It has boiled down to this for me; they ruin everything. A day, an event, an appointment, a weekend, a vacation, whatever. I'm glad I'm old enough to claim to be a hermit and just go about my life now. Other people's drama has left me drained.
I'm understanding all of this now! Everything! Parties!Gigs! Things get ruined! With clinical precision. I recognize the chain of events whenever I appear to be happy in front of my narc. I check each box in sequence as it all pours down like silver! Except now I relish my own life enough to see my narc for what they are. My secret name to myself is Lord Grey Rock.
Yeah they ruin everything. You cant tell them your fav items cause they'll destroy it. If you have an interview or important event, they wont let you sleep. Anything you get them for their bday is not good enough. Fuck them!
This is so relatable. My narc ex and I had birthdays only a few days apart, with his being before mine. Every year, same thing. On his day, there would be cake, gifts, candles, lots of good wishes, his favourite food, etc. When mine came a few days later - nothing. If I said anything, or asked about my celebration, he would say, 'we celebrated for both of us on my birthday' which of course, wasn't the case. We celebrated him on his birthday, then mine just got swept under the rug every year. Glad to be out of that situation.
Maybe you should’ve told him you wanted them celebrated separately. We guys can be kinda dumb about that stuff sometimes. If it were me, I’d just do everything on my gf’s bday. It really wouldn’t matter to me either way 😂
@@stormwilliams3347 It's assumed that birthdays are celebrated on the date of birth of the person whos celebrating, so why should he be told? does he not know how birthdays work?
I'm now realizing the reason I dread birthdays and special occasions isn't just the ominous and looming aging aspect, it's being used to having them get ruined by narcs
I agree! Birthdays are terrible and giving flowers and wishes shouldn't be mandatory. Same with other holidays. When everybody is dressed up and the car is ready to go and mom plops on the couch, turns on the TV, and says "We're not going anywhere today. Take off your clothes and relax." Relax? Relatives are waiting for us, food is all cooked, and you want me to relax with so much tension at home?
I have so many friends who celebrate their “birthday month” and “treat” themselves the whole 30 or so days and constantly remind everyone via social media. I think we live in a narcissistic society.
I have been thinking the same, and now keep all narcissistic people out of my personal space, avoid them in public and have learned to fire doctors, bankers and mechanics with tendencies.
I would call this immaturity, maybe ignorance. Celebrating the "month" has become a socially acceptable excuse for doing things we wouldn't do otherwise.
Healthy birthday month celebration’s are not bad, it’s the context of that celebration that can be unhealthy. Just my perspective on it. But yes I do wholeheartedly agree with you on that we live in a very narcissistic society 👍
I think it's low class for people that tell me over and over again, don't forget it's my birthday in September or whatever month, and then they say it again and again and it's followed by so let's get together. I've been overly generous to these folks and I started to think they are expecting me to pay for all of our festivities all night. Do they act like that for my birthday? Do they remember when it is? Not. I need to treat them like they treat me from now on..not givers, they don't reciprocate so why just be the giver, the lifter the one they go to to cry on my shoulder? They don't have time to listen to my stuff.. done
Agree. My sister began this at a very young age. Less than 10 years old. My narc mother fed into it and my sister celebrated her birthday for basically a month. I was born in December and got half a day, lol. Seen the same in other narcs. One person I've known for 30 years, I've stopped wishing Happy Birthday at all and I'm sure he's bewildered. I know he's purposely not acknowledged mine so I'm returning the favor.
I had my birthday last week and I went and got myself good dinner and had it alone in my room, and it made me extremely happy. Edit: Thank you so much for all your positive messages and birthday messages. You made me happy one month after the comment.
One of her birthdays I was determined to hit it out of the park - to do right all the things I usually "do wrong." After the special card starting the day, then the farmer's market, babysitting arranged, reservation made at nice restaurant, and time on the beach at the end. I felt I finally did it right. She cried because I didn't have the kids make cards.
Did you tell her to blame her lazy, uncaring, selfish kids for not making her cards? Then you could bond over the ensuing punishment you unleash on them.
On my 40th birthday, none of my family really even acknowledged it. But then, we were out someplace about two months later, and my ex starts bragging about how he through me this huge birthday party for me on my birthday and how much fun it was. I just remember looking at him, and asking who or which woman did he take, because I didn't even get a Happy Birthday on my birthday? A month later I took my kids and went to a DV shelter at the recommendation of my therapist.
On my 30 birthday today they make salty comments like you are old now, or I in your age had 2 kids and build a home ... Nothing positive just to make you to feel worse and worthless ...
I remember this happened to a good friend of mine I was not in the same state... But she literally cried to me that no one threw her a freaking birthday party for a huge milestone birthday 😢 it was either her 40 or 50, I literally cannot remember...she was especially sad bc her own "best friend" did literally NOTHING for her huge milestone birthday either, which was really odd. I was so sad for her because she hosted SO MANY PARTIES over the years and we all hung out at her house. It made me realize that whole group of friends were kinda self centered and fair weather friends, and I told her if I had been in town I would have.
My ex narcissist husband scarred me in the very early dating stage. We were college students. On his birthday I surprised him with flowers at a bookstore he worked for. He was so angry that I was there. I was shocked and hurt and very confused on the subway ride home. He wanted me to read his mind. He wanted me to take him out to dinner and didn’t like what I did. I thought he would be happy to see me. The humiliation alone should have been my moment to walk away but I was so naive back then.
My narc friend is nowhere close to that bad, yet his life completely fell apart over 20 years. I hate to think how much you went through with your guy. My niece has the perfect personality to get preyed on by one of these insects. I'm trying to figure out how to prevent it.
Can you believe my covert narcissist ex acted NORMAL on my birthday last year. Like that was my gift.. he cosplayed as a decent person, a “normal” partner for that day. Kissing me throughout the day randomly (never ever kissed or hugged me for any reason), being thoughtful, took me shopping at my favorite store. When he would come over and randomly kiss me that day I remember feeling super suspicious and weird. My mother is a covert narc and was the same way, her random moments of affection were bizarre and unprovoked etc so I had the same reaction of freezing up, looking around the room visibly confused etc. I straight up asked him “what’s with the kissing hugging etc today?” He really said with a straight face “it’s your birthday!!!” SO YOU KNEW HOW TO BEHAVE ALL THIS TIME AND GIFTED ME A DAY OF NORMALCY FOR MY BIRTHDAY?!?! they’re sick , I’m sorry
Cosplaying being normal lol. I was trying to explain to someone recently that it was actually the positive moments or “normal” moments that were the most confusing. Like, the craziness seemed obviously but everything else made the craziness seem less crazy, if that makes sense
@@crashlikewaves I'm living out exactly that situation right now with my ex. Sadly, I think it makes perfect sense to anyone who's been through it. The "normal" moments make it hard to believe the really awful stuff could really have gotten that bad. It's hard to reconcile being shifted from "evil" (something she literally called me yesterday) to "good" and treated accordingly so frequently and with so little reason.
Oh man! A few weeks back was my new girlfriends birthday and I was sick as a dog. I was literally stuck in bed and had a fever of 102.8 with the chills of death… She flipped out more than I’ve ever seen someone flip lol. I was apparently some terrible bad guy that “ruined” her birthday. Only been dating her a couple months, glad I got to see the real her. I had seen some red flags but her treating me like absolute trash that day made me watch some of these videos and helped me put it all together.
Glad you got out! They can care less if you’re sick! It’s all about them! But if they get sick, you have to wait on them hand and foot or they will be pissed off again! You just can’t win with these people 🤮🤢
Man I feel this. My ex flipped out cause I didn't make it to a birthday dinner. It was midterm season and I was studying STEM, I just couldn't make it across town on transit. She flipped out, regardless of the fact that she'd missed my birthday a couple months earlier. I didn't give her a hard time lol. Suffice to say, she's my ex and I'm better for it. Complete narcissist, used to talk down a lot about people about their weight. I should have seen that as a massive red flag and bailed.
I have had my birthday deleted from Facebook for years now just because I didn’t want a bunch of attention lol. Years ago I took some sort of a narcissist test that would score you from 0 to 40 (the higher the number, the more narcissistic you are). My score was a 1 😂. I took the test because an ex boyfriend had used that word for me in a lengthy text message. Years later I now know he was self-projecting.
Also, took my birthday off of Facebook. Having been in relationships with narcissists you can begin to wonder if it's you. When I said that to my therapist, he laughed and told me I was far from it. Gaslighting will do that to you.
My father was a textbook Narcissit...fit every trait, engaged in gaslighting etc... Our family is spread over a large area so many of us cannot go to all get-togethers. A few years ago it was my mom's birthday and for the first time in 20 years everyone was there. This seemed amazing & special since such a gathering was so rare. It was a pleasant visit with no drama but my father seemed unusually quiet. About a week later he called every one of us & shouted that he no longer considered any of us family, did not want to ever see or speak to us again & to never call him & would not explain why. I spoke with every member of our family & not a single person had any idea as to what had caused this. Then my wife, who as an outsider often has a more objective point of view, asked the question; Do you think your father was jealous because this gathering was about your MOTHER and not about HIM?
Sometimes the narcessist gives you the gift you so realy wanted all your life . That they never want to see you again. That in itself is a gift you must accept.
Wow, The people in the comments ate your story up. There seems to be no actual proof for his behavior and was mere speculation in the end. But yeah let's throw'em on the narcissistic boat lol
I know quite a few adults that have “ Birthday months” they literally start telling you their birthday is coming months beforehand and then celebrate themselves the whole month. It’s bizarre to me.
@@phantompop3192 Ours did a week, too. It was just a family thing, though. I understand the sentiment behind it, but I wouldn’t want to do it for my future kids. It’s a bit much. One day is fine, thanks. 😂
I used to celebrate a birthday week - I would do special things for myself each day, like self-care, and do volunteer work or make donations and do random acts of kindness. I love my birthday! I also do this for the people in my life who think it's fun. Please don't assume everyone who loves birthdays is a narcissist.
My Mom bitterly complained that I (as a 12 year old child) never gave her anything she "really wanted" for her birthday. So I shoplifted a nice Cowl neck harlequin sweater (it was the 80s) for her from a boutique in town. She was really excited. I was SO proud of myself for getting her something she "really wanted." About three weeks later she saw another woman at church wearing a similar sweater (same style, different color). She threw the sweater i purloined for her directly in the trash when we got home and she told me that I was trying to make her look stupid because she couldnt possibly wear the same clothes "That whore" wore. The woman at church had done nothing untoward to my mother or anyone, as far as i knew. I had never seen her sweater before. Somehow all of this was my fault.
I can only say I sincerely hope you cut off all contact and will never let her know about your children if you ever have kids. It’s the ultimate punishment for narcissistic moms
I hear so many women complaining about their birthdays on social media it's insane. I've seen one girl say that other women are "fake friends" for not taking off work for their birthdays or not going out of their way to make it to their birthday parties. I honestly think some people do not mature past the age of 14 years old.
OMG this resonated so deeply. I was born on my mother’s birthday. EVERYONE who heard that was so excited: they’d gush ‘how rare, how wonderful, blah, blah, blah.’ There are not enough words in the history of language that describe how much she made me pay for the mistake of taking away her spotlight on that day. It took awhile but the boundaries I was forced to erect remained completely inviolate: they helped me survive & ultimately thrive. She hated them & tried to cross them but I remained consistent: at the very least I could celebrate my birthday how I wanted to in peace.
@@BigHeartNoBS I wonder if narcissists are Born (DNA) or made (upbringing). Either way, it's strange that only 1 of 2 twins with same DNA and, supposedly, same parents and upbringing becomes a narcissist. Unless the parents play favorites, Golden child dynamics sort of things.
@@sergiom3988 It is 30% genetic actually. But 60% is due to development. Some scientists argue that narcissists are actually a perfect adaptation to become politicians.
I used to care a lot about my birthday and I would get really hurt when people would forget it. I also realized that I’ve been grasping for love and acceptance because I didn’t have it when I was a child. As I’ve been dealing with my baggage, it’s become less important to me.
Yes, I was this way too, or rather I wanted it to be oh so special, and I feel so ashamed. But okay, I had some bad experiences on My B-days though. But now I don't feel much about it. But the big 30 is coming up in a year, don't want it. I think I am going on a trip so I can't feel hurt about it 😂😅 Just get it over with.
I felt this too and always thought that I was narcissistic but it was because my family never made a big deal out of my birthday but instead would make a big deal of my younger brothers bday which was a few days before mine. They never celebrated mine but always celebrated his. I don't need their acceptance anymore.
I'm still feeling like this because I have never had a cake, I never have gifts for my bday but my friends, we have to plan 2 or 3 birhday parties, some of them even last a whole day. And I feel bad because no one cares about mine. But my psychologist is teaching me to let those feeling go. At the end of the day, the only person who is gonna care about me is me
The very idea of "birthday month" is grotesque. Birthdays are for toddlers. An adult who publicises his or her birthday is simply strapping on an emotional nappy.
This is actually a wonderful way to undermine and chip away at a narcissist’s self esteem. If you forget their birthday they might discard you to protect their ego and set you free.
No, they'll wait till your birthday comes when they'll take special care to congratulate you and make you feel guilty you didn't. Then they'll proceed to self invite to your place bringing in some common friends and screw your birthday. -) just kiddin
I guess, that's only if they aren't your relatives. I did this last year, when I went no contact with my narc aunt. My birthday is earlier, but the same month. I went NC before my bd as a birthday gift to myself, so I blocked the phone and didn't need to hear insincere congratulations. She still contacted my narc dad and even considered to send (unwanted) gifts by mail (her family at least live in different city). My narc dad is the type who hates birthdays and celebrations, so I never actually had a big laud birthday party, only simple basics like eating the cake with the family and receiving gifts (from mom, never from him). Of course, he told her not to send me anything and he was quite angry at the mention itself (how typical). Ironically, that was rather good for me that one time - I didn't have to feel too guilty about ignoring her birthday later (I still felt like a bad guy, doubting whether it's okay to do it like that, but I was too exhausted to deal with her). On the third day after her birthday the hell broke loose. She and her family contacted my dad and they all made me some sort of their common enemy. He told me a lot of horrible things, criticised me, blamed me for anything, being stupid, useless, lazy etc, yelled at me, raged for several months. Maybe it would be easier if I could just move far away, out of reach of any flying monkeys. But it wasn't an option. Also, everyone who goes NC with narc relatives gonna at some point be this "bad guy" who ignored their "precious" bd, because bd-loving narcs have tendency to not to speak to you for awhile, but still expect attention on their birthdays as if nothing has happened.
@@nothingthere3959 Sorry to hear that happened. I come from a background like that. I would keep on letting her down. Heheeee. Play the loser to a point where she knows you’ll be a let-down no matter what and expects it. In your mind, you aren’t. Keep your head down. At least, this way, you won’t have to put up a false front. That can be exhausting. They will point out when you show confidence; remarking “look at how stuck up he is!” Realize that this is a way of undermining your boundaries and abilities. This is typical predatory behavior. You will never get closure from a narcissist. Never, ever! The desire for revenge is actually a source of supply for them. I tried living up being an inconsiderate person. It has to be fun. You will lose your identity because it’s like acting a role. Get away from them or find ways to block them out. Find alliances with helpful people, build walls and numb it out. You are being outnumbered.
depends. should we proactively show every single day of our lives? if we feel down for god know what should we just go around and love whoever every hour? are we suppose to? are we obligated? we should love ourselves more before we love others love and appreciate them when you can at your own pace. NOT EVERYDAY. you're making a white lie by saying that. i know u meant it not to make it a big deal and nor do i. but also, dont tell us what to do and what not to do especially when u're talking about "love and appreciation every day", you're not buddha nor are u enlightened
Nice thought.. if we lived in a perfect world...or know how to love and appreciate ourselves in a proper manner. Considering most of us here have survived narcessistic abuse over a long period of time, I dare say that the survivors have learned to show appreciation...narcs feel entitled to it.
I say show appreciation, especially when you're feeling down. It will lift you up. You don't have to show love and appreciation to people who haven't earned it, though.
Ofc, bcs someone else is to be the center of attention. They do not accept that.. so they feel bad (for not being the center of attention) & thats why everyone else also has to suffer, feel bad or have a bad time.. They make sure of it
Just escaped a 3 year relationship with one. Holy crap, I would be up for days stressing about her bday, and it always ended in a huge tantrum. Mine would go by with barely a mention. Once she made me a birthday dinner and then spent the next few days telling me how much I owed her for making me dinner...
Omgosh!! Same. My ex narc would stress that he doesn’t celebrate his birthday yet book a cruise or vacation for it; hmmm🤔 If he celebrated mine, same experience. He’d say I wasn’t grateful, happy enough. That I was lucky and ANY woman would be happy to have what he did for me.
I had to put up with one for 15 years before I finally left her! I hated her birthday and knew I had to spend a lot of money and do something for her like she didn’t already have Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Christmas,… Just insane
Or they ruin everyone else’s birthday or holiday (even the children’s) when the attention is not focused on them - being disagreeable, stirring up conflict, or purposely not acknowledging that person’s bday (or Mother’s Day) But when it’s their bday (or Father’s Day), when they are the one being celebrated, they take it all in, joyfully accepting gifts and attention.
Totally the same here! Do you acknowledge their things?? I’ve pretty much stopped acknowledging theirs bc they make it a big deal that they forgot mine! So childish. I feel silly even typing this out.
My abusive narcissistic parent did that to me one year. On her birthday she was super bitchy and grouchy and I was uncomfortable speaking to her (as I often was). Because no one said happy birthday to her (while she was ranting and making it difficult to do so) she said she wasn’t going to acknowledge my birthday. And she didn’t. I was 14.
I have seen stories where narc mothers demand that her children celebrate them on their birthdays because SHE gave birth to them. Worse than that, they aren't even allowed to celebrate their own borthdays.
On yes that is exactly what my ex did. Just ended it with him. He visited his 30 year old son on Mothers day because he was jealous of my sons visiting me. I could see it on his face and he started playing games on his phone whilst they were with me! He left as soon as they did and went to visit his son, who just happened to still be living with his mother! When he came home he said " Oh it was his birthday today but I forgot but he's used to that!" The same for Mothers day he never even wished her a happy day! When I said why? He replied that all those sort of days are a con and don't mean anything!
I was married to a narcissist. I remember I was having some serious back pain. It was my husband's birthday, and I had an appointment with a doctor. It was a little difficult for me to drive, so I had asked my husband if he would drive me to my appointment. I remember after we got back home, he was like, "I really didn't want to spend my birthday taking YOU to the doctor. I wanted to celebrate my birthday." I just looked at him dumbfounded because that comment hurt me a bit. It wasn't a milestone birthday, and it wasn't like we couldn't celebrate it on a different day. Or whatever. He behaved like this all the time. He was the center of the universe. He never actually loved me.
Yep... Sprained my ankle the day before mothers day while mowing a very lumpy lawn for a friend of hers... I wasnt really supposed to be bearing full weight on it the very next day... But I did because it was mothers day and mama had the day off. She was heavily pouting because I didnt get all the dishes done after making dinner... I was drenched in a pain sweat half the day... Ah yes... Narc memories...
I don't know if you're aware what you did just there. You just minimized your pain by saying "the comment hurt me a bit", and then try to explain that "It wasn't a milestone birthday", as if it would be okay for him to behave that way if it was a milestone birthday? I am so sorry that you had to put up with that. Glad you found your way out of that. Been through the same. May you find healing! I wish you all the best!
Dr. Ramani, my birthday is on Thursday. I just left a narcissistic abusive relationship. I learned to dread my birthday because his abuse became worse in those days. I think it was his message to me that my life wasn’t important and not worth being celebrated. This Thursday I made no plans, but I am going to treat myself and love myself all day long and I really look forward to it. Thank you for posting this. I accidentally hit dislike and then fixed it! Hope it didn’t register. You have really helped me through this and I appreciate it.
Happy birthday, Reece! You are beautiful. It's nots selfish to treat yourself; in fact, I reckon you should make a habit of it! You will get through this. Just keep doing the next right thing in terms of your well being, and pour that love you would be pouring, unappreciated and taken for granted by default and to no fault of your own, to the narcissistic and bitter partner you just freed yourself from, into yourself and your life. Keep yourself surrounded by individuals and groups as well who truly, authentically have your best interest in mind and who will keep it one hundred, as the saying people use goes, with you! Not sure why I clicked on this video. I'm so glad I did because you deserve these bday wishes and good wishes in general toward your healing from your partners b.s. excuse the lingo, and towards your creatively actively and enthusiastically pursuing al that you want and so deserve!!!!!!! 🛤️🛤️🛤️🛤️ Look back as you need to reflect, and to learn from the bad, but also look forward unendingly to the great things in store ahead of you!!!!!!!!! You are a gem and a treasure. Don't ever allow yourself to be convinced otherwise, and guard your heart fervently now that you're armed with this knowledge of the darker traits of people. Congratulations on the huge leap of faith and step forward you have taken. It might be a tad or even a lot difficult at different crossroads, but my dear, you've got this handled completely. Be your own best friend, and a gentle warrior in the name of your own mental health and emotional wellness.
My ex was a narcissist. The funny thing is - yes, he definitely expected a big deal for his birthday - but he loved to make a big deal of MY birthday, whether I wanted it or not. (And I'm one of those people that could do without a celebration at all, but a cake and a few family members is fine, too). But it became obvious that he didn't want to do these big things for my birthday for *my* sake (because he knew I preferred peace and quiet) - he wanted to do these things that involved a lot of people because he wanted them to praise him for being such a thoughtful, considerate person. If we did a small event, there weren't many people to take note of how amazing he was for doing it. And that's how he was with *everything*. It was always about the praise he'd get for his efforts.
My narc mother always expected me to visit her on MY birthday even into my 50sb assumedly to show my extreme gratitude for my card, present and existance.
My ex girlfriend was so upset their 12-13 year old cousin missed wishing them a happy birthday by like a FEW HOURS. She went on feeling so rejected and hurt by it to the point where she ignored the cousin for 2-3 months. This cousin loves and adores her too and was probably crushed at the time. Imagine being so upset with a child half your age and giving them a tantrum.
I missed the birthday of a longterm friend's daughter one year through simply mixing up the date and she went ballistic, informing me that we were no longer friends. Her husband came over to apologise and I gave him the present I'd bought, which he later advised me had been thrown straight into the bin while she ranted at him for not supporting her. Never saw or heard from her again although, a few months later, her husband did let me know that they were planning on emigrating.
Unfortunately I know the other end of that really well. My older narc brother has ALWAYS been this way, that at some point I just accepted I had to suck up to him bc “that’s what you do.” I don’t really make a big deal about my birthday (and prefer being left alone on my day) so over the years I found myself thinking and focusing more about his birthday than I ever had/have on my own. One year he actually had the audacity to be upset with me when I wished him happy birthday in the evening his time (he was three hours ahead of me). I literally made sure to call him as soon as I got off work but because it was 8/9pm where he was, he threw a fit and called me a horrible person who needs to be less selfish. Mind you, at that point he had missed my birthday for 6 years straight. One of those years he called a month later for a belated birthday. The other 5 years he merely never mentioned it… So glad to be rid of his presence in my life.
I worked busing tables at a country club, where big parties would be thrown for members for special events like wedding and birthdays. A hostess would be assigned to plan and organize them and they were a big deal, pulling out all the stops. One of the waitresses I worked with was in "training" to be a hostess when she was finally assigned her first event to plan and organize - a birthday party for one of the newer members. She went all out, wanting to really showcase her abilities to entertain. The decorations, entertainment and menu were amazing, the best I had seen in all the events I worked. She planned an event like he was the most important person on the planet. However, most of the guests who arrived would drop off a present, greet this member, and then... leave. They didn't stick around any longer than they felt they had to, they were there just to make "an appearance". At first the staff all found this odd, until we ourselves met the "birthday boy" as we waited on and served him and realized what an obnoxious jerk he was. An over-the-top narcissist, the most rude, disgusting, self-centered... well, you get the idea. Boasted about everything, insulted anyone within 5 feet of him. Just... cringe. He became extremely upset as he watched all the people come in, say "happy birthday" but then leave. He seemed incapable of realizing they didn't like him one bit, even though it was quite obvious on some of the strained faces of people who stopped and offered best wishes. Many were likely employees of his who feared they'd be fired if they didn't at least stop in, or perhaps business partners who feared he would cease doing business with them. Only his family seemed to stay and they didn't look much happier about it. The narcissist of course needed someone ELSE to blame, and so he blamed the hostess. He began throwing very visible and public tantrums about all the decorations, the entertainment, the food, the service, etc, even though there wasn't a single thing worthy of a complaint. He demanded to see the manager, so a few of us along with the hostess led him back to her office. He began to rant and scream and demand the hostess be fired, right there on the spot. At first, the manager was appeasing him, agreed it was unacceptable that people were leaving and seemed ready to fire the hostess. The hostess was crying and looked absolutely devastated. I couldn't stand by and watch this injustice, so I spoke up and said, "if you fire her, then I quit, she did wonderfully - they're only leaving because they don't like him." I was sure that would be my last day. But it seemed that was all it took to give the other staff courage as well. Suddenly, the other staff chimed in, "me, too", "she didn't do anything wrong" and "yeah, she did a fantastic job!" I swear I even heard someone muttering "he's an a##-hole" under their breath. Hearing that, the manager said, "I'm sorry you're unhappy with how your party went, but it sounds like there isn't any problems with the preparations." The member was furious, threatening to quit his membership and take all his "friends" with him, that he'd call the health department to file complaints and that they'd be shut down in a week, etc. I didn't hear all the threats as the manager sent us all back to work as he continued to rant. The hostess was given plenty of events to coordinate after that, and every single one of them was a dream to work at - you loved working them just to be a part of the celebration, they were all fun and unique. I never saw the member after that.
Denial refuse to believe that people don’t like him. I dated a guy where his kids only call him when they need something. He was so happy. “ SEE THey NEED ME “! 👀. I was like they call you only when they need something. Big mistake he didn’t want to see that in his mind he was the man. He boasted and bragged about everything even down to the toilet paper tissue brand. Everyone he talk to he hold them up to brag about his degrees and this and that. He is actually miserable inside. He Love boom me for our first 3 months of dating. I was praising God and thanking him for my future husband. Boy was I wrong. He turnt into a monster. Mask off.
Wow. But seriously these people are grown up spoiled brats--who needs to spend thousands on a party and thousands on a membership to pretend they have friends.
I did lash out on my birthday once, because I was mad that it wasn’t matching up with my expectations, but to be fair I was three. And I really wanted to win all the party games. I have since become a more considerate host.
I have to deal with one right now and she even avoids saying Merry Christmas or anything on any day, never once asked me when my birthday was and I've been dealing with her for almost 11 years. completely absorbed in trying to compete and does everything I do and if I buy something she has to go out and get it (even cars, really). ugly, ugly, ugly.
This video came out of the blue and hit the nail on the head. The impending birthday month was always a time of stress for me because I knew what was coming. An onslaught of stress, a time where no one else on the planet exists except her. And it was never one day. It was an entire month of birthday overkill. Every single person encountered had to be told. The examination of gifts was always excruciating. The list goes on and on the last day of the month I would be told (every year) I made her birthday the most miserable time she’s ever had. I ruined everything. And I never even did anything.
Where to start…my ex hated birthdays and I remember him making me cry on mine. Never acknowledged or bought me even a small gift. I threw him a surprise 50th birthday party and he was ANGRY at me for spending money for it. When I turned 50 he berated me about his 50th party and on and on and on just punishing me. Interestingly enough, his brother was a narcissist too and he committed suicide ON HIS BIRTHDAY. I am so grateful to be out of all the toxic drama and violence and emotional abuse. Thanks so much for this video ❤️❤️❤️
Sad thing that probably they were both traumatised as children, hope you can forgive them, for your sake at least, although I know that is an unpopular stance these days. More importantly we need to try and understand why we were attracted to the relationships in the first place, or I have had to at least.
There you go, you do know the reason behind why he hated birthdays. Sounds like he was a jerk about it, it's indefensible how he treated you. But I have to ask, since you knew how he felt about birthdays, why did you throw him a surprise 50th party?
Vlog City Forgiveness does not mean allowing the person to continue to abuse or even be in your space. It means understanding that there are often reasons why people get so twisted and fucked up and not spending your precious energy on the hate that will only bring you down. As I said this is not a popular idea but then as narcissism is a pandemic at the moment that is no surprise. No joke.
Dad wants praise for barely doing anything, for me to tell people he does nice things for me every week: he lies, I won't protect him. I am true to myself. He's necver pleased and acts entitled to ignore common courtesy. I'm done with his b.s.!
Then there are the narcissists who deliberately "forget" other people's birthdays as a way to hurt family and friend's feelings. The crazy-making never ends.
Yes I've experienced the same as well, my ex-sister who's a covert narc conveniently forgets my birthday but sends it the next day with some made up excuse but she always sends it to the other family members on the day. It's soooo obvious... 🙄 I don't let it bother me as it just seems like very childish behaviour, still wish them on their day as I don't like to stoop to such immature pettiness.
@@Tullece Totally understand. My mother has been been working on some kind of crochet project for my daughter I hear and while she could have seen everyone on the 4th of July, as there was a gathering, her excuse was she’s working on this project for my daughter. So she thinks this gift will make up for her not calling her on her birthday and not being present. If you ask me, she just likes any excuse to not hang out with anyone, but she also thinks her little projects somehow make up for everything and I can assure you, will get mad when the response is not what she thinks it should be…..it’s a cycle 🔁 with her.
How do you know it’s deliberate and they don’t just like have adhd or whatever. If you don’t have adhd then thats how its seems to you because you don’t have the brain structure to empathize accurately. I don’t even know what todays date is. I just buy people things randomly instead
I will be honest: I was raised by a narcissistic father and still fear that his behavior has rubbed off on me - because I know for sure some has that I fight daily. That is why I clicked on these videos - to better myself, and see if I do any of these things, and if so, to be aware of it and improve. On this topic - I long preferred that my birthdays went unnoticed, even as young as 5/6 years old, where I tried to escape the party/parties that my parents tried to throw for me. On the other hand, my father was OBSESSED with his birthday, and almost, if not every video I have seen so far describes his behavior to a T. It is my wife who finally allowed me to enjoy my birthday. I still don't feel good about it and I dread its arrival - but she makes it more than bearable... it is downright enjoyable.
Same about the upbringing and concerns about exhibiting his behavior. It's a fair concern but also something that by being aware of the problem and actively trying to not mirror his influence it sounds like you have mostly in check. That's about as good as guys like us get on this ride.
I have actually grown to an opposite from this specifically. I’m so used to the narcissist ruining every birthday,Holiday,Etc that I get extreme anxiety on these days and have become the Mom that has to have everything Perfect and I realize that all I needed was the absence of the narcissist and a simple loving day with my kids
I hate my birthday because my mom would make a big deal about it even though I don't like all of the attention or fanfare. It is almost like she needed to throw a huge event or make a big deal about it for her sake, and to show other people that she cared about me a lot, and I didn't like it at all
That's exactly what they do, ruin every holiday, bday and ither things. He makes sure no one has fun. It's like he doesn't even know how to have fun. It's really weird and sick.
30-year+ friendship insisted on special treatment for her birthdays - expensive dinner, present, etc, but (after I started paying attention) when mine rolled around she paid for a ticket for me to a movie saying it was "more than you deserve" plus invited someone I didn't know and sat with the person instead of me - really showed me the difference between how she valued me vs her expectations. Yikes I felt like such a fool,,,no more.
A 20 year friendship in my life ended due to similar realizations/actions/understandings. It is a very odd feeling to see it for what it is after all those years. I wish you the best.
The realisation took me years. 2 years away from my best friend of 15yrs... looking back.. I feel so stupid, I didn't think a best friend could be so twisted & abusive. Seeing all the "events" etc for what they really were now. How I was being manipulated.. I love 100% & didn't see it. Hope you're OK now.
One year, my ex’s birthday was the day after my mothers funeral. He kept texting and calling me saying how he has “no-one to spend his birthday with”. In my time of grief, when I needed to be with my family, I left and drove to a different parish, got a personalized cake, and he didn’t even meet me. I felt SO bad. I had to scrape the frosting off and give the cake away. At the time, I didn’t know he was a narcissist and I just felt so guilty. The DAY after I buried my mother.
@@ilusagraun you clearly lack insight in to narcissistic relationships and cycles of abuse. She didn’t “put herself through that”. She was trying to do something nice for someone she cared about and was guilt tripped in to leaving her family during a time a loss. You know, when emotions are already running high it can cloud a persons judgement. Let’s not blame the victim here, you should blame the narc for their manipulative ways.
I had a friend once that used to make a huge deal about her birthday every year. She would plan these expensive dinner events and all this other stuff. I got tired of feeling like I was forced to pay up and participate.
Just to clarify to some people; If you feel disappointed that nobody rembered your birthday or at least that a close loved one didn't, don't worry, you are not a narcissist for that. It could point to you having some insecurity around social and family bonds but it's totally normal, especially if you're used to getting some birthday wishes and then suddenly one year you get none. So long as you don't make a big deal out of it, you're fine.
Thank you for this. I had this girl I was dating years ago, I was super crazy about her, and when my birthday came she wished me happy birthday but it was like 13 hours after everyone else, I just wanted to hear it from her and she was the last person I even heard from . No gift or special anything (I really don't want anything like that) I just felt hurt the whole day I was getting messages from everyone, but her. Your message made me realize I'm not a psycho for being hurt by that after all. Thank you.
Yeah, agreed. Tbh, personally I wonder how many of these narcissist ‘facts’ online are potentially damaging some people/their perceptions of relationships. Birthdays are an odd one, they’re stressful for some and for some people they’re not even brought up celebrating it so there’s disconnect. Never mind, as long as it helps someone I suppose.
Doesn't sound like she was raised in the States. Your birthday is a big deal here and your family goes all out when you're younger. Other than Christmas it's the 1 time a year where even the poorest of us get something we want
@@OzonebxGamingcelebrating children’s birthdays is not an exclusively American thing. If you’re an adult and you get upset when someone is a few hours late wishing you happy birthday then you might have some maturity issues.
My Nmom falls into this self-sacrificing role around her Birthday. "You don't have to do anything. I know you're busy. I've learned not to expect anything over the years." Then, regardless of what we do (even if it's nice/elaborate), it's not enough, and later on she will imply we don't care about her. But then follows that up with "But Birthdays aren't important when you're older so I didn't expect much," or "That's just being a mom, you get taken for granted." I get whiplash from almost all my interactions with her. And she is always the victim!
Holy cr*p that sounds like my boys mom to the letter. There is always drama around family birthdays and she's always the one front and center of the drama.
This sounds so strange to me because, I have a friend who is a complete narcissist in almost every way except her birthday. She will not allow anyone to wish her a happy birthday or even acknowledge it. If they do she will actually get seriously infuriated with them. You’re not even allowed to say happy birthday to her. But any other day all the attention Hass to be on her so my question is, is she then really a narcissist or not ?
@@sunnydaze2359 yes. My ex felt no one was good enough or could do it right. He rather avoid those feelings by avoiding the birthday. Its far from humble. He thought he wouldnt get enough gifts. We CARE for him on that day ( cake.singing etc) so its a way to reject us
This makes me feel a lot better about pretty much never celebrating my own birthday 😂 for my 21st I stayed in and watched all 3 Lord of the rings movies.
I watched LotR (extended version) over 1000 times to avoid my narc bro in law. Can damn near recite every line. But it kept me safe. I still love those movies. Thank god the p**ck is out of my life forever.
Same for my birthday. I don't have a party, just go out and eat with my husband and son, that's enough for me. His sister is a narcissist. If she doesn't get birthday wishes, she will be depressed for months. Those people can be scary. Since we had a fight with money that she borrowed and never pay back. I did not give birthday gifts for her this year. I'm tired of one way gifting. It's funny to watch those people's attitudes to treat you like an enemy when you dont wish and gift on their birthday, but they never do anything for your birthday, not even a wish. Those people are like strangers with only memories, so no big deal.
My 64 yr old narc sister got mad at me because I didn’t put her gift in a gift bag with pretty tissue in it. I gave her a gift but she went ballistic cause it wasn’t in a gift bag.
@@cymbolichuman433 😂😂😂. Id LOVE to be there watching that! If it were me id do it to mess with her, and then as she freaked out id say happy birthday while walking out the door and then laugh my ass off! 😂
My adult brother and I chipped in and bought my mom a 23 and Me test for her birthday thinking she would like to know what her background was. She was so pissed that she screamed "It's a lame gift, I would rather have just gotten a card" so...we only got her a card from that point on and spoiler alert, that pissed her off too.🤷♀
A narcissist can never make the first comment on anything a positive one. They are born miserable and can’t give credit to anyone. Don’t take it personally, run away as fast as you can.
Maybe they know things about the family that you don't? Although my guess is they don't want a test to tell them who or what they are, it probably takes their fragile sense of identity away from them. And some of them are narcissists because of traumatic childhoods, they've probably tried to distance themselves from their family and roots, so they don't care to be reminded what came before them.
Im a narcissist, that's not narcissism. Too many ppl think narcissism is any person who is nasty or abusive.......i actually have a God complex and can be very kind like it's my divine role. I love getting gifts and will take compliments as gifts...I'm a sucker for compliments and everyone knows to pander to my ego and I'll give you favourite dress. I'll draw your portrait. Your mum sounds awful and abusive xxx but narcissist threads might not give you the answers you seek xxxx
I appreciate the feedback. My mother was a confirmed covert narcissist and I didn't diagnose her. This was made known to me by several therapists I've seen over the years to deal with the trauma and abuse at her hands. This instance is only one (and by far not one of the worst ones) instance of her wild and negative reactions. To others, sweet as pie, but get closer to her and you got bit.
This is quite interesting. I’m autistic and have a great deal of trouble determining what other people’s motivations are for these things, so I’m often completely bewildered by why some people I know make SUCH a big deal about their birthday. One acquaintance of mine posts all kinds of things about her birthday on social media. She’ll post things like, "It’s exactly six months until my birthday!" "It’s a month until my birthday!" "My birth month has started" "only a week until my birthday!" All things like that. Her actual birthday celebrations begin the weekend before her birthday and go on until about a week after her birthday. Parties at her house, with the biggest blowout on the actual day. Dinners our with many people. A big party that she throws for herself at work. It baffles me since I don’t ever like to be the center of attention. I know some people do like that, but I’ve never known anyone who does things on this scale. Now that you’ve pointed out the connection between narcissists and the desire big birthday celebrations, some things are starting to make sense. This acquaintance of mine is the perpetual victim, always posting about how terrible her childhood was, how awful everyone is to her, how her adult children hate her for no reason, etc. I used to feel sorry for her, but the constant blaming of others for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life got old and I started wondering just how much of her troubles she’s brought on herself. She "can’t help" the way she treats others because of how abused she was as a child. She has no idea why her son won’t allow her to see her grandchildren anymore; he’s just mean and vindictive and is doing it to punish her for something he thinks she’s done…which might be true. He might want to keep her behavior from rubbing off on the grandchildren. Now I see that it’s possible she has a narcissistic personality. She gets very angry when her friends does the slightest thing to upset her, but she expects them to remain her friend and acts horrible hurt if the "turn against" her. Guess I’ll remain at a distance. She keeps inviting me to come to her big backyard parties, but I HATE being in groups of people I don’t know so I always politely decline. I’ve wondered if I’m missing out on making a new friend, but I think I now see that I’m not missing out on anything except hurt feelings and way too much drama…
You have excellent insights for being on the autism spectrum. My grandson, 12, is ASD and does have a hard time sensing how others feel or why they behave as they do. You give me hope that he can do the inner work to figure others out. Blessings!
Oh so related. Each year my dad would remind me that soon it’s his bday and ask me (a kid) what I’d get him. And doesn’t matter what I’d give him he wouldn’t like it. I remember this one time vividly, I got him his favorite perfume and he replied with “its ok, it’s not your fault, never mind”. I said what do you mean? You don’t like it? And he acted like I offended him somehow with the present. And it was like that EVERY YEAR. Until I finally stopped giving him anything.
exactly like my dad. he’s always expecting to receive something on his birthday and he’s never liked anything. and he doesn’t care about our birthdays, like he doesn’t greet or anything. so my siblings and i stopped giving him gifts on his birthday bc he can’t appreciate anything or anyone.
This sounds kind of similar to my mother AND my father. When I was young, like under age 13, I sent my father two cards for his birthday. The first year, I got a polite "thanks", the next year I was told he didn't like the specific cards I was sending and to not send them to him anymore, so I just never sent him anything again. They were just normal Hallmark cards, nothing really off about them. I didn't get it, wasn't trying to get it, so I moved on. My mother on the other hand, she's the type who literally acts like she hates her birthday, then gets upset when you don't do anything special for it, even though we'd start asking her a month in advance if she wanted to go anywhere or have any special food prepared for her or any specific gift. She'd always just say it's just another year and then act annoyed if anyone did get her something. My sister got a diamond bracelet one year and all my mother said was, "Thanks, but it was stupid to spend this much on a gift." My sister stopped sending anything after that. If my mother ever does want a gift, it's always highly expensive jewelry that she knows none of us can afford, so people stopped asking her what she wanted. Like, my sister literally got her what she's always asking for and then she's called stupid for buying it??? About two years ago, though, we stopped even asking her anything and have started treating it like another day, since that's what she's always saying. Now, she gets upset at us when we celebrate OUR birthdays and she sees us buying each other stuff or going out to lunch or dinner as a family. It's like, why do you care what we are doing? You're mad at us because we stopped making a big deal out of your birthday, even though you'd act like we were annoying you by even asking if you wanted to do anything. They're weird.
Being an abuse survivor, birthdays are a reminder of pain and rejection. It's just any other day. I'd rather not have anyone be fake, and use a birthday as a token. Love the people around you all other days.
I can't rightfully say that I know *exactly* how you feel but I do understand the sentiment. I don't want others knowing what my own birthday is because I'm not very keen on others making my birthday about themselves.
My ex didn't care about birthdays . Which meant he really didn't care about mine. I've just split up from my ex and my god I feel so negative right now
@@Bobcat665 huh?? That seems unhealthy lol, who makes someone elses birthday about themselves? Most people dont do that at all man, and if they do then you just know who to avoid
I love celebrating me on my birthday. From becoming a survivor most of my life to a thriver. I am a twin. So I’ve learned, by doing the work, that I am whole and complete by myself, while also being a twin. Earlier this month I took me and my twin out to eat for our birthday. We had great fun!! ❤️💯😁🙏
Hi Theresa, I am also a twin! Identical. I've been out of my narcissistically abusive relationship for two and a half years and I'm learning to thrive. And I'm learning how the twin relationship could have influenced me as I tried to replace her by bonding with someone in the same way that I did with her. I fell into relationships quickly and wasn't very discerning. I understand so much more thanks to Dr Ramani.. happy birthday to you and your twin!
@@denicesouza4387 I'm a twin, also, soo glad you are celebrating with your twin! Make it a point to do that every year! I list my twin this past September 😥 Our 55th birthday was in July... we traveled for 2 weeks doing silly stuff and visiting many places! I'm soo glad we had that trip together! Just 2 weeks later she was in the hospital and never came home.
My Dad always trashed mine and my siblings birthdays. I recall when I was eight years old and he found a way to get upset over literally nothing. Anyway, he slapped a two-pence piece on my desk and told me it was my birthday present ...and it was! I've always hated birthdays ever since because each one was traumatic in its own way ... although, I went to Sri Lanka for my 40th and spent it up Sigiriya. It broke the spell!
Dad turned the conversation to himself, ruined the last two(my) birthdays. He's history as far as I'm concerned! I can't be bothered! He nitpicked, after wastting my time waiting(no reason/apology for the delay), he acted as if it was his right to make me wait. I had to call him to get birthday wishes, I doubt he would have called me, he is a control freak and bully. I gave up on him and my life improves because of that! It's always predominantly about him. I can't be bothered with him for that and other reasons.(justified), he blames me for abusing me, he's a jerk. I deserve a better father.
I threw a large 30th Birthday Party for my Autistic Son. It was almost like a High School Reunion for him and his friends who were mostly Autistic, and had Down Syndrome and or in wheelchairs and so on….I really went all out and it was a celebration for all of his friends not just him. I even told all the parents that a gift is not needed….just to please come and I will provide everything. I’ll never forget my birth mother (as I refer to her now) saying to me as I was getting the clubhouse ready for the event….You really need to stop all of these birthday parties for him. He is an adult now and does not need all of these parties. I pretended to let it go in one ear and out the other, as I knew she was trying to pick a fight. The last time I had a party for him, if one can call it a party…It was on his 21st birthday and it was at his fave restaurant and it was just family and I paid for the whole check and tip. Funny how my baby sister had a big surprise 30th birthday party that my birth mother put together and that was okay?!? I stopped all communication with her since 2015. And life is so less Dramatic!
@@MrGoranPa um. She can absolutely celebrate her baby no matter how old he is. She can celebrate her child and not force him to do things he doesn't want to do. Real talk: you don't know this person or their child. You know NOTHING. Your pathetic, unsolicited opinion is pure shite. You're just a troll who came here solely to piss on someone's wheaties.
Wow! This is spot on. I was married to a narcissist who's birthday fell two days after mine. My birthday was so stressful for 17 years. I knew that 2 days after my birthday he would have a hissy fit because my friends would send me gifts and I would get more cards than he would. I’m so glad I can quietly enjoy or ignore my birthday now.
I’d say this goes for any celebration too. One of my friends has never had her husband want to celebrate anything for her like a promotion, birthday, graduation, etc. but he expected the minuscule accomplishments he had to have a parade.
My Mum & my sister were both like this! It wasn't until I saw this that it made sense. Mum has passed now & I've cut ties with the rest of my family. I spent a lifetime trying to get it right for both of them and never achieving it. I always dreaded their birthdays. Anything you gave was always dismissed in favour of some crappy gift bought by someone less relevant like a neighbour or a 'friend' they barely new. All those years of heartbreak explained in 10 minutes. I wish I'd known all this when it mattered. I wouldn't have bothered trying. Thank you!
I thought this oddness about birthdays was particular to my mother. She even made me dread my own birthday. It all makes sense now that this is normal behavior for many narcissists.
Same , literally turn my phone off and enjoy my day how I like to til the next , so scarred lol. Last year was my mom 50th, she spent the whole 2 months before saying no one cares, if you get her something you’re faking it … didn’t want to.. whatever. When the day came it was so so weird .. couldn’t even stomach the cake how bitter she made everythingGod bless our moms please save them
I had a friend that I called at midnight to wish a happy birthday, sang to her and talked with her for 20 minutes. The next day I bought her a small gift, some candy and a card and attended her birthday lunch with her family. I went home and immediately had to leave to celebrate another birthday which she knew about ahead of time. Mind you, we are adults (27 yrs old) She sulked the entire way home, and treated me as if I completely ruined her birthday because I didn’t plan her a grand surprise for the rest of the evening. She admitted she had made up a scenario in her head that I had an entire night planned to celebrate her and she gave me hell when it didn’t happen. What the heck?! I cut the friendship off shortly after. Side note: a few months before her birthday, she complained about how terrible all of her previous birthdays had been. I now understand that she will never be happy. I can’t understand the mindset of narcissists.
Have you ever thought that maybe she had bad birthdays and she wanted you to celebrate her like I understand where she could be a narcissist but also it’s like if she told you a month before she’s had terrible birthdays maybe she was telling you a month prior because she was hoping someone would care enough to give her a good birthday and it made her really disappointed when once Again another year nobody did
@@moonchild913 I can see your point! I agree with you, however I didn’t initially mention that her family made reservations at her favorite restaurant, she received a ton of money and nice expensive gifts from friends and family. She was surrounded with friends and family from the morning up until around 7pm (I left around 6). She had a really nice birthday, she decided to pull a guilt trip for many other reasons that I didn’t share on this thread.
Growing up my narcissistic sister got these lavish and expensive birthdays and I essentially had to fight for pizza and a movie rental sleepover with friends. I litterally wrote in my diary that I didn't think my mother loved me as much as my sister because she never put any energy onto me. As an adult I understand that she was worn thin by my sister and she had no money or energy left for me, but it still hurts.
I’m glad you realized it wasn’t you. She was probably internally relieved that she didn’t have to destroy herself and find the money to deal with you and how you weren’t a stressful basket case.
I think birthdays need to be celebrated. I love celebrating my families birthdays and often celebrate their days over the weekend for my kids. My family also puts on a thoughtful meal and cake for me. I feel it’s just a memory and it’s precious- the kids love it.
Why is a birthday such a big deal. I can't stand my family member who always makes such a big deal out of a birthday. Get a cake and have a small gathering of family and don't make such a big deal. Kids love it because you taught them to. Be more humble.
@@networth00that's not accurate. The video doesn't say only narcs are like that. Some people love their birthday because their parents never celebrated it. Some people like it because their parents didnt love them at all and this is their way of feeling loved. Some people like it because culture likes birthdays. It's not about being humble. It's good to celebrate and feel loved by those you love. Actually, you telling somebody else be to humble over something like this makes you seem bitter, not humble.
Last year was the best birthday I have had in a long time, I decided to go out without my narcissistic partner. So when I got home that evening he decided to say “Why would you celebrate without me? I may have had something planned for you!” I asked him “well did you?” His response “no but you didn’t know that.” So a couple of days before his birthday I say “ Guess what I’m getting you for your birthday?” 🥳 He was all smiles 😁 just a cheesing from ear to ear... and he says “um, um I don't know. What are you getting me?”... I said, “the same thing you got me for my birthday 🎉 “. He thought about it and that smile disappeared quickly ( he didn't get me anything on my birthday) and I started to lmao 🥳🎉🤭😂🤣😂🤣😂... It was just a small victory in this hell I'm currently living in but it sure was empowering 💃🏽🤗😉
My ex had “two birthdays”. On his actual birthday, two years I was with him, I couldn’t get anything right and he spent most of the day mad at me. I went WAY out of my way both times. Out of love, and out of fear (since he had mentioned a million times how important his bday is to him). His “second birthday” is actually his adoption day and I’d forgotten as I’m not used to people having 2 bdays. After I realized what day it was I told him we should go out to dinner, told him to pick anywhere, and he chose Applebees. After we left all he did was complain and say I ruined his “birthday” and he didn’t even want to eat there, AND that he would never eat there again. My friend that works at that Applebees told me he and his new gf go in there regularly. Everything you do will be wrong, and everything they do is to torture you. The end.
He wanted his wife to celebrate the day his parents adopted him? Shouldn't that have been something he did with his parents? He wasn't your child. My husband and his sister are both adopted and as adults they no longer celebrate it.
What is it with these people trying to have two birthdays!? My narc also wanted to celebrate the birthday of a character she made based on herself for a fictional story....and got mad i didn’t give her a card that day...
I have read several stories of narcissistic mothers turning their children's birthdays into "the anniversary of when I gave birth to you" and completely co-opt the day into their day, expecting presents from all her kids, basically making each of her kid's birthdays into Mother's Days as well has having actual Mother's Day and their own Birthdays.
I always wish moms happy labor day immediately after the birthday wishes. Not because anyone told me to, I've just always thoughts it's a nice acknowledgment of the pain and suffering moms go through bringing you into the world.
This is exactly how my poor stepkids are treated by their mom who spends the whole party telling stories about how hard it was while she was pregnant with them.
I know a mother who expects the child to be wished a happy birthday and expects to be invited over to cake. Man I pulled that tooth very fast. Yes thanks for giving life, yes it's hard but it's not your birthday and the birthday person should get the cake!
You learn who cares about you on your birthday, i truly believe your birthday is the test. If your family gives full attention to other members of the family but nothing for yours, it's definitely a power move.
I had a significant birthday last year, Dad did a little bit, but acted as if he was put out, he wasted my time. No more of that, I went no contact this Easter. He's a bully, insecure and immature, not worth the little time he bothers, and wants excessive prasise. He doesn't get that praise. His loss, my gain: self-respect/love and relief not to be his landfill for his toxic trash!
When I first got married, I liked having my birthday acknowledged by my husband. He would do the minimum. I would always make big deals about his birthdays. Every year, my husband would do less and less for my birthday. I became more and more upset. Finally I dreaded my birthday as I knew my husband would make the effort to care less and less. This was a symptom of the larger issues of our marraige. I am now so happy to not have a husband who used my bday to punish me for something. Birthdays are meaningful for some and meaningless for others. Treat each person accordingly. Don’t use it as a tool for pain.
@@PlaywithDaisy maybe. Perhaps I expected too much by being the breadwinner, homekeeper, and stable influence. I should have been happy to give everything and get nothing in return. Oh wait, I did get complaints about how he had to do laundry once a week. But maybe that was fair since he didn’t work and stayed up partying with friends every night. Yeah you are right. It was my fault. :) so much happier now wo him though:)
@@PlaywithDaisy so if she didn't work she would be the problem? I don't think a person has to say everything single thing that they do to win over someone. It was clear that she felt neglected and he made it a point to not care about her. We have to really understand the difference between conditional and unconditional love.
This is a good one to cover. I had a narc that acted like her birthday was a national holiday. It was so annoying. And you are right, it was weird yr after yr. She would try to get me caught up by doing something for mine, so that I was obligated to be on the hook for hers. I hated it!!! I'm so glad she's not my friend anymore!
As a child I used to be pretty excited and loved celebrating my birthday with friends...and loved the one day admiration and validation I got for that just one day. But sadly eventually over the years as I grew up, i slowly hating my birthday as it would bring up a lot of tension, insults and later on verbal and physical abuse. My extremely narcissist parents made me feel guilty obligated as if a big favour is being done by them for simple gestures like bringing a cake or by remembering the day. I remember crying my eyes out due to the verbal abuses thrown out by my narcissistic mother as I would beg her to stop for just one day As a result of all this now I celebrate my birthday on my own....giving a myself a treat or whatever I love doing with no narcissistic obligations. I hope slowly I am able to heal from this and make peace with it.
I resonate 💚I do exactly the same thing. Make myself feel special and appreciate that I made another year. So sorry you had those experiences too🙏May you continue to heal and grow stronger.
I had a friend who I'm sure is a narcissist. She always made a point that her birthdays sucked when she was a kid and that she wanted to turn that around in her adult life. When she was about to turn 30 she expected people to pay for a venue, band, food and alcohol. She talked about it for 2 years. It didn't happen because of the pandemic but mainly because she had saved up 0 cents for it and nobody else wanted to pay for it. However I treated her with a day at the spa and while it wasn't perfect in her eyes she was content anyway. Kind of grumpy that I didn't take her to dinner as well but ffs I'm poor and can't splurge. We're not friends anymore because she uses and abuses her friends.
It might be true that she was a victim of neglect and that made her a narcissist or she might have been spoied and ungreatful for what she did have. She is certainly ungreatful today.
@@catwitdabigdog1642 That is true. She was neglected as a child by both her parents. Her father didn't even cook for her but instead left her money to buy food. She was like 7 so she bought candy and ate candy for dinner all the time while he was away at work. But from her teenage years and onwards she had a village so to speak that would help her. And she took us for granted because everyone owed her that in her mind. Her car broke down? Just complain about it until someone fixes it for her. Her laptop broke? Complain until someone lends her their laptop (that she would keep.) She has no food? Maybe don't tell anyone that she bought snacks instead of food so someone will buy her dinner. Has no money left for rent? Time to beg for money from mom or dad but neglect to tell them she has money, she just intended to spend them on clothes and shoes. It just goes on and on. I must have been very lonely to put up with that for 10 years.
When I was about 17, my little brother and I tried to organise a surprise 50th birthday party for my mum. She's like the people you described in the video who pretend they hate their birthday and respond to any presents or congratulatory comments with contempt, but who would also go into total victim-mode if anyone forgot, so we genuinely (naively) thought organising a lovely big fuss for her with all her family and friends would make her happy. We began the preparations in secret, but one day, my mum found our list of names and to-dos, and realised what we were doing. She was furious - she had a huge fight with my dad about not stopping us from doing this terrible thing, shouted at us, and then gave us the huffy silent treatment and dirty looks for a while. We had to call everyone on the list and tell them the party was off, which was not a pleasant task, especially when they asked why. To soothe our tears, my dad (who has always tried to make excuses for her) explained to us that we'd simply invited some relatives she didn't like to the party (we weren't aware of the politics), and that she was probably upset because she didn't want to see people she disliked, or for them to know her real age. I remember thinking even then that this was strange... Because even if we were presumptuous in planning a party for her, surely the kind thing to do would be to simply sit us down and tell us that gently? She could have said that, although she appreciated the thought, and understood we were just trying to do something nice for her, this wasn't what she wanted? It baffles me now, as a mum myself, as to how she could rail against her own children and punish them with her coldness. We were just kids - how she could presume bad intentions when it so clearly was an innocent mistake? All the same, I remember feeling so bad and guilty for ages after that. I felt like we'd done something really awful, and that our mum thought less of us because of it. I realise now that it had nothing to do with us, and that her reaction said more about her own issues than our worth as children. It's a huge relief now to see things from this point of view, so thanks @DoctorRamani for everything you do. You really do change lives. ❤️
Did the same thing at the suggestion of his friend (a friend who didn’t even go to the last-minute surprise birthday party) and he was so angry and told me that he had hated surprises and hated celebrating birthdays (which I had no idea was the case as we were only together for less than a month at that time) and we’ve been together for a while now yet he always brings up about how I managed to make his birthday about myself because I apparently, threw the surprise party for my happiness not his? Even I would never wish that kind of last-minute planning and hassle on anyone.
This so resonates with me. My old boss and I had a very good relationship. She also loves parties! When she was turning 40 I began planning something with a mix of work colleagues and her family whom I knew. They were all game. She found , freaked out and made me call everyone and cancel. Even her dad expressed to her disappointment with her behavior and inappreciativeness. I did not realize then she was a narcissist. It took a few years and other actions on her part for me to fully understand this is what she was. This birthday video and comment really brought that incident home lol
I'm sorry you had to go through that and probably many more incidents where your mother hurt you as a child. I hope you are doing okay now as an adult! God bless you ♥️!
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for the insight and understanding that you have made possible over the past years. I turned 60 this month. The last birthday that I actually celebrated was when I was nine years old. My dad was still alive back then and I remember that he baked me my last birthday cake. After the death of my dad, my mother decided to celebrate herself on my birthday. Her argumentation was that I didn't do anything on the day I was born...she did. She expected me to treat her to dinner at the least, also expecting praise and thanks for "giving me life". If children are shamed, have their will broken and their wings clipped like I did (along with all the others unfortunate enough to be born into an environment with a narcessistic parent) you learn to withdraw into yourself, be a server and helper and not see much value in yourself. I knew something was not normal but I didn't know what it was and I had no idea on how to bring about a change. She took me out of school at 14 although I was a good student and loved to learn...never let a narcessist know how much you enjoy something...it will be taken from you - from the very people who claim to love you. My grandfather was a narcessist, no help there. My grandmother was a victim too...no help there either. After 3 years of being my moms servant at home ( and receiving snide and unkind remarks by outsiders on why I wasn't in school and why don't I work?) God stepped in to touch my situation. I ended up going to school as a young adult and becoming successful in a very good job. She bragged that it was due to her that this was possible...of course. She sabotaged and shamed me where she could...and due to this mindset she created, I ended up not going through doors that were offered to me and self-sabotaged myself. I decided early that I didn't want to get married or have a family...that I would just stay single and serve my church, my family and community. I had one moment, where I was open to the thought of marriage. Of course my queen mum was not amused. She shamed, belittled and made fun of me. My husband was rather shocked and asked why I put up with such behavior. She was not present when I got married - at age 45 (!) - and I am relieved to this very day that she wasn't. God blessed my husband and me with a healthy son...a true miracle baby, considering I only had a 1 percent chance of even becoming a mom...I have the best husband I could wish for and an amazing, talented and kind son. The wait was well worth it. Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for your wonderful, heartfelt and helpful videos. They have been a big help to me on my healing journey, which started soon after my mother's death 10 years ago...and continues to do so💝
Your experience with your mum made me cry. I'm so happy to read you are healing and married a good person -- and had your miracle baby! Happy belated birthday and many more!
My narcissistic abuser has always carried on about their birthday saying things like dont get me anything for my birthday, mainly because his expectations are way beyond my bank balance. After 20 years of doing my best with gifts etc last year i wouldn't even wish him happy birthday.... that hit him hard and it took him days before he asked why and i said well you carry on about not wanting anything so i gave you your wish...... his only reply was what not even a happy birthday and my reply was well becareful what you ask for or it will come true.....😂😂😂
My ex-friend (emphasis on the “ex”) was exactly like this. She literally slept through my college graduation ceremony because it wasn’t important enough to her to write the date on her calendar and set an alarm clock. But, a few years later, she was planning a big birthday outing for herself and her friends that included brunch and a spa. Was her 38th - not even a milestone birthday. I could only go to the brunch and told her that I had to back out of the spa portion of the day but I still bought a gift and card for her and called her the day of to wish her happy birthday. She was so mad at me for backing out of the spa portion that she told me to forget about coming to the brunch and she then ghosted me for six months after that. Even after we finally reconnected, things were tense between us and I could tell that she still hadn’t forgiven me for “forgetting” her birthday, but that she had conveniently forgotten that she did actually forget my graduation. Our friendship finally ended for good shortly thereafter.
You're spot on Dr. Ramani. I've been married to my current narcissist for 15 years. I just learned a few years ago that there is a personality disorder called NPD. And, my husband has all the symptoms, to a very large degree. Before I knew he had this disorder I noticed that he was ridiculously childish and mean on this birthday. I can recall thinking, what in the world is wrong with him? About three months before his birthday he starts reminding me of the date. He will tell me what he wants, and how excited he is about his birthday. It doesn't matter what kind of gift he is given or how wonderful his special day is - he always gets very upset. It's like he is totally nuts. He is depressed for several weeks afterward. It's pretty wild to watch. And, of course, I am his scape goat. My personal opinion is that my husband wants to be worshipped. The kind of worship that not even God Almighty wants from people. It's pretty sickening.
