Good grades I get the same attitude, they’re not really happy or sad. As soon as a mistake comes in they always rage, they never accept my goods and always my bands...
6 PARENTING MISTAKES 1. Signing kids up for too many activities - negative impact on sleeping habits and mental health - you should listen to children to know if there's too much, they signal if they're stressed or overwhelmed 2. Not allowing kids to say no - they might not learn to gain confidence, set boundaries, and stand up for themselves 3. Comparing children to others - ruin child's self-esteem at an early age - makes them question parents' love 4. Forcing children to eat - they associate that food with negative context, making them picky eaters or have restrictive dietary habits - you should make mealtimes relaxed and fun 5. Using humiliation as discipline - leads to behavioral and emotional problems in the future - may make them socially anxious, depressed or aggressive 6. Praising intelligence over hard work - you should focus praise on efforts instead of abilities - because if not, this causes fixed mindset where they give up if they fail - if you praise effort, they feel motivated when they fail instead
everything my parents did and worse and they still expect me to be happy& grateful and downplay everything I tell them, then refuse to believe anything and ultimately tell me that I'm apparently the problem so yh thx for nothing ig
I think the biggest mistake parents can make is underestimating the ongoing influence/impact they have on their children. Some parents have no idea while others think this goes away after their children reach a certain age. It doesn't.
I told my mom "I did this thing that I did not like and hurt me to make you happy" (because she would criticize me and give me bad looks if I did something she did not like) and she told me "you should have had your own criterion, I'm not a goddess, not everything is based on my opinion". Ma'am I was 5
The one about praising intelligence rather than hard work really struck me. Growing up, I started developing a mindset that only A's are acceptable because that's what made my parents proud. As a result, whenever I got into highschool, if I ever got anything else, even a B, I would spend the whole day sweating and stressed over what my parents would think. Purely because it was drilled into my mind that not having A's is failing.
@@bootyholetrollyoungsheldon your showing a fear of dissatisfied/ disappointment of your parents, basically your very interactive with your grades like building up to straight A+/100%
I feel like this happened back when I was in elem I had high grades and I was an honor student when I was like, grade 1 up until grade 3 Idk where or when it started but I remember during grade 2 when they were handing out the certificates, I was like "There's no way I would get a certificate right?" And then when I didn't, I just gave up Like all that hard work went swoosh when I failed But why was I being so self-deprecating? When? I'm just looking back on life, wondering what went wrong...
That last point was such a great reminder. My son is highly intelligent because of his Aspergers, but because good grades come so easy for him, he does tend to slack off and leave things to the last minute, which in turn stresses him out. It is important to remind him that hard work and effort is a must, to motivate him to not just rely on his natural talents. I’m sure I have fallen into the trap of praising him for his intelligence over his hard work on many occasions.
i can relate to this. i am 17 years old and have asperger myself(don't think i am highly intelligent but grades still come easy to me and i leave things to the last minute too) but my mom just gets angry at me and thinks punishment is the way(not physical). more in terms of taking away money etc. i think praising someone for intelligence isn't bad in the first place, but just make sure your son knows that you care about him even if he doesn't perform well at some times and that he knows that you know he tries as much as he can. not trying to give parenting advise here, i mean i'm not even an adult. but this is something i'd like to see from my own parents too, and just the fact someone tells me they appreciate my dedication and hard work would be more than enough for me to motivate me to try my best, and it would surely make me feel better/happier!
@@jorisdios5839Besides, people with this condition like me generally forget to finish their work while having fun, saving it for later. Bad news. On my birthday while alone, I can't buy tickets for movies/amusement park and must be accompanied by my parents for the whole life because of temper tantrums/being too short. Plus, I can't live in the house alone because I'm Brazilian and it's still rules for me.
Aspergers doesn't cause intelligence. Anyone can be intelligent. I have aspergers and it doesn't make me any more or less smart than anyone else. I can see that your comment means well though! I hope that your son sees how proud you are of him!
"Emotional abuse can leave a victim feeling like a shell of a person, separated from the true essence of who they naturally are. It also leads to a victim feeling tormented and tortured by their own emotions." Lorraine Nilon
Oh my god that's so frustratingly true, like every time we do something they even _slightly_ don't approve of, disrespectful. Like bruh, first no, I'm making a point calmly and in a mature way (disrespectful attitude of mine would be me screaming at you how I really think about you lmao) and you don't want to admit that you are wrong, second it seems like parents coincidentally forget that respect is neither absolute "because you're the adult mature parent" or whatever, but also that respect is earned, not just "damn bro I have a child now so that means that I can treat them however the f I want and they'll still have to respect me cuz yk I'm the parent lol". No. Neither does your child owe you respect. If you want it, earn it. Also, admit when you're wrong, or you'll raise a self-centred child bc they're never wrong, are they ? (Experience lmao raised by selfish assholes become self-centred lifehacks) (and/or a depressed child that hates your guts still from experience lol pls get me out of this nightmare I can't take it anymore)
Same, whenever I'm telling the truth they don't even listen, they also saying "if you didn't even do then we send you to others" they makes me feels useless to living in this world, what's the point I'm showing them this if it's repeating itself, what's the point I'm telling them my problems if they never understand
@@MarshMilo0717 yup agree with you except my situation is a bit different lmao. i have a very strict mom and she always Is angry even sometimes i just ask a question and when i say shes comparing me to other kids that they have better behaviour than me or whatever she always says its an "example" :/ its pretty annoying bcs if i say no or if i say smthing to her that its comparing she will be angry and smack me but i still love her tho and shes pretty nice but shes always angry af even for little things like when i got 20/30 in a quiz she said: "You could have just got 25." "thats better." *Sighs* which leads me to feeling im being a burden and a dissapointment. sometimes i even get so mad when i get low scores bcs my mom would be dissappointed with me :/ i kinda hate her but i still love her even tho her "examples" are kinda dumb and stupid tbh (sorry for A VERRY long comment 😥)
@@_simplejared_1992 I'm so sorry and I'm understand about your situation, it is annoying how parents just always want "a perfect child" well not now cuz they don't even realize they were who changing us, they giving us the best but the problem is they don't even seeing their mistakes, it's called "judgemental", and yes what I'm always annoyed about is how they thinking " they were right all day", at least appreciate and support what we do, i hate how my mom forced me to think like "adult brain" wth, I'm really trying my best and what i get is "overthinking".. "be a better person like your friend" bruh they just seeing from the outside but not how the inside, the future is holding by ourselves not them :/ Btw, it's fine i love reading people's confessions :)
i remember hearing my mom saying bad things about me and my brothers on the phone when she thought i couldn't hear her and it just made me cry, made me feel like i wasn't good enough and made me think i failed as a daughter and failed to make her proud of me, i was quiet for the rest of the day while my mind was insulting me and shaming me because she was mainly mad that we were loud but even though she was mad that i was loud didn't mean she could curse our names like that to other people on the phone.
i like how parents do stuff like this and expect their action to not affect their child in the future, they just claim that it was just a joke and expect you to just accept that
I was raised with a parent who compared me to others and I wasn't allowed to say no. I found it really hard to say no to things going into highschool and got myself in a situation that was hard to get out of because saying no was always seen as a disrespectful thing. I could never say no to my friends or my bf, which as u could probably guess, didn't turn out so well. Parents, teach ur kids how to say "no" instead of teaching them that the word "no" is bad
@@pastelkitten4885 well, I'm talking about the No part now. Yes I find it saying the word No is disrespectful. But try using words like Nope. Sorry I can't. That's how I got out of it
My Dad didn’t always take no for an answer, but for the most part, I was still able to stand my ground! (Or whatever the correct term is) While others didn’t always accept my mindset, I had no trouble saying no, and once, when a school bully was bullying me too much, I bit him! I got a telling off from a staff member, but I regret nothing!
I am sorry that your parents compared you to others. Sadly a lot of parents think that it will bring-up the competitive spirit in the child, but all it really does is damage the self concepts. I do hope that you feel more confident in yourself and your worth now. Relationships that are only there while you agree with them aren't real relationships. True bonds take your needs and preferences into consideration just as much as the other person! 🖤
My mom used to compare me with the other children all the time. And when I had a confrontation with any other kid, she'd always took a side of that kid, not me. So I was growing up absolutely sure my mom loves any other kid more than me. Eventually I just stopped telling her about my problem, whenever it was bulling or a conflict with a teacher. I knew that all she gonna say would be "It was your fault". I'm 23 now, and I still have a huuuge difficulties with sharing my problems with anyone
I can relate to a degree. My parents didn't compare me to other kids, but they always sided with my older sibling. I always got in trouble, even if I didn't start the fight. It was because I was the "louder one." And of course, I don't tell my mother especially about my problems because she used to minimize my feelings and dismiss me. I'm 31 now, but I still resist sharing my problems, especially with my mother. Wish parents would know that their actions and words, big or small, can provide long-term, possibly life-long damage on their children.
Ervia, I'm sorry that your parents compared you to others. I'm sure they thought they were doing the right thing, but sadly it almost always have the opposite impact. While early life relationships will always have a special influence on your development, I hope you do feel more empowered now as an adult, since you're no longer dependent on them. I do hope that you have "corrective emotional experiences" - relationships that show you how you can be appreciated, accepted and loved for who you are, so you can speak your mind freely and share your experiences without hesitations. But please do realize, that it will have to start with you challenging all those years of messages you heard over and over, and prob took to heart. Good luck in your healing journey! ❤🩹
1. signing them up for too much 0:38 2. not allowing them to say no 1:52 3. comparing them to others 3:03 4. forcing children to eat 3:58 5. using humiliation as discipline 5:14 6. praising intelligence rather than hard work 6:28 I hope I could help!
I'd rather my kid be a solid grafter than a genius I'd much rather my kid to be born grow up and do a real salt of the earth job like a bricklayer or a joiner than an artist or a university professor unless that's what they want to do another important thing is support your children in what they want to do if your kid wants to go off and join the army instead of going to college or university to get a degree then that's fine support them very few things are as honorable as being selfless and enlisting in the military because its a good job you get decent pay and a whole bunch of benefits and you get to give back to your country by defending it
my parents do all of these, i told my friends and they said “dude your parents are extreme!” and i thought this type of parenting was normal. justice for the children out there yall.
I had the opposite problem with being compared to other children, but it ended up with the same results. I wasn't told that I was less than another child (as far as I can recall), but I was told that I was BETTER than other children. My parents told me how well behaved I was compared to my sister and friends, but it always made me uncomfortable instead of proud. I didn't want to be praised at the expense of my peers getting smack talked. I think my friends are great- why would you speak so poorly about them? And how did this look to my sister? Furthermore, I learned that my friends parents ALSO compared them to me, "Why can't you be more like Patch?" I haven't really been able to get rid of those feelings of guilt, even at 20 years old. I always thought so highly of them, it bothered me that the adults in my life may have made me look snobbish through their actions. But yes, it also gave me an unhealthy need to maintain my reputation because I thought it was what made me likable~ I thought poorly of myself, but still cared what others thought. Hiding behind my reputation was a sense of comfort, in a way.
I have a similar problem but it's a bit weird (I think ?). I was always told that I've been behaving very good since my childhood (except some times) and I was always praised. When someone praises me, I feel like I'm addicted to this feeling of pride and sometimes, I'm stressed out when I do something that I don't consider "good" or "worth to be praised". I want to make sure to be praised by adults. But when someone is comparing me to other like the "perfect child", that addicting feeling turns into disgust and sadness. Then, other people of my age look at me like I'm a Ms."Goody Two Shoes". I'm not really a goody-two-shoes, I just want people to leave me alone :
Similar problem here. So I'm the oldest out of my siblings/cousins who live in our city and, growing up, they were always being compared to me. And I hated it. Not only did it make me feel like I had to live up to everyone's expectations, but it actually ruined my relationship with them for a while where we would always be arguing because of something our parents or relatives would say to make them feel like they were worth less. But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I love my family but I hated how much pressure they used to put on me back then. They would always ask whether I was getting A's in school (not 'how was my grade', but if I was making A's) and a whole bunch of other stuff. It wasn’t until I got into high school that, after so many years of just dealing with it, I finally began to burn out. It got to the point where I would cry or start panicking anytime I looked at a book (which ruined my hobby of reading for fun for a couple years) and made me feel like I had to get straight A's even when it resulted in getting constant nosebleeds from overwork and lack of sleep. The moment my grades started slipping, I was constantly being compared with everyone around me and just kept spiraling from there only to end up feeling like it wasn’t worth it and just stopped trying at all and developed the mindset to 'might as well be the disappointment if that's what I'mgoing to be treated as'. What hurt more was that they always asked why I was making such a big deal out of doing my work despite them raising me that way (to the point that I hid my (confirmed) anxiety and depression from my parents to avoid having to talk to them about it). I did manage to graduate, but I haven't been able to get out of that stressful phase and am planning on talking to my doctor about it to hopefully start treatment
Yeah my mom would constantly compare me saying I was better than all my peers is a horrible feeling especially when the reason I was so obedient was because I was terrified of what would happen if I wasn't good enough for her.
