I wonder how common this is. My mother lost her brother (he was only 20, she a couple of years older) and I recently learnt that my parents broke up almost a year mostly due to reasons that could be traced to that trauma. They got back together, now they have three grown children and are still together 30 years later. Also had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend recently after his mother died suddenly in a traffic accident and they had been together multiple years and seemed happy before that. I guess death and trauma changes you, but I hope people can try to stay through rough patches even though it is painful because there is light on the end of the tunnel.
@@aquilachefba-ados There used to be a columnist, Erma Bombeck, who wrote funny articles. One of her books was titled "The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank". Think about it,
She should get off of Facebook and Instagram and stop comparing herself to others. Everyone has struggles that we have to work with, most of us all have traumas and unresolved issues and sometimes its a constant pestering in your head, that need to change. Understand that everyone goes through that and try to work it out with your husband, if not for him, for sake of your kids. Too many broken homes are what is causing societies current meltdown.
You hit the nail on the head! Get off social media and get rid of your TV, they do nothing but brainwash you into thinking what the "picture perfect" life is. Get debt free, help others, and appreciate what LITTLE you have instead of how much you DON'T have.
Grieve the lost of the orginal picture stay with the husband and work on you. Trust a husband like that is rare and your marriage will be better. EXPERIENCE!!!! BEEN MARRIED 14 YEARS went throught the same exact thing.
lady's husband was a true man when he decided to stick around with the girl he knocks up in high school. that's true love and commitment. guys in high school will say anything to get laid and then ghost. but not this guy. and despite it all he mans up and is in it for the long haul. lady just needs a drive in life outside family like a career or business. no need to break up the home. specially if the guy respects and loves the woman.
Fairytales are ruining lives. This woman wants to go through her garden tool phase. Once she realizes that lifestyle is an illusion, she’ll probably try to return
About 30 years ago, I was morbidly unhappy because I was not married and no man (no “RIGHT” man) was showing any interest in me. I made a decision that I would stop being unhappy with my single status and surrender it to the Lord. I had come to the realization that if I was unhappy as a single woman, I would be unhappy as a married woman, because I would take the unhappiness into the marriage with me! That’s similar to what Dr. John is saying to this young woman. If she doesn’t deal with the grief, she’ll take it with her wherever she goes. I am now 60 and still unmarried, but very content with my single life!
Married at 19 now married 44 yrs, love is a choice not a feeling! I was blessed to have a couple who were married 60 yrs tell me how they made it “we never feel out of love at the same time”. That exciting feeling fades and if you need that you’re doomed to bounce from man to man.
Love is a feeling. People have attempted to make themselves love people they don't love, but they can't do it. What you mean is that fulfilling marriages take work.
True. Your feelings will change. You will feel different when certain event happens to you. But the people you choose to put in your life is your decision.
Decide to fall in love with him and make the life you want together. In ten years, he will be the best friend you’ve ever had and you will be thankful for his solid dependability. It’s worth making it work.
PS - get your essential vitamins, minerals, and Hormones checked. Having those at optimal levels will give you the best physiological chance at transforming your mental and emotional state. Dr D is spot on!!!
If you decide to fall in love, you're faking it. And if you're faking it, today or tomorrow, reality will hit you in the face. Love cannot be forced. If it isn't there, let it go.
If she's smart, she will stay with her husband. Many men (and women) out there are horrible. She will most likely get her heart broken repeatedly. Being the mother of two young kids will put her at the bottom of the dating barrel. The few good men who are out there are probably going to stay away from a single mom. She has a husband who is devoted to her. Men like that are rare and she should count her blessings. She's chasing a dream that doesn't exist. She's nearly 30 and seriously needs to grow up.
@Melissa Oestreich this is such BS. Single parents remarry all the time. Besides if the “men” won’t date her because of her kids then she doesn’t need to date them, not a good fit, not a loss.
with all respect, i feel like this is a lack-based mindset...there are still good people out there and not every divorced or single mom is damaged goods. It all depends on the type of person you are... Are you an asset or a liability to a man or woman? Have to consider what you bring to the table and what makes you a catch.
@@tanL22 it seems to me that she's playing a major role in her own misery. if she's admitted to saying that she's not attracted to him, she's probably actually said much worse to him. only reason i can think why someone says something that cruel to someone they supposedly love is if they're trying to force him to leave her so she isn't the bad one. she sounds abusive. given the details that she shared, the husband isn't the problem, she is. she definitely needs to grow up and re-adjust her expectations on marriage. Otherwise what is leaving him going to do, she's just going to place unrealistic expecations on the next guy.
Many times we think that the "grass will be greener on the other side", but in time we realize that the problem was the glass we were looking through. We need to find contentment within our lives and the blessings we have in them. Because we become desensitized to our own existence sometimes and it isn't until something terrible changes our perspective, that we realize what we had and how much we loved it. I bet if something happened to her child or her husband, her whole view of her world would change. I don't say this from a negative space, she's allowed to grieve and her feelings are valid. But a new perspective might challenge the permanency of those feelings in her life.
She needs a career/hobby/something to focus on other than family and kids, if her entire life is nothing but cooking, cleaning and changing diapers it’s no wonder she’s depressed
Lol, definitely depends on the woman! I would add friends to that list because I do have a couple of true blue gf’s, but I LOVE being a stay at home parent with no career and just my kid and my house and my husband 🤷🏻♀️. The day I became a mother it was like ahhhhhh, I felt like I totally had my content, happy place. I would be miserable in a career type lifestyle. Never even consider it. Zero appeal.
@@aimeeglatt3299 You should marry a man who has same kind of morals and family goals like you. There are many men like that finding them is hard but when you find one you will be happy. people usally forget the fact that being with your loved ones is is the best thing in the world. Career and money is only for survival of your family nothing more. I will never marry a woman who gives priority to career and money over family and children. I hope you will find a good man ❤️
I'm surprised he didn't mention anything about post partum depression. It could play a big part on no motivation and no desire. Sometimes something as simple as changing the contraceptive method she's using can help loads. Been there done that.
And getting some good sleep once in a while. Long term sleep deprivation contributes to low libido, anxiety, weight gain, and depression. Been there done that.
