As an INFJ , I know why I do this. I hit a point that I am not even mad anymore. I am just numb. It's hard for me to let go but once I have taken /done all I can on my end to keep someone around, hope goes out the window. Individually means a lot to me. When our relationship alows you to be you, but has no room for me to be me, it's not worth my time. Go play games elsewhere.
I know, when a relationship isn’t going well I keep exploring to see what’s going on. As I explore I may see a lot of bad things come out of the other party but they don’t realize it. I’m at the end I’ve tried absolutely everything probing the other person and tested the limits but they still don’t get it. Then I’m 100% done. That person is out of my life in every way, I won’t even talk about them or look at pictures of them.
@@specks_alot who are you asking? And what do you mean by reconcile? After door slams on my family, my brother and sister, after years of no contact,, they apologized and I let them back only to get the same old crap and in the same old ways. Neither had changed or shown any intension of adjusting their behaviour towards me. Do I reconcile now. Absolutely not. A leopard can't change its spots . Its just another manipulation..
Took the words out of my mouth!!! Like why am I going to continue to truly see, empathize, support and uplift someone who harshly judges, critiques and is callous in return…adios!
It's a build up of situations that lead to this. We don't just cut people out because they annoyed us once. For me, it was the ongoing disrespect. When I found out the lies which I had only suspected before, and the cheating it was enough for me to doorslam and not go back. It was a liberating experience but one that's been such a painful one.
I hear you! I had exactly the same experience. And I know the 'receiving end' will probably never understand and keep thinking (and telling people of course) that I am childish and unreasonable, but I don´t care anymore. It's over. Period. 🥳
@@guillemmari5588 and @simbasara88 - You've so accurately described "the ongoing disrespect" and the suspected but not empirically proven lies. That kind of gaslighting can be true of both romantic and platonic relationships. And because you NEVER want to be unfair, impatient, judgmental, or dismissive, you wait for a very long time before severing the connection. When I was asked about waiting so long before cutting off toxicity, I explained that there is great peace and satisfaction is being absolutely certain that you have walked the last mile of the way and there can never be any regrets.
I opened up to someone about my insecurities. They slammed the door in my face and used everything I told them against me. I guess the thing I did to "deserve this" was to trust them, and try to have casual smalltalk with them, try to build a friendship. But sure, go on and keep calling me "toxic", just because they randomly told me to leave them alone out of nowhere. And because I actually respect their request for space. So I'm here with all my questions, trying to figure out why people hate me do much. Apparently it's my fault I get bullied too???
@xixi3148 the doorslam occurs when an infj's perceptions are singularly held: Be sure of this, infj's dont seek or receive counsel outside of themselves, so when they make decisions they believe they're 100% right. Yet, they actually don't really know what other people were thinking, or why. They don't ask that, and they certainly don't ask 3rd parties about it. In the end, the porous boundaries infj's have with romance or friendships causes them to give 100% of their emotions, with an expectation that others will perceive exactly as they do. Infj's aren't self aware enough to know how others are different from them. They're rarely self aware of themselves, they require others to inform them of who they are and how they act, they cannot perceive this on their own, but this doesn't keep them from "knowing others". The end result is poor, but mostly for the infj, as they cut people out unjustly and then believe the other was toxic or in the wrong, for not behaving the way the infj does, but without the infj really even knowing what that "way" is. Ask an infj how the other person should have acted, and they'll stare at you with a blank look.
Rather than door "slamming", I'd say we close it quietly, nail it and then build a brick wall. But that's only after a lot of thought and built up pain. That prank was just the straw that broke the camels back. The friend was probably an ass their whole life and this was INFJ's point of breaking.
The thing about a "prank" like that, since she was a young woman - her friend put her in danger's way by sending her to a stranger's door. This would be a last straw for me as well
I’ve had to door slam a toxic family member. When people ask, don’t you love her? I don’t love her or hate her. I “nothing” her. This video was very accurate.
This! Yes I have done this. In a moment of revelation, I understood what was going on over years. I should have been deeply hurt, but when I had clear vision at 2 am after not understanding what was “really” behind it all, I nothinged. I neither hated or held space for a relationship at that moment and now four years later. I am confident in the quiet door shut, and instant wall build. I don’t care I don’t not care. I nothing. And so be it.
The truth is that INFJs respect themselves very much and they dislike the idea of being hurt, especially being hurt again. They seem to be stubborn, but they just care and avoid simular uncomfortable situations which they experienced.
The truth is: Despite my genuine love and care for people, I'm deeply disappointed by them, which leaves me feeling cold inside. This, combined with my affinity for heartbreak and melancholy, makes the idea of 'doorslamming' feel alluring and quite liberating to me
That's actually true, slammed doors occur only after thousands of second chances given to the same person and are non-reversable because there comes a time when a kind heart needs to be healed and protect itself
As an INFJ, this was an absolutely ACCURATE description of what I’ve had to do to a few people. When people take my kindness for granted or have a misconception about what they perceive to be “passiveness” on my end, they fail to realize that I’m simply collecting data. After collecting my data and drawing analysis, I inform people about how I feel regarding their behavior and if they consistently choose to not value what I tell them or simply refuse to change then I simply walk away from the relationship and there is NO TURNING BACK or reconsideration.
Exactly. We may take a lot of abuse, but we are not stupid. Once we see the pattern and lose hope of you ever changing, we are done and you will probably never see or hear from us ever again. If we DO let you back in after a door slam and you mess up AGAIN...at that point, dont even try 🤣🤣 You are just going to waste your own time.
It’s not that we never look back. My goodness. I know that I look back and grieve. Many of the comments above spell it out so well. It is a buildup of hurt upon hurt. We turn the other cheek so many times and bring it up to them to try to fix the issue, but if they never actually care, why would we stay around? It takes 2 sides to have a healthy invested friendship or relationship. I think about the people I have had to door slam all the time. I miss them. I miss who I thought that they were. I just can’t go back. If you were damaged and they still don’t care, please, don’t go back either.
It was the straw that broke the camels back. An INFJ is not going to door slam on one prank to a childhood friend. It's like this "friend" was an asshole all their life and the INFJ had enough.
What gets me about people is that long before I door slam them I always attempt to reconcile the problem first. I typically try to speak about the problem and get them to address the issue. It often centers on honesty and trust and I let them know that I know something isn't right without getting to in depth in details but they almost always stick to the deceit and lies. It's like they think I need video footage to prove the offense and they seem to think their ability to lie and get over on others is going to win the day with me personally. I actually had one person say I had "zero proof" and I was like I don't need "proof" but interesting choice of words there. Thanks for telling on yourself. So they always have a way to avoid the door slam and it doesn't come out of nowhere. They just choose to continue on like nothing is going on until I decide to cut them out of my life permanently. I have door slammed family so why they think I will tolerate the dumb stuff is something of a mystery to me. They just never seem to get the fact that I am not like other people they are used to dealing with. And yes it is extremely liberating to door slam someone who has acted like a self interested fool.
I think most INFJs always give the other party the opportunity to address the issues, they choose not to and then are surprised when they are door slammed!
This was certainly not the case in my situation. When my best friend door slammed me, there were no conversations beforehand about, "I've really been feeling this way lately..." There was nothing. It was a slow fade, and then an official, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore," but no previous attempts at fixing anything. I didn't know anything had even been wrong between us or that she had had a problem with me at all.
@@juliannebigler8669 There is always exceptions to any rule. Maybe this case you are speaking on was different but most people give plenty of signs and attempts to reconcile before the door slam.
The point is this: Why do you even think about taking advantage of people, exploiting or disrespecting them? As INFJs, we simply do not believe in this, and, as a matter of principle, do not treat others in this way. If you wish to maintain a relationship with an INFJ, it is very simple: Behave like a decent human being. That should be the baseline! It is not an inaccessible standard, and we are generally very reasonable and tolerant. If you're overcome with the more base instincts, then expect the door slam at some point.
Exactly, what an ass a person has to be to be "slammed" by the most understanding, tolerant, and empathetic (infj) friend possible? Why some people expect kind people to be stupid? And saying that infj slams doors sounds like gaslighting.
So accurate...as an INFJ it's not one thing/prank or even fault that makes me close the door on them, it's that last thing...that straw that broke my back
I’m an INFJ, because I adapt to the energies of the people I interact with, I’m the most tolerant of people’s ‘misbehaviours’ UNTIL I can’t hold it in anymore… and at that breaking point, I just become indifferent to protect my emotions (mostly to protect myself from future disappointments, which being intuitive I KNOW will happen again).
We might forget what they did, but we never forget the feelings we have around them. We are guarded and intensely determined to protect our peace. Once we realize it’s no use waiting for the Zebra to change its stripes, we must look at ourselves and ask why we allowed it for so long. We are saddened by the abuse we have allowed and have compassion for ourselves and eventually compassion for them as well. It’s a process (albeit personal)
My doorslams are vicious and cruel because no one saw it coming and last strike and their out! too many chances given and they didn;r value you as a person and over stepped their boundaries.