My mom sometimes compared me to other kids or my siblings and sometimes she said that I was better than other kids or my siblings. She said that I was the easiest to raise, that I was smart, a good kid and a good student and would sometimes telling her friends and her friends praised me and I LOVED that praise. Now, I want attention and I often want people to praise me but for some reason, when people praise me, it annoys me
Precisely, I've known people whose parents weren't really parts of their lives growing up, yet tried to be more of a friend than a parent to them later on, which obviously isn't the best solution.
There were some really interesting snippets of wisdom in “the Simpsons” - I think even Homer “accidentally” said some wise things, but often in response to Bart’s words or actions. Children teach us as parents if we allow them to.
How to ruin the relationship with your child in 4 easy ways: 1. Shame the child: I was told that other children will laugh at me by my mother when I did something she didn't fully approve of (eg I wanted to dress a certain way, cry about something 'trivial', etc). I used to care so much about opinions of others that I was stressed to speak to anyone, which just led to more bullying. I no longer care about people's opinions and I feel better. I still don't speak much, but I'm not scared of talking like I used to be. 2. Ignore the child's achievements: Whenever I do something I feel proud of and show it to mother she goes "good" or "nice" and goes right back to mindlessly staring into the TV/phone screen. It just makes me feel angry, not good enough and not appreciated. I don't feel like doing that activity ever again (eg drawing, sewing, etc). I just keep most things secret from her now and I feel better. Heck, she doesn't even know I know the basics of a third foreign language (I know two well and she knows that, but I know a decent bit of a third one that she has no clue about). 3. Take the child's achievements for granted: Like in 2., she takes my successes in school for granted. She expects me to get good grades or else she's not happy. I got an 8 in my GCSE Biology (UK exams - 1 is the lowest, 9 is the highest- a 4 is a pass). She said "Maybe if you actually put in the effort, you would have gotten a 9". Like, what's the problem with an 8? I'm not doing biology anyway, and my worse results didn't seem to bother her as much as one of the best ones. I tried, but I didn't want to get out of bed at one point in that school year and that's the support I get after getting my results. Mind you, it's coming from a woman who likes to tell this story of how she once passed her assignment in university by luck. 4. Don't listen to the child: I told her my now stepfather is a bad man. She did not listen, I was the bad one. Now she fully agrees and regrets her choices (oh, and no apologies for not considering what I warned her about).
Yeah same, I don't really care for kids but every time I see things like this I always think about giving a kid the chance to grow up in a functional, non-toxic family. Maybe fostering would be a good idea?
Omg, same mostly just the eating thing and the intelligence thing I kinda understand my lack of motivation for work and my feeling of not being smart now. god, I hate spinach. Oh but if you wanna do the eating this something I recommend is making portions of the meal and having your kid choose how much they want. one of my mom's friends did this with her kids and I always preferred eating at their house.
There was a time that my cousin argued with her mother and her mother said "I brought you into this world, I carried you for 9 months" my cousin also shouted at her saying "it's not my choice to be born in this world you and dad decided to want a child, and I'm sorry if I'm not the child that you want" and at that moment everyone in the house paused as my cousin ran outside with her bag and gone to her friend's house...after that it was just not the same anymore between them, my cousin is less active at all things, as soon as she gets home straight into her room, never comes out except for school. 😔
Something I hate that some parents do is when they invite people that the kids don't even know and expect them to feel comfortable with the "random person".
One thing I'd add to this list is, trying to control your child's life in every aspect of it, making them always report back to you before making any decisions or doing anything, my father was like that, he was so strict that we can't do anything without telling him first, and if we did something, we'd better go tell him quickly otherwise that day wouldn't go well for all of us. For example, if I bought something, I have to tell him immediately, if I don't he'll get angry, and when I do tell him, he usually asks me, why didn't I tell him before buying that thing, so I never had any freedom growing up, as a boy, I need some freedom, I need to make mistakes so I can learn the lesson, but unfortunately that didn't happen, and it affected my life and my interactions with people. Like with friends for example, imagine being in high school, your friends ask you to go do something together, but you can't, not because you don't want to but because you have to check with your father first, and that's just one example. The lesson here is: give your kids some space, let them make mistakes, even if you already know it's a mistake, because that's how they learn, if you try to control your children's life as much as you can, they will grow up without having learned anything about life, not to mention that they will feel useless and incapable of achieving anything, especially when it comes to boys, that's how it was for me and I wish you learn from my experience so you can avoid those mistakes when raising your kids.
I am 18 nearly 19 & in that exact same situation but probably even worse but it’s with my mom, I don’t have a dad, he left before I was born (totally can’t imagine why) I have no control over my life whatsoever. Can’t buy things without her permission. Have to be really sneaky when it comes to buying stuff. I have to ditch college and hope they don’t call if I want to go and buy stuff, then have to make sure im not seen so I have to take these really long routes to get home, then smuggle it into the house. Then I have to hide it because my room is searched so much. From that you can tell I’m not allowed to go outside. I get loads of bs responses for this, “your too young” “you’ll get kidnapped”, etc Can’t even go out to exercise or anything, didn’t really care about that during 2018-2019 because I didn’t think I would be alive rn, but I still am & want to better myself now but my moms trust issues, delusion & stuff are really affecting my life & I can’t do anything about it I don’t even talk to anyone with voice chat, things like that because I’m always being listened to. I have a few friends on discord, they always fry me for being scared to talk but they don’t know just how bad I have it I try to tell her but she never listens, I’m made out to be a lier Yeah I get loads of good stuff for birthdays & Christmas. I’m greatfull for it but are good gifts really a reason to try to control my life & not let me do anything? Have been thinking of telling someone but I’m hesitant incase things get worse or nothing happening at all I hate my life...
To anyone who has suicidal thoughts this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around. I know things have been hard. They may be still hard. But I'm so proud of you and I'm so glad you're still here🥺❤
im a 13 yr old guy and the last one i really relate with. my mom always calls me intelligent all because grades pre school - 5th i had perfect grades and was ahead in my classes. but when 6th grade hit and we were online I failed all of my classes. I fell into depression because I thought that I wasnt as smart anymore because I failed my classes. I also had no motivation to work since all i was focused on was gettings a's. my mom is very strict on grades and when i go to my dads house he always asks what my grades are. i feel nervous because my dads side is guatemalen so they always had the mindset of "we didnt go to school we left to work so if your in school you better do good" so i would force myself to say. "oh im just struggling a little but still good grades" knowing damn well i had trash grades. I just feel so much pressure because my moms side (african american) and my dads side. i know im ranting here but idk.
Honestly, my parents did all of these to me. I don’t hate them for it. But I lack trust in telling them my feelings and instead say “I’m fine” or “just tired”.
I deal with 2 and 5 from my dad. Whenever he wants me to do something, he always makes it like a demand, and I can never say no otherwise it becomes a problem. And he always yells at me and gets needlessly aggressive whenever I do something he doesn't like or don't do what he wants. Just a week ago, he got mad at me because I didn't turn the heater off, even though he was the one who had it on. I try to be civil with him, but it almost always becomes a mess because he decides to go being an asshole for no good reason. That's why I try to keep interactions with him to a minimum, and I can't trust him with how I actually feel cuz I know he won't listen. He just has an entitled mentality where he's always right and I'm always wrong.
just a short rant my parents made me think that passing exams with high grades is the only way i’d make them happy with me. they’re never around me or communicating with me unless i get a low grade or i need to speak to them with something. which rarely happens because i don’t think they’ll react positively to anything i’d tell them. so, they might just ridicule me. my father, he’s caused so much emotional damage to me since i was 11 and made me very anxious and insecure. i feel like i’m living with cruel strangers
Small rant: I have two Dads (they’re divorced) who have different ways of parenting. One (who I live with) doesn’t set any bars and only expects me to do the best I can while being there to support me, which allows me to be independent and set boundaries, allows me to say no, and praises me for my work on school assignments. And one who sets the bar way too high, expects me to be on my best behaviour without talking back and be able to eat whatever he puts on the plate (even though I have a small appetite), and he doesn’t allow me to say no or have an objective opinion without him lashing out. I can’t even be myself without having a sense of fear of letting him down.
Not letting your child explore Don’t you think, ever since their birth, the little ones are always learning? Well, we know how you feel when your baby grows by looking at your face, knowing your expressions, and slowly growing to understand you.
I hope to have kids someday, I will let them explore, but I do want to be careful with what I let them watch on TV. Peppa Pig and Caillou are bad influences, so I will instead show them more wholesome programming such as Puffin Rock and Bluey!
Can we get a video for parents of young adult children, too, pls? Things that come to mind are: treating them like a kid vs. the reality that you are parenting an adult now, dreams being supported or crushed, levels of nurturing, etc. and in relation to their brain development of course. Great video!
When I was a child, I was smart, talented and kind. I feel so identificated with this, i've always had at least 4 extra activities after school, I was afraid to say 'no', so people usually abused of my 'kindness', they've always compared me, but I was the best, that made me go so down everytime anyone got better score than me. I've never felt forced to eat, I had anxiety and ate a lot, but usually tomatoe haha. 2 years ago, I was uncomfortable with my body, so I didn't want to go swimming, and they told all their friends that I was so stupid to come out of my room-- it felt so embarassing... And I've always had good scores, the bad thing is that this year i'm not mentally stable, so I had to focus on myself more because I've been hiding too much for too many time, so my grades went down, not failing but they aren't my As. They can't stop screaming and being mad at me like I killed someone, they can't understand why am I doing that, I'm not only grades, I'm a person :(
I remember back when I was 16, I tried telling my mom ‘no’ when she wanted me to do something I didn’t want to do. It was something I was strongly against doing. She ended up threatening that we couldn’t do anything else in the whole place until I did that one damn thing. It drove me to tears because she would put the blame on me for not doing what she wanted.
Number 6 was probably the most relatable rule for me because whenever I got home with, like an 80 on my test, my mom would be mad and had me redo the questions I got wrong, which left me anxious and afraid I wasn’t doing well.
Bc of my mom, i always think that im a dissapointment in my parent eyes. As for my dad and mom, they cause me feel insecure abt myself. And also make me unable to speak up
As a preteen who still lives with her parents they have done a lot of things you have mentioned but they are still very loving parents that if they knew how much harm their doing they would stop this right away:) And I’m very proud to say that!
The biggest mistake that parents make to their children's is putting way too much pressure by putting them up in to much lessons, like such as dance, swimming, gymnastics, soccer. And this could possibility make the child become aggressive as well with their moods swings. Hope this was helpful!
That last bit of advice hit me in the feels... My parents were both elementary school teachers. Growing up, the boundaries between school and home life were very blurry. I was allowed to get a grade lower than an A, but if I started falling behind and got a D or F, my parents WOULD NOT ALLOW me to fail. I would have to make up the work with my teacher. Usually one of my parents would arrange for me to do some kind of extra credit and when I was very young, they would supervise my homework on that extra credit. It reinforced my beliefs that I could never act out of line in school or otherwise my parents would know. Bullies, mean teachers, struggles - all that was something I just had to take. Don't get me wrong. I wish other kids had the option to get the kind of grade support I did. It really helped me set up study habits so that I could avoid those kind of situations. But, I would have also liked the opportunity to fail or at least get a D, because then I might have assigned my OWN value to that grade rather than what my parents did. Thanks for reading.
I had a hard childhood and I always thought I was a kind loving father but I will never forgive myself for not being as nice as I should be. Thank you for this video, I hope my kids will be better than me.
