He was banking on the idea that having the nurse call would be the silver bullet through the kid's boundaries. He totally has the power to reach out with love and try to mend things, but instead he took out his frustration on a nurse he is lucky to have.
I sincerely doubt the patient assumes she “did it wrong.” Human emotions are more complex than that. This dying man could be lying there with decades of regrets racing through his head. He lashed out at her because she was there. She was his last shot. He’s just angry, and only he knows fully why, but this nurse is not the cause of it.
Thank you for not guilt tripping family. I love that you said, “I don’t know how this person was for the first 80 years of their life,” allowing for the possibility that individuals change, but not assuming that change has occurred.
Actually, the dying person getting mad and asking her to leave because she wouldn't "force" the family member to come pretty much sums up who this person actually is. 🤔
@@abbykoop5363not necessarily… a lot of people are probably not that composed when dying and facing potentially a life full of regrets and the fact that their own kids won’t see them. But I do tend to believe if your kids won’t talk to you, you royally f*cked up.
Not really, she rather assumed that even if they did change, they may have been awful people before and the kids don’t want to have anything to do with them because of that
As a no contact guy with a lot of his family I thank you for your sensitivity. No contact is not for fun it’s for survival and self preservation. Thank you for being so understanding.
Spot on with survival and self preservation!! Your comment is very accurate. It’s not fun at all. Extremely brutal emotionally. For me the freedom is worth the discomfort.
Yes!! I've seen comment sections on social media with hundreds of parents claiming that their kids decided to cut them off for no good reason. The lack of self awareness is really sad. My dad was severely neglectful to the point where I didn't have food or hygiene items, but he would tell you that he has no clue why we don't talk.
😂 there’s multiple people in your family that want you dead? And would actively seek that out? No your just a victim. A crybaby who likes feeling down and looking for sympathy. Cause it tickles your brain in a way no other emotion does.
@@cam2023x same here. I see In sensitive comments on social media too, judging children who are no contact. People need to respect other's decisions on this, they have no idea what the child went through, and no contact is usually for good reasons.
SO "SENSITIVE" she plasters someone else's private business all over the damn internet for clicks and views? Would you be OK with YOUR nurse putting your private family business on blast for attention and monetary gain like this?
You handled the situation perfectly. It's up to the son at this point if he needs any further closure. They can both change their minds as far as reaching out, last words etc. Now they both know the situation. The patient took out his rejection on you. Keep up the extraordinary job you do with all your patience. ❤🙏
Agreed. There is nothing else you can do. You have been polite, diplomatic, and accommodating. This is beyond you. Keep up the good work, Ms.Hospice Nurse!
I agree. You did the right thing. As someone who went no contact because of a narcissistic toxic mother, I can foresee that she will do the same when her time comes. They say that people become more of what they really are when they’re dying. So the fact that your patient yelled at YOU when he/she didn’t get their way screams narcissist to me. It’s not you Hadley. It’s your patient’s own issue. You are a good person for trying. You are earning your Angel’s wings!!
Those were the exact words I was going to say. I guess I have some faith that, however, that situation went, whether the offspring connected with the dad at the end or not, it was the right thing for each of them even if it meant pain now or later.
Idunno. We still do not know though, separate knowing, I err on the side of the adult child, dunno what they went through. But I can’t imagine the emotions of someone about to pass, taking whatever horrific feelings and decades of regret or anger or unresolved brokenness with them…that’s not peace. Not saying a thing about fault or whatever whomever deserves…regardless, I could see someone having a variety of responses to that, whether they are an indication of what they were like or not.
@@ec9833don't forget that the patient said "you should have told him that he had to come"... indicating that the parent was demanding and not just sad about the outcome. Plus that patient could have said "I want to be alone right now" instead of "get out"
As someone who went no contact with my family members (painfully, one by one as i tried to exhaust every other option...), thank you for sharing this. I carry a lot of burden and grief from going no contact... I'm constantly wondering if i did the right thing. My family raised me on shame and guilt, and it still trickles in when I'm going through a rough patch... but then i have to remind myself that my husband and daughter dont deserve to go through what I did.
I'm sure you have done the right thing; tried your best and gone no contact as only the last resort. You deserve happiness. I hope you healing and a wonderful and happy life with your husband and daughter ❤️
All you can do is say the Forgiveness Prayer multiple times a day, and release them with love. Holding grudges is what causes a ball of dark energy inside your Spiritual Body (visible to intuitives) that manifests as tumors, diseases, and cancers in the physical body. Which is probably why the guy is in fhe hospice. Hence not releasing it is kinda stupid. Forgiving them is for you, not them.
I’ve worked in the field of psychology for over 30yrs, as well as gone NC and LC with family members. Rest assured you did the right thing. The older narcissists in my life never got better with time, just older, less energetic to attack, but still toxic mental games for those who stayed in their lives. You saved yourself and your children from caring on the legacy of toxicity
I have been no contact for a while. I want to thank you for starting with “I don’t know how this person was like during the first part of their life” because so many caregivers want to judge that the children don’t visit sweet old mom/dad/ect but fail to realize that person used to abuse , neglect, and be a nasty person to his/her family and that’s why they want nothing to do with them. You know them as the scared old person that doesn’t want to die alone. I knew them as the person that made me want to dye alone.
Not necessarily, that alone can be common with elderly people who are nearing end of life if they have dementia specifically-they can be frustrated easily and have drastic personality shifts. That said, the child likely has a good reason for no contact. I just don’t think the personality shift in an elderly hospice patient who is dying and reconciling with never seeing their child again before their death is the indicator. Going no contact is.
The fact that he told you that you SHOULD have told the son that he HAD to come and then told you to get out when he didn't get what he wanted tells me all I need to know. You did a great job. Bless you!
You handled the situation perfectly. You have no knowledge of their history. You are a great nurse. Person affair between them after all is personal. He was def in the wrong to tell you to get out.
I was one of those limited contact “kids”. My dad was the one who made no effort to maintain contact. I received a call from ICO 2500 miles away telling me my dad was brain dead after 23 minutes of CPR. I had to authorize turning off life support as next of kin. Bonus: I had to handle his estate where there was no will and I had to figure out what assets he had because I had no idea about his finances. I hadn’t talk to him in 10 years and he was absent in my life until he had a granddaughter. Then he stopped contact when the kid graduated high school. The nurses were awesome when I asked questions before giving approval to turn off life support and figure out what to do next.
Sorry but you didn't "have" to do anything. The courts would have handled it just fine. Just because some dead person named you on some piece of paper doesn't mean you're legally obligated to fulfill the role.
@@Zhaliberty yes. yes it literally does mean that. if you don't sort out your dead relative's affairs when no one else is around to do it, it won't get done. my mother died and I had to see what the process of that was like. it absolutely just gets pushed onto the next closest family member whether they like it or not. only days after my mother died and still in deep grief my father had to do all the paperwork and make many phone calls.
@@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3 I'm trying to say you can walk away and move on with your life as it sits in the court system. and sure somebody else can step i[ but what does it matter to you. You have no obligation whatsoever. UNLESS you want something.
@@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3 No. You are not legally obligated to deal with the death of a family member, especially financially. In your story, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother, it sounds like it was an active choice. If it gets pushed onto another family member, they make an active choice if they want to take that on also. You always have a choice.
I’m an affair child. I only ever saw my bio father in public only to be ignored! I only talked to him privately a few times, all he ever said was how I ruined his life and other crappy things. A year ago I got a call that he had cancer and was dying. I was told he wanted to speak to me. I said no thank you and hung up. Two of my half brothers confronted me about it and tried to guilt trip me. I explained I don’t know him and the few times we spoke it was not pleasant. My attorney received a letter from him after he passed. I told him to read it and if it wasn’t bad I’ll read it. Needless to say I never read the letter, my attorney shredded it. You never know why someone is no contact, respect people’s decisions!
Love the fact that you cock blocked the abuse after the narc was dead by having someone else read that letter!!! Narcs LOVE to pull this "final letter" shit where they will shit all over you after they are dead and there is nothing you can do. I've got a similar cock block in place with my narc abuser...all letters read by someone else and only if they aren't bad or insulting will I read them. No one gets to abuse me as an adult!
The biggest mistake in judging a character is assuming because they were nice to you, they are nice to others too. People can be cruel, behind closed doors.
@@htpkey Exactly. My older sister cut out our father after listening into our conversations and hearing how he treats me when he thinks no one can see. Then she convince me to do the same. Best decision ever! I look and feel 10 years younger.
When my parents call I can tell when someone else enters the room because their voice changes SO MUCH. The tone, the words they use, the pitch, the sarcasm. It's wild how they would be embarrassed to be caught speaking like that, but no issues speaking to me like that when no one else is watching.
This is a good reminder to everyone to be kind in life. To everyone. Not just your kids. One day you will die. And how you treat people while you’re living will dictate if you’re surrounded with loved ones or alone when your time comes. Always be kind.
I’m so sorry. My husband is in hospice and we would never ask our nurse to do something like that. He never should have expected you to do that. The fact that you are nice enough to try, says everything about you❣️🙏🏻 You’re a wonderful nurse. I really appreciate what you do, I know it’s not an easy job. 🙏🏻💖💕
Facts. It’s easy to seem nice when you’re “old man flirting” with a pretty nurse. Or when the people around you don’t owe you, in your opinion, for giving them life. Some parents just think they own their kids.
@@BeeWhistler let's be honest, she's paid to wait on him and attend to his needs. A toxic and self entitled person is going to love having a caregiver. It's equals that they struggle having a relationship with.
I went no contact at about age 25. I'm 53 now. Best thing I ever did, shouldn't have waited so long. Some people just don't make good parents because they're just not good people. It is freeing, I agree.
Yep totally agree it’s the hardest things I’ve done ever and at first I thought I was wrong for doing it but after some time it’s the best decision I have ever done in my life
Your reasons are valid. As a no contact child, I've met my fair share of noisy people trying to make me feel bad for cutting them out... then I tell them all she did to me, and they feel so bad. If only some people learned to mind their own business 🤷🏼♀️
As a no-contact kid, I appreciate how you handled this with my whole heart. It is so painful having to establish these types of boundaries with parents and soooo many people put pressure and guilt us for our decision, which is usually something we chose as a last resort to protect ourselves. It's a terrible situation for everyone involved. Thank you for respecting your patient and their children at the same time. ❤
As a no contact child, thank you. You still respected the wishes of the patient and asked, but also respected the wishes of the child when they said no. You did the right thing both ways.
I am sorry things in your life created a no contact situation. I hope this nurse, & those in the comments see your message. As much as people want to help, we can quickly find out we caused pain instead of helping.
I'm sure all you lovely people will be polite and sweet as can be when you're on your death bed. I mean what kind of person would be emotional or cranky while they're dying...selfish right
No one goes no-contact because of childish reasons, especially not for over a decade, and especially not if their family member is dying. You did the right thing by not making that person feel guilty, because I’m sure they feel plenty bad themselves.
