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Dealing With A Narcissist: Emotional Freedom in Action
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- Опубликовано: 7 авг 2024
- Author of EMOTIONAL FREEDOM,Dr. Orloff discusses Chapter 5 (Emotional Vampires) of her book--how to protect yourself from narcissists--people who are self-obsessed, lack empathy, and can suck your energy dry. Warning: don't fall in love with one. Learn more at www.drjudithorloff.com
If more Doctors would open their minds and teach like you do, we would have fewer sick people. It is one thing to listen and scribble on a note pad. It is another thing to give tools for change and understanding. God bless you dear lady. I am going to look for your book this week.
This hits home! I was involved with a narcissist for 3 1/2 years, whom I loved. Within 6 months of our relationship he became enraged with me if I didn't agree with him. The fury intensified over the next three years and the blame came my way, never once did he take responsibility for his behavior. I felt his lack of empathy and I finally realized that his past had a trail of destroyed realtionships and without ever accepting responsibility for his role, his future will be mired with more.
You are so right on!
They deploy so much energy to make people believe or give them the illusion that they are essential to this world. They may shine but they are not gold...
I'm dealiing with a narcissist husband right now and it's been hell...
Thank you
With narcisissits it's all about me...that's their signature.
An important part of healing is to learn a little bit more self compassion each day
I would be willing to bet that if a narcissist watched this she would start identifying other people as such and be blind to it in herself.
hands up on that!
brilliant simple description! I was involved with a narcissistic emotional vampire for over 2 years and it almost destroyed me. sure they can be good at many things, but true empathy was non-existent and consequently it was not really a 'relationship' just a constant obsessive look-at-me-competition. Being the person I am I thought I could understand and overcome these things, not changing them but learning to understand them... how wrong I was! thankfully all in the past :-)
I just spent 30 years of my life trying to make a Narcissist love me. I wish they had public service classes for every person going through high school on what to look out for before dating and getting serious with someone. It may not just save lives but the quality of their lives as well.
The blatant truth is very effective when dealing with those that think their narcissism is an entitlement.
I have met enough of those narcissists….men as well as women! Boy, your description is amazing! Thank you!
I ordered your book on amazon!
Sam's response really made me laugh. I have actually learnt quite a lot about narcissists from his videos. It was just a joke but narcissists don't have much of a sense of humor. I have become skilled at subtly pushing their buttons to the point of bemusement. I logically have to ask myself whether I have much empathy for narcissists and the answer is no I don't after what I have seen of their behavior. I refuse to let selfish manipulative cheats win. I am on a merciless cull.
Yes, Emotional Freedom is at bookstores and on amazon
Thank you so much, Judith! This is the most and absolutely to the point, clear and exact explanation !and advice I have ever read and heard up to this moment. Yes. I am blessing you. Namaste
I hear what your saying. It was me who didn't have strong enough boundaries. My self esteem was low when I first met my NPD , and a continued relationship with him further chipped away at it. The warning signs were there from the onset. My friends and family saw it and tried convincing me to get out. I thought it was love and refused to listen. I lived in denial, I made excuses and I accepted the disrespect. I have a lot of work ahead of me.
Judith, you hit it right on the head. Your video is a must-see for an individual who is involved with a narcissist. Narcissists are missing part of their brains - the empathy part. They have absolutely no way of understanding what others think. It's almost like an autistic trait. You can try all you want, but it can never be fixed. My wife and I helped a friend of ours leave a narcissistic wife. Nobody could stand being around her, yet she was completely oblivious to this. Amen.
I just ended a one-year internet "friendship" with a narcissist. As you describe, I was reeled in with more charm than I'd ever encountered - it was a dazzling 9 months of constant togetherness online before the narcissist became bored and began to pursue others and lied about it, I became upset, the narcissist felt exposed and blamed and began a 3-month, systematic destruction of the friendship.
Judith, well said, succinct, liberating. Thank you. Tomorrow will be a better day for this person because of your generous wisdom.
Great Video and information. Well needed. Many thanks
Thank you for uploading this video. You just described my boss. He has all the characteristics of a narcissist you mention. It is a relief for me to watch this because I was starting to doubt myself. Every time I have a conversation with him about my work I am left feeling that something is wrong with me and that I should really should see things like he does. Now I understand why.
You did help. Just convinced me that the past 4 yrs. I've tryed spending on making a life with this guy was all for nothing b/c he's never going to change. Thank you. I needed to hear this. God speed
True lack of empathy. A narcissist has a cripling of the heart.
