Things narcissists do to DESTROY your confidence
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- Опубликовано: 6 мар 2024
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Narcissists try to destroy people out of jealousy, because they know deep down inside that YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM!
So true in my case
It is true 😂 they hate being authentic, that is why. Someone authentic reminds them of their inferiority.
😂😂😂😂 Yes!!! I could see the insecurity in him All the time; he hated the fact that I have a master's degree, speak 3 languages, etc.
( I Never lauded it over his head, never put him down for not having those things...)
But. I could see it in him, how much he envied Me. 😂😂
😂😂😂
why y'alls discussing my ex😂😂😂😂
Its better to be alone and lose everything than be with them and live in frustration.
Easier said than done
The thought of being near another person just repulses me now after dealing with a Psycopath. I have lost interest in human connection entirely. I still have friends and family but I just don't want to go through this hell ever again.
But maam we are indian we can not abundant our parents and partner, that not our upbringing. Sad but truth.
@@abhilash7510 I agree. But worth trying
Being with a narcissist or narcissists can be extremely painful. Notice that I used the word narcissists in its plural form. I'm still healing from it all. I doubt if I would have chosen the lessons if I'd known. But life's a stage.
Not only do they destroy you by mocking everything you do they make you feel so small that you believe you deserve nothing
Or not until I lost weight. Only after I lost weight did I deserve a better life.
@@SweetUniverse Is he your exe?
I put my Po face on and stare right into their eyes with a look of disgust, it seems to deflate them somewhat.
yes
I'm made to feel like trash from mine.
The worst part is losing yourself in the toxic relationship
Yeah it really is 😢
"You do nothing" "You don't do enough" "I get nothing from you" was all I heard for 3 years
I kept hearing from my husband... I do so much for you people but you never appreciate and always complain...... The moment I point out anything wrong or voice my wishes or desire.... He doesn't remember my birthday or our anniversary and then blames me for not reminding him.... Go figure
Exactly what I’ve been going through, till I walked out of the toxic relationship with my child.
3 years is a blessing . I'm on year 30.
One day to all that hogwash I said if that true why are you with me 😂 shut it down !! 👎 replied well I don't give up on anything.. yeah right 👍 !
I give anyone the strength to just walk away , it is death by a million cuts . It fry’s your mind beyond belief and they are family . It’s made me question my mind , walk away walk away walk away . Distance helps you heal
The most dangerous living thing is a human.
A narcissistic human is even more deadly. Avoid at all costs.
So true! Animals either like or hate you.
Humans lie, cheat and deceive.
God bless you ❤️ 🙏
True! We don't get sick from bacteria, virus or
sugar as much as we gone sick of others madness.
I just found out yesterday that my divorce from my BPD/NPD ex was finalized and it's like a weight has been lifted from my heart. My confidence is finally coming back after many years of abuse and pain
Wishing you all the best for this next chapter! 🎉🎉
Congrats on your New, Healthy, Loving and "normal" life!! You deserve it, we all do!!! Much love and health to your future!! Stay Strong!!
You're free; congratulations!
Congratulations!!! Wishing you many beautiful things for the future!🦋💐💜
Congratulations mine was finalized 1 year ago I know the feeling of freedom finalizing the divorce. Wishing you joy, stability, and self-actualization. 🎉
Dr.ramani,this morning on a terrace in the sun I read the first two pages of its not you .itmade me cry (I’m a 72 year old man)love you!
❤
The book is incredible!! I am so grateful for it!
As Arthur I wish you nothing but the best and how lucky you are to be watching the Sun ☀️ on the terrace
❤
Covert Narcissists don't tell you... they show you your incompetent by making you look foolish... finding your weaknesses and displaying them.
Heyokas are known for their ability to make others think deeply while laughing at the same time. For example, a Heyoka might crack a joke that exposes a hidden truth or unveils an unexpected perspective. Their humor serves as a wake-up call, encouraging people to question their assumptions and expand their minds.
Indigo's are powerful and driven individuals with creative vision and empathy for the world. They have a deep understanding of themselves and others, which causes them to love people deeply and want to make a difference in the world. Indigo's are often associated with creativity, spirituality, and intuition.
Descriptions of indigo children include that they: Are empathic, curious, and strong-willed. Are often perceived by friends and family as being strange. Possess a clear sense of self-definition and purpose.
What is a dark INFJ?
In conclusion, the INFJ personality type has a dark side that is often overlooked. INFJs can be emotionally overwhelmed, stubborn, defensive, and honest to the point of being blunt or rude. They may struggle with stress, conflict, high expectations, and accepting change.
I've been feeling and listening and reacting to Covert Narcissistism since childhood! Ugh! Born an illegitimate child from an adulterous relationship before Roe vs Wade... never told. Kept hidden secret... genetic father denied it says didn't remember... passed now. His older legit son called me and confirmed everything.
My ex told me I'd never drive, couldn't cook and would never own a home. I own 3 houses. I'm a pretty good cook and a superb driver 😅
He was a good booster in your life. 😂😂
I cannot wait to go down the loooooooooong list of “ you won’t ever you can’t and ew why would you” he’s provided me with! Revenge is becoming everything he said you wouldn’t be.
@@ms.liszz.9206 Yup, I like a challenge 😂
🤣🤣🎉
🎉🎉🎉 good for you!!!
Another way they express contempt is their tone of voice. Which can drip with disgust at your very presence.
And the look on their face.
And the silent treatment
Yup
Life with a narc is a war for your soul. The navy seals have an acronym to endure torture. SERE. Survive, Evade, Resist and Escape.
I came after my golden child sister and my parents gave me the initials ASS !! I'll never know it was intentional but I definitely underachieved at school.
Away from their influence I achieved a degree and a masters. My narcissistic mother didn't like me "showing off" by stating that I was the only one in the family that got the degree and masters. It was so telling that she couldn't find it in herself to be proud of me.
I AM proud of me!
You broke the narrative your mother prepared for you. Congratulations 🎉
I was older, but I turned out to be the whistle blower. So I lost my golden child status to my younger sister.
I didn't receive any encouragement or support for academic success. I barely received enough bus fare to school and college. I never had more than 6 outfits and 3 panties. I had to use my mother's old sandals after puberty. I had housekeeping role assigned when my sister was born. She got every luