Super helpful! I just did the exercise - profound realizations and I now know which needs to meet and exactly how I’ll meet them and it gives me a radiating feeling of love - I feel seen, heard, understood and that my needs are recognized and matter to myself. And it feels really good!
YES... I also read somewhere that DAs tend to fantasize about other people when they're sleeping with you (especially as the relationship progresses)... Having this information helped me get over my DA lol
@@Cybertron123456 idk man I wouldn't say they're too dishonest, I'd say it's too painful for them to take any criticism especially from themselves so they just avoid it at all costs.
I thought he was the only one that had matched me so far. I felt more for him than any other in my life. So far. It doesn’t have to be the last one or the only one I feel that way about amen. It doesn’t have to be true that he’s the only one who can ever make me feel that way amen❤❤❤
It literally took me 1.5 years to stop crying and grieving every day, but it does go away. Use this time to learn about yourself and your needs to make more fulfilling choices in the future
I had an unprovoked thought a few weeks ago that there is a grief component to losing connection with someone. I miss how thoughtful she was and how excited she was to spend time with me.
Great video Thais! What about the neurological side of grief? When we are in love our brain produces happy neurons, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, etc. When the relationship ends, sometimes suddenly, our brain is in shock and it has to stop producing these neurons all at once. second question - if we can meet all our needs, why do we get into relationships? Thank you!
If I may share my own thoughts on your questions? My desire to be with someone special is to share nightly regular conversations about anything and everything, on top of experiencing shared relationship goals and values. I thrive from human connection, and commenting here feels like I am connecting with the community. When a relationship ends for me, I exercise a lot of self-care. Gym, journal, friends, reflection, being still with myself, quietness, meditation, volunteering & serving others, attunement, and improving discernment are some of the things I do.
I'm so emotional right now. I needed this video more than anything. From the bottom of my heart.. Thank you to you and everyone who had anything to do with the making of this video!
Can you please make a video of what it means when a DA tells you at the beginning of dating that he doesn't want to hurt you? Thanks for everything you shoot ❤
I'm sure it's been addressed in the courses and webiners, are you already in the Facebook Groups? There's a public and a Members Only. If I recall the DA has an, "I'm defective, I'm bad" Core Wound and doesn't know how to do relationships in a healthy functional way, nor have they taken the steps to heal it so they have a hx of hurting others (for several other DA reasons.) It's part of the reason DA gets called a narcissist but their intent isn't to hurt others... they will tho.
@@OregonSingles Thank you very much for your reply, I have watched all the videos about DA on youtube, but I am not a member of any group. I'm specifically wondering as soon as he says he doesn't want to hurt me, and he's never been in a relationship before, does that mean he's self-aware? And does that mean he cares about me because why would he say before the relationship when we were still getting to know each other? He told me that he could see that I was different from other girls
It's super easy when you've known them almost you're whole life, and after just under 6 years together they "need space, cause they've never been alone as an adult", and then they just completely disappear. 😂 well alright then. That ain't human. 👋
I am so grateful for your existence, work and videos ❤ thank you for all your effort and love for others. Best of luck to you and anyone reading this ❤
Well, do you have an abandonment wound? Because if so, grief is a major component. DAs very badly trigger my abandonment wound to the extent that it causes PTSD symptoms.
Thais, I really appreciate your videos, they are a very sophisticated and comprehensive look into the behaviour of avoidant people. Thank you so much for that!
There is just a question that runs through my mind: what if the need the ex gave me was the feeling of being desired? The pure sexual satisfaction for the first time in my life. How do you compensate that as a man?
Thais, this video is so powerful! Having experienced grief not only in a betrayal but also in a spouse's death, this information and understanding would have been so helpful in my healing. Thank you for telling people! But, what about the actual chemical bond with that person? What can help repair that loss?
This was your best video yet. Thank you. This is what I’ve been doing for the pass couple of months and it totally works. Give it a go people. Happy healing ❤
Honestly, I don't even know what those needs of mine that he is meeting or met. It's like, I'm really just attracted to him and I cannot be attracted to anyone else. For sure some other man/people can and will do meet those needs but it's just not satisfying but neither my situation with him!! Ugh! Help!??
I buried my DA emotionally immature father today. I have grieved him for 45 years, after he left my mother and somehow stopped acting like my father (I have no idea why, I can only guess). It seems he did better with my younger half siblings, but for some reason he kept ignoring me and probably told himself that I was the one neglecting him I have lived with that void since I was four., as I was never able to unlove him (I did try), though i did go no contact for a while - to protect my heart, my mental health and my self confidence - and later changed it to very restricted contact after he had a stroke. It is interesting to do these exercises . It is weird to see that he is actually connected with so many good traits for me.