It’s interesting that in the Bible the original narcissist is Satan the devil, who wanted to be worshipped instead of God… and in fact invented celebrating birthdays! Birthdays come from false religion and the only two birthdays mentioned in the Bible are when prophets of God were murdered. Also birthdays are a central part of Satan worship… just interesting…
worship is a very good term. they need it to support their false self to survive, because a false self can't stand on its own. When this illusion breaks, all the fragmentation of the true self come up and can produce a state of deep depression, anger or a delusional state
Thank you for this very eye-opening analysis. My ex once gave me a chocolate bar for my birthday in place of a cake because he "didn't know how" to order a cake and said that I should appreciate his effort. On the other hand, I always went all out to order a special cake for him on his birthday and made sure he felt special. The week after he told me that he was leaving me for a woman he met in a bar because they liked the same kind of music, he told me that he was going to celebrate with her on his actual birthday at "their" bar, then come back to the house the next day so that I could treat him to his fancy birthday cake. He could not figure out why I refused . . . been divorced for 6 years and have never been happier.
In recent years, I’ve made it a point to take a couple of days off from work to reflect and relax for my birthday. I do let other people know, but I don’t have high expectations of people to go all out. I was disappointed that I didn’t hear from two people I considered friends. However, I realize that life happens and it’s easy to forget as we get older. As someone who’s primary love language is that of receiving (and giving) gifts…I love celebrating birthdays! I don’t understand a person who gets mad on their birthday. Life is too precious and way too short!
I knew my ex was a narcissist when he refused to spend my birthday celebrating with me. I went out on my own with friends and refused to let him get me down. I later found out he was at a different party and slept with someone else without telling me. Previously, he had refused to spend New Year’s Eve with me, then Valentine’s Day, and his own birthday also. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I have a fiancé now and he spends every important date with me without even needing to be asked. He actually enjoys my company I guess, what a concept! 🤷♀️
I refused to spend new years and Valentine's day with my ex , I earn lots on new years and I was working valentines , but I made him a gift and gave it to him the day after , I got nothing
@@karenwilliams5941 one narc ex of mine had a gift in each pocket. I could only choose one: sexy underwear was one, the other was chocolate golf balls, meaning if I ate the candy, my butt would develp cellulite similar to a golf ball texture. Aren't these stories fun to hear?
@@coolwater55 that was part of it, but he also did other things, such as telling me not to speak or laugh in public because I embarrassed him, making fun of the way I dressed or expressed myself to the point where I changed my style completely to his wishes, and he made flippant remarks when I opened up to him about a cancer scare.
I had a narcissistic family member ghost me for 2 years after they stole money, then out of the blue, they send me an email reminding me it was their birthday. I was dumbfounded at the time but now I understand why.
This hits home. I ended my relationship w/ my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex on his birthday it got so bad. It landed on a Thursday, I had work in the AM, and we already had plans for Saturday for his birthday. I wanted to stay in and go to bed, but he didn't. I ended up attempting to go out, but he was still bitching in the passenger seat of my car on the way out and I snapped. kicked him out of my car onto the side of the road and I went back home, went to bed, woke up, went to work, and moved out that afternoon. One of my proudest moments. Fuck em
there was also a complete meltdown after he stormed into the apt after walking back. threw all my stuff everywhere while terrifying my cat and me. unbelievable.
Nice! My Narc ex girlfriend made my birthday an awful experience when she had promised it would be a great day together. Update… my birthday and the one year anniversary of her ruining the last one was this weekend and I got an opportunity to tell her in a way that she couldn’t portray herself as a victim, how awful she was and how I didn’t miss her at all or ever want to be with her or anyone like her ever again. Then I got to block her which is really satisfying for someone who has been discarded in the past.
They drive you to that extreme. Slow clap for you. They were probably stunned on the side of the road. I love that you went to bed and slept so well.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That was me Leah and that's not how it went down. But if you want to post stuff on RUclips to make yourself feel better I say enjoy your sad little life. Another trait of a narcissist is to tell outlandish stories to make people feel sorry for them. Hey Leah, indeed, fuck em
Omggggggggg yessssssssss!!!! … girl I’m having anxiety now thinking about childrens father bday … ITS TODAY July 31 girrrl I left him a week ago … I already he expects me to say or do something for his birthday lmaoo I’m in a whole another state! But it’s still making me anxious i use to over plan every year for 6yrs …. That’s some ungrateful shit considering you had to go to work and you still tried doing something even tho you had something planned smhhhh that’s good that was your breaking point to leave!
My mother passed almost five years ago, and I STILL feel anxious, concerned, and fearful leading up to her birthday. My sister and I tried so hard, every year, even when we were just children, to meet her expectations. The trouble is, we didn't know what those expectations were... So we were doomed to fail. And to have her gimlet-eyed 'disappointment' shine down upon us.
My ex Narc husband was turning 40 so I asked him if he wanted a party. He said no, no, no right up until a few days before then he threw a tantrum and wanted a party. Me knowing how he is about his birthday I arranged a surprise party. He was unbearable right up until the room opened up and everyone yelled surprise!!! He switched instantly to Mr Wonderful while I went to the bar and had several stiff drinks. I later found out that he had rang around the family and complained to them how everyone had forgotten his special day not knowing about the surprise party. No matter what I did for his Bday it wasn’t right. I only had one party in my life and he did everything to spoil it for me. I still hate that man so much for spoiling every special day in my life!
I can see why he's an ex... The part about him switching to his charming personality gave me chills. I wish you many, many joyful and drama-free special occasions!
My mum counts how many cards she has and compares them to the year before or says 'I bet nobody else gets that many cards'. She also reels off a list of all the presents she has been given. For my own birthday this year we spent it with me running her around town to appointments for her. I bought myself my favourite cheese and a bread roll for lunch and sat in the garden to eat it, 2 bites in she had dropped something in the kitchen that she needed me to clear up immediately (she of course stood there telling me I was doing it wrong.) After telling me 'maybe I have better birthdays than you' when I said this wasn't how I wanted to spend my birthday I walked out. I held it together until she was still making digs at me as I walked to my car, I told her to eff off and called her a selfish bitch. Today is my first day of no contact, I don't think she's even realised yet.
@@Daniel-Q.-Phantom-esq. Like a weight off my shoulders. She called yesterday to ask if I was giving her a lift to the hospital next week and to say that I had had a go at her over nothing. I put the phone down.
@onewomanandherdog5219 good for you stay strong! I know how hard it is and the guilt you can feel and just forgive them. But when you start healing it gets much easier. Love yourself and know your worth 💛
Wow, sorry to hear that. I am surprised that she even keeps count of cards from last year. IT's kind of sad to see someone's mind just ruining themselves and getting them upset over nothing.
After 30 seconds to a minute after asking me how/what I am doing, my narc dad turns the conversation to himself. I don't deal with him(barely, now, not at all).
I’ll never forget being extremely sick on one of my ex’s birthdays. We had to celebrate it late because I had the flu or something. 6 months later when it was my birthday he told me he purposely ruined the day and was mean to me “because I ruined his birthday first.”
I'd ignore her, maybe she'll get the hint, that is doubtful. My dad won't be hearing from me on Father's Day anymore. He's a jerk. I deserve better than him for a father!
Of all days to release this video, it’s on my birthday…yikes. I know I am recovering/healing from narcissistic relationship experiences but honestly this is making me step back to reflect on my own behavior from years past and how to look at this year and beyond too. Thanks for this gift Dr. Ramani.
Thank you so much@@DoctorRamani! This means so much coming from you! You are one of my biggest inspirations, I’ve learned so much from you, and I hope to work in mental health one day and use your work as a compass to guide my healing and potential career paths moving forward.
I always feel a little guilty on my birthday because usually nobody cares, but then someone will always ask me what I did. It's like they don't like hearing that I didn't celebrate it with anyone. I always do something for myself - go for a nice drive, eat lots of my favourite food, or something like that, but I rarely spend it with anyone. I feel like I have to live up to others' expectations, like it's supposed to be this great day where I go out on a date and then have a party with a bunch of people or something.
You don't owe them anything! Go ahead and enjoy your birthdays, I order dinner delivered and talk with my friends and my mom/her family, who cares. Dad doesn't care!(barely, and resents doing that, he's pathetic!)
No matter what I did for the narc’s birthday, it was never enough…even if it was EXACTLY what he asked for. Lots of sulking. I remember one time he felt slighted because I got him the “WRONG” chocolate cake. Of course, my birthday was regularly ignored or sabotaged.
Well if you listened you'd know it was the silk chocolate they wanted...SMH I'm kidding but have been there and how dare they treat anyone like that. Blessings 💜
I got him gifts, he'd return some, or ask what makes you think I'd like that. My birthday was forgotten. 2nd narc took great pleasure telling me the birthday gift I got him broke, because he left it out in a near tornado......uh, thanks? I said nothing, just heard his delight in telling me about it.
My ex is weird about birthdays! For his bday, he is king! A celebrity!! He would buy his own lavish gifts, but act offended when I didn't get him much (we shared a bank account and he made most of the money, and he controlled 100% of the money). He took a whole bday month. He was always so ungrateful for the gifts that others would buy for him. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that anymore... but still to some extent he expects me to get him gifts "from the kids" 🙄 I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach a few weeks before his bday.
Yep. As the non-narcissistic child, my birthdays always took a back seat to my sisters. I'd get complaints about having 2-3 friends over for movie and pizza while my older sister got trips to Banff, a rented hot tub and an expensive 5 star restaurant. My childhood journal is filled with these inequities, and although hindsight makes me understand it to be more squeaky wheel than favoritism, it still hurts.
My experience exactly. For their 21st, both my sisters got nice parties thrown for them at restaurants (one very very expensive). I got a casserole at my parents. My mum then went on about how delicious her casserole was for the rest of the night. And yes, I am the middle child too.
Well, I would prompt my mom about a week before as I preferred her cheesecake (cream cheese & canned cherries, so easy!) to a store bought cake. Lucky I was the first winter bday. My poor sisters were about 9 or 10 years apart, but birthdays were only 3 days apart. My narc mother consistently "forgot" the oldest birthday and spoiled the youngest. It was painful to see the neglect. Until my older sister moved put at 18 & suddenly my mom was sending "Care" packages 800 miles away to a daughter she barely acknowledged when she lived at home.
🤗🤗🤗 so sorry you had to experience this. Now you can celebrate 🎊 🎉you when ever you’re ready! Happy Birthday 🎂🎁🎊🎉 for all the birthday’s you were cheated out of!
sounds very much like my experience growing up....it takes its toll because we obviously see the difference, we get crumbs while they get the works. Disgusting!
8:16 time stamp. The "malignant" narcissist. Listening up to this point, I began doubting that he fit the mold because he wants his birthday ignored. Which really takes away from others in the family enjoying their birthday. If you don't want to make mention of it, fine. But don't spoil it for everyone else. My 2020 birthday will never be forgotten. it was a compete horrid day, thanks to him.
Reading all these comments of everyone’s stories is just chilling to me. It’s helpful and validating that everyone has had such similar experiences as I have had but just absolutely terrifying how many narcissists are out there. Thank you Dr Ramani for these videos. I can’t even explain how helpful it is to have so many explanations for the different types of abuse
I'm frustrated by how much denial there is still out there in the world, given how many of us seem to have had these experiences -- I'm so sick of the flying monkeys, the enablers -- some of them will fight to keep you trapped in that relationship, caring for the elder narcissist, so that THEY don't have to deal with it
How come all the narcissists are out there? Yet I’ve never seen anyone admit to being one. I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks you are a narcissist. We should all focus on being the best version of ourselves, and giving grace rather judging and pointing fingers.
Great video. My best friend of 15+ years was a narcissist before I finally got smart and removed that nonsense from my life. Every year before her birthday she would start talking about "the big day", and how she wanted to celebrate on a grand scale. Sometimes that meant flying to a destination and other times it meant a group dinner with gifts, music, etc. If she could have arranged fireworks, trust me, she would have. And if anyone dared to somehow forget her birthday she would fly into a rage. This is my take: For a narcissist, the day they enter the world is the most important day of the year. Don't you dare question that, either.
This is so TRUE ! Family members in their 60’s STILL act like total babies about their birthdays. And expect everyone to praise them and fawn all over them , so ridiculous.
I have a sister who is 36 years old. Her birthday is in the end of May and the whole month is her birthday month to celebrate. No joke it will May 1st and she will be so rude to people and when asked why she will respond with "it's my birthday this month so this month is all about me". She is my mother's favorite child so my mother thinks it's cute and quirky when she acts like that. It gets worse the closer the days get to her birthday. Even the last week of the month which is when her birthday has already passed she is still expecting people to treat her like a princess.
I made myself ill over birthdays and Christmas with worry that it didn’t matter what I did ,how special I made it that I felt like I’d done something wrong . He would say oh I’m just not used to anyone caring about my birthday …we’d been together 20 years and I’d always made a big effort .Always said he loved Christmas too but it was a very stressful time for me knowing no matter what I did something wasn’t quite right . This has given me a little peace knowing it probably wasn’t me in the wrong .
It is amazing how so many people who are strangers have had almost the exact same experience with a narcissist.
Unbelievable.
Narcissists are so weird in that they are very cookie cutter. It doesn't matter the age, gender, religion, nationality or race.
You can almost predict what they'll do and how they'll do it
It’s a Spirit
Like they are a species of their own .
Interesting point. Well spotted
It has boiled down to this for me; they ruin everything. A day, an event, an appointment, a weekend, a vacation, whatever. I'm glad I'm old enough to claim to be a hermit and just go about my life now. Other people's drama has left me drained.
I'm understanding all of this now! Everything! Parties!Gigs! Things get ruined! With clinical precision. I recognize the chain of events whenever I appear to be happy in front of my narc. I check each box in sequence as it all pours down like silver! Except now I relish my own life enough to see my narc for what they are. My secret name to myself is Lord Grey Rock.
Your wedding!! Nothing is beyond a narcs ability to try to destroy. So, so, sick.
@@lawrencefeldman7744 awesome!!! Lol 👑
Yeah they ruin everything. You cant tell them your fav items cause they'll destroy it. If you have an interview or important event, they wont let you sleep. Anything you get them for their bday is not good enough. Fuck them!
@@brittbot1 you have to cut them out of your life or have razor sharp boundaries. This is why I haven’t been back home in years. 😬
Oh boy!!! This is the first true test if someone is a narc. They try their best to ruin your birthday and get extra dramatic about their own.
Exactly!!
Facts
TRUTH
Truth!
💯
It’s hard to wrap my head around that kind of behavior because the attention from birthdays always just made me uncomfortable, even as a kid
I appreciate people who says happy birthday but that is enough, I mean.... We dont need to make a big fuss out of it
Same.
Agreed!
Having to listen to a room full of people sing "Happy Birthday" to me is an unbearable 30 seconds lol
@@flashypork Indeed. I'd have to walk out!
This is so relatable. My narc ex and I had birthdays only a few days apart, with his being before mine. Every year, same thing. On his day, there would be cake, gifts, candles, lots of good wishes, his favourite food, etc. When mine came a few days later - nothing. If I said anything, or asked about my celebration, he would say, 'we celebrated for both of us on my birthday' which of course, wasn't the case. We celebrated him on his birthday, then mine just got swept under the rug every year. Glad to be out of that situation.
Sorry that happened 🥺. Hope You have better ones moving forward
What an asshat. glad you.left. 💜
Maybe you should’ve told him you wanted them celebrated separately. We guys can be kinda dumb about that stuff sometimes. If it were me, I’d just do everything on my gf’s bday. It really wouldn’t matter to me either way 😂
@@stormwilliams3347 It's assumed that birthdays are celebrated on the date of birth of the person whos celebrating, so why should he be told? does he not know how birthdays work?
@@sprocastersprocaster idk.. I’m unconventional I guess. Everyone has different views on that type of stuff. Who knows
I'm now realizing the reason I dread birthdays and special occasions isn't just the ominous and looming aging aspect, it's being used to having them get ruined by narcs
Same
They can actually make me physically ill. I know why but still cant control it.
Right?
Yup. Same
I agree! Birthdays are terrible and giving flowers and wishes shouldn't be mandatory. Same with other holidays. When everybody is dressed up and the car is ready to go and mom plops on the couch, turns on the TV, and says "We're not going anywhere today. Take off your clothes and relax." Relax? Relatives are waiting for us, food is all cooked, and you want me to relax with so much tension at home?
I have so many friends who celebrate their “birthday month” and “treat” themselves the whole 30 or so days and constantly remind everyone via social media. I think we live in a narcissistic society.
I have been thinking the same, and now keep all narcissistic people out of my personal space, avoid them in public and have learned to fire doctors, bankers and mechanics with tendencies.
I would call this immaturity, maybe ignorance. Celebrating the "month" has become a socially acceptable excuse for doing things we wouldn't do otherwise.
Healthy birthday month celebration’s are not bad, it’s the context of that celebration that can be unhealthy. Just my perspective on it. But yes I do wholeheartedly agree with you on that we live in a very narcissistic society 👍
@@michwashington There is nothing “healthy “ about an adult celebrating their birthday for an entire month. It’s the epitome of narcissism. 🤦♀️
I think it's low class for people that tell me over and over again, don't forget it's my birthday in September or whatever month, and then they say it again and again and it's followed by so let's get together. I've been overly generous to these folks and I started to think they are expecting me to pay for all of our festivities all night. Do they act like that for my birthday? Do they remember when it is? Not. I need to treat them like they treat me from now on..not givers, they don't reciprocate so why just be the giver, the lifter the one they go to to cry on my shoulder? They don't have time to listen to my stuff..
done
Nothing you ever do for them will ever be enough.
A narcissists birthday is the most monumental day in the history of the world. It's the day when the golden elite was born. All bow.
Agree. My sister began this at a very young age. Less than 10 years old. My narc mother fed into it and my sister celebrated her birthday for basically a month. I was born in December and got half a day, lol. Seen the same in other narcs. One person I've known for 30 years, I've stopped wishing Happy Birthday at all and I'm sure he's bewildered. I know he's purposely not acknowledged mine so I'm returning the favor.
It’s their birthday month, don’t forget about that.
Lol, very true😂
On her birthday celebration she was so happy! Two days before my birthday she broke up with me I was devastated!
@@RayGonzales-o2v Be happy she’s out of your life. There are others amongst us where the horror will never finish.
I had my birthday last week and I went and got myself good dinner and had it alone in my room, and it made me extremely happy.
Edit: Thank you so much for all your positive messages and birthday messages. You made me happy one month after the comment.
Happy Belated Birthday!!
Just go tell your parents u love them on your birthday haha what u doing blacking out at bar
@@sadhu7191 having dinner by yourself is blacking out at a bar?
Perfecto :) says a lot about u that u are not complaining and also u are strong
Yes! That is how I prefer my bday these days.
One of her birthdays I was determined to hit it out of the park - to do right all the things I usually "do wrong." After the special card starting the day, then the farmer's market, babysitting arranged, reservation made at nice restaurant, and time on the beach at the end. I felt I finally did it right. She cried because I didn't have the kids make cards.
Goddamn.
Oh my god. That is ridiculous.
You went above and beyond, if no one has told you that yet.
😂
Did you tell her to blame her lazy, uncaring, selfish kids for not making her cards? Then you could bond over the ensuing punishment you unleash on them.
Wooooooooooow. I hope you're kidding. Otherwise, clearly nothing is ever enough so why bother. It's never enough to make her happy. Clearly.
On my 40th birthday, none of my family really even acknowledged it. But then, we were out someplace about two months later, and my ex starts bragging about how he through me this huge birthday party for me on my birthday and how much fun it was. I just remember looking at him, and asking who or which woman did he take, because I didn't even get a Happy Birthday on my birthday? A month later I took my kids and went to a DV shelter at the recommendation of my therapist.
I'll bet your ex is elated.
@@barronvonschneider2834 I bet your demons inside of you elated keeping you toxic.
On my 30 birthday today they make salty comments like you are old now, or I in your age had 2 kids and build a home ... Nothing positive just to make you to feel worse and worthless ...
I remember this happened to a good friend of mine I was not in the same state... But she literally cried to me that no one threw her a freaking birthday party for a huge milestone birthday 😢 it was either her 40 or 50, I literally cannot remember...she was especially sad bc her own "best friend" did literally NOTHING for her huge milestone birthday either, which was really odd. I was so sad for her because she hosted SO MANY PARTIES over the years and we all hung out at her house. It made me realize that whole group of friends were kinda self centered and fair weather friends, and I told her if I had been in town I would have.
