How Far Should I Go to Give My Emotionally Abusive Husband a Chance to Change? [196]
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- Опубликовано: 19 авг 2024
- I remember thinking that if I could just hit on the right inflection in my voice maybe or the correct tone or the perfect combination of words or the right attitude - you know, one of subservience and humility so as not to trigger his fragile ego and bring down his wrath - I’d finally get through. He’d finally get it. The wall would come crumbling down.
Nope.
When I finally filed for divorce, he suddenly said he’d seen the light. He’s willing to go to counseling. If I don’t give him this “final” chance (there have been so many “final” chances), I’ll feel like I didn’t do enough.
Is this you?
This episode defines “enough”:
- What a 10-year-old kid and an iPad have to do with an abusive husband and therapy
- Why there’s not much hope for abusers
- The reason your body’s “ick” reaction to your husband’s Hail Mary shows it’s wiser than your mental second-guessing
- How many chances I gave my ex-husband, and how mad it made God when I stopped (Spoiler Alert: It didn’t make God mad)
- Why feeling conflicted in your emotionally abusive marriage is COMPLETELY NORMAL
- What DARVO is (and what it has to do with cats and ducks)
- Why you’re asking the wrong questions
Listen or download the transcript at flyingfreenow.com/196
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Flying Free
Episode 196
November 8, 2022
★ Episode details: share.transist...
★ Additional episodes: flyingfreenow.com
Its so interesting how a man can rip u to pieces tear your heart out break u into a million pieces....and he had the balls to say to u that you dont love him anymore...when u stopped caring about his rants and needs...
Tell him to grow up! They rant and rave, carry on like kids, hurt you so much, then have the gall to crawl into bed and expect you to be willing and ready!!! Then say you don't love them! What he really needs is a rattle, comfort blanket - and a diaper!!!
Holy crap, the woman's story was my exact situation. I needed to hear this, because my husband is saying he will change. He even said he has been trying the last few months, but there has been no changes whatsoever except he started working out. "you are driving the car of your life" I needed that.
In 2016 I was ready to walk. He cried and asked me what I needed to not leave and I shared with him: I want us to go to church, I want us to get into counseling and I want us to have days off, go on dates, see my family....He promised me these things would change. After 2 weeks of waiting, he had not done anything to move us into the directions he promised. He didn't initiate sex or dates, going to church or counseling. When I brought up the counseling he said: "well, you didn't schedule the appointment!"
🤯🤦🏻♀️
Yeah, it was all on me to do it all with the marriage.
Completely understand this
Oh my gosh. This just happened to me. I had filed for divorce and he suddenly wanted counseling, but I am feeling sick about stepping backwards instead of forward. I know in my heart it won't work because he refuses to take accountability or responsibility for any of his actions and we have no intimacy-he never opens up and just uses my vulnerability against me. It just feels like a delay tactic and way to to pull me back in with his nice guy persona. My husband has never said he will change, never says sorry. But suddenly he is doing dishes and being nice and loving. I already pay for all the bills, he never has worked the entire marriage, so I can make it on my own. I need to back up, he is the one that needs the counseling. I am already in therapy.
I needed this even as an atheist. All your advice is confirming everything I’ve done up until now. I’m typing this out cause my emotionally abusive ex keeps calling. But I’m ignoring them, I’ve given him 4 hours to talk today, but he can’t respect my boundary when I ended the call. I love him to death but he will not change, at-least not while I’m around. I’m working on keeping my distance, learn about everything I went through, and creating a new life. But he makes it so hard, and I feel like I’m losing a friendship, a lover and of course an abuser. I haven’t been able to express how I’ve felt about our relationship cause he had me convinced his treatment was normal and my fault. I’m finding so many emotions hitting at once. It happens in 4 months without proper knowledge, besides TikTok and gut feeling. I no longer felt human or respected, emotionally and physically used. I love him and crave his care and affection. It was a battle of words and feeling with him, but a war in my mind those 4 month of being aware of his behavior.
I feel like I’ve given him so many chances and even now he’s making excuses and pushing my boundaries. So I need to ‘Fly Free’! I’ve moved on and don’t want him looming around me and a cloud. This what he is, one day letting the sun shine through, others he’s dark or thundering over me. As the years went on he grew and became grey, even while letting the sun shine through. And now I realize he shouldn’t even be looming over me. I can’t wait to see what’s next, but I’m also mourning the person I was in love with. 💔
Brillent. 40 yrs +(and I had cows) I left. I changed. Life is good now. My health improved 1,000,000 %. too.
