Oh my goodness! You got me with the options advise!! I do have options tho none are "optimal"....is no excuse for staying but it's so much more than that. Mind you, I've been married 31yrs to this devil. Together 33. His TRUE nature didn't reveal itself until about 11 years ago. AFTER kids are grown. AFTER grandbabies. AFTER all my familial allies (support system) are dead and gone. It's so hard to just give everything up & walk away defeated. Deflated even.
All your videos are so on point. Best is the examples and the odd little things that they do and the affects on us. A lot of other channels don't do that. Thank you as always and I find such comfort learning from your channel.
It's been 16 years. I'm damned if I do or don't. That man has a problem with something the minute he opens his eyes. Besides that, he's stingy. I have not once had a birthday, Christmas or valentines day gift. I did them for him. He has no friends and now I see why. One of them paid for his stuff and he later blew the dude off. He didn't even seem appreciative. SMH. A very different person than the one I was sold on. I was given an engagement ring and I am still at my parents house 3 years later. That's what really gets me when he calls me "a walking lie". Excuse me,sir? I dont have a marriage license for this ring; If you want to talk about lies, yours is much larger. Reality is butting into his play. He has never made me feel guilty about us. He doesn't even acknowledge that we are together yet somehow I'm engaged. I could die and he wouldn't even notice. He's too busy doing whatever it is he does behind my back. He thinks he's very clever but he tells on himself a lot. No matter what has ever happened he pretends it never did. He just plays dumb that he didn't disappear for a month.
Fantastic video. This has truly nailed the past 12 years. I have an insane relationship/business relationship that falls directly into this. I used to be totally confused as to WHY a person would do what they were doing. Their behavior and communication is totally destructive, counterproductive and cost oceans of money. Turns out I’d been looking at everything the wrong way! I’d been asking the question “who in their right mind…”. (See the problem?). Turns out they aren’t in a “right mind”. Supporting me or my business was never in the cards because cash is not the “currency of the realm” for them. Control is. It took years to realize they see anything I do, they cant take direct credit for, as a direct threat to their existence. So they sabotaged, undermined and everything else in the book until my side crashed and I was forced to help them rise. 12 years of marriage and 2 kids is a bad control combo. While I’m not a trained professional I’d suggest maybe trying to avoid it. Looking at my past I can now see I was totally blindsided. I was perfectly unaware that this was even a thing even though I’d grown up with it. Well, here I am now. I guess the repairs can start from the basement. At least I know I haven’t been insane. I’ve been calling out the BS from day 1. I just didn’t know the whole of the issue. It’s absolutely without end, edges or pause. NPD litteerally infuses every inch of their being. What’s worse is that I can’t do anything about THEM. They are THAT. My only choice is to undertake the delightful task of working on myself! I get to deep dive and answer fun questions like: Why do I attract these people? How do I reset my mindset? Anyway, great video and thank you for sharing.
Omg my ex girlfriend along with her mom were huge narcissists. Her mom would brag and tell this big story how she came from Nicaragua and went to college in the U.S. at 17 and left everything and conquered this big feat. Nicaragua was going through something political that affected the whole country at that time and the real story was she got a full ride scholarship from the government for her college degrees...and before that her dad had a million dollar business and she had maids coming to her bedside. My ex was super spoiled like you wouldn't believe...so glad she is now my ex lol.
Something I realized is that when a person from a poor country meets a person from a rich country there is often narcissistic abuse directed att the richer person. Just look at 90 days to wed.