The best thing a parent can do is to help the child identify their uniqueness and their strengths, and foster them - rather than forcing the child to fit into social checkboxes, or be like others.
Humiliate or criticize appearances, asking children to understand them, telling their children are wrong they shouldn't do this over and over again, are some other major damage to children
Another mistake would be being far to soft and lenient, my parents are like that and it has made me fairly lazy. I try not to, and I try to listen to them but it’s hard when I was often spoiled.
My mom often says fun frases often like “now when Christmas break hits you’re gonna have to learn a lot because your German average is 4,1 and I don’t want extra school in the spring break” now I’ve just resorted to hanging out in my room and FaceTiming friends sometimes slaving away at school cuz I have no hobby’s besides gaming :)
Honestly I think celebrating the achievements more and being les negative would boost a childs self esteem and confidence like 200%. My parents barely read self improvement books, forget about meditation, that was like a whole different universe to them.
I didn’t know making your kids eat was a bad thing. when I was about 7 or 8 my mother made a “chicken salad” and the texture was just so… eugh and me, a undiagnosed child on the spectrum refused to even try it. my mother and my father made me go to bed starving, and I cried myself to sleep. now I still struggle to try new things, and they still don’t get it. also, as a young child from the ripe old age of 10 years old, I was yelled at for getting a 67% on a math test. I was told that I didn’t try hard enough- even though I tried my very hardest. now I’m still scared to show “bad” scores to my parents without the fear of being told I wasn’t trying hard enough, and that I should do better.
When I was young I have to much activities… And yeah, I got stressed a lot and I can’t even say no… I was also compared to other kids, I just feel like I am getting forgot about… TY FOR THIS!
My parents did all of these- and now, I’m bearing the consequences. It’s taking me almost all 30 years to finally be confident and love myself for who I am.
I’m so fucking sorry, it’s disgusting how this is just “the norm” right now, and especially since childhood trauma is such an important factor for later in life
When I was younger I was raised by my grandma. When she cooked she let me pick my portion sizes. But she said I had to choose from each of the foods she made (she always tried to incorporate veggies into all meals), so I had to eat veggies even if it was one small piece of Brussel sprouts. And because of this I’d eat what I want. This actually made me want to eat more vegetables because I knew I had a choice on how much to eat. I could eat mainly veggies and little bread and fruits. Or mainly meat and fruit and little veggies the next day. And with this way I learned to have a healthy relationship with food. I wasn’t obese or malnourished. If a kid truly doesn’t want to eat something they will go out of their way not to.
I wish my mom had been more like your grandma. She'd never give me a choice in what to eat. I had to eat whatever she made, even if I didn't like it, especially in regards to veggies. I'd always be forced to eat them either through threats or having her hover over me.
I already see a few mistakes my parents did although the first one was the opposite for me. Instead of too much, they gave me no extra activities. Just stayed home after school and let my brain rot by watching TV all day, everyday. Can't really blame them because of our economic situation but I can't help but feel resentful as it harmed my social skills and because of that, I had a handful of friends for the entirety of my 12 school years. I still find it hard to socialize with others to this day. As an adult, My mom at times had tried to push me out of the house and 'have fun' but that's hard to do when you developed an anxiety disorder.
My mother compares me a lot of the other teenagers of my age. After she's surprised why I don't have any self-esteem.. I ended up trying to say back "Well you would be surprised if you knew that all other kids are like me" She stays quiet a while until fighting back again, other excuses I'm not allowed to cry as well Sadness is forbidden because it's show weakness I need to cry for only good reasons Or my mother will see it as being dramatic, searching attention and much more Using the phrase; "I know you from since you were just a child, you're always overreacting" Making me feel invalid about having emotions And still, I feel deeply wrong when I cry But sadly I have now BPD because of her and other past events that happened with me
I went through some of this with my stepmom. She would use humiliation, and even taumting as punishment. She would compare me with others. And if I did try my best at something, she’d still find that one mistake that I made. I now live with my biological mom, who loves me no matter what, and she understands me for who I am. I don’t allow myself to feel or struggle, because “it’s a weakness to struggle.” I do my best to be positive and happy 24/7. And I do my best to make life all about rainbows, flowers and sunshine. I do have a lot more love for myself than what I used to.
I'm sorry about the experience with your stepmom, and so glad that you were able to get out of that situation, and now live with someone who understands, supports and love you unconditionally. Still, it sounds like those rough experiences with your stepmom left a mark on how you view emotions and "struggling," It's sad that she gave you such a negative lens on something so positive - how in life are you going to succeed with trying and struggling and improving? You talk about rainbows and sunshine, but if it were sunshine every day, then there would be no rainbows. Wishing you the best on your healing journey! ❤🩹
@@JoinDrSuri thanks a lot for your wonderful comment. I do believe in healing. And I’m definitely am working on healing. I used to hate myself with a passion, but nowadays, I love myself, even though I’m a bit of a goofball lol. But hey, a lot of my goofball habits, I can live with. There are some gray areas I need to work on, but I believe it is possible.
6:28 THIS ONE. growing up, i always had the best grades anyone could ask for, but as school got harder, the work got more complex and always couldn't understand correctly, and have always achieved for the best, even my mom wants me to achieve the best for me. but everytime i got a grade lower than 70% she would always say "eh, you could do better." even if i know i could do better, it still hurts to hear. after i watched this video, i realized that even if i failed, i knew that i still did my best. thank you guys so much.
the most hurtful things my parents would do to me is propably saying "No, you will do it, you don't have a choice." i don't know why, but i hate. and despise. Not having a choice in the matter, that was the most hurtful thing to me aside from getting hit or being insulted.
I worked hard at what I did and I was smart. My parents never remarked on my successes, just acted like that was simply a baseline. Heavily criticized anything less than perfect. Finally gave up trying to excel and just did what was needed to not "fail". They pitted all us kids against each other, comparing one's weaknesses against another one's strengths. Playing favorites--the suck ups got stuff. And if you didn't suck up, they took away stuff. You couldn't just not say no--you had to enthusiastically say yes. Your time never belonged to you, their wishes were your only priority even if it could have waited. And your stuff, even if you bought it, didn't belong to you. I had to leave most of my possessions behind when I moved out. They quickly disappeared and I'll probably never see them again. And they wonder why I don't stay in touch...
it makes me so sad to know that i see all of these behaviors in my parents. it hurts to know i’ve lost all trust in my parents but i can’t help it when they’ve done all of these things listed
I have super strict parents so I relate to most of the points talked about in the video. Saying no was almost impossible, I am constantly being compared to others, I am super picky when it comes to food (I was forced to eat stuff I hated when I was a child) and my grades still feel like the most important part of my life to them. The last one hit hard since I can't start new hobbies because if I dont succeed the first time I just think that i'll never be able to do it. I dont want to blame everything on my parents but at least now I know not to blame myself for everything either
4:00 I was stubborn and would sit at the table until bedtime. I was not eating something I didn't like. I was then told I would be eating it for breakfast but she would forget and the food would go bad. I win.
You describe my mom perfectly,I maybe have the worst mom ever, I cry every time when she says something so kept a distance from her, now I'm scared of her ever since I was 4, I don't even know her anymore,I don't know if she is doing child abuse, but this video helped me to become a good parent one day😁 thank you for this video
I'm 13 year old girl and my parents always yelled at me without no reason like they're toxic ugh what to say I really hate them they said to me I'm burdened on them and sometimes they didn't even give me food I really hate them
For me, growing up, one of the biggest mistakes that my parents made is not asking permission about things like taking piano lessons or seeing therapists, along with not listening to what I have to say about anything that I find to be extremely important. As a result, I grew up thinking that if ever I tried to be my own person, I was destined to be a failure no matter how smart or hardworking I am, which is obviously not true. I even almost died three times when I was in college because of that mindset. When I tried to explain to my parents how they've hurt me in some ways multiple times, instead of listening to me, they took what I said as personal attacks and claimed that I was mentally insane, which is ironic because when I was younger, they were the ones telling me to not take everything too personally. While I can't say that mindset was entirely their fault, I will say that when I learned the hard way that they were the types of people who put more importance on protecting their pride and to an extent, their money, it made me loose trust in them and anyone who claims that I'm mentally insane for wanting to teach others to think from multiple perspectives and to value truth more than comfort just because I was sent to European style schools (both public and private) that rewarded students for thinking outside of the box and being compassionate, responsible, global citizens more than getting As and Bs on tests since I was 10 years old. At this point, I'm getting along fine with my folks. However, I don't feel comfortable wearing corsets and 90s goth dresses that reach down to my knees around them without them assuming that I don't know anything about interacting with people. Even when I ask them to please not give me any comments about my outfits unless if there's an agent from New York who wants to come and see me, they don't listen. So yeah, until I can make enough money to move out without having to worry about sacrificing my hopes and dreams of becoming a fully pledged creative (writer, actress, model, etc.), I'm kindof stuck where I am right now. I'm sorry, but I'm not the type of person who enjoys having all of her hard earned money go to rent and groceries. I did that once. It made me angry and depressed. Thanks for making the video, by the way! I think it's good that you are making videos that are appropriate for parents to watch.
when i will grow up and be a mother i will try my best to keep my kids happy i wont let them go through what i have gone through i will always truly love all of them equally
HEAVY on the food one. Everytime my parents forced me to eat food, I always felt horrible and the memories will never leave my mind. Now, when I eat a normal amount of food or a food that my parents tried to force me to eat, I feel like throwing up and sometimes sob. No child, or anyone actually, should experience that.
My parents did almost all of these. One thing that really hurt was when my mom would complain about me on a phone call right in front of me when she was mad. Also, sometimes i didn’t know something i did would have made her mad, and she would yell at me, and when i tried making it up she would say “oh no, go watch tv, we don’t need you here”. it really hurts even now. she told me my crushing sadness was normal and a “teen thing”, but i don’t think what i felt was normal. i was really sad when i was a teen, and hearing it was normal made it worse- especially with the emotional abuse from my sister and none of my friends appreciating my boundaries (they are good people but i couldn’t set the boundaries bc of the *no* thing)
I'm just over here watching you list off everything my stepdad did while raising me. I've been trying not to repeat these mistakes with my own son. The craziest thing is how angry he use to get with me before I stopped talking to him because I was "raising him wrong." His favorite lines to us as adults though is to question why we have no self esteem, and why we're so "lazy" (in his opinion) and where he went wrong. 🙄
I wish I could send this to my parents without hearing 'You're so ungrateful.' and 'We are doing the best we can what more do you want?!' Like seriously I am already damaged from my childhood and now I have to watch the same things happen to my siblings because I'm not allowed to say anything about it. It is fucking pathetic how parents cannot see the signs.
My parents did all of these and I tried to let them know how I feel but they thought I was just spoiled, ungrateful, and mean kid but I'm a lot better now that I'm living with my grandmother my grandmother has never done any of these so now I feel safe thank you 😊
I know how you feel. My parents would do the exact same. Not letting me say no, focusing on my grades rather than my effort, forcing me to eat. And whenever I would try to tell them how they'd make me feel, I'd be lectured on how I should be more grateful and of how many kids have worse or even no parents. I live with just my dad now due to my mom passing, but he still does so many toxic things. I'm glad that you were able to get away from that environment, and that you're doing better now.
If I ever have kids, I will try my best and remember for example this mistakes. I will try my best to avoid these mistakes and that my child will grow up healthy and happy! :) Thank you as always for this amazing video ~
I come here to continue my path of learning exactly why I am the way I am with my son. Things I can do better where, areas I need to focus, things I can improve on with him, etc. But man I grew up in such a energy sucking verbally and emotionally abusive environment this kinda triggered the anger I once I had towards my father because he did pretty much all of these.. thought I was past it smh
I'm pretty stressed and tend to keep to myself or bottle it up when I'm mad. Even if I show signs of stress, My family (Of 5!!) never seem to notice, And I want to tell them. Still, I always back down and ignore it, Seeing that someone understands it well enough like you, This made me very emotional, Thank you for making me aware that I'm not alone.