@@eoKingNoodle Thank you for those kind - and wise! - words, which really touched my heart. I thought I was long past being angry with him, but I woke up today so furious with him that I almost couldn't breathe. It was because of some information I got in his funeral, which highlighted how differently he treated us children - I thought he was generally how he presented with me, and actually felt sorry for him, and didn't know he had such a very different persona with some of his other children (I had no idea he could be really generous, for instance), but I think it is a good thing that at least some of them had a better father than the version of him I knew. I am happy to hear that you have found freedom from the story of your FA dad. It gives me hope
@@mailill I am so sorry you had to find out additional tough information, I've known people who've found out the same about their fathers, and also seen parents of former boyfriends treat their children completely unfairly and different. Doting unconditionally on one of the kids and completely ignoring the other. I'll never understand how parents can act like that. I also saw sides to my Dad that my siblings did not know or believe, and that feels lonely at times as well. But like you I can sometimes feel happy that they get to keep their image of him in mind without any of the broken glass so to speak :) You're entitled to your anger! I feel for me it needed to come out and be expressed for quite some time before I could move on to other aspects of the grieving and eventually peace :) Take care and all the best to you!
@@eoKingNoodle Thank you again for your kindness and the validating and supporting comment (I will never understand how parents can act like that, either), and all the best to you as well!
No no, I've seen DAs who put in real effort be able to really keep partners happy, the same DAs that did not work with me were able to rise to the occasion when they found the right one and really put in effort to give their partners a great life!
@@eoKingNoodle So if I live my life in "activated sympathetic nervous system" mode another person might be relaxed for a while. Non DAs don't get it. With every interaction I expect to become the topic of a funny story someone tells their friends so they can have a laugh together, sometimes in front of me. Because that's what happened in childhood, and it's what my family members still do. Open communication about things that scare me is impossible.
@@gregvanpaassen The open and brave communication you shared just here is a great start! There are better people out there, safe people, people who build you up and respect your boundaries. People who mock or make fun of you do not deserve a minute of your time, in that situation you are not the problem! I am quite strongly DA myself and I used to think people and interactions and relationships were all just stressful work where only I had to accomodate and change. I learned I could find other kinds of people :) I also learned to heal for myself, not anyone else, realising I was worth it, and stop stressing about fixing myself for someone else. I really hope you stay open, keep sharing around people you trust, set boundaries so you don't overgive and in time there is a different life out there :)
@@gregvanpaassen Yeah that's a tough one. I think I began setting more boundaries, observing how people reacted when I said no to things or cancelled appointments (when I mentally needed to) and then over time I stuck with the people who respected my boundaries without fuss or anger, if they were people I found I wanted to see more of. There had to be safety and joy present at the same time. In the beginning it's confusing and it feels like everyone has an agenda and is gonna ask for way more than you can offer. I lost hope often, and several times I actually moved to a different town just to get a new start where no one would ask anything of me. But in the end found there were people who were okay with me cancelling things or saying no when I needed my alone or recovery times, and there were people I could have lighthearted fun with and hang out with for really short times at first, and over the years getting used to hanging out with longer. And through all these years people have respected that I don't like phone calls, so no one calls me and if I want to I can keep my phone on air plane mode for days ;) There are ways around most things with the right people :) And when you find them it is worth working through the fears to keep them :)
I've been grieving and missing "him" too long. I know its connected to my Abandonment (from divorce) Core Wound, but there must be something else I haven't uncovered. Is this where shadow work comes in or was it because the break up came alongside two other tramatic events I haven't processed? Has anyone used somatic processi g or the eye movement healing successfully, where do I even find a practioner for that?
There may be some shadow work there, but the way you're responding to this sounds a lot like what I've been going through. It seems like breakups are just getting harder and harder to cope with and bounce back from. I've personally accumulated more trauma through the course of my dating life, and maybe you have some that's combining with this?
I know it's not what you asked so I hope it's okay I still share. For me the missing and finding it hard to let go had a lot to do with grieving the life I envisioned he could've given me. When he dumped me I had to face my own learned helplessness and realise that in my mind I did not think I was capable of giving myself these things on my own. I've lived so much in survival mode, there is so much I don't know about living, I imagined we'd have all these adventures and he had all the qualities I lacked in that I felt I lost a mentor as well. There's no doubt that with him by my side I could've learned all the things I dare not try alone in life. Now I am taking small small steps into building my own independence and skills, and will some day create my own magic and adventure, I need to believe I can learn to open my own doors. Lots of love to you!