This is the best video on this subject that I've ever viewed. Thank you so much!
true freedom! thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Thanks Judith. Thank you for helping me learn how to better deal with myself
Thank you Dr Orloff. This was tremendously helpful
I was married to a narcissist for 7 years. We started seeing a marriage counselor in our first year of marriage. She was also a psychologist. She diagnosed my husband as a narcissist. Soon after the diagnosis my husband refused to see her.
Without her consulting me alone, I may never have survived this marriage.
My husband and I saw other counselors together. It was fine, as long as I didn't say a word and agreed with everything.
I am so glad the drama is over.
100% correct...if you haven't experienced a true narcissist, then you will just look at this as far fetched, but when you have been lied to, manipulated, and hurt by someone who has no remorse, you will understand. Disagree with them on any level, and you are done. My daughter lives with me full-time, I always hoped her mother, who is a narcissist, would not treat her kids the same way she treated others...I was wrong, they are destroyers!
Very, very helpful. Thank you, Dr Orloff, for these quick and easy tips. Wish I'd found this clip 4 yrs ago........
I enjoyed this clip as I have spent many years researching these fields. I like the way you simplify the narcissist. Also enjoyed your other clip on empathic well being..Many thanks :)
Great! I will put your book in my library.
thank-you for sharing.I appreciate your efforts
Wow so similar!!! The jealousy over the kids. He says I mollycoddle them. He gives subversive comments to them behind my back. I asked why he wanted kids and he said it was to occupy me! We are divorced and I have carefully managed to avoid him having the kids but he is wanting to show what a great dad he is. It is a show. Yet he is also like a sad lost little boy lonely with no ability to find true happiness. Dammit I still love the heartless monster - the lost soul who still hugs me ;-(
Wow 😮 this was extremely spot on
Even if a narcissist wants help it takes years of effort in therapy with small progress. The problem is they lack empathy--it is hard to understand that if you have deep empathy yourself. Narcissists aren't just egotist--they have a crippling of the heart.
This video was very informative! I've found one of my best friends to be displaying more and more narcissistic traits the older he gets, and the past several months it's been absolutely unbearable. Lately I've been limiting my contact with him, and very soon I plan to just cut off all contact without notice. Narcissists crave attention, be it negative or positive, and I've found that confronting my friend about this only ends in verbal and emotional abuse from him.
Good video. The attitude you have described is exactly what my friend is.
I had no choice but to cut ties. It is too stressful to handle her, or even be her friend.
Thank you! I needed that information. We have one in the family and this will help us know how to cope.
Dr. Judith is an expert on Narcissism. Her article in Psych Today described my Narc "friend" to the exact Tee. I don't trust some with the "DR" license, but this woman knows her Narc stuff very well. Wish I bought her book 20 years ago (if it was out then). My life would have been much better.
Yes indeedy! They can suck you dry! Thanks for sharing the word on these types.
my friend is a narcissist, well not really friend but I carpool with him to the skatepark if its a last resort, but hes always thinking hes better at everything and just being around him puts you in a generally bad mood, but proving him wrong to the point he realizes hes wrong is the best thing in the world, his reactions are priceless
The book was very good but let me say this, if you are a child of a narcissist or was married to one or living with one the chances are you are going to need psychiatric help to get away from them. A narcissist is a lost cause and in some cases can be extremely dangerous. My mother was a narcissist and extremely toxic. I recovered only after I went for intensive psychiatric help and only after I went NO CONTACT and I mean NO CONTACT with this woman. The treatment plan was never to get her into therapy and to go no contact because she was that toxic. I am free of the narcissist for five years now and the quality of my life is a thousand times better.
......you just described my father, he fits all the criterion :) thank you for all the work you do, I´m sure it´s helpful for many people :))
this is so true, you have to had known an actual narcissist to know that what she is saying is real, they are very difficult people to work with and are really emotionally draining, thank you for your video.
There are SO many of them!
I have just recently discovered that my "problem" is being an empath. wish I had known this info years ago and how narcs pray on "my kind". now I'm 10 yrs deep into a marriage with a NPD/BPD co-morbid and it's not anything like Disneyland.
I hear u, deeply. Empath and narcissist can form a surprisingly stable, tragic relationship, I wish I'd heard about it 30 years ago. I wonder if it's the same as trauma bonding?
Wonderful. I am honored.
I had a narcissistic home room teacher my senior year, I was never gladder to graduate and get out of her class. She was also really mean.