Seems like maybe she married him because they had a child together and wanted to do the right thing, but longevity in relationships is unlikely when two do not share other deep binding values and interests
This woman is entering real adulthood, aging and realizing she's missed on all the fun. She's going through some serious life crisis. wish her good luck because she's going to need it.
@@streetfearfactor90 living by yourself, hobbies, travel, freedom, independence, going out with friends, spontaneous activities/experiences, going to school, etc
I can relate to this message . We go through different stages of grief at different points in our lives . Especially when it doesn’t look like we thought it would look like.
It's also important to remember that you can't go back and get a do-over. I know so many women this age who picture the alternative to their life as the dating opportunities they had at 18 with no kids.
Exactly, if she bounces she will be a single mother of 2 kids. Guys may want to hit it, but not many men of value will want to marry that. I sure wouldn’t.
Key word here is grieve. No matter what sort of logical case one makes staying, it's the deep emotions that have not been dealt with that will ultimately wreck havoc if not confronted.
Great advice! People truly believe they are "miserable" because of the situation when really the problem is within themselves. No situation is going to fix you until you fix yourself. I struggled hard when I became a stay at home mom, got counseling and im glad I didn't give up.
@@tylergable2445 who does? 😂 being a stay at home Mom is super depressing. No time for yourself, not much to do besides the same daily activities on repeat 💀 sounds pretty bad to me.
@@v.g7279 imagine saying you have no time to yourself when you’re a stay at home mom 😂. Ok. Then go to work and let me know how much time to yourself you have haha
@@tylergable2445 LMAO yeah I have plenty of time and money for myself when I’m not at work 😭 oh and the me time and vacations with just bae and I?! SUPERB! ☺️
@@tylergable2445 she can go to work and after work she can go for a coffee with her colleagues while the man can look after the child/kids. So they can share income and household and child responsibility. She does not have to do everything. Men need to respect women staying at home with their kids 24 out of 24 /7. They just go go work and then relax or go out for a drink with colleagues and kids raise up by the literally the mother. He needs to take responsibility and look after his children.
Writer; please learn to love yourself. Find your self worth. Not through social media, not through your husband or kids. You need to find your self worth within yourself. Nobody can give it to you. It's external validation that we seek which will ruin us. Internal validation is key! Wonderful insight Doc~ well said ❤️
As someone who went through post partum depression, she should talk to her OB Dr about how she is feeling. It can you feel like your suffocating in your life by the people who surround you. Its not just crying all day and feeling sad. I. Its weird and embarrassing to even say the words outloud, but its a dr visit that could save your life, marriage, and relationship with your kids.
She may have gotten married too young.A lot of times when this happens you are in a different place, or are not the same person at 27, as you were at 19.
Definitely the case. Who truly knows who they are/what they want in life at 18? I was too young also...so i can deeply relate to what she is going through. I wasn't 18, but in my early 20's and had no business getting married. Just very grateful we never wanted or had kids together.
Wow, this is so weird. I'm so used to seeing women complain about their cheating husband or an old boyfriend got her pregnant at 18. This man actually married her and stayed with her, she says her husband is a good person, but not attracted to him anymore. Trust me, there are alot of losers out there.
I highly recommend doing everything you can to put yourself first. Be more radical. I travel. Even if it’s a small trip, once I get out of my rut I always feel better. I go to Codependents anonymous and alanon which really helps me center. I suffer depression and it can really get me down if I don’t throw myself out of it. Literally into somewhere else. Also it’s ok to leave your marriage. It’s ok to stay. There is no right way. I left my marriage and so did my sisters. The problem may be with me, but it can compound with another person who is not trying to grow or change. I have a ton of problems. It’s not the other person. But I never regret leaving. I had to get myself back. Also it’s ok to take an extended break and try out a separation. Just don’t judge yourself. And there are ways to bring the life back to a marriage. Having him be present with you and listen and truly see you. Because it’s so easy to get lost. Good luck.
I hope that she listened to him. I can't relate to her situation but I can relate to being in the daughter's shoes. If she continues there is a risk that the daughter will grow up resenting her and not wanting to be married or have kids because she associates it with being miserable. Kids are resilient but it's not just about her and her husband.
I am sad nobody is saying nothing about how she treats her 10 year old I think that is dreathfull, it is not the little girls fault, of her bad decisions, and best advice for this lady is go back to school.
Your advice reminds me of a Carly Simon song, The Stuff that Dreams are Made Of. One of the lyrics is "Take a new picture". It's a great song and is written exactly about this type of situation. And as someone who has started over near a dozen times now hoping for something different, Delony is right. You take you with you. At some point, you gotta stop and make a stand.
As an almost 37 year old woman who began adulthood in the exact same way, pregnant at 18 and married at 18, I'd like to say that girl needs to work on herself big time. When you begin adulthood as a mother/wife, it's what you become sometimes forever. But being a wife and mother doesn't have to be it and nothing else... Life is full of you make it that way. You are your best motivation.
If a woman isn’t attracted to her husband anymore…that’s a pretty big deal. Just because you have kids with someone, doesn’t mean you should stay for the kids. They will see you are unhappy, and not attracted to their dad. I think if she is over him, she needs to move on…find someone she can love and let go of the husband so he can be with someone who will fully love and appreciate him.
I see what he is saying. It’s so hard to give great advice and get the whole picture when your only going off an email. If she stays together and continues to be miserable what impact this would have on the children?
Women have increased risk of pregnancy complications once they get into their mid to late 30s so that doesn't seem like good advice if they want to start a family.
@@gatewaysolo104 no, 30 is a good time to start having kids have your 1st one at 30-31, have you 2nd one a year or two later. I think it’s best to use your 20’s to set u up for success and using your 20’s to set yourself up for success will give your child a better life. I’m currently 21 and hope to have a net worth of 200-300k by the time I hit 30 which is about when I want to get married and have kids. I know not everything is about money but waiting till 30 gives you so many advantages. In your 20’s u can focus on yourself.
She hasn’t been around the block enough. She is a human being. She is in need of something new. She is bored with the same ole monotonous life. She finds other people attractive and wonder what it would be like to be with, or try them out. Marriage has her feeling trapped. Guilt keeps her from doing what she wants to do. She loves her husband but doesn’t want to hurt him or the kids. She doesn’t want her kids to hate her. If she can go back to being single and free, she would probably like that.
