PDA demmands- the worst is when im finally about to do a task I couldn't do...but someone "suggests" I do that task. So brain suddenly cannot. Also the demmand of deadlines...
Thanks for saying that minimizing obligations is a legit accomodation. I feel like most of society pushes the idea that the more obligations a person manages or carries, the more worth a person has. That makes my PDA go absolutely nuts. Teaching myself that im a worthy human being even on the days i dont get out of bed has been a journey. The conditioning i had as a child was so ableist and shaming. 😢
Well you are spot on right we don't want to pay you more for less. Normal demand avoidance would be trying not to hire somebody who has these characteristics and consumes a lot of time and resources with limited productivity. It pays a lot more have the ability to manage a bunch of autistic people, you hired this guy and he is concerned more so than anything that isn't unfair to him at work. It's going to be impossible to make any money on a guy with his condition you paid hourly he's glad to take the money and complain about how much harder he has to work than the other guy that you pay hourly.
OH MY GOD. What you said about advertisements being a demand. You're so right about that. That's why whenever an ad comes on TV I scream "I DON'T CARE!!!" at the TV 😂😂😂 for the longest time I thought I was a horrible person because I hate when people give me suggestions or advice and I thought it meant I had less humility than others. But it's not really about that. It gives me a visceral ick. Its a bad physical feeling that I want to avoid.
I have 100% sales resistance. The worst thing a place of business can do, is try to sell me something. I was surprised at myself the other week at Best Buy. I needed to buy a new printer, but was on my way to walk out of the store due to my brain freezing up on me. Could not decide what to buy. On my way out, saw a floor display of one model of printer on sale. I stopped to look at the specs, and a nice, hopeful young sales guy came over, "Can I help you?" I blurted out, "I really don't interact well with sales people." To my amazement the guy just said, "OK, call me if you need anything" and walked away. A minute later I decided this was the exact printer I needed, picked it up and paid for it. I wish I learned to say that years ago.
I feel that way anytime I walk into a store in a mall and I have sales people coming up to me trying to sell me something. I work in a store as well, but I just like to generally ask people if they are finding everything they're looking for. I don't like to force people to buy something they don't want. I think that makes me different than most people.
Commercials are something I feel like we all take for granted. First you’ll get super annoyed with them but then like 10 years down the line you’ll get nostalgic and watch entire compilations of them on RUclips… Or maybe that’s just me 😅
@@thetonytaye However, at that point, the commercials are not commercial, but pieces of fun media we watch for nostalgia. That is, it is no longer a demand, but just entertainment.
The internet and social platforms have become unbearable bc of this! And with the notifications too. You can’t turn em off fast enough to stay ahead of all the new ways they’ll come up with to demand your attention. The only way out is to delete the platform (or, to circle back to the original metaphor, throw the tv out the window 😂)
Not only realizing I'm autistic but also learning _from the point of view of the autistic person_ what PDA entails and that it applies to _me_ has been life changing. In case it helps others, this is how it's shown itself in me: In high school, when all my mental health and physical health problems hit me like a truck and went undiagnosed, I stopped doing homework. Entirely. _Even if I wanted to._ I remember in senior year, I had this entire essay about Ophelia in Hamlet planned out that I was _excited_ to write because I felt I had a unique perspective! _I NEVER WROTE IT._ I would sit at the kitchen table, take out all my supplies from my backpack, and stare at my untouched homework for _hours straight_ and refusing to touch it. I just... couldn't fucking do it. I couldn't. Because homework is a required demand with a deadline. To this day this persists with medical documents and making appointments. My dad has to do those things for me, because I just _can not fucking do it._ Also, one of the things I got into trouble with a lot as a kid was when me and my parents would go out shopping somewhere and, "You got what _you_ wanted and now you want to be done and leave. You were nice until we got _your_ things, and now you're being a brat!" Well, I never had the words or even the ability to recognize that it was because shopping, as much as I might enjoy it, _exhausts_ me. So I would hurry us to get the _me_ part of shopping done, and because I didn't need to focus on what we were doing or we were going, I suddenly felt the exhaustion, the sensory overload, the boredom, etc (I was also undiagnosed ADHD until I was 17, so that didn't help!). Even now, I struggle with a messy room. And I don't mean "messy", I mean it looks like a scene from Hoarders. Not because it's full of hoarded things and trash, but like... the "everything is strewn on the floor, nothing is in drawers and every article of clothing I own is piled on the bed and on the floor alongside all of my actual stuff" kinda mess. It's terrible. And if I wake up capable of working on cleaning some of it, all of that motivation will _instantly_ vanish the moment my dad says "Hey, maybe try working on your room today! :D" Like, he means well, but the instant he mentions it, all motivation leaves and I just wanna throw everything I just cleaned back onto the floor and scream _"fuck you!"_ And I think it's because, the instant my dad says anything about cleaning my room, I'm no longer doing it for myself, I'm doing it _for him._ I'm not cleaning because I wanted to and was able, I'm cleaning _because he told me to._ And while obviously that's not true, that's what it _feels_ like, and thus all want to do it is gone instantly. Also, y'know how some people say they _need_ deadlines to get things done? That if they don't have a deadline, they won't do it? I'm the _exact opposite._ The _instant_ something has a deadline, I _can't fucking do it._ Because it's now a demand, and I just _can't handle that._ Anyway, there's more, but I'm super tired and running late, so I'll leave this here 💕
This is extremely relatable. I tried going therapy a few weeks ago and for part of it was struggling to explain this exact thing. Like no, I don’t need a deadline. I just want to do things for myself!
I’m similar - except, my mother won’t say things in a nice or even ‘here, hey’s a suggestion’ kind of way. She’ll call me lazy and treat me like I’m either stupid or malicious, even if the ‘problem’ has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her. As if I am not looking after myself not because it’s difficult, but to spite her. Then even if I have the motivation and energy to do something for myself, when she says something about it, it stops being an action that I did so I could feel happy about it. It instead becomes an action I perform to prove that I don’t deserve whatever she has said about me. Something I’m doing to prove I’m good enough. Obviously that kills my motivation. A day passes. Encore.
I just turned 71 neglected and made the family scapegoat from a very young age then married into endless trauma and just now realizing that I too am pda. I once spent 3 years basically in bed, taking the garbage out in the middle of the night so that I wouldn't run into anyone who is awake during the day and sleeping at night. It's all swirling away in my head. I am currently happily single (never mind telling me that I need a mate, boundaries up there), retired and have as few obligations as humanly possible. I force myself to be social every so often but it is so exhausting. Time for some more therapy but so many therapists out there don't link traumatized neurodivergent pda and retelling my history over and over again to find the right therapist can trigger me into a shutdown. But I'm still working on it and probably doing better now than I havr ever done in my whole life. Just keep swimmin'
You don’t want to get MeToo’d like other autistics around your age. Just look up Danny Elfman for instance. It’s disgusting what these narcs do to people who are autistic or even just harmlessly weird.
Lol...Just keep swimming...thats my mantra too. 63 And what you said totally sounds like me. I have many people free days, love being single and quite happy in my own company.
My parent's marriage blew up after 40 years. I'm sorry, that grief is hard. My mom BPD, PTSD, and dad ADHD PDA... holy crap they were wildly dysfunctional. Both their kids are PDA. I'm finally getting help alone with my 2 kids on the spectrum. Stay strong and congrats on retirement.
my coaching teacher once explained double binds to me. a usual double bind is when no matte what you do its wrong. he theorized that you could create positive double binds with clients, so no matter what they do its right. i think thats whats important to use with myself as an autist but also with other people, especially with pda. you can do this, you can not do this, its gonna be great either way, im gonna be here no matter what.
Interesting idea, the idea of creating positive double binds (if that is possible). Do you have an example you could share of a specific positive double bind, what it would look like in actuality?
@@semilorekaji-hausa2078 for me just a simple acceptance of myself no matter what i decide to do, works: "i'm here for you, i accept you, no matter whether you decide for what i deem right or not" double binds are usually about rejection and punishment no matter what you chose. its wrong either way. a positive double bind for me would be connection and reward no matter what. i actually had to work a lot to get to a point where i could give that (back) to myself. to not have to do smth to be worth smth and then failing anyway but instead being allowed to live no matter what and deciding what i want to do with that life from there.
@@elizabethlee2136 If you clean your room, you'll have less visual clutter and perhaps some sensory relief. If you don't clean your room, you'll have more energy for other things and less readjusting to do in regards to where your things are. Either way is a good thing! Does that help?
@hjm9586 you made an awful lot of assumptions. He is diagnosed autistic, ADHD, PTSD. There is not a single Dr in my region that is educated on PDA so we cannot get that aspect of the diagnoses verified but he is definitely PDA as well as myself. He is in therapy 3x week and I'm in therapy 2x a week. I homeschool him because he cannot function with the demands or environment at public schools and the local public schools don't even understand autism at all, and they constantly punished him for being triggered. I do research because there's lots of information from people online about PDA. But we live in a region where the specialists have no clue what they are doing. He has excellent therapists but even they don't understand PDA. I can do more for him as a fellow PDA individual who understands what he's going through vs all the specialists who are familiar with autism but have never heard of PDA.
@@hjm9586excuse you? read and reread their comment before replying. What's hilarious is we're usually the ones accused of not being able to read between the lines in a conversation but she literally use the words help him and discovered Dash part of the process of diagnosis is talking to doctors at length about family history and not just a child. ignorant of you.
I was diagnosed ADHD and Oppositional Defiant in 1982. I was 9. This was a time when girls never got diagnosed with autism... like ever, and it was practically unheard of to diagnose girls with ADHD. I was a pioneer. lol When I was a teenager when I got diagnosed with BOTH Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and when I was 19 one doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Turns out, I was just autistic. But that is neither here nor there. In the last couple of years I have been learning more and more about autism. I never heard PDA called Persistent Drive for Autonomy, but I gotta say... I LOVE THAT, because it was never really about avoiding demands. Although one of my favorite saying is "Screw you, I do what I want." That said, yes. I freak out when I am expected to do stuff. Saying it is like fighting a tiger is super accurate for me. When you make demand of yourself, like I am going to clean my room to-DAY! And on top of that you have executive disfunction where your brain say one thing and your body just says NOPE! And you just sit there fighting that tiger. It's so hard to explain it to people who don't experience it what it is like, because I can totally understand why it looks like just being lazy to some people. Going to a restaurant and not even looking at the menu and just eating the same exact thing over and over again because you trust that thing and it means you don't have to choose. It is all connected in a way that just makes life hard all around. I don't know if you can tell by this manifesto I have just written, but I relate to so much of this. Thank you for being such a role model for this community and for me... even though I am old enough to be your grandma. :)
Wait, so are you saying that having to make constant choices all of the time feeling like a burden is a sign of pda? Or can be a sign of it? I have become also that way about clothing. And I'm also in the grandmother category!
@@noblethoughts4500 I think so. And I also think avoiding demands and withdrawing is a sign, which is another thing I see especially older autistics doing and even more specifically older autistic women doing. The troupe of the "Crazy old lady" recluse who lives in a potential hoarding environment. We make fun of that all the time in our society, or we think it's just really sad. But when I think about it in terms of autism it puts a whole new spin on it. The ultimate demand avoidance is having no demands placed on us, by society, family, or anything or anybody else. And in which case we are also not a burden on anybody else either.
@notville_ What an odd and disjointed thing to say. Like, f you dude. But yet... what? Like... WHAT? You new here? Do you even know what we are talking about? Life is pressure? I'm sorry, what the fuck does that even mean? WTF is wrong with you? PS! I am grown, thank you. Take your own advice and grow the fuck up.
Hi PDA autistic here and homework is absolutely the worst thing for my brain. I had no idea why I couldn’t bring myself to do it despite desperately wanting to do well in school. This horrible dynamic lead me to many years of severe mental illness. I’m so glad I understand what was going on now and that more people are talking about PDA. Now I can actually approach my life and brain constructively and with compassion instead of punishing it with internal demands. I hope that soon people will understand the current education system to be child abuse and replace it. Maybe then we can finally start fostering a thriving society full of mentally healthy engaged individuals.
I don’t think it should be graded if it’s meant to teach you the material (as opposed to something more like a take-home test) because then you’ll be too focused on the deadline to remember it properly.
