A 4-Step Process for Natural Consequences
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- Опубликовано: 8 фев 2022
- Moms often tell me that they struggle with coming up with good natural consequences for Charlotte Mason habit training. Here are four steps to help you come up with effective consequences.
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That mum really deserves a Nobel prize!!!!!😂Just discovered this channel even if not doing homeschooling. Great and useful video!!!
Welcome to our channel and thank you for your kind feedback!
My little one loves cleaning... they make a mess to clean up because the cleaning up is the fun part (i don't know where they got that from. It's necessary snd I'm as positive as I can be about it but I never expected them to love it). ❤❤
Recently they went through a stage of not wanting things clean and would throw everything they could around to make a huge mess AND to try to damage things and then not want to help clean up. After about a week of consistently applying the consequence of "I'll play with you when we have cleaned this up, it will be faster if you help", or "we will go outside when this is picked up and put back on the shelf, if you help it will be faster" that random burst of behaviour has seemed to pass, and now that we have the "first we pick up, then we can go outside/play together" in place I am hoping it sticks and we can avoid re-assessing that boundary again.
Always always learning and problem solving as a Mumma, and (as mean as it seems) figuring out what they want (to go outside etc) and how that can tie into addressing an unacceptable behaviour. Keeps me using my brain and critically thinking at least which is always good
Thank you for sharing your experience! This is a great example of how sometimes children will shift in their actions and behavior from what you were expecting, but with your consistency and identification of natural consequences that motivate them, you were able to get everything back on track! Thank you for your encouraging story!
This is really useful bc i almost crashed the vehicle when my older child started having a loud fit
Consequences have always been the absolute hardest thing to come up with as a parent. This is the first time I’ve been given a clear and concise and EASY way to come up
with consequences!!! Thank you so so much!!
Wow! I love that mom with the grocery store kid. If only I could be so clever. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Sonia. This episode was very timely and practical for many young moms who struggle in this area. I’ve shared it with both my married daughters. Blessings on your work here 🥰
I like this video so much. I have thought about getting my children who aren’t careful with things to pay with their own money to replace the things they break especially if it’s someone else’s item that they had no permission to play or use and my spouse thought it was mean of me. But it is too frequent with some children and feeling like I have to replace my other child’s broken things felt like they would never understand consequences until it is too late. 🙏🏽 praying for more wisdom
Thanks for joining us and sharing your thoughts and experiences! Absolutely seek the Lord and He will guide you in this! It will ultimately be your decision as parents, but as you point out a natural consequence is needed if it is something where they have developed a habit of carelessness with others' property and are expectant that it will just be replaced by someone else or "doesn't matter" so that they learn to be respectful and careful in an age-appropriate way!
This came at such a great time. I had all these pieces. I just couldn't put them together in logical order. Thank you.
This is EXCELLENT!!! I really enjoyed the real life examples, I would love to hear more examples of this.
Thank you for sharing your feedback!
Thank you for the sound, wise advice, Sonia. God bless you!
Wonderful podcast. Thank you
I love this channel.
Loved this!
So helpful! Thank you!!
Love this! It is very encouraging to hear that I am on the right track although I definitely need a lot more practice.
So glad you found this episode reassuring and helpful!
Brilliant, needed this.
You are welcome!
Oh, how i LOVE this
Thank you!
very helpful! thank you! :)
This is great. Thank you so much. What should I do when my child won't choose either option and digs his heels in? How do I handle a stalemate?
Hi Ashley, having consequences already laid out (see step 3) is important, as is follow through. If a child decides not to choose either option (say in the case of taking the garbage out...today or in the morning...then you will need to be ready with consequences for the child.
What should you do if the child does not follow either option that you give them?
