Is Infidelity Unavoidable? | Personality and Risk Factors
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- Опубликовано: 20 июл 2024
- This video attempts to answer question: Can I describe infidelity in terms of personality theory and give advice on how it can be prevented? Infidelity is when somebody violates the expectations of a romantic relationship. Infidelity is the leading cause the relationship termination and is widespread. We know that about 50% of men and 35% of women will have at least one affair at some point in their lifetime.
To understand personality here, I'll be using the five-factor model remembered through the acronym OCEAN: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Someone who would be more at risk to have an affair would tend to be high in openness to experience (intellectually curious, appreciate the arts, have a lot of imagination), low in conscientiousness (not very well organized and maybe, impulsive in terms of making decisions) high in extraversion (a lot of positive emotions, friendly, outgoing, assertive in social situations), low in agreeableness (uncooperative, tending not to trust other people), and high in neuroticism (tending to be angry, depressed, anxious, and feeling vulnerable)
Gibson, K. A. V., Thompson, A. E., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2016). Love thy neighbour: Personality traits, relationship quality, and attraction to others as predictors of infidelity among young adults. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 25(3), 186-198.
I live by the golden rule. To cheat on someone is to humiliate them. Don't be a coward; leave the relationship and move on if you need to be with someone else.
.. and ladies remember, married guys rarely leave their wives, however much they say they intend to.
Oh ok, makes sense. I was confused for a second because there are so many different "golden rules." I was thinking, "What does 'thirty minutes or less' have to do with this?"
What if we legalize have other lovers o sexmates
@@nothingnobody565 Why do you need to legalize it? You're a free person. Just go find a partner who also wishes to be in an open relationship if that's what you want.
Guiseppe Riggio ok... did you watch the video?
I'd rather be alone than to be with a person with a cheating heart.
Thank You
Dr.Grande ✌️🤓👍
You're welcome!
I agree...100!
Love how you put that and i couldnt agree more..
While I certainly understand the sentiment, I can tell you from personal experience that spending 30 of one’s 30-1/2 years as an adult entirely alone sucks enormously if you have any desire whatsoever for a relationship with another. I’m not sure I’d say either is more desirable than the other as they both suck!
@@ethanpoole3443 its better to be alone, solo, than have a partner and feel alone.
I can definitely identify something that would be right up near the top of the list of ultimate betrayals, though I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s the one true ultimate. I would say it would have to be a two-part betrayal. The first part would be lying to the other person in order to manipulate them to cause some other situation to work out in your favor; and doing it many times. The second part would be, after getting caught and exposed, incorporating the exact same type of manipulation into your acknowledgement of fault and corresponding apology. So that the apology itself was just another way to trick the other person into being your tool yet again. The reason I consider this to be a nearly ultimate betrayal is that it absolutely precludes the ability of your victim to ever trust you again. You have not only damaged their faith in you, but you have damaged the mechanism by which their faith might one day be mended. So there’s no path back. Other types of betrayal seem to have a path back toward trust. Even turning a friend in to the police and getting them incarcerated is something that could be forgiven. But concocting ongoing manipulations, and then using your apology as just another opportunity to manipulate… there’s no path to rebuild trust after that. Additionally, I could've gotten hurt from the impact of been cheated on. I'm glad that i got to know ASAP, through Barryinvestigation@gmail. com and I appreciate the content you put out for us .
Brilliant explanation
Distancing, good point. I have heard someone say if someone hangs around a barber shop long enough they will get a haircut.
hahaha
True
Yes I think that might apply here
Or be just like Pence and close your eyes
Dude I was wondering the same thing...maybe throw some water on that bed head
Bottom line ... it comes down to a moral choice. Temptations are always out there. It finally comes down to a choice.
I learned eventually that if you want to avoid going through a certain door, don't put your hand on the door handle. In other words, don't go to coffee with that person you feel sexual chemistry with even if you think it's harmless. Don't take them soup if they're sick. Let someone else be there for them
That's smart very smart😉
@@MsCoolGemini i would say it seems like it should be common sense but some of us have to learn things the hard way 🤦♀🤣
@@whittenaw yep 20/20 hind-site is a pitfall. No one ever mentions having 20/20 foresite.
You are absolutely correct. However, marriage is a complicated relationship and individuals are as well and when that chemistry hits you, something, somewhere has made you open to it and its almost impossible to ignore. It's not even the physical. Sometimes it may be but at other times, there are other underlying problems that aren't being dealt with or addressed for some reason and maybe one partner cannot accept changes that the other has to make in their lives in order to be healthy and okay (I worked with such a woman who cheated on her husband because his doctor was telling him he had to re-think his priorities work-wise or he would get sicker and sicker and then die young. And the husband was very much a people person but his work was very isolating. When he tried to discuss this with his wife, she absolutely shut him down. Myself and another woman at work heard no end of how irresponsible etc her husband was. The one was married in a good marriage and I am divorced. The third ended up having this crazy affair, while having fertility treatments with her spouse and used no protection with either man etc. You get the picture. But after the first few weeks of how wonderful the other man was, suddenly it was the identical same complaints that she'd had about her husband and that he didn't give her enough gifts etc. She used to announce to the entire workplace that 'If only my husband would die, I'd be mortgage free!' but she was never going to leave because she loved the lifestyle that killer job was providing for her. The other guy got smart fast and ended this on his part.) Neither man deserved the way they were viewed and treated by her but even without or before the cheating, there were doors of communication bolted shut between them and anything that might change her preferred lifestyle was 'irresponsible'. I cannot fathom his desperate aloneness. Well, I can actually. All too well.
If you've got sexual chemistry with someone else, your relationship is already over
Social media is a big factor in infidelity these days!
Ease of access. Most people give in to temptation if easily available, depending on their proclivities of course.
