You missed a HUGE one, Emily. I dated a single mother for three years. Her daughter was just a year and a few month at the time we started dating. I always wanted kids and I tried to keep myself from falling in love with the little one too quickly but I couldn’t help it. I was there for her learning to talk, learning to write her name, potty training and so on. I was deeply in love with this little girl. My paternal instincts to teach, protect, provide kicked in and my ex allowed me to step into that roll. I loved every second of it. She became, to me, just as much mine as my own flesh and blood might be. Hearing her say I love you, could have pushed me to do anything. Now, three years removed from the relationship, I hardly ever get to see her. I get sent pictures/updates every now and again. I get “Happy Father’s Day” texts from my ex. but I don’t get to be in her presence like I’d love to be. I suspect this has to do with my ex being engaged and serious with another guy, though that’s never been confirmed. All I know is, at my ex’s whim, after 3 years of me being the man in the life of a child, which is a roll I’d always wanted, I was told we were breaking up. Answering a 4 year old’s questions about “where I went” was HEARTBREAKING. Absolutely something that has changed me forever. I get no parental rights. I have no recourse but to accept what happened and move on. As you can imagine, there is a HUGE hole in my life because of all that. She’s almost 7 now and hardly remembers my time in her life. She remembers bits and pieces and knows I love her, which I guess is all I get. At 35, a lot of my friends try to convince me to let go of my “no kids” requirement, or else I may not find someone. But I just can’t do it. I know it’d probably vastly increase my chances. But when you date a single mother, if you break up. It’s a 2 for one special on misery. Your heart gets broken, TWICE
AKA you were used as free nanny care till she felt you served your role well and gave you the air badge of honor and then went on her merry way Golden rule #1 of women. “What can you do for me”. Not what can we build together. How can we be a team. What role do I need to play in this AKA all men are used to varying degrees. And I’d highly suspect the actual father got to unloaded and so target practice at night for free because he was chad that didn’t have to do anything. It was you raising the kid right. It was you putting in finances. It was you putting in the energy. It was you having to go to work to provide. .
I was not with a single mother for that long but went through similar. When the woman decided to break up, it was losing the kid that hurt. After going through it twice I swore off single mother's.
I feel ya. I married a single mom. I helped raise my step-son for nearly half his life (I knew him from 6-13 and raised him in marriage from 8-13). When she split over a year ago, she blocked my number on his phone and the only time I got to see him again was when I ran into them at a restaurant about 6 months ago when I was out with a friend. I was a good step-father and right before she left, my step-son gave me this lingering bear hug, because he knew before I did that she was leaving. I never even got to say goodbye...I thought he was just going for a week at his dad's house over the summer. So yeah, we have no parental rights as step-fathers, and if we get divorced, we might just lose the kid forever.
@viperpit-lr2rp It tends to be a vicious cycle. Guys are used, abused, and chucked aside so they go and do the same to the young girls who throw themselves into relationships without any logic or reason. Then they grow up and selfishly do the same thing they complained about. Then the next group of men learn to do the same. Both genders need to just knock it off. Well, it ends with me, at my feet. I refuse to pick up the abuse and continue to pass it on to the next cycle.
Isn't it also possible to get sued for maintenance in some places? Insane and obscene, even though the child isn't yours. Though not a surprise in this revolting joke of western culture.
Dating any woman is dangerous enough without throwing a child that is not yours into the mix. I’ve dated two single mothers. To say they were huge mistakes would be an understatement. Being in a relationship with a SM usually means that your status will never be more than an ATM. “They’re my kids so stay out of it.”
And why should anyone doubt the judgment of a man willing to generalize about an entire group of people based on his experience with 2 of them, and his complete unwillingness to consider his own contribution to those situations? Can you even spell "selection bias"?
Dated a single mother, broke up several times, then ended up marrying her. Biggest mistake I have ever made. Went from having a home I felt comfortable in, to one I was walking around on eggshells. The home went from always clean, to ALWAYS messy and dirty. Toys everywhere, dishes and food everywhere, everything that could be touched and moved was moved. I still can't find half my stuff. Would never leave me with the children alone because of past traumas Sm had suffered and didn't trust anyone with them. Expected to pay for everything, food, clothes, toys, childcare, transport, etc. Accused of trying to take her children from her when I was just entertaining the children. Am I dad or am I (insert name here). Children had their own rooms, would always be in our bed. Every night. Working split shifts, had to be up early and home late, spend the night getting kicked, ended up sleeping on the couch. Actually got sleep, she never even bothered to question it, so long as she and her child got sleep she was happy. Older child would argue about everything, would swear, curse, hit, scream and yell. Would threaten to bash us, did in fact assault his toddler sister making her bleed because he couldn't control his anger about her TV show, or her singing or anything she did in general. I attempt to punish him, that makes me the worst human alive and she threatens to have me charged with assault. Tells the children all of the issues and problems that we are having, but screams at me about arguing in front of the children, because there is no alone time to even deal with anything. Can't voice any problems because 'you married me, and this is how I am'. Compares me to her ex, and how he showed her real feelings. (Was in and out of jail, had her in a woman's shelter because of abuse, beat the kids and regularly beat her, eventually got killed). I'm sorry I don't beat you? The list is endless, what I do remember out of this experience, I was never first, in fact I didn't even register once we got married, I was expected to do the 'husband role' without her expecting to do any role at all. I was nothing more than a roof over her head, money in her bank account, cleaner and a taxi. Never again. To top it off, now that she has left, I'm still expected to pay for her stuff, I have no contact with these children I was helping to raise, left with a mountain of debt and a hole in my heart. Sorry to any decent single mothers out there, but these are some of the examples why men don't want to date you because we have had such a nightmare of experience previously.
This is why I won't marry my girlfriend of 9 years (single mom). We're too far apart in many ways. In fact, and I have told her this, the only reason our relationship works is BECAUSE we don't live together.
I used to be open to dating a single mom before watching this video. After watching this video and reading the comments section, I have changed my mind.
I'm firmly and staunchly in the 'HELL NO' category, because I've done it before and it was always a disaster. First off, if the ex is still active in the child/children's life (or could be at any time in the future), there are now three of you in the relationship (you, her, and the ex). She has a built-in sneaky link. She's holding the detonator for the relationship and she's probably not afraid to use it. You have the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Strike one. Secondly, there is never any appreciation for what you do for the children. Take them to school? *shrug* Pick them up after school? "AND?" Help them with their homework to give her an hour or so of peace? Don't care. But plan something and have to go on a business trip when a co-worker falls ill and OMG YOU ARE THE DEVIL. Strike two. Thirdly, there are still jurisdictions that can slap a man with child support for a child (or children) that aren't biologically his, simply because he "played the role of father" for a period of time. Strike three, I'm out.
I would rank losing the kids of my ex GF as being as heart breaking as my divorce or having my cousin die.... They called me dad and i was def becoming their dad/Father
and yeah, it also affectedmy finances a LOT, and i did NOT have to pay child support. Going to the movies cost $150!!!!!!!! I pay $0 ... i just dont go, lol
@@davidturner1641 Nope. Don't become attached to the kids. They might like you, and you might like them, but they are not and never will be yours. You're basically paying to babysit.
I don’t blame you. I don’t have kids and won’t consider dating a man with kids. Had a couple really bad experiences and never again. Last one was the guy who refused to work once he got full custody of his daughter (her mom passed away). We had been living together and all of a sudden all bills, house payment fell on me. He also wouldn’t help her with school. I went into so much debt trying to support 3 people on my medical tech wage. I’m not someone who wants anyone “all to myself”. I LOVE alone time actually and am really good being by myself.
85% of all child custody goes to mom because men are trash.. I get it. so even if a man is a single parent, he's forking out child support and Now he's gotta pay up a little here and there, to date you also.
That's a terrible generalization. You know for a fact that all single mothers are just looking for help or is that just your uninformed opinion because that's never been my experience?
@@xyzxyz6406 I don't necessarily agree with the conclusion, but, In life we have to generalize because we don't know every single person. Generalizing is a good thing, especially if it's based on a totality of experiences across a wider swathe of choice.
Why I stopped dating single moms: I already knew most of them were disasters to be avoided at all costs. Then I met Lisa, truly the apex of single moms. She had it all together, was functionally co-parenting with her ex, and was very proud of her son. We connected well, chemistry was good, and sex was great. But when I tried to have an open conversation about how we might negotiate the difficulties we would need to get through with her being a single mom and me a childless bachelor, she shut down and was almost indignant that my plan might be anything other than to fold myself into her life. She wouldn't negotiate, and we fell apart. If the best single mom I've ever crossed paths with by far won't negotiate a relationship, then I think it's safe to simply exclude the entire category.
You are applying the fallacy of one to all. You should not project this one woman onto all SMs. The fact that she should would not negotiate (and was almost indignant) indicates she was an all or nothing stubborn person (which might explain why "she had it all together"). You were presenting her not only a reasonable approach, but a necessary one. Letting everything develop ad hoc will lead to chaos, disappointment, and a messy divorce. Good for you for holding firm. She clearly did not want a relationship with you. She just wanted a man who would let her always get her way.
Same. The BEST single mom I've ever known was someone who, it turned out, cheated on her husband while he was deployed. I was never in a relationship with her but I considered it...but I just wasn't attracted to her enough. I wanted her because I thought she was a good person. Not long after we stopped talking, she got pregnant by some guy on a first date and he of course didn't stick around. Even he was too pretty for her, despite his lack of height. So the best single mom I've EVER known now has 2 baby daddies. If she's THE BEST I've ever found in 33 years, I agree, throw the whole category out
Not to mention you talking about co-parenting with her ex, if a woman gets along well with her baby daddy there’s a chance he still may have had access to her sexually.
Do you think her saying that she prioritises some random newfound guy over her own kids is a green flag? Putting your kids first is the right thing to do, it just doesn’t make the whole situation amenable to dating.
If you care about being a priority it’s probably best to never have kids because even if you had a woman and you started your own family, the reality is you will not mater anymore after those hideous children arrive
@@mark9294you’re missing the point. If he kids come first then remain SINGLE. They expect to be prioritized while making their partner 2nd, 3rd, 4th priority. No problem with making your kids your world just leave others out of it because a healthy relationship is about putting EACH OTHER first, doesn’t work any other way.
I'm another guy that learned this one the hard way. Never again. Spent five years building a life with a single mother of two. Built strong relationships with the kids. Got randomly told I was never there for the kids and she was out. I didn't break up with one person I broke up with three. I'll never invest a minute in a single mother again.
Totally done with dating single moms. The past trauma is too much to overcome in a relationship. We suffer because they wont get over it, and we have to bear the brunt of that trauma.
Every woman and her situation is different. Your are stereotyping all single moms based on your limited sample of single moms. You don't say what sample size (2, 5, 10, or more) you are basing your conclusion on. Not all single moms will have unresolved trauma. It would be the same if she was divorced instead of widowed. Single moms have had diverse experiences separating from their ex's and are at different stages of recovery (if any) from their "trauma". It may take her years to resolve her trauma. If she has not resolved her trauma, she is not ready for a new relationship. So you are correct that you are not in a relationship to help her resolve her trauma, especially when she projects it onto you. That is what therapists and counselors are for. You need to determine at what stage she is in her trauma recovery. The easiest way is by asking her. So you need to compile a list of questions (you can probably Google for them) to understand her mental and emotional state. This will require extra effort from you, so you also need to determine if the characteristics a woman offers in a relationship is worth your effort. You should do that for all women. Just remember that "Every relationship has a set of unsolvable problems." I recommend starting with the work of Dr. John Gottman. fourminutebooks.com/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-summary/
Trauma is not something someone "gets over" - it needs a good therapist (often childhood trauma therapist, which are hard to find - think Patrick Teahan or similar). That being said, of course while they didn't cause their trauma, they are responsible for healing it. I wouldn't date a traumatized woman who has not done therapy in a good enough way and expects her significant other alone to be in that role - it's harmful for both sides, not to mention the child. Obviously one should look for red and green flags, emotional intelligence, etc. in different situations and especially during conflict and its aftermath. I would also get into consultation with a child psychologist, about how to interact with the child, since introducing step parents (especially too many or too soon) can be very traumatizing for the child.
@@maxp918I've known single moms who have had a revolving door of boyfriends, and it seriously messed up their kids. However, the exact same thing can happen from a single dad going through a bunch of different girlfriends. Kids are young, inexperienced, and vulnerable. You need to prioritize them first.
I dated - and married - a single mom, and we just had our 35th wedding anniversary. We had our ups and downs, but never did she ever treat me like I was not the dad. Never did she treat me like I mattered less than her child. Her love for me and for her child was absolutely endless. Her only flaw was horrible money management, and I battled with her for years and FINALLY got her to see the light. Now we are living very well in a very nice home, nice cars, financially we are a team, almost no debt, zero plastic debt, money stuffed in the savings accounts. I would do it all over again, and I tell her often. She’s a wonderful wife, and it’s a blessing to have someone to grow old with.
Glad it worked out in your case! Takes a very evolved woman to allow you to operate as the man when it comes to her kids. 35 years ago I imagine times were different.
@@RobertTaylor-gz2fu riiiight. All the way up until you have a kid with that woman who is good with money and she gets bored and leaves you and takes child support for nearly 20 years. How well off are you then? The great thing about my arrangement was my support for them both was voluntary. If she decided she didn’t like it, she could strike out on her own, but I would be walking away clean. So I raised my stepdaughter from her infancy voluntarily and out of love, and today she realizes how much better her life was with me supporting her and her mom. And she loves me for it. She knows she’s lucky.
@@curtish2541 You're lucky it has worked out long term. However, you've spent a large proportion of your resources on someone you're not blood-related to, whom you have no rights over. That can't have been your original goal.
Imagine another dude blew out that vagina and it never fully recovers from that first kid and you took second to that saying it’s great 😂 unbelievable what simps will convince themselves of.
I'm one of those "Depends on the situation" guys. There are certain non-negotiables for me with single mothers now. I didn't always have those boundaries and unfortunately learned the hard way that they are necessary for me. The thing I didn't expect to sting as much as it did was losing my relationship with her son. I was there when he took his first steps, but a few years later the relationship fell apart so I know he doesn't even remember me. It felt like I lost my own child. The only silver lining is that I'm glad that he wasn't old enough to consider that he did something wrong or that I abandoned him and his mom. I can't blame guys for not wanting to take a risk like that.
I think if I do this again I won't build a relationship with the children for a significant amount of time. I have a friend who keeps her kid compely separate from who she's seeing. And I get why
@@ratamacue0320these are broad strokes because I don't want to type out a full blown essay on the subject. If any of it sounds harsh, there are most likely details that would (hopefully) make it seem less so. All of this is colored by growing up in a single mother household and my previous relationships with single mothers. For starters, the nature of her relationship with her ex is important to me. I refuse to compete with anyone's ex, doubly so when it's the father of her child. I have zero problems with them having a cordial relationship and working together in the best interest of the kids, but it needs to stop there. If the ex's opinion is more valuable than mine, then I'm not going to waste my time trying to foster that relationship. Also, I want to wait to meet her kids until I am ready. Until I'm convinced that the relationship is serious enough to be a permanent fixture in my life, her life and her children's lives, I don't want to form a relationship with her kids. It isn't fair to them, and it isn't fair to me. If I haven't decided before she brings up the idea, then I'll start to consider it and she has to be comfortable with waiting until I have made a decision. If she can't understand or respect my reasoning, I'm not the guy for her or her kids. She has to make me a priority in her life. I don't expect the same frequency and type of access to her as I would a childless woman in the beginning, but she can't always put me on the back burner either because life as a single mother is difficult. Until we are living together, I am not going to be financially responsible for her children. There should be zero expectation for me to pay for her children's food, babysitters, etc. Depending on what my relationship with the kids are like after meeting them, I will likely help out with that occasionally, but I will not have my generosity taken advantage of. How her kids behave is also important. She needs to understand that my expectations for behavior deserves to be respected. If I think they are acting in a way that needs corrected, she needs to be willing to work with me in that regard. Just as she will most likely have boundaries for how she expects me to interact with her kids, she needs to respect that I have boundaries for how her children interact with me and in my presence. There's other things but those are the major ones. There are other things that are far more negotiable, like her willingness to potentially have kids with me (age dependent obviously), open to my adoption of the kids (depending on the biological father's involvement), etc. None of that sort of thing are automatic deal breakers though like what I had already mentioned.
Even being suddenly cut out of the relationships with nieces and nephews you’ve been close to for multiple years (and very important young years for them) is heartbreaking.
One of the biggest problems I've had with single mothers is that many of them become man haters and will take what their ex husband did to them out on you.
@@hansblitz7770 More like most of the time, not just "many times", and usually it's her unrealistic expectations that make her hate men, not anything men did wrong. There seem to be a lot of single or divorced women out there who are daddy's little princesses, and no man is ever going to be able to compete with daddy.
86% of women initiate the divorces. Meaning they're perfectly okay with destroying a family. I sincerely doubt that 86% of fathers/husbands are bad enough to divorce. As others are stating on here, it's female unrealistic expectations
I was married to a single mother. Her kid killed the marriage. She had an 11 year old daughter who thought mum was her own personal property. It had to have mums attention every minute of the day and used to cling and follow her mother everywhere. I've never seen such an old baby. And mum had to jump when the kid snapped its fingers or she would go into a screaming, stomping, door slamming rage, shouting ''mum doesn't love me any more''. My wife's primary relationship was with her kid. I was just the guy around the house who paid the bills. Never again.