Oh I have walked this road twice with the same husband and I could tell right away that his “willingness” to go to counseling when she’s involving lawyers is NOT because of his sudden internal motivation. Typical abuser behavior: “oh, she’s leaving me? Crap, time for some manipulation tactics to get her back!!!” 🤮
Same. 32 yrs, separations, divorce. Remarried him after a seemly miraculous change. Divorced again. All my choices, not his. 40 yrs of threats of suicide and emotional affair(at least)! Only 4 yrs ago did I know what I was dealing with as a Christian woman. God is faithful. God bless you and Natalie! Beyond painful, now much hope. For us all.
Older now, always been single, I've observed some 'christian' marriages in which the wife is emotionally neglected & kept under control, standing behind him, a shadow of her husband. A pastor's wife once told me that one of the church Elders used to make his wife greet him at the front door of their home, wearing only a neglige & knee-high boots. Now, considering this, & other experiences, why would I easily trust a man enough to marry him? Christian or not, to some of these people you're either their doormat or their whore! NOT FOR ME! V disturbing too that some pastors & elders advise men & women to stay with dangerously abusive spouses. Something is very wrong. Something needs to change! And abused husbands need help too. Lets not forget that.
I found your website last week after my husband did something vile to my sister’s property. She lives with us, and he used her and her belongings to hurt me. All over a disagreement over a window. I have been married for 8 years, and together for 13 years and we have an 11 year old daughter. I have tolerated a lot to say the least. I became a born again Christian 3 years ago, and thought God could save my marriage. Now I think the my marriage is outside the Lords will for me. This organization has been my life line and saving grace this last week. Also, a great resource for me. It’s hard when you are not actually physically abused.
This is textbook what is happening to me. Thank you
SOOOO needed this! Where have you been for the last 35 years?
I want to post this in FB and don’t want to upset my youngest married daughter as she thinks I’m a Feminist because I love FF Sisters
People are responsible for their own feelings and emotions. You are not responsible for your daughter’s feelings or behavior.
You have the freedom to speak and express your truth. I would say, allow yourself this freedom as part of your healing.
Oh no :/ Just from my perspective, as her mom, make a back up plan for your daughter.
I was like this. My husband brainwashed me into abuse. I was so positive I was my own woman. Now I'm going through a separation.
Don't tell her about your back-up plan. Don't mention it one bit.
I thought my mom was a feminist for being a protective mother.
Just as a heads up. In this case I was the daughter.
Natalie, it would be an honor and delight to have you as a mom or a daughter. ❤ Gosh, even as a friend!
I'm so sorry your family did not/does not see all this as clearly as you do~ and I'm sorry my parents don't, either. It's a shame.
Your videos are helping me so very much!! I just wish I'd found you YEARS ago!!!
I am finally happy and thriving...and my parents act like I'm still in abuse! They haven't taken the time to get to know the new healthy me nor have they gotten to know my husband. If they cared, if they loved me....wouldn't they try??!!
Nope. They won't. I think my healthy marriage is shining a spotlight on the issues in their own marriage. My heart breaks for them. My father is a toddler stuck in a man's body, I believe he has adult ODD...you tell him not to do something and he does it anyway! My mom, when I started dating my now husband, was cold and _angry._ I was flabbergasted! Where was the sweet and kind Christian mother I thought I knew?? She grilled my now husband with 20 questions like he'd committed a crime and she was a bad cop trying to scare him off! It didn't work. My amazing husband handled it with understanding and grace. He understood where my parents were at, their worry that I was getting into a relationship so soon after leaving my ex. I tried explaining to my mother how *ALONE* I was for 14 years in that "marriage" and she argued with me!!! Really?? Ummm....did _you_ live my life for me? No. You didn't.
I make my own decisions now and my parents fight it tooth & nail with passive aggressive comments, undermining questions, neglect, lack of getting to know this new me or my husband, oh~ and my father who loves to bulldoze over my boundaries. 😂😂😂😂
I'm so grateful God has me standing firm in Him, His glorious foundation! I went NC with my parents for 4 months and during that time I grieved the loss of the people I *thought* they were and swallowed the big pill of reality: this is who they are and they won't change. They are not safe, I can't share my heart with them without it getting ripped to shreds. They don't want to know me or my husband.
Oh, well. Their loss!
God bless you, Natalie, and all the women here who are hurting ❤ You are worthy of audacious love...my sisters!
You give no chances u get out immediately
Thank you for sharing this information.
Thank you for this podcast! I follow a different religion but your advice resonates with me❤️❤️❤️
I love you Natalie
So darvo is like turning tables on your thing?
You are amazing
How do you leave as a Christian? Is it biblically justified? Is it obedient to the Lord to remove yourself from a marriage that is emotionally abusive?
Yes .
Dr. David Clark writes wonderful books on God and Divorce. God does not approve of abuse.