The pursuing reinforces the anxiety, because the anxiety is fuelling the pursuing. Once you stop, the anxiety isn't fed, and the deeper belief that you need to chase love can heal.
@marguskiis7711 Even if they have options, what kind of options are they? Personally, I had a lot of options, and they were practically all toxic, married, had girlfriends, mean, avoidant, and the list goes on.
@@dclarke1896 choosing a man today is like choosing between Beaker and Animal from the Muppet Show. What a ride! I just realized Kermit the frog is an avoidant.😂
Broke up with an avoidant this morning after almost a year together. Reciprocity wasn’t there and when life tossed me the biggest curveball he wasn’t there for me. I’m at peace with my decision. Onward and upward!
You go girl! I'm stuck 5yrs now......and up to this morning he said "I did nothing wrong" 😂😂😂😂 I tell him okay, then this is over he storms out and 3hrs later I get kissy face gif🙄
💯 anxious people aren't always "needy" sometimes they're used to being abandoned when the chips are down* and they sense it's about to happen again... the gut is never wrong.*
Exactly same as my experience. Got a massive curve ball myself - terrible personal loss. Had been there for her and all her 4 yrs of life curveballs. And in my time of need, she said she had met somebody else .... wtf
So basically, to be in a relationship with an avoidant, you have to act like you're single the whole time and the avoidant is someone you may or may not see for a date night or talk to on any given day. Think of them like one of your friends that you get together with to hang out occasionally. That's it. Nothing more.
@@elsiagrace2021 - I hope that’s not what you got from my video… Because that’s certainly not what I said. If you’re dating someone who’s avoidant, invite them to show up and meet what you desire in a relationship. If they cannot do that and are unwilling to change, staying and orienting around them and their needs will be a very fast track to a lot of suffering. This is true of any person you’re in relationship with no matter their attachment style
My avoidant was fine for a while, but too many life pressures kept piling up for him. Rather than talk with me, he iced me out. I think he was afraid of appearing weak with me. I tried to get him to open up, no dice. It was lovely for a while.
13 years married and have a child with a DA. He abruptly ended our relationship 3 months ago after travelling to Canada for a study work trip for 3 months. Hid freedom and time to think made him think life would be better without us. He completely blindsided me. He definitely appears to be going through something with him chucking clothes away, ending his business, ending his marriage saying he fell out of love for me. I did everything for him.
Dating an avoidant is extremely damaging. Even if you are secure when you meet them, you will end up not knowing which way is up or down. You’ll end up discombobulated and feeling like there is no safety, security, certainty, stability. It’s just a shitty dangerous dynamic. You’ll end up feeling more alone while in the relationship than you feel when you are actually alone. I actually ended up saying- in order to be with you I would need to abandon myself and that ain’t fucking happening.
100% this, i was incredibly secure when i met him (i actually didnt want to date him again after our first date but he convinced me with his 'charm') - 7 month relationship and been broken up for 7/8 months (still had contact etc.) and i have never felt so insecure and damaged because of his avoidant tendencies and emotional unavailability
@@marguskiis7711 Yup, just got out of one after being together for about 3 years. I just couldn't bear it anymore, I went full emotional distance for about 2 weeks and then she finally ended the relationship as I didn't have the balls to do it myself because I was scared my self-esteem could become even worse.
You’re better off learning to identify the avoidant and simply avoid them for your own sanity. Even the most secure person will turn slightly anxious with the constant push pull dynamic that is part of the avoidant playbook.
I don't disagree - and the real gift to the avoidant is telling them the truth and calling them forward. Unfortunately their behaviour generally hooks into the wound of anxiously attached people.
I think avoidants are not THAT bad, mainly misunderstood, I think avoidants can change and given time, become mature and will can work on the relationship with you.
@@OriginDragonGod absolutely! imo it's sad so many focus on the avoidant's part in *negative* patterns instead of how anxious/avoidant dynamics can naturally encourage & reinforce the working on becoming more secure the video actually had some good info but their comments undermine it imo. ironically the more you respect avoidants' need for space & take responsibility for your own anxious tendencies the safer & more comfortable an avoidant becomes
@@r_and_a Well, you can't expect equality in every situation. The dynamics and perspectives are different. For example, anxious attached always look to fix their partners because that's external validation for them. Avoidants don't need that, so you'll find a lot of anxious types on these kinds of videos trying to learn about everything. Some are just trying to change their avoidant, while others like myself are trying to learn how to self regulate and understand the why. Avoidants don't really like to self reflect because, simply put, it's overwhelming. They don't know how to handle emotions. They mask everything but are internally struggling. I'm not saying they can't self reflect, they do weeks or months later, but they try to suppress and distract themselves; these are just coping mechanisms. What Anxious attachers do is try to fix or seek external validation and when they don't, they don't really know what to do and these videos help them cope. They also have a hard time self reflecting because that doesn't give them the external validation they need to feel secure. They generally have these two core wounds of abandonment or worthlessness. So, in short, you'll find anxious attachers here because they want to try to fix. You'll find some avoidants who are aware of their attachment and want to start their healing journey here. But unaware avoidants don't seek out these videos because that requires acknowledgement and that can be overwhelming. So I think the right perspective as you try to become secure is to not take things personally. Everyone is at a different stage in their journey and it might not match where you are at and that's okay. The comments are unhealthy and unhelpful, but these people are really hurting. Their experiences are as real as an avoidants' extreme desire to flee.
My 11 year old son told my husband and I after an argument. He said, "you guys are like two magnets facing opposite direction, if you would just face each other you would connect"
depends on what she does more. She did all nasty things like talking alot about her ex and very egocentric, not thinking of my wants and needs.. i wanted to end the relationship, but she doesnt so i kept going in hoop she would change.. no same weird cycle of getting me nerveus.. i went crazy, needed to go to therapie.. she ended the relationship and in my depression i stalked her.. Im still in therapy because of this relationship
I am secure attachment and love him enough that I called him out. He has a severe case and is very childlike emotionally. He speaks in a cryptic manner. He makes himself "unattractive" when complimented. I've been lied to, given the close-then-distant treatment, stonewalled, and just recently ghosted. I've even seen him have a tearless crying episode (it looked like maniacal laughter), and he was so full of the fear of never seeing me again. I love him and that's why I had to call him out. I told him I have researched avoidant attachment and told him of his cycles, patterns, stonewalling, etc. I told him he'll never have a meaningful relationship, but might find surface level relationships satisfactory due to not having to invest emotions. I told him that he needs the therapy to overcome this. I told him all these things out of my pure love, and yes, I then got ghosted. I can go on without him if I have to. It is up to him to go back into therapy to heal further, or not to and continue to live his avoidant life.
Well, telling an avoidantly attached person about their core wounds is “how to scare your avoidant away 101” that was never going to end well. Taking control from him and also highlighting what he feels deep down, that he is broken and will always ruin relationships.
@@norswil8763 Or, maybe this will be the wake up call he needs! Maybe he'll finally see common patterns and behaviors he's repeated in relationships. Maybe he'll start researching avoidant attachment, and realize what's been happening.
Girl I feel you. I had enough tho. Cannot do it anymore. Then they want to come back like nothing happened. It hurts because you love them and deep down you know they love you, but will that love get you through the up and down painful and emotional roller coaster? No. As hard as it is, we have to know when to let go.
@@kwbaby4297 Hey there. I wanted to let you know that I am a man. Yes, he and I are both men, and neither of us is effeminate. I don't have much of an ego, so I can really get into feelings as I did in my comment. I understand what you said, and being with an avoidant is like playing a losing game. However, if he decides to end no contact, I have a firm boundary in place: Therapy. Therapy can help people overcome avoidant attachment disorder, and get them to be earned secure attachment.
@@fishinthesea3454 The pain was already there, don't blame someone else. Here, we see that you're avoiding accountability and blaming someone else for the cause of your inner turmoil. Like clockwork... Get therapy so you can work through the emotions and learn how to sit with them instead of running away 100% of the time. It's no wonder you all are burnt out storing all those volatile emotions and never releasing them. It's hard to stay positive when you're keeping tabs on everything that happens and being resentful to your partner for trying to help you out. Anyone that is in a relationship with someone with one foot in and one foot out will have anxiety because they 'feel' like you don't fight for the relationship. No communication of emotions, no initiating anything, no priority, no nothing. "Does this person even love me?" and what do they do to see? They communicate, but that's the thing that scares them lmao. So when the secure or anxious partner is denied connection, it will make them more anxious... You literally play a role in this since you are showing interest in your partner. To say that you're "keeping the peace" by stonewalling and "never having issues" is doing the opposite of your intentions. You may be trying to protect yourself from an environment you're not even in anymore, but you're self sabotaging your relationship. They genuinely think they aren't doing anything wrong and when their partner is a hot, anxious mess by the end, they pull the BS cards out. "I'm not good enough for you (Literally avoiding accountability)," "You deserve better, I'm a burden," "I feel suffocated/trapped/unsafe/engulfed," "I feel like I'm losing myself/independence." The emotions get too much from suppressing everything because it's 'weak' to share emotions and they deactivate and discard. "I don't need anyone anyways," "They were going to leave me anyways (Justifying the discard)." They abandon their partner to avoid being rejected because they genuinely believe it's going to fail or they will just 'fall out of love.' I meant for this to be way shorter, but here we are... They think that the perfect relationship will have no conflict and endless patience, acceptance, and happiness. Living in a fantasy world of expectations. They don't know what healthy love is and it scares them when they get the real deal because they've never experienced it and self sabotage the ENTIRE time. It's just too much. We have our own issues to deal with, but it feels like you're dealing with a literal child who gets upset easily, storms off, or ignores you and genuinely doesn't know how to communicate how/what they're feeling because they simply don't know how... I rambled on for much too long...
not true at all. did you miss the part where he said anxious people also need to work on themselves? any insecure attachment can be harmful to a relationship if you're either unaware of it or unwilling to do the work.
He was all over me with romantic words and (unsatisfying) sex at the beginning, but as soon as I showed a desire for more depth, like having him come to my house for a change, he started announcing his need for space. He said, “Women want to make a nest and men just want to be free,” and other insulting nonsense. I dropped him like a hot potato at that moment. That was at least six months ago. He still texts me and a few days ago invited me to have dinner with him. I’ve ignored him, because I’ve seen what he has to offer, and it’s not enough for me. I will probably be alone the rest of my days, but that is far superior to spending my life catering to someone’s egotistical, puerile fantasy.
@robertahardy4215 i get where you're coming from , though doesn't necessarily mean you'll have to be alone the rest of your days. We can be clear about what we actually want and that is always a good thing. We don't have to settle for less. Raising the bar for ourselves and wanting reciprocation is definitely a requirement. Yes, it's preferable to be alone then to settle for someone that's selfish. The worse loneliness is living with someone who doesn't really care - been there, done that, no thanks ! Bless you and Best wishes ♥️🌟🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫
And great work dropping him like a hot potato... this type of behaviour, where the request for more depth is met with gaslighting BS, is a massive red flag. I acknowledge you for taking that stand. AND, committing a life of aloneness confirms a belief that when you love people, they are able to show up and meet you where you're at. Avoiding relationships doesn't allow us to learn the skills necessary to create epic ones. You can garner some incredible brilliance from all the moments of your relational life that have caused frustrations and pains... it is precisely by exploring those experiences that you can step more confidently towards connection. You have a big heart, someone wants to share it with you!
Right. F that. I left him. I don't want him back. Now he wants me. F that. I don't trust him anymore. I am looking for consistent and reliable parner . No more avoidants. Gotta get over my addiction though. Limerence. Fantasy. Euphoria recall. I can do this. It has been 5 years of this toxix sh.. show. I can now self regulate. 🎉
Bravo 👏 No more avoidants for me either. I give them all the space they require and can also regulate just fine now, especially when not around them 😉 Bless you ❤🌟🙏🏼🎶😇🌈🕊💫
I get exactly what you mean . The illustrations are effective, no matter it's stick men and women lol. I really wasn't anxious to begin with, rather felt sorry for the avoidants and kept trying to reach out, which then made me anxious ! Now I know sympathy is dangerous as it leads to toxic, negative places and energy. Empathy knows better as I enjoy my own space and grounding. . Bless you Mark and all those here 🥰🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫
Wow perfectly explained! Totally true. I felt disconnected from my self, lost, confused about my values and priorities in life, so anxious and exhausted.
@@ijustneedmyselfwow yes!! And By nature I am already questioning everything so imagine my 🧠!! 😥😭 but even if it’s an awful moment, I know I’ll be all right, stronger and better.
I have been married to an avoidant for 14 years now, it started great, for the last 5 years I am now anxious, I have depression, I am full of inflammation. And now I am done, I need to find me again.
13 years here. Ended up asking for an open marriage and I am so emotionally starved. I don't want a monogamous relationship ever again. Not sure if he broke me or broke me free 😂
Oh boy. 13 years married in September 2024, I left the next month...now we are in January, going to have breakfast on the 11th of January. Idk if he's going to serve me papers, or we are going to talk. The first 8 years were, I thought, pretty good!! The last 5, really a struggle.
@@Lyddiebits same here! But the last 5 years were during Covid so I thought it was because of that. We talked about divorce but we decided on open marriage. Kinda turns me on not gonna lie. Trying unique alternatives to get his emotional intelligence to increase and my emotional needs met outside the marriage. Win win.
Left an 8 month “long term low stakes low commitment situationship” I’m so secure in myself. I have a business to run, a son to raise, and myself to take care of. At first she was kind and someone that made space for emotions that I could trust. As she started to step back emotionally and physically I pursued her and asked her to meet me half way and she said “I agree I need to work on myself and our relationship. Our work schedule has been so crazy lately. Hopefully it’ll smooth out soon” I picked her up from the airport Saturday night. She had texted my sister that we were no longer together but hoped we could all remain friends before she told me she was breaking up with me! Don’t be consistent with someone that’s inconsistent bc then you’ll become inconsistent! Never again! “A belief in myself that I’m worthy of inconsistency! Maybe because you had a parent that didn’t show up.” 🤯 She said hopefully over time we can be friends? That’s a no for me dog.
The biggest mistake I made in my 5 year long relationship with an avoidant was to give him tons of space and doing my own thing when I sensed him pulling away. After a bit of back and forth we ended up leading two seperate lifes. I should have stuck to my needs and expectations and set clear boundaries much earlier. I have left him now and am sure he will move on in an instant
@@tonyrice6898You're missing the point, which is that absolutely nothing you do can guarantee that an avoidant will stay. Keeping them on a short leash wouldn't have necessarily worked either because they have to WANT to meet your needs even if it costs them something.
With my ex there isn't ANY right way 😒 if you give space he is relieved that he don't have any obligation,if you communicate boundaries he is acting as if he heard you but he does NOTHING about it after, BUT if god forbid you leave or cheat(I didn't) - you're the problem and you really deeply hurt him. He broke up with me AND flexed about it and is always punishing me since then.
I exited stage left months ago. Now he contacts me recently and just wants to be "friends." I told him that I don't need a male friend and we don't have any spiritual connection anyway. He apologized that he contacted me but told me he "continues to adore me." If he truly adored me, he wouldn't come and go the way he does and would work at making things work. I'm tired. I don't have any energy for an avoidant anymore. I blocked his phone number and Facebook page. I'm dead to him and he's on his own. I've already given years to him... Enough is enough.
You dodge a bullet. She will go through the honeymoon and then breakup cycle. Find a secure attached partner and build from there. Trust me. I've been there with an avoidant. I will NEVER put myself through that again.
You now have your blessing in disguise actually, brother. Recognise this space as your blessing to grow and live your authentic life with more authentic people for you. Good riddance! Love isn't supposed to be the way you have lived it with the avoidant with all bs**** and constant suffering. Remember that You absolutely deserve a safe, reciprocal love with someone healthy for you. Someone who will be all in for you, as you will be all in for the person. Reciprocity. The cycle will repeat for her if she doesn't learn her lessons but that's her own bs****. That shouldn't be your concern. Focus on your life, healing and happiness. What lessons you have learnt from this situation so as to choose best onwards? What needs to shift within your core beliefs about yourself? 😇🙏🏼 Choose yourself, your wellbeing and live an expansive life for you, where you can meet up with someone who can match up with your energy and reciprocate safe, healthy love to and with you. Remember you are enough, worthy and lovable. 🙏🏼
@@flower23487 Several women stormed to fill my void at once after the break up , showing up being supportive, loving initially. BUT. I despise them. They look pathetic. They are tiresome. And weak. Once I became indifferent and stubborn towards them due my grief they began to send whining, depressive and bitter messages how cruel I am. They just want to consume me, nothing else.
I left my avoidant after 4.5 years because he couldn’t talk about the future. To get back at me, he moved on to someone new pretty quickly. For 6 months, while he was with the new girl, he consistently drove by my house. It was so odd considering we spent 4.5 years together for him to drive by and when I would see him, he would just pretend he didn’t see me. I still miss him, but his behavior was so confusing, especially when he was in a new relationship. If I drove by an ex, I would stop and say hello. It was very childish behavior. We are both in our mid 40’s.
@@markgrovesyou’re absolutely right. It was about 6 months in. He love bombed me for the first two plus years. At the time, I didn’t know that was a thing. In the beginning he talked about the future all the time, until about 6 months when he first pulled back. When he used to pull back, I didn’t chase, so I think it made him nervous and he would then love bomb. Like we didn’t do anything for Valentine’s day one year and I didn’t put up any fuss, and a week later he bought me a $2k watch, just because. He had those mixed signal behaviors. I have high empathy so I could see his internal struggle. I finally had enough after 4.5 years because it started to turn me anxious. I finally felt like I was wasting my time, he was never going to change and honestly, I started having the hots for any guy who could show or talk about emotions. I realized that even though I loved this guy and he was meeting all my needs but the emotional intimacy one, that that’s what I needed more than anything. I have stayed single the last two years to grieve and really get intentional before I try to date again, but I’m starting to feel ready!
Yes. Mine sent a picture of my car when he was in my neighborhood instead of knocking on my door and saying hello. Or he could have called. Was just a waste of time.
Wow Mark - you just described my 6 year relationship as an anxious person with an avoidant and in less than 9 minutes! You are very effective and efficient communicator. Thank you so much for making this video!!! God Bless you. ☺️
In my experience the avoidant person has a cycle 🔂 and to get the separation they need they will behave in ways that cause separation. When the. couple gets back together there was a new low standard set that the avoidant can behave in a bad manner and they will still get back together - as this cycle repeats 🔂 itself the reason for separation becomes more and more extreme - it’s like the avoidant person is pushing your boundaries to see how much abuse punishment you can take and still resume the relationship to show that you still love them and accept them. The next cycle of pushing you away will be worse and worse because you accepted to come back after they have already done something to push you away. Cycle = Mr. Nice Guy. 🥰 / Mr. Devaluation Demoralize 🥴 / Mr. Outbursts of Rage 😤 / Mr. Punisher 🤐🫥 silence disappears separation/ Mr. Peekaboe 🫣 tip toe back to Mr. Nice Guy Sweetheart 🤗. Cycle of abuse & narcissistic cycle.