I've done that once in my lifetime, and i'm only 28. Now that i look back at it, i am very surprised on how cold i was to that person. But yes. Once the door slams, it's almost impossible to open again.
I have door slammed people who refused to change after a lot of effort on my part. Eventually, if someone refuses to change, it is simply illogical to continue the relationship, so we suddenly decide to go when we make the decision that someone is never going to change from being hurtful in however they are. Edit: for me, the sadness of it is simply the last step of slowly transitioning ourselves from caring about somebody to not caring. When I have broken up with people, I have to slowly fall out of love or slowly transition away so that the break up isn't as hard For me. Then I break up and states what they did that was so hurtful that necessitates that. Usually it's cheating. So it's nothing small, but I want to fall out of love first before I break up so that the break up is easier. Then, I break up and distance myself. The breaking up seems sudden to the other person, but it is not sudden to me. I just don't show signs of it preemptively.
I recently cut off my entire circle, but not necessarily for the same reasons. I was fed up after decades of being denied various degrees of emotional support, until I finally realized narcissists were at the top. They triangulated while the codependents enabled. I tried to save a few people, but all of them reported to the narcissist, either in response to a smear campaign or because they (ignorantly) thought we'd reconcile. Now that I've seen all of my communications pass from one enabler to another, I've slammed the door. A gate and security cameras will be installed. Have great lives.
I door slammed my "messages only" girl who refused to call me. Despite my warnings that a message only relationship was doomed, she always found a way around calling me. This went on for months. Then 2 days ago I awoke with the realization that I no longer cared if she ever messaged me again. I though this would pass but it didn't. I ghosted her for 2 days and then she texted to "check on me" I ghosted. I then composed a goodbye letter telling her that her refusal to build a phone conversation relationship with me had killed my feelings for her. Told her I no longer loved her or desired to see her. Told her goodbye, have a nice life. I'm out. It was incredible how free and liberated I felt once I hit the send button. No stress. I can actually breathe with peace of mind. I don't need anyone in my life. I have my guitar collection and a family of abandoned kitties and we love and adore each other. I am very content in this solitary world I have built around me.
This is spot on. INFJ...our empathy & understanding is not infinite with regards to someone that abuses it, is ignorant of it & basically it doesnt matter who it is. When we are done, we are done. This dies not mean it is sometimes not painful....but better to live through that pain & clarity & evolve forwards than stay in a failed dynamic. Usually its a quiet door slam. No drama. Just the silent expression of the new reality for the recipient. The trust has been broken. Its over.
I didn't realize that I'm INFJ until just recently. The receiving end of my door slam is my toxic second sister. She's about to turn 60 very soon and still love to dust me with her poison. I'm old too and choosing to nothing her when I'm at this age means I really have had it. I gave this "door slam" only to people who have repeatedly violated my boundaries, hurt me emotionally, or proved to be incompatible with my values and ideals. Door Slam is my self-protective mechanism that I use it when I feel overwhelmed or betrayed including when getting chronic toxic stress from the same old person for a very long long time.
I don’t see the confusion around the door slam… the wah wah from those who cop the door slam is more confusing. It’s like ‘you played a good heart wrong and you still expect an invite?”
I'm an Infj too. It's so true that I'm generally quiet but when I get pissed off everyone gets shocked. They never could imagine of such an outcome. And my attacks scars people deeply. I keep on tolerating shit but when it crosses the limit I kick people out so proudly all of a sudden out of blue. Just like a storm. I have done these so many times in my life starting from childhood
We give people the benefit of the doubt too many times. We bottle things in and one day when we door slam for good, that person who bothered us this whole time begins to change. We humble people with that door slam.
I have people in my life, who I cut off after a series of betrayal, toxic behavior, and possessiveness. It was a years of patience. I had enough. Now I am in peace.😂
We don't wanna doorslam you.. We really don't. But when we've given you several chances to proof you can be different and you've thrown them all into the wind. After being long enough acquinted with you to have been able to make a full analyses of who you are, why you are how you are, what your vallues are and realising you Nor the relationship we have will change because of it we have to make the decision of weither this person is still serving our life or only draining our energy and bringing toxicity in. It's not selfish at all to walk away. I don't OW anyone a friendship with me. The problem with most people is they get stuck in their relationships. So afraid they might lose them holding on for dearlife to these toxic unfair relationships that should've fallen appart years ago if only they had any selfrespect and just let them go. But no.. we're afraid to be friendless. Afraid to be all alone. And they know that because they're like that themselves. So when someone then go's and shuts the door on them , Just walks away cold turkey .. They're so shocked cause they know they could never have the balls to do it themselves. Remember at the start of the relationship where everything was still new and they didn't really know you well yet? they were so kind and polite and considerate. But then the more they got to know you and you entroduced them to your world the more they got to know your talents and weeknesses the more things you did for them the more they felt like they had you eating out of their hand the more the disrespect started to grow. You saw how they we're lacking and wanted help them out but the more you gave the more the dirsepect grew cause they actually thought u gave because u didn't have any other options because u were sad, lonely and petty. After all why else would someone put so much effort in them to try understand their point of view , their hurts their needs. Everyone wants love and to be loved and understood for how they truly are. but then when they actualy get the opportunity to have a healthy caring relationship like that they don't know how to handle it. A lot of people don't trust honest freegiven kindness and caring. Or they might do and accept but in the end they won't return it. What i'm getting at ultimately is that as an INFJ what we are all about is wanting to UNDERSTAND human nature, FEEL , HEAL(if we can) and CONNECT on that DEEPER level of absolutely seeing eachother for who they really are and accepting and if possible LOVING them for it. But in a world like this that is just so hard to do. And as and older more experienced INFJ you start to let people less easily in and doorslam people faster . Because we have to for our own sake protect our energy at any cost. We can't keep giving away our energy and attention away to people who do not understand the worth of it or are incapable of returning it or worse see it as a weakness. So yes INFS SLAM THOSE DOORS. But only when needed.
It’s hard for me because once somebody proves that they’re a disgusting person then I need them OUT. Like ASAP - straight away. I can’t engage or continue to be nice to horrible people. It makes me feel degraded and fake. I just lose all interest in the person and don’t see any improvement. I really don’t derive any pleasure from doing it but it does feel like instant relief from feeling trapped with someone. I’m not going to “build up” a person who is mean or doesn’t have my best interests at heart. I don’t want to enable them.
This happened with me and a friend of mine. We had ten years of friendship but I had my limit maxed out when she chose to deliberately hurt me by siding with my ex who was not only verbally abusive but physically as well. He had been in an accident and she called me all worried asking me to talk to him. When I refused she lectured me about my screwed behaviour lacking humanity. Ironically the same ex when knew I was hospitalized and things were serious He had literally texted me on facebook saying 'I wish you die'. But because she meant so much to me i gave in and talked to my abuser. Anyways things were said and done but now I was left feeling empty. For this friend I had nothing but love and support which dramatically changed into deceit and resentment. I tried my best to think from her perspective but nothing was adding up. And that's when i remembered she knew the hell I had been through, I was suicidal back then due the trauma caused by my ex. Also she wasn't there when I was hospitalized and almost at the verge of multiple organ failure. That's when it hit me of the draining one sided friendship I was in. I simply chose to walk out of it but she kept on insisting to talk it out and when i did she blamed me left and right. I told her what was hurting me and bothering me and instead of understanding the issue she slammed me for acting out. That's when she lost respect for good. Even though we patched things up it was never the same because I was decent enough to apologize to her yet I never received the apology I deserved.
They both sound like aholes. It seems your "friend," loved seeing you in pain which is why she wasn't there for you when you needed her and advised you to talk to an abusive ex. What horrible people.
I had a friend for 15 years that I door slammed last year. She has reached out to me twice since but the funny part is she texted me this year a day after my bday saying hey was thinking of you. Never said happy bday so it’s safe to say even after such long friendship she didn’t even know it was my bday. I came to my own conclusion that the only reason she reached out to me is because on social media there was two women/“influencers “ that days before she contacted me posted each other hanging out. These women were two people I remember her being obsessed with prior to our separation. I figured she seen them and remembered oh yea my best friend. I had no interest rekindling. Don’t miss her and her not even saying happy bday reassured me that cutting her off was the right thing.
That is unforgivable prank. Because it is hard already to have a faith on someone meant to be "trustworthy". to do such.. it makes him/her to requisitioning their own judgement
For me it's not just a door slam - it's a you do NOT exist, you can stand in front of me dying and I will never, ever acknowledge you...and when I say I will not speak to you ever again, for as long as you live, even if you were the only other person on this planet, that's it....and I never forgive, or forget!
@@stevemiller8895 why should anyone settle to your preferences? You sound a lot like you can practice what you preach. You can just ignore an INFJ back and it shouldn't matter too much because we are a very tiny population that exists on this planet. You shouldn't have to force or shame someone to have a relationship with you. Move on like the adult that you preach about.