I'm ADHD with a lot of traits that mirror autism (but not really enough for me to be confident in self-dxing and definitely not enough for an official dx) and my partner is AuDHD. He struggles a LOT with PDA, and it's something we've been working together on trying to find solutions for-making it clear that he might not be able to come when making plans was a big one, and another thing we find can help is a form of parallel play! If I'm brushing my teeth or taking a shower or going to bed etc etc, he finds it easier to just join in rather than initiate on his own... And feeling like I'm doing a task to help him rather than doing it for myself helps to overcome some of my executive dysfunction! It's not something that works all the time, obviously, but it's something that can help. It's something we do even long-distance-a common plan for us is "shower pact" days, lol 😁
PDA also is correlated with ADHD. In fact some articles even suggested it's an autism ADHD combo. With ADHD it's definitely not uncommon to have autistic traits. In fact lots of children with severe adhd actually got misdiagnosed with autism (i was one of those). please do not self dx as this has harmed many children including me. Sorry if this that's a demand, I just wanted you to know lots of ADHD children have been harmed by this. These children receive the wrong treatment for what they actually have
I swear the autistic community knows more about how we are than any other source. I cannot handle pressure (or demand) well at. All. So I've learned not to put it on myself unless i want to feel bad about myself for not succumbing to it. I refuse. Life feels more gentle, easy, and flowy (and not traumatising) for me if i do it at my own pace, and in my own way. I wish we as a community could regulate our own community, instead of relying on doctors (apart from when we need medication of course) to tell us "how we are". Because we're truthful, we can detect if someone's dishonest (especially if someone were to fake being nd), we self identify our traits. And we'd name our afflictions with actual helpful words. I dislike the names the psychiatric community comes up with as they're damaging and misleading. I feel we'd come up with better descriptive yet unbiased titles. Pda? No. How about Self Paced Alignment or, SPA. Not actually this, but you get the idea. This way, you could understand from the title alone that this person requires living at their own pace to help them live a well life. 🤔
Except it Also includes bodily functions. So it IS pathological as it makes No sense to avoid say, going to the bathroom for a week cuz your body is demanding it.
as a PDA auDHDer, i've recently been sensing that my PDA is actually quite extreme the more i learn about it. this video really validated that for me so thankyou Paige 😊 PDA is such bullshit though, i feel like im constantly parenting and disciplining myself so that i actually get myself to fulfil perceived and internal demands. and for me; literally everything is a demand. even things i like 😮💨 sometimes it gets so bad that thinking feels like a demand. apparently my first word i ever said was "no" so that was probably foreshadowing 😂 loving your content as always Paige, thank you for another entertaining and informative video ❤
‘No’ and ‘Dad’ are the most common first words simply because the require a lot of tongue and not much lip, jaw or air. Yes and Mum are a bit trickier with the former perhaps more to do with the feeling one gets when we learn to say it. Umum seems to come before Mum. Yes is actually quite tricky to learn and why we see children often use a ’Th’ tongue action as in ‘Yeth’ or in a better attempt, block the Sssss sound at the front of the palate and force the air out between the back of the tongue and molars, which can be a hard one to change if it becomes normal.
You just have to convince yourself, (oj trick yourself) a thing is worth doing, there are techniques, but its idiosyncratic, i think my 'pda' if it was ever severe, is now less so, over time
Definitely PDAer. I am 44 and didn't realize I was autistic until about 6 months ago, but this has been my lifelong experience. I would ask to take naps as a toddler because if I asked, it wasn't stressful but if my mom did I'd melt down. Anything that feels like an obligation triggers fight or flight, especially social obligations and work. I like my job, my boss and get to work from home but I spend more time hating and fighting against working (which is miserable and I hate it) than actually doing work tasks. Being on the clock, no matter how low stakes and accommodating my job is, is low key enraging. Having words for it helps, but I really want a way to opt out of Capitalism and I haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for a great video and a meaningful topic!
I had an idea about 5 years ago when i stumbled across the term, i might have it mild in some respects, extreme pathologically psychotically unrepentantly in others, depends on if i'm having a bad day
@@moss_on_mushroom just opt out now, the system is so big it can support a few 'drop outs' its only if everybody did it , that society could collapse, at this present time
I think this is me. But, I'm starting to wonder if all of the people who "drop out" of society might have this as a basic part of their make-up. Refusing to get off of drugs, or follow the rules to get housing or shelter. I know I only got away with the life I have, because at an early age I was diverted into the "mental illness" track. I went on medication, behaved myself, and stayed home. Lived with my parents until they died. Now live alone on a small disability income with my cats. I always knew that if I had not been middle-class, and willing to give up most normal things in life, I could have ended up on the streets, probably abusing substances, and every bad thing that can happen to a person could have happened to me. This is not a good way to live, I urge anybody who is going down this path to do what you can to be different. I know years of medication and therapy only kept me safe, in my little shrunken life.
as someone with a similar story (and similar knowledge of just how much of our lives is determined by sheer, dumb luck), i just want to say that i'm proud of you for surviving.
I’m actually struggling more now than when I was a kid. I think back then, I managed stress differently and somehow found ways around it. Like I’d tell myself, I’m not doing x just because so-and-so wants me to. I’m doing it because I’ve decided it’s the best option for me under the circumstances. At some point it’s like I stopped valuing my own perspective and basically became very lost.
when you have pathological demand avoidance and freeze as your main response! this is me. it makes everything sooo difficult. thanks for making this video
YES Especially if things you try to decide *for yourself* to do *because you WANT to* can still sometimes register as demands. Which is absolutely the case with me, I can't tell you how many times I wake up and think "ooh I want to do this thing today" only to get to the time that would work, put it off, avoid it, and eventually just not do it at all.
I've had this happen, you have to trick your brain slowly towards things. It's like stalling , you have to ease into it. think this is a common ADHD trait, when facing challenges and tasks.
I'm a psychology major with PDA and I really appreciate the neurological explanation of this. I also deal with CPTSD and the combination finds me reacting very similarly to you where the freeze/dissociation combo will take over. Really love the insight into your experience, great to feel seen in a shared experience!
I think the key is to be more selfish, self- driven like a terminator. Watch your CPTSD fizzle away. The PDA thing. Well i have that. But i can work around it. Oh there's that control thing again. Yeah, if i feel in control, everything is fine. I am invincible. i only freeze when i have to do something incredibly boring, or if i'm on verge of a psychical altercation with somebody bigger than myself
like you can have executive dysfunction by having depression without pda, you can also have it with it or “just” pda. but experiencing executive dysfunction won’t always be the sign of pda?
probably depends on the source of the distress. if resistance to tasks comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed with steps or being unable to conceptualize yourself carrying out the task, that is probably related to executive dysfunction. if it comes from a feeling of being forced, rushed, or pressured into doing a task (by whatever or whoever is proposing that task), it may be PDA. i assume they can overlap or affect the same situation in different ways.
I just came across this and it absolutely applies to me. I've literally had conversations with people on how personal autonomy is one of the most important things in existence and damn right I'm going to want it 24/7 and have it wherever and whenever possible. In fact, I've studied psychology and cult behavior since I was a kid as further protection to simply never, ever be controlled. The same with scammers, literally all around us. Believe me, if someone is going to even attempt to control me , I'm going to immediately get incredibly uncomfortable and find a way to put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY, or to exit the situation. Thanks for making this!
This makes so much sense! As an elementary school special education teacher, giving students choice gets me so far with students! Just like how you mentioned the blue or red cup, giving my kids a choice where they would like to work on their assignments amongst other ways to appropriately offer choice helps them feel in control and safe.
A demand I avoided like the plague was expectations. I would hide my good grades from friends and presented myself as a 'dumb blonde' because I didn't want the pressure of having to keep doing well at school. It also makes me feel sick when people seek emotional or physical reciprocation, don't make me act a way or say a thing just because you felt like doing it... I also hate compliments, so painful, give me feedback I can use but don't just say a nice thing for a reaction. Have heard some PDAers hate getting gifts, and while this one's not such a struggle for me, I do feel the ick of opening an unknown thing and having to present the correct emotion for the satisfaction of the gift giver... urgh.
This reminds me of Sheldon on Big Bang freaking out when Penny buys him a present, needing to pick one out that was of exactly the same value to give to her. Says she hasn't given him a job she's given him an obligation (to give a gift in return).
Hey Paige! Thank you for this! I've always had this moderate , internal version of this. My mum has a severe, often external version of this, the point that when she clearly had a foot injury and I pleaded with to go for a 2 day hospital stay in August 2019, she outright refused until she fell in late Sept and I told the EMTs to look at her right heel. There was a silver dollar sized hole in her skin -- the bone. She was in the hospital 9 weeks and nearly lost her foot. She recovered and she takes advice more, but I can tell she hates it every time. I like the 10 min tiktok to YT vid format.💕
Omg, that's so me. Maybe not that extreme, but I always put off medical things. And the more people remind me, the less likely I am to do anything. Although I think part of it might be anxiety over arranging an appointment, talking to the receptionist etc, especially over the phone. Like, my optician keeps sending me letters reminding me to make an appointment. Just give me an appointment, my guy! I'll turn up! I know full well my eyes need testing, but there's no way I'm making an appointment.
I can definitely understand you more now, ever person is soooo different so hearing your perspective and thoughts really does open up new questions about things I’ve never even thought of. I have ADHD and since learning about it, I realize the way I reacted as a child to the way people would word things was directly linked to my ADHD. Such things as being told to do something while I’m starting to do it or was about to would really make me upset. So it makes sense that asking you a direct question would make you uncomfortable and freeze. Simply asking what cup makes them feel like they have a choice still but not needing to answer anything that is overwhelming. Thank you for sharing!😊
I think my 6 year old daughter shows signs of being PDA autistic. She has since she was able to express her desire for autonomy! (Example, she got very stressed at about 2 years old when I offered to help her get dressed AND when I asked if she wanted to dress herself independently. This was to prepare for a thing that she WANTED to do but either option made her panicky and angry.) We’re both learning how to avoid and navigate demands. We BOTH have a much better time with “Dinner is ready,” rather than “It’s time for dinner.” ❤
I have the feeling PDA applies to me, even though I may not have it very extremely. When someone asks me to do something (like clean my room, go to the store,...), especially when I was already planning in my mind to do that thing, it frustrates me SO MUCH and makes me not wanna do it anymore. To still do it, it feels like I have to fight against my body. It makes tasks very hard sometimes, and I feel guilty because of it because I want to help the people around me. When I was a kid, I also told my mom to stop asking me how my day went, I guess because it felt like a demand. But the thing is, when I read these stories in the comments, I feel like I don't have it the worst, because most of the time, I still do the tasks (maybe a bit later or while fighting against my body). I also like getting older, because you get more and more autonomy over your choices. I get to choose where I live, what I study, what hobbies I do, etc.
My daughter was diagnosed as autistic this past summer. I have just scratched the surface learning about PDA and it’s like a lightbulb went off. Literally EVERYTHING is making so much sense! I definitely get yelled at the most. I never know what or what not to do/ say. I always feel I’m wrong. It’s difficult to navigate but I’ll never give up trying.
I'm absolutely PDA Autistic :) I really appreciate you sharing about this! My mom told me over facetime to go put my groceries away... because she saw them on the kitchen table... when i tell you i ended up letting that produce rot on my counter and fought myself about it every single day...
Thank you so much for this!! This has helped me and my wife so much! This put language to what we have been seeing and dealing with in our son for years, but this is just so clear and concise! We know this is going to help us in our interactions with him! Thank you a thousand times!!
Oh my god, you just took the words out of my mouth. I wish my mom spoke fluent english so that I could show her this. This is exactly why I 1) couldn't do my homework as soon as I was expected to (which is basically always) 2) having my parents watch over me while I studied was genuinely painful (literally til this day I have entire stims that stemmed just from this and they're some of the most self-destructive stims that I have) and 3) I would've rather gone out naked than to have to wear ANYTHING that my mom picked out for me. Thank god for the internet. I would've never had a name for this and I would've just felt like a failure for the rest of my life. I always thought it was an ADHD thing, and from the outside it seems like it, but it really isn't. I never comment anywhere but reading comments from fellow autistics is some of the most comforting and relatable stuff, so I hope that someone can get something out of this ❤️❤️
I've been experiencing and describing this MY WHOLE LIFE. It's so funny my therapist said my autism is so pervasive its like a whole second person in the room with us and i didn't really get it. I didn't realize how many things about me were autism. Like...i actually have tears in my eyes. I was only recently diagnosed and I'm in my 30s. It's... such a flood of emotions to have been judged and hated or punished or whatever your ENTIRE life and to have had zero help or compassion or understanding from anybody, not even your parents.... and to FINALLY FINALLY understand yourself and why you do things you do, and to understand, truly, that it really ISN'T your fault, and that you're not in denial or lying, that you really CAN'T control this auto response. What's wild is, one of my parents worked with children with special needs including autism. This was the 90s though, and im a girl. With a very high IQ and who did everything super early in life, like walking at 9 months, potty trained before the age of 1, reading adult level novels at the age of 5. I can see how i could slip through the cracks. Except i didn't...i was very clearly a problem in grade school the school had a social worker did the year or two, to deal with the ME problrm, and whatever agencies were investigating my parents. Nobody could understand the cause of my intermittent yet omgwtf behavior, so they thought maybe it was abuse. So, i learned to do what i now understand is masking. Like. I can't tell if i feel relieved or what. Im paused right at the point where you're about to give tips. I've already sent this to my mom and hubby.
Thank you so much for your videos on PDA. My daughter is PDA and I've learned a lot about it but the best source of knowledge is from PDA adults who have experienced it and know it inside out.
A successful way I've figured out to deal with some damands my husband gives me: I lay down with no phone or anything, let the awful feelings pass through me then I rationalize his request into my own idea/ request. Also the time it takes helps because its giving space between the request and myself. If he asks for help, usually I can do it. Sometimes i still anxiety around it. Idk. Would love to hear anyone's elses strategies. When I had a huge damand day I basically cannot take it anymore. Even the smallest thing I will probably react very badly too or have a meltdown.
logically ik that thats not true though and im actually pretty cynical about humanity, but in the moment of talking to someone i automatically assume theyre a kind person. this is why i didnt realize i was bullied in middle school until years after edit: i thought about it a bit more and i wanted to add that this might just be because i have hyper empathy. i also have rlly strict morals and one of them is that judging people is wrong unless theyre like straight up evil
That happened to Danny Elfman. He got MeToo’d by a couple of narcissists who expect the court of public opinion to believe them and cancel him just because he’s weird if not autistic.
@@nuclearcatbaby1131 idk anything about that specific case, but i think all sexual assault allegations should be taken seriously. narcissism is a diagnosable disorder and using it against potential victims (even if you believe they are lying) makes others afraid to come forward about their abuse. neurodivergent ppl do get misjudged often, so i do understand the point you're trying to make, but autistic people can still be bad people sometimes.