I dated a couple of single mothers. The second one I ended up marrying. We were together 5 years, almost two of them married. And I got the spill of they like this school and I’m not moving etc. Long story short, I felt like it was three against one on anything. At times, my thoughts and feelings and opinions on things didn’t matter ( even though I paid all the bills and ran on 5-6 hours of sleep every day). She told me in February that she wasn’t happy and wanted out. I wasn’t expecting that. But as stated above, splitting up with a single parent hurts more because you grow attached to the children. I don’t think that I would ever want to be in a relationship with a single mother again. I’m not saying that they are all bad. But guys beware. Be prepared for anything and everything if you decide to have a relationship with a single parent.
@@eric3434 Exactly. Even if the dad is completely out of the picture, it's still her child, not yours. You get to do with that child what she wants you to do, not what you want to do or what you think is right. You're going to be nothing but an ATM to that child. I wasted years and thousands of dollars on an entitled princess who wanted me to be the substitute dad to her fatherless child -- as long as I was doing exactly what she said. My kids are now in high school. I won't date anybody with children that I'm going to have to raise.
If there's any consolation, there's very few clowns like you OP, she's unlikely to find another good man aka (🤡) to marry her. She's a single mom to a man... and now divorced to another man. She's done. Finished. Her goose is cooked. She doesn't know it but she'll find out eventually that she screwed her last chance at having a decent partner. It's 100% creeps and bottom of the barrel men for her from here on out.
I learned my lesson when a single mom that I was dating broke it off to get pumped and dumped by the Chad who knocked her up. I found out later that he just used her until he could get back together with one of his other baby-mommas. She knew he was no good, but that didn't matter, she wanted Drama. Never again.
You kept using the word 'date.' I would date a single mom to take to dinner, show, etc... but I would not marry. And you nailed it. If her kids come first, the guy will always be last and he'll probably be used as an ATM machine. I own my own home and I'd hesitate moving anyone in. I'm very non-trusting now. Thank you women!
I dated a few single moms in my 20s and the issue I typically dealt with was that I needed to come in with all the standard men dating items: planning, paying, pursuing and so forth which was fine but in return, I had to wait an indefinite amount of time for responses, know I was definitely the last on the list of communication or planning, be more supportive than I normally would in dating and very little physical contact. It's tough for me to bond and develop feelings for someone I barely see or talk to BUT I better hold up my end or there is no chance either. Understandable for what single mothers have to deal with but the expectation on a man with no child needs to reasonable as well.
Oh my god, I hear you on the waiting and flaking, I was interested in a SM in the spring, I knew her from High School so at least I had a foundation with her but WOW, would her responses to me be all over the place. Sometimes within minutes other times she'd flake out for a week and I'd think she ghosted. Things really stalled early on, the kids weren't the ONLY thing responsible but they were a big factor.
It sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner. That and ghosting are two miserable ways women disrespect men when dating. You need to compile your list of relationship boundaries (what is unacceptable) and standards (what is acceptable, but not expectations) and communicate them to her early in the relationship. Be reasonable and polite. If she does not accept the terms of the relationship you specify, then she does not want a relationship with you. Being proactive and assertive (not controlling) in this way she will respect you more, understand what behavior is unacceptable to you, and likely feel more attracted to you. If she wants the "planning, paying, pursuing" then she must respect you, your time, communicate without delay, and make time for you. If she agrees to your terms but later violates them, you must decide if you want to end the relationship. There are many articles on the Internet for free explaining how to set boundaries and standards in a relationship. By communicating boundaries and standards early in a relationship both partners understand and agree to the terms of the relationship. This helps to reduce conflict and misunderstandings.
Imagine that AND being a single (widowed) father of 3 kids too. I literally have more on my hands than them and do more than they do. I see straight through all their power play bullshit. And they can’t handle it.
I’ve married two single moms. Kids were distant and rude and end up paying child support both times. Never again. And I’m going to remember this when I come back in my next life as well.
I've dated single moms and there's no short answer for how complicated this situation is to navigate. The only problem is how entitled women will act in this situation. The amount of grief they will give you, forgetting how you are putting her and her kids in your back.
Not only did I date a single mom... I married her. Of course I myself was a single dad. And that was 20 years ago. Were there issues with the kids? Yeah some, sure. But we really did live happily ever after. And now there are 6 grandchildren.
@@OldSaltyBear We dated for 3 years before getting married, so we knew each other super well. Maybe the dating was the risky part, but the marriage was the surest thing I ever went for.
That's fine if you're both single parents. In that way you're as equally damaged as she is. I will just raise my own children and not be a cuckold father to some other man's children. Are you counting grandchildren that come from the other man?
I’m married now and happily, but kids wouldn’t have been a deal breaker if the stars aligned that way, it just would have been admittedly harder to make work. My late grandfather (technically step grandfather but you wouldn’t know it) raised 4 kids that weren’t his own and taught them to be master plumbers. But in his case there was zero chance my biological grandfather would be a factor as he turned out to be a womanizing alcoholic deadbeat that ran off with the neighbors wife. Which might be the worst and best thing for our family as a whole because the same neighbor then married my grandma, a clear case of sometime the stars just aligning. RIP TW.
I have dated single moms in the past and I avoid it now. I suppose there are always exceptions but I have found those situations to be largely dissatisfying in the long haul. You will never be her priority, the time is often less abundant and less flexible, and you just don’t know what you’re getting yourself into from a drama perspective. I might feel differently if I was a single father but I’m not. I’d rather invest my time in someone who can reciprocate my energy/effort and doesn’t have significant challenges to maneuver around in life. Doesn’t mean I think single moms are bad people. Just not the circumstances I want to get into (doesn’t matter to me how attractive she may be).
@@aech_two_ohyou didn't make any sense. Tge fact she got kids to raise is the exact reason she doesn't prioritize you. Who would honestly want that?? May be harsh...but it's how it is
@philt9818 I guess sorry I'm being a realist? (Assuming you're a single father in this case) would you want a woman to be super possessive of you (wanting to take priority over your kids) and end up leaving you because you gave your kids attention instead of her?
@@aech_two_oh You’re kind of making my point. I don’t blame single moms for prioritizing kids… I totally get it. But that’s exactly why I don’t want to date them. If I’m not being prioritized, why on earth would I date/commit to that person? I’d rather be single and keep playing the field than to commit to a situation where I automatically know I’m going to be a lower priority
I have dated some beautiful women who were single mothers.when I met them it was hard to understand why they were divorced, why a guy would divorce such a beautiful woman , but these are the times we live in and I have learned it is very hard to satisfy them and I gave up years ago.
If a man divorces them, there's probably a reason. But like kulentarin said in their comment, almost always it's the woman divorcing the man. Why did she leave? Was he bad or did her infatuation of him run dry? How toxic was she? Maybe he was toxic and left scars on her?
My last girlfriend was single mom with two teen daughters. Never, ever again will I date another single mom. My ex gf refused to set any kind of boundaries with her girls. She allowed her daughters to openly disrespect our relationship and me as an individual just to be assholes. I didn't do anything to cause this. They did it because they could get away with it and they thought it was funny.They did things to try and break us up. And then their father was a giant ahole who never paid child support and decided he was gonna play tough guy and make disparaging comments to me through his girls. Mind you, I'm a retired Army Ranger. This guy was clearly intimidated by me despite me trying to be friendly with him and have the girls best interest first. All of the constant drama ended up breaking us up after her older daughter falsely accused me of hitting her. she actually called the cops on me and tried to have me arrested. Thank god the mother defended me and told the truth about what happened. All three of them acted mental. I'm glad my ex decided to get therapy for herself and the girls after that. But it shouldn't have been at my expense and the expense of my relationship with their mother. Nope, I would rather be alone than deal with crazy bullshit and mental problems.
Something similar happened to me as well. I set boundaries after constant disrespect from her and she called LE on me because she was scared of my “voice.” She was striking me! I’m also a vet that doesn’t believe in violence.
I already have. Not doing that again. There’s only one that I was friends with that I could have dated but at the time I was against dating single moms. Also, I just wasn’t into her like that. She was a devout Christian and as far as I could tell, wasn’t really screwing around. She genuinely seemed to be waiting for the right man to marry. She’s since remarried. The one I actually dated, yeah that ended in disaster. Definitely a good learning experience, although it didn’t feel like it at the time. Her kid was adorable though, which made the breakup a lot worse than it probably would have been if the kid wasn’t in the picture. If you’re gonna date a single mom, you better make sure all or most of her past traumas are resolved.
I’ve never said “no” simply for being a single mother. But there have always been additional questions to deal with and hurdles to overcome that those without kids don’t have to deal with. For example: I was working on a career that could transfer me around the world, so custody issues could be big. There’s also the question of how she became a single mom-adopting, having a child out of wedlock, being divorced, and being widowed are all going to have different issues to sort out. The main dealbreaker was anything along the lines of “my children will always come first”. Now…I would never be the “evil step parent” who comes in and tries to get rid of the kids, and I understand that kids need their parents around, so date night might be cancelled if the kid is sick. But I’m not willing to play third-, fourth-, or fifth-fiddle in the family with the kids always trumping me.
Switch it around for a single father who brings a new girlfriend into the mix. The new GF will expect to take priority over his kids in the marriage every single time.
@@NCPhilnotNPCphil And in the marriage, that should be the case. The parents provide that foundation of authority and (hopefully) stability that the family builds on. That's why it's important to be very careful when kids are already in the mix.
@@waynegoodman3345 Bio Dad is a particular challenge. On one hand, as long as he wasn’t abusive, I wouldn’t want the kids to be cut off from their dad. On the other hand, I’d prefer to be a full-time dad rather than a part-time one who might get caught in a situation where he‘s competing with the other dad or the kids / mother are trying to play one man off of the other. That goes into that category of additional questions to ask and hurdles to overcome. I’m not only bringing the woman into my life. I’m also looking at bringing her kids in AND possibly the kid’s father. That’s part of why I get irritated when some people seem to think it should be so easy to bring a single mother into your life. She’s looking at bringing one man into her sphere. He’s looking at bringing an adult, their children, and the other parent(s) of these children into his sphere. That’s a lot more to have to digest. It’s not as easy as hitting it off with someone you met in school and just having to deal with the two of you. (And, of course, this applies to single dads, too.)
If her kids don’t come first. She’s a horrible mother… Just think on that. Not taking care of prior responsibilities and wanting it “all” What happens is her even brining in other men. She’s exposing the kids to rounds of who’s this guy. What about joe where is he… Yea she can absolutely keep men away from her kids. Then what situation does that put the kids in when she’s out with other men… of course the only expecting is if the kid is 15 and a brat at that point not wanting parents around. It’s usually a lose lose 99% of the time for a guy Raise another man seed Get no respect for raising chads kid Become an atm and babysitter She’ll always care for Jr. Chad father You’ll never have that blood / soul tie You’ll be told “your not my dad” You’ll have to deal with Chad if he’s in the kids life AKA. If you love having no self worth. Self respect. Self esteem. Jump right in to the hole where Chad unloaded in night after night and then get to say yumm while being down there where he was doing target practice. That’s akin to showing up to a party and 10 people licked the pizza and you’re expected to be happy about eating that pizza ten people licked and touched before you got it. . . . . . .
@@ssing7113 What you're talking about is why I specifically included her including the word "always". Yes, she should not be neglecting her kids for the sake of her dating life or living her life like her kids aren't there. She should be factoring her kids in, and I would expect that to include giving them priority during the dating process. Being a single parent (mother or father) means you have responsibilities and cannot be as haphazard with dating as a childless adult can. But when they say the kids *always* come first, that implies this will continue even after saying "I do". THAT is where I believe the problem lies. If she keeps a "my kids always come first" mindset, she could easily make for a horrible wife because she's putting the spousal relationship below the mother-child one.
the "right situation" for me is so impossible that it wouldn't ever happen, especially where I live. When I last had Tinder, many years ago, all it seemed to be was overweight single moms. I'm not super in shape myself, but I'm working on it unlike most of those women. I'm not interested in having kids, never really have been, so having "instant kids" is not appealing to me. I'm on the wrong side of 40, childless, and alone. And I'm enjoying it.
I didnt fully understand the meaning of baggage until deciding to date a single mum once. Up until then I had only ever been with childless women. This SM was a pleasant person who ticked many boxes, but it soon became apparent that our relationship was dictated by and revolved around the child and the babydaddy's say, as he was still heavily involved in the child's upbringing. I hypothetically asked her, if in the future an opportunity that advanced my career came around which involved relocation, would she move with me. She said no and would prefer I pass on the opportunity because it would disrupt the kid's stability (school, friends, extended family etc) and didn't want to take him away from his father which is more important. That was when I realised it is not in your best interests as a childless man to date a SM if you have goals and ambitions of your own as you essentially have to give them up for her and her kids (with another man) as a priority. Single mums are a dealbreaker for me now regardless how good her character or how hot she is.
What you realized is wrong. You don't have to do anything for a single mothers kids except occasionally get them a babysitter so she can come over to let loose. Why are you even mentioning the kids, they have their own father.
@@taridean That's your prerogative. If I was looking and liked a single mom, I personally would check her out before just banning all moms. These broad proclamations and stereotypes are kind of a joke.
Date. Be intimate and have fun with. NOT MARRY.😮 Emily: You're a kind lady. You try to defend men. Most decent, smart and successful guys will not raise another man's kids. They prefer to start their own family with a single, no kids lady. My opinion😮
I wouldn’t say I’d be dead set against dating a single mom, but as a younger man with no kids of my own, I would much prefer to start a family of my own. To me I feel like being the step parent, your step children are never truly 100% yours. It would also depend greatly on the dynamic between her and her ex
As an old man who dated a single mom and who has siblings who are single moms, I can say 100% that its not just the dynamic between her and her ex that you need to take note of. Its also they dynamic between her and her ex's parents (the grandparents). In my only relationship with a single mother, I was considered "step-Dad" until it came to discipline and expectations for the kid. They were living in my house, so I expected to make the rules. Yet those rules were undermined by his mother, the kids father and the father's parents in every way. Decisions that impacted my home were negotiated and agreed upon without my input or consent... and they all treated me like a piece of furniture in my own home. For example, her ex and his parents would enter my house without prior notice or even knocking. When I told them it was not acceptable... that I require they knock on the door and wait for me to answer... they acted like expecting such a simple show of respect was crazy.
Be dead set against it. Run for the hills if a single mum comes your way, run son, run as fast as you can like Forest Gump, be Forest Gump, even work on a shrimp boat, go to Vietnam, be Forest Gump!
They are not truly yours, she will probably resent you for disciplining them in any way, and if you split up, you will probably never see or hear from them again.
It is NOT worth dating most single moms out there....chances are you will be emasculated, undermined, unappreciated, and disrespected. I want to be that next guy who dates the mom AFTER the sacrificial stepdad raises the kids and then gets axed out of their lives. I sold my house and moved in with my girlfriend after 3 years of dating. She was the only woman with kids who I let into my life, and she became the absolute love of my life, even though she was an enabler. I grew to love her kids, even though they were a little bratty from the beginning. I had no power over the kids. The first 6 years (out of 8) were the best times of my life, but by the time the kids hit their late teen years, they believed that they were my equal and turned into horrible self-entitled, disrespectful brats. My stepson assaulted me when I confiscated his bong, and I was the one to be kicked out of the home! I was deeply traumatized, with only 4 days to move out. I lost an entire family of 15 people out of my life in an instant. My partner's love for me was dependent on her kids' love for me. She lacked the insight to understand that they weren't going to bond with me or anyone who wasn't their dad., in their case. I now live in an apartment, alone, and still heart broken after 2 yrs. My ex never took no responsibility that she created this mess, and blamed me for not bonding with her kids. I did everything I could think of to bond with them since the first year, but they wouldn't let me in. Not worth it! Most SM's lack the insight to understand that when the kids aren't willing to bond with a stepdad, it does not matter who the stepparent is, they are not going to bond with them.
Everything you wrote about in the first paragraph is wrong. It's just your experience. You probably end up emasculated and abused because you're ugly or something.
Been there, done that, absolutely never again. The dating world is bad enough as it is. I don't need to tolerate being settled on after she gets ran through.
I love your videos and know you were a single mother. I'm in the never again camp, and I've told my son to avoid single mothers. I raised two step-kids from diapers who are adults now, and I barely have a relationship with them because they don't want to upset their mother. She wiped me out financially and emotionally. Single moms are not worth the risk.
I'm a single father who was with a SM for 8 years. I'm now an absolutely not guy, unless they're moved out (and self sustaining) adults. I was told I was raising my son wrong, while being good enough to take the kids to practice-but not having a single say in her kids. And wow did you hit the nail on the head with the not feeling welcome, or having a place for my things.
not feeling welcome or having a place for your things applies to all guys, even in a relationship where she's single no kids and it's your freaking house.
Yeah, not long into my last relationship/situationship, I got the, "so I guess you can move here now". I asked where I was supposed to put my stuff and where my kids were supposed to stay when I had them. Keep in mind that I work on cars, so I have lots of tools and lots of parts inventory in my garage and basement. She got mad and wouldn't even discuss it. Apparently I was supposed to drop my entire life to be what she wanted. It's always one extreme or the other. They either have nothing and expect you to provide everything, or they want you to give up everything for them, and they never know what they really want anyway, so you get conflicting signals, and whatever you do or don't do will be wrong.
