An avoidant will make you behave like an anxious type, even if you’re secure. Then, they will gaslight you into making you think that you’re overreacting and need to chill, even though it’s THEM causing you stress and anxiety with their poor communication skills and lack of empathy.
Your statement is so True! I've just split with an avoidant it was too much like hard work. I went from confident and outgoing to a crying mess in the space of 9 weeks. These kind of people are selfish and self absorbed everything revolves around them! I'm on No Contact and tbh, i no longer care, if they contact me again or not! I intend to be a lot more careful when moving forward into a new relationship! Lesson Learned!
So true. At first, I thought that something wrong is with me. Now, when I learned more about this relationship type, I unerstood that Im ok. Its like you talking with a wall. For year and 4 months in relationship with him, I hear only once: I love you!
Avoidants seem to have time for anyone except their partner. Maybe because they're allowed to get away with keeping things at surface level with others.
This. My ex was known by her family and friends as very selfless, but being her partner… I saw the opposite. Like she was practicing to create boundaries in her life and I was the test subject
Damn that's real 😮 This was my sign to stop looking for signs from them. This video did provide clarity on what I was dealing with. Major gratitude for all of this experience. Stay strong everyone, we all deserve pure love 🤍
Avoidant style partner: they avoid you. You’re always guessing what they’re thinking/doing/intending because they never tell you. Block him Habibi. Yala.
Not really simple when you're very damaged from decades that started in childhood and this doesn't just apply to to romantic relationships which is even harder. It's "friendships" too.
@@jac1161its not simple to work on yourself. Especially if you’ve got trauma. Its scary and risky. But its important to be honest with yourself and your loved ones in life. Working towards a secure attachment style as an avoidant be as simple as letting your partner know “hey I’m going on a walk to clear my head. I’ll be gone for about an hour but I’d like to talk about this when I get back. Are you okay with that?” Or “hey I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Can you give me space for 30 minutes? I need this time for myself”. Its really hard to communicate a need for space, especially when its easier to just leave and not deal with tough feelings. But identifying and communicating your needs will be met with understanding by the right person.
I’m sorry. Unless you have children with an avoidant, it’s best to let the relationship go and focus on becoming SECURELY ATTACHED yourself. Secure people don’t usually have long term relationships with avoidant people because the level of dysfunction and stress would eventually eclipse whatever attraction there is. As my grandmother would always say “I can’t be bothered with all that foolishness”.
Thank you. Nicely said. This channel is talking about them avoidants like if they were some treasure hard to get. They are just hard to get, no treasure. So, why? - - When you're in love you're kinda watching such videos but after a year and a half of quite successfully understanding and treating my avoidant, I'm just tired of it and it's not rewarding enough to continue. Avoidants don't deserve it. (They should start working on themselves, not us.)
This does not sound like someone to be in a relationship with. It’s like being with a narcissist without the verbal abuse. It’s destructive to your emotional and psychological well-being.
@@gutta9922yep, especially if they’re being pushed to admit they need to change or deal with something instead of avoid it. Because at some point in a marriage, you can’t ignore what’s happening or not happening… there has to be a discussion in a reckoning so that we can change course. But they don’t want that discussion so they’ll scream and call you names , you’re being too sensitive, it’s just PMS or some mood swing, I do it also, what about their feelings? Why are they always a bad guy? Why do you hate them so much… what makes you better than them to discuss this? you’re a hypocrite or self-righteous…. Anything they can say to stop the real conversation from happening that would cause variability and a reworking of the relationship…. Because that would require doing something uncomfortable and changing.. I’ve been told numerous times I just need to be “nice “ and that would fix things. His idea of nice is never discuss anything negative or difficult with him ever… never challenge him even about small things like leaving dishes out or not doing the dishes or hiding away and playing video games for a week every day after work… forget about underlying emotional issues… we can never get to those because we can’t even get to the things that’ll make our house function properly So I’m left to figure it all out on my own . Until I put my foot down and he realized that he doesn’t get to have this “religious belief” that marriage is a covenant and I can’t leave or I’m sitting still acting the way he’s acting … I didn’t care what he thought what other people thought I was ready to walk out after 17 years. Then, only then, was he willing to agree to push himself and change and rework our marriage from the ground up . I told him if he starts avoiding things again and saying things to shut down conversations (we laid those were out on paper)… We will be back on me trying to figure out how long I want to stay here because I’m not putting up with this anymore
and sadly, we the non avoidant are just as sick because we become addicted to it, with, like all things, roots in childhood. It's where it all starts and for those of us who heal..we find these patterns go waaaaaay back. Tough stuff.
They have to have self awareness into the fact that they aren't healed. Why be self aware when they can just go around torturing women and blaming everyone. Losers.
This is good advice, but it's not the whole process. You should start the healing by going to therapy on the regular and consistently. That's step 1. After that step 2 of healing and maturing are going through the steps and processes of building healthy relationships. This is so the same rejection trauma doesn't happen over and over again. Your heart needs to be in the right place from the start, and you should keep the needs and desires of the other person on your mind. As an avoidant, I've become aware of the stress and pain I cause others in all my budding relationships, and whether I'm doing this for me or for them, I'm determined to change for the better. It's hard but the process does work😤😮💨😇
@@KingSlayer_.Thank you for your comment; this is something i've been struggling with quite a lot recently. Therapy has been an extremely helpful correctional experience for me, and i will continue working on myself with the help of my therapist. Tbh, this process takes a lot of time and putting my existing relationships on hold or denying myself the chance of a romantic relationship until i'm secure has only served to make me (and my family/friends) more miserable in the past. Being more self-aware and honest about issues that might arise as a consequence of not-yet-healed aspects of my attachment style has already helped improve most of my existing relationships. I'm hopeful that being upfront and honest about these issues and not expecting a partner to "fix" or "therapize" me might contribute to making potential partners feel respected. Intimate and authentic relationships (both platonic and romantic) play an important role in my healing process and personal growth.
This is so resonant. My avoidant partner and I had a conversation in which I said, “I know this kind of thing is difficult for you to discuss. That’s why it took me so long to bring it up because I was afraid if I did, you’d run under the bed and hide like a feral cat.” He said, “A year ago, I absolutely would have. Vulnerability gives me the shakes. But you have made me feel safe to be vulnerable.” I’ve been able to do that because I went through years of a twelve step program and I understand that he doesn’t WANT to be cold and unloving; this is a trauma response from childhood abuse. So I meet him with compassion and understanding and I let him know that while I’m not going to stifle my own needs, I’m willing to be patient in coaxing him out gently.
This. All these people so quick to demonize without any understanding. DAs are people too. They have feelings. We're not talking about narcissists, in which case I'd agree- run. They need patience & time and for you to show them it's safe. Pushing them into anything will only backfire & it's far from fair to vilify someone who has an attachment style just as unhealthy as yours.
This is the guy lm seeing ATM l’ve learned that if he B pulls back then l must do the same and wait for him to come back I’ve also learned that if l do to much for him he will pull back cause he is so use to taking care of himself and doing things for himself If you have any advise for me that will help me with this man, ld love to hear from you ❤
@@jackallen5172 all you can do is turn the focus back on yourself when he pulls away. And be sure to lovingly and non-judgmentally continue to state your needs. And decide if, ultimately, this is tolerable and works for you. I waver on it. When he pulls back I often think, “I have to end this, this isn’t fair to me.” And other times I’m so busy myself that it works for me because I get to live my own life, spend a lot of time with friends and when he comes back I’m able to enjoy the connection. I know that it’s not going to work forever because with an avoidant you are often at the mercy of their intimacy anxiety. You have to be very secure and comfortable with having a partner who doesn’t act like a partner in the true sense of the word to be willing to tolerate the inconsistency.
@@jackallen5172 it is frustrating because you do kind of have to defer to the avoidant’s avoidance and let him come to you. But that doesn’t mean you don’t also verbalize your own needs or stuff your feelings. If you decide to stay, it’s so important to focus on self care, filling your life with friends who uplift you and activities you enjoy. You have to create a very full life for yourself in order to stay grounded and in a place of self love and peace. My DA sometimes goes 10 days without contacting me and by day 8 my anxious attachment is triggered. I’ve asked him if he’d be willing to check in more and for a while he checked in every day. But now he’s back to needing more space and being uncomfortable expressing his own experience. I don’t know that I can stick around for much longer, but my life is so busy and full at the moment and we’re long distance so it’s easier to cope with. It’s really heartbreaking to know that you have this beautiful thing but that unless they’re willing to do some deep trauma work, the circumstances probably won’t ever change and you’ll never get your needs met. ❤️
i find it ironic that they are scared of being hurt, yet have no problem hurting others. for example; flirting and dm’s with others via social media. it seems everything is always all about them.
No, that is a douche. I'm an avoidant. I am a commitment-phobe. I may be thoughtless sometimes, but I won't go out of my way to hurt someone. And I will try to minimize hurt. Like my ex, before we started dating, he already made it very clear how he felt for me. Of course, I'm the one who didn't want the relationship. And one time I was talking with another guy. (And to be clear, I WAS interested in the guy I was talking to.) When my ex saw, he came over and put his arms around my waist. He wasn't my boyfriend at the time. He had no right to be jealous and possessive. But I didn't say anything. And in fact, later when we were all sitting down, even though the guy I had been talking to was sitting in the row behind my ex, I sat down beside my ex, to reassure him. I wasn't his girlfriend. I didn't need to reassure him anything. But I did, because I knew how strongly he felt about me and I didn't want to hurt him.
@@nycvogue27 He's asking for patience. He's already taken some big steps. He needs baby steps on these others so he doesn't get overwhelmed with so many at once (and you may think it's not at once, but it is a lot in a short timeframe for him). He's already told you he loved you (first!). Take that as a huge win.
So in essence to keep them interested you have to play the mystery game rather than being your authentic self, which is as fake as you can get and hardly worth the time and effort
I guess, in order to keep avoidants interested, he / she needs to go to therapy or do the 12 step programm or a similiar thing. And before that happens, things need to go really bad, otherwise the avoidant won't move towards help.
Not really. You don't try, don't play the game and just leave them alone if they can't provide what your authentic self actually needs. If you have to be so close to the partner to disclose everything about yourself in relationship, you're just not compatible with an avoidant who needs distance.
This feels cute but practically, all that chasing, pulling back and creating mystery through layers of emotional depth that's hidden takes a toll on your body, your nervous system, your ability to self sooth and regulate your emotions. It sounds like alot of work, not to mention if you have dependants to take care of, it's alot
except that they do an enormous amount of work on themselves unprompted and engage in vulnerability despite not liking doing so. Assertions like yours do as much damage as the behaviors some avoidents display. Try understanding and empathy instead of shitting on an avoident 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Better idea: DUMP EM. Save yourself and your time and leave. Don’t navigate around eggshells, don’t employ strategies, don’t tolerate bs. Just leave and find someone better for you
easier said than done with you are addicted to this from childhood and therefore it's like an addiction, and the nervous system needs healing and rewiring. "Finding some better for you?" High empathy people don't find these people easily!!! You must not get it too well :(
It’s so frustrating to open up to someone, get used to talking to them often, and then they disappear without explanation. If you’re doing work to improve yourself, you deserve someone who does the same and can meet you halfway. If somebody needs space, they should communicate that. Don’t go down a codependent rabbit hole trying to win over someone who can’t even offer empathy to you when they dip out for months at a time.
Thank you! Perfectly said! I was tossed out like garbage and there was absolutely no remorse or anything. It was like I blinked and a new person was acting like our entire relationship was imagined by me. Never again
Fellow ghostee of an avoidant here (though friendship, not love relationship) . I hope soon I'll arrive the state of not wanting him back. But being ghosted out of the blue, after I actually thought we were on good track again, finally, is the hardest thing I ever expierienced. Most of the time I remember that he's sabotaging himself with his actions and that he's the one who will never expierience deep connection when he doesn't work on himself, so it's his loss. But that doesn't take away the pain in the slightest.
@@mickcrump7799 Am at the same spot and I often have the trash feeling. Then I remind myself that they ran away because they are afraid of closeness and they don't feel worthy enough for us. Out of their perspective, they are the trash. And neither of it is true. We aren't. They aren't. And the relationship we expierienced was real and deep, that's why they ran.
Yes, because if they don't ACTUALLY change, by themselves for themselves, they will use every damaging, heartless tool again and pull it out at your worst of times.
For your safety, don't try to know if an avoidant loves you ⚠️⚠️⚠️ the relationship with them can be more damaging than being with a narcissist... They just leave you at the end like a trush, drained, anxious and paranoid with zero self confidence. If they are not going on therapy then it will be you needing a therapy to gather your shattered self back again.
@k.majericao1583 but u could be worth the stress if you became less of a stressful person and did some inner work. But avoidants avoid everything, including inner work lol.
I'm a happily single avoidant. Message to all other avoidants: stop getting into relationships, you're great single and you don't need their drama. Enjoy your life, get a cute cat. Trust me, it's the peace you're searching for. ❤
I dated an avoidant. Screw that shit. He constantly caused me to question myself and peaked my insecurities and wouldn’t do work on himself. So I left. I deserve a man has done some personal work at the very least.
@@jesd5578 Nobody deserve a toxic partner, nobody ever deserved to endure emotional trauma with an avoidant and ending up mentally destroyed. We earn a secure partner, but we can't earn an avoidant, they are just a waste of time and energy.
I am in a situaionship with an avoidant.i have a crush on him ,but not an intimate crush .he touched me intimately and I have my own traumas which I explained to him and it triggered me like a lot.i explained to him and he apologized ,and we are both in fear.he didn't ghosted me,I pulled back and he came back and it's just draining .we are so bonded over similar things and all I want is closure since we didn't even expressed pur feelings.once I make the work and make ehim express the feelings,if I am willing I will work up with him,otherwise it's time to make it a stop.
Ooh a trauma bond situationship lol girl leave and say goodbye to your crush. He will continue wanting sex from you and will give you 0 emotional intimacy lol
@@Pomagranite167 thank you for the reply sis.i have left him.he is too careful of me now,even afraid to talk to me.seeing this absolute change,I still want to love him because I am tired of finding better people in life.when I expressed everything to my parents,they just want me to get out of the house.i just want to die
There comes a point where dealing with THEIR issues just so they can be romantically involved with you is draining. You're basically enabling and catering to the avoidant's needs so THEY can feel understood at the expense of your own sanity. There comes a point where the suitor accepts that the avoidant has their own issues to work on and you won't want to be a part of this vicious hamster wheel cycle that they go through (again at the expense of your sanity and peace of mind). Life is too short. Find someone who doesn't have their walls set up so high and is open to vulnerability. If they have a history of being an avoidant (you can usually tell by how they explain their past relationships and why they left), that's their problem, You don't want to end up being the next person on their dump list till they find someone new........ and then they repeat the cycle again, rinse, repeat.
