[Chromaticity of Fear] [Part 4] [Botanophobia] [What I can’t remember] ------ × . trigger warnings for dissociation, past child abuse, physical abuse, and repressed trauma. × × . if you are sensitive to the above topics, feel free to skip the story below . × ----------------------------------------------------- . {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} “My mom recently found termites in our attic, when she was cleaning out a bunch of our old boxes. We called pest control, they told us these termites had been here for a long while, and that we should evacuate the house for about a month or so while everything gets cleared up and repaired. My mom’s so stressed out about all this, the bills are driving her up the wall… In the meantime, she says we’ll stay with my grandma while everything gets situated.” ███ “I haven’t been in this house for forever, I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was here. I mean, I can…kind of. I know that when my mom first had me, her and my dad couldn’t afford to support me on their own, so we stayed here for the first couple years of my life, maybe until I was in the second grade? It was a long while ago, I can’t remember any of it. My grandma’s house is big… Really big… I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I get lost a lot around here. All those shadow-y corners and too-high ceilings. They make me feel…small, and scared. ███ I don’t think I like staying at my grandma’s place. It’s too musty, the carpet’s this really gross yellow color, and everything’s covered in dust so it makes me sneeze, and I think I saw a roach in the kitchen, and the air conditioning doesn’t work, and the plumbing’s too loud. The worst part? it’s all the same as it once was, exactly how we left it 13 years ago. It’s always been like this, right? How come I know that, when I can’t actually remember anything? I’m just scared. All the time. And I don’t know why. Something about these walls and the really old, fluorescent lights make me space out really badly. My parents have definitely noticed, I can’t even really hold a conversation anymore, the brain fog is that bad. They say I look like a zombie. I overheard my parents talk about this to my grandma, and she suggested ‘beating some sense’ into me with an old wooden spoon. They would never do that to me, I know they wouldn’t, but grandma’s always been old-fashioned like that. ███ I’ve been spending lots of time in my grandma’s garden. I can’t really stand being inside the house anymore, I prefer all the rose bushes and fruit trees. The fresh air helps me think a little clearer. The garden’s fallen into a little disrepair as of recently, my grandma says she can’t be bothered to take care of it, and looks all sad and sullen when I bring it up. She’ll never actually tell me why, she’s always been tight-lipped and secretive like that. My mom spotted me out in the garden this morning, she said that when I was a kid, I used to love grandma’s garden, and I’d spend all my time learning about all the different plants and bugs that lived here… That…kind of sounds familiar. Sometimes, if I focus really hard, I can recall bits and pieces of my childhood, in these sort of bright, disorienting flashes that get forgotten as soon as they’re remembered. Sometimes, I can remember lots of wet, bright grass and dirt under my fingernails. Other times, I remember secrets that were too big for such a small boy to keep. ███ It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve been here, and I’ve struggled going to bed every night since, but today was the absolute worst of it. I couldn’t actually fall asleep for a solid 4 hours; I was kept awake by my insomnia and this awful, nagging feeling that I was in danger. This constant fucking voice in my head, that just kept going on and on about how scared it was and how we were gonna die, and how it was all too much and how it wanted out. I could hear sobbing, and I didn’t know where it was coming from, but it was this obnoxious, incessant crying, like I was stuck behind a baby in a flight, but, like, in my own head? I don’t know. I can’t fucking take it anymore, I hate this stupid house and I hate this stupid room and I hate all these contextless feelings I don’t understand. There’s this big glass barrier that’s cut my brain in half, and it’s like this one-way mirror, where I can’t see what’s on the other side, but whatever’s on the other side can see me. I don’t know, I feel unwell. No rational person would have all these thoughts and feelings, no normal person would be forced to describe their thoughts through stupid fucking metaphors. I feel like I’m a stranger in my own mind. It’s so isolating. ███ My dad found me asleep in the garden at 6AM today. I don’t remember how I got here, I think I must’ve sleepwalked. I don’t know. He shook me awake and looked at me all serious, he asked me if I was ok. I couldn’t really answer. He sat next to me, and he told me something interesting. Apparently, when I was a kid, he and my mom would find me asleep in the garden a lot…on most days, actually. One day, they asked me why I would sleep out there in the cold and dirt, and I told them that the bed was a ‘scary place’, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise… He got this really serious look in his eyes, he told me that I could tell him anything that may have happened to me, and I… I don’t know, maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or the brain fog, or just all this fucking stress, but that broke me. He held onto me while I cried and cried…I felt so small and vulnerable, like a scared kid. I’ve gotten very familiar with that feeling in the time I’ve been here, it's shameful and embarrassing. I wish I had something to tell him, I wish I had something I could say that would make all the pain and misery make sense. I had nothing. My mind drew a blank, and whatever was going on in my head retreated behind my eyes, right before I could catch it. He told me that today was going to be the last day we were gonna be staying here, and I asked him if we could take some of the tulips home with us.