Great question! As you point out, we can not make a child do something when we give them a choice, that would not be respecting them as a person which is part of what we are trying to do when giving the choice. This page has a link to a free download that has some great tips on how to think through the choices we give the child.
simplycharlottemason.com/events-speaking/using-consequences-effectively/
Consequences are not meant to be punishment, they are meant to help the child learn to make good choices and develop the habits that we are trying to instill in them. If you find your child refuses to make a choice when given choices, perhaps choosing a different approach from the handout you can find at the link above will work better for them. Consequences are not meant to give them an out from participating in the task and you as the parent in authority will ultimately have to decide how you respond to disobedience in your home if that is what you find you come up against. They are not being given an option of completing the task or not, it is how they complete it, when, etc.
Another helpful blog post to review would be the one on "Authority and Obedience."
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/authority-and-obedience-core-values-of-charlotte-mason/
Hi Sonya, again this is very helpful! Thank you! Would you be able to share those books you have mentioned please?
Hi, Here is a link to Charlotte Mason's original volumes, which are referenced throughout this video.
simplycharlottemason.com/store/the-original-home-schooling-series-study-edition/
What does a mom do with a teenager who stays on their phone til early in the morning and then falls asleep. But he's so sleepy he doesn't get up when his alarm rings. And I end up nagging him to get up so he doesn't miss the bus. He still doesn't get up, misses the bus, and then I have to take him to school, which makes me rush to get to my job....🙄
Hi, Great question and a scenario that I am sure many in our community here can relate to! It would be helpful to think through these steps:
(1) the core issue/life principle:
(2) determine the best negotiable-usually the Who, When, Where, or How:
(3) brainstorm options in that negotiable area
(4) decide how you’re going to word it.
In your example, there does not seem to be a consequence for your child for his choices, however there is a consequence and an inconvenience to you, so he is not motivated to change his behavior, everything is working for him!
A natural life consequence for staying up too late is that he will miss the bus and not be in school. You are stepping in and bringing him to school, now as the parent we have to decide if the natural consequence is appropriate and would be effective or if it would bring undue harm and we need to think of a related educative consequence. A potential related consequence here could be if he chooses to stay up too late on his phone and misses the bus and you have to bring him to school, then he needs to come up with a way to pay you for your time similar to the example in the post about the child who had to be removed from the grocery store. He is expected to take the bus, that is his ride to school, but he is making a choice to miss this ride and requiring you to go out of your way to get him to school. You could also consider removing the phone from his room as a consequence the next day and then he could earn it back by waking up on time the next day. You will have to decide what you think would be the most effective tool to help your child learn from the lesson. At the same time, it would be of benefit during a moment of calm to come alongside him and let him know that you notice it is a struggle for him to get to bed on time when he is on his phone at night and brainstorm some ways that you might help him so that he learns to have the will power to do what he needs to do even when he doesn't feel like it. This is a skill that will serve him so well as an adult once he is out of the house.
If he has access to his phone in his room all night, he has to have the will power and self-control to be able to set it aside at a given time so that he is able to get enough sleep, which is not happening. Some of us even as adults can relate to this struggle, we stay up too late doing what we want to do instead of what we should do and the next day is a struggle for us. We have consequences for those actions (e.g. we will be in trouble if we are late for work, we miss an appointment, etc.). Experiencing the consequences of our choices can be a powerful motivator for changing our behavior. There are other ways to motivate ourselves, this is not the only way. Let your son know that you are there to help him, you are willing to come alongside him and help him learn this new habit so that he can succeed. This post on will power may be of help to you in proactively teaching him a valuable skill.
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/i-am-i-can-i-ought-i-wish-i-did/
What about taking his phone and give him a phone with only text and call??
How did he choose to pay her? What were those options? I am imagining an obstinate child that demands he won't pay! Or worse the child that physically refuses to leave with the friend. How are those situations mediated?
The answers to those questions would depend largely upon the child and his/her family culture and the situation. That particular story is only an example of how one mom came up with an effective consequence for her unique child. It is not a one-size-fits-all consequence that will work for every child. You would need to walk through the steps taking into account your own child's age, abilities, background, tendencies, and unique personhood as discussed at the beginning of the video.