Yes, I am going thru this now. I had to walk away. He doesn’t know it yet though because he won’t answer if I call. So now I’m waiting on him to call me so I can let him know. It’s so sad he hasn’t changed yet- no matter how many times we’ve talked about him disappearing and giving me the silent treatment. I’ve given him so much space. All I asked for was at least a text during the day or, call when he says he will.
Yikes. Just realized I was in a 4-month situationship with a textbook Avoidant. But I wasn't familiar with Attachment Theory at the time. He literally ghosted me out of NOWHERE (we didn't have friction or a fight or any negative thing prior to this). It was all going so well. So this literally hit me out of left field. It was DEVASTATING because I cannot go from daily communication to ZERO contact like the person I was talking to isn't a human being and is just ChatGPT or something. It's so confusing and wild.
I experienced exactly this in a 6month relationship- so just know it is TEXTBOOK - move on ASAP because this is just the worst and they are a scorpion not to be trifled with
This happened to me after 4 years. A long distance friend (we went thru the initial Covid shock together) just decided to disappear. He always complained about being ghosted... I guess he wanted to see what it would feel like to be on the other side😢 @AngelofHogwarts did he ever come back? Or did you reach out?
Sounds so familiar. And after you lose your mind worrying, asking them why they didn't respond at all for days for no reason, they'll just appear from their cave again one day and calmly text, "oh is something wrong? I've just been busy" and you always come across as a psycho. Never again!
These folks will emotionally abuse you if you let them. Keep your boundaries and stick with them no matter what. I have first hand experience being in a relationship with an avoidant... you never feel settled or grounded in your space with them. When this happens, RUN!
nothing is stable with them。 they are emotionly unstable 。things we planed together always changes last minute and they dont realize that how much they are making ppls life like a mess 。every morning i wake up wondering if i have biyfriend or not for 5 years！ its so tiring and my enegy is drianed off 。could not focus on other things than him，
1. You have a complete understanding of their core wound (what triggers them) 2. You notice that the major tipping points aren't setting them off (they are being triggered less often and/or aren't being triggered anymore) 3. They are allowing themselves to be emotionally intimate with you (this is the "most powerful" sign) 4. When you pull back after they pull back, *they* come back 5. Understanding the role of hidden depths (Chris' anecdotal note that many avoidants tend to lose interest when they feel they've learned everything they can about you, so maintaining some mystery helps hold their interest)
I don't see many avoidant's commenting so I will. I highly disagree with Num 5 from my own experience but all the other points are solid especially 3, I'm not vulnerable with even my closest friends, yet If I do this I'm extremely terrified so I don't do it unless I feel very safe unless they're a psychopath, if thy cry in front of you... it's real, (but don't look for it or try to get them to cry, cause then they'll shut down.)
Yeah, I was with an avoidant, but he didn’t know it. In the beginning he loved me, did all of these things. I'm so happy I have a secure attachment and left. He slowly faded away so I let him lol. He emails me every couple months to see how I am. I just ignore him. I am with another secure person and we are growing together.
Thats exactly what it is. For their inablity to depend on anyone or open up to anyone, they see themselves as so much stronger, wiser, more independent and capable than everyone else, and it really is just a cope. They see vulnerability, relying on others when you need it, taking risks, growth, and being 100% yourself unapologetically as a fool's errand lol
Seems you are judgemental and too immature to allow exes to stay friends. Can't complain of his toxicity then turn around and brag about being toxic back by ignoring a human being who once cared. You act like your happy your hurting him
It’s hard being in love with an avoidant and the reason we attract them is to mirror our own wounds and insecurities. Let that be the reason to be with one so you can grow or go heal your wounds by investing in your healing and become secure that you no longer attract avoidant types.
Sounds like self sabotage. Only date an avoidany if... you'd like to feel used, neglected, left questioning what you did wrong (when you did NOTHING wrong)... sure then go and date an avoidant. Just make sure you're prepared to have your heart broken.
Although I agree with loving yourself is important, there's only so much self love that can be attained. In a relationship each partner has a responsibility to love the other person in a way that makes them feel loved. In my experience if an avoidant isn't doing the inner work and only relying on the other partner to nurture the relationship it's not a relationship to begin with. The avoidants core fears are the opposite of what ANY relationship needs, and therefore it's pointless fighting for their "love".
The fact that their core wounds reflect the complete opposite things in a relationship like you said makes so much sense because as an anxious attachment if you are not showing me those things it’s very clouded blurry and quiet.
Yes. A partnership of any kind requires communication. Contribution. Reciprocity. I'm curious to know more about how many are actually in relationships where both partners feel validated.
so the truth is.. when you love yourself fully, you won’t settle for any half love or inconsistencies in your love life.. you will simply leave.. the only problem with his advice is that it’s pretty much impossible to love yourself FOR another person, like to get their attention.. that’s not self love
My ex was an avoidant and he left me out of nowhere. He told me he needs to focus on himself and a relationship isn’t what he can deal with right now. We barely fought. We were happy and good for so long and he dropped me in a minute and packed up and left within an hour. I’m still traumatized and it’s been almost two months. He ended up even blocking me on everything. I can’t help but think it’s my fault even though I know it’s probably not.
It’s not your fault. I’m a studying to be a clinical therapist and I was dating avoidant. We talked every morning and after bc we were long distance and he made a bid deal of announcing online that we were together. He told me he loved me first and he was starting therapy to work on his issues. I was his biggest supporter. I went to visit him and he introduced me to his coworkers and his boyfriend and they all reacted like he’s been talking great things about me to them. Same thing happened with his friends and then the next day, he sent me a love song and was super affectionate in front of his friends and within an hour of leaving the group, he flipped a switch inside him and told me we were from different worlds and our relationship was not even real and he cut me out of his life like I was a disease. It happened so abruptly that I’m still processing it or trying to but I can’t find any empathy for him and what he did to me. What he did was straight up sociopathic and if you have any decency as a human being, there’s no way possible he could have done what he did to me. I have known him 20 years and now I don’t think I ever actually knew him. Don’t blame yourself. These people are selfish and love superficial praise and likes online. They want one night stands and dispose of people like trash. They are the real garbage in this situation. I’m sorry you are still dealing with these emotions. There’s no rational reason for any of it. They are selfish narcissistic people that are empty inside.
I promise it's not your fault AT ALL. Mine went from lovely and affectionate with us starting living together to discarding me in like a week for a girl he had started playing video-games online with, he did it after I tried discussing our relationship situation (commitment), he did not ghost me but his coldness and indifference towards me was awfully painful and shocking. It made me feel anxious and insecure and my amount of protest behavior is not something I'd ever do if dealing with a sane person. He just discarded me like that for a woman he didn't even know in person yet, and then acted like I was a stranger, the whole thing felt so cruel. It made doubt myself a lot, and question every little decision I made, every word I said.. that's how they leave you, even if you're confident or secure. AVOID THEM!! We can't help them, we can't fix them. They're damaged and go around causing damage to others. And I agree with you that it is traumatizing. I haven't been able to sleep well ever since, and I'm in therapy now.
As someone with Fearful-Avoidant attachment style with a great deal of self-awareness, reading the comments pains me so. A really small part of me wants to date but the bigger part of me realizes the burden me and my partner would have to go through so I think I am much happier single as having a partner would break my self-regulation. Getting loved gets me anxious, making me feel shame and breaking all my resilience making me cry uncontrollably since love was a tool my parents used to make them feel better after giving me too harsh a punishment or reacting violently. It really is not our fault we ended up this way but I do understand we easily hurt others out of fear, anxiety and being scared. The worst part in my situation is being so self-aware of myself (which might be another sign from the attachment) since I had to logically explain everything by myself so I know I am broken but I am too scared of even trying to fix this since it requires me to be vulnerable to partner and the dis-regulation a partner or a child brings. God I am getting anxious writing this but I hope this brings out that we are people too and not necessarily the narcissists you might think even if our behaviour is similar.
I hear you. ♥️ I am dealing with my avoidant bf now. And I would really love to stay by his side while he's battling his own struggles. There are 2 sides of my brain fighting right now. 1 is, I am hurt he's being avoidant. It's been quite sometime that I have been dealing with his avoidant behavior. 2 is, he once told me that he does not want to be dramatic because he's a man. And in my head, that's maybe because the society put a standard to a man to 'man-up' and not to show their emotions, to be strong. Or just like the video, it maybe a core problem from his childhood. But were currently no contact. Hoping that he'll find peace and heal. Hoping that he be vulnerable to me so I can understand him more and to give the appropriate love and care. Thanks for you comment. Glad I stumble upon.
I think what would alleviate a lot of issues in relationships with avoidant’s is if they communicated an said it’s not you it’s my own issues I still love you I just need to have a few days to calm myself or whatever works individually just saying withdrawal an shutting down is what causes the hurt !
@@Nicole-fl8gv it's not that easy for an avoidant seems like common simple sense but because avoidants lack emotional intelligence they dont look at it like that a lot of what they do comes from the subconscious part of them
It sounds like some people on here are trying to say that people with certain attachment styles don't deserve to try and find love. I just recently found out about attachment styles while working with my new therapist, and it turns out I'm a fearful avoidant. My bf and I are both on our own personal healing journeys and we've actually been helping one another. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because we all have pasts that in one way or another effects us.
Love this! The important thing in any relationship is whether each person is willing to work on their own issues and be the best version of themselves. It may be two steps forward and one step back but we all have our issues. I have an anxious attachment style that I have been working on for years. Tons of progress but not perfect. None of us can help how we were raised or the experiences that shaped us, but we can decide if we’ll be victims to those experiences or learn from them.
I agree. Somehow I’m like perfectly all of the attachment styles and I’m not even sure how that’s possible lol but the man I’m in love with is avoidant (i think..maybe he’s a mixture too, like me.) I think I used to be more anxious/avoidant myself and my 41 year old husband died a year and a half ago suddenly and since then I’ve been working on becoming more secure. We both deserve love and no matter what happens I’ll try to continue believing that.
Totally agree with you. Everyone is deserving of love. Our attachment style isn’t our fault but as adults it is our responsibility. If both people are willing to show up, anything can be worked through. I’m an FA and my boyfriend is a DA. I have found the most important things have been communicating-honestly, regularly & clearly, vulnerability and effort to understand and truly hear each others perspective. If you have something special with someone and you love them, give them grace. We all deserve grace, intimacy and connection. ❤
Not always worth the pain, trying to deal with an avoidant. You’ve gotta be strong to handle the constantly giving them space part…leaving you “waiting “
And honestly the waiting wouldn't be nearly as painful if the avoidant could just at least learn to communicate WHEN they are feeling the need to be avoidant. It takes just a few words: "Hey baby, I need some space today, just wanted to give you a heads up. I love you".
Im a grown man and this video almost made me cry from remembering my relationship. She wouldn’t let me love her and I miss her. Every single day she would have a new mood. She loved our relationship and then 2 days later she said our relationship was bad. It was like this for the whole time we were together almost. It messed me up emotionally and I sometimes just sit in a corner and curl up and try to hug myself. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so abandoned
Naturally you start wondering why they keep disappearing. You assume there is someone else. Of course, they never actually tell you the truth, they just put blame on you and leave you in confusion. And if you question them, they accuse you of being insecure/jealous etc. You can't win.
My avoidant ex actually made me more insecure, my ex from before was secure so never had issues. I prefer to find a secure partner again while growing more secure myself, I like to be in a slow but upward flow, not stagnation after stagnation or downward flow every single month. Over it :)
Personally, Ive been through physical, emotional and mental abuse in a prior relationship. I felt horrible and never wanted to feel that again. I met a “sweet, kind, shy” guy last month, but he seems avoidant and it made me feel insecure again. I wished him well and walked away. I’ll never go back to dysfunction again. They have to rise up, we can’t go down to their lower vibration 🙌🏼
@@Therealdonaldtrumpusa very good, never again! I have now attracted a very healthy new relationship, I wish you the same dear! ❤️ It feels so free to have a man who is secure
This happened to me recently and it was so good to find myself again after realizing that they only thing I lost in that mess was myself. I was literally being told how much they loved me that morning and by that afternoon, I was literally being told our relationship was nothing but nostalgia and we weren’t going to work bc we were from two different worlds. And the change literally occurred like a switch being turned on or off and they went from being my partner to someone who claimed our entire relationship was nothing and cut me out of their life. I’ve never experienced anything as horrific and awful as this experience was and I Hope never to again
Respectfully, either this seems unreasonable, or dealing with avoidants is excessively high-maintenance. It necessitates suppressing your true self and adopting a specific persona to avoid alienating them-essentially, engaging in games and being disingenuous. Being vulnerable becomes challenging. The provided information primarily focuses on tolerating avoidant behavior, and it raises the question: who would willingly embrace such an effort? The level of exertion required in dealing with them is considerable.
Agreed. You have to be willing to be disrespectful to yourself to tolerate their behavior. And most of these videos about dealing with DAs are literally just telling you how to keep enabling them. The only ones worth dating are the ones that are already in therapy and genuinely want to change. Accommodating them so they don’t get spooked sends the message that “Hey, it’s ok you don’t need to change. Please do whatever you need to so you can stay safe within your comfort zone.”
Yeah well the good part is it makes you look at the person and if you truly love them because love is an act not a feeling. Other men may give you lots of attention and talk ALOT but deep down it’s an act. I rather get little by little and built on that, knowing it’s genuine and it comes from the heart.
@@fitforfreelance Sure and what you said, the way that you said it and the smiley you choose in the end prove the imaturity of avoidants (kinda teenageish).
@@katja-2kat.s yeah like the 86 people who liked my comment, all teenagerish avoidants. I think emoji can make communication more relatable (as someone with avoidant tendencies), but not all communication is effective. Sorry about that, hyper-vigilant internet stranger.
@@katja-2kat.s You're attitude is what men would find MOST unattractive. You're not one bit patient. And you're reply would be unattractive to MOST decent, attractive, successful, sweet men.
It's been 7yrs of relationship w/ my avoidant husband, almost 1 month since he stop communicating w/ me. Only now I realize this isn't fixable, I can't be forever anxious and always the one reaching out first even though its his fault. I've learned my lesson the hard way, the only thing thay makes it more difficult to leave is bec we have a child together, but I have to accept that no matter how much I tried It'll never be a healthy relationship. I feel sorry for my son to have such a father who ran away when there's a prob to be solved. It's not a wife duty to fix his husband immaturity.
I have an avoidant boyfriend too and he just broke up with me yesterday. I think, it's time for me to completely let him go. I've been thinking a lot about this that when every time we have a problem to fix, he would disappear for 2 weeks and there also comes a time it went far to a month. I keep asking myself if this the guy i want to be with or to be a father of my future kids.