@@KittyLoopy Thank you. Rest assured that Mr Miller did not listen to, nor understand exactly what the video was about. And neither would he be able to understand the level and depths to which we have been driven before enacting a 'door slam'.
@@stevemiller8895 Dear Mr Miller, it seems fairly obvious that you do NOT understand the context of this video. Would perhaps a rewatch of the same benefit you? As for insulting someone you obviously don't know because they express their OWN personal belief system (your 'divine attributes and evil whatevers' are pointless and laughable!) says more about your lack thereof of character and wisdom since you attempted to insult both my upbringing and my intelligence, neither of which are known to yourself. Tis' better to have kept one's mouth shut and be thought stupid, then open it and prove one's own absurdity and nonsense beyond reasonable doubt. Erst denken, dann handeln.
@@stevemiller8895 I bet this isn't your first or last time encountering the term 'gaslighting'. You are a very toxic and delusional person and the faster you realize this the less reason you will feel the need to 'force' someone to be your friend. In fact I now refuse to believe that it is just INFJs that are door slamming you. Hippity hoppity your friendship is poverty. Now you are blocked, also whatever rhymes with blocked.
To touch on the "friend" parable... I am a Sigma INFJ. The reasoning behind ending the friendship over a prank is trust. The girl in the parable trusted her friend not to mislead her. even though it was meant as a joke, it was a violation of trust. With INFJ's, especially the Sigma variety, trust is the foundation of friendship. Without trust you are not a friend
INFJ here. I hate those kind of jokes and people laughing at me, because i do not feel it is nice at all to do it. When i have a true friend i expect them to respect me and not try those stupid prank. Should they still do it and yeah, i am out. Door slam etc etc.
Most likely the INFJ is realizing their own codependency with that friend, and the incident created clarity for the adult INFJ. It wasn’t a spontaneous choice. They are fed up.
yes the tragedy is no one acknowledges how the friend must've been disregarding, disrespecting the infj friend who had highly likely been loving and nurturing the growth of their friends instead of being insensitive, condescending and playing social and political games to raise their own ego and to belittle the very friend that had her back through all of it. It's tragic because people who the INFJ's deeply understand and empathize with misunderstand them.
It’s being told you’re not going to get that promotion. Demeaning you in a business meeting. It’s being left out of invitations. It’s having confidences betrayed. It’s not something we do easily. It is painful. It is the intention behind it. It’s not vengeful.
actually, we not slam the door accidently. we have wide bounderies, wide limit. if you cross it, we'll forgive you for certain time. act like nothing happen. but when we think its enough, its mean enough. n we'll burn the bridge. no way to return. we're not mad. but time to be with you is over. just like that
The comment below this one is from elijahcharles9951 - "they never arbitrarily door slam, it's not what they do but why, they can always detect intentions." So true. Absolutely true. In this video, the critical insight begins at timestamp 4:48-50. Before the door slam, all prior behavior is unconsciously catalogued and tucked away. Judgement withheld, evidence inconclusive. Theories untested, dispositive conclusions not yet reached. Then one day, suddenly, without warning, the final offense causes the CLICK. All mysteries solved. Conclusion reached. The essence of the offender has been perceived and accurately analyzed. Each major or minor occurrence follows a pattern. Offender is incurably toxic. Doorslam!
I've done this with friends and employers. You just confirmed my personality 100% thank you for this illustration. My friend said I bring out the list when I defend my stance on things because we process every word movement jester and it creates this subconscious list that guides us, The list does not lie to us or at least in our world it doesn't. 😊
This explains alot I'm an Aries and an INFJ I experienced a really bad break up a few years ago. He was toxic, controlling, and a narcissist loved being "Alpha". One day I just had enough, I didn't say anything just left. I watched as all his missed calls popped up. sometimes I'd contemplate if I should answer or keep ignoring it. But I thought it through clearly I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who treats me badly so I blocked him out of my life, I was sad at first but as time went on things got better I started feeling good I was happier.
Love this, absolutely spot on. A friend of mine recently tried to get me to 'refriend' someone I was done with many years ago, saying 'he really regrets what he did'. It's no good , trust broken completely can never be repaired, not for me anyway.
It's actually never over something trivial. It's because we can see the actual intention or depth of the event which often looks trivial to others around. Anytime I've ever door slammed it's because the comment or action has a deeper intention but by design looks trivial to others which is part of the manipulation about it. I'm always aware when someone does or says something that, for me to respond to would make me look problematic and onl the two of us understand the depth. It's typically always something that the friend is trying to make you look stupid or trying to make themselves look better at my expense which is something I never do to my friends.n It honestly comes from a hidden competition you have never been engaged with and once you see it you realize that person is a dangerous person to have in your life. So it's seeing a character you cant have around.
The only people I've ever door slammed are people who manipulate instead of honestly communicate and those who are abusive. I discuss the underlying issues with each person multiple times prior to resorting to the door slam. When someone shows me repeatedly that they either haven't heard me or that they have chosen to disregard the things I've brought to their attention, it's over and there's no going back. Their lack of attention does not obligate me to interact further to attempt to clarify the situation for them.
We give several chances to them Forgive them a lot But there is no change in their behaviour Which causes mental stress we will doorslam them.... that's it We don't hate them but they are nothing to us...
Usually it is not that cut and dry. We keep a mental track record of concerning patterns of ones behaviors . It may seem like it was "nothing much" to an outsider, however the data that's been accumulating in the mental bank showed it's time to end the connection . It's usually that last " straw that broke the camel's back" that causes the "door slam" . No need for a review...
It literally happens, I can remember in highschool, oh my goodness, I was the one who used to do it, actually I realize now that, I should not have done that
I had to do this to my former bestie. She just couldn't seem to get why I might get upset that she was trying to get 'my friends' that she didn't know, to join her MLM business as downlines (whatever that's called). I posted something about needing to find more work and half-heartedly joked... please no MLM invites and she proceeded to ignore that and begin harassing everyone involved who tried to help me. I asked why she did it and she said, 'but that shouldn't apply to me, I'm your oldest friend'. I haven't spoken to her in five years and realized who my real friends are. The hubby was shocked I didn't do the door slam to her sooner as she became a user and not a friend. Ah well... I sometimes go back and forth between INFJ to INFP, but still once someone hurts me over and over again, sometimes what seems like a small slight is the straw that broke the camel's back.
I always get really frustrated easily, and although I do control myself from expressing that, my patience is very limited. I know there are jokes that people consider as harmless, but if I don't find it funny, it's not funny. Plus betraying me can be an easy ticket to be door-slammed. Go ahead and do it, I would wish to never you again. It might sound evil, but I'm just taking care of myself and give the other as less damage as possible. Because it could be worse, don't you think?
2:12 I can guarantee that “friend” had done other things that the INTJ overlooked. We notice subtle bullshit, and underhanded behaviors. We give people room to be human, but once we’ve had enough your done forever.
I - as an INFJ - did door slamming too in 4 cases during my life (I am 63 now). In two cases I felt strongly that I was manipulated by that person and that this would never stop. So I did it to protect me from further manipulation and abuse. Those were toxic friendships. And 2 times I did it because I realized that I was giving way more time and support than I recieved from the other side over years (not for a short time or during a crisis). It was an unbalanced friendship for many years. Usually it was one sentence or remark from that other person that made that completely clear to me and I reacted immediately within seconds with a verbal door slam. Afterwards I felt sad that it had to be that way but I never regretted it. There is no way back indeed! When I am done with someone, I am done!! I will never allow this person to hurt or abuse me again. But I also can understand that it is a shock for the other side as they have never seen you react that way before and therefore never expected it to happen. My fault though was, that I waited so long and did not set my boundaries earlier and more clearly and strongly.
See you consider the INFJ's door slam as sudden and unexpected but as an INFJ, I have always told the person their behaviour was out of order and asked them to stop, and or modify their behaviour, but many push, push and push and then push again. People think they will always get away with it but an INFJ keeps score. Why would a life long friend take fun at the INFJ's expense, at what people or they think is a harmless prank, but something that is actually very hurtful and painful and likely the last in a long list of similar actions that person has been warned is not funny and not acceptable behaviour. The straw that breaks the camels back!
What you wrote is very true. Once I became aware that someone was a snark, gossip, or playing stupid games, I distanced myself as I do when someone is unsafe or a pot-stirrer. I don't slam much; I'll close a door quietly, little fanfare. Like you, I already told them I was uncomfortable, angry, disappointed, or thought they had no clue who I was. Door wouldn't be clicking shut if they considered any of my attempts...
@@bernadette573 I think it's called a door slam because once the door is closed, it's well and truly closed. I don't think it's necessarily about having and argument and banging the door. I think most of us just walk away and allow the person to slowly understand that the door is no longer open for them. If you notice some of these podcasts start with how to know the INFJ has slammed the door? I just don't believe any of us usually do it without trying to work things out first. It's not in our nature.
Yes, you ask for a change a thousand times before you quit on somebody. And yes, people wanting to abuse you should go... and love themselves somewhere else.
