1) you have friends but no communities in real life. Antidote is say yes to new connections and do things you’re interested in within a community 2) you work from home - you have to be very intentional about getting out there - go to the grocery store with your hair looking great, linger in the fruit section and look in people’s eyes!!!😊 3) you live in the middle of nowhere. 4) not proud of yourself 5) You are tired and don’t have the energy. You need energy to create time and opportunities. Yep🎉
1) If you’re overweight, get lean. Men are VISUAL CREATURES. We cannot envision you 50 pounds lighter 😂 2) SMILE more, guys are wussies. We will not approach if you look like you’ll shame us. 3) DO NOT DRESS SEXY. I know this sounds crazy, but you’ll attract men who only want casual encounters if you dress sexy. 4) Say HELLO FIRST. Make eye contact, smile, break the ice without being “flirty”. In case he’s taken, you won’t get “rejected”, since you’re just making small talk. Best of luck girls, good men are everywhere. Make the effort and you’ll find him! PS: Stay away from dating apps, guys are not looking for relationships there. Only 1 nite stands. ❤
@@sfrealestatedealmaker6001guys can also start with buying a face cream and getting a hair transplants - we can’t envision you without the hairline cooking in the kitchen instead of being with us in the bedroom
Definitely a combination of community and energy. These past couple years hit me so hard in my energy and desire to deal with dating. I mentally don't have the energy to deal with the mind games people play when dating. I don't find it fun or enjoyable. So online has been hard and lack of community means no exposure to new people.
so date in your friendzone, if youre fit friendly an feminine im sure that scarcity is just you yourself being much to picky. most men dont play games, only the men you like, so you need to work on yourself.
The best way to meet people is organically through a social network. Joining local singles activities, clubs and organizations, taking classes, church if you're religious. Anyone you may know can arrange fix ups.
@@ray076NL actually most of my friends that are male are already attached (and I don't poach ) or are gay. The ones I try and date only want a hook up and nothing serious. And to an extent I am a bit picky but I feel it's more a standards thing than being picky. I'd rather stay single than in a relationship miserable because I settled.
Well, guessing youre not 20 anymore you dont have many options left. are you fit feminine and friendly? You overvalue yourself. Seeing your response you're still going for the exciting top 10% one night stand guy who will never settle for you so your idea of what the 80% of men want is scewed towards the badboy type. Most men just want a peaceful cooperative relationship. Other women were much smarter than you and took the best men of the market as soon as they could. You're not settling for any man, the man is settling for YOU and you're just not happy with the choices you have left at your leftover stage in life.
My-mind-is-BLOWN! I've never thought about the difference between having friendships and communities. Holy cow, that's a fantastic observation. Hat's off to you, Matt.
I have started to tone down online dating and meet people much more. This is a precious change. Meeting after talking online bears too much pressure. But if you simply meet the person at first, the initial step has already past
Thankyou for the share Matt, I greatly appreciate it, yes..I want to change my singleness, time for myself... it's important,I am important...my happiness is important...
Thankyou for the share Matt, I greatly appreciate it, yes..I want to change my singleness, time for myself... it's important,I am important...my happiness is important...
Reason #6, I'm no longer settling. Having done the healing work, gone to therapy, I see unhealed/damaged people everywhere, and I am such an advocate for everyone and anyone doing therapy, but when a lot of people deny that they need any help, it starts to affect every relationship they get into. The pool of healthy, healed men is so small, it limits my options.
@Cultureal not just that, but the ones putting in the work. I dated someone going to therapy but wasn't doing the work to get better. He more just used it as an ego boost and learned how to be a better manipulator.
@@cultureal9544 for whatever reason, too many men don’t even know they need it and never learn how to identify and navigate their own feelings. What happens instead is we (women, historically) continue to coddle their men and make excuses for their lack of emotional maturity. Too many women are tired of that and prefer to be alone.
Dating has changed. The days of “I would never treat someone that way” are over. So many people look at others as disposable benchwarmers until what they really want shows up. Caveat: What they want…doesn’t want them hence not having that person. Single is less disappointing , sadly
Yet those relationships with 'benchwarmers' are the rehearsals for one with Mr or Miss Right. How you treat them will affect future relationships. Treat them right & you will find better people or they might become the right person. Don't treat them right & you get a bad reputation so people will avoid you.
@@lydiam9323 Years ago online dating was considered only for those who couldn't get dates in real life but more of us started meeting each other through the internet even if it was just casual forum meet ups at first & then finding love through that. Then dating apps started.
I'm 65 and haven't given up on love. After a failed relationship, I take stock, realize what part I played in the end of it, see what I've learned as a result, and eventually get back in the saddle again and go back on the online dating site I've known for years. I've been on 4 dates so far and yes it can get old, but I'm meeting people and the last date was last night and there has been a mutual attraction there so........while not getting my hopes up too high, there still is hope and I'm not giving up. Life is good and I am content.
@@majrminer Assume and you make an ass of yourself...........I've paid for all the first dates with men and then alternate from then on if there's more than one. Ass.
You are 100% right. I mostly feel good and open to the world, and easily make connections with others. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I need to make structural changes: I’m an international flight attendant and am gone for days at a time. When I get home, jet lag and fatigue keep me inside. I’m getting ready to switch to USA flights only, where I come home to my own home each night. Men are somewhat intrigued by flight attendants, but not when they realize the woman is actually traveling for half the month! I’m also planning a move to a larger city by next summer. One of my criteria is choosing a city where I can find community! Your video solidifies for me that the changes I’m planning can be the catalysts I need to make space in my life for love. Thank you!
1) Community is so underrated and very important. Good point. 2) WFH = self isolation and the inertia to get out is real. Good point. 3) Living in the middle of nowhere ... I'm not too sure about this one. 4) We're not taking pride in ourselves. Good point 5) I'm too freaking tired and don't have the time or energy. Good point.
I would say that point 3 is the most obvious: if you live in a cabin in the woods, it’s only in the Xmas movies that a beautiful stranger will knock on the door 😅😂
It's incredible but absolutely everything you say happens to me. And yet, I have thought for a long time that I was single only because of me. Thank you for talking about this and taking away so much guilt!
I think one of the reasons, which is missing from this list, is - not knowing who you are and what you want. So many people seek out for wrong people and dont use “filters” to find the person they actually enjoy. Too many people have “types” and dont even give a chance to someone, who may not be their ideal
As someone who has never had the opportunity to grow due to being stuck at home working overnights doesn't allow me to have a social life and know what I want
Amazing content. Nice to see a non- toxic love advice, compassionate, and such that applies to everyone regardless of their gender. Keep doing it, you are doing it well.
#6 Because life without boyfriend also one of the most simple, tranquil and enjoyable life that I've known by far. It's difficult to trade your already simply great life and add new complexities just for the sake of not being alone while actually you enjoy that singlehood life. A lot. Maybe some people just not fit with "in a relationship" circumstances. Maybe..
My partner and I independent people he passed away now I love my dog bemused by the subject of mortality but frankly not missing things -- they meant a lot but I'm naturally rather self contained so get your drift entirely.
I know what you mean. My husband and I were both like that and happy to be single. We were only willing to trade that in for someone really special. Turns out, we are both not very social and love to be alone, yet we can spend hours and hours with each other and we never get tired of each other. He is a very special one indeed - if he wasn't, I'd still be single.😉 And now my life is so much better, I would never have thought that possible.
Wow! You absolutely nailed it. A necessary call out on so many levels. I feel a refreshed call to action on things that are absolutely within my own control. Bravo, Matthew!
Relationships were not a priority in my twenties, personal goals were on top of the list making dating nonexisiting. After completing after 30's now the struggle is real
Oh no im 28 ..still romantic department isn’t a priority .. how do i change this?!? Im the type of person who cannot instantly like a guy. I get ask out a lot i just dont feel any attraction towards them 😔
For women this is a hard reality of the modern times and the culture that the feminist movements sparked. Putting career goals first, dating casually, sleeping around, competing against men, and becoming an ‘independent woman’ creates an almost unnatural biological drive which pushes out marriage until later in life, and in most instances creates an unnatural competition of women against men for a competitive advantage. And in many cases, it seems to breed a competitive toxicity between genders, or a ‘game’ when it comes to the courtship process. I’m pretty sure the courtship processes of our past generations were much more natural and romantic than the swipe-right generations of today, who have the ‘illusion’ of choice. Women putting off settling down well into their 30s are going to have very few quality options of men. Most good men will be taken, have plenty of options, or looking for someone more youthful and fertile for building their own family. Then, of the majority there will be men who are divorced, aren’t husband material, or not looking for a relationship. And, when it comes to younger inexperienced men, they aren’t generally going after cougars, not for anything long term. Women who have crossed into their 30s are at a serious disadvantage and need to be on their best behavior and present the best version of themselves they can possibly be if they are expecting to compete and have good options to choose from. Unfortunately, narcissism often enters the fold with all the validation of the swipe right era. Women act any way they please and still get attention from external sources. Many guys put up with bad or toxic behavior (for a little while at least), instead of holding high standards and holding women accountable for toxic and bad behavior. Therefore, there is a culture of women who think they can be some variation of a ‘bad bitch’ and they can just keep swiping, with an ‘illusion’ of choice, perpetuating a sense of being rewarded for bad behavior. The majority of women, when they hit their 30s and 40s and want to settle down, they are already in a self-sabotage cycle and start blaming men for their problems, with zero accountability. The fit, friendly, feminine woman who brings peace to a man is increasingly rare in the digital age. The same goes for many men suffeting from variations of toxic masculinity in the digital age, in many regards, but the biological clock is something that can’t be ignored for women.. By 35, a woman should have had plenty of ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ time to be mentally fit and know what makes for a good wife and to attract good men. Not to mention enough time for that well-established great career. That is, if they aren’t in therapy and damaged goods at this stage. But, even if so, they’ve convinced themselves that they are an independent version of themselves, that should be accepted and worthy for however the present themselves, deserves nothing but the best with little merit to back up that claim, and that needs no man. Whereas, pursuing and putting a priority on attracting high quality men through virtue and high moral values (suitors for marriage) with the potential for having babies earlier in life is an advantage to doing the exact opposite. The career goals can come later with the support of a husband and perhaps when the kids enter school age. This is the ideal timeline for overall success on family ‘and’ career goals, paired. Disrupting a career with marriage and newborns at the age of 35 isn’t advantageous, can be rather stressful, detrimental, risky, and many times can be career ending, all of which can impact a marriage. Many women wish to party, travel, ‘live it up’, and experience freedom in their 20s, but none of that prepares them to be a wife, and by the time the 30s come around, they’re a decade behind in that regard and struggling to catch up, now finding themselves in panic mode while scrambling to figure out what it means to be wife material. Starting in the 30s through the 40s and beyond, women lose their youthfulness, desirability, fertility, and innocence. The biological clock starts ticking, options are drying up, the smell of desperation fills the air, and the vast choices of good men are gone. Suddenly, all that time spent being free, traveling, and becoming an independent woman doesn’t mean much when they’re trying to find someone wanting to settle down with them, or trying to lock someone down for babies. And frankly, now it’s seems more like they are ‘settling’ for a lifestyle that doesn’t seem as exciting as what they’ve already experienced. But, the biological urge and desire for motherhood, companionship, love, and family is almost inevitable. It’s unfortunate, but women just don’t have many good options passed the age of 30. However, if a young lady has been schooled on how to be attractive to men and educated on what makes for a good wife, and what to look for in a husband, a woman in her 20s can have almost an unlimited choice to whomever they want to attract, of any age. It’s pretty simple, too, by being the kind of woman who makes for a good wife and mother. And, by being fit, friendly, feminine, supportive, and peaceful. It’s surprising how rare those types are these days. It seems like an independent woman who spent her 20s and 30s focused on building a well-established career or business would be more attractive in her mid-30s to 40s, but it’s actually the opposite in most instances. Many times it doesn’t pan out as expected, they need a partner to help with their business, a lot of (family building) time wasted in their youth, a bunch of casual dating was experienced, a loss of pair bonding has resulted, perhaps a pregnancy or 2, they’re too busy and stressed to be focused on courtship, and they’ve lost their youthfulness. And, in most cases, if the woman is truly successful and independent, they will not be happy as the provider or support system for a man who can’t meet her at that level. Therefore, she must look for the top 2% (who are mostly spoken for, extremely rare, and have an abundance of options). Whereas, a good quality man in his 30s to 50s who spent his 20s and 30s building a career, and is established with assets and/or resources can be an excellent provider and support system to any woman in their 20s and beyond. They may in fact wish to marry down, and find someone extremely humble, easy going, meek, and low maintainence. They have an abundance of choice to provide for whomever is willing to build with them a happy home, family, and possibly support their wife in the pursuit of a career or building a family business. These good men are willing to wait for the one who captures their heart, or just continue solo. Whereas, a woman who wasted their youth may be have to ‘settle’ by the age of 35, if she needs a support system and wants a family. Culturally, we have lost the foundation of teaching males how to be good husbands and females how to be good wives. It’s all about the free spirit, accept people how they are (not as the best version of themselves they can possibly be), instant gratification, politics and attacks on the patriarchy, with no strong foundational direction or purpose towards building family. It’s no easy feat to find someone who fits the mold these days, dates with intent, has a clear direction or purpose, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. All we can do is move forward, do our best, and try to make a difference for our future generations.