But there's no going back. Those kids are here, they exist, she brought them into the world, they're her responsibility. Kids grow up and leave the next. She will have time later to do what she wants. But for right now, she has a job to complete
right. she probably feels like her unattractive husband trapped her by knocking her up. the longer she stays, the more resentment will build toward him and their kids. i kind of feel like it's better for them to go on a trial separation to take some of the pressure off the cooker.
I broke off my engagement bc I have poor communication skills. I grew up w/ an alcoholic parent and the other was a controlling parent. I have unresolved trauma and blamed my partner for being “narcissistic” “selfish” “abusive” and all these things. In reality he is just human. I feel like I don’t have the tools to be married, to communicate my needs, or function lovingly in a relationship.
Clicked this because my husband is struggling finding purpose in being a provider he feels more trapped and like a slave. He’s not embracing fatherhood really nor marriage. He seems to just want to come home and be left alone but my job never ends and I could really use the consideration
agreed. Just way too young nowadays. Folks need to really be more self-focused until their mid 20's or so before they even think about becoming parents. Sure, there are exceptions....but very very rarely these days. Get a good career/skillset, travel, focus on you and really know who YOU are at a core level before marriage and kids. Else you run into this same sort of situation down the road... I know the majority will advise this woman to stay, but do consider the fact that she likely feels that she never really got to live her life/enjoy things for herself earlier in life. Hence the current discontentment she feels. I know because i've been there myself!
Sadly most women do think this way. Which is kinda a disappointment...shouldn't we invest more into ourselves at a young age rather than jumping into marriage and family right out of high school? Had she waited a while (and lived, dated, etc), maybe there wouldn't be the discontentment.
I don’t agree with this advice. Sorry but if she’s this miserable she needs to leave. Her husband should be with someone who actually wants him. She’s only going to resent her husband and kids and make them miserable too. Sometimes it’s best to let go.
I had a cousin like this. She got married very young and missed the chance to be wild in her 20s. She went crazy in her late 30s drinking, smoking and sleeping around.
Wow yes. *i* had an angry mother who didn't wanna be married..and she took a lot (or most) frustrations out on me. Since around age 7. There was grief from the loss of her mother plus post partum depression as well. It was truly awful. She ruined the trust and bond of a mother daughter relationship over so many years..the bond csnt be rebuilt although I suspect she could take it all back for her own sake. At the time she thought she's only taking from me ..but she was also taking from herself when she treated her own daughter badly all those years
She's needs a life outside her family. So many parents make the mistake of making their whole world their kids. You need hobbies and friends too or you'll go insane.
She was way too young to get married and didn’t get an opportunity to live for herself. I got married at 36 and wish I waited a few more 🤣🤣 marriage is hard work! we don’t have kids though and don’t plan to so it makes it a little easier. We love kids but just not for us. Every couple is different.
good for you! sounds like you did it the ideal way (if marriage is an option). In hindsight, i'd never recommend marriage under the age of 30, 35 even better! There's just so much necessary growth and maturity needed for marriage, that most younger people simply don't have.
I married at 23 and did not feel it was too early. Met enough guys to see there is nothing to chase out there. Everything is inside my head. Having kids though, yep you are never ready
I got married at 18 and still married over 11 years. It's all a mental thing. Will you be spiritually mature or not? Some people have that young and some people have it older.
Why the need to paint her with a bad brush? We don’t know this woman. People get fed an unrealistic picture of what family life is like, through TV and social media we are lead to believe that everyone is happy all the time. And when the reality don’t meet that picture people get worried. Worried that the low is a permanent state or a sign of a defect that should never occur. Instead of hearing that it is a normal part of life and that life goes in waves. If you are lucky enough to have a partner willing to ride those waves with you through life there is intimacy and desire to be found again when the waves settle. Maybe this was exactly what she wanted to hear.
It happens! In my case, I had to marry someone my parents chose for me. I didn’t find him attractive at all, but I still went ahead bc I was supposed to. I’ve two kids with him. You ask how? Well I shut my eyes while we get intimate bc if I look I know I will get turned off. You never know what people go through and why they do the things they do.
She'll get wet over the first decent looking guy who smiles at her. Poor husband, does the right thing and has a wife who's never satisfied. At least she gives him credit for being a good guy. I paise her for recognizing that.
@@desireepatterson5977 Attraction can't be forced. Either the husband needs to put in the work and transform himself into someone she's attracted to (I wouldn't recommend it as no one should change for someone else), for example work out and build a celebrity body, increase his social status, etc. Or, the wife should get a divorce without alimony and find someone she's actually attracted to, and let the husband be with someone who actually loves him. Yes, children do much better in a two parent household than a single parent household. But, children do much better in a single parent household than in an environment where the parents can't stand being around each other.
I couldn't be with someone who wasn't attracted to me anymore, I wouldn't want to make someone have to force themselves to be with me. I thank god everyday that I'm incredibly handsome 😆🙏🏽
Yes they do... and it's much harder if you were young when you married. i won't sugar-coat it like many people will! It's tough. It's work. I don't recommend marriage unless you are 100% sure you know what you want out of life/ a partner. And have a relationship that started on a strong foundation. Otherwise, you're in for a bumpy road.
I see a lot of young couples here in Tempe. I went back to college as an old Gen X guy to work on a PhD. I feel very skeptical of their ability to withstand the challenges of parenthood if they rush into marriage. The cost of a new home in Phoenix easily exceeds half a million. The insurance, HOA fees, maintenance, down payment, etc. are too much for a young couple. The job market is really rough for recent college graduates. Plus, the pay is not matching up with inflation. Keep in mind the cost of raising a child hasn't even been factored in. Suppose the child is born a month premature and needs neonatal care in the pediatric ward. How much would that cost? How about complications in childbirth that require surgery? After childbirth, there are also many costs. So, the undergraduate couples seem to be setup to fail in today's economy. They should probably just keep it casual and wait a few years before taking that marital commitment. By contrast, in my youth of the 1990s, a recent college graduate could just work a couple of years and put money down on a new home in Phoenix with realism in matching the job salary and monthly budget. Such a person could get married and start a family by the mid 20s. It's not like that anymore if one wants to live in Phoenix. A new home in Scottsdale could easily exceed $700,000. I feel bad for these extremely young couples who have some naive view that they could get married shortly after graduation. The cost is just too much to start a salary these days. A lot of young men and women seem aware of that since marital rates have dropped in recent years. Many guys are just opting out of the dating market.