Yes, X went on dating and affair websites and posted ads CL, found a partner there.
Became very abusive to me. He was on those sites everyday for hours in morning and nights. Once in the affair he began trips to meet her and she came to our city as well. That creates so much abuse, emotional, financial, etc.
And dating apps. It makes it easy for anyone to constantly stay on the hunt.
I dated before social media and I would say no. Social media means there is a record. But there was plenty of shitty behaviour before it was recorded.
Indeed. Now others can see that you have contact with person x you're cheating with, there are texts others can read (if they want to) and person x can block or unfriend you if they want to and you're going too far. How the good old days were better, right?
I don’t understand how you can trust a person romantically if they’re flirting with you while in a marriage/relationship. It’s as if the person who engages in the behavior is idiotic as well.
That's the bottom line isn't it? If they cheated on the other person they will cheat on everyone.
I'm not a big fan of Dr. Phil but he had a saying that I totally agree with: if he'll do it with you he'll do it to you. I have never been attracted to any man in a relationship because it shows bad character on both sides and bad character is a turn off to me.
If your partner expects fidelity you must not cheat, and if you intend to cheat you are obliged to break up with them first. If you fail this basic life imperative you should not be in any sort of relationship at all. Not open, not casual, not marriage. Nothing. If you aren't mature enough, you simply need to make some changes in yourself.
I was broken by girls in the past .I agree with your statements.
Exactly...100!
My ex narc gf was so steadfast about not cheating and was cheating from what I gather the whole time
Idealistically naive.
@@TheSolasion or just someone who acts with integrity and good character. Sure it's almost expected for people to cheat when they are young, but if you have EMPATHY and a conscience then you realize how it could make them feel, and oftentimes have been cheated on at some point in your youth and remember how it made you feel. So, once you get into your adulthood people should've learned this lesson and grown a backbone, and some moral fortitude. Just date or be in open relationships if you are by nature promiscuous. In our current climate there are plenty of people that can lease the car without owning it and be perfectly fine. The worst person someone can be dishonest with is themselves!
I do not put myself in a position to cheat. I also know what it is like to be cheated on, and would never do that to someone else. It hurts.
i am older, so have an easier time with this, but I don't want intimate relationships for this very reason. I think love is never wanting to hurt your partner. Ever. So commitment is 100%, above and beyond all things. It doesn't matter that you're attracted to another. That goes away over time, or it isn't 'all that' over time. And then you're stuck with having created a horror show for both yourself and the person you have hurt. This is so important, and I have zero desire to hurt another in that way anymore. I don't want to put myself or anyone else in that position anymore. But as I say, I am older, and dont mind being alone. I'm comfortable in my skin. But knowing all that I know about my past and how I now look at everything, I have to agree with Dr. Todd in his assessments. You just have to stay away from the thing that tempts you. Period. And get over it. You're not all that, and they're not all that. But not hurting another and yourself IS 'all that'.
Perhaps you are one of those naturally polyamorous people and just need to find someone who is the same?🤔
@@BeesWaxMinder Perhaps. Or no one. i love myself, and not in an egotistical or narcissistic fashion. I am my friend. If someone happens to strike me, and vice versa in that certain way, or in whatever way it is...then I will examine and act at that time. But I'm not looking. I'm trying to keep at 'be-ing'.
@@dougdoesall 👍
I completely agree
Well said!!
I think a lot of cheating comes from selfishness. The wanting to have your cake and eat it type mindset
And instincts. People can say what they want and talk about morals, but to say no in the real world if you are highly attractiv is something else. It’s like most people who win the lottery are broke after 10 years. But before they win they fantasise that it’s gonna last a lifetime. Reality is that they didn’t have the reallife skillset to handle the pressure of withstanding desire and short term gratification. Most in the comment’s are talking bullshit and lack the insight and humility to understand human nature. When we have food and water, we don’t think about it. But when we lack and suffer it is all we think about
Captain obvious
Such a stupid phrase said wrong by so many. Why would I not want to eat my cake if I had it?
@@Bynxandethan it means "you want to still have your cake even though you've eaten it" ie. you want to have the best of both worlds - in this case, you want to keep your marriage and have an affair on the side at the same time..
@@Amy_M_G i know what the phrase means. I just think its a dumb phrase lol. Much like I think, "you've made your bed now lie in it"
I've heard infidelity, especially adultry, is emotional murder. I have to agree.
Oh that is it! Thank you for posting this.
Very interesting! It happened to me and I haven't been the same person since. This happened a very long time ago.
I’ve got an “old fashioned” marriage and I like life that way. The compliments I receive from and give to men are gracious. They are made in public because I don’t have private meetings with other men and I don’t allow anyone to be “fresh” with me. Love from Australia 🇦🇺
god bless u for it.
@S Anderson No-one is disputing that. But that's not really a "private meeting" is it, where you prearranged the date and time for some shenanigans
A Round Orifice in Nothingness 😂😂😂
True blue.
Way to be in a serious relationship and or marriage.
I have been cheated on, but I have never cheated on anyone. It has no appeal to me. If I feel like I want to be with someone else, it usually serves as a strong indicator of how I am feeling about the relationship, and that means talking to my partner, not cheating on them. Having been cheated on, I know how painful and crushing it is to know my partner did that. How much anxiety, frustration, and hurt it causes. Cheating is more painful than being broken up with, because at least when someone breaks up with you, there is a level of honesty associated with it. When someone cheats, all of the trust is lost. It can leave you in such a vulnerable and painful place. It is horribly unfair, and cruel.
Very good insights. The pain, and shock of this kind of betrayal is like nothing else. Especially if there honestly isn't a problem with the relationship, (as far as you knew) and it hits out of nowhere, didn't see it coming, like that. It causes mental and physical pain. Serial cheaters are the worst. Usually you find out they were like that with others, too. I would never want to bring that kind of pain on anyone else. 💖
Sorry to hear that, hope you're feeling OK nowadays :)
You described it so well
Okay, not a troll question. I'm being sincere.
