct attack on *me* as an individual. they ignored me. It seems like ignorance rather than malice. They’re really that clueless that they don’t know what they’re communicating. I’ve decided this is a deficit of their character and their lack of impulse control and ability to read the damn room is going bite them in the ass one day. And whenever they bring it up now, I think about how clueless they are and how other people in their lives probably hate this too. And that gives me the strength to not react. I change the subject. I don’t engage. I’ve changed my emotional reaction from anger to pity.
i’ve been on this healing journey for 2 years now and honestly with the influx of the self help/improvement content, i’ve become quite skeptical abt this so i tend to just stick to my top 3 youtubers who’ve been preaching for a long time. UNTIL i came across this video. bcs lately i had been struggling with peace and detachment and saw this on my feed so i instantly clicked on it. 3 mins into this video i was already so grateful to have clicked on it! the way you’ve explained everything with so much clarity and examples, especially the boundaries step. oof i loved it sm i started making notes lol. your calm and positive aura helps alot too thank you so much for this!!
can you be my therapist 😅
this is ✨thrifted✨ therapy ❤️
this showed up at the perfect time, i really needed this! thanks for this ❤@@charlottemorabito
My therapist told me no one thinks about me more than I do. That clicked in my mind and I started just letting it all go. Loved this video!
Love that!
Wow thank you for commenting this. You’ve unlocked something for me
222 likes and you’re right!
Sometimes they do, if they think someone is on the wrong way, addicted to something, and try to help but they ignore or are incapable of understanding.
Unless they're gaslighting you EVERYDAY!!
For people who experience extreme emotional dysregulation- you’re not broken for not being able to logic your feelings away
❤❤❤
Thank you ❤
Yeah…I clicked on this video but I have a feeling it’s not going to work for my RSD.
really needed to hear this
this is totally true, but also sometime in the longterm future it is completely possible that you see improvement, everyone's emotional regulation is different but there is hope to become less overwhelmed by your emotions by taking little steps
This literally happened today! Told a work friend about something I am doing which will help me level up professionally and their reaction to it was, well lets just say "not encouraging" which made me a little sad but it honestly only took a second to realise that it was them who were being reactive to the situation and whatever they are saying is their opinion based on their life choices and has absolutely nothing to do with me and the choices I am making for my own life
It’s just information about them at the end of the day, you’re right! Keep going!!!
An advice I’ve gotten from my mom is to not tell people your big plans until you’ve achieved them. Not everyone around us has the best intentions. Sadly many people put on a facade.
Piece of advice love if you don’t mind. There’s no such thing as a work friend. Sure you might meet someone amazing through your job that you have a genuine connection with but that’s extremely rare. Most people you work with will be friendly in your face to keep peace while at work, but have no issue throwing you under the bus to save their own ass or they may even see you as competition. Never talk to anyone at work about your personal life,especially where career goals are concerned. If you speak about your goals and dreams and someone intentionally discourages you, that’s not your friend.
So true !!
Have you leveled up yet or is it something that will take more time?! Wishing you well! 😁♥️
I’m new, the algorithm said “hon you need help, watch this” hahahahaha
NO FR!😂
Same!
Totally!
Same lmfao
Same! I'm ruminating on something I did last night towards my brother and I feel awful and dumb. Then this popped up.
It’s the presence of that person sometimes triggering.
Absolutely 👍 having that issue at work
You are being very juvenile if the presence of someone else bothers you. You need to grow up and act civil
@@MaleOrderBridespeaking on someone else’s experience like you know what’s going on is funny ASF
That's a good sign to analyze why they are triggering. Only after few years of therapy I started noticing that bully‐type persons, who are eager to share their judgement on others triggered me this way. I started realizing that if they want to use me as bucket to dump all their friends secrects and be gleeful on their distresses means that propably they are not trustworthy and are doing the same about you!
It was just my intuition warning, but based on lifelong patterns of having to be around bullies just had fucked with my head. And boy did it get better after not having to spend your energy dealing with that person anymore!
@MaleOrderBride Youve never experienced narc abuse and it shows. My body reacts before I logically can tell it not to sometimes
the only authority anyone ever has over us is the authority we give them.
No lol, that's not true. There's a fine line and that's not true
Preach this to poor women of Afghanistan
That's a powerful statement. It reminds me that we often give away our power without even realizing it
such wise words, fr
I fully believe this comment is in relation to the context of this video only. Use your head. @@Aajtakndtv
I’m only 6 minutes in and I find that when I don’t tell people off like for example after receiving a nasty comment, that’s when I ruminate about it. It’s like a fire in my chest that I need to release.
I'm in the same boat i need to let it off my chest otherwise i would actually fall sick
@@ashsid9650I’m glad there are ppl who understand this feeling!!! It’s horrible.
That act is taking the comment personally and feeling the need to defend yourself- character, beliefs, or identity . Essentially giving your time and energy to that person. I try to NOT sit with it, since I know that if so turned off my device and just lived my life, they’re probably doing the same. I am reopening the receiving of their opinion that is just that, words. It also is just the past robbing of the present the more focus it steals. Don’t feed the trolls. Don’t match energy. Ignore since it should be ridiculous they said whatever since they don’t know the true you, and even it’s it family or friends they shouldn’t hold weight on your peace or identity. Seek freedom and detachment, we decide and honor it for ourselves.
Triggers make us reactive. Break the cycle by changing the way you react.
I learned many ways to deal with this feeling as someone who used to be very confrontational. First you think to yourself is it really worth my time and energy to yell at this person or say something back to this person. be realistic, and if the answer is no, then take a deep breath and realize that this person is just projecting onto you and you have nothing to do with what they think. If the answer is yes, then try to do a little trick like “what do you mean by that?” or “what” Acting clueless when someone is being rude to you can embarrass the person being rude to you (basically make them look petty and stupid). If that doesn’t work, you can make a small comment like “oh” or “ok” with a dissatisfied look on your face which can also embarrass them.
Thanks this will be useful! My jealous sister keeps trying to insult me @@bellarena_10
this should be played in schools… because I truly feel I was never taught how to properly handle conflict, behaviors, boundaries, any of these.
yess this! specially because we were so young. This would’ve helped us so much.
I agree, these things are more important and should be taught in schools.
Needed to hear this. I'm tired of crappy friends and ungrateful ppl. Sometimes i hate being an empath and wish Jesus would take me.
I can feel you ☺
Hang on blondeegirl ❤ you are not alone in that kind of thinking. However, you didn't come this far only to come this far. 🎉 And neither did I. We overcome our challenges 💪 😊 and journey on.