55 years ago I married a single mom with two kids: 5 and 7.. We were both 26. My first marriage. Her second. I had a year of college left. She had graduated and was looking for a job as a teacher. Never looked back, didn't regret it for a minute. I adopted the children. They became my kids. We had one more. Was it perfect? Of course not, but we always came out of the storms holding hands.
I'm 39, eliminating Mom's from my dating pool limits options dramatically though it is really difficult at times. A lot of it is also amount of children dependent and as someone who isn't a Dad how willing they are to have children with me is another factor.
I'm 38, in the same boat. Honestly, I'd rather just be single than be that childless stepdad. This might come across as incredibly selfish, but I just can't justify putting in "Dad-level" effort (and costs) for kids that aren't continuing my lineage.
38 same boat as well. I wouldn’t date a woman over 32 and would rather be single for life than date or marry a single mother. I find peace in solitude so either I find a childless woman 32 or under or I’ll be single for life. I’ve accepted it will probably be the latter.
I'm 40 and it's the same for me. I was told: "Dude, you're old. Get use to single moms or die alone". I'd like to have my own kids, not raise somebody else's. Period. And if I can't find a nice woman under 31 without children who want something serious and want to have children in the future, then I'll die alone. I made my peace with that idea years ago. 🙂
There's one other issue with dating a woman with kids especially as you're in your late thirties. Is she's already had her kids so she doesn't want anymore. And I'm 39 I've never had a child. I would like to have one. But a lot of the things you said about the issues are so true. And baby daddy drama is a pain. I'm on the no category. And in my area that pretty much means my dating pool is about 5%.
I dated a SM for a few yrs planning to marry her, but I am so glad I never did.., and in fact I broke it off finally a week ago. I am a single dad with a son at similar age group as her kids, so it was very practical and convenient. ☝🏻 BUT…, IME following 4 yrs of dating…. My advice to ALL men is: DO NOT DATE A SINGLE MOM, it’s just not worth the effort, risk, rejection, meddling from X, and heartache (especially when her kids reject you) which WILL INEVITABLY follow. IMO success rate is less than 1%. Emily, MANY thanks for your content, I LOVE listening to your WISE words of wisdom..😊, and I appreciate how well you know us men..
There is a big difference between divorced single moms and ones that stumbled on their carousel ride, which are not to be taken seriously if that's the case. However the question of why you are divorced is a big deal. If it is finding yourself, new experiences, you were bored, he changed or any of that BS that signals to us you're not serious, are prone to bad decisions, and likely influenced by society BS and or friends. If it was because you cheated you get moved to the for fun category only because you'll do it again at some point; you're a bad bet.
Yeah, I have zero interest in dating anyone who got divorced for anything outside of infidelity, physical abuse (with proof and arrest records) and MAYBE gross mismanagement of the family’s money (like a gambling addiction). My exwife left because of her fe-fes and she missed the carousel.
I married a woman at 26 and she was influenced by her friends who were strippers. Her girlfriends told her to leave me because they were into the clubbing scene and I never wanted to partake and I also did not like them . So they saw me as a hardass and convinced her to divorce me and kick me out of the home
@@theeman5144 That’s another thing I’ve learned from dating my exes. Pay attention to the company she keeps, because she will be influenced by them. Seen it with my mom and sisters as well.
I have had married a woman with 3 kids. Started off great but the crazy exes caused constant issues and all her skeletons came pouring out after a while. Eventually after over 3 years she had an affair and that was that. I'd lean towards no but it depends on the person. The pool starts getting much smaller in your mid 30s unfortunately.
@@os8051I’m a 38 year old White man. I still sleep with 20 somethings. It’s not harder for us. As long as you don’t get out of shape and take care of yourself. Luckily for me I’m not overweight, above average looks and still have a head full of hair.
Dad always warned us about instant families. Only twice in my life have I been willing to date a single mom. Both were women I knew sense we were kids. I knew them as good as anyone can ever know someone. Both had very young kids. One, the dad had skipped the country on her. The other had left her husband because he was a drug addict. But I would not have if I had not already been a part of their kids lives. Attachment an care for the well being of the young children made the risk worth it to me.
My Dad did. He adapted me when I Was 5, and had 2 more with her. Ive dated a number of single moms, even married one. Very hesitant to do so now unless grown kids and out of the house. you will ALWAYS be secondary.
I married a single mom fairly young (we were both early 20s) and had a happy marriage until she passed away last year. The thing was, her son at the time was 1.5 years old, and the father was barely in the picture. I ended up adopting him, and i was essentially his father figure for his entire life. Nowadays...i probably wouldnt do that a second time now that Im raising two kids by myself. Mostly because raising potentially four kids would be too much.
I will NEVER date a woman with kids at home, grown-up kids who've left home okay but not still at home. But also, I won't date a woman who still has contact with her ex. Been there and done that. Never again. My heart was broken and shattered severely twice.
I fall into the "Will not date" a single mom. Girls usually end up with kids because of her 304 phase or she was in a committed relationship and still left the guy even though they had kids, and now he is her ATM. So huge red flag to me on both possibilities. I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior or accepting them. Then there is emotional baggage, ex-drama, attention split between you and the kids when they aren't your kids, the headache of being a stepdad-like figure and if you make a bond with her kids and she leaves you won't see that kid again. Relationships are hard enough when it's just you and your partner now you're throwing in all these extra factors when you could just go date someone without kids. Above all else, this is a lot of negatives without "any" benefits that I can see.
So true. Dated a women with kids and grandkids. I as always last in line. Her kids were both grown adults but they were codepedent on each other. Always a lot of drama. Always had to check with her kids first before she could commit to do someting. Even then could not be sure if she would show up. Told her many times that I'm always 7th in line and am never a top priority. She couldn't understand why the relationship didn't last.
I was widowed last year at age 37. I hope people consider the factors as to why people are single when they plan to date rather than just being a single mom. I was happily married until he passed. Now I just hope there’s a nice guy willing to take the chance with me and my three kids.
I am divorced due to domestic abuse. I've found that men see widows differently, since you stayed to the end... loyal. I'm often told that I'm lying & that I divorced for frivolous reasons. I do hope you find someone who will love you & your children just as much as your husband did! 🙏🏼🫂
Your main problem other than the kids is going to be holding the next man to the same standards, and possibly comparing the new guy to your husband and you will never ever be able to give a man your whole heart because it rightfully belongs to your late husband that’s hard to deal with for a guy You’re probably best off waiting to date until your kids are grown and you have had maybe even more time without your late husband then you were married to him .
I don't want to date a single mom. Her kid(s) didn't come from me, and I don't want to be reminded of that every single day, that she did better than me to have her kid(s). It's a respect thing for me, knowing that she still has options that she probably won't lay down, like her ex. I also want to deal with the heartache that if we breakup, and I've put in all that work to bond with her kids, I lose them too. It's not in the cards for me.
My husband dated a single mom before he met me. Everything in that woman’s life was about her kid to the detriment of the boyfriend and everyone else. And this wasn’t a small child either. He was a teenager at the time. Now, my husband moved from Los Angeles to Western Washington State and we’ve been married 21 years. The kid of the last girlfriend? He’s 50 years old and still living with mommy.
My sister is a single mother with a 19 yrld son. He still lives at home , no job. She does everything for him. I'll bet he will still be there in 30 years time.
As a single dad, providing a warm and stable home for my kids that is safe and drama-free is paramount. My plate is already full with helping with kid's homework, meals, cleaning, laundry, shopping, budgeting, cooking, fun activities, work, and having all the kids (regardless of age) all have to help out and contribute to the household. Things are running smoothly (for now- just wait i have teenagers ;)... and there is no way i want to bring a drama queen or another dependent into my life. I am divorced and life is very good now. It's at times difficult but oh so very rewarding. I have only dated 2 women in the past 10 years and think it's best for the kids and my own sanity to stay single until they are all adults. No Drama. No pressure for things i don't want. I get the best job in the world 🌎... to be the dad i never had. XOXO kids.
I did it . She was bpd ,cheated often, etc I got along with the kids really well ! I finally had to walk away I have never spoken to the kids since. It’s to hard. I would rather stay single than go through that hell again.
same, i still actually get depressed and worried for her kids and how she neglects them. So, a few times a year the Hell returns for a day or two until I pray very deeply.
As someone who has in the past tried to date a couple of single moms but never got anywhere, reading these comments made me realize why I should be thanking whoever is up above watching out for me. Praise the lord.
11:33 of your video, that's what happened to me. I was last on her list and her kids will always be first no matter what the situation was. I tried for years to make the list and failed! Then, I woke up one day and realized that, I'm trying for something that I'll never get! I had a talk with her and she didn't understand why I was leaving after I had already told her why. And, also, her kids hated me and they told me that I would never be part of their family. The kids were 4 and 6 at that time. I loved them but, it was not being reciprocated back the same.
I hope you weren't married. You did make the best long-term decision for your benefit statically. I suspect your leaving was always on her mind but on her terms. Your decision to exit on your timetable though upset her agenda.
Also she understood perfectly what you were telling her. She was playing a game. If she truly loved you, she'd have changed her tune right then and there to keep you around; instead she pretended ignorance. She was only ever using you. Sorry bro. I'm glad you got away though.
Happy to hear you had the self respect to get out of a bad situation. You did your bit, and put the effort in. But at some point you have to call it, if its not getting reciprocated. Respect brother.
I dated and married a single mom who had a late teenage son. Never again. While he wasn't necessarily a bad kid, he had issues and I didn't agree with his mother's lack of discipline and lack of structure. She ended up divorcing me anyway and I ended up with a single woman with no kids 6 months later..
Thank you for stating women should put man first when married. I want to add that I recently decided not to date women with kids. Here's my advice for women. Even if you think your kids come first don't act like that and state that in front of the guy or mention all your other priorities. Always make him "feel" like he is a priority even when first dating. Just get a baby sitter and find a time to be available. If you play hard to get with kids, you will be left behind for a woman who makes herself available. Don't date if you don't have the time. Also, if you don't flirt with a guy in texts or in person he will walk even if you like him. This was a great video! All true and validated mens opinions! Thank you!
I was not going to make a comment until the very last thing you said about the single moms that have their kids all the time. I now have my son full time without help, so I’m in the same boat as those 24 hour single moms. My son is also special-needs, so that adds another layer of difficulty to the situation. Don’t forget about us.
Dating a single mom can be either brutal or bliss. I dated a single mom for the first time last year. She was amazing and had the most wonderful little girl. I admit it was strange at first but after awhile I started really connecting with her daughter and she noticed. Well, after 6 months of dating it seemed like everything was going absolutely amazing, or at least I thought. You see, she was a dismissive avoidant with not only severe unprocessed childhood wounds but also pretty severe wounds from an emotionally abusive long term relationship with her ex. I tend to lean on the anxious side with my own wounds that I have been actively working on for a year and a half. So she ended up keeping EVERYTHING inside that bothered her about me and engaged in flaw finding when she got too overwhelmed. In the end she gave a few bs excuses, completely fixable in my opinion, why we couldn't be together. That was several months ago and I'm still a bit messed up. Not only did I lose her but I also lost her amazing daughter. At this point, I'm not sure I could ever date a single mom again. The last one was just so painful that I never want to go thru that again. However, I am 35 and the chances of finding another woman who has their life reasonably together, that I connect with, AND no kids I feel is slim to none. The video gets it completely correct when she said that dating in your 30s and 40s in today's world is brutal because it DEFINITELY is. So I guess I'm sharing my story as insight and caution to those considering dating a single mom. Every situation and person is different and god bless you if you end up in a truly amazing relationship that really works but just be weary that things can go south and you don't just lose your partner but her children as well that if you were ever serious, you formed an attachment to as all. Good luck out there gentleman, you're going to need it!
Did you find out maybe their was cheating on the background? Was her B.S excuses just b.s.. Often dishonorable women (,and men) will blame their own crappy 😊 unfaithfulness on the cheated partner be cause they can not take the blame for their own rotteness
@@Laura-cx7jj i don't think there was cheating. She was very faithful while we were together. She's just crippled with childhood trauma, very abusive ex husband trauma, doesn't know what she wants, 2 other failed relationships, then now this winner she's with lol. Guys a raging alcoholic and so was her ex husband so I'm sure it's familiar. I didn't drink and I'm really starting to think that bothered her. Whatever, she's out of my life and has been for a year and a half. It still hurts and I'm riding solo still but I'm accepting it more and more. I think I'm just opting out of dating for the foreseeable future, there's just not much for decent women where i live. They're all riddled with trauma or just nasty, druggies, etc etc. I'll just do my own thing, better that way and can't be disappointed!
Absolutely no for me. Been there done that. Top issues: Time, Priority, Privacy, multiple baby daddies, compared to them, too much drama OMG and so much more. Too stressful... Not for me. Im currently engaged to a young lady with no kids and no drama.
My take in a relationship: Plan to give 60% and expect 40% back. 50/50 seems too ideal, and hard to meet in the middle. It takes both sides of the relationship to make it work. It takes effort on both sides. So if both parties actively give 60% of what they perceive as possible, and only expect 40% back, then both sides will be able to co-exist in a meaningful way. That's some great advice you gave. I don't know how your shorts and now videos started popping up in my feed, but it works for me to listen to someone sensible talk about these difficult situations with critical reasoning. (I completely agree with the drama-free ex and the kids-free time as being important factors in this situation.)
30 years ago I did date single mothers. One was interested in marrying for money so when a guy 15 years older than her and had a bigger house asked her out she was gone. The others said they would not give me a child. One lady yelled at me because my will listed my nieces instead of her kids. Back then step fathers were not required to pay child support in a divorce in Canada. Because of the child support rule I would advise men to avoid single moms. I have friends who had terrible experiences with single moms. The step children vandalized my friends house that he shared with the gf and her kids. Another guy was an ATM and a beast of burden. When a woman says her kids come first she is also saying that the man comes last and that he is loved the least. In the 1800s a women with children was more eligible than a woman without children because her kids could do farm chores which brought wealth to the couple.
same thing happened to me except he was 10 yrs older and an alcoholic. Last I heard she married him LOL. I find it satisfying to know she got what she deserved.
wait so...the kids vandalized their own house? the step children vandalized your friends (their stepfather's) house, that he shared with his gf (their mom)?
Excellent points, but one positive note on dating a woman with kids I have experienced is that you get to see her parenting style and what kind of mom she is. That can totally be a deal breaker or deal sealer.
I really enjoyed this video, you outlined the main concerns and thoughts that I think most men have very well. Two other points I’d like to add: 1) “my kids will always come first”… this isn’t just a vibe men are getting or a message they are hearing, it is being stated & exclaimed EXPLICITLY by many single mothers on dating apps or when they first meet. No better way to indicate that you’re emotionally unavailable. 2) my reason for not wanting to date a single mother is a little more nuanced than what you pointed out… although you list off the challenges in dating a single mother very well, & ex drama is a BIG part of it, but in my mind it’s similar to saying “let’s have a kid together, and THEN figure out if we can have a relationship on top of that.” It immediately makes the relationship more complicated, because unlike a couple who may take months or years to decide if or when they want to have kids together, that decision is already made for you before you even enter the relationship, and you now need to figure out how to have a relationship with multiple people, AND somehow find time to get to know each other and have a relationship just the two of you. It’s like working in reverse, which is incredibly difficult to do.
I completely agree with your comment.... I am a lady with no kids that could be dating a man with kids... I completely agree with what you're saying except flip that situation around. When a man or woman says their kids come first.. It tells me they're emotionally unavailable and don't have room for a Partner
i was in a relationship with a single mum and i gotta say it is not easy.imagine not being allowed to tell the kid/s off for doing something bad and the kid/s taking advantage of that and that was when i split,she can keep her little angels.i doubt i would date a single mum again
What a great video! I’m well past the age of a new relationship even if my wife passed. But, I lost my mother at 14 years old many years ago and my father remarried quickly and it was a disaster for me. You talked about so many great things that I’m fairly certain don’t happen in the single mother dating world. Firstly, I think most single mothers just aren’t mentally mature enough to even understand the basic concepts you just discussed … ie, eventually the new man has to come first. There’s always room in your heart to make more love, but there’s a fixed amount of time. Your children still need your time and a great step dad will share most of that time, but there’s got to be step dad first time.
I dated a single mom in my mid 20's. Never thought I would do this, but I found myself attracted to her. She was a lot of fun and was really easy to carry on a conversation with. Looking back, there was probably some degree of compassion for her situation on my part. Her son was 3 at the time and he thought I was awesome. Things started off great. But then I started seeing some red flags. She had a history of basically throwing herself at guys. Then, when they got attached, she panicked and would ghost them. Apparently, one of the guys ended up stalking her. Also, when asking about her divorce, she seriously said that she was the perfect wife and that the fault was 100% with him. Sorry, but there's no way. All this showed me was that she hadn't learned anything from the situation. At one point, she started ghosting me. But as soon as I was on the verge of giving up, she would start getting all friendly again. After several cycles of this, I couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. Anytime she called and left me a message, I just deleted it and didn't respond. It sucked, but it was what I needed in order to heal and move on with my life. Interestingly, we connected a couple of years later. Only I was in a much better place then. She tearfully apologized for how she had treated me. I told her (truthfully) that all was forgiven. No hard feelings and I wished her well. I've been married for 20+ years. She was never married before and had no kids. So, if I were single, would I consider dating a single mom again? I don't know. Maybe. I guess it depends. There are certain things I would look for. What was the reason for her divorce? What did she learn from it? Has she allowed herself adequate time to heal and to deal with any baggage from that relationship? Just a few things that come to mind.