@ChadzTalk I'm not a psychologist, but the fact that you're still in high school, and you're even now considering how your behavior affects your girlfriend and family, tells me that you're not a narcissist! Don't stress, but keep going down the road of self improvement without stressing about it!...cheers
love your clarity
I love all of your videos. thanks you so much for sharing them with us
You give a narcissist the least bit of control and they take it to the sky. This is especially true when it comes to narcissists being authority figures or bosses. Their every thought and actions are justified by distored logic and reasoning. Their thoughts and oppinions rarely merrit the truth, and telling them so will only end up in a pointless argument. Just speak to these people when you have to and close them off from your personal world. That is the BEST boundary you can set.
This was extremely helpful. I have a narcissist 14 year old sister who displays every symptom mentioned. I'm 18 and am about to go into the military, and just want to have a good quality, meaningful relationship with her but am struggling because I am the opposite. I am more prying and tend to be the type of person who gets the narcissist flinging personal attacks at you in less than 10 minutes
I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother and siblings. My late father when he was alive he was the enabler. He never fought for me against my narc mother. My youngest sister is the golden child who proudly wears that label. 13 or 14 years ago my sisters have cut themselves from my life which really is a blessing in disguise. My narc mother along with my enabling siblings including the golden child have excluded me out of family and holiday events which for a while had hurt me deeply but eventually accepted it and moved on. For 5 months I have gone no contact with my narcissistic mother and it was the best decision that I ever made. I even wrote her a letter to her when I broke things off with her. Writing her that letter I knew that I had a better chance of getting my points across to her rather than in person. I get flashbacks from time to time but overall I'm a lot smarter and stronger as I recover from the narcissistic abuse that I was subjected to. I even have my own You Tube channel so that I can not just share my story but to expose my narcissistic family for who they are.
When I went no contact I felt destroyed at that time. Plus I was struggling to understand and recover. However as time went by I went through therapy, journaling, prayer, sharing my story on RUclips, & now I'm helping others in recovering. I have been making steps in making myself a happier and healthier person. And my confidence is getting better and stronger. I even learned how to be that mother that I never had and healed the wounded inner child within me. I have also developed a tough skin so a narcissist of any kind can never hurt nor break me.
+Mary Allen wow! sorry to hear of this horrible situation! congratulations on being strong and brave enough to rid yourself of your toxic family. gives me more strength to continue to keep away from my x narc bf....xoxo
I'm dealing with a narcissistic dad. My parents divorced forever ago and he doesn't live near me and hasn't for over 20 years. After his response to me following an unrelated traumatic experience, I limited contact as much as I possibly could. I couldn't handle his criticism on top of everything else. I don't know if I could ever cut him out completely though. At this point, I've accepted that he won't change, that I will never please him, that that's his problem, not mine, and that he'll probably never "get" that. My therapist wants me to communicate my feelings to him (he's coming to visit), not because it will make a difference, but because I have the right to do so. I have a family friend who cut her mother completely out of her life for similar behavior. She's known me for almost my entire life and has never even mentioned her mother to me. I finally asked my mom why that was and she explained it to me.
Finally a video where they actually get it.
Narsies are SO draining and it gets difficult at times trying to stroke their egos so that you can find a way of relating to them so they get iteverybody say oiy vey!!!oh and questiondoes a narsie have a conscience??? Thanks so much J for your work and willingness to share your insight...it is more helpful than you will ever know!!!
"Emotional vampire" is the BEST description of a narcissist.
I'm recently breaking away from one of these...I've been with him for over 7 years now and it's been the most unbearable 7 years of my life. I have been made to think that it's all been my fault, that everything that he does is my fault. I started pushing for us to go to marriage counseling and it was then the big fights begin...he's manipulative, abusive, controlling, feels sorry for no1 but himself, always the victim...when he knows he's messed up,he brings me things or wants to buy me
I'm familiar with several people who have narcissism problems. Making up for a lack of self achievement seems to be common especially if they once had the convenience of feeling they were special in an environment where they didn't learn the need to consider others. As they grow older the entitlement they always assumed they had is not forthcoming in the world. A grandiose fantasy of self importance is acted out in a kind of pantomime where others are just props for the nurturing of their ego.
My dad is one of the biggest ones! Still breaking my heart and doesn't have a clue. Not talking is sad and talking is sad. Such a bummer.
Ty. My mother was one, and I've spent most of my adult life checking myself constantly to make sure that I never use the tactics she did, which is tricky, because even "normally" functioning humans can be stroppy sometimes lol. You're right though - the only thing we can change is ourselves, and if you get a sniff that you're dealing with a narc, turn round and walk away. Sam Vaknin is an expert on them, because he's a full blown narc himself - he has loads of vids on here if you're interested.