But if being cheated on is worse than being broken up with then why not just break up with the cheater and call it a day
My husband has a physical disability which has precluded sex since about the fifth year of our now 21 year marriage. It has been at difficult at times. I completely agree with Dr. Grande in the danger of putting out those initial signals of marital dissatisfaction or interest for people to whom one is attracted. I am somewhat introverted which I believe has been helpful in that regard. My husband and I have a son who we both love very much. The desire for our son to experience a stable upbringing has been a powerful motivator in avoiding ‘playing with fire”.
Admirable.
Incredibly admirable. You are a rare one .
Your story sounded like mine. Just like it even the parts about my husband being disabled so he told me sex was hard for him but after watching & learning about narcissist I learned that my husband said that he couldn't have sex but guess what he just meant with me. So I can tell you keep your eyes open and remember when you want someone truly want them you will find a way to make sex happen.
So beware in case if that's a lie cause sex heals.
Good luck.
@@nextlevelalchemy2478 Agreed. This sounds extremely suspect. Even quadriplegic men can still have sex with the help of basic medical assistance medications and devices. There is no disability in the world (short of not having a penis at all) preventing sex that medical science cannot fix. Even hypothetically saying there was there are still toys and fingers and hands and mouths and all sorts of creative ways you can get around a disability to create intimacy if the desire to do so is there.
Agreed. Although it can be helpful to share feelings and hear about solutions, usually, when you put out negativity about one's spouse in most settings, one often gets one's feelings reinforced, rather than solved, and potential negative actions feel more justified. It usually makes it harder on the spouse as well as the couple. Children may be casualties in all the gossip. And, seeking alternatives may increase self-worth but also decrease one's value of one's current partner too. That is, one is less motivated to work it out. Ideally, a disgruntled partner is talking with and working things out with a partner -- not 3rd parties. Of course, there can be reasons to leave a partner or seek help etc.
I like that you point out one thing and that one thing is very obvious. Affairs don't just happen. People don't just randomly have sex one day. A lot of time I hear people talk about infidelity they describe it like they were just going about their normal day and suddenly they had sex. Like that's even a thing. It's nearly impossible to cheat unless you flirt first. And even then it's very hard to actually cheat unless you set up the situation.
I know the type. I married someone who I was prepared to get cheated on by, but I had faith that my unconditional love make a difference. What a rookie mistake haha
At least you can laugh about it, now, sort of. Hey, most of us have been in your shoes, at least once. We survive, right? 💕
But you gave that someone The benefit of the doubt and you were open.... To many people get bitter over this shit
Oh my friend, never adjust with dishonesty in a romantic relationship. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED BACK.
@@MrDasfried and rightfully so!
From working in a huge male dominated corporate, I agree with all of this, it's very often Type A men with a high sex drive & low boredom threshold who live for the thrill of the chase: & its feeding his ego & narcissism too of course .
Low boredom?
@@marcelobasilio3786 they get bored quickly
I suggest you get interested in evolutionary biology.
Exactly...type A's are easily bored, love the "game" of getting the attention of a beautiful woman, chasing women, and then scoring...they're high on testosterone and winning.. This is exactly what my cheating ex explained to me.
@@marcelobasilio3786 low boredom threshold*
Infidelity is the keeping of secrets. Plain & simple!
nearly all bad actions start with bad thoughts.
Exactly!
Having been in a 25 year marriage, I think another factor that diminishes attraction to others is the ability to understand, compromise and roll with the tough times in a relationship. Those challenging times can create "critical moments"for wandering but they don't need to if love is in the mix.
The infidelity of several men in my life completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence. I can only trust myself
I'm really sorry to hear about that. There are many men out there who would never do that, but the statistics don't lie, a lot of men just will be as faithful as their options. I hope you are able to meet some good men to restore your faith, even if only as friends. Take care.
The strangest thing I've heard in regards to cheating, besides 'it was just sex', was 'she/he broke up the family just because the husband/wife cheated'. It's like they don't understand what it is to cheat on a marriage or relationship that has children involved. Like, damn...
In many cases the cheating is just the tip of the iceberg..
So the sample was of under 26 year old college students? That's a very highly sexed and immature sample and would probably skew the results. I'd prefer to know about middle aged infidelity.
Yes same here though the doc did add you have to add those in and expect more like 79% may cheat....I am naturally a more suspicious type due to certain factors in life and that stat doesn’t help! ...lucky I’m not looking atm. As someone once advised me in my 20s; always be true to yourself first.
Middle aged people are just as shitty
@@jeffkoe310 I find that most people have very immature expectations of marriage. Both parties often feel that the 'honeymoon period' is what happens for the next 20 -30years. But roles and responsibilities continually change in adulthood which has an effect on lifestyle, time/money available, stress management etc. Many couples who met each other in a 'partying' mode and their romance was filled with socializing and partying (or sports), often expect to maintain that lifestyle post marriage and children. Or, often one person matures - sadly usually the female because she mothers the children, and the other person wants to continue functioning like a teenager. The other commonality I find is that most couples do not talk about their values and often suppress their own needs (if they are aware of them), to maintain the relationship prior to marriage. For example, the woman wants 2 children and the husband 5 children. Only when they get to him wanting the third child, does she finally confess or, she still does not reveal that she really does not want more children and then begins resenting her husband, herself, and her children, as more of them come along. I have come across a few cases where the woman no longer wants sex after having children and is quite happy for her husband to find other sexual partners, as long as he stays married and fulfills his other marital duties. The men are usually happy to do this and I know men who love their wives dearly and claim that they will never separate from their wives.There is huge danger in this of course - with the man separating emotionally over time with at least some of his interests being placed outside the home. I wish there was a longitudinal study that would investigate this. I have not done a search for this particular issue. If anyone has done so, please put the link in a comment?