I recently had a similar experience. She was really into me but started this cycle of breaking it off and reconnecting a week or two later until the ex raped her one evening after she broke it off. She was traumatized and I gave her another two cycles before blocking her. Never been with a single mum but that was incredibly draining so I won’t be dating one again
I am a full time single dad. I have and will again date women with or without kids. Experience has given me pretty good ideas of things that can create issues and ideas for working around or knowing early whether it is best to walk away from the relationship. It is difficult enough finding a good match, I am not going to let something arbitrary impede that. At the end of the day, all kids deserve supportive adults in their life whether they are biologically related or not.
When I was 20, I took a single mom of three very young kids out on a date. I was the first guy she dated after her divorce. Three yrs later we got married. I treated the kids as if they were my own. Thirty-three years later we’re still together and very happy! All three kids have grown up to be men with great families of their own. I guess things in the dating world have changed a lot since then, or maybe I just got lucky.
I met a woman when I was 42 and she was the same age she had 3 kids 18,14,13 and it was difficult at times we were together for 28 years until she passed away and it took awhile but they did call me dad after awhile on their own now I have 5 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren it wasn't easy but worth it
@@Lila77722 I had 2 of my own but I haven't seen them for a long time it was a bad divorce I only saw them when both of my parents passed away my ex poisoned their minds I still love them but I live 1500 miles away
@@-whackd they are mine I have been around their parents longer than the abusive dad's and they call me dad and you don't everything in the dynamics of the family
As a male whom grew up in a household where the father figure left when I was a young age, leaving me with a train wreck party tramp for a mother who lived out of her moneyed parents' pockets (up until I got out @ 17), I cannot give a non-jaded answer to your question, as my experiences have kept me _OUT_ of both LTRs and marriage - as well as being careful _NOT_ to bring any children into this world! Therefore, I think after all that, you pretty much already _know_ where a single mother is going to automatically stand in my eyes!
The problem with the modern single mom is that her kids come first. I'm a firm believer that the union of a man and woman trumps the relationship of mother and child. If your kids, who will live with you for 18 years, trump your husband, who will be with you for life, then you're not for me.
Amen! And you will sound like an a-hole to most people when you say that out loud. There’s no way a relationship can be successful when only one adult is prioritizing the other, and one is being treated like the last man on the totem pole.
Yes and no. Absolutely, 100% couples who have kids need to spend time without the kids to focus on their relationship. They should be a united front against whatever problems the children have. But when that couple decides to bring a tiny, helpless life into the world they also have to put their own needs aside and provide for that life. That level of need and care diminishes as the child gets older obviously. Newborn babies come first out of sheer necessity. I’m not going to get into the ‘do you love your kids or your partner more’ tangle. Those are different types of love. Obviously in cases of abuse the parent whose not being abusive should remove the child from the abusive one. And the above mess of problems is when the partner is the child’s biological father. Someone that presumably wanted them. (Side note, I’m finding it a bit creepy that you mentioned mother and child but not father and child. Dad’s are extremely important.) Adding a step parent is an even bigger problem. I don’t even know where to start to with that.
@DestinyHime the conversation was about single moms. Look at all the excuses you made. Notice how you excluded women from being the abusive partner? You women that sleep with any man out there and then act surprised when you (deliberately) end up pregnant with the child of a man that didn't want you are the problem. Find a man that is worthy of being a parent. Then, love him. Everything else will sort itself. Seriously, rewatch the video. The conversation is about single moms on dating sites.
I have to add, if more women were like you there would be a lot less divorce in the world. You are level headed and understand that life is not about a fairy tail, but rooted in everyday life that makes the world go round.
No. People today have NO idea just what the wedding vows are, or what they mean; which is why so many of you foolishly believe you can write your own. No, no single "moms."
Sadly marriages as disposable of a commodity as anything nowadays I think it's interesting to know that back when it was more common for people to wait till marriage to have sex and to not live together till they're married that divorce rates were not that high Now that we have the society where it's considered socially acceptable to get all the benefits of being married without being married it kind of makes you wonder why divorce rates are through the roof
Dating a single mom is disgusting and also embarrassing for the guy. I straight up get 2nd hand embarrassment anytime I see or hear about a guy with a single mom
@@Bennysolno I'm just calling out the truth there are plenty of legitimate reasons not to date a single mother but yours about embarrassment is not one of them I can't help it I have this condition where I have to call out nonsense
Yes. Everyone deserves to have someone love them. Though learning their story may help you be aware of what happened. Also, I'm a single father but my child lives in another city with his mom. Honesty between potential couples is so key. If you can identify mistakes or what went wrong and learned the lesson, that is gold.
I agree with micadavis here. Things happen, people make mistake and the Ones that are worthy of our time is the ones that has not Not Ever made mistakes. But admit everyone has, and you find those and learn from them and grow. Those are a worthy partners. And some of those possible partners are single people w/kids
If a mom says that she puts the kids before her husband this is bad even when the man is actually their biological father. He will be feeling that he has been demoted to a provider for a family that doesn't actually include him, especially if she doesn't let him play an active parenting role. Even if he doesn't leave out of frustration he will be feeling like a fifth wheel. Also, if the mother is in good terms with her ex there is always a chance of him returning, in which case you will be simply discarded and you won't be able to do or say anything about it, after all he is the real father of the kids. That can hurt because it will feel like being told "your services are no longer required" and this is painful to men. You will feel used.
How would a guy ever feel respected when a single mom will ALWAYS put her kids before him. Who would want that situation? Only desperate men would accept this.
USA is the only place on Earth where putting your romantic partner is more important than your children. Everywhere else in the world the children come first. If you think this is bullshit check the laws about free days after a death of a close one.
The single mom will also create a fight with the new boyfriend to slip away and get naked with the ex. When you knock up a girl, she always belongs to you.
Actually the problem with SMWKs is they have a tether to her previous relationship and that Ex is going to be around and she chose him first so the physical attraction is still there, regardless of how it ended. I've heard many stories about single moms cheating with their ex despite claiming that their new husband is the love of their life.
I am presently married to a lady who had 2 children at home and 3 adult children. We have been married for over 34 years. I still get a good feeling every time she walks into the same room as me. 😊
You're brilliant, on point, beautiful and an awesome advocate for "good men!" I'm a military man that stepped into my step-daughter's life when her father refused to live up to his duties. It was some of the toughest years of my life having to make decisions for another man's offspring while making my own children with her mother. There were days I wanted to hand her over to her father and be relieved of her issues. Only when she put the whole family in jeopardy did we make plans to get her father involved to take his responsibilities more serious. Those years taught her how good she had it with me. Now that her father has passed from drinking himself to death, she's acknowledging all the work I did to help her be the best person she could be. If I had to make the choice to be a step father again, I'd have to say I would choose not to. But, I love my kids, ALL of them, and will forewarn my son about choosing that path; just as I forewarn all my junior Marines and Soldiers about the strength it takes to make it.
Or maybe the father is still raising his kids and he just divorced mom. My ex is a single mom, I have custody of both my kids. No man needs to do anything for my kids. And I'm obviously not alone.
Truth is you will never be their priority. The child/ children comes first. And you can just call her to come over your place anytime to come spend the night👍👌💯
I dated and married a single mother. The biological father was out of the picture. I was without any children. Probably the worst decision I ever made. I knew going in, that I was never going to be the priority. But after 7 years of marriage, that lack of priority grew into an untenable situation. Went from being #2 to 3,4,5,6,7. She describes the situation precisely.
If the man doesn't come 1st to a woman then the relationship will fail. I met a woman while out and expressed interest in her. She made it clear that her kids came first. Judging by her behavior I knew I was going to be in 3rd place. Her kids were 1st, 2nd her, 3rd me. I wasn't going to put up with that and walked away. I wish I had kept that standard cause later I had relationship with a single mother that I end up regretting and she end up being a 304.
@@thystaff742 they're all 304's. They look at men like suckers and ATM machines on top of what Uncle Sam is handing out at the welfare department. If you can't afford more than what the government gives single moms as freebie she'll stay married to Sam. What self respecting man wants to afford that when he has his own goals!
Always going to be my kids (full-grown and out of house on their own). This was a major point in the end of my last long-term relationship. I was even told if I moved into her house and split mortgage payments, if she died her home would go to her kids. There was no compromise or consideration for my security, needs or feelings of being a 3rd class citizen in the relationship.
I'm going to overshare a bit. I dated a single mother out of highschool she had a newborn that I consider my own. Long sad story short at 14 months our daughter threw up and aspirated in the crib. When you have to watch your daughter from outside the hospital room because you are not the biological father, when you have no medical say so when they pull her off life support because you are not the biological father. I pray noone faces the same situation. Trying to date after that was near impossible, too awkward a situation to explain too painful to not seek comfort.
I briefly dated a single mom and her young daughter who was five years old who wanted me to be her dad, badly. I was not ready. I felt horrible guilt when I ended the relationship. I never dated a woman who had a child after that experience.
@@chrism4008sounds like he backed out at an appropriate time, and didn’t develop a false bond with the kid. He said he wasn’t ready. What’s wrong with this?
@@JackBirdbath He's right. He dated the mom knowing that the child didn't have her biological father it seems. What kind of bond he thought he would have with the little girl?? Of course she would see him as his dad. And it's fucked up because even if they didn't have a bond, the girl obviously had the "hope" for a father figure with him. But he left. He shouldn't have dated the mother in the first place.
My ex was a single mom when we got together, and we were together for fifteen years. We had a great relationship, and I consider her child my kid even today. Yes, the relationship ended, but I wouldn't change how it played out.
@Dosbomber He was 18, and even though his dad was around and they had a good relationship, he's still my kid. And always will be. I was there every day, and I made that choice to be there.
But did she give you a kid? You do realize that most men want their own children, and most single moms aren't willing to provide that. The biological desire for a guy to spread his genes will never go away, so I won't abandon that to raise another dude's genes.
@@Leonhart_93this is a very general way of looking at it. It differs from person to person. Its not always that they don't want to. Sometimes they can't, sometimes you can't or don't want to. So its not a one size fits all situation. When you spend so much time with someone you care for deeply they become family. That love you have does not go away or leave when they leave. That said, all children leave the house eventually and then as time goes by you see less and less of them anyway.
@@christophervanheerden6499 There is an interesting statistic that says throughout history around only 40% of men reproduced, while 80% of the women reproduced. Some men have like dozens of kids to balance the statistic. Even today, those that manage to reproduce have what it takes, aka are a bit more selfish with their desires. Like I want MY kids, not raise someone's that just bailed. Society will always want some men to sacrifice themselves to care for these children, but I won't be one of them.
I tried it a few times. It only makes things worse. And these were grown kids around 18 years old. Some of them even in their twenties. One of the women went so far as to move her children in with her but refused to live with me. If you want to be a mama's boy and do that and the mother would rather live with her child and emasculate him then she's only emasculating her man. But when I left her she tried to get her son to call me to come back. What kind of craziness is that? I had to explain to her son the kind of mother he had as a man. And he totally understood and apologized to me.
Some things you said Emily had me thinking of something heard with some women talking once on some show on RUclips. One of them was a single mother who found a man and I think was engaged or eventually married him. One of thee things she said is that when she put her kids first it caused problems in her relationship. A big thing was that it was like she didn't trust him to have authority over her kid and it did nothing but push him away at almost every point. It also showed her kid to be disobedient to him. Ya know the "you aint my dad" attitude. It wasn't until she acted in a way of him having complete authority over her and her child, so as to show that she trusted him and his decisions, did all of this discord subside. And I think that is part of the problem many men have with single mothers. They kind of want to be in charge or in the very least seemingly want to arbitrarily decide when, where and how the man gets to be in charge. Likely part of the reason why a woman likes a guy, in the first place, is because he shows masculinity and thus an ability to take charge. To attempt to frustrate that is to step on his toes. It takes two to tango and it looks most beautiful when the man leads and the woman trustingly follows. If she does not trust him then why even tango in the first place?
Bingo and the dilemma is that man that are put together for that level of performance and leadership are better off or capable of getting a younger childless woman so why choose extra stress. As perfect as they may be you will run into more resistance bc everyone is fighting biology. Dont save them fellas they want to do the alpha seed beta bucks we have to force them to course correct the hard way. Men lead women follow thats nature optimized.
Emily, I was a single father, my ex had custody, and just because we were divorced didn’t mean I stopped being a dad. The marriage was very dysfunctional and I was a mess mentally. I felt the “stigma “ of being a single parent in my mid thirties and wanting to have a special person in my life. I think the fact that I was a parent might have led me to date single mothers with kids. I dated 4 during the 4 years of being single. I liked them all and could have seen a life with any of them but first I had to learn to like “Me” again let alone love another. I purposely kept sex out of these relationships, as I felt , in my case, it would detract from what I wanted in a marriage. I don’t know how any of them felt about this and I never brought it up. What I found out was they. We’re all in different parts of their lives. Three had been married and one hadn’t. Where I was didn’t mesh with whichever one I was dating at that time, that added to the confusion because I wanted to know them first before intimacy got involved. One thing I never had any difficulties with was their relationship with their children &/or how I fit in. I knew that eventually it would be just the two of us as the kids would move out and have their own lives. All were educated, competent levelheaded parents but we just weren’t on the same pages. The irony is that I married a woman I met at church who was single never married and never had children. Just the reverse of what you’re talking about in this video. The challenges we faced was how she and my daughters would interact. And there definitely were challenges! But we’ve been together for 36 years and while at times it hasn’t been easy, we worked together, the four of us, and we are a family with quirks like any other family, and she’s a grandmother. Has been for 29 yrs and and enjoyed it for the most part same as stepmom. Bottom line to all this was I can’t control or think for her or the girls, I really wouldn’t want to either, we work out whatever gets in our ways and I don’t get in between any issues between any of them.
I tried dating a single mom a few times. Was fine until her son got rebellious with me. I didn't put up with it and she pampered him to harm of our relationship.
You missed a HUGE one, Emily. I dated a single mother for three years. Her daughter was just a year and a few month at the time we started dating. I always wanted kids and I tried to keep myself from falling in love with the little one too quickly but I couldn’t help it.
I was there for her learning to talk, learning to write her name, potty training and so on. I was deeply in love with this little girl. My paternal instincts to teach, protect, provide kicked in and my ex allowed me to step into that roll. I loved every second of it. She became, to me, just as much mine as my own flesh and blood might be. Hearing her say I love you, could have pushed me to do anything.
Now, three years removed from the relationship, I hardly ever get to see her. I get sent pictures/updates every now and again. I get “Happy Father’s Day” texts from my ex. but I don’t get to be in her presence like I’d love to be. I suspect this has to do with my ex being engaged and serious with another guy, though that’s never been confirmed.
All I know is, at my ex’s whim, after 3 years of me being the man in the life of a child, which is a roll I’d always wanted, I was told we were breaking up. Answering a 4 year old’s questions about “where I went” was HEARTBREAKING. Absolutely something that has changed me forever. I get no parental rights. I have no recourse but to accept what happened and move on. As you can imagine, there is a HUGE hole in my life because of all that. She’s almost 7 now and hardly remembers my time in her life. She remembers bits and pieces and knows I love her, which I guess is all I get.
At 35, a lot of my friends try to convince me to let go of my “no kids” requirement, or else I may not find someone. But I just can’t do it. I know it’d probably vastly increase my chances.
But when you date a single mother, if you break up. It’s a 2 for one special on misery. Your heart gets broken, TWICE
AKA you were used as free nanny care till she felt you served your role well and gave you the air badge of honor and then went on her merry way
Golden rule #1 of women. “What can you do for me”. Not what can we build together. How can we be a team. What role do I need to play in this
AKA all men are used to varying degrees. And I’d highly suspect the actual father got to unloaded and so target practice at night for free because he was chad that didn’t have to do anything. It was you raising the kid right. It was you putting in finances. It was you putting in the energy. It was you having to go to work to provide. .
I was not with a single mother for that long but went through similar. When the woman decided to break up, it was losing the kid that hurt. After going through it twice I swore off single mother's.
I feel ya. I married a single mom. I helped raise my step-son for nearly half his life (I knew him from 6-13 and raised him in marriage from 8-13).
When she split over a year ago, she blocked my number on his phone and the only time I got to see him again was when I ran into them at a restaurant about 6 months ago when I was out with a friend.
I was a good step-father and right before she left, my step-son gave me this lingering bear hug, because he knew before I did that she was leaving. I never even got to say goodbye...I thought he was just going for a week at his dad's house over the summer.
So yeah, we have no parental rights as step-fathers, and if we get divorced, we might just lose the kid forever.
@viperpit-lr2rp It tends to be a vicious cycle. Guys are used, abused, and chucked aside so they go and do the same to the young girls who throw themselves into relationships without any logic or reason. Then they grow up and selfishly do the same thing they complained about. Then the next group of men learn to do the same.
Both genders need to just knock it off. Well, it ends with me, at my feet. I refuse to pick up the abuse and continue to pass it on to the next cycle.
Isn't it also possible to get sued for maintenance in some places? Insane and obscene, even though the child isn't yours. Though not a surprise in this revolting joke of western culture.
Dating any woman is dangerous enough without throwing a child that is not yours into the mix. I’ve dated two single mothers. To say they were huge mistakes would be an understatement. Being in a relationship with a SM usually means that your status will never be more than an ATM. “They’re my kids so stay out of it.”
truth
That's how I felt when I dated and married a single mom
And why should anyone doubt the judgment of a man willing to generalize about an entire group of people based on his experience with 2 of them, and his complete unwillingness to consider his own contribution to those situations?
Can you even spell "selection bias"?
