@robinharrison4902 now THIS is the whole mind job of the situation. Avoidance is horrible to experience as the partner of the avoidant and as the avoidant. It's so very confusing to be triggered by love. It's like being allergic to your favorite food. Or after being thirsty in the desert, coming to a river of water and being too afraid to step in and drown. Have you ever had a negative reaction to something you absolutely love?
@@theloveandthriveschool wow! This answer is mindblowing and so precise. I've been there...I know the panic and the fear of craving and loosing / being rejected from love and connection. I've been there and now I see from outside how it looks. Painful, crazy. Your reply is absolutly brilliant and explain with such a clear mind the cravin+the panic. It helps a LOT to empatizy and get out of any judgement. THANK YOU
You are so right! We can get caught up in our own world and see the world through lenses tainted with past experience. Healing attachment wounding is cleaning those glasses. Thanks for your words of encouragement beautiful Liz.
@Catdogpaper their work is described in the follow up video. I'll leave a link here. It's absolutely 💯% both partners responsibility to heal their own attachment. ruclips.net/video/sPXqJ9ErPbc/видео.htmlsi=c0yw3SnoX-Mj1SeF
Yeah, I basically did your "let's work as a team" script for years. The answer is always no because the DA sees it as a risk that he might not get to get his way 100% of the time.
@whitleyrichmond4936 that sounds like the DA is not ready for a relationship and you'd have to sacrifice all your needs to be there. Doesn't sound healthy. There are different kinds of avoidants. The ones that want to have a relationship and are willing to do work and those that are so far into their avoidance and not willing to admit they need change but instead blame everyone else. What did you do?
What if finally, for the first time, with an emotional voice, he said "you never asked me to spend the night..." so I said "of course, I'd love you to spend the night!!!" then he said "no, I am busy tomorrow morning, I have to go home now" and the next day he sent me a text "come to my place, let's have dinner and spend the night at my place" and then he immediately sent another text saying sorry the first message was for his....daughter, not for me. Then he called me the next day and broke up with me. Why? We're not teenager, we're adults in our 40s. Why? Am I the avoidant here? Is he the FA? Am I crazy or is he?
I can imagine how confused you are. It sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. This does sound like he is activating and craving connection and then immediately deactivating and having difficult thoughts around the connection. Either way, this leaves you in a very difficult place. Communicating about this might help. However healing sounds necessary. Let me know what you decide. xx
@@theloveandthriveschool THANK YOU, for such a deep empathy, you are full of knowledge and definitely healed. Your channel help so much. I think you are so right, he felt a deep connection and vulnerability for the first time and deactivated right away. I'm blocked everywhere since a couple of months. Now I need to go and work on my own healing (used to be FA) through other relationships (friends, family, another man). THANK YOU
@fatatabata I'm so sorry for all the heart break. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for your own healing. THIS is powerful. Is there a topic you would like me to cover?
@@theloveandthriveschool Yes, there's a very "risky" topic I'd love you to cover. It's: how to handle the re-connection (communication) with a DA/FA after a deeactivation/separation. It's not my case, unfortunately, since I am blocked, he put a wall and theres' nothing I can do but respect his journey and respect my healing journey. But it would be very healing to know how to regain connection/communication and mutual trust after a separation. I'd love you to cover that for severe DA, mild DA and almost healed DA. I suspect there's a huge difference. The pace, the depth, the topics to talk about, how not to overwelm him and still how to create connection. I know it's a lot... THANK YOU
So the avoidant husband made you think you would have a loving relationship for life...then he ignores you and lies to you and you are SUPPOSED to be lonely and miserable for the next 40 years. If you ask for connection YOU are the problem? Then you are suposed to appreciate the 40 years of isolation and lies? I didnt get married because I wanted to spend my life alone!!!
perhaps the approach around 19:59 in the video can help? Owning your needs as YOURS and communicating them very clearly in a non-accusatory way? But agree that if your partner is unwilling to work with you, that's a difficult situation that could be hard to resolve. Good luck!
This sounds like a very painful relationship. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Like @MilesIncognito pointed out, your needs are important and need to be spoken about in a way that your partner can hear them. If the partner is unwilling to make any changes then you have to decide if this is healthy for you. It's never too late to start again. I hope you find healing whether you chose to stay or leave.
The true question here is:
How can theyvlove someone but do not like tye idea of being with a person they love
@robinharrison4902 now THIS is the whole mind job of the situation. Avoidance is horrible to experience as the partner of the avoidant and as the avoidant. It's so very confusing to be triggered by love. It's like being allergic to your favorite food. Or after being thirsty in the desert, coming to a river of water and being too afraid to step in and drown. Have you ever had a negative reaction to something you absolutely love?