You absolutely handled this right. Your patient is lucky you even called his son since it is not your responsibility to mend their broken relationship!
Good grief. Probably more like He’s dying and feels the need to lay his eyes on his child one last time. He probably feels desperate to see him. Have some compassion.
@@CH-kr2dfmaybe he should've thought about how much his son means to him before he saw death next door. I'm not saying the father is for sure the toxic one here but based on limited information.... Not many of us are lucky enough to even have an opportunity for "goodbye" or closure before death. I'll never understand those who don't realise this and think they can outsmart death. If you love someone and see it possible, make things right as soon as possible. Don't wait to cop out minutes before death comes...
No one chooses to go no-contact with a parent for no reason. I’m proud of the son for sticking to his boundaries and knowing what was right for him. I’m sorry you had to be the middle man!
As a person who is no contact with their mother and has no plans to ever be again, thank you for not using guilt. We got enough of that while they were healthy. Dying doesn't override what they did in life.
I agree, she did the correct thing. She told the child who is now an adult. The child made up their mind. The nurses job ends there. Great job. May the patient RIP when their time comes.❤
@@Crystalclear0parents can earn or lose respect, just like anyone else. Granting it when they have not earned it is one cause of needless emotional damage in this culture.
@@Crystalclear0 "cruel" is an interesting word choice. As this nurse said, she doesn't know what happened the first 80 years of the patient's life. Maybe he was cruel to his children. Putting your morals on another person's life doesn't work out too well. ~adult surviver of a horrible childhood
@Crystalclear0 actions have consequences, if a person was horrible enough when they were younger the should expect people to not care/not visit then when they're dying.
You did the right thing and are very insightful. The fact that you called is already going above and beyond. Thank You for what you do because I am sure you do not get that enough from people such as this. I am being told in therapy to go no contact with my folks based on Narcissism so I can def. feel this.
You did EXACTLY the right thing!! As a woman who was r-ped many times by her father - a man who is now old and starting to fade, and who usually acts charming to strangers but WILL still yell at a stranger - I never want to see him again. When an 80-year-old yells at you to “get out,” they are still playing the same manipulation/control/abuse games with you that they have played all of their life with others. They are just hoping to make you feel bad! DO NOT FEEL BAD! You, Hadley, are PERFECT! ☀️
Ohmygod same ppl literally used to say he's an amazing father and my mum is so lucky. But he made my mum beg him for money and sexually assaulted me till I got my period. He's getting old too now and likes to be charming to strangers like yours. When this nurse in the video was talking about how she loved her patient so much- it reminds me of how some ppl talked about him so gullible.
And this is why it disgusts me to see so many comments under this video complaining about how kids these days are “so entitled” and “will go no-contact just because their parents made them help out with chores”. You never know why someone made the choice to cut someone out of their life, and it most likely isn’t over something trivial. No matter how much of a “good person” they seem to you as a total stranger, you have no idea what kinds of things they were capable of doing to those who were close to them. Also, I’m so sorry to hear about what he did to you. I could never comprehend the amount of pain you must feel to survive something like that. No words other than that I’m so incredibly sorry
@@angelalewis3645 100% this.. narcissitic controlling tactics- Hadley did brilliantly in being respectful and professional but acknowledging that we have no idea who he’s been the last 80 years of his life x
I believe in life reviews after crossing over where you will feel from the other persons’ perspectives toward what you said to them in your life. One of the last life reviews he would see is the moment he yelled at this kind hearted nurse who was there only to help him.
@@MrsAllen-tm7fepossibly to apologize for something. Something happened between them that makes his son not want to visit. I hope his son changed his mind before he has any regrets after his father’s passing. Whatever his father has to say could save his son from regrets or feeling bad or anything. You never know.
Or more likely that the parent was a dick to them and they don't want to be around them anymore ever heard of narcissistic toxic parents could you sound like you need to it wasn't the kid that was the problem it's always the parent that's the problem and the kid that just wants to get away from them
Thank you for this-I pray if my mother ends up on hospice at any point, that, 1 she doesn’t put anyone in this horrible position (but she’s a narcissist, so she will) and 2, that they handle it with the grace that you did- agreeing to try for the sake of your patient, but also respecting an adult child that has had to make the choice of cutting a toxic person out of their life ❤
@@vulpinemachine «My patient told me to ‘get out.’ … As much as it sucks to get yelled at in that way,…» So, yes, according to the nurse, they were yelled at by the patient.
@diamondly6250 Still doesn't excuse whatever unknown pain he inflicted on his son. It takes a lot for someone to go no-contact in most cases, so that says a lot about ones character in my eyes. I myself am no-contact with my father.
As a no contact kid who didnt visit my dad when he was dying you handled this very well. I get guilt tripped from my family a lot for this decision but he was abusive
I’m so sorry you have to deal with the aftermath of family drama. I never thought about this side of it and it makes me appreciate the amazing care givers out there even more. Lots of prayers and hugs. ❤
As a no contact child myself, I am not surprised at the parents response of entitlement. Thank you for being a mediator in such a difficult situation. So much respect for you not guilting the child of your patient🙏🏽 We don’t go no contact for a reason & we also mourn the loss of these parents long before their last breath.
The fact that he told you that you should have ordered his child to come see him, I think, tells a lot about how he treated his children. You did the right thing.
Not really. Dying is the end. There will be no more opportunities for apologies or forgiveness, on either side. I know a woman who did not visit her dying sister. 5 years later the lost opportunity finally struck her and she deeply regrets not seeing her before she died.
yup if i was in that guys situation id ask the nurser to let my kids know and to tell them if they wish to come that is there choice but if not there is no pressure and i understand and id go with whatever the outcome is my outlook would be id want them to have the opportunity if they felt they needed to come see me or if they wanted to he on the other hand only seems to want them there for himself
@@birgittabirgersdatter8082Not everyone cares about forgiveness or apologies. Not everyone feels regret, especially for their abusers. People shouldn't give up their current peace of mind on the off chance that maybe, possibly, at some point in the future, they _might_ feel bad.
I'm also one of those "kids" nearly 40 who has no contact with my father. I'm sure I'll get one of these calls someday, likely through my mother of my sister. I will also not go home to see him. Even when we had a "good" (actually tolerable) relationship, he belittled me and made me small. I had someone at at an event say when I introduced myself, "I didn't know he had another daughter." They knew my sister, but in the years he had worked with my father I had never been mentioned, which spoke to my importance in his life. It's been just over four years since I cut off contact, and I finally have something that I never had when I was in touch with my father, peace and happiness. I wish that I could have those things and have a father in my life, but I've discovered that's impossible, and I'm going to keep those things no matter what other costs there are.
When my mom was hospice I moved a tin of silverware. My mom screamed at me like she never did in my life! My friend was there, heard it and saw me sobbing. She hugged me and told me, she's not yelling at you, she's yelling at dieing. It helped me and I realized she was right. Bless you for the work you are doing.
Same here girl! Stay strong and dont let people guilt trip you into thinking you need to forgive everything a parent does to you simply because they are your parent.
The fact that the patient told you that you "should have said he had to come" & then told you to get out like it was your fault tells me everything i need toknow about that patient. You aced that situation. Well done. You respected and maintained healthy boundaries in all interactions... something most people don't manage.
Ah yes, because judging someone’s entire character based on how they’re acting at the scariest moment of their life, when they’re literally on their deathbed & facing all the unknowns is definitely the way to go 🤪 We also have absolutely NO idea what the “no contact” is about….maybe it’s due to a manipulative family member, lies, or a crazy misunderstanding. The fact that you’re pretending to know for a fact that the dying patient is bad bc they lashed out in a hospice hospice bed is peak comment section. Everything wrong with the internet
@@isitoveryet9525plenty of people on the brink of death manage not to be manipulative bullies. I don’t give a fuck how scared that old shit was. He should have been a worthwhile father.
@@CherryGryffon ohh a veiled threat, a wish for bad things for another person, how lovely. No wonder you're mad they can see the behavior of another manipulator for what it is.
My mother’s step mother wanted to see her when she was dying. My mom said no. This woman had tried to lose my mom in a big city when my mom was 8 years old. Another lady found her and brought her home. She did manage to leave my mom’s younger sister in an asylum, she suffered from epileptic attacks, my mother never knew what became of her younger sister. My mom had no heart for this woman and what she did to these young girls in her care.
As a clinical psychologist and fellow healthcare provider, you absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for representing the best of us as healthcare clinicians. ♥️
Your communication, bravery and honesty are perfect. Protect yourself by not investing your emotions into your pts in their last days. Do everything you do without loving so much ❤
There is not a single person who refuses contact with a parent for absolutely no reason. The reaction of the patient just proves what kind of person and parent that patient is.
@@njcanuckI’m sure it happens - but it’s been an entire lifetime. If the father had been UNFAIRLY alienated, there was already plenty of time to prove that. Obviously he didnt
@@njcanuckFun fact: the "child psycologist" who coined the term parental alienation syndrome was an admitted pdf and mlsogynlst. He believed men having inapproprite relations with their kids was natural, and that women were inheritly spitefuI and vengefuI and wanted to ruin the relationship kids had with their father. He created and structured pas into a legaI term to protect pdfs, and its still today a term used in the courts to dismiss child @buse allegations and protect pdfs.
When old folks have no visitors, its safe to assume either everyone has died before them...or they died to everyone else long before they took their last breath 💯 People who loved people in the prime, don't end up old and alone when they're old, especially when the people they loved are still alive ❤❤
You did the right thing. I'm on hospice and also no contact with my mother for at least 30 years. I'm a 47 year old female and have no plans to talk to her ever again. Your patient should not blame you for his past. Most kids are not going to go no contact unless there's a really good reason. ❤
You did the right thing. I've been no contact with my father for over a decade. I thought long and hard on that decision. For my own mental health it is absolutely necessary. I saw him for the first time again recently at a funeral. My husband was kind enough to step in between us when my father tried to sneak a hug. I was civil and told him I hoped he was well and that I was sorry for his loss. I paid my respects and left.
Literally exactly what I thought the fact this person instantly thought they had the power to DEMAND the other person to come is scary. Also P.S.- the fact he told her to GET OUT is also concerning and probably speaks to who he actually is.
Ya probably, but also the person is dying and it's a scary thing and many want their families there too. So expecting someone to be emotionally intelligent facing deaths door isn't empathic either. But I love how she handled it as a no contact kid myself.
I really appreciate that about her. I'm glad the hospital staff loved my dad. They saw the side of him I loved too. They didn't see his violent rages when I was a child. He, like a lot of people, was a complicated person.