@@joesandstrom4111 wow, thanks so much for feeling the need to enlighten us women as to exactly where we've gone wrong in life. I feel this reply completely unnecessary and unhelpful, and am unsure why you decided to write such a chauvinistic essay in response to this comment. Perpetuating ideas that women lose their beauty and appeal after a certain age, thus having no worth to men, is disgraceful. You claim women have "wasted their youth" before age 35? But men haven't? Long gone are the days where women's main priorities in life are to become wives and mothers. Perhaps it's time you let go of these outdated ideals, and start living the reality of the present time.
@@aliciacorazzol1812 Look, I can’t help that you feel offended by facts. Or, that you mis-label others for presenting the facts. You mentioned it being harder, and I’m in agreement, with facts to back it up. It’s not to devalue anyone, it’s to provide clarity and transparency to hopefully help some people navigate modern day problems. For women to be attractive, regardless of age, they need to level up. And older women should be operating at the highest levels if they want some options. For older women still frustrated with dating, they need to pick better men, operate better and more feminine, and more like a wife than their younger and more attractive counterparts. Operating from a more feminine nature presents better and more options, which leads to longer lasting and healthier partnerships. I’m not hear to author a chauvinistic essay, as you so arrogantly framed it. Maybe with an open mind things can be seen from a different perspective. And, to realize this isn’t chauvinism, but more highlighting a serious and detrimental cultural trend that has been on the rise, resulting in much less happier, healthy and satisfied generational relations. Perhaps it’s your own misandry, and denial, that mocks me for presenting reality. I can’t help that the reality of biology and biological choice is offensive to you, that you find biology, science and historical data to be ‘chauvinistic’, find it personally degrading, and that you don’t like to be presented with it. However, for some it may actually help and be a wake up call for change that they need. Perhaps before it’s too late. You will find countless women (and men) who agree 100% with these views. Countless women who speak for and against the very things I’ve pointed out. Countless women who are trying to warn youth not to fall into the career priority traps they have, who waited until their mid-30s to try and settle down, found no success in their career paths, finally want children before it’s too late, (if they aren’t already a single mother), have little means to support them, can no longer attract men, and have lost their ability to bare children. If what I’ve mentioned has no merit, then why are so many women trying to also speak their own truth? Yet, so many remain in denial about the reality of what happens when you wait too long, and lash out anyone who challenges the status quo for a return to what traditionally has worked. You seem to blame traditional thinking, yet fail to see the irony that things worked better in society as a whole with traditional cultural norms towards dating, courtship, and marriage. Abandoning those ideals, is just drowning oneself while getting in quicksand. But, by returning to solid ground and safe from the swamp, everyone wants to join you, and it becomes your choice. When it comes to dating, adhering to moral values give you the upper hand. We are both in agreement that it gets much harder for women approaching their 40s. And, I’ve said it’s unfortunate. It’s not chauvinistic to say so. Nor did I say older women are devalued, nor did I devalue any woman for their age. This isn’t about ageism, its about family, and fertility, it’s about moral character, biology, science, pro-creation, and what is most attractive to a mate. It’s about reality, not fantasyland. There are plenty of older women who are high value and would be a great catch for the right guy! If the careers, the readiness, and everything line up perfect, this is wonderful. Two highly successful people starting a family in their 30s-40s as mature adults. What a blessing! But, starting to be marriage minded mid-30s for a female is tough! Especially if goals get de-railed. More people should communicate these complexities to the youth, to help them navigate future plans. Your personal attack and trying to mock my freedom of my speech on the matter by the means of slander doesn’t help anyone. It’s just part of the problem. If a woman gets married in her early 20s and it ends in a separation or due to the death of her spouse, she has time to try again for a second marriage and to have some kids. A woman in her mid-30s or 40s, the odds get much, much worse and children may be impossible. The reality is that any man from the ages of 20-55 wanting to start a family with 2-3 offspring with someone in their mid 30s, it’s almost impossible. None of this is chauvinistic, or my fault, it’s biological fact. Sometimes people need a reality check and a reminder. I really don’t care if it offends you. Men, who want offspring and a family, biologically will gravitate towards more fertile and youthful women for courtship. This is mostly on a subconscious level, but also enters conscious choice. Especially if they want, say 5 children. They will be seeking as many youthful prospects as possible to find one who wants the same out of life. In general, older woman will naturally have a harder time competing with youthful, energetic, more fertile women. And, most good men will no longer be available. Older women can still find men to date, but finding ones who are in it for the right reasons and looking for a deep long-term commitment will be even rarer. Career priority has caused an imbalance and strain in both familial and relational systems. Society pushes the career narrative, and has abandoned the family narrative. Society pushes the promiscuity narrative and betrays the commitment narrative. Maybe more people should speak the truth, rather than being sold on the lies. I’m not sure why you’re taking your anger out at me, or men in generally for this cultural problem. It’s just a generalized outline of reality. And by me speaking the truth, it shouldn’t be the cause for outrage. It’s time to wake up. Just because your insight provided so little clarity, doesn’t mean that someone else’s insight may not be helpful or insightful to someone else, as there are many lost. Not everyone has the same view as you either. Some are traditional-minded, and some are young and want to build a loving family. Some want to have a supportive husband who is a provider, and be wives. Some are trying to figure out if they should focus on career first, or family first. Your words come across as if being a wife has a negative connotation. Yet, you can’t seem to fathom that it can be the most beautiful and rewarding experience any human can have. And that it might be in a young woman’s best interest to make it a priority. I’m so sorry for whatever experience put the idea of wife it in such a negative light. And, regardless of ‘the times’, the number one biological urge of a human female (and a male) is pro-creation. That pro-creation comes along with building family, resources, protection, providing, support, nurturing, and love. Since the dawn of humans, this is inherent. It’s ancient, its timeless, it’s natural, it’s in our DNA. There are a lot of woman, more than not, who later in life regret not having kids and family after realizing it too late, never understanding what it is to be a good wife, struggling to survive, dying alone with their cats. I’m not at all a surprised or offended by your passive aggressive response. It wasn’t wonderful, feminine, or divine insight, and it lacked logical thought. Rather, it does seem that you have taken my words rather personal, as if something hit home and it triggered you. No need to project your own misandry as misplaced chauvinism upon others, to cure some sort of narcissistic impulse. My comment was a generalization based upon logic and your response to it was an attack based on pure emotional toxicity. Being triggered and spiteful based on past trauma and reality has nothing to do with the facts about what men are ultimately attracted to, nor does it give any validity to your response. In fact, I don’t know what your point was. I guess it was something along the lines of: ‘f-you, times have changed, women don’t need good men, women don’t want to be wives, f-the children, and screw tradition.’ Feminism, basically. Anti-femininity. Just what any good man wants... not. If you want to tell people what men are attracted to, and think you are the moral authority on it, go ahead, you have that right. It’s certainly not 35 year old WAP, and ‘Boss Bitches’. Perhaps that’s called lust, a fun carousel ride, or a ‘game’ to win. And yes, some women do in fact waste their youth, there’s really no reason to be angry and attack others by that fact. You’re in denial if you don’t believe that. In any case, perhaps you could ask your grandmother and/or mother what it is to be a good wife, and how to attract and keep a good quality man. Maybe they never taught you. Maybe they did. I do know, however. But, based on your response, it doesn’t sound like it matters anyway If the secret to a man’s heart is to get a career first, blow off all the nice guys in the process, and wait until your mid-30s, I’d be surprised. It would be something more along the lines of fit (body, spirit and mind), friendly, and feminine; as well as someone who brings peace. That’s what brings real value and is the type of woman who doesn’t stay on the market very long. Career means nothing if those characteristics are missing. To be honest, your reaction to being presented with reality, your words, your implied interpretation of what a wife is to a man, and how you treat strangers seems rather toxic. Sometimes the stranger that is mis-labelled is actually a good man, who is simply on the lookout for a good woman. And, perhaps that very person would also be a good father with good, loving guidance for a daughter. Food for thought, you never know who you’re trying to offend and slander, but maybe it’ll help in the future! Sometimes the truth hurts. Don’t blame the messenger. Best of luck out there.
Newly divorced, working from home since the pandemic and taking care of sick relatives. I am actually resonnate a lot, I am going to be more proud open and conscious of my action into communities. Thank you soooooo much.
It's like happiness... It is not the end of the journey... Reaching a point for instance... It is the journey itself and the milestone you set though life...