I agree, I think that an article which would have studied mid-life crises would have been more informative.
Older people tend to cheat much more. Look it up
Great post as always, Doctor. Another dimension to this I've heard is that some cheaters want to get caught so that their spouse will end the relationship. They don't have the courage to do it themselves, but they want out for whatever reason. Seems counter-intuitive for anyone to want to get caught with infidelity, but it happens.
Must suck when the spouse forgives them and chooses to stay 🤣
The narcissists are great at endless cheating .
Seen this. Often Men do it. Cowards way out.
Other cheaters are great liars. Which my cheater was, he will lie untill the day he dies. Good thing that he is my ex now and I don't care anymore what he says and what he lies about.
Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, especially for women. That's my experience anyway.
“to expect a bad person not to harm others is like expecting fig trees not to secrete juice, babies not to cry, horses not to neigh-the inevitable not to happen. What else could they do-with that sort of character?” - Marcus Aurelius
excellent quote. I love me some Stoic.
Christina H. Cultured as well I see.
Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.
James 3:11-12
Which came before Marcus Aurelius
@@P_steez everyone is cultured, we all have our own culture based on our roots, upbringing, environment. You cannot not have a culture. You just happen to approve of hers.
@@MeMe-mt6xv good one. 🙂
This is inline with what Catholics are taught or at least were taught at one time: Avoid the near occasion of sin!
You better say that!
Yes, we're still taught to avoid the near occasion of sin. It is also part of our Contrition Prayer during Confession. When we pray it, we'd better mean it too! We don't have the luxury of claiming, "The Devil made me do it!" The Devil can give us ideas & temptations, but it's our free will to act on those.
In my faith, we believe in traditional marriages. Any infidelity is cause for divorce, if the innocent partner wants it.
Seems like it does not have a huge efect on Either the people or the clergy...
@@h.borter5367 what faith is that? Sounds great and like my own..
"Never tell me the odds." - Han Solo
Those numbers. Yikes. Y I K E S. How does one enter into romantic relationships at all knowing those numbers?
Date in your 30's.
Probably because most people don’t like or want to be alone so they will take the risk
People suck
Just don't.
Very few good things come with low risk. High risk high reward.
Thank you. I'm saddened to see entitlement, narcissism and social media certainly exacerbate infidelity. My husband says he starts to talk about me or our kids when a colleague gives signals
so true. I'm glad for you
I know a married guy who does that. Meanwhile his hand is on the small of your back
I could never imagine cheating on someone. The thought that they could find out and the emotional damage it would do to them would prevent me from ever acting on any thoughts I had about others. When my parents broke up it devastated my father. I would never be able to do that to someone.
Infidelity in a committed relationship is emotional abuse. I've been in relationships I wasn't happy in but the very least you can do is be honest and discuss the situation before bailing out. Shagging around behind your partner's back is selfish, narcissistic and malicious.
So, if the study indicates that the only reliable factor to predict if someone will cheat is attraction, then that kind of makes us face an uncomfortable truth that potentially anyone could cheat...? People separate themselves from "cheaters" a lot as if they're their own species, but especially after watching this video I think the only difference is having the responsibility to establish boundaries.
I think you hit the nail on the head... From my experience, the more someone claims “they would never do that” the more likely they will...
Agreed. In my view it is in our primal tendencies to be unfaithful; the one thing that stops us is our own sense of self-control through reason that we developed through evolution. It's an old fashioned reward centre vs prefrontal cortex debate.
@@Ricard1807o This is not true of everyone. Physical attraction means nothing to me unless I have feelings for someone, and I'm sure I can't be the only one. I've met some very attractive girls over the years, yet despite being single I have no desire to actually have sex with them. Unless I feel like she's "the one" I just can't do it.
Marianna Agh kolloko
Ooll
Relationships are based on mutual respect. Cheating is the ultimate disrespect. Start by not putting yourself in situations that might lead to shady business or that others could construe as shady. I don't accept friend requests from strangers who think I'm cute for example... Why would I?? I don't know you??! I don't need new make friends who are attracted to me .. just think, actively love your person,, cultivate your current relationship. Put all the energy you'd put into an affair into them and you'll be pleasantly rewarded:)
I think the 'critical moment theory' and 'positive urgency' accurately describe some causes and the mechanics of features that can lead to infidelity. Another method, besides outright avoidance of that person of interest (sometimes avoidance is not an option i.e. work partners that share a workspace), is using Mindful Awareness. Attraction is still a sensation, and being an objective observer of that thought (feeling or urge to cheat), sometimes, takes power away from that impulse. Better to bring awareness to thoughts themselves, be they positive or negative, in order to make room for a wise choice of action.
'AWARENESS'.....emotional 20-20 vision? sometimes cold clinical analysis IS the best way to navigate through this life.
Sure beats blindly stumbling into TRAPS all the time.
Oooohhh nice insight.
Boundaries, boundaries…. I believe in boundaries. It all starts as a friendship.
In my opinion extroversion really has a high chance to lead to infidelity. Especially if the other partner is an introvert. In an introvert/extrovert relationship the extrovert partner usually has more (potential) opportunities for infidelity.
My rule has always been, if you have to hide it from your partner to get away with it, it is probably cheating to some degree.
If you wouldn't be comfortable behaving in a certain way around another person, in front of your partner, then it's cheating.
I love hearing Dr. Grande talk about love. Makes me remember what it felt like. The ferocity of it. People tend to say, 'you'll love again'... buuut...some can't. Care about others, sure, but deep romance, "true love," is incredible and incomparable. Back then, the thought of being cheated on filled me with dread, it would have been life-ending. Nowadays the thought hardly phases me. Then again, I don't think I'll ever enter into another relationship. Rather pointless and all too much work. And for what. I miss my love. But it's gone. It is what it is. Flowers on a headstone.