As someone who is as no contact as possible with my father and would in fact have also said no, you absolutely did do the right thing, people don’t go no contact for no reason and you not trying to make the kid feel bad for that was the right move ❤
The fact that he could not respect your boundaries indicates how he has been with his family. You handled it beautifully, gracefully and respectfully ❤
Except she didn't respect boundaries. No contact means no contact. She can talk about respect all she wants but she doesn't know the wound she may have opened or whatever
@@Eggy79 "no contact" but the patient is dying. Son was listed as a contact for a reason. If she hadn't alerted the son at all, they could've later complained to the facility. Unless it's clearly written in their policy exactly what "no contact" means and under what circumstances contact will occur, it's better to err on the side of at least informing the family of the patient's current status. 10 years is a long time to be in hospice.
@@Eggy79 no contact doesn't mean restraining order. It means no contact. And I think the child has the right to be offered the opportunity and the choice whether they want to visit their parent on their death bed.
Yeah this feels very grey.. I'm no contact but if my father was dying I would still appreciate the phone call. It would be a hard NO but worth knowing about
Yes! Came to say the same thing. It’s a sad situation, but it takes years and years of abuse (all kinds) for most children to come to that painful decision. Thank you for respecting all sides.
Every situation is different. Sometimes kids are lead astray by others that want to control them. Some kids make things up then start to believe their own lies. It depends on the situation. You cannot say that every situation has very good reasons. Some do not.
Sadly, some kids do put up with lifetimes of trauma & abuse before getting the strength to walk away, and I respect them for finding that courage. But there are also kids who cut off contact for petty, cruel, selfish & controlling reasons of their own too. And their can be misunderstandings as well. Family dynamics are complicated, because people are complicated 🤷♀️
I just wished you would've capitalized the words 'VERY GOOD REASONS' in your comment❤️🩹 As someone who went no contact with my mother & only sibling 9 years ago, and everyone thinks I must be the monster & deserve my suffering in poverty now-- folks don't know the LIFETIME OF HELL that causes someone to make such a drastic move. The local police, after encountering my mother's psychotic rage...said ' Run as far away as fast as you can.' I was 43. She told folks the only thing I'll ever get from her is my grave plot. VERY GOOD REASONS PPL...
Spot on job. As a no contact "kid" you're right, the other 80 years matter. People are capable of a lot of bad. It would likely bring more drama to the son, and possibly to the dad. You protected both of them. That's honorable.
I am a CNA. I work with the elderly and I say it all the time. Just because they are old,cute, and nice now does not mean they have been good people their whole lives. The way he threw you out? Manipulation and probably the way he has always been. His true colors just came threw.
So true! My mom worked in a nursing home and one of the patients was a murderer. Not just a murderer, but murdered their own children! Nice & sweet to me and all the staff as an elderly patient... Never would've guessed that about then in a million years
I mean he could have just wanted to be alone after the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. I do think it says enough that his kid refused but damm your comment is weird af, telling someone to leave YOUR room when you are bed bound and upset is NOT manipulation 😂
@@jennyhaslayer1396 yes and no, a gentle 'will you leave' possibly crying, rather than yelling, lol. But yeah, he could have dementia or something.....still..............sounds like you are justifying some unresolved anger issues you have......
he got bad news and communicated directly he needed to be alone. yeah he should've done it without yelling but dying is usually p messy with your emotions. manipulation would be if he told a dramatic story to trick her into talking to his son again or something of that nature, manipulation inherently involves deceit, and there's no evidence that he was being dishonest.
@@sapphita6099Pushing someone past their boundaries & theN telling them to "get out" when she is explaining what she is willing to do- is manipulation, IMHO.
The fact that the patient told you to TELL the son he MUST come is an indicator that he still wants to control the situation and narrative. The fact said patient then made you feel bad just shows him to not be a nice person. You have gone above and beyond in giving of your emotions so try to keep yourself from being used like this. You are a kind and empathic nurse- but you must protect yourself!
There's always a reason someone's child goes no-contact as an adult. People put up with family more than with any other people in their lives, so it's never anything not-serious when someone decides to cut their parents (or other family members) out of their lives. My parents are still alive, but I've resolved not to have any contact with them again. Even if I someday get a call from hospice.
No. It really doesn't at all. It tells you what kind of character he was to his nurse, on one specific day, while in the midst of facing his own death.
That's exactly what I was thinking. He wants to disrespect his son's boundaries, guilt trip the son, blame the nurse, and get angry for the nurse for respecting someone else? He has no respect for his son or the nurse. What an awful human.
@@a_burning_rose you don't even know this person and yet youre going to call him an awful person over 1 bad experience with his nurse while hes on his death bed? I think if you worked healthcare youd undersatnd, most people are not very happy to be in the hospital lol
It's hard to not judge this man over this one occurrence with only knowing he's estranged from his son. I've done or said things I regret when I was upset before. Obviously the man is in an emotional state when he knows he's about to die.
As a "no contact kid", we do often get the guilt trips.."life is short" etc and yes, which is why i choose to protect my peace...because before the peace was littered which chaos. Thanks for being a good nurse, and i think for what its worth..you did the right thing.
Some people don’t understand that saying “life is short” only strengthens my certainty. Yes, life is short, which is why I don’t want to spend any more years being subjected to abuse.
"You need to keep in contact! He's your father, life is short!" "I hope his is shorter :)" -The last words my great aunt and I ever spoke to each other after the dude finally caught prison time for his epstein tendencies. I am sick to death of managing the emotions of people whose feelies get all uncomfie when they have to consider that someone they like has hurt people that badly, and sicker to death of pretending that's the only reason they want me to shut up and act like nothing happened.
Exactly, life is short why would I waste time on someone that obviously could not have cared less? If family is so important, maybe they should have treated you right instead of expecting you to take BS. Goes both ways, but bullies and abusers won't acknowledge that.
Peace littered with chaos sums up things I had to endure. My mother's entire family including her own parents respected my no contact. Well...except my flying monkey sister. Finally told her I did not want to hear anything of our mother except that she died. I have no more energy to give the chaos.
As a therapist, the fact that the father said, " you should have told him he had to come," says a lot. The patient used his death as another form of control. It would have been more healing for the son if your patient asked you to tell his son " I'm sorry, and love you"
The fact that he told you, someone there to help him, to get out gives a great deal of insight into his character and perhaps why his son wants no contact.
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to come in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry. It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws. Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out. Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, peaceful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request. People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment his father gave him.
I agree. Having been emotionally abused by a narc for many, many years, my red light started flashing right away. And, having also been the caregiver for 4 people who’ve passed from various cancers, I can say that while some may get cranky, not a one of them treated me in the way this person did to the kind nurse.
Not true. Assuming a healthy adult, people often want to be alone with sever emotions. Since this is an elderly hospice patient there could be many additional reasons. Being told to get out may not be anything to do with the nurse! It might well have just meant I need to be alone right now!
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to visit in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry. It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws. Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out. Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the current inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request. People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment he received from his father.
Ir’s an 80 year old man. It’s likely He didn’t want to cry around a nurse (or any other person). I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt though. The yelling about it was a bit much. He could have asked more quietly (but he is dying and on very strong meds).
You absolutely did it the right way. I've been in some similar positions with my health, and if I had someone like you help me, it would have been handled the best way. Thank you for being so awesome!
I don't think she was fired. Her patient needed space. I handle end of life matters and my clients do get upset and have asked me to leave. Not many... after some time away, they are always happy I returned. I'm here to vent to, care for and help find comfort.
If we've lived our lives with care, and nurtured the relationships we've had with respect, support, and grace for our family, our children would gather around us when we pass.
You did the right thing. My husband went no contact with his dad and when he was hospitalized, one of the times, a nurse made my husband feel horrible for not coming to see his dad. Another time, a nurse told my husband that she was just notifying him that his dad was hospitalized and that my husband didn't owe anyone an explanation of why he wasn't coming. It was such a weight lifted.
I'm really glad your husband was spoken to decently by the nurse the other time. It's one thing to know what you should do, to be validated for it makes all the difference.
Plus yelling at the person that is there to take care of you, and help you, when things go south. No wonder why the son doesn't want anything to do with them.
I mean, sure, the disappointment that you won't see them before you die can make you upset and maybe behave badly in the moment... But it's definitely a red flag
I have had to cut off contact with toxic people in my life (not a parent, but others). I respect you for respecting boundaries and applaud you for standing your ground. The personality shift when the patient realized that he couldn't control his son just shows the type of person he has been for the last 80 years of his life.
Wow. A perspective I had never considered. Thank you for being willing to help and for sharing this difficult aspect of your already incredibly challenging career. ❤
As a no-contact person that is easily guilt tripped, you would have been the keeper of my peace here by not engaging in guilt. Thank you for the thoughtful work that you do.
It's also NOT HER JOB OR IN HER JOB DESCRIPTION TO INSIST ON relatives that don't want to come to come. Personally I would be calling once or twice and after that if the called person didn't answer I am done. As a hospice nurse I have a million other things I need to do.
As a no contact child, you did the right thing. My father tried to get my siblings to see him before he died. We didn't. He was a monster of a human being and the worst kind of parent a child could have. Someone from the hospital tried to guilt my sister into coming, until she explained exactly what kind of person he was, and then they apologised profusely. 🙃 I appreciate the work you do, thank you. ❤
Ugh, I hate that. My dad's hospice nurses were the same way, which my mom encouraged. Nurses, just because a patient is nice to you, does not automatically mean they're a good person. Most abusers wear masks.
@@WobblesandBean I wish this was its own comment not a reply. More people need to read this! Being able to be charming is not the same as being a decent human being!
@@tfrtrouble exactly, my mom is someone that anyone she would spark convos with would be in total belief that she was a charming, funny, nice and helpful person but little do they all know, she was/is a monster behind closed doors. She is my example that if you don't move on from childhood trauma, you'll be a problem to the people around you.
And it the reverse situation - if the ill person doesn’t want a family member there respect their wishes. I also had a problem with a funeral home going behind my back contacting estranged family members. Make sure all your advance directives are in order and include a notarize a distribution of remains.
You handled that perfectly. It’s sad when parent/child relationships cannot be salvaged, but this man had to know in his heart that this was what would happen when you called
As someone with toxic no-contact family members, thank you. You are 100% right about not knowing how people have been their whole life. If it's too late to redeem the relationship, that's on the patient, not on you.
My mom was a hospice nurse for many years. To this day, she says the biggest lesson she learned in all those years was that you die how you live. If no one comes to your side in the end, chances are, you should’ve lived and loved differently. Edit: Yes, I know there are exceptions to every rule. That’s a given.
You taught me something when my father passed that helped me enormously. You’ve never met me and you probably never will. But you made a difference and it helped me. I’ve repeated it many times to others. “You don’t owe people who abused you peace”
@@shirleyherman2835She didn’t say that. She was relating this situation to her own painful yet healing experience & used the opportunity to thank Hadley.