Yup. Get it. Well said, advised and tutored. Seven yrs aloneness (inc 2 with Covid restrictions) and keeping on keeping on, takes a toll. I passed landmark birthday this year. I'm still leaning into my own life (having leant into others). Everything Matthew says makes sense. Balance is key. Confidence everything. Elder years is different
thank you! as a gay man, this was such a meaningful video that made sense and resonated with me. I really like the importance of being in communities vs just having friends or apps. and doing things that make me feel good about myself, giving myself enough time and energy to create opportunities, making TIME for my love life, and putting yourself in new pools. this was so affirming to me what I already suspected what I needed to do and so relatable !
I’ll have to watch again but I can say the one that hit me hardest is I’m simply tired. Yes I do rest but between work and other things that I put before me really causes me to hide and regroup on my days off. Yep a introvert here 😊 and I do need my time to decompress. You have inspired me to check out the small bookstore in my rural town to just get in a different atmosphere. Thanks for this video I needed it
You make good points but I think more broadly that this world has changed. People have wounded hearts and feel that responsibility of relationship isn’t worth the trouble
I'm a 20 year old man and currently engaged to the love of my life. I have known her since we were small children, and have been courting her for a few years now. I have never felt so good in all of my short life, and have never been happier than I am now. Love does exist, and there is someone out there right now who is just like you and wants nothing more than to meet their life partner. The best advice I would give someone is to do the things you love doing, and in doing so you will meet someone who also loves doing them.
You nailed it! That advice on energy and time was so accurate it made me laugh and cry at the same time. Special thanks from a person healing from chronic fatigue 🙏
@@HB-he2eh if I may advise as someone who would like you to have more energy I would try the following. Go to Dr. And explain and get a full blood panel. You might be deficient is something or have a health issue that can be treated. You might be low dopamine and thus low motivation and energy. A drug like zyban / wellbutrin can help and it has generally no sexual side effects. Infact it may increase libido. Next, ensure you get enough water, yes, water. Drink at atleast 500ml upon waking. 1 litre is better. 3 litres a day. Eat better foods and get sufficient protein. Reduce coffee / caffeine and do not drink upon waking. If you feel like crap until you get your first coffee you have a caffeine dependency and need to break it. I did this recently and dont need coffee to get going or stay awake anymore. I drink decafe. Sometimes i will have a coffee just after lunch if i didnt get a good sleep. Work out. At the least go to gym and do incline walking on treadmill at speed that is challenging. Is you bed comfortable? If none on that works maybe engage in a sleep study.
@Brandon Mills thank you, your timing is impeccable! Todsy for the first time in a long time I drank water first thing in the morning (vs coffee) and did a little work out and feel energized! After exercising, I feel amazing, after drinking water, I feel amazing, but when I sit and start to think I get exhausted easily. I chew on problems to try to find solutions, sometimes causing unnecessary stress. Many thanks for the ideas, encouragement and hope! (24 oz of water down, about 100 more to go! I think we get dehydrated easily) Cheers to the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you!!
Interesting reading your replies. I feel that way. Sometimes I feel I need to check the doctor in case I have something. Energy is truly everything. Somehow some people are naturally gifted in having higher energy and can accomplish more. hhhmmmm
@@HB-he2eh glad you were receptive to my advice and that it seems to help. Okay, about the fatigue when thinking or doing work that requires thinking, I have been there. So my advice is to slow down, start with a note book and a pen and write down the to do list and the steps to complete each. You need to break it down into smaller pieces and download it to paper so you don't have to store it in your head. This will reduce overwhelm and stress. Now the issue could be dopamine related. This might dissipate once a caffeine dependency is gone. Also, a digital detox could be beneficial. If not that then if you are prone to anxiety/ depression a medication like zyban or sertraline work on dopamine. Now the level beyond is the possibility of ADHD. This is the extreme end and is more then being easily distracted. It's a condition well beyond that, that has a real often negative impact on people's lives. People with ADHD often have extreme attention for things they like but really struggle with things they don't and just get fatigued.
Thank you for this! I relate to these reasons and the great thing about you, is you give us possible solutions, as we’re too busy FEELING what Is happening to us instead of THINKING why! Love you Matthew!
I resonate with all of these! I just moved to another country, studying and working full-time, but from home. It's been incredibly difficult. But appreciate you putting them into words.
Definitely reason number five…I’m too tired and my time is too precious to waste on people who just drain me of whatever little energy is left. Plus, reason number six, is that unless I meet a person who fulfills my needs and wants, and adds value to my life, then I’d rather be alone and peaceful.
I'm Susan from San Antonio Texas and I met you in 2015 at the Loews Coronado Bay Resort in San Diego at a conference you and your family were hosting. It was a great 5 day program. You are looking great by the way! I wish you and your family a Blessed and Merry Christmas and happy New Year! Susan from San Antonio
So true, if something is a priority or gives you energy you can always find time. And being ready to take opportunities when they present themselves is very important too. Too much effort to go out and it not being worth the hassle really hit home. You don't alway know if things are worth it but driving an hour and back just to be disappointed over and over quicky gets you unmotivated to waste your energy. And then it's easy to get in a negative spiral.
As someone who will always have a lot of plates spinning, and live in the middle of nowhere…this is the first time someone has finally given me some suggestions that help. Maybe for the first time in a long time, I have a little hope again. Thank you.
Special word: Yes, people need hobbies, do Gym, do community service, have lots of friends who do community With You and do things like (dancing, playing piano, Zumba, Playing Chess, etc.) in where you can be exposed to more people. This was an awesome message by Mr. Hussey. June 10, 2023 USA.
I don’t know… starting to think that being in a couple is no longer a ‘prize’. Its something that can hold you back if you are successful and independent. So unless you really are starting from nothing and want to build with someone, it can be hard to find a reason to give up your freedom, money and independence… sad and wish it wasn’t true but seeing it all over.
Mine is definitely a toss between time and my self image. I've been leaving a not so good for me relationship since spring. It's finally done, done but for now... I'm recovering, I've gained weight, and I'm over working and I just don't feel like it. But, I'm starting to work out again, focusing on my inner happiness and regaining my self worth for now... it's good! I feel good about just being single for now....
Spot on. I haven't seen your videos since such a long time. Watched this video by chance and it totally resonates with me. Another point I would add is that a person might not relate to the mainstream culture or might not find the general people mentally/physically attractive. Like please, throw me into a house party of healed people, who are well traveled and are reasonably attractive, I would be grateful since that's my cup of tea. I like the fact that you brought in economics factors. I have seen it many times, one's socioeconomic standing does impact their dating attractiveness/success, and this gets complicated. Another factor, I would throw in is -- racism. People naturally have preferences and can also judge people based on their backgrounds. We tend to go where the jobs/money is, but also do try to live in places with the right -- age -- demographics for you where you related to the general values of that place.
Wow. I started following you 3 years ago when I got out of a super long relationship. I liked your content, but I wasn’t in a good place for dating so I unfollowed you as all the dating talk made me just unhappy. I am now in a great place in my life, although still single. And I accidentally stumbled upon your videos again. Wow! You really levelled up. I’m impressed. Good job, Matthew! I don’t generally feel like I need dating advice because I’m good at flirting and have things going on for me, but your content is really good and goes beyond “build self esteem and confidence”. Really nice. Keep doing the good work.
As an autistic I don't question why I am single. I have the social skills of a rock! LMAO! I have always known the importance of community, but what I am learning as someone who is autistic, and has ADHD is that I need communities that understand me. The people around me in my communities need to understand that I don't make eye contact. That my normal answer to how is the weather? Is a science lesson. Not literally but I don't do small talk very well. Interestingly, there was a study done in the UK that tested communication between Neurotypical people and Neurodivergent people and the outcome was amazing. Remember the childhood game of telephone and the last person had a different answer from the first person? What the researchers found was if they sorted people by neurotypical and neurodivergent into separate rooms, and then had them play games of telephone. The message would go around each circle perfectly and there was no breakdown in communication. In other words, neurotypicals speak a different language from neurodivergent people. Therefore, it is important to find the right kind of community. Yes, it is obviously necessary for me to find a community that is incredibly nerdy/geeky. For me it is important that a man at least be able to keep up with me and track me when I am nerding out over the latest scientific discovery, or think it is cute that I want to paint Einsteins Theory of Relativity on my ceiling just for the fun of it. What I also want to bring up here if you are like me autistic/neurodivergent neither you nor I need to learn to speak neurotypical. We don't need to learn to mask more just to get a man. Let's be real, do you want to get married to someone that you must mask and pretend to be normal all the time. That is why it is so important to circle in the right circles/communities. I also want to mention that over 50% of adult autistics are undiagnosed. So, if you are struggling badly in social situations and meeting people. If you grew up feeling like you might be an alien, then you might be one of us and not Neurotypical. Another clue is you have been put on 7-8 different psych drugs and none of them work. There are online assessments that can tell you if you might be neurodivergent which could be ADHD, autistic, and other brained differences. They are not a way to diagnose yourself they are a way to figure out if you might need to see a professional. Because if you are trying to meet someone and you don't even speak their language that might be a sixth reason to add to this list.
So if you're not willing to learn neurotypical language, how does one expect neurotypical people to learn neurodivergent? I have adhd but I'm not on the spectrum. My ex fiance had aspergers. Communication is a struggle. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him.
@@Tambrose0405 First of all ADHD is neurodivergent. Second there is a difference between trying to better understand someone and expecting them to act like you. Most neurotypicals demand masking from neurodivergent people. Not all of them, but most do. I am not saying there can't be a meeting in the middle but most of the time it is one person demanding the other conform to their standards. Although you are ADHD/neurodivergent it is easier for you to communicate with NTs. You're not being asked to look people in the eyes when it is not healthy for you to do so. Asperger's isn't a term that is used. ASP's can be a bit harder to understand depending on their support needs and if they are getting therapy as part of the support needs. The thing is, there are certain things that can help you navigate your world as an ADHDer just as there are things to help him with just ASP or me with ADHD and ASP. Think of it this way, if a neurotypical was asked to never look anyone in the eyes and only focus on one thing at a time with absolute focus and no distractions, and had to communicate as someone with ASP, they would go home from every encounter they had completely exhausted. Yet, every day that I go to work I am asked to behave like neurotypicals even though ASPs often make better employees and can get more done than NTs because we don't socialize and our extreme focus on our job. When you go to work you are expected to act NT also with demands that you never get distracted and manage time as a NT would. It isn't about not learning about communication styles it is about being forced too not be ourselves.
You hit the nail on the head! This is one if your best video's..the part about building community really resonated with me. I am that person with friends but no community and I've been struggling with this for a while. Thank you for verbalizing the need for this! Feeling inspired :)
I think maybe, at my age, dating's not a top priority any more. I came to this very pretty town on the edge of the Great Southern Ocean at the urging of someone who said they wanted to be my life partner. They left; I stayed, having been more charmed by the ocean. I still am. And I remind myself I've had lots of relationships. I have communities all right, and friends, and a friend who would be more than, if I wanted, which I do not. But maybe, one day ... I might want someone enough. I haven't ruled it out, so I'm still here.
@@juliafisher5844 Yes! When I first saw this place, and the sea, it was such a deep blue, I thought it must be a blue wall I was looking at - then I realised that, no, it was actual water, not a painted backdrop!