@@_eIIiot And then the other one expects us to believe that she was his special friend for five years yet he never even got to first base with her, just wanked off to her in her sleep like some kind of incel... and this is the same man who married a Hollywood sex symbol two years later?! Also inconsistent with the other story since according to this one he needs her to be asleep because that’s his fetish while the other one said he did it while she was awake. I think maybe what it is is that he felt too comfortable with them as friends too soon with them so he told them a personal secret about how he feels more comfortable composing without clothes on and they took that to be grooming or tried to spin it as such.
You are fucking awesome! I just started learn about Autism and PDA. Noone in any video seems to be so energetic and self confident as you. Go, go girl! You just gave me a lot of strength! I am PDA and usually I hate do things "together". You are great with your energy, honestly, sense of humor. I love when you sing, I love your directness. PS. I love your "The end of the video song" !
I always remember in elementary school, we were assigned 20 minutes of independent reading time every night. I read all the time and I always said to my family, "I don't need to do the 20 minutes of independent reading because I just read so much anyway". Because I really did read that much, they agreed and didn't enforce it. But one time my sister was mad because she had to do her 20 minutes of reading, so my stepdad said, "Lexi has to do it too!" He was 100% only thinking "this is an easy way to get [sister] to do it and Lexi won't mind because she enjoys reading" but I got SO mad. I threw a tantrum, I went and hid in my closet. Eventually I WANTED to read to calm myself down but I also refused to because that would mean I'd thrown a tantrum for no reason. That really stuck with me because it was such a bizarre moment, even I didn't understand why I reacted that way... until a few months ago when someone told me about PDA autism for the first time. Over ten years later and it finally makes sense.
I have never related more to someones description of their childhood. I remember every week of summer my 'chore' would be mowing the lawn, & I think we all know how that went. Screaming, arguing, crying, dissociation, and avoidance, really just everything I could do to show my discomfort yet it was a battle fought yearly till I moved out
As a small kid I hated when the grownups told me I had to say "please" & "thank you." "What's the magic word?" I knew what they wanted me to say but there was no way I was going to say it. I hated "please" & "thank you."I never knew why but I hated those stupid words. I hated using names, too, & made my grandfather angry when I yelled over, "Hey you!" I didn't intend any disrespect, but that's how he took it.
You just gave me light about myself and the depression I’ve been battling this past year and a half’s is intensely related to demand avoidance which makes a lot of sense that this is the hardest time of my life regarding this sense of avoidance being a mom of 2 under 4!
You described my son to a T we just actually tried dance class and he ran out screaming and crying. I wish there was a better understanding. People in stores constantly stare because they don’t understand how overwhelming it is for him to be in a store when I’m telling him please don’t touch you know please behave please don’t race around the store with the cart, it’s constant demands so for the most part I let him enjoy his shopping experience, and I just take the stares.
I’ve just realised this now, but I think for me it’s doing my homework/ design projects for uni. I want to do them, I genuinely enjoy designing, but when someone tells me to do it, or even just reminds me that I have to do that, I’M OUT. I don’t want to do that anymore, because now it doesn’t feel like it’s my choice and like I actually want to do it. Or when I was younger and my parents would tell me to do the dishes while I was on my way to do it on my own account, I didn’t want to do it anymore. They took away my ability to choose and just made it a mandatory thing, which made me not want to do it.
Thank you for this.😊 I'm AuDHD and my father is probably PDA autistic, it would explain a lot. I wish you good luck in all your endeavours. Kind regards from Iceland.
Love your outro song!! ❤️ Brushing my teeth and working out have been huge ones! Something that has recently helped me with brushing my teeth is getting aligners a week ago. Because I chose to get them and I already had the desire to keep my teeth clean, I’m brushing more routinely (morning, evening, and after meals), since now it doesn’t feel like a demand, but a choice. I’ve also worked out pretty solidly for years, but then I’ll go through a months-long stints of doing almost nothing since it will start feeling like a demand or expectation and not genuine choice. I also work out with an obstacle course racing team, so there’s the fear of letting them down even though they would NEVER make me feel bad in any way. Still working on that one.
"that's normal, no one likes being told what to do" yeah ok ty for your very informed wisdom, but have you considered Being "told" doesn't need to be verbal. It can be implied demands/expectations. It can be self imposed, projected or perceived demands. real or not, tangible or not, exclusive to you or not. any chore can be a demand that makes your mind scream in agony at the idea of having to do it. It's not just "not liking it" it's your brain and body absolutely resisting something. And if get to it, you better be fast or hope you find a way to make it enjoyable, or you feel your brain and body losing function in real time as you spend most of your energy coping with the skin crawling discomfort. Anyways, I knew I had it but still found this video rlly interesting as it made me realise a lot more things that trigger/triggered it before and I didn't know. In fact, I already was, but I'm starting to become a bit TOO suspicious that my ADHD might just be a misdiagnosis and it was PDA... And I've been taking medication... Also work and low demand life... I literally don't know what to do or think I have an escape... I jave PDA, working part time kills my soul. I need a full time rn .. so i can afford a a place to sleep/live. Except i can't even get past the thought of working full time... My entire body feels like a two positive magnets trying to stick together. I have no support from family in any sense besides temporary housing unti i run out of money and my life is turned into hell, so yeah. I feel stuck and with an increasing bigger and more dangerous demand on my throat. Bit uhm tricky to navigate... My life pretty much depends on it and I still can't overcome my PDA...
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! My daughter is 6 and has been struggling sooooo much in school 😢 it has been breaking her and her poor teachers. Last week she had a supply teacher who is a very experienced ND specialist teacher and she observed Aurora and said she is sure PDA needs to be looked at. Well, I'm amazed! I never knew it existed, I just knew she doesn't operate like other kids (I have 4 others). She never sleeps! Bedtimes are such a chore. And her "fight mode" response in school has just increased and escalated. Your video is the most validating and comforting thing honestly. I am so grateful you shared it with us. (Yay for Tiktok recordings!). You are beautiful and amazing. Thanks so much x
I have not heard that it's called persistent drive for autonomy!!!! OMG THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING This is me!!! holy crap. Thank you - I will now be obsessively researching this for the rest of my weekend :)
Wow I feel like this way of filming/editing was perfect for this subject because as you wrote in the description, you seem especially spontaneous and your video communicated many things to me, maybe because you were much more free to move around the room with the camera ? I'd already watched other videos about PDA but with yours it felt like learning from the inside, trhough the emotions and gut reactions, so thank you ! I identified even better with your experiences and could compare with my own feelings, and I think that my experience is very, very similar indeed :)
thank you for sharing this. i’m writing this comment through tears. my daughter is only 19 months old but i am so convinced she has PDA, this video already has her written all over it.
I’m 51 and have struggled with this my whole life. Most notably as a child, homework was such a struggle that my mom would be called into parent-teacher conferences regularly. I also remember failing freshman level English because the essay topics were so contrived and formulaic that I could not bring myself to write them despite being a gifted writer. I also remember being forced to quit piano lessons because my parents weren’t going to pay the $5/week if I wasn’t going to practice at home. I loved piano, but resented being given an ultimatum.
Playing musical instruments is awesome! One of the worst things that a parent can do is force their kids to take lessons, especially if they get on their case about the money it costs. The really screwy part is that it can, in fact, make the kid grow up to be a better musician sometimes. It's just that it's more likely to deter them from doing it.
Holy sh*t!!! I've been trying to figure this out for over 30 years and you just made it all so clear. I had no idea there was a name for this. Honestly, thank you so much!!
Ty for making the PDA/advertisements and hyperlexia/menus connections for me. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else talk about being hyperlexic as an adult. Peak validation experience
This... is, like, cracking a riddle that has been haunting my life since day one. Heard you drop PDA in another video, and I was like, "PDA autistic, what, like a Blackberry? Wow, haven't heard someone say PDA in forever." Then I'm just like, that's got to mean something, and I see this video on the side, and... boy, I'm glad I did, because I am DEFINITELY PDA autistic. It sucks, but kinda like receiving my autism diagnosis a few years ago, it is nice to have a name for why I am the way I am. Plenty of PDA example from being a kid. In particular, I just could not handle any kind of change. Like I had a fear of knowing what was going to be for dinner in case there was some last-minute change beforehand. But honestly as an adult it feels so much stronger. Normal adult human things sometimes feel like such an imposition. For years I used to believe I was just chronically lazy, but over the past few years and honestly evaluating the tirelessness with which I can devote myself to a task, I had to admit to myself that no, I'm not lazy, but... I guess it's something else, but I don't know. Welp, now I know. Making food. I've learned that I actually don't hate cooking for myself, but the idea of having to do the cooking and cleaning afterwards makes me just never do it. Ever. Throw something in the oven to bake while I do something else? Okay, sometimes. Actively cook something? Absolutely not. Even eating itself will sometimes feel like a chore to put off until before I know it I've been up for the entire day, it's almost midnight, and I have not eaten a single thing. Having a job? Sucks. I have to do some incredible mental gymnastics to have any kind of job. I need to be convinced down to my BONES that my occupation has concrete meaning, actually helps people, and gives me some sense of personal fulfillment. Money and success have very low incentivizing power for me. I would probably wind up starving to death before staying at a job I thought was meaningless. Here's a big one for me, especially at THIS time of year when I'm writing (Christmas)- gifts. Both giving and receiving. I HATE it. For most of my adult life, I've tried to live a very minimalistic lifestyle, and the PDA is totally a huge reason for that: fewer things, fewer demands. Fewer things to rely on. I don't need furniture. I don't need a jacket, I don't need to turn on the heat- I can handle the cold. But this is not the way the rest of the world works, and people who love me want to try to fill those needs they see not being addressed. But that literally gives me anxiety. For Christmas, my mother sent me a recliner for my apartment. There's nothing wrong with it- it's a perfectly fine piece of furniture. But I spent the better part of an entire day just AGONIZING over having this thing in my house that it felt like I now needed to need. Giving it away or not using it felt really ungrateful, and now I felt this to demand to be grateful for this generous gift. I myself was honestly amazed at how stressed out I was about the whole thing. And giving gifts is almost as bad- not as bad, but still bad. I have no idea what people actually want, but at this time of year you can't tell people, "Hey, I'd actually totally prefer NOT getting things for Christmas, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon not keep getting you weird stuff you need to pretend to like!" You called learning about PDA "freaking life-changing". That's exactly how I feel right now. THANK you for sharing this.
Great video! I am sure I have PDA a bit at least. I think for me, if I get asked to do something I think they are expecting me to do it right away but I need time to transition between tasks and I need to process it on my own to understand its priority level. One thing I'm trying to do is remind myself I don't need to do it right away, and then if I feel overwhelmed my first solution is adding it as a task on my phone or on a paper I can put on the fridge or table, so I can see it later when I have time to assess it, and I guess it makes it more autonomous. But that's just my thoughts right now on a Monday evening and I'm a bit tired.
💗 love this!!! 🥰 PDA was one of the things that convinced me to get evaluated. Still haven’t gotten a diagnosis yet but pretty sure I’m autistic. This is one of my biggest problems & I have to be so on top of my stuff like I always have to be in charge of what I’m doing, my autistic friends are the same way. Growing up made it so much easier to make choices & that helped, & sometimes I think part of it is bc I know that I’ll get overstimulated so accommodations help
I'm 60 and just learned about PDA in the last 6 months! My mind was blown that there was a name and reason for something i just thought was basic procrastination. I have OCD, GAD and ADHD. PDA has probably impacted my life more negatively than the others. Mostly I've been able to channel the positives of the other but PDA makes my life a living hell. I'm a Realtor, so at least i get to choose my own schedule but then even if i make an appt. , many times it takes everything i have to follow through. This is a great message and we should all stick together and support each other!
Well this is a big answer. I've basically almost completely quit participating in society or hanging out with anyone because it just feels too demanding and overwhelming. It's always felt like an obligation and expectation rather than something I do because I enjoy it anyway.
Really enjoyed your video. Your wisest words were "Don"t listen to anyone. Listen to everyone and then ..." form the best way for you/your child. I paraphrase of course. Mental Health videos should come standard with this message. As a 58 year old recently diagnosed autistic/adhd person I cannot stress how helpful it is to hear people your age spreading this wisdom. Age and wisdom are not related and I recognize this more every day. Now to supply more wisdom in the form of your video to my poor not quite as old wife so she can try understand this 30 yr old mistake she made (totally in jest - dealing with the shame)
Oh, oh, that parenting tip on how to word things so that they don’t sound so demanding! Super helpful!! Thank you!! I’ve been trying to find that exact kind of thing and it’s been like a needle in a haystack. Gonna try it tomorrow 🌻
*if you're wondering whether or not you have PDA:* i have a PDA nightmare story i went through earlier this year, and i feel like it's a pretty good litmus for whether you have PDA. (not perfect... but might help.) i'm 24, but i think it applies across all ages. here's the story: imagine you're taking a college course. all the homework assignments AND EXAMS are online, multiple choice, infinite submission attempts. so you are pretty much guaranteed a 100 just by process of elimination, as long as you submit before the deadline. finishing an assignment or exam takes you maybe 5 or 10 minutes at the very most, and you walk away with a 100. *is this class easy, or is it difficult?* for me (i have PDA), it was difficult. extremely so. i "missed" 2 exams and 6 homework assignments, getting a 0 on each. i barely passed the course. how was i expected to find the motivation to waste 5-10 minutes of my life every 2 weeks at least, literally getting no benefit, not learning at all, not working at all, just submitting something _to submit something?_ so my professor could pretend he was teaching us, when he wasn't? sure, it was only 5-10 minutes, but the mental block to even BEGIN that task was staggering. i lost that battle many times... hence, me barely passing the course. my classmates however (they do not have PDA) found it to be very, very easy. 5-10 minute homeworks and exams, with no work involved at all, for a guaranteed 100? they all got As for the semester. easy "GPA booster" class. no stress at all. they loved it. they are always surprised when they hear me speak negatively of the course. i feel that the discrepancy in my perspective and my classmates' perspective boils right down to PDA. i couldn't bring myself to meet this completely meaningless demand, even though it was fast and virtually effortless. so, if you would have struggled in that class (and not because of being forgetful), then you probably have PDA like me. if not, then you probably don't have PDA. again, this is not foolproof, but i think it can be helpful. i wish you all very good luck in better understanding yourselves and navigating the world around you. i love y'all!! take care :3 ❤
yes and yes. also you perfectly described the corporate experience. i tend to procastinate when it comes to bs tech trainings at work because i get overloaded with the info but then i remember that those trainings don't have any purpose, it's another nt ritual for social points (just like some group assignments at school). it's like the reason why we as autistics don't "play with others", we will be doing the work while they chat about the work. they are learning how to get around the work while we think there's any value in the work itself. my pda is my cheat code now :)
THIS! I am in my fifth semester of trying to get my AA, because I keep having to drop classes due to the demand of the easiest classes! Organic chemistry? The best grade I received, because all the work took time and I was already in class so I might as well do it (as it was an option to work on the course material in class or at home). My required comp course to graduate? Easy for everyone, simple assignments online due every Sunday and late assignments are barely docked points. Not so easy for me though! This is my THIRD time taking it, and it's like nails on chalkboard every time. It takes everything I have to meet the easiest of demands, but because they don't seem worth it and I don't feel like I have a choice to work at my own pace, I struggle so much with it.