Ngl, I thought this video would trigger me as a no-contact child myself, but the respect you have for the son and patient at the same time is a relief. Thank you for sharing
I get both sides. I would feel torn, also! but as a hospice nurse?? her job title is literally caring for her patients' final needs, comforting and caring for people who are on their deathbed... it makes sense for her as a non-involved professional to call the adult and say "I heard you weren't speaking to your father, but he wanted me to pass the message that he is dying, and would like to see you one last time." That seems fair, and not super traumatic (I know everyone is different)... much better than hearing from parent directly. And she couldn't know the details of their issues, she's just doing what she can do in a job that requires so much empathy, compassion, emotional toughness etc. It's one of those truly respectful "hard job, but somebody has to do it!" like Police, Teachers, Hospice Nurses, embalmers, military... etc
I am also a no contact child and I can tell you I have already mourned the death of people that are still alive… I refuse to make them feel better when they never granted me that
This is so hard! I too mourned my mom’s death before she died. Then when she did die I mourned it again. I hope you find comfort and don’t have to do it twice. I hope you have the love and support of those around you in case you do! ❤
@@scarlettj0125 Same with my father, I told people that, to me, my father died a long time ago. I didn't mourn when he actually died, but the guilt ... like, should I have reached out, did he die thinking I hated him, why didn't he reach out, etc?
You're not wrong, we all make the best decisions we can with stay info is given to us. The only thought is, it's five to cut the toxic out but as you've said, why make them feel better with your forgiveness if they never did right by you. But no one will ever know if they realized what they did wrong and would have tried if you never allowed contact again. I did no contact with my mother from 16 til~26. Tried reconnecting, didn't get right back to a normal relationship. Very spotty. 4ish years later it was back to no contact. Point was that i gave her a chance as an adult, understanding full adult situation, how people COULD change but also understanding gaslighting, manipulation, how to decode the lies. Turns out she didn't really change and hey pattern was right back to 'me, me, me, me!'. I can live comfortably knowing i Gabe her a chance after she knew that i was capable of cutting her off. She had a chance to change, make ammends and know full well the consequences(alot say they will cut contact, few actually do). Even that wasn't enough to change her. So some really do just need to be dropped. But i want to believe that there is still a CHANCE in every person to actually change. VERY few will take it, but i want to believe it still exists.
@@109367 the guilt is still there with me too. I try to remember that I did what was best for me and my mental, emotional, and physical health, and for my future family. Sometimes that lessens the guilt.
I haven’t talked to my mom in 9 years and I don’t plan to again. Thank you for respecting his choice. I’m sorry you have to take the anger from your patient.
You did it exactly right. What you said about not knowing how they were for the first 80 years of their life is spot on. There is a reason that they're no contact. Great job. I know it's hard, but that son thanks you.
"Not my place to guilt trip" . I think you indeed did the right thing. I hope my family gets the high quality health care you provide. I love how you love this patient, care for his dying process AND hold yourself in integrity.
But she's only caring for his process and not the child's. A parent doesn't get to traumatize their child and then have someone else do it on their behalf just because they're dying. As a daughter of a toxic mother who would do this exact same thing, it bothers me that so many people are commending her for this 💔
Ummmm no it doesn’t! You can not sum up 80 years bec of a dying act. Have you ever been dying before, I have and you will try anything to get that comfort before you do. We have no idea what the reason is you assumed you did!
@@Wetzel983Thing is, you may have been dying, but I've been the grandchild of someone who died. Twice. One of them I was in contact with because I wasn't old enough to cut contact. The other, I wasn't able to be in contact with because I had to go no-contact with his wife, my grandmother. Both my other grandparents will die while I remain no-contact with them, as will one of my parents, and one day also my brother. We can see in the video that the father is manipulative and controlling. As shown by his phrasing that she was echoing of "tell him to visit" and his insistence that she should've been more forceful with him. He also yells at her when she's just doing her best. If he's treating her like that, there's EVERY reason to assume he treats his own child as badly or worse. Being on your deathbed doesn't give you the right to force someone back into your life who left to protect themselves. In fact, I have less respect for deathbed apologies than if someone just reached out for the sake of feeling guilty and wanting to apologise. If it took you being on your deathbed to realise you were an a**hole... I don't know what to say but "do better" - regardless whether that's you specifically or other people like the one this video is referring to. Only you also kinda proved my point in your own comment. You said yourself that it was not about guilt or wanting to apologise, but rather, about your comfort and your feelings. And nobody who has cut contact owes you that. Nobody. You are responsible for dealing with your own emotions surrounding dying and you are the one who has to live with your own choices. I recently found out that my ex's stepfather has cancer and might be dying. If he reaches out to apologise to me for things that happened 15 years ago, I actually won't be responding or open to it, because he's had this long to apologise and if it was really so important, he already would've. Now, it would probably only be to comfort himself and feel less alone while he dies and that's not my job and it's not my son's job. You are responsible for mending those bridges BEFORE you are on your deathbed. Nobody owes you sh*t. (Swear words edited because RUclips has flagged and removed comments of mine with them in it before.)
OH MY GOODNESS YOU POSTED THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN SINCE YOU POSTED IN FEBRUARY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MRS HADLEY AND YOU ARE THE REASON I ASPIRE TO BE A HOSPICE NURSE ♥️♥️♥️
No contact for 10 years? The patient is rather presumptuous to assume it is YOUR fault for doing it wrong 🤦♀️
He was banking on the idea that having the nurse call would be the silver bullet through the kid's boundaries. He totally has the power to reach out with love and try to mend things, but instead he took out his frustration on a nurse he is lucky to have.
“i can see why they went no contact” would be my first thought
yes! They were no contact for ten years and he blames the nurse???!!!
I sincerely doubt the patient assumes she “did it wrong.” Human emotions are more complex than that. This dying man could be lying there with decades of regrets racing through his head. He lashed out at her because she was there. She was his last shot. He’s just angry, and only he knows fully why, but this nurse is not the cause of it.
@@_outofphase5480 Lashing out at someone because they're there is probably what got him in that spot to begin with.
Thank you for not guilt tripping family. I love that you said, “I don’t know how this person was for the first 80 years of their life,” allowing for the possibility that individuals change, but not assuming that change has occurred.
Actually, the dying person getting mad and asking her to leave because she wouldn't "force" the family member to come pretty much sums up who this person actually is. 🤔
@@abbykoop5363not necessarily… a lot of people are probably not that composed when dying and facing potentially a life full of regrets and the fact that their own kids won’t see them. But I do tend to believe if your kids won’t talk to you, you royally f*cked up.
It's hard for a person to comprehend how a parent can make a scapegoat out of a child unless it has happened to them.
@@timeiswhat that is my thought… if your kid cut contact with you, generally, it was for a reason…
Not really, she rather assumed that even if they did change, they may have been awful people before and the kids don’t want to have anything to do with them because of that
As a no contact guy with a lot of his family I thank you for your sensitivity. No contact is not for fun it’s for survival and self preservation. Thank you for being so understanding.
Spot on with survival and self preservation!! Your comment is very accurate. It’s not fun at all. Extremely brutal emotionally. For me the freedom is worth the discomfort.
Yes!! I've seen comment sections on social media with hundreds of parents claiming that their kids decided to cut them off for no good reason. The lack of self awareness is really sad. My dad was severely neglectful to the point where I didn't have food or hygiene items, but he would tell you that he has no clue why we don't talk.
😂 there’s multiple people in your family that want you dead? And would actively seek that out? No your just a victim. A crybaby who likes feeling down and looking for sympathy. Cause it tickles your brain in a way no other emotion does.
@@cam2023x same here. I see In sensitive comments on social media too, judging children who are no contact. People need to respect other's decisions on this, they have no idea what the child went through, and no contact is usually for good reasons.
SO "SENSITIVE" she plasters someone else's private business all over the damn internet for clicks and views?
Would you be OK with YOUR nurse putting your private family business on blast for attention and monetary gain like this?
It's the patient's duty to repair their own relationships. YOU ARE A GREAT NURSE!!!
You absolutely did the right thing. You are a wonderful nurse.
I mean… if he yelled at her to get out… that’s your answer of how he may have been the first 80 years of his life 😑
You handled the situation perfectly. It's up to the son at this point if he needs any further closure. They can both change their minds as far as reaching out, last words etc. Now they both know the situation. The patient took out his rejection on you. Keep up the extraordinary job you do with all your patience. ❤🙏
Agreed. There is nothing else you can do. You have been polite, diplomatic, and accommodating. This is beyond you. Keep up the good work, Ms.Hospice Nurse!
I agree. You did the right thing. As someone who went no contact because of a narcissistic toxic mother, I can foresee that she will do the same when her time comes. They say that people become more of what they really are when they’re dying. So the fact that your patient yelled at YOU when he/she didn’t get their way screams narcissist to me. It’s not you Hadley. It’s your patient’s own issue. You are a good person for trying. You are earning your Angel’s wings!!
Those were the exact words I was going to say. I guess I have some faith that, however, that situation went, whether the offspring connected with the dad at the end or not, it was the right thing for each of them even if it meant pain now or later.
Him telling you to "get out" because of you standing your ground is probably what he was like in life.
Idunno. We still do not know though, separate knowing, I err on the side of the adult child, dunno what they went through. But I can’t imagine the emotions of someone about to pass, taking whatever horrific feelings and decades of regret or anger or unresolved brokenness with them…that’s not peace. Not saying a thing about fault or whatever whomever deserves…regardless, I could see someone having a variety of responses to that, whether they are an indication of what they were like or not.
It's just so sad to think that he was horribly mad in his last moments. But what else can one do?
No he was probably just upset that she was his last hope at seeing his son and it failed. I would be sad/mad too and want some alone time as well.
@@pizza8050or both.
@@ec9833don't forget that the patient said "you should have told him that he had to come"... indicating that the parent was demanding and not just sad about the outcome.
Plus that patient could have said "I want to be alone right now" instead of "get out"
As someone who went no contact with my family members (painfully, one by one as i tried to exhaust every other option...), thank you for sharing this. I carry a lot of burden and grief from going no contact... I'm constantly wondering if i did the right thing. My family raised me on shame and guilt, and it still trickles in when I'm going through a rough patch... but then i have to remind myself that my husband and daughter dont deserve to go through what I did.
I'm sure you have done the right thing; tried your best and gone no contact as only the last resort. You deserve happiness. I hope you healing and a wonderful and happy life with your husband and daughter ❤️
You did the right thing.
If there was hope, you would've worked it out.
All you can do is say the Forgiveness Prayer multiple times a day, and release them with love.
Holding grudges is what causes a ball of dark energy inside your Spiritual Body (visible to intuitives) that manifests as tumors, diseases, and cancers in the physical body. Which is probably why the guy is in fhe hospice.
Hence not releasing it is kinda stupid. Forgiving them is for you, not them.