@@originalmix2546 *actually* DAs are the *least* likely to be narcissists according to many studies from people who understand the fundamental differences, especially how to deal with each & potential for change ironically, APs are the most likely to be covert narcissists & seemingly *far* more likely to self righteously play the blame game rather than actually work on their *own* issues 🤷 hence the vitriol the spew places like here
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope i gotta stop clicking on attachment vids from any besides the two i've found that don't conflate DA with narcissist & enable the blame game over personal development 🤦 always nice to see you though 💜
I never saw the signs. He just ended it out of the blue after 15 months, one week after telling me I was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Never knew about attatchment style before. Ive tested several times as secure... but this has rocked me.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Make sure the experience of being discarded doesn't become the belief that you're worthy of being discarded. because you're worthy of so much more! My breakup course is in my community -- and it walks you through 5 weeks of exercises and healing so that you can move forward. Link is markgroves.com/aligned
@@markgroves yes im currently working my way through your course and loving it. im definitely facting feeling like, of course only someone like him would choose me, and that im broken and he probably recognized that in me. but i know deep down that isnt true. thank you
I'm literally going through this right now. I've been learning about the AA & DA dynamic for the past 6 months, watching countless videos and listening to podcasts. This has been the clearest and most through insight into current relationship. the drawings genuinely helped me understand this a lot better.
I'm the anxiously attached one in the relationship. Thank you for presenting the side of how I cling and don't give space. I needed to hear that. This was probably the best video I've seen on this topic, and I've seen a lot of them. Most just blame the avoidant and that's not helpful. I need to understand what I'm doing to contribute to the unhealthiness of my relationship. Thank you. 😊
Wish I knew this before I got married. He covered this up very well. Been married for 14 years and we live in a house where he does his thing and I do mine and we meet somewhere in the middle from time to time.
I was in a short anxious-avoidant dance (~2 months) when a friend and I tried dating. I feel some self-doubt around saying to her that I needed more consistency for it to go anywhere and then walking away when her response was wishy-washy. I thought maybe that I was being combative. This video helped me to feel confident in my decisions. Thank you :)
Thank you so much for your insightful advice! It’s helping me to understand the importance of healing and accepting my wrongs. I’ve realized how crucial it is to acknowledge my part in my relationship and now will be more aware of the changes my husband needs. Your perspective has opened my eyes to the importance of growth, both individually and together. I truly appreciate your wisdom. So easy to follow along. Absolutely the best advice I've heard by far! Thank you, Mark!
1 year of no contact after he discarded me and even said he would understand if i never wanted to talk to him again. I got a text from him last week like nothing happened, I have moved on emotionally and mentally.
I was secure when I met him, but after he abandoned me, I became anxious. We got back together and were happy again. UNTIL he went through another overwhelm life event and needed to isolate and withdraw. He had to leave me again to be alone, so created his fault-finding list of my sins and broke up, out of the blue, again. I deserve a healthy relationship with a mature person with good relationship skills. One who can be inter-dependent, not hyper-independent.
Thank you for this video. I am a disorganized attachment person, and only recently have I begun to come to grips with that. I was with a dismissive avoidant for 5 years and I barely recognize myself now. I left broke up with them 2 mos ago and I'm still picking up the pieces of myself, trying to remember who I am. This has been the hardest breakup of my life. It's been so so hard. So many pieces are coming together though now that I've realized how avoidant they were. As long as I wanted nothing they were fine. But once I communicated a need for things to shift into something else, they disappeared but didn't break up with me. The emotional lifting I was doing was crazy. I'm grateful for this information because it's validating and is helping me not feel crazy. Thanks again.
I am a visual learner and drawing these patterns makes your video unique. I had to watch twice to sink in thank you so much. i guess I don't need any more excuses to act after this video.
This is so good! Thank you, Mark! I'm a fearful avoidant that's on a healing journey. I'm more secure leaning than I've ever been, yet I'm still processing some triggers and tweaking the "I gotta get out of here" escape mentality of being on my avoidant side. Your little stick figures are perfect in describing the dynamic of an anxious/avoidant pairing! Very on point! Very easy to follow. Very satisfying and encouraging to know that each attachment style can heal and be more secure. In order to heal and have what we've never had before, we have to do something we've never done before to break those patterns of attachment that aren't working for us any longer. Hopefully, this will help so many to become a little more self-aware and give them the little incentive to take the first step in healing their attachment style. Thanks again! 🙌🏼💪🏼🫶
I think what’s hard for an avoidant is understanding how not to overreact. What’s needed is to get comfortable with communicating discomfort. That requires accepting your own discomfort, and not blaming anyone else for it.
From our perspective it's kind of like "What now?" It always seems like there's something. When I date secure or other avoidant men, they meet enought of their own needs so I feel like I can relax into the relationship but when it's with someone who leans anxious it seems like there's always an issue to be talked or argued. @@robertahardy4215
I am an Empath. I was primarily secure with a side order of anxiety and I'd never been in a relationship with someone dismissive and avoidant before, but this was a Karmic one so quite the whollop to my nervous system. I am shocked at myself for how long it took me to recognize it wasn't just in my imagination, nor how much of the 'benefit of the doubt' I extended in credit before finally facing the fact that the "Great love of my life"....wasn't. I am unlearning, relearning and discovering parts of myself I didn't know existed. It's taken time but from the hell I endured...I emerge anew. Know thyself. It ain't pretty nor easy but the mirror is held up and with a finger pointing at them I see 3 others pointing back at me. It behooves us all to ask ourselves what unhealed parts of ourselves manifested this person, and what it reveals about ourselves having had the experience. Be brave...it won't be easy.
Good for you. We're very similar, I'm an empath with a 140 IQ, high emotional intelligence, primarily secure and slightly anxious. I tried rescuing my jms over two years. Engaged twice - she broke off both, the second time, after I bought 30k worth of engagement and wedding bands. No one talks too much about how mean they are to others in their lack of self-awareness. Never again!
We are both avoidance, sometimes anxious, sometimes detached. She ended things, and recently reached back out and giving signals. 😅 now I’m researching to see if we could/ should work on things.
Agree with your demonstration 💯 %. Know who you are and whatever your childhood trauma is the key to keep grounded and Find healing from with in. This will keep your self worth balanced to any attachment style you come across.
Anxious people tend to have a level of entitlement towards the other person as well, I mean its coming from a wound ultimately, but to continue to step into another persons space that is clearly not on the same page? Its disrespecting yourself and them
That thought process isn’t going to help anybody learn whether you or them. Some people need to be more self-reliant and build their own space. others need to learn the world does not end if you’re influenced by someone or God forbid mutually interdependent. Neither is perfect and both are limited.
@deborahzaccarohoffman4139 I think the learning really comes in understanding the space. Anxious attachments need boundaries (this is where the entitlement comes in), avoidants need vulnerability. It's a respect thing ultimately, for yourself and others, on both sides. Avoidants aren't doing themselves any favors by being emotionally shut down, or anyone else.
Can you please recommend how to start healing and improving after decades of self neglect? I know what I need to do, but just feel stuck. How do you start?
Thanks for this, it's the best advice as opposed to tiptoeing around navigating their whims and getting you dancing like a puppet to their strings. I've had 23 years as a puppet. I realised 2025 was going to be another groundhog year when she pushed me away as soon as Christmas was over. I told her she can go live her life and don't bother getting in touch. I know it was cuel but I'm done with mr.nice guy the puppet. She's not been in touch since. Thats her avoiding me and avoiding my feelings, avoiding any accountability in what's supposed to be a partnership. I'm resisting reaching out because I'd be saying I know I overreacted Please forgive me , I'm here whenever you have it in your heart to accept this poor wretch of a man back into your wonderful awesome presence. That definitely isn't a good idea. I did go into therapy 4 years ago because yes I had abandonment issues and realise it'd been a codependant relationship. These days I'm more secure and even trained to become a mental health mentor. It's probably not so important labelling people because it's really compatability in the end. Compatability not just in attachment styles but in general re interests goals preferences degrees of empathy and so on. I'm focusing on making myself a better person and pursuing my volunteering goals. She may reach out but I'd need real evidence of a desire to work on things , no more future faking and breadcruming mind games. ❤
My avoidant ex broke up out of nowhere and I guess after 8 months of dating, intimacy was too much for him. He broke up while crying and telling me that he is too overloaded and can not make me happy as he does not know what future will bring him. It sounds to me like an ecxuse and if he cried for himself more than our ending relationship. I am already 30days of no contact and my hope for us is shrinking.
not all partners are anxious preoccupied, often times people develop natural anxiety due to the extreme avoidance of their partner... many of these types of content dont acknowledge people who partners dont speak to them for days weeks or months, we arent talking about why didnt you text me back in one min
Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.
I'm so sorry to hear that... often when I get asked "How do I let go?" It's by doing everything holding on is holding you back from. Intentionally healing and prioritizing YOU. My breakup recovery course is a 5 week journey into that can help support you in this: go.markgroves.com/heal-the-love-quiz
became aware 8/29/24! I took a stand, by not talking for 2 weeks, except what was absolutely necessary... And it's been awful, "it's all your fault". we are married and I get the one night stand behavior. Yet he blames me for it. I backed off over 18 months ago, just let him do what he whatever, gave him space, didn't push any situations, and he seemed to be so "happy", although he wasn't. Then I learned about all this stuff, and thought ok... now I'm aware... so I figured now I'll work with what I know... IDK if it will work... or how much I'll be able to take but I'm willing to try bc I heard from other vids that I have to learn to speak his language... which sound like he ain't got to Put in the work to change, and he won't bc he told me I'll never ever go to therapy. I am starting in Jan. God please help me!
I'm married to an avoidant and I'm trying to take a hard stance right now. Divorces aren't the norm in my culture and I face immense pressure from families to hold on. Is there really no way to make it work?
@@the1aboveall483 He lacks the will to make any effort.. I tried convincing his family as well but they just won't accept the obvious differences between us..
@@ksh1230 I feel sorry for you, marriages come with a dream of a life, its painful to let go of it but if he is not willing to work on himself then you have to prioritise your well being, do the needful for your happiness even if it'll hurt at first.
This is way more about anxiously attached than securely attached persons in a relationship with a doomed avoidant. Even a secure person will feel doom with a resistant avoidant . Sometimes is just not worth the slow burn.