Don’t think of What could be. Just take what it is for reality. There’s no catch here. An avoidant doesn't love himself. Don't expect any love from him. Just expect to constantly give without any return. “Thank-you”isn't part of his vocabulary so don't even bother giving him any gift. He may even make you feel guilty about it. He lies constantly and manipulation is his second nature. He is very talented in the art of victimization. In other words:“Run Forrest”!
I just think that it would be too much work to be in a relationship with someone like this. I completely understand that we all have issues, but if you can't commit to your partner and the relationship, then you shouldn't even be trying to be in one. So many of us need to work on ourselves, myself included, but to put someone through all those emotional ups and downs is really unfair. If you are constantly pulling away from your bf/gf, then you're probably not going to have a relationship at all. Most people need that connection and communication in order to make it work.
*all ppl need the connection and communication to make it work. Even the avoidants. They just rely on the OTHER party to do it, but not themselves. I think its impossible for 2 avoidants to be together for that reason. There is NO foundation to build on for 2 avoidants. Neither give or recieve motivation to chase each other and meet the other half way. Its devoid of ANY intimacy because neither person will initiate it. Neither recieves praise or reassurance because neither will give it. So even they know it is required for a relationship. They just will not be the ones providing the connection or communication to make it work. They want to have it but not give it.
They are just waiting for people like me who have agape love. Fully unconditional love that is self satisfying and does not require any form of ego reward to upkeep. I could love someone forever happily and never get one drop of appreciative energy or return of compassion. Do you. I'm over here being love eternal. If that is what you need. I'm your rock. So to speak.
😬 Yes, it's very tricky even bringing up the topic to them. I'm wondering if, in your experience, this individual wouldn't really send "good morning" texts, either?
When I told one that wanting OPEN communication was the bare minimum, the response was eye opening. They really believe only needy codependents could possibly want such a thing. 😆 cheezits
It doesn’t matter if they love you or not. Just because there is love doesn’t mean there should be a relationship. Just walk away, heal the grief from the loss of fantasy of what it could have been, and move on to another relationship. It is not your responsibility to heal them. The end.
Crazy, I just realized I was with an avoidant he pretty much ghosted me...the thing is I don't care to chase or beg him to "please come back" I honestly find it's healthier for me to find someone who is more compatible and thoughtful towards me than to try to keep up with an avoidant roller-coaster. There's no way, I'm letting this person back in.
@@Shehroz-Ali Well a narc often has an inflated sense of self-importance combined with a lack of empathy; they only see things from their perspective and there’s no cure for that. An avoidant (or dismissive-avoidant adult) has an avoidant attachment style which they learned as a child. This type of behavior was formed when the parents or caretakers were emotionally distant, disconnected and inattentive to the child’s needs. Over time the child learned to numb their needs and emotions because there was no soothing coming from the caregivers. (The left brain: analytical, logical, linear, shaming, egocentric and anxiety-based becomes overdeveloped, and the right brain: curious, empathic, creative, joyful and playful side becomes underdeveloped). This is why the child becomes an adult that learns to believe that having emotions is weak, whereas being unemotional is strong. In my opinion avoidants are not to blame, they just need to realize they have this problem and fix it with a counsellor.
@@creativeopinions8250 Thank you so much for the detailed analytical answer. My guy is between narc and avoidant personality style and i know how tough and frustrating it becomes when i need him and he is apath overly rational af! Though i love him alot❤️but...
I just love your content. I am a 61 yo INFJ Woman... AND an anxious attachment style. I keep attracting avoidant men for the past 40 years... They burn my empthy reserves up. NOT worth any type of psychology time anymore
I think it's best to accept them for who they are and where they are right now without expectations of a healthy relationship with them. It hurts because of the expectations. It's possible to have a loving and positive relationship with them. If it's painful to be in a relationship with them, you don't have to. just be compassionate and kind
I get that. The biggest downfall with avoidants, though, is their abusive/toxic behaviours. Many alongside myself have support with a full heart... And been treated to behaviours like stonewalling, cheating, and manipulation. I'd agree that you can have a healthy relationship with an avoidant, but I'd probably say at the cost of the other individual. The suppression that individuals put themselves through to just get along is scary.
@@DobermanDanK9do avoidant men cheat often or easily? The avoidant man I met three years ago says he never cheated on anyone when I asked him. He's very slow in moving the relationship forward.
@jennifersolga6172 I wouldn't be sure on gender specifics, but you have to remember avoidants mask. What they say, and what they do are usually two different things. Someone's story involved the avoidant saying they didn't like casual hook ups, but found out they were sexting and hooking up casually. It's usually projection to make them look good in your eyes. Hence why a lot of people feel led on, duked.
I'm certainly into her potential. She has shown so many signs of growth in the past year and she's young and hasn't had many experiences anyway so it makes me more confident that something could work one day
We just need therapy, maturity and trust. Trust in everything, especially in the emotional stability of the other. I'm sorry for the damage we have caused. Forget us. It's not us that you fell in love for, it was for this energy of loss, grief, that we bring. It's a sad game, trauma binding.
I don't know if my ex is an avoidant or not, all I know is after planning for a year to move in with each other he pulled back and said he couldn't commit to it. I broke off the relationship due to his lack of integrity. I'm now no contact and dealing with the heartbreak. After 6.5 year relationship and planning all of this, it was such a huge disappointment! I'm not interested in getting back together with him, I'm huge on trust and doing what you say you are going to do. He burned that bridge with me.
These videos seem to assume that just because one doesn't put up with an avoidant, they are anxious. Apart from the superficial generalization, it seems to me that there is a great more wisdom in the comments below based on firsthand experiences of people who have been with avoidant partners. An avoidant ends up behaving selfishly and being with them is draining as they also lack empathy, without which there is no real intimacy, so I am not sure what's there to love about them anyway! thanks to all the comments below, I agree with all those who said that it is a good idea to walk, which is what I did and it feels great! don't be afraid to do the same, because the upside of breaking up with an avoidant is that you don't miss them, because there's nothing to miss: they were never there for you in the first place! leaving them is not about being anxious, it's about being healthy self-respecting and self-loving!
Too much trouble... I am mostly secure and will only date secure men from now on. After four years, I finally was able to walk away forever. (This, after being taken for granted, ignored, and finally monkey branched, and offered "friendship"). I had no problem giving space since I also have my own family, friends, and activities. There were really no arguments. We were compatible in many ways. I guess there was too much stability and not enough " mystery". Well, there is mystery now since I just "vanished". Sometimes love is not enough.
My sister is an avoidant and I've learned a lot from her. Its true they can love you so much but push you away. Sadly. You just have to give them space when they need it. And still show your interest.
same. i cut him off and when he realized i wasn’t bullshitting, he got his shit together (momentarily), and apologized for acting like a dumbass, then told me he was actually falling in love with me….but was still scared of being hurt. then of course, history repeated itself and his actions, in no way whatsoever, matched his words, and he did his bs “pull away” crap.
This happened to me too. She said I love you first, was falling in love with me wanted to move in etc it felt amazing then literally overnight she went cold, distant and basically checked out. Then came knocking on my door with flowers saying what an idiot they’ve been but pretty much went straight back to the cold & uninvested. Literally have broken my heart I still love her so much 😔
Same boat!!! Too old for words and no actions!!! Hate waiting around for others when I am not getting my needs met but always feeding his needs for more independence and his time for him… yet he pursued me
Wow, I love the last part ... it is so true. Keep putting your energy into yourself and give yourself permission to be everything you've always wanted to be. That is a recipe for success, regardless of who else you give your love to.
Now I don’t date anyone who aren’t healed. It’s not my job to fix their childhood trauma. Plus I used to help my ex bf. It fucked me up so much. They are the one not hesitate to hurt me.
me too i was just ghosted dumped by a veteran with severe ptsd and molestation flashbacks. he said my love would save him from suicide. now i been ghosted. he wouldnt even call me his gf though and he was broke but welll i tried. he said he wss so lonely at first, come over to his house, things that id like to reel me in. then toss me back out to sea 😔
The avoidant I’ve been dealing with for some time , I decided to pull back from him and I guess he’s feeling that energy of me possibly slipping away….so now he chases me , and told me he loved me after not having said it for a few months now ……it’s a long distance thing , but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m comfortable with it just being like this, with me not reaching out, until he show me he wants me and wants more with me….so it is what it is. He need to feel like i possibly will leave . I used to be the chaser and that got me nowhere…now he’s doing more of the chasing .
I'm in the same boat, maybe not with the insight of anything for the future, but I have left it to them to reach out. Unfortunately, the avoidant I was dealing with had a 3rd party in the background and is now with them.
The last one - about keeping mystery - this is a non-starter if you want real love that grows and deepens and where you have layers upon layers of connection that one can build with a romantic partner in the long term that makes them a life partner - if you want that for your life, avoid dismissive avoidants!
Thank you to let me know he loves me. The time my DA pulled back I pulled back and few weeks later I sent him some food to let him know I did care for him. The very next day he called back & we got back together. I just hope that this the pulling back & forth circle would end one day but it's not! It's been a torturing love. He felt sorry for me for who he was and went to a therapy but....the more stressful the worse he was. I have just to pull back from him for good.
I just gave it a year and walked away. It’s not just being an avoidant but not letting go of the places of hurt and addressing them. There’s bare minimum reciprocation and it’s truly a waste of time. They have no sympathy or empathy unless it pertains to themselves. If you are a person who reciprocates and wants the same don’t waste your time with them. Your cup will forever be empty.
After learning about attachment styles I'm just realizing now that i was seeing an avoidant. Things were going great, it seemed like just a matter of time before we were official. After the first time we get upset at each other, and over something so small and stupid.. she ghosts me for a week. Would've probably been permanent if i hadn't reached out. But when i finally heard back, she just says she's not interested anymore. That there's multiple reasons she thinks it won't work out. No explanation, no talk, no closure, no nothing. I'm left heartbroken over all of this. I was so sure she was the one and that things were going great before this. But one tiny bump in the road was enough for her to end it. It's been a week now that i decided to go no contact with her. I realize that she would be unhealthy for me, but still a part of me still wants her. If she ever came back and apologized, I may be open to it. But i dont see an avoidant doing something like that. What sucks too is we live very close to each other. Literally on the same street. So it's never going to be out of sight out of mind. It's going to be a really tough thing to live with, cause I really let her in. Now I'm suffering the consequences which i never saw coming.
Im a fearful avoidant who was in a year long situationship with an anxious. I didn’t know anything about attachment theory at the time. He pursued me kinda, and I slowly started falling in love with him but never showed it until the very end, when I finally confessed my feelings and explained as best I could why I thought it wouldn’t work. He was very codependent too and I was afraid he wouldn’t grow into his own man if I stayed. So I said goodbye and went no contact. It’s been a year and a half now and I’ve learned so much about myself because of him, and Im struggling with guilt over my avoidant behavior during our relationship. I still don’t want to date him but I want to give us closure and apologize for my side of things, as well as address how his patterning affected me too. Is that a good idea? Or will it make things worse?
I’m in a similar case. Went on two dates, she wasn’t very huggy, but i got her to hug me after second date. Didn’t even get a kiss! She texted me every day with nice stuff. We had 3rd date planned. Night before 3rd date i made a joke on her facebook post. She responded with 😡 angry react, and next morning she cancelled saying the idea didn’t seem so exciting anymore, and i never heard from her since. It’s been over a week. She’s still active on social media, posting mirror selfies and stuff. I plan to reach out closer to her birthday just to say happy birthday and i’d like to hang out again if she’s down. If she responds, she responds. If not, oh well. I need to move on. I’ve never woken up every day with anxiety butterflies in stomach feeling until this girl cut me off. I hate it.
@@christinagrinstead1123 sorry I didn't notice this sooner. To me it sounds as if explaining to him why it wouldn't work when u broke up was the closure. If neither of u had spoken since then it for that long then it may be best to leave things as is. If it had been the case that u hurt him, or left on bad terms, or left him confused, maybe apologizing or explaining your behavior wouldn't be a bad idea. I wish I had gotten an explanation or a conversation with my situation. But the difference is with me, I got left without any answers. In your case, although u may feel guilty about some things, in the end u atleast did the right thing and explained why u thought it wouldn't work. Another thing is if he still has feelings for u, then talking to him out of the blue may give him the wrong idea or get his hopes up. I know it's a late response but hope this helps in some way. It's just my opinion tho, at the end of the day it's up to u.
@@kingpazn sorry to hear man. Don't sweat the kiss thing. Some girls take more time than others in getting comfortable enough to kiss someone. I know it sucks, but trust me you'd rather have this happen now within the first few dates or so, than spend a good amount of time with her, get attached and then get dumped. My best advice is to start looking for someone else. But if u really want to try with her again, give it some time, reach out and try and set up a date. If it doesn't happen then it's best just to move on. We can only do so much. Plus u want a girl that is actually interested, excited to see u and wants to spend time with u. If she is really interested then she will make things easy for u. The feeling sucks I know. But that anxiety will fade in time. I was absolutely crushed when I wrote that post, and it took months before I could even think straight. But I am doing better now. So trust me it will go away eventually. But in the meantime, try and find another girl and work on bettering yourself. If u aren't involved in fitness at all I would recommend it. It really helped me in getting through this. U deserve better tho and you'll find it if u look for it.
When an avoidant is in love with you one) you will know completely what their core wound is two) you don’t set them off three) They are allowing themselves to be intimately emotional with you.4) Tactical empathy: they come back after you pull back 5) understand the role that hidden depths can have. You are able to evolve independently.
I am learning that my DA was in love with me, but still was unwilling to hear my needs without taking it as criticism and certainly wasn’t able to do anything to show up for me or my needs.
As an avoidant myself, yes we're uncomfortable with feelings and vulnerability but no we don't shame anyone for confronting us. We are the ones actually feeling the shame for not being able to please the people we love! Everyone tries to paint us as villains as if we're not human too. As if being anxious isn't a trauma response just like avoidance.
Im anxious my bf has avoidant sides and he often told me he is ashamed he cant show love as much as i do, but we also are in distance and ik this doesnt make things even more easy for us I agree with u, its like telling an anxious person they are not good coz they will make u feel guilty for anything, like only secure people deserve love? My bf used to not make efforts in the past, now does for things i cant manage to reassure myself with, People adapt when love
Excellent advice. Most of us have wounds which make us behave in less than ideal ways in intimate settings. Understanding each other is key (so as to avoid being triggered & abandoning the connection). Once you learn to read between the lines & reframe what they're doing there's a lot of joy to be had with your avoidant. And eventually if you take the time you might both end up being securely attached & having a great life together. That's worth doing some work for, surely!