Well, that is sad. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're the EXACT type of person who should love again. A lot of people are looking for someone like you. Trust me, it can happen again. Just takes time. 💖
I'm on the same boat
I empathize with you.
Yes! I always felt one of the baseline signs of respect you owe to your SO is not talking poorly about them. If you genuinely think poorly of them what are you doing there?
Talking badly about your SO is definitely a precursor to infidelity. It's a shame that it's a hidden sign. Often one find out afterwards. Insult, to injury, to insult. How sad.
A lot of these guys who start talking badly about their SO are lying. Their SO is fine. They just tell them lies to get sympathy and get closer, emotionally, to the woman they're looking to cheat with.
And I agree, it is a 'hidden sign, as their partner would never be aware of it. Truly, that would be the worst betrayal. Insult to injury, like you said.
Completely agree. When they are taking bad about their SO, it's a big red flag, major sign to stay away from them.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I have often wondered if a partner would have cheated if they had known beforehand how devastating that would be to their partner. Some people are just in serial romantic relationships and if “this one” doesn’t work out they just move on. But some people fall in love for life, and when you have believed in someone so fully and believed their love was equal to your own, that person cheating not only devastates you, it destroys your world view as to the possibilities of love. It is an innocence lost that is unrecoverable. I survived it, I moved on with my life and career but I’ll never allow myself to fall in love again…and 22 years later I still can’t type this without crying.
Infidelity never ends well. NEVER
I always say “it never makes any situation better.”
I agree. NEVER. No matter how the relationship goes, after infidelity.
My ex cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. i personally believe she was inlove with him the whole time and wasn't really over him while she got with me
I like to think most cheating was with an ex they never got over from.
didnt ask
I think the percentage of women who cheat on their significant other would be higher if the age range included 30s and 40s. I think it's common for women to feel all types of negative ways when we exit our 20s with so much responsibility and a spouse that possibly doesn't express appreciation anymore. It's a common scenario I've seen all to often.
When they start criticizing your looks, especially weight, they're creating an excuse for themselves to look for others.
i think the original statistic did include people of all ages, it was just the second one that didn't separate by gender that focused on younger people.
I experienced infidelity from all three positions: cheating, being cheated on and being the one they cheat with. When I was in my twenties, it was massively dramatic. By the time I was forty, I was much more tolerant, but less able to be in love. At fifty, I’m less interested in sexual fidelity and more interested in each person being able to say openly what they want and be flexible enough to meet each side’s needs. Too much of my life has been about tying myself into knots and tying other people into knots, to create the semblance of a normal relationship, when actually both of us could have been doing what we wanted and supporting what our partners wanted. I think what this requires isn’t so much autonomous mental health, (although that might help,) but also communicative honesty.
Communication (and comprehension) is key.
This makes good sense explained from a personality type/ trait perspective .... I love how you say ‘ infidelity violates most people’s expectations ‘ so true unless polyamory is not explicitly agreed by both partners , it does indeed break that unwritten rule... From experience it seems the majority of cheaters are self entitled , amoral hypocrites , they expect total devotion & loyalty but feel its their prerogative to be unfaithful with self justification & no remorse apart from for themselves when found out ... trust is the foundation for all types of relationships , without the right foundations a building will never withstand the storms of time and be destroyed ... it’s the same with human relationships
I hear an STPD UP THERE LOL
Better to "I can't stop this feeling", instead of "Heard it from a friend", both by REO Speedwagon. Resist the feeling!
If you stay single then you don't have to cheat, or fight the irresistible feelings. You can have all the positive urgency, and intoxicating feelings you like.
And a lot less often.
I have a weird theory on cheaters- I believe most of them experienced childhood sexual abuse and they’ve repressed it.
Infidelity is their trauma repetition, maybe they are trying to gain control over their childhood and are repeating the anti-social behavior in an (acceptable) way-which involves a lot of secrecy, shame and manipulation, just like childhood sex abuse.
As a therapist myself I believe attachment style is a very big predictor - insecure attachment styles - dismissive and fearful avoidant in particular. Secure - as the least likely as well as Anxious-preoccupied. Thanks for the post 🙏🏻
A very interesting topic, I agree that the best way to avoid being unfaithful to your partner is to stay away from situations that can lead down the slippery slope.
Infidelity is something that people need to discuss before it happens and it needs to be much more than just a statement that cheating is a deal breaker. In the few committed relationships I’ve had, I’ve insisted on a discussion of how each of us views what constitutes cheating, general factors that might increase chances of cheating such as the relationship hitting a rough patch, which all inevitably do, I always request a commitment from my partner that when the rough patch occurs, we don’t put ourselves in situations where attractions could develop, such as going to a bar alone or with friends, and that if an attraction does occur, distancing take place. It’s worked pretty well thus far.
It depends on the character of the person you have the conversation with, and some people are very good at hiding their true character.
It all boils down to character and self-control. There isn't a soul on this Earth who hasn't thought about "it". The difference is in what you do with the temptation in your mind "before" you ever leave the house each and every day. Cheating is something you either plan to do, or you never plan to do. It is 100% premeditated, both ways.
Great advice. Don't allow those feelings to get to a point where the fantasy spirals out of control.
The study of only young persons seems to be a massive flaw. It means we're blind to the dynamics that happen over a lifespan: One can easily imagine feelings of growing resentment over time; growing feelings of being unappreciated by one's partner or 'boredom' with one's partner; growing existential dread over time ("Life is so short. How did I get so old? Is this 'it'? Am I only waiting to die now?"); feeling frustrated by one's life seeming too routine (and again, consider someone stuck with this feeling over a _very_ long term); etc.