I knew I shouldnt have read this because i'd get upset but I did, and I'm crying, I have dealt with stuff like this and this story hit in all the most vulnerable places, It was a hard read but an amazing one and I dont regret doing it, You're a fantastic artist both in the mediums of music making and writing, this song has been playing for the last 2 weeks of my life for long portions of my day and It is now my favorite song. I Am very very wishy washy and so I have never been able to say that with such certianty but now I can, This is the best song i've ever heard just because of the way it sounds, but even more due to the feelings it brings up... Thank you is all I can say, Thank you so, so much for making this, this has been my little treasure, my little safe place for the past two weeks, i've drawn art inspired by this song and have done poems to, as silly as it sounds I really believe this song has made a massive impact on my life, I struggle with botanophobia as well and just, so so much about this song rings true for me, So again, Thank you, I wish I could tell you the impact you've had on my life, the comfort you've brought someone who has lived through similar trauma and just the feeling of company and being understood that your work has brought me. Thank you.
@@nathanrobert7827hi i saw this comment a couple hours ago but i needed to take time to figure out how to respond to it! this comment was really touching to read...i'm sorry you're going through these emotions and experiences, but i'm glad that my content was able to resonate with you and offer you a sense of comfort regardless!! i hope your future is bright and your recovery is fruitful
@@camovoca Thank you, the journey has been long but i'm far from the hard times that brought me down so far. I Am much happier now and while I still struggle I do see the brightness as well, the safety of the garden and protective tulips has definitely been in the form of music and art like this so thank you again for contributing to my recovery in such a positive way, P.S. I dont know how it would work but is there anyway we could talk on a platform so I could show you some of the art I have done about this song? I'm surprised I got a response because a lot of artists dont have the time or care to do that so I suppose i'm feeding off of that and possibly pushing my luck with that request but it'd mean a lot if I could show you and If I could just hear you talk more about what this song means to you and the creation process
A Carbon Monoxide song w/ accordions and Asterian is something I never knew I needed and I promise you I will have this on repeat for the next 500 years
ohhh this song touched my heart in a way that no others have. i have severe dissociative amnesia, my childhood memories are slim to none, and i dissociate through most of my life. this song is loud and chaotic in the way that my brain is. the lyrics describe how i go feel and how i live in such a creative way,,...... i love plants.......
idk the context/lore here but oh my GOODNESS the imagery in these lyrics is INCREDIBLE??? i really wish that i could write so i could like analyze and talk about just how fricken hard this song goes, but at least speaking as someone who has repressed most of their childhood and dissociates often, this song has touched my soul in a way very few songs have, and i just wanted to say thanks for that :)
This song goes so hard I haven't been able to stop listening to it lately. It reminds me a little of Lab Rat which is great because that was the first song I found of yours and still deeply adore!! AND JUST UGH I NEED TO GUSH ABOUT ASTERIAN BECAUSE YOU USE HIM SO WELL!! I'm always looking for Asterian original songs because his voice is so addicting and you use it so well he really compliments this song.
your lyricism is absolute genius. I love how your instrumental sounds like sensory overload lol. I'm a new fan (found you through RIP's stream) but this is a banger, epic job!!!
SO GOOD !!!!!1 THE TUNE IS SO COOL AND HGDHJGJADSLHJ THE BACKSTORYRY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!! introduced me to a new voicebank aswell !!!! also i just noticed you add all of the mp3 files to the description :DDD super cool of you !!!! i oftentimes come back and rewatch some of your videos, namely splitter girl, pupaphobia and heliophobia, and this'll definitely be one of those i listen to a whole bunch !!!! so glad to see you're getting a bit more recognition too (at least i think so ? my memory isn't great !!) :DDD can't wait for the rest of the series to come out !!!! just make sure to take care of urself and don't work too hard on them !! i was looking at weevildoing's post-traumatic manifesto series cause i just found out about it and i was wondering if you plan on making a carrd or something containing all of the character's info ?/gq i think it'd be interesting to see how you lay it all out !! (ofc this is just a suggestion and i'm not trying to force you to do anything !!) aah as a side note: i checked the mp3 to look for this song and i can't seem to find it ? hope this doesn't trouble you too much !! keep up the great work !!! can't wait to see what comes next :DD feels like these songs just keep getting better !!