Starting at about the 19-minute mark, where you describe what happened to you,I feel that I could just substitute myself. Smear campaign, entire family aligned against me, vicious emotional attacks on me, then on my wife, then on my child. The big difference being that I'm not nearly as articulate as you. To others who maybe watching this at some future point. Having just finally walked away, I want to say to anyone in the future watching this, that I too would not trade the freedom of leaving for anything. And as is so well described in this video, life is not simple, and total no contact in walking away simply isn't an option for everyone for any number of reasons. But that's still doesn't mean the maliciousness, put downs, devaluing, and abuse is ok. Hold on, educate yourself, know you are not alone, know your truth, and realize that the truth is your peace of mind, and their burden.
i started a list of all the times i was ignored as a response to my accomplishment or gift. I was simply being neglected by them. crickets all the time.🙂🙃
My husband has greatly and purposefully contributed to my anxiety and currently my stress load by not working and I have taken on the majority of the bills. He also now acts as if he needs to be my savior like he’s done nothing wrong and says “I’m going to help you through this” I have bouts of crying I have never been so unhappy and life is tasteless. It confusing to me why someone would inflict emotional, mental and financial distress on someone and then try to be the hand to help them. I have tension headaches now when we talk and when I’m just trying to understand the nonsense. I feel like he’s trying to become some major component of my mental stability but he is ripping it to shreds. It doesn’t help that I work from home which I’m thankful for that but then there is him all day even when I am on a break just getting some quiet time wanting to talk usually to the point I get upset. My job is not stressful and I actually love my work but he makes it miserable. This is so isolating because hardly no one would believe how he is with me if I told them. We have one mutual friend who sees how my husband is and has backed me 100% it feels good to have someone who really sees what you are going through even if it’s just one person.
You're in prison. Just like they planned from day one. Get out or be his b#tch for life. You are backed into a dead-end ccorner. Free yourself or live as his slave. That's all you can do. I'll pray for you 🙏... blessings and I hope you see the light and finally pull the plug. You are being suffocated. Live free...
Big thank you. Your video really described how i feel and what I'm going through in life. For the past 15 years. I live in guilt. Especially after i realise i have ADD, and very likely ASD as well. I blame most troubles i had in the relationship on myself. I thought my husband 's anger and abusive behaviour is due to me being difficult. Even though i have to admit im difficult. But not too the point that i deserve to be called an idiot, selfish, lazy ...... I'm not a very hard working person, i love living a relatively low stress life, especially after having my son who has the exactly issues i have. But no matter what, i did everything within my capability as a mum, a wife. Up until now I'm still feeling guilty of many things i did in the past due to my issues, like having depression, anxiety, losing my temper with my son due to stress ( i yelled a lot in the past 😢). My husband would and probably will make sure i never forget what i did. Especially when i call out his abusive behaviour.
Incredible video and I have been through many, many, many of them for the last past 2 yeas. Right on spot! Everything is in there. So accurate. It's clear you have been through it. And it is very comforting indeed, it resonates, it helps us not feeling so alone and full of self doubt anymore.
They make things up, even imaginary smells just so they can complain to you about it like it is somehow your fault and you need to fix it. One of the other favorite techniques my narc uses is that he cannot find things, ever. He always has to come to me, ask me where it is, and then when I tell him, he says he already looked, so I get up and go get it, right where I said it was. He just wanted to make me get up and do it (control) I caught on to his antics pretty quick, but I didn't understand what was behind all this until I started doing the research.
That one is a hard call. I mean. I lose things all the time and had to ask people and sometimes it would be where I thought I looked even. I'm just saying. I bought Keychains that beep for some stuff and never have that issue anymore but did a lot! Lost my keys or phone nonstop
My ex husband smeared my name for years before I left. After I left... he stepped it up to a whole new level even making up lies about me and told them to my grown children. Been gone for 7 years now. Still healing. I lost family and friends because of him.
Will you please do videos on the following: reactive abuse towards narc, victim partner keeping dignity (and pleasantly, courteously gray-rocking) while the nice/helpful narc humiliates only their victim partner (by lying, gaslighting, sneaking, hiding, compartmentalizing, emotional/micro cheating at work), compartmentalizing/double life narc, narc as attention addict (from anyone, anywhere), quiet narc who manages to get mommying everywhere (including at professional job), emotionally-detaching from live-in narc partner without triggering narc
@@DrPhilGoode Check out time stamp 25:28 in this video, as to what "Looking behind the mirror" says pertaining to your comment. You will note that she says the same thing at the end of all of her videos.
