The Art of Difficult Conversations, Sara Ness
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- Опубликовано: 26 июн 2024
- How can we relate authentically in a world that's tearing itself apart? What skills do we need to truly understand perspectives that differ from our own, and in turn, how can we invite people to consider other ways of thinking?
In this conversation with authentic relating superstar Sara Ness we go from the personal to the cultural, asking how do we have a different kind of conversation; one that isn't about winning, but about authentic connection that takes us somewhere new.
We are launching a course with Sara starting on 5 April called 'The Art of Difficult Conversations', where we’ll give you tools to help you resolve some of the biggest communication questions of our time. For example:
“How do I even start talking about my perspectives and ideas?”
“Why does every conversation I have about current affairs turn into a fight?”
“How can I relate with people who don’t make sense to me, and don't want to hear me out?”
Check out more details on the course here: rebelwisdom.co.uk/courses/con...
love how she talks about 'status' power plays in terms of using calm language and mannerisms in order to try to swing the conversation in a desired direction. NVC, for example, often strikes me this way- a method to try to manipulate an outcome. can of course be a valuable skill, but in the wrong hands, just another covert power play that i find, in fact, more threatening than someone shouting at me and being honest.
Yeah good point. I think when a 'framework' gets popular to some extent, like NVC or Mindfulness, it's almost inevitable that it will be used covertly in a manner antithetical to its original purpose by some people. The 'Frameworks' are put on a pedestal (the 'how-to', the step-by-step guide) , but it should be the processes, the embodied elements that need to be emphasised.
The Consilience Project's recent article on the endgames of bad faith communication has an excellent breakdown of the signs of good faith or bad faith communication acknowledging that "all signs of good faith communications can be faked in bad faith". The primary character of bad faith being that it intends to achieve behavior outcomes irrespective of mutual understanding, while good faith seeks to achieve mutual understanding and coordinated action.
@@thinkseedo thank you for the heads up. Ironically, I was listening to an interview with Daniel S today and realizing what I wrote here really isn't good faith. In truth I have an axe to grind with ' those people' that comes involves my own perceived impotence in having a good faith convo with nvc people 'in the moment.' I feel a tiredness around meeting my growth edge and i can feel info saturation has added to that. What you are mentioning feels like a worthy skill to develop ( and is attractive to me bc it's not merely a cognitive jump to develop, but a maturation of the heart as well.) Thanks for inviting the uplevel, perhaps inadvertently
I find having no friends or family really helps in this regard.
Doo we actually remember a time when we used to just have conversations and we literally did not have to over think ? It did exist . Very informative. Thankyou .
I would have titled this talk. "How to Prepare for Difficult Conversations". Art is something one has to demonstrate.
I joined the course before this conversation and watching this, I'm so happy I did.
Love this. So needed.
I try to keep it simple. No talking sex, religion, politics or medical issues, unless they are a trusted and long-time friend.
Even then, it can be treacherous. It's as if no nuance is allowed.
So weather and what you had for breakfast are safe. 🤣
@@marcagray Pretty much!!!
I avoid thinking in political or ideology claptrap. I prefer simple discussions with aquaintances. There is simply nothing I can do to "save the world" or make anything better for anyone else, unless it's donating to a known charity and hope it is going to someone who needs it. Donating to a local food shelf, or Habitat for Humanity, addiction and crisis center, etc. Humanitarian relief at the local level is an important move.
The ‘Cultural immune system” concept is fascinating and pragmatic!
This particular barrier is something at the forefront of my mind when talking about divisive topics such as masculine & feminine dynamics during therapeutic sessions with clients - although I didn’t have a practical phrase for what I was noticing. Each word has so many different unseen beliefs and experiences depending on whoever you’re talking to and how they developed. It can make it feel difficult to say anything accurately, but this concept of ‘cultural immune system’ is something I’m going to remember.
Your conversations always cause me to think. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Love and blessings.
Yes, one conversation likely isn't going to magically change things. Patience required. I've tried a few times before and been met with denial, so I'm now at the point of 'cruel to be kind', in terms of setting strict boundaries and terms of engagement, if we are to go forward. Very aware that I'm not going to be able to take back what I would say, and that it will cause shock and possibly upset, but nevertheless very necessary. Spent far too long stifling my own truth and sacrificing my own happiness to spare others' feelings and meet their needs over my own... And I think it will be all the more devastating precisely because I've never stood up for myself before.
10:44 - *"All truths are equally valid but some are more valuable than others."* WTF? Truth is truth, and there can only be one: either something is or it isn't. Most people will settle on some version of something and believe it and call it true, whereas others put far more effort into peeling away that which cannot be true (usually by evidence or some other tangible metric). It's the fact the number of first type of person vastly outnumber the second is what makes our society so easily led astray by those who wish to use their power to deceive us so that they can amass even more power.