I relate to all of these as a teen, but the first two about too many activities and not allowed to say no literally link together for me. My parents have signed me up for 2 martial arts lessons, basketball and 2 tutoring sessions, all of them running weekly, making 5 activity periods for me to attend every week. It was already stressful and annoying in primary school, but ever since I started high school it became unbearable. I have to skip some of my homework just to finish my extracurricular activities (I would rather have my teachers get angry at me than my parents, since God only knows what punishment I'll receive next from my parents). Now, I get lunchtime detentions in school for not finishing the set homework, which I never had to deal with in primary, and I felt hopeless the first few times, but now I'm almost used to it, like it's part of my weekly schedule. The thing is, I actually do well in most of my exams, but I still end up getting B's and C's on my report card since a lot of the marks come from handing in homework. Even worse, I rarely, if not never, say no to my parents, because they'll just tell me that I'm being ungrateful for everything they're doing for me, and that they won't cancel my activities unless I reach a very high goal (example I can't stop martial arts until I reach black belt, right now I'm on red belt, which means at least 4 more graduations, all of which will be long and tiring with no water breaks). I'm honestly very thankful for this channel to exist. It's made me aware that I might have some mental illnesses and that my parents might be abusing me, just not physically. I feel more comfortable opening up here than to my parents, since I feel like everyone here supports me, and I honestly can't believe that I feel more at ease here than with my parents. Thank you so much!
This makes me want to make sure my kids have good mental health (which I will be sure to do). But thanks for the tips to say to a kid, giving them choices, not pressuring them, etc.
Not teaching your kids how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way makes them become emotionally stunted adults! I had to teach myself that feeling sad, angry, or frustrated is okay. It is okay if other people are aware that you are not feeling that great( as long as you don’t lash out at people). No one is happy-go-lucky 100 percent of the time. When I state my opinion about something that is upsetting to me, my mother always pipes in and tells me that I’m just angry all of the time. I told her how her words hurt me but it didn’t really sink in for her until my siblings ( younger)started speaking up for me. She has a saying about moments of great frustration, “ crying wont fix the problem”. What she didn’t realize is that in the moment, crying is a great stress reliever!Parents, please do not negate your child’s emotions. It’s always a good idea to ask if they just need to rant or if they are seeking advice. Negating your child’s emotions will have a detrimental effect on their coping abilities as adults. Trust me, I know.
My parents never let me say no as a kid and always have such a hard time talking about boundaries or communicating what I was in any case. I wish this video was around when I was younger lol
I'm sorry you were never allowed to say "no" to your parents, the irony part is how they can say it to us but not to them, ridiculous double standard there if you ask me, but the more ridiculous part is how many adults especially in the workplace have a hard ass time being able to say "no" to their boss, that does make me cringe 😬
Whenever I get a hundred percent on a test and my mom figures out, she congratulates me (in Spanish) but when I get a bad grade, she yells at me and tells me to pay more attention and study, and I want to tell her that I’m trying my best, but I’m afraid of what she’ll think, bc she judges my opinions on stuff and also accused me of lying one time even though she had no proof.
I don’t think that she ever thought that I’m trying my hardest, even when I get a bad grade. I feel like she never congratulates me if I get anything below 100%. Also she always knows when I get a bad grade without me telling her, yet whenever I get 100% on a test I have to tell her for her to congratulate me. Idk if it’s on purpose or not, but these things annoy me so much
And most of the time when I get 100% she doesn’t praise me. I get praise from my classmates and teachers all the time, but rarely from my mom. One time a classmate of mine said,” Why does I (my initial of my name) always get good grades?” And my teacher said “Because she pays attention.” You see, my mom would NEVER say smth like that about me. Whenever I draw smth, my classmates always compliment my drawings, but whenever I show a drawing to my mom, she doesn’t seem to say anything. It annoys me so much, and I feel like I need to be perfect for her to accept me. She ain’t abusive though.
I relate to all of these I'm 19 now and didn't even allow me to choose a course of my preference to study they still compare me to my elder sister and cousin but can't fight back when they pull the 'i'm your parent i work hard for your happiness ' i feel pathetic
I can relate to most of these signs but the ones that hit home are 3,5 and 6. And it sucks that it took me seeing my parents do the same to my younger sibling to notice that it happens to us both. I just don’t get why some parents don’t listen to their kids when they want to communicate what bothers them or how they feel. Some just completely shut them down or dismiss what they have to say or just get angry because they feel they are being “disrespected” (it all depends on how the message is being delivered tho)
My cousin graduated a year early with amazing grades and many colleges reaching out to her. I barely passed my classes. My mom and dad sometimes would bring this up and it drove me crazy. I love my parents and they're not bad parents, but they did make some of these mistakes. I now have a hard time saying no and am constantly getting snappy at the smallest frustration.
As a parent, I really appreciate this video, this makes my relation to my son and daughter even get more better, When my son showed me this, i knew i had to do something so this is really important to other families too!
tbh the more i watch your videos, the more i realize how i’ve bad ive got it with my parents, and why im depressed. glad to know its not entirely my fault👍
The one I relate the most to is the last one. I remember being in elementary and doing really good, not the highest, but still like around top 5. I would get a 10 and my mom would be happy and congratulate me but no more than that. Sometimes i went as far as ask for an ice cream for a perfect 10 but she only said that “studying was my responsibility”. Then it got as bad as her telling me that an 8 (which now i can recognize as an acceptable grade) was like failing in her eyes. Fast forward to middle school, there was one time i had a panic attack and curling up in a ball in a corner in the classroom for getting a 92 in physics instead of the minimum of 95 my mom wanted. Some of mu classmates would look at me weird because “92 is a great grade, what’s wrong with you” or other kind i thought would relate saying that they “expected a bit more” but “weren’t going to make a big deal out of it”. It made me feel worse. But that’s nothing compared to the times i actually failed, one time even going as far as begging for a couple extra points. Today i’m 17 and in my last year of high school, and while this has gotten a lot better (after literal breakdowns), i can’t deny it didn’t affect me: subjects i don’t like i just want to pass, the ones i like better i feel a little unmotivated to study for, it also left me with depression, anxiety and trich. I’m glad she now focuses more on my effort and me learning from my mistakes (and cala out my dad for sometimes focusing more on what i did wrong) than the grade
I wish my mom watched this. She used bad methods to teach me, and most times it just didn't work. In the end of the day, I learned alone better than with her methods. For example: when I was around 7 I couldn't take pills, so my mom would force me to take them, wich caused me a lot of anxiety everytime I needed to take one. Now I am 17 and I still can't take most pills (just the smallest pills).
I'm not a parent but on the part about "forcing children to eat", I can relate. My parents had split from around the time I was 4 and there would be weekends where my older sister and I would go visit with our Dad. Now it wasn't so much our dad as his girlfriend at the time or our aunt on his side of the family that would make me sit at the table and finish my vegetables 😕. I remember two instances of where I was forced to stay at the table. The first was my dad's girlfriend telling me that I had to eat my green beans before I could get up from the table. Now I'm not quite sure if it was because I couldn't get up from the table until I cleared my plate or if I genuinely felt this way but I tried the green beans and thought they tasted like rotten potatoes. Needless to say after my dad's girlfriend left the room, I got up from my chair and dumped the green beans in the garbage and tried to hide them under the foam plate. The other time, my aunt took me to the mocha house and I got a cake that I thought I would finish eating. My aunt got some kind of fettuccine with mushrooms in it. She tried to feed me a mushroom and she wouldn't stop until I tasted the mushroom, which again, I didn't know if I genuinely didn't like the food or because I was told to just eat it that my mind told me that I didn't like it. Long story short, these days the only fruits and vegetables I eat are bananas, potatoes and corn 😕🙁 and I'm not exactly in the healthy weight side of things 🙁
I had a simular experience, along with being forced to eat food at dinner, if i didnt finish my meal, it would pass though for every other meal, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and on school days, I wouldnt get a snack because i didnt finish my food. its a bummer parents believe its gonna do something good
I relate heavily to this. Growing up, my mom would always force me to eat vegetables, even though I didn't like them. She'd yell at me, threaten me, and stand over me until I ate them. I have no problem eating many vegetables now, but there are still some that I won't eat b/c I just don't like them, but often at times I remember what my mom would do if I didn't eat, and it gives me slight anxiety
my mom didnt really force me to eat my food, like if im full i can only eat a bit, but eating them is a must, and i dont think she did anything wrong because, i dont hate vegetables anymore actually! i kind of like them now hehe
Watching this video broke my heart as I’ve experienced each of the parenting mistakes but it also made me realize that nothing is wrong with me and all of those weren’t my fault😊
If you can communicate with your parents about your relationship. What would you tell them that bothers you the most?
Maybe friendship
Damn that's a hard one.
I don’t know
when i feel like i am not being listened to 🗣 🏡
To feel as though I'm being listened to, and that my voice matters and is heard.
"Not many things make a parent more proud than seeing a big A on a child's test" , this is the saddest yet true thing I've ever heard
yuh and it kinda hurts tbh
I get straight As and she will act like that’s expected still find something to pick at :,)
Well i get good grade and nothing changes
So glad my parents were happy with my C and Bs this midterm. Because "Cs get degrees, anything higher is just the cherry on top."
Good grades I get the same attitude, they’re not really happy or sad. As soon as a mistake comes in they always rage, they never accept my goods and always my bands...
6 PARENTING MISTAKES
1. Signing kids up for too many activities
- negative impact on sleeping habits and mental health
- you should listen to children to know if there's too much, they signal if they're stressed or overwhelmed
2. Not allowing kids to say no
- they might not learn to gain confidence, set boundaries, and stand up for themselves
3. Comparing children to others
- ruin child's self-esteem at an early age
- makes them question parents' love
4. Forcing children to eat
- they associate that food with negative context, making them picky eaters or have restrictive dietary habits
- you should make mealtimes relaxed and fun
5. Using humiliation as discipline
- leads to behavioral and emotional problems in the future
- may make them socially anxious, depressed or aggressive
6. Praising intelligence over hard work
- you should focus praise on efforts instead of abilities
- because if not, this causes fixed mindset where they give up if they fail
- if you praise effort, they feel motivated when they fail instead
You said 8 at the beginning instead of 6
Thank you
everything my parents did and worse and they still expect me to be happy& grateful and downplay everything I tell them, then refuse to believe anything and ultimately tell me that I'm apparently the problem so yh thx for nothing ig
My dad and step mom were forcing me too eat so much, i was supposed to eat food so disgusting for me and now its kinda traumatic for me ;-;
They're not only ruining mine, they're gonna run my brother's...
I think the biggest mistake parents can make is underestimating the ongoing influence/impact they have on their children. Some parents have no idea while others think this goes away after their children reach a certain age. It doesn't.
Yep
I told my mom "I did this thing that I did not like and hurt me to make you happy" (because she would criticize me and give me bad looks if I did something she did not like) and she told me "you should have had your own criterion, I'm not a goddess, not everything is based on my opinion". Ma'am I was 5
It never will, I can relate to that
It dont your right there.
@@jeronimselles7840 lol (sympathetic) . Great parental logic there. 🤦♀️
The one about praising intelligence rather than hard work really struck me.
Growing up, I started developing a mindset that only A's are acceptable because that's what made my parents proud. As a result, whenever I got into highschool, if I ever got anything else, even a B, I would spend the whole day sweating and stressed over what my parents would think. Purely because it was drilled into my mind that not having A's is failing.
Same here, If i get anything below an A I would lose all privileges until I fixed it
bro i cried when i showed my parents my first F idrk why
@@bootyholetrollyoungsheldon your showing a fear of dissatisfied/ disappointment of your parents, basically your very interactive with your grades like building up to straight A+/100%
same im elemtary school if i didnt get a 10 i oretended like i was done for it but when i got home my parents didnt give a f (in a good way)😂
I feel like this happened back when I was in elem
I had high grades and I was an honor student when I was like, grade 1 up until grade 3
Idk where or when it started but I remember during grade 2 when they were handing out the certificates, I was like "There's no way I would get a certificate right?"
And then when I didn't, I just gave up
Like all that hard work went swoosh when I failed
But why was I being so self-deprecating? When?
I'm just looking back on life, wondering what went wrong...