@notville_ hey man, some things are more difficult for some people than others. we do our best. hopefully you're not feeling too much pressure in your life :)
I am a 54 year old female that could be your twin 😂 i danced all through school as well. My family life was very authoritarian and abusive., so I always thought i had ODD. The PDA- internalizer profile fits me perfectly. I have two autistic children as well and I was diagnosed AuDHD at 52. This makes a whole lotta damn sense. These are tactics i used with my daughter as she definitely acted more like me when she was younger than my son who has more external meltdowns and has the more classic autistic features. Even though she masks way more and seems more functional; the autism has affected is both way more (from all 3 of our perspectives)
I really appreciate this video. I had not heard of PDA yet and it explains so much. I always just considered myself very non-conformist but it's so much more than that. This makes complete sense!
Thank you! Menus are overwhelming! By brain wants to make the optimal decision, but there's too much information and not enough time! It's why I generally go to the same places and have the same things. I know it's good and I can disregard all the other information. But then, sometimes, I want something different, and the whole thing starts over...
Wow! Thank you for articulating this. Having obligations feels like physical threads binding me. I relate to many of the examples you gave. I find that I prefer static menus to something like Chipotle where I have to make a bunch of choices. It’s silly but can be overwhelming. I spent most of my adult life working farming and landscaping jobs that provided a certain amount of autonomy, because being scheduled is painful for me. Driving is the worst. I did not get my drivers license until I was 44. Driving takes so much energetic and focus. It is always a relief when I arrive. I avoid driving as much as I can…. My current job is amazing, working as a fiber arts educator and collections manager at a Cannabis Museum, but also stressful to my nervous system because it can be so dynamic and demands that I shift attention abruptly….
Yes, obligations are anathema, always have been. I've been called irresponsible, immature, and lazy all my life. Yet i can be incredibly focused. But whatever, a life time of being the black sheep as only made me ... very very pizzed off, i look at humanity with ice cold eyes now, and have done so since a teen
PDAer, but I’ve always strongly internalised it as I’m a gen x, and just refusing to do shit when I was younger was never wise. And I have such fierce RSD and a massive people pleaser, so yeah, I just forced myself over and over. Still do to a degree, it is actually extremely exhausting. You’ve helped me understand why I have always had to force myself to go to classes of sports (and other things) I love. Thank you xxx
This is definitely something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm 31, and have accomplished very little because doing literally anything that I genuinely don't want to do feels nearly impossible, and the adult world doesn't work like that. It seems like a lot of people discover these things about themselves and feel at peace with it, and good for them, but that hasn't been my experience. I feel like a parasite who chooses to not pull his own weight and not take responsibility for his own life, because I guess I'm still holding myself to the standards of a neurotypical person.
This kind of video follows my life principle of « Be Lightful »! If any process is heavy, it’ll drain you. If a process is light, then so much more can be done without ever going into burnout!
Hey Paige! I just wanted to come back to tell you I went looking for an advanced copy of your book from the publisher and got approved to review it early! I can't wait for midterms to be over so I can read it.
This entire concept explains so much about why I struggle to be self sufficient in any way, with a very controlling mother, and whenever I’m not around intensely controlling people I’m quite capable, to the point where I surprise myself, and on my own in professional settings I usually get treated as someone with some form of authority, but once someone tries to dictate my behavior, as opposed to teaching or correcting when necessary, I get overwhelmed, shut down, and they have to walk me through every little thing.
ADHD (probably PDA too) and my 11 yr old is textbook PDA with a similar diagnosis. We have conflicts all the time, they're so much smaller now. When they say learning is half the battle, it is, and things are finally getting better for both of us. Thank you so much for educating us.
Please keep talking about PDA? I believe that is what my daughter has with the autism and ADHD. You are a great individual to be talking to the community. A friend from Beaumont, Alberta
Yup, PDA here! I've learned to manage it a bit, but daily tasks like bathing, dressing, and eating are still fraught with difficulty. I have stayed home instead because I couldn't do the basics and didn't want to leave the house until I could. Also, I definitely do it internally, there aren't any outward signs unless somebody is paying close attention.
I feel like this explains so much why I can't have multiple like.. recurring things going on (like deep dungeon groups), or why I do so much better as a manager in a work environment than a normal employee-- I can do both very well, but one leaves me having melt downs sometimes weekly, and one does not. I am a people pleaser, but I am also very prideful and determined, and always have to have things done the best way they can be.
Well thank god for your post young lady. As a mother of a child that I could just never seem to "reach" Im finally seeing her behavoiurs in a new light. It turns out we are likely BOTH Autistic but I cope with it by being super organised, tidy, a scheduler and list maker. She is definitely PDA with a touch of oppositional defiance. I love her immensely but getting constantly blamed for every little problem was completely soul destroying. When she cut off communication I was heartbroken, and still am, but I have to admit life is more peaceful. Hopefully understanding each other better will help us find a way to at least be able to interact on a sociable level again. I miss the kind, gentle soul I know she is beneath all the spite and anger.
This video is so incredibly helpful. I would love additional details and thanks to you I now know what this is called so I can dig in and research some. Thanks so much! ❤
I'm possibly PDA because I have different attitudes toward daily tasks depending on the day, but usually it's a hill to climb just to brush my teeth or make a smoothie. I feel down on myself for succumbing to just sitting in my chair and not being able to muster the willpower to do these tasks. I definitely overwhelm myself at times by putting them all on a mental checklist like "I don't want to do all eight of these things, they're going to take forever, but they're essential to my day, so what the fuck? Why does there have to be so much shit?"
Thank you Page! I really need strategies for working with a spouse with PDA. I love the alternative label, but you said it fast. Something Autonomous. I was hoping for a beer label, although it feels like Pathological Rejection Screaming Dysfunction over what is merely a request for a preference Mmmm. I learned a ton from this video. I only just heard of the term in Paul's Autism Summitt a week ago. I literally felt something click inside and a huge sense of relief. Your video was not only clear, but helpful. Please do kore indepth videos on this because it really helped me. I always lkked you from the time I first found your videos. Now I know why. I could see that you had answers for me in a way I did not expect. I learned so much from you and always felt deeply saddened when you were facing a challenge. However you helped me understand 1 person on the spectrum. Now you are helping me piece together the second person on the spectrum. I am so grateful to you. Thank you. I forget to say something very important. You are a champion for winning your battles every day.
This is the first I've heard of PDA as persistent demand for autonomy. While I identify with persistent demand avoidance, I identify much more with the demand for autonomy. Thanks! @6:30 "PDA people are good at sniffing out when people are trying to sell them something or when there's an ulterior motive or when someone's tryin' to make you feel a way or trying to influence you in a way so you're being controlled, not autonomous and I can smell that bullshit a mile away and I'm not doin it!" I can see your passion in the way you said that. Yes, I feel this!
Yeah, i guess its that. Autonomy is a value. Sovereignty, or independence of thought or action, or more specifically, i would describe it as freedom from external constraint, or influence , or modification. Likely my supreme value. Like George washignton said, "give me liberty or give me death, ".... i knew there was a reason i liked america so much, all my life, more so than most. I'm from UK. Where theres is no constitution, no bill of rights, and endless bureaucracy, the closest thing to being free in england is being a criminal, a high price to pay if you wanna live free
I already thought that I dealt with PDA because of just how much it irritates me when people have told me to do something. ESPECIALLY when I'm in the middle of doing it or about to do it and then I don't want to anymore - only if it's work related I have to and I just feel awful about it. This is the first time I've heard that questions could trigger it as well though!! Through my childhood I wasn't given a choice when we would go out to get fast food aside from "do you want it?" and there were no issues. When I started relationships "what do you want to eat?" became SUCH a hard question for me. Not only because it started out difficult due to me being a people pleaser but the more it was asked the more it ended up seeming like a demand. They never told me where THEY wanted to eat or what they wanted to eat. I understand they probably wanted me to feel good about it but all it did was become a demand to choose what we would eat all the time and it would get increasingly difficult (no to mention the absolute scope of a question with no parameters like that, you think I've got good object permanence??). If I got a question of "burgers or pizza?" it would be a TON easier to answer
Soo relatable! I didn’t even consider ads 😂 I can’t help but say aloud “ No, don’t tell me how to live!” at the screen. My daughter is also autistic and loves dance but struggles to get to class some days. If it’s a concert or performance however, she will never ever turn down the opportunity.
Thank you for saying that you can smell bullshit or know when someone is being manipulative. Its one of the few social cues i can actually pick up on lol. The thing about menus being a demand makes so much sense because i never looked at it that way. When i get a menu i open it and look at it and any word that pops up to me immediately i just pick that and close it and i never knew why i would do that. I thought i was being effecient, but really i think i was overwhelmed by the choices like you said. A big demand that i despise is "how are you". Another big one is "no, no, no" or "stop!". These freak me the fuck out and i drop whatever im holding and just stare at the ground and zone out. Unfortunately a lot of my family members dont know how to just say "youre doing this wrong, this is the correct way" but instead just yell STOP or NO NO NO NO over and over and its extremely upsetting
I didn’t realize this about myself until my children were diagnosed and it dawned on me why pregnancy and motherhood has been so hard. There’s NO autonomy.
Paige I thought i was broken. I have hated myself for 23 years. I feel like im at war with myself and being ripped apart by all of the demands of life. I always heard “you take things way too personally. Not everything is a personal attack.” And now i understand why. I’ve never felt so heard.
This is sooo relatable! I still remember my troubles with doing homework or performing set tasks that my stepmum wanted me to do. She thought I refused to do things because I was supposedly lazy, but it just made me very anxious if I was pushed into a corner. Now I even understand why I was so terrified when my ex wanted to move in with me, she kind of demanded it and this feeling of my autonomy being violated (and not the moving in part!) terrified me, so I did everything I could to avoid it, but she felt like I hated her and never wanted to move in, even though that wasn't the reason (I was a bit traumatized by the experience though). And honestly, PDA is a huge problem for children in school when they write exams. They freeze and can't perform their tasks and then they hand in blank sheets, even though they were very good students and understood everything else. These autistic kids are not given a fair chance. If they get a choice task, they excel!
PDA demmands- the worst is when im finally about to do a task I couldn't do...but someone "suggests" I do that task. So brain suddenly cannot. Also the demmand of deadlines...
ah the "look whos finally cleaning their room" issue. well i WAS cleaning my room but im not anymore now 🙃
literally I just stop.
Yep. I WAS about to do that....but now that you said something, mmmm.....nah. I'm good. 👍🏼👋🏼
Yep. The moment someone suggests I do something, I immediately don't want to do it, even if I wanted to do it before they said anything.
This is why we never end up in cults. Try and tell me I’m obligated to do something my ass 😂😂😂. Ok, bye!
Thanks for saying that minimizing obligations is a legit accomodation. I feel like most of society pushes the idea that the more obligations a person manages or carries, the more worth a person has. That makes my PDA go absolutely nuts. Teaching myself that im a worthy human being even on the days i dont get out of bed has been a journey. The conditioning i had as a child was so ableist and shaming. 😢
I think you may like a book called "No Contest", which basically says that competition is inherently destructive.
Well you are spot on right we don't want to pay you more for less. Normal demand avoidance would be trying not to hire somebody who has these characteristics and consumes a lot of time and resources with limited productivity. It pays a lot more have the ability to manage a bunch of autistic people, you hired this guy and he is concerned more so than anything that isn't unfair to him at work. It's going to be impossible to make any money on a guy with his condition you paid hourly he's glad to take the money and complain about how much harder he has to work than the other guy that you pay hourly.
OH MY GOD. What you said about advertisements being a demand. You're so right about that. That's why whenever an ad comes on TV I scream "I DON'T CARE!!!" at the TV 😂😂😂 for the longest time I thought I was a horrible person because I hate when people give me suggestions or advice and I thought it meant I had less humility than others. But it's not really about that. It gives me a visceral ick. Its a bad physical feeling that I want to avoid.