But when he pulls back I do as well, I am turn off… is it possible that I am anxious and avoidant at the same time? I would like to handle it better. 😢
Can the securely attached be almost falsely accused by the anxious of being "avoidant". To the anxious, won't a secure partner seem avoidant to them because the secure are happy being in themselves while the anxious type needs constant attention/reassurance? And in that way, can the constant need for attention turn off the secure partner almost making them avoidant or wanting to leave the overbearing "relationship"?
Secure is not about what anyone else thinks but about person's attitude and consistency towards their own and other people's legitimate needs, emotions, agreed obligations and responsibility.
The only way this would turn into a healthy relationship is if both people identified their fears and worked on being more secure at the same time. One person can’t be trying to improve the relationship and themselves while the other one isn’t, it’s still unhealthy.
I let my avoidant BF go with love several months ago. I've met a super kind and attentive man, whom I like and enjoy spending time with. We have had 7 dates. I really want that spark that is necessary for attraction. How long would you say it takes for the "spark"? And when to let go and move on? I'm in my late 50's and I definitely want a companion to enjoy life with. I so want that spark to ignite because he's a great man and very good to me. Thanks!
Finally I understood what is space! They want to feel the attractions that will bring them towards us. If they feel attracted they will come. If they don't come then we can understand that they aren't attracted. Now I have no problem, whether she comes or leaves! Partners should feel attraction equally! Whatever is her decision, All the Best! This is the best explanation I have seen so far. (Do not underestimate your drawings! They made me understood! ) ❤❤❤
Instead of this video being about why an anxious or previously secure to anxious person was attracted to the avoidant. The objective of this video seems to be why/how the anxious is pushing away the avoidant as if the cycle in itself is not toxic and overall non-conducive to the emotional growth of each party. What I'm trying to say is this video seems to put a lot of responsibility on the anxious person as if their anxiety isn't directly induced by the avoidant and as if the avoidants' avoidant behavior isn't innately harmful to both themselves and their partner. The avoidant is the cause of the anxiety and the anxiety is the effect of the avoidance. Both perpetuate a cycle of unmet needs and emotional distance and inner (thus outer) turmoil. Both must be addressed on an individual level (why do I get anxious when there is space?; why do I get anxious when there is closeness) to foster a healthy relationship. Simple.
Yeah. I tried not approaching for years. He never even tried to come closer. He was very comfortable, as long as I stayed (it looks better from outside the relationship and it keeps the financials flowing).
Good video, thanks. I think the problem I have is that I don't like to play games. I don't want to pretend to leave when I don't really want to. I do understand your point though, and I think it's important to make peace in my heart with the idea of being on my own, which I think I've done pretty well. I also provide my partner lots of space. As much as she needs. I think you're right that if I were to leave her completely, it'd give her space to realise what her true feelings are for me. But I just can't lie and tell her my back is turned, when it isn't. The best I can do is give her space.
Can you do another video on this I'm secure attachment style in a relationship with a DA i work on myself everyday i know how to give space. I'm to the point where im going to walk away his behavior is not attractive yes i think he is very familiar I have boundaries with him I call him out on what he does in a healthy way i challenge him to meet my fundamental needs im happy inside myself i don't want him to chase me that is not healthy I want him to consistently communicate be vulnerable respectful honest appreciation conflict resolution words and actions match be present in the moment be loving supporting patient kind ❤
This is fact! I am secure … She was anxiously attached and then when emotional intimacy arrived , she shut down and ran … space ghost . An avoidant needs healing
What I would LOVE to see (which I am 10000000% NOT OWED in any way shape or form) is a deep dive into the effects of putting off sex in a relationship can solve many of these issues to one degree or another. It's my theory is that if you aren't banging you're talking and that has a profound impact on the foundation of a relationship. It's not perfect but I feel like it's VERY helpful.
@@michaella5799they do. I even suggested prolonging sex with female FA and she basically shamed me into having it. Bc it’s “2024” “everyone’s fucking” “Who’s everyone” “Well,. My sister and that ONE guy she brings over” “That doesn’t sound good” “Well I’ve showed you all of me”(falsified sanctity) meaning her backyard and kitchen I didn’t hold the boundary and here I am 4 months later wishing I never spoke a word to her. Please heed this if anyone is in the early stages.. it’s soul crushing but you need to hear this. This person will waste precious years of your life. Do NOT let them. They are selfish and not in step with the creator
that's what I just did in the "relationship" I thought I had. I walked away and I don't wan to be part of him keeping pulling out anymore, bc he does not make effort to be vulnerable, to open up instead of just being defensive and calling me "sensitive". he is very dismissive with my feelings and kinda says with his behavior just "get over it" instead of trying to developed the real deep talking. He keeps finding many reasons to just escape from the convos. has things to do, busy etc. and that 's because he is in therapy and also aware that he has avoidant attachment. But unless his therapist says so, he doesn't take my feelings/onions and what I have to say into considerations. So, yeah, be happy in a relationship with yourself. I got tired of immature grown "man"
Any relational dynamics, including marriage... the partner who is avoidant needs to be called forward. If you haven't already invited them towards change, start there.
Dating a 58 year old travel nurse . Multiple affairs sleeps with doctors , cocaine and alchol addiction! loved the first affair guy that hit her, she would go to the work with black eyes. Then i come along and shes super scared to be real, have emotions, etc. Bad child hood trauma on her part rape , drugs, etc. To this day at 58 she is scared to be in a relationship. So she avoids , controls , anything to protect herself! super crazy learning experience. and she doesnt want to Heal or go back to her Husband!!! Just no coping etc etc etc
Dude, you said it all. You've got to leave them alone so they'll know you're not there waiting for them to come back. But there is always this jump. For instance, you'll hear about someone who did do a long no contact stint but will jump to "and then we talked on the phone". Now, if you've left or have been gone for a long period of time, then when did you connect to be talking on the phone suddenly? Did the avoidant break down and call you? Or did you test the waters after the long no contact period by leaving a little ten-second message or text for them? Other than that, I get it.
Check out my video on when to give up the booty in dating: ruclips.net/video/UoP7NbxQrXg/видео.htmlsi=l89D4jR4_qmrY4Z2
Blah. As if
I find it strange that when I left avoidants alone my anxiety practically disappeared.🤔
The pursuing reinforces the anxiety, because the anxiety is fuelling the pursuing. Once you stop, the anxiety isn't fed, and the deeper belief that you need to chase love can heal.
@ Thank you 🙏
For women it is easy. They have tons of options and they are into consuming anyway.
@marguskiis7711 Even if they have options, what kind of options are they? Personally, I had a lot of options, and they were practically all toxic, married, had girlfriends, mean, avoidant, and the list goes on.
@@dclarke1896 choosing a man today is like choosing between Beaker and Animal from the Muppet Show. What a ride!
I just realized Kermit the frog is an avoidant.😂
Broke up with an avoidant this morning after almost a year together. Reciprocity wasn’t there and when life tossed me the biggest curveball he wasn’t there for me. I’m at peace with my decision. Onward and upward!
You go girl! I'm stuck 5yrs now......and up to this morning he said "I did nothing wrong" 😂😂😂😂 I tell him okay, then this is over he storms out and 3hrs later I get kissy face gif🙄
You are so damned right.
What has to happen is you don't date somebody like that and move on
💯 anxious people aren't always "needy" sometimes they're used to being abandoned when the chips are down* and they sense it's about to happen again... the gut is never wrong.*
Exactly same as my experience. Got a massive curve ball myself - terrible personal loss. Had been there for her and all her 4 yrs of life curveballs. And in my time of need, she said she had met somebody else .... wtf
So basically, to be in a relationship with an avoidant, you have to act like you're single the whole time and the avoidant is someone you may or may not see for a date night or talk to on any given day. Think of them like one of your friends that you get together with to hang out occasionally. That's it. Nothing more.
@@elsiagrace2021 - I hope that’s not what you got from my video… Because that’s certainly not what I said. If you’re dating someone who’s avoidant, invite them to show up and meet what you desire in a relationship. If they cannot do that and are unwilling to change, staying and orienting around them and their needs will be a very fast track to a lot of suffering. This is true of any person you’re in relationship with no matter their attachment style
I think this is the best definition available on the internet
My avoidant was fine for a while, but too many life pressures kept piling up for him. Rather than talk with me, he iced me out. I think he was afraid of appearing weak with me. I tried to get him to open up, no dice. It was lovely for a while.
Brr you said it all
13 years married and have a child with a DA.
He abruptly ended our relationship 3 months ago after travelling to Canada for a study work trip for 3 months. Hid freedom and time to think made him think life would be better without us. He completely blindsided me. He definitely appears to be going through something with him chucking clothes away, ending his business, ending his marriage saying he fell out of love for me. I did everything for him.
Dating an avoidant is extremely damaging. Even if you are secure when you meet them, you will end up not knowing which way is up or down. You’ll end up discombobulated and feeling like there is no safety, security, certainty, stability. It’s just a shitty dangerous dynamic. You’ll end up feeling more alone while in the relationship than you feel when you are actually alone. I actually ended up saying- in order to be with you I would need to abandon myself and that ain’t fucking happening.
Yep. It is horrible. Avoidant women also do not have ANY morals and dignity. They are super selfish and highly abusive.
Love that! Thank you!!
100% this, i was incredibly secure when i met him (i actually didnt want to date him again after our first date but he convinced me with his 'charm') - 7 month relationship and been broken up for 7/8 months (still had contact etc.) and i have never felt so insecure and damaged because of his avoidant tendencies and emotional unavailability
@@marguskiis7711 Yup, just got out of one after being together for about 3 years. I just couldn't bear it anymore, I went full emotional distance for about 2 weeks and then she finally ended the relationship as I didn't have the balls to do it myself because I was scared my self-esteem could become even worse.
@@marguskiis7711sometimes avoidants are just arrested in maturity due to trauma. They need to take responsibility to grow past that, though.