It takes us a while to close that door on anyone, and you can be sure the person has done numerous things over time. We're generally fair people. So, if we turn our back on you, just know you deserved it. Probably a few times over. ✌
These comments are so, so hurtful. This whole comment section is bewildering. I had a friend end our relationship, though there was nothing I did I can think of that merited it. She never talked with me about her feelings beforehand. I had no idea she had any problem with me. Even the reasons she gave were vague and perplexing, "I'm not the same person as I used to be," "I feel drained" "I can't be myself around you"...nothing makes sense.
I'm an INFJ and this is accurate, I just don't have the mood sometimes and instead of getting mad, I keep my emotions to myself I don't show and tell and that confuses them, I feel left out sometimes but I understand why
Yeah, this is a problem you need to fix. YOU are responsible for expressing your reality and setting your boundaries. It also make you the asshole for not letting them know how you truly feel. This is why a lot of people think INFJ ate fake, and you guys seem to demonstrate that with these comments.
5:03 exavtly. Ill try all the way to work the situatuion out and sort every thing maybe they think Im studpid or at a time thet just keep abusing or laughing behind my so called naivity but I dont care what they do the most important thing and one of my missions in life is to remain humane and try to ease every complicated situation with remaining the same and keeping the balance and show symapthy, but once Im done its done. No emotions no sense of empathy or trying to understand. When its over all those ppl involved in that particular case are finished. YES AND MAYBE SOME PPL DONT BELIEVE IT BUT SURELY WILL EXPERIENCE IT.
I'm an INFJ but haven't had a doorslam before. I have only gotten frustrated about three times and once I come over it if get so sober and regret my actions. All I just need is some time alone after my outburst. Once I get back to myself I'd have that guilty feeling and I'd have to apologize even if I did nothing wrong. And as for trusting people and later getting betrayed, I rarely trust people to talk about my feelings. I once spoke with someone about my feelings deep down but the person never really understood me so I stopped trying to get closer to the person. I have a best friend but never tell her my heart. I just have my feelings pent up inside of me that sometimes I feel like I would explode but thankfully I now have someone to gist with when I'm down and that's if the person is available. But before I can have a deep talk with someone it would take a lot of trust and I can't even remember having a deep talk with someone other than that my friend and family members. Moreso, being a child of God is is really benefiting. Whenever those feelings come like I can't control it or I have a burden in my heart, I just tell It all to the Holy Spirit and it's really soothing because He's the only one I can truly trust.
The door slam can be undone by the INFJ when it is discovered that there was an communication error and the message that I received was interpreted as a disrespect but in reality it was a sign of happiness. But you must initiate the communication (with no pressure), the INFJ cannot restore the communication. Inside to outside communication is completely shut off. But we still receive communication from outside to inside. But do it slowly, very slowly and can take hours, days weeks.
Yes, can't stand a user. I give several warnings, feedback, etc but if you continue to test or ignore boundaries and I've tried talking to you, slam. Done. Check please.
I am sure you did absolutely nothing to deserve such treatment. We INFJ'S are just flakey and blowing things out of proportion. The 3rd time an Ex of mine showed up drunk and was mad because I didn't want to go for a car ride should not have been a deal breaker? We have our reasons.
@@jerrimenard3092 but im sure you guys door slammed people because you guys want to avoid uncomfortable topics and emotionally and mentally damage the innocent. Door slamming is an indicator of top 4 reasons why people divorce. INFJs have bad communication skills, have weak boundaries, and then carry all this baggage and dump it all on an innocent soul. Reality will catch up.
This happens when our kindness is misused, and when we say 'enough is enough,' it’s in INFJ language. We are not stupid, and if you keep crossing your boundaries, be ready!!!
It might seem overly reactive, but sometimes it's a time efficiency thing. Once you've determined that all that time was wasted, it's a "not gonna waste any more time on this fool" thing.
The door slam is not one-sided. It is an attempt to level the field. The refusal to enter a balanced relationship, and strong desire to maintain the previously imbalanced one, is what makes it feel like a door slam.
Yes this is pretty accurate, I notice small things that people do to have a bit of a dig, but then get pushed over the edge and that's it, finished, no regrets.
The door slam is definitely 💯 permanent because those people/“friends” aren’t worth the effort , those kind of friends that are with you when you are unhappy but when you are happy they can’t be happy for you. And when you see people beyond the appearances, what they truly are well …
I have doubted my infj-ness but yes. I have doorslammed people. One person at work. We had to work together but I said and did only work stuff and kept it very short and to the point. I also door slamned a friend who clearly took me for granted. I was her "therapeut" for years and everything was about her and her problems. She lied and didn't show up or was always late. Another friend started talking bad about everything that was important to me. She looked down on weaker groups in society and was very selfish and bossy. In the end I couldn't take it anymore and quitely closed the door.
As an infj who has known every one of the common traits that make you an infj were always traits I undoubtedly have but just recently found out that they contribute to my personality type and after always feeling a little different but never the outcast ..always stood up for the underdog and live by my moral compass day for day and finding out that there are people just like me out there is not only satisfying in a huge way but I feel a little less lonely and I have to say that is something I will forever be thankful for moving forward... But to jump on the bandwagon ❤I have to say the door slam has always been apart of me but def never seen or even slightly concerned about it being a possibility because of my giving to sometimes the detriment of even myself with endless chances before it ever happens. I feel like the person in the receiving end is fully aware that they were deserving of the door slam many chances before it ever took place and they know exactly why and if they don't then it only validates my Decision to end the relationship even more. I would also like to point out that for me it's not really something I can decide like a switch on or off. I naturally go above and beyond to make it work and show that person I'm a true friend and will go into the fires of hell with you if necessary if that's what it takes to carry you out but at some point my heart has had enough and way before it's expiration was due and eventually after so much let down and pain my mind and heart just say no more. I don't talk shit I don't talk it over anymore I don't wish them harm I just don't think of you period. You no longer exist to me. I forgive u and I choose to not deal with u another second of my life. Good riddance
And if they go around talking about me like I just overreacted it's only because they are once again on b.s and deep down know they're messed up and instead of looking within it's easy to rally up the troops for a ride on the hateraid train. Those are the ppl who will seek out people to agree with them when they know they're wrong but are too sick to deal with their own mess. Like I always say... I know my faults..but do you know yours? Truly? I have yet to meet a perfect person and any min wasted talking shit about someone else is a min I could use to better myself
I've just door slammed an entire group of friends. Also I would like to give you a tip on how we usually forgive people, if we left someone probably was because of their behaviour because they manipulated, where mean etc, if they truly grow as a person and change their ways and we actually see that, we can become friends again with that person it happened to me normally people never change but if we see a person that truly has changed their ways we even feel obligated to return with them
As someone who door slams too many times, I'm not proud of it. I know it hurts those I door slammed but I really can't face them as I did in the past. It just hurts me more when I try to "fix" the situation after they disrespected me. Space is a very important thing to me. I need TONS of space to get myself back on my feet, but people wouldn't get it and they tend to barge into my own bubble. Instead of pulling me closer, it makes me feel like distancing myself away from them.
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As an INFJ , I know why I do this. I hit a point that I am not even mad anymore. I am just numb. It's hard for me to let go but once I have taken /done all I can on my end to keep someone around, hope goes out the window.
Individually means a lot to me. When our relationship alows you to be you, but has no room for me to be me, it's not worth my time. Go play games elsewhere.
Yes the feeling I have is just disappointed because by the time the door slam occurs, we have processed all other emotions and possibilities.
I know, when a relationship isn’t going well I keep exploring to see what’s going on. As I explore I may see a lot of bad things come out of the other party but they don’t realize it. I’m at the end I’ve tried absolutely everything probing the other person and tested the limits but they still don’t get it. Then I’m 100% done. That person is out of my life in every way, I won’t even talk about them or look at pictures of them.
Do you ever reconcile???
@@specks_alot who are you asking? And what do you mean by reconcile?
After door slams on my family, my brother and sister, after years of no contact,, they apologized and I let them back only to get the same old crap and in the same old ways. Neither had changed or shown any intension of adjusting their behaviour towards me.
Do I reconcile now. Absolutely not. A leopard can't change its spots . Its just another manipulation..
Took the words out of my mouth!!! Like why am I going to continue to truly see, empathize, support and uplift someone who harshly judges, critiques and is callous in return…adios!
It's a build up of situations that lead to this. We don't just cut people out because they annoyed us once. For me, it was the ongoing disrespect. When I found out the lies which I had only suspected before, and the cheating it was enough for me to doorslam and not go back. It was a liberating experience but one that's been such a painful one.
I hear you! I had exactly the same experience. And I know the 'receiving end' will probably never understand and keep thinking (and telling people of course) that I am childish and unreasonable, but I don´t care anymore. It's over. Period. 🥳
@@guillemmari5588 and @simbasara88 - You've so accurately described "the ongoing disrespect" and the suspected but not empirically proven lies. That kind of gaslighting can be true of both romantic and platonic relationships. And because you NEVER want to be unfair, impatient, judgmental, or dismissive, you wait for a very long time before severing the connection. When I was asked about waiting so long before cutting off toxicity, I explained that there is great peace and satisfaction is being absolutely certain that you have walked the last mile of the way and there can never be any regrets.