I’ve worked in the field of psychology for over 30yrs, as well as gone NC and LC with family members. Rest assured you did the right thing. The older narcissists in my life never got better with time, just older, less energetic to attack, but still toxic mental games for those who stayed in their lives. You saved yourself and your children from caring on the legacy of toxicity
You did the right thing. You deserve better, just like your partner and children.
I have been no contact for a while. I want to thank you for starting with “I don’t know how this person was like during the first part of their life” because so many caregivers want to judge that the children don’t visit sweet old mom/dad/ect but fail to realize that person used to abuse , neglect, and be a nasty person to his/her family and that’s why they want nothing to do with them. You know them as the scared old person that doesn’t want to die alone. I knew them as the person that made me want to dye alone.
Boom. Exquisitely stated.
Why you use two different die
That’s deep
Beautiful, well said thank you
The personality shift when you told them they had no control over their family member is a good indicator to what type of person they were back then
This!!!!!!!!!
Yes!!!
Or to what type of person they are when they drop the mask (usually only when only family are present).
Not necessarily, that alone can be common with elderly people who are nearing end of life if they have dementia specifically-they can be frustrated easily and have drastic personality shifts.
That said, the child likely has a good reason for no contact. I just don’t think the personality shift in an elderly hospice patient who is dying and reconciling with never seeing their child again before their death is the indicator. Going no contact is.
@@louderthanwordsInclusivity I doubt it is just frustration when the son has been no contact for years
The fact that he told you that you SHOULD have told the son that he HAD to come and then told you to get out when he didn't get what he wanted tells me all I need to know. You did a great job. Bless you!
I would not have wanted to be the father or the son. Regrets come, later in life. You just never know.
You handled the situation perfectly. You have no knowledge of their history. You are a great nurse. Person affair between them after all is personal. He was def in the wrong to tell you to get out.
@@susanh2804shouldn’t have been a terrible father then.
Nah I understand the son. No regrets later. @@susanh2804
Agreed.
I'm also a hospice nurse, and these kind of issues happen more often than people realize. You did a great job!
I was one of those limited contact “kids”. My dad was the one who made no effort to maintain contact. I received a call from ICO 2500 miles away telling me my dad was brain dead after 23 minutes of CPR. I had to authorize turning off life support as next of kin. Bonus: I had to handle his estate where there was no will and I had to figure out what assets he had because I had no idea about his finances. I hadn’t talk to him in 10 years and he was absent in my life until he had a granddaughter. Then he stopped contact when the kid graduated high school. The nurses were awesome when I asked questions before giving approval to turn off life support and figure out what to do next.
Sorry but you didn't "have" to do anything. The courts would have handled it just fine. Just because some dead person named you on some piece of paper doesn't mean you're legally obligated to fulfill the role.
@@Zhaliberty yes. yes it literally does mean that. if you don't sort out your dead relative's affairs when no one else is around to do it, it won't get done. my mother died and I had to see what the process of that was like. it absolutely just gets pushed onto the next closest family member whether they like it or not. only days after my mother died and still in deep grief my father had to do all the paperwork and make many phone calls.
@@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3 I'm trying to say you can walk away and move on with your life as it sits in the court system. and sure somebody else can step i[ but what does it matter to you. You have no obligation whatsoever. UNLESS you want something.
@@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3ive never thought about how wills save people further grief thabk you for enlightening me
@@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3 No. You are not legally obligated to deal with the death of a family member, especially financially. In your story, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother, it sounds like it was an active choice. If it gets pushed onto another family member, they make an active choice if they want to take that on also.
You always have a choice.
I’m an affair child. I only ever saw my bio father in public only to be ignored! I only talked to him privately a few times, all he ever said was how I ruined his life and other crappy things. A year ago I got a call that he had cancer and was dying. I was told he wanted to speak to me. I said no thank you and hung up. Two of my half brothers confronted me about it and tried to guilt trip me. I explained I don’t know him and the few times we spoke it was not pleasant. My attorney received a letter from him after he passed. I told him to read it and if it wasn’t bad I’ll read it. Needless to say I never read the letter, my attorney shredded it. You never know why someone is no contact, respect people’s decisions!
The fact that he used some of his last moments alive to abuse you one last time via a letter is disturbing. You didnt deserve that.
Love the fact that you cock blocked the abuse after the narc was dead by having someone else read that letter!!! Narcs LOVE to pull this "final letter" shit where they will shit all over you after they are dead and there is nothing you can do. I've got a similar cock block in place with my narc abuser...all letters read by someone else and only if they aren't bad or insulting will I read them. No one gets to abuse me as an adult!
@@WeetchBeetch Thank you!
Sounds like you ABSOLUTELY made the right call. Good on you, hope you found healing🫶🫶🫶
He couldn't get to you in those last moments & the letter got shredded, he was thwarted at the last.... you win my friend!
The biggest mistake in judging a character is assuming because they were nice to you, they are nice to others too. People can be cruel, behind closed doors.
💯
YUP!
@@htpkey Exactly. My older sister cut out our father after listening into our conversations and hearing how he treats me when he thinks no one can see. Then she convince me to do the same. Best decision ever! I look and feel 10 years younger.
Yes 100 % accurate.. My ex was nasty behind closed doors.
When my parents call I can tell when someone else enters the room because their voice changes SO MUCH. The tone, the words they use, the pitch, the sarcasm. It's wild how they would be embarrassed to be caught speaking like that, but no issues speaking to me like that when no one else is watching.
This is a good reminder to everyone to be kind in life. To everyone. Not just your kids. One day you will die. And how you treat people while you’re living will dictate if you’re surrounded with loved ones or alone when your time comes. Always be kind.
I’m so sorry. My husband is in hospice and we would never ask our nurse to do something like that. He never should have expected you to do that. The fact that you are nice enough to try, says everything about you❣️🙏🏻 You’re a wonderful nurse. I really appreciate what you do, I know it’s not an easy job. 🙏🏻💖💕
The “you should have told him he had to come” says everything you need to know!
Facts. It’s easy to seem nice when you’re “old man flirting” with a pretty nurse. Or when the people around you don’t owe you, in your opinion, for giving them life. Some parents just think they own their kids.
Exactly
Thing is, he doesn't have to come. No amount of the nurse telling him he does would change that, so what would even be the point?
@@ttintagelbcuz he will 1 day regret it and also what stopped them from talking all those years? Any information there ?? Thanks.
@@BeeWhistler let's be honest, she's paid to wait on him and attend to his needs. A toxic and self entitled person is going to love having a caregiver. It's equals that they struggle having a relationship with.
As a no contact child, thank you. Going no contact is the hardest thing I've ever done but it's finally freed me.
The more time I spent no contact, the more clarity I felt. Wishing you clarity.
I went no contact at about age 25. I'm 53 now. Best thing I ever did, shouldn't have waited so long. Some people just don't make good parents because they're just not good people. It is freeing, I agree.
Same.❤
Yep totally agree it’s the hardest things I’ve done ever and at first I thought I was wrong for doing it but after some time it’s the best decision I have ever done in my life
Your reasons are valid.
As a no contact child, I've met my fair share of noisy people trying to make me feel bad for cutting them out... then I tell them all she did to me, and they feel so bad.
If only some people learned to mind their own business 🤷🏼♀️
As a no-contact kid, I appreciate how you handled this with my whole heart. It is so painful having to establish these types of boundaries with parents and soooo many people put pressure and guilt us for our decision, which is usually something we chose as a last resort to protect ourselves. It's a terrible situation for everyone involved. Thank you for respecting your patient and their children at the same time. ❤
You absolutely DID the right thing to NOT GUILT TRIP anyone and you remained neutral in a very challenging situation!!!
You’re a beautiful soul!
As a no contact child, thank you. You still respected the wishes of the patient and asked, but also respected the wishes of the child when they said no. You did the right thing both ways.
I am sorry things in your life created a no contact situation. I hope this nurse, & those in the comments see your message. As much as people want to help, we can quickly find out we caused pain instead of helping.
I TOTALLY AGREE!!! Sorry you had to deal with that also. ❤😢❤
yeah i got the same feel
Agreed
I don’t care what happened I think it’s cruel to not give someone a chance to make amends before death. It’s immature and cruel
Getting yelled at like that is exactly how they were the first 80 years of their life.
Before, you were seeing their public face.
Yup, the mask slipped.
Exactly what I was thinking. The insistence that she demand they come visit is the kind of stuff that led to no contact.
That's why the son was no contact for a decade.❤
This!🙌🙌🙌
I'm sure all you lovely people will be polite and sweet as can be when you're on your death bed. I mean what kind of person would be emotional or cranky while they're dying...selfish right
No one goes no-contact because of childish reasons, especially not for over a decade, and especially not if their family member is dying. You did the right thing by not making that person feel guilty, because I’m sure they feel plenty bad themselves.
You absolutely handled this right. Your patient is lucky you even called his son since it is not your responsibility to mend their broken relationship!
That patient's response says a lot about why his son doesnt want to visit him. Kudos to you for being helpful and offering reasonable solutions.
Right!?!?! Like, "You should have told him that he had to come" is so crazy to me.
EXACTLY. He's nice til you don't give him everything he wants.
100% that triggered me 😭 he's just reaping what he sewed. The controlling entitlement drives me crazy
Good grief. Probably more like He’s dying and feels the need to lay his eyes on his child one last time. He probably feels desperate to see him. Have some compassion.
@@CH-kr2dfmaybe he should've thought about how much his son means to him before he saw death next door. I'm not saying the father is for sure the toxic one here but based on limited information....
Not many of us are lucky enough to even have an opportunity for "goodbye" or closure before death. I'll never understand those who don't realise this and think they can outsmart death. If you love someone and see it possible, make things right as soon as possible. Don't wait to cop out minutes before death comes...
The fact that the patient responded by yelling at you is probably a clue as to why his son went no-contact. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.
for real :/
This is exactly what I thought too. ☝🏼
100% facts!
Exactly
I came to say that exact same thing!
No one chooses to go no-contact with a parent for no reason. I’m proud of the son for sticking to his boundaries and knowing what was right for him. I’m sorry you had to be the middle man!
As a no contact child thank you for not guilt tripping, sometimes it’ll only bring everyone more pain to go
As a person who is no contact with their mother and has no plans to ever be again, thank you for not using guilt. We got enough of that while they were healthy. Dying doesn't override what they did in life.
Sometimes it's not the dying person's fault. There could be drug abuse, prison sentences, theft, or even elder abuse.
Those are explanations for their behaviour. It is still their fault. @@alfmagoo
@@alfmagoowhataboutism
100% agreed. No matter the circumstances, the scars are there. Many good vibes to you friend, we heal a little bit every day.
Mercy can heal many wounds. Forgiveness at someone's deathbed can help people move on, on both sides.