With an avoidant, you have to love yourself relentlessly because they will not love you back lol you need to do the work of loving yourself because they won't 😂
Have you ever noticed that an avoidant is always more concerned and oddly attached to their dog…. Guess it makes some sense for them? They are scared to get too close to a human. After all , that takes strength and a level of risk. They think the dog loves them, in reality But that pet dog will love anyone who is good, kind and feeds it. It’s a control thing with the avoidant. They can command the dog , they can yell at the dog , be affectionate with the dog or kick it outside at their convenience. The dog will always be there. A little narcissistic and shallow.
Oh yeah, the avoidant I've been learning a LOT from literally loves no-one else but his dog. I get it, he's been through some shit (the guy, not the dog), and our friendship is teaching me to heal from my own anxious-avoidant issues. But only because I'm aware of them. It would suck horribly if I wasn't.
wow! yuuup! absolutely, my FA ex always used her dog as an excuse to never come to my house, it had anxiety issues and couldn't leave her house for a night...
I wasted 6 years in my 20s understanding and loving someone this type. She left just because she didn't feel loved because few of her behaviours that I wanted her to change were beyond her walls. Even if they open up to you, they finally accuse you of tricking them into flattery whenever verbal spat happens. Never am I dating someone like this in my life. It becomes unbearable when you live with them especially if you are a high performer. I respect my ex, she did change me for better but will never ever take her back or anyone of this type.
it could all be so simple. but the fact that people play so many games it sucks a lot. i wish i could have someone who isn’t afraid of being vulnerable. i wouldn’t take the person for granted.
In their defense, they don’t do it for fun, trouble being vulnerable with others comes from deep trauma and pain. There are evil people too who just want to hurt others, but that’s not what this video was about.
Female Aries, Avoidant Only child here...my Dad actually told me they left me alone as a child to work out my own emotions, so that probably did contribute alot to my avoidant style. I don't need to discuss my emotions all the time and wear them on my sleeve 24/7, I'm fine dealing with them myself and see it as a burden on others. You think we don't have Empathy because we don't show it, but we have TONS of Empathy, sometimes more than most. I can also say that I'm not afraid of Love at all and have no problem being in committed, loving relationships. Its being tied to the WRONG person that is terrifying, so yeah I do run when those tipping points are moving too fast if I'm not in love with that person.
What if you was the one that could have gotten through to them and the opportunity for them to heal is denied because of you avoiding the attachment style
I agree. My girlfriend is avoidant. This is the fourth time we've had a relationship. By now I understood the core of her vulnerability. As in most cases, the root of the problem had to be found in childhood. She is afraid of abandonment because her parents abandoned her. She also received love only under conditions. Just my effort to understand her broke down the walls. She consciously works on herself to avoid repeating the pattern. They deserve a happy life too. It's not an impossible mission. 😉
@@MrBiiila how did you actually acknowladge her about her attachment style, i want my ex back, but as an FA she is sensitive and i know she would take it as an insult and i wud push her even more far away
@@imferrer Yes, she would take as an insult. But I have already lost her.. again 😅 So yesss... She told me she is working on herself. In the end everything was the same. Same pattern, double standards, blameing, devaluation and so on. Good luck my friend!
@@MrBiiila bro i had same, she said i shouldnt be like this im sorry, but her behaviour pattern was just always same. And sex? Man if i said lets get intimate she said no you are deviation, and i was like wtf? But i didnt know about attachment styles b4 our relationship , i m just educating coz i was looking for how to get your ex back and then i got deeply into this
Thats too much work. If they'll always want someone they can't have- then YOU will never be enough. EVENTUALLY someone close is going to know you in all your depths, if then they want to leave and infatuate on someone else- that will break your heart by then. I say avoid 'avoidants' as if they were sociopaths. They need to much work done before they could ever be fixed and face it...NO ONE ever fixes themselves- the program and the trauma that caused it, just goes too deep to get rid of.
OR, you can save yourself the headache and become a secure attachment style yourself, and an avoidant probably won't be attractive to you. Been there, done that, won't do it again.
Nope! They said actually the best type to handle an avoidant is a secure attachment person. And I'm an avoidant. My best relationship was with a secure. I even got engaged to him.
Save your time and heart. If they are not going to put in the work why should you. Run now as soon as you see them pull back. Use is as your opportunity to escape years of heart break that only erodes your own self worth.
As an older(64), slightly more enlightened individual with a formerly anxious/preoccupied -avoidant attachment style who came from a highly dysfunctional background I finally see the rationale for my turning marriage, family and child counseling into such a passion. Since it didn't feel good trying to grow up in my family of origin home I determined early in my life that I would patiently wait for the kind of partner who inspires trust through safety and only then would I become open to talking about marriage and raising a family. A healthy, happy, well-balanced child needs a whole Mom and a whole Dad. I've worked on my own personal growth for the last 35 years and when I finally got mentally clear and physiologically secure/safe enough of all the dysfunction in my own family I could finally see clear enough to make a firm commitment that I see no reason to change.
I met this incredible guy, and he is an avoidant,not knowing about attatchment styles the relationship was doomed before it began,but right after breakup I learned what an avoidant is and how to deal with him and we are closer now than durring our relationship. They need help,they suck at relationships, but they can be good people too.
If an avoidant wants to be with you. Same as anyone else. THEY!!! Need to take the responsibility for once and get counselling, lots of it! And sort themselves out so that they are a suitable half of a couple. Do not even consider having another coffee with them even - until they have done the work. Why should you? They don't think its worth it, so why should you?????
Oh Man! I wish I'd seen this a year ago. I thought I had my shit together and being patient for the third time, each time getting a little closer and lasting a little longer. But I chose to ignore the signs of pulling away, so when he suddenly decided to go quiet I lost it at him. Unfortunately I'm not just anxious but I have ADHD so I have the emotional regulation of a carrot. He decided to do this right in the middle of my exams, I was already drained mentally, and I lost it at him. How the hell are you ever supposed to ever fix that?
Personally, I make it a habit to not entertain people who find it acceptable to make their trauma my trauma. Once with an avoidant was enough for me. I can only describe it as a soul sucking experience.
Always having to wait is I guess one of the worst things for me sometimes there are times when I needed care the most but they are not around me because they’re too busy. Dealing with their own issues is really not helping the relationship. What can he sacrifice or compromise in the relationship to keep us together but instead, he’s too busy being blinded in his own issues, and not realizing that he has a girlfriend to take care of when I needed him the most, but you see I loved him very much. I feel guilty for being selfish and making him feel like he’s not the best for me that he’s too toxic for me or he’s not good enough when I mentioned what my needs are and he just decided to push me away as he kept saying sorry for the pain and suffering and the hurt that he’s gi given to me and it hurts a lot because I love him so much.
My experience with an Avoidant has led me to being Secure. How ironic, right? My Anxious attachment style went into immediate overdrive within the first 2 months. 4 years later, I'm very secure, and he needs to go inward, I'm way more patient and understanding. I had to do a lot of work on myself, become a better advocate/communicator for my needs and am emotionally stable. Having to reparent and retrain myself, was a long journey but so worth it. There are many moments where I've thought of leaving to make things easy but my love for him is bigger than that. He's self-aware of his opportunities and makes genuine attempts to work on them. ❤ Slow and steady wins the race. 😊
Not worth it, im exhausted! My face is broken out my anxiety is through the roof! He tell me we can hang but he not ready for responsibility, hes 68 yrs old 🙄
My avoidant broke up with me. If/ when he comes back, I will require him to go to counseling to heal from this issue. I’m not willing to try to bend for him or fix him. I love myself too much ❤.
I really like your perspective and how you ended this video. The content is emationally heavy but you kept it light and as possitive as possible. It allow me to feel compassion for someone who maybe struggling with this.
I spent 2 years with one. First 3 months were great and open. Then we started living together and slowly she pushed away. Sex was once a month if i was lucky. She slept with her kids in a different room. She made friends and put them before me. Finally i broke up with her and i was the bad guy. Then she got with a coworker a month later and is dating him now.
This is exactly what I’m going through. He sleeps in the rm with his kids that don’t want him in there because they are teenagers and then when I pull back and isolate myself I’m the bad guy. 2 yrs together and almost a yr married and we won’t make it to our 1 yr anniversary because I give up. He uses ppl constantly for his selfish reasons but every else is selfish mind u we got his back, he just don’t have ours. So I’m leaving and I’m the bad guy and the bad guy I will stay cause I have genuine love in my heart and he knows that but don’t accept it and I’m no willing to give it anymore. I will carry on and love him from a distant in my heart and wish him the best in life ( still want him to win) but it will not be with me, we are not compatible. Feels like I’m being punished for being in love with him and wanting a bond and it’s sickening and exhausting! He can love strangers that can care less but can’t love those who truly love him!!!! I’ll continue to pray for his healing but now it’s time to rebuild myself back up.
OMG, I thought I was the only one second-guessing my usual secure nature, drifting toward anxious! Currently in no-contact, I have finally figured out the ex is a fearful-avoidant (this concept is relatively new to me), but not before I did a few things anxiously "wrong". I forgive myself now, and I even forgive him. He definitely gave me some signs of love, as he repeatedly returned to me. But now he's running away for the 'nth' time, possibly the last time. Truly not an easy guy to let go of. Despite all this pain, he was everything I dreamed of having in my life (probably why a lot of us endure this insane treatment). When he was "on", he was really "on". Then suddenly he's inexplicably gone again, and the timing can be unbelievable! Sound familiar? Until I figured all this out, I started to question my very appeal, and my confidence took a nose dive. Now? I'm moving on, getting my strong self back, and then some. No more anxiousness, even if he does come back. I'm learning. Thank you, Chris, for the enlightenment (in your other videos too).
Avoidant is basically.... avoiding themselves. We can love them and show them our feelings but they tend to avoid, not because we arent enough but because they avoid themselves from opening up. But I really really wish the Avoidant can love their partner in a right way ❤
I mirrored but eventually it’s too much. My therapist said anxious heal more quickly, and most women give up. It’s very challenging to know if they are they cheating or narcissistic. It’s an honest question. It’s too painful and quite frankly I don’t bother anymore. I move on, painfully so. But I do move on. I’m not their therapist and they are not mine. If they won’t do the work I need to go. I’ve wasted so much time believing that with love a patience they will get through this. The thing is if they do…say after 7 years…you finally find out who they really are. There is a lot of anger/rage under that avoidance.
An avoidant will make you behave like an anxious type, even if you’re secure. Then, they will gaslight you into making you think that you’re overreacting and need to chill, even though it’s THEM causing you stress and anxiety with their poor communication skills and lack of empathy.
Your statement is so True! I've just split with an avoidant it was too much like hard work. I went from confident and outgoing to a crying mess in the space of 9 weeks. These kind of people are selfish and self absorbed everything revolves around them! I'm on No Contact and tbh, i no longer care, if they contact me again or not! I intend to be a lot more careful when moving forward into a new relationship! Lesson Learned!
Omg this is so true. Just got out of a relationship with one. Spent over a year feeling alone
So true. At first, I thought that something wrong is with me. Now, when I learned more about this relationship type, I unerstood that Im ok. Its like you talking with a wall. For year and 4 months in relationship with him, I hear only once: I love you!
Absolutely true!!
@@bozotheclown46 the worst loneliness is being with someone you love but they treat you coldly.
Avoidants seem to have time for anyone except their partner. Maybe because they're allowed to get away with keeping things at surface level with others.
Yassss! And seeing them do this is so hurtful.
I think that’s exactly it!
1000%!!
10,000% on the money
This. My ex was known by her family and friends as very selfless, but being her partner… I saw the opposite. Like she was practicing to create boundaries in her life and I was the test subject
While they sit there unwilling to change, were watching videos on 'how to know they love us'. Love and effort should be reciprocated
Damn that's real 😮 This was my sign to stop looking for signs from them. This video did provide clarity on what I was dealing with.
Major gratitude for all of this experience. Stay strong everyone, we all deserve pure love 🤍
Exactly
So true
Lol facts
@@Jonesybabieexactly 😔☹️🤯
Avoidant style partner: they avoid you. You’re always guessing what they’re thinking/doing/intending because they never tell you. Block him Habibi. Yala.
They are not all muslims or arabs habibi..
@@liov2579 lol not all Muslims are Arabs or use Habibi ! There is roughly 14 millions Arabs while there is two billions Muslims.
@liov2579 Damn everyone is so sensitive...maybe she is not Muslim either...girlfriend
My habibi girl 💔
And you KNOW something is off. They lie to themselves and others.
An avoidant person who isnt self aware or willing to change? Leave them. Simple as that.
Sigh.😢
Not really simple when you're very damaged from decades that started in childhood and this doesn't just apply to to romantic relationships which is even harder. It's "friendships" too.
But how about he is self aware, doing the work, but you just don’t know if it’s going to last😢
my ex was either NPD or avoidant .and he does not want to change ,he said If I love him ,I should not change him.
@@jac1161its not simple to work on yourself. Especially if you’ve got trauma. Its scary and risky. But its important to be honest with yourself and your loved ones in life. Working towards a secure attachment style as an avoidant be as simple as letting your partner know “hey I’m going on a walk to clear my head. I’ll be gone for about an hour but I’d like to talk about this when I get back. Are you okay with that?” Or “hey I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Can you give me space for 30 minutes? I need this time for myself”. Its really hard to communicate a need for space, especially when its easier to just leave and not deal with tough feelings. But identifying and communicating your needs will be met with understanding by the right person.
I’m sorry. Unless you have children with an avoidant, it’s best to let the relationship go and focus on becoming SECURELY ATTACHED yourself. Secure people don’t usually have long term relationships with avoidant people because the level of dysfunction and stress would eventually eclipse whatever attraction there is. As my grandmother would always say “I can’t be bothered with all that foolishness”.
All the foolishness indeed🤣🤣
It's life draining to get bread crumbs.
Thank you. Nicely said. This channel is talking about them avoidants like if they were some treasure hard to get. They are just hard to get, no treasure. So, why? - -
When you're in love you're kinda watching such videos but after a year and a half of quite successfully understanding and treating my avoidant, I'm just tired of it and it's not rewarding enough to continue.
Avoidants don't deserve it.
(They should start working on themselves, not us.)
They are narcissist babies who need to grow up especially if they are considering having children.
Yup is too hard you always get confused with them
This does not sound like someone to be in a relationship with. It’s like being with a narcissist without the verbal abuse. It’s destructive to your emotional and psychological well-being.
Sad truth!!
Bro some of them Are even verbally abusive too tho but passive aggressively
This right here.
@@gutta9922yep, especially if they’re being pushed to admit they need to change or deal with something instead of avoid it.
Because at some point in a marriage, you can’t ignore what’s happening or not happening… there has to be a discussion in a reckoning so that we can change course.
But they don’t want that discussion so they’ll scream and call you names , you’re being too sensitive, it’s just PMS or some mood swing, I do it also, what about their feelings? Why are they always a bad guy? Why do you hate them so much… what makes you better than them to discuss this? you’re a hypocrite or self-righteous….