Funny how they're her kids when it comes to punishment but all of a sudden your kids when it comes to them needing something.
@@iceman_2360 Exactly.
Being a stepdad is the most thankless job in the world.
💯
Selfless sacrifice is an amazing virtue
How many socks have you got ?
My experience - the single mother has no appreciation for you raising her kids
All the bad things about being a father without any of the good things.
Dated a single mother, broke up several times, then ended up marrying her. Biggest mistake I have ever made. Went from having a home I felt comfortable in, to one I was walking around on eggshells.
The home went from always clean, to ALWAYS messy and dirty. Toys everywhere, dishes and food everywhere, everything that could be touched and moved was moved. I still can't find half my stuff.
Would never leave me with the children alone because of past traumas Sm had suffered and didn't trust anyone with them. Expected to pay for everything, food, clothes, toys, childcare, transport, etc. Accused of trying to take her children from her when I was just entertaining the children. Am I dad or am I (insert name here).
Children had their own rooms, would always be in our bed. Every night. Working split shifts, had to be up early and home late, spend the night getting kicked, ended up sleeping on the couch. Actually got sleep, she never even bothered to question it, so long as she and her child got sleep she was happy.
Older child would argue about everything, would swear, curse, hit, scream and yell. Would threaten to bash us, did in fact assault his toddler sister making her bleed because he couldn't control his anger about her TV show, or her singing or anything she did in general. I attempt to punish him, that makes me the worst human alive and she threatens to have me charged with assault.
Tells the children all of the issues and problems that we are having, but screams at me about arguing in front of the children, because there is no alone time to even deal with anything. Can't voice any problems because 'you married me, and this is how I am'.
Compares me to her ex, and how he showed her real feelings. (Was in and out of jail, had her in a woman's shelter because of abuse, beat the kids and regularly beat her, eventually got killed). I'm sorry I don't beat you?
The list is endless, what I do remember out of this experience, I was never first, in fact I didn't even register once we got married, I was expected to do the 'husband role' without her expecting to do any role at all. I was nothing more than a roof over her head, money in her bank account, cleaner and a taxi. Never again.
To top it off, now that she has left, I'm still expected to pay for her stuff, I have no contact with these children I was helping to raise, left with a mountain of debt and a hole in my heart.
Sorry to any decent single mothers out there, but these are some of the examples why men don't want to date you because we have had such a nightmare of experience previously.
This is why I won't marry my girlfriend of 9 years (single mom). We're too far apart in many ways. In fact, and I have told her this, the only reason our relationship works is BECAUSE we don't live together.
damn
Damn that sucks she never worked on her trauma and you had to pay the price for it.
Sounds awful!! Sorry you had to go through this and thanks for sharing!
You got a sucker...there are far better fish in the sea. 🤣
I used to be open to dating a single mom before watching this video.
After watching this video and reading the comments section, I have changed my mind.
Very wise !!
wise decision
Rational men who think logically exist in these comment sections, thus why your mind has been swayed for your betterment. 👍💪
This might have saved you , well done .
Over 90% of men who've been in relationships with single mothers regret it.
I'm firmly and staunchly in the 'HELL NO' category, because I've done it before and it was always a disaster. First off, if the ex is still active in the child/children's life (or could be at any time in the future), there are now three of you in the relationship (you, her, and the ex). She has a built-in sneaky link. She's holding the detonator for the relationship and she's probably not afraid to use it. You have the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Strike one. Secondly, there is never any appreciation for what you do for the children. Take them to school? *shrug* Pick them up after school? "AND?" Help them with their homework to give her an hour or so of peace? Don't care. But plan something and have to go on a business trip when a co-worker falls ill and OMG YOU ARE THE DEVIL. Strike two. Thirdly, there are still jurisdictions that can slap a man with child support for a child (or children) that aren't biologically his, simply because he "played the role of father" for a period of time. Strike three, I'm out.
I would rank losing the kids of my ex GF as being as heart breaking as my divorce or having my cousin die.... They called me dad and i was def becoming their dad/Father
and yeah, it also affectedmy finances a LOT, and i did NOT have to pay child support. Going to the movies cost $150!!!!!!!! I pay $0 ... i just dont go, lol
@@davidturner1641 Nope. Don't become attached to the kids. They might like you, and you might like them, but they are not and never will be yours. You're basically paying to babysit.
The Damocles Crusade
I don’t blame you. I don’t have kids and won’t consider dating a man with kids.
Had a couple really bad experiences and never again. Last one was the guy who refused to work once he got full custody of his daughter (her mom passed away).
We had been living together and all of a sudden all bills, house payment fell on me. He also wouldn’t help her with school. I went into so much debt trying to support 3 people on my medical tech wage.
I’m not someone who wants anyone “all to myself”. I LOVE alone time actually and am really good being by myself.
Don't date a single mom. Unless you are at least in your 50s and have kids yourself. Single moms don't search for love. They search for help.
That is gold
Or someone to use.
85% of all child custody goes to mom because men are trash.. I get it.
so even if a man is a single parent, he's forking out child support and Now he's gotta pay up a little here and there, to date you also.
That's a terrible generalization. You know for a fact that all single mothers are just looking for help or is that just your uninformed opinion because that's never been my experience?
@@xyzxyz6406 I don't necessarily agree with the conclusion, but, In life we have to generalize because we don't know every single person. Generalizing is a good thing, especially if it's based on a totality of experiences across a wider swathe of choice.
Why I stopped dating single moms: I already knew most of them were disasters to be avoided at all costs. Then I met Lisa, truly the apex of single moms. She had it all together, was functionally co-parenting with her ex, and was very proud of her son. We connected well, chemistry was good, and sex was great. But when I tried to have an open conversation about how we might negotiate the difficulties we would need to get through with her being a single mom and me a childless bachelor, she shut down and was almost indignant that my plan might be anything other than to fold myself into her life. She wouldn't negotiate, and we fell apart. If the best single mom I've ever crossed paths with by far won't negotiate a relationship, then I think it's safe to simply exclude the entire category.
Why would you "negotiate a relationship"? Just keep banging her ffs
I can definitely see your point.
You are applying the fallacy of one to all. You should not project this one woman onto all SMs.
The fact that she should would not negotiate (and was almost indignant) indicates she was an all or nothing stubborn person (which might explain why "she had it all together"). You were presenting her not only a reasonable approach, but a necessary one. Letting everything develop ad hoc will lead to chaos, disappointment, and a messy divorce. Good for you for holding firm. She clearly did not want a relationship with you. She just wanted a man who would let her always get her way.
Same. The BEST single mom I've ever known was someone who, it turned out, cheated on her husband while he was deployed. I was never in a relationship with her but I considered it...but I just wasn't attracted to her enough. I wanted her because I thought she was a good person. Not long after we stopped talking, she got pregnant by some guy on a first date and he of course didn't stick around. Even he was too pretty for her, despite his lack of height. So the best single mom I've EVER known now has 2 baby daddies. If she's THE BEST I've ever found in 33 years, I agree, throw the whole category out
Not to mention you talking about co-parenting with her ex, if a woman gets along well with her baby daddy there’s a chance he still may have had access to her sexually.
When a Chick says her kids/parents etc. will always come first is always a red flag.
After, "My kids are EVERYTHING to me," what is left for anyone else?
Do you think her saying that she prioritises some random newfound guy over her own kids is a green flag?
Putting your kids first is the right thing to do, it just doesn’t make the whole situation amenable to dating.
@@mark9294I'm only sharing my personal experience.
If you care about being a priority it’s probably best to never have kids because even if you had a woman and you started your own family, the reality is you will not mater anymore after those hideous children arrive
@@mark9294you’re missing the point. If he kids come first then remain SINGLE. They expect to be prioritized while making their partner 2nd, 3rd, 4th priority. No problem with making your kids your world just leave others out of it because a healthy relationship is about putting EACH OTHER first, doesn’t work any other way.
I'm another guy that learned this one the hard way. Never again. Spent five years building a life with a single mother of two. Built strong relationships with the kids. Got randomly told I was never there for the kids and she was out. I didn't break up with one person I broke up with three. I'll never invest a minute in a single mother again.
Totally done with dating single moms. The past trauma is too much to overcome in a relationship. We suffer because they wont get over it, and we have to bear the brunt of that trauma.
I would totally date a single woman if the father died and she was widowed. If she was divorced absolutely not.
Every woman and her situation is different. Your are stereotyping all single moms based on your limited sample of single moms. You don't say what sample size (2, 5, 10, or more) you are basing your conclusion on. Not all single moms will have unresolved trauma. It would be the same if she was divorced instead of widowed. Single moms have had diverse experiences separating from their ex's and are at different stages of recovery (if any) from their "trauma". It may take her years to resolve her trauma. If she has not resolved her trauma, she is not ready for a new relationship. So you are correct that you are not in a relationship to help her resolve her trauma, especially when she projects it onto you. That is what therapists and counselors are for. You need to determine at what stage she is in her trauma recovery. The easiest way is by asking her. So you need to compile a list of questions (you can probably Google for them) to understand her mental and emotional state. This will require extra effort from you, so you also need to determine if the characteristics a woman offers in a relationship is worth your effort. You should do that for all women. Just remember that "Every relationship has a set of unsolvable problems."
I recommend starting with the work of Dr. John Gottman.
fourminutebooks.com/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-summary/
Trauma is not something someone "gets over" - it needs a good therapist (often childhood trauma therapist, which are hard to find - think Patrick Teahan or similar).
That being said, of course while they didn't cause their trauma, they are responsible for healing it. I wouldn't date a traumatized woman who has not done therapy in a good enough way and expects her significant other alone to be in that role - it's harmful for both sides, not to mention the child. Obviously one should look for red and green flags, emotional intelligence, etc. in different situations and especially during conflict and its aftermath.
I would also get into consultation with a child psychologist, about how to interact with the child, since introducing step parents (especially too many or too soon) can be very traumatizing for the child.
@@maxp918I've known single moms who have had a revolving door of boyfriends, and it seriously messed up their kids.
However, the exact same thing can happen from a single dad going through a bunch of different girlfriends. Kids are young, inexperienced, and vulnerable. You need to prioritize them first.
100%
Good enough to give them a ride to practice, but not good enough to co-parent, while I had to hear how I was raising my son wrong.
I dated - and married - a single mom, and we just had our 35th wedding anniversary. We had our ups and downs, but never did she ever treat me like I was not the dad. Never did she treat me like I mattered less than her child. Her love for me and for her child was absolutely endless.
Her only flaw was horrible money management, and I battled with her for years and FINALLY got her to see the light. Now we are living very well in a very nice home, nice cars, financially we are a team, almost no debt, zero plastic debt, money stuffed in the savings accounts.
I would do it all over again, and I tell her often. She’s a wonderful wife, and it’s a blessing to have someone to grow old with.
You'd have an even better life had you instead chosen a woman who has no kids & is good with money.
Glad it worked out in your case! Takes a very evolved woman to allow you to operate as the man when it comes to her kids. 35 years ago I imagine times were different.
@@RobertTaylor-gz2fu riiiight. All the way up until you have a kid with that woman who is good with money and she gets bored and leaves you and takes child support for nearly 20 years. How well off are you then?
The great thing about my arrangement was my support for them both was voluntary. If she decided she didn’t like it, she could strike out on her own, but I would be walking away clean.
So I raised my stepdaughter from her infancy voluntarily and out of love, and today she realizes how much better her life was with me supporting her and her mom. And she loves me for it. She knows she’s lucky.
@@curtish2541 You're lucky it has worked out long term. However, you've spent a large proportion of your resources on someone you're not blood-related to, whom you have no rights over. That can't have been your original goal.
Imagine another dude blew out that vagina and it never fully recovers from that first kid and you took second to that saying it’s great 😂 unbelievable what simps will convince themselves of.
I'm one of those "Depends on the situation" guys. There are certain non-negotiables for me with single mothers now. I didn't always have those boundaries and unfortunately learned the hard way that they are necessary for me. The thing I didn't expect to sting as much as it did was losing my relationship with her son. I was there when he took his first steps, but a few years later the relationship fell apart so I know he doesn't even remember me. It felt like I lost my own child. The only silver lining is that I'm glad that he wasn't old enough to consider that he did something wrong or that I abandoned him and his mom. I can't blame guys for not wanting to take a risk like that.
What are your boundaries you mentioned?
I think if I do this again I won't build a relationship with the children for a significant amount of time. I have a friend who keeps her kid compely separate from who she's seeing. And I get why
@@ratamacue0320these are broad strokes because I don't want to type out a full blown essay on the subject. If any of it sounds harsh, there are most likely details that would (hopefully) make it seem less so. All of this is colored by growing up in a single mother household and my previous relationships with single mothers.
For starters, the nature of her relationship with her ex is important to me. I refuse to compete with anyone's ex, doubly so when it's the father of her child. I have zero problems with them having a cordial relationship and working together in the best interest of the kids, but it needs to stop there. If the ex's opinion is more valuable than mine, then I'm not going to waste my time trying to foster that relationship.
Also, I want to wait to meet her kids until I am ready. Until I'm convinced that the relationship is serious enough to be a permanent fixture in my life, her life and her children's lives, I don't want to form a relationship with her kids. It isn't fair to them, and it isn't fair to me. If I haven't decided before she brings up the idea, then I'll start to consider it and she has to be comfortable with waiting until I have made a decision. If she can't understand or respect my reasoning, I'm not the guy for her or her kids.
She has to make me a priority in her life. I don't expect the same frequency and type of access to her as I would a childless woman in the beginning, but she can't always put me on the back burner either because life as a single mother is difficult.
Until we are living together, I am not going to be financially responsible for her children. There should be zero expectation for me to pay for her children's food, babysitters, etc. Depending on what my relationship with the kids are like after meeting them, I will likely help out with that occasionally, but I will not have my generosity taken advantage of.
How her kids behave is also important. She needs to understand that my expectations for behavior deserves to be respected. If I think they are acting in a way that needs corrected, she needs to be willing to work with me in that regard. Just as she will most likely have boundaries for how she expects me to interact with her kids, she needs to respect that I have boundaries for how her children interact with me and in my presence.
There's other things but those are the major ones. There are other things that are far more negotiable, like her willingness to potentially have kids with me (age dependent obviously), open to my adoption of the kids (depending on the biological father's involvement), etc. None of that sort of thing are automatic deal breakers though like what I had already mentioned.
I think you need to date a few more single moms for that opinion to change. It took me 3. And I'll never waste my time again
Even being suddenly cut out of the relationships with nieces and nephews you’ve been close to for multiple years (and very important young years for them) is heartbreaking.
One of the biggest problems I've had with single mothers is that many of them become man haters and will take what their ex husband did to them out on you.
Many times it wasn't even a husband.
@@hansblitz7770 More like most of the time, not just "many times", and usually it's her unrealistic expectations that make her hate men, not anything men did wrong. There seem to be a lot of single or divorced women out there who are daddy's little princesses, and no man is ever going to be able to compete with daddy.
Even if their ex husband never “did” anything to them, they will take out their generalised hate, rage and regret on you
86% of women initiate the divorces. Meaning they're perfectly okay with destroying a family. I sincerely doubt that 86% of fathers/husbands are bad enough to divorce. As others are stating on here, it's female unrealistic expectations
Correct
I was married to a single mother. Her kid killed the marriage. She had an 11 year old daughter who thought mum was her own personal property. It had to have mums attention every minute of the day and used to cling and follow her mother everywhere. I've never seen such an old baby. And mum had to jump when the kid snapped its fingers or she would go into a screaming, stomping, door slamming rage, shouting ''mum doesn't love me any more''. My wife's primary relationship was with her kid. I was just the guy around the house who paid the bills. Never again.
Well it sounds like mom was not a good mom or her child would have learned that temper tantrums are not effective.
I dated a couple of single mothers. The second one I ended up marrying. We were together 5 years, almost two of them married. And I got the spill of they like this school and I’m not moving etc. Long story short, I felt like it was three against one on anything. At times, my thoughts and feelings and opinions on things didn’t matter ( even though I paid all the bills and ran on 5-6 hours of sleep every day).
She told me in February that she wasn’t happy and wanted out. I wasn’t expecting that. But as stated above, splitting up with a single parent hurts more because you grow attached to the children.
I don’t think that I would ever want to be in a relationship with a single mother again. I’m not saying that they are all bad. But guys beware. Be prepared for anything and everything if you decide to have a relationship with a single parent.
You didn't mention the most damaging part on yourself. How it felt on the daily paying for and raising the other man's kids..
@@eric3434 Exactly. Even if the dad is completely out of the picture, it's still her child, not yours. You get to do with that child what she wants you to do, not what you want to do or what you think is right. You're going to be nothing but an ATM to that child. I wasted years and thousands of dollars on an entitled princess who wanted me to be the substitute dad to her fatherless child -- as long as I was doing exactly what she said. My kids are now in high school. I won't date anybody with children that I'm going to have to raise.
If there's any consolation, there's very few clowns like you OP, she's unlikely to find another good man aka (🤡) to marry her. She's a single mom to a man... and now divorced to another man. She's done. Finished. Her goose is cooked. She doesn't know it but she'll find out eventually that she screwed her last chance at having a decent partner. It's 100% creeps and bottom of the barrel men for her from here on out.
They are all bad
I learned my lesson when a single mom that I was dating broke it off to get pumped and dumped by the Chad who knocked her up. I found out later that he just used her until he could get back together with one of his other baby-mommas. She knew he was no good, but that didn't matter, she wanted Drama. Never again.