Yes to have friends, but I don’t truly feel the trust in my community. And I don’t feel like I naturally fit into it.. I’m not very proud of myself right now.. and I’m a bit tired from this past year. It’s been a doozy! Thank you, Matt! Love your new book ‘ Love Life’ btw!
Because most of the time I love it! The only time I meet interesting guys is abroad and I need a guy who can appreciate my need for solitude during the day that I need to recharge (I am an introvert who works in various communication spheres and is considered a great communicator, haha!). Apart from travelling alone and sharing love and passion, both mutual and for other things, I don't mind it that much.
Omg! No.5 really resonates matthew.. i started to work on it in 2022 and plan to continue making energy and time for myself.. hopefully it's going to come to fruition in 2023.. happy new year everyone!
I have communities as I'm very civically active but unfortunately mine are filled with wonderful, emotionally available, mature men...who being so high value and also in their 40s are already devoted fathers and husbands. I tried a singles group and interests groups (writing, hiking, humanists) and while I did meet cool people and make more friends these groups were very clique-y and/or full of couples or much older singles. I'm not trying to make excuses here, just pointing out that the search for a tribe can be also exhausting and feel hopeless after a while. I'm actually finding I'm beginning to have isolationist tendencies that concern me a bit as, although I've always needed some days to myself to recharge, for the most part I'm pretty gregarious and love people. But there is a heavy hopelessness beginning to take hold.
Why I'm still single, I no longer have it in me anymore after 2 divorces and failed relationships in between. I'm focusing on my healing and my dreams. I'm done with having relationships were I end hurt & broken!
My husband and I been separated 2 yrs, for financial reasons we will be living together separated under one roof! We have agreed to be friends with no benefits but if a spark happens then great, if not we won't be enemies! Share two awesome kids
I live in a big city and I am a very social person. I have my community (I dance salsa, so we go to all these events and meet new people all the time. Apart from that I do crossfit and I meet new peolple there as well), if I am invited to some place by people I don't know very well, I do it. Despite all that, I am still single, and without being cocky or anything I consider myself a catch. I find that most guys nowadays don't want to commit, and the guys who just want to hook up don't even know how to ask for it (forgive me, but I don't think a flaming emoji is good enough). My best friend moved to a big city to find love, and after his hopes were crushed, he moved back to his home town. Surely these advices apply to some people and are very true, I just think it's hard to find someone you can have something good and healthy with. But yeah, I agree that the more you focus on it, the further it goes away from you...
His advice is way too generic and simplistic and sorry but if someone loves leaving in the middle of nowhere he or she is probably hoping to find someone who thinks alike and is looking for the same thing. I just don't buy Matthew's approach
I have communities and still struggle, but I think being 35 and most of the single people I meet are under 28 (which I’m open to but limits the possibility of a connection). I work from home but do try my best to get out every day (gym, social events, etc). We have recently been told we are going back to the office, and after watching this, maybe that’s a good thing!
This all makes sense and is great advice! I was nodding my head yes the whole time, youve nailed it on the head. Definitely, some things for me to think about and work on :-)
One of my favorite videos so far. Definitely 1, 2, sometimes 4 and 1000% #5. How do you counsel people who have chronic fatigue or limited energy due to burnout? Not so much in terms of time/physical energy, but emotional energy: it's hard to believe someone will want to be with someone who is frequently tired.
I understand what you mean, I feel this sometimes. Personally, I think it is the lack of community too and the right company to elevate and energise me x
I think you will meet your connection when you least expect it. I am just enjoying life and less drama games with guys. Meet up groups have help me. I have been working with things with my life. Thanks Matt for all your help, keep it up, I have grown and changing daily. 😊👍
I am single because I choose to be. My friendships are great, emotional connects... When I see them with their partners (bf, gf, husband, wife) I don't see one indeed content n overjoyed .... not just my past wisdom but being the agony aunt of these coupled friends makes me feel I'm.so much better off .... Times can be altering in matters of careers, finances, health, family but these I can face head on however I'm not forcibly bringing in any where my one days pleasure equals to 10 days sorrow/confusion/unreliability ..... Thank you better off single !!
5 reason : 1.if you know the truth ,you know your destiny. (If youhave that gift of celibacy, less effort but great result.) 2.knowing that loving yourself is enough. 3.You are still on the process of waiting on someone which you hope for,( they will never hurt you) 4.You are compassion to God and passion for people. No time of commitment but for the welfare of people. 5.Sacrifice and commitment to yourself.Integrity.in your word that you will stay single .
Thank you for this video. You speak with a clarity and understanding of the broader picture, and empathy and compassion for those who are experiencing loneliness in their lives.
I moved from small town Iowa to Las Vegas for this reason (and others) and I haven’t found anyone yet but it’s sooooooo much easier to meet someone in a bigger city than a small town
I have lots of friends communities but mostly are families with children . I don’t work from home and actually meet many people through work. I have a pleasant characters, nice looking and good energy to be around. I am 47 with a son and have been single for 6 years. (Many people think I am sister of my son as I look much younger than my age) I am still waiting for a miracle to happen and someone right will come into my life.
Thank you for making this video. I relate to this so much. His first example is spot on. A friend of mine liked beer and running, so he joined a run club that met at a brewery. Fast forward five years and he's now married to a girl he met through that run club!
Another overlooked reason is aromanticism. Some people just don't feel any romantic attraction towards others. It isn't talked about a lot, but it's worth knowing about.
Hi Matthew , I can relate to all your reasons, I think I need to focus on finding more communities and time-energy to be able to meet people. Just to validate your second reason: I met one of my exes, with whom I stayed 3 years in a tram ;-) , so going out can help , even on a way to go see friends which was my case ! thank you Matthew !!
No. 1. Damn it, Matthew! Why didn't you tell us that at the retreat in Florida six years ago?! 😂 I could have built and joined communities like a boss since 2016. Please design a programme on community building.
Also, that last pointer of not having enough time really hit home for me! It's easy for me to think that instead of making more time, I just need to make a change and up my responsibilities, but to simplify my responsibilities is something that's not easy for me to do.... There's a part of me that just enjoys being busy because it allows me to be more productive and not get lazy. This is something that perhaps I need to work on balancing out in the next chapter of my future.
In our parents and grandparents time before the technology took over . They went out on dances every weekend cinema theatre their social life was the real deal and they had no problem in succeeding getting most of the time lifetime partners. They were far happier than what we have to do to find love. A broken Community is a broken communication. You have to put in the effort if u want it.
I'm laughing because I tick the first 4 categories. Great insights, I really like the suggestion of taking myself for a date. For me I'm making 2023 a year of self care, that right now is my priority.
This is an amazing video, I felt it was really talking about me. In general, I feel that when you are single, and going on dates, there are long periods when you are alone, and recently I feel that you should be okay with these periods as well, and be happy with yourself, strengthen your self-confidence. I would be happy if you made more videos about the time when we are alone (the time after getting over a breakup, when we really have no one in our hearts, and no one in sight), I feel it is important to know how to be happy alone, and to take a break from dating to gather strength.
To give stability to my son. Ive watched so many friends and family that have had multiple relationships and marriages, where a new man comes into their kids' lives and then moves on, and then another and another. I dont believe thats healthy for a child's safety and emotional development. (been a witness to instability and ramifications in childrens lives as a social worker) Im very social and am involved in activities outside the home (work from home too). Yearning to join in more activities in the future. Fantastic video clip.
Gotta be open to change and quit slinking around in baggy comfy sweats, avoiding eye contact when getting my morning coffee lol! Doing what it takes to feel good about myself -and to be proud, that hit home.
the time and energy really hits home. I am up at 230 in the morning to get ready for work. I drive 175 miles one way to work and then work a 10.5 hour shift and then 175 miles home. Yep I am tired. Then I come home and take care of horses. So during the week, I really have nothing left to give. I get it.
What if I despise interacting with people? What if I feel inadequate in a big social setting? My daytime job forces me to act like I like people. And my online job is fantastic but I don't really like going out to hang out with people who are awkwardly geek like me. I live in a big city and I really don't like the idiosyncrasy (All reggaetoneros) I can "pretend" to have fun and enjoy myself but I'm really dying inside and want to go home.
And even if you are doing everything right, it's juste rare to find a good fit nowadays. Decent people are often taken, singles have their unsolved issues... I have been trying to date out of the apps in the past few years, I just found unavailable, avoidant people. Cute grils are spoiled for choices and you are never good enough. Many people have serious mental health issues or very bad mentality... Good luck to all the singles out there! Keep strong 💪
1) you have friends but no communities in real life. Antidote is say yes to new connections and do things you’re interested in within a community
2) you work from home - you have to be very intentional about getting out there - go to the grocery store with your hair looking great, linger in the fruit section and look in people’s eyes!!!😊
3) you live in the middle of nowhere.
4) not proud of yourself
5) You are tired and don’t have the energy. You need energy to create time and opportunities. Yep🎉
So true about working at home , I make sure to get out daily and interact. Makes a difference
1) If you’re overweight, get lean. Men are VISUAL CREATURES. We cannot envision you 50 pounds lighter 😂
2) SMILE more, guys are wussies. We will not approach if you look like you’ll shame us.
3) DO NOT DRESS SEXY. I know this sounds crazy, but you’ll attract men who only want casual encounters if you dress sexy.
4) Say HELLO FIRST. Make eye contact, smile, break the ice without being “flirty”. In case he’s taken, you won’t get “rejected”, since you’re just making small talk.
Best of luck girls, good men are everywhere. Make the effort and you’ll find him!
PS: Stay away from dating apps, guys are not looking for relationships there. Only 1 nite stands.
❤
1 and 5 😅😅😅😅
@@sfrealestatedealmaker6001guys can also start with buying a face cream and getting a hair transplants - we can’t envision you without the hairline cooking in the kitchen instead of being with us in the bedroom
Definitely a combination of community and energy. These past couple years hit me so hard in my energy and desire to deal with dating. I mentally don't have the energy to deal with the mind games people play when dating. I don't find it fun or enjoyable. So online has been hard and lack of community means no exposure to new people.
so date in your friendzone, if youre fit friendly an feminine im sure that scarcity is just you yourself being much to picky. most men dont play games, only the men you like, so you need to work on yourself.
The best way to meet people is organically through a social network. Joining local singles activities, clubs and organizations, taking classes, church if you're religious. Anyone you may know can arrange fix ups.
@@ray076NL actually most of my friends that are male are already attached (and I don't poach ) or are gay. The ones I try and date only want a hook up and nothing serious. And to an extent I am a bit picky but I feel it's more a standards thing than being picky. I'd rather stay single than in a relationship miserable because I settled.
@@blacktorch17
Agree standards and boundaries are essential. Quality over quantity.
Well, guessing youre not 20 anymore you dont have many options left. are you fit feminine and friendly? You overvalue yourself. Seeing your response you're still going for the exciting top 10% one night stand guy who will never settle for you so your idea of what the 80% of men want is scewed towards the badboy type. Most men just want a peaceful cooperative relationship. Other women were much smarter than you and took the best men of the market as soon as they could. You're not settling for any man, the man is settling for YOU and you're just not happy with the choices you have left at your leftover stage in life.