I have 100% sales resistance. The worst thing a place of business can do, is try to sell me something. I was surprised at myself the other week at Best Buy. I needed to buy a new printer, but was on my way to walk out of the store due to my brain freezing up on me. Could not decide what to buy. On my way out, saw a floor display of one model of printer on sale. I stopped to look at the specs, and a nice, hopeful young sales guy came over, "Can I help you?" I blurted out, "I really don't interact well with sales people." To my amazement the guy just said, "OK, call me if you need anything" and walked away. A minute later I decided this was the exact printer I needed, picked it up and paid for it. I wish I learned to say that years ago.
I feel that way anytime I walk into a store in a mall and I have sales people coming up to me trying to sell me something. I work in a store as well, but I just like to generally ask people if they are finding everything they're looking for. I don't like to force people to buy something they don't want. I think that makes me different than most people.
Commercials are something I feel like we all take for granted. First you’ll get super annoyed with them but then like 10 years down the line you’ll get nostalgic and watch entire compilations of them on RUclips…
Or maybe that’s just me 😅
@@thetonytaye However, at that point, the commercials are not commercial, but pieces of fun media we watch for nostalgia. That is, it is no longer a demand, but just entertainment.
The internet and social platforms have become unbearable bc of this! And with the notifications too. You can’t turn em off fast enough to stay ahead of all the new ways they’ll come up with to demand your attention. The only way out is to delete the platform (or, to circle back to the original metaphor, throw the tv out the window 😂)
Not only realizing I'm autistic but also learning _from the point of view of the autistic person_ what PDA entails and that it applies to _me_ has been life changing. In case it helps others, this is how it's shown itself in me:
In high school, when all my mental health and physical health problems hit me like a truck and went undiagnosed, I stopped doing homework. Entirely. _Even if I wanted to._ I remember in senior year, I had this entire essay about Ophelia in Hamlet planned out that I was _excited_ to write because I felt I had a unique perspective! _I NEVER WROTE IT._ I would sit at the kitchen table, take out all my supplies from my backpack, and stare at my untouched homework for _hours straight_ and refusing to touch it. I just... couldn't fucking do it. I couldn't.
Because homework is a required demand with a deadline.
To this day this persists with medical documents and making appointments. My dad has to do those things for me, because I just _can not fucking do it._
Also, one of the things I got into trouble with a lot as a kid was when me and my parents would go out shopping somewhere and, "You got what _you_ wanted and now you want to be done and leave. You were nice until we got _your_ things, and now you're being a brat!"
Well, I never had the words or even the ability to recognize that it was because shopping, as much as I might enjoy it, _exhausts_ me. So I would hurry us to get the _me_ part of shopping done, and because I didn't need to focus on what we were doing or we were going, I suddenly felt the exhaustion, the sensory overload, the boredom, etc (I was also undiagnosed ADHD until I was 17, so that didn't help!).
Even now, I struggle with a messy room. And I don't mean "messy", I mean it looks like a scene from Hoarders. Not because it's full of hoarded things and trash, but like... the "everything is strewn on the floor, nothing is in drawers and every article of clothing I own is piled on the bed and on the floor alongside all of my actual stuff" kinda mess. It's terrible. And if I wake up capable of working on cleaning some of it, all of that motivation will _instantly_ vanish the moment my dad says "Hey, maybe try working on your room today! :D"
Like, he means well, but the instant he mentions it, all motivation leaves and I just wanna throw everything I just cleaned back onto the floor and scream _"fuck you!"_
And I think it's because, the instant my dad says anything about cleaning my room, I'm no longer doing it for myself, I'm doing it _for him._ I'm not cleaning because I wanted to and was able, I'm cleaning _because he told me to._ And while obviously that's not true, that's what it _feels_ like, and thus all want to do it is gone instantly.
Also, y'know how some people say they _need_ deadlines to get things done? That if they don't have a deadline, they won't do it? I'm the _exact opposite._ The _instant_ something has a deadline, I _can't fucking do it._ Because it's now a demand, and I just _can't handle that._
Anyway, there's more, but I'm super tired and running late, so I'll leave this here 💕
This comment feels like I wrote it. Everything you wrote reminds me of myself and even some other family members
I relate to this so hard. It makes life so Hell!!!
I relate to this so much!
This is extremely relatable. I tried going therapy a few weeks ago and for part of it was struggling to explain this exact thing. Like no, I don’t need a deadline. I just want to do things for myself!
I’m similar - except, my mother won’t say things in a nice or even ‘here, hey’s a suggestion’ kind of way. She’ll call me lazy and treat me like I’m either stupid or malicious, even if the ‘problem’ has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her. As if I am not looking after myself not because it’s difficult, but to spite her. Then even if I have the motivation and energy to do something for myself, when she says something about it, it stops being an action that I did so I could feel happy about it. It instead becomes an action I perform to prove that I don’t deserve whatever she has said about me. Something I’m doing to prove I’m good enough.
Obviously that kills my motivation. A day passes. Encore.
I just turned 71 neglected and made the family scapegoat from a very young age then married into endless trauma and just now realizing that I too am pda. I once spent 3 years basically in bed, taking the garbage out in the middle of the night so that I wouldn't run into anyone who is awake during the day and sleeping at night. It's all swirling away in my head. I am currently happily single (never mind telling me that I need a mate, boundaries up there), retired and have as few obligations as humanly possible. I force myself to be social every so often but it is so exhausting. Time for some more therapy but so many therapists out there don't link traumatized neurodivergent pda and retelling my history over and over again to find the right therapist can trigger me into a shutdown. But I'm still working on it and probably doing better now than I havr ever done in my whole life. Just keep swimmin'
Your experience sounds like my mothers. I’m so glad you are doing well now and happy. Great advice. ❤️
You don’t want to get MeToo’d like other autistics around your age. Just look up Danny Elfman for instance. It’s disgusting what these narcs do to people who are autistic or even just harmlessly weird.
keep swimmin❤❤❤
Lol...Just keep swimming...thats my mantra too. 63 And what you said totally sounds like me.
I have many people free days, love being single and quite happy in my own company.
My parent's marriage blew up after 40 years. I'm sorry, that grief is hard. My mom BPD, PTSD, and dad ADHD PDA... holy crap they were wildly dysfunctional. Both their kids are PDA. I'm finally getting help alone with my 2 kids on the spectrum. Stay strong and congrats on retirement.
my coaching teacher once explained double binds to me. a usual double bind is when no matte what you do its wrong. he theorized that you could create positive double binds with clients, so no matter what they do its right. i think thats whats important to use with myself as an autist but also with other people, especially with pda. you can do this, you can not do this, its gonna be great either way, im gonna be here no matter what.
Interesting idea, the idea of creating positive double binds (if that is possible). Do you have an example you could share of a specific positive double bind, what it would look like in actuality?
I would love to hear what method/example you suggest
@@semilorekaji-hausa2078 for me just a simple acceptance of myself no matter what i decide to do, works: "i'm here for you, i accept you, no matter whether you decide for what i deem right or not"
double binds are usually about rejection and punishment no matter what you chose. its wrong either way. a positive double bind for me would be connection and reward no matter what.
i actually had to work a lot to get to a point where i could give that (back) to myself. to not have to do smth to be worth smth and then failing anyway but instead being allowed to live no matter what and deciding what i want to do with that life from there.
Yeah I'd love to hear one about cleaning my room
@@elizabethlee2136
If you clean your room, you'll have less visual clutter and perhaps some sensory relief. If you don't clean your room, you'll have more energy for other things and less readjusting to do in regards to where your things are. Either way is a good thing!
Does that help?
My youngest son is PDA. In doing research to help him. I discovered he got it from me.
research is all well and good to inform yourself, getting him help via professionals i.e. therapy is also something to consider
@hjm9586 you made an awful lot of assumptions. He is diagnosed autistic, ADHD, PTSD. There is not a single Dr in my region that is educated on PDA so we cannot get that aspect of the diagnoses verified but he is definitely PDA as well as myself. He is in therapy 3x week and I'm in therapy 2x a week. I homeschool him because he cannot function with the demands or environment at public schools and the local public schools don't even understand autism at all, and they constantly punished him for being triggered. I do research because there's lots of information from people online about PDA. But we live in a region where the specialists have no clue what they are doing. He has excellent therapists but even they don't understand PDA. I can do more for him as a fellow PDA individual who understands what he's going through vs all the specialists who are familiar with autism but have never heard of PDA.
@@hjm9586excuse you? read and reread their comment before replying. What's hilarious is we're usually the ones accused of not being able to read between the lines in a conversation but she literally use the words help him and discovered Dash part of the process of diagnosis is talking to doctors at length about family history and not just a child. ignorant of you.
At Peace Parents is a great resource for parents of pda children! Learned a lot from it.
@@Casiielake yes I follow her. The info has been invaluable.
I was diagnosed ADHD and Oppositional Defiant in 1982. I was 9. This was a time when girls never got diagnosed with autism... like ever, and it was practically unheard of to diagnose girls with ADHD. I was a pioneer. lol When I was a teenager when I got diagnosed with BOTH Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and when I was 19 one doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Turns out, I was just autistic. But that is neither here nor there. In the last couple of years I have been learning more and more about autism. I never heard PDA called Persistent Drive for Autonomy, but I gotta say... I LOVE THAT, because it was never really about avoiding demands. Although one of my favorite saying is "Screw you, I do what I want." That said, yes. I freak out when I am expected to do stuff. Saying it is like fighting a tiger is super accurate for me. When you make demand of yourself, like I am going to clean my room to-DAY! And on top of that you have executive disfunction where your brain say one thing and your body just says NOPE! And you just sit there fighting that tiger. It's so hard to explain it to people who don't experience it what it is like, because I can totally understand why it looks like just being lazy to some people. Going to a restaurant and not even looking at the menu and just eating the same exact thing over and over again because you trust that thing and it means you don't have to choose. It is all connected in a way that just makes life hard all around. I don't know if you can tell by this manifesto I have just written, but I relate to so much of this. Thank you for being such a role model for this community and for me... even though I am old enough to be your grandma. :)
Wait, so are you saying that having to make constant choices all of the time feeling like a burden is a sign of pda? Or can be a sign of it? I have become also that way about clothing. And I'm also in the grandmother category!
@@noblethoughts4500 I think so. And I also think avoiding demands and withdrawing is a sign, which is another thing I see especially older autistics doing and even more specifically older autistic women doing. The troupe of the "Crazy old lady" recluse who lives in a potential hoarding environment. We make fun of that all the time in our society, or we think it's just really sad. But when I think about it in terms of autism it puts a whole new spin on it. The ultimate demand avoidance is having no demands placed on us, by society, family, or anything or anybody else. And in which case we are also not a burden on anybody else either.
@notville_ What an odd and disjointed thing to say. Like, f you dude. But yet... what? Like... WHAT? You new here? Do you even know what we are talking about? Life is pressure? I'm sorry, what the fuck does that even mean? WTF is wrong with you? PS! I am grown, thank you. Take your own advice and grow the fuck up.
@NotVille_ wow. Why are you even watching a video like this if you’re here to belittle and bully?
Making choices is physiologically demanding to the brain
Hi PDA autistic here and homework is absolutely the worst thing for my brain. I had no idea why I couldn’t bring myself to do it despite desperately wanting to do well in school. This horrible dynamic lead me to many years of severe mental illness. I’m so glad I understand what was going on now and that more people are talking about PDA. Now I can actually approach my life and brain constructively and with compassion instead of punishing it with internal demands. I hope that soon people will understand the current education system to be child abuse and replace it. Maybe then we can finally start fostering a thriving society full of mentally healthy engaged individuals.
I don’t think it should be graded if it’s meant to teach you the material (as opposed to something more like a take-home test) because then you’ll be too focused on the deadline to remember it properly.
I'm ADHD with a lot of traits that mirror autism (but not really enough for me to be confident in self-dxing and definitely not enough for an official dx) and my partner is AuDHD. He struggles a LOT with PDA, and it's something we've been working together on trying to find solutions for-making it clear that he might not be able to come when making plans was a big one, and another thing we find can help is a form of parallel play! If I'm brushing my teeth or taking a shower or going to bed etc etc, he finds it easier to just join in rather than initiate on his own... And feeling like I'm doing a task to help him rather than doing it for myself helps to overcome some of my executive dysfunction! It's not something that works all the time, obviously, but it's something that can help. It's something we do even long-distance-a common plan for us is "shower pact" days, lol 😁
PDA also is correlated with ADHD. In fact some articles even suggested it's an autism ADHD combo. With ADHD it's definitely not uncommon to have autistic traits. In fact lots of children with severe adhd actually got misdiagnosed with autism (i was one of those). please do not self dx as this has harmed many children including me. Sorry if this that's a demand, I just wanted you to know lots of ADHD children have been harmed by this. These children receive the wrong treatment for what they actually have
That is so awesome! You give me hope. 😊
I swear the autistic community knows more about how we are than any other source. I cannot handle pressure (or demand) well at. All. So I've learned not to put it on myself unless i want to feel bad about myself for not succumbing to it. I refuse. Life feels more gentle, easy, and flowy (and not traumatising) for me if i do it at my own pace, and in my own way. I wish we as a community could regulate our own community, instead of relying on doctors (apart from when we need medication of course) to tell us "how we are". Because we're truthful, we can detect if someone's dishonest (especially if someone were to fake being nd), we self identify our traits. And we'd name our afflictions with actual helpful words. I dislike the names the psychiatric community comes up with as they're damaging and misleading. I feel we'd come up with better descriptive yet unbiased titles. Pda? No. How about Self Paced Alignment or, SPA. Not actually this, but you get the idea. This way, you could understand from the title alone that this person requires living at their own pace to help them live a well life. 🤔
Totally agree.
Hmm, doesn't feel autonomous for someone else to name it. That fits and that was a reaction of mine too.