I find that mine never gave me even a card so I threw it back and still will but hopefully soon it'll be dead ..😊
My ex narcissist husband scarred me in the very early dating stage. We were college students. On his birthday I surprised him with flowers at a bookstore he worked for. He was so angry that I was there. I was shocked and hurt and very confused on the subway ride home. He wanted me to read his mind. He wanted me to take him out to dinner and didn’t like what I did. I thought he would be happy to see me. The humiliation alone should have been my moment to walk away but I was so naive back then.
How long were you married to that a-hole? What a bad behaviour, poor you! I can only guess how you felt.
I saw a meme once. If you put flowers in an a$$ hole it doesn’t make him a vase. Some folks just can’t cope with wonderful
What a fricken shit thing he did…that’s super nasty…
My narc friend is nowhere close to that bad, yet his life completely fell apart over 20 years. I hate to think how much you went through with your guy. My niece has the perfect personality to get preyed on by one of these insects. I'm trying to figure out how to prevent it.
@@rob6115 Thank you for making me laugh. with that hilarious meme.
Can you believe my covert narcissist ex acted NORMAL on my birthday last year. Like that was my gift.. he cosplayed as a decent person, a “normal” partner for that day. Kissing me throughout the day randomly (never ever kissed or hugged me for any reason), being thoughtful, took me shopping at my favorite store. When he would come over and randomly kiss me that day I remember feeling super suspicious and weird. My mother is a covert narc and was the same way, her random moments of affection were bizarre and unprovoked etc so I had the same reaction of freezing up, looking around the room visibly confused etc. I straight up asked him “what’s with the kissing hugging etc today?” He really said with a straight face “it’s your birthday!!!” SO YOU KNEW HOW TO BEHAVE ALL THIS TIME AND GIFTED ME A DAY OF NORMALCY FOR MY BIRTHDAY?!?! they’re sick , I’m sorry
Cosplaying being normal lol. I was trying to explain to someone recently that it was actually the positive moments or “normal” moments that were the most confusing. Like, the craziness seemed obviously but everything else made the craziness seem less crazy, if that makes sense
Indeed they are. NPD is literally a mental illness
My ex gave me a “normal” Valentine Day once. So bizarre. I was thinking “wow he can actually be normal”
@@sabrai1 I should be thankful mine ruined all of my valentines every one
@@crashlikewaves I'm living out exactly that situation right now with my ex. Sadly, I think it makes perfect sense to anyone who's been through it. The "normal" moments make it hard to believe the really awful stuff could really have gotten that bad. It's hard to reconcile being shifted from "evil" (something she literally called me yesterday) to "good" and treated accordingly so frequently and with so little reason.
Oh man! A few weeks back was my new girlfriends birthday and I was sick as a dog. I was literally stuck in bed and had a fever of 102.8 with the chills of death… She flipped out more than I’ve ever seen someone flip lol. I was apparently some terrible bad guy that “ruined” her birthday. Only been dating her a couple months, glad I got to see the real her. I had seen some red flags but her treating me like absolute trash that day made me watch some of these videos and helped me put it all together.
She sounds really immature and selfish.
Glad you got out! They can care less if you’re sick! It’s all about them! But if they get sick, you have to wait on them hand and foot or they will be pissed off again! You just can’t win with these people 🤮🤢
Man I feel this. My ex flipped out cause I didn't make it to a birthday dinner. It was midterm season and I was studying STEM, I just couldn't make it across town on transit. She flipped out, regardless of the fact that she'd missed my birthday a couple months earlier. I didn't give her a hard time lol.
Suffice to say, she's my ex and I'm better for it. Complete narcissist, used to talk down a lot about people about their weight. I should have seen that as a massive red flag and bailed.
Don't allow her to creep back in...just keep running, she needs to look like a dot on the horizon!
@@ninachand2075 Oh don't worry, never gonna happen.
I have had my birthday deleted from Facebook for years now just because I didn’t want a bunch of attention lol. Years ago I took some sort of a narcissist test that would score you from 0 to 40 (the higher the number, the more narcissistic you are). My score was a 1 😂. I took the test because an ex boyfriend had used that word for me in a lengthy text message. Years later I now know he was self-projecting.
Also, took my birthday off of Facebook. Having been in relationships with narcissists you can begin to wonder if it's you. When I said that to my therapist, he laughed and told me I was far from it. Gaslighting will do that to you.
My father was a textbook Narcissit...fit every trait, engaged in gaslighting etc...
Our family is spread over a large area so many of us cannot go to all get-togethers.
A few years ago it was my mom's birthday and for the first time in 20 years everyone was there. This seemed amazing & special since such a gathering was so rare.
It was a pleasant visit with no drama but my father seemed unusually quiet.
About a week later he called every one of us & shouted that he no longer considered any of us family, did not want to ever see or speak to us again & to never call him & would not explain why.
I spoke with every member of our family & not a single person had any idea as to what had caused this. Then my wife, who as an outsider often has a more objective point of view, asked the question; Do you think your father was jealous because this gathering was about your MOTHER and not about HIM?
Oh MaN! 😳 ... 🤯 the childish tantrum of a narcissist
Sometimes the narcessist gives you the gift you so realy wanted all your life . That they never want to see you again. That in itself is a gift you must accept.
Your wife is brilliant and insightful. Never cease to cherish her. 🤗
@@SakuraMoonflower Thank you and believe me...I truly do!
Wow, The people in the comments ate your story up. There seems to be no actual proof for his behavior and was mere speculation in the end. But yeah let's throw'em on the narcissistic boat lol
I know quite a few adults that have “ Birthday months” they literally start telling you their birthday is coming months beforehand and then celebrate themselves the whole month. It’s bizarre to me.
I remember seeing some teen girls have birthday weeks in high school. Man if I saw that shit nowadays, it would be sad.
I know someone who claimed his entire month. but then he had two kids and a grandkid in his birthday month.😂
@@phantompop3192 Ours did a week, too. It was just a family thing, though. I understand the sentiment behind it, but I wouldn’t want to do it for my future kids. It’s a bit much. One day is fine, thanks. 😂
@@phantompop3192 they are a bad seed, and contaminate everything
I used to celebrate a birthday week - I would do special things for myself each day, like self-care, and do volunteer work or make donations and do random acts of kindness. I love my birthday! I also do this for the people in my life who think it's fun. Please don't assume everyone who loves birthdays is a narcissist.
My Mom bitterly complained that I (as a 12 year old child) never gave her anything she "really wanted" for her birthday. So I shoplifted a nice Cowl neck harlequin sweater (it was the 80s) for her from a boutique in town. She was really excited. I was SO proud of myself for getting her something she "really wanted." About three weeks later she saw another woman at church wearing a similar sweater (same style, different color). She threw the sweater i purloined for her directly in the trash when we got home and she told me that I was trying to make her look stupid because she couldnt possibly wear the same clothes "That whore" wore. The woman at church had done nothing untoward to my mother or anyone, as far as i knew. I had never seen her sweater before. Somehow all of this was my fault.
That’s horrible! It was not your fault!
I can only say I sincerely hope you cut off all contact and will never let her know about your children if you ever have kids. It’s the ultimate punishment for narcissistic moms
Wow, jesus christ. I'm sorry man. Your mum and what you went through is so fucked up. Stay the hell away from her if you can.
Jesus that's awful. It's a good sign you can recognise how crazy that is now.
People are so evil sometimes and I'm sorry you had to experience that from your own mother. Sending love and healing energy to you dear ❤
This has weirdly comforted me over the fact I dislike celebrating my birthday 😂 it’s just exhausting and I can’t stand the attention!
Yes!!
Me too so I'm not one lol
Glad it’s not only me 😊
I hear so many women complaining about their birthdays on social media it's insane. I've seen one girl say that other women are "fake friends" for not taking off work for their birthdays or not going out of their way to make it to their birthday parties. I honestly think some people do not mature past the age of 14 years old.
Same, and I don't care if people forget. They will also not know I got older! 🎉
I love how oddly specific you are. It really helps people not be victims anymore.
OMG this resonated so deeply. I was born on my mother’s birthday. EVERYONE who heard that was so excited: they’d gush ‘how rare, how wonderful, blah, blah, blah.’ There are not enough words in the history of language that describe how much she made me pay for the mistake of taking away her spotlight on that day. It took awhile but the boundaries I was forced to erect remained completely inviolate: they helped me survive & ultimately thrive. She hated them & tried to cross them but I remained consistent: at the very least I could celebrate my birthday how I wanted to in peace.
I have a narcissistic twin sister. Totally get it. 💙
@@BigHeartNoBS uhm... Is it same DNA twins? I think the clinical term is "omozygotic"?
@@BigHeartNoBS I wonder if narcissists are Born (DNA) or made (upbringing). Either way, it's strange that only 1 of 2 twins with same DNA and, supposedly, same parents and upbringing becomes a narcissist. Unless the parents play favorites, Golden child dynamics sort of things.
I think this is proof my mom isn't narcissistic, I was also born on the same day as my mother and she wanted to celebrate my birthdays first hand.
@@sergiom3988 It is 30% genetic actually. But 60% is due to development. Some scientists argue that narcissists are actually a perfect adaptation to become politicians.
I used to care a lot about my birthday and I would get really hurt when people would forget it. I also realized that I’ve been grasping for love and acceptance because I didn’t have it when I was a child. As I’ve been dealing with my baggage, it’s become less important to me.
Yes, I was this way too, or rather I wanted it to be oh so special, and I feel so ashamed. But okay, I had some bad experiences on My B-days though. But now I don't feel much about it. But the big 30 is coming up in a year, don't want it. I think I am going on a trip so I can't feel hurt about it 😂😅 Just get it over with.
How is feeling bad about people close to you not caring about your birthday "baggage"?
Same
I felt this too and always thought that I was narcissistic but it was because my family never made a big deal out of my birthday but instead would make a big deal of my younger brothers bday which was a few days before mine. They never celebrated mine but always celebrated his. I don't need their acceptance anymore.
I'm still feeling like this because I have never had a cake, I never have gifts for my bday but my friends, we have to plan 2 or 3 birhday parties, some of them even last a whole day. And I feel bad because no one cares about mine. But my psychologist is teaching me to let those feeling go. At the end of the day, the only person who is gonna care about me is me
The very idea of "birthday month" is grotesque. Birthdays are for toddlers. An adult who publicises his or her birthday is simply strapping on an emotional nappy.
This is actually a wonderful way to undermine and chip away at a narcissist’s self esteem. If you forget their birthday they might discard you to protect their ego and set you free.
No, they'll wait till your birthday comes when they'll take special care to congratulate you and make you feel guilty you didn't. Then they'll proceed to self invite to your place bringing in some common friends and screw your birthday. -) just kiddin
@@dancroitoru364 haha
I guess, that's only if they aren't your relatives. I did this last year, when I went no contact with my narc aunt. My birthday is earlier, but the same month. I went NC before my bd as a birthday gift to myself, so I blocked the phone and didn't need to hear insincere congratulations. She still contacted my narc dad and even considered to send (unwanted) gifts by mail (her family at least live in different city). My narc dad is the type who hates birthdays and celebrations, so I never actually had a big laud birthday party, only simple basics like eating the cake with the family and receiving gifts (from mom, never from him). Of course, he told her not to send me anything and he was quite angry at the mention itself (how typical). Ironically, that was rather good for me that one time - I didn't have to feel too guilty about ignoring her birthday later (I still felt like a bad guy, doubting whether it's okay to do it like that, but I was too exhausted to deal with her). On the third day after her birthday the hell broke loose. She and her family contacted my dad and they all made me some sort of their common enemy. He told me a lot of horrible things, criticised me, blamed me for anything, being stupid, useless, lazy etc, yelled at me, raged for several months. Maybe it would be easier if I could just move far away, out of reach of any flying monkeys. But it wasn't an option. Also, everyone who goes NC with narc relatives gonna at some point be this "bad guy" who ignored their "precious" bd, because bd-loving narcs have tendency to not to speak to you for awhile, but still expect attention on their birthdays as if nothing has happened.
@@nothingthere3959 Sorry to hear that happened. I come from a background like that. I would keep on letting her down. Heheeee. Play the loser to a point where she knows you’ll be a let-down no matter what and expects it. In your mind, you aren’t. Keep your head down. At least, this way, you won’t have to put up a false front. That can be exhausting.
They will point out when you show confidence; remarking “look at how stuck up he is!” Realize that this is a way of undermining your boundaries and abilities. This is typical predatory behavior.
You will never get closure from a narcissist. Never, ever! The desire for revenge is actually a source of supply for them. I tried living up being an inconsiderate person. It has to be fun. You will lose your identity because it’s like acting a role. Get away from them or find ways to block them out. Find alliances with helpful people, build walls and numb it out. You are being outnumbered.
@@TedBunnie well done, because even if you bent over backwards to make them happy, they still would have been upset with you 👍
People should show love and appreciation every day, not especially on birthdays. Every day can be special when you respect the other.
depends. should we proactively show every single day of our lives? if we feel down for god know what should we just go around and love whoever every hour?
are we suppose to? are we obligated? we should love ourselves more before we love others
love and appreciate them when you can at your own pace. NOT EVERYDAY. you're making a white lie by saying that. i know u meant it not to make it a big deal and nor do i. but also, dont tell us what to do and what not to do especially when u're talking about "love and appreciation every day", you're not buddha nor are u enlightened
Nice thought.. if we lived in a perfect world...or know how to love and appreciate ourselves in a proper manner. Considering most of us here have survived narcessistic abuse over a long period of time, I dare say that the survivors have learned to show appreciation...narcs feel entitled to it.
I say show appreciation, especially when you're feeling down. It will lift you up. You don't have to show love and appreciation to people who haven't earned it, though.
@@p.w.352 I agree.
In a Perfect World...
They make a monster deal of their own birthday while ruining everyone else's
Spot on!
Ofc, bcs someone else is to be the center of attention. They do not accept that.. so they feel bad (for not being the center of attention) & thats why everyone else also has to suffer, feel bad or have a bad time.. They make sure of it
They are horrible 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
Just escaped a 3 year relationship with one. Holy crap, I would be up for days stressing about her bday, and it always ended in a huge tantrum. Mine would go by with barely a mention. Once she made me a birthday dinner and then spent the next few days telling me how much I owed her for making me dinner...
Wtf. Good thing you dropped her.
You really dodged a bullet with that one!
Male or female? (Your ex)
Omgosh!!
Same. My ex narc would stress that he doesn’t celebrate his birthday yet book a cruise or vacation for it; hmmm🤔
If he celebrated mine, same experience. He’d say I wasn’t grateful, happy enough. That I was lucky and ANY woman would be happy to have what he did for me.
I had to put up with one for 15 years before I finally left her! I hated her birthday and knew I had to spend a lot of money and do something for her like she didn’t already have Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Christmas,… Just insane
Or they ruin everyone else’s birthday or holiday (even the children’s) when the attention is not focused on them - being disagreeable, stirring up conflict, or purposely not acknowledging that person’s bday (or Mother’s Day) But when it’s their bday (or Father’s Day), when they are the one being celebrated, they take it all in, joyfully accepting gifts and attention.
Totally the same here! Do you acknowledge their things?? I’ve pretty much stopped acknowledging theirs bc they make it a big deal that they forgot mine! So childish. I feel silly even typing this out.
My abusive narcissistic parent did that to me one year. On her birthday she was super bitchy and grouchy and I was uncomfortable speaking to her (as I often was). Because no one said happy birthday to her (while she was ranting and making it difficult to do so) she said she wasn’t going to acknowledge my birthday. And she didn’t. I was 14.
I have seen stories where narc mothers demand that her children celebrate them on their birthdays because SHE gave birth to them. Worse than that, they aren't even allowed to celebrate their own borthdays.
On yes that is exactly what my ex did. Just ended it with him. He visited his 30 year old son on Mothers day because he was jealous of my sons visiting me. I could see it on his face and he started playing games on his phone whilst they were with me! He left as soon as they did and went to visit his son, who just happened to still be living with his mother! When he came home he said " Oh it was his birthday today but I forgot but he's used to that!" The same for Mothers day he never even wished her a happy day! When I said why? He replied that all those sort of days are a con and don't mean anything!
My Goddaughter’s mother is EXACTLY like this!!!🤦♀️
I was married to a narcissist. I remember I was having some serious back pain. It was my husband's birthday, and I had an appointment with a doctor. It was a little difficult for me to drive, so I had asked my husband if he would drive me to my appointment. I remember after we got back home, he was like, "I really didn't want to spend my birthday taking YOU to the doctor. I wanted to celebrate my birthday." I just looked at him dumbfounded because that comment hurt me a bit. It wasn't a milestone birthday, and it wasn't like we couldn't celebrate it on a different day. Or whatever.
He behaved like this all the time. He was the center of the universe. He never actually loved me.
@@ADDrecords pretty much so.
@@ADDrecords me too! Thanks.
Yep... Sprained my ankle the day before mothers day while mowing a very lumpy lawn for a friend of hers... I wasnt really supposed to be bearing full weight on it the very next day... But I did because it was mothers day and mama had the day off. She was heavily pouting because I didnt get all the dishes done after making dinner... I was drenched in a pain sweat half the day... Ah yes... Narc memories...
I don't know if you're aware what you did just there. You just minimized your pain by saying "the comment hurt me a bit", and then try to explain that "It wasn't a milestone birthday", as if it would be okay for him to behave that way if it was a milestone birthday? I am so sorry that you had to put up with that. Glad you found your way out of that. Been through the same. May you find healing! I wish you all the best!
@@sycamore2483 I'll agree with you there. When you're married or in a committed relationship with someone, you shouldn't be so self centered.
Dr. Ramani, my birthday is on Thursday. I just left a narcissistic abusive relationship. I learned to dread my birthday because his abuse became worse in those days. I think it was his message to me that my life wasn’t important and not worth being celebrated. This Thursday I made no plans, but I am going to treat myself and love myself all day long and I really look forward to it. Thank you for posting this. I accidentally hit dislike and then fixed it! Hope it didn’t register. You have really helped me through this and I appreciate it.
Happy birthday, Reece! You are beautiful. It's nots selfish to treat yourself; in fact, I reckon you should make a habit of it! You will get through this. Just keep doing the next right thing in terms of your well being, and pour that love you would be pouring, unappreciated and taken for granted by default and to no fault of your own, to the narcissistic and bitter partner you just freed yourself from, into yourself and your life. Keep yourself surrounded by individuals and groups as well who truly, authentically have your best interest in mind and who will keep it one hundred, as the saying people use goes, with you! Not sure why I clicked on this video. I'm so glad I did because you deserve these bday wishes and good wishes in general toward your healing from your partners b.s. excuse the lingo, and towards your creatively actively and enthusiastically pursuing al that you want and so deserve!!!!!!! 🛤️🛤️🛤️🛤️ Look back as you need to reflect, and to learn from the bad, but also look forward unendingly to the great things in store ahead of you!!!!!!!!! You are a gem and a treasure. Don't ever allow yourself to be convinced otherwise, and guard your heart fervently now that you're armed with this knowledge of the darker traits of people. Congratulations on the huge leap of faith and step forward you have taken. It might be a tad or even a lot difficult at different crossroads, but my dear, you've got this handled completely. Be your own best friend, and a gentle warrior in the name of your own mental health and emotional wellness.
I really hope you had a lovely birthday 💖
Happy birthday for the other week! I hope you took some time to celebrate.
Happy belated birthday. I hope you had a good day 💜
Congratulations! And belated happy birthday. May you stay steady on your path toward healing and freedom!
My ex was a narcissist. The funny thing is - yes, he definitely expected a big deal for his birthday - but he loved to make a big deal of MY birthday, whether I wanted it or not. (And I'm one of those people that could do without a celebration at all, but a cake and a few family members is fine, too).
But it became obvious that he didn't want to do these big things for my birthday for *my* sake (because he knew I preferred peace and quiet) - he wanted to do these things that involved a lot of people because he wanted them to praise him for being such a thoughtful, considerate person. If we did a small event, there weren't many people to take note of how amazing he was for doing it.
And that's how he was with *everything*. It was always about the praise he'd get for his efforts.
My narc mother always expected me to visit her on MY birthday even into my 50sb assumedly to show my extreme gratitude for my card, present and existance.
My ex girlfriend was so upset their 12-13 year old cousin missed wishing them a happy birthday by like a FEW HOURS. She went on feeling so rejected and hurt by it to the point where she ignored the cousin for 2-3 months. This cousin loves and adores her too and was probably crushed at the time. Imagine being so upset with a child half your age and giving them a tantrum.
I missed the birthday of a longterm friend's daughter one year through simply mixing up the date and she went ballistic, informing me that we were no longer friends. Her husband came over to apologise and I gave him the present I'd bought, which he later advised me had been thrown straight into the bin while she ranted at him for not supporting her.
Never saw or heard from her again although, a few months later, her husband did let me know that they were planning on emigrating.
@@clogs4956 LMAO! HOLY SHET!! That is crazy!! I sure hope they're emigrating away from you. I feel sorry for her husband.
