Mormon Family Struggles with Mental Health Issues - Lance and Brandee Heppler Pt. 1
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- Опубликовано: 31 июл 2024
- Content warning: Self-harm
Join Lance and Brandee Heppler as they share their personal journeys in Mormonism and delve into mental health challenges they faced as they tried to be good Mormon parents. Lance talks about his orthodox upbringing in Oregon, his mission in South Carolina, and his panic of finding someone to marry before graduating from BYU. Meanwhile, Brandee struggles with feeling she doesn't "fit in" in at church due in part to her parents being converts and her undiagnosed ADHD, making her wonder why it seemed God made her too "rowdy" as a woman instead of more subdued and "proper".
Together they navigate the traditional gender roles expected of them as a married couple in the church while raising young children and serving in various callings. As they grapple with issues such as feminism and LGBTQ issues in the church, they also confront their own mental health struggles and the lack of support from the Mormon community. They share powerful insights about the often-transactional nature of Mormon relationships and the harmful effects that come from some teachings that associate mental health struggles with sin. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of the challenges faced by those raised in Mormonism and the impact it can have on mental health.
Episode Show Notes: www.mormonstories.org/podcast...
Lance & Brandee Playlist: • Playlist
CHAPTERS:
00:00:00 Intro & Intentions
00:04:30 Lance’s orthodox family, incl. a foster sister from the LDS "Indian Placement Program"
00:14:00 Testimony building experience around the Word of Wisdome (Mormon Health Code)
00:18:15 BYU and getting disappointing mission call to South Carolina
00:25:30 Mission experiences
00:27:00 Back at BYU: Bachelor friendships & Senior panic that he wouldn’t marry before graduating
00:29:00 Brandee is raised by convert parents, feels like a 2nd-class Mormon
00:34:30 “Mouthy” women and Mormon patriarchy.
00:47:30 Fear of alcoholism dating outside the Church
00:48:30 Ambitions for College, career & mission
00:50:00 Mission - Manchester England
00:52:10 Elder Holland broke the pulpit on her mission - missionaries “weren’t worth a teaspoon of camel spit”
00:58:00 The idea that you need Mormonism to have morality and happy families
01:08:15 Lance & Brandee meet & marry
01:11:15 Men always want to be high-leaders, women want to be the wives of those positions
01:14:00 Lance & Brandee discuss how women and sex are viewed.
01:20:00 Brandee's concern over potential future daughters to be shamed about sex etc.
01:22:00 The immediately have children w/ Lance in Dental school
01:28:00 Issues over callings, gender roles, LGBTQ, can't speak up
01:38:15 “Softening” of orthodoxy. Cracks developing
01:42:45 Lance keeps up appearances of full church participation
01:44:00 Kids are a reflection of your perfection & parenting skills
01:48:00 Brandee’s mental health declines
01:54:00 Lack of support & other issues for Mormons w/ mental health struggles
02:06:00 Trying to use the gospel to treat bipolar
02:10:00 Self-harm leads to a program that gets Brandee the help she needs
___________________
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Margi intuitively and patiently asks the right questions. She gets the tone just right. Her ability to read her interviewees is spot on. Brandee is amazing. A confident introvert. Candid reflective and credibly sincere. Candee and Margi are OG's. The hubbies are ok too.
Margi got that sixth sense about her guests what can I say
💯
Mental illness in the church has been such a huge problem. I was RS president and completely open about my depression and anxiety. I made sure I spoke about it often so that others wouldn’t feel alone. I really hate that the churches answer to depression is pray and get lost in service. If I can’t even get out of bed for me there is no way I’m going to get up for someone else, other than my kids.
Yes! I totally agree!!!
I agree with this . My kids I just about can carry on with things, but outside that its been a struggle from a kid to a middle aged man that iam now
Its all about mk ultra mind control was updated voice of God. Sciences and Engenering
This couple really touched me, I also see myself in their story. I am 55 now, I´ve been in the church since I was 16 and I ´ve had a hard life and some many problems and I´ve neve heard an advise from my leaders I have felt lonely. I was about to cry when I saw this incredible and real people. Thanks for all people involved in this podcast.
These are very generous people to share this much. I hope they understand how much they have helped and impacted me. I just realized that I have let someone I love tell me that my mental health issues are spiritual issues. I KNOW better than that, but I forgot! Thank you!
I hope you're feeling okay, Brandee. BP#1 in my family - cruel disorder. By sharing despite feeling exposed and uncomfortable, you will certainly have helped - will help - many people. Very generous. You did a good thing by sharing. Take care of yourself. Take care of her, Lance!