Life IS pressure, grow tf up 🚮
Except it Also includes bodily functions. So it IS pathological as it makes No sense to avoid say, going to the bathroom for a week cuz your body is demanding it.
@@Thecodexnoir what is your problem? I reported you so fast. Get over yourself.
as a PDA auDHDer, i've recently been sensing that my PDA is actually quite extreme the more i learn about it. this video really validated that for me so thankyou Paige 😊 PDA is such bullshit though, i feel like im constantly parenting and disciplining myself so that i actually get myself to fulfil perceived and internal demands. and for me; literally everything is a demand. even things i like 😮💨 sometimes it gets so bad that thinking feels like a demand. apparently my first word i ever said was "no" so that was probably foreshadowing 😂 loving your content as always Paige, thank you for another entertaining and informative video ❤
‘No’ and ‘Dad’ are the most common first words simply because the require a lot of tongue and not much lip, jaw or air. Yes and Mum are a bit trickier with the former perhaps more to do with the feeling one gets when we learn to say it. Umum seems to come before Mum. Yes is actually quite tricky to learn and why we see children often use a ’Th’ tongue action as in ‘Yeth’ or in a better attempt, block the Sssss sound at the front of the palate and force the air out between the back of the tongue and molars, which can be a hard one to change if it becomes normal.
You just have to convince yourself, (oj trick yourself) a thing is worth doing, there are techniques, but its idiosyncratic, i think my 'pda' if it was ever severe, is now less so, over time
Definitely PDAer. I am 44 and didn't realize I was autistic until about 6 months ago, but this has been my lifelong experience. I would ask to take naps as a toddler because if I asked, it wasn't stressful but if my mom did I'd melt down. Anything that feels like an obligation triggers fight or flight, especially social obligations and work. I like my job, my boss and get to work from home but I spend more time hating and fighting against working (which is miserable and I hate it) than actually doing work tasks. Being on the clock, no matter how low stakes and accommodating my job is, is low key enraging. Having words for it helps, but I really want a way to opt out of Capitalism and I haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for a great video and a meaningful topic!
ways to opt out of capitalism will come to us
I had an idea about 5 years ago when i stumbled across the term, i might have it mild in some respects, extreme pathologically psychotically unrepentantly in others, depends on if i'm having a bad day
@@moss_on_mushroom just opt out now, the system is so big it can support a few 'drop outs' its only if everybody did it , that society could collapse, at this present time
I showed my mum some information on PDA and she said "Oh how lovely, someone wrote an article about you!"
Hahahaha!!! Hmmm.... I hope she's a supportive mom. ❤
I think this is me. But, I'm starting to wonder if all of the people who "drop out" of society might have this as a basic part of their make-up. Refusing to get off of drugs, or follow the rules to get housing or shelter. I know I only got away with the life I have, because at an early age I was diverted into the "mental illness" track. I went on medication, behaved myself, and stayed home. Lived with my parents until they died. Now live alone on a small disability income with my cats. I always knew that if I had not been middle-class, and willing to give up most normal things in life, I could have ended up on the streets, probably abusing substances, and every bad thing that can happen to a person could have happened to me. This is not a good way to live, I urge anybody who is going down this path to do what you can to be different. I know years of medication and therapy only kept me safe, in my little shrunken life.
as someone with a similar story (and similar knowledge of just how much of our lives is determined by sheer, dumb luck), i just want to say that i'm proud of you for surviving.
I’ve found that my depression is gone now that I’m going to a real college and not a shitty community college.
I’m actually struggling more now than when I was a kid. I think back then, I managed stress differently and somehow found ways around it. Like I’d tell myself, I’m not doing x just because so-and-so wants me to. I’m doing it because I’ve decided it’s the best option for me under the circumstances.
At some point it’s like I stopped valuing my own perspective and basically became very lost.
when you have pathological demand avoidance and freeze as your main response! this is me. it makes everything sooo difficult. thanks for making this video
YES
Especially if things you try to decide *for yourself* to do *because you WANT to* can still sometimes register as demands. Which is absolutely the case with me, I can't tell you how many times I wake up and think "ooh I want to do this thing today" only to get to the time that would work, put it off, avoid it, and eventually just not do it at all.
I've had this happen, you have to trick your brain slowly towards things. It's like stalling , you have to ease into it. think this is a common ADHD trait, when facing challenges and tasks.
I'm a psychology major with PDA and I really appreciate the neurological explanation of this. I also deal with CPTSD and the combination finds me reacting very similarly to you where the freeze/dissociation combo will take over. Really love the insight into your experience, great to feel seen in a shared experience!
I think the key is to be more selfish, self- driven like a terminator. Watch your CPTSD fizzle away. The PDA thing. Well i have that. But i can work around it. Oh there's that control thing again. Yeah, if i feel in control, everything is fine. I am invincible. i only freeze when i have to do something incredibly boring, or if i'm on verge of a psychical altercation with somebody bigger than myself
Anybody else have trouble figuring out what's PDA and what's executive dysfunction?
yes🙃
maybe pda can result in executive dysfunction? pda is more core and executive dysfunction more result?
like you can have executive dysfunction by having depression without pda, you can also have it with it or “just” pda. but experiencing executive dysfunction won’t always be the sign of pda?
probably depends on the source of the distress. if resistance to tasks comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed with steps or being unable to conceptualize yourself carrying out the task, that is probably related to executive dysfunction. if it comes from a feeling of being forced, rushed, or pressured into doing a task (by whatever or whoever is proposing that task), it may be PDA. i assume they can overlap or affect the same situation in different ways.
PDA is executive dysfunction. Remember. ADHD and Autism could not be diagnosed together for a long time
I just came across this and it absolutely applies to me. I've literally had conversations with people on how personal autonomy is one of the most important things in existence and damn right I'm going to want it 24/7 and have it wherever and whenever possible. In fact, I've studied psychology and cult behavior since I was a kid as further protection to simply never, ever be controlled. The same with scammers, literally all around us. Believe me, if someone is going to even attempt to control me , I'm going to immediately get incredibly uncomfortable and find a way to put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY, or to exit the situation. Thanks for making this!
This makes so much sense! As an elementary school special education teacher, giving students choice gets me so far with students! Just like how you mentioned the blue or red cup, giving my kids a choice where they would like to work on their assignments amongst other ways to appropriately offer choice helps them feel in control and safe.
A demand I avoided like the plague was expectations. I would hide my good grades from friends and presented myself as a 'dumb blonde' because I didn't want the pressure of having to keep doing well at school. It also makes me feel sick when people seek emotional or physical reciprocation, don't make me act a way or say a thing just because you felt like doing it... I also hate compliments, so painful, give me feedback I can use but don't just say a nice thing for a reaction. Have heard some PDAers hate getting gifts, and while this one's not such a struggle for me, I do feel the ick of opening an unknown thing and having to present the correct emotion for the satisfaction of the gift giver... urgh.
This reminds me of Sheldon on Big Bang freaking out when Penny buys him a present, needing to pick one out that was of exactly the same value to give to her. Says she hasn't given him a job she's given him an obligation (to give a gift in return).
Hey Paige! Thank you for this! I've always had this moderate , internal version of this. My mum has a severe, often external version of this, the point that when she clearly had a foot injury and I pleaded with to go for a 2 day hospital stay in August 2019, she outright refused until she fell in late Sept and I told the EMTs to look at her right heel. There was a silver dollar sized hole in her skin -- the bone. She was in the hospital 9 weeks and nearly lost her foot. She recovered and she takes advice more, but I can tell she hates it every time. I like the 10 min tiktok to YT vid format.💕
Omg, that's so me. Maybe not that extreme, but I always put off medical things. And the more people remind me, the less likely I am to do anything. Although I think part of it might be anxiety over arranging an appointment, talking to the receptionist etc, especially over the phone. Like, my optician keeps sending me letters reminding me to make an appointment. Just give me an appointment, my guy! I'll turn up! I know full well my eyes need testing, but there's no way I'm making an appointment.
The background is so perfectly matching the topic I love it.
I can definitely understand you more now, ever person is soooo different so hearing your perspective and thoughts really does open up new questions about things I’ve never even thought of. I have ADHD and since learning about it, I realize the way I reacted as a child to the way people would word things was directly linked to my ADHD. Such things as being told to do something while I’m starting to do it or was about to would really make me upset. So it makes sense that asking you a direct question would make you uncomfortable and freeze. Simply asking what cup makes them feel like they have a choice still but not needing to answer anything that is overwhelming. Thank you for sharing!😊
I think my 6 year old daughter shows signs of being PDA autistic. She has since she was able to express her desire for autonomy! (Example, she got very stressed at about 2 years old when I offered to help her get dressed AND when I asked if she wanted to dress herself independently. This was to prepare for a thing that she WANTED to do but either option made her panicky and angry.)
We’re both learning how to avoid and navigate demands. We BOTH have a much better time with “Dinner is ready,” rather than “It’s time for dinner.” ❤
I have the feeling PDA applies to me, even though I may not have it very extremely. When someone asks me to do something (like clean my room, go to the store,...), especially when I was already planning in my mind to do that thing, it frustrates me SO MUCH and makes me not wanna do it anymore. To still do it, it feels like I have to fight against my body. It makes tasks very hard sometimes, and I feel guilty because of it because I want to help the people around me. When I was a kid, I also told my mom to stop asking me how my day went, I guess because it felt like a demand. But the thing is, when I read these stories in the comments, I feel like I don't have it the worst, because most of the time, I still do the tasks (maybe a bit later or while fighting against my body). I also like getting older, because you get more and more autonomy over your choices. I get to choose where I live, what I study, what hobbies I do, etc.
My daughter was diagnosed as autistic this past summer. I have just scratched the surface learning about PDA and it’s like a lightbulb went off. Literally EVERYTHING is making so much sense! I definitely get yelled at the most. I never know what or what not to do/ say. I always feel I’m wrong. It’s difficult to navigate but I’ll never give up trying.
I'm absolutely PDA Autistic :) I really appreciate you sharing about this! My mom told me over facetime to go put my groceries away... because she saw them on the kitchen table... when i tell you i ended up letting that produce rot on my counter and fought myself about it every single day...
Thank you so much for this!! This has helped me and my wife so much! This put language to what we have been seeing and dealing with in our son for years, but this is just so clear and concise! We know this is going to help us in our interactions with him! Thank you a thousand times!!
Oh my god, you just took the words out of my mouth. I wish my mom spoke fluent english so that I could show her this. This is exactly why I 1) couldn't do my homework as soon as I was expected to (which is basically always) 2) having my parents watch over me while I studied was genuinely painful (literally til this day I have entire stims that stemmed just from this and they're some of the most self-destructive stims that I have) and 3) I would've rather gone out naked than to have to wear ANYTHING that my mom picked out for me.
Thank god for the internet. I would've never had a name for this and I would've just felt like a failure for the rest of my life. I always thought it was an ADHD thing, and from the outside it seems like it, but it really isn't. I never comment anywhere but reading comments from fellow autistics is some of the most comforting and relatable stuff, so I hope that someone can get something out of this ❤️❤️
I've been experiencing and describing this MY WHOLE LIFE.
It's so funny my therapist said my autism is so pervasive its like a whole second person in the room with us and i didn't really get it. I didn't realize how many things about me were autism.
Like...i actually have tears in my eyes. I was only recently diagnosed and I'm in my 30s.
It's... such a flood of emotions to have been judged and hated or punished or whatever your ENTIRE life and to have had zero help or compassion or understanding from anybody, not even your parents.... and to FINALLY FINALLY understand yourself and why you do things you do, and to understand, truly, that it really ISN'T your fault, and that you're not in denial or lying, that you really CAN'T control this auto response.
What's wild is, one of my parents worked with children with special needs including autism. This was the 90s though, and im a girl. With a very high IQ and who did everything super early in life, like walking at 9 months, potty trained before the age of 1, reading adult level novels at the age of 5.
I can see how i could slip through the cracks.
Except i didn't...i was very clearly a problem in grade school the school had a social worker did the year or two, to deal with the ME problrm, and whatever agencies were investigating my parents.
Nobody could understand the cause of my intermittent yet omgwtf behavior, so they thought maybe it was abuse.
So, i learned to do what i now understand is masking.
Like. I can't tell if i feel relieved or what. Im paused right at the point where you're about to give tips. I've already sent this to my mom and hubby.
Thank you so much for your videos on PDA. My daughter is PDA and I've learned a lot about it but the best source of knowledge is from PDA adults who have experienced it and know it inside out.
A successful way I've figured out to deal with some damands my husband gives me:
I lay down with no phone or anything, let the awful feelings pass through me then I rationalize his request into my own idea/ request. Also the time it takes helps because its giving space between the request and myself.
If he asks for help, usually I can do it. Sometimes i still anxiety around it. Idk. Would love to hear anyone's elses strategies.
When I had a huge damand day I basically cannot take it anymore. Even the smallest thing I will probably react very badly too or have a meltdown.
6:28 i have PDA autism but this is actually the opposite for me. i am so easily manipulated because i always assume everyone has good intentions
logically ik that thats not true though and im actually pretty cynical about humanity, but in the moment of talking to someone i automatically assume theyre a kind person. this is why i didnt realize i was bullied in middle school until years after
edit: i thought about it a bit more and i wanted to add that this might just be because i have hyper empathy. i also have rlly strict morals and one of them is that judging people is wrong unless theyre like straight up evil
Me too
That happened to Danny Elfman. He got MeToo’d by a couple of narcissists who expect the court of public opinion to believe them and cancel him just because he’s weird if not autistic.