It leads to me question the automatic dismissal of affairs / cheating as necessarily being a 'negative'. Maybe the more correct view is 'Life is complex'. We can't black + white this one. This is a tougher topic.
It also has me wondering about the only antidote to an affair being avoidance of the outside person. Perhaps, much like daily brushing of one's teeth avoids future ill-health, one's longterm relationship requires daily 'brushing'. Not neglecting to show affection, not failing to show daily appreciation, not getting too regimented into routines, etc.
I find it impossible to condemn a woman or man who finds her- or himself in that horrific situation of (seemingly) endless boredom and resentment, watching the body (appear to) fall apart, and thinking that once the children leave, there'll be nothing left. What a dreadful situation.
It is negative in the moment you hurt your Partner and its fuckin hurtfull to find out. If you have The desire for other intime contacts Talk to your fuckin Partner or evalute for yourself what a little fuckin is worth to you
And that dreadful Position is called life?
Yes, it's a major disadvantage of the cited study. Young people usually have a desire to find out what's out there still and develop relationship skills, as well as other priorities of self-development, growing a career, etc. That is, they're often not really ready for a truly long-term relationship and fidelity may be an unreasonable but traditional expectation. The problem is that honest communication isn't promoted, either, as one might not get what one wants when being honest with others. Moreover, young people have very little experience in relationships, practicing honesty, and possessing confidence from years of experience. This is not to mention societal changes in gender roles, relationship expectations, priorities, etc. So, I suspect the results of studies would vary tremendously, depending on the age range and culture. Nevertheless, if fidelity is expected, the basic advice to not invite nor entertain temptation is good.
I clicked on this so fast! Really appreciate your nuance on the topic.
Thank you so much!
I think this goes hand in hand with narcissism personally...
You may wish people where that simple, but no. Not all narcissists cheat, nor are all cheaters narcissists.
Far from all who cheat are narcissists. It can be anyone.
I always live by one rule. I wouldn’t do something to someone that I wouldn’t want done to myself.
I had a boss who took me to lunch and dissed his wife. I thought he was too obvious.
Cynthia Allen I’ve been in the same job 14 years, I keep both my bosses at an emotional distance. We don’t chat about personal lives much.
@@charq52 Agreed. Work relationships = polite, professional, shallow.
You obviously didn't fell for it.
You did not reject the offer and now talking behind his back. Now that you accepted his offer, you become the accomplice. And talking about here shows your lack of morals.
@@kocerarif quite a reach you have there but go off I guess..
I only cheat at board games.
Worse.
Me too! I hate loosing.
😆
😂
I am really good at cheating... with dices.
That study you report on 79 percent is from my book, The Monogamy Gap. And I am very please to say you reported upon it properly. That is rare!!
“At some point the behavior itself must be held up to a light other than the fire of its own passion”
Although I've posted before I'll share it again. My ex partner of 5 years cheated or was cheating and after finding out, i left her. Her infedelity might have gone on longer than i am consciously aware of, maybe even to the very start.
I believe her personality is definitely neurotic, disagreeable, extraverted and risk taking. I believe she also has narcassistic personality disorder.
I acknowledge the efficacy regarding a nonspecific personality type that dictates the likelyhood for infidelity and yet subjectively feel that a clear lack of empathy or remorse influenced her behaviour.
I could continue regarding her toxic functioning but I thought I'd leave you with something to speculate on.
I found it odd after thoroughly introspecting our shared history that whilst she was cheating, her dialogue seemed to indicate a fear of abandonment; and yet by her very decision to betray the relationship, one would think that such a core belief might further be reinforced, catalysing into further neurotic behavior.
Netpobny sounds like my ex partner. My ex was cheating on me the entire duration of our relationship. We had an absolute whirlwind romance and everyone thought he was besotted with me. He even proposed. 8 months before we were due to get married, I discovered his infidelity. I also discovered what kind of person he’d been in his past and he’s a serial cheater. But throughout the relationship, his absolute fear was being without me. He was so scared of us not being together, yet completely sabotaged is. I’ll never understand.
same.
Is it narci to start most of your paragraphs with the word I?
What is it about your personality that makes you go out with these people?
Neurotic? disagreeable? extroverted and risk taking? And yet they decided you were the one for them?
She was probably "hot" and you were probably flattered.
I found it odd that you think introspection means obsessing about a relationship and person that was an obvious learning experience for YOU but not come up with any lesson learned.
I like your focus on the personality of the person who is unfaithful- this was a bit of a relief. I spent years blaming myself for my partners unfaithful behaviour, seeing myself as unworthy of loving, and trying to be a better partner- pointlessly rewarding the other persons bad behaviour. And blamed as crazy& jealous. Not any more. Thank you for your clear eyed view
It's really hard to deal with strong attraction. It'd be easier to give up a habbit seems to me. Perhaps it can be helpful then to keep in mind that this excitement will wear off eventually and you'll probably end up with someone who cant respect the fact that you are "taken". It may be good then to look at the current rship and decide why it is time to either move on or stay and appreciate it again. Infidelity then becomes a choice.. something one can avoid
Have you seen the movie “Take this waltz” with Michelle Williams?? It’s a very interesting take on attraction for another while in a relationship.
Thank you so much for talking about the hurt of rejection lasting many years. I would never confide in anyone about this because I thought
I was the only one to feel
this hurt in my core for so many decades. I had no idea this is not that abnormal. I was able to move on marry &
have a loving marriage
& career. That hurt from that previous rejection
made me have a lot of guilt In my relationship
in my marriage. My husband of 40 years knows nothing about this. Thank you for
bringing more insight
to this topic.