This video is mistitled and focuses more on grief and healing from a breakup then getting over a DA specifically. I really like the vidoe, and to be honest, the how to heal from a breakup course needs to be updated or re-envisioned.
@intentionalparenting2605 Truth be told, I wasn't. Which is why I asked. I did tell her that I needed to find a way to move on but I still have a lot of respect and admiration for her. I know for a fact that I hurt her, but I was only gonna cause more damage to her if I didn't remove myself.
Let us know if you found today's video helpful! Comment your thoughts below! ❤
Super helpful! I just did the exercise - profound realizations and I now know which needs to meet and exactly how I’ll meet them and it gives me a radiating feeling of love - I feel seen, heard, understood and that my needs are recognized and matter to myself. And it feels really good!
Do you have a video that discusses how trauma/midlife crisis/depression/anxiety can affect/destroy a long-term marriage with children involved?
Realize that you will never have a satisfying relationship with them, and will always be missing closeness, and you deserve much better than that
YES... I also read somewhere that DAs tend to fantasize about other people when they're sleeping with you (especially as the relationship progresses)... Having this information helped me get over my DA lol
@@Stella-cv4mc wow lol that's awful, I wonder if some DAs can confirm??
I doubt they would ever admit that because they are typically too dishonest to ever reveal the truth about themselves.
@@Cybertron123456 idk man I wouldn't say they're too dishonest, I'd say it's too painful for them to take any criticism especially from themselves so they just avoid it at all costs.
Great thing to say. Thank you.
Dont forget "fast" is relative. Using these tools may help you move on in six months rather than a year. ❤ It's ok.
great point! ❤❤
Spot on. The funny banter between us and connection is what I miss.
❤
Same.
It was the best 😢
I thought he was the only one that had matched me so far. I felt more for him than any other in my life. So far. It doesn’t have to be the last one or the only one I feel that way about amen. It doesn’t have to be true that he’s the only one who can ever make me feel that way amen❤❤❤
There’s a hole in my heart and a void in my soul I hope time will heal.
It literally took me 1.5 years to stop crying and grieving every day, but it does go away. Use this time to learn about yourself and your needs to make more fulfilling choices in the future
I had an unprovoked thought a few weeks ago that there is a grief component to losing connection with someone. I miss how thoughtful she was and how excited she was to spend time with me.
Thank you for this. It came at just the right time in my life.
Happy this was helpful for you ❤
Great video Thais! What about the neurological side of grief? When we are in love our brain produces happy neurons, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, etc. When the relationship ends, sometimes suddenly, our brain is in shock and it has to stop producing these neurons all at once. second question - if we can meet all our needs, why do we get into relationships? Thank you!
it is a shame this hasn't been responded to. They are really good questions.
If I may share my own thoughts on your questions? My desire to be with someone special is to share nightly regular conversations about anything and everything, on top of experiencing shared relationship goals and values.
I thrive from human connection, and commenting here feels like I am connecting with the community. When a relationship ends for me, I exercise a lot of self-care. Gym, journal, friends, reflection, being still with myself, quietness, meditation, volunteering & serving others, attunement, and improving discernment are some of the things I do.
I'm so emotional right now. I needed this video more than anything. From the bottom of my heart.. Thank you to you and everyone who had anything to do with the making of this video!
Can you please make a video of what it means when a DA tells you at the beginning of dating that he doesn't want to hurt you? Thanks for everything you shoot ❤
That this will happen. He will hurt you
I'm sure it's been addressed in the courses and webiners, are you already in the Facebook Groups? There's a public and a Members Only.
If I recall the DA has an, "I'm defective, I'm bad" Core Wound and doesn't know how to do relationships in a healthy functional way, nor have they taken the steps to heal it so they have a hx of hurting others (for several other DA reasons.) It's part of the reason DA gets called a narcissist but their intent isn't to hurt others... they will tho.
@@OregonSingles Thank you very much for your reply, I have watched all the videos about DA on youtube, but I am not a member of any group. I'm specifically wondering as soon as he says he doesn't want to hurt me, and he's never been in a relationship before, does that mean he's self-aware? And does that mean he cares about me because why would he say before the relationship when we were still getting to know each other? He told me that he could see that I was different from other girls
I’m curious about this too. My DA told me last night I don’t want you to get hurt. It seemed out of nowhere that he said that
I'm interested in this too
It's super easy when you've known them almost you're whole life, and after just under 6 years together they "need space, cause they've never been alone as an adult", and then they just completely disappear.