Unfortunately I know the other end of that really well. My older narc brother has ALWAYS been this way, that at some point I just accepted I had to suck up to him bc “that’s what you do.” I don’t really make a big deal about my birthday (and prefer being left alone on my day) so over the years I found myself thinking and focusing more about his birthday than I ever had/have on my own.
One year he actually had the audacity to be upset with me when I wished him happy birthday in the evening his time (he was three hours ahead of me). I literally made sure to call him as soon as I got off work but because it was 8/9pm where he was, he threw a fit and called me a horrible person who needs to be less selfish. Mind you, at that point he had missed my birthday for 6 years straight. One of those years he called a month later for a belated birthday. The other 5 years he merely never mentioned it…
So glad to be rid of his presence in my life.
Ex! 👍🏽
Adults caring that much about their own birthdays SMH.
I worked busing tables at a country club, where big parties would be thrown for members for special events like wedding and birthdays. A hostess would be assigned to plan and organize them and they were a big deal, pulling out all the stops. One of the waitresses I worked with was in "training" to be a hostess when she was finally assigned her first event to plan and organize - a birthday party for one of the newer members. She went all out, wanting to really showcase her abilities to entertain. The decorations, entertainment and menu were amazing, the best I had seen in all the events I worked. She planned an event like he was the most important person on the planet.
However, most of the guests who arrived would drop off a present, greet this member, and then... leave. They didn't stick around any longer than they felt they had to, they were there just to make "an appearance". At first the staff all found this odd, until we ourselves met the "birthday boy" as we waited on and served him and realized what an obnoxious jerk he was. An over-the-top narcissist, the most rude, disgusting, self-centered... well, you get the idea. Boasted about everything, insulted anyone within 5 feet of him. Just... cringe.
He became extremely upset as he watched all the people come in, say "happy birthday" but then leave. He seemed incapable of realizing they didn't like him one bit, even though it was quite obvious on some of the strained faces of people who stopped and offered best wishes. Many were likely employees of his who feared they'd be fired if they didn't at least stop in, or perhaps business partners who feared he would cease doing business with them. Only his family seemed to stay and they didn't look much happier about it.
The narcissist of course needed someone ELSE to blame, and so he blamed the hostess. He began throwing very visible and public tantrums about all the decorations, the entertainment, the food, the service, etc, even though there wasn't a single thing worthy of a complaint. He demanded to see the manager, so a few of us along with the hostess led him back to her office. He began to rant and scream and demand the hostess be fired, right there on the spot.
At first, the manager was appeasing him, agreed it was unacceptable that people were leaving and seemed ready to fire the hostess. The hostess was crying and looked absolutely devastated. I couldn't stand by and watch this injustice, so I spoke up and said, "if you fire her, then I quit, she did wonderfully - they're only leaving because they don't like him." I was sure that would be my last day. But it seemed that was all it took to give the other staff courage as well. Suddenly, the other staff chimed in, "me, too", "she didn't do anything wrong" and "yeah, she did a fantastic job!" I swear I even heard someone muttering "he's an a##-hole" under their breath.
Hearing that, the manager said, "I'm sorry you're unhappy with how your party went, but it sounds like there isn't any problems with the preparations." The member was furious, threatening to quit his membership and take all his "friends" with him, that he'd call the health department to file complaints and that they'd be shut down in a week, etc. I didn't hear all the threats as the manager sent us all back to work as he continued to rant.
The hostess was given plenty of events to coordinate after that, and every single one of them was a dream to work at - you loved working them just to be a part of the celebration, they were all fun and unique. I never saw the member after that.
I enjoyed that..thanks for posting x
You're a hero. You made the world a better place by making sure she kept her job.
Denial refuse to believe that people don’t like him. I dated a guy where his kids only call him when they need something. He was so happy. “ SEE THey NEED ME “! 👀. I was like they call you only when they need something. Big mistake he didn’t want to see that in his mind he was the man. He boasted and bragged about everything even down to the toilet paper tissue brand. Everyone he talk to he hold them up to brag about his degrees and this and that. He is actually miserable inside. He Love boom me for our first 3 months of dating. I was praising God and thanking him for my future husband. Boy was I wrong. He turnt into a monster. Mask off.
Wow. But seriously these people are grown up spoiled brats--who needs to spend thousands on a party and thousands on a membership to pretend they have friends.
That jerk sounds like a couple people I know and the sad thing about it they can NEVER see it's them..
I did lash out on my birthday once, because I was mad that it wasn’t matching up with my expectations, but to be fair I was three. And I really wanted to win all the party games. I have since become a more considerate host.
very funny!
I have to deal with one right now and she even avoids saying Merry Christmas or anything on any day, never once asked me when my birthday was and I've been dealing with her for almost 11 years. completely absorbed in trying to compete and does everything I do and if I buy something she has to go out and get it (even cars, really). ugly, ugly, ugly.
😂
That was great..thanks for the laugh
This video came out of the blue and hit the nail on the head. The impending birthday month was always a time of stress for me because I knew what was coming. An onslaught of stress, a time where no one else on the planet exists except her. And it was never one day. It was an entire month of birthday overkill. Every single person encountered had to be told. The examination of gifts was always excruciating. The list goes on and on the last day of the month I would be told (every year) I made her birthday the most miserable time she’s ever had. I ruined everything. And I never even did anything.
😢
Where to start…my ex hated birthdays and I remember him making me cry on mine. Never acknowledged or bought me even a small gift. I threw him a surprise 50th birthday party and he was ANGRY at me for spending money for it. When I turned 50 he berated me about his 50th party and on and on and on just punishing me. Interestingly enough, his brother was a narcissist too and he committed suicide ON HIS BIRTHDAY. I am so grateful to be out of all the toxic drama and violence and emotional abuse. Thanks so much for this video ❤️❤️❤️
Sad thing that probably they were both traumatised as children, hope you can forgive them, for your sake at least, although I know that is an unpopular stance these days. More importantly we need to try and understand why we were attracted to the relationships in the first place, or I have had to at least.
You're not alone, Katie Schmid. So much of this sounds chillingly familiar... Sending you good wishes.
There you go, you do know the reason behind why he hated birthdays. Sounds like he was a jerk about it, it's indefensible how he treated you. But I have to ask, since you knew how he felt about birthdays, why did you throw him a surprise 50th party?
@@DR-nh6oo lol why don’t you try and forgive a people who abused you for 20 years. Bad advice that opens the door to more abuse
Vlog City Forgiveness does not mean allowing the person to continue to abuse or even be in your space. It means understanding that there are often reasons why people get so twisted and fucked up and not spending your precious energy on the hate that will only bring you down. As I said this is not a popular idea but then as narcissism is a pandemic at the moment that is no surprise. No joke.
Completely agree. I know a narcissist, who elaborately starts planning for her birthday. She just wants attention and validation all the time.
Dad wants praise for barely doing anything, for me to tell people he does nice things for me every week: he lies, I won't protect him. I am true to myself. He's necver pleased and acts entitled to ignore common courtesy. I'm done with his b.s.!
You should. There always comes a point where you should say "Enough is enough"
Then there are the narcissists who deliberately "forget" other people's birthdays as a way to hurt family and friend's feelings. The crazy-making never ends.
Yep, even if you remind them the very morning of 🥲
Yes I've experienced the same as well, my ex-sister who's a covert narc conveniently forgets my birthday but sends it the next day with some made up excuse but she always sends it to the other family members on the day. It's soooo obvious... 🙄
I don't let it bother me as it just seems like very childish behaviour, still wish them on their day as I don't like to stoop to such immature pettiness.
@@Tullece Totally understand. My mother has been been working on some kind of crochet project for my daughter I hear and while she could have seen everyone on the 4th of July, as there was a gathering, her excuse was she’s working on this project for my daughter. So she thinks this gift will make up for her not calling her on her birthday and not being present. If you ask me, she just likes any excuse to not hang out with anyone, but she also thinks her little projects somehow make up for everything and I can assure you, will get mad when the response is not what she thinks it should be…..it’s a cycle 🔁 with her.
How do you know it’s deliberate and they don’t just like have adhd or whatever. If you don’t have adhd then thats how its seems to you because you don’t have the brain structure to empathize accurately. I don’t even know what todays date is. I just buy people things randomly instead
@@banquetoftheleviathan1404 I am not clear on all the ins and outs of ADHD but if you get reminded can you still use that as an excuse?
I will be honest: I was raised by a narcissistic father and still fear that his behavior has rubbed off on me - because I know for sure some has that I fight daily. That is why I clicked on these videos - to better myself, and see if I do any of these things, and if so, to be aware of it and improve.
On this topic - I long preferred that my birthdays went unnoticed, even as young as 5/6 years old, where I tried to escape the party/parties that my parents tried to throw for me. On the other hand, my father was OBSESSED with his birthday, and almost, if not every video I have seen so far describes his behavior to a T.
It is my wife who finally allowed me to enjoy my birthday. I still don't feel good about it and I dread its arrival - but she makes it more than bearable... it is downright enjoyable.
@paulgaither enjoy every birthday to the hilt you deserve every moment
I'm glad you found a new family who treat you right.
Same about the upbringing and concerns about exhibiting his behavior. It's a fair concern but also something that by being aware of the problem and actively trying to not mirror his influence it sounds like you have mostly in check. That's about as good as guys like us get on this ride.
The little my dad does on my birthday, is ruined by his snarky comments, wasting my time waiting for him. I gave up and don't regret it!
I have actually grown to an opposite from this specifically. I’m so used to the narcissist ruining every birthday,Holiday,Etc that I get extreme anxiety on these days and have become the Mom that has to have everything Perfect and I realize that all I needed was the absence of the narcissist and a simple loving day with my kids
Yes. 👏🏽 You hit the nail straight with the hammer my dear.
Totally relate!
I enjoy birthdays because i didnt appreciate them as a teen
I hate my birthday because my mom would make a big deal about it even though I don't like all of the attention or fanfare. It is almost like she needed to throw a huge event or make a big deal about it for her sake, and to show other people that she cared about me a lot, and I didn't like it at all
That's exactly what they do, ruin every holiday, bday and ither things. He makes sure no one has fun. It's like he doesn't even know how to have fun. It's really weird and sick.
30-year+ friendship insisted on special treatment for her birthdays - expensive dinner, present, etc, but (after I started paying attention) when mine rolled around she paid for a ticket for me to a movie saying it was "more than you deserve" plus invited someone I didn't know and sat with the person instead of me - really showed me the difference between how she valued me vs her expectations. Yikes I felt like such a fool,,,no more.
That's rough man. Hope you're going okay and healing well. Love to ya.
A 20 year friendship in my life ended due to similar realizations/actions/understandings. It is a very odd feeling to see it for what it is after all those years. I wish you the best.
40 year friendship, i was no longer narcissistic fodor so I got dumped like trash...it still hurts and its been 2 years
Yeah mine was after 4 years ♥️
The realisation took me years. 2 years away from my best friend of 15yrs... looking back.. I feel so stupid, I didn't think a best friend could be so twisted & abusive.
Seeing all the "events" etc for what they really were now.
How I was being manipulated.. I love 100% & didn't see it.
Hope you're OK now.
One year, my ex’s birthday was the day after my mothers funeral. He kept texting and calling me saying how he has “no-one to spend his birthday with”. In my time of grief, when I needed to be with my family, I left and drove to a different parish, got a personalized cake, and he didn’t even meet me. I felt SO bad. I had to scrape the frosting off and give the cake away. At the time, I didn’t know he was a narcissist and I just felt so guilty. The DAY after I buried my mother.
He sure was hell but hey why did you put yourself through this abuse? We need healthy boundaries and self love.
Poor you. That is just awfu i am praying for you at this very difficult time for you. God Bless you. Love and blessings, Kate 💘
@@ilusagraun you clearly lack insight in to narcissistic relationships and cycles of abuse. She didn’t “put herself through that”. She was trying to do something nice for someone she cared about and was guilt tripped in to leaving her family during a time a loss. You know, when emotions are already running high it can cloud a persons judgement. Let’s not blame the victim here, you should blame the narc for their manipulative ways.
My narc friend, said to me 4 days after mother had been cremated ''you must be over that by now'...they don't understand grieving at all.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I hope you're healing and have found peace ❤
I had a friend once that used to make a huge deal about her birthday every year. She would plan these expensive dinner events and all this other stuff. I got tired of feeling like I was forced to pay up and participate.
Just to clarify to some people;
If you feel disappointed that nobody rembered your birthday or at least that a close loved one didn't, don't worry, you are not a narcissist for that.
It could point to you having some insecurity around social and family bonds but it's totally normal, especially if you're used to getting some birthday wishes and then suddenly one year you get none.
So long as you don't make a big deal out of it, you're fine.
Thank you for this. I had this girl I was dating years ago, I was super crazy about her, and when my birthday came she wished me happy birthday but it was like 13 hours after everyone else, I just wanted to hear it from her and she was the last person I even heard from . No gift or special anything (I really don't want anything like that) I just felt hurt the whole day I was getting messages from everyone, but her.
Your message made me realize I'm not a psycho for being hurt by that after all. Thank you.
Yeah, agreed. Tbh, personally I wonder how many of these narcissist ‘facts’ online are potentially damaging some people/their perceptions of relationships.
Birthdays are an odd one, they’re stressful for some and for some people they’re not even brought up celebrating it so there’s disconnect.
Never mind, as long as it helps someone I suppose.
Doesn't sound like she was raised in the States. Your birthday is a big deal here and your family goes all out when you're younger. Other than Christmas it's the 1 time a year where even the poorest of us get something we want
I rather not have a birthday don't need a reminder that I am getting older
@@OzonebxGamingcelebrating children’s birthdays is not an exclusively American thing. If you’re an adult and you get upset when someone is a few hours late wishing you happy birthday then you might have some maturity issues.
My Nmom falls into this self-sacrificing role around her Birthday. "You don't have to do anything. I know you're busy. I've learned not to expect anything over the years." Then, regardless of what we do (even if it's nice/elaborate), it's not enough, and later on she will imply we don't care about her. But then follows that up with "But Birthdays aren't important when you're older so I didn't expect much," or "That's just being a mom, you get taken for granted." I get whiplash from almost all my interactions with her. And she is always the victim!
Holy cr*p that sounds like my boys mom to the letter.
There is always drama around family birthdays and she's always the one front and center of the drama.
We must be siblings 😞
how exhausting...truly
Sounds like she's just resentful about putting others before herself for too long.
How many narcissistic mother's does it take to change a lightbulb? none. I'll just sit here in the dark.
It's safe to say, "If a narcissist acts this way on their birthday, they're probably doing it 365 days a year."
Even if it's "suppressed."
not 'Probably; rather, most definitely!
This sounds so strange to me because, I have a friend who is a complete narcissist in almost every way except her birthday. She will not allow anyone to wish her a happy birthday or even acknowledge it. If they do she will actually get seriously infuriated with them. You’re not even allowed to say happy birthday to her. But any other day all the attention Hass to be on her so my question is, is she then really a narcissist or not ?
@@sunnydaze2359 yes. My ex felt no one was good enough or could do it right. He rather avoid those feelings by avoiding the birthday. Its far from humble. He thought he wouldnt get enough gifts. We CARE for him on that day ( cake.singing etc) so its a way to reject us
Kiddo:
Also that was very immature behavior that birthday girl acted towards her friend.
It’s not that suppressed.
Also Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day…..
This makes me feel a lot better about pretty much never celebrating my own birthday 😂 for my 21st I stayed in and watched all 3 Lord of the rings movies.
I watched LotR (extended version) over 1000 times to avoid my narc bro in law. Can damn near recite every line. But it kept me safe. I still love those movies. Thank god the p**ck is out of my life forever.
Same for my birthday. I don't have a party, just go out and eat with my husband and son, that's enough for me. His sister is a narcissist. If she doesn't get birthday wishes, she will be depressed for months. Those people can be scary. Since we had a fight with money that she borrowed and never pay back. I did not give birthday gifts for her this year. I'm tired of one way gifting. It's funny to watch those people's attitudes to treat you like an enemy when you dont wish and gift on their birthday, but they never do anything for your birthday, not even a wish. Those people are like strangers with only memories, so no big deal.
Sounds like a good birthday to me! #soitbegins
Oh that's epic! Happy belated birthday(s)!
That sounds like a great birthday tbh 😃
My 64 yr old narc sister got mad at me because I didn’t put her gift in a gift bag with pretty tissue in it. I gave her a gift but she went ballistic cause it wasn’t in a gift bag.
She won't be getting anything next year except a pretty bag with tissues.
@@cymbolichuman433 👍🥳
@@cymbolichuman433 excellent idea
@@cymbolichuman433 😂😂😂. Id LOVE to be there watching that! If it were me id do it to mess with her, and then as she freaked out id say happy birthday while walking out the door and then laugh my ass off! 😂
She's petty!
My adult brother and I chipped in and bought my mom a 23 and Me test for her birthday thinking she would like to know what her background was. She was so pissed that she screamed "It's a lame gift, I would rather have just gotten a card" so...we only got her a card from that point on and spoiler alert, that pissed her off too.🤷♀
A narcissist can never make the first comment on anything a positive one. They are born miserable and can’t give credit to anyone. Don’t take it personally, run away as fast as you can.
My narc aunt flipped out about 23 and me too. I wonder why they’re so sensitive about their background?
Maybe they know things about the family that you don't? Although my guess is they don't want a test to tell them who or what they are, it probably takes their fragile sense of identity away from them. And some of them are narcissists because of traumatic childhoods, they've probably tried to distance themselves from their family and roots, so they don't care to be reminded what came before them.
Im a narcissist, that's not narcissism. Too many ppl think narcissism is any person who is nasty or abusive.......i actually have a God complex and can be very kind like it's my divine role. I love getting gifts and will take compliments as gifts...I'm a sucker for compliments and everyone knows to pander to my ego and I'll give you favourite dress. I'll draw your portrait.
Your mum sounds awful and abusive xxx but narcissist threads might not give you the answers you seek xxxx
I appreciate the feedback. My mother was a confirmed covert narcissist and I didn't diagnose her. This was made known to me by several therapists I've seen over the years to deal with the trauma and abuse at her hands. This instance is only one (and by far not one of the worst ones) instance of her wild and negative reactions. To others, sweet as pie, but get closer to her and you got bit.
This is quite interesting. I’m autistic and have a great deal of trouble determining what other people’s motivations are for these things, so I’m often completely bewildered by why some people I know make SUCH a big deal about their birthday.
One acquaintance of mine posts all kinds of things about her birthday on social media. She’ll post things like, "It’s exactly six months until my birthday!" "It’s a month until my birthday!" "My birth month has started" "only a week until my birthday!" All things like that. Her actual birthday celebrations begin the weekend before her birthday and go on until about a week after her birthday. Parties at her house, with the biggest blowout on the actual day. Dinners our with many people. A big party that she throws for herself at work. It baffles me since I don’t ever like to be the center of attention. I know some people do like that, but I’ve never known anyone who does things on this scale.
Now that you’ve pointed out the connection between narcissists and the desire big birthday celebrations, some things are starting to make sense. This acquaintance of mine is the perpetual victim, always posting about how terrible her childhood was, how awful everyone is to her, how her adult children hate her for no reason, etc. I used to feel sorry for her, but the constant blaming of others for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life got old and I started wondering just how much of her troubles she’s brought on herself. She "can’t help" the way she treats others because of how abused she was as a child. She has no idea why her son won’t allow her to see her grandchildren anymore; he’s just mean and vindictive and is doing it to punish her for something he thinks she’s done…which might be true. He might want to keep her behavior from rubbing off on the grandchildren.
Now I see that it’s possible she has a narcissistic personality. She gets very angry when her friends does the slightest thing to upset her, but she expects them to remain her friend and acts horrible hurt if the "turn against" her.
Guess I’ll remain at a distance. She keeps inviting me to come to her big backyard parties, but I HATE being in groups of people I don’t know so I always politely decline. I’ve wondered if I’m missing out on making a new friend, but I think I now see that I’m not missing out on anything except hurt feelings and way too much drama…
You have excellent insights for being on the autism spectrum. My grandson, 12, is ASD and does have a hard time sensing how others feel or why they behave as they do. You give me hope that he can do the inner work to figure others out. Blessings!
Oh so related. Each year my dad would remind me that soon it’s his bday and ask me (a kid) what I’d get him. And doesn’t matter what I’d give him he wouldn’t like it. I remember this one time vividly, I got him his favorite perfume and he replied with “its ok, it’s not your fault, never mind”. I said what do you mean? You don’t like it? And he acted like I offended him somehow with the present. And it was like that EVERY YEAR. Until I finally stopped giving him anything.