@@nuclearcatbaby1131 idk anything about that specific case, but i think all sexual assault allegations should be taken seriously. narcissism is a diagnosable disorder and using it against potential victims (even if you believe they are lying) makes others afraid to come forward about their abuse. neurodivergent ppl do get misjudged often, so i do understand the point you're trying to make, but autistic people can still be bad people sometimes.
@@_eIIiot And then the other one expects us to believe that she was his special friend for five years yet he never even got to first base with her, just wanked off to her in her sleep like some kind of incel... and this is the same man who married a Hollywood sex symbol two years later?! Also inconsistent with the other story since according to this one he needs her to be asleep because that’s his fetish while the other one said he did it while she was awake. I think maybe what it is is that he felt too comfortable with them as friends too soon with them so he told them a personal secret about how he feels more comfortable composing without clothes on and they took that to be grooming or tried to spin it as such.
You are fucking awesome!
I just started learn about Autism and PDA. Noone in any video seems to be so energetic and self confident as you. Go, go girl!
You just gave me a lot of strength!
I am PDA and usually I hate do things "together". You are great with your energy, honestly, sense of humor. I love when you sing, I love your directness.
PS. I love your "The end of the video song" !
I always remember in elementary school, we were assigned 20 minutes of independent reading time every night. I read all the time and I always said to my family, "I don't need to do the 20 minutes of independent reading because I just read so much anyway". Because I really did read that much, they agreed and didn't enforce it. But one time my sister was mad because she had to do her 20 minutes of reading, so my stepdad said, "Lexi has to do it too!" He was 100% only thinking "this is an easy way to get [sister] to do it and Lexi won't mind because she enjoys reading" but I got SO mad. I threw a tantrum, I went and hid in my closet. Eventually I WANTED to read to calm myself down but I also refused to because that would mean I'd thrown a tantrum for no reason. That really stuck with me because it was such a bizarre moment, even I didn't understand why I reacted that way... until a few months ago when someone told me about PDA autism for the first time. Over ten years later and it finally makes sense.
I have never related more to someones description of their childhood. I remember every week of summer my 'chore' would be mowing the lawn, & I think we all know how that went. Screaming, arguing, crying, dissociation, and avoidance, really just everything I could do to show my discomfort yet it was a battle fought yearly till I moved out
As a small kid I hated when the grownups told me I had to say "please" & "thank you." "What's the magic word?" I knew what they wanted me to say but there was no way I was going to say it. I hated "please" & "thank you."I never knew why but I hated those stupid words. I hated using names, too, & made my grandfather angry when I yelled over, "Hey you!" I didn't intend any disrespect, but that's how he took it.
You just gave me light about myself and the depression I’ve been battling this past year and a half’s is intensely related to demand avoidance which makes a lot of sense that this is the hardest time of my life regarding this sense of avoidance being a mom of 2 under 4!
You described my son to a T we just actually tried dance class and he ran out screaming and crying. I wish there was a better understanding. People in stores constantly stare because they don’t understand how overwhelming it is for him to be in a store when I’m telling him please don’t touch you know please behave please don’t race around the store with the cart, it’s constant demands so for the most part I let him enjoy his shopping experience, and I just take the stares.
so, you let your kid make everyone else miserable, so you dont have to do your job as a parent. disgusting.
I’ve just realised this now, but I think for me it’s doing my homework/ design projects for uni. I want to do them, I genuinely enjoy designing, but when someone tells me to do it, or even just reminds me that I have to do that, I’M OUT. I don’t want to do that anymore, because now it doesn’t feel like it’s my choice and like I actually want to do it.
Or when I was younger and my parents would tell me to do the dishes while I was on my way to do it on my own account, I didn’t want to do it anymore. They took away my ability to choose and just made it a mandatory thing, which made me not want to do it.
Thank you for this.😊
I'm AuDHD and my father is probably PDA autistic, it would explain a lot.
I wish you good luck in all your endeavours.
Kind regards from Iceland.
Love your outro song!! ❤️ Brushing my teeth and working out have been huge ones! Something that has recently helped me with brushing my teeth is getting aligners a week ago. Because I chose to get them and I already had the desire to keep my teeth clean, I’m brushing more routinely (morning, evening, and after meals), since now it doesn’t feel like a demand, but a choice. I’ve also worked out pretty solidly for years, but then I’ll go through a months-long stints of doing almost nothing since it will start feeling like a demand or expectation and not genuine choice. I also work out with an obstacle course racing team, so there’s the fear of letting them down even though they would NEVER make me feel bad in any way. Still working on that one.
"that's normal, no one likes being told what to do" yeah ok ty for your very informed wisdom, but have you considered
Being "told" doesn't need to be verbal. It can be implied demands/expectations. It can be self imposed, projected or perceived demands. real or not, tangible or not, exclusive to you or not. any chore can be a demand that makes your mind scream in agony at the idea of having to do it.
It's not just "not liking it" it's your brain and body absolutely resisting something. And if get to it, you better be fast or hope you find a way to make it enjoyable, or you feel your brain and body losing function in real time as you spend most of your energy coping with the skin crawling discomfort.
Anyways, I knew I had it but still found this video rlly interesting as it made me realise a lot more things that trigger/triggered it before and I didn't know.
In fact, I already was, but I'm starting to become a bit TOO suspicious that my ADHD might just be a misdiagnosis and it was PDA... And I've been taking medication...
Also work and low demand life... I literally don't know what to do or think I have an escape... I jave PDA, working part time kills my soul. I need a full time rn .. so i can afford a a place to sleep/live. Except i can't even get past the thought of working full time... My entire body feels like a two positive magnets trying to stick together. I have no support from family in any sense besides temporary housing unti i run out of money and my life is turned into hell, so yeah. I feel stuck and with an increasing bigger and more dangerous demand on my throat.
Bit uhm tricky to navigate... My life pretty much depends on it and I still can't overcome my PDA...
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! My daughter is 6 and has been struggling sooooo much in school 😢 it has been breaking her and her poor teachers. Last week she had a supply teacher who is a very experienced ND specialist teacher and she observed Aurora and said she is sure PDA needs to be looked at. Well, I'm amazed! I never knew it existed, I just knew she doesn't operate like other kids (I have 4 others). She never sleeps! Bedtimes are such a chore. And her "fight mode" response in school has just increased and escalated. Your video is the most validating and comforting thing honestly. I am so grateful you shared it with us. (Yay for Tiktok recordings!). You are beautiful and amazing. Thanks so much x
I have not heard that it's called persistent drive for autonomy!!!! OMG THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING
This is me!!! holy crap.
Thank you - I will now be obsessively researching this for the rest of my weekend :)
Wow I feel like this way of filming/editing was perfect for this subject because as you wrote in the description, you seem especially spontaneous and your video communicated many things to me, maybe because you were much more free to move around the room with the camera ? I'd already watched other videos about PDA but with yours it felt like learning from the inside, trhough the emotions and gut reactions, so thank you ! I identified even better with your experiences and could compare with my own feelings, and I think that my experience is very, very similar indeed :)
thank you for sharing this. i’m writing this comment through tears. my daughter is only 19 months old but i am so convinced she has PDA, this video already has her written all over it.
I’m 51 and have struggled with this my whole life. Most notably as a child, homework was such a struggle that my mom would be called into parent-teacher conferences regularly. I also remember failing freshman level English because the essay topics were so contrived and formulaic that I could not bring myself to write them despite being a gifted writer. I also remember being forced to quit piano lessons because my parents weren’t going to pay the $5/week if I wasn’t going to practice at home. I loved piano, but resented being given an ultimatum.
Playing musical instruments is awesome! One of the worst things that a parent can do is force their kids to take lessons, especially if they get on their case about the money it costs. The really screwy part is that it can, in fact, make the kid grow up to be a better musician sometimes. It's just that it's more likely to deter them from doing it.
Holy sh*t!!! I've been trying to figure this out for over 30 years and you just made it all so clear. I had no idea there was a name for this. Honestly, thank you so much!!
Ty for making the PDA/advertisements and hyperlexia/menus connections for me. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else talk about being hyperlexic as an adult. Peak validation experience
This... is, like, cracking a riddle that has been haunting my life since day one. Heard you drop PDA in another video, and I was like, "PDA autistic, what, like a Blackberry? Wow, haven't heard someone say PDA in forever." Then I'm just like, that's got to mean something, and I see this video on the side, and... boy, I'm glad I did, because I am DEFINITELY PDA autistic. It sucks, but kinda like receiving my autism diagnosis a few years ago, it is nice to have a name for why I am the way I am.
Plenty of PDA example from being a kid. In particular, I just could not handle any kind of change. Like I had a fear of knowing what was going to be for dinner in case there was some last-minute change beforehand.
But honestly as an adult it feels so much stronger. Normal adult human things sometimes feel like such an imposition. For years I used to believe I was just chronically lazy, but over the past few years and honestly evaluating the tirelessness with which I can devote myself to a task, I had to admit to myself that no, I'm not lazy, but... I guess it's something else, but I don't know. Welp, now I know.
Making food. I've learned that I actually don't hate cooking for myself, but the idea of having to do the cooking and cleaning afterwards makes me just never do it. Ever. Throw something in the oven to bake while I do something else? Okay, sometimes. Actively cook something? Absolutely not. Even eating itself will sometimes feel like a chore to put off until before I know it I've been up for the entire day, it's almost midnight, and I have not eaten a single thing.
Having a job? Sucks. I have to do some incredible mental gymnastics to have any kind of job. I need to be convinced down to my BONES that my occupation has concrete meaning, actually helps people, and gives me some sense of personal fulfillment. Money and success have very low incentivizing power for me. I would probably wind up starving to death before staying at a job I thought was meaningless.
Here's a big one for me, especially at THIS time of year when I'm writing (Christmas)- gifts. Both giving and receiving. I HATE it. For most of my adult life, I've tried to live a very minimalistic lifestyle, and the PDA is totally a huge reason for that: fewer things, fewer demands. Fewer things to rely on. I don't need furniture. I don't need a jacket, I don't need to turn on the heat- I can handle the cold. But this is not the way the rest of the world works, and people who love me want to try to fill those needs they see not being addressed. But that literally gives me anxiety. For Christmas, my mother sent me a recliner for my apartment. There's nothing wrong with it- it's a perfectly fine piece of furniture. But I spent the better part of an entire day just AGONIZING over having this thing in my house that it felt like I now needed to need. Giving it away or not using it felt really ungrateful, and now I felt this to demand to be grateful for this generous gift. I myself was honestly amazed at how stressed out I was about the whole thing.
And giving gifts is almost as bad- not as bad, but still bad. I have no idea what people actually want, but at this time of year you can't tell people, "Hey, I'd actually totally prefer NOT getting things for Christmas, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon not keep getting you weird stuff you need to pretend to like!"
You called learning about PDA "freaking life-changing". That's exactly how I feel right now. THANK you for sharing this.
Great video! I am sure I have PDA a bit at least. I think for me, if I get asked to do something I think they are expecting me to do it right away but I need time to transition between tasks and I need to process it on my own to understand its priority level. One thing I'm trying to do is remind myself I don't need to do it right away, and then if I feel overwhelmed my first solution is adding it as a task on my phone or on a paper I can put on the fridge or table, so I can see it later when I have time to assess it, and I guess it makes it more autonomous. But that's just my thoughts right now on a Monday evening and I'm a bit tired.
💗 love this!!! 🥰 PDA was one of the things that convinced me to get evaluated. Still haven’t gotten a diagnosis yet but pretty sure I’m autistic. This is one of my biggest problems & I have to be so on top of my stuff like I always have to be in charge of what I’m doing, my autistic friends are the same way. Growing up made it so much easier to make choices & that helped, & sometimes I think part of it is bc I know that I’ll get overstimulated so accommodations help
I'm 60 and just learned about PDA in the last 6 months! My mind was blown that there was a name and reason for something i just thought was basic procrastination. I have OCD, GAD and ADHD. PDA has probably impacted my life more negatively than the others. Mostly I've been able to channel the positives of the other but PDA makes my life a living hell. I'm a Realtor, so at least i get to choose my own schedule but then even if i make an appt. , many times it takes everything i have to follow through. This is a great message and we should all stick together and support each other!
Well this is a big answer. I've basically almost completely quit participating in society or hanging out with anyone because it just feels too demanding and overwhelming. It's always felt like an obligation and expectation rather than something I do because I enjoy it anyway.
Really enjoyed your video. Your wisest words were "Don"t listen to anyone. Listen to everyone and then ..." form the best way for you/your child. I paraphrase of course. Mental Health videos should come standard with this message. As a 58 year old recently diagnosed autistic/adhd person I cannot stress how helpful it is to hear people your age spreading this wisdom. Age and wisdom are not related and I recognize this more every day. Now to supply more wisdom in the form of your video to my poor not quite as old wife so she can try understand this 30 yr old mistake she made (totally in jest - dealing with the shame)
Oh, oh, that parenting tip on how to word things so that they don’t sound so demanding! Super helpful!! Thank you!! I’ve been trying to find that exact kind of thing and it’s been like a needle in a haystack. Gonna try it tomorrow 🌻
I feel so seen and more understanding of myself and my daughter. Thank you
*if you're wondering whether or not you have PDA:* i have a PDA nightmare story i went through earlier this year, and i feel like it's a pretty good litmus for whether you have PDA. (not perfect... but might help.) i'm 24, but i think it applies across all ages. here's the story:
imagine you're taking a college course. all the homework assignments AND EXAMS are online, multiple choice, infinite submission attempts. so you are pretty much guaranteed a 100 just by process of elimination, as long as you submit before the deadline. finishing an assignment or exam takes you maybe 5 or 10 minutes at the very most, and you walk away with a 100.