You’re better off learning to identify the avoidant and simply avoid them for your own sanity. Even the most secure person will turn slightly anxious with the constant push pull dynamic that is part of the avoidant playbook.
I don't disagree - and the real gift to the avoidant is telling them the truth and calling them forward. Unfortunately their behaviour generally hooks into the wound of anxiously attached people.
Exactly better to avoid the avoidant
I think avoidants are not THAT bad, mainly misunderstood, I think avoidants can change and given time, become mature and will can work on the relationship with you.
@@OriginDragonGod absolutely! imo it's sad so many focus on the avoidant's part in *negative* patterns instead of how anxious/avoidant dynamics can naturally encourage & reinforce the working on becoming more secure
the video actually had some good info but their comments undermine it imo. ironically the more you respect avoidants' need for space & take responsibility for your own anxious tendencies the safer & more comfortable an avoidant becomes
@@r_and_a Well, you can't expect equality in every situation. The dynamics and perspectives are different. For example, anxious attached always look to fix their partners because that's external validation for them. Avoidants don't need that, so you'll find a lot of anxious types on these kinds of videos trying to learn about everything. Some are just trying to change their avoidant, while others like myself are trying to learn how to self regulate and understand the why.
Avoidants don't really like to self reflect because, simply put, it's overwhelming. They don't know how to handle emotions. They mask everything but are internally struggling. I'm not saying they can't self reflect, they do weeks or months later, but they try to suppress and distract themselves; these are just coping mechanisms.
What Anxious attachers do is try to fix or seek external validation and when they don't, they don't really know what to do and these videos help them cope. They also have a hard time self reflecting because that doesn't give them the external validation they need to feel secure. They generally have these two core wounds of abandonment or worthlessness.
So, in short, you'll find anxious attachers here because they want to try to fix. You'll find some avoidants who are aware of their attachment and want to start their healing journey here. But unaware avoidants don't seek out these videos because that requires acknowledgement and that can be overwhelming. So I think the right perspective as you try to become secure is to not take things personally. Everyone is at a different stage in their journey and it might not match where you are at and that's okay. The comments are unhealthy and unhelpful, but these people are really hurting. Their experiences are as real as an avoidants' extreme desire to flee.
My 11 year old son told my husband and I after an argument. He said, "you guys are like two magnets facing opposite direction, if you would just face each other you would connect"
Stop arguing in front of your kids. You’re messing up their future relationship success.
Healthy conflict is normal @@alexus_carter
You have to face away.. just like the video says. 😮
Smart kid, but it is much easier for someone on the outside to see the problem
this is really wonderfull and that comes from a child, we can learn a lot about them because they are more pure than adults.
dating an avoidant is the best thing you can do as an anxious, because they will show you exactly where your toxic wounds are
Agree
I think both can work towards secure attachment together
Exactly.
depends on what she does more. She did all nasty things like talking alot about her ex and very egocentric, not thinking of my wants and needs.. i wanted to end the relationship, but she doesnt so i kept going in hoop she would change.. no same weird cycle of getting me nerveus.. i went crazy, needed to go to therapie.. she ended the relationship and in my depression i stalked her.. Im still in therapy because of this relationship
Exactly 💯
I am secure attachment and love him enough that I called him out. He has a severe case and is very childlike emotionally. He speaks in a cryptic manner. He makes himself "unattractive" when complimented. I've been lied to, given the close-then-distant treatment, stonewalled, and just recently ghosted. I've even seen him have a tearless crying episode (it looked like maniacal laughter), and he was so full of the fear of never seeing me again. I love him and that's why I had to call him out. I told him I have researched avoidant attachment and told him of his cycles, patterns, stonewalling, etc. I told him he'll never have a meaningful relationship, but might find surface level relationships satisfactory due to not having to invest emotions. I told him that he needs the therapy to overcome this. I told him all these things out of my pure love, and yes, I then got ghosted. I can go on without him if I have to. It is up to him to go back into therapy to heal further, or not to and continue to live his avoidant life.
Congratulations on letting yourself matter more❤
Well, telling an avoidantly attached person about their core wounds is “how to scare your avoidant away 101” that was never going to end well. Taking control from him and also highlighting what he feels deep down, that he is broken and will always ruin relationships.
@@norswil8763 Or, maybe this will be the wake up call he needs! Maybe he'll finally see common patterns and behaviors he's repeated in relationships. Maybe he'll start researching avoidant attachment, and realize what's been happening.
Girl I feel you. I had enough tho. Cannot do it anymore. Then they want to come back like nothing happened. It hurts because you love them and deep down you know they love you, but will that love get you through the up and down painful and emotional roller coaster? No. As hard as it is, we have to know when to let go.
@@kwbaby4297 Hey there. I wanted to let you know that I am a man. Yes, he and I are both men, and neither of us is effeminate. I don't have much of an ego, so I can really get into feelings as I did in my comment. I understand what you said, and being with an avoidant is like playing a losing game. However, if he decides to end no contact, I have a firm boundary in place: Therapy. Therapy can help people overcome avoidant attachment disorder, and get them to be earned secure attachment.
Its been 2 months of no contact!! I left!!my anxiety couldn't take his cold behaviour anymore!!
I really can imagine.
Same as mine my exwife left in 1 day after marriage.. sudden shutdown…
We need someone who is ready to give as much as we do
Maybe you should take the advise of the video and learn to self regulate.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’m dealing with this same thing and I know we can do it!
Avoidant = avoiding responsibility/accountability
🎯
Maybe trying to avoid pain and hurt and suffocation by the anxiously attached?
@ I wish that was the case. She was just trying to avoid accountability and responsibility for horrible and hurtful behavior. Not the first time.
@@fishinthesea3454 The pain was already there, don't blame someone else. Here, we see that you're avoiding accountability and blaming someone else for the cause of your inner turmoil. Like clockwork...
Get therapy so you can work through the emotions and learn how to sit with them instead of running away 100% of the time. It's no wonder you all are burnt out storing all those volatile emotions and never releasing them. It's hard to stay positive when you're keeping tabs on everything that happens and being resentful to your partner for trying to help you out.
Anyone that is in a relationship with someone with one foot in and one foot out will have anxiety because they 'feel' like you don't fight for the relationship. No communication of emotions, no initiating anything, no priority, no nothing. "Does this person even love me?" and what do they do to see? They communicate, but that's the thing that scares them lmao. So when the secure or anxious partner is denied connection, it will make them more anxious... You literally play a role in this since you are showing interest in your partner. To say that you're "keeping the peace" by stonewalling and "never having issues" is doing the opposite of your intentions. You may be trying to protect yourself from an environment you're not even in anymore, but you're self sabotaging your relationship. They genuinely think they aren't doing anything wrong and when their partner is a hot, anxious mess by the end, they pull the BS cards out. "I'm not good enough for you (Literally avoiding accountability)," "You deserve better, I'm a burden," "I feel suffocated/trapped/unsafe/engulfed," "I feel like I'm losing myself/independence." The emotions get too much from suppressing everything because it's 'weak' to share emotions and they deactivate and discard. "I don't need anyone anyways," "They were going to leave me anyways (Justifying the discard)." They abandon their partner to avoid being rejected because they genuinely believe it's going to fail or they will just 'fall out of love.'
I meant for this to be way shorter, but here we are... They think that the perfect relationship will have no conflict and endless patience, acceptance, and happiness. Living in a fantasy world of expectations. They don't know what healthy love is and it scares them when they get the real deal because they've never experienced it and self sabotage the ENTIRE time. It's just too much. We have our own issues to deal with, but it feels like you're dealing with a literal child who gets upset easily, storms off, or ignores you and genuinely doesn't know how to communicate how/what they're feeling because they simply don't know how...
I rambled on for much too long...
not true at all. did you miss the part where he said anxious people also need to work on themselves? any insecure attachment can be harmful to a relationship if you're either unaware of it or unwilling to do the work.
He was all over me with romantic words and (unsatisfying) sex at the beginning, but as soon as I showed a desire for more depth, like having him come to my house for a change, he started announcing his need for space. He said, “Women want to make a nest and men just want to be free,” and other insulting nonsense. I dropped him like a hot potato at that moment. That was at least six months ago. He still texts me and a few days ago invited me to have dinner with him. I’ve ignored him, because I’ve seen what he has to offer, and it’s not enough for me.
I will probably be alone the rest of my days, but that is far superior to spending my life catering to someone’s egotistical, puerile fantasy.
@robertahardy4215 i get where you're coming from , though doesn't necessarily mean you'll have to be alone the rest of your days. We can be clear about what we actually want and that is always a good thing. We don't have to settle for less. Raising the bar for ourselves and wanting reciprocation is definitely a requirement.
Yes, it's preferable to be alone then to settle for someone that's selfish. The worse loneliness is living with someone who doesn't really care - been there, done that, no thanks ! Bless you and Best wishes ♥️🌟🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫
❤
This is love bombing... I did a podcast on that here: ruclips.net/video/XxNV9EdN4EY/видео.html
And great work dropping him like a hot potato... this type of behaviour, where the request for more depth is met with gaslighting BS, is a massive red flag. I acknowledge you for taking that stand. AND, committing a life of aloneness confirms a belief that when you love people, they are able to show up and meet you where you're at. Avoiding relationships doesn't allow us to learn the skills necessary to create epic ones. You can garner some incredible brilliance from all the moments of your relational life that have caused frustrations and pains... it is precisely by exploring those experiences that you can step more confidently towards connection. You have a big heart, someone wants to share it with you!
@@markgroves Lovely 💞🙏🏼😇
This almost made me wanna cry bc I didn’t even know this was a real crazy dynamic I knew I wasn’t tripping
Right. F that. I left him. I don't want him back.
Now he wants me. F that. I don't trust him anymore. I am looking for consistent and reliable parner . No more avoidants. Gotta get over my addiction though.
Limerence. Fantasy. Euphoria recall.
I can do this.