I saw this happen with my children by their father and I left him at this point. Just awful I feel for you
My Mom was just like your Dad!
exactly like my dad. he’s always expecting to receive something on his birthday and he’s never liked anything. and he doesn’t care about our birthdays, like he doesn’t greet or anything. so my siblings and i stopped giving him gifts on his birthday bc he can’t appreciate anything or anyone.
Terrible. So sorry it happened to you
This sounds kind of similar to my mother AND my father. When I was young, like under age 13, I sent my father two cards for his birthday. The first year, I got a polite "thanks", the next year I was told he didn't like the specific cards I was sending and to not send them to him anymore, so I just never sent him anything again. They were just normal Hallmark cards, nothing really off about them. I didn't get it, wasn't trying to get it, so I moved on. My mother on the other hand, she's the type who literally acts like she hates her birthday, then gets upset when you don't do anything special for it, even though we'd start asking her a month in advance if she wanted to go anywhere or have any special food prepared for her or any specific gift. She'd always just say it's just another year and then act annoyed if anyone did get her something. My sister got a diamond bracelet one year and all my mother said was, "Thanks, but it was stupid to spend this much on a gift." My sister stopped sending anything after that. If my mother ever does want a gift, it's always highly expensive jewelry that she knows none of us can afford, so people stopped asking her what she wanted. Like, my sister literally got her what she's always asking for and then she's called stupid for buying it??? About two years ago, though, we stopped even asking her anything and have started treating it like another day, since that's what she's always saying. Now, she gets upset at us when we celebrate OUR birthdays and she sees us buying each other stuff or going out to lunch or dinner as a family. It's like, why do you care what we are doing? You're mad at us because we stopped making a big deal out of your birthday, even though you'd act like we were annoying you by even asking if you wanted to do anything. They're weird.
Being an abuse survivor, birthdays are a reminder of pain and rejection.
It's just any other day.
I'd rather not have anyone be fake, and use a birthday as a token.
Love the people around you all other days.
I can't rightfully say that I know *exactly* how you feel but I do understand the sentiment. I don't want others knowing what my own birthday is because I'm not very keen on others making my birthday about themselves.
My ex didn't care about birthdays . Which meant he really didn't care about mine.
I've just split up from my ex and my god I feel so negative right now
"Birthdays are a reminder of pain and rejection." Agreed.
This made me cry I know the pain and feeling and he’s even ruined our kids birthday as well
@@Bobcat665 huh?? That seems unhealthy lol, who makes someone elses birthday about themselves? Most people dont do that at all man, and if they do then you just know who to avoid
I love celebrating me on my birthday. From becoming a survivor most of my life to a thriver. I am a twin. So I’ve learned, by doing the work, that I am whole and complete by myself, while also being a twin. Earlier this month I took me and my twin out to eat for our birthday. We had great fun!! ❤️💯😁🙏
Hi Theresa, I am also a twin! Identical. I've been out of my narcissistically abusive relationship for two and a half years and I'm learning to thrive. And I'm learning how the twin relationship could have influenced me as I tried to replace her by bonding with someone in the same way that I did with her. I fell into relationships quickly and wasn't very discerning. I understand so much more thanks to Dr Ramani.. happy birthday to you and your twin!
@@denicesouza4387 I'm a twin, also, soo glad you are celebrating with your twin! Make it a point to do that every year! I list my twin this past September 😥 Our 55th birthday was in July... we traveled for 2 weeks doing silly stuff and visiting many places! I'm soo glad we had that trip together! Just 2 weeks later she was in the hospital and never came home.
My Dad always trashed mine and my siblings birthdays. I recall when I was eight years old and he found a way to get upset over literally nothing. Anyway, he slapped a two-pence piece on my desk and told me it was my birthday present ...and it was! I've always hated birthdays ever since because each one was traumatic in its own way ... although, I went to Sri Lanka for my 40th and spent it up Sigiriya. It broke the spell!
My dad trashed every holiday as a kid. I always thought that's why I didn't like holidays, especially Christmas.
Yep, dads are the worst. I had a crappy dad like that too. I never celebrate my birthday.
Dad turned the conversation to himself, ruined the last two(my) birthdays. He's history as far as I'm concerned! I can't be bothered! He nitpicked, after wastting my time waiting(no reason/apology for the delay), he acted as if it was his right to make me wait. I had to call him to get birthday wishes, I doubt he would have called me, he is a control freak and bully. I gave up on him and my life improves because of that! It's always predominantly about him. I can't be bothered with him for that and other reasons.(justified), he blames me for abusing me, he's a jerk. I deserve a better father.
I threw a large 30th Birthday Party for my Autistic Son. It was almost like a High School Reunion for him and his friends who were mostly Autistic, and had Down Syndrome and or in wheelchairs and so on….I really went all out and it was a celebration for all of his friends not just him. I even told all the parents that a gift is not needed….just to please come and I will provide everything.
I’ll never forget my birth mother (as I refer to her now) saying to me as I was getting the clubhouse ready for the event….You really need to stop all of these birthday parties for him. He is an adult now and does not need all of these parties. I pretended to let it go in one ear and out the other, as I knew she was trying to pick a fight.
The last time I had a party for him, if one can call it a party…It was on his 21st birthday and it was at his fave restaurant and it was just family and I paid for the whole check and tip.
Funny how my baby sister had a big surprise 30th birthday party that my birth mother put together and that was okay?!?
I stopped all communication with her since 2015. And life is so less Dramatic!
You can celebrate your baby as much as you want. As a mom, he’s your baby at 30 years old & even when he’s older. 💙
@@mnm3755 No, you can't. It is narcissistic to force celebration to a 30 year old "baby" if he/she doesn't want it.
@@MrGoranPa dude she said her adult child likes the parties and is also incapable of arranging them himef because he has autism. Learn to read.
@@MrGoranPa um. She can absolutely celebrate her baby no matter how old he is. She can celebrate her child and not force him to do things he doesn't want to do. Real talk: you don't know this person or their child. You know NOTHING. Your pathetic, unsolicited opinion is pure shite. You're just a troll who came here solely to piss on someone's wheaties.
@@MrGoranPa who says he didn’t want it?
Wow! This is spot on. I was married to a narcissist who's birthday fell two days after mine. My birthday was so stressful for 17 years. I knew that 2 days after my birthday he would have a hissy fit because my friends would send me gifts and I would get more cards than he would. I’m so glad I can quietly enjoy or ignore my birthday now.
I forgot to add that I divorced him after 17 years. Scary to be on my own with two kids but the best years of my life.
@sanji1701 2 kids are better than 3, in your case. Glad you're doing better ❤
I’d say this goes for any celebration too. One of my friends has never had her husband want to celebrate anything for her like a promotion, birthday, graduation, etc. but he expected the minuscule accomplishments he had to have a parade.
I get what you said! So true.
What a piece of work that tool is.
Absolutely!
It's unbelievable how these personality disorders are almost identical.
My ex expected a carnival float just for washing her teacup.
My Mum & my sister were both like this! It wasn't until I saw this that it made sense. Mum has passed now & I've cut ties with the rest of my family. I spent a lifetime trying to get it right for both of them and never achieving it. I always dreaded their birthdays. Anything you gave was always dismissed in favour of some crappy gift bought by someone less relevant like a neighbour or a 'friend' they barely new. All those years of heartbreak explained in 10 minutes. I wish I'd known all this when it mattered. I wouldn't have bothered trying. Thank you!
I thought this oddness about birthdays was particular to my mother. She even made me dread my own birthday. It all makes sense now that this is normal behavior for many narcissists.
Same , literally turn my phone off and enjoy my day how I like to til the next , so scarred lol. Last year was my mom 50th, she spent the whole 2 months before saying no one cares, if you get her something you’re faking it … didn’t want to.. whatever. When the day came it was so so weird .. couldn’t even stomach the cake how bitter she made everythingGod bless our moms please save them
I think the same about my ex narc man!
I still get anxious around my birthday 😬 hate it.
30 years old and I still can’t stand the idea of throwing a party/having a party for myself. Come to think of it, it was always stressful.
I'm with you. I hate my bday so much now due to abuse. Also Christmas.
I had a friend that I called at midnight to wish a happy birthday, sang to her and talked with her for 20 minutes. The next day I bought her a small gift, some candy and a card and attended her birthday lunch with her family. I went home and immediately had to leave to celebrate another birthday which she knew about ahead of time. Mind you, we are adults (27 yrs old) She sulked the entire way home, and treated me as if I completely ruined her birthday because I didn’t plan her a grand surprise for the rest of the evening. She admitted she had made up a scenario in her head that I had an entire night planned to celebrate her and she gave me hell when it didn’t happen. What the heck?! I cut the friendship off shortly after.
Side note: a few months before her birthday, she complained about how terrible all of her previous birthdays had been. I now understand that she will never be happy. I can’t understand the mindset of narcissists.
They are children.mature.No real partners.
Have you ever thought that maybe she had bad birthdays and she wanted you to celebrate her like I understand where she could be a narcissist but also it’s like if she told you a month before she’s had terrible birthdays maybe she was telling you a month prior because she was hoping someone would care enough to give her a good birthday and it made her really disappointed when once Again another year nobody did
@@moonchild913 I can see your point! I agree with you, however I didn’t initially mention that her family made reservations at her favorite restaurant, she received a ton of money and nice expensive gifts from friends and family. She was surrounded with friends and family from the morning up until around 7pm (I left around 6). She had a really nice birthday, she decided to pull a guilt trip for many other reasons that I didn’t share on this thread.
Growing up my narcissistic sister got these lavish and expensive birthdays and I essentially had to fight for pizza and a movie rental sleepover with friends. I litterally wrote in my diary that I didn't think my mother loved me as much as my sister because she never put any energy onto me. As an adult I understand that she was worn thin by my sister and she had no money or energy left for me, but it still hurts.
Sounds like your mother was the flying monkey to your narc sister. My best friend has this exact situation.
If it’s any consolation, you are not alone there. That very much resonated with me too. My older brother was basically the same.
What a wretched mother you had. 🤮
I’m glad you realized it wasn’t you. She was probably internally relieved that she didn’t have to destroy herself and find the money to deal with you and how you weren’t a stressful basket case.
Growing up you see Batman as a hero. As an adult you understand Joker as the villain.
I think birthdays need to be celebrated. I love celebrating my families birthdays and often celebrate their days over the weekend for my kids. My family also puts on a thoughtful meal and cake for me. I feel it’s just a memory and it’s precious- the kids love it.
Why is a birthday such a big deal. I can't stand my family member who always makes such a big deal out of a birthday. Get a cake and have a small gathering of family and don't make such a big deal. Kids love it because you taught them to. Be more humble.
@@linjicakonikon7666 I don't get triggered. Watch the video. Only a narc goes all out for birthdays. It's just another day.
@@networth00that's not accurate. The video doesn't say only narcs are like that.
Some people love their birthday because their parents never celebrated it. Some people like it because their parents didnt love them at all and this is their way of feeling loved. Some people like it because culture likes birthdays.
It's not about being humble. It's good to celebrate and feel loved by those you love.
Actually, you telling somebody else be to humble over something like this makes you seem bitter, not humble.
Last year was the best birthday I have had in a long time, I decided to go out without my narcissistic partner. So when I got home that evening he decided to say “Why would you celebrate without me? I may have had something planned for you!” I asked him “well did you?” His response “no but you didn’t know that.” So a couple of days before his birthday I say “ Guess what I’m getting you for your birthday?” 🥳 He was all smiles 😁 just a cheesing from ear to ear... and he says “um, um I don't know. What are you getting me?”... I said, “the same thing you got me for my birthday 🎉 “. He thought about it and that smile disappeared quickly ( he didn't get me anything on my birthday) and I started to lmao 🥳🎉🤭😂🤣😂🤣😂... It was just a small victory in this hell I'm currently living in but it sure was empowering 💃🏽🤗😉
So good! 😊💃
😆😆😆
this type of tit for tat never teaches a narc the lesson tho, it just gives then amo for their constantly churning plans on guilting you later
I used to give my narc ex lots of gifts he never gifts me anything
@@TheOneanjel Yep! He'll simply play the martyr now about how he's not good at buying birthday gifts or planning parties or some such nonsense.
My ex had “two birthdays”. On his actual birthday, two years I was with him, I couldn’t get anything right and he spent most of the day mad at me. I went WAY out of my way both times. Out of love, and out of fear (since he had mentioned a million times how important his bday is to him). His “second birthday” is actually his adoption day and I’d forgotten as I’m not used to people having 2 bdays. After I realized what day it was I told him we should go out to dinner, told him to pick anywhere, and he chose Applebees. After we left all he did was complain and say I ruined his “birthday” and he didn’t even want to eat there, AND that he would never eat there again.
My friend that works at that Applebees told me he and his new gf go in there regularly.
Everything you do will be wrong, and everything they do is to torture you. The end.
He wanted his wife to celebrate the day his parents adopted him? Shouldn't that have been something he did with his parents? He wasn't your child. My husband and his sister are both adopted and as adults they no longer celebrate it.
“Some by prayer and fasting…”
@@yeshuahamashiach8556 exactly!!!
What is it with these people trying to have two birthdays!? My narc also wanted to celebrate the birthday of a character she made based on herself for a fictional story....and got mad i didn’t give her a card that day...
I have read several stories of narcissistic mothers turning their children's birthdays into "the anniversary of when I gave birth to you" and completely co-opt the day into their day, expecting presents from all her kids, basically making each of her kid's birthdays into Mother's Days as well has having actual Mother's Day and their own Birthdays.
I always wish moms happy labor day immediately after the birthday wishes. Not because anyone told me to, I've just always thoughts it's a nice acknowledgment of the pain and suffering moms go through bringing you into the world.
Ew. You have kids so you can give to them not receive from them.
This is exactly how my poor stepkids are treated by their mom who spends the whole party telling stories about how hard it was while she was pregnant with them.
I know a mother who expects the child to be wished a happy birthday and expects to be invited over to cake. Man I pulled that tooth very fast. Yes thanks for giving life, yes it's hard but it's not your birthday and the birthday person should get the cake!
You learn who cares about you on your birthday, i truly believe your birthday is the test. If your family gives full attention to other members of the family but nothing for yours, it's definitely a power move.
I had a significant birthday last year, Dad did a little bit, but acted as if he was put out, he wasted my time. No more of that, I went no contact this Easter. He's a bully, insecure and immature, not worth the little time he bothers, and wants excessive prasise. He doesn't get that praise. His loss, my gain: self-respect/love and relief not to be his landfill for his toxic trash!
When I first got married, I liked having my birthday acknowledged by my husband. He would do the minimum. I would always make big deals about his birthdays. Every year, my husband would do less and less for my birthday. I became more and more upset. Finally I dreaded my birthday as I knew my husband would make the effort to care less and less. This was a symptom of the larger issues of our marraige. I am now so happy to not have a husband who used my bday to punish me for something. Birthdays are meaningful for some and meaningless for others. Treat each person accordingly. Don’t use it as a tool for pain.
if he did 'the minimum', how could he do less and less every year?
@@vonjunzt4130 good point. But with him it was possible :)
@@PlaywithDaisy maybe. Perhaps I expected too much by being the breadwinner, homekeeper, and stable influence. I should have been happy to give everything and get nothing in return. Oh wait, I did get complaints about how he had to do laundry once a week. But maybe that was fair since he didn’t work and stayed up partying with friends every night. Yeah you are right. It was my fault. :) so much happier now wo him though:)
@@PlaywithDaisy it's sort of funny reading a narcissist responding to a narcissists comment on a video about narcissists lol
@@PlaywithDaisy so if she didn't work she would be the problem? I don't think a person has to say everything single thing that they do to win over someone. It was clear that she felt neglected and he made it a point to not care about her. We have to really understand the difference between conditional and unconditional love.
This is a good one to cover. I had a narc that acted like her birthday was a national holiday. It was so annoying. And you are right, it was weird yr after yr. She would try to get me caught up by doing something for mine, so that I was obligated to be on the hook for hers. I hated it!!! I'm so glad she's not my friend anymore!
As a child I used to be pretty excited and loved celebrating my birthday with friends...and loved the one day admiration and validation I got for that just one day. But sadly eventually over the years as I grew up, i slowly hating my birthday as it would bring up a lot of tension, insults and later on verbal and physical abuse. My extremely narcissist parents made me feel guilty obligated as if a big favour is being done by them for simple gestures like bringing a cake or by remembering the day. I remember crying my eyes out due to the verbal abuses thrown out by my narcissistic mother as I would beg her to stop for just one day As a result of all this now I celebrate my birthday on my own....giving a myself a treat or whatever I love doing with no narcissistic obligations. I hope slowly I am able to heal from this and make peace with it.
I resonate 💚I do exactly the same thing. Make myself feel special and appreciate that I made another year. So sorry you had those experiences too🙏May you continue to heal and grow stronger.
Celebrating birthdays alone is awesome ☺️
YES!! Every time... some drama is coming up because of his birthday. He was never satisfied.
Dad nitpicks at me, he's a jerk and a control freak. I deserve a beter father!
I had a friend who I'm sure is a narcissist. She always made a point that her birthdays sucked when she was a kid and that she wanted to turn that around in her adult life.
When she was about to turn 30 she expected people to pay for a venue, band, food and alcohol. She talked about it for 2 years. It didn't happen because of the pandemic but mainly because she had saved up 0 cents for it and nobody else wanted to pay for it.
However I treated her with a day at the spa and while it wasn't perfect in her eyes she was content anyway. Kind of grumpy that I didn't take her to dinner as well but ffs I'm poor and can't splurge.
We're not friends anymore because she uses and abuses her friends.
Reading your comment, you seem like a good friend. Her loss
@@miguelheat Thank you. ❤ I have tons of experience with bad friends so I definitely know how to not behave.
@@SpookiCookijust pointing out the obvious ✌. Me too. Still learning the "how not to behave" part, though, that's a great skill to hone 👌
It might be true that she was a victim of neglect and that made her a narcissist or she might have been spoied and ungreatful for what she did have. She is certainly ungreatful today.
@@catwitdabigdog1642 That is true. She was neglected as a child by both her parents. Her father didn't even cook for her but instead left her money to buy food. She was like 7 so she bought candy and ate candy for dinner all the time while he was away at work.
But from her teenage years and onwards she had a village so to speak that would help her. And she took us for granted because everyone owed her that in her mind.
Her car broke down? Just complain about it until someone fixes it for her. Her laptop broke? Complain until someone lends her their laptop (that she would keep.) She has no food? Maybe don't tell anyone that she bought snacks instead of food so someone will buy her dinner.
Has no money left for rent? Time to beg for money from mom or dad but neglect to tell them she has money, she just intended to spend them on clothes and shoes.
It just goes on and on. I must have been very lonely to put up with that for 10 years.
When I was about 17, my little brother and I tried to organise a surprise 50th birthday party for my mum. She's like the people you described in the video who pretend they hate their birthday and respond to any presents or congratulatory comments with contempt, but who would also go into total victim-mode if anyone forgot, so we genuinely (naively) thought organising a lovely big fuss for her with all her family and friends would make her happy.
We began the preparations in secret, but one day, my mum found our list of names and to-dos, and realised what we were doing. She was furious - she had a huge fight with my dad about not stopping us from doing this terrible thing, shouted at us, and then gave us the huffy silent treatment and dirty looks for a while. We had to call everyone on the list and tell them the party was off, which was not a pleasant task, especially when they asked why.
To soothe our tears, my dad (who has always tried to make excuses for her) explained to us that we'd simply invited some relatives she didn't like to the party (we weren't aware of the politics), and that she was probably upset because she didn't want to see people she disliked, or for them to know her real age. I remember thinking even then that this was strange... Because even if we were presumptuous in planning a party for her, surely the kind thing to do would be to simply sit us down and tell us that gently? She could have said that, although she appreciated the thought, and understood we were just trying to do something nice for her, this wasn't what she wanted? It baffles me now, as a mum myself, as to how she could rail against her own children and punish them with her coldness. We were just kids - how she could presume bad intentions when it so clearly was an innocent mistake?
All the same, I remember feeling so bad and guilty for ages after that. I felt like we'd done something really awful, and that our mum thought less of us because of it. I realise now that it had nothing to do with us, and that her reaction said more about her own issues than our worth as children. It's a huge relief now to see things from this point of view, so thanks @DoctorRamani for everything you do. You really do change lives. ❤️
You didn't make an innocent mistake. You made lovely plans for a person you loved. I'm sorry she made you feel this way.
Your action was so loving and thoughtful. Stay you!!
Did the same thing at the suggestion of his friend (a friend who didn’t even go to the last-minute surprise birthday party) and he was so angry and told me that he had hated surprises and hated celebrating birthdays (which I had no idea was the case as we were only together for less than a month at that time) and we’ve been together for a while now yet he always brings up about how I managed to make his birthday about myself because I apparently, threw the surprise party for my happiness not his? Even I would never wish that kind of last-minute planning and hassle on anyone.