As a no-contact child myself (now adult) I want to say thank you, thank you for calling them and thank you for respecting their wishes
I agree, she did the correct thing. She told the child who is now an adult. The child made up their mind. The nurses job ends there. Great job. May the patient RIP when their time comes.❤
@@Crystalclear0everyone’s situation is different. You never know. You just gotta respect their decision.
@@Crystalclear0parents can earn or lose respect, just like anyone else. Granting it when they have not earned it is one cause of needless emotional damage in this culture.
@@Crystalclear0 "cruel" is an interesting word choice. As this nurse said, she doesn't know what happened the first 80 years of the patient's life. Maybe he was cruel to his children. Putting your morals on another person's life doesn't work out too well. ~adult surviver of a horrible childhood
@Crystalclear0 actions have consequences, if a person was horrible enough when they were younger the should expect people to not care/not visit then when they're dying.
You did the right thing and are very insightful. The fact that you called is already going above and beyond. Thank You for what you do because I am sure you do not get that enough from people such as this. I am being told in therapy to go no contact with my folks based on Narcissism so I can def. feel this.
“Tell them they HAVE to come!”
And that right there is why they didn’t.
You did EXACTLY the right thing!!
As a woman who was r-ped many times by her father - a man who is now old and starting to fade, and who usually acts charming to strangers but WILL still yell at a stranger - I never want to see him again.
When an 80-year-old yells at you to “get out,” they are still playing the same manipulation/control/abuse games with you that they have played all of their life with others. They are just hoping to make you feel bad! DO NOT FEEL BAD!
You, Hadley, are PERFECT! ☀️
My heart aches for the child you once were and what happened to her. I am so sorry.
Ohmygod same ppl literally used to say he's an amazing father and my mum is so lucky. But he made my mum beg him for money and sexually assaulted me till I got my period.
He's getting old too now and likes to be charming to strangers like yours. When this nurse in the video was talking about how she loved her patient so much- it reminds me of how some ppl talked about him so gullible.
And this is why it disgusts me to see so many comments under this video complaining about how kids these days are “so entitled” and “will go no-contact just because their parents made them help out with chores”. You never know why someone made the choice to cut someone out of their life, and it most likely isn’t over something trivial. No matter how much of a “good person” they seem to you as a total stranger, you have no idea what kinds of things they were capable of doing to those who were close to them.
Also, I’m so sorry to hear about what he did to you. I could never comprehend the amount of pain you must feel to survive something like that. No words other than that I’m so incredibly sorry
@@angelalewis3645 100% this.. narcissitic controlling tactics- Hadley did brilliantly in being respectful and professional but acknowledging that we have no idea who he’s been the last 80 years of his life x
My heart goes out to anyone who has lived through such trauma. YOU ARE VAILD. YOU ARE LOVED. AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT ❤ I love you. Stay safe.
The fact that he yelled at you hints at what he was like in his youth.
Was about to say exactly this.
AND manipulative because he wanted to force his son to come...
I believe in life reviews after crossing over where you will feel from the other persons’ perspectives toward what you said to them in your life.
One of the last life reviews he would see is the moment he yelled at this kind hearted nurse who was there only to help him.
@@MrsAllen-tm7fepossibly to apologize for something. Something happened between them that makes his son not want to visit. I hope his son changed his mind before he has any regrets after his father’s passing.
Whatever his father has to say could save his son from regrets or feeling bad or anything. You never know.
Or more likely that the parent was a dick to them and they don't want to be around them anymore ever heard of narcissistic toxic parents could you sound like you need to it wasn't the kid that was the problem it's always the parent that's the problem and the kid that just wants to get away from them
As someone who is no-contact with one of their parents, THANK YOU for handling this situation this way.
Thank you for this-I pray if my mother ends up on hospice at any point, that, 1 she doesn’t put anyone in this horrible position (but she’s a narcissist, so she will) and 2, that they handle it with the grace that you did- agreeing to try for the sake of your patient, but also respecting an adult child that has had to make the choice of cutting a toxic person out of their life ❤
The fact that the patient yelled at you over something out of your control is very telling.
Well my comment was incorrect. But i cant find it so i cant remove it. Sorry.
@@vulpinemachine «My patient told me to ‘get out.’ … As much as it sucks to get yelled at in that way,…»
So, yes, according to the nurse, they were yelled at by the patient.
@@natbarmore I ALREADY PUT A CORRECTION THAT I NOTICED THAT, THANK YOU.
i mean, the guy is dying and desperate, lets not pretend that you are more emotionally superior xD
So. Yell at the son, not the nurse who is caring for you. @@SkyForceOne2 Let's not pretend like your emotions give you the right to mistreat people.
The fact he tried to bully you. True colors. Which is why his son wants no part. RIP, sir.
Right!
well though your right. he could have also been in a lot of pain. pepole get a really short temper when in pain and when there about to die
@diamondly6250 Still doesn't excuse whatever unknown pain he inflicted on his son. It takes a lot for someone to go no-contact in most cases, so that says a lot about ones character in my eyes. I myself am no-contact with my father.
Grow up. It's a hospice patient.
@@y2ksurvivorcry about it.
As a no contact kid who didnt visit my dad when he was dying you handled this very well. I get guilt tripped from my family a lot for this decision but he was abusive
I’m so sorry you have to deal with the aftermath of family drama. I never thought about this side of it and it makes me appreciate the amazing care givers out there even more. Lots of prayers and hugs. ❤
As a no contact child myself, I am not surprised at the parents response of entitlement. Thank you for being a mediator in such a difficult situation. So much respect for you not guilting the child of your patient🙏🏽 We don’t go no contact for a reason & we also mourn the loss of these parents long before their last breath.
Perfect way of putting it
Perfectly said! ❤
So well said❣️
Well said
Well said.
The fact that he told you that you should have ordered his child to come see him, I think, tells a lot about how he treated his children. You did the right thing.
Exactly!! Dying doesn't mean that you are automatically excused for what was probably a lifetime of hurt. His reaction speaks for itself.
To be fair, the guy is dying and is living with 24/7 hindsight.
Not really. Dying is the end. There will be no more opportunities for apologies or forgiveness, on either side. I know a woman who did not visit her dying sister. 5 years later the lost opportunity finally struck her and she deeply regrets not seeing her before she died.
yup if i was in that guys situation id ask the nurser to let my kids know and to tell them if they wish to come that is there choice but if not there is no pressure and i understand and id go with whatever the outcome is
my outlook would be id want them to have the opportunity if they felt they needed to come see me or if they wanted to
he on the other hand only seems to want them there for himself
@@birgittabirgersdatter8082Not everyone cares about forgiveness or apologies. Not everyone feels regret, especially for their abusers. People shouldn't give up their current peace of mind on the off chance that maybe, possibly, at some point in the future, they _might_ feel bad.
I'm also one of those "kids" nearly 40 who has no contact with my father. I'm sure I'll get one of these calls someday, likely through my mother of my sister. I will also not go home to see him. Even when we had a "good" (actually tolerable) relationship, he belittled me and made me small. I had someone at at an event say when I introduced myself, "I didn't know he had another daughter." They knew my sister, but in the years he had worked with my father I had never been mentioned, which spoke to my importance in his life.
It's been just over four years since I cut off contact, and I finally have something that I never had when I was in touch with my father, peace and happiness. I wish that I could have those things and have a father in my life, but I've discovered that's impossible, and I'm going to keep those things no matter what other costs there are.
When my mom was hospice I moved a tin of silverware. My mom screamed at me like she never did in my life! My friend was there, heard it and saw me sobbing. She hugged me and told me, she's not yelling at you, she's yelling at dieing. It helped me and I realized she was right. Bless you for the work you are doing.
As another no contact daughter- thank you. My parents were given far too many chances. I walked away for my own healing.
Same here.
Amen and Godspeed!
Same! Sending hugs to you ❤
Same
Same here girl! Stay strong and dont let people guilt trip you into thinking you need to forgive everything a parent does to you simply because they are your parent.
Same. I’m so grateful my n/c father didn’t contact me to tell me he was dying.
The fact that the patient told you that you "should have said he had to come" & then told you to get out like it was your fault tells me everything i need toknow about that patient.
You aced that situation.
Well done.
You respected and maintained healthy boundaries in all interactions... something most people don't manage.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Ah yes, because judging someone’s entire character based on how they’re acting at the scariest moment of their life, when they’re literally on their deathbed & facing all the unknowns is definitely the way to go 🤪 We also have absolutely NO idea what the “no contact” is about….maybe it’s due to a manipulative family member, lies, or a crazy misunderstanding. The fact that you’re pretending to know for a fact that the dying patient is bad bc they lashed out in a hospice hospice bed is peak comment section. Everything wrong with the internet
@@isitoveryet9525plenty of people on the brink of death manage not to be manipulative bullies. I don’t give a fuck how scared that old shit was. He should have been a worthwhile father.
@@thaloblue Let's just hope you never have to find out what it is like to die alone, then, shall we?
@@CherryGryffon ohh a veiled threat, a wish for bad things for another person, how lovely. No wonder you're mad they can see the behavior of another manipulator for what it is.
Your patient telling you to do that, then telling you that you SHOULD have Made him come and then kick you out? That tells you all you need to know.
My mother’s step mother wanted to see her when she was dying. My mom said no. This woman had tried to lose my mom in a big city when my mom was 8 years old. Another lady found her and brought her home. She did manage to leave my mom’s younger sister in an asylum, she suffered from epileptic attacks, my mother never knew what became of her younger sister.
My mom had no heart for this woman and what she did to these young girls in her care.
As a clinical psychologist and fellow healthcare provider, you absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for representing the best of us as healthcare clinicians. ♥️
I am also a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, and I agree. You handled it well. Keep up the good work!😊
Your communication, bravery and honesty are perfect. Protect yourself by not investing your emotions into your pts in their last days. Do everything you do without loving so much ❤
@@jujusma1434erHard to do ❤
There is not a single person who refuses contact with a parent for absolutely no reason. The reaction of the patient just proves what kind of person and parent that patient is.
Umm no. Parental alienation is a real thing and happens alot. Kids get brainwashed against the other parent.
@njcanuck nah that's just some myth spread by deadbeats who don't wanna pay child support
@@njcanuckI’m sure it happens - but it’s been an entire lifetime. If the father had been UNFAIRLY alienated, there was already plenty of time to prove that.
Obviously he didnt
@@njcanuckFun fact: the "child psycologist" who coined the term parental alienation syndrome was an admitted pdf and mlsogynlst. He believed men having inapproprite relations with their kids was natural, and that women were inheritly spitefuI and vengefuI and wanted to ruin the relationship kids had with their father. He created and structured pas into a legaI term to protect pdfs, and its still today a term used in the courts to dismiss child @buse allegations and protect pdfs.
@maxtravers1314 that's not what u said tho. You said there's not a single person who refuses contact w parent for no reason...