My-mind-is-BLOWN! I've never thought about the difference between having friendships and communities. Holy cow, that's a fantastic observation. Hat's off to you, Matt.
Meeting people isn't the problem, it's keeping them
Right like I meet lots of people and then what? Nothing happens after it’s just meet and greet.
I have started to tone down online dating and meet people much more. This is a precious change. Meeting after talking online bears too much pressure. But if you simply meet the person at first, the initial step has already past
Thankyou for the share Matt, I greatly appreciate it, yes..I want to change my singleness, time for myself... it's important,I am important...my happiness is important...
Thankyou for the share Matt, I greatly appreciate it, yes..I want to change my singleness, time for myself... it's important,I am important...my happiness is important...
Meeting organically is easier and the best way. There is no unicorn or perfect person.
Reason #6, I'm no longer settling. Having done the healing work, gone to therapy, I see unhealed/damaged people everywhere, and I am such an advocate for everyone and anyone doing therapy, but when a lot of people deny that they need any help, it starts to affect every relationship they get into. The pool of healthy, healed men is so small, it limits my options.
Look for ones who are going through therapy
@Cultureal not just that, but the ones putting in the work. I dated someone going to therapy but wasn't doing the work to get better. He more just used it as an ego boost and learned how to be a better manipulator.
@@cultureal9544 for whatever reason, too many men don’t even know they need it and never learn how to identify and navigate their own feelings. What happens instead is we (women, historically) continue to coddle their men and make excuses for their lack of emotional maturity. Too many women are tired of that and prefer to be alone.
@@Rocanala PREACH!!!👏👏
Amen!
Dating has changed. The days of “I would never treat someone that way” are over. So many people look at others as disposable benchwarmers until what they really want shows up. Caveat: What they want…doesn’t want them hence not having that person. Single is less disappointing , sadly
Yet those relationships with 'benchwarmers' are the rehearsals for one with Mr or Miss Right. How you treat them will affect future relationships. Treat them right & you will find better people or they might become the right person. Don't treat them right & you get a bad reputation so people will avoid you.
Dating changed big time when online dating started so long ago yes.
@@lydiam9323 Years ago online dating was considered only for those who couldn't get dates in real life but more of us started meeting each other through the internet even if it was just casual forum meet ups at first & then finding love through that. Then dating apps started.
Only if you are an idiot you don't notice you are treated like a benchwarmer
True...ppl have became less tolerent.
I'm 65 and haven't given up on love. After a failed relationship, I take stock, realize what part I played in the end of it, see what I've learned as a result, and eventually get back in the saddle again and go back on the online dating site I've known for years. I've been on 4 dates so far and yes it can get old, but I'm meeting people and the last date was last night and there has been a mutual attraction there so........while not getting my hopes up too high, there still is hope and I'm not giving up. Life is good and I am content.
Bravo!! Good for you!
@@majrminer Assume and you make an ass of yourself...........I've paid for all the first dates with men and then alternate from then on if there's more than one. Ass.
Hahahahah 😆 "What part I played in the END of it" LMFAO
@@spajas8092 why you care so much about 'women'? Get your own life and shit together!
I think am with you in the same game .
You are 100% right. I mostly feel good and open to the world, and easily make connections with others. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I need to make structural changes: I’m an international flight attendant and am gone for days at a time. When I get home, jet lag and fatigue keep me inside. I’m getting ready to switch to USA flights only, where I come home to my own home each night. Men are somewhat intrigued by flight attendants, but not when they realize the woman is actually traveling for half the month! I’m also planning a move to a larger city by next summer. One of my criteria is choosing a city where I can find community! Your video solidifies for me that the changes I’m planning can be the catalysts I need to make space in my life for love. Thank you!
1) Community is so underrated and very important. Good point.
2) WFH = self isolation and the inertia to get out is real. Good point.
3) Living in the middle of nowhere ... I'm not too sure about this one.
4) We're not taking pride in ourselves. Good point
5) I'm too freaking tired and don't have the time or energy. Good point.
I literally live in the middle of nowhere it's so relatable and i can assure it's true
I would say that point 3 is the most obvious: if you live in a cabin in the woods, it’s only in the Xmas movies that a beautiful stranger will knock on the door 😅😂
It's incredible but absolutely everything you say happens to me. And yet, I have thought for a long time that I was single only because of me. Thank you for talking about this and taking away so much guilt!
I agree wih you...I too thought the same.
I think one of the reasons, which is missing from this list, is - not knowing who you are and what you want. So many people seek out for wrong people and dont use “filters” to find the person they actually enjoy. Too many people have “types” and dont even give a chance to someone, who may not be their ideal
💯👍
As someone who has never had the opportunity to grow due to being stuck at home working overnights doesn't allow me to have a social life and know what I want
Amazing content. Nice to see a non- toxic love advice, compassionate, and such that applies to everyone regardless of their gender. Keep doing it, you are doing it well.
Yes, it's one of the few dating advice platform that actually makes you feel better about the world :)
#6 Because life without boyfriend also one of the most simple, tranquil and enjoyable life that I've known by far. It's difficult to trade your already simply great life and add new complexities just for the sake of not being alone while actually you enjoy that singlehood life. A lot. Maybe some people just not fit with "in a relationship" circumstances. Maybe..
Like absolutely no one 'accidentally' spills stuff everywhere or breaks my nice things now 🕯️ so peaceful
My partner and I independent people he passed away now I love my dog bemused by the subject of mortality but frankly not missing things -- they meant a lot but I'm naturally rather self contained so get your drift entirely.
I know what you mean. My husband and I were both like that and happy to be single. We were only willing to trade that in for someone really special. Turns out, we are both not very social and love to be alone, yet we can spend hours and hours with each other and we never get tired of each other. He is a very special one indeed - if he wasn't, I'd still be single.😉 And now my life is so much better, I would never have thought that possible.
💯
I get what you mean, I think the video is meant to be directed to those who are intently looking for a partner but haven't achieved it.
Wow! You absolutely nailed it. A necessary call out on so many levels. I feel a refreshed call to action on things that are absolutely within my own control. Bravo, Matthew!
Relationships were not a priority in my twenties, personal goals were on top of the list making dating nonexisiting. After completing after 30's now the struggle is real
I'm the exact same, now 40 and it seems so much more difficult now
Oh no im 28 ..still romantic department isn’t a priority .. how do i change this?!? Im the type of person who cannot instantly like a guy. I get ask out a lot i just dont feel any attraction towards them 😔
For women this is a hard reality of the modern times and the culture that the feminist movements sparked. Putting career goals first, dating casually, sleeping around, competing against men, and becoming an ‘independent woman’ creates an almost unnatural biological drive which pushes out marriage until later in life, and in most instances creates an unnatural competition of women against men for a competitive advantage. And in many cases, it seems to breed a competitive toxicity between genders, or a ‘game’ when it comes to the courtship process. I’m pretty sure the courtship processes of our past generations were much more natural and romantic than the swipe-right generations of today, who have the ‘illusion’ of choice.
Women putting off settling down well into their 30s are going to have very few quality options of men. Most good men will be taken, have plenty of options, or looking for someone more youthful and fertile for building their own family. Then, of the majority there will be men who are divorced, aren’t husband material, or not looking for a relationship. And, when it comes to younger inexperienced men, they aren’t generally going after cougars, not for anything long term. Women who have crossed into their 30s are at a serious disadvantage and need to be on their best behavior and present the best version of themselves they can possibly be if they are expecting to compete and have good options to choose from.
Unfortunately, narcissism often enters the fold with all the validation of the swipe right era. Women act any way they please and still get attention from external sources. Many guys put up with bad or toxic behavior (for a little while at least), instead of holding high standards and holding women accountable for toxic and bad behavior. Therefore, there is a culture of women who think they can be some variation of a ‘bad bitch’ and they can just keep swiping, with an ‘illusion’ of choice, perpetuating a sense of being rewarded for bad behavior. The majority of women, when they hit their 30s and 40s and want to settle down, they are already in a self-sabotage cycle and start blaming men for their problems, with zero accountability.
The fit, friendly, feminine woman who brings peace to a man is increasingly rare in the digital age.
The same goes for many men suffeting from variations of toxic masculinity in the digital age, in many regards, but the biological clock is something that can’t be ignored for women..
By 35, a woman should have had plenty of ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ time to be mentally fit and know what makes for a good wife and to attract good men. Not to mention enough time for that well-established great career. That is, if they aren’t in therapy and damaged goods at this stage. But, even if so, they’ve convinced themselves that they are an independent version of themselves, that should be accepted and worthy for however the present themselves, deserves nothing but the best with little merit to back up that claim, and that needs no man.
Whereas, pursuing and putting a priority on attracting high quality men through virtue and high moral values (suitors for marriage) with the potential for having babies earlier in life is an advantage to doing the exact opposite. The career goals can come later with the support of a husband and perhaps when the kids enter school age. This is the ideal timeline for overall success on family ‘and’ career goals, paired. Disrupting a career with marriage and newborns at the age of 35 isn’t advantageous, can be rather stressful, detrimental, risky, and many times can be career ending, all of which can impact a marriage. Many women wish to party, travel, ‘live it up’, and experience freedom in their 20s, but none of that prepares them to be a wife, and by the time the 30s come around, they’re a decade behind in that regard and struggling to catch up, now finding themselves in panic mode while scrambling to figure out what it means to be wife material.
Starting in the 30s through the 40s and beyond, women lose their youthfulness, desirability, fertility, and innocence. The biological clock starts ticking, options are drying up, the smell of desperation fills the air, and the vast choices of good men are gone. Suddenly, all that time spent being free, traveling, and becoming an independent woman doesn’t mean much when they’re trying to find someone wanting to settle down with them, or trying to lock someone down for babies. And frankly, now it’s seems more like they are ‘settling’ for a lifestyle that doesn’t seem as exciting as what they’ve already experienced. But, the biological urge and desire for motherhood, companionship, love, and family is almost inevitable. It’s unfortunate, but women just don’t have many good options passed the age of 30.
However, if a young lady has been schooled on how to be attractive to men and educated on what makes for a good wife, and what to look for in a husband, a woman in her 20s can have almost an unlimited choice to whomever they want to attract, of any age. It’s pretty simple, too, by being the kind of woman who makes for a good wife and mother. And, by being fit, friendly, feminine, supportive, and peaceful. It’s surprising how rare those types are these days.