OHH I DIDNT REALIZE BOTANOPHOBIA WASNT IN THE MP3s VJSKDSKCMZ I just fixed it right now!!! And also yeah I am currently working on a page for all the characters!! But graphic design is NOT my passion so I might end up releasing more info about them in plain toyhouse pages...LMAO Currently I'm revving up for finals tho so its gonna take me a little more time! I apologize for the wait but also thank u for such a kind and wonderful comment :]
@@camovoca ah it's good that you fixed it, thank you :D and that's good !! i'm sure it'll look great, however it turns out :D that's okay !! we just had mock exams so i half-understand, but i'm pretty sure real exams are much more stressful D: take your time in your projects and do what brings you joy/what you can !! no need to apologise, it's alright !! like i said, take your time :) and no problem boblem !!
HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SO MUCH Quite relatable too to be honest,,,,,,,, Also I’ve been giggling at the Kirby on your profile for nearly 6 minutes I have no idea why 😭
this sng i s so good what the fuck i never really liked asterian but you turned him perfectly and he fits the song so well oh my gd i cant get this out of my head its too goood......... /pos
ALSO i fucking love this song sm esp the imagery with the plants and their representations god i LOVE show not tell and allusions to things in lyrical writing, and the vocal melody is so eerie im gonna listen on loop for the 30th time yippee!
![Caliber Girl Cover // ROSE SV [Original by Weevildoing]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/wBj53QRVWA0/mqdefault.jpg)
![Trypanophobia // Popy SV [CoF]](/img/1.gif)
[Chromaticity of Fear]
[Part 4]
[Botanophobia]
[What I can’t remember]
------
× . trigger warnings for dissociation, past child abuse, physical abuse, and repressed trauma. ×
× . if you are sensitive to the above topics, feel free to skip the story below . ×
-----------------------------------------------------
.
{.⋅ ♡ ⋅.}
“My mom recently found termites in our attic, when she was cleaning out a bunch of our old boxes. We called pest control, they told us these termites had been here for a long while, and that we should evacuate the house for about a month or so while everything gets cleared up and repaired.
My mom’s so stressed out about all this, the bills are driving her up the wall…
In the meantime, she says we’ll stay with my grandma while everything gets situated.”
███
“I haven’t been in this house for forever, I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was here.
I mean, I can…kind of. I know that when my mom first had me, her and my dad couldn’t afford to support me on their own, so we stayed here for the first couple years of my life, maybe until I was in the second grade? It was a long while ago, I can’t remember any of it.
My grandma’s house is big…
Really big…
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I get lost a lot around here. All those shadow-y corners and too-high ceilings. They make me feel…small, and scared.
███
I don’t think I like staying at my grandma’s place.
It’s too musty, the carpet’s this really gross yellow color, and everything’s covered in dust so it makes me sneeze, and I think I saw a roach in the kitchen, and the air conditioning doesn’t work, and the plumbing’s too loud.
The worst part? it’s all the same as it once was, exactly how we left it 13 years ago.
It’s always been like this, right?
How come I know that, when I can’t actually remember anything?
I’m just scared. All the time. And I don’t know why. Something about these walls and the really old, fluorescent lights make me space out really badly. My parents have definitely noticed, I can’t even really hold a conversation anymore, the brain fog is that bad. They say I look like a zombie.
I overheard my parents talk about this to my grandma, and she suggested ‘beating some sense’ into me with an old wooden spoon.
They would never do that to me, I know they wouldn’t, but grandma’s always been old-fashioned like that.
███
I’ve been spending lots of time in my grandma’s garden. I can’t really stand being inside the house anymore, I prefer all the rose bushes and fruit trees. The fresh air helps me think a little clearer.
The garden’s fallen into a little disrepair as of recently, my grandma says she can’t be bothered to take care of it, and looks all sad and sullen when I bring it up. She’ll never actually tell me why, she’s always been tight-lipped and secretive like that.
My mom spotted me out in the garden this morning, she said that when I was a kid, I used to love grandma’s garden, and I’d spend all my time learning about all the different plants and bugs that lived here…
That…kind of sounds familiar. Sometimes, if I focus really hard, I can recall bits and pieces of my childhood, in these sort of bright, disorienting flashes that get forgotten as soon as they’re remembered. Sometimes, I can remember lots of wet, bright grass and dirt under my fingernails. Other times, I remember secrets that were too big for such a small boy to keep.
███
It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve been here, and I’ve struggled going to bed every night since, but today was the absolute worst of it.
