Adult Children in Blended Families
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- Опубликовано: 31 авг 2020
- People are often surprised that adult children in blended families face the same emotional adjustment as younger kids. They may be more mature, but they still have to deal with loss and change.
Advice for parents and stepparents of adult children from bestselling author, license marriage & family therapist, podcaster and popular conference speaker Ron L. Deal.
Visit FamilyLife Blended at www.familylife.com/familylife... for resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.
For more blended family resources: www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/
Finally someone writing about adult children steps! Thank you.
Almost all older men are controlled by their adult children who are very jealous to lose their inheritance in a father’s a new marriage. Now, I’m looking only for childless men because I can’t stand the drama, being childless myself.
Totally. My husband chooses to honor me first and I would t be in the us family if he did not!
Yup exactly
Is it possible for an entire book to be written on this subject?
Ten years on, still being nice. Know everything about their family, their deceased mother, their childhood memories, their grandparents and cousins. They know nothing about me, my family history, my son. No interest whatsoever. Although they are in their 40s I guess I’m the adult in the “relationship “. Being friendly does not mean becoming friends. You are definitely on the giving end of this relationship.
Same for me, Lizzie, 11 years on. My adult stepdaughters are in their late 30's. They go through polite motions, but they know little about my 71 years of life, and simply do not care to ask. Conversations are friendly, but superficial. When they visit, which is rare, when they do something that irritates me, or with which I disagree, I am in a quandary. If I speak up my wife gets upset that I am ruining her short time with them. I am essentially invisible when they come. When they call and I see who it is on the caller ID I don't pick up. I know they are calling for their mother, so why engage in the pretense that they wish to talk with me? I know a lot about each of them because I've listened to their life stories through my wife, and am constantly updated. I have decided to try something else, which is when either next visits I will not be home. Better that than risking an eruption in our house and upsetting my wife. She is sad that it's come to this, but she holds no influence over her daughters so it's come down to these two choices for me. Sometimes in life you declare victory, sometimes it's defeat.
@@possumato I certainly relate and have today decided on the next visit I will not be home.
@@possumato as I read this right now here in texas I have a 28 year old stepson who just got a new car and haven't been offered a ride in it, while about 7 other people have already taken rides in it. It's a shame and a sad situation.
Lots of us in this position, it seems. A 20-year one-sided relationship doesn't actually get easier with time. You don't expect someone you've just met to remember your birthday or to know about your activities or interests, but after years of reaching out with nothing but a coldly polite response or nothing at all, it's hard not to give way to hurt feelings and resentment.
No, adults should not be allowed to be rude or give their father ultimatums to choose them or their stepparent. That is a wedge attempt.
I still got clobbered.
We are so sorry. It's hard work and it's unexpected.
This is so true
After 18 children must to go about their lives, carry their own weight, and never interfere in their parents lives, especially, if the parents remarry.
How about if the other parent walked out in bad terms and the kids don't like that parent anymore?
What do u say 5 the daughter says "his money is my money and will always be .my money" and the husband says nothing ?
That sounds like a tough situation. We have a podcast that was recently recorded on the topic of blended families and finances. You may find it helpful. ruclips.net/video/tJuL5sjC-CU/видео.html
I was hopeful when I saw "adult stepchildren" but this is a very vanilla take on the subject. It would be lovely if it was 'this easy'.
So true! It's not easy. This is just a short video but there is a whole chapter devoted to this subject in the book The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.
I have an adult step daughter who is 19, I met her when she was 16.
I've been nothing but nice to her and all I get in return is hate, animosity she has towards me, disrespect, ect.
I tell my wife about this or even if she witnesses her daughters behavior towards me, she sides with her daughter and they tell me it's my fault and I need to stop causing problems.
I feel isolated, ostracized, alone, my wife doesn't support me, Im constantly gas lighted.
This has got me feeling depressed and though I won't act upon the impulses, I have had thoughts of suicide. The only time I find happiness is when I'm out fishing.
I've tried to throw in the towel and divorce my wife three times now because of this.
But I've came back because she has guilt tripped me and begged me to come back. I've told her that things need to change if I do and nothing has changed, all I got was empty promises that were broken.
I just don't know what to do anymore...
Stop being pathetic and taking everything personally. You can’t compete with her child.
Doesn't sound too fun. The teenager will grow up. People often do better when kid's are grown before remarrying.
Hang in there, Corey. You've got to take care of yourself now. See my reply to Lizzie (above).
And I’m a nice lady, childless, looking for a good man, and can’t find him.
@@KoolT My step children were in their mid-30s. If I shared about my situation and how they were acting, people thought I was dealing with grammar school kids. The passive-aggressive stuff they dished out.We have a trance now after 10 years but I will always hold them at arms’ length as I don’t trust them. They know nothing about my family or history because they are not interested. If I share, no reaction, comments or questions. I just couldn’t keep up a one sided relationship for years on end.
What about when they live with you and refuse to contribute in any way? No cleaning up behind themselves, no cooking, no buying food no rent.
Virginia, have you sat down with them and had a conversation? Ask them about expectations and what they think is reasonable.
What? That’s not right. Why is that being allowed?
And what happens when they start treating you like shit and their mom defends them?
My wifes adult kids feel like they should come first above me. Thoughts?
That is common in blended families. Often children, even adult children, fear losing their biological parent. Your wife will need to set the tone with them in helping them accept you and new priorities in the family. I would encourage you to get a copy of The Smart Stepfamily. There is a chapter dedicated to adult stepfamilies. The other chapters on parenting may be extremely valuable as well. Adult children are often experiencing the same emotions as younger children so understanding that may be helpful.
Here is a podcast on the topic, as well. ruclips.net/video/ahTBTzmgsXI/видео.html
Blessings, FLB Team
They will try it on. The couple needs to be in agreement that it’s the marriage first and then the adult children. They have spouses and families of their own. They should be focused on their own marriage, not their widowed father.
New wife…..
20 years later. The same. 😔
Praying for you. ~Blessings, FLB
To me, this is a crock of crap. As a grown person, they should be happy for their parent to find love again. Who gives a crap if they have to adjust of Thanksgiving dinner. Life‘s full of adjustment grow up and grow a pair. Be happy for your parent, and not as focused on your stupid self
Go very slow. Really scares the kid's. Just be polite.
They need to GROW UP!
They need to GROW UP!!!