It seems like an independent woman who spent her 20s and 30s focused on building a well-established career or business would be more attractive in her mid-30s to 40s, but it’s actually the opposite in most instances. Many times it doesn’t pan out as expected, they need a partner to help with their business, a lot of (family building) time wasted in their youth, a bunch of casual dating was experienced, a loss of pair bonding has resulted, perhaps a pregnancy or 2, they’re too busy and stressed to be focused on courtship, and they’ve lost their youthfulness. And, in most cases, if the woman is truly successful and independent, they will not be happy as the provider or support system for a man who can’t meet her at that level. Therefore, she must look for the top 2% (who are mostly spoken for, extremely rare, and have an abundance of options). Whereas, a good quality man in his 30s to 50s who spent his 20s and 30s building a career, and is established with assets and/or resources can be an excellent provider and support system to any woman in their 20s and beyond. They may in fact wish to marry down, and find someone extremely humble, easy going, meek, and low maintainence. They have an abundance of choice to provide for whomever is willing to build with them a happy home, family, and possibly support their wife in the pursuit of a career or building a family business. These good men are willing to wait for the one who captures their heart, or just continue solo. Whereas, a woman who wasted their youth may be have to ‘settle’ by the age of 35, if she needs a support system and wants a family.
Culturally, we have lost the foundation of teaching males how to be good husbands and females how to be good wives. It’s all about the free spirit, accept people how they are (not as the best version of themselves they can possibly be), instant gratification, politics and attacks on the patriarchy, with no strong foundational direction or purpose towards building family.
It’s no easy feat to find someone who fits the mold these days, dates with intent, has a clear direction or purpose, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.
All we can do is move forward, do our best, and try to make a difference for our future generations.
@@joesandstrom4111 wow, thanks so much for feeling the need to enlighten us women as to exactly where we've gone wrong in life. I feel this reply completely unnecessary and unhelpful, and am unsure why you decided to write such a chauvinistic essay in response to this comment.
Perpetuating ideas that women lose their beauty and appeal after a certain age, thus having no worth to men, is disgraceful. You claim women have "wasted their youth" before age 35? But men haven't?
Long gone are the days where women's main priorities in life are to become wives and mothers. Perhaps it's time you let go of these outdated ideals, and start living the reality of the present time.
@@aliciacorazzol1812
Look, I can’t help that you feel offended by facts. Or, that you mis-label others for presenting the facts. You mentioned it being harder, and I’m in agreement, with facts to back it up. It’s not to devalue anyone, it’s to provide clarity and transparency to hopefully help some people navigate modern day problems.
For women to be attractive, regardless of age, they need to level up. And older women should be operating at the highest levels if they want some options. For older women still frustrated with dating, they need to pick better men, operate better and more feminine, and more like a wife than their younger and more attractive counterparts. Operating from a more feminine nature presents better and more options, which leads to longer lasting and healthier partnerships.
I’m not hear to author a chauvinistic essay, as you so arrogantly framed it. Maybe with an open mind things can be seen from a different perspective. And, to realize this isn’t chauvinism, but more highlighting a serious and detrimental cultural trend that has been on the rise, resulting in much less happier, healthy and satisfied generational relations.
Perhaps it’s your own misandry, and denial, that mocks me for presenting reality. I can’t help that the reality of biology and biological choice is offensive to you, that you find biology, science and historical data to be ‘chauvinistic’, find it personally degrading, and that you don’t like to be presented with it. However, for some it may actually help and be a wake up call for change that they need. Perhaps before it’s too late.
You will find countless women (and men) who agree 100% with these views. Countless women who speak for and against the very things I’ve pointed out. Countless women who are trying to warn youth not to fall into the career priority traps they have, who waited until their mid-30s to try and settle down, found no success in their career paths, finally want children before it’s too late, (if they aren’t already a single mother), have little means to support them, can no longer attract men, and have lost their ability to bare children.
If what I’ve mentioned has no merit, then why are so many women trying to also speak their own truth? Yet, so many remain in denial about the reality of what happens when you wait too long, and lash out anyone who challenges the status quo for a return to what traditionally has worked. You seem to blame traditional thinking, yet fail to see the irony that things worked better in society as a whole with traditional cultural norms towards dating, courtship, and marriage. Abandoning those ideals, is just drowning oneself while getting in quicksand. But, by returning to solid ground and safe from the swamp, everyone wants to join you, and it becomes your choice. When it comes to dating, adhering to moral values give you the upper hand.
We are both in agreement that it gets much harder for women approaching their 40s. And, I’ve said it’s unfortunate. It’s not chauvinistic to say so.
Nor did I say older women are devalued, nor did I devalue any woman for their age. This isn’t about ageism, its about family, and fertility, it’s about moral character, biology, science, pro-creation, and what is most attractive to a mate. It’s about reality, not fantasyland.
There are plenty of older women who are high value and would be a great catch for the right guy! If the careers, the readiness, and everything line up perfect, this is wonderful. Two highly successful people starting a family in their 30s-40s as mature adults. What a blessing! But, starting to be marriage minded mid-30s for a female is tough! Especially if goals get de-railed.
More people should communicate these complexities to the youth, to help them navigate future plans. Your personal attack and trying to mock my freedom of my speech on the matter by the means of slander doesn’t help anyone. It’s just part of the problem.
If a woman gets married in her early 20s and it ends in a separation or due to the death of her spouse, she has time to try again for a second marriage and to have some kids. A woman in her mid-30s or 40s, the odds get much, much worse and children may be impossible.
The reality is that any man from the ages of 20-55 wanting to start a family with 2-3 offspring with someone in their mid 30s, it’s almost impossible. None of this is chauvinistic, or my fault, it’s biological fact. Sometimes people need a reality check and a reminder. I really don’t care if it offends you.
Men, who want offspring and a family, biologically will gravitate towards more fertile and youthful women for courtship. This is mostly on a subconscious level, but also enters conscious choice. Especially if they want, say 5 children. They will be seeking as many youthful prospects as possible to find one who wants the same out of life.
In general, older woman will naturally have a harder time competing with youthful, energetic, more fertile women. And, most good men will no longer be available. Older women can still find men to date, but finding ones who are in it for the right reasons and looking for a deep long-term commitment will be even rarer. Career priority has caused an imbalance and strain in both familial and relational systems.
Society pushes the career narrative, and has abandoned the family narrative. Society pushes the promiscuity narrative and betrays the commitment narrative. Maybe more people should speak the truth, rather than being sold on the lies.
I’m not sure why you’re taking your anger out at me, or men in generally for this cultural problem. It’s just a generalized outline of reality. And by me speaking the truth, it shouldn’t be the cause for outrage. It’s time to wake up.
Just because your insight provided so little clarity, doesn’t mean that someone else’s insight may not be helpful or insightful to someone else, as there are many lost. Not everyone has the same view as you either. Some are traditional-minded, and some are young and want to build a loving family. Some want to have a supportive husband who is a provider, and be wives. Some are trying to figure out if they should focus on career first, or family first. Your words come across as if being a wife has a negative connotation. Yet, you can’t seem to fathom that it can be the most beautiful and rewarding experience any human can have. And that it might be in a young woman’s best interest to make it a priority. I’m so sorry for whatever experience put the idea of wife it in such a negative light.
And, regardless of ‘the times’, the number one biological urge of a human female (and a male) is pro-creation. That pro-creation comes along with building family, resources, protection, providing, support, nurturing, and love. Since the dawn of humans, this is inherent. It’s ancient, its timeless, it’s natural, it’s in our DNA. There are a lot of woman, more than not, who later in life regret not having kids and family after realizing it too late, never understanding what it is to be a good wife, struggling to survive, dying alone with their cats.
I’m not at all a surprised or offended by your passive aggressive response. It wasn’t wonderful, feminine, or divine insight, and it lacked logical thought. Rather, it does seem that you have taken my words rather personal, as if something hit home and it triggered you. No need to project your own misandry as misplaced chauvinism upon others, to cure some sort of narcissistic impulse. My comment was a generalization based upon logic and your response to it was an attack based on pure emotional toxicity. Being triggered and spiteful based on past trauma and reality has nothing to do with the facts about what men are ultimately attracted to, nor does it give any validity to your response. In fact, I don’t know what your point was. I guess it was something along the lines of: ‘f-you, times have changed, women don’t need good men, women don’t want to be wives, f-the children, and screw tradition.’ Feminism, basically. Anti-femininity. Just what any good man wants... not.
If you want to tell people what men are attracted to, and think you are the moral authority on it, go ahead, you have that right. It’s certainly not 35 year old WAP, and ‘Boss Bitches’. Perhaps that’s called lust, a fun carousel ride, or a ‘game’ to win.
And yes, some women do in fact waste their youth, there’s really no reason to be angry and attack others by that fact. You’re in denial if you don’t believe that.
In any case, perhaps you could ask your grandmother and/or mother what it is to be a good wife, and how to attract and keep a good quality man. Maybe they never taught you. Maybe they did. I do know, however. But, based on your response, it doesn’t sound like it matters anyway
If the secret to a man’s heart is to get a career first, blow off all the nice guys in the process, and wait until your mid-30s, I’d be surprised.
It would be something more along the lines of fit (body, spirit and mind), friendly, and feminine; as well as someone who brings peace. That’s what brings real value and is the type of woman who doesn’t stay on the market very long. Career means nothing if those characteristics are missing.
To be honest, your reaction to being presented with reality, your words, your implied interpretation of what a wife is to a man, and how you treat strangers seems rather toxic.
Sometimes the stranger that is mis-labelled is actually a good man, who is simply on the lookout for a good woman. And, perhaps that very person would also be a good father with good, loving guidance for a daughter. Food for thought, you never know who you’re trying to offend and slander, but maybe it’ll help in the future!
Sometimes the truth hurts.
Don’t blame the messenger.
Best of luck out there.
Hi Matthew, thanks for a great video, i can totally relate to 1, 2 and 4. I also think that complex trauma, ptsd etc can be a factor for people.
Newly divorced, working from home since the pandemic and taking care of sick relatives. I am actually resonnate a lot, I am going to be more proud open and conscious of my action into communities. Thank you soooooo much.
Hahaha... I am divorced too... Let's talk Fanie.... @CMartinSalomon
It's like happiness... It is not the end of the journey... Reaching a point for instance... It is the journey itself and the milestone you set though life...
You are soooo right ! I live in the middle of nowhere and only found love going out and doing community work 🙏🏻❤️✨🙏🏻
Time is crucial to have a flourishing relationship.
Tick Tock
Great advice! Especially the community. I have met someone because I joined a club and found a new community and was introduced to someone
Good luck stringfellow
Great video! Actual practical advice as opposed to “vibrate on a higher level” or “manifest the life you want”.
Because I choose singlehood. Duh. Having lots of Time for myself now! Wow! Loving Life!
Reason 1 i dont care anymore
SAME
For all the people saying that they don't care if their single. I call BS stop watching dating advice videos. .lol
@@rachelrobinson6558 jajajjajajajajja
Apathy is not a good answer. Being easily defeated is not attractive
Yep. That's it.
Yup. Get it. Well said, advised and tutored. Seven yrs aloneness (inc 2 with Covid restrictions) and keeping on keeping on, takes a toll. I passed landmark birthday this year. I'm still leaning into my own life (having leant into others). Everything Matthew says makes sense. Balance is key. Confidence everything. Elder years is different
More love bea❤
thank you! as a gay man, this was such a meaningful video that made sense and resonated with me. I really like the importance of being in communities vs just having friends or apps. and doing things that make me feel good about myself, giving myself enough time and energy to create opportunities, making TIME for my love life, and putting yourself in new pools. this was so affirming to me what I already suspected what I needed to do and so relatable !