😂 well alright then.
That ain't human. 👋
I am so grateful for your existence, work and videos ❤ thank you for all your effort and love for others. Best of luck to you and anyone reading this ❤
but this video had no specific approach for " Dissmissive" partner, it was a general view into grief
Well, do you have an abandonment wound? Because if so, grief is a major component. DAs very badly trigger my abandonment wound to the extent that it causes PTSD symptoms.
Thais, I really appreciate your videos, they are a very sophisticated and comprehensive look into the behaviour of avoidant people. Thank you so much for that!
There is just a question that runs through my mind: what if the need the ex gave me was the feeling of being desired? The pure sexual satisfaction for the first time in my life. How do you compensate that as a man?
Thais, this video is so powerful! Having experienced grief not only in a betrayal but also in a spouse's death, this information and understanding would have been so helpful in my healing. Thank you for telling people! But, what about the actual chemical bond with that person? What can help repair that loss?
This was your best video yet. Thank you. This is what I’ve been doing for the pass couple of months and it totally works. Give it a go people. Happy healing ❤
Amazing! Congrats on the work you've been doing on yourself. Thanks for your comment ❤
I just love you in a very secure way 😂😂💓
This was very helpful as usual
Yes, i miss that grounding so bad. It was the best feeling. Trying to learn to give it to myself
Thank you, Thais!
You're so welcome ❤❤
Honestly, I don't even know what those needs of mine that he is meeting or met. It's like, I'm really just attracted to him and I cannot be attracted to anyone else. For sure some other man/people can and will do meet those needs but it's just not satisfying but neither my situation with him!! Ugh! Help!??
he introduced me to his family and withdrew
I buried my DA emotionally immature father today. I have grieved him for 45 years, after he left my mother and somehow stopped acting like my father (I have no idea why, I can only guess). It seems he did better with my younger half siblings, but for some reason he kept ignoring me and probably told himself that I was the one neglecting him I have lived with that void since I was four., as I was never able to unlove him (I did try), though i did go no contact for a while - to protect my heart, my mental health and my self confidence - and later changed it to very restricted contact after he had a stroke.
It is interesting to do these exercises . It is weird to see that he is actually connected with so many good traits for me.
Just wanted to give you a BIG hug, I am so sorry for your loss, and for all the losses along the way
@@eoKingNoodle Thank you for those kind - and wise! - words, which really touched my heart. I thought I was long past being angry with him, but I woke up today so furious with him that I almost couldn't breathe. It was because of some information I got in his funeral, which highlighted how differently he treated us children - I thought he was generally how he presented with me, and actually felt sorry for him, and didn't know he had such a very different persona with some of his other children (I had no idea he could be really generous, for instance), but I think it is a good thing that at least some of them had a better father than the version of him I knew.
I am happy to hear that you have found freedom from the story of your FA dad. It gives me hope
@@mailill I am so sorry you had to find out additional tough information, I've known people who've found out the same about their fathers, and also seen parents of former boyfriends treat their children completely unfairly and different. Doting unconditionally on one of the kids and completely ignoring the other. I'll never understand how parents can act like that. I also saw sides to my Dad that my siblings did not know or believe, and that feels lonely at times as well. But like you I can sometimes feel happy that they get to keep their image of him in mind without any of the broken glass so to speak :)
You're entitled to your anger! I feel for me it needed to come out and be expressed for quite some time before I could move on to other aspects of the grieving and eventually peace :) Take care and all the best to you!
@@eoKingNoodle Thank you again for your kindness and the validating and supporting comment (I will never understand how parents can act like that, either), and all the best to you as well!
Thank you so much❤ I feel I found your channel at the perfect time in my healing journey.
This was great. Found it just when I needed it.
As a DA Thais's videos and comments on them about DAs just strengthen my resolve to never get close to anyone. It's all down-side.
No no, I've seen DAs who put in real effort be able to really keep partners happy, the same DAs that did not work with me were able to rise to the occasion when they found the right one and really put in effort to give their partners a great life!
@@eoKingNoodle So if I live my life in "activated sympathetic nervous system" mode another person might be relaxed for a while. Non DAs don't get it. With every interaction I expect to become the topic of a funny story someone tells their friends so they can have a laugh together, sometimes in front of me. Because that's what happened in childhood, and it's what my family members still do. Open communication about things that scare me is impossible.