Remembering my throwback moments when I am still with my NPD family relatives.... They are all team me up and accusing a nagger and insecure crazy person ...... And my GUT INSTINCT telling me that there is a something wrong so I did my own research regarding odd behavior of a person then till I found with this kind of testimony and those different people who also experience this kind of abusive behavior.....
The narcissistic person in my life accused me of not listening or caring about what people have to say. I responded with " after I've listened to all of your shit" (basically a variation of everything I've done for you". Does this also count as manipulation? In this situation I had genuinely done a lot for them as a friend , so to hear that they never saw it that way was pretty triggering.
Everything the narcissist does can be reflected in our own behavior as we try to defend ourselves from their behavior. This is actually the inspiration for the name of my channel. It can be very confusing. But you are talking about something (I assume) that you truly did. And you aren’t using this as justification for horrible behavior. You’re using it to try to counter unfair accusations. There’s a big difference.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror Thanks for answering one of my questions again haha. So at the end of the day , a lot of this really boils down to the intent of the behavior I'm assuming?
When I was in high school, one of the highlights was when a assembly was presented in the auditorium on various subjects. One of regulars was Hal Harrison. I really can't believe i remember his name but it kinda has a ring to it. All benign subjects of geographic travels and adventures abroad. Speed ahead to present day issues.. What do you think are the chances that even a one hour seminar would be allowed on human interpersonal exploitation ? I'm thinking none. Even with on line stalking, clicks of status in the halls, a culture that values the sports star more than those who step up to defend someone bullied. In some ways, just like a ruthless CEO , society rewards narcissism. No kidding right ? But I dont think the narcissism epidemic can be tamed when those in authority don't recognize the need to at least plant a seed of awareness, especially when you have the opportunity of a captive audience in school. Would the kids even care ? Would they laugh at it. Would some decide to use it as a weapon. Would it save even 1 % from going into suicidal depression. If even 1 % could be saved from going down the immeadiate rabbit hole, ...it would be worth it. And as time matures minds as they head into college and life, the rest might recall a lesson from the past.
Yes, you're on trial, to them, to their mum, to their friends. But you know, that, in their eyes, it would be so unfair to say your side of the story... you are guilty.
Do those of us who have been in a long term relationship/marriage with a Narc (seriously deep rooted narc) begin to take on elements of how they treat us and kind of try to give them some of their own medicine at times? It seems the only way some narcs ‘seem’ to understand why you feel hurt by their behaviour is to do the same sort of thing to them (if that makes sense?)
It makes a lot of sense. It’s the inspiration for the name of my channel. Narcissistic behavior is caused by projection that can create similar behavior in those defending themselves from it. It can turn into a vicious cycle where it can be hard for people to understand who is actually causing the original problems.
However, that last part about them understanding why you feel hurt by their behavior….that won’t happen. Empathy doesn’t just turn on and off. They may see your behavior towards them but no “ah ha” moment will follow. Unfortunately
I did this to my ex after dealing with him and other women for months I eventually started seeing other guys. When he found out he was outraged and his ego was hurt but he still had no empathy in him to acknowledge how his behavior drove me to lose trust and some feelings for him I once had.Instead of lesson learned moment (treat others the way you wanna be treated) he said he could no longer trust me lol he was pathetic
Just about everything they say is a lie, or nonsense or superficial or meaningless and boring and they are boring Because they do not know anything except maybe their jobs, one sis is a solicitor and is knowledgeable in that area but anything else is mostly rubbish!❤
What seems like a generous act from your narc is really just a way to "pay it forward" to themselves.
Oh my goodness! You got me with the options advise!! I do have options tho none are "optimal"....is no excuse for staying but it's so much more than that. Mind you, I've been married 31yrs to this devil. Together 33. His TRUE nature didn't reveal itself until about 11 years ago. AFTER kids are grown. AFTER grandbabies. AFTER all my familial allies (support system) are dead and gone. It's so hard to just give everything up & walk away defeated. Deflated even.
1. Guilt tripping;
2. Future faking;
3. Gaslighting;
4. Blackmail;
5. Dependance.
Thank you. Blessings to all 🙏💪❤️🩹🌻
If their gifts come with obligations, they are not gifts. They are bribes.