That last point was such a great reminder. My son is highly intelligent because of his Aspergers, but because good grades come so easy for him, he does tend to slack off and leave things to the last minute, which in turn stresses him out. It is important to remind him that hard work and effort is a must, to motivate him to not just rely on his natural talents. I’m sure I have fallen into the trap of praising him for his intelligence over his hard work on many occasions.
i can relate to this. i am 17 years old and have asperger myself(don't think i am highly intelligent but grades still come easy to me and i leave things to the last minute too) but my mom just gets angry at me and thinks punishment is the way(not physical). more in terms of taking away money etc. i think praising someone for intelligence isn't bad in the first place, but just make sure your son knows that you care about him even if he doesn't perform well at some times and that he knows that you know he tries as much as he can. not trying to give parenting advise here, i mean i'm not even an adult. but this is something i'd like to see from my own parents too, and just the fact someone tells me they appreciate my dedication and hard work would be more than enough for me to motivate me to try my best, and it would surely make me feel better/happier!
At least you're aware that you may have enforced a skewed mindset, even if unintentionally. That's something many parents don't do.
@@jorisdios5839Besides, people with this condition like me generally forget to finish their work while having fun, saving it for later. Bad news. On my birthday while alone, I can't buy tickets for movies/amusement park and must be accompanied by my parents for the whole life because of temper tantrums/being too short. Plus, I can't live in the house alone because I'm Brazilian and it's still rules for me.
Aspergers doesn't cause intelligence. Anyone can be intelligent. I have aspergers and it doesn't make me any more or less smart than anyone else. I can see that your comment means well though! I hope that your son sees how proud you are of him!
Oops.
The ''I had it harder than you/there're so many people that had it harder than you, you should be greatful'' one should be included.
Omg ikr 😞
I got that a lot. Just because someone else is in pain doesn’t mean I can’t also be in pain.
they're just guilt tripping me into doing what they say atp
Anime pfp
Bro my parents always say this
"Emotional abuse can leave a victim feeling like a shell of a person, separated from the true essence of who they naturally are. It also leads to a victim feeling tormented and tortured by their own emotions." Lorraine Nilon
You just described some of my problems
Hurts me to admit but this is so true
Yesss (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)
Yeah i don't even know who I am anymore
I hate that these are the perfect words to how I feel
If i were to show this to my parents they would be like " youre finding excuses" or " thats the only way we can deal with you"
same
Oh my god that's so frustratingly true, like every time we do something they even _slightly_ don't approve of, disrespectful. Like bruh, first no, I'm making a point calmly and in a mature way (disrespectful attitude of mine would be me screaming at you how I really think about you lmao) and you don't want to admit that you are wrong, second it seems like parents coincidentally forget that respect is neither absolute "because you're the adult mature parent" or whatever, but also that respect is earned, not just "damn bro I have a child now so that means that I can treat them however the f I want and they'll still have to respect me cuz yk I'm the parent lol". No. Neither does your child owe you respect. If you want it, earn it. Also, admit when you're wrong, or you'll raise a self-centred child bc they're never wrong, are they ? (Experience lmao raised by selfish assholes become self-centred lifehacks) (and/or a depressed child that hates your guts still from experience lol pls get me out of this nightmare I can't take it anymore)
Same, whenever I'm telling the truth they don't even listen, they also saying "if you didn't even do then we send you to others" they makes me feels useless to living in this world, what's the point I'm showing them this if it's repeating itself, what's the point I'm telling them my problems if they never understand
@@MarshMilo0717 yup agree with you except my situation is a bit different lmao. i have a very strict mom and she always Is angry even sometimes i just ask a question and when i say shes comparing me to other kids that they have better behaviour than me or whatever she always says its an "example" :/ its pretty annoying bcs if i say no or if i say smthing to her that its comparing she will be angry and smack me but i still love her tho and shes pretty nice but shes always angry af even for little things like when i got 20/30 in a quiz she said: "You could have just got 25." "thats better." *Sighs* which leads me to feeling im being a burden and a dissapointment. sometimes i even get so mad when i get low scores bcs my mom would be dissappointed with me :/ i kinda hate her but i still love her even tho her "examples" are kinda dumb and stupid tbh
(sorry for A VERRY long comment 😥)
@@_simplejared_1992 I'm so sorry and I'm understand about your situation, it is annoying how parents just always want "a perfect child" well not now cuz they don't even realize they were who changing us, they giving us the best but the problem is they don't even seeing their mistakes, it's called "judgemental", and yes what I'm always annoyed about is how they thinking " they were right all day", at least appreciate and support what we do, i hate how my mom forced me to think like "adult brain" wth, I'm really trying my best and what i get is "overthinking".. "be a better person like your friend" bruh they just seeing from the outside but not how the inside, the future is holding by ourselves not them :/
Btw, it's fine i love reading people's confessions :)
i remember hearing my mom saying bad things about me and my brothers on the phone when she thought i couldn't hear her and it just made me cry, made me feel like i wasn't good enough and made me think i failed as a daughter and failed to make her proud of me, i was quiet for the rest of the day while my mind was insulting me and shaming me because she was mainly mad that we were loud but even though she was mad that i was loud didn't mean she could curse our names like that to other people on the phone.
i like how parents do stuff like this and expect their action to not affect their child in the future, they just claim that it was just a joke and expect you to just accept that
I was raised with a parent who compared me to others and I wasn't allowed to say no. I found it really hard to say no to things going into highschool and got myself in a situation that was hard to get out of because saying no was always seen as a disrespectful thing. I could never say no to my friends or my bf, which as u could probably guess, didn't turn out so well. Parents, teach ur kids how to say "no" instead of teaching them that the word "no" is bad
@@AssassinGG was this sarcasm? cause if not I'm not quite sure u understand
@@pastelkitten4885 well, I'm talking about the No part now. Yes I find it saying the word No is disrespectful. But try using words like Nope. Sorry I can't. That's how I got out of it
@@AssassinGG that is a good alternative. Thank you
My Dad didn’t always take no for an answer, but for the most part, I was still able to stand my ground! (Or whatever the correct term is)
While others didn’t always accept my mindset, I had no trouble saying no, and once, when a school bully was bullying me too much, I bit him! I got a telling off from a staff member, but I regret nothing!
I am sorry that your parents compared you to others. Sadly a lot of parents think that it will bring-up the competitive spirit in the child, but all it really does is damage the self concepts.
I do hope that you feel more confident in yourself and your worth now. Relationships that are only there while you agree with them aren't real relationships. True bonds take your needs and preferences into consideration just as much as the other person! 🖤
My mom used to compare me with the other children all the time. And when I had a confrontation with any other kid, she'd always took a side of that kid, not me. So I was growing up absolutely sure my mom loves any other kid more than me. Eventually I just stopped telling her about my problem, whenever it was bulling or a conflict with a teacher. I knew that all she gonna say would be "It was your fault".
I'm 23 now, and I still have a huuuge difficulties with sharing my problems with anyone
P
I relate to part of this my mom is like mother of the year when her friends are around but toxic and abusive when there not my scars were no accident
I hope you get better and better then 💕
I can relate to a degree. My parents didn't compare me to other kids, but they always sided with my older sibling. I always got in trouble, even if I didn't start the fight. It was because I was the "louder one." And of course, I don't tell my mother especially about my problems because she used to minimize my feelings and dismiss me. I'm 31 now, but I still resist sharing my problems, especially with my mother. Wish parents would know that their actions and words, big or small, can provide long-term, possibly life-long damage on their children.
Ervia, I'm sorry that your parents compared you to others. I'm sure they thought they were doing the right thing, but sadly it almost always have the opposite impact. While early life relationships will always have a special influence on your development, I hope you do feel more empowered now as an adult, since you're no longer dependent on them.
I do hope that you have "corrective emotional experiences" - relationships that show you how you can be appreciated, accepted and loved for who you are, so you can speak your mind freely and share your experiences without hesitations. But please do realize, that it will have to start with you challenging all those years of messages you heard over and over, and prob took to heart. Good luck in your healing journey! ❤🩹
1. signing them up for too much 0:38
2. not allowing them to say no 1:52
3. comparing them to others 3:03
4. forcing children to eat 3:58
5. using humiliation as discipline 5:14
6. praising intelligence rather than hard work 6:28
I hope I could help!
I'd rather my kid be a solid grafter than a genius I'd much rather my kid to be born grow up and do a real salt of the earth job like a bricklayer or a joiner than an artist or a university professor unless that's what they want to do another important thing is support your children in what they want to do if your kid wants to go off and join the army instead of going to college or university to get a degree then that's fine support them very few things are as honorable as being selfless and enlisting in the military because its a good job you get decent pay and a whole bunch of benefits and you get to give back to your country by defending it
Thanks so much, it's a total time saver!
Tysm time traveler! This helps me to save a lot of time-
Your emoji 😍
Thanks
my parents do all of these, i told my friends and they said “dude your parents are extreme!” and i thought this type of parenting was normal. justice for the children out there yall.
It’s normal
JOKE
I had the opposite problem with being compared to other children, but it ended up with the same results. I wasn't told that I was less than another child (as far as I can recall), but I was told that I was BETTER than other children. My parents told me how well behaved I was compared to my sister and friends, but it always made me uncomfortable instead of proud. I didn't want to be praised at the expense of my peers getting smack talked. I think my friends are great- why would you speak so poorly about them? And how did this look to my sister? Furthermore, I learned that my friends parents ALSO compared them to me, "Why can't you be more like Patch?" I haven't really been able to get rid of those feelings of guilt, even at 20 years old. I always thought so highly of them, it bothered me that the adults in my life may have made me look snobbish through their actions. But yes, it also gave me an unhealthy need to maintain my reputation because I thought it was what made me likable~ I thought poorly of myself, but still cared what others thought. Hiding behind my reputation was a sense of comfort, in a way.
I have a similar problem but it's a bit weird (I think ?).
I was always told that I've been behaving very good since my childhood (except some times) and I was always praised. When someone praises me, I feel like I'm addicted to this feeling of pride and sometimes, I'm stressed out when I do something that I don't consider "good" or "worth to be praised". I want to make sure to be praised by adults.
But when someone is comparing me to other like the "perfect child", that addicting feeling turns into disgust and sadness. Then, other people of my age look at me like I'm a Ms."Goody Two Shoes". I'm not really a goody-two-shoes, I just want people to leave me alone :
Similar problem here.
So I'm the oldest out of my siblings/cousins who live in our city and, growing up, they were always being compared to me. And I hated it. Not only did it make me feel like I had to live up to everyone's expectations, but it actually ruined my relationship with them for a while where we would always be arguing because of something our parents or relatives would say to make them feel like they were worth less.
But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I love my family but I hated how much pressure they used to put on me back then. They would always ask whether I was getting A's in school (not 'how was my grade', but if I was making A's) and a whole bunch of other stuff. It wasn’t until I got into high school that, after so many years of just dealing with it, I finally began to burn out. It got to the point where I would cry or start panicking anytime I looked at a book (which ruined my hobby of reading for fun for a couple years) and made me feel like I had to get straight A's even when it resulted in getting constant nosebleeds from overwork and lack of sleep. The moment my grades started slipping, I was constantly being compared with everyone around me and just kept spiraling from there only to end up feeling like it wasn’t worth it and just stopped trying at all and developed the mindset to 'might as well be the disappointment if that's what I'mgoing to be treated as'.
What hurt more was that they always asked why I was making such a big deal out of doing my work despite them raising me that way (to the point that I hid my (confirmed) anxiety and depression from my parents to avoid having to talk to them about it).
I did manage to graduate, but I haven't been able to get out of that stressful phase and am planning on talking to my doctor about it to hopefully start treatment
@@WhinsuuterMe too, I've gotten an addiction to praise I start to feel upset or unseen if I don't get it. (I'm the middle child btw)
Yeah my mom would constantly compare me saying I was better than all my peers is a horrible feeling especially when the reason I was so obedient was because I was terrified of what would happen if I wasn't good enough for her.
My mom sometimes compared me to other kids or my siblings and sometimes she said that I was better than other kids or my siblings. She said that I was the easiest to raise, that I was smart, a good kid and a good student and would sometimes telling her friends and her friends praised me and I LOVED that praise. Now, I want attention and I often want people to praise me but for some reason, when people praise me, it annoys me
"To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today" - Bart Simpson
Precisely, I've known people whose parents weren't really parts of their lives growing up, yet tried to be more of a friend than a parent to them later on, which obviously isn't the best solution.
There were some really interesting snippets of wisdom in “the Simpsons” - I think even Homer “accidentally” said some wise things, but often in response to Bart’s words or actions. Children teach us as parents if we allow them to.