*is this class easy, or is it difficult?*
for me (i have PDA), it was difficult. extremely so. i "missed" 2 exams and 6 homework assignments, getting a 0 on each. i barely passed the course. how was i expected to find the motivation to waste 5-10 minutes of my life every 2 weeks at least, literally getting no benefit, not learning at all, not working at all, just submitting something _to submit something?_ so my professor could pretend he was teaching us, when he wasn't? sure, it was only 5-10 minutes, but the mental block to even BEGIN that task was staggering. i lost that battle many times... hence, me barely passing the course.
my classmates however (they do not have PDA) found it to be very, very easy. 5-10 minute homeworks and exams, with no work involved at all, for a guaranteed 100? they all got As for the semester. easy "GPA booster" class. no stress at all. they loved it. they are always surprised when they hear me speak negatively of the course.
i feel that the discrepancy in my perspective and my classmates' perspective boils right down to PDA. i couldn't bring myself to meet this completely meaningless demand, even though it was fast and virtually effortless. so, if you would have struggled in that class (and not because of being forgetful), then you probably have PDA like me. if not, then you probably don't have PDA.
again, this is not foolproof, but i think it can be helpful. i wish you all very good luck in better understanding yourselves and navigating the world around you. i love y'all!! take care :3 ❤
yes and yes. also you perfectly described the corporate experience. i tend to procastinate when it comes to bs tech trainings at work because i get overloaded with the info but then i remember that those trainings don't have any purpose, it's another nt ritual for social points (just like some group assignments at school). it's like the reason why we as autistics don't "play with others", we will be doing the work while they chat about the work. they are learning how to get around the work while we think there's any value in the work itself. my pda is my cheat code now :)
THIS! I am in my fifth semester of trying to get my AA, because I keep having to drop classes due to the demand of the easiest classes! Organic chemistry? The best grade I received, because all the work took time and I was already in class so I might as well do it (as it was an option to work on the course material in class or at home). My required comp course to graduate? Easy for everyone, simple assignments online due every Sunday and late assignments are barely docked points. Not so easy for me though! This is my THIRD time taking it, and it's like nails on chalkboard every time. It takes everything I have to meet the easiest of demands, but because they don't seem worth it and I don't feel like I have a choice to work at my own pace, I struggle so much with it.
@@jaelaholberg4338damn, are we in the same comp class? Because I STG I got the same thing going. I'm even retaking mine for the third time.
@notville_ hey man, some things are more difficult for some people than others. we do our best. hopefully you're not feeling too much pressure in your life :)
@@tubbygubblerI reported them. they commented the exact same thing underneath another comment as well. they were just aimlessly hitting around them
I am a 54 year old female that could be your twin 😂 i danced all through school as well. My family life was very authoritarian and abusive., so I always thought i had ODD. The PDA- internalizer profile fits me perfectly. I have two autistic children as well and I was diagnosed AuDHD at 52. This makes a whole lotta damn sense. These are tactics i used with my daughter as she definitely acted more like me when she was younger than my son who has more external meltdowns and has the more classic autistic features. Even though she masks way more and seems more functional; the autism has affected is both way more (from all 3 of our perspectives)
Happy Saturday, folks! This sounds so helpful, excited to watch
I really appreciate this video. I had not heard of PDA yet and it explains so much. I always just considered myself very non-conformist but it's so much more than that. This makes complete sense!
Thank you! Menus are overwhelming! By brain wants to make the optimal decision, but there's too much information and not enough time! It's why I generally go to the same places and have the same things. I know it's good and I can disregard all the other information. But then, sometimes, I want something different, and the whole thing starts over...
Wow! Thank you for articulating this. Having obligations feels like physical threads binding me. I relate to many of the examples you gave. I find that I prefer static menus to something like Chipotle where I have to make a bunch of choices. It’s silly but can be overwhelming. I spent most of my adult life working farming and landscaping jobs that provided a certain amount of autonomy, because being scheduled is painful for me. Driving is the worst. I did not get my drivers license until I was 44. Driving takes so much energetic and focus. It is always a relief when I arrive. I avoid driving as much as I can…. My current job is amazing, working as a fiber arts educator and collections manager at a Cannabis Museum, but also stressful to my nervous system because it can be so dynamic and demands that I shift attention abruptly….
Yes, obligations are anathema, always have been. I've been called irresponsible, immature, and lazy all my life. Yet i can be incredibly focused. But whatever, a life time of being the black sheep as only made me ... very very pizzed off, i look at humanity with ice cold eyes now, and have done so since a teen
PDAer, but I’ve always strongly internalised it as I’m a gen x, and just refusing to do shit when I was younger was never wise. And I have such fierce RSD and a massive people pleaser, so yeah, I just forced myself over and over. Still do to a degree, it is actually extremely exhausting. You’ve helped me understand why I have always had to force myself to go to classes of sports (and other things) I love. Thank you xxx
Thank you so much!! This is totally life changing! You remind me so much of my own daughter and I’m very grateful for you sharing.
Thank you SO much for all of this...just THANK YOU!
This is definitely something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm 31, and have accomplished very little because doing literally anything that I genuinely don't want to do feels nearly impossible, and the adult world doesn't work like that. It seems like a lot of people discover these things about themselves and feel at peace with it, and good for them, but that hasn't been my experience. I feel like a parasite who chooses to not pull his own weight and not take responsibility for his own life, because I guess I'm still holding myself to the standards of a neurotypical person.
I am so thankful for you. People don't understand what they can't see.
This kind of video follows my life principle of « Be Lightful »! If any process is heavy, it’ll drain you. If a process is light, then so much more can be done without ever going into burnout!
I just saw the notification you posted a PDA video and got super excited haha. Thank you so much for your content and perspectives!❤
Hey Paige! I just wanted to come back to tell you I went looking for an advanced copy of your book from the publisher and got approved to review it early! I can't wait for midterms to be over so I can read it.
This blew my mind and made so many things make sense. Things for myself and for my son 🙏
Mama of a PDA LO and I appreciate your POV so much!
This entire concept explains so much about why I struggle to be self sufficient in any way, with a very controlling mother, and whenever I’m not around intensely controlling people I’m quite capable, to the point where I surprise myself, and on my own in professional settings I usually get treated as someone with some form of authority, but once someone tries to dictate my behavior, as opposed to teaching or correcting when necessary, I get overwhelmed, shut down, and they have to walk me through every little thing.
ADHD (probably PDA too) and my 11 yr old is textbook PDA with a similar diagnosis. We have conflicts all the time, they're so much smaller now. When they say learning is half the battle, it is, and things are finally getting better for both of us. Thank you so much for educating us.
You are in my heart,
on my mind,
wouldn’t want to get left behind.
I think I am, as well as a couple of my kids..? Wow thanks Paige, for yet another great video!
Please keep talking about PDA? I believe that is what my daughter has with the autism and ADHD. You are a great individual to be talking to the community. A friend from Beaumont, Alberta
Omg. This is the most accurate description of what I experience I have ever heard😂
Yup, PDA here! I've learned to manage it a bit, but daily tasks like bathing, dressing, and eating are still fraught with difficulty. I have stayed home instead because I couldn't do the basics and didn't want to leave the house until I could. Also, I definitely do it internally, there aren't any outward signs unless somebody is paying close attention.
I feel like this explains so much why I can't have multiple like.. recurring things going on (like deep dungeon groups), or why I do so much better as a manager in a work environment than a normal employee-- I can do both very well, but one leaves me having melt downs sometimes weekly, and one does not. I am a people pleaser, but I am also very prideful and determined, and always have to have things done the best way they can be.
Well thank god for your post young lady. As a mother of a child that I could just never seem to "reach" Im finally seeing her behavoiurs in a new light.
It turns out we are likely BOTH Autistic but I cope with it by being super organised, tidy, a scheduler and list maker.
She is definitely PDA with a touch of oppositional defiance.
I love her immensely but getting constantly blamed for every little problem was completely soul destroying.
When she cut off communication I was heartbroken, and still am, but I have to admit life is more peaceful.
Hopefully understanding each other better will help us find a way to at least be able to interact on a sociable level again.
I miss the kind, gentle soul I know she is beneath all the spite and anger.
This is such a good, concise video. I have watched so much on PDA, but this had a lot of new insight!
Omg you literally made me realise so much about myself in just this one video. Thankyou!
This video is so incredibly helpful. I would love additional details and thanks to you I now know what this is called so I can dig in and research some. Thanks so much! ❤
I dislike when videos end abruptly so the end of video song hit just right 👌🏻 thankyou!
I'm possibly PDA because I have different attitudes toward daily tasks depending on the day, but usually it's a hill to climb just to brush my teeth or make a smoothie. I feel down on myself for succumbing to just sitting in my chair and not being able to muster the willpower to do these tasks. I definitely overwhelm myself at times by putting them all on a mental checklist like "I don't want to do all eight of these things, they're going to take forever, but they're essential to my day, so what the fuck? Why does there have to be so much shit?"
this sounds a bit like executive dysfunction to me, if youre looking for a researchable term!
Thank you Page! I really need strategies for working with a spouse with PDA.
I love the alternative label, but you said it fast. Something Autonomous. I was hoping for a beer label, although it feels like Pathological Rejection Screaming Dysfunction over what is merely a request for a preference Mmmm.
I learned a ton from this video. I only just heard of the term in Paul's Autism Summitt a week ago. I literally felt something click inside and a huge sense of relief.
Your video was not only clear, but helpful. Please do kore indepth videos on this because it really helped me.
I always lkked you from the time I first found your videos. Now I know why. I could see that you had answers for me in a way I did not expect. I learned so much from you and always felt deeply saddened when you were facing a challenge. However you helped me understand 1 person on the spectrum. Now you are helping me piece together the second person on the spectrum.
I am so grateful to you. Thank you.
I forget to say something very important.
You are a champion for winning your battles every day.
This is the first I've heard of PDA as persistent demand for autonomy. While I identify with persistent demand avoidance, I identify much more with the demand for autonomy. Thanks!
@6:30 "PDA people are good at sniffing out when people are trying to sell them something or when there's an ulterior motive or when someone's tryin' to make you feel a way or trying to influence you in a way so you're being controlled, not autonomous and I can smell that bullshit a mile away and I'm not doin it!" I can see your passion in the way you said that. Yes, I feel this!
Yeah, i guess its that. Autonomy is a value. Sovereignty, or independence of thought or action, or more specifically, i would describe it as freedom from external constraint, or influence , or modification.
Likely my supreme value. Like George washignton said, "give me liberty or give me death, ".... i knew there was a reason i liked america so much, all my life, more so than most. I'm from UK. Where theres is no constitution, no bill of rights, and endless bureaucracy, the closest thing to being free in england is being a criminal, a high price to pay if you wanna live free
I already thought that I dealt with PDA because of just how much it irritates me when people have told me to do something. ESPECIALLY when I'm in the middle of doing it or about to do it and then I don't want to anymore - only if it's work related I have to and I just feel awful about it.
This is the first time I've heard that questions could trigger it as well though!! Through my childhood I wasn't given a choice when we would go out to get fast food aside from "do you want it?" and there were no issues. When I started relationships "what do you want to eat?" became SUCH a hard question for me. Not only because it started out difficult due to me being a people pleaser but the more it was asked the more it ended up seeming like a demand. They never told me where THEY wanted to eat or what they wanted to eat. I understand they probably wanted me to feel good about it but all it did was become a demand to choose what we would eat all the time and it would get increasingly difficult (no to mention the absolute scope of a question with no parameters like that, you think I've got good object permanence??). If I got a question of "burgers or pizza?" it would be a TON easier to answer
Perfect description!!!! I relate so much
Soo relatable! I didn’t even consider ads 😂 I can’t help but say aloud “ No, don’t tell me how to live!” at the screen. My daughter is also autistic and loves dance but struggles to get to class some days. If it’s a concert or performance however, she will never ever turn down the opportunity.
Thank you for saying that you can smell bullshit or know when someone is being manipulative. Its one of the few social cues i can actually pick up on lol. The thing about menus being a demand makes so much sense because i never looked at it that way. When i get a menu i open it and look at it and any word that pops up to me immediately i just pick that and close it and i never knew why i would do that. I thought i was being effecient, but really i think i was overwhelmed by the choices like you said. A big demand that i despise is "how are you". Another big one is "no, no, no" or "stop!". These freak me the fuck out and i drop whatever im holding and just stare at the ground and zone out. Unfortunately a lot of my family members dont know how to just say "youre doing this wrong, this is the correct way" but instead just yell STOP or NO NO NO NO over and over and its extremely upsetting
I didn’t realize this about myself until my children were diagnosed and it dawned on me why pregnancy and motherhood has been so hard. There’s NO autonomy.
I get overwhelmed my menus as well... the longer the menu the worse it gets.
Paige I thought i was broken. I have hated myself for 23 years. I feel like im at war with myself and being ripped apart by all of the demands of life. I always heard “you take things way too personally. Not everything is a personal attack.” And now i understand why. I’ve never felt so heard.
This is sooo relatable!
I still remember my troubles with doing homework or performing set tasks that my stepmum wanted me to do. She thought I refused to do things because I was supposedly lazy, but it just made me very anxious if I was pushed into a corner. Now I even understand why I was so terrified when my ex wanted to move in with me, she kind of demanded it and this feeling of my autonomy being violated (and not the moving in part!) terrified me, so I did everything I could to avoid it, but she felt like I hated her and never wanted to move in, even though that wasn't the reason (I was a bit traumatized by the experience though).
And honestly, PDA is a huge problem for children in school when they write exams. They freeze and can't perform their tasks and then they hand in blank sheets, even though they were very good students and understood everything else. These autistic kids are not given a fair chance. If they get a choice task, they excel!