It has been 5 years of this toxix sh.. show.
I can now self regulate. 🎉
Bravo 👏 No more avoidants for me either. I give them all the space they require and can also regulate just fine now, especially when not around them 😉
Bless you ❤🌟🙏🏼🎶😇🌈🕊💫
I get exactly what you mean . The illustrations are effective, no matter it's stick men and women lol. I really wasn't anxious to begin with, rather felt sorry for the avoidants and kept trying to reach out, which then made me anxious ! Now I know sympathy is dangerous as it leads to toxic, negative places and energy. Empathy knows better as I enjoy my own space and grounding. . Bless you Mark and all those here 🥰🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫
1+
Great
Good for you! Honor yourself and your worth🙂
"You leave the connection to yourself to be connected to them and that's no way to live, so eff that." 🤣💯
Exactly! Immature toxic unrealistic mind fu..k keep walking dont look back!
Wow perfectly explained! Totally true. I felt disconnected from my self, lost, confused about my values and priorities in life, so anxious and exhausted.
@@arankagionetti2098 I'm trying 😫
@@malu.maluqui It is so disorienting. It makes you question yourself so much.
@@ijustneedmyselfwow yes!! And By nature I am already questioning everything so imagine my 🧠!! 😥😭 but even if it’s an awful moment, I know I’ll be all right, stronger and better.
I have been married to an avoidant for 14 years now, it started great, for the last 5 years I am now anxious, I have depression, I am full of inflammation. And now I am done, I need to find me again.
13 years here. Ended up asking for an open marriage and I am so emotionally starved. I don't want a monogamous relationship ever again. Not sure if he broke me or broke me free 😂
Idk how yall did it. But god bless yall for not giving up.
Oh boy. 13 years married in September 2024, I left the next month...now we are in January, going to have breakfast on the 11th of January. Idk if he's going to serve me papers, or we are going to talk.
The first 8 years were, I thought, pretty good!! The last 5, really a struggle.
@@Lyddiebits same here! But the last 5 years were during Covid so I thought it was because of that. We talked about divorce but we decided on open marriage. Kinda turns me on not gonna lie. Trying unique alternatives to get his emotional intelligence to increase and my emotional needs met outside the marriage. Win win.
Left an 8 month “long term low stakes low commitment situationship” I’m so secure in myself. I have a business to run, a son to raise, and myself to take care of. At first she was kind and someone that made space for emotions that I could trust. As she started to step back emotionally and physically I pursued her and asked her to meet me half way and she said “I agree I need to work on myself and our relationship. Our work schedule has been so crazy lately. Hopefully it’ll smooth out soon”
I picked her up from the airport Saturday night. She had texted my sister that we were no longer together but hoped we could all remain friends before she told me she was breaking up with me!
Don’t be consistent with someone that’s inconsistent bc then you’ll become inconsistent! Never again! “A belief in myself that I’m worthy of inconsistency! Maybe because you had a parent that didn’t show up.” 🤯
She said hopefully over time we can be friends?
That’s a no for me dog.
The biggest mistake I made in my 5 year long relationship with an avoidant was to give him tons of space and doing my own thing when I sensed him pulling away. After a bit of back and forth we ended up leading two seperate lifes. I should have stuck to my needs and expectations and set clear boundaries much earlier. I have left him now and am sure he will move on in an instant
Same here. Gave more space and they pulled the rope as much as was given. More space is not the answer.
@@tonyrice6898You're missing the point, which is that absolutely nothing you do can guarantee that an avoidant will stay. Keeping them on a short leash wouldn't have necessarily worked either because they have to WANT to meet your needs even if it costs them something.
With my ex there isn't ANY right way 😒 if you give space he is relieved that he don't have any obligation,if you communicate boundaries he is acting as if he heard you but he does NOTHING about it after, BUT if god forbid you leave or cheat(I didn't) - you're the problem and you really deeply hurt him. He broke up with me AND flexed about it and is always punishing me since then.
Move where? Avoidants will never find peace unless they address their trauma and unconscious programming.
I exited stage left months ago. Now he contacts me recently and just wants to be "friends." I told him that I don't need a male friend and we don't have any spiritual connection anyway. He apologized that he contacted me but told me he "continues to adore me." If he truly adored me, he wouldn't come and go the way he does and would work at making things work. I'm tired. I don't have any energy for an avoidant anymore. I blocked his phone number and Facebook page. I'm dead to him and he's on his own. I've already given years to him... Enough is enough.
Proud of you! Same thing happened to me, so I understand what you went through 😢I hope you're ok
I left an avoidant woman I loved a lot. Nothing happened. She just found a new man very soon and is very proud of it. I am devastated.
You dodge a bullet. She will go through the honeymoon and then breakup cycle. Find a secure attached partner and build from there. Trust me. I've been there with an avoidant. I will NEVER put myself through that again.
You now have your blessing in disguise actually, brother. Recognise this space as your blessing to grow and live your authentic life with more authentic people for you.
Good riddance! Love isn't supposed to be the way you have lived it with the avoidant with all bs**** and constant suffering.
Remember that You absolutely deserve a safe, reciprocal love with someone healthy for you. Someone who will be all in for you, as you will be all in for the person. Reciprocity.
The cycle will repeat for her if she doesn't learn her lessons but that's her own bs****. That shouldn't be your concern. Focus on your life, healing and happiness. What lessons you have learnt from this situation so as to choose best onwards? What needs to shift within your core beliefs about yourself? 😇🙏🏼
Choose yourself, your wellbeing and live an expansive life for you, where you can meet up with someone who can match up with your energy and reciprocate safe, healthy love to and with you. Remember you are enough, worthy and lovable. 🙏🏼
@@dig-in8boAgreed. Never again.
@@flower23487 Several women stormed to fill my void at once after the break up , showing up being supportive, loving initially. BUT. I despise them. They look pathetic. They are tiresome. And weak. Once I became indifferent and stubborn towards them due my grief they began to send whining, depressive and bitter messages how cruel I am. They just want to consume me, nothing else.
She will go through the love cycle and the end is a break up she will go through they will never have consistency
The only thing I would add is fearful avoidant and the inability to tell whether one wants space but is being anxious to grab the space .
Masters of friends with benefits, one night stands, etc. Amen because I lived it.
I left my avoidant after 4.5 years because he couldn’t talk about the future. To get back at me, he moved on to someone new pretty quickly. For 6 months, while he was with the new girl, he consistently drove by my house. It was so odd considering we spent 4.5 years together for him to drive by and when I would see him, he would just pretend he didn’t see me. I still miss him, but his behavior was so confusing, especially when he was in a new relationship. If I drove by an ex, I would stop and say hello. It was very childish behavior. We are both in our mid 40’s.
yeah that's tough. Explore how early in the 4.5 years you felt that distance and unreliability. That will connect you back to your intuition!
@@markgrovesyou’re absolutely right. It was about 6 months in. He love bombed me for the first two plus years. At the time, I didn’t know that was a thing. In the beginning he talked about the future all the time, until about 6 months when he first pulled back. When he used to pull back, I didn’t chase, so I think it made him nervous and he would then love bomb. Like we didn’t do anything for Valentine’s day one year and I didn’t put up any fuss, and a week later he bought me a $2k watch, just because. He had those mixed signal behaviors. I have high empathy so I could see his internal struggle. I finally had enough after 4.5 years because it started to turn me anxious. I finally felt like I was wasting my time, he was never going to change and honestly, I started having the hots for any guy who could show or talk about emotions. I realized that even though I loved this guy and he was meeting all my needs but the emotional intimacy one, that that’s what I needed more than anything. I have stayed single the last two years to grieve and really get intentional before I try to date again, but I’m starting to feel ready!
Yes. Mine sent a picture of my car when he was in my neighborhood instead of knocking on my door and saying hello. Or he could have called. Was just a waste of time.
@@markgroves Mine never takes that long. I used to think something was wrong with me. It was my intuition telling me something wasn't right.
@@SavedByAnAngel-t3emy ex guy takes pics, too.
Wow Mark - you just described my 6 year relationship as an anxious person with an avoidant and in less than 9 minutes! You are very effective and efficient communicator. Thank you so much for making this video!!! God Bless you. ☺️
In my experience the avoidant person has a cycle 🔂
and to get the separation they need they will behave in ways that cause separation.
When the. couple gets back together there was a new low standard set that the avoidant can behave in a bad manner and they will still get back together
- as this cycle repeats 🔂 itself the reason for separation becomes more and more extreme -
it’s like the avoidant person is pushing your boundaries to see how much abuse punishment you can take and still resume the relationship to show that you still love them and accept them.
The next cycle of pushing you away will be worse and worse because you accepted to come back after they have already done something to push you away.
Cycle = Mr. Nice Guy. 🥰 / Mr. Devaluation Demoralize 🥴 / Mr. Outbursts of Rage 😤 / Mr. Punisher 🤐🫥 silence disappears separation/ Mr. Peekaboe 🫣 tip toe back to Mr. Nice Guy Sweetheart 🤗.
Cycle of abuse & narcissistic cycle.
That's a narcissist, not an avoidant. Avoidants avoid, not go into rage, devaluation or use silence to punish.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope Avoidant IS narcissist!!! Wake up!
@@originalmix2546 *actually* DAs are the *least* likely to be narcissists according to many studies from people who understand the fundamental differences, especially how to deal with each & potential for change
ironically, APs are the most likely to be covert narcissists & seemingly *far* more likely to self righteously play the blame game rather than actually work on their *own* issues 🤷 hence the vitriol the spew places like here
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope i gotta stop clicking on attachment vids from any besides the two i've found that don't conflate DA with narcissist & enable the blame game over personal development 🤦 always nice to see you though 💜
@@r_and_a yeah some of these people have some interesting perspectives. Nice to see you too! 🤗
I never saw the signs. He just ended it out of the blue after 15 months, one week after telling me I was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Never knew about attatchment style before. Ive tested several times as secure... but this has rocked me.