I appreciated her honesty so much.
Really liked these 2 ❤ I think your feelings grow as we grow as people. Thank you for talking about Mental Health so open & honestly. The more people talk about it, the more people become comfortable with conversating about it ❤
What an amazing episode. This couple have brought a very important message by talking openly about mental health issues. I lost my beloved younger brother to suicide. He had been diagnosed with depression but didn't follow up on treatment. He was ashamed. He worked at a large hospital so didn't submit his prescription for fear anybody would find out.
The LDS would benefit from joining the 20th century and acknowledging that mental health is real and has nothing to do with faith or lack thereof. Looking forward to tomorrow's episode.
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss and that he struggled in silence. Breaks my heart!! The Shame has slowly been lifted …. But yes, so much work needs to be done. The church is the one space that seems to be SO SLOW to move ( on lots of modern issues) I just hope we all keep pushing! Thank you for your comment and support. 🫶🏼
I lost a brother and son to suicide due to schizophrenia. 😢
Such an excellent story. There are so many damaging things in the church, but this unhappiness as moral defect is just the freaking worst. Having mental health struggles does not make you morally defective. All the prayer and righteousness in the world is not going to “fix” mental health issues, but the attitude that it can will certainly make them a whole lot worse.
Thank you so very much. And you are so right!
I like her, she's tough cookie. Love the bibs overalls.
While struggling with Depression, anxiety and panic attacks in high school, my Dad told me, "Wickedness never was happiness."
I hadn't remembered my early childhood SRA, yet.
My dad has passed, but it still stings.
I am so sorry :(
@@greg-op2jh I'm assuming, but since you're HERE, I'm sorry, too.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this episode.
Lance and Brandee are incredibly likeable. Brandee is hilarious. Lance is charming. Margie is as wise as she always is and John is actually having a laugh and having fun bouncing off them. Both he and Margie are. More interviews like this please, the time flew by so quick.
I totally agree with what you said! I think the chemistry with everyone was great!
This is so kind!! Thank you! We had such a lovely time, and you are so right about , John and Margie. They were just as you heard. Two of the best people. Created such a safe space to share our story. Thank you for you’re support too in sharing our story. Means so much!! ❤️
Such an incredible, honest conversation!
Thank you so much!! 😊
On Track Team in Oregon? That's a whole different level! I ran the hurdles in high school and it was so much fun! Track is how you can fly!
Thank you for sharing bipolar struggles. It has impacted my family and it is really hard, you can't pray it away. Glad brandee found the right meds.
I absolutely agree! I too am bipolar. I'm old enough that when I was diagnosed it was called manic depression 😔 the black he'll hole!
I am so glad that there is more awareness on mental illness. My husband struggle with bipolar his whole life. Unfortunately, his passed away in a tragic accident and never did get help. I used to beg him to go to the doctor and to therapy and her refused. My kids and I now talk about it and wish we could have known him on treatment. He would have been a completely different person.
I want You back.
God
As someone who has struggled with bi polar disorder and is also gay. This women was absolutely what I needed to her. I am so glad she shared her story with us it literally brought me to tears.
I have to say the three things he was doing was a lot just getting married, being a good parent/ husband, being a good Mormon which is a lot, and going to college full time, and working😰 that’s a lot for anyone.
Great interview! Thanks Brandee and Lance!
♥️thanks so much!!
John, I got a tickle out of you joshing with Brandee. You're always good natured but it's not often we get to see outright funny John. This episode was a study in still waters running deep, the way it evolved. Just wow... out of nowhere, and so, so valuable.
Awwww. Thanks Marcella!!!
Marcella, you are very insightful. John is very funny. Haha. I am so glad you listens. 🫶🏼
Howdy from the Holts! 😊 I had no idea Brandee was struggling so much with mental health issues. Wish I would have known. I understand now that the setting we were in made sharing next to impossible. The ideas you both expressed about the pressure to be perfect really resonated with me. I felt the same way the whole time we were "in". Hugs to you and your lovely family! ❤️
What?!!!! I love the Holts!! Hi Natalie!! Thank you so much! You guys definitely know how we feel. I think, as we were listening to Mormon Stories, that’s what stuck out to us. We weren’t alone in this journey!! So nice to hear you guys. ♥️♥️♥️you!