@@theloveandthriveschool wow! This answer is mindblowing and so precise. I've been there...I know the panic and the fear of craving and loosing / being rejected from love and connection. I've been there and now I see from outside how it looks. Painful, crazy.
Your reply is absolutly brilliant and explain with such a clear mind the cravin+the panic. It helps a LOT to empatizy and get out of any judgement.
THANK YOU
Perspective is everything!!! Understanding each of our attachment styles. GREAT JOB!!!!! Big Love!!!
You are so right! We can get caught up in our own world and see the world through lenses tainted with past experience. Healing attachment wounding is cleaning those glasses. Thanks for your words of encouragement beautiful Liz.
Yeah and why it’s only anxious attachment job to work on the sleeves AND on another person. Those Avoidants need to grow up and work on themselves.
Themselves*
@Catdogpaper their work is described in the follow up video. I'll leave a link here. It's absolutely 💯% both partners responsibility to heal their own attachment. ruclips.net/video/sPXqJ9ErPbc/видео.htmlsi=c0yw3SnoX-Mj1SeF
Very good explanation ❤
@@verarobinson6759 we're glad you liked it. Thanks for watching 🩷
Yeah, I basically did your "let's work as a team" script for years. The answer is always no because the DA sees it as a risk that he might not get to get his way 100% of the time.
@whitleyrichmond4936 that sounds like the DA is not ready for a relationship and you'd have to sacrifice all your needs to be there. Doesn't sound healthy. There are different kinds of avoidants. The ones that want to have a relationship and are willing to do work and those that are so far into their avoidance and not willing to admit they need change but instead blame everyone else. What did you do?
What if finally, for the first time, with an emotional voice, he said "you never asked me to spend the night..." so I said "of course, I'd love you to spend the night!!!" then he said "no, I am busy tomorrow morning, I have to go home now" and the next day he sent me a text "come to my place, let's have dinner and spend the night at my place" and then he immediately sent another text saying sorry the first message was for his....daughter, not for me. Then he called me the next day and broke up with me. Why? We're not teenager, we're adults in our 40s. Why?
Am I the avoidant here? Is he the FA? Am I crazy or is he?
I don’t have the answers to your questions but all I know is this guy is a waste of your time and I hope you leave him because u deserve better
I can imagine how confused you are. It sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. This does sound like he is activating and craving connection and then immediately deactivating and having difficult thoughts around the connection. Either way, this leaves you in a very difficult place. Communicating about this might help. However healing sounds necessary. Let me know what you decide. xx
@@theloveandthriveschool THANK YOU, for such a deep empathy, you are full of knowledge and definitely healed. Your channel help so much.
I think you are so right, he felt a deep connection and vulnerability for the first time and deactivated right away. I'm blocked everywhere since a couple of months.
Now I need to go and work on my own healing (used to be FA) through other relationships (friends, family, another man).
THANK YOU
@fatatabata I'm so sorry for all the heart break. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for your own healing. THIS is powerful. Is there a topic you would like me to cover?
@@theloveandthriveschool Yes, there's a very "risky" topic I'd love you to cover. It's: how to handle the re-connection (communication) with a DA/FA after a deeactivation/separation. It's not my case, unfortunately, since I am blocked, he put a wall and theres' nothing I can do but respect his journey and respect my healing journey.
But it would be very healing to know how to regain connection/communication and mutual trust after a separation. I'd love you to cover that for severe DA, mild DA and almost healed DA. I suspect there's a huge difference.
The pace, the depth, the topics to talk about, how not to overwelm him and still how to create connection.
I know it's a lot...
THANK YOU
So the avoidant husband made you think you would have a loving relationship for life...then he ignores you and lies to you and you are SUPPOSED to be lonely and miserable for the next 40 years. If you ask for connection YOU are the problem? Then you are suposed to appreciate the 40 years of isolation and lies? I didnt get married because I wanted to spend my life alone!!!
perhaps the approach around 19:59 in the video can help? Owning your needs as YOURS and communicating them very clearly in a non-accusatory way?
But agree that if your partner is unwilling to work with you, that's a difficult situation that could be hard to resolve. Good luck!
This sounds like a very painful relationship. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Like @MilesIncognito pointed out, your needs are important and need to be spoken about in a way that your partner can hear them. If the partner is unwilling to make any changes then you have to decide if this is healthy for you. It's never too late to start again. I hope you find healing whether you chose to stay or leave.
Great pointer, thank you.