I couldn’t actually fall asleep for a solid 4 hours; I was kept awake by my insomnia and this awful, nagging feeling that I was in danger. This constant fucking voice in my head, that just kept going on and on about how scared it was and how we were gonna die, and how it was all too much and how it wanted out. I could hear sobbing, and I didn’t know where it was coming from, but it was this obnoxious, incessant crying, like I was stuck behind a baby in a flight, but, like, in my own head? I don’t know.
I can’t fucking take it anymore, I hate this stupid house and I hate this stupid room and I hate all these contextless feelings I don’t understand. There’s this big glass barrier that’s cut my brain in half, and it’s like this one-way mirror, where I can’t see what’s on the other side, but whatever’s on the other side can see me. I don’t know, I feel unwell. No rational person would have all these thoughts and feelings, no normal person would be forced to describe their thoughts through stupid fucking metaphors. I feel like I’m a stranger in my own mind. It’s so isolating.
███
My dad found me asleep in the garden at 6AM today. I don’t remember how I got here, I think I must’ve sleepwalked. I don’t know.
He shook me awake and looked at me all serious, he asked me if I was ok. I couldn’t really answer. He sat next to me, and he told me something interesting.
Apparently, when I was a kid, he and my mom would find me asleep in the garden a lot…on most days, actually. One day, they asked me why I would sleep out there in the cold and dirt, and I told them that the bed was a ‘scary place’, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise…
He got this really serious look in his eyes, he told me that I could tell him anything that may have happened to me, and I…
I don’t know, maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or the brain fog, or just all this fucking stress, but that broke me. He held onto me while I cried and cried…I felt so small and vulnerable, like a scared kid. I’ve gotten very familiar with that feeling in the time I’ve been here, it's shameful and embarrassing.
I wish I had something to tell him, I wish I had something I could say that would make all the pain and misery make sense. I had nothing. My mind drew a blank, and whatever was going on in my head retreated behind my eyes, right before I could catch it.
He told me that today was going to be the last day we were gonna be staying here, and I asked him if we could take some of the tulips home with us.
THE STORY IS SO GOOD?? HELLO ?? I LOVED READING THIS 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 THE SONGS FIRE ASF TOO I FORGOT TO ADD
Damn, that story hit different. That was really good.
I knew I shouldnt have read this because i'd get upset but I did, and I'm crying, I have dealt with stuff like this and this story hit in all the most vulnerable places, It was a hard read but an amazing one and I dont regret doing it, You're a fantastic artist both in the mediums of music making and writing, this song has been playing for the last 2 weeks of my life for long portions of my day and It is now my favorite song. I Am very very wishy washy and so I have never been able to say that with such certianty but now I can, This is the best song i've ever heard just because of the way it sounds, but even more due to the feelings it brings up... Thank you is all I can say, Thank you so, so much for making this, this has been my little treasure, my little safe place for the past two weeks, i've drawn art inspired by this song and have done poems to, as silly as it sounds I really believe this song has made a massive impact on my life, I struggle with botanophobia as well and just, so so much about this song rings true for me, So again, Thank you, I wish I could tell you the impact you've had on my life, the comfort you've brought someone who has lived through similar trauma and just the feeling of company and being understood that your work has brought me. Thank you.
@@nathanrobert7827hi i saw this comment a couple hours ago but i needed to take time to figure out how to respond to it! this comment was really touching to read...i'm sorry you're going through these emotions and experiences, but i'm glad that my content was able to resonate with you and offer you a sense of comfort regardless!! i hope your future is bright and your recovery is fruitful
@@camovoca Thank you, the journey has been long but i'm far from the hard times that brought me down so far. I Am much happier now and while I still struggle I do see the brightness as well, the safety of the garden and protective tulips has definitely been in the form of music and art like this so thank you again for contributing to my recovery in such a positive way,
P.S. I dont know how it would work but is there anyway we could talk on a platform so I could show you some of the art I have done about this song? I'm surprised I got a response because a lot of artists dont have the time or care to do that so I suppose i'm feeding off of that and possibly pushing my luck with that request but it'd mean a lot if I could show you and If I could just hear you talk more about what this song means to you and the creation process
For those who don't know, Botanophobia is the severe/intense fear of plants
Also, THIS IS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH
A Carbon Monoxide song w/ accordions and Asterian is something I never knew I needed and I promise you I will have this on repeat for the next 500 years
ohhh this song touched my heart in a way that no others have. i have severe dissociative amnesia, my childhood memories are slim to none, and i dissociate through most of my life. this song is loud and chaotic in the way that my brain is. the lyrics describe how i go feel and how i live in such a creative way,,...... i love plants.......
idk the context/lore here but oh my GOODNESS the imagery in these lyrics is INCREDIBLE??? i really wish that i could write so i could like analyze and talk about just how fricken hard this song goes, but at least speaking as someone who has repressed most of their childhood and dissociates often, this song has touched my soul in a way very few songs have, and i just wanted to say thanks for that :)
Yeah, I even read the pinned comment, and i still don’t understand 😅. I love the song as well🔥🔥🔥
woah,,,i love this song so much its genuinely so good ??