Ugh brilliant topic....unfortunately it's seems y cant trust ppl when y see so many cheating cases ...ty for the vid 💐
Miya.Too many like I replied to another here , girls from my past damaged me.
@@Alan-zj5fz sry to hear that🤔 Of course no two relationship are alike...but it's bothersome if y've trust issues so it's better to be single....
You are quite welcome!
Thank you as usual, Dr Grande. Always helping people find the best choices... and dodge the worst bullets 😎
Thanks Dr Grande... I was sad at the end as it seems like there isn’t much you can do to avoid it if your partner feels an attraction to someone else and limerence occurs (ie they don’t set their own personal boundary that says ‘I need to stop this before it grows’)... are you able to do a vid on avoidant attachment style and infidelity?
Oh I support this idea for a video!
Yes...it's at THAT point you make the choice. To continue, or to walk away.
Yes, I'd love to know if dismissive and fearful avoidant types are more likely to be unfaithful as a way of feeling safer.
I'd also like to know if, as with other primates, so-called "high status" males are more likely to cheat....I'd bet money on that one. There is a saying that a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. I am not quite that cynical, but have observed that alpha and sigma males seem to have way more opportunities.
@@meagiesmuse2334 interestingly I read or watched somewhere that anxious attachment are more likely to have affairs (not sure how true this is) but that it is because they are seeking connection and the DA partner is keeping them at an arms length... so they seek out that connection through another... interesting stuff...
I wish you’d addressed how at its base is impulse control - the marshmallow test. So much success in life comes down to being able to wait to eat that marshmallow, whether the marshmallow is someone new and flirty once your relationship has grown stale, putting continuous effort into not letting your relationship grow stale in the first place, or not entering into a relationship with a convenient person with whom you will fall out of love eventually, instead waiting for someone for whom remaining faithful is worth it. It’s all the same question, over and over throughout life, and it absolutely does determine our happiness and success: can you wait and work towards a greater goal, even if there is no immediate payoff?
Everyone finds people other than their partner attractive all the time; the ones who don’t cheat have control over their impulses.
Don't forget the high numbers of infidelity by people who are Narcissists!
As someone who’s been in that situation before, really on both sides of infidelity, this was a great explanation! Sure there are plenty of other reasons why people end up cheating, but I do think there is always a turning point somewhere when a relationship crosses the line for both people and no matter what it is, it probably always stems from a positive feeling plain and simple.
Best predictor is when a person says something negative about their partner or says something emotionally charged to an opposite sex contact(if heterosexual). This sets the stage for the receiver to gain confidence in approaching person with a sexual advance. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOUR PARTNER OR ENCOURAGE THE RECEIVER TO BELIEVE THEY ARE SPECIAL! Keep your thoughts to yourself or share with your real partner ONLY .
It's weird to me that we punish immoral acts in public matters but suddenly when someone does wrong in a relationship no one cares about justice.
uhhhhh just be the bigger person and not be an a hole. Is the justice cheating on them back? Like thats dumb as hell tbh and says a lot about you
@@XRemARx yea, someones spouse may conspire against them for years, take their money and their kids, totally destroy them mentally and socially, and you want them to say "oh well, I am the morally righteous person by not even wanting someone to acknowledge it"?
@@z0uLess life is not just nor is the Universe... Get over yourself
@@MrDasfried We are creatures with a strong sense of justice. This is so evolutionary ingrained in us that even studies in monkeys have shown the same kinds of behaviors of violence related to the perception of sometthing being just or unjust. In human history, people have seen each other and judged each other based on social and non-social behaviour. In modern life, however, we can swipe away people, manage our networks, ghost people, lie to ourselves about other people, create false narratives to manage our lives and willfully ignore things that are hurtful for our sense of self to realize etc. without such information coming out or having consequences for us. The simple solution is obviously to brand someone as "a bad person" and just cut them out of our lives. The tough thing to do is to actually value justice. I believe it creates madness in the people that attempt it, as each and every individual have such a detailed experience that no other individual can fully grasp it. The connectedness of pre-modern times was very different from the way we interact today.
Isn't a divorce and possible spousal support justice enough?
Thanks to my meds I have a absolutely NO interest in sex. No worry of🤫 infidelity here. I don't even cheat with myself !
Thank you Dr. for this topic! It was very interesting, and the delivery professional as always.
REO Speedwagon reference you’re not that old!! Thanks for the Video!!
In August of 1984 when this song was released, I was 12 - lol
Dr. Todd Grande Rock on!
In 1980.the album that put them on the map was Hi Infidelity.
Even Speedwagon is impressed!
@@DrGrande same!
Never talk to and live with a person and still feel alone...no form of closeness/intimacy psycho/narcissists/overt/covert narcissist/sociopath/psycho narcissist...happiness comes from within and people only add to your happiness and yes these types will let you cheat in relationships especially you tell them you need them to leave and they stay and serial cheat and you are sick of their cheating ass and behaviors...so true about avoiding people and situations had to recognize my pattern in relationship attracting toxicity...better to be alone than be miserable with infidelity!
I've always considered myself too picky and too lazy to cheat. I don't know if it's cause I'm such a good person, when I'm not tempted to do it in the first place. There are very few people I'm attracted to and even fewer that I'm comfortable enough with to enjoy intimate encounters with. I don't really pursue sex that much when I'm single, so when I'm with someone even if we're going through a rough patch celibacy is nothing odd to me.
That's you in your profile picture
So what you pretty much said was that you don't cheat because you rarely find people attractive because you're too picky.
And you're proud of that, that's like a serial killer being proud he can't kill while locked in a one man cell in prison.
@@smackdashitoutchu7755 🤣
Doc, I just want to state the obvious (and the much-already-stated) that your videos are such important insights into critical mental health topics that are only now finding mainstream interest and understanding in a world where almost nothing is more important these days. THANK YOU for the incredible work you do, and for the incredible videos that elucidate the topics you explore every day, and that we wonder about just as often.