If it reaches the point where the door gets slammed, the one on the receiving end deserved it.
I opened up to someone about my insecurities. They slammed the door in my face and used everything I told them against me. I guess the thing I did to "deserve this" was to trust them, and try to have casual smalltalk with them, try to build a friendship. But sure, go on and keep calling me "toxic", just because they randomly told me to leave them alone out of nowhere. And because I actually respect their request for space. So I'm here with all my questions, trying to figure out why people hate me do much. Apparently it's my fault I get bullied too???
@xixi3148 the doorslam occurs when an infj's perceptions are singularly held: Be sure of this, infj's dont seek or receive counsel outside of themselves, so when they make decisions they believe they're 100% right. Yet, they actually don't really know what other people were thinking, or why. They don't ask that, and they certainly don't ask 3rd parties about it. In the end, the porous boundaries infj's have with romance or friendships causes them to give 100% of their emotions, with an expectation that others will perceive exactly as they do. Infj's aren't self aware enough to know how others are different from them. They're rarely self aware of themselves, they require others to inform them of who they are and how they act, they cannot perceive this on their own, but this doesn't keep them from "knowing others".
The end result is poor, but mostly for the infj, as they cut people out unjustly and then believe the other was toxic or in the wrong, for not behaving the way the infj does, but without the infj really even knowing what that "way" is. Ask an infj how the other person should have acted, and they'll stare at you with a blank look.
Rather than door "slamming", I'd say we close it quietly, nail it and then build a brick wall. But that's only after a lot of thought and built up pain.
That prank was just the straw that broke the camels back. The friend was probably an ass their whole life and this was INFJ's point of breaking.
Exactly!
The thing about a "prank" like that, since she was a young woman - her friend put her in danger's way by sending her to a stranger's door. This would be a last straw for me as well
I think these situations are extreme. There's not always some really dramatic thing that happens beforehand.
I would add that while doorslamming is a relief, it's also a last resort to an infj and a painful thing to do.
I’ve had to door slam a toxic family member. When people ask, don’t you love her? I don’t love her or hate her. I “nothing” her. This video was very accurate.
This! Yes I have done this. In a moment of revelation, I understood what was going on over years. I should have been deeply hurt, but when I had clear vision at 2 am after not understanding what was “really” behind it all, I nothinged. I neither hated or held space for a relationship at that moment and now four years later. I am confident in the quiet door shut, and instant wall build. I don’t care I don’t not care. I nothing. And so be it.
From what I can remember in a quote: the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The truth is that INFJs respect themselves very much and they dislike the idea of being hurt, especially being hurt again.
They seem to be stubborn, but they just care and avoid simular uncomfortable situations which they experienced.
The truth is: Despite my genuine love and care for people, I'm deeply disappointed by them, which leaves me feeling cold inside. This, combined with my affinity for heartbreak and melancholy, makes the idea of 'doorslamming' feel alluring and quite liberating to me
That's actually true, slammed doors occur only after thousands of second chances given to the same person and are non-reversable because there comes a time when a kind heart needs to be healed and protect itself
When an IFNJ slams the door in ur face it is FOREVER
As an INFJ, this was an absolutely ACCURATE description of what I’ve had to do to a few people. When people take my kindness for granted or have a misconception about what they perceive to be “passiveness” on my end, they fail to realize that I’m simply collecting data. After collecting my data and drawing analysis, I inform people about how I feel regarding their behavior and if they consistently choose to not value what I tell them or simply refuse to change then I simply walk away from the relationship and there is NO TURNING BACK or reconsideration.
The woman who door slammed me never informed me of how she felt--not beforehand, anyway.
Exactly. We may take a lot of abuse, but we are not stupid. Once we see the pattern and lose hope of you ever changing, we are done and you will probably never see or hear from us ever again. If we DO let you back in after a door slam and you mess up AGAIN...at that point, dont even try 🤣🤣 You are just going to waste your own time.
It’s not that we never look back. My goodness. I know that I look back and grieve. Many of the comments above spell it out so well. It is a buildup of hurt upon hurt. We turn the other cheek so many times and bring it up to them to try to fix the issue, but if they never actually care, why would we stay around? It takes 2 sides to have a healthy invested friendship or relationship.
I think about the people I have had to door slam all the time. I miss them. I miss who I thought that they were. I just can’t go back. If you were damaged and they still don’t care, please, don’t go back either.
It's a way to protect ourselves.
It was the straw that broke the camels back. An INFJ is not going to door slam on one prank to a childhood friend. It's like this "friend" was an asshole all their life and the INFJ had enough.
What gets me about people is that long before I door slam them I always attempt to reconcile the problem first. I typically try to speak about the problem and get them to address the issue. It often centers on honesty and trust and I let them know that I know something isn't right without getting to in depth in details but they almost always stick to the deceit and lies. It's like they think I need video footage to prove the offense and they seem to think their ability to lie and get over on others is going to win the day with me personally. I actually had one person say I had "zero proof" and I was like I don't need "proof" but interesting choice of words there. Thanks for telling on yourself.
So they always have a way to avoid the door slam and it doesn't come out of nowhere. They just choose to continue on like nothing is going on until I decide to cut them out of my life permanently. I have door slammed family so why they think I will tolerate the dumb stuff is something of a mystery to me. They just never seem to get the fact that I am not like other people they are used to dealing with. And yes it is extremely liberating to door slam someone who has acted like a self interested fool.
Yes you literally try to address it with them and give them chances!! I So relate.
I think most INFJs always give the other party the opportunity to address the issues, they choose not to and then are surprised when they are door slammed!
@@angelm6497 Exactly 💯
This was certainly not the case in my situation. When my best friend door slammed me, there were no conversations beforehand about, "I've really been feeling this way lately..." There was nothing. It was a slow fade, and then an official, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore," but no previous attempts at fixing anything. I didn't know anything had even been wrong between us or that she had had a problem with me at all.
@@juliannebigler8669 There is always exceptions to any rule. Maybe this case you are speaking on was different but most people give plenty of signs and attempts to reconcile before the door slam.
The point is this: Why do you even think about taking advantage of people, exploiting or disrespecting them? As INFJs, we simply do not believe in this, and, as a matter of principle, do not treat others in this way. If you wish to maintain a relationship with an INFJ, it is very simple: Behave like a decent human being. That should be the baseline! It is not an inaccessible standard, and we are generally very reasonable and tolerant. If you're overcome with the more base instincts, then expect the door slam at some point.
Exactly, what an ass a person has to be to be "slammed" by the most understanding, tolerant, and empathetic (infj) friend possible? Why some people expect kind people to be stupid? And saying that infj slams doors sounds like gaslighting.
So accurate...as an INFJ it's not one thing/prank or even fault that makes me close the door on them, it's that last thing...that straw that broke my back
I’m an INFJ, because I adapt to the energies of the people I interact with, I’m the most tolerant of people’s ‘misbehaviours’ UNTIL I can’t hold it in anymore… and at that breaking point, I just become indifferent to protect my emotions (mostly to protect myself from future disappointments, which being intuitive I KNOW will happen again).
We might forget what they did, but we never forget the feelings we have around them. We are guarded and intensely determined to protect our peace.
Once we realize it’s no use waiting for the Zebra to change its stripes, we must look at ourselves and ask why we allowed it for so long. We are saddened by the abuse we have allowed and have compassion for ourselves and eventually compassion for them as well.
It’s a process (albeit personal)
My doorslams are vicious and cruel because no one saw it coming and last strike and their out! too many chances given and they didn;r value you as a person and over stepped their boundaries.
This video is bang on! The comments are spot on, too!
I've done that once in my lifetime, and i'm only 28. Now that i look back at it, i am very surprised on how cold i was to that person. But yes. Once the door slams, it's almost impossible to open again.
I have door slammed people who refused to change after a lot of effort on my part. Eventually, if someone refuses to change, it is simply illogical to continue the relationship, so we suddenly decide to go when we make the decision that someone is never going to change from being hurtful in however they are.
Edit: for me, the sadness of it is simply the last step of slowly transitioning ourselves from caring about somebody to not caring. When I have broken up with people, I have to slowly fall out of love or slowly transition away so that the break up isn't as hard For me. Then I break up and states what they did that was so hurtful that necessitates that. Usually it's cheating. So it's nothing small, but I want to fall out of love first before I break up so that the break up is easier. Then, I break up and distance myself. The breaking up seems sudden to the other person, but it is not sudden to me. I just don't show signs of it preemptively.