@@brandeeheppler3987 love you too!!! Listening to part 2 now and everything you and Lance are saying about Darby is bringing back all the same thoughts we have about our kids as they were coming out. If the church is making me choose between my kids and the church, kids win. 1000000% of the time. No hesitation. We really should start a support group! You KNOW we're not the only ones going through this!! 💔
@@natalieholt8477 I love the way you put your kids first. I took in an atheist teen when she was 16. Her mother was emotionally abusive, but agreed she could live with me to finish high school (she'd been promoted along the way). But they wouldn't sign FAFSA forms for her or help with college at all. In fact, when their three efforts to get her to return to the church failed, neither of her parents ever talked to her again. How could they abandon a 16-year-old? Because she was an atheist. To me, that's absolutely untenable.
Another stellar interview
Mormonism generates a-lot of guilt feelings.
I wish I had this moral family awareness in my family when I was young. Instead, I grew up with alcoholics who did not care about their family or me. The focus on families is what is great about the Mormon church. However, I would never join the Mormon church because I believe Joseph Smith was a manipulative scoundrel and made things up. Also, the Mormon church can burn you out and make you broke. There is too much pressure on young Mormon adults. I like the freedom of being a Bible based Christian. No pressure. Jesus said, "The first shall be last, and the last shall be first." No callings from a bishop, no need to climb up the ladder to heaven. Jesus still loves me ❤.
You are very smart Linda
Ty for sharing,these conditions need constant attention.
Great episode! I'm Bipolar myself. Untreated Bipolar is an awful place to be.
My son has bipolar 2 omg he was doing horrible it took forever to be diagnosed properly
One branch of my family is rampant with alcoholics. An aunt was murdered, and she was so drunk she couldn't identify her killer. Even unto the generation below me, addiction is rampant. Because two contemporary relatives were diagnosed as bipolar, we look at all those other relatives as people who had no way to treat their illness or manage it. Some were lucky and weren't bipolar; more of them were probably bipolar and alcoholics. I showed an article to my mother about her aunt Kate being committee to the state hospital for postpartum depression and she replied "I thought she was one of the normal ones." In other words, she didn't become an alcoholic.
I enjoyed listening to Brandee and her story. ❤️❤️❤️
So kind!! Thank you so much! ❤️
Hey Brandee shout-out to Tacoma, I'm from Lakewood, I lived next to the American Lake
The second interview is really good, I loved how their children found their own testimonies though their own personal life experience outside of the church, it's talks like these that remind me that I don't have to prove my worth to be in tuned with God & my connection to the holy spirit, I left the church in January, but I feel closer to the savior & my family around me
What I have seen happen with Mormon Women is postpartum depression.
Great episode 👏
They are such a cute couple. I was amused at how they tease each other.
Thank you so much for this ❤
very relatable
Many churches provide social connections and community: Catholic, Episcopal, Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, etc. No one church owns the monopoly on creating community/teaching of sound principles.
Amen. 🙏🏻
My cousin said he had perfect parents. They were inactive Presbyterians.
Loved this episode. I have OCD and I can relate to the mental health struggle within the LDS church culture.
At the risk of sounding jaded, I suspect that Mormons also go into dentistry and orthodontics because it's one of the more superficial medical careers. Your perfect stock photo family isn't complete without perfect stock photo teeth, after all. I'm absolutely not trying to diminish the value of good teeth--I wore braces for years and I literally wore my retainers last night. But we live in a society where it's a status symbol to have access to good dental care, and it absolutely fits with Mormons striving for the perfect outward appearance.
Great episode!
What a beautiful couple inside and out. Thanks for sharing your story as an “ordinary” person to you both, I enjoyed listening and learning from how you navigated life.
As a similar mouthy woman... I fought the stereotypes of a bishop's daughter all during high school... sometimes head on and telling other adult women off when I felt they were too judge. My dad pulled me aside when I was 18 and told me to get a good education because I probably would have a hard time finding a husband and would never be able to be a secretary, because i didn't like taking direction, lol.
Brandee, I went to the ‘M’ too!! 84-85, back when guys did 18 month missions!
In the German church magazine the Ensign there are pictures of members who are going on missions. It was very well known that the pretty women will probably be called to Salt Lake City temple square mission.
Here in Canada, too. Which speaks to the ongoing PR machinations and Church culture preference given to outward appearances over substance.
I had similar problems in Sunday School and Relief Society. My opinions were a bit too liberal so either I spoke up and felt judged or I'd just sit in the back row and think to myself, "That's not right. That can't be true."
It got so uncomfortable that I asked to be put in the nursery.
wow. Manchester England. I served in this mission as well. loved it.
From same Era. Left at 20 but totally relate.
