I appreciate you uploading these convos on yt, hopefully one day I'll be able to support you and patreon, but until then, thanks for allowing us access to the recordings
First, you are so relaxing and reassuring to listen to. Thank you for the work you do!! So, I tried for 1.5 months to be a triad with my partner of 5 years. We broke up twice in the last year, and it was very jarring for me. The last time was May through the end of June. We decided to work on things and get back together. He told me that he slept with a friend/client we’ve had for a couple years. (We own a tattoo shop together.). I’ve always thought she was a lovely person, and I knew she was poly. She has a husband and a male partner. I reached out of her in a respectful way, and told her that I was not mad at her that they slept together once while we were broken up. But I wanted her to know that, even though they slept together, that at that same time, he and I were talking about working things out and also had been sexually active. she revealed me that she had always wanted to have a triad type relationship or at least a threesome with both of us. Her and I are both bisexual. So I was intrigued, and thought maybe it might be a good idea. I told her that I thought it was wise for us to have a lengthy conversation around why we wanted this relationship and what our boundaries are as a group. What I’ve learned overtime through friends and the research that I did before this all started suggested this kind of conversations are the healthiest way to start so that people can be their best and feel emotionally safe. I spent hours finding good questions and created a list of about 15 questions that I thought maybe would help us have an organized conversation. I spent hours completing my own questionnaire and brought it with me and I had asked them to do the same. She was very on board and said that she knows that’s the best way to do it. my five year partner had never had a threesome and also had never experimented with polyamory, so he viewed it as me trying to control the situation. She told him no that this was actually the right way. So when we got together within two minutes of the conversation, she jumped on top of him and started to be very physically sexual with him with clothes on. They started making out and all kinds of things. While I was talking. I felt very disrespected. They told me that I should just relax and that this was all about fun. I told them that I can’t have fun watching another person with who is my soulmate without some clear boundaries and clear understandings around what this was going to look like and be like. So, we ended up going to dinner and they said we would continue the discussion there didn’t really happen and it was more of them, flirting and him paying a lot more attention to her, so, that night I ended up leaving the bed and drinking too much of a bottle of an adult beverage. I went downstairs and just cried. They ended up being kind of mad at me and I knew that this was actually not going to work out, but being me I wanted to keep trying. So the next date was the next weekend and, we rented a really nice Airbnb. We got in the hot tub and we were going to have our next attempt at a conversation. I agreed that we didn’t have to have formal questions, even though I know in my heart that that would keep us on track and help me get the answers that I needed to feel safe. But I felt like if I, sort of loosened up a little bit and just spoke from the heart. It might be more effective. I ended up crying a lot and it ended up being a terrible conversation where she turned around completely and he got really upset, but we went inside and it’s some food watched a movie and begin to have another physical experience. About 10 minutes into this experience, he was paying a lot more attention to her. And that’s not just me being jealous like he was definitely much more enthralled with her. So I tried to regulate and said I needed a drink and I would be right back I needed a break. I know that I’m allowed to take breaks, but because we had never really talked about anything substantial , he came out on the porch and started to tell me that he didn’t think I could do this and that it was something he really wanted and that I was being essentially selfish. He ended up packing his things and telling me that I was obviously unable to meet his needs and that him and DJ would talk later and I needed to, figure out what I want with my life. It was extremely upsetting. I ended up chasing him to his car and it was very embarrassing and then she was not very helpful and left so then I was left at the Airbnb by myself and crying and trying to call him and she talk to him first and then hours later, he eventually talk to me and wouldn’t come back to the Airbnb, so I ended up leaving and just going home and going to bed. This is a long story, but the next three dates were not as emotional on my part until after. I felt like I had to loosen up and just have fun and maybe then we can talk about things as we went. She indicated to me that she wanted to have alone time with him sometime and on a night that I was going to a concert, I told them they could have an alone time date. When I got back from the concert, she was just wearing a shirt and nothing else and it made me really violently sick. I literally had to go to the restroom and be sick. So then I begin having talks with my partner alone about how I actually felt. I ended up getting so much anxiety that I had a full on week of severe stomach problems and just felt awful because after their alone day, I asked that that never happened again because it really wrecked me and it wasn’t really what I thought I had signed up for so they agreed that if it made me healthy and happy, we would only get together when it was the three of us. Literally two days later she Told us that she was going to have six days where she would have a lot of time. As single mom I can’t just show up all the time and she is 12 years older than me and is not a single mom and has a lot of help so she doesn’t have those kinds of obligations. Without even consulting me, they agreed that on the days I was unable to be there that they would be having dates. I reminded them with a screenshot of the text messages that they had agreed to stick to one boundary of not getting together without me because I thought this was supposed to be a