I recently cut off my entire circle, but not necessarily for the same reasons. I was fed up after decades of being denied various degrees of emotional support, until I finally realized narcissists were at the top. They triangulated while the codependents enabled. I tried to save a few people, but all of them reported to the narcissist, either in response to a smear campaign or because they (ignorantly) thought we'd reconcile. Now that I've seen all of my communications pass from one enabler to another, I've slammed the door. A gate and security cameras will be installed. Have great lives.
Once I door slam, trust and believe that it is NOT painful for me since I have already detached from the person.
I door slammed my "messages only" girl who refused to call me. Despite my warnings that a message only relationship was doomed, she always found a way around calling me. This went on for months. Then 2 days ago I awoke with the realization that I no longer cared if she ever messaged me again. I though this would pass but it didn't. I ghosted her for 2 days and then she texted to "check on me" I ghosted. I then composed a goodbye letter telling her that her refusal to build a phone conversation relationship with me had killed my feelings for her. Told her I no longer loved her or desired to see her. Told her goodbye, have a nice life. I'm out. It was incredible how free and liberated I felt once I hit the send button. No stress. I can actually breathe with peace of mind. I don't need anyone in my life. I have my guitar collection and a family of abandoned kitties and we love and adore each other. I am very content in this solitary world I have built around me.
Scammer refuse to make calls so get them on a call and video to make sure it's them as soon as possible ❤
Once someone shows you their true colors, you have to slam the door. ✝️
This is spot on.
INFJ...our empathy & understanding is not infinite with regards to someone that abuses it, is ignorant of it & basically it doesnt matter who it is. When we are done, we are done. This dies not mean it is sometimes not painful....but better to live through that pain & clarity & evolve forwards than stay in a failed dynamic.
Usually its a quiet door slam. No drama. Just the silent expression of the new reality for the recipient.
The trust has been broken.
Its over.
I didn't realize that I'm INFJ until just recently. The receiving end of my door slam is my toxic second sister. She's about to turn 60 very soon and still love to dust me with her poison. I'm old too and choosing to nothing her when I'm at this age means I really have had it. I gave this "door slam" only to people who have repeatedly violated my boundaries, hurt me emotionally, or proved to be incompatible with my values and ideals. Door Slam is my self-protective mechanism that I use it when I feel overwhelmed or betrayed including when getting chronic toxic stress from the same old person for a very long long time.
I don’t see the confusion around the door slam… the wah wah from those who cop the door slam is more confusing. It’s like ‘you played a good heart wrong and you still expect an invite?”
I'm an Infj too. It's so true that I'm generally quiet but when I get pissed off everyone gets shocked. They never could imagine of such an outcome. And my attacks scars people deeply. I keep on tolerating shit but when it crosses the limit I kick people out so proudly all of a sudden out of blue. Just like a storm. I have done these so many times in my life starting from childhood
They got shocked, but weren't kind enough to stop abusing you before.
We give people the benefit of the doubt too many times. We bottle things in and one day when we door slam for good, that person who bothered us this whole time begins to change. We humble people with that door slam.
💜
That is correct! We will nothing you
Yeah it wasn't just a prank there was far more BS going on in that friendship than people realised. That was just the end of all the BS for her
I have people in my life, who I cut off after a series of betrayal, toxic behavior, and possessiveness. It was a years of patience. I had enough. Now I am in peace.😂
We don't wanna doorslam you.. We really don't. But when we've given you several chances to proof you can be different and you've thrown them all into the wind. After being long enough acquinted with you to have been able to make a full analyses of who you are, why you are how you are, what your vallues are and realising you Nor the relationship we have will change because of it we have to make the decision of weither this person is still serving our life or only draining our energy and bringing toxicity in. It's not selfish at all to walk away. I don't OW anyone a friendship with me. The problem with most people is they get stuck in their relationships. So afraid they might lose them holding on for dearlife to these toxic unfair relationships that should've fallen appart years ago if only they had any selfrespect and just let them go. But no.. we're afraid to be friendless. Afraid to be all alone. And they know that because they're like that themselves. So when someone then go's and shuts the door on them , Just walks away cold turkey .. They're so shocked cause they know they could never have the balls to do it themselves. Remember at the start of the relationship where everything was still new and they didn't really know you well yet? they were so kind and polite and considerate. But then the more they got to know you and you entroduced them to your world the more they got to know your talents and weeknesses the more things you did for them the more they felt like they had you eating out of their hand the more the disrespect started to grow. You saw how they we're lacking and wanted help them out but the more you gave the more the dirsepect grew cause they actually thought u gave because u didn't have any other options because u were sad, lonely and petty. After all why else would someone put so much effort in them to try understand their point of view , their hurts their needs. Everyone wants love and to be loved and understood for how they truly are. but then when they actualy get the opportunity to have a healthy caring relationship like that they don't know how to handle it. A lot of people don't trust honest freegiven kindness and caring. Or they might do and accept but in the end they won't return it. What i'm getting at ultimately is that as an INFJ what we are all about is wanting to UNDERSTAND human nature, FEEL , HEAL(if we can) and CONNECT on that DEEPER level of absolutely seeing eachother for who they really are and accepting and if possible LOVING them for it. But in a world like this that is just so hard to do. And as and older more experienced INFJ you start to let people less easily in and doorslam people faster . Because we have to for our own sake protect our energy at any cost. We can't keep giving away our energy and attention away to people who do not understand the worth of it or are incapable of returning it or worse see it as a weakness. So yes INFS SLAM THOSE DOORS. But only when needed.
SAY THAT SHIT -- u just explained my whole life and internal process, thanks for writing this. I feel hella understood within it
It’s hard for me because once somebody proves that they’re a disgusting person then I need them OUT. Like ASAP - straight away. I can’t engage or continue to be nice to horrible people. It makes me feel degraded and fake. I just lose all interest in the person and don’t see any improvement. I really don’t derive any pleasure from doing it but it does feel like instant relief from feeling trapped with someone. I’m not going to “build up” a person who is mean or doesn’t have my best interests at heart. I don’t want to enable them.
Wow! I'm an INFJ and this description of slamming the door is an amazingly accurate description of my behavior.
This happened with me and a friend of mine. We had ten years of friendship but I had my limit maxed out when she chose to deliberately hurt me by siding with my ex who was not only verbally abusive but physically as well. He had been in an accident and she called me all worried asking me to talk to him. When I refused she lectured me about my screwed behaviour lacking humanity. Ironically the same ex when knew I was hospitalized and things were serious He had literally texted me on facebook saying 'I wish you die'. But because she meant so much to me i gave in and talked to my abuser. Anyways things were said and done but now I was left feeling empty. For this friend I had nothing but love and support which dramatically changed into deceit and resentment. I tried my best to think from her perspective but nothing was adding up. And that's when i remembered she knew the hell I had been through, I was suicidal back then due the trauma caused by my ex. Also she wasn't there when I was hospitalized and almost at the verge of multiple organ failure. That's when it hit me of the draining one sided friendship I was in. I simply chose to walk out of it but she kept on insisting to talk it out and when i did she blamed me left and right. I told her what was hurting me and bothering me and instead of understanding the issue she slammed me for acting out. That's when she lost respect for good. Even though we patched things up it was never the same because I was decent enough to apologize to her yet I never received the apology I deserved.
With friends like that who needs enemies. Probably wants to sleep with your abusive ex
They both sound like aholes. It seems your "friend," loved seeing you in pain which is why she wasn't there for you when you needed her and advised you to talk to an abusive ex. What horrible people.
I had a friend for 15 years that I door slammed last year. She has reached out to me twice since but the funny part is she texted me this year a day after my bday saying hey was thinking of you. Never said happy bday so it’s safe to say even after such long friendship she didn’t even know it was my bday. I came to my own conclusion that the only reason she reached out to me is because on social media there was two women/“influencers “ that days before she contacted me posted each other hanging out. These women were two people I remember her being obsessed with prior to our separation. I figured she seen them and remembered oh yea my best friend. I had no interest rekindling. Don’t miss her and her not even saying happy bday reassured me that cutting her off was the right thing.
This analysis is penetrating, precise, and absolutely true on so many levels. And it only took five minutes. Deep-freeze, ice-cube truth.
That is unforgivable prank. Because it is hard already to have a faith on someone meant to be "trustworthy". to do such.. it makes him/her to requisitioning their own judgement
For me it's not just a door slam - it's a you do NOT exist, you can stand in front of me dying and I will never, ever acknowledge you...and when I say I will not speak to you ever again, for as long as you live, even if you were the only other person on this planet, that's it....and I never forgive, or forget!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻Yes!
@@stevemiller8895 why should anyone settle to your preferences? You sound a lot like you can practice what you preach. You can just ignore an INFJ back and it shouldn't matter too much because we are a very tiny population that exists on this planet. You shouldn't have to force or shame someone to have a relationship with you. Move on like the adult that you preach about.
@@KittyLoopy Thank you. Rest assured that Mr Miller did not listen to, nor understand exactly what the video was about. And neither would he be able to understand the level and depths to which we have been driven before enacting a 'door slam'.