Oh yeah, this makes sense to me. Going to check out Dr, Orloff's two books right now . . .
Great Information Judith. As always, I respect and love what you do and support your work. I wish I had know you / @OMTimes / @Humanityhealing a few years earlier in my own life, as it would have helped with my own understanding - but life unfolds as it is meant too. Much Love & Light to you and yours. dZ
Thank you for the video
@iirmo great question. There are some people close to a narcissist, who observe how powerfully the narcissist affects (& manipulates) others. Some people get sucked in, want that same charisma, power, pull on people. So they start "learning" from the nar. & try to emulate certain things they admire. Sometimes they also copy the ugly things too. It's quite disgusting, but easily avoidable. Just choose not to be like that! Be aware of your actions, and care about others, etc.
I am finally separating and getting away from my narcissistic husband of 7 years. I want to be kind and loving to this person because they are finally having a breaking down (since I have set boundaries and become stronger), but it is so hard because they do drain u and suck u dry. Plus this one involved abuse and daily belittling. Anyhow it helps to read the comments and watch things like this...so thank u all.
I wish I found this five months ago. It would've saved me so many tears.
Narcissim is a character disorder and there is NO CURE.
Thanks, very interesting, I'm hooked.
how independant/dissociated you are is a cover up for how dependent/needy you feel. We act independent so as never to be hurt that much again... when rocks open up great wellsprings of emotion burst forth! A rock may open up typically seven times through their life before giving up on themselves. Underneath rocks just want to be loved! ...and we can do this by moving towards them and valuing them with integrity.
Derek, thanks, this is exactly what I'm going through and 3 others on the job.
My ex was a narcissist; she wouldn't even acknowledge me when I spoke. The only real solution in the end was to dump her, and find somebody who knows what empathy is. Feels good man.
Thank you so much for this information...being and highly senstive empath, my life has been challenging to say the least, and after all these years I am just coming to grips with how life/ people have been effecting me. I can see that I have been surrounded by narcisist my whole life ( my mother, ex husband, some friends...kids although there I put my foot down! lol) But yeah... what has been, has been but now its time to get control of myself. I really APPRECIATE your help :) Thank you *XXX*
I was a narcissist for a long time, and I decided to change and did it from in a few weeks. Its really easy if you want to change because you don't have to learn anything new you just have to let go of bad habits.
@musics4Rsoul - you are so right. I am the opposite of my ex. We were both insecure (hell, who isn't to some degree?) but when I tried to write down a list of what we had in common I got stuck before I started! Everything I loved he hated and sabotaged for me, everything he wanted though I supported because I knew what it was like to want and not be able to have. His world was THE world, my world was mutated into a veneer to beautify his world. I'm still scarred and unhealed :-(
Ns have been some the Best Teachers in my life. Because of their enticements into and my eventual escape from their Hell, I am deeply grateful for Geninue Love and a Heaven on Earth.
@notdeceived Thank you for giving time,I already talked about this to my kids and i am distressed and sad that i feel its too late for this,I feel this is the worst sickness of all because its really impossible to state my point to them,I really appreciate your time given to me but i will never give up on talking to them,thank you for your advice,God Bless
my brother is the spitting image of this.
and has tortured me my entire life.
from my experience..
i would also note..
hurting animals..or an obsession with commanding animals..
anything they can manipulate is practice for them.
another major factor in my experience is the disloyalty
no matter how much you've shared with them,
if u disagree with them, or stand your ground..
all of your shared experiences are forgotten
and they will not think twice about hurting or manipulating you
Nobody, I mean nobody, answers people in u-tube comments, apparently, except yourself. I became aware of your work years ago through KPFK. I live in L.A. so I was able to go to the Bodhi Tree to read your book when it came out. I am an empath, and when I try to explain that to most people they accuse me of being "overly sensitive". I have lived in the Hollywood ghetto for many years (I receive disability - "social anxiety disorder") and I wake up screaming. Thanks for your work.
Thanks to you I am going well again. I've spent two years in the dark life. Thank you.
Thank you so very much!
~~peace to you
@drummer4hire12 aw thanks for the comment :) I went to my first rave this weekend and really felt love for the first time. It was awesome, and now I just feel more confident within myself that I know love exists and it's everywhere. Just have to be careful to steer clear of the quicksand...
He was able to adapt. His whole life was about want he wanted and he was going to get it any way he could. I was so grateful that I went thru 3 yrs with him as a much older adult. I was too young as a teen to really understand what was going on. I was able to have peace because I finally able to identify what was happening. I can't possibly want something that doesn't exist. He was not capable of loving me. When they have $ it can get real obvious b/c they r able to do anything they want.