You kept using the word 'date.' I would date a single mom to take to dinner, show, etc... but I would not marry. And you nailed it. If her kids come first, the guy will always be last and he'll probably be used as an ATM machine. I own my own home and I'd hesitate moving anyone in. I'm very non-trusting now. Thank you women!
Yes, dating is one thing, taking on her & her kids is another.
I dated a few single moms in my 20s and the issue I typically dealt with was that I needed to come in with all the standard men dating items: planning, paying, pursuing and so forth which was fine but in return, I had to wait an indefinite amount of time for responses, know I was definitely the last on the list of communication or planning, be more supportive than I normally would in dating and very little physical contact. It's tough for me to bond and develop feelings for someone I barely see or talk to BUT I better hold up my end or there is no chance either. Understandable for what single mothers have to deal with but the expectation on a man with no child needs to reasonable as well.
Oh my god, I hear you on the waiting and flaking, I was interested in a SM in the spring, I knew her from High School so at least I had a foundation with her but WOW, would her responses to me be all over the place. Sometimes within minutes other times she'd flake out for a week and I'd think she ghosted. Things really stalled early on, the kids weren't the ONLY thing responsible but they were a big factor.
It sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner. That and ghosting are two miserable ways women disrespect men when dating.
You need to compile your list of relationship boundaries (what is unacceptable) and standards (what is acceptable, but not expectations) and communicate them to her early in the relationship. Be reasonable and polite. If she does not accept the terms of the relationship you specify, then she does not want a relationship with you. Being proactive and assertive (not controlling) in this way she will respect you more, understand what behavior is unacceptable to you, and likely feel more attracted to you. If she wants the "planning, paying, pursuing" then she must respect you, your time, communicate without delay, and make time for you. If she agrees to your terms but later violates them, you must decide if you want to end the relationship.
There are many articles on the Internet for free explaining how to set boundaries and standards in a relationship. By communicating boundaries and standards early in a relationship both partners understand and agree to the terms of the relationship. This helps to reduce conflict and misunderstandings.
That sounds terrible. Don't date women like that.
Imagine that AND being a single (widowed) father of 3 kids too.
I literally have more on my hands than them and do more than they do.
I see straight through all their power play bullshit. And they can’t handle it.
I’ve married two single moms.
Kids were distant and rude and end up paying child support both times. Never again. And I’m going to remember this when I come back in my next life as well.
Hahaha you didn't learn the first time
You paid child support for step children?
Twice bitten? Wow!
Is that the law? Paying for children who aren't yours just because you married the mom?
@@rob21 I believe it is however I can't provide legal advice ask a lawyer
I've dated single moms and there's no short answer for how complicated this situation is to navigate. The only problem is how entitled women will act in this situation. The amount of grief they will give you, forgetting how you are putting her and her kids in your back.
Not only did I date a single mom... I married her. Of course I myself was a single dad. And that was 20 years ago. Were there issues with the kids? Yeah some, sure. But we really did live happily ever after. And now there are 6 grandchildren.
Congrats. You rolled the dice and got lucky. You beat the odds.
Agreed with the other reply. You rolled the dice and managed to roll a 7. The rest of us usually get snake eyes.
@@OldSaltyBear We dated for 3 years before getting married, so we knew each other super well. Maybe the dating was the risky part, but the marriage was the surest thing I ever went for.
That's fine if you're both single parents. In that way you're as equally damaged as she is. I will just raise my own children and not be a cuckold father to some other man's children. Are you counting grandchildren that come from the other man?
I’m married now and happily, but kids wouldn’t have been a deal breaker if the stars aligned that way, it just would have been admittedly harder to make work. My late grandfather (technically step grandfather but you wouldn’t know it) raised 4 kids that weren’t his own and taught them to be master plumbers. But in his case there was zero chance my biological grandfather would be a factor as he turned out to be a womanizing alcoholic deadbeat that ran off with the neighbors wife. Which might be the worst and best thing for our family as a whole because the same neighbor then married my grandma, a clear case of sometime the stars just aligning. RIP TW.
I have dated single moms in the past and I avoid it now. I suppose there are always exceptions but I have found those situations to be largely dissatisfying in the long haul. You will never be her priority, the time is often less abundant and less flexible, and you just don’t know what you’re getting yourself into from a drama perspective. I might feel differently if I was a single father but I’m not. I’d rather invest my time in someone who can reciprocate my energy/effort and doesn’t have significant challenges to maneuver around in life. Doesn’t mean I think single moms are bad people. Just not the circumstances I want to get into (doesn’t matter to me how attractive she may be).
I feel like it's a bit unfair to say that you won't get her time or her priorities when she has actual honest to god children to raise
@@aech_two_oh you are making excuses
@@aech_two_ohyou didn't make any sense. Tge fact she got kids to raise is the exact reason she doesn't prioritize you. Who would honestly want that?? May be harsh...but it's how it is
@philt9818 I guess sorry I'm being a realist? (Assuming you're a single father in this case) would you want a woman to be super possessive of you (wanting to take priority over your kids) and end up leaving you because you gave your kids attention instead of her?
@@aech_two_oh You’re kind of making my point. I don’t blame single moms for prioritizing kids… I totally get it. But that’s exactly why I don’t want to date them. If I’m not being prioritized, why on earth would I date/commit to that person? I’d rather be single and keep playing the field than to commit to a situation where I automatically know I’m going to be a lower priority
I've been there done that. Kids broke us up. Last time, I dated a single mom. Never, and I mean never again.
My mom was a single mom before my dad married her and they had me. She taught me never to marry a single mom. I think that speaks volumes.
Is he your biological father?
@@RobertTaylor-gz2fu yes
I have dated some beautiful women who were single mothers.when I met them it was hard to understand why they were divorced, why a guy would divorce such a beautiful woman , but these are the times we live in and I have learned it is very hard to satisfy them and I gave up years ago.
Its usually the woman doin the the divorces , look up the stats
If a man divorces them, there's probably a reason. But like kulentarin said in their comment, almost always it's the woman divorcing the man.
Why did she leave? Was he bad or did her infatuation of him run dry? How toxic was she? Maybe he was toxic and left scars on her?
"why a guy would divorce such a beautiful woman"
That's the blue pill mindset.
@@eQuariuzthe redpill isnt much better my friend.
Beautiful is cool , but you have to live with what's inside her. If she doesn't support you it's a losing battle.
My last girlfriend was single mom with two teen daughters. Never, ever again will I date another single mom. My ex gf refused to set any kind of boundaries with her girls. She allowed her daughters to openly disrespect our relationship and me as an individual just to be assholes. I didn't do anything to cause this. They did it because they could get away with it and they thought it was funny.They did things to try and break us up. And then their father was a giant ahole who never paid child support and decided he was gonna play tough guy and make disparaging comments to me through his girls. Mind you, I'm a retired Army Ranger. This guy was clearly intimidated by me despite me trying to be friendly with him and have the girls best interest first.
All of the constant drama ended up breaking us up after her older daughter falsely accused me of hitting her. she actually called the cops on me and tried to have me arrested. Thank god the mother defended me and told the truth about what happened. All three of them acted mental. I'm glad my ex decided to get therapy for herself and the girls after that. But it shouldn't have been at my expense and the expense of my relationship with their mother. Nope, I would rather be alone than deal with crazy bullshit and mental problems.
Something similar happened to me as well. I set boundaries after constant disrespect from her and she called LE on me because she was scared of my “voice.” She was striking me! I’m also a vet that doesn’t believe in violence.
I already have. Not doing that again. There’s only one that I was friends with that I could have dated but at the time I was against dating single moms. Also, I just wasn’t into her like that. She was a devout Christian and as far as I could tell, wasn’t really screwing around. She genuinely seemed to be waiting for the right man to marry. She’s since remarried.
The one I actually dated, yeah that ended in disaster. Definitely a good learning experience, although it didn’t feel like it at the time. Her kid was adorable though, which made the breakup a lot worse than it probably would have been if the kid wasn’t in the picture.
If you’re gonna date a single mom, you better make sure all or most of her past traumas are resolved.
I’ve never said “no” simply for being a single mother. But there have always been additional questions to deal with and hurdles to overcome that those without kids don’t have to deal with. For example: I was working on a career that could transfer me around the world, so custody issues could be big. There’s also the question of how she became a single mom-adopting, having a child out of wedlock, being divorced, and being widowed are all going to have different issues to sort out.
The main dealbreaker was anything along the lines of “my children will always come first”. Now…I would never be the “evil step parent” who comes in and tries to get rid of the kids, and I understand that kids need their parents around, so date night might be cancelled if the kid is sick. But I’m not willing to play third-, fourth-, or fifth-fiddle in the family with the kids always trumping me.
Switch it around for a single father who brings a new girlfriend into the mix. The new GF will expect to take priority over his kids in the marriage every single time.
@@NCPhilnotNPCphil And in the marriage, that should be the case. The parents provide that foundation of authority and (hopefully) stability that the family builds on.
That's why it's important to be very careful when kids are already in the mix.
@@waynegoodman3345 Bio Dad is a particular challenge. On one hand, as long as he wasn’t abusive, I wouldn’t want the kids to be cut off from their dad. On the other hand, I’d prefer to be a full-time dad rather than a part-time one who might get caught in a situation where he‘s competing with the other dad or the kids / mother are trying to play one man off of the other. That goes into that category of additional questions to ask and hurdles to overcome. I’m not only bringing the woman into my life. I’m also looking at bringing her kids in AND possibly the kid’s father.
That’s part of why I get irritated when some people seem to think it should be so easy to bring a single mother into your life. She’s looking at bringing one man into her sphere. He’s looking at bringing an adult, their children, and the other parent(s) of these children into his sphere. That’s a lot more to have to digest. It’s not as easy as hitting it off with someone you met in school and just having to deal with the two of you. (And, of course, this applies to single dads, too.)
If her kids don’t come first. She’s a horrible mother…
Just think on that. Not taking care of prior responsibilities and wanting it “all”
What happens is her even brining in other men. She’s exposing the kids to rounds of who’s this guy. What about joe where is he…
Yea she can absolutely keep men away from her kids. Then what situation does that put the kids in when she’s out with other men… of course the only expecting is if the kid is 15 and a brat at that point not wanting parents around.
It’s usually a lose lose 99% of the time for a guy
Raise another man seed
Get no respect for raising chads kid
Become an atm and babysitter
She’ll always care for Jr. Chad father
You’ll never have that blood / soul tie
You’ll be told “your not my dad”
You’ll have to deal with Chad if he’s in the kids life
AKA. If you love having no self worth. Self respect. Self esteem. Jump right in to the hole where Chad unloaded in night after night and then get to say yumm while being down there where he was doing target practice. That’s akin to showing up to a party and 10 people licked the pizza and you’re expected to be happy about eating that pizza ten people licked and touched before you got it. . . . . . .
@@ssing7113 What you're talking about is why I specifically included her including the word "always".
Yes, she should not be neglecting her kids for the sake of her dating life or living her life like her kids aren't there. She should be factoring her kids in, and I would expect that to include giving them priority during the dating process. Being a single parent (mother or father) means you have responsibilities and cannot be as haphazard with dating as a childless adult can.
But when they say the kids *always* come first, that implies this will continue even after saying "I do". THAT is where I believe the problem lies. If she keeps a "my kids always come first" mindset, she could easily make for a horrible wife because she's putting the spousal relationship below the mother-child one.
Responsibility with no authority and they get worse as they age. Constant competition between parents and then you. Run!
the "right situation" for me is so impossible that it wouldn't ever happen, especially where I live.
When I last had Tinder, many years ago, all it seemed to be was overweight single moms. I'm not super in shape myself, but I'm working on it unlike most of those women.
I'm not interested in having kids, never really have been, so having "instant kids" is not appealing to me.
I'm on the wrong side of 40, childless, and alone. And I'm enjoying it.
I prefer to date every female
Tinder is a cesspool of garbage females. Any girl decent looking on those only responds to Chad losers
I didnt fully understand the meaning of baggage until deciding to date a single mum once. Up until then I had only ever been with childless women. This SM was a pleasant person who ticked many boxes, but it soon became apparent that our relationship was dictated by and revolved around the child and the babydaddy's say, as he was still heavily involved in the child's upbringing.
I hypothetically asked her, if in the future an opportunity that advanced my career came around which involved relocation, would she move with me. She said no and would prefer I pass on the opportunity because it would disrupt the kid's stability (school, friends, extended family etc) and didn't want to take him away from his father which is more important. That was when I realised it is not in your best interests as a childless man to date a SM if you have goals and ambitions of your own as you essentially have to give them up for her and her kids (with another man) as a priority.
Single mums are a dealbreaker for me now regardless how good her character or how hot she is.
What you realized is wrong. You don't have to do anything for a single mothers kids except occasionally get them a babysitter so she can come over to let loose. Why are you even mentioning the kids, they have their own father.
@@-whackd Either you've replied to the wrong comment or misunderstood what I've said.
You might find another single mom who doesn’t have any of these restrictions. The father is gone…. She may actually want to move…etc…
@@garypierce7380 or just not date single mothers at all. It eliminates all these sort of scenarios altogether.
@@taridean That's your prerogative. If I was looking and liked a single mom, I personally would check her out before just banning all moms. These broad proclamations and stereotypes are kind of a joke.
Date. Be intimate and have fun with.
NOT MARRY.😮
Emily: You're a kind lady. You try to defend men. Most decent, smart and successful guys will not raise another man's kids. They prefer to start their own family with a single, no kids lady. My opinion😮
I wouldn’t say I’d be dead set against dating a single mom, but as a younger man with no kids of my own, I would much prefer to start a family of my own. To me I feel like being the step parent, your step children are never truly 100% yours. It would also depend greatly on the dynamic between her and her ex
As an old man who dated a single mom and who has siblings who are single moms, I can say 100% that its not just the dynamic between her and her ex that you need to take note of. Its also they dynamic between her and her ex's parents (the grandparents).
In my only relationship with a single mother, I was considered "step-Dad" until it came to discipline and expectations for the kid. They were living in my house, so I expected to make the rules. Yet those rules were undermined by his mother, the kids father and the father's parents in every way. Decisions that impacted my home were negotiated and agreed upon without my input or consent... and they all treated me like a piece of furniture in my own home. For example, her ex and his parents would enter my house without prior notice or even knocking. When I told them it was not acceptable... that I require they knock on the door and wait for me to answer... they acted like expecting such a simple show of respect was crazy.
Be dead set against it.
Run for the hills if a single mum comes your way, run son, run as fast as you can like Forest Gump, be Forest Gump, even work on a shrimp boat, go to Vietnam, be Forest Gump!
They are not truly yours, she will probably resent you for disciplining them in any way, and if you split up, you will probably never see or hear from them again.
It is NOT worth dating most single moms out there....chances are you will be emasculated, undermined, unappreciated, and disrespected. I want to be that next guy who dates the mom AFTER the sacrificial stepdad raises the kids and then gets axed out of their lives.
I sold my house and moved in with my girlfriend after 3 years of dating. She was the only woman with kids who I let into my life, and she became the absolute love of my life, even though she was an enabler. I grew to love her kids, even though they were a little bratty from the beginning. I had no power over the kids. The first 6 years (out of 8) were the best times of my life, but by the time the kids hit their late teen years, they believed that they were my equal and turned into horrible self-entitled, disrespectful brats. My stepson assaulted me when I confiscated his bong, and I was the one to be kicked out of the home! I was deeply traumatized, with only 4 days to move out. I lost an entire family of 15 people out of my life in an instant. My partner's love for me was dependent on her kids' love for me. She lacked the insight to understand that they weren't going to bond with me or anyone who wasn't their dad., in their case.
I now live in an apartment, alone, and still heart broken after 2 yrs. My ex never took no responsibility that she created this mess, and blamed me for not bonding with her kids. I did everything I could think of to bond with them since the first year, but they wouldn't let me in.
Not worth it! Most SM's lack the insight to understand that when the kids aren't willing to bond with a stepdad, it does not matter who the stepparent is, they are not going to bond with them.
Everything you wrote about in the first paragraph is wrong. It's just your experience. You probably end up emasculated and abused because you're ugly or something.
No sympathy it's your fault of being so stupid to not having the idea to build ur own family! ... My gosh SMH.
Been there, done that, absolutely never again.
The dating world is bad enough as it is. I don't need to tolerate being settled on after she gets ran through.
I love your videos and know you were a single mother. I'm in the never again camp, and I've told my son to avoid single mothers. I raised two step-kids from diapers who are adults now, and I barely have a relationship with them because they don't want to upset their mother. She wiped me out financially and emotionally. Single moms are not worth the risk.
I'm a single father who was with a SM for 8 years. I'm now an absolutely not guy, unless they're moved out (and self sustaining) adults.
I was told I was raising my son wrong, while being good enough to take the kids to practice-but not having a single say in her kids.
And wow did you hit the nail on the head with the not feeling welcome, or having a place for my things.
not feeling welcome or having a place for your things applies to all guys, even in a relationship where she's single no kids and it's your freaking house.
Yeah, not long into my last relationship/situationship, I got the, "so I guess you can move here now". I asked where I was supposed to put my stuff and where my kids were supposed to stay when I had them. Keep in mind that I work on cars, so I have lots of tools and lots of parts inventory in my garage and basement. She got mad and wouldn't even discuss it. Apparently I was supposed to drop my entire life to be what she wanted. It's always one extreme or the other. They either have nothing and expect you to provide everything, or they want you to give up everything for them, and they never know what they really want anyway, so you get conflicting signals, and whatever you do or don't do will be wrong.