How to ruin the relationship with your child in 4 easy ways:
1. Shame the child:
I was told that other children will laugh at me by my mother when I did something she didn't fully approve of (eg I wanted to dress a certain way, cry about something 'trivial', etc). I used to care so much about opinions of others that I was stressed to speak to anyone, which just led to more bullying. I no longer care about people's opinions and I feel better. I still don't speak much, but I'm not scared of talking like I used to be.
2. Ignore the child's achievements:
Whenever I do something I feel proud of and show it to mother she goes "good" or "nice" and goes right back to mindlessly staring into the TV/phone screen. It just makes me feel angry, not good enough and not appreciated. I don't feel like doing that activity ever again (eg drawing, sewing, etc). I just keep most things secret from her now and I feel better. Heck, she doesn't even know I know the basics of a third foreign language (I know two well and she knows that, but I know a decent bit of a third one that she has no clue about).
3. Take the child's achievements for granted:
Like in 2., she takes my successes in school for granted. She expects me to get good grades or else she's not happy. I got an 8 in my GCSE Biology (UK exams - 1 is the lowest, 9 is the highest- a 4 is a pass). She said "Maybe if you actually put in the effort, you would have gotten a 9". Like, what's the problem with an 8? I'm not doing biology anyway, and my worse results didn't seem to bother her as much as one of the best ones. I tried, but I didn't want to get out of bed at one point in that school year and that's the support I get after getting my results. Mind you, it's coming from a woman who likes to tell this story of how she once passed her assignment in university by luck.
4. Don't listen to the child:
I told her my now stepfather is a bad man. She did not listen, I was the bad one. Now she fully agrees and regrets her choices (oh, and no apologies for not considering what I warned her about).
relatable
Another sibling yay
THIS!
3 is so true me: gets 95 my mom: *confused that it's not 100*
@@hailtropius sounds like a twin to mine
I not sure if I want children but seeing videos like this make me wanna correct all the things my parents got wrong.
Than I would suggest you work with kids
You don’t have to have one to make an impact
Yeah same, I don't really care for kids but every time I see things like this I always think about giving a kid the chance to grow up in a functional, non-toxic family. Maybe fostering would be a good idea?
Same-
Same
Omg, same mostly just the eating thing and the intelligence thing I kinda understand my lack of motivation for work and my feeling of not being smart now. god, I hate spinach. Oh but if you wanna do the eating this something I recommend is making portions of the meal and having your kid choose how much they want. one of my mom's friends did this with her kids and I always preferred eating at their house.
There was a time that my cousin argued with her mother and her mother said "I brought you into this world, I carried you for 9 months" my cousin also shouted at her saying "it's not my choice to be born in this world you and dad decided to want a child, and I'm sorry if I'm not the child that you want" and at that moment everyone in the house paused as my cousin ran outside with her bag and gone to her friend's house...after that it was just not the same anymore between them, my cousin is less active at all things, as soon as she gets home straight into her room, never comes out except for school. 😔
Omg! I would have recorded if that happened to me and would have posted it on tik tok😆😆😆😂😂
@@siriuzamaki8755 No.
@@siriuzamaki8755 BRO YOU THINK PEOPLE RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME FUNNY???!
@@siriuzamaki8755 wtf
@@siriuzamaki8755 the hell-
Something I hate that some parents do is when they invite people that the kids don't even know and expect them to feel comfortable with the "random person".
Right? Then, they expect the child to instantly trust the random stranger.
One thing I'd add to this list is, trying to control your child's life in every aspect of it, making them always report back to you before making any decisions or doing anything, my father was like that, he was so strict that we can't do anything without telling him first, and if we did something, we'd better go tell him quickly otherwise that day wouldn't go well for all of us.
For example, if I bought something, I have to tell him immediately, if I don't he'll get angry, and when I do tell him, he usually asks me, why didn't I tell him before buying that thing, so I never had any freedom growing up, as a boy, I need some freedom, I need to make mistakes so I can learn the lesson, but unfortunately that didn't happen, and it affected my life and my interactions with people.
Like with friends for example, imagine being in high school, your friends ask you to go do something together, but you can't, not because you don't want to but because you have to check with your father first, and that's just one example.
The lesson here is: give your kids some space, let them make mistakes, even if you already know it's a mistake, because that's how they learn, if you try to control your children's life as much as you can, they will grow up without having learned anything about life, not to mention that they will feel useless and incapable of achieving anything, especially when it comes to boys, that's how it was for me and I wish you learn from my experience so you can avoid those mistakes when raising your kids.
thank u at least someone understands the kind of situation im in
Exactly!!!
@@rubyyyy9121 Yeah, it's not easy having parents like that, I know how it's like.
I am 18 nearly 19 & in that exact same situation but probably even worse but it’s with my mom, I don’t have a dad, he left before I was born (totally can’t imagine why)
I have no control over my life whatsoever. Can’t buy things without her permission. Have to be really sneaky when it comes to buying stuff. I have to ditch college and hope they don’t call if I want to go and buy stuff, then have to make sure im not seen so I have to take these really long routes to get home, then smuggle it into the house. Then I have to hide it because my room is searched so much.
From that you can tell I’m not allowed to go outside. I get loads of bs responses for this, “your too young” “you’ll get kidnapped”, etc
Can’t even go out to exercise or anything, didn’t really care about that during 2018-2019 because I didn’t think I would be alive rn, but I still am & want to better myself now but my moms trust issues, delusion & stuff are really affecting my life & I can’t do anything about it
I don’t even talk to anyone with voice chat, things like that because I’m always being listened to. I have a few friends on discord, they always fry me for being scared to talk but they don’t know just how bad I have it
I try to tell her but she never listens, I’m made out to be a lier
Yeah I get loads of good stuff for birthdays & Christmas. I’m greatfull for it but are good gifts really a reason to try to control my life & not let me do anything?
Have been thinking of telling someone but I’m hesitant incase things get worse or nothing happening at all
I hate my life...
Wouldn’t say she’s strict, just very overprotective, bad trust issues
To anyone who has suicidal thoughts this year,
thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around. I know things have been hard.
They may be still hard. But I'm so proud of you and I'm so glad you're still here🥺❤
This deserves more lks tysm 4 this🥰🥰🥰
Thank you, I needed this. I’m not really noticed by anyone in my life and went through a lot of emotional neglect as a kid.
@@Justatitaniumbagel sorry to hear that
thank you
Thx my tears drop seeing this :D
im a 13 yr old guy and the last one i really relate with. my mom always calls me intelligent all because grades pre school - 5th i had perfect grades and was ahead in my classes. but when 6th grade hit and we were online I failed all of my classes. I fell into depression because I thought that
I wasnt as smart anymore because I failed my classes. I also had no motivation to work since all i was focused on was gettings a's. my mom
is very strict on grades and when i go to my dads house he always asks what my grades are. i feel nervous because my dads side is guatemalen
so they always had the mindset of "we didnt go to school we left to work so if your in school you better do good" so i would force myself to say. "oh im just struggling a little but still good grades" knowing damn well i had trash grades. I just feel so much pressure because my moms side (african american) and my dads side. i know im ranting here but idk.
The more and more I watch your videos the more I think of my life and how bad it is for me, same for the good things too.
Parents can’t decide you, but you can decide you ❤️❤️❤️
Yes!
Parent can't decide you or you can decide you parent
Y o u - y o u - y o u
Honestly, my parents did all of these to me. I don’t hate them for it. But I lack trust in telling them my feelings and instead say “I’m fine” or “just tired”.
I deal with 2 and 5 from my dad. Whenever he wants me to do something, he always makes it like a demand, and I can never say no otherwise it becomes a problem. And he always yells at me and gets needlessly aggressive whenever I do something he doesn't like or don't do what he wants. Just a week ago, he got mad at me because I didn't turn the heater off, even though he was the one who had it on.
I try to be civil with him, but it almost always becomes a mess because he decides to go being an asshole for no good reason. That's why I try to keep interactions with him to a minimum, and I can't trust him with how I actually feel cuz I know he won't listen. He just has an entitled mentality where he's always right and I'm always wrong.
I can relate so mutch to this
just a short rant
my parents made me think that passing exams with high grades is the only way i’d make them happy with me. they’re never around me or communicating with me unless i get a low grade or i need to speak to them with something. which rarely happens because i don’t think they’ll react positively to anything i’d tell them. so, they might just ridicule me. my father, he’s caused so much emotional damage to me since i was 11 and made me very anxious and insecure. i feel like i’m living with cruel strangers
me:gets test back my mom: sees like an 85 my mom: why isn't it 100?
same here, being with my mom is like sitting beside a ticking time bomb.
Are you guys my lost siblings ?? Cause we have the same shitty parents
@@Kichimeza空虚 lol
:(
Small rant: I have two Dads (they’re divorced) who have different ways of parenting. One (who I live with) doesn’t set any bars and only expects me to do the best I can while being there to support me, which allows me to be independent and set boundaries, allows me to say no, and praises me for my work on school assignments. And one who sets the bar way too high, expects me to be on my best behaviour without talking back and be able to eat whatever he puts on the plate (even though I have a small appetite), and he doesn’t allow me to say no or have an objective opinion without him lashing out. I can’t even be myself without having a sense of fear of letting him down.
some mistakes and behaviors go beyond the norm and end up ruining your child's growth. thank for your sharing
Not letting your child explore
Don’t you think, ever since their birth, the little ones are always learning? Well, we know how you feel when your baby grows by looking at your face, knowing your expressions, and slowly growing to understand you.
@PoggyInnit what's that ?! 😲😲😲😲
I hope to have kids someday, I will let them explore, but I do want to be careful with what I let them watch on TV. Peppa Pig and Caillou are bad influences, so I will instead show them more wholesome programming such as Puffin Rock and Bluey!
@@aspiretoinspire9679 something called “top 5 mysteries”
@@ruetistic ah ok 🥰🥰🥰
@@adultmoshifan87 I hope you ll achieve this goal ASAP 🥰🥰🥰🥰
Can we get a video for parents of young adult children, too, pls? Things that come to mind are: treating them like a kid vs. the reality that you are parenting an adult now, dreams being supported or crushed, levels of nurturing, etc. and in relation to their brain development of course.
Great video!
That's a great idea!
Implying these posers have any actual insight towards parenting
All of the above! This is my life at 26
When I was a child, I was smart, talented and kind. I feel so identificated with this, i've always had at least 4 extra activities after school, I was afraid to say 'no', so people usually abused of my 'kindness', they've always compared me, but I was the best, that made me go so down everytime anyone got better score than me. I've never felt forced to eat, I had anxiety and ate a lot, but usually tomatoe haha.
2 years ago, I was uncomfortable with my body, so I didn't want to go swimming, and they told all their friends that I was so stupid to come out of my room-- it felt so embarassing...
And I've always had good scores, the bad thing is that this year i'm not mentally stable, so I had to focus on myself more because I've been hiding too much for too many time, so my grades went down, not failing but they aren't my As. They can't stop screaming and being mad at me like I killed someone, they can't understand why am I doing that, I'm not only grades, I'm a person :(
It's ok ❤️
I remember back when I was 16, I tried telling my mom ‘no’ when she wanted me to do something I didn’t want to do. It was something I was strongly against doing. She ended up threatening that we couldn’t do anything else in the whole place until I did that one damn thing. It drove me to tears because she would put the blame on me for not doing what she wanted.
Every child deserves a loving parent, but not every parent deserves a child.
This hits close to home, I had to deal with a lot of this growing up.
If you're a parent seeing this, I have respect for you.
Mine would never see this, they'll just say"don't listen to that vid, it's fake" Or give a lecture about something totally else
@@Amoiyakatsu That's my mother right there
@@Amoiyakatsu same
my mom would just go "thats how other people parent, Indians do it this way"
she really thinks she's doing a great job 🙂
If you're a parent watching this, your child is gonna be a failure
Every single parent needs to watch these kinds of videos on this channel. (Even the ones who are parenting the right way)
Number 6 was probably the most relatable rule for me because whenever I got home with, like an 80 on my test, my mom would be mad and had me redo the questions I got wrong, which left me anxious and afraid I wasn’t doing well.