It's too bad that we learn about infidelity after we have cemented a relationship with marriage. Had I realized before marriage that I really didn't want to be attached to only one person I could have avoided the pain I caused to many including myself. When I finally woke up to the fact that affairs were the source of my downfall I changed my way of thinking. When I married again at age 41 I made myself a promise that I would not cheat as I had before and I never did. It became a matter of integrity which I came to cherish more than the romantic affairs.
We usually know the moment that the relationship is over. When we decide to end the relationship maybe at a different time. If you are seeing other people, you need to be honest with yourself as well as the person you are with.
What do you think about RUclips addiction? Maybe like, staying up late to watch RUclips videos?? Is it common or dangerous??? Thanks!!
As long as they're Dr Todd Grande videos, this is perfectly healthy. 😀
Really really not Good, but unfortunately becoming very common.
@@vikramsarabhai1 what if it is mostly for education? i find that i am more interested in growth and self improvement now than i have ever been
RUclips videos are OK. Come back with the same question if you need an answer to watching too much of X videos dot com.
Looking for connection, companion, validation of our feelings, looking for someone who thinks/feels like us in the moment... I think being addicted to youtube videos stems from the ultimate neglect we felt for a long time, we don't even know how to be connected to ourselves peacefully... We need some noise, something on youtube to fill that never ending emptiness
Great topic. My husband disappeared for 18 years, was missing presumed dead. Last month, discovered he’s living nearby with another woman, they have a 12-y-o. son. I wonder if she knows he’s married. I decided not to contact them. (I remained in same house for 16 years, he never contacted me.)
THAT'S INSANE. I wouldn't contact him either.... YET 😂😂😂
But is he on the deed of the house? That could be a real problem. Edit: If you have a free legal service in your state, I would reach out for assistance and get that situated before making any contact.
Thanks for the video Dr. Grande 👍
I quitly hoped you were going to sing a few lines of the song "Can't Fight This Feeling".
Well who knows, maybe a next time :)
Lol, I was singing that song much of the day, that is too funny. But singing on camera?? That is a low probability event :)
@@DrGrande Yeah, singing in te American reality show The Voice isn't probably your thing.... hehehe. Making these great vids is your strength doc 😃
One of my favorite songs and group growing up 😂
If you really care about someone who is in a relationship, you don't let them mess up their life. Keep that distance.
If you are in a relationship and are thinking about other people, either work on your relationship or end it. Be brave and do what needs to be done. It hurts, but it hurts less than the pain caused by cheating.
Love the tie-in to Impulsivity!
This was my 2nd time watching. I've thought a lot about the wisdom of, just not going there. Dr. Grande's saying so.
OO my first concert was REO Speedwagon! Woo!
My first also. 1985 Seattle
I just can't believe the valuable information you give in such a short time, Dr. Grande!!
Your reference to that REO Speedwagon song was brilliant- start distancing yourself when you feel like things are starting to get a little bit too intense.
This guy is so calm you would think he’s boring but I am enthralled with this channel.
Love that ypu name dropped REO Speedwagon. I love that bad. Xoxoxo
The advice in this video is sound. I have a couple situations in my life where I really admire a man that is taken. I avoid them. I am not their friend, amd I admire them from a great distance. It really is the only way to acknowlege the feeling AND act appripriately on it. Thanks again, Dr. Grande.
That's exactly right. Avoid them. There were two times I felt like a married man was attracted to me & I left the situation both times. One was a radiologist & I transferred not only to a different unit but a different shift. The second time it was my veterinarian & I changed to a different vet even though more expensive.
Love your channel, very interesting and informative! Thanks!
My husband, of more than 40 years, and I made a commitment to each other til death do us part. I am not jealous if he turns his head to look at a pretty women or is he jealous if I notice a handsome man. The promises we made to each other so many years ago were heartfelt and made before God. It's natural to notice attractive people, but giving into impulse is selfish, dishonest, and utterly devastating. Regret is a bitter pill to swallow.
It's so easy to cheat nowadays with hookup/dating apps
I love you expose all this helpfull videos, thank you so much!
Love the vocabulary lesson. Thanks!
Thank you Dr Grande, I made a decent wage and my husband stayed with me as long as I lived in the home. I felt there was infidelity, because I got sick often. I realized later my husband had Narcissistic personality and he was pushing me away. Alcohol and a bromance caused me to question everything about our 26 year marriage. I left and started my life over.
The critical moments you addressed were clearly seen in the Chris Watts/Nicole case. Good data, Dr. Grande!
Dr. Grande, my late husband was 27 years older than myself. I married him when I was 42 and he was 68 years of age. We were married 22 wonderful years and I grew to love him dearly. He passed away in September 25, 2019. We spent most of our time together either working, traveling, studying, or, as you say, reciprocating interests. He did not behave or look like a 91-year-old and his attitude and approach to life was younger. Both our spouses passed away a few years before we met. I believe our first marriages molded us into better partners and where we fell short in our first marriages we made up the second time around. His sense of humor, kindness, respect, and loyalty was an example to me and I treated him likewise. Age made no difference to us and we quickly learned to ignore outside opinions and criticisms. Walking alongside this nobleman was a rare opportunity and the only regret, as you mentioned, was that he grew older and sometimes loneliness on my part was a factor. Thank you for your short lecture. Dorothy
Thank you Dr. Grande, great video!!
You're welcome!
Dr. Grande, you spoke so well about this. So much good information that applies to me or those I know. I appreciate your sharing!
I have had two married men told me they don't have sex with their wives and naturally what they said made me feel very uncomfortable. I have no idea what's in their mind. I gave no response and had to distance them. No way I would get involved with a married person. It is both wrong and stupid to do so.