55 years ago I married a single mom with two kids: 5 and 7.. We were both 26. My first marriage. Her second. I had a year of college left. She had graduated and was looking for a job as a teacher. Never looked back, didn't regret it for a minute. I adopted the children. They became my kids. We had one more. Was it perfect? Of course not, but we always came out of the storms holding hands.
it's different nowadays
Women where loyal back then, these days women suffer from the grass is greener on the other side syndrome
A lot of things were different 55 years ago. Anecdote does not equal data.
55 years of retroactive Cuckoldry.
Did the guy that ejacued inside your vvoman come around?
Did you guys hang out?
Yeah, it was very different 30, 40, 50 and 55 years ago though. I am glad you were all blessed.
I'm 39, eliminating Mom's from my dating pool limits options dramatically though it is really difficult at times. A lot of it is also amount of children dependent and as someone who isn't a Dad how willing they are to have children with me is another factor.
I'm 38, in the same boat. Honestly, I'd rather just be single than be that childless stepdad. This might come across as incredibly selfish, but I just can't justify putting in "Dad-level" effort (and costs) for kids that aren't continuing my lineage.
38 same boat as well. I wouldn’t date a woman over 32 and would rather be single for life than date or marry a single mother. I find peace in solitude so either I find a childless woman 32 or under or I’ll be single for life. I’ve accepted it will probably be the latter.
@@RoadskiNsmart
just go overseas. much simpler
I'm 40 and it's the same for me. I was told: "Dude, you're old. Get use to single moms or die alone". I'd like to have my own kids, not raise somebody else's. Period. And if I can't find a nice woman under 31 without children who want something serious and want to have children in the future, then I'll die alone. I made my peace with that idea years ago. 🙂
I married a single mom. I was a divorced single dad. She still cheated on me with her ex. It’s no good to date much less marry them.
Never, will I have anything to do with a single parent mother. NEVER 😮😮😮
There's one other issue with dating a woman with kids especially as you're in your late thirties. Is she's already had her kids so she doesn't want anymore. And I'm 39 I've never had a child. I would like to have one. But a lot of the things you said about the issues are so true. And baby daddy drama is a pain. I'm on the no category. And in my area that pretty much means my dating pool is about 5%.
I dated a SM for a few yrs planning to marry her, but I am so glad I never did.., and in fact I broke it off finally a week ago.
I am a single dad with a son at similar age group as her kids, so it was very practical and convenient.
☝🏻 BUT…, IME following 4 yrs of dating….
My advice to ALL men is: DO NOT DATE A SINGLE MOM, it’s just not worth the effort, risk, rejection, meddling from X, and heartache (especially when her kids reject you) which WILL INEVITABLY follow.
IMO success rate is less than 1%.
Emily, MANY thanks for your content, I LOVE listening to your WISE words of wisdom..😊, and I appreciate how well you know us men..
Most eloquent and intelligent opinion I've heard on RUclips.
There is a big difference between divorced single moms and ones that stumbled on their carousel ride, which are not to be taken seriously if that's the case. However the question of why you are divorced is a big deal. If it is finding yourself, new experiences, you were bored, he changed or any of that BS that signals to us you're not serious, are prone to bad decisions, and likely influenced by society BS and or friends. If it was because you cheated you get moved to the for fun category only because you'll do it again at some point; you're a bad bet.
If the divorce was for any reason other than infidelity, no thanks.
Yeah, I have zero interest in dating anyone who got divorced for anything outside of infidelity, physical abuse (with proof and arrest records) and MAYBE gross mismanagement of the family’s money (like a gambling addiction). My exwife left because of her fe-fes and she missed the carousel.
I married a woman at 26 and she was influenced by her friends who were strippers.
Her girlfriends told her to leave me because they were into the clubbing scene and I never wanted to partake and I also did not like them .
So they saw me as a hardass and convinced her to divorce me and kick me out of the home
@@theeman5144 That’s another thing I’ve learned from dating my exes. Pay attention to the company she keeps, because she will be influenced by them. Seen it with my mom and sisters as well.
@@dukeonwheels yeah you right
I married a single mother. Being a step-dad is a huge challenge, but it worked out in the end. We celebrated our 33rd anniversary a couple weeks ago.
Single mothers today are on another level
good man
😅😅🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That was nearly 40 years ago. The environment is totally different now.
I’m glad you had a great experience but that was along time ago ! It’s totally different
You are one intelligent individual. Your content comes from a place of empathy and understanding. It's refreshing.
I have had married a woman with 3 kids. Started off great but the crazy exes caused constant issues and all her skeletons came pouring out after a while. Eventually after over 3 years she had an affair and that was that. I'd lean towards no but it depends on the person. The pool starts getting much smaller in your mid 30s unfortunately.
Not really I’m 41 dating a 27 years old woman expecting our first baby I think is harder for white boy when they get to their mid 30s
@@os8051I’m a 38 year old White man. I still sleep with 20 somethings. It’s not harder for us. As long as you don’t get out of shape and take care of yourself. Luckily for me I’m not overweight, above average looks and still have a head full of hair.
@@os8051that’s definitely not lasting just wait 😂
@@user-vv2wd9vm4l we are right at the moment preparing our baby shower 🧼 for our second baby than you🙏
Dad always warned us about instant families. Only twice in my life have I been willing to date a single mom. Both were women I knew sense we were kids. I knew them as good as anyone can ever know someone. Both had very young kids. One, the dad had skipped the country on her. The other had left her husband because he was a drug addict. But I would not have if I had not already been a part of their kids lives. Attachment an care for the well being of the young children made the risk worth it to me.
Reddi made family we always called it
I done that, The worst part of the Breakup was losing the Children. I loved them too.
My Dad did. He adapted me when I Was 5, and had 2 more with her.
Ive dated a number of single moms, even married one. Very hesitant to do so now unless grown kids and out of the house.
you will ALWAYS be secondary.
I married a single mom fairly young (we were both early 20s) and had a happy marriage until she passed away last year. The thing was, her son at the time was 1.5 years old, and the father was barely in the picture. I ended up adopting him, and i was essentially his father figure for his entire life.
Nowadays...i probably wouldnt do that a second time now that Im raising two kids by myself. Mostly because raising potentially four kids would be too much.
I'm sorry for your loss!
Wow, I thought I was alone.
I will NEVER date a woman with kids at home, grown-up kids who've left home okay but not still at home. But also, I won't date a woman who still has contact with her ex. Been there and done that. Never again. My heart was broken and shattered severely twice.
I fall into the "Will not date" a single mom. Girls usually end up with kids because of her 304 phase or she was in a committed relationship and still left the guy even though they had kids, and now he is her ATM. So huge red flag to me on both possibilities. I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior or accepting them.
Then there is emotional baggage, ex-drama, attention split between you and the kids when they aren't your kids, the headache of being a stepdad-like figure and if you make a bond with her kids and she leaves you won't see that kid again. Relationships are hard enough when it's just you and your partner now you're throwing in all these extra factors when you could just go date someone without kids. Above all else, this is a lot of negatives without "any" benefits that I can see.
I fall under Categories 1 and 3.
I have no problems dating a single mother but after my last relationship, the situation needs to be ideal for me.
So true. Dated a women with kids and grandkids. I as always last in line. Her kids were both grown adults but they were codepedent on each other. Always a lot of drama. Always had to check with her kids first before she could commit to do someting. Even then could not be sure if she would show up. Told her many times that I'm always 7th in line and am never a top priority. She couldn't understand why the relationship didn't last.
I was widowed last year at age 37. I hope people consider the factors as to why people are single when they plan to date rather than just being a single mom. I was happily married until he passed. Now I just hope there’s a nice guy willing to take the chance with me and my three kids.
Well I hope you find him.
@@smallhelmonabigship3524thank you
I am divorced due to domestic abuse. I've found that men see widows differently, since you stayed to the end... loyal. I'm often told that I'm lying & that I divorced for frivolous reasons. I do hope you find someone who will love you & your children just as much as your husband did! 🙏🏼🫂
Widows absolutely are not categorized with these baby mama 304s or even divorcees however, your kids are still dead weight to another man.
Your main problem other than the kids is going to be holding the next man to the same standards, and possibly comparing the new guy to your husband and you will never ever be able to give a man your whole heart because it rightfully belongs to your late husband that’s hard to deal with for a guy You’re probably best off waiting to date until your kids are grown and you have had maybe even more time without your late husband then you were married to him .
I don't want to date a single mom. Her kid(s) didn't come from me, and I don't want to be reminded of that every single day, that she did better than me to have her kid(s). It's a respect thing for me, knowing that she still has options that she probably won't lay down, like her ex. I also want to deal with the heartache that if we breakup, and I've put in all that work to bond with her kids, I lose them too. It's not in the cards for me.
My husband dated a single mom before he met me. Everything in that woman’s life was about her kid to the detriment of the boyfriend and everyone else. And this wasn’t a small child either. He was a teenager at the time. Now, my husband moved from Los Angeles to Western Washington State and we’ve been married 21 years. The kid of the last girlfriend? He’s 50 years old and still living with mommy.
My sister is a single mother with a 19 yrld son. He still lives at home , no job. She does everything for him. I'll bet he will still be there in 30 years time.
As a single dad, providing a warm and stable home for my kids that is safe and drama-free is paramount. My plate is already full with helping with kid's homework, meals, cleaning, laundry, shopping, budgeting, cooking, fun activities, work, and having all the kids (regardless of age) all have to help out and contribute to the household.
Things are running smoothly (for now- just wait i have teenagers ;)... and there is no way i want to bring a drama queen or another dependent into my life. I am divorced and life is very good now. It's at times difficult but oh so very rewarding.
I have only dated 2 women in the past 10 years and think it's best for the kids and my own sanity to stay single until they are all adults. No Drama. No pressure for things i don't want.
I get the best job in the world 🌎... to be the dad i never had.
XOXO kids.
I did it . She was bpd ,cheated often, etc I got along with the kids really well ! I finally had to walk away I have never spoken to the kids since. It’s to hard. I would rather stay single than go through that hell again.
same, i still actually get depressed and worried for her kids and how she neglects them. So, a few times a year the Hell returns for a day or two until I pray very deeply.
As someone who has in the past tried to date a couple of single moms but never got anywhere, reading these comments made me realize why I should be thanking whoever is up above watching out for me. Praise the lord.
11:33 of your video, that's what happened to me. I was last on her list and her kids will always be first no matter what the situation was. I tried for years to make the list and failed! Then, I woke up one day and realized that, I'm trying for something that I'll never get! I had a talk with her and she didn't understand why I was leaving after I had already told her why. And, also, her kids hated me and they told me that I would never be part of their family. The kids were 4 and 6 at that time. I loved them but, it was not being reciprocated back the same.
I hope you weren't married. You did make the best long-term decision for your benefit statically. I suspect your leaving was always on her mind but on her terms. Your decision to exit on your timetable though upset her agenda.
Also she understood perfectly what you were telling her. She was playing a game. If she truly loved you, she'd have changed her tune right then and there to keep you around; instead she pretended ignorance. She was only ever using you. Sorry bro. I'm glad you got away though.
not second on her list... LAST
Happy to hear you had the self respect to get out of a bad situation. You did your bit, and put the effort in. But at some point you have to call it, if its not getting reciprocated. Respect brother.
I was always last on her list, but she was always first, not the kids.
I dated and married a single mom who had a late teenage son. Never again. While he wasn't necessarily a bad kid, he had issues and I didn't agree with his mother's lack of discipline and lack of structure. She ended up divorcing me anyway and I ended up with a single woman with no kids 6 months later..
white knight huh?
Chance Taken…. Lesson Learned
@@eQuariuz It stands for my race as well as heritage
@@rogueranger7989 Yes indeed
What was the reason to marry her
Thank you for stating women should put man first when married. I want to add that I recently decided not to date women with kids. Here's my advice for women. Even if you think your kids come first don't act like that and state that in front of the guy or mention all your other priorities. Always make him "feel" like he is a priority even when first dating. Just get a baby sitter and find a time to be available. If you play hard to get with kids, you will be left behind for a woman who makes herself available. Don't date if you don't have the time. Also, if you don't flirt with a guy in texts or in person he will walk even if you like him. This was a great video! All true and validated mens opinions! Thank you!
I was not going to make a comment until the very last thing you said about the single moms that have their kids all the time. I now have my son full time without help, so I’m in the same boat as those 24 hour single moms. My son is also special-needs, so that adds another layer of difficulty to the situation. Don’t forget about us.
Dating a single mom can be either brutal or bliss. I dated a single mom for the first time last year. She was amazing and had the most wonderful little girl. I admit it was strange at first but after awhile I started really connecting with her daughter and she noticed. Well, after 6 months of dating it seemed like everything was going absolutely amazing, or at least I thought. You see, she was a dismissive avoidant with not only severe unprocessed childhood wounds but also pretty severe wounds from an emotionally abusive long term relationship with her ex. I tend to lean on the anxious side with my own wounds that I have been actively working on for a year and a half. So she ended up keeping EVERYTHING inside that bothered her about me and engaged in flaw finding when she got too overwhelmed. In the end she gave a few bs excuses, completely fixable in my opinion, why we couldn't be together. That was several months ago and I'm still a bit messed up. Not only did I lose her but I also lost her amazing daughter. At this point, I'm not sure I could ever date a single mom again. The last one was just so painful that I never want to go thru that again. However, I am 35 and the chances of finding another woman who has their life reasonably together, that I connect with, AND no kids I feel is slim to none. The video gets it completely correct when she said that dating in your 30s and 40s in today's world is brutal because it DEFINITELY is. So I guess I'm sharing my story as insight and caution to those considering dating a single mom. Every situation and person is different and god bless you if you end up in a truly amazing relationship that really works but just be weary that things can go south and you don't just lose your partner but her children as well that if you were ever serious, you formed an attachment to as all. Good luck out there gentleman, you're going to need it!
sorry bro
that is tough
Identical situation
Did you find out maybe their was cheating on the background? Was her B.S excuses just b.s.. Often dishonorable women (,and men) will blame their own crappy 😊 unfaithfulness on the cheated partner be cause they can not take the blame for their own rotteness
@@Laura-cx7jj i don't think there was cheating. She was very faithful while we were together. She's just crippled with childhood trauma, very abusive ex husband trauma, doesn't know what she wants, 2 other failed relationships, then now this winner she's with lol. Guys a raging alcoholic and so was her ex husband so I'm sure it's familiar. I didn't drink and I'm really starting to think that bothered her. Whatever, she's out of my life and has been for a year and a half. It still hurts and I'm riding solo still but I'm accepting it more and more. I think I'm just opting out of dating for the foreseeable future, there's just not much for decent women where i live. They're all riddled with trauma or just nasty, druggies, etc etc. I'll just do my own thing, better that way and can't be disappointed!
Absolutely no for me. Been there done that. Top issues: Time, Priority, Privacy, multiple baby daddies, compared to them, too much drama OMG and so much more. Too stressful... Not for me. Im currently engaged to a young lady with no kids and no drama.
My take in a relationship: Plan to give 60% and expect 40% back. 50/50 seems too ideal, and hard to meet in the middle. It takes both sides of the relationship to make it work. It takes effort on both sides. So if both parties actively give 60% of what they perceive as possible, and only expect 40% back, then both sides will be able to co-exist in a meaningful way.
That's some great advice you gave. I don't know how your shorts and now videos started popping up in my feed, but it works for me to listen to someone sensible talk about these difficult situations with critical reasoning. (I completely agree with the drama-free ex and the kids-free time as being important factors in this situation.)
30 years ago I did date single mothers. One was interested in marrying for money so when a guy 15 years older than her and had a bigger house asked her out she was gone. The others said they would not give me a child. One lady yelled at me because my will listed my nieces instead of her kids. Back then step fathers were not required to pay child support in a divorce in Canada. Because of the child support rule I would advise men to avoid single moms. I have friends who had terrible experiences with single moms. The step children vandalized my friends house that he shared with the gf and her kids. Another guy was an ATM and a beast of burden. When a woman says her kids come first she is also saying that the man comes last and that he is loved the least.
In the 1800s a women with children was more eligible than a woman without children because her kids could do farm chores which brought wealth to the couple.
same thing happened to me except he was 10 yrs older and an alcoholic. Last I heard she married him LOL. I find it satisfying to know she got what she deserved.
+1 for farm chores!
wait so...the kids vandalized their own house? the step children vandalized your friends (their stepfather's) house, that he shared with his gf (their mom)?
Excellent points, but one positive note on dating a woman with kids I have experienced is that you get to see her parenting style and what kind of mom she is. That can totally be a deal breaker or deal sealer.
I really enjoyed this video, you outlined the main concerns and thoughts that I think most men have very well. Two other points I’d like to add:
1) “my kids will always come first”… this isn’t just a vibe men are getting or a message they are hearing, it is being stated & exclaimed EXPLICITLY by many single mothers on dating apps or when they first meet. No better way to indicate that you’re emotionally unavailable.
2) my reason for not wanting to date a single mother is a little more nuanced than what you pointed out… although you list off the challenges in dating a single mother very well, & ex drama is a BIG part of it, but in my mind it’s similar to saying “let’s have a kid together, and THEN figure out if we can have a relationship on top of that.” It immediately makes the relationship more complicated, because unlike a couple who may take months or years to decide if or when they want to have kids together, that decision is already made for you before you even enter the relationship, and you now need to figure out how to have a relationship with multiple people, AND somehow find time to get to know each other and have a relationship just the two of you. It’s like working in reverse, which is incredibly difficult to do.