💯
All your videos are so on point. Best is the examples and the odd little things that they do and the affects on us. A lot of other channels don't do that. Thank you as always and I find such comfort learning from your channel.
You’re welcome. Thanks for watching!
It's been 16 years. I'm damned if I do or don't. That man has a problem with something the minute he opens his eyes. Besides that, he's stingy. I have not once had a birthday, Christmas or valentines day gift. I did them for him. He has no friends and now I see why. One of them paid for his stuff and he later blew the dude off. He didn't even seem appreciative. SMH. A very different person than the one I was sold on. I was given an engagement ring and I am still at my parents house 3 years later. That's what really gets me when he calls me "a walking lie". Excuse me,sir? I dont have a marriage license for this ring; If you want to talk about lies, yours is much larger. Reality is butting into his play. He has never made me feel guilty about us. He doesn't even acknowledge that we are together yet somehow I'm engaged. I could die and he wouldn't even notice. He's too busy doing whatever it is he does behind my back. He thinks he's very clever but he tells on himself a lot. No matter what has ever happened he pretends it never did. He just plays dumb that he didn't disappear for a month.
Fantastic video. This has truly nailed the past 12 years. I have an insane relationship/business relationship that falls directly into this. I used to be totally confused as to WHY a person would do what they were doing. Their behavior and communication is totally destructive, counterproductive and cost oceans of money.
Turns out I’d been looking at everything the wrong way! I’d been asking the question “who in their right mind…”. (See the problem?). Turns out they aren’t in a “right mind”. Supporting me or my business was never in the cards because cash is not the “currency of the realm” for them.
Control is.
It took years to realize they see anything I do, they cant take direct credit for, as a direct threat to their existence. So they sabotaged, undermined and everything else in the book until my side crashed and I was forced to help them rise.
12 years of marriage and 2 kids is a bad control combo. While I’m not a trained professional I’d suggest maybe trying to avoid it.
Looking at my past I can now see I was totally blindsided. I was perfectly unaware that this was even a thing even though I’d grown up with it.
Well, here I am now. I guess the repairs can start from the basement.
At least I know I haven’t been insane. I’ve been calling out the BS from day 1. I just didn’t know the whole of the issue. It’s absolutely without end, edges or pause. NPD litteerally infuses every inch of their being.
What’s worse is that I can’t do anything about THEM. They are THAT. My only choice is to undertake the delightful task of working on myself! I get to deep dive and answer fun questions like: Why do I attract these people? How do I reset my mindset?
Anyway, great video and thank you for sharing.
You always validate what I'm going through and that I am not crazy.
Girl, you get it. You truly get it. You were there. Thank you for sharing your sense of understanding.
Omg my ex girlfriend along with her mom were huge narcissists. Her mom would brag and tell this big story how she came from Nicaragua and went to college in the U.S. at 17 and left everything and conquered this big feat. Nicaragua was going through something political that affected the whole country at that time and the real story was she got a full ride scholarship from the government for her college degrees...and before that her dad had a million dollar business and she had maids coming to her bedside. My ex was super spoiled like you wouldn't believe...so glad she is now my ex lol.
Damn. Good for you for not enduring bs ❤hope you found all the joy and happiness. 🎉
Something I realized is that when a person from a poor country meets a person from a rich country there is often narcissistic abuse directed att the richer person. Just look at 90 days to wed.
You are such a beautiful blessing thank you
Starting at about the 19-minute mark, where you describe what happened to you,I feel that I could just substitute myself. Smear campaign, entire family aligned against me, vicious emotional attacks on me, then on my wife, then on my child.
The big difference being that I'm not nearly as articulate as you.
To others who maybe watching this at some future point.
Having just finally walked away, I want to say to anyone in the future watching this, that I too would not trade the freedom of leaving for anything.
And as is so well described in this video, life is not simple, and total no contact in walking away simply isn't an option for everyone for any number of reasons.
But that's still doesn't mean the maliciousness, put downs, devaluing, and abuse is ok.
Hold on, educate yourself, know you are not alone, know your truth, and realize that the truth is your peace of mind, and their burden.