Not always! It is many times healthier to count your losses and begin a new! My ex and myself are both a million times better apart. Both remarried and happy! We were miserable together!!
My advice from someone who is not where he would like to be. “With my dreams that I pictured” You and your husband need to go out the two of you and have a night. This night will start with dinner then some entertainment. Then the conversation both of you lay it all out. Look for common ground. You may want some time to focus on you. He may want the same. It if you decide this is not what you want then. You have to stop thinking about you” you do what is right for your kids” so if that means you leave with nothing so they have something. You don’t use them to get what you want. Cause you have to go find what you want. You said this was not it. But I hope you get what you are looking for in your current life, what would that take?
Great advice I am currently going through a funk Lost a great woman Walked away from a decent job but high paying due to hrs Was let go of a temp contract before COVID-19 And after hearing this I guess I havent grieved properly as I am a shell of myself She broke me, nearly a year has passed and I'm here in idle
She obviously regrets her marriage and wants out but feels too "guilty" to leave! Run woman! Run and choose YOU! Please.... love yourself first and listen to what you need!
Stuck in an awful relationship. Wife sucks at raising our kids and they suck too because she hasn't prepared them for life. She doesn't work so its all on me to pay bills, so I unfortunately cant raise my kids. I just have to deal with the fact that they are being raised wrong and there's nothing I can do. Why do we do this to ourselves?
I mean, even when you work, you still participate in raising your kids when you get home at night, right? Or do you have to live out of state for your job and you never see them? I'm sorry you two are not on the same page as parents, can you try couple's counseling?
She married a guy she had no real attraction/ feelings for because it was someone to help pay the way and was safe , now she's stuck in a marriage she dispises and with that every day more and more resentment builds and she looks around and realized she's stuck in this for the next 40 -50 years
She need to grow up, she got a Good husband at home (who im sure works hard to provide)and says not attractive to him anymore, well then go find someone attractive and who later on abuses you and treats you like crud. Then you'll be happy...
Everyone's life and situation is different. They need to introspect to find themselves and decide what makes them happy or unhappy. People should do what they believe is right for them, they are the masters of their fates. If they fail, that may of been what they needed to re-direct themselves on the right path.
I threw my wonderful marriage away because I was dealing with the trauma of losing my mother. Take his advice, because man I regret my decision.
You can still go back can’t you?
Remarry?
Thanks for sharing. Hopefully you both will be happy again. I think this will be a wake up call to others.
As you know you should never do anything rash in the grieving process
I wonder how common this is. My mother lost her brother (he was only 20, she a couple of years older) and I recently learnt that my parents broke up almost a year mostly due to reasons that could be traced to that trauma. They got back together, now they have three grown children and are still together 30 years later.
Also had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend recently after his mother died suddenly in a traffic accident and they had been together multiple years and seemed happy before that. I guess death and trauma changes you, but I hope people can try to stay through rough patches even though it is painful because there is light on the end of the tunnel.
The grass is only greener on the side of the fence that you tend to and care for.
The grass is only greener over the septic system.
WT Keeton - what???😂🤣😂🤣😂
@@wtk6069 😂😂
@@aquilachefba-ados There used to be a columnist, Erma Bombeck, who wrote funny articles. One of her books was titled "The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank". Think about it,
@@marycarricaburu3683 - 🤣
She should get off of Facebook and Instagram and stop comparing herself to others. Everyone has struggles that we have to work with, most of us all have traumas and unresolved issues and sometimes its a constant pestering in your head, that need to change. Understand that everyone goes through that and try to work it out with your husband, if not for him, for sake of your kids. Too many broken homes are what is causing societies current meltdown.
You hit the nail on the head! Get off social media and get rid of your TV, they do nothing but brainwash you into thinking what the "picture perfect" life is.
Get debt free, help others, and appreciate what LITTLE you have instead of how much you DON'T have.
YEESSSSSSS!!!!!! that’s what I keep saying. GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA!
Including WhatsApp groups, the family ones also.
@@Kel_Rod They're the worst those whataapp family ones!
Yes!!
Grieve the lost of the orginal picture stay with the husband and work on you. Trust a husband like that is rare and your marriage will be better. EXPERIENCE!!!! BEEN MARRIED 14 YEARS went throught the same exact thing.
How do you grieve the loss of the original picture?
what helped you through this
I’m literally crying right now because I feel just like this woman.
lady's husband was a true man when he decided to stick around with the girl he knocks up in high school. that's true love and commitment. guys in high school will say anything to get laid and then ghost. but not this guy. and despite it all he mans up and is in it for the long haul.
lady just needs a drive in life outside family like a career or business. no need to break up the home. specially if the guy respects and loves the woman.
Off topic...Small world I remember seeing that IS 350 on drag times
@@markg999 A man of culture I see.
Nah bruh, no fault divorce. She can do whatever she WANTS 🤣👍🏻
Fairytales are ruining lives. This woman wants to go through her garden tool phase. Once she realizes that lifestyle is an illusion, she’ll probably try to return
A 15 day to 30 day cruise for mom to detach from the world. Might help her figure things out spa day every day some me time
About 30 years ago, I was morbidly unhappy because I was not married and no man (no “RIGHT” man) was showing any interest in me. I made a decision that I would stop being unhappy with my single status and surrender it to the Lord. I had come to the realization that if I was unhappy as a single woman, I would be unhappy as a married woman, because I would take the unhappiness into the marriage with me! That’s similar to what Dr. John is saying to this young woman. If she doesn’t deal with the grief, she’ll take it with her wherever she goes.
I am now 60 and still unmarried, but very content with my single life!
I think this is my future self writing to my present self lol. Thank you for sharing
We all have to learn to love ourselves before anyone else can love us
Contentment is key
Great advice feels, it resonates with me
This is great advice... so often we look for a solution outside of ourselves- when the answer really is to dig deep & do the work on ourselves...
Married at 19 now married 44 yrs, love is a choice not a feeling! I was blessed to have a couple who were married 60 yrs tell me how they made it “we never feel out of love at the same time”. That exciting feeling fades and if you need that you’re doomed to bounce from man to man.