I feel the need to share and ask for guidance for one more situation:
Lately my 6yo daughter is having some difficulties in leaving places (together with the fact of being obsessed with flowers) and so she picks up as many as possible flowers, stones, sticks, leaves from that place we are leaving and she has her hands crazyly full. Beside the fact that our car and house gets full of this "souvenirs". And beside the fact that she always wants to show something to me and dad before we leave the place. And is never enough. She wants to show one more thing. And "just one more please". Sometimes in a kind of ok mode, and other in a crazy-drama tantrum mode.
Shall I follow the steps of the Consequence or the Bad Habit?
What is the life principle behind? Or should I see my daughter's episode as a bad habit? Or both? 🙃
I would pretty much appreciate your brilliant guidance once more...
Much love from this mom in despair ❤
Hi, Please feel free to continue to reach out with any questions that you may have!
We can all relate as people to having a difficult time stopping an enjoyable activity. As adults we can anticipate the end of the fun activity, however children may benefit from a "heads up" before the activity ends. You mention that your daughter is six, this article is on preschoolers, however it has some great advice for how to set up boundaries for activities, establish routines, and use timers to help children anticipate the end of a preferred activity.
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/your-questions-answered-preschool-activities/
As far as collecting nature finds, you may want to either give her a guideline (e.g. we can bring home 2 rocks) and then use those rocks for some nature study or you can pick a bouquet of flowers and then give them to a friend, put them in a vase on the table, etc. Giving her some boundaries as well as a use for the objects may be helpful. Also respecting her as a person and engaging her in these activities of interest may be helpful as then she is able to explore nature in the way that she enjoys. Here are a few helpful posts on how to engage children in nature projects as well as
Nature Projects:
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/5-great-nature-projects/
Nature Study in a Nutshell:
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/nature-study-in-a-nutshell/
As far as begging for “just one more” and those situations, that is where you will want to explain to her the firm limits on the outing, utilize a timer or other strategies as needed and when it is time to go it is time to go. If she sees that pushing or begging for just one more thing to show you works and she does not have to leave, she will continue to do it. That is where respecting your authority and her obedience will come in to play. You may want to consider the use of a visual timer, a visual checklist (so that she sees how many items she can show you or dad, or something of that sort to support her, however when you reach that limit your consistency will be key. At that point if she chooses to disobey the instruction then your consequences will come to play. If she is consistently throwing fits when she does not get her way, we recommend you address this using the advice for “bad habits.” The life principle at play here is that she needs to learn to respect the authority of you both as her parents just as we as parents have respect and obedience for God’s authority over us, we are teaching her that we don’t as adults get to just do what we want when we want to. Here is a helpful post that outlines authority and obedience.
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/authority-and-obedience-core-values-of-charlotte-mason/
Wow, thank you so much for your reply!!! You guys are amazing... ❤
I'm sorry but I have been desperate with my daughter, I have another question...
She have been waking up in the middle of the night crying and screaming saying that she wants me to lay down right close to her in her bed, what sometimes is not possible cause she sleeps in the same bed with the 2 other siblings . So I propose to lay down in the area of the bed where there is space or invite her to come to mama and papa's bed. But she refuses. She wants me to sleep right next to her, where there is usually no space at all. And she cries and scream. I don't want to follow her desire, but she is screaming like crazy and is in the edge of waking up the siblings and the neighbours... And she already killed my sleep and I'm desperate to lay down and go back to sleep again... What to do? What is the life principle behind? What could be a consequence? Ex: next morning I wouldn't play with her because I am so sleepy?
I would appreciate some more of your precious guidance.... Thank you in advance 🙏
Hi, we are so glad that you have found our suggestions to be helpful! This may be worth examining with her pediatrician or someone who can evaluate your situation in person. Since she is already settled and then she is waking upset, this could be something that is beyond a "bad habit" and it sounds like in these moments she is upset to the point of not being able to accept reasonable options without becoming more upset. We know that disruptions in your sleep and in hers can be very disruptive to the family as a whole so we pray that you are able to find a solution that will help you work through this difficulty.