You have articulated and explained the situation so well! Thank you XX ❤!🙏🙏🙏
i started a list of all the times i was ignored as a response to my accomplishment or gift. I was simply being neglected by them. crickets all the time.🙂🙃
My husband has greatly and purposefully contributed to my anxiety and currently my stress load by not working and I have taken on the majority of the bills. He also now acts as if he needs to be my savior like he’s done nothing wrong and says “I’m going to help you through this” I have bouts of crying I have never been so unhappy and life is tasteless. It confusing to me why someone would inflict emotional, mental and financial distress on someone and then try to be the hand to help them. I have tension headaches now when we talk and when I’m just trying to understand the nonsense. I feel like he’s trying to become some major component of my mental stability but he is ripping it to shreds. It doesn’t help that I work from home which I’m thankful for that but then there is him all day even when I am on a break just getting some quiet time wanting to talk usually to the point I get upset. My job is not stressful and I actually love my work but he makes it miserable. This is so isolating because hardly no one would believe how he is with me if I told them. We have one mutual friend who sees how my husband is and has backed me 100% it feels good to have someone who really sees what you are going through even if it’s just one person.
You're in prison. Just like they planned from day one.
Get out or be his b#tch for life.
You are backed into a dead-end ccorner.
Free yourself or live as his slave.
That's all you can do.
I'll pray for you 🙏... blessings and I hope you see the light and finally pull the plug.
You are being suffocated. Live free...
Just make sure that one friend you have that understands isn't a flying monkey.
Big thank you. Your video really described how i feel and what I'm going through in life. For the past 15 years. I live in guilt. Especially after i realise i have ADD, and very likely ASD as well. I blame most troubles i had in the relationship on myself. I thought my husband 's anger and abusive behaviour is due to me being difficult. Even though i have to admit im difficult. But not too the point that i deserve to be called an idiot, selfish, lazy ...... I'm not a very hard working person, i love living a relatively low stress life, especially after having my son who has the exactly issues i have. But no matter what, i did everything within my capability as a mum, a wife. Up until now I'm still feeling guilty of many things i did in the past due to my issues, like having depression, anxiety, losing my temper with my son due to stress ( i yelled a lot in the past 😢). My husband would and probably will make sure i never forget what i did. Especially when i call out his abusive behaviour.
Incredible video and I have been through many, many, many of them for the last past 2 yeas. Right on spot! Everything is in there. So accurate. It's clear you have been through it. And it is very comforting indeed, it resonates, it helps us not feeling so alone and full of self doubt anymore.
They make things up, even imaginary smells just so they can complain to you about it like it is somehow your fault and you need to fix it. One of the other favorite techniques my narc uses is that he cannot find things, ever. He always has to come to me, ask me where it is, and then when I tell him, he says he already looked, so I get up and go get it, right where I said it was. He just wanted to make me get up and do it (control) I caught on to his antics pretty quick, but I didn't understand what was behind all this until I started doing the research.
So true 😢
That one is a hard call. I mean. I lose things all the time and had to ask people and sometimes it would be where I thought I looked even. I'm just saying. I bought Keychains that beep for some stuff and never have that issue anymore but did a lot! Lost my keys or phone nonstop
My ex husband smeared my name for years before I left. After I left... he stepped it up to a whole new level even making up lies about me and told them to my grown children. Been gone for 7 years now. Still healing. I lost family and friends because of him.
Will you please do videos on the following: reactive abuse towards narc, victim partner keeping dignity (and pleasantly, courteously gray-rocking) while the nice/helpful narc humiliates only their victim partner (by lying, gaslighting, sneaking, hiding, compartmentalizing, emotional/micro cheating at work), compartmentalizing/double life narc, narc as attention addict (from anyone, anywhere), quiet narc who manages to get mommying everywhere (including at professional job), emotionally-detaching from live-in narc partner without triggering narc
Thank you for the suggestions! I will put some thought into these.
@@DrPhilGoode Check out time stamp 25:28 in this video, as to what "Looking behind the mirror" says pertaining to your comment. You will note that she says the same thing at the end of all of her videos.
Remembering my throwback moments when I am still with my NPD family relatives.... They are all team me up and accusing a nagger and insecure crazy person ...... And my GUT INSTINCT telling me that there is a something wrong so I did my own research regarding odd behavior of a person then till I found with this kind of testimony and those different people who also experience this kind of abusive behavior.....
The narcissistic person in my life accused me of not listening or caring about what people have to say. I responded with " after I've listened to all of your shit" (basically a variation of everything I've done for you". Does this also count as manipulation?
In this situation I had genuinely done a lot for them as a friend , so to hear that they never saw it that way was pretty triggering.
Everything the narcissist does can be reflected in our own behavior as we try to defend ourselves from their behavior. This is actually the inspiration for the name of my channel. It can be very confusing. But you are talking about something (I assume) that you truly did. And you aren’t using this as justification for horrible behavior. You’re using it to try to counter unfair accusations. There’s a big difference.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror Thanks for answering one of my questions again haha. So at the end of the day , a lot of this really boils down to the intent of the behavior I'm assuming?
The last 5 years were the worst ‘temporary’ 5 years of my life
Thank You!!
When I was in high school, one of the highlights was when a assembly was presented in the auditorium on various subjects. One of regulars was Hal Harrison. I really can't believe i remember his name but it kinda has a ring to it. All benign subjects of geographic travels and adventures abroad. Speed ahead to present day issues.. What do you think are the chances that even a one hour seminar would be allowed on human interpersonal exploitation ? I'm thinking none. Even with on line stalking, clicks of status in the halls, a culture that values the sports star more than those who step up to defend someone bullied. In some ways, just like a ruthless CEO , society rewards narcissism. No kidding right ? But I dont think the narcissism epidemic can be tamed when those in authority don't recognize the need to at least plant a seed of awareness, especially when you have the opportunity of a captive audience in school. Would the kids even care ? Would they laugh at it. Would some decide to use it as a weapon. Would it save even 1 % from going into suicidal depression. If even 1 % could be saved from going down the immeadiate rabbit hole, ...it would be worth it. And as time matures minds as they head into college and life, the rest might recall a lesson from the past.
Yes, you're on trial, to them, to their mum, to their friends.
But you know, that, in their eyes, it would be so unfair to say your side of the story... you are guilty.
I really gave up my country, family, my small business, my home to move to another country just for him to treat me and my 3 yo like shit.
Thank you for explaining my life story.
In my situation it could of been different 😂 🤣 , I just know better now
Do those of us who have been in a long term relationship/marriage with a Narc (seriously deep rooted narc) begin to take on elements of how they treat us and kind of try to give them some of their own medicine at times?
It seems the only way some narcs ‘seem’ to understand why you feel hurt by their behaviour is to do the same sort of thing to them (if that makes sense?)
It makes a lot of sense. It’s the inspiration for the name of my channel. Narcissistic behavior is caused by projection that can create similar behavior in those defending themselves from it. It can turn into a vicious cycle where it can be hard for people to understand who is actually causing the original problems.
However, that last part about them understanding why you feel hurt by their behavior….that won’t happen. Empathy doesn’t just turn on and off. They may see your behavior towards them but no “ah ha” moment will follow. Unfortunately
I did this to my ex after dealing with him and other women for months I eventually started seeing other guys. When he found out he was outraged and his ego was hurt but he still had no empathy in him to acknowledge how his behavior drove me to lose trust and some feelings for him I once had.Instead of lesson learned moment (treat others the way you wanna be treated) he said he could no longer trust me lol he was pathetic
Just about everything they say is a lie, or nonsense or superficial or meaningless and boring and they are boring
Because they do not know anything except maybe their jobs, one sis is a solicitor and is knowledgeable in that area but anything else is mostly rubbish!❤
Same thing happened to me. Frienemies. Not worth it at all. Smile and keep going. We can be rejects together 😂🎉❤❤❤❤
Don't marry him, please!
Seriously
Most likely he got citizenship by marrying her
Bottom Line: there is no winning. None.