EXACTLY
Love is a feeling. People have attempted to make themselves love people they don't love, but they can't do it. What you mean is that fulfilling marriages take work.
True. Your feelings will change. You will feel different when certain event happens to you. But the people you choose to put in your life is your decision.
@@proudatheist2042but where does the feeling come from? And what form of love are you talking about?
Decide to fall in love with him and make the life you want together. In ten years, he will be the best friend you’ve ever had and you will be thankful for his solid dependability. It’s worth making it work.
PS - get your essential vitamins, minerals, and Hormones checked. Having those at optimal levels will give you the best physiological chance at transforming your mental and emotional state. Dr D is spot on!!!
So well said!!
If you decide to fall in love, you're faking it. And if you're faking it, today or tomorrow, reality will hit you in the face. Love cannot be forced. If it isn't there, let it go.
So if you’re not happy, it shouldn’t be the other person’s fault! It’s common to be bored with the same partner nowadays! So Sad!
We should never force our beliefs onto other people. You know?
If she's smart, she will stay with her husband. Many men (and women) out there are horrible. She will most likely get her heart broken repeatedly. Being the mother of two young kids will put her at the bottom of the dating barrel. The few good men who are out there are probably going to stay away from a single mom. She has a husband who is devoted to her. Men like that are rare and she should count her blessings. She's chasing a dream that doesn't exist. She's nearly 30 and seriously needs to grow up.
So you're saying a woman who is miserable needs to grow up? Stay married to a man she isn't even attracted to?! Sounds like you need to grow up.
@Melissa Oestreich this is such BS. Single parents remarry all the time. Besides if the “men” won’t date her because of her kids then she doesn’t need to date them, not a good fit, not a loss.
with all respect, i feel like this is a lack-based mindset...there are still good people out there and not every divorced or single mom is damaged goods. It all depends on the type of person you are... Are you an asset or a liability to a man or woman? Have to consider what you bring to the table and what makes you a catch.
@@tanL22 it seems to me that she's playing a major role in her own misery. if she's admitted to saying that she's not attracted to him, she's probably actually said much worse to him. only reason i can think why someone says something that cruel to someone they supposedly love is if they're trying to force him to leave her so she isn't the bad one. she sounds abusive. given the details that she shared, the husband isn't the problem, she is. she definitely needs to grow up and re-adjust her expectations on marriage. Otherwise what is leaving him going to do, she's just going to place unrealistic expecations on the next guy.
Yea quality men aren’t becoming stepdads anymore. And why should a man step up if the bio father is present. Men don’t want a double dipper
Many times we think that the "grass will be greener on the other side", but in time we realize that the problem was the glass we were looking through. We need to find contentment within our lives and the blessings we have in them. Because we become desensitized to our own existence sometimes and it isn't until something terrible changes our perspective, that we realize what we had and how much we loved it. I bet if something happened to her child or her husband, her whole view of her world would change. I don't say this from a negative space, she's allowed to grieve and her feelings are valid. But a new perspective might challenge the permanency of those feelings in her life.
Thank u I personally needed to read this
The grass is greener where you water it
Thank you for this!!
Well said!!
John is my man! I’m so glad he joined the Ramsey network
I'm 21 && Married this is such a helpful & great Advice 💯
How’d it go?
I think it is awesome that she humbled herself and reached out for help.
She needs a career/hobby/something to focus on other than family and kids, if her entire life is nothing but cooking, cleaning and changing diapers it’s no wonder she’s depressed
Lol, definitely depends on the woman! I would add friends to that list because I do have a couple of true blue gf’s, but I LOVE being a stay at home parent with no career and just my kid and my house and my husband 🤷🏻♀️. The day I became a mother it was like ahhhhhh, I felt like I totally had my content, happy place. I would be miserable in a career type lifestyle. Never even consider it. Zero appeal.
@@aimeeglatt3299 You should marry a man who has same kind of morals and family goals like you. There are many men like that finding them is hard but when you find one you will be happy. people usally forget the fact that being with your loved ones is is the best thing in the world.
Career and money is only for survival of your family nothing more.
I will never marry a woman who gives priority to career and money over family and children.
I hope you will find a good man ❤️
@@-indrajith-111 uh…. Did you read her comment? The whole thing was about how happy she is with her husband and kids.
30 day cruise might help her figure things out
@@Honeycomblife who gon watch the kids😒?
I'm surprised he didn't mention anything about post partum depression. It could play a big part on no motivation and no desire. Sometimes something as simple as changing the contraceptive method she's using can help loads. Been there done that.
And getting some good sleep once in a while. Long term sleep deprivation contributes to low libido, anxiety, weight gain, and depression. Been there done that.
@@73cidalia Definitely, poor quality sleep or lack of it is so detrimental to the overall well being
Seems like maybe she married him because they had a child together and wanted to do the right thing, but longevity in relationships is unlikely when two do not share other deep binding values and interests
This woman is entering real adulthood, aging and realizing she's missed on all the fun. She's going through some serious life crisis. wish her good luck because she's going to need it.
Lol what fun. Is all a waste of time anyway
@@streetfearfactor90 living by yourself, hobbies, travel, freedom, independence, going out with friends, spontaneous activities/experiences, going to school, etc
Racking up body count and personality disorders
@@danielrierson6683I think if you think that’s what fun is, that’s days more about you than anyone else
@@cuttiecrazy11I sensed a great deal of sarcasm in their statement
"You go with you." So true!
And that's always the hardest part...
@@JoeGarofaloII Not so hard if you cultivate a relationship with yourself.
Great advice Dr D! The change truly does begin within ourselves.
You have great conversations with us. God Bless you Dr. D.
Relationships are incredibly hard and need constant work! Thank you for helping all of us be better spouses and people!!
I can relate to this message . We go through different stages of grief at different points in our lives . Especially when it doesn’t look like we thought it would look like.
I agree. I think we grief the stages in our life too. I grieved my 20s, now my 30s..so on. Just part of life.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 great counseling, John! ✌🏻❤️
It's also important to remember that you can't go back and get a do-over. I know so many women this age who picture the alternative to their life as the dating opportunities they had at 18 with no kids.