Can you address the rebuttal of “neither!”? 😂 Also, how can you force them to physically do something if they’re not willing? Especially when they get bigger! Lol I heard once that one of the two options should be in your control. I thought that was brilliant.
Hi, Excellent question! That is sound advice that you have received as it is absolutely true and children/teenagers/adults are quick to pick up on whether or not you are willing (or physically able) to make them follow through on what you have said will happen! Here is a link to the blogpost of this same episode as it can be very helpful to read through the steps of creating consequences and write out the "negotiables."
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habits-q-amp-a-consequences/
Another point to look at in the above post would be "Wording" perhaps for children where you know they will try to respond with something such as "no" or "neither" if given a choice question, word it as "You may join us for the movie after you take out the trash" perhaps it's in the wording where they're seizing the opportunity to refuse to complete the command and a change in wording will not have the same result.
If you continue to have push back, it may be worth looking at the authority in your house and working on clearly defining that, here is a helpful post:
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/authority-and-obedience-core-values-of-charlotte-mason/
@@SimplyCharlotteMason amazing response! thank you!
What about if the child do the opposite that we are asking them to do? Like "don't go back to the garbage to pick up the dry-old flowers" but then she goes? What could be a related consequence?
One very helpful principle to think of when you are habit training is that you move toward what you focus on. So yes, you will have to think of a related consequence for when they choose to disobey you, however you also want to phrase things in the positive and practice obedience with them with simple easy to follow directives as well. We can all (even as adults) relate to the fact that if we are thinking about what we really want to do but know we shouldn't be doing (something even as simple as not eating that last piece of cake when we are trying to follow a diet), that takes a lot of will power and her will may not be strong enough yet to follow those directions. One related consequence would be that you cannot trust her to obey your directions so she will have to sit next to you, hold your hand, etc. while you are outside the next time (if this is an outside trash can). If it is inside, same principle you cannot trust her to obey your word, so she will have to remain with you during her free time (because you cannot trust that she will not just go back to do whatever you have instructed her not to do). Here are a few helpful posts.
5 Ways to Work on the Habit of Obedience
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/5-ways-to-work-on-the-habit-of-obedience/
You Move Toward What You Focus On
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/move-toward-focus/
Wow, thank you so much!!! You guys are amazing... ❤
I'm sorry but I have been desperate with my daughter, I have another question...
She have been waking up in the middle of the night crying and she wants me to lay down right close to her in her bed, what sometimes is not possible cause she sleeps in the same bed with the 2 other siblings . So I propose to lay down in the area of the bed where there is space or invite her to come to mama and papa's bed. But she refuses. She wants me to sleep right next to her, where there is usually no space at all. And she cries and scream. I don't want to follow her desire, but she is screaming like crazy and is in the edge of waking up the siblings and the neighbours... And she already killed my sleep and I'm desperate to lay down and go back to sleep again... What to do?
I would appreciate some more of your precious guidance.... Thank you in advance 🙏
and my kids will say do it during my greetings free time, and then they won't. or they will pick for me to pick to up their toys because they don't care whether they have things or not. And what to do if child (7 years old) destroys doors, paints or draws on walls, etc.....
Hi, Thank you for reaching out with your questions! Here is a link to the blogpost version of this podcast which may be easier to find where these topics are addressed.
1. Look under the section titled "Step 2: Negotiable Areas." Some of this will be trial and error as we are dealing with people and sometimes they may give us an unexpected response or the consequence does not serve the purpose we thought it would. You will decide as the parent what the negotiable areas are. They do not get to choose to have you pick up their toys for them unless you are giving that as an option and then you are putting them away where they don't have access to them as they are not following your rules for them.
2. Look under the section titled "Step 1: Life Principle" there are clear instructions there for when children are destructive. If he is destroying your space you could choose to have him work to fix it as the consequence, he can help to repair it, lose access to markers or whatever he is using to draw on walls, etc.
simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habits-q-amp-a-consequences/
Solvitur en modo, firmitur en rey.