Anything they can say to stop the real conversation from happening that would cause variability and a reworking of the relationship…. Because that would require doing something uncomfortable and changing..
I’ve been told numerous times I just need to be “nice “ and that would fix things. His idea of nice is never discuss anything negative or difficult with him ever… never challenge him even about small things like leaving dishes out or not doing the dishes or hiding away and playing video games for a week every day after work… forget about underlying emotional issues… we can never get to those because we can’t even get to the things that’ll make our house function properly
So I’m left to figure it all out on my own .
Until I put my foot down and he realized that he doesn’t get to have this “religious belief” that marriage is a covenant and I can’t leave or I’m sitting still acting the way he’s acting … I didn’t care what he thought what other people thought I was ready to walk out after 17 years.
Then, only then, was he willing to agree to push himself and change and rework our marriage from the ground up .
I told him if he starts avoiding things again and saying things to shut down conversations (we laid those were out on paper)… We will be back on me trying to figure out how long I want to stay here because I’m not putting up with this anymore
But depending on their degree of avoidance, maybe name calling, too. They also fixate, so recidivism is in the future.
being with someone who is avoidant is like being in one-way street relationship... it goes against everything a healthy relationship should be.
and sadly, we the non avoidant are just as sick because we become addicted to it, with, like all things, roots in childhood. It's where it all starts and for those of us who heal..we find these patterns go waaaaaay back. Tough stuff.
If you're an avoidant, be a good sport and don't date until you're healed.
Amen
They have to have self awareness into the fact that they aren't healed. Why be self aware when they can just go around torturing women and blaming everyone. Losers.
This is good advice, but it's not the whole process. You should start the healing by going to therapy on the regular and consistently. That's step 1. After that step 2 of healing and maturing are going through the steps and processes of building healthy relationships. This is so the same rejection trauma doesn't happen over and over again. Your heart needs to be in the right place from the start, and you should keep the needs and desires of the other person on your mind.
As an avoidant, I've become aware of the stress and pain I cause others in all my budding relationships, and whether I'm doing this for me or for them, I'm determined to change for the better. It's hard but the process does work😤😮💨😇
@@KingSlayer_.Thank you for your comment; this is something i've been struggling with quite a lot recently. Therapy has been an extremely helpful correctional experience for me, and i will continue working on myself with the help of my therapist. Tbh, this process takes a lot of time and putting my existing relationships on hold or denying myself the chance of a romantic relationship until i'm secure has only served to make me (and my family/friends) more miserable in the past. Being more self-aware and honest about issues that might arise as a consequence of not-yet-healed aspects of my attachment style has already helped improve most of my existing relationships. I'm hopeful that being upfront and honest about these issues and not expecting a partner to "fix" or "therapize" me might contribute to making potential partners feel respected. Intimate and authentic relationships (both platonic and romantic) play an important role in my healing process and personal growth.
You think we get a card that says "So you're an avoidant" when we are born or something? We dont know whats going on either
This is so resonant. My avoidant partner and I had a conversation in which I said, “I know this kind of thing is difficult for you to discuss. That’s why it took me so long to bring it up because I was afraid if I did, you’d run under the bed and hide like a feral cat.” He said, “A year ago, I absolutely would have. Vulnerability gives me the shakes. But you have made me feel safe to be vulnerable.” I’ve been able to do that because I went through years of a twelve step program and I understand that he doesn’t WANT to be cold and unloving; this is a trauma response from childhood abuse. So I meet him with compassion and understanding and I let him know that while I’m not going to stifle my own needs, I’m willing to be patient in coaxing him out gently.
This. All these people so quick to demonize without any understanding. DAs are people too. They have feelings. We're not talking about narcissists, in which case I'd agree- run. They need patience & time and for you to show them it's safe. Pushing them into anything will only backfire & it's far from fair to vilify someone who has an attachment style just as unhealthy as yours.
This is the guy lm seeing ATM l’ve learned that if he B pulls back then l must do the same and wait for him to come back
I’ve also learned that if l do to much for him he will pull back cause he is so use to taking care of himself and doing things for himself
If you have any advise for me that will help me with this man, ld love to hear from you ❤
@@jackallen5172 all you can do is turn the focus back on yourself when he pulls away. And be sure to lovingly and non-judgmentally continue to state your needs. And decide if, ultimately, this is tolerable and works for you. I waver on it. When he pulls back I often think, “I have to end this, this isn’t fair to me.” And other times I’m so busy myself that it works for me because I get to live my own life, spend a lot of time with friends and when he comes back I’m able to enjoy the connection. I know that it’s not going to work forever because with an avoidant you are often at the mercy of their intimacy anxiety. You have to be very secure and comfortable with having a partner who doesn’t act like a partner in the true sense of the word to be willing to tolerate the inconsistency.
Perfectly said🥰🥰🥰
@@jackallen5172 it is frustrating because you do kind of have to defer to the avoidant’s avoidance and let him come to you. But that doesn’t mean you don’t also verbalize your own needs or stuff your feelings. If you decide to stay, it’s so important to focus on self care, filling your life with friends who uplift you and activities you enjoy. You have to create a very full life for yourself in order to stay grounded and in a place of self love and peace. My DA sometimes goes 10 days without contacting me and by day 8 my anxious attachment is triggered. I’ve asked him if he’d be willing to check in more and for a while he checked in every day. But now he’s back to needing more space and being uncomfortable expressing his own experience. I don’t know that I can stick around for much longer, but my life is so busy and full at the moment and we’re long distance so it’s easier to cope with. It’s really heartbreaking to know that you have this beautiful thing but that unless they’re willing to do some deep trauma work, the circumstances probably won’t ever change and you’ll never get your needs met. ❤️
i find it ironic that they are scared of being hurt, yet have no problem hurting others. for example; flirting and dm’s with others via social media. it seems everything is always all about them.
I don’t need help. Don’t want someone who doesn’t want me
In their minds, it really is all about them!
No, that is a douche.
I'm an avoidant. I am a commitment-phobe. I may be thoughtless sometimes, but I won't go out of my way to hurt someone. And I will try to minimize hurt.
Like my ex, before we started dating, he already made it very clear how he felt for me. Of course, I'm the one who didn't want the relationship. And one time I was talking with another guy. (And to be clear, I WAS interested in the guy I was talking to.) When my ex saw, he came over and put his arms around my waist. He wasn't my boyfriend at the time. He had no right to be jealous and possessive. But I didn't say anything. And in fact, later when we were all sitting down, even though the guy I had been talking to was sitting in the row behind my ex, I sat down beside my ex, to reassure him. I wasn't his girlfriend. I didn't need to reassure him anything. But I did, because I knew how strongly he felt about me and I didn't want to hurt him.
one more impt. factor i failed to mention is that he is 38yrs. old
@@nycvogue27 He's asking for patience. He's already taken some big steps. He needs baby steps on these others so he doesn't get overwhelmed with so many at once (and you may think it's not at once, but it is a lot in a short timeframe for him). He's already told you he loved you (first!). Take that as a huge win.
So in essence to keep them interested you have to play the mystery game rather than being your authentic self, which is as fake as you can get and hardly worth the time and effort
Yeah, I’m not feeling this either. To me it sounds unhealthy
Yeah. Takes total abandonment of yourself.
They go well with Toxic people😂
I guess, in order to keep avoidants interested, he / she needs to go to therapy or do the 12 step programm or a similiar thing. And before that happens, things need to go really bad, otherwise the avoidant won't move towards help.
Not really. You don't try, don't play the game and just leave them alone if they can't provide what your authentic self actually needs. If you have to be so close to the partner to disclose everything about yourself in relationship, you're just not compatible with an avoidant who needs distance.
This feels cute but practically, all that chasing, pulling back and creating mystery through layers of emotional depth that's hidden takes a toll on your body, your nervous system, your ability to self sooth and regulate your emotions. It sounds like alot of work, not to mention if you have dependants to take care of, it's alot
I hate how they make you feel sooooo unloved!
💔
Facts
It makes them feel sooooo loved ❤❤❤❤
I’m living this almost 7 years.
It felt like I was too much yet not enough. Total mind eff
This is facts!! Avoidants not only avoid growth of a relationship but escalate into unnecessary drama
Thanks for your comment
Yup
Yup
I am an avoidant and I a) seek growth in relationships and b) am a level-headed person with no need for drama. It all depends on the individual.
except that they do an enormous amount of work on themselves unprompted and engage in vulnerability despite not liking doing so. Assertions like yours do as much damage as the behaviors some avoidents display. Try understanding and empathy instead of shitting on an avoident 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Better idea: DUMP EM. Save yourself and your time and leave. Don’t navigate around eggshells, don’t employ strategies, don’t tolerate bs. Just leave and find someone better for you
easier said than done with you are addicted to this from childhood and therefore it's like an addiction, and the nervous system needs healing and rewiring. "Finding some better for you?" High empathy people don't find these people easily!!! You must not get it too well :(
It’s so frustrating to open up to someone, get used to talking to them often, and then they disappear without explanation. If you’re doing work to improve yourself, you deserve someone who does the same and can meet you halfway. If somebody needs space, they should communicate that. Don’t go down a codependent rabbit hole trying to win over someone who can’t even offer empathy to you when they dip out for months at a time.
Thank you! Perfectly said! I was tossed out like garbage and there was absolutely no remorse or anything. It was like I blinked and a new person was acting like our entire relationship was imagined by me. Never again
Same
You hit the nail right on the head! Thank you💯
Fellow ghostee of an avoidant here (though friendship, not love relationship) . I hope soon I'll arrive the state of not wanting him back. But being ghosted out of the blue, after I actually thought we were on good track again, finally, is the hardest thing I ever expierienced.
Most of the time I remember that he's sabotaging himself with his actions and that he's the one who will never expierience deep connection when he doesn't work on himself, so it's his loss. But that doesn't take away the pain in the slightest.
@@mickcrump7799 Am at the same spot and I often have the trash feeling. Then I remind myself that they ran away because they are afraid of closeness and they don't feel worthy enough for us. Out of their perspective, they are the trash.
And neither of it is true. We aren't. They aren't. And the relationship we expierienced was real and deep, that's why they ran.
Just let these people go, they are not capable of healthy interactions. Stress causes real harm.
These aren’t signs they love you… these are red flags
💀💀💀
Yes, because if they don't ACTUALLY change, by themselves for themselves, they will use every damaging, heartless tool again and pull it out at your worst of times.
Yes! The pain of being with them is worse than the pain of not being with them. So I choose myself.
For your safety, don't try to know if an avoidant loves you ⚠️⚠️⚠️ the relationship with them can be more damaging than being with a narcissist... They just leave you at the end like a trush, drained, anxious and paranoid with zero self confidence. If they are not going on therapy then it will be you needing a therapy to gather your shattered self back again.
Yep, us avoidants totally are unworthy of love and are just trash to be avoided like the sewer.
That's what an avoidant would say. Hahaha I think the same about me. I'm not worth the stress I cause on people.
@k.majericao1583 but u could be worth the stress if you became less of a stressful person and did some inner work. But avoidants avoid everything, including inner work lol.
@@Pomagranite167 ha ha aint that the truth.
I'm a happily single avoidant. Message to all other avoidants: stop getting into relationships, you're great single and you don't need their drama. Enjoy your life, get a cute cat. Trust me, it's the peace you're searching for. ❤
I dated an avoidant. Screw that shit. He constantly caused me to question myself and peaked my insecurities and wouldn’t do work on himself. So I left. I deserve a man has done some personal work at the very least.
Nah you don’t DESERVE anything. We don’t deserve people, we earn them
@@jesd5578 Nobody deserve a toxic partner, nobody ever deserved to endure emotional trauma with an avoidant and ending up mentally destroyed. We earn a secure partner, but we can't earn an avoidant, they are just a waste of time and energy.
They will neglect you,ladies love yourself enough to be on your own.
It's not just men that are avoidants, it's also women. My ex was an avoidant woman and she threw me away like i was nothing
Avoidance are huge hassle avoid them as much as possible 😅the funny part is when you do that they keep coming back!😂
Yep, they're totally not worthy of love. Avoid them like lepers.
I am in a situaionship with an avoidant.i have a crush on him ,but not an intimate crush
.he touched me intimately and I have my own traumas which I explained to him and it triggered me like a lot.i explained to him and he apologized ,and we are both in fear.he didn't ghosted me,I pulled back and he came back and it's just draining .we are so bonded over similar things and all I want is closure since we didn't even expressed pur feelings.once I make the work and make ehim express the feelings,if I am willing I will work up with him,otherwise it's time to make it a stop.
Ooh a trauma bond situationship lol girl leave and say goodbye to your crush. He will continue wanting sex from you and will give you 0 emotional intimacy lol
@@Pomagranite167 thank you for the reply sis.i have left him.he is too careful of me now,even afraid to talk to me.seeing this absolute change,I still want to love him because I am tired of finding better people in life.when I expressed everything to my parents,they just want me to get out of the house.i just want to die
Key phrase: keep COMING BACK they have to create a breakup to come back.. its ego inflation by eviscerating you
There comes a point where dealing with THEIR issues just so they can be romantically involved with you is draining. You're basically enabling and catering to the avoidant's needs so THEY can feel understood at the expense of your own sanity. There comes a point where the suitor accepts that the avoidant has their own issues to work on and you won't want to be a part of this vicious hamster wheel cycle that they go through (again at the expense of your sanity and peace of mind). Life is too short. Find someone who doesn't have their walls set up so high and is open to vulnerability. If they have a history of being an avoidant (you can usually tell by how they explain their past relationships and why they left), that's their problem, You don't want to end up being the next person on their dump list till they find someone new........ and then they repeat the cycle again, rinse, repeat.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔..
Contert her right now 💌........
Yes, I am going thru this now. I had to walk away. He doesn’t know it yet though because he won’t answer if I call. So now I’m waiting on him to call me so I can let him know. It’s so sad he hasn’t changed yet- no matter how many times we’ve talked about him disappearing and giving me the silent treatment. I’ve given him so much space. All I asked for was at least a text during the day or, call when he says he will.
They are basically people with NPD.
@@bailey1493 Don’t wait on him to call. Block him. He’s hoping that you’re “waiting on him.” That literally feeds their egos
Yikes. Just realized I was in a 4-month situationship with a textbook Avoidant. But I wasn't familiar with Attachment Theory at the time. He literally ghosted me out of NOWHERE (we didn't have friction or a fight or any negative thing prior to this). It was all going so well. So this literally hit me out of left field. It was DEVASTATING because I cannot go from daily communication to ZERO contact like the person I was talking to isn't a human being and is just ChatGPT or something. It's so confusing and wild.
I experienced exactly this in a 6month relationship- so just know it is TEXTBOOK - move on ASAP because this is just the worst and they are a scorpion not to be trifled with
Sounds familiar AF!! I just got ghosted after being told she didn’t want me to think she was ghosting me lol
Glad it only lasted that long. Now you know gurl!