Thank you for making these videos. I just left a narcissist who was also bipolar. We were together 3 years before I realized I couldn't make the situation any better. I wrote a song about the experience- link here; don't remember me It helped to heal me. maybe it will do the same for somebody else :)
thanks Judith
My sister is a narcissist, this I am convinced. I have spent my entire life feeling like we are in competition. She is always talking about herself and putting other people down. She always is the one in the room who has to draw attention to herself. She deleted me from her Facebook because I didn't like how she downplayed my graduation in order to try and maker herself appear smarter. I wish she would get help. You can't tell her she's wrong because that is not possible in her eyes.
It is horrible being in love with or close to a narcissist who is blinded by there own ego. They Do NOT change. One of my true loves / best friends was one. We were never officially togetger but she out me through the agony of all my other past relationships put together. Such a shame.
I had to banish her out of my life.
It took every scrap of strength i had... i was only 21 .. she was 32. . But i came out on top. Proud of that. If this helps anyone... i feel for you... it can be done. Peace.
$ sprung to my mind too. yeah, we should try harder.
but we should also try to have some compassion for
ourselves.
With God all things are possible. Narcissist can change, but they have to want to change, and generally that will require a painful experience. I think this is a great video, because if we know about this problem, we can avoid giving a narcissist positive, or negative reinforcement .
Trouble is I am finding it difficult to tell the difference between NPD and Aspergers!! One has far worse motives yet is just as much a sad and sorry illness. I feel I am turning my back on a really disabled child who is hard work, rude, selfish but in pain and frightened. .. the husband I divorced but the husband I am still married to because he still needs to know I care even if it is from a distance. He needs it and I can't stop wanting to help him to feel real happiness. Divorce helped tho.
What I am saying here is that we often project our own disdain for ourselves (self-loathing) onto someone we perceive as superior-- this reveals our own deep-seeded insecurities which are the basis for such a disorder of spirit.
The individuals that I've suspected of malignant narcissism seem very adept at directing attention and blame away from themselves and onto a scapegoat. They demand a public image of admiration and coolness, yet are masters of imperfection in others.
So very extremely true.
Yep and what is worse is that I have to keep in contact with him even though he left and if I don't keep things friendly he says he wants the kids there to stay..so if we row I have to quickly repair it so that he will leave the kids alone because my solicitor said the courts would never turn down his application for having them to stay..even when I told her the most horrific of his dealings with them she said he would have to be even worse for a court to refuse! Trapped.
this just came to mind. identifying
ourselves as "narcissists" is just
another facade. it may describe
our behavior at times but it's not
who we essentially are.
take it or leave it. : )
I have a parent who suffers from NPD and have dated several men with military backgrounds (my parent is military too) who are NPD, I think the military can bring this out in certain people...best thing to do is to set boundaries and preserve your sanity and feelings....
wow. I divorced an npd man... been very happy ever since ..
someone else made a good point~ narcissists go from loving & needing you, to de-valuing you if you don't feed them the praise or admiration they desire. They can be amazingly fun, witty, intelligent, charming, and popular. But they're a vortex, because everything ALWAYS has to be about them! It's comically ridiculous. I hate the fact that they don't give a shit about what other people think/experience. You can watch the light drain from their eyes when the attention isn't all on them.
@LoonaLuna20 - I think it's great that you can honestly and openly admit that you have this problem. No shame in recognition. Kudos !
@Clariccy Hi , Thank you i will try to make some more research on this,this is a very good advice,,,Its really hard to take this Journey by my own but with Gods Help and people like you makes it a little easier with all the knowledge and experience you have,,,I know i will overcome,,,Thank you so much for the time you give i really appreciate it,,God Blesss
I think I definitely "found" my narcissist boss in order to resolve something in myself. I was already someone who had co-dependency issues with my mom (and others), and my mom had died just a few months before I got the "job from hell." I had met the boss a few weeks prior to her hiring me, and I'd already seen warning signs of her behavior (and rationalized my way around that). Yes, I wasn't completely blindsided; I just had no idea how bad it could get.
Great video. Oh, what's that music. I heard it before, but nto sure the name. You've been a great help XD
It's all for the show. He gets others to see how charitable and kind he is and no one will ever believe YOU when you tell the truth. He will have all kinds of people who will be witness to his kindness and YOU will be the one who is thought of a CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!!!!! Better get it on camera........ or maybe it is too late.