@@stevemiller8895 Dear Mr Miller, it seems fairly obvious that you do NOT understand the context of this video. Would perhaps a rewatch of the same benefit you? As for insulting someone you obviously don't know because they express their OWN personal belief system (your 'divine attributes and evil whatevers' are pointless and laughable!) says more about your lack thereof of character and wisdom since you attempted to insult both my upbringing and my intelligence, neither of which are known to yourself. Tis' better to have kept one's mouth shut and be thought stupid, then open it and prove one's own absurdity and nonsense beyond reasonable doubt.
Erst denken, dann handeln.
@@stevemiller8895 I bet this isn't your first or last time encountering the term 'gaslighting'. You are a very toxic and delusional person and the faster you realize this the less reason you will feel the need to 'force' someone to be your friend. In fact I now refuse to believe that it is just INFJs that are door slamming you. Hippity hoppity your friendship is poverty. Now you are blocked, also whatever rhymes with blocked.
Very accurate. As an INFJ, this is how my mind works when I slam door at people.
This is accurately me :D Nice to show the receiving end's perspective too!
To touch on the "friend" parable... I am a Sigma INFJ. The reasoning behind ending the friendship over a prank is trust. The girl in the parable trusted her friend not to mislead her. even though it was meant as a joke, it was a violation of trust. With INFJ's, especially the Sigma variety, trust is the foundation of friendship. Without trust you are not a friend
You're right. When I lose trust in someone, I don't feel safe around them at all. So they'll get nothing else from me after that.
Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. Trust is paramount. Take care.
Indifferent to their existence like yesterdays who ain't worth words 💯
INFJ here. I hate those kind of jokes and people laughing at me, because i do not feel it is nice at all to do it. When i have a true friend i expect them to respect me and not try those stupid prank. Should they still do it and yeah, i am out. Door slam etc etc.
Most likely the INFJ is realizing their own codependency with that friend, and the incident created clarity for the adult INFJ. It wasn’t a spontaneous choice. They are fed up.
If I ever questioned whether I was an INFJ I don’t any longer. I really enjoyed this video 👍
Finally someone who understands
Quit a job abruptly. There was a last straw. Door is closed.
You too??? OMG That's great! I'm not the only one who does that!
Same!
Me too I was like am done…and that was that…😢
yes the tragedy is no one acknowledges how the friend must've been disregarding, disrespecting the infj friend who had highly likely been loving and nurturing the growth of their friends instead of being insensitive, condescending and playing social and political games to raise their own ego and to belittle the very friend that had her back through all of it.
It's tragic because people who the INFJ's deeply understand and empathize with misunderstand them.
there was definitely more bullying incidents then the one where she gave the wrong directions and many warnings.
It’s being told you’re not going to get that promotion. Demeaning you in a business meeting. It’s being left out of invitations. It’s having confidences betrayed. It’s not something we do easily. It is painful. It is the intention behind it. It’s not vengeful.
This is one of the best videos about the INFJ doorslam
actually, we not slam the door accidently. we have wide bounderies, wide limit. if you cross it, we'll forgive you for certain time. act like nothing happen. but when we think its enough, its mean enough. n we'll burn the bridge. no way to return.
we're not mad. but time to be with you is over. just like that
The comment below this one is from elijahcharles9951 - "they never arbitrarily door slam, it's not what they do but why, they can always detect intentions."
So true. Absolutely true. In this video, the critical insight begins at timestamp 4:48-50. Before the door slam, all prior behavior is unconsciously catalogued and tucked away. Judgement withheld, evidence inconclusive. Theories untested, dispositive conclusions not yet reached. Then one day, suddenly, without warning, the final offense causes the CLICK. All mysteries solved. Conclusion reached. The essence of the offender has been perceived and accurately analyzed. Each major or minor occurrence follows a pattern. Offender is incurably toxic. Doorslam!
👍🏻🎯
I've done this with friends and employers. You just confirmed my personality 100% thank you for this illustration. My friend said I bring out the list when I defend my stance on things because we process every word movement jester and it creates this subconscious list that guides us, The list does not lie to us or at least in our world it doesn't. 😊
This explains alot I'm an Aries and an INFJ I experienced a really bad break up a few years ago. He was toxic, controlling, and a narcissist loved being "Alpha". One day I just had enough, I didn't say anything just left. I watched as all his missed calls popped up. sometimes I'd contemplate if I should answer or keep ignoring it. But I thought it through clearly I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who treats me badly so I blocked him out of my life, I was sad at first but as time went on things got better I started feeling good I was happier.
Spot on except for the end. If there were the slightest possibility of the door being reopened, it never would have been closed to begin with.
Love this, absolutely spot on. A friend of mine recently tried to get me to 'refriend' someone I was done with many years ago, saying 'he really regrets what he did'. It's no good , trust broken completely can never be repaired, not for me anyway.
I wish people would leave me the hell alone…period!
It's actually never over something trivial. It's because we can see the actual intention or depth of the event which often looks trivial to others around. Anytime I've ever door slammed it's because the comment or action has a deeper intention but by design looks trivial to others which is part of the manipulation about it. I'm always aware when someone does or says something that, for me to respond to would make me look problematic and onl the two of us understand the depth. It's typically always something that the friend is trying to make you look stupid or trying to make themselves look better at my expense which is something I never do to my friends.n It honestly comes from a hidden competition you have never been engaged with and once you see it you realize that person is a dangerous person to have in your life. So it's seeing a character you cant have around.
Yes, actual intentions matter, manipulation and gaslighting slam the door, not infj.
The only people I've ever door slammed are people who manipulate instead of honestly communicate and those who are abusive. I discuss the underlying issues with each person multiple times prior to resorting to the door slam. When someone shows me repeatedly that they either haven't heard me or that they have chosen to disregard the things I've brought to their attention, it's over and there's no going back. Their lack of attention does not obligate me to interact further to attempt to clarify the situation for them.
We give several chances to them
Forgive them a lot
But there is no change in their behaviour
Which causes mental stress we will doorslam them.... that's it
We don't hate them but they are nothing to us...
Usually it is not that cut and dry. We keep a mental track record of concerning patterns of ones behaviors . It may seem like it was "nothing much" to an outsider, however the data that's been accumulating in the mental bank showed it's time to end the connection . It's usually that last " straw that broke the camel's back" that causes the "door slam" . No need for a review...
It literally happens, I can remember in highschool, oh my goodness, I was the one who used to do it, actually I realize now that, I should not have done that
I had to do this to my former bestie. She just couldn't seem to get why I might get upset that she was trying to get 'my friends' that she didn't know, to join her MLM business as downlines (whatever that's called). I posted something about needing to find more work and half-heartedly joked... please no MLM invites and she proceeded to ignore that and begin harassing everyone involved who tried to help me. I asked why she did it and she said, 'but that shouldn't apply to me, I'm your oldest friend'. I haven't spoken to her in five years and realized who my real friends are. The hubby was shocked I didn't do the door slam to her sooner as she became a user and not a friend. Ah well... I sometimes go back and forth between INFJ to INFP, but still once someone hurts me over and over again, sometimes what seems like a small slight is the straw that broke the camel's back.
I always get really frustrated easily, and although I do control myself from expressing that, my patience is very limited. I know there are jokes that people consider as harmless, but if I don't find it funny, it's not funny. Plus betraying me can be an easy ticket to be door-slammed. Go ahead and do it, I would wish to never you again. It might sound evil, but I'm just taking care of myself and give the other as less damage as possible. Because it could be worse, don't you think?
And like she said: It is “liberating”. Isn’t it?
2:12 I can guarantee that “friend” had done other things that the INTJ overlooked. We notice subtle bullshit, and underhanded behaviors. We give people room to be human, but once we’ve had enough your done forever.
I - as an INFJ - did door slamming too in 4 cases during my life (I am 63 now). In two cases I felt strongly that I was manipulated by that person and that this would never stop. So I did it to protect me from further manipulation and abuse. Those were toxic friendships. And 2 times I did it because I realized that I was giving way more time and support than I recieved from the other side over years (not for a short time or during a crisis). It was an unbalanced friendship for many years. Usually it was one sentence or remark from that other person that made that completely clear to me and I reacted immediately within seconds with a verbal door slam. Afterwards I felt sad that it had to be that way but I never regretted it. There is no way back indeed! When I am done with someone, I am done!! I will never allow this person to hurt or abuse me again. But I also can understand that it is a shock for the other side as they have never seen you react that way before and therefore never expected it to happen. My fault though was, that I waited so long and did not set my boundaries earlier and more clearly and strongly.
Sounds like healthy boundaries.
Exactly!!!!!
💯👍🏽 totally agree.. they never arbitrarily slam, it's not what they do but why, they can always detect intentions..😁
See you consider the INFJ's door slam as sudden and unexpected but as an INFJ, I have always told the person their behaviour was out of order and asked them to stop, and or modify their behaviour, but many push, push and push and then push again. People think they will always get away with it but an INFJ keeps score.