triad or Throuple. That was the only boundary that I had clearly been able to communicate and was the main one that I needed to have everyone respect so that I can work through this because I do believe I’m more monogamous based heart. They had two dates together, and he assured me that they weren’t able to do anything because he wasn’t able to perform because he felt bad. It doesn’t matter because for me it was more about the fact that they were spending time together and I wasn’t there and I didn’t know what was happening. It was more like the fear of the unknown, and I thought they were falling in love and that he was way more interested in her because of NRE. The hard part is that we were just getting back together had a lot of healing to do which was a horrible idea to agree to a trouble in that situation. Anyway, so I was just so sick the last whole week I even broke a blood vessel in my eye from throwing up so much. Which I’ve never done before. I have anxiety, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. He now thought about it a lot and he really wants us to work our stuff out and but like he just got carried away because our third is extremely aggressive and very Compliant if she doesn’t get her way. But then I told him that I needed him to be the one to break it off and currently he keeps putting that off because he doesn’t want to deal with the conversation I guess and it’s stressing him out. Do you have any advice for how I can ethically communicate with her, and be my best self for her but mostly for my own self? I feel like this was really his fantasy and idea and he didn’t really spend the time or effort researching how to do it correctly and she pretended like she knew how to do everything correctly but I feel like she did everything wrong. She didn’t respect my wishes she wouldn’t talk. She just wanted everything to be and loose. Unfortunately, I also feel like the only reason that she wanted me included was so that she could have him. Which I don’t think is a delusional thought, I feel like it’s based in a lot of evidence. So anyway, I don’t really wanna talk to her because I feel like she’s shown me as out of her that really upsets me and does not make me respect her as a person. So I don’t think I should talk to her because, I never really connected with her on an emotional level because of all these red flags I kept seeing. But it does let me out because for a long time we were friends. Not super close but definitely friends. So any advice you could give on this would be great. Thank you for all that you do.
I appreciate you uploading these convos on yt, hopefully one day I'll be able to support you and patreon, but until then, thanks for allowing us access to the recordings
I just found you today. You're interesting to watch and I like your face and your voice.
First, you are so relaxing and reassuring to listen to. Thank you for the work you do!!
So, I tried for 1.5 months to be a triad with my partner of 5 years. We broke up twice in the last year, and it was very jarring for me. The last time was May through the end of June. We decided to work on things and get back together. He told me that he slept with a friend/client we’ve had for a couple years. (We own a tattoo shop together.). I’ve always thought she was a lovely person, and I knew she was poly. She has a husband and a male partner. I reached out of her in a respectful way, and told her that I was not mad at her that they slept together once while we were broken up. But I wanted her to know that, even though they slept together, that at that same time, he and I were talking about working things out and also had been sexually active. she revealed me that she had always wanted to have a triad type relationship or at least a threesome with both of us. Her and I are both bisexual. So I was intrigued, and thought maybe it might be a good idea. I told her that I thought it was wise for us to have a lengthy conversation around why we wanted this relationship and what our boundaries are as a group. What I’ve learned overtime through friends and the research that I did before this all started suggested this kind of conversations are the healthiest way to start so that people can be their best and feel emotionally safe.
I spent hours finding good questions and created a list of about 15 questions that I thought maybe would help us have an organized conversation. I spent hours completing my own questionnaire and brought it with me and I had asked them to do the same. She was very on board and said that she knows that’s the best way to do it. my five year partner had never had a threesome and also had never experimented with polyamory, so he viewed it as me trying to control the situation. She told him no that this was actually the right way. So when we got together within two minutes of the conversation, she jumped on top of him and started to be very physically sexual with him with clothes on. They started making out and all kinds of things. While I was talking. I felt very disrespected. They told me that I should just relax and that this was all about fun. I told them that I can’t have fun watching another person with who is my soulmate without some clear boundaries and clear understandings around what this was going to look like and be like. So, we ended up going to dinner and they said we would continue the discussion there didn’t really happen and it was more of them, flirting and him paying a lot more attention to her, so, that night I ended up leaving the bed and drinking too much of a bottle of an adult beverage. I went downstairs and just cried. They ended up being kind of mad at me and I knew that this was actually not going to work out, but being me I wanted to keep trying. So the next date was the next weekend and, we rented a really nice Airbnb. We got in the hot tub and we were going to have our next attempt at a conversation. I agreed that we didn’t have to have formal questions, even though I know in my heart that that would keep us on track and help me get the answers that I needed to feel safe. But I felt like if I, sort of loosened up a little bit and just spoke from the heart. It might be more effective. I ended up crying a lot and it ended up being a terrible conversation where she turned around completely and he got really upset, but we went inside and it’s some food watched a movie and begin to have another physical experience.