This happened to me after 4 years. A long distance friend (we went thru the initial Covid shock together) just decided to disappear. He always complained about being ghosted... I guess he wanted to see what it would feel like to be on the other side😢 @AngelofHogwarts did he ever come back? Or did you reach out?
Sounds so familiar.
And after you lose your mind worrying, asking them why they didn't respond at all for days for no reason, they'll just appear from their cave again one day and calmly text, "oh is something wrong? I've just been busy" and you always come across as a psycho.
Never again!
They're afraid of losing themselves but they're running from themselves in the first place
They're really not worth it.
These folks will emotionally abuse you if you let them. Keep your boundaries and stick with them no matter what. I have first hand experience being in a relationship with an avoidant... you never feel settled or grounded in your space with them. When this happens, RUN!
nothing is stable with them。 they are emotionly unstable 。things we planed together always changes last minute and they dont realize that how much they are making ppls life like a mess 。every morning i wake up wondering if i have biyfriend or not for 5 years！
its so tiring and my enegy is drianed off 。could not focus on other things than him，
1. You have a complete understanding of their core wound (what triggers them)
2. You notice that the major tipping points aren't setting them off (they are being triggered less often and/or aren't being triggered anymore)
3. They are allowing themselves to be emotionally intimate with you (this is the "most powerful" sign)
4. When you pull back after they pull back, *they* come back
5. Understanding the role of hidden depths (Chris' anecdotal note that many avoidants tend to lose interest when they feel they've learned everything they can about you, so maintaining some mystery helps hold their interest)
I disagree with Step 4. Narcissistic people literally do Step 4 over and over lol
Soooo... I guess my avoidant truly loves me
Lol at #5… yes I want a relationship with “mystery “
This no contact about to last forever
I don't see many avoidant's commenting so I will. I highly disagree with Num 5 from my own experience but all the other points are solid
especially 3, I'm not vulnerable with even my closest friends, yet If I do this I'm extremely terrified so I don't do it unless I feel very safe
unless they're a psychopath, if thy cry in front of you...
it's real, (but don't look for it or try to get them to cry, cause then they'll shut down.)
@@fortheladies771can an avoidant man just do that over and over again?
Yeah, I was with an avoidant, but he didn’t know it. In the beginning he loved me, did all of these things. I'm so happy I have a secure attachment and left. He slowly faded away so I let him lol. He emails me every couple months to see how I am. I just ignore him. I am with another secure person and we are growing together.
great simple analogy
Maybe he wasn’t avoidant. He was probably just not that into you 🤣
@@wulfsorenson8859 you sound like an amazing person ❤️
Thats exactly what it is. For their inablity to depend on anyone or open up to anyone, they see themselves as so much stronger, wiser, more independent and capable than everyone else, and it really is just a cope. They see vulnerability, relying on others when you need it, taking risks, growth, and being 100% yourself unapologetically as a fool's errand lol
Seems you are judgemental and too immature to allow exes to stay friends. Can't complain of his toxicity then turn around and brag about being toxic back by ignoring a human being who once cared. You act like your happy your hurting him
It’s hard being in love with an avoidant and the reason we attract them is to mirror our own wounds and insecurities. Let that be the reason to be with one so you can grow or go heal your wounds by investing in your healing and become secure that you no longer attract avoidant types.
Its almost impossible to change that program within yourself.
@@plejaren1 It is hard but not impossible. When the pain is great enough, we are ready to do the work.
yes
@@thusharividanagamachchi9779thank you for both of your comments, so well said and inspiring
Sounds like self sabotage. Only date an avoidany if... you'd like to feel used, neglected, left questioning what you did wrong (when you did NOTHING wrong)... sure then go and date an avoidant. Just make sure you're prepared to have your heart broken.
Although I agree with loving yourself is important, there's only so much self love that can be attained.
In a relationship each partner has a responsibility to love the other person in a way that makes them feel loved.
In my experience if an avoidant isn't doing the inner work and only relying on the other partner to nurture the relationship it's not a relationship to begin with.
The avoidants core fears are the opposite of what ANY relationship needs, and therefore it's pointless fighting for their "love".
Exactly!!!
The fact that their core wounds reflect the complete opposite things in a relationship like you said makes so much sense because as an anxious attachment if you are not showing me those things it’s very clouded blurry and quiet.
Yes. A partnership of any kind requires communication. Contribution. Reciprocity.
I'm curious to know more about how many are actually in relationships where both partners feel validated.
bingo!
so the truth is.. when you love yourself fully, you won’t settle for any half love or inconsistencies in your love life.. you will simply leave.. the only problem with his advice is that it’s pretty much impossible to love yourself FOR another person, like to get their attention.. that’s not self love
My ex was an avoidant and he left me out of nowhere. He told me he needs to focus on himself and a relationship isn’t what he can deal with right now. We barely fought. We were happy and good for so long and he dropped me in a minute and packed up and left within an hour. I’m still traumatized and it’s been almost two months. He ended up even blocking me on everything. I can’t help but think it’s my fault even though I know it’s probably not.
It’s not your fault. I’m a studying to be a clinical therapist and I was dating avoidant. We talked every morning and after bc we were long distance and he made a bid deal of announcing online that we were together. He told me he loved me first and he was starting therapy to work on his issues. I was his biggest supporter. I went to visit him and he introduced me to his coworkers and his boyfriend and they all reacted like he’s been talking great things about me to them. Same thing happened with his friends and then the next day, he sent me a love song and was super affectionate in front of his friends and within an hour of leaving the group, he flipped a switch inside him and told me we were from different worlds and our relationship was not even real and he cut me out of his life like I was a disease. It happened so abruptly that I’m still processing it or trying to but I can’t find any empathy for him and what he did to me. What he did was straight up sociopathic and if you have any decency as a human being, there’s no way possible he could have done what he did to me. I have known him 20 years and now I don’t think I ever actually knew him. Don’t blame yourself. These people are selfish and love superficial praise and likes online. They want one night stands and dispose of people like trash. They are the real garbage in this situation. I’m sorry you are still dealing with these emotions. There’s no rational reason for any of it. They are selfish narcissistic people that are empty inside.
I promise it's not your fault AT ALL. Mine went from lovely and affectionate with us starting living together to discarding me in like a week for a girl he had started playing video-games online with, he did it after I tried discussing our relationship situation (commitment), he did not ghost me but his coldness and indifference towards me was awfully painful and shocking. It made me feel anxious and insecure and my amount of protest behavior is not something I'd ever do if dealing with a sane person. He just discarded me like that for a woman he didn't even know in person yet, and then acted like I was a stranger, the whole thing felt so cruel.
It made doubt myself a lot, and question every little decision I made, every word I said.. that's how they leave you, even if you're confident or secure. AVOID THEM!! We can't help them, we can't fix them. They're damaged and go around causing damage to others. And I agree with you that it is traumatizing. I haven't been able to sleep well ever since, and I'm in therapy now.
I am going through this right now. It's been 5 weeks after a 6 year relationship with a house and dogs and she won't even talk to me
@@petermulders1501 wow that’s horrible . She sounds pretty sick .
@@carolinelaronda4523 I don't see it that way now, more sad and disappointed than anything else
As someone with Fearful-Avoidant attachment style with a great deal of self-awareness, reading the comments pains me so. A really small part of me wants to date but the bigger part of me realizes the burden me and my partner would have to go through so I think I am much happier single as having a partner would break my self-regulation. Getting loved gets me anxious, making me feel shame and breaking all my resilience making me cry uncontrollably since love was a tool my parents used to make them feel better after giving me too harsh a punishment or reacting violently. It really is not our fault we ended up this way but I do understand we easily hurt others out of fear, anxiety and being scared. The worst part in my situation is being so self-aware of myself (which might be another sign from the attachment) since I had to logically explain everything by myself so I know I am broken but I am too scared of even trying to fix this since it requires me to be vulnerable to partner and the dis-regulation a partner or a child brings. God I am getting anxious writing this but I hope this brings out that we are people too and not necessarily the narcissists you might think even if our behaviour is similar.
Thank you. ❤️
I hear you. ♥️ I am dealing with my avoidant bf now. And I would really love to stay by his side while he's battling his own struggles. There are 2 sides of my brain fighting right now. 1 is, I am hurt he's being avoidant. It's been quite sometime that I have been dealing with his avoidant behavior. 2 is, he once told me that he does not want to be dramatic because he's a man. And in my head, that's maybe because the society put a standard to a man to 'man-up' and not to show their emotions, to be strong. Or just like the video, it maybe a core problem from his childhood. But were currently no contact. Hoping that he'll find peace and heal. Hoping that he be vulnerable to me so I can understand him more and to give the appropriate love and care. Thanks for you comment. Glad I stumble upon.
Your comment is very relatable. Thanks for sharing
I think what would alleviate a lot of issues in relationships with avoidant’s is if they communicated an said it’s not you it’s my own issues I still love you I just need to have a few days to calm myself or whatever works individually just saying withdrawal an shutting down is what causes the hurt !
@@Nicole-fl8gv it's not that easy for an avoidant seems like common simple sense but because avoidants lack emotional intelligence they dont look at it like that a lot of what they do comes from the subconscious part of them
It sounds like some people on here are trying to say that people with certain attachment styles don't deserve to try and find love. I just recently found out about attachment styles while working with my new therapist, and it turns out I'm a fearful avoidant. My bf and I are both on our own personal healing journeys and we've actually been helping one another. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because we all have pasts that in one way or another effects us.
Love this! The important thing in any relationship is whether each person is willing to work on their own issues and be the best version of themselves. It may be two steps forward and one step back but we all have our issues. I have an anxious attachment style that I have been working on for years. Tons of progress but not perfect. None of us can help how we were raised or the experiences that shaped us, but we can decide if we’ll be victims to those experiences or learn from them.
I agree. Somehow I’m like perfectly all of the attachment styles and I’m not even sure how that’s possible lol but the man I’m in love with is avoidant (i think..maybe he’s a mixture too, like me.) I think I used to be more anxious/avoidant myself and my 41 year old husband died a year and a half ago suddenly and since then I’ve been working on becoming more secure. We both deserve love and no matter what happens I’ll try to continue believing that.
Totally agree with you. Everyone is deserving of love. Our attachment style isn’t our fault but as adults it is our responsibility. If both people are willing to show up, anything can be worked through. I’m an FA and my boyfriend is a DA. I have found the most important things have been communicating-honestly, regularly & clearly, vulnerability and effort to understand and truly hear each others perspective. If you have something special with someone and you love them, give them grace. We all deserve grace, intimacy and connection. ❤
The difference is that you're working with a therapist. Some avoidants refuse to work on their issues.
I don't like the word "deserve". No one is owed love or owed a relationship.
Not always worth the pain, trying to deal with an avoidant. You’ve gotta be strong to handle the constantly giving them space part…leaving you “waiting “
And honestly the waiting wouldn't be nearly as painful if the avoidant could just at least learn to communicate WHEN they are feeling the need to be avoidant. It takes just a few words: "Hey baby, I need some space today, just wanted to give you a heads up. I love you".
@@BlinkinFireflyexactly!! Or I need a few days… but that would make too much sense now wouldn’t it…
@@TheMsSepi Right? :(
Im a grown man and this video almost made me cry from remembering my relationship. She wouldn’t let me love her and I miss her. Every single day she would have a new mood. She loved our relationship and then 2 days later she said our relationship was bad. It was like this for the whole time we were together almost. It messed me up emotionally and I sometimes just sit in a corner and curl up and try to hug myself. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so abandoned
Naturally you start wondering why they keep disappearing. You assume there is someone else. Of course, they never actually tell you the truth, they just put blame on you and leave you in confusion. And if you question them, they accuse you of being insecure/jealous etc. You can't win.
My avoidant ex actually made me more insecure, my ex from before was secure so never had issues. I prefer to find a secure partner again while growing more secure myself, I like to be in a slow but upward flow, not stagnation after stagnation or downward flow every single month. Over it :)
Personally, Ive been through physical, emotional and mental abuse in a prior relationship. I felt horrible and never wanted to feel that again. I met a “sweet, kind, shy” guy last month, but he seems avoidant and it made me feel insecure again. I wished him well and walked away. I’ll never go back to dysfunction again. They have to rise up, we can’t go down to their lower vibration 🙌🏼
@@Therealdonaldtrumpusa very good, never again! I have now attracted a very healthy new relationship, I wish you the same dear! ❤️ It feels so free to have a man who is secure
This happened to me recently and it was so good to find myself again after realizing that they only thing I lost in that mess was myself. I was literally being told how much they loved me that morning and by that afternoon, I was literally being told our relationship was nothing but nostalgia and we weren’t going to work bc we were from two different worlds. And the change literally occurred like a switch being turned on or off and they went from being my partner to someone who claimed our entire relationship was nothing and cut me out of their life. I’ve never experienced anything as horrific and awful as this experience was and I Hope never to again
Respectfully, either this seems unreasonable, or dealing with avoidants is excessively high-maintenance. It necessitates suppressing your true self and adopting a specific persona to avoid alienating them-essentially, engaging in games and being disingenuous. Being vulnerable becomes challenging. The provided information primarily focuses on tolerating avoidant behavior, and it raises the question: who would willingly embrace such an effort? The level of exertion required in dealing with them is considerable.
Agreed. You have to be willing to be disrespectful to yourself to tolerate their behavior. And most of these videos about dealing with DAs are literally just telling you how to keep enabling them. The only ones worth dating are the ones that are already in therapy and genuinely want to change. Accommodating them so they don’t get spooked sends the message that “Hey, it’s ok you don’t need to change. Please do whatever you need to so you can stay safe within your comfort zone.”
This is so exhausting! I'll rather date another person.
Lol lol right
😂 I am starting to agree.
Yeah well the good part is it makes you look at the person and if you truly love them because love is an act not a feeling. Other men may give you lots of attention and talk ALOT but deep down it’s an act. I rather get little by little and built on that, knowing it’s genuine and it comes from the heart.
Me too
Gotta maximize your attractiveness and stay focused on yourself so you stay interesting, secure in yourself, and enjoy your own life
Are you saying this as the avoidant or the partner of the avoidant
@@Freyasdragon I think it applies to all attachment styles, but as an avoidant, it's also something an avoidant would say 😆
@@fitforfreelance Sure and what you said, the way that you said it and the smiley you choose in the end prove the imaturity of avoidants (kinda teenageish).
@@katja-2kat.s yeah like the 86 people who liked my comment, all teenagerish avoidants. I think emoji can make communication more relatable (as someone with avoidant tendencies), but not all communication is effective. Sorry about that, hyper-vigilant internet stranger.
@@katja-2kat.s You're attitude is what men would find MOST unattractive. You're not one bit patient. And you're reply would be unattractive to MOST decent, attractive, successful, sweet men.