Bahaha girl that last part. Relatable much.
Hi blondeegirl . Yes I know how it feels to have bad envious friends that don’t support you or take advantage BUT I have learned the art of give n take. I try not to overgive give myself priority. We teach others how to treat us. In the beginning you train yourself to say No I will need to think about it, before you jump in to overgive then get taken advantage of. This made my friends eventually respect me and the ones the ones that didn’t I let go. This is something I have learned as I have gotten older. Stop people pleasing and take care of yourself first. You can help others without letting people use you. 😊
No we need you it’s a gift love stay strong learn to use your gift and take it seriously so you can avoid these type of people. There are good people out there made just for you.❤
"The consequence is the boundary.'' Well said.
This works when we have silver spoon in our mouth. When we are poor - we are doomed to be slave and suffer
I take everything so personal 😢
Even what I say and do
same
Me too
Literally same it’s refreshing to read people saying the same stuff cause I always feel so guilty for it and alone
Me too. Literally someone cutting me off or honking at me ruins my day cause I feel like a jerk all day
I find asking myself "Will I care about this in five years?" helpful
Stupid people trigger me. You give them literal evidence to your point, and they laugh at you and dismiss it.
Or, you answer "i don't know, i have to research that and get more knowledge" they become rude and passive aggressive. I just keep to myself now.
ExACTly.
People that react like that are engulfed by their ego and unwillingness to see things from other perspectives. A massive percentage of the population are controlled by their ego self, which will always protect itself at all costs.
They're not necessarily stupid, just socially conditioned, polarized and insecure, too afraid to challenge their ingrained ideologies.
@@LovetheSource You're right. I was frustrated when using such an unflattering word.
@LovetheSource I have my own viewpoints and opinions and hold strongly to them. However, I know to listen and consider other thoughts. Even if at my core I believe I am right, I know I could be wrong or, at the very least, need another layer of understanding. It gets tiring hearing people out but not given the same respect in return.
@aisnow5788 That's OK! There are many more distasteful words to use when frustrated 😂 These situations become less frustrating when one can empathize with the potential reasons why people behave in these negative, stubborn, and hurtful ways. It almost always has to do with them and their lives, their traumas and pain.
I think its human nature to want others to think like themselves, and to retaliate when others don't think like them. To cut other egos down as a means to rise above and preserve, isually by attacking "intelligence" or "lack of education".
It takes love, understanding, and patience to walk the middle path and to get back on it when we inevitably stray. We are only human, and we are all flawed 😊
Hope all of this did not come off as too preachy, I'm just an average person with much to learn! Peace be with you!!
I cannot imagine a guy watching this video or clicking on it. I feel like they have ZERO desire to be more mindful or emotionally intelligent. How it was always is comfortable, I am right, I am angry , you obey to me. You single because you are the problem with your new views.. that type of shit.. i legit feel like women at this age are sadly ahead and if we ruled society it would improve so much in things that do not benefit us personally.. i hope to live a day to see it..
but I'm a guy and I watch these videos {by woman and men} to get better and work on myself
If someone told me I disrespected them while I was having anxiety, I'd feel worse because my behavior is inconsistent with how I want to treat my loved ones.
It's a nasty cycle but it's worth working on, friends.
i feel this so much, i struggle immensely to uphold close relationships and friendships especially with the communication aspect, and if i was told this it would make me feel so bad about myself though i don't think i would lash out, i would just internalize it like crazy. i'm also on the spectrum and have adhd, so people in my life close to me know that i don't distance because of them, i just genuinely struggle to have consistent social interactions.
like you said, it's worth working on, its good to be aware
yea like i feel like boundaries are important but if the friend had a panic attack they couldn’t really plan around that. if they had the panic attack 30 min before the dinner then there’s really no way they could’ve let u know sooner 😭
as someone who likely has social anxiety, this would hurt me too. like i'd understand why my friend would be upset if we were in this scenario as to them, they just wasted a bunch of time only for me to suddenly drop it right when they were gonna get ready to go, but to me, i've just been struck with uncontrollable sickening terror of being perceived by everyone around me. to me, that would feel like if i got hit by a car and then was told i was being disrespectful for needing to go to the hospital. it's not the same thing obviously but like... the point i'm making is that it would still feel pretty bad from my perspective as a mentally ill person. there are many ways to help it (like planning the event several days in advance, doing daily check-ins before the event, planning alternatives like other locations or accommodations that can be made, having private events rather than being in public etc.) and it's very important to communicate, but also, unfortunately, nothing's going to stop a sudden and usually unpredictable panic attack from happening.
(i even feel like the "it's not my fault" response shown as an example of a bad way to handle this situation is understandable to a certain extent. like it isn't someone's fault if they got hit with anxiety at an inconvenient time, it can and does happen without the person being able to predict it.)
dont listen to this advice
@@aliyah390 as a friend, I would have met them exactly where they were at. I believe this RUclips means so well, I can see that she's smart and logical but she has a long way to go. People who love you, will not make your health an issue. you deserve support too.
If someone insults me. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to get mad. Why shouldn’t we let things bother us? It lets everyone know what our boundaries are.
Rumination is another thing. I agree that we shouldn’t ruminate and letting things go is ultimately best, but I see nothing wrong with being bothered by others overstepping my boundaries.
That’s healthy to have emotions, yes. But i don’t personally want to be disregulated or think angry thoughts, so I practice this to stay calmer. Which can help in situations where I need to access calmness quickly and eventually leads to better decision making
@@leilanikieti3883 that makes sense, as long as you can still assert yourself, there’s no problem.
of course it’s heathy to have emotions, we’re human! the problem doesn’t lie within the emotions, it’s how you let them affect you. i would really recommend reading the untethered soul. you have to learn to take a backseat and just observe your emotions. of course they’re going to happen, but you have to LET THEM. dont hold them in, dont let it stay with you. if you allow yourself to feel the emotions and then let them pass, thats how you truly reach “unbotheredness”
I think the point of this video wasn’t about not reacting to people who’ve hurt us. The point is that if someone’s beliefs are contrary to ours and the decisions we make for our lives, it doesn’t mean that our beliefs or decisions are flawed. In other words, we don’t need anyone’s approval to feel good about our own decisions. If my neighbour thinks that a homemaker is not a good wife, it doesn’t mean that their belief bears any truth. So I shouldn’t feel bad about being a homemaker for example.