Bc of my mom, i always think that im a dissapointment in my parent eyes. As for my dad and mom, they cause me feel insecure abt myself. And also make me unable to speak up
As a preteen who still lives with her parents they have done a lot of things you have mentioned but they are still very loving parents that if they knew how much harm their doing they would stop this right away:) And I’m very proud to say that!
They failed just by letting you watch this
Pls tell them when yuo can 😊😇
@@strongestgamer2501 how?
@@strongestgamer2501 dang that harsh
they probably want the best for you but they might not realose how harmful it is to you
The biggest mistake that parents make to their children's is putting way too much pressure by putting them up in to much lessons, like such as dance, swimming, gymnastics, soccer. And this could possibility make the child become aggressive as well with their moods swings.
Hope this was helpful!
That last bit of advice hit me in the feels...
My parents were both elementary school teachers. Growing up, the boundaries between school and home life were very blurry. I was allowed to get a grade lower than an A, but if I started falling behind and got a D or F, my parents WOULD NOT ALLOW me to fail. I would have to make up the work with my teacher. Usually one of my parents would arrange for me to do some kind of extra credit and when I was very young, they would supervise my homework on that extra credit. It reinforced my beliefs that I could never act out of line in school or otherwise my parents would know. Bullies, mean teachers, struggles - all that was something I just had to take.
Don't get me wrong. I wish other kids had the option to get the kind of grade support I did. It really helped me set up study habits so that I could avoid those kind of situations. But, I would have also liked the opportunity to fail or at least get a D, because then I might have assigned my OWN value to that grade rather than what my parents did.
Thanks for reading.
your voice is so calming. whenever i fell stressed, your videos are just... just
2:20 welp. I may not be a parent, but my parents say this a lot and that’s probably why I’m so scared to speak up.
I had a hard childhood and I always thought I was a kind loving father but I will never forgive myself for not being as nice as I should be. Thank you for this video, I hope my kids will be better than me.
The best thing a parent can do is to help the child identify their uniqueness and their strengths, and foster them - rather than forcing the child to fit into social checkboxes, or be like others.
^ ^ THIS ^ ^
Exactly!
Sadly, my parents never did the first option. But I do agree!
Humiliate or criticize appearances, asking children to understand them, telling their children are wrong they shouldn't do this over and over again, are some other major damage to children
Another mistake would be being far to soft and lenient, my parents are like that and it has made me fairly lazy. I try not to, and I try to listen to them but it’s hard when I was often spoiled.
I want to have kids when I grow up (I’m 13.). Because of these videos, I know just how to be the best parent for my (future) kids.
My mom often says fun frases often like “now when Christmas break hits you’re gonna have to learn a lot because your German average is 4,1 and I don’t want extra school in the spring break” now I’ve just resorted to hanging out in my room and FaceTiming friends sometimes slaving away at school cuz I have no hobby’s besides gaming :)
Same
oof this is happening w my bro acc
what's 4,1?
my parents used to always ask me, “did you try your best on the test?” if I said yes, even if I got an F, they would be proud of me
Honestly I think celebrating the achievements more and being les negative would boost a childs self esteem and confidence like 200%. My parents barely read self improvement books, forget about meditation, that was like a whole different universe to them.
You are not unique ......
@@evelinaambrosi8745 and you’re not THAT smart
I didn’t know making your kids eat was a bad thing. when I was about 7 or 8 my mother made a “chicken salad” and the texture was just so… eugh and me, a undiagnosed child on the spectrum refused to even try it. my mother and my father made me go to bed starving, and I cried myself to sleep. now I still struggle to try new things, and they still don’t get it.
also, as a young child from the ripe old age of 10 years old, I was yelled at for getting a 67% on a math test. I was told that I didn’t try hard enough- even though I tried my very hardest. now I’m still scared to show “bad” scores to my parents without the fear of being told I wasn’t trying hard enough, and that I should do better.
When I was young I have to much activities…
And yeah, I got stressed a lot and I can’t even say no… I was also compared to other kids, I just feel like I am getting forgot about… TY FOR THIS!
My parents did all of these- and now, I’m bearing the consequences. It’s taking me almost all 30 years to finally be confident and love myself for who I am.
I’m so fucking sorry, it’s disgusting how this is just “the norm” right now, and especially since childhood trauma is such an important factor for later in life
When I was younger I was raised by my grandma. When she cooked she let me pick my portion sizes. But she said I had to choose from each of the foods she made (she always tried to incorporate veggies into all meals), so I had to eat veggies even if it was one small piece of Brussel sprouts. And because of this I’d eat what I want. This actually made me want to eat more vegetables because I knew I had a choice on how much to eat. I could eat mainly veggies and little bread and fruits. Or mainly meat and fruit and little veggies the next day. And with this way I learned to have a healthy relationship with food. I wasn’t obese or malnourished. If a kid truly doesn’t want to eat something they will go out of their way not to.
I wish my mom had been more like your grandma. She'd never give me a choice in what to eat. I had to eat whatever she made, even if I didn't like it, especially in regards to veggies. I'd always be forced to eat them either through threats or having her hover over me.
I wish my parents were more like your grandma
I wish I could've shown my parents this video, so they would know why I "changed" and so they wouldn't blame everything on my phone.
Thank you. Your videos are my therapist
Thanks to this video I realized why I am so agressive... And maybe why I was deprressed... or still am. Thank you.
I already see a few mistakes my parents did although the first one was the opposite for me. Instead of too much, they gave me no extra activities. Just stayed home after school and let my brain rot by watching TV all day, everyday. Can't really blame them because of our economic situation but I can't help but feel resentful as it harmed my social skills and because of that, I had a handful of friends for the entirety of my 12 school years. I still find it hard to socialize with others to this day. As an adult, My mom at times had tried to push me out of the house and 'have fun' but that's hard to do when you developed an anxiety disorder.
My mother compares me a lot of the other teenagers of my age. After she's surprised why I don't have any self-esteem.. I ended up trying to say back "Well you would be surprised if you knew that all other kids are like me"
She stays quiet a while until fighting back again, other excuses
I'm not allowed to cry as well
Sadness is forbidden because it's show weakness
I need to cry for only good reasons
Or my mother will see it as being dramatic, searching attention and much more
Using the phrase; "I know you from since you were just a child, you're always overreacting"
Making me feel invalid about having emotions
And still, I feel deeply wrong when I cry
But sadly I have now BPD because of her and other past events that happened with me
I went through some of this with my stepmom. She would use humiliation, and even taumting as punishment. She would compare me with others. And if I did try my best at something, she’d still find that one mistake that I made. I now live with my biological mom, who loves me no matter what, and she understands me for who I am. I don’t allow myself to feel or struggle, because “it’s a weakness to struggle.” I do my best to be positive and happy 24/7. And I do my best to make life all about rainbows, flowers and sunshine. I do have a lot more love for myself than what I used to.
I'm sorry about the experience with your stepmom, and so glad that you were able to get out of that situation, and now live with someone who understands, supports and love you unconditionally. Still, it sounds like those rough experiences with your stepmom left a mark on how you view emotions and "struggling," It's sad that she gave you such a negative lens on something so positive - how in life are you going to succeed with trying and struggling and improving?
You talk about rainbows and sunshine, but if it were sunshine every day, then there would be no rainbows. Wishing you the best on your healing journey! ❤🩹
@@JoinDrSuri thanks a lot for your wonderful comment. I do believe in healing. And I’m definitely am working on healing. I used to hate myself with a passion, but nowadays, I love myself, even though I’m a bit of a goofball lol. But hey, a lot of my goofball habits, I can live with. There are some gray areas I need to work on, but I believe it is possible.
@@pirupami9746 what’s that?
6:28 THIS ONE. growing up, i always had the best grades anyone could ask for, but as school got harder, the work got more complex and always couldn't understand correctly, and have always achieved for the best, even my mom wants me to achieve the best for me. but everytime i got a grade lower than 70% she would always say "eh, you could do better." even if i know i could do better, it still hurts to hear. after i watched this video, i realized that even if i failed, i knew that i still did my best. thank you guys so much.
the most hurtful things my parents would do to me is propably saying "No, you will do it, you don't have a choice." i don't know why, but i hate. and despise. Not having a choice in the matter, that was the most hurtful thing to me aside from getting hit or being insulted.
I worked hard at what I did and I was smart. My parents never remarked on my successes, just acted like that was simply a baseline. Heavily criticized anything less than perfect. Finally gave up trying to excel and just did what was needed to not "fail". They pitted all us kids against each other, comparing one's weaknesses against another one's strengths. Playing favorites--the suck ups got stuff. And if you didn't suck up, they took away stuff. You couldn't just not say no--you had to enthusiastically say yes. Your time never belonged to you, their wishes were your only priority even if it could have waited. And your stuff, even if you bought it, didn't belong to you. I had to leave most of my possessions behind when I moved out. They quickly disappeared and I'll probably never see them again.
And they wonder why I don't stay in touch...
Parents who are abusive to their children are blind
Sucks to be you, but the world doesn't care
it makes me so sad to know that i see all of these behaviors in my parents. it hurts to know i’ve lost all trust in my parents but i can’t help it when they’ve done all of these things listed
I have super strict parents so I relate to most of the points talked about in the video. Saying no was almost impossible, I am constantly being compared to others, I am super picky when it comes to food (I was forced to eat stuff I hated when I was a child) and my grades still feel like the most important part of my life to them. The last one hit hard since I can't start new hobbies because if I dont succeed the first time I just think that i'll never be able to do it. I dont want to blame everything on my parents but at least now I know not to blame myself for everything either
4:00 I was stubborn and would sit at the table until bedtime. I was not eating something I didn't like. I was then told I would be eating it for breakfast but she would forget and the food would go bad. I win.
You describe my mom perfectly,I maybe have the worst mom ever, I cry every time when she says something so kept a distance from her, now I'm scared of her ever since I was 4, I don't even know her anymore,I don't know if she is doing child abuse, but this video helped me to become a good parent one day😁 thank you for this video
I'm 13 year old girl and my parents always yelled at me without no reason like they're toxic ugh what to say I really hate them they said to me I'm burdened on them and sometimes they didn't even give me food I really hate them
For me, growing up, one of the biggest mistakes that my parents made is not asking permission about things like taking piano lessons or seeing therapists, along with not listening to what I have to say about anything that I find to be extremely important. As a result, I grew up thinking that if ever I tried to be my own person, I was destined to be a failure no matter how smart or hardworking I am, which is obviously not true. I even almost died three times when I was in college because of that mindset.
When I tried to explain to my parents how they've hurt me in some ways multiple times, instead of listening to me, they took what I said as personal attacks and claimed that I was mentally insane, which is ironic because when I was younger, they were the ones telling me to not take everything too personally.
While I can't say that mindset was entirely their fault, I will say that when I learned the hard way that they were the types of people who put more importance on protecting their pride and to an extent, their money, it made me loose trust in them and anyone who claims that I'm mentally insane for wanting to teach others to think from multiple perspectives and to value truth more than comfort just because I was sent to European style schools (both public and private) that rewarded students for thinking outside of the box and being compassionate, responsible, global citizens more than getting As and Bs on tests since I was 10 years old.
At this point, I'm getting along fine with my folks. However, I don't feel comfortable wearing corsets and 90s goth dresses that reach down to my knees around them without them assuming that I don't know anything about interacting with people. Even when I ask them to please not give me any comments about my outfits unless if there's an agent from New York who wants to come and see me, they don't listen.
So yeah, until I can make enough money to move out without having to worry about sacrificing my hopes and dreams of becoming a fully pledged creative (writer, actress, model, etc.), I'm kindof stuck where I am right now. I'm sorry, but I'm not the type of person who enjoys having all of her hard earned money go to rent and groceries. I did that once. It made me angry and depressed.
Thanks for making the video, by the way! I think it's good that you are making videos that are appropriate for parents to watch.
I probaly ask for them the PERMISSION TO BE ALIVE, if they say no, well, expect their country's capital to be taken by the United States
You should never apologize for the way you are just your action.
when i will grow up and be a mother i will try my best to keep my kids happy i wont let them go through what i have gone through i will always truly love all of them equally
They ought to be emotionally stable bcs every emotion has its meaning and importance
HEAVY on the food one. Everytime my parents forced me to eat food, I always felt horrible and the memories will never leave my mind. Now, when I eat a normal amount of food or a food that my parents tried to force me to eat, I feel like throwing up and sometimes sob. No child, or anyone actually, should experience that.