It's been 7yrs of relationship w/ my avoidant husband, almost 1 month since he stop communicating w/ me. Only now I realize this isn't fixable, I can't be forever anxious and always the one reaching out first even though its his fault. I've learned my lesson the hard way, the only thing thay makes it more difficult to leave is bec we have a child together, but I have to accept that no matter how much I tried It'll never be a healthy relationship. I feel sorry for my son to have such a father who ran away when there's a prob to be solved. It's not a wife duty to fix his husband immaturity.
I have an avoidant boyfriend too and he just broke up with me yesterday. I think, it's time for me to completely let him go. I've been thinking a lot about this that when every time we have a problem to fix, he would disappear for 2 weeks and there also comes a time it went far to a month. I keep asking myself if this the guy i want to be with or to be a father of my future kids.
@@queeniefernandez215 Down the road, this will make you depressed and utterly miserable! You deserve better treatment.
Don’t think of What could be. Just take what it is for reality. There’s no catch here. An avoidant doesn't love himself. Don't expect any love from him. Just expect to constantly give without any return. “Thank-you”isn't part of his vocabulary so don't even bother giving him any gift. He may even make you feel guilty about it. He lies constantly and manipulation is his second nature. He is very talented in the art of victimization. In other words:“Run Forrest”!
I just think that it would be too much work to be in a relationship with someone like this. I completely understand that we all have issues, but if you can't commit to your partner and the relationship, then you shouldn't even be trying to be in one. So many of us need to work on ourselves, myself included, but to put someone through all those emotional ups and downs is really unfair. If you are constantly pulling away from your bf/gf, then you're probably not going to have a relationship at all. Most people need that connection and communication in order to make it work.
*all ppl need the connection and communication to make it work.
Even the avoidants. They just rely on the OTHER party to do it, but not themselves. I think its impossible for 2 avoidants to be together for that reason. There is NO foundation to build on for 2 avoidants. Neither give or recieve motivation to chase each other and meet the other half way. Its devoid of ANY intimacy because neither person will initiate it. Neither recieves praise or reassurance because neither will give it. So even they know it is required for a relationship. They just will not be the ones providing the connection or communication to make it work. They want to have it but not give it.
Thank you. I agree.
They are just waiting for people like me who have agape love. Fully unconditional love that is self satisfying and does not require any form of ego reward to upkeep. I could love someone forever happily and never get one drop of appreciative energy or return of compassion. Do you. I'm over here being love eternal. If that is what you need. I'm your rock. So to speak.
@@Pomagranite167 AMEN!!!!!!
Everyone deserves to be loved and understood by someone.
Mine took issue with my request for consistent communication..you cant even get that out of damn avoidants.
😬 Yes, it's very tricky even bringing up the topic to them. I'm wondering if, in your experience, this individual wouldn't really send "good morning" texts, either?
When I told one that wanting OPEN communication was the bare minimum, the response was eye opening. They really believe only needy codependents could possibly want such a thing. 😆 cheezits
That's actually a lot for them
i find it more interesting why you would want constant communication to begin with. that sounds as ridiculous as the behaviour of the avoidants tbh
THIS !!!!!!!
It doesn’t matter if they love you or not. Just because there is love doesn’t mean there should be a relationship. Just walk away, heal the grief from the loss of fantasy of what it could have been, and move on to another relationship. It is not your responsibility to heal them. The end.
But what if they want to heal themselves through the process?
Genuine question, not saying it to be rude.
@@OhhSnapShelleyy When you meet one that does, be sure and let us know
Crazy, I just realized I was with an avoidant he pretty much ghosted me...the thing is I don't care to chase or beg him to "please come back" I honestly find it's healthier for me to find someone who is more compatible and thoughtful towards me than to try to keep up with an avoidant roller-coaster. There's no way, I'm letting this person back in.
Was he an avoidant or narcissist ?
@@Shehroz-Ali just avoidant, like not wanting to show up in the relationship.
@@creativeopinions8250 okay but i am like confused between avoidants and narcs, what makes them to differentiate ?
@@Shehroz-Ali Well a narc often has an inflated sense of self-importance combined with a lack of empathy; they only see things from their perspective and there’s no cure for that. An avoidant (or dismissive-avoidant adult) has an avoidant attachment style which they learned as a child. This type of behavior was formed when the parents or caretakers were emotionally distant, disconnected and inattentive to the child’s needs. Over time the child learned to numb their needs and emotions because there was no soothing coming from the caregivers. (The left brain: analytical, logical, linear, shaming, egocentric and anxiety-based becomes overdeveloped, and the right brain: curious, empathic, creative, joyful and playful side becomes underdeveloped). This is why the child becomes an adult that learns to believe that having emotions is weak, whereas being unemotional is strong. In my opinion avoidants are not to blame, they just need to realize they have this problem and fix it with a counsellor.
@@creativeopinions8250 Thank you so much for the detailed analytical answer. My guy is between narc and avoidant personality style and i know how tough and frustrating it becomes when i need him and he is apath overly rational af! Though i love him alot❤️but...
I just love your content. I am a 61 yo INFJ Woman... AND an anxious attachment style. I keep attracting avoidant men for the past 40 years... They burn my empthy reserves up. NOT worth any type of psychology time anymore
I think it's best to accept them for who they are and where they are right now without expectations of a healthy relationship with them. It hurts because of the expectations. It's possible to have a loving and positive relationship with them. If it's painful to be in a relationship with them, you don't have to. just be compassionate and kind
I get that. The biggest downfall with avoidants, though, is their abusive/toxic behaviours.
Many alongside myself have support with a full heart... And been treated to behaviours like stonewalling, cheating, and manipulation.
I'd agree that you can have a healthy relationship with an avoidant, but I'd probably say at the cost of the other individual.
The suppression that individuals put themselves through to just get along is scary.
@@DobermanDanK9do avoidant men cheat often or easily? The avoidant man I met three years ago says he never cheated on anyone when I asked him. He's very slow in moving the relationship forward.
@jennifersolga6172 I wouldn't be sure on gender specifics, but you have to remember avoidants mask.
What they say, and what they do are usually two different things. Someone's story involved the avoidant saying they didn't like casual hook ups, but found out they were sexting and hooking up casually.
It's usually projection to make them look good in your eyes. Hence why a lot of people feel led on, duked.
I'm certainly into her potential. She has shown so many signs of growth in the past year and she's young and hasn't had many experiences anyway so it makes me more confident that something could work one day
We just need therapy, maturity and trust. Trust in everything, especially in the emotional stability of the other. I'm sorry for the damage we have caused. Forget us. It's not us that you fell in love for, it was for this energy of loss, grief, that we bring. It's a sad game, trauma binding.
I don't know if my ex is an avoidant or not, all I know is after planning for a year to move in with each other he pulled back and said he couldn't commit to it. I broke off the relationship due to his lack of integrity. I'm now no contact and dealing with the heartbreak. After 6.5 year relationship and planning all of this, it was such a huge disappointment! I'm not interested in getting back together with him, I'm huge on trust and doing what you say you are going to do. He burned that bridge with me.
These videos seem to assume that just because one doesn't put up with an avoidant, they are anxious. Apart from the superficial generalization, it seems to me that there is a great more wisdom in the comments below based on firsthand experiences of people who have been with avoidant partners. An avoidant ends up behaving selfishly and being with them is draining as they also lack empathy, without which there is no real intimacy, so I am not sure what's there to love about them anyway! thanks to all the comments below, I agree with all those who said that it is a good idea to walk, which is what I did and it feels great! don't be afraid to do the same, because the upside of breaking up with an avoidant is that you don't miss them, because there's nothing to miss: they were never there for you in the first place! leaving them is not about being anxious, it's about being healthy self-respecting and self-loving!
Too much trouble... I am mostly secure and will only date secure men from now on. After four years, I finally was able to walk away forever. (This, after being taken for granted, ignored, and finally monkey branched, and offered "friendship"). I had no problem giving space since I also have my own family, friends, and activities. There were really no arguments. We were compatible in many ways. I guess there was too much stability and not enough " mystery". Well, there is mystery now since I just "vanished". Sometimes love is not enough.
My sister is an avoidant and I've learned a lot from her. Its true they can love you so much but push you away. Sadly. You just have to give them space when they need it. And still show your interest.
so your sister is an avoidant, but not you? very intresting. why?❤
What is so strange is he said I love you first, he brought up moving in together and marriage. So what gives
Mine did this same thing too & then he didn’t want to acknowledge it or claim it
same. i cut him off and when he realized i wasn’t bullshitting, he got his shit together (momentarily), and apologized for acting like a dumbass, then told me he was actually falling in love with me….but was still scared of being hurt. then of course, history repeated itself and his actions, in no way whatsoever, matched his words, and he did his bs “pull away” crap.
This happened to me too. She said I love you first, was falling in love with me wanted to move in etc it felt amazing then literally overnight she went cold, distant and basically checked out. Then came knocking on my door with flowers saying what an idiot they’ve been but pretty much went straight back to the cold & uninvested. Literally have broken my heart I still love her so much 😔
@@garthye4024 it is so hard. Each day gets better as long as I stay busy. Start getting out there and meet people. It helps alot!
Same boat!!! Too old for words and no actions!!! Hate waiting around for others when I am not getting my needs met but always feeding his needs for more independence and his time for him… yet he pursued me
Wow, I love the last part ... it is so true. Keep putting your energy into yourself and give yourself permission to be everything you've always wanted to be. That is a recipe for success, regardless of who else you give your love to.
Absolutely!
@Anne sitter or
This comment made me cry. This is what I have always felt in my life.
@@javierlandaverde4108 💜
Now I don’t date anyone who aren’t healed. It’s not my job to fix their childhood trauma. Plus I used to help my ex bf. It fucked me up so much. They are the one not hesitate to hurt me.
You will never have a mutually fulfilling relationship if you think healing them will get them to show up the way you want. Leave 'it' alone.
@@ak-47intelligence75 learned the hard way that you are correct. Can't heal or help anyone who doesn't want it.
me too i was just ghosted dumped by a veteran with severe ptsd and molestation flashbacks. he said my love would save him from suicide. now i been ghosted. he wouldnt even call me his gf though and he was broke but welll i tried. he said he wss so lonely at first, come over to his house, things that id like to reel me in. then toss me back out to sea 😔
This just sounds like a big blob of mind games
The avoidant I’ve been dealing with for some time , I decided to pull back from him and I guess he’s feeling that energy of me possibly slipping away….so now he chases me , and told me he loved me after not having said it for a few months now ……it’s a long distance thing , but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m comfortable with it just being like this, with me not reaching out, until he show me he wants me and wants more with me….so it is what it is. He need to feel like i possibly will leave . I used to be the chaser and that got me nowhere…now he’s doing more of the chasing .
I'm in the same boat, maybe not with the insight of anything for the future, but I have left it to them to reach out.
Unfortunately, the avoidant I was dealing with had a 3rd party in the background and is now with them.
The last one - about keeping mystery - this is a non-starter if you want real love that grows and deepens and where you have layers upon layers of connection that one can build with a romantic partner in the long term that makes them a life partner - if you want that for your life, avoid dismissive avoidants!
Thank you to let me know he loves me. The time my DA pulled back I pulled back and few weeks later I sent him some food to let him know I did care for him. The very next day he called back & we got back together. I just hope that this the pulling back & forth circle would end one day but it's not! It's been a torturing love. He felt sorry for me for who he was and went to a therapy but....the more stressful the worse he was. I have just to pull back from him for good.
I just gave it a year and walked away. It’s not just being an avoidant but not letting go of the places of hurt and addressing them. There’s bare minimum reciprocation and it’s truly a waste of time. They have no sympathy or empathy unless it pertains to themselves. If you are a person who reciprocates and wants the same don’t waste your time with them. Your cup will forever be empty.
I left him but I cannot blame him. It is who it is. And I hurt myself by staying after I saw the signs. I have an anxious attachment style.
After learning about attachment styles I'm just realizing now that i was seeing an avoidant. Things were going great, it seemed like just a matter of time before we were official. After the first time we get upset at each other, and over something so small and stupid.. she ghosts me for a week. Would've probably been permanent if i hadn't reached out. But when i finally heard back, she just says she's not interested anymore. That there's multiple reasons she thinks it won't work out. No explanation, no talk, no closure, no nothing.
I'm left heartbroken over all of this. I was so sure she was the one and that things were going great before this. But one tiny bump in the road was enough for her to end it. It's been a week now that i decided to go no contact with her.
I realize that she would be unhealthy for me, but still a part of me still wants her. If she ever came back and apologized, I may be open to it. But i dont see an avoidant doing something like that. What sucks too is we live very close to each other. Literally on the same street. So it's never going to be out of sight out of mind. It's going to be a really tough thing to live with, cause I really let her in. Now I'm suffering the consequences which i never saw coming.
Im a fearful avoidant who was in a year long situationship with an anxious. I didn’t know anything about attachment theory at the time. He pursued me kinda, and I slowly started falling in love with him but never showed it until the very end, when I finally confessed my feelings and explained as best I could why I thought it wouldn’t work. He was very codependent too and I was afraid he wouldn’t grow into his own man if I stayed. So I said goodbye and went no contact. It’s been a year and a half now and I’ve learned so much about myself because of him, and Im struggling with guilt over my avoidant behavior during our relationship. I still don’t want to date him but I want to give us closure and apologize for my side of things, as well as address how his patterning affected me too. Is that a good idea? Or will it make things worse?
@@christinagrinstead1123 Just leave the poor bastard alone
I’m in a similar case. Went on two dates, she wasn’t very huggy, but i got her to hug me after second date. Didn’t even get a kiss!
She texted me every day with nice stuff. We had 3rd date planned.
Night before 3rd date i made a joke on her facebook post.
She responded with 😡 angry react, and next morning she cancelled saying the idea didn’t seem so exciting anymore, and i never heard from her since.
It’s been over a week.
She’s still active on social media, posting mirror selfies and stuff.
I plan to reach out closer to her birthday just to say happy birthday and i’d like to hang out again if she’s down.
If she responds, she responds. If not, oh well.
I need to move on. I’ve never woken up every day with anxiety butterflies in stomach feeling until this girl cut me off.
I hate it.
@@christinagrinstead1123 sorry I didn't notice this sooner. To me it sounds as if explaining to him why it wouldn't work when u broke up was the closure. If neither of u had spoken since then it for that long then it may be best to leave things as is. If it had been the case that u hurt him, or left on bad terms, or left him confused, maybe apologizing or explaining your behavior wouldn't be a bad idea.
I wish I had gotten an explanation or a conversation with my situation. But the difference is with me, I got left without any answers. In your case, although u may feel guilty about some things, in the end u atleast did the right thing and explained why u thought it wouldn't work.