i've came to the point that im either letting it slide or i am saying i dont give a shit about u straight to their face try it it will help:)
also there is a HUGE difference between someone triggering you by treating you badly and someone triggering ou by doing something that is objectively okay but that is associated to some trauma you have or to someone you gave you trauma (i'm saying "you" in a general way, i also include myself and everyone else in that "you") and i feel like many people can't tell the difference which ends up in self-sabotaging good relationships or good situations overall and i never see anyone talking about that even though it is so important because in life we're all gonna get triggered one way or another at some point, especially if we have deep serious trauma, and even by good people who treat us right so knowing how to spot the difference is so important and even necessary i'd say to get rid of those triggers and heal these traumas overtime, detachment is good and an improtant tool as well but some take it too far in order to avoid any sort of trigger or uneasy situation which in the end make them completely numb which is even worse on the long run (been there done that) cause we have to accept that healing also requires knowing how to get through difficult and uneasy feeling cause ik it sounds extremely cheesy but a healed life isn't a perfect life that is always positive and untriggering
Really well said.
Getting bad feedback from work affects me not just emotionally but personally too. Most of the time in my life it's been a boss or supervisor who has ruined my self confidence.
I never take my friends' inconsistencies seriously. We're all human. I hate people in authority who think its okay to disrespect and disregard me.
I agree
Couldn't agree more! Been through a hard time for months cause of this, and i had to quit in the end. It was my first job. First is suppose to be always special, heard of it. In my case it's definitely not. Just a bad experience. Ruined my self confidence and i don't trust myself anymore. It's hard to.
Scared of what lies ahead, what life has to offer.
I’m having a huge issue with this at work, people who have slight authority think it’s okay to disrespect and insult me and I’ve kinda reached my breaking point with it. I find myself ruminating about the disrespect and it’s hindering my performance at work as well. I’m trying to keep my emotions in check but it’s definitely hard.
From a young age, my mother taught me this. Many times I would come to her to complain about people who bothered me and while she would listen to me, in the end, she would say “Don’t pay attention to them. Just focus on your own stuff and what you have going on.”
Mental health is also developing that “thicker skin” and emotional intelligence to let small things go. It’s not always easy but it really does help protect my peace. I appreciate the concrete steps you mentioned and breaking down the process - we all need the reminder.
Yes, this was an excellent summary and I have had a long path to learn these skills or relearn them after having a broken family (of origin) with much stress and turmoil.
I needed this. I started a new job, and there have been a handful of rude ppl to me. Now, every time I see those ppl, I try to avoid them. But I'm pretty sure they don't care nor remember they were rude to the new girl (me). So I'm faced with the descision of letting it go, feel my feelings and then remembering their rudeness is thier problem not mine or be annoyed and holding onto it, potentially ruining my experience at this new place. Those people are legitimately strangers, why do I even gaf? I don't it just triggers my ppl pleasing tendencies. Because why don't these ppl like me, I want everyone to like me, but that's not logical. Sometimes conflict happens, people dislike you for no reason and you don't have to make it your (my) mission to change thier mind.
I agree with the main thrust of this; like it is a respectful and powerful place to be, where you know your own worth to the point that mean people cannot bother you. Like the meme: "In my lane, hydrated, moisturized, unbothered"
But also, alone. I think the part that often gets dismissed with this, is that friends are supposed to gas us up. We should feel validated when we are complimented, and we shouldn't feel weak or ashamed when we are hurt by their mean spirited comments.
No man is an island.
Agree, this was the only part of the topic I didn’t agree with. I’m very feeling person, maybe HSP level, and I need to feel my emotions. I can’t just turn them off and not be hurt by others even for a moment. But maybe this is also a sign of my continuing development
HSP is absolutely boggus
People aren't supposed to be mean. We get victim blamed for having feelings. There's less criticism for actually being terrible
i agree with this. i believe it's a two way street. We shouldn't take everything personally or latch on and never letting go of a comment for example. but unless we are aiming to be like a living statue, how others treat us will affect us and that is ok, they also have a responsibility on how to treat others (as do we).
I can detach like this. but from experience, it also means engaging in a less genuine or open way. sometimes, if it's something you can't choose or avoid like a workplace, it's the healthiest way. but for more personal relations, no, i don't think it's healthy to be an unbothered island. it is indeed very lonely.
I believe the advice on this video for the most part applies well enough for interactions with random people, acquaintances, co workers, etc., but i wouldn't take it word for word on how to approach a best friend, a loved one, etc. It's also advice that is heavily biased towards an un-emotional worldview. wereas i value and appreciate the whole range of human emotions. wether it's me or a close one that is angry for example, i want to understand and ampathize, i don't look to place the burden solely on them to be "unbothered" by something i did for example.
But also, by the way the creator described this scenario with a friend, it really doesn't sound like it's aiming towards close relationships either, so i guess it serves it's purpose in that way. i just would keep it as good advice for more distant interctions, because of course if every person on the street can get to you, you are gonna be miserable, but for closer interactions i don't believe it's good advice. it borders on victim blaming honestly.
The main thrust of this? 💀
I have autism and adhd, and I experienced complex trauma in high school that led to me developing severe anxiety, depression, dependent personality disorder, and a rare dissociative disorder that doesn’t have any treatments. I’m now 20 and can’t leave the house alone and am so sensitive that even the thought of a stressful situation will send me into a panic attack. I’ve been in therapy for over 8 years now, medicated on and off over that time, and been in a hospitalization program, and nothing has resonated with me as much as this video. I’ve been consistently let down by mental health professionals and started feeling hopeless. I started this video figuring it would be just another person saying “you’re just a speck in a huge world your problems aren’t a big deal just detach” but you genuinely gave such good advice. I love your use of the texting example, it really helped me understand how to put these tips into use. I subscribed halfway through and I’m so excited to see what other content you have on your channel. Truly, thank you!
Identical situation as you, it's damn tough.