This so resonates with me. My old boss and I had a very good relationship. She also loves parties! When she was turning 40 I began planning something with a mix of work colleagues and her family whom I knew. They were all game. She found , freaked out and made me call everyone and cancel. Even her dad expressed to her disappointment with her behavior and inappreciativeness. I did not realize then she was a narcissist. It took a few years and other actions on her part for me to fully understand this is what she was. This birthday video and comment really brought that incident home lol
I'm sorry you had to go through that and probably many more incidents where your mother hurt you as a child. I hope you are doing okay now as an adult! God bless you ♥️!
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for the insight and understanding that you have made possible over the past years. I turned 60 this month. The last birthday that I actually celebrated was when I was nine years old. My dad was still alive back then and I remember that he baked me my last birthday cake. After the death of my dad, my mother decided to celebrate herself on my birthday. Her argumentation was that I didn't do anything on the day I was born...she did. She expected me to treat her to dinner at the least, also expecting praise and thanks for "giving me life". If children are shamed, have their will broken and their wings clipped like I did (along with all the others unfortunate enough to be born into an environment with a narcessistic parent) you learn to withdraw into yourself, be a server and helper and not see much value in yourself. I knew something was not normal but I didn't know what it was and I had no idea on how to bring about a change. She took me out of school at 14 although I was a good student and loved to learn...never let a narcessist know how much you enjoy something...it will be taken from you - from the very people who claim to love you. My grandfather was a narcessist, no help there. My grandmother was a victim too...no help there either.
After 3 years of being my moms servant at home ( and receiving snide and unkind remarks by outsiders on why I wasn't in school and why don't I work?)
God stepped in to touch my situation. I ended up going to school as a young adult and becoming successful in a very good job. She bragged that it was due to her that this was possible...of course. She sabotaged and shamed me where she could...and due to this mindset she created, I ended up not going through doors that were offered to me and self-sabotaged myself. I decided early that I didn't want to get married or have a family...that I would just stay single and serve my church, my family and community. I had one moment, where I was open to the thought of marriage. Of course my queen mum was not amused. She shamed, belittled and made fun of me. My husband was rather shocked and asked why I put up with such behavior. She was not present when I got married - at age 45 (!) - and I am relieved to this very day that she wasn't.
God blessed my husband and me with a healthy son...a true miracle baby, considering I only had a 1 percent chance of even becoming a mom...I have the best husband I could wish for and an amazing, talented and kind son. The wait was well worth it.
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for your wonderful, heartfelt and helpful videos. They have been a big help to me on my healing journey, which started soon after my mother's death 10 years ago...and continues to do so💝
Your experience with your mum made me cry. I'm so happy to read you are healing and married a good person -- and had your miracle baby! Happy belated birthday and many more!
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
So glad to hear a happy ending! Good for you, you deserve it! And happy birthday!
Good grief...
Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you a very happy birthday❣️☀️
My narcissistic abuser has always carried on about their birthday saying things like dont get me anything for my birthday, mainly because his expectations are way beyond my bank balance.
After 20 years of doing my best with gifts etc last year i wouldn't even wish him happy birthday.... that hit him hard and it took him days before he asked why and i said well you carry on about not wanting anything so i gave you your wish...... his only reply was what not even a happy birthday and my reply was well becareful what you ask for or it will come true.....😂😂😂
My ex-friend (emphasis on the “ex”) was exactly like this. She literally slept through my college graduation ceremony because it wasn’t important enough to her to write the date on her calendar and set an alarm clock. But, a few years later, she was planning a big birthday outing for herself and her friends that included brunch and a spa. Was her 38th - not even a milestone birthday. I could only go to the brunch and told her that I had to back out of the spa portion of the day but I still bought a gift and card for her and called her the day of to wish her happy birthday. She was so mad at me for backing out of the spa portion that she told me to forget about coming to the brunch and she then ghosted me for six months after that. Even after we finally reconnected, things were tense between us and I could tell that she still hadn’t forgiven me for “forgetting” her birthday, but that she had conveniently forgotten that she did actually forget my graduation. Our friendship finally ended for good shortly thereafter.
Oof, what a nightmare. Glad you got out of that toxic friendship!
Ugh. Too much drama.
Lucky for you!!!
Yep I had one of those frenemies before. NEVER again and I hope she goes straight to haeLL
It's like a deep sigh of relief from the bottom of your soul when you finally get rid of them.
You're spot on Dr. Ramani. I've been married to my current narcissist for 15 years. I just learned a few years ago that there is a personality disorder called NPD. And, my husband has all the symptoms, to a very large degree. Before I knew he had this disorder I noticed that he was ridiculously childish and mean on this birthday. I can recall thinking, what in the world is wrong with him? About three months before his birthday he starts reminding me of the date. He will tell me what he wants, and how excited he is about his birthday. It doesn't matter what kind of gift he is given or how wonderful his special day is - he always gets very upset. It's like he is totally nuts. He is depressed for several weeks afterward. It's pretty wild to watch. And, of course, I am his scape goat. My personal opinion is that my husband wants to be worshipped. The kind of worship that not even God Almighty wants from people. It's pretty sickening.
Til death do us part or are you feeling more ready to leave and get your life back?
Dear Jeanette, I wist you all the courage & strength in the world, to choose in your own best interest. Cause some battles you just cannot win....
It’s interesting that in the Bible the original narcissist is Satan the devil, who wanted to be worshipped instead of God… and in fact invented celebrating birthdays! Birthdays come from false religion and the only two birthdays mentioned in the Bible are when prophets of God were murdered. Also birthdays are a central part of Satan worship… just interesting…
I am sorry you have gone thru that I wish you a healthier environment!
worship is a very good term. they need it to support their false self to survive, because a false self can't stand on its own. When this illusion breaks, all the fragmentation of the true self come up and can produce a state of deep depression, anger or a delusional state
Thank you for this very eye-opening analysis. My ex once gave me a chocolate bar for my birthday in place of a cake because he "didn't know how" to order a cake and said that I should appreciate his effort. On the other hand, I always went all out to order a special cake for him on his birthday and made sure he felt special. The week after he told me that he was leaving me for a woman he met in a bar because they liked the same kind of music, he told me that he was going to celebrate with her on his actual birthday at "their" bar, then come back to the house the next day so that I could treat him to his fancy birthday cake. He could not figure out why I refused . . . been divorced for 6 years and have never been happier.
Holy moley. Well, just know that he is someone else's problem now! Good for you!
He probably acted like he was doing you a favor when he assumed you would thrilled to celebrate his day.
@@aviewer9516 Yep! I don't know whether to hate her or thank her! LOL
@@michellebehr7669 Indeed, he did! Always had to be the center of attention.
WoW!! That is some dude, there are no words for him! So glad you have moved on!
In recent years, I’ve made it a point to take a couple of days off from work to reflect and relax for my birthday. I do let other people know, but I don’t have high expectations of people to go all out. I was disappointed that I didn’t hear from two people I considered friends. However, I realize that life happens and it’s easy to forget as we get older.
As someone who’s primary love language is that of receiving (and giving) gifts…I love celebrating birthdays!
I don’t understand a person who gets mad on their birthday. Life is too precious and way too short!
I knew my ex was a narcissist when he refused to spend my birthday celebrating with me. I went out on my own with friends and refused to let him get me down. I later found out he was at a different party and slept with someone else without telling me. Previously, he had refused to spend New Year’s Eve with me, then Valentine’s Day, and his own birthday also. This was the straw that broke the camels back.
I have a fiancé now and he spends every important date with me without even needing to be asked. He actually enjoys my company I guess, what a concept! 🤷♀️
I refused to spend new years and Valentine's day with my ex , I earn lots on new years and I was working valentines , but I made him a gift and gave it to him the day after , I got nothing
🌞
@@karenwilliams5941 one narc ex of mine had a gift in each pocket. I could only choose one: sexy underwear was one, the other was chocolate golf balls, meaning if I ate the candy, my butt would develp cellulite similar to a golf ball texture. Aren't these stories fun to hear?
Sounds like he was just a non committed to you cheater.
@@coolwater55 that was part of it, but he also did other things, such as telling me not to speak or laugh in public because I embarrassed him, making fun of the way I dressed or expressed myself to the point where I changed my style completely to his wishes, and he made flippant remarks when I opened up to him about a cancer scare.
I had a narcissistic family member ghost me for 2 years after they stole money, then out of the blue, they send me an email reminding me it was their birthday. I was dumbfounded at the time but now I understand why.
This hits home. I ended my relationship w/ my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex on his birthday it got so bad. It landed on a Thursday, I had work in the AM, and we already had plans for Saturday for his birthday. I wanted to stay in and go to bed, but he didn't. I ended up attempting to go out, but he was still bitching in the passenger seat of my car on the way out and I snapped. kicked him out of my car onto the side of the road and I went back home, went to bed, woke up, went to work, and moved out that afternoon. One of my proudest moments. Fuck em
there was also a complete meltdown after he stormed into the apt after walking back. threw all my stuff everywhere while terrifying my cat and me. unbelievable.
Nice! My Narc ex girlfriend made my birthday an awful experience when she had promised it would be a great day together. Update… my birthday and the one year anniversary of her ruining the last one was this weekend and I got an opportunity to tell her in a way that she couldn’t portray herself as a victim, how awful she was and how I didn’t miss her at all or ever want to be with her or anyone like her ever again. Then I got to block her which is really satisfying for someone who has been discarded in the past.
They drive you to that extreme. Slow clap for you. They were probably stunned on the side of the road. I love that you went to bed and slept so well.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That was me Leah and that's not how it went down. But if you want to post stuff on RUclips to make yourself feel better I say enjoy your sad little life. Another trait of a narcissist is to tell outlandish stories to make people feel sorry for them. Hey Leah, indeed, fuck em
Omggggggggg yessssssssss!!!! … girl I’m having anxiety now thinking about childrens father bday … ITS TODAY July 31 girrrl I left him a week ago … I already he expects me to say or do something for his birthday lmaoo I’m in a whole another state! But it’s still making me anxious i use to over plan every year for 6yrs …. That’s some ungrateful shit considering you had to go to work and you still tried doing something even tho you had something planned smhhhh that’s good that was your breaking point to leave!
It was ALL about their birthday and mine was always weird. He hated MY birthday & always made it sad.🤬
My mother passed almost five years ago, and I STILL feel anxious, concerned, and fearful leading up to her birthday. My sister and I tried so hard, every year, even when we were just children, to meet her expectations. The trouble is, we didn't know what those expectations were... So we were doomed to fail. And to have her gimlet-eyed 'disappointment' shine down upon us.
Oh YES. You’re not actually my sister are you??
@@katesmyth4839 lol - we are all sisters (and brothers) here in our shared experience aren't we? xxx
I completely understand!
Damn..
I think you are my sister....
My ex Narc husband was turning 40 so I asked him if he wanted a party. He said no, no, no right up until a few days before then he threw a tantrum and wanted a party. Me knowing how he is about his birthday I arranged a surprise party. He was unbearable right up until the room opened up and everyone yelled surprise!!! He switched instantly to Mr Wonderful while I went to the bar and had several stiff drinks. I later found out that he had rang around the family and complained to them how everyone had forgotten his special day not knowing about the surprise party. No matter what I did for his Bday it wasn’t right. I only had one party in my life and he did everything to spoil it for me. I still hate that man so much for spoiling every special day in my life!
I can see why he's an ex... The part about him switching to his charming personality gave me chills. I wish you many, many joyful and drama-free special occasions!
Narcissism needs to be diagnosable and treated. Not only do they ruin everyone’s life, they ruin their own lives
My mum counts how many cards she has and compares them to the year before or says 'I bet nobody else gets that many cards'. She also reels off a list of all the presents she has been given. For my own birthday this year we spent it with me running her around town to appointments for her. I bought myself my favourite cheese and a bread roll for lunch and sat in the garden to eat it, 2 bites in she had dropped something in the kitchen that she needed me to clear up immediately (she of course stood there telling me I was doing it wrong.) After telling me 'maybe I have better birthdays than you' when I said this wasn't how I wanted to spend my birthday I walked out. I held it together until she was still making digs at me as I walked to my car, I told her to eff off and called her a selfish bitch. Today is my first day of no contact, I don't think she's even realised yet.
hows the no contact feel a couple days in?
@@Daniel-Q.-Phantom-esq. Like a weight off my shoulders. She called yesterday to ask if I was giving her a lift to the hospital next week and to say that I had had a go at her over nothing. I put the phone down.
@onewomanandherdog5219 good for you stay strong! I know how hard it is and the guilt you can feel and just forgive them. But when you start healing it gets much easier. Love yourself and know your worth 💛
@@onewomanandherdog5219Send her ass a text: "Get an Uber", then ignore any excuses she texts after. Narc mothers are the worst, I have 1.
Wow, sorry to hear that. I am surprised that she even keeps count of cards from last year.
IT's kind of sad to see someone's mind just ruining themselves and getting them upset over nothing.
Narcissists are all about "It's all about me"... pathetic.
After 30 seconds to a minute after asking me how/what I am doing, my narc dad turns the conversation to himself. I don't deal with him(barely, now, not at all).
I think it's more that it's a hook they can use to make you bow to them. They get 'points' every time they can manipulate another person.
I’ll never forget being extremely sick on one of my ex’s birthdays. We had to celebrate it late because I had the flu or something. 6 months later when it was my birthday he told me he purposely ruined the day and was mean to me “because I ruined his birthday first.”
Oh my how I can relate to this!
Glad he's your ex!
Wtf 😮
My mum sent a hoovering letter yesterday and guess what? It's 18 days until her birthday! Thank you for confirming what I thought
rebecca bowden,Your lovely smile ☺️can make the news.....
I'd ignore her, maybe she'll get the hint, that is doubtful. My dad won't be hearing from me on Father's Day anymore. He's a jerk. I deserve better than him for a father!
Of all days to release this video, it’s on my birthday…yikes. I know I am recovering/healing from narcissistic relationship experiences but honestly this is making me step back to reflect on my own behavior from years past and how to look at this year and beyond too. Thanks for this gift Dr. Ramani.
Happy birthday! It’s my birthday today as well. I hope today is extra special you after your narcissistic experience.
@@yvonneneal8063 Thank you, I hope your birthday is great as well! Cheers to growing, healing, and moving ahead!
Happy Birthday!!
Happy birthday, Lindsay! Hope it's a great one!!
Thank you so much@@DoctorRamani! This means so much coming from you! You are one of my biggest inspirations, I’ve learned so much from you, and I hope to work in mental health one day and use your work as a compass to guide my healing and potential career paths moving forward.
I always feel a little guilty on my birthday because usually nobody cares, but then someone will always ask me what I did. It's like they don't like hearing that I didn't celebrate it with anyone. I always do something for myself - go for a nice drive, eat lots of my favourite food, or something like that, but I rarely spend it with anyone. I feel like I have to live up to others' expectations, like it's supposed to be this great day where I go out on a date and then have a party with a bunch of people or something.
It’s YOUR day to do exactly what YOU please don’t give a rats ass about what other people think you should do
Just give a narcissist for a birthday or whatever money they love money😂😂😂
If you’re spending it how you really want to, you’re doing it right!! 🎉
You don't owe them anything! Go ahead and enjoy your birthdays, I order dinner delivered and talk with my friends and my mom/her family, who cares. Dad doesn't care!(barely, and resents doing that, he's pathetic!)
No matter what I did for the narc’s birthday, it was never enough…even if it was EXACTLY what he asked for. Lots of sulking. I remember one time he felt slighted because I got him the “WRONG” chocolate cake.
Of course, my birthday was regularly ignored or sabotaged.
Well if you listened you'd know it was the silk chocolate they wanted...SMH I'm kidding but have been there and how dare they treat anyone like that. Blessings 💜
@@zynlove6867 That made me laugh. 🎂
Me too!!!
Hope you’ve left the loser.
I got him gifts, he'd return some, or ask what makes you think I'd like that. My birthday was forgotten.
2nd narc took great pleasure telling me the birthday gift I got him broke, because he left it out in a near tornado......uh, thanks? I said nothing, just heard his delight in telling me about it.
My ex is weird about birthdays! For his bday, he is king! A celebrity!!
He would buy his own lavish gifts, but act offended when I didn't get him much (we shared a bank account and he made most of the money, and he controlled 100% of the money).
He took a whole bday month.
He was always so ungrateful for the gifts that others would buy for him.
I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that anymore... but still to some extent he expects me to get him gifts "from the kids" 🙄
I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach a few weeks before his bday.
@Clara A 100% TRUE!
Yep. As the non-narcissistic child, my birthdays always took a back seat to my sisters. I'd get complaints about having 2-3 friends over for movie and pizza while my older sister got trips to Banff, a rented hot tub and an expensive 5 star restaurant. My childhood journal is filled with these inequities, and although hindsight makes me understand it to be more squeaky wheel than favoritism, it still hurts.
My experience exactly. For their 21st, both my sisters got nice parties thrown for them at restaurants (one very very expensive). I got a casserole at my parents. My mum then went on about how delicious her casserole was for the rest of the night. And yes, I am the middle child too.
Well, I would prompt my mom about a week before as I preferred her cheesecake (cream cheese & canned cherries, so easy!) to a store bought cake. Lucky I was the first winter bday.
My poor sisters were about 9 or 10 years apart, but birthdays were only 3 days apart. My narc mother consistently "forgot" the oldest birthday and spoiled the youngest. It was painful to see the neglect. Until my older sister moved put at 18 & suddenly my mom was sending "Care" packages 800 miles away to a daughter she barely acknowledged when she lived at home.
🤗🤗🤗 so sorry you had to experience this. Now you can celebrate 🎊 🎉you when ever you’re ready! Happy Birthday 🎂🎁🎊🎉 for all the birthday’s you were cheated out of!
@@daisycache7949 Interesting about the middle child. Me too, and I never got to fulfill the things I wanted to do, but my siblings on either side did.
sounds very much like my experience growing up....it takes its toll because we obviously see the difference, we get crumbs while they get the works. Disgusting!
8:16 time stamp. The "malignant" narcissist. Listening up to this point, I began doubting that he fit the mold because he wants his birthday ignored. Which really takes away from others in the family enjoying their birthday. If you don't want to make mention of it, fine. But don't spoil it for everyone else. My 2020 birthday will never be forgotten. it was a compete horrid day, thanks to him.
Reading all these comments of everyone’s stories is just chilling to me. It’s helpful and validating that everyone has had such similar experiences as I have had but just absolutely terrifying how many narcissists are out there. Thank you Dr Ramani for these videos. I can’t even explain how helpful it is to have so many explanations for the different types of abuse
I'm frustrated by how much denial there is still out there in the world, given how many of us seem to have had these experiences -- I'm so sick of the flying monkeys, the enablers -- some of them will fight to keep you trapped in that relationship, caring for the elder narcissist, so that THEY don't have to deal with it
How come all the narcissists are out there? Yet I’ve never seen anyone admit to being one. I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks you are a narcissist. We should all focus on being the best version of ourselves, and giving grace rather judging and pointing fingers.
@@amarbyrd2520 agreed! I think the denial also seems to make everything much worse!
Great video.
My best friend of 15+ years was a narcissist before I finally got smart and removed that nonsense from my life. Every year before her birthday she would start talking about "the big day", and how she wanted to celebrate on a grand scale. Sometimes that meant flying to a destination and other times it meant a group dinner with gifts, music, etc. If she could have arranged fireworks, trust me, she would have. And if anyone dared to somehow forget her birthday she would fly into a rage. This is my take: For a narcissist, the day they enter the world is the most important day of the year. Don't you dare question that, either.
Sounds like my “friend “. Now I don’t acknowledge her birthday, refuse to attend, and “forget to call”. She’s 66 years old. Get over it
This is so TRUE ! Family members in their 60’s STILL act like total babies about their birthdays. And expect everyone to praise them and fawn all over them , so ridiculous.
I have a sister who is 36 years old. Her birthday is in the end of May and the whole month is her birthday month to celebrate. No joke it will May 1st and she will be so rude to people and when asked why she will respond with "it's my birthday this month so this month is all about me". She is my mother's favorite child so my mother thinks it's cute and quirky when she acts like that. It gets worse the closer the days get to her birthday. Even the last week of the month which is when her birthday has already passed she is still expecting people to treat her like a princess.
My narc dad thinks I should be happy to get scraps, if those, if and when he can be bothered. What a jerk! I want to cry just thinking about him!
I made myself ill over birthdays and Christmas with worry that it didn’t matter what I did ,how special I made it that I felt like I’d done something wrong .
He would say oh I’m just not used to anyone caring about my birthday …we’d been together 20 years and I’d always made a big effort .Always said he loved Christmas too but it was a very stressful time for me knowing no matter what I did something wasn’t quite right .
This has given me a little peace knowing it probably wasn’t me in the wrong .