Hey John, you are coughing a lot lately. Are you ok? Have you been to the doctor? I’ve had a mystery 6 month cough myself. Just a tick on my worry meter for you. ❤
Thank you for bringing this up about John. I’ve noticed this coughing too as new episodes come out but the. I started listening for it in older episodes. As far as I can tell it’s been happening at least a year now but possibly 2! We’re all really hoping you’ve asked you doctor about it or will in the near future John.
Thinking the EXACT same thing. It’s been there for several months if not longer. a little worrisome!
I’ve been concerned about his coughing, too.
Haha I like Brandee. Lance too.
I like how John tries to stay positive with the church and it’s benefits for the nuclear family. Margi was probably right that’s it’s a facade, but still.
34:30 I had several similar experiences where people in my wards would say that we're cool, but I would here that they would talk about me or even when I would be at FHE or church activities they would treat me like I'm not there, but when it's me and them alone we're friends again and I went to my bishop about it and he told me the church is perfect but the people aren't & that I go to church for God and that getting friends was just a bonus, your not alone, throughout most of my 6 years as a convert I only talked to members of the bishopric
I love Margi episodes. I'm a never-mo and I think we'd be great friends.
I can't help thinking 🤔 that a lot of these people had positive experiences with Mormonism and at one point the church was working for them. Totally opposite of my experience with Mormonism when I was in the church.
I feel like the chaos I our world definitely makes us stronger and happier if a person is able to stand up for what is right. Having the strength to be diligent and hopefully can make a world of difference in the healing process . There are so many amazing people that are dealing with mental health problems definitely need support and help to have a quality life .
This couple is awesome !!
I was in the England Leeds Mission 88-90. Clarence F Robison was my mission president. All his life lessons were based on Track! LOL!
Very Interesting Couple ♥️🤗
People, places and purpose are the treatment required to heal from the distress of being different. The Mormons substitute conformist dogma for meaning, and the losses are legion.
I understand this. This was honestly my trepidation of doing anything. Lance isn’t a talker and I am. I apologize and hope you get something out of the next one.
You did fantastic!
Lol on “𝙼𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚢 Mormon “ 😂
Just love and appreciate Margi
Some mental illnesses are biological and others are psychological. Some have elements of both. Even with depression some are biological and some are situational. Some are both. Even post-partial depression is somewhat common. That isusully from hormone imbalance.
the church has never taught practical stuff 'day to day' i get those teachings from mainstream christian teachings. joyce meyer taught me a lot of valuable stuff
Joyce Meyer is another scammer
I'm pretty sure there are a ton of Scientologist dentists and chiropractors too. Lol.
I like her. She is really funny.
Like the rest of society, church members are paralyzed when it comes to discussing mental health. We are fortunate in my stake that many leaders do have direct experience in dealing with mental health issues in their own family. We also have a psychiatric nurse in the ward, so discussing mental health is more open. But overall we do need to do a better job with discussing mental health problems. If 20% of the population will suffer from it at some time in their life, then we all need to get better educated on how to treat it in open conversation. We also need to work of de-stigmatizing mental illness.
20%? It's around 50%. More prevalent than it seems.
I’m watching this interview and have to say the body language of Lance is so telling! He tells his story and is so confident and arrogant about how important he was in his life journey! Then Brandee tells her story…..Lance moves away from her and has a look like don’t tell that story please! He is not comfortable with her life story because it doesn’t fit his image!
Huh?!?!?
I saw that also
I see what you mean, Yvonne T. I initially thought that Brandee would do very little talking. But then. She turned out to be something of a dark horse. I was completely stunned when she actually started talking (very calmly and with precision). I think she's amazing. I've become an instantaneous fangurl. She's a straight shooter, quick witted and deflects 'puff' talk with humour. She's very neuroplastic in her delivery and responses.
Is that John coughing in the background? Is he ok?
Deconstruction......this will help others deconstruct.....nice job.
I really like this channel. But DAMN, I want to hear about the mental health stuff. Not enough focus on the topic.
Is this money going to the church?
I didn't make it to the end of this video (I wish it would have been shorter without all the nonrelevant content/stories), but I can relate to a lot of this even though my religious background is different. I finally broke free of religion and found Jesus!
Will we see a follow-up assessment of the mental health problems within the alphabet community to balance it all out?
Someone needs a cough drop stat. 😮
1:37 in..and she lost me. This generation is weak. There is no way she can even justify or prove otherwise.
I want You back.
God.
Wish Brandi did not dominate the discussion then never finish a thought and go off into the weeds in more unfinished thoughts… tiresome…
It’s called Attention Deficit Disorder.