When I was a teen and up until I was 24 I used to get extreme bouts of social anxiety and agoraphobia. I was diagnosed with bipolar and i would have normal, productive periods of time but then I would have either periods of depression or mania. When I was depressed, my anxiety levels were through the roof. So much so that i would be afraid of stepping outside my house to go on the bus and go to my therapy sessions. I would be afraid of people on the bus looking at me and thinking there’s something wrong with me. I’d be afraid of having to talk to the bus driver or anyone else on the way to my appointment. I would make up all these scenarios of everything that could possibly go wrong and psych myself out of getting out of the house. What I did to combat that: it took a long time but basically it’s important to push yourself every day to do the uncomfortable things that your mind is screaming at you not to do. Go outside for a walk, go get coffee, walk your dog, go out grocery shopping and force yourself to talk to the cashier, etc. if you have friends, send them a text, have a casual conversation. Don’t force yourself to do everything at once but at least one thing during the day. Journaling also helped a lot too. Nowadays there’s so many journals with writing prompts and I think those are better than just blank journals because they get you to write something instead of thinking of what you can write. Listening to music was also huge for my healing journey. I had a sad playlist for when I wanted to get my emotions out and cry. Followed by hopeful, more uplifting songs to bring my mood back up. Reading is also great and even reading self help books and just general fiction or non fiction books about overcoming hardships. Eventually the more you try to help yourself everyday instead of partaking in self sabotaging behaviors, your brain learns to adjust and it wants to help you feel better. I hope you’re doing well!
I am remaining still and quiet when I sense conflict of any kind now, whereas before my stomach would start churning and feel under attack . This is because I have been abused badly in the past , people pleasing mattered more to me than me . Thank you
Exactly. My emotions are just as valid as anyone else's. Just because I don't express myself or process emotions the way they do doesn't mean my feelings don't matter.
Girl.. im so shocked, especially that example of the guy ghosting after 3 dates, omg that is so so so on point! This guy in my life, he too ghosted me after 3 dates! And i was stressed about it, but your words "dont get stuck on him" is exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you for this, i think this video is put in my algorithm by God himself
this video was MADE for me omd.
i just recently had a friend wrongly accuse me of something then leave me indefinitely under silent treatment and i was crying for hours and hours over it with full anxiety, simply over feeling unheard.
im very easily triggered, anxious and just easily bothered by people so this isnt the first time a conflict makes me feel this way.
Ugh I'm so sorry that happened. I'm glad this video resonated with you. I made a video about being misunderstood! That may help also!
This girl knows her DBT 😭🙏🏼
🤣🤣🤣 I’m gonna tell my therapist about this comment. Sandra’s gonna love it
@@charlottemorabito :)
Literally what I was thinking lmao
What's dbt mean??
@@smolson8471Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It works
I’d love a video on dealing with the feelings of being misunderstood or people assuming negative things about you that aren’t true. For example I have a hard time letting go of people’s perceptions of me even when those people aren’t important to me. Such as friends I have fallen out of touch with who I have heard through the grape vine they consider me a bitch or whatever. I know that realistically that’s not true but I have a hard time because I want to know why they think that about me. I know what most people think of me isn’t important but I can’t seem to stop myself from feeling negatively about it.
Oooh that’s a really great suggestion! Thank you!
I struggle with this as well.
plsplsplspls YES im struggling with this the most rn
I used to care so much about people’s perception of me. I’d over explain myself or try to prove myself until I tried something new. I started proving people right by finding the real selfish and evil bitch in me and sprinkling it only on the people that give me those titles. It’s liberating to tap into all sides of yourself. Once you understand yourself better you’ll stop caring about being misunderstood by useless people.
I can relate
Charlotte, I can’t thank you enough for this video. I was in a funk over a flaky friend for 3 days. I was able to shift out of it immediately after watching this. It’s empowering.
Wonderful! Tysm for sharing ♥️ I’m glad it helped!
It's taken me many many years and healing to get to the point I'm unbothered after surviving a narcissistic relationship. It's a liberating feeling in the long run.
But the fact that you even got there is hope for people like me to keep going, knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m happy for your happiness. 🥺❤️
LET THEM. that has helped me a lot, and aso a phrase from Katt Williams. He said: "These people are not powerful. Satan can´t create anything that includes blessings for his people. Like, you know what is the number one rule of someone who sold their soul to Hollywood? Pretend and act like that never happened. I´m not gonna let you tell me what im gonna be, specially if what you're saying is wrong. I can´t condone wrong. Sorry God don't make mistakes. You don´t get two times to fuck me over"
Thank you for popping up in my feed! I have a co worker on my team who’s been lashing out in the office. Recently I set a boundary with him and he responded with “if you want to work in the world of business, you’re going to have to get used to being spoken to in this way. I can be aggressive if I want.” That definitely got under my skin, and I’ve been ruminating. However this is a great reminder to remember it’s not my problem, it’s his. HR is all over him. My job is to stay professional and firm on my boundaries, and let the company address his behaviour. This video was a wake up call to not let him or anyone be a drain on my time or energy. Thank you Charlotte ♥️
I needed this so bad today, you have no clue. Went home early crying after hours of letting someone constantly trigger and control me. Talked with my bf and he said the same thing you said, this is just a confirmation of my new life choices
Think of these situations as life trying to challenge you. Whatever they say only holds as much weight as you decide to give it. If you don't react, than it didn't change anything about this world and it's just words that came out of somebody's mouth that became air. Or allow it to have a meaning and use it to grow as a person and not give them the reaction they want. Whatever works best for you
Ok, but a lot of the times actual triggers are not something you are 'letting happen,' as it's a trigger and not completly in your control. I know we can do things to help us through, but O.o I'm confused.
Girl find better friends idk why people have the need to entertain rude people
I loved this video but as the friend with ptsd, panic attacks, and social anxiety, it has made me flaky. I will get completely ready to see the friend and then my symptoms come on suddenly. Anxiety isn’t something you can plan for 😢
You could try then to find an alternative such as let them come to your house or perhaps try to calm your symptoms with breathing excerises,meditation or even try to talk to your friend about it, if you don't do it often it's alright, but If you do it could make your friends feel disrespected just try your best to find a solution for it you got this!
I have same issue with volunteering at my local community shelter. I'll set days to go. I can make it some of the time.
Me too ❤ yeah it was a bit sad to hear for me too, don’t worry though, this is just an example, and we know what it’s like on the other side. I tried to console myself by knowing that I do tell peeps that I would need to meet them somewhere quiet- it took a while to explain & get them to understand but true friends will make allowances for you if they care ❤ If they won’t understand- screw them eh! 😉🤣❤ sending you a hug my fellow anx girl! Love 💕
i would say listen to yourself, your feelings and signals, maybe it's true that it comes out of nowhere, but as someone who experiences a lot of anxiety and trauma too, sometimes the signals of how much you'll be able to deal with or how little will be required to shut you off are there, and we don't always pay mind to them since our lives go on.
