S1 E30 Why do I cry? A follow-up to “welcome to my sh*t show..” (Dominican Republic)

I know people are curious about why I was crying and for whatever reason, I needed to share not only my sailing journey, but also my story. I just wanted to re-iterate that this is MY story. This is about the decisions I made and why I cry. While it's not sailing related, the subject at hand is something that I will be working through as I sail around the world. This adventure is something I've wanted to do for a long time, but it hasn't been without any pain. That being said, I know I'm not the only one.
I'm grateful to you for taking the time to start following my journey and get to know me a little better. I hope you continue to tag along because I'd like to keep sharing my adventure with you.
Thank you for your support.
Here’s the letter to myself I read at the end of the video:
Dear Nicole, you’re growing normally. You’re beautiful as you are. Do not succumb to fear or shame. You’re proportionate and innocent, a child of Mother Nature. Let yourself live that way.
But if you’d rather know deep pain and survive true agony.. be consumed by regret, denial and confusion.. regain sanity.. then close your eyes and let him mark you with a ruler and a pen, and fall asleep beneath a knife to wake physically less than when you began.
Everyday for ten years (and likely even more), you’ll steady your gaze above your chest. You’ll avoid the numbness, skirt the stretch marks. You’ll cringe at the scars that form a crest. You’ll cry until you can hardly breathe, and you’ll scream out in fear at the uncertainties. You’ll find comfort in the option of taking your own life. You’ll be quiet to avoid their absurdities.
You’ll wonder who loves you and who you can trust, if, despite what you’ve lost, you’re still enough. You’ll shudder at the thought of unconditional love and you’ll feel trapped in a body you hate. You’ll freeze during intimacy, doubt your worth and your beauty and cringe at a compliment or secure opportunity. You’ll fear you’ve been set up to break.
You’ll mourn what was taken and plead truth for what you’ve gained. You’ll wonder if you’ll grow tired of the sorrow and become curious about the pain. You’ll look far and wide for peace and strength hoping it exists somewhere out there, and when you get tired of searching you’ll start to look inward but fear the trauma is too much to bear.
You’ll convince yourself to live just one more day, one day at a time. Asking “why me,” you’ll cry in spare moments, thinking you’re a living lie. You’ll be angry you lost what was yours to enjoy, what was yours to protect and shine. You’ll wonder the reason, if there’s a reward, if one day you’ll be like, “that’s why.”
In ten years you’ll come to embrace what’s happened, but a decade of healing is much too shy. Dear child, like the wounds the trauma will subside, but the scars will exist past the day that you die.
You’ll begin to realize that what happened to you was wrong and your anger will start to abate. You’ll try to see beauty, find people who love you, and allow others to carry this weight. It may seem like you did, but you haven’t lost everything. Girl, you still have fate.
If you prefer to know the depths of your strength, to bond with the souls of other women, to will your empty heart to the brim with forgiveness and compassion.. then cry through the slicing, the suturing, the healing, sob through the numbness and the pain, disconnect from the trauma of losing sensation and seeing the scars that prove the maim.
If you want to meet people who can relate, who too have found the power inside, if you want to understand the value of your voice and the importance of trusting your inner guide.. if you want to learn what it means to look inward, to grow, to experience pure life.. if you want to know fear so you can know love, my dear, go and sharpen the knife.
Nicole, you’re growing normally. You’re beautiful as you are. Do not succumb to fear or shame. You’re proportionate and innocent, a child of Mother Nature. Let yourself live that way.