About 10 minutes into this experience, he was paying a lot more attention to her. And that’s not just me being jealous like he was definitely much more enthralled with her. So I tried to regulate and said I needed a drink and I would be right back I needed a break. I know that I’m allowed to take breaks, but because we had never really talked about anything substantial , he came out on the porch and started to tell me that he didn’t think I could do this and that it was something he really wanted and that I was being essentially selfish. He ended up packing his things and telling me that I was obviously unable to meet his needs and that him and DJ would talk later and I needed to, figure out what I want with my life. It was extremely upsetting. I ended up chasing him to his car and it was very embarrassing and then she was not very helpful and left so then I was left at the Airbnb by myself and crying and trying to call him and she talk to him first and then hours later, he eventually talk to me and wouldn’t come back to the Airbnb, so I ended up leaving and just going home and going to bed.
This is a long story, but the next three dates were not as emotional on my part until after. I felt like I had to loosen up and just have fun and maybe then we can talk about things as we went. She indicated to me that she wanted to have alone time with him sometime and on a night that I was going to a concert, I told them they could have an alone time date. When I got back from the concert, she was just wearing a shirt and nothing else and it made me really violently sick. I literally had to go to the restroom and be sick. So then I begin having talks with my partner alone about how I actually felt. I ended up getting so much anxiety that I had a full on week of severe stomach problems and just felt awful because after their alone day, I asked that that never happened again because it really wrecked me and it wasn’t really what I thought I had signed up for so they agreed that if it made me healthy and happy, we would only get together when it was the three of us. Literally two days later she Told us that she was going to have six days where she would have a lot of time. As single mom I can’t just show up all the time and she is 12 years older than me and is not a single mom and has a lot of help so she doesn’t have those kinds of obligations. Without even consulting me, they agreed that on the days I was unable to be there that they would be having dates. I reminded them with a screenshot of the text messages that they had agreed to stick to one boundary of not getting together without me because I thought this was supposed to be a triad or Throuple. That was the only boundary that I had clearly been able to communicate and was the main one that I needed to have everyone respect so that I can work through this because I do believe I’m more monogamous based heart. They had two dates together, and he assured me that they weren’t able to do anything because he wasn’t able to perform because he felt bad. It doesn’t matter because for me it was more about the fact that they were spending time together and I wasn’t there and I didn’t know what was happening. It was more like the fear of the unknown, and I thought they were falling in love and that he was way more interested in her because of NRE. The hard part is that we were just getting back together had a lot of healing to do which was a horrible idea to agree to a trouble in that situation.
Anyway, so I was just so sick the last whole week I even broke a blood vessel in my eye from throwing up so much. Which I’ve never done before. I have anxiety, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. He now thought about it a lot and he really wants us to work our stuff out and but like he just got carried away because our third is extremely aggressive and very Compliant if she doesn’t get her way. But then I told him that I needed him to be the one to break it off and currently he keeps putting that off because he doesn’t want to deal with the conversation I guess and it’s stressing him out. Do you have any advice for how I can ethically communicate with her, and be my best self for her but mostly for my own self? I feel like this was really his fantasy and idea and he didn’t really spend the time or effort researching how to do it correctly and she pretended like she knew how to do everything correctly but I feel like she did everything wrong. She didn’t respect my wishes she wouldn’t talk. She just wanted everything to be and loose. Unfortunately, I also feel like the only reason that she wanted me included was so that she could have him. Which I don’t think is a delusional thought, I feel like it’s based in a lot of evidence. So anyway, I don’t really wanna talk to her because I feel like she’s shown me as out of her that really upsets me and does not make me respect her as a person. So I don’t think I should talk to her because, I never really connected with her on an emotional level because of all these red flags I kept seeing. But it does let me out because for a long time we were friends. Not super close but definitely friends. So any advice you could give on this would be great. Thank you for all that you do.
😊❤