Be honest to yourself. if you feel insecure about going out, let them know there's a chance this may happen, and have a plan B. Some people won't understand you and still just resort to being offended: that's on them. but if you communicate, some people will be open to accomodate for your needs.
I get seizures that might be from trauma ptsd ,honestly it's so debilitating, I never leave the house, I want to join the gym with my friend but I warned her there might b some days I might feel strange and ill get paranoid and I wont go..😢
This needs to be said because... social media and the internet itself really impacted my mental health.
There's so much things that are clickbait, ragebait... etc. I hated it. Its all distracting. Its like my minds never at peace,
Thank you for the video.
I’ve been married for 2 years and even since I got married my mother in law is always saying things to me in directly and i hate that it always takes up my mind. Sometimes I know that she’s waiting to get a reaction out of me but I don’t react. There was a time when I literally was sobbing in the car right after we left her house. I was able to manage my stress a lot better in the past but ever since I got married I feel like I’m constantly stressed when I have to deal with her. It gotten to a point where it has affected my health. I hope that one day I can learn to just let go of the things she says.
Let them my dear just ignore and move forward with your life.❤
Thanks
I’ve been having panic attacks dealing with an overbearing boss. This video was a must watch, thank you!
I keep getting triggered by people abandoning me for no reason. Abusing my trust and treating me unfairly. Blaming me when i stand my ground when im hurt.
Putting myself has been a first these last few months and it hurts to see how poorly ive been treated by (fake) friends. I have now distanced with boundaries or deleted.
Just needs to hear this as meeting new people comes with the negative side. Ive met a few good ones. Though i do get bothered fast seeing people i click with just shrug me off.
I shall try and take your words as i have been trying to oull away from the oh no it hapoening again...bkah boah saddness.
A new shift to he happy with my time and energy. Anyone that isn't with this, than it time to just feel joy in our own magick.
I believe in myself.
Thank you 🙏💕
Just a different perspective on the anxiety situation, that if that was the reason, perhaps bringing it up a few hours later to not make her anxiety worse... cause if my friend told me that in that moment, I would feel even more anxious about future interactions. Also, it's not always predictable, and it's something you live with your whole life, so going out is normal, but sometimes, things don't go the way we want, and its really distressing and can come on very quickly. Also I've found anxiety isn't a I'm struggling in a specific period of time its just something we live with that can fluctuate day to day.
yeah i found her example abit off she doesn't know whats its like to have an anxiety disorder
Yeah her example really made me feel weird. I would fucking terrible if a “friend” responded with me cancelling because of anxiety to be like “ok well you need to let me know when you have anxiety ahead of time because now I’ve wasted my time and you’re being disrespectful” like that’s not how anxiety works sis we can’t exactly predict it
agreed. like pre-planning and communication is absolutely important obviously, i'm not negating that, but just from the perspective of an anxious person, you really can't predict or foresee a panic attack or a hit of anxiety no matter how much you plan for it. it just happens, and it can be completely random at times. i wouldn't blame the friend with anxiety if i were the one planning in this situation (even if it would be frustrating in the moment), and i can see myself in the anxious friend's shoes because i understand what SAD (social anxiety disorder) is like to have. i very likely have it. it's terrifying to physically feel everyone's eyes on you and judging you. i know i'd feel pretty hurt if someone, especially a loved one like a friend, told me i was being disrespectful for something i literally cannot control, even if the situation did result in a loss of time and effort. i'd even so as far as to say the "it's not my fault i have anxiety" response is understandable to an extent cause like... it isn't. panic attacks can just happen, and while that isn't a great response to give (especially if the person receiving it may not get it), it's understandable.
Exactly this. In the case of an event of a friend with anxiety cancelling last minute, I do think that there needs to be a conversation about boundaries and possible solutions, but I actually think it's more harmful to set it in that moment. Like, "Hey, I understand, it sucks that you're having anxiety / Thanks for telling me / Would something else work better? / Let's talk later when you're feeling better," and then set boundaries and talk about solutions when you do talk later and actually confirm they are ok. Being cancelled on last minute still sucks and is disrespectful, but I also think ignoring the fact a friend is having bad anxiety or a panic attack is also disrespectful and unsupportive, too. If there was another medical reason someone cancelled, (nausea, etc.,) I think a lot of people would also wait until they're feeling better to discuss anything, boundaries or otherwise.
I don't think there is much difference in the 'friend' who will push you back and ignore you trying to talk to them about being cancelled on last minute and just claim, "I can't help it, it's not my fault," and refuse to even acknowledge that they hurt you, and the 'friend' who in the middle of you having a panic attack, ignores how you are presently feeling and tells you how much your current physical, mental and emotional pain, (caused by a medical condition,) is currently inconveniencing them and how they expect you to fix things so that they feel better in that exact moment.
But you can't use that as an exuse to your friends and family each time, if it keeps happening often you should try finding solutions like just as she said, they could come over to your house or maybe some breathing excerises and meditations, if your diagnosed professionally and have a therapist you can ask them for solutions too, your friends or family can feel disrespected or let down, they love your company and would love to be able to see you often without of course any distress, this is my ipinion
I'm 39 and had a friend (36) of over 22 years text me saying he was on Steam. I told him I was busy and I'd probably be on tomorrow and he cut ties. I told him whatever he was going through I'm willing to listen. I'm not going to escalate things or even get mad, I realize he's the one going through something and even people at his job told him he had an attitude and he excuses it by saying "can you blame me for having one"? Yeah. Thanks for this video.
When it comes from a long time friend it stings, but random people I don't even really know that make "insults" I just laugh and dismiss them easily at this point in my life.
Thanks for this.
I am sorry but if a friend keeps cancelling, I am ending the friendship..I am not trying to hang in there and rescue them from their bad behavior..
same here, dealing w this rn
yup, the same thing happened to me, I kept making plans to hang out with this ex friend of mine, she kept declining and cancelling at the last moment, literal bitch, felt amazing after unfollowing her!
I'm ashamed to say that yesterday I reacted very poorly to an unfortunate situation in which someone I love(d) hurt me quite badly. In no way am I excusing their behavior, *BUT* I know that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I regret doing so, and I wish I had seen this video sooner. It gave me new perspective and offered a lot of helpful advice I'll use in the future. Thank you! ❤
Stop letting? Some triggers just happen. I can't control a lot of my flashbacks. I just self isolate now.