Thanks for sharing Sarah. I really appreciated you and your wisdom. I think your work is really at the edge of relational wisdom. Your model and map was quite unique layered and powerful.
how do we Prioritize, What are Indeed, our Need's first, then our Wants OR more importantly, Goals that can hopefully, be rescued as a Team, of the desires as soon as their Bedrock can be formed to the actual Needs of the total sum of Actual "Wants" to be proper and in Harmoney for the Group to hopefully flourish in as short of a period as required to create a better society. I hope the use of Similiar terms Likend to the actual thing nowadays between Woke n Wake of a Sea that is constantly changing OR it simply Stagnates and Breaks Down into a Cesspool, on many occasions when peoples freedoms are involved.Thank you.
My immediate thought was “I knew this woman”. Then I realized she looked very similar to a high school friends older sister. I then further realized her hair is how Farrah Faucet wore it in that famous poster in my youth...the mind is a very mysterious place indeed.
This is where Burning Man is so effective because its an open culture. Their 10 principles are the bomb. Combing that with the four agreements and this is where people go through conflict and a very effective resolution and back to Love. A million or so people have experienced that, real face to face non violent communication for a week or more. There are people like that out there, find them!
Sara Ness is loved like a milkshake.
Everyone has an opinion in the midst of Truth.
But what if both sides in the discussion are clueless? Starting with the assumption that everyone has something valuable to offer is a Green perspective in Spiral Dynamics - "Everyone has their truth and it's all valid and good". It's better to question your own beliefs than to share beliefs.
I like jive with that.
"Cultural antibodies"; I like that.
Beau Travail Teacher Sara!
12:30 Now we're cooing with gas. Balancing investment and intensity is crucial to moving the rock more than barely enough to release the steam pressure, which is what most proactively groomed conflict-avoiders are fundamentally all about.
Just a clarification, she may have felt her father was hard headed, but by the description almost certainly not a narcissist.
We have gotten way to loose with diagnosing people in our lives as narcissists, sociopaths, etc. RUclips might be one of the reasons for it.
Learning about being a better human, and just maybe moving the species above current flaws that are moving us towards a bad place. So learning something about that makes you an expert, or a specialist or wise and knowledgeable. Mmmmm, I guess? Or are folks just elevating their societal status. If so I think we don't have time to be sidetracked by that kind of activity. Placing corporations into this conversation in this way is a good thing. But. I dunno I think we are screwed.
very interesting guest. One criticism of the video I have though is that David you don't appear to be responding to anything she says. You ask questions that keep her talking but that's about it. Maybe it's the editing but ironically this doesn't feel like a conversation. It feels like she could have been talking to anyone and David's questions were edited in after the fact.
David has his promotional hat on. One goal here is to entice people to sign up for the class offering. But another goal here is to get the right kinds of people to sign up for this, by giving people a fairly broad sense of the approach and environment (far more than any slick brochure). Viewed from that lens, they did a pretty good job here.
For me, the inauthenticity of the supposed "conversation" totally negated any interest I may have developed for a course on the topic.
If you have a song stuck in your head to try listening to classical music for a while usually that helps get it out
Other than that the word truth has little to do with the traditional meaning I feel
Where does the craft of ubiquitous digital surveillance fit into "The art of difficult conversations"?
Simply put, it eases the difficulty of having conversations, by denaturing the form itself.
@@abbasalchemist and simply not an ounce of nuance left out?
When I hear transformative I'm getting an allergic reaction lol
I think she makes a lot more sense than most of the sensemaking gurus featured on the RW channel.
@@shellyshelly9218 is that you shelly? I miss making sense on what's on our dinner plates 😂. If it's not this shelly, nevermind. Good day to you
She definitely lost me when she said " is it kind " as her first priority. I get the what is true. The second, what is necessary;.well then necessary measured against what?
This whole scene of her's is just too ill defined and could then be anything or nothing.
This is honestly too vague for me to use in my life. Maybe if I take the course then that would be more practical?
A comment about video form: not a fan of the 2-1/2 minute previews. I try to skip them every time, but it’s messy. It really turns me off from your videos, that’s how much I dislike it.
In general I don’t like any preview - I also don’t like it went articles just clip a sentence or two from the article body and give it to me at the beginning instead of giving a separate summary. Personally, I find it really annoying when I come across the clips later in the video.
I’m not gonna lie, I fell asleep on this one
Does “authentic relating” require a potty-mouth?