Exactly, if she bounces she will be a single mother of 2 kids. Guys may want to hit it, but not many men of value will want to marry that. I sure wouldn’t.
I hope she is not abusing that child go see a doctor and get help.
You’ve got to be happy with who you are and where you are in life. You can’t rely on people and achievements to make you happy.
Key word here is grieve. No matter what sort of logical case one makes staying, it's the deep emotions that have not been dealt with that will ultimately wreck havoc if not confronted.
This information is so important , this is changing my view on my own life. 😊
Great advice! People truly believe they are "miserable" because of the situation when really the problem is within themselves. No situation is going to fix you until you fix yourself. I struggled hard when I became a stay at home mom, got counseling and im glad I didn't give up.
You didn’t want to be a stay at home mom?
@@tylergable2445 who does? 😂 being a stay at home
Mom is super depressing. No time for yourself, not much to do besides the same daily activities on repeat 💀 sounds pretty bad to me.
@@v.g7279 imagine saying you have no time to yourself when you’re a stay at home mom 😂. Ok. Then go to work and let me know how much time to yourself you have haha
@@tylergable2445 LMAO yeah I have plenty of time and money for myself when I’m not at work 😭 oh and the me time and vacations with just bae and I?! SUPERB! ☺️
@@tylergable2445 she can go to work and after work she can go for a coffee with her colleagues while the man can look after the child/kids. So they can share income and household and child responsibility. She does not have to do everything. Men need to respect women staying at home with their kids 24 out of 24 /7. They just go go work and then relax or go out for a drink with colleagues and kids raise up by the literally the mother. He needs to take responsibility and look after his children.
Writer; please learn to love yourself. Find your self worth. Not through social media, not through your husband or kids. You need to find your self worth within yourself. Nobody can give it to you. It's external validation that we seek which will ruin us. Internal validation is key!
Wonderful insight Doc~ well said ❤️
Perfect advice.
As someone who went through post partum depression, she should talk to her OB Dr about how she is feeling. It can you feel like your suffocating in your life by the people who surround you. Its not just crying all day and feeling sad. I. Its weird and embarrassing to even say the words outloud, but its a dr visit that could save your life, marriage, and relationship with your kids.
She may have gotten married too young.A lot of times when this happens you are in a different place, or are not the same person at 27, as you were at 19.
Definitely the case. Who truly knows who they are/what they want in life at 18? I was too young also...so i can deeply relate to what she is going through. I wasn't 18, but in my early 20's and had no business getting married. Just very grateful we never wanted or had kids together.
Obviously she got married to young
Wow, this is so weird. I'm so used to seeing women complain about their cheating husband or an old boyfriend got her pregnant at 18. This man actually married her and stayed with her, she says her husband is a good person, but not attracted to him anymore. Trust me, there are alot of losers out there.
I highly recommend doing everything you can to put yourself first. Be more radical. I travel. Even if it’s a small trip, once I get out of my rut I always feel better. I go to Codependents anonymous and alanon which really helps me center. I suffer depression and it can really get me down if I don’t throw myself out of it. Literally into somewhere else. Also it’s ok to leave your marriage. It’s ok to stay. There is no right way. I left my marriage and so did my sisters. The problem may be with me, but it can compound with another person who is not trying to grow or change. I have a ton of problems. It’s not the other person. But I never regret leaving. I had to get myself back. Also it’s ok to take an extended break and try out a separation. Just don’t judge yourself. And there are ways to bring the life back to a marriage. Having him be present with you and listen and truly see you. Because it’s so easy to get lost. Good luck.
I hope that she listened to him. I can't relate to her situation but I can relate to being in the daughter's shoes. If she continues there is a risk that the daughter will grow up resenting her and not wanting to be married or have kids because she associates it with being miserable. Kids are resilient but it's not just about her and her husband.
I am sad nobody is saying nothing about how she treats her 10 year old I think that is dreathfull, it is not the little girls fault, of her bad decisions, and best advice for this lady is go back to school.
"The grass is always greener where the dogs are shitting" -Chris Cornell
We are rooting for you!
Your advice reminds me of a Carly Simon song, The Stuff that Dreams are Made Of. One of the lyrics is "Take a new picture". It's a great song and is written exactly about this type of situation.
And as someone who has started over near a dozen times now hoping for something different, Delony is right. You take you with you. At some point, you gotta stop and make a stand.
Oof that email was hard to hear. So much pain and sadness in it
As an almost 37 year old woman who began adulthood in the exact same way, pregnant at 18 and married at 18, I'd like to say that girl needs to work on herself big time. When you begin adulthood as a mother/wife, it's what you become sometimes forever. But being a wife and mother doesn't have to be it and nothing else... Life is full of you make it that way. You are your best motivation.
If a woman isn’t attracted to her husband anymore…that’s a pretty big deal. Just because you have kids with someone, doesn’t mean you should stay for the kids. They will see you are unhappy, and not attracted to their dad. I think if she is over him, she needs to move on…find someone she can love and let go of the husband so he can be with someone who will fully love and appreciate him.
Nobody looks attractive when you gotta live with them and see them everyday lol
I see what he is saying. It’s so hard to give great advice and get the whole picture when your only going off an email. If she stays together and continues to be miserable what impact this would have on the children?
I Remember my marriage/family planning instructor from college used to always advice us to marry, have kids and do everything after 30.
i so agree with that advice!
Women have increased risk of pregnancy complications once they get into their mid to late 30s so that doesn't seem like good advice if they want to start a family.
@@gatewaysolo104 I agree, it contradicts with women's biology
I’ve said the same thing for as long as I can remember
@@gatewaysolo104 no, 30 is a good time to start having kids have your 1st one at 30-31, have you 2nd one a year or two later. I think it’s best to use your 20’s to set u up for success and using your 20’s to set yourself up for success will give your child a better life. I’m currently 21 and hope to have a net worth of 200-300k by the time I hit 30 which is about when I want to get married and have kids. I know not everything is about money but waiting till 30 gives you so many advantages. In your 20’s u can focus on yourself.
She hasn’t been around the block enough. She is a human being. She is in need of something new. She is bored with the same ole monotonous life. She finds other people attractive and wonder what it would be like to be with, or try them out. Marriage has her feeling trapped. Guilt keeps her from doing what she wants to do. She loves her husband but doesn’t want to hurt him or the kids. She doesn’t want her kids to hate her. If she can go back to being single and free, she would probably like that.