I go through those too: emotional flashbacks. We sometimes interpret triggers subconsciously, so it’s near impossible to spot. Agh! Only thing that helps me is acknowledging that it’s a flashback and not a current moment, and respect it (aka not avoid it). Avoiding it causes me more anxiety, so I dwell quickly on how I’ve learned from it and how to keep myself safe from that happenstance. I’m assuming that’s why you isolated?
Stay a victim.
@comment right above me Ur not welcomed here
you're valid for feeling this way, and it's good to realize that the flashbacks are trauma and that in the process of healing, we don't initially always have control over it. this video seems to be a bit more focused on people who don't have trauma responses to work through it seems. i relate to you heavily though as i also cannot control a lot of my flashbacks :( best of luck in your healing journey
@shatteredscry yes, I get tactile , auditory and emotional flashbacks. I still don't know what causes some of them.
If people say certain phrases, I get angry, sad, feel worthless.
Same with smells .
The purple hair comment really resonated. Thank you so much x
Watching this because my social media presence is growing. Also I work in retail and the customers are a trip!
Congrats on your socials! May I recommend my video about being misunderstood? A lot of that insight comes from years on the internet haha
I once had a guy try to insult me by saying , "Do you disappoint all the men in your life like this?" Lol, it made me laugh so hard he wasn't a fan of my reaction. He really thought he did something😂 retail is a trip!
I never really got into the series, I only read one of the books, and at the time I never really thought about why I didn't enjoy it. Thinking on it now, I really do think it's because Harry never acts like a child who has suffered abuse, which I myself had. I could relate to the fact he had been mistreated, but that was where it ended.
My 'Harry potter' was Skulduggery Pleasant. A world where basically all of the characters can be read as neurodivergent. A world where, despite the main character having a loving family I could actually relate to her because she was a silly goofy kid who pretended she was fine despite some incredibly and viscerally awful things happening to her. She dealt with flashbacks and trauma and substance abuse, made decisions that were inarguably bad, even tried to defend them at points. She truly felt like a real person despite also being a larger than life fictional character. Sure its not a perfect series, her dating a teenage vampire who was actually like, 80 or something was gross but at the same time it was made very obvious how disturbing it actually was. Derek Landy doesn't just have a love for his story, but for the people who read it. Growing up with Valkyrie was one of the very few good things from my childhood.
In a less subtle sense, the series of unfortunate events books also gave me great comfort, they were fully abused by each of their caretakers in some way, so I could easily relate to them while also getting lost in the fantasy of the strange world that does capture the kind of confusion I felt towards the world as a kid
I grew up in an abusive family and my dad is a (covert) narcissist. All my life, I've been pretty reactive from the abuse and trauma, and I've done years of therapy just to stop it but never figuring out how or what to do when dealing with my emotions. Coming across your video, it finally clicked for me and the things I've done to protect myself like making boundaries. Setting realistic compromise and also looking at a perspective that doesn't frame me as the problem was something I've never considered! Thank you for that! I've always been very soft and sometimes flaky on putting myself first 😢 This truly helps, love your advice ❤
This warms my heart! thank you so much for the comment. I also have a family member who shows narcissistic tendencies and watching my family heal from their abuse is really rewarding as we start to figure out how to navigate a person who will never change.
Asked my ex manager for a reference after literally carrying their company for a year before I resigned ...to get no reply - needed this 🙏🏻TY
I’ve been ignoring my difficult feelings for so long, that it feels like a never ending weight in my body. That’s exactly the level of attention my inner child needs, thank you for explaining so well ❤
The law of detachment section actually makes so much sense given my recent failed attempt at getting a guy to commit
I so love this message! I get frustrated at times when I consider how at times it feels we demand and expect others in our society to abide by our values and when they don’t, we allow that friction to make us upset and feel out of control. We are not in control. We cannot control others, we cannot do anything other than control ourselves and train our own minds to not allow others to affect us.
Someone said something that brings up past trauma? Realize they likely don’t intrinsically know that what they said could affect you like that.
Someone you love was distant towards you when you felt you really needed some attention and support? They might be going through something on their end and perhaps they withdrawal in those moments..
As a culture, we often make the mistake of viewing human behavior and ethics and values as a cookie cutter. We expect others to mirror our own values and zeal. This is such a setup on many levels to just feel victimized and disappointed. Life is not fair. Life is full of despair, pain, and discomfort. In my life experience, I’ve learned to try my best to focus less on others and their actions or intentions and focus more on me and how I respond to moments where friction exists.
I dont ruminate so much as tell them exactly what I think. I give that shit right back and dont hold it. We will always get pissed about something. it's ok to be mad and confrontational!
Yes, it’s a great choice to be confrontational as long as you don’t care about maintaining a healthy relationship with that person
@@meowiestwo ...or until you meet someone who is even more confrontational and criminally insane and then do something criminal.
@@ranc1977 in the context in the video the person is a friend so presumably you'd know that about them.
@@meowiestwo Friends do not treat each other as trash. Because they are friends. Not enemies.
I agree.
You have no idea how much I needed this! I am currently in the hospital for a stomach complication that was caused by stress. I have a difficult relationship with my father and everything that he says in a moment of heat, I take that to heart. Now that it manifested into my physical health I really need to work on myself more and learn how to detach. This video was really helpful, made me rethink how I've responded in the past and convinced me to try another approach. Thank you!
In all of my 30 years of life this is my first RUclips comment. This video is everything I needed. RUclips search - "how to not be so reactive" this video popped up and everything was explained so well. Thank you so much girl. Love your videos!
Charlotte I love you, how accurately you put across why we get so much more bummed by the attachments to the outcome of a potential romantic relationship than our friendships and why it affects us the way it does. You are an absolute gem.
Thank you so much, bb! ❤️ I'm glad the video was helpful
i needed this thank you!! im struggling in my relationship with a narcissistic sister in law 🥴 it’s difficult to navigate this relationship because i’d rather never speak to her again, but that’s just not realistic when she’s apart of my family and comes around every so often… like im getting better with removing my energy from my experiences with her but i still get triggered and it’s so frustrating!!
that’s how i feel about most of my family, i’d rather never speak to them but it’s not realistic
You have so much company. I have two nieces. My husband and I have always been kind, supportive, encouraging to both of them. Recently one of our nieces broke up with her fiancé. He sent us a message stating that they actually hate us and talk bad about us when we are not around but want to stay in touch for when they need something. He thought we should know. I would normally write this off as sour grapes, however he named specific events in which this occurred. And their behavior does line up with someone that doesn’t really care much about us (coming around only when they want something, never staying long, never asking us how we are or what’s going on in our lives, etc).