I completely agree with your comment.... I am a lady with no kids that could be dating a man with kids... I completely agree with what you're saying except flip that situation around. When a man or woman says their kids come first.. It tells me they're emotionally unavailable and don't have room for a Partner
i was in a relationship with a single mum and i gotta say it is not easy.imagine not being allowed to tell the kid/s off for doing something bad and the kid/s taking advantage of that and that was when i split,she can keep her little angels.i doubt i would date a single mum again
What a great video! I’m well past the age of a new relationship even if my wife passed. But, I lost my mother at 14 years old many years ago and my father remarried quickly and it was a disaster for me. You talked about so many great things that I’m fairly certain don’t happen in the single mother dating world. Firstly, I think most single mothers just aren’t mentally mature enough to even understand the basic concepts you just discussed … ie, eventually the new man has to come first. There’s always room in your heart to make more love, but there’s a fixed amount of time. Your children still need your time and a great step dad will share most of that time, but there’s got to be step dad first time.
I dated a single mom in my mid 20's. Never thought I would do this, but I found myself attracted to her. She was a lot of fun and was really easy to carry on a conversation with. Looking back, there was probably some degree of compassion for her situation on my part. Her son was 3 at the time and he thought I was awesome. Things started off great. But then I started seeing some red flags.
She had a history of basically throwing herself at guys. Then, when they got attached, she panicked and would ghost them. Apparently, one of the guys ended up stalking her. Also, when asking about her divorce, she seriously said that she was the perfect wife and that the fault was 100% with him. Sorry, but there's no way. All this showed me was that she hadn't learned anything from the situation. At one point, she started ghosting me. But as soon as I was on the verge of giving up, she would start getting all friendly again. After several cycles of this, I couldn't take anymore. So I walked away. Anytime she called and left me a message, I just deleted it and didn't respond. It sucked, but it was what I needed in order to heal and move on with my life.
Interestingly, we connected a couple of years later. Only I was in a much better place then. She tearfully apologized for how she had treated me. I told her (truthfully) that all was forgiven. No hard feelings and I wished her well. I've been married for 20+ years. She was never married before and had no kids. So, if I were single, would I consider dating a single mom again? I don't know. Maybe. I guess it depends. There are certain things I would look for. What was the reason for her divorce? What did she learn from it? Has she allowed herself adequate time to heal and to deal with any baggage from that relationship? Just a few things that come to mind.
I recently had a similar experience. She was really into me but started this cycle of breaking it off and reconnecting a week or two later until the ex raped her one evening after she broke it off. She was traumatized and I gave her another two cycles before blocking her.
Never been with a single mum but that was incredibly draining so I won’t be dating one again
@@lioncross1849 Wow, that's awful!
She sounds like a narc.
I am a full time single dad. I have and will again date women with or without kids.
Experience has given me pretty good ideas of things that can create issues and ideas for working around or knowing early whether it is best to walk away from the relationship.
It is difficult enough finding a good match, I am not going to let something arbitrary impede that. At the end of the day, all kids deserve supportive adults in their life whether they are biologically related or not.
When I was 20, I took a single mom of three very young kids out on a date. I was the first guy she dated after her divorce. Three yrs later we got married. I treated the kids as if they were my own. Thirty-three years later we’re still together and very happy! All three kids have grown up to be men with great families of their own. I guess things in the dating world have changed a lot since then, or maybe I just got lucky.
Stories like these give me hope. Thank you.
Hope to win the powerball is the same
20 seems extremely young
@@mark9294true, but I don't regret my choices. I must admit however that we are somewhat of an anomaly.
Until she divorces you 😂
I met a woman when I was 42 and she was the same age she had 3 kids 18,14,13 and it was difficult at times we were together for 28 years until she passed away and it took awhile but they did call me dad after awhile on their own now I have 5 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren it wasn't easy but worth it
@@Lila77722 I had 2 of my own but I haven't seen them for a long time it was a bad divorce I only saw them when both of my parents passed away my ex poisoned their minds I still love them but I live 1500 miles away
They are another man's grandchildren, not your own
@@-whackd they are mine I have been around their parents longer than the abusive dad's and they call me dad and you don't everything in the dynamics of the family
Now we have 6 success stories in the thread! 👍👍👍👍👍👍
As a male whom grew up in a household where the father figure left when I was a young age, leaving me with a train wreck party tramp for a mother who lived out of her moneyed parents' pockets (up until I got out @ 17), I cannot give a non-jaded answer to your question, as my experiences have kept me _OUT_ of both LTRs and marriage - as well as being careful _NOT_ to bring any children into this world! Therefore, I think after all that, you pretty much already _know_ where a single mother is going to automatically stand in my eyes!
The problem with the modern single mom is that her kids come first. I'm a firm believer that the union of a man and woman trumps the relationship of mother and child. If your kids, who will live with you for 18 years, trump your husband, who will be with you for life, then you're not for me.
Amen! And you will sound like an a-hole to most people when you say that out loud. There’s no way a relationship can be successful when only one adult is prioritizing the other, and one is being treated like the last man on the totem pole.
Yes and no.
Absolutely, 100% couples who have kids need to spend time without the kids to focus on their relationship. They should be a united front against whatever problems the children have.
But when that couple decides to bring a tiny, helpless life into the world they also have to put their own needs aside and provide for that life. That level of need and care diminishes as the child gets older obviously. Newborn babies come first out of sheer necessity.
I’m not going to get into the ‘do you love your kids or your partner more’ tangle. Those are different types of love.
Obviously in cases of abuse the parent whose not being abusive should remove the child from the abusive one.
And the above mess of problems is when the partner is the child’s biological father. Someone that presumably wanted them. (Side note, I’m finding it a bit creepy that you mentioned mother and child but not father and child. Dad’s are extremely important.)
Adding a step parent is an even bigger problem. I don’t even know where to start to with that.
@DestinyHime the conversation was about single moms. Look at all the excuses you made. Notice how you excluded women from being the abusive partner? You women that sleep with any man out there and then act surprised when you (deliberately) end up pregnant with the child of a man that didn't want you are the problem.
Find a man that is worthy of being a parent. Then, love him. Everything else will sort itself.
Seriously, rewatch the video. The conversation is about single moms on dating sites.
I have to add, if more women were like you there would be a lot less divorce in the world. You are level headed and understand that life is not about a fairy tail, but rooted in everyday life that makes the world go round.
She is also divorced...so it's a hard situation all around.
Bet her ex would disagree 😂
No. People today have NO idea just what the wedding vows are, or what they mean; which is why so many of you foolishly believe you can write your own. No, no single "moms."
Sadly marriages as disposable of a commodity as anything nowadays I think it's interesting to know that back when it was more common for people to wait till marriage to have sex and to not live together till they're married that divorce rates were not that high
Now that we have the society where it's considered socially acceptable to get all the benefits of being married without being married it kind of makes you wonder why divorce rates are through the roof
Dating a single mom is disgusting and also embarrassing for the guy. I straight up get 2nd hand embarrassment anytime I see or hear about a guy with a single mom
@@Bennysolthere are legitimate reasons to not date a single mother but this is a pathetic reason
@@anthonyjordanmoviesandmore2470 clearly i struck a nerve
@@Bennysolno I'm just calling out the truth there are plenty of legitimate reasons not to date a single mother but yours about embarrassment is not one of them I can't help it I have this condition where I have to call out nonsense
Yes. Everyone deserves to have someone love them. Though learning their story may help you be aware of what happened. Also, I'm a single father but my child lives in another city with his mom. Honesty between potential couples is so key. If you can identify mistakes or what went wrong and learned the lesson, that is gold.
You're not a single father you're a divorced dad wtf lol
I agree with micadavis here.
Things happen, people make mistake and the Ones that are worthy of our time is the ones that has not Not Ever made mistakes. But admit everyone has, and you find those and learn from them and grow.
Those are a worthy partners. And some of those possible partners are single people w/kids
If a mom says that she puts the kids before her husband this is bad even when the man is actually their biological father. He will be feeling that he has been demoted to a provider for a family that doesn't actually include him, especially if she doesn't let him play an active parenting role. Even if he doesn't leave out of frustration he will be feeling like a fifth wheel.
Also, if the mother is in good terms with her ex there is always a chance of him returning, in which case you will be simply discarded and you won't be able to do or say anything about it, after all he is the real father of the kids. That can hurt because it will feel like being told "your services are no longer required" and this is painful to men. You will feel used.
How would a guy ever feel respected when a single mom will ALWAYS put her kids before him. Who would want that situation? Only desperate men would accept this.
USA is the only place on Earth where putting your romantic partner is more important than your children. Everywhere else in the world the children come first. If you think this is bullshit check the laws about free days after a death of a close one.
The single mom will also create a fight with the new boyfriend to slip away and get naked with the ex.
When you knock up a girl, she always belongs to you.
Actually the problem with SMWKs is they have a tether to her previous relationship and that Ex is going to be around and she chose him first so the physical attraction is still there, regardless of how it ended. I've heard many stories about single moms cheating with their ex despite claiming that their new husband is the love of their life.
The physical attraction is not necessarily still there. I can tell you that my ex-wife hates and resents me with a passion
I am presently married to a lady who had 2 children at home and 3 adult children. We have been married for over 34 years. I still get a good feeling every time she walks into the same room as me. 😊
👍
You're brilliant, on point, beautiful and an awesome advocate for "good men!" I'm a military man that stepped into my step-daughter's life when her father refused to live up to his duties. It was some of the toughest years of my life having to make decisions for another man's offspring while making my own children with her mother. There were days I wanted to hand her over to her father and be relieved of her issues. Only when she put the whole family in jeopardy did we make plans to get her father involved to take his responsibilities more serious. Those years taught her how good she had it with me. Now that her father has passed from drinking himself to death, she's acknowledging all the work I did to help her be the best person she could be. If I had to make the choice to be a step father again, I'd have to say I would choose not to. But, I love my kids, ALL of them, and will forewarn my son about choosing that path; just as I forewarn all my junior Marines and Soldiers about the strength it takes to make it.
If you're dating a single mom; her kids father thanks you for finishing his saved game.
Truth 💯🤣
Or maybe the father is still raising his kids and he just divorced mom.
My ex is a single mom, I have custody of both my kids. No man needs to do anything for my kids. And I'm obviously not alone.
Truth is you will never be their priority. The child/ children comes first. And you can just call her to come over your place anytime to come spend the night👍👌💯
I dated and married a single mother. The biological father was out of the picture. I was without any children. Probably the worst decision I ever made. I knew going in, that I was never going to be the priority. But after 7 years of marriage, that lack of priority grew into an untenable situation. Went from being #2 to 3,4,5,6,7. She describes the situation precisely.
If the man doesn't come 1st to a woman then the relationship will fail. I met a woman while out and expressed interest in her. She made it clear that her kids came first. Judging by her behavior I knew I was going to be in 3rd place. Her kids were 1st, 2nd her, 3rd me. I wasn't going to put up with that and walked away. I wish I had kept that standard cause later I had relationship with a single mother that I end up regretting and she end up being a 304.
@@thystaff742 they're all 304's. They look at men like suckers and ATM machines on top of what Uncle Sam is handing out at the welfare department. If you can't afford more than what the government gives single moms as freebie she'll stay married to Sam. What self respecting man wants to afford that when he has his own goals!
Always going to be my kids (full-grown and out of house on their own). This was a major point in the end of my last long-term relationship. I was even told if I moved into her house and split mortgage payments, if she died her home would go to her kids. There was no compromise or consideration for my security, needs or feelings of being a 3rd class citizen in the relationship.
I'm going to overshare a bit. I dated a single mother out of highschool she had a newborn that I consider my own. Long sad story short at 14 months our daughter threw up and aspirated in the crib. When you have to watch your daughter from outside the hospital room because you are not the biological father, when you have no medical say so when they pull her off life support because you are not the biological father. I pray noone faces the same situation.
Trying to date after that was near impossible, too awkward a situation to explain too painful to not seek comfort.
I briefly dated a single mom and her young daughter who was five years old who wanted me to be her dad, badly. I was not ready. I felt horrible guilt when I ended the relationship. I never dated a woman who had a child after that experience.
If you go into it knowing you don't want to be a dad, or even a little uncertain, you're the pos for what you've done to a child.
Thats fckd up dude
@@chrism4008sounds like he backed out at an appropriate time, and didn’t develop a false bond with the kid. He said he wasn’t ready. What’s wrong with this?
Thank you. You are right. @@JackBirdbath
@@JackBirdbath He's right. He dated the mom knowing that the child didn't have her biological father it seems. What kind of bond he thought he would have with the little girl?? Of course she would see him as his dad. And it's fucked up because even if they didn't have a bond, the girl obviously had the "hope" for a father figure with him. But he left. He shouldn't have dated the mother in the first place.
My ex was a single mom when we got together, and we were together for fifteen years. We had a great relationship, and I consider her child my kid even today. Yes, the relationship ended, but I wouldn't change how it played out.
If you don't mind me asking, how old was the kid when things ended between you and the mom?
@Dosbomber He was 18, and even though his dad was around and they had a good relationship, he's still my kid. And always will be. I was there every day, and I made that choice to be there.
But did she give you a kid? You do realize that most men want their own children, and most single moms aren't willing to provide that. The biological desire for a guy to spread his genes will never go away, so I won't abandon that to raise another dude's genes.
@@Leonhart_93this is a very general way of looking at it. It differs from person to person. Its not always that they don't want to. Sometimes they can't, sometimes you can't or don't want to. So its not a one size fits all situation. When you spend so much time with someone you care for deeply they become family. That love you have does not go away or leave when they leave. That said, all children leave the house eventually and then as time goes by you see less and less of them anyway.
@@christophervanheerden6499 There is an interesting statistic that says throughout history around only 40% of men reproduced, while 80% of the women reproduced. Some men have like dozens of kids to balance the statistic.
Even today, those that manage to reproduce have what it takes, aka are a bit more selfish with their desires. Like I want MY kids, not raise someone's that just bailed.
Society will always want some men to sacrifice themselves to care for these children, but I won't be one of them.
I tried it a few times. It only makes things worse. And these were grown kids around 18 years old. Some of them even in their twenties. One of the women went so far as to move her children in with her but refused to live with me. If you want to be a mama's boy and do that and the mother would rather live with her child and emasculate him then she's only emasculating her man. But when I left her she tried to get her son to call me to come back. What kind of craziness is that? I had to explain to her son the kind of mother he had as a man. And he totally understood and apologized to me.
Some things you said Emily had me thinking of something heard with some women talking once on some show on RUclips. One of them was a single mother who found a man and I think was engaged or eventually married him.
One of thee things she said is that when she put her kids first it caused problems in her relationship. A big thing was that it was like she didn't trust him to have authority over her kid and it did nothing but push him away at almost every point. It also showed her kid to be disobedient to him. Ya know the "you aint my dad" attitude. It wasn't until she acted in a way of him having complete authority over her and her child, so as to show that she trusted him and his decisions, did all of this discord subside.
And I think that is part of the problem many men have with single mothers. They kind of want to be in charge or in the very least seemingly want to arbitrarily decide when, where and how the man gets to be in charge. Likely part of the reason why a woman likes a guy, in the first place, is because he shows masculinity and thus an ability to take charge. To attempt to frustrate that is to step on his toes. It takes two to tango and it looks most beautiful when the man leads and the woman trustingly follows. If she does not trust him then why even tango in the first place?
Bingo and the dilemma is that man that are put together for that level of performance and leadership are better off or capable of getting a younger childless woman so why choose extra stress. As perfect as they may be you will run into more resistance bc everyone is fighting biology. Dont save them fellas they want to do the alpha seed beta bucks we have to force them to course correct the hard way. Men lead women follow thats nature optimized.
Emily, I was a single father, my ex had custody, and just because we were divorced didn’t mean I stopped being a dad. The marriage was very dysfunctional and I was a mess mentally. I felt the “stigma “ of being a single parent in my mid thirties and wanting to have a special person in my life. I think the fact that I was a parent might have led me to date single mothers with kids. I dated 4 during the 4 years of being single. I liked them all and could have seen a life with any of them but first I had to learn to like “Me” again let alone love another. I purposely kept sex out of these relationships, as I felt , in my case, it would detract from what I wanted in a marriage. I don’t know how any of them felt about this and I never brought it up. What I found out was they. We’re all in different parts of their lives. Three had been married and one hadn’t. Where I was didn’t mesh with whichever one I was dating at that time, that added to the confusion because I wanted to know them first before intimacy got involved. One thing I never had any difficulties with was their relationship with their children &/or how I fit in. I knew that eventually it would be just the two of us as the kids would move out and have their own lives. All were educated, competent levelheaded parents but we just weren’t on the same pages. The irony is that I married a woman I met at church who was single never married and never had children. Just the reverse of what you’re talking about in this video. The challenges we faced was how she and my daughters would interact. And there definitely were challenges! But we’ve been together for 36 years and while at times it hasn’t been easy, we worked together, the four of us, and we are a family with quirks like any other family, and she’s a grandmother. Has been for 29 yrs and and enjoyed it for the most part same as stepmom. Bottom line to all this was I can’t control or think for her or the girls, I really wouldn’t want to either, we work out whatever gets in our ways and I don’t get in between any issues between any of them.
Love how she defended herself at the beginning. Your still a single mum love and should be avoided at any cost x
I tried dating a single mom a few times. Was fine until her son got rebellious with me. I didn't put up with it and she pampered him to harm of our relationship.