When old folks have no visitors, its safe to assume either everyone has died before them...or they died to everyone else long before they took their last breath 💯 People who loved people in the prime, don't end up old and alone when they're old, especially when the people they loved are still alive ❤❤
There is nothing easy being a hospice nurse. Thank you for the work you do.
The dude's response is exactly why the kid wouldn't come. I'm sure that kid has a lot of stories to tell.
Oh sure. No such thing as a rotten child.
As a child who has had no contact, you handled that with grace and compassion. This is what I would want for my parent.
100% RIGHT!
Yes - I agree too ❤
There’s a reason father and son were no contact in the first place and I’m so glad this nurse respected that.
You did the right thing. I'm on hospice and also no contact with my mother for at least 30 years. I'm a 47 year old female and have no plans to talk to her ever again.
Your patient should not blame you for his past. Most kids are not going to go no contact unless there's a really good reason. ❤
You did the right thing. I've been no contact with my father for over a decade. I thought long and hard on that decision. For my own mental health it is absolutely necessary. I saw him for the first time again recently at a funeral. My husband was kind enough to step in between us when my father tried to sneak a hug. I was civil and told him I hoped he was well and that I was sorry for his loss. I paid my respects and left.
The fact that he immediately tried to get you to guilt trip his son shows why he's dying alone. You handled it perfectly.
Literally exactly what I thought the fact this person instantly thought they had the power to DEMAND the other person to come is scary.
Also P.S.- the fact he told her to GET OUT is also concerning and probably speaks to who he actually is.
And that he immediately took it out on her
Ya probably, but also the person is dying and it's a scary thing and many want their families there too. So expecting someone to be emotionally intelligent facing deaths door isn't empathic either. But I love how she handled it as a no contact kid myself.
you know he wasn’t a good parent
“I have no idea what this person was like in the 80 years before I met them” is so huge!
I really appreciate that about her. I'm glad the hospital staff loved my dad. They saw the side of him I loved too. They didn't see his violent rages when I was a child. He, like a lot of people, was a complicated person.
As someone who is as no contact as possible with my father and would in fact have also said no, you absolutely did do the right thing, people don’t go no contact for no reason and you not trying to make the kid feel bad for that was the right move ❤
The fact that he could not respect your boundaries indicates how he has been with his family. You handled it beautifully, gracefully and respectfully ❤
As a no-contact person I thank you for respecting boundaries. I would be "no" as well.
Except she didn't respect boundaries. No contact means no contact. She can talk about respect all she wants but she doesn't know the wound she may have opened or whatever
right??? I'm very low contact and OMG it's so nice to not be guilt tripped to go see the toxic crappy person....
@@Eggy79 "no contact" but the patient is dying. Son was listed as a contact for a reason. If she hadn't alerted the son at all, they could've later complained to the facility. Unless it's clearly written in their policy exactly what "no contact" means and under what circumstances contact will occur, it's better to err on the side of at least informing the family of the patient's current status. 10 years is a long time to be in hospice.
@@Eggy79 no contact doesn't mean restraining order. It means no contact. And I think the child has the right to be offered the opportunity and the choice whether they want to visit their parent on their death bed.
Yeah this feels very grey.. I'm no contact but if my father was dying I would still appreciate the phone call. It would be a hard NO but worth knowing about
When kids go no contact, as I had to do with my mom, there are very good reasons. Thanks for handing things the way you did.
Yes! Came to say the same thing. It’s a sad situation, but it takes years and years of abuse (all kinds) for most children to come to that painful decision. Thank you for respecting all sides.
same
Every situation is different. Sometimes kids are lead astray by others that want to control them. Some kids make things up then start to believe their own lies. It depends on the situation. You cannot say that every situation has very good reasons. Some do not.
Sadly, some kids do put up with lifetimes of trauma & abuse before getting the strength to walk away, and I respect them for finding that courage. But there are also kids who cut off contact for petty, cruel, selfish & controlling reasons of their own too. And their can be misunderstandings as well. Family dynamics are complicated, because people are complicated 🤷♀️
I just wished you would've capitalized the words 'VERY GOOD REASONS' in your comment❤️🩹 As someone who went no contact with my mother & only sibling 9 years ago, and everyone thinks I must be the monster & deserve my suffering in poverty now-- folks don't know the LIFETIME OF HELL that causes someone to make such a drastic move. The local police, after encountering my mother's psychotic rage...said ' Run as far away as fast as you can.' I was 43. She told folks the only thing I'll ever get from her is my grave plot. VERY GOOD REASONS PPL...
As myself a non-contact child who's father died after not seing him for 17 years, I apreciate that.
Spot on job. As a no contact "kid" you're right, the other 80 years matter. People are capable of a lot of bad. It would likely bring more drama to the son, and possibly to the dad. You protected both of them. That's honorable.
I am a CNA. I work with the elderly and I say it all the time. Just because they are old,cute, and nice now does not mean they have been good people their whole lives. The way he threw you out? Manipulation and probably the way he has always been. His true colors just came threw.
So true! My mom worked in a nursing home and one of the patients was a murderer. Not just a murderer, but murdered their own children! Nice & sweet to me and all the staff as an elderly patient... Never would've guessed that about then in a million years
I mean he could have just wanted to be alone after the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. I do think it says enough that his kid refused but damm your comment is weird af, telling someone to leave YOUR room when you are bed bound and upset is NOT manipulation 😂
@@jennyhaslayer1396 yes and no, a gentle 'will you leave' possibly crying, rather than yelling, lol. But yeah, he could have dementia or something.....still..............sounds like you are justifying some unresolved anger issues you have......
he got bad news and communicated directly he needed to be alone. yeah he should've done it without yelling but dying is usually p messy with your emotions. manipulation would be if he told a dramatic story to trick her into talking to his son again or something of that nature, manipulation inherently involves deceit, and there's no evidence that he was being dishonest.
@@sapphita6099Pushing someone past their boundaries & theN telling them to "get out" when she is explaining what she is willing to do- is manipulation, IMHO.
As a nurse of 40 + years, you were right. It's not our job to fix families, but to give support to them. God Bless you.
Take off your top.
The fact that the patient told you to TELL the son he MUST come is an indicator that he still wants to control the situation and narrative. The fact said patient then made you feel bad just shows him to not be a nice person.
You have gone above and beyond in giving of your emotions so try to keep yourself from being used like this.
You are a kind and empathic nurse- but you must protect yourself!
There's always a reason someone's child goes no-contact as an adult. People put up with family more than with any other people in their lives, so it's never anything not-serious when someone decides to cut their parents (or other family members) out of their lives.
My parents are still alive, but I've resolved not to have any contact with them again. Even if I someday get a call from hospice.
The fact that he told you to get out and yelled at you for not listening to him tells you what kind of character he was to his child.
No. It really doesn't at all. It tells you what kind of character he was to his nurse, on one specific day, while in the midst of facing his own death.
That's exactly what I was thinking. He wants to disrespect his son's boundaries, guilt trip the son, blame the nurse, and get angry for the nurse for respecting someone else? He has no respect for his son or the nurse. What an awful human.
@@a_burning_rose you don't even know this person and yet youre going to call him an awful person over 1 bad experience with his nurse while hes on his death bed? I think if you worked healthcare youd undersatnd, most people are not very happy to be in the hospital lol
If Nurse Hadley didn't condemn this man for his behavior that day, then I think we should also be so understanding.
It's hard to not judge this man over this one occurrence with only knowing he's estranged from his son. I've done or said things I regret when I was upset before.
Obviously the man is in an emotional state when he knows he's about to die.
As a "no contact kid", we do often get the guilt trips.."life is short" etc and yes, which is why i choose to protect my peace...because before the peace was littered which chaos. Thanks for being a good nurse, and i think for what its worth..you did the right thing.
Some people don’t understand that saying “life is short” only strengthens my certainty. Yes, life is short, which is why I don’t want to spend any more years being subjected to abuse.
"You need to keep in contact! He's your father, life is short!"
"I hope his is shorter :)"
-The last words my great aunt and I ever spoke to each other after the dude finally caught prison time for his epstein tendencies. I am sick to death of managing the emotions of people whose feelies get all uncomfie when they have to consider that someone they like has hurt people that badly, and sicker to death of pretending that's the only reason they want me to shut up and act like nothing happened.
Exactly, life is short why would I waste time on someone that obviously could not have cared less? If family is so important, maybe they should have treated you right instead of expecting you to take BS. Goes both ways, but bullies and abusers won't acknowledge that.
@@Avendesoraalso, that come back was savage. 😂
Peace littered with chaos sums up things I had to endure. My mother's entire family including her own parents respected my no contact. Well...except my flying monkey sister. Finally told her I did not want to hear anything of our mother except that she died. I have no more energy to give the chaos.
As a therapist, the fact that the father said, " you should have told him he had to come," says a lot. The patient used his death as another form of control. It would have been more healing for the son if your patient asked you to tell his son " I'm sorry, and love you"
Bless you for being a hospice nurse. That’s a hard job and not many can do it. ❤
You did the right thing. Offering to deliver a letter was a perfect way to navigate the situation.
The son did not even want to write bye letter, that says it all..
The fact that he told you, someone there to help him, to get out gives a great deal of insight into his character and perhaps why his son wants no contact.
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to come in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry.
It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws.
Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out.
Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, peaceful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request.
People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment his father gave him.
I agree. Having been emotionally abused by a narc for many, many years, my red light started flashing right away. And, having also been the caregiver for 4 people who’ve passed from various cancers, I can say that while some may get cranky, not a one of them treated me in the way this person did to the kind nurse.
Not true. Assuming a healthy adult, people often want to be alone with sever emotions. Since this is an elderly hospice patient there could be many additional reasons.
Being told to get out may not be anything to do with the nurse! It might well have just meant I need to be alone right now!
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to visit in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry.
It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws.
Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out.
Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the current inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request.
People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment he received from his father.
Ir’s an 80 year old man. It’s likely He didn’t want to cry around a nurse (or any other person). I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt though. The yelling about it was a bit much. He could have asked more quietly (but he is dying and on very strong meds).
The fact that he yelled at you for not guilt tripping his son into coming just goes to show one reason why the son went no-contact in the first place
You absolutely did it the right way. I've been in some similar positions with my health, and if I had someone like you help me, it would have been handled the best way. Thank you for being so awesome!
As an ex-hospice nurse, had this happen multiple times and a patient fired me for it one time. You did right thing. Now do some self-care about it! 🧡
Thank you for your service work. That’s not easy🩵
Great advice! Thanks for being a nurse ❤
and the fact that he fired, you proves why his children went no contact
Getting fired is a blessing ❤
I don't think she was fired. Her patient needed space. I handle end of life matters and my clients do get upset and have asked me to leave. Not many... after some time away, they are always happy I returned. I'm here to vent to, care for and help find comfort.