Gurl, this video helped so much. The example you gave about the flaky friend literally happens to me. She frequently flakes out on me, giving vague reasons and most of the time not even apologizing for it. It really triggered me so much, and it still does, but the way you explained how to stay unbothered really helped a lot.
The whole video is a gem. I like how you gave examples for everything you were explaining it really helps a lot to understand.
"Recognize the feeling and release it": this is going to be so helpful. For some reason, I didn't really know what to do with these emotions, and now, I know. Thank you!!!
I’m floored by your kite analogy. I had to pause the video and think about it for a good 20 minutes 😂 Keep making videos, this is your calling!
I don't suggest saying something that assumes intent on the other side. "You aren't respecting my time" would turn into "i feel that my time was disrespected".
Then they just answer "well then that's a you problem"
@@ROYALRAT123 sometimes you have to (work, school,..) , and they keep coming at you 😂
Thanks, people suck! They do all those things, that you mentioned. So glad I found this video, reassurance is a blessing
i really love that you dont cover your grey hairs. theyre so pretty. i cant wait until i get them. i love it
Thank you! I think of it as having built in tinsel haha Buddy the Elf would love it
It doesn't look bad either it matches your clothes😁@@charlottemorabito
It's beautiful!!
Thank you. I needed this. 🙏 keep going. Great content.
Thank you! Will do!
No words can describe how much i needed this right now
just found your page and confused why you don’t have more subscribers.. your content is amazing!
I’ve been working on this for so long. I really hate feeling like I can’t live my life because my mind is focused on something that hurt me. As a kid, I never received any justice and as an adult that can get messy quickly as I try to make justice for myself when a) I’m not very good at it and b) sometimes I look for justice where no such thing can be found.
Picking my battles has been very helpful. Sometimes I just don’t have time for bs and I choose to move on so I can be happy with the many things I have built and deal with other much bigger problems in my life. I’ve really had to decide who I’m going to let be my friend, but also watch and see if someone really does want to be my friend because it’ll be easier than hunting down that desired outcome you spoke of.
This video really helped put some of my thoughts into better perspective and assured me that I’m taking the right steps. Thank you!
I so relate to the justice thing. I think that's why I feel so strongly when I interpret a comment as a criticism (my negative filter is STRONG from childhood trauma). I feel driven to explain why it was so hurtful to me and essentially get the person to apologise and promise to not do it again. I was always told I was in the wrong no matter what as a child so I became a doormat to survive that emotional climate, but I think now my mind is determined to feel that sense of justice I was denied as a child 😅 I can't change being triggered, the CPTSD is strong, but I want to improve how I react to those triggers
As someone with anxiety, I was with you until you said that part about giving you a heads up earlier. This is just not how anxiety works, I dont have it scheduled in my calendar to let others know ahead of time. And if I was in that state of feeling stressed, pacing back and forth and biting my nails, and a friend tried what you suggested, setting a boundary and pointing it out to me in that vulnerable state, I would feel disrespected. I would feel that the hard action of opening up and being vulnerable is being stomped on.
You would feel disrespected if your friend clearly and empathetically communicating to you how they are being impacted? You want the space and safety to express yourself but your friend doesn’t get the same courtesy?
@@charlottemorabito its not the action itself but the timing. I think it is important to set the boundary, but doing so immediately when your friend is on the verge of a panic attack is not the move. I was on both ends of this situation and it just made the anxious person spiral. If you care about someone, you give them space and support first. You cant have a calm, logical conversation about doing better and being more empathetic when someone is not in a rational state of mind.
That’s good to know ♥️
Exactly this, anxiety and depression is another ball game
That’s where I tapped out too. It feels like a lack of empathy to me.
The number of times I've told friends that I'm a good dancer because I just fully release to the stim - so glad I'm not the only one making this connection!
needed this, it's hard for me being around some people who i used to be friends with but they treated me poorly, but because we attend the same courses i can't just "not be around them and avoid them". i want to maybe not like them, but also not be obsessed over them in this negative way that makes me so triggered. it's sometimes hard when my body reacts on its own with fear and anxiety, but that is also a sign for me that i still need to do some healing on this matter. wishing everyone who goes through simillar stuff the best!
I’m autistic, ADHD, and OCD. I have an internalized fear/phobia or being perceived negatively. This comes for the perfectionism, rejection sensitivity, and trauma which leads to extreme rumination. Even knowing why doesn’t help me. Other people’s actions toward me consume me completely. Intellectually, I know everything said in this video; I’ve even told people the same things. Internalizing and putting in practise are another story. I’m still working on it, but I wonder if I’ll ever truly be able to not give a crap what people think of me.
You spoke to me on a spiritual level with this. I feel like my vibes are always good or at least I’m always trying to vibrate at a high frequency, so when someone throws that off, it REALLY bothers my soul lol. Gonna try this!
i was getting frustrated over ppl and the algorithm spoke to me lol, thank you for this video !!
I’m in Therapy and starting to see the world in a completely different light now that I have an unbiased perspective starting to form as well as healthy attachments and mindset. I’m glad I’m getting your content when I need it to keep me on the right path. Thank you for what you do.
OK, so the thing about panic attackts and anxiety, you NEVER know ahead of time when one is coming on. You might agree to go out and an hour later be in a full on anxiety panic attack and unable to meet.
This video was so helpful and awesome, i think about detachment A LOT and ive been working on being more detached and sure of myself and boundaries for years. Thank you for this!
I don’t know why this popped up in my algorithm but I’m glad it did. Thank you for reminding me about shaking and breathwork. Subscribed ❤
Works for spouses too ! I have learned to love my husband but also detach let him learn on his own and figure things out. People are exhausting as women we are not taught this. My daughter will learn this ASAP
Kind of incredible that this video popped up on my recommended. Lately I’ve been struggling more than ever with getting along with my fiancé‘s mom. every negative comment or judgment she makes about me or my family has really been getting under my skin. This has been causing more feelings of resentment and anxiety whenever we have a family get together with her present. I had a somewhat vague idea of what I needed to do to get over these feelings, but your video just help me make a full realization. Thank you.
You look like my therapist ,this just kinda shows me there’s many more people out there who are here to support and share love you pretty lady
This exact thing about the friend happen to me yesterday.
My friend tends to cancel with no notice. Yesterday she just didn’t respond to me.
I was disappointed, I felt angry and like my time is t worth respect.
She does this because she anxious.
Although I totally understand it still feels bad.
Now I will find a way to respectfully set a boundary. This is the hard part for me !