My parents did almost all of these. One thing that really hurt was when my mom would complain about me on a phone call right in front of me when she was mad. Also, sometimes i didn’t know something i did would have made her mad, and she would yell at me, and when i tried making it up she would say “oh no, go watch tv, we don’t need you here”. it really hurts even now. she told me my crushing sadness was normal and a “teen thing”, but i don’t think what i felt was normal. i was really sad when i was a teen, and hearing it was normal made it worse- especially with the emotional abuse from my sister and none of my friends appreciating my boundaries (they are good people but i couldn’t set the boundaries bc of the *no* thing)
I'm just over here watching you list off everything my stepdad did while raising me. I've been trying not to repeat these mistakes with my own son. The craziest thing is how angry he use to get with me before I stopped talking to him because I was "raising him wrong." His favorite lines to us as adults though is to question why we have no self esteem, and why we're so "lazy" (in his opinion) and where he went wrong. 🙄
I wish I could send this to my parents without hearing 'You're so ungrateful.' and 'We are doing the best we can what more do you want?!' Like seriously I am already damaged from my childhood and now I have to watch the same things happen to my siblings because I'm not allowed to say anything about it. It is fucking pathetic how parents cannot see the signs.
I happened to see it as well to my baby sister
The trauma triggers me a lot and I wish my family stop over-dramatic much?!! Gosh I just hate it
When a child is born, a parent is born too. That person existed before but the parent is completely new🙏🌺🌿
My parents did all of these and I tried to let them know how I feel but they thought I was just spoiled, ungrateful, and mean kid but I'm a lot better now that I'm living with my grandmother my grandmother has never done any of these so now I feel safe thank you 😊
I know how you feel. My parents would do the exact same. Not letting me say no, focusing on my grades rather than my effort, forcing me to eat. And whenever I would try to tell them how they'd make me feel, I'd be lectured on how I should be more grateful and of how many kids have worse or even no parents.
I live with just my dad now due to my mom passing, but he still does so many toxic things.
I'm glad that you were able to get away from that environment, and that you're doing better now.
i feel like the best way to teach a kid is to let them figure stuffs out, as long as they're not going to die in the process, of course
If I ever have kids, I will try my best and remember for example this mistakes. I will try my best to avoid these mistakes and that my child will grow up healthy and happy! :)
Thank you as always for this amazing video ~
I wish you the best
I come here to continue my path of learning exactly why I am the way I am with my son. Things I can do better where, areas I need to focus, things I can improve on with him, etc. But man I grew up in such a energy sucking verbally and emotionally abusive environment this kinda triggered the anger I once I had towards my father because he did pretty much all of these.. thought I was past it smh
I'm pretty stressed and tend to keep to myself or bottle it up when I'm mad. Even if I show signs of stress, My family (Of 5!!) never seem to notice, And I want to tell them. Still, I always back down and ignore it, Seeing that someone understands it well enough like you, This made me very emotional, Thank you for making me aware that I'm not alone.
Crying rn~ 😭
I relate to all of these as a teen, but the first two about too many activities and not allowed to say no literally link together for me. My parents have signed me up for 2 martial arts lessons, basketball and 2 tutoring sessions, all of them running weekly, making 5 activity periods for me to attend every week. It was already stressful and annoying in primary school, but ever since I started high school it became unbearable. I have to skip some of my homework just to finish my extracurricular activities (I would rather have my teachers get angry at me than my parents, since God only knows what punishment I'll receive next from my parents). Now, I get lunchtime detentions in school for not finishing the set homework, which I never had to deal with in primary, and I felt hopeless the first few times, but now I'm almost used to it, like it's part of my weekly schedule. The thing is, I actually do well in most of my exams, but I still end up getting B's and C's on my report card since a lot of the marks come from handing in homework. Even worse, I rarely, if not never, say no to my parents, because they'll just tell me that I'm being ungrateful for everything they're doing for me, and that they won't cancel my activities unless I reach a very high goal (example I can't stop martial arts until I reach black belt, right now I'm on red belt, which means at least 4 more graduations, all of which will be long and tiring with no water breaks).
I'm honestly very thankful for this channel to exist. It's made me aware that I might have some mental illnesses and that my parents might be abusing me, just not physically. I feel more comfortable opening up here than to my parents, since I feel like everyone here supports me, and I honestly can't believe that I feel more at ease here than with my parents. Thank you so much!
This makes me want to make sure my kids have good mental health (which I will be sure to do). But thanks for the tips to say to a kid, giving them choices, not pressuring them, etc.
Not teaching your kids how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way makes them become emotionally stunted adults! I had to teach myself that feeling sad, angry, or frustrated is okay. It is okay if other people are aware that you are not feeling that great( as long as you don’t lash out at people). No one is happy-go-lucky 100 percent of the time. When I state my opinion about something that is upsetting to me, my mother always pipes in and tells me that I’m just angry all of the time. I told her how her words hurt me but it didn’t really sink in for her until my siblings ( younger)started speaking up for me. She has a saying about moments of great frustration, “ crying wont fix the problem”. What she didn’t realize is that in the moment, crying is a great stress reliever!Parents, please do not negate your child’s emotions. It’s always a good idea to ask if they just need to rant or if they are seeking advice. Negating your child’s emotions will have a detrimental effect on their coping abilities as adults. Trust me, I know.
My parents never let me say no as a kid and always have such a hard time talking about boundaries or communicating what I was in any case. I wish this video was around when I was younger lol
I'm sorry you were never allowed to say "no" to your parents, the irony part is how they can say it to us but not to them, ridiculous double standard there if you ask me, but the more ridiculous part is how many adults especially in the workplace have a hard ass time being able to say "no" to their boss, that does make me cringe 😬
Will definitely do number 6. Praise the hard work and effort my kid has done and will do.
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Whenever I get a hundred percent on a test and my mom figures out, she congratulates me (in Spanish) but when I get a bad grade, she yells at me and tells me to pay more attention and study, and I want to tell her that I’m trying my best, but I’m afraid of what she’ll think, bc she judges my opinions on stuff and also accused me of lying one time even though she had no proof.
I don’t think that she ever thought that I’m trying my hardest, even when I get a bad grade. I feel like she never congratulates me if I get anything below 100%. Also she always knows when I get a bad grade without me telling her, yet whenever I get 100% on a test I have to tell her for her to congratulate me. Idk if it’s on purpose or not, but these things annoy me so much
And most of the time when I get 100% she doesn’t praise me. I get praise from my classmates and teachers all the time, but rarely from my mom. One time a classmate of mine said,” Why does I (my initial of my name) always get good grades?” And my teacher said “Because she pays attention.” You see, my mom would NEVER say smth like that about me. Whenever I draw smth, my classmates always compliment my drawings, but whenever I show a drawing to my mom, she doesn’t seem to say anything. It annoys me so much, and I feel like I need to be perfect for her to accept me. She ain’t abusive though.
I relate to all of these I'm 19 now and didn't even allow me to choose a course of my preference to study they still compare me to my elder sister and cousin but can't fight back when they pull the 'i'm your parent i work hard for your happiness ' i feel pathetic
a VERY POWERFUL VIDEO especially for young parents looking for advice about how to raise their children. THANK YOU for a wonderful video 🙏 ❤️
I can relate to most of these signs but the ones that hit home are 3,5 and 6. And it sucks that it took me seeing my parents do the same to my younger sibling to notice that it happens to us both.
I just don’t get why some parents don’t listen to their kids when they want to communicate what bothers them or how they feel. Some just completely shut them down or dismiss what they have to say or just get angry because they feel they are being “disrespected” (it all depends on how the message is being delivered tho)
My cousin graduated a year early with amazing grades and many colleges reaching out to her. I barely passed my classes. My mom and dad sometimes would bring this up and it drove me crazy.
I love my parents and they're not bad parents, but they did make some of these mistakes. I now have a hard time saying no and am constantly getting snappy at the smallest frustration.
As a parent, I really appreciate this video, this makes my relation to my son and daughter even get more better, When my son showed me this, i knew i had to do something so this is really important to other families too!
tbh the more i watch your videos, the more i realize how i’ve bad ive got it with my parents, and why im depressed. glad to know its not entirely my fault👍
The one I relate the most to is the last one. I remember being in elementary and doing really good, not the highest, but still like around top 5. I would get a 10 and my mom would be happy and congratulate me but no more than that. Sometimes i went as far as ask for an ice cream for a perfect 10 but she only said that “studying was my responsibility”. Then it got as bad as her telling me that an 8 (which now i can recognize as an acceptable grade) was like failing in her eyes. Fast forward to middle school, there was one time i had a panic attack and curling up in a ball in a corner in the classroom for getting a 92 in physics instead of the minimum of 95 my mom wanted. Some of mu classmates would look at me weird because “92 is a great grade, what’s wrong with you” or other kind i thought would relate saying that they “expected a bit more” but “weren’t going to make a big deal out of it”. It made me feel worse. But that’s nothing compared to the times i actually failed, one time even going as far as begging for a couple extra points.
Today i’m 17 and in my last year of high school, and while this has gotten a lot better (after literal breakdowns), i can’t deny it didn’t affect me: subjects i don’t like i just want to pass, the ones i like better i feel a little unmotivated to study for, it also left me with depression, anxiety and trich.
I’m glad she now focuses more on my effort and me learning from my mistakes (and cala out my dad for sometimes focusing more on what i did wrong) than the grade
I wish my mom watched this. She used bad methods to teach me, and most times it just didn't work. In the end of the day, I learned alone better than with her methods.
For example: when I was around 7 I couldn't take pills, so my mom would force me to take them, wich caused me a lot of anxiety everytime I needed to take one. Now I am 17 and I still can't take most pills (just the smallest pills).
this doesn't have to do with anything but my mom is really confused when I take a big pill without water
@@betka5791 omg 😂
i’m 17 and still can’t take pills :/
Well, I am 22 and I can't take a pill unless I crushed it first so I could swallow it.
Wait you guys are taking pills?
I'm not a parent but on the part about "forcing children to eat", I can relate. My parents had split from around the time I was 4 and there would be weekends where my older sister and I would go visit with our Dad. Now it wasn't so much our dad as his girlfriend at the time or our aunt on his side of the family that would make me sit at the table and finish my vegetables 😕. I remember two instances of where I was forced to stay at the table. The first was my dad's girlfriend telling me that I had to eat my green beans before I could get up from the table. Now I'm not quite sure if it was because I couldn't get up from the table until I cleared my plate or if I genuinely felt this way but I tried the green beans and thought they tasted like rotten potatoes. Needless to say after my dad's girlfriend left the room, I got up from my chair and dumped the green beans in the garbage and tried to hide them under the foam plate. The other time, my aunt took me to the mocha house and I got a cake that I thought I would finish eating. My aunt got some kind of fettuccine with mushrooms in it. She tried to feed me a mushroom and she wouldn't stop until I tasted the mushroom, which again, I didn't know if I genuinely didn't like the food or because I was told to just eat it that my mind told me that I didn't like it. Long story short, these days the only fruits and vegetables I eat are bananas, potatoes and corn 😕🙁 and I'm not exactly in the healthy weight side of things 🙁
I had a simular experience, along with being forced to eat food at dinner, if i didnt finish my meal, it would pass though for every other meal, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and on school days, I wouldnt get a snack because i didnt finish my food. its a bummer parents believe its gonna do something good
I relate heavily to this. Growing up, my mom would always force me to eat vegetables, even though I didn't like them. She'd yell at me, threaten me, and stand over me until I ate them. I have no problem eating many vegetables now, but there are still some that I won't eat b/c I just don't like them, but often at times I remember what my mom would do if I didn't eat, and it gives me slight anxiety
my mom didnt really force me to eat my food, like if im full i can only eat a bit, but eating them is a must, and i dont think she did anything wrong because, i dont hate vegetables anymore actually! i kind of like them now hehe
@@neeks1169 I'm 15 and they still do this
@@MeIsSmogee that sucks... Now if im not very hungry they just wait and make sure I eat the vegetables, I don't have to eat everything else
Watching this video broke my heart as I’ve experienced each of the parenting mistakes but it also made me realize that nothing is wrong with me and all of those weren’t my fault😊
Pysch2go I always watch you! Your art is beautiful! ❤