The fact that he treated you that way, gives us a glimpse of what his son had to endure.
💯
.... Except the son likely had it much worse.Narcissistic types tend to treat the people closest to them the WORST since they're behind closed doors🥶.
Exactly what I thought, dying or not he had no right to put her in that position.
Like my step dad. He treats me like crap, he will apologize and do it again. But nobody else sees that
@@jessmcafee2557 Run for the hills, he's probably narcissistic.
If we've lived our lives with care, and nurtured the relationships we've had with respect, support, and grace for our family, our children would gather around us when we pass.
You did the right thing. My husband went no contact with his dad and when he was hospitalized, one of the times, a nurse made my husband feel horrible for not coming to see his dad. Another time, a nurse told my husband that she was just notifying him that his dad was hospitalized and that my husband didn't owe anyone an explanation of why he wasn't coming. It was such a weight lifted.
I'm really glad your husband was spoken to decently by the nurse the other time. It's one thing to know what you should do, to be validated for it makes all the difference.
The fact he said you should have told him he had to come is exactly the reason his son went no contact.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Sounds like a narcissist thing to say.
Plus yelling at the person that is there to take care of you, and help you, when things go south.
No wonder why the son doesn't want anything to do with them.
I mean, sure, the disappointment that you won't see them before you die can make you upset and maybe behave badly in the moment... But it's definitely a red flag
You all have no idea. Stop being so judgy. Maybe the sick man is just in despair.
I have had to cut off contact with toxic people in my life (not a parent, but others). I respect you for respecting boundaries and applaud you for standing your ground. The personality shift when the patient realized that he couldn't control his son just shows the type of person he has been for the last 80 years of his life.
Wow. A perspective I had never considered. Thank you for being willing to help and for sharing this difficult aspect of your already incredibly challenging career. ❤
As a no-contact person that is easily guilt tripped, you would have been the keeper of my peace here by not engaging in guilt. Thank you for the thoughtful work that you do.
It's also NOT HER JOB OR IN HER JOB DESCRIPTION TO INSIST ON relatives that don't want to come to come.
Personally I would be calling once or twice and after that if the called person didn't answer I am done.
As a hospice nurse I have a million other things I need to do.
As a no contact child, you did the right thing. My father tried to get my siblings to see him before he died. We didn't. He was a monster of a human being and the worst kind of parent a child could have. Someone from the hospital tried to guilt my sister into coming, until she explained exactly what kind of person he was, and then they apologised profusely. 🙃 I appreciate the work you do, thank you. ❤
I'm sorry you went through that I hope you're well and healing ❤
Ugh, I hate that. My dad's hospice nurses were the same way, which my mom encouraged. Nurses, just because a patient is nice to you, does not automatically mean they're a good person. Most abusers wear masks.
@@WobblesandBean I wish this was its own comment not a reply. More people need to read this! Being able to be charming is not the same as being a decent human being!
@@tfrtrouble exactly, my mom is someone that anyone she would spark convos with would be in total belief that she was a charming, funny, nice and helpful person but little do they all know, she was/is a monster behind closed doors. She is my example that if you don't move on from childhood trauma, you'll be a problem to the people around you.
And it the reverse situation - if the ill person doesn’t want a family member there respect their wishes. I also had a problem with a funeral home going behind my back contacting estranged family members. Make sure all your advance directives are in order and include a notarize a distribution of remains.
You handled that perfectly. It’s sad when parent/child relationships cannot be salvaged, but this man had to know in his heart that this was what would happen when you called
As someone with toxic no-contact family members, thank you. You are 100% right about not knowing how people have been their whole life. If it's too late to redeem the relationship, that's on the patient, not on you.
My mom was a hospice nurse for many years. To this day, she says the biggest lesson she learned in all those years was that you die how you live. If no one comes to your side in the end, chances are, you should’ve lived and loved differently.
Edit: Yes, I know there are exceptions to every rule. That’s a given.
She is right. Hope all of you are doing well 💝
Generally true, but not always.
@@lorineschocknmyer9671exactly 💯
@@lorineschocknmyer9671 Most definitely!! 🤍
That's not always the case.
You taught me something when my father passed that helped me enormously.
You’ve never met me and you probably never will. But you made a difference and it helped me. I’ve repeated it many times to others.
“You don’t owe people who abused you peace”
That's really beautiful. And true.
Something to think about for sure!
So true! I felt not but good riddance when my former stepfather died. He was abusive to all of us.
@@RosettaRedfeather Who said the dying person abused anyone? Maybe they were the abused wanting to offer forgiveness.
@@shirleyherman2835She didn’t say that. She was relating this situation to her own painful yet healing experience & used the opportunity to thank Hadley.
Ouch. I never even considered this as a possible aspect of end of life care! I love your calm, matter of fact demeanor.
Beyond absolute professionalism your sensitivity and appropriate response in offering the letter option was SPOT ON.
Ngl, I thought this video would trigger me as a no-contact child myself, but the respect you have for the son and patient at the same time is a relief. Thank you for sharing
Same! I needed to hear that. Cause I still feel guilty but the abuse feels and felt worse than my guilt.
She also usually gives the kid an option to know when the patient passes which I think is nice
Same
I get both sides. I would feel torn, also! but as a hospice nurse?? her job title is literally caring for her patients' final needs, comforting and caring for people who are on their deathbed... it makes sense for her as a non-involved professional to call the adult and say "I heard you weren't speaking to your father, but he wanted me to pass the message that he is dying, and would like to see you one last time." That seems fair, and not super traumatic (I know everyone is different)... much better than hearing from parent directly. And she couldn't know the details of their issues, she's just doing what she can do in a job that requires so much empathy, compassion, emotional toughness etc. It's one of those truly respectful "hard job, but somebody has to do it!" like Police, Teachers, Hospice Nurses, embalmers, military... etc
What’s NGL?
I am also a no contact child and I can tell you I have already mourned the death of people that are still alive… I refuse to make them feel better when they never granted me that
This is so hard! I too mourned my mom’s death before she died. Then when she did die I mourned it again. I hope you find comfort and don’t have to do it twice. I hope you have the love and support of those around you in case you do! ❤
You are a fool.
@@scarlettj0125 Same with my father, I told people that, to me, my father died a long time ago. I didn't mourn when he actually died, but the guilt ... like, should I have reached out, did he die thinking I hated him, why didn't he reach out, etc?
You're not wrong, we all make the best decisions we can with stay info is given to us. The only thought is, it's five to cut the toxic out but as you've said, why make them feel better with your forgiveness if they never did right by you. But no one will ever know if they realized what they did wrong and would have tried if you never allowed contact again. I did no contact with my mother from 16 til~26. Tried reconnecting, didn't get right back to a normal relationship. Very spotty. 4ish years later it was back to no contact. Point was that i gave her a chance as an adult, understanding full adult situation, how people COULD change but also understanding gaslighting, manipulation, how to decode the lies. Turns out she didn't really change and hey pattern was right back to 'me, me, me, me!'. I can live comfortably knowing i Gabe her a chance after she knew that i was capable of cutting her off. She had a chance to change, make ammends and know full well the consequences(alot say they will cut contact, few actually do). Even that wasn't enough to change her. So some really do just need to be dropped. But i want to believe that there is still a CHANCE in every person to actually change. VERY few will take it, but i want to believe it still exists.
@@109367 the guilt is still there with me too. I try to remember that I did what was best for me and my mental, emotional, and physical health, and for my future family. Sometimes that lessens the guilt.
I haven’t talked to my mom in 9 years and I don’t plan to again. Thank you for respecting his choice. I’m sorry you have to take the anger from your patient.
You did it exactly right. What you said about not knowing how they were for the first 80 years of their life is spot on. There is a reason that they're no contact. Great job. I know it's hard, but that son thanks you.
"Not my place to guilt trip" . I think you indeed did the right thing. I hope my family gets the high quality health care you provide. I love how you love this patient, care for his dying process AND hold yourself in integrity.
But she's only caring for his process and not the child's. A parent doesn't get to traumatize their child and then have someone else do it on their behalf just because they're dying. As a daughter of a toxic mother who would do this exact same thing, it bothers me that so many people are commending her for this 💔
You did a great job. The fact that the patient tried to guilt trip YOU shows why the son has gone no contact.
this !!!
Ummmm no it doesn’t! You can not sum up 80 years bec of a dying act. Have you ever been dying before, I have and you will try anything to get that comfort before you do. We have no idea what the reason is you assumed you did!
@@Wetzel983Thing is, you may have been dying, but I've been the grandchild of someone who died. Twice. One of them I was in contact with because I wasn't old enough to cut contact. The other, I wasn't able to be in contact with because I had to go no-contact with his wife, my grandmother. Both my other grandparents will die while I remain no-contact with them, as will one of my parents, and one day also my brother.
We can see in the video that the father is manipulative and controlling. As shown by his phrasing that she was echoing of "tell him to visit" and his insistence that she should've been more forceful with him. He also yells at her when she's just doing her best. If he's treating her like that, there's EVERY reason to assume he treats his own child as badly or worse.
Being on your deathbed doesn't give you the right to force someone back into your life who left to protect themselves. In fact, I have less respect for deathbed apologies than if someone just reached out for the sake of feeling guilty and wanting to apologise. If it took you being on your deathbed to realise you were an a**hole... I don't know what to say but "do better" - regardless whether that's you specifically or other people like the one this video is referring to.
Only you also kinda proved my point in your own comment. You said yourself that it was not about guilt or wanting to apologise, but rather, about your comfort and your feelings. And nobody who has cut contact owes you that. Nobody. You are responsible for dealing with your own emotions surrounding dying and you are the one who has to live with your own choices.
I recently found out that my ex's stepfather has cancer and might be dying. If he reaches out to apologise to me for things that happened 15 years ago, I actually won't be responding or open to it, because he's had this long to apologise and if it was really so important, he already would've. Now, it would probably only be to comfort himself and feel less alone while he dies and that's not my job and it's not my son's job.
You are responsible for mending those bridges BEFORE you are on your deathbed. Nobody owes you sh*t.
(Swear words edited because RUclips has flagged and removed comments of mine with them in it before.)
OH MY GOODNESS YOU POSTED THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN SINCE YOU POSTED IN FEBRUARY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MRS HADLEY AND YOU ARE THE REASON I ASPIRE TO BE A HOSPICE NURSE ♥️♥️♥️
No contact = no more lies, broken promises or harassment.
As a child of an abusive mother, I went no contact in 2006. Thank you so much for respecting the sons wishes!
I've gone no contact, no obituary, no funeral, and I am donating my body to science.
It's hard to be in the middle. I feel for you.
You did the right thing
@@wandafreitas6009 absolutely and she did the right thing 🙌
@@Bor1smyfamiliar running an obit is mandatory by law where I live. I'm glad you don't have to deal with that