Anxious to message u that she cant go lol sounds like an excuse find better friends
She's not anxious, she's an asshole
@slvie hi I would try to ask your friend what does she feel anxious about when she's not in a panic stage set of mind? When you make plans is it a new place you wanna go to ? Restaurant or mall somewhere there's a lot of people and noise ? It could be soft anxiety suggest you guys can hang out to watch a movie at your place or just to go to her and watch a movie then if she cancels with no explanation I'll start setting a boundary good luck 😀
"be as calm as you possibly can" wonderful recommendation actually
Thanks! This seems very helpful and I'll start from now.
Being so sensitive and taking things personally has ruined my life, i couldn't live in peace anymore.
I know that trying to replace that with your tips might be hard but I'm willing to do it at all costs because is the key to improve the quality of my life, I won't feel drained by other people anymore
I am so amazed at your ability to get out so much information in such a short amount of time. I'm 77 yrs. old and learned SO much about dealing with emotions. I'll definitely look forward to future videos!! Thank you for sharing!
6:59 I have heard something wonderful recently, don’t remember where so please correct me if I am wrong, but when you practice self soothing and more specifically nervous system regulation in the moment when you’re triggered (and do this regularly) your body learns how to do it automatically. So awesome! Your body loves you lots!❤
Yeah my mom came downstairs in a shitty mood this morning. Instead of getting heated and venting about it, I put on my headphones, took a walk, picked up leaves in my front yard, cleaned and swept my foyer, made a healthy breakfast, and am sipping tea while listening to you. I am realized that she was in the bad mood and it has nothing to do with me- my day will go on. Merry Christmas Eve!
I’ve been challenged by so many triggering relationship situations this year, friends, lovers and family. I have had to learn the hard way to be less reactive but still second guess myself, thank you for this video!
I needed to hear this, thank you so much. My partner broke up with me recently and I’m realizing how much I let my fulfillment depend on her presence, and how much I dwelled on her and why she would break up with me. Much love ❤️✌️
Recently someone tried to bully me. I'm 40 by the way lol. Yeah, exactly. I'm the quiet computer nerd IT support girl. They literally bought something on Amazon they thought would be embarassing and had it shipped to my work mailbox. WILD.
At first I was like wow... really? I haven't had a single confrontation. I keep to myself. I don't gossip. I barely even socialize. Who the hell did I piss off?
But then I decided it was funny because good god how bored must you be? I genuinely don't have time to even think something like that up, let alone execute it. I don't even have time to consider the people around me in that context. I'm a fulltime student on top of being a full time worker and outside of that, I have hobbies. I enjoy being me VERY MUCH. Being a nerd is my favorite thing about me! It means I'm smart, capable, and determined. I don't know who they thought they were bringing down but it wasn't me :) 10 years ago that scenario might have caused me to quit my job. It took a lot of practice to become unaffected, but damn does it feel good once you get there. 🌟
Great job! This is exactly what she means when she says it’s about the person not you. This shows how immature that person is, they are not worth the time.
I love that you are an IT Nerd!❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉
if I may ask what'd they actually buy to "embarass" you? I'm curious
Wow! Much respect. Well done.
I NEVER search for videos like this. I have been easily irritated by people lately and can’t figure out why. This video popped up and in just want to personally thank you for creating this. Resources always appear when we need them most but they wouldn’t exist without people like you so thank you
The way this video helped me more than months of therapy lmaooo ❤
As someone who has been flaky and who is trying to set better boundaries this was very helpful in a multitude of ways ❤ thank you for all the time and effort you put into these videos!
The way I have been absolutely binging all of your videos! I love your authenticity and down to earth approach to self-improvement. It truly feels like getting advice from a real friend. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and congrats on all the progress you've made with your channel! Can't wait to see you hit 100k subs and beyond! A topic idea I had (because it's what I'm currently working through) is learning to let go and allowing yourself to move forward. For me it's letting go of a past chapter of my life and old version of myself but this could also be about a person, limiting beliefs, bad habits etc. Letting go can be so tough, well wishes and strength to anyone going through the struggle ❤
as a femme gay, Philippines is where you find THE most homophobic people (emphasis on men). i learned acting unbothered the hard way, i was so reactive back then but when i reached college i slowly realize if i put energy to it i'm denying myself.
it is still triggers me, i'm just a human being, full of emotions, but i remind myself of my worth. no one must define yourself but you.
I've delt with consistent bs, abuse, neglect, harassment and disrespect for nearly 24 years or so of my life from the start at age 5 until I finally moved in with someone who actually cares about me. It's still so hard to let go and a lot I still need to unlearn because I've been a doormat since forever has driven me insane. I wish I had access to this advice sooner as long term isolation and PTSD has led to so much poor handling of these types of situations.
Same here, peace to you
I've trying to set my life for me, not for people. I take things SOOOO seriously that now I've seeing that is hurting my feelings and my days. This video was the slap on the face that I need it. Thank you so so much❤
I'm going through this... What if the trigger is your family member, and you've communicated both respectfully and efficiently how their behaviour affects you, but the behaviour does not change? Logically, I know I should put distance because I can't completely detach, but I'm sooooooo close to pulling out my own my hair.
I personally had this happen to me where I repeatedly asked the family member to stop bringing up 3 specific political opinions that I disagree with and that are very much a direct attack on *me* as an individual. they ignored me. It seems like ignorance rather than malice. They’re really that clueless that they don’t know what they’re communicating. I’ve decided this is a deficit of their character and their lack of impulse control and ability to read the damn room is going bite them in the ass one day. And whenever they bring it up now, I think about how clueless they are and how other people in their lives probably hate this too. And that gives me the strength to not react. I change the subject. I don’t engage. I’ve changed my emotional reaction from anger to pity.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Are you old enough to live alone?
People always treat me poorly and don't check up on me and ignore me it bothers and hurts so bad
Timing is crazyyy I was just ranting to people about what happened at work today.
i’ve been on this healing journey for 2 years now and honestly with the influx of the self help/improvement content, i’ve become quite skeptical abt this so i tend to just stick to my top 3 youtubers who’ve been preaching for a long time.
UNTIL i came across this video. bcs lately i had been struggling with peace and detachment and saw this on my feed so i instantly clicked on it.
3 mins into this video i was already so grateful to have clicked on it! the way you’ve explained everything with so much clarity and examples, especially the boundaries step. oof i loved it sm i started making notes lol.
your calm and positive aura helps alot too thank you so much for this!!