Another thing is if he still has feelings for u, then talking to him out of the blue may give him the wrong idea or get his hopes up.
I know it's a late response but hope this helps in some way. It's just my opinion tho, at the end of the day it's up to u.
@@kingpazn sorry to hear man. Don't sweat the kiss thing. Some girls take more time than others in getting comfortable enough to kiss someone.
I know it sucks, but trust me you'd rather have this happen now within the first few dates or so, than spend a good amount of time with her, get attached and then get dumped.
My best advice is to start looking for someone else. But if u really want to try with her again, give it some time, reach out and try and set up a date. If it doesn't happen then it's best just to move on.
We can only do so much. Plus u want a girl that is actually interested, excited to see u and wants to spend time with u. If she is really interested then she will make things easy for u.
The feeling sucks I know. But that anxiety will fade in time. I was absolutely crushed when I wrote that post, and it took months before I could even think straight. But I am doing better now. So trust me it will go away eventually.
But in the meantime, try and find another girl and work on bettering yourself. If u aren't involved in fitness at all I would recommend it. It really helped me in getting through this. U deserve better tho and you'll find it if u look for it.
When an avoidant is in love with you one) you will know completely what their core wound is two) you don’t set them off three) They are allowing themselves to be intimately emotional with you.4) Tactical empathy: they come back after you pull back 5) understand the role that hidden depths can have. You are able to evolve independently.
I am learning that my DA was in love with me, but still was unwilling to hear my needs without taking it as criticism and certainly wasn’t able to do anything to show up for me or my needs.
As an avoidant myself, yes we're uncomfortable with feelings and vulnerability but no we don't shame anyone for confronting us. We are the ones actually feeling the shame for not being able to please the people we love! Everyone tries to paint us as villains as if we're not human too. As if being anxious isn't a trauma response just like avoidance.
Im anxious my bf has avoidant sides and he often told me he is ashamed he cant show love as much as i do, but we also are in distance and ik this doesnt make things even more easy for us
I agree with u, its like telling an anxious person they are not good coz they will make u feel guilty for anything, like only secure people deserve love? My bf used to not make efforts in the past, now does for things i cant manage to reassure myself with, People adapt when love
The issue is your trauma can easily end up making trauma for someone else. And that’s no ok
@@GW-gz8jh thats why there is smth called "work on ur relationship"
I'm so sorry man... That's why I'm so patient with my boy, because I know what he went through
That's fine. You can feel. However, just stop getting into relationships knowing you're going hurt people heal first and if you can't stay single.
Excellent advice. Most of us have wounds which make us behave in less than ideal ways in intimate settings. Understanding each other is key (so as to avoid being triggered & abandoning the connection). Once you learn to read between the lines & reframe what they're doing there's a lot of joy to be had with your avoidant. And eventually if you take the time you might both end up being securely attached & having a great life together. That's worth doing some work for, surely!
Just date a healthy person
Agreed...I just wasted 10years of my life on a "hot n cold" avoidance future promising
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔....
I don’t think there are enough of them out there tbh lol
@@Tcl24valamp meeee toooo
@@Tcl24valamp 🤷♀️
"Loving yourself so relentlessly that you continue to strive and evolve as a human being..." BINGO!
Isn’t that what everyone should be doing?
With an avoidant, you have to love yourself relentlessly because they will not love you back lol you need to do the work of loving yourself because they won't 😂
Have you ever noticed that an avoidant is always more concerned and oddly attached to their dog…. Guess it makes some sense for them?
They are scared to get too close to a human. After all , that takes strength and a level of risk.
They think the dog loves them, in reality
But that pet dog will love anyone who is good, kind and feeds it. It’s a control thing with the avoidant. They can command the dog , they can yell at the dog , be affectionate with the dog or kick it outside at their convenience.
The dog will always be there.
A little narcissistic and shallow.
💯 💯 💯
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔...
Contert her right now 💌.......
Oh yeah, the avoidant I've been learning a LOT from literally loves no-one else but his dog. I get it, he's been through some shit (the guy, not the dog), and our friendship is teaching me to heal from my own anxious-avoidant issues. But only because I'm aware of them. It would suck horribly if I wasn't.
wow! yuuup! absolutely, my FA ex always used her dog as an excuse to never come to my house, it had anxiety issues and couldn't leave her house for a night...
I wasted 6 years in my 20s understanding and loving someone this type. She left just because she didn't feel loved because few of her behaviours that I wanted her to change were beyond her walls. Even if they open up to you, they finally accuse you of tricking them into flattery whenever verbal spat happens.
Never am I dating someone like this in my life. It becomes unbearable when you live with them especially if you are a high performer. I respect my ex, she did change me for better but will never ever take her back or anyone of this type.
How did she change you for the better?
it could all be so simple. but the fact that people play so many games it sucks a lot. i wish i could have someone who isn’t afraid of being vulnerable. i wouldn’t take the person for granted.
There will be someone one day, keep focusing on yourself and you will find your secure type.
In their defense, they don’t do it for fun, trouble being vulnerable with others comes from deep trauma and pain. There are evil people too who just want to hurt others, but that’s not what this video was about.
Female Aries, Avoidant Only child here...my Dad actually told me they left me alone as a child to work out my own emotions, so that probably did contribute alot to my avoidant style. I don't need to discuss my emotions all the time and wear them on my sleeve 24/7, I'm fine dealing with them myself and see it as a burden on others. You think we don't have Empathy because we don't show it, but we have TONS of Empathy, sometimes more than most. I can also say that I'm not afraid of Love at all and have no problem being in committed, loving relationships. Its being tied to the WRONG person that is terrifying, so yeah I do run when those tipping points are moving too fast if I'm not in love with that person.
Omg!!!! My current girlfriend is a female Aries and the fact that you mentioned this first shocked me because her avoidance is killing me.
avoidants should be banned from meeting anyone until they fix their souls
What if you was the one that could have gotten through to them and the opportunity for them to heal is denied because of you avoiding the attachment style
I agree. My girlfriend is avoidant. This is the fourth time we've had a relationship. By now I understood the core of her vulnerability. As in most cases, the root of the problem had to be found in childhood. She is afraid of abandonment because her parents abandoned her. She also received love only under conditions. Just my effort to understand her broke down the walls. She consciously works on herself to avoid repeating the pattern. They deserve a happy life too. It's not an impossible mission. 😉
@@MrBiiila how did you actually acknowladge her about her attachment style, i want my ex back, but as an FA she is sensitive and i know she would take it as an insult and i wud push her even more far away
@@imferrer Yes, she would take as an insult. But I have already lost her.. again 😅 So yesss... She told me she is working on herself. In the end everything was the same. Same pattern, double standards, blameing, devaluation and so on. Good luck my friend!
@@MrBiiila bro i had same, she said i shouldnt be like this im sorry, but her behaviour pattern was just always same. And sex? Man if i said lets get intimate she said no you are deviation, and i was like wtf? But i didnt know about attachment styles b4 our relationship , i m just educating coz i was looking for how to get your ex back and then i got deeply into this
Thats too much work. If they'll always want someone they can't have- then YOU will never be enough. EVENTUALLY someone close is going to know you in all your depths, if then they want to leave and infatuate on someone else- that will break your heart by then. I say avoid 'avoidants' as if they were sociopaths. They need to much work done before they could ever be fixed and face it...NO ONE ever fixes themselves- the program and the trauma that caused it, just goes too deep to get rid of.
OR, you can save yourself the headache and become a secure attachment style yourself, and an avoidant probably won't be attractive to you. Been there, done that, won't do it again.
Nope! They said actually the best type to handle an avoidant is a secure attachment person.
And I'm an avoidant. My best relationship was with a secure. I even got engaged to him.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔...
Contert her right now 💌.......
十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你......
@@aewtx I love this comment!
This is absolutely soul crushing
It does not matter if they love you or not. Get away, move on and find somebody more in tune with yourself.
I only recently realized after three years he's an avoidant explains so much
Save your time and heart. If they are not going to put in the work why should you. Run now as soon as you see them pull back. Use is as your opportunity to escape years of heart break that only erodes your own self worth.
As an older(64), slightly more enlightened individual with a formerly anxious/preoccupied -avoidant attachment style who came from a highly dysfunctional background I finally see the rationale for my turning marriage, family and child counseling into such a passion.
Since it didn't feel good trying to grow up in my family of origin home I determined early in my life that I would patiently wait for the kind of partner who inspires trust through safety and only then would I become open to talking about marriage and raising a family.
A healthy, happy, well-balanced child needs a whole Mom and a whole Dad.
I've worked on my own personal growth for the last 35 years and when I finally got mentally clear and physiologically secure/safe enough of all the dysfunction in my own family I could finally see clear enough to make a firm commitment that I see no reason to change.
I met this incredible guy, and he is an avoidant,not knowing about attatchment styles the relationship was doomed before it began,but right after breakup I learned what an avoidant is and how to deal with him and we are closer now than durring our relationship. They need help,they suck at relationships, but they can be good people too.
If an avoidant wants to be with you. Same as anyone else. THEY!!! Need to take the responsibility for once and get counselling, lots of it! And sort themselves out so that they are a suitable half of a couple. Do not even consider having another coffee with them even - until they have done the work. Why should you? They don't think its worth it, so why should you?????
Oh Man! I wish I'd seen this a year ago. I thought I had my shit together and being patient for the third time, each time getting a little closer and lasting a little longer. But I chose to ignore the signs of pulling away, so when he suddenly decided to go quiet I lost it at him. Unfortunately I'm not just anxious but I have ADHD so I have the emotional regulation of a carrot. He decided to do this right in the middle of my exams, I was already drained mentally, and I lost it at him. How the hell are you ever supposed to ever fix that?
You can't fix it. They can't even see what the problem is. To them we're always the clingy drama queen.
It's not your job to heal their avoidant behavior. They have to do that themselves
Give them space, then get blamed for being distant. 🎉
😂
Personally, I make it a habit to not entertain people who find it acceptable to make their trauma my trauma. Once with an avoidant was enough for me. I can only describe it as a soul sucking experience.
Emotional vampirism
i'm sorry but how do an avoidant can even have a relationship alone when they're so hard to love and understand
Always having to wait is I guess one of the worst things for me sometimes there are times when I needed care the most but they are not around me because they’re too busy. Dealing with their own issues is really not helping the relationship. What can he sacrifice or compromise in the relationship to keep us together but instead, he’s too busy being blinded in his own issues, and not realizing that he has a girlfriend to take care of when I needed him the most, but you see I loved him very much. I feel guilty for being selfish and making him feel like he’s not the best for me that he’s too toxic for me or he’s not good enough when I mentioned what my needs are and he just decided to push me away as he kept saying sorry for the pain and suffering and the hurt that he’s gi given to me and it hurts a lot because I love him so much.
If he's not working HARD on this on counseling, then he's not very sorry at all.
My experience with an Avoidant has led me to being Secure. How ironic, right?
My Anxious attachment style went into immediate overdrive within the first 2 months. 4 years later, I'm very secure, and he needs to go inward, I'm way more patient and understanding. I had to do a lot of work on myself, become a better advocate/communicator for my needs and am emotionally stable. Having to reparent and retrain myself, was a long journey but so worth it.
There are many moments where I've thought of leaving to make things easy but my love for him is bigger than that. He's self-aware of his opportunities and makes genuine attempts to work on them. ❤ Slow and steady wins the race. 😊
Same here dude same here
But, it doesn't matter if he/she loves you because they run away anyway.
Not worth it, im exhausted! My face is broken out my anxiety is through the roof! He tell me we can hang but he not ready for responsibility, hes 68 yrs old 🙄
I just dont know if I can do this… it’s exhausting… despite how much I care about him.
He always told me how to give him space but never how to get closer...how to give his distance but never to share intimacy
My avoidant broke up with me. If/ when he comes back, I will require him to go to counseling to heal from this issue. I’m not willing to try to bend for him or fix him. I love myself too much ❤.
Good luck with that councelling cookie. Make sure you suggest it so they f*** straight off again...
I really like your perspective and how you ended this video. The content is emationally heavy but you kept it light and as possitive as possible. It allow me to feel compassion for someone who maybe struggling with this.
I spent 2 years with one. First 3 months were great and open. Then we started living together and slowly she pushed away. Sex was once a month if i was lucky. She slept with her kids in a different room. She made friends and put them before me. Finally i broke up with her and i was the bad guy. Then she got with a coworker a month later and is dating him now.
This is exactly what I’m going through. He sleeps in the rm with his kids that don’t want him in there because they are teenagers and then when I pull back and isolate myself I’m the bad guy. 2 yrs together and almost a yr married and we won’t make it to our 1 yr anniversary because I give up. He uses ppl constantly for his selfish reasons but every else is selfish mind u we got his back, he just don’t have ours. So I’m leaving and I’m the bad guy and the bad guy I will stay cause I have genuine love in my heart and he knows that but don’t accept it and I’m no willing to give it anymore. I will carry on and love him from a distant in my heart and wish him the best in life ( still want him to win) but it will not be with me, we are not compatible. Feels like I’m being punished for being in love with him and wanting a bond and it’s sickening and exhausting! He can love strangers that can care less but can’t love those who truly love him!!!! I’ll continue to pray for his healing but now it’s time to rebuild myself back up.
OMG, I thought I was the only one second-guessing my usual secure nature, drifting toward anxious! Currently in no-contact, I have finally figured out the ex is a fearful-avoidant (this concept is relatively new to me), but not before I did a few things anxiously "wrong". I forgive myself now, and I even forgive him. He definitely gave me some signs of love, as he repeatedly returned to me. But now he's running away for the 'nth' time, possibly the last time. Truly not an easy guy to let go of. Despite all this pain, he was everything I dreamed of having in my life (probably why a lot of us endure this insane treatment). When he was "on", he was really "on". Then suddenly he's inexplicably gone again, and the timing can be unbelievable! Sound familiar? Until I figured all this out, I started to question my very appeal, and my confidence took a nose dive. Now? I'm moving on, getting my strong self back, and then some. No more anxiousness, even if he does come back. I'm learning. Thank you, Chris, for the enlightenment (in your other videos too).
Avoidant is basically.... avoiding themselves. We can love them and show them our feelings but they tend to avoid, not because we arent enough but because they avoid themselves from opening up. But I really really wish the Avoidant can love their partner in a right way ❤
I mirrored but eventually it’s too much.
My therapist said anxious heal more quickly, and most women give up.
It’s very challenging to know if they are they cheating or narcissistic. It’s an honest question.
It’s too painful and quite frankly I don’t bother anymore. I move on, painfully so. But I do move on.
I’m not their therapist and they are not mine. If they won’t do the work I need to go. I’ve wasted so much time believing that with love a patience they will get through this.
The thing is if they do…say after 7 years…you finally find out who they really are. There is a lot of anger/rage under that avoidance.