But there's no going back. Those kids are here, they exist, she brought them into the world, they're her responsibility.
Kids grow up and leave the next. She will have time later to do what she wants. But for right now, she has a job to complete
right. she probably feels like her unattractive husband trapped her by knocking her up. the longer she stays, the more resentment will build toward him and their kids. i kind of feel like it's better for them to go on a trial separation to take some of the pressure off the cooker.
I broke off my engagement bc I have poor communication skills. I grew up w/ an alcoholic parent and the other was a controlling parent. I have unresolved trauma and blamed my partner for being “narcissistic” “selfish” “abusive” and all these things. In reality he is just human.
I feel like I don’t have the tools to be married, to communicate my needs, or function lovingly in a relationship.
27 is still very young. There’s still so much time and opportunity to build a great life with one’s family.
She needs professional counseling, don't dump all that stuff on your friends.
Clicked this because my husband is struggling finding purpose in being a provider he feels more trapped and like a slave. He’s not embracing fatherhood really nor marriage. He seems to just want to come home and be left alone but my job never ends and I could really use the consideration
Please
Get help before making bad. Decisions
I will pray for ....
I understand n can relate....
God bless you n your family
Watching some of your old videos, Dr. D. It's awesome to see how far you've come in just a few months with your channel!
Most people at 18 do not knows what they want to be or do with their life.
Get a child at 18 is the stupid decisions you make in your life.
agreed. Just way too young nowadays. Folks need to really be more self-focused until their mid 20's or so before they even think about becoming parents. Sure, there are exceptions....but very very rarely these days. Get a good career/skillset, travel, focus on you and really know who YOU are at a core level before marriage and kids. Else you run into this same sort of situation down the road...
I know the majority will advise this woman to stay, but do consider the fact that she likely feels that she never really got to live her life/enjoy things for herself earlier in life. Hence the current discontentment she feels. I know because i've been there myself!
Did you assume a marriage and 2 kids was a key to happiness?
Sadly most women do think this way. Which is kinda a disappointment...shouldn't we invest more into ourselves at a young age rather than jumping into marriage and family right out of high school? Had she waited a while (and lived, dated, etc), maybe there wouldn't be the discontentment.
I don’t agree with this advice. Sorry but if she’s this miserable she needs to leave. Her husband should be with someone who actually wants him. She’s only going to resent her husband and kids and make them miserable too. Sometimes it’s best to let go.
I had a cousin like this. She got married very young and missed the chance to be wild in her 20s. She went crazy in her late 30s drinking, smoking and sleeping around.
She probably regrets it. Did she ever find her dream man?
@@danielrierson6683 No, unfortunately she did date some guy but was killed when he got in a drunk driving crash. He was the drunk driver.
Wow... Now that was some absolutely fantastic advice and counsel! Thank you for your insights keep up the good work!
Wow yes. *i* had an angry mother who didn't wanna be married..and she took a lot (or most) frustrations out on me. Since around age 7.
There was grief from the loss of her mother plus post partum depression as well.
It was truly awful. She ruined the trust and bond of a mother daughter relationship over so many years..the bond csnt be rebuilt although I suspect she could take it all back for her own sake. At the time she thought she's only taking from me ..but she was also taking from herself when she treated her own daughter badly all those years
She's needs a life outside her family. So many parents make the mistake of making their whole world their kids. You need hobbies and friends too or you'll go insane.
This is life changing for so many people. You are brilliant and Dave is brilliant for getting you on board in the pandemic. Such a wonderful addition.
Key word: pandemic this is what is causing people to feel stress, emotionally drained, worried, and want to escape
The caller is actually off to a good start in life. Love can grow. Make the decision to appreciate your husband.
She was way too young to get married and didn’t get an opportunity to live for herself. I got married at 36 and wish I waited a few more 🤣🤣 marriage is hard work! we don’t have kids though and don’t plan to so it makes it a little easier. We love kids but just not for us. Every couple is different.
good for you! sounds like you did it the ideal way (if marriage is an option). In hindsight, i'd never recommend marriage under the age of 30, 35 even better! There's just so much necessary growth and maturity needed for marriage, that most younger people simply don't have.
I married at 23 and did not feel it was too early. Met enough guys to see there is nothing to chase out there. Everything is inside my head. Having kids though, yep you are never ready
I got married at 18 and still married over 11 years. It's all a mental thing. Will you be spiritually mature or not? Some people have that young and some people have it older.
99%... she didn't want that advice... she wanted his permission to divorce, abandoning her husband and the kids.
Why the need to paint her with a bad brush? We don’t know this woman. People get fed an unrealistic picture of what family life is like, through TV and social media we are lead to believe that everyone is happy all the time. And when the reality don’t meet that picture people get worried. Worried that the low is a permanent state or a sign of a defect that should never occur. Instead of hearing that it is a normal part of life and that life goes in waves. If you are lucky enough to have a partner willing to ride those waves with you through life there is intimacy and desire to be found again when the waves settle. Maybe this was exactly what she wanted to hear.
Not attracted to him... yet made 2 babies and got married... what could possibly go wrong?
It happens! In my case, I had to marry someone my parents chose for me. I didn’t find him attractive at all, but I still went ahead bc I was supposed to. I’ve two kids with him. You ask how? Well I shut my eyes while we get intimate bc if I look I know I will get turned off. You never know what people go through and why they do the things they do.
Dr. Delony,
Have you written any books? Do you recommend any books that you found profound and impactiful?
She's going cheat when the opportunity comes.
I'll take "Already has and is feeling guilty" for 500 Alex.
She'll get wet over the first decent looking guy who smiles at her.
Poor husband, does the right thing and has a wife who's never satisfied. At least she gives him credit for being a good guy. I paise her for recognizing that.
Maybe she'll take John's advice and strengthen up rather than spread her them up to the next Joker.
And she will blame him for it
If she’s not happy then leave. Why stay if he doesn’t make you happy? Her husband deserves to be with someone who will truly love and appreciate him!
She will be destroying her kids lives with her selfish desires. She needs to work on her marriage.