❤ it will ease. More love of self helps (I found). All the best to you.
This is not easy and will take some time respect yourself and set your bounderies, you are worth it.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Make sure the experience of being discarded doesn't become the belief that you're worthy of being discarded. because you're worthy of so much more! My breakup course is in my community -- and it walks you through 5 weeks of exercises and healing so that you can move forward. Link is markgroves.com/aligned
So the avoidants do. And they laugh and humiliate you after that.
@@markgroves yes im currently working my way through your course and loving it. im definitely facting feeling like, of course only someone like him would choose me, and that im broken and he probably recognized that in me. but i know deep down that isnt true. thank you
I'm literally going through this right now. I've been learning about the AA & DA dynamic for the past 6 months, watching countless videos and listening to podcasts. This has been the clearest and most through insight into current relationship. the drawings genuinely helped me understand this a lot better.
“Now look, I know these drawings are very bad, but they make sense.” 😂😂😂😂😂 4:18
I'm the anxiously attached one in the relationship. Thank you for presenting the side of how I cling and don't give space. I needed to hear that. This was probably the best video I've seen on this topic, and I've seen a lot of them. Most just blame the avoidant and that's not helpful. I need to understand what I'm doing to contribute to the unhealthiness of my relationship. Thank you. 😊
Avoidants don’t deserve a relationship until they deal with their damaged selves.
Wish I knew this before I got married. He covered this up very well. Been married for 14 years and we live in a house where he does his thing and I do mine and we meet somewhere in the middle from time to time.
@@bawdybyjade3881 Isn't that a good middle groud? Sounds good to me!
I was in a short anxious-avoidant dance (~2 months) when a friend and I tried dating. I feel some self-doubt around saying to her that I needed more consistency for it to go anywhere and then walking away when her response was wishy-washy. I thought maybe that I was being combative. This video helped me to feel confident in my decisions. Thank you :)
Blocked an avoidant guy I was seeing for 7 months. I feel better for a fact… but sometimes I reminisce
No Thank you. I walked away... I wish him well and I pray he gets help or stay single and not date forever.
I never heard better explanation about anxios-avoidant dance. Big thank you from Austria.❤
You're so welcome! Happy it was helpful!
Thank you so much for your insightful advice! It’s helping me to understand the importance of healing and accepting my wrongs. I’ve realized how crucial it is to acknowledge my part in my relationship and now will be more aware of the changes my husband needs. Your perspective has opened my eyes to the importance of growth, both individually and together. I truly appreciate your wisdom.
So easy to follow along. Absolutely the best advice I've heard by far! Thank you, Mark!
1 year of no contact after he discarded me and even said he would understand if i never wanted to talk to him again. I got a text from him last week like nothing happened, I have moved on emotionally and mentally.
What a crappy person that was.
I was secure when I met him, but after he abandoned me, I became anxious. We got back together and were happy again. UNTIL he went through another overwhelm life event and needed to isolate and withdraw. He had to leave me again to be alone, so created his fault-finding list of my sins and broke up, out of the blue, again. I deserve a healthy relationship with a mature person with good relationship skills. One who can be inter-dependent, not hyper-independent.
Thank you for this video. I am a disorganized attachment person, and only recently have I begun to come to grips with that. I was with a dismissive avoidant for 5 years and I barely recognize myself now. I left broke up with them 2 mos ago and I'm still picking up the pieces of myself, trying to remember who I am. This has been the hardest breakup of my life. It's been so so hard. So many pieces are coming together though now that I've realized how avoidant they were. As long as I wanted nothing they were fine. But once I communicated a need for things to shift into something else, they disappeared but didn't break up with me. The emotional lifting I was doing was crazy. I'm grateful for this information because it's validating and is helping me not feel crazy. Thanks again.
I really like your energy and how you speak about all of this. Thank you!
I am a visual learner and drawing these patterns makes your video unique. I had to watch twice to sink in thank you so much. i guess I don't need any more excuses to act after this video.
I'm glad i clicked on this video. Learned A LOT💪🏽.
This is the best Come to Jesus moment video I have seen on the dance of attachment! Thanks😇
This is so good! Thank you, Mark! I'm a fearful avoidant that's on a healing journey. I'm more secure leaning than I've ever been, yet I'm still processing some triggers and tweaking the "I gotta get out of here" escape mentality of being on my avoidant side. Your little stick figures are perfect in describing the dynamic of an anxious/avoidant pairing! Very on point! Very easy to follow. Very satisfying and encouraging to know that each attachment style can heal and be more secure. In order to heal and have what we've never had before, we have to do something we've never done before to break those patterns of attachment that aren't working for us any longer. Hopefully, this will help so many to become a little more self-aware and give them the little incentive to take the first step in healing their attachment style.
Thanks again! 🙌🏼💪🏼🫶
I think what’s hard for an avoidant is understanding how not to overreact. What’s needed is to get comfortable with communicating discomfort. That requires accepting your own discomfort, and not blaming anyone else for it.
From our perspective it's kind of like "What now?" It always seems like there's something. When I date secure or other avoidant men, they meet enought of their own needs so I feel like I can relax into the relationship but when it's with someone who leans anxious it seems like there's always an issue to be talked or argued. @@robertahardy4215
This is such a beautiful comment! thank you! and yesssss to increasing your capacity for co-regulation!
I am an Empath. I was primarily secure with a side order of anxiety and I'd never been in a relationship with someone dismissive and avoidant before, but this was a Karmic one so quite the whollop to my nervous system. I am shocked at myself for how long it took me to recognize it wasn't just in my imagination, nor how much of the 'benefit of the doubt' I extended in credit before finally facing the fact that the "Great love of my life"....wasn't. I am unlearning, relearning and discovering parts of myself I didn't know existed. It's taken time but from the hell I endured...I emerge anew. Know thyself. It ain't pretty nor easy but the mirror is held up and with a finger pointing at them I see 3 others pointing back at me. It behooves us all to ask ourselves what unhealed parts of ourselves manifested this person, and what it reveals about ourselves having had the experience. Be brave...it won't be easy.
Good for you. We're very similar, I'm an empath with a 140 IQ, high emotional intelligence, primarily secure and slightly anxious. I tried rescuing my jms over two years. Engaged twice - she broke off both, the second time, after I bought 30k worth of engagement and wedding bands. No one talks too much about how mean they are to others in their lack of self-awareness. Never again!
We are both avoidance, sometimes anxious, sometimes detached. She ended things, and recently reached back out and giving signals. 😅 now I’m researching to see if we could/ should work on things.
Cool drawings and nice way to simplify this complex topic. Thank you!
My body would shake internally 😢 just left need to heal ❤
Agree with your demonstration 💯 %. Know who you are and whatever your childhood trauma is the key to keep grounded and
Find healing from with in. This will keep your self worth balanced to any attachment style you come across.
Anxious people tend to have a level of entitlement towards the other person as well, I mean its coming from a wound ultimately, but to continue to step into another persons space that is clearly not on the same page? Its disrespecting yourself and them
That thought process isn’t going to help anybody learn whether you or them. Some people need to be more self-reliant and build their own space. others need to learn the world does not end if you’re influenced by someone or God forbid mutually interdependent. Neither is perfect and both are limited.
@deborahzaccarohoffman4139 I think the learning really comes in understanding the space. Anxious attachments need boundaries (this is where the entitlement comes in), avoidants need vulnerability. It's a respect thing ultimately, for yourself and others, on both sides. Avoidants aren't doing themselves any favors by being emotionally shut down, or anyone else.
I was more avoidant and he was more anxious until we married and the roles flipped. I’ve learned to allow that space, but it hurts.
I’m not anxious or avoidant . I’m happy and normal. I thank God , my parents, and the creator of this video.
Why do you need this video then?
@ who said I needed ? You can’t read.
Can you please recommend how to start healing and improving after decades of self neglect? I know what I need to do, but just feel stuck. How do you start?
I side with you...
start seeing some kind of shrink
One of the most simplest yet effective and concise videos.🎉😢 Sad reality though.Thank You Mark Groves.
Can we talk about disorganized attachment? I find most coaches don’t talk about this one
Your reaching just coming up with shit
Absolutely fantastic vid!! I'm FA and sppreciate so much, the siggestions you provided for how to calm the nervous system
Thanks for this, it's the best advice as opposed to tiptoeing around navigating their whims and getting you dancing like a puppet to their strings.
I've had 23 years as a puppet. I realised 2025 was going to be another groundhog year when she pushed me away as soon as Christmas was over. I told her she can go live her life and don't bother getting in touch. I know it was cuel but I'm done with mr.nice guy the puppet. She's not been in touch since. Thats her avoiding me and avoiding my feelings, avoiding any accountability in what's supposed to be a partnership. I'm resisting reaching out because I'd be saying I know I overreacted
Please forgive me , I'm here whenever you have it in your heart to accept this poor wretch of a man back into your wonderful awesome presence.
That definitely isn't a good idea. I did go into therapy 4 years ago because yes I had abandonment issues and realise it'd been a codependant relationship.
These days I'm more secure and even trained to become a mental health mentor. It's probably not so important labelling people because it's really compatability in the end. Compatability not just in attachment styles but in general re interests goals preferences degrees of empathy and so on. I'm focusing on making myself a better person and pursuing my volunteering goals. She may reach out but I'd need real evidence of a desire to work on things , no more future faking and breadcruming mind games. ❤
This is even harder dynamics when there betrayal that's happened...how does and anxious person deal with that...
My avoidant ex broke up out of nowhere and I guess after 8 months of dating, intimacy was too much for him. He broke up while crying and telling me that he is too overloaded and can not make me happy as he does not know what future will bring him. It sounds to me like an ecxuse and if he cried for himself more than our ending relationship. I am already 30days of no contact and my hope for us is shrinking.