Why would a life long friend take fun at the INFJ's expense, at what people or they think is a harmless prank, but something that is actually very hurtful and painful and likely the last in a long list of similar actions that person has been warned is not funny and not acceptable behaviour.
The straw that breaks the camels back!
What you wrote is very true. Once I became aware that someone was a snark, gossip, or playing stupid games, I distanced myself as I do when someone is unsafe or a pot-stirrer. I don't slam much; I'll close a door quietly, little fanfare. Like you, I already told them I was uncomfortable, angry, disappointed, or thought they had no clue who I was. Door wouldn't be clicking shut if they considered any of my attempts...
@@bernadette573 I think it's called a door slam because once the door is closed, it's well and truly closed. I don't think it's necessarily about having and argument and banging the door. I think most of us just walk away and allow the person to slowly understand that the door is no longer open for them.
If you notice some of these podcasts start with how to know the INFJ has slammed the door?
I just don't believe any of us usually do it without trying to work things out first. It's not in our nature.
@@bernadette573 100% correct. I totally agree.
Yes, you ask for a change a thousand times before you quit on somebody. And yes, people wanting to abuse you should go... and love themselves somewhere else.
@@goworldwide rather hate themselves elsewhere.
It takes us a while to close that door on anyone, and you can be sure the person has done numerous things over time. We're generally fair people. So, if we turn our back on you, just know you deserved it. Probably a few times over. ✌
These comments are so, so hurtful. This whole comment section is bewildering. I had a friend end our relationship, though there was nothing I did I can think of that merited it. She never talked with me about her feelings beforehand. I had no idea she had any problem with me. Even the reasons she gave were vague and perplexing, "I'm not the same person as I used to be," "I feel drained" "I can't be myself around you"...nothing makes sense.
We try and understand people - and are very good at it. At some point we may have to leave.
Thissss is SOOO accurate and my eyes are watering 😢
I'm an INFJ and this is accurate, I just don't have the mood sometimes and instead of getting mad, I keep my emotions to myself I don't show and tell and that confuses them, I feel left out sometimes but I understand why
Yeah, this is a problem you need to fix. YOU are responsible for expressing your reality and setting your boundaries. It also make you the asshole for not letting them know how you truly feel. This is why a lot of people think INFJ ate fake, and you guys seem to demonstrate that with these comments.
5:03 exavtly. Ill try all the way to work the situatuion out and sort every thing maybe they think Im studpid or at a time thet just keep abusing or laughing behind my so called naivity but I dont care what they do the most important thing and one of my missions in life is to remain humane and try to ease every complicated situation with remaining the same and keeping the balance and show symapthy, but once Im done its done. No emotions no sense of empathy or trying to understand. When its over all those ppl involved in that particular case are finished. YES AND MAYBE SOME PPL DONT BELIEVE IT BUT SURELY WILL EXPERIENCE IT.
I'm an INFJ but haven't had a doorslam before. I have only gotten frustrated about three times and once I come over it if get so sober and regret my actions. All I just need is some time alone after my outburst. Once I get back to myself I'd have that guilty feeling and I'd have to apologize even if I did nothing wrong.
And as for trusting people and later getting betrayed, I rarely trust people to talk about my feelings. I once spoke with someone about my feelings deep down but the person never really understood me so I stopped trying to get closer to the person. I have a best friend but never tell her my heart. I just have my feelings pent up inside of me that sometimes I feel like I would explode but thankfully I now have someone to gist with when I'm down and that's if the person is available. But before I can have a deep talk with someone it would take a lot of trust and I can't even remember having a deep talk with someone other than that my friend and family members.
Moreso, being a child of God is is really benefiting. Whenever those feelings come like I can't control it or I have a burden in my heart, I just tell It all to the Holy Spirit and it's really soothing because He's the only one I can truly trust.
The door slam can be undone by the INFJ when it is discovered that there was an communication error and the message that I received was interpreted as a disrespect but in reality it was a sign of happiness. But you must initiate the communication (with no pressure), the INFJ cannot restore the communication. Inside to outside communication is completely shut off. But we still receive communication from outside to inside. But do it slowly, very slowly and can take hours, days weeks.
No hard feelings, just lose my number.
Yes, can't stand a user. I give several warnings, feedback, etc but if you continue to test or ignore boundaries and I've tried talking to you, slam. Done. Check please.
Once I get all the evidence I need, I let go. At first, if they are showing off signs, I proceed with precaution until they themselves prove me right.
I'm Enfp and I can say that the Infj door slam really hurts a lot
I confirm, ita one of the most horrivel experiences with some one.
I am sure you did absolutely nothing to deserve such treatment. We INFJ'S are just flakey and blowing things out of proportion. The 3rd time an Ex of mine showed up drunk and was mad because I didn't want to go for a car ride should not have been a deal breaker? We have our reasons.
@@jerrimenard3092 but im sure you guys door slammed people because you guys want to avoid uncomfortable topics and emotionally and mentally damage the innocent.
Door slamming is an indicator of top 4 reasons why people divorce. INFJs have bad communication skills, have weak boundaries, and then carry all this baggage and dump it all on an innocent soul.
Reality will catch up.
The only thing worse than an INFJ door slam is a failed INFJ door slam.
This happens when our kindness is misused, and when we say 'enough is enough,' it’s in INFJ language. We are not stupid, and if you keep crossing your boundaries, be ready!!!
It might seem overly reactive, but sometimes it's a time efficiency thing. Once you've determined that all that time was wasted, it's a "not gonna waste any more time on this fool" thing.
The door slam is not one-sided. It is an attempt to level the field. The refusal to enter a balanced relationship, and strong desire to maintain the previously imbalanced one, is what makes it feel like a door slam.
Yes this is pretty accurate, I notice small things that people do to have a bit of a dig, but then get pushed over the edge and that's it, finished, no regrets.
The door slam is definitely 💯 permanent because those people/“friends” aren’t worth the effort , those kind of friends that are with you when you are unhappy but when you are happy they can’t be happy for you. And when you see people beyond the appearances, what they truly are well …
I have doubted my infj-ness but yes. I have doorslammed people. One person at work. We had to work together but I said and did only work stuff and kept it very short and to the point. I also door slamned a friend who clearly took me for granted. I was her "therapeut" for years and everything was about her and her problems. She lied and didn't show up or was always late. Another friend started talking bad about everything that was important to me. She looked down on weaker groups in society and was very selfish and bossy. In the end I couldn't take it anymore and quitely closed the door.
A great video. Absolutely correct! 💯
I can reverse a door slam moment after a while. Depending on the action done to me.
As an infj who has known every one of the common traits that make you an infj were always traits I undoubtedly have but just recently found out that they contribute to my personality type and after always feeling a little different but never the outcast ..always stood up for the underdog and live by my moral compass day for day and finding out that there are people just like me out there is not only satisfying in a huge way but I feel a little less lonely and I have to say that is something I will forever be thankful for moving forward... But to jump on the bandwagon ❤I have to say the door slam has always been apart of me but def never seen or even slightly concerned about it being a possibility because of my giving to sometimes the detriment of even myself with endless chances before it ever happens. I feel like the person in the receiving end is fully aware that they were deserving of the door slam many chances before it ever took place and they know exactly why and if they don't then it only validates my Decision to end the relationship even more. I would also like to point out that for me it's not really something I can decide like a switch on or off. I naturally go above and beyond to make it work and show that person I'm a true friend and will go into the fires of hell with you if necessary if that's what it takes to carry you out but at some point my heart has had enough and way before it's expiration was due and eventually after so much let down and pain my mind and heart just say no more. I don't talk shit I don't talk it over anymore I don't wish them harm I just don't think of you period. You no longer exist to me. I forgive u and I choose to not deal with u another second of my life. Good riddance
And if they go around talking about me like I just overreacted it's only because they are once again on b.s and deep down know they're messed up and instead of looking within it's easy to rally up the troops for a ride on the hateraid train. Those are the ppl who will seek out people to agree with them when they know they're wrong but are too sick to deal with their own mess. Like I always say... I know my faults..but do you know yours? Truly? I have yet to meet a perfect person and any min wasted talking shit about someone else is a min I could use to better myself
This is so accurate. I feel so understood☺️
I've just door slammed an entire group of friends. Also I would like to give you a tip on how we usually forgive people, if we left someone probably was because of their behaviour because they manipulated, where mean etc, if they truly grow as a person and change their ways and we actually see that, we can become friends again with that person it happened to me normally people never change but if we see a person that truly has changed their ways we even feel obligated to return with them
As someone who door slams too many times, I'm not proud of it. I know it hurts those I door slammed but I really can't face them as I did in the past. It just hurts me more when I try to "fix" the situation after they disrespected me. Space is a very important thing to me. I need TONS of space to get myself back on my feet, but people wouldn't get it and they tend to barge into my own bubble. Instead of pulling me closer, it makes me feel like distancing myself away from them.
I love this explanation. Thank you!
When you got someone copying evrything you say and do down to movements thats said. Whats sad
When you have people playing fucking games. .
Dangerously accurate.