Whats Happening With Me?
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- Опубликовано: 8 мар 2019
- / therararabbit
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I understand how confusing not having a diagnosis can be. Trauma affects everyone differently. with amnesia possibly involved it might take a while to figure out what effected your younger self that strongly. You belong in any group that you feel comfortable in and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your experience is valid with or without a diagnosis. 🙂
I’m just being perfectly honest when I say I can’t entirely relate to you with your mental health stuff (besides the depression and being a confused teenager, which is pretty normal I guess), but I appreciate you opening up in these videos and telling us where your head’s at. I imagine these videos must be somewhat therapeutic, using these little “rant” videos to just let your thoughts explode outward. Even though I first subbed to you for lucid dreaming content I still find I enjoy your videos about mental health and your personal life. Hope to see more vids like this in the future, and any future lucid dream experiences in relation to your voices. :]
Just because they are parts of you doesn’t mean they are not real. Also as much as they are a part of you, you too are a part of them.
Telling parents is hard, because of the aspect of self blame they may end up come to. It took us a long time to get comfortable around our parents again, after realizing we are plural and coming out as such.
Now, we are quite open about our plurality and we are all out in the body more of the time. The more space we have given ourselves and each other, the fuller our life has become. I don’t know how it would be for you, but for us it has been overwhelmingly positive.
Marketing yourself as an artist when you are plural is hard. We have found that finding a local art community where we can be open about ourselves has been very freeing and helped us feel more comfortable in the world. People surprise us all the time in incredibly beautiful ways.
Glad you are taking time now to find yourself/selves. Truths about ourselves unfold in their own time, in their own pace. Life is not a race.
Which reminds me about a thing you said earlier on about guilt about not having “enough” trauma. We, unfortunately, found quite a bit of that in certain DID spaces. The thing is that pain is not a competition, no one is winning a gold medal in the pain olympics. Whatever pain you have had in your life is valid. It doesn’t need to be absolutely horrific to have had a major impact on you.
It’s sort of weird. We might meet a dog that is really skittish around people, and we will say “oh well he was kicked once as a puppy, poor guy.” Why would we look at an adult human and think “why are they freaking out so much? They were not kicked nearly enough as a child to warrant this level of emotion!” Why would we look at ourselves and think that? Why do we do that?
Anyway. We quite like your videos. You have a very calm demeanor. Sorry if the reply was a bit disjointed. I was commenting as I watched.
Take care, Max et al.
-Ariadne
"i just feel like i've got no reason to be this way when these people have been through far worse than me" i get what you mean to some extent, sometimes it's rough accepting your reality as sth natural and flowing while widening your perception of the world, but you are you
and about DID, and moments of amnesia, i think it's alright if you compliment that part of you with fiction, or you can just look at those things as gifts, might sound silly comin from a stranger who spouts whatever's on his mind but lookin at things not at how we are taught to see them but as out-of-box-ishly as possibly sometimes does the trick for me
I experience something which sounds similar to what you have been experiencing. It's going to be difficult to relate this to you because my memory is poor, but I will try. Most of my life (since I was about 12) I had been trying to figure out what mental health condition I had. I became very depressed at an early age - around 7 years old. I started feeling that my presence didn't matter and that I didn't exist. I lived by floating from one fantasy state to another, often imagining that I was in a movie. I believed that when the time was right, I would wake up and it would be my real life and I would be the real me. On the other hand, I would also experience moments where I felt too real, followed by the sensation of being possessed by (what I first thought were demons), then later decided 2 years into my psych degree were some sort of PTSD flashback (except I hadn't experienced anything that would lead to PTSD). Very strange indeed. I knew I had issues with dissociation, mood lability, panic and anxiety. I knew that there were voices inside my head talking to me. They would comment on what I was doing. I thought that everyone had such voices. Ones that they could talk to, and which would respond back to them.These voices were part of me, but they were not me. They expressed very different viewpoints and had strikingly different personalities. It was confusing. I couldn't understand what I was meant to do. Instead I would feel frozen with all the chatter in my head. When the voices were very loud, but I was still partially in control of myself, I would put on headphones and try to drown the inner dialogue out with music. I also developed less healthy coping behaviors as well to manage the inner turmoil. After landing in the psych ward I finally told the psychiatrist at the hospital that I thought I was hearing voices. I was 15. She put me on a heavy dose of anti-psychotics. They didn't help. Neither did the mood stabilizers, anti-seizure meds, anti-depressants, anxiolytics etc... Nothing 'fixed' me. I was in and out of therapy, but it seemed like we never actually got to core issues. This was partly because I couldn't put my finger on my core issues. They weren't consistent, and after years of self-study I was very good at presenting as knowledgeable and sane. I tricked them and I tricked myself.The extreme stress I must have been under for years, began to take a toll on my physical health and I developed an autoimmune disorder. I could not trust anyone and I could not accurately report my symptoms. I've always had a passion for research, so I set out to understand what was happening to my psyche and how I might heal from it. I also became motivated to fight for justice for individuals experiencing serious mental health conditions. Through my work counseling individuals with schizophrenic hallucinations and delusions, I realized that my voices were different in nature from theirs. I've been doing all of this for awhile now, and my conclusion thus far is that I have OSDD - Other specified dissociative disorder. Bad things have happened to me, but nothing truly horrific that I remember. I think I'm not supposed to remember though. I suspect I can function okay because I don't. My wish is certainly not to pathologize you. After all I am also voice hearer, and I have also hid this aspect from the public as much as possible. (As an aside - I have to say that working with actively psychotic people was very rewarding for me, and allowed me to feel like I could be myself. They didn't judge me. It didn't seem weird to them. I didn't have to hide the way I have to with people who don't experience such things). I don't know where you have progressed on your journey since you put this video up, but I would like to post a few of the resources I encountered that were very helpful for me. Maybe you can also find some insight in them. did-research.org/origin/synthesis.html - Explanation of the neurobiology of structural dissociation. www.amazon.com/Coping-Trauma-Related-Dissociation-Interpersonal-Neurobiology-ebook/dp/B00O4RPUPU - Expensive but worth it, actually. ruclips.net/video/griq0tZUmQU/видео.html - The only high quality, erudite, OSDD youtuber I know of. ruclips.net/video/ShdjT4VENfc/видео.html - Explanation of how 'switching' happens for people with dissociative disorders, but not full fledged D.I.D. Finally I just want to say that it is very courageous that you are talking about this subject, and for people like me it is comforting to know you are out there. This is not well understood, and I truly believe that it is us that have these conditions (but are still able to communicate with the world) that have to advocate for education and research. Also, there aren't very many of us. I often feel alone in that way. If you would like to discuss these kinds of things more in the future, please let me know. It is rare that I come across someone who has this particular commonality.
Thank you for taking the time to message me. I really appreciate it. It certainly helps in feeling less alone. Thank you for the links as well.
I plan on making an update video on things shortly as I haven't been able to make a video in a while.