I’ll have to watch again but I can say the one that hit me hardest is I’m simply tired. Yes I do rest but between work and other things that I put before me really causes me to hide and regroup on my days off. Yep a introvert here 😊 and I do need my time to decompress. You have inspired me to check out the small bookstore in my rural town to just get in a different atmosphere. Thanks for this video I needed it
You still single?
Cause really interested if you don't mind
You make good points but I think more broadly that this world has changed. People have wounded hearts and feel that responsibility of relationship isn’t worth the trouble
I'm a 20 year old man and currently engaged to the love of my life. I have known her since we were small children, and have been courting her for a few years now. I have never felt so good in all of my short life, and have never been happier than I am now.
Love does exist, and there is someone out there right now who is just like you and wants nothing more than to meet their life partner. The best advice I would give someone is to do the things you love doing, and in doing so you will meet someone who also loves doing them.
You nailed it! That advice on energy and time was so accurate it made me laugh and cry at the same time. Special thanks from a person healing from chronic fatigue 🙏
Who noticed the background changing because of sunset??
Great video Matt, I definitely agree
Thank you 🙏🏼🙏🏼
1. I work from home
2. I'm physically tired all the time lol
Me too... not sure how to not be tired..
@@HB-he2eh if I may advise as someone who would like you to have more energy I would try the following. Go to Dr. And explain and get a full blood panel. You might be deficient is something or have a health issue that can be treated. You might be low dopamine and thus low motivation and energy. A drug like zyban / wellbutrin can help and it has generally no sexual side effects. Infact it may increase libido. Next, ensure you get enough water, yes, water. Drink at atleast 500ml upon waking. 1 litre is better. 3 litres a day. Eat better foods and get sufficient protein. Reduce coffee / caffeine and do not drink upon waking. If you feel like crap until you get your first coffee you have a caffeine dependency and need to break it. I did this recently and dont need coffee to get going or stay awake anymore. I drink decafe. Sometimes i will have a coffee just after lunch if i didnt get a good sleep. Work out. At the least go to gym and do incline walking on treadmill at speed that is challenging. Is you bed comfortable? If none on that works maybe engage in a sleep study.
@Brandon Mills thank you, your timing is impeccable! Todsy for the first time in a long time I drank water first thing in the morning (vs coffee) and did a little work out and feel energized! After exercising, I feel amazing, after drinking water, I feel amazing, but when I sit and start to think I get exhausted easily. I chew on problems to try to find solutions, sometimes causing unnecessary stress. Many thanks for the ideas, encouragement and hope! (24 oz of water down, about 100 more to go! I think we get dehydrated easily) Cheers to the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you!!
Interesting reading your replies. I feel that way. Sometimes I feel I need to check the doctor in case I have something. Energy is truly everything. Somehow some people are naturally gifted in having higher energy and can accomplish more. hhhmmmm
@@HB-he2eh glad you were receptive to my advice and that it seems to help. Okay, about the fatigue when thinking or doing work that requires thinking, I have been there. So my advice is to slow down, start with a note book and a pen and write down the to do list and the steps to complete each. You need to break it down into smaller pieces and download it to paper so you don't have to store it in your head. This will reduce overwhelm and stress. Now the issue could be dopamine related. This might dissipate once a caffeine dependency is gone. Also, a digital detox could be beneficial. If not that then if you are prone to anxiety/ depression a medication like zyban or sertraline work on dopamine. Now the level beyond is the possibility of ADHD. This is the extreme end and is more then being easily distracted. It's a condition well beyond that, that has a real often negative impact on people's lives. People with ADHD often have extreme attention for things they like but really struggle with things they don't and just get fatigued.
Thank you for this! I relate to these reasons and the great thing about you, is you give us possible solutions, as we’re too busy FEELING what Is happening to us instead of THINKING why! Love you Matthew!
Hope you make the right choice because I think that's what we lack and still our standards many of us just go for his rich he can take care of me .
I resonate with all of these! I just moved to another country, studying and working full-time, but from home. It's been incredibly difficult. But appreciate you putting them into words.
Definitely reason number five…I’m too tired and my time is too precious to waste on people who just drain me of whatever little energy is left. Plus, reason number six, is that unless I meet a person who fulfills my needs and wants, and adds value to my life, then I’d rather be alone and peaceful.
I put up a wall. I am afraid to be vulnerable. I am afraid of rejection.
“There seems to be a human characteristic that likes to make simple things difficult “
I'm Susan from San Antonio Texas and I met you in 2015 at the Loews Coronado Bay Resort in San Diego at a conference you and your family were hosting. It was a great 5 day program. You are looking great by the way! I wish you and your family a Blessed and Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Susan from San Antonio
So true, if something is a priority or gives you energy you can always find time. And being ready to take opportunities when they present themselves is very important too. Too much effort to go out and it not being worth the hassle really hit home. You don't alway know if things are worth it but driving an hour and back just to be disappointed over and over quicky gets you unmotivated to waste your energy. And then it's easy to get in a negative spiral.
I kinda knew #1 is the main reason for not having an opportunity to meet new ppl. Thanks for this video and ur work!
As someone who will always have a lot of plates spinning, and live in the middle of nowhere…this is the first time someone has finally given me some suggestions that help. Maybe for the first time in a long time, I have a little hope again. Thank you.
this man really changed my life. Just listen to him and REALLY LISTEN. THEN ACT on what you learn from listening. He is the big brotheR i never had
Special word: Yes, people need hobbies, do Gym, do community service, have lots of friends who do community With You and do things like (dancing, playing piano, Zumba, Playing Chess, etc.) in where you can be exposed to more people. This was an awesome message by Mr. Hussey. June 10, 2023 USA.
I don’t know… starting to think that being in a couple is no longer a ‘prize’. Its something that can hold you back if you are successful and independent. So unless you really are starting from nothing and want to build with someone, it can be hard
to find a reason to give up your freedom, money and independence… sad and wish it wasn’t true but seeing it all over.
I definitely need to be more consistent about doing things that make me feel proud of myself.
The first two resonate, especially community. Very true. I have numerous friends but no community. Makes sense.
Community and energy is my main take away.
Mine is definitely a toss between time and my self image. I've been leaving a not so good for me relationship since spring. It's finally done, done but for now... I'm recovering, I've gained weight, and I'm over working and I just don't feel like it. But, I'm starting to work out again, focusing on my inner happiness and regaining my self worth for now... it's good! I feel good about just being single for now....
Fully focused on my dream, goal and job ....❤
Spot on. I haven't seen your videos since such a long time. Watched this video by chance and it totally resonates with me. Another point I would add is that a person might not relate to the mainstream culture or might not find the general people mentally/physically attractive. Like please, throw me into a house party of healed people, who are well traveled and are reasonably attractive, I would be grateful since that's my cup of tea. I like the fact that you brought in economics factors. I have seen it many times, one's socioeconomic standing does impact their dating attractiveness/success, and this gets complicated. Another factor, I would throw in is -- racism. People naturally have preferences and can also judge people based on their backgrounds. We tend to go where the jobs/money is, but also do try to live in places with the right -- age -- demographics for you where you related to the general values of that place.
Wow. I started following you 3 years ago when I got out of a super long relationship. I liked your content, but I wasn’t in a good place for dating so I unfollowed you as all the dating talk made me just unhappy. I am now in a great place in my life, although still single. And I accidentally stumbled upon your videos again. Wow! You really levelled up. I’m impressed. Good job, Matthew! I don’t generally feel like I need dating advice because I’m good at flirting and have things going on for me, but your content is really good and goes beyond “build self esteem and confidence”. Really nice. Keep doing the good work.
As an autistic I don't question why I am single. I have the social skills of a rock! LMAO! I have always known the importance of community, but what I am learning as someone who is autistic, and has ADHD is that I need communities that understand me. The people around me in my communities need to understand that I don't make eye contact. That my normal answer to how is the weather? Is a science lesson. Not literally but I don't do small talk very well. Interestingly, there was a study done in the UK that tested communication between Neurotypical people and Neurodivergent people and the outcome was amazing. Remember the childhood game of telephone and the last person had a different answer from the first person? What the researchers found was if they sorted people by neurotypical and neurodivergent into separate rooms, and then had them play games of telephone. The message would go around each circle perfectly and there was no breakdown in communication. In other words, neurotypicals speak a different language from neurodivergent people. Therefore, it is important to find the right kind of community. Yes, it is obviously necessary for me to find a community that is incredibly nerdy/geeky. For me it is important that a man at least be able to keep up with me and track me when I am nerding out over the latest scientific discovery, or think it is cute that I want to paint Einsteins Theory of Relativity on my ceiling just for the fun of it.
What I also want to bring up here if you are like me autistic/neurodivergent neither you nor I need to learn to speak neurotypical. We don't need to learn to mask more just to get a man. Let's be real, do you want to get married to someone that you must mask and pretend to be normal all the time. That is why it is so important to circle in the right circles/communities. I also want to mention that over 50% of adult autistics are undiagnosed. So, if you are struggling badly in social situations and meeting people. If you grew up feeling like you might be an alien, then you might be one of us and not Neurotypical. Another clue is you have been put on 7-8 different psych drugs and none of them work. There are online assessments that can tell you if you might be neurodivergent which could be ADHD, autistic, and other brained differences. They are not a way to diagnose yourself they are a way to figure out if you might need to see a professional. Because if you are trying to meet someone and you don't even speak their language that might be a sixth reason to add to this list.
So if you're not willing to learn neurotypical language, how does one expect neurotypical people to learn neurodivergent? I have adhd but I'm not on the spectrum. My ex fiance had aspergers. Communication is a struggle. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him.
@@Tambrose0405 First of all ADHD is neurodivergent. Second there is a difference between trying to better understand someone and expecting them to act like you. Most neurotypicals demand masking from neurodivergent people. Not all of them, but most do. I am not saying there can't be a meeting in the middle but most of the time it is one person demanding the other conform to their standards. Although you are ADHD/neurodivergent it is easier for you to communicate with NTs. You're not being asked to look people in the eyes when it is not healthy for you to do so. Asperger's isn't a term that is used. ASP's can be a bit harder to understand depending on their support needs and if they are getting therapy as part of the support needs. The thing is, there are certain things that can help you navigate your world as an ADHDer just as there are things to help him with just ASP or me with ADHD and ASP. Think of it this way, if a neurotypical was asked to never look anyone in the eyes and only focus on one thing at a time with absolute focus and no distractions, and had to communicate as someone with ASP, they would go home from every encounter they had completely exhausted. Yet, every day that I go to work I am asked to behave like neurotypicals even though ASPs often make better employees and can get more done than NTs because we don't socialize and our extreme focus on our job. When you go to work you are expected to act NT also with demands that you never get distracted and manage time as a NT would. It isn't about not learning about communication styles it is about being forced too not be ourselves.