@@gregvanpaassen The open and brave communication you shared just here is a great start! There are better people out there, safe people, people who build you up and respect your boundaries. People who mock or make fun of you do not deserve a minute of your time, in that situation you are not the problem! I am quite strongly DA myself and I used to think people and interactions and relationships were all just stressful work where only I had to accomodate and change. I learned I could find other kinds of people :) I also learned to heal for myself, not anyone else, realising I was worth it, and stop stressing about fixing myself for someone else. I really hope you stay open, keep sharing around people you trust, set boundaries so you don't overgive and in time there is a different life out there :)
@@eoKingNoodle Thank you for the supportive words. I have no idea how to tell trustworthy people apart from the majority, though.
@@gregvanpaassen Yeah that's a tough one. I think I began setting more boundaries, observing how people reacted when I said no to things or cancelled appointments (when I mentally needed to) and then over time I stuck with the people who respected my boundaries without fuss or anger, if they were people I found I wanted to see more of. There had to be safety and joy present at the same time.
In the beginning it's confusing and it feels like everyone has an agenda and is gonna ask for way more than you can offer. I lost hope often, and several times I actually moved to a different town just to get a new start where no one would ask anything of me.
But in the end found there were people who were okay with me cancelling things or saying no when I needed my alone or recovery times, and there were people I could have lighthearted fun with and hang out with for really short times at first, and over the years getting used to hanging out with longer.
And through all these years people have respected that I don't like phone calls, so no one calls me and if I want to I can keep my phone on air plane mode for days ;) There are ways around most things with the right people :) And when you find them it is worth working through the fears to keep them :)
This is profound. Thank you :)
Can u do a video on how to get over a fearful avoidantt fast?
Seconded!
I've been grieving and missing "him" too long. I know its connected to my Abandonment (from divorce) Core Wound, but there must be something else I haven't uncovered. Is this where shadow work comes in or was it because the break up came alongside two other tramatic events I haven't processed? Has anyone used somatic processi g or the eye movement healing successfully, where do I even find a practioner for that?
There are plenty of men who would love us out here. ❤
If you go to Psychology Today, you can search for a therapist by modality, including somatic and EMDR.
There may be some shadow work there, but the way you're responding to this sounds a lot like what I've been going through. It seems like breakups are just getting harder and harder to cope with and bounce back from. I've personally accumulated more trauma through the course of my dating life, and maybe you have some that's combining with this?
It stems from childhood. You'd need to examine the nature of your relationship with your parents and siblings first and foremost.
I know it's not what you asked so I hope it's okay I still share. For me the missing and finding it hard to let go had a lot to do with grieving the life I envisioned he could've given me. When he dumped me I had to face my own learned helplessness and realise that in my mind I did not think I was capable of giving myself these things on my own. I've lived so much in survival mode, there is so much I don't know about living, I imagined we'd have all these adventures and he had all the qualities I lacked in that I felt I lost a mentor as well.
There's no doubt that with him by my side I could've learned all the things I dare not try alone in life. Now I am taking small small steps into building my own independence and skills, and will some day create my own magic and adventure, I need to believe I can learn to open my own doors. Lots of love to you!
This is amazingly helpful and timely….thank you Thais!
This video is mistitled and focuses more on grief and healing from a breakup then getting over a DA specifically. I really like the vidoe, and to be honest, the how to heal from a breakup course needs to be updated or re-envisioned.
Agreed
Loved this explanation! The intro was interesting here!
❤
Great job Thais
Thank you so much Mark!! ❤❤
This is a really helpful video, thank you Thais.
I asked the DA to block me
@DHards95 know this DAs don't respect anyone who can't respect themselves,just go NO CONTACT..regain your power.Dnt entertain breadcrumbs from them .
@priyak4198 Yeah I'm gaining strength since I asked her to cut contact 💪 my mental health is coming back now.
That’s deep. Instead of you blocking them you had to ask them to block you. Implying you wasn’t capable.
@intentionalparenting2605 Truth be told, I wasn't. Which is why I asked. I did tell her that I needed to find a way to move on but I still have a lot of respect and admiration for her. I know for a fact that I hurt her, but I was only gonna cause more damage to her if I didn't remove myself.
I asked my DA to block me too, it helped
Thanks!
Love the video .. but the stock shots not complimenting
this is amazing! tysm!
This video is Mis titled it should say it’s about how to get over a break up with a DA.
Lmao get a grip. Plenty fish in the sea