You are so so so right!!! Thank you so much for making this video Mark, it really helps me
not all partners are anxious preoccupied, often times people develop natural anxiety due to the extreme avoidance of their partner... many of these types of content dont acknowledge people who partners dont speak to them for days weeks or months, we arent talking about why didnt you text me back in one min
Agreed. I mentioned even a secure person can become anxious due to avoidant behaviour
Love this, and it is possible to grow within a dynamic like this, step by step.
Dang, no wonder im exhausted 😮😢. Thanks 👍
Im not gonna die...lol..but learning about myself anf these types of relationships helps me a lot!!
Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.
I'm so sorry to hear that... often when I get asked "How do I let go?" It's by doing everything holding on is holding you back from. Intentionally healing and prioritizing YOU. My breakup recovery course is a 5 week journey into that can help support you in this: go.markgroves.com/heal-the-love-quiz
became aware 8/29/24! I took a stand, by not talking for 2 weeks, except what was absolutely necessary... And it's been awful, "it's all your fault". we are married and I get the one night stand behavior. Yet he blames me for it. I backed off over 18 months ago, just let him do what he whatever, gave him space, didn't push any situations, and he seemed to be so "happy", although he wasn't. Then I learned about all this stuff, and thought ok... now I'm aware... so I figured now I'll work with what I know... IDK if it will work... or how much I'll be able to take but I'm willing to try bc I heard from other vids that I have to learn to speak his language... which sound like he ain't got to Put in the work to change, and he won't bc he told me I'll never ever go to therapy. I am starting in Jan. God please help me!
Mark, what are your professional credentials? Trainings, certifications, degrees?
GREAT EXPLANATION!!
Thank you for being SO on point with all of what you said.
I'm married to an avoidant and I'm trying to take a hard stance right now. Divorces aren't the norm in my culture and I face immense pressure from families to hold on. Is there really no way to make it work?
I think there is no way. Divorce. I just left and see now I was putting off the inevitable. Leave before you completely lose yourself.
Go to couples therapy together
@@theelizardqueen I'm genuinely happy for you.. I get what you mean by losing yourself.. thank you for sharing your experience and understanding mine!
@@the1aboveall483 He lacks the will to make any effort.. I tried convincing his family as well but they just won't accept the obvious differences between us..
@@ksh1230 I feel sorry for you, marriages come with a dream of a life, its painful to let go of it but if he is not willing to work on himself then you have to prioritise your well being, do the needful for your happiness even if it'll hurt at first.
This was actually a good, helpful video.
I'll check out some more...
Magnifically well explained, thanks
I agree, but this becomes impossible to do when you have kids and you're married. You can't just leave.
This is way more about anxiously attached than securely attached persons in a relationship with a doomed avoidant. Even a secure person will feel doom with a resistant avoidant . Sometimes is just not worth the slow burn.
But when he pulls back I do as well, I am turn off… is it possible that I am anxious and avoidant at the same time? I would like to handle it better. 😢
Yes, it's called fearful avoidant
@@awilliams7796Aw thank you!! I’ll investigate.
Can the securely attached be almost falsely accused by the anxious of being "avoidant". To the anxious, won't a secure partner seem avoidant to them because the secure are happy being in themselves while the anxious type needs constant attention/reassurance? And in that way, can the constant need for attention turn off the secure partner almost making them avoidant or wanting to leave the overbearing "relationship"?
Secure is not about what anyone else thinks but about person's attitude and consistency towards their own and other people's legitimate needs, emotions, agreed obligations and responsibility.
You are very right! A secure person - needs another secure one, to feel good. Or a partner willing to grow and become more secure and self aware.
I loved thi video and was wondering if you could make a video on how to self-regulate?? thank you so much Mark :)
The only way this would turn into a healthy relationship is if both people identified their fears and worked on being more secure at the same time. One person can’t be trying to improve the relationship and themselves while the other one isn’t, it’s still unhealthy.
My ex had a full blown mental breakdown that I stood my own ground. It was very distressing to try and support.
I needed this! I left 2 months ago.
Well done!!
Mostly got another person on the side
I let my avoidant BF go with love several months ago. I've met a super kind and attentive man, whom I like and enjoy spending time with. We have had 7 dates. I really want that spark that is necessary for attraction. How long would you say it takes for the "spark"? And when to let go and move on? I'm in my late 50's and I definitely want a companion to enjoy life with. I so want that spark to ignite because he's a great man and very good to me. Thanks!
Finally I understood what is space!
They want to feel the attractions that will bring them towards us.
If they feel attracted they will come.
If they don't come then we can understand that they aren't attracted.
Now I have no problem, whether she comes or leaves!
Partners should feel attraction equally!
Whatever is her decision,
All the Best!
This is the best explanation I have seen so far.
(Do not underestimate your drawings!
They made me understood! )
❤❤❤
Instead of this video being about why an anxious or previously secure to anxious person was attracted to the avoidant. The objective of this video seems to be why/how the anxious is pushing away the avoidant as if the cycle in itself is not toxic and overall non-conducive to the emotional growth of each party. What I'm trying to say is this video seems to put a lot of responsibility on the anxious person as if their anxiety isn't directly induced by the avoidant and as if the avoidants' avoidant behavior isn't innately harmful to both themselves and their partner. The avoidant is the cause of the anxiety and the anxiety is the effect of the avoidance. Both perpetuate a cycle of unmet needs and emotional distance and inner (thus outer) turmoil. Both must be addressed on an individual level (why do I get anxious when there is space?; why do I get anxious when there is closeness) to foster a healthy relationship. Simple.
Thank you for your vidéo. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you 💜
Very good explained. Thank you
Yeah. I tried not approaching for years. He never even tried to come closer. He was very comfortable, as long as I stayed (it looks better from outside the relationship and it keeps the financials flowing).
Good video, thanks. I think the problem I have is that I don't like to play games. I don't want to pretend to leave when I don't really want to.
I do understand your point though, and I think it's important to make peace in my heart with the idea of being on my own, which I think I've done pretty well. I also provide my partner lots of space. As much as she needs.
I think you're right that if I were to leave her completely, it'd give her space to realise what her true feelings are for me. But I just can't lie and tell her my back is turned, when it isn't. The best I can do is give her space.
Can you do another video on this I'm secure attachment style in a relationship with a DA i work on myself everyday i know how to give space. I'm to the point where im going to walk away his behavior is not attractive yes i think he is very familiar I have boundaries with him I call him out on what he does in a healthy way i challenge him to meet my fundamental needs im happy inside myself i don't want him to chase me that is not healthy I want him to consistently communicate be vulnerable respectful honest appreciation conflict resolution words and actions match be present in the moment be loving supporting patient kind ❤
This is fact!
I am secure …
She was anxiously attached and then when emotional intimacy arrived , she shut down and ran … space ghost .
An avoidant needs healing
Let them know that they show up, or they're being replaced with someone who does... It's a win win?
Is this applicabel in marriage? or are there other approaches for this?
This is so genius. Thank you
What I would LOVE to see (which I am 10000000% NOT OWED in any way shape or form) is a deep dive into the effects of putting off sex in a relationship can solve many of these issues to one degree or another. It's my theory is that if you aren't banging you're talking and that has a profound impact on the foundation of a relationship. It's not perfect but I feel like it's VERY helpful.
Avoidants avoid talking tho, they replace real connection with superficial sex.
@ exactly: don’t replace the sex.
@@michaella5799they do. I even suggested prolonging sex with female FA and she basically shamed me into having it. Bc it’s “2024” “everyone’s fucking”
“Who’s everyone”
“Well,. My sister and that ONE guy she brings over”
“That doesn’t sound good”
“Well I’ve showed you all of me”(falsified sanctity) meaning her backyard and kitchen
I didn’t hold the boundary and here I am 4 months later wishing I never spoke a word to her. Please heed this if anyone is in the early stages.. it’s soul crushing but you need to hear this. This person will waste precious years of your life. Do NOT let them. They are selfish and not in step with the creator
Not completely true. Most DAs end up giving up sex after awhile too. So then what?
@@kristidin1983 then I guess there is no hope and it’s not even work looking at idea of putting off sex.
Thank you. Love how you explain it and say it bluntly with a big brother tone
Cause I care! Enough tolerating BS!
that's what I just did in the "relationship" I thought I had. I walked away and I don't wan to be part of him keeping pulling out anymore, bc he does not make effort to be vulnerable, to open up instead of just being defensive and calling me "sensitive". he is very dismissive with my feelings and kinda says with his behavior just "get over it" instead of trying to developed the real deep talking. He keeps finding many reasons to just escape from the convos. has things to do, busy etc. and that 's because he is in therapy and also aware that he has avoidant attachment. But unless his therapist says so, he doesn't take my feelings/onions and what I have to say into considerations. So, yeah, be happy in a relationship with yourself. I got tired of immature grown "man"
Boundaries are ultimatums.
What a great simple statement
Is this advice for dating only or also marriage?
Any relational dynamics, including marriage... the partner who is avoidant needs to be called forward. If you haven't already invited them towards change, start there.
Dating a 58 year old travel nurse . Multiple affairs sleeps with doctors , cocaine and alchol addiction! loved the first affair guy that hit her, she would go to the work with black eyes. Then i come along and shes super scared to be real, have emotions, etc. Bad child hood trauma on her part rape , drugs, etc. To this day at 58 she is scared to be in a relationship. So she avoids , controls , anything to protect herself! super crazy learning experience. and she doesnt want to Heal or go back to her Husband!!! Just no coping etc etc etc
Thanks for clarifying
Dude, you said it all. You've got to leave them alone so they'll know you're not there waiting for them to come back. But there is always this jump. For instance, you'll hear about someone who did do a long no contact stint but will jump to "and then we talked on the phone". Now, if you've left or have been gone for a long period of time, then when did you connect to be talking on the phone suddenly? Did the avoidant break down and call you? Or did you test the waters after the long no contact period by leaving a little ten-second message or text for them? Other than that, I get it.