@@RiverWoods111 hey, could you explain why look in the eyes causes discomfort to you? How it is?
You hit the nail on the head! This is one if your best video's..the part about building community really resonated with me. I am that person with friends but no community and I've been struggling with this for a while. Thank you for verbalizing the need for this! Feeling inspired :)
Universal advice. No gender, location, culture, or age. And it's really good. Probably the best one I've seen.
Just wanted to say thank you I’m always tired and I just think people aren’t just interested in me
I think maybe, at my age, dating's not a top priority any more. I came to this very pretty town on the edge of the Great Southern Ocean at the urging of someone who said they wanted to be my life partner. They left; I stayed, having been more charmed by the ocean. I still am. And I remind myself I've had lots of relationships. I have communities all right, and friends, and a friend who would be more than, if I wanted, which I do not. But maybe, one day ... I might want someone enough. I haven't ruled it out, so I'm still here.
Sounds fantastic 👌
@@juliafisher5844 Yes! When I first saw this place, and the sea, it was such a deep blue, I thought it must be a blue wall I was looking at - then I realised that, no, it was actual water, not a painted backdrop!
@@amandayorke481 are you English ?
@@juliafisher5844 Born in the U.K., but live in Australia. Why do you ask, Julia?
For me dating is also not a priority any more, although I would love to meet a wonderful woman. And maybe end up somewhere near the ocean.
Yes to have friends, but I don’t truly feel the trust in my community. And I don’t feel like I naturally fit into it.. I’m not very proud of myself right now.. and I’m a bit tired from this past year. It’s been a doozy!
Thank you, Matt! Love your new book ‘ Love Life’ btw!
Because most of the time I love it! The only time I meet interesting guys is abroad and I need a guy who can appreciate my need for solitude during the day that I need to recharge (I am an introvert who works in various communication spheres and is considered a great communicator, haha!). Apart from travelling alone and sharing love and passion, both mutual and for other things, I don't mind it that much.
Omg! No.5 really resonates matthew.. i started to work on it in 2022 and plan to continue making energy and time for myself.. hopefully it's going to come to fruition in 2023.. happy new year everyone!
I have communities as I'm very civically active but unfortunately mine are filled with wonderful, emotionally available, mature men...who being so high value and also in their 40s are already devoted fathers and husbands. I tried a singles group and interests groups (writing, hiking, humanists) and while I did meet cool people and make more friends these groups were very clique-y and/or full of couples or much older singles. I'm not trying to make excuses here, just pointing out that the search for a tribe can be also exhausting and feel hopeless after a while. I'm actually finding I'm beginning to have isolationist tendencies that concern me a bit as, although I've always needed some days to myself to recharge, for the most part I'm pretty gregarious and love people. But there is a heavy hopelessness beginning to take hold.
Don't give up .. take comfort in the couples around you .. of course it's possible if you want it
This is the most real video out there
Honestly speaking!
I noticed 2 or 3 things I’ve been doing my whole life
And yes, you’re right
I am definitely in several communities that are full of people whose connections are also only in those communities.
Why I'm still single, I no longer have it in me anymore after 2 divorces and failed relationships in between. I'm focusing on my healing and my dreams. I'm done with having relationships were I end hurt & broken!
My husband and I been separated 2 yrs, for financial reasons we will be living together separated under one roof! We have agreed to be friends with no benefits but if a spark happens then great, if not we won't be enemies! Share two awesome kids
I live in a big city and I am a very social person. I have my community (I dance salsa, so we go to all these events and meet new people all the time. Apart from that I do crossfit and I meet new peolple there as well), if I am invited to some place by people I don't know very well, I do it. Despite all that, I am still single, and without being cocky or anything I consider myself a catch. I find that most guys nowadays don't want to commit, and the guys who just want to hook up don't even know how to ask for it (forgive me, but I don't think a flaming emoji is good enough). My best friend moved to a big city to find love, and after his hopes were crushed, he moved back to his home town. Surely these advices apply to some people and are very true, I just think it's hard to find someone you can have something good and healthy with. But yeah, I agree that the more you focus on it, the further it goes away from you...
His advice is way too generic and simplistic and sorry but if someone loves leaving in the middle of nowhere he or she is probably hoping to find someone who thinks alike and is looking for the same thing. I just don't buy Matthew's approach
Thanks for making it even more COMPLICATED
I have communities and still struggle, but I think being 35 and most of the single people I meet are under 28 (which I’m open to but limits the possibility of a connection). I work from home but do try my best to get out every day (gym, social events, etc). We have recently been told we are going back to the office, and after watching this, maybe that’s a good thing!
So much wisdom packed in a single video!
This all makes sense and is great advice! I was nodding my head yes the whole time, youve nailed it on the head. Definitely, some things for me to think about and work on :-)
One of my favorite videos so far. Definitely 1, 2, sometimes 4 and 1000% #5.
How do you counsel people who have chronic fatigue or limited energy due to burnout? Not so much in terms of time/physical energy, but emotional energy: it's hard to believe someone will want to be with someone who is frequently tired.
I understand what you mean, I feel this sometimes. Personally, I think it is the lack of community too and the right company to elevate and energise me x
I think you will meet your connection when you least expect it. I am just enjoying life and less drama games with guys. Meet up groups have help me. I have been working with things with my life. Thanks Matt for all your help, keep it up, I have grown and changing daily. 😊👍
I am single because I choose to be. My friendships are great, emotional connects... When I see them with their partners (bf, gf, husband, wife) I don't see one indeed content n overjoyed .... not just my past wisdom but being the agony aunt of these coupled friends makes me feel I'm.so much better off .... Times can be altering in matters of careers, finances, health, family but these I can face head on however I'm not forcibly bringing in any where my one days pleasure equals to 10 days sorrow/confusion/unreliability ..... Thank you better off single !!
5 reason :
1.if you know the truth ,you know your destiny. (If youhave that gift of celibacy, less effort but great result.)
2.knowing that loving yourself is enough.
3.You are still on the process of waiting on someone which you hope for,( they will never hurt you)
4.You are compassion to God and passion for people. No time of commitment but for the welfare of people.
5.Sacrifice and commitment to yourself.Integrity.in your word that you will stay single .
Thank you for this video. You speak with a clarity and understanding of the broader picture, and empathy and compassion for those who are experiencing loneliness in their lives.
I moved from small town Iowa to Las Vegas for this reason (and others) and I haven’t found anyone yet but it’s sooooooo much easier to meet someone in a bigger city than a small town
I have lots of friends communities but mostly are families with children . I don’t work from home and actually meet many people through work. I have a pleasant characters, nice looking and good energy to be around.
I am 47 with a son and have been single for 6 years. (Many people think I am sister of my son as I look much younger than my age)
I am still waiting for a miracle to happen and someone right will come into my life.
Thank you for making this video. I relate to this so much.
His first example is spot on. A friend of mine liked beer and running, so he joined a run club that met at a brewery. Fast forward five years and he's now married to a girl he met through that run club!
Another overlooked reason is aromanticism. Some people just don't feel any romantic attraction towards others. It isn't talked about a lot, but it's worth knowing about.
Hi Matthew , I can relate to all your reasons, I think I need to focus on finding more communities and time-energy to be able to meet people. Just to validate your second reason: I met one of my exes, with whom I stayed 3 years in a tram ;-) , so going out can help , even on a way to go see friends which was my case ! thank you Matthew !!
No. 1. Damn it, Matthew! Why didn't you tell us that at the retreat in Florida six years ago?! 😂
I could have built and joined communities like a boss since 2016.
Please design a programme on community building.
Also, that last pointer of not having enough time really hit home for me! It's easy for me to think that instead of making more time, I just need to make a change and up my responsibilities, but to simplify my responsibilities is something that's not easy for me to do.... There's a part of me that just enjoys being busy because it allows me to be more productive and not get lazy. This is something that perhaps I need to work on balancing out in the next chapter of my future.
In our parents and grandparents time before the technology took over . They went out on dances every weekend cinema theatre their social life was the real deal and they had no problem in succeeding getting most of the time lifetime partners. They were far happier than what we have to do to find love. A broken Community is a broken communication. You have to put in the effort if u want it.
I'm laughing because I tick the first 4 categories. Great insights, I really like the suggestion of taking myself for a date. For me I'm making 2023 a year of self care, that right now is my priority.
The first point makes so much sense
My goodness! There are some people in my life that need to hear this video 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
This is an amazing video, I felt it was really talking about me. In general, I feel that when you are single, and going on dates, there are long periods when you are alone, and recently I feel that you should be okay with these periods as well, and be happy with yourself, strengthen your self-confidence. I would be happy if you made more videos about the time when we are alone (the time after getting over a breakup, when we really have no one in our hearts, and no one in sight), I feel it is important to know how to be happy alone, and to take a break from dating to gather strength.
To give stability to my son. Ive watched so many friends and family that have had multiple relationships and marriages, where a new man comes into their kids' lives and then moves on, and then another and another. I dont believe thats healthy for a child's safety and emotional development. (been a witness to instability and ramifications in childrens lives as a social worker) Im very social and am involved in activities outside the home (work from home too). Yearning to join in more activities in the future. Fantastic video clip.
Your reasons are so essential ! Great job ! 👏
Gotta be open to change and quit slinking around in baggy comfy sweats, avoiding eye contact when getting my morning coffee lol! Doing what it takes to feel good about myself -and to be proud, that hit home.
Finally a realistic video, spot on, work from home, small city, exhausted and top that with being very picky 😅
the time and energy really hits home. I am up at 230 in the morning to get ready for work. I drive 175 miles one way to work and then work a 10.5 hour shift and then 175 miles home. Yep I am tired. Then I come home and take care of horses. So during the week, I really have nothing left to give. I get it.
What if I despise interacting with people? What if I feel inadequate in a big social setting? My daytime job forces me to act like I like people. And my online job is fantastic but I don't really like going out to hang out with people who are awkwardly geek like me. I live in a big city and I really don't like the idiosyncrasy (All reggaetoneros) I can "pretend" to have fun and enjoy myself but I'm really dying inside and want to go home.
1, 3 and 5 make so much sense for me.
That first reason already hit home. Dang. Time to expand my horizons
Extremely spot on Matthew. I identified so much with 1 & 5.. 😔
There are so many reasons why I am single. It's hard to list down everything
Huh, the algorithm threw me on the other side of RUclips. I guess there's some things I can learn from this too. Change is as good as a holiday.
This is true, it has been 8 years and I have not met someone who I have genuinely been attracted to here in my small town
And even if you are doing everything right, it's juste rare to find a good fit nowadays. Decent people are often taken, singles have their unsolved issues... I have been trying to date out of the apps in the past few years, I just found unavailable, avoidant people. Cute grils are spoiled for choices and you are never good enough. Many people have serious mental health issues or very bad mentality... Good luck to all the singles out there! Keep strong 💪
All the ugly chick's are easy but the 8's up are difficult to get 😆