This song goes so hard I haven't been able to stop listening to it lately. It reminds me a little of Lab Rat which is great because that was the first song I found of yours and still deeply adore!! AND JUST UGH I NEED TO GUSH ABOUT ASTERIAN BECAUSE YOU USE HIM SO WELL!! I'm always looking for Asterian original songs because his voice is so addicting and you use it so well he really compliments this song.
omg this is a banger, keep up the good work!
your lyricism is absolute genius. I love how your instrumental sounds like sensory overload lol. I'm a new fan (found you through RIP's stream) but this is a banger, epic job!!!
Alex... The original, the icon, the former bugman and current BUDman himself!!!! WOOOO
alex my bestest friend in the whole wide world
просто прекрасная песня!!! кидаю в свой плейлист ❤
BABE WAKE UP CARBON POSTED
babe wake up new CoF song!!
SO GOOD !!!!!1 THE TUNE IS SO COOL AND HGDHJGJADSLHJ THE BACKSTORYRY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!! introduced me to a new voicebank aswell !!!! also i just noticed you add all of the mp3 files to the description :DDD super cool of you !!!!
i oftentimes come back and rewatch some of your videos, namely splitter girl, pupaphobia and heliophobia, and this'll definitely be one of those i listen to a whole bunch !!!! so glad to see you're getting a bit more recognition too (at least i think so ? my memory isn't great !!) :DDD can't wait for the rest of the series to come out !!!! just make sure to take care of urself and don't work too hard on them !!
i was looking at weevildoing's post-traumatic manifesto series cause i just found out about it and i was wondering if you plan on making a carrd or something containing all of the character's info ?/gq i think it'd be interesting to see how you lay it all out !! (ofc this is just a suggestion and i'm not trying to force you to do anything !!)
aah as a side note: i checked the mp3 to look for this song and i can't seem to find it ? hope this doesn't trouble you too much !!
keep up the great work !!! can't wait to see what comes next :DD feels like these songs just keep getting better !!
OHH I DIDNT REALIZE BOTANOPHOBIA WASNT IN THE MP3s VJSKDSKCMZ I just fixed it right now!!!
And also yeah I am currently working on a page for all the characters!! But graphic design is NOT my passion so I might end up releasing more info about them in plain toyhouse pages...LMAO
Currently I'm revving up for finals tho so its gonna take me a little more time! I apologize for the wait but also thank u for such a kind and wonderful comment :]
@@camovoca ah it's good that you fixed it, thank you :D and that's good !! i'm sure it'll look great, however it turns out :D
that's okay !! we just had mock exams so i half-understand, but i'm pretty sure real exams are much more stressful D: take your time in your projects and do what brings you joy/what you can !! no need to apologise, it's alright !! like i said, take your time :) and no problem boblem !!
HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
Quite relatable too to be honest,,,,,,,,
Also I’ve been giggling at the Kirby on your profile for nearly 6 minutes I have no idea why 😭
WAKEY WAKEY CARBON POSTED
oo really melodic and overall slay... the mixing and mastering is also really good as well !!
I'm officially in love with a song.
Another absolute banger from the legendary carbon monoxide 🥳
I LOEV THSI SM EATS THSI SONG OMGOM
this sng i s so good what the fuck i never really liked asterian but you turned him perfectly and he fits the song so well oh my gd i cant get this out of my head its too goood......... /pos
you tune him so well holy shit im in love with this song
WAJTING FOR "hydrophoba" TO RELEASE!! (Please make a somg called hydrophibia id be perfect as a part 2 to this grrggrgr)
your lyrics are always so clever and poetic,, i want to eat them
how mad do you think my professor will be if i play this on the bluetooth speakers
ALSO i fucking love this song sm esp the imagery with the plants and their representations god i LOVE show not tell and allusions to things in lyrical writing, and the vocal melody is so eerie im gonna listen on loop for the 30th time yippee!
@@ennnetc THANK U SO MUCH EN i punt u into orbit (lovingly)
i love this song!!!!! i only want for you to be more famous!!!!!
10/10
Being the host of a system and an scp fictive at the same time like
CARBON I SO MUCH LOVE UR MUSIC!!!!❤ Also, can I translate lyrics to russian in comments?
Sure thing!! Thank you for asking first :D
@@camovoca Thank you!!!! I'll try to translate with all my knowledge