@@desireepatterson5977 Attraction can't be forced. Either the husband needs to put in the work and transform himself into someone she's attracted to (I wouldn't recommend it as no one should change for someone else), for example work out and build a celebrity body, increase his social status, etc. Or, the wife should get a divorce without alimony and find someone she's actually attracted to, and let the husband be with someone who actually loves him.
Yes, children do much better in a two parent household than a single parent household. But, children do much better in a single parent household than in an environment where the parents can't stand being around each other.
Glad to have been focusing on self improvement in my 20's and not chasing women, body strong, mind strong, finances strong.
Great advice D.D !
I couldn't be with someone who wasn't attracted to me anymore, I wouldn't want to make someone have to force themselves to be with me. I thank god everyday that I'm incredibly handsome 😆🙏🏽
Should've went with Commander Riker for your name instead.
🤣🤣
I don't want to get married because of stuff like this, people change...
exactly! I wish I never got married, because after 7 years he just changed and decided to leave... I don't ever want to make the same mistake again
Yes they do... and it's much harder if you were young when you married. i won't sugar-coat it like many people will! It's tough. It's work. I don't recommend marriage unless you are 100% sure you know what you want out of life/ a partner. And have a relationship that started on a strong foundation. Otherwise, you're in for a bumpy road.
Exactly, just have relationships without marriage. That way if things go south you can bounce without having to hire lawyers.
I see a lot of young couples here in Tempe. I went back to college as an old Gen X guy to work on a PhD. I feel very skeptical of their ability to withstand the challenges of parenthood if they rush into marriage. The cost of a new home in Phoenix easily exceeds half a million. The insurance, HOA fees, maintenance, down payment, etc. are too much for a young couple. The job market is really rough for recent college graduates. Plus, the pay is not matching up with inflation. Keep in mind the cost of raising a child hasn't even been factored in. Suppose the child is born a month premature and needs neonatal care in the pediatric ward. How much would that cost? How about complications in childbirth that require surgery? After childbirth, there are also many costs. So, the undergraduate couples seem to be setup to fail in today's economy. They should probably just keep it casual and wait a few years before taking that marital commitment.
By contrast, in my youth of the 1990s, a recent college graduate could just work a couple of years and put money down on a new home in Phoenix with realism in matching the job salary and monthly budget. Such a person could get married and start a family by the mid 20s. It's not like that anymore if one wants to live in Phoenix. A new home in Scottsdale could easily exceed $700,000.
I feel bad for these extremely young couples who have some naive view that they could get married shortly after graduation. The cost is just too much to start a salary these days. A lot of young men and women seem aware of that since marital rates have dropped in recent years. Many guys are just opting out of the dating market.
Woman....yesterday they love you, today they are not Happy, tomorrow they are with another men.time are changing
Or Woman. Oh My!
Pfft. Men have always been that way, it's taken a long time for women to catch up
“You need a new chef”.. love that lol.
I’m 41 and single, never been married. I just watch videos like this to keep me single bahahahahaha 😂
Men always say they can put up with a unhappy marriage. Makes no sense
Marriage is for life. Work through it.
Not always! It is many times healthier to count your losses and begin a new! My ex and myself are both a million times better apart. Both remarried and happy! We were miserable together!!
Love your content and team!
Thank you.
This is awesome! Thank you.
My advice from someone who is not where he would like to be. “With my dreams that I pictured”
You and your husband need to go out the two of you and have a night. This night will start with dinner then some entertainment. Then the conversation both of you lay it all out. Look for common ground. You may want some time to focus on you. He may want the same. It if you decide this is not what you want then. You have to stop thinking about you” you do what is right for your kids” so if that means you leave with nothing so they have something. You don’t use them to get what you want. Cause you have to go find what you want. You said this was not it. But I hope you get what you are looking for in your current life, what would that take?
Amazing thanks for providing this content
Great advice I am currently going through a funk
Lost a great woman
Walked away from a decent job but high paying due to hrs
Was let go of a temp contract before COVID-19
And after hearing this I guess I havent grieved properly as I am a shell of myself
She broke me, nearly a year has passed and I'm here in idle
Hang in there! Life sure dishes it out sometimes.
Thank you for this!
This is a situation that isn't addressed in 128 characters online.
She obviously regrets her marriage and wants out but feels too "guilty" to leave! Run woman! Run and choose YOU! Please.... love yourself first and listen to what you need!
I get it! His advice is excellent but I truly understand where she's coming from.
I just lost my job and I am a single father with two kids...life sucks
Praying that you will find work.
Everything happens for a reason. I believe something better is coming your way.
Hang in there, I think alot in your same shoes right now.
I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy
Thx needed to hear that 👍
I would like to listen to the whole story. Who, what, where, when, why... yes im nosy.
Fantastic advice
Stuck in an awful relationship. Wife sucks at raising our kids and they suck too because she hasn't prepared them for life. She doesn't work so its all on me to pay bills, so I unfortunately cant raise my kids. I just have to deal with the fact that they are being raised wrong and there's nothing I can do.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
I mean, even when you work, you still participate in raising your kids when you get home at night, right? Or do you have to live out of state for your job and you never see them? I'm sorry you two are not on the same page as parents, can you try couple's counseling?
Luv John Delony!
She married a guy she had no real attraction/ feelings for because it was someone to help pay the way and was safe , now she's stuck in a marriage she dispises and with that every day more and more resentment builds and she looks around and realized she's stuck in this for the next 40 -50 years
She got married because she was pregnant! It had nothing to do with marrying for money.
not stuck for 50 years, get the kids through high school and then she can do what she has to do
@@Jukeboxster Whatever, for the next 25 yrs. There are people that do less time then that for murder.
What about God being the center of the marriage? Didn’t hear anything about that?
She need to grow up, she got a Good husband at home (who im sure works hard to provide)and says not attractive to him anymore, well then go find someone attractive and who later on abuses you and treats you like crud. Then you'll be happy...
You seem to be personally attacked by this caller in some way...
She's the kind of woman who will abandon her family. Divorce won't be enough for her
Good advice and God bless you
Everyone's life and situation is different. They need to introspect to find themselves and decide what makes them happy or unhappy. People should do what they believe is right for them, they are the masters of their fates. If they fail, that may of been what they needed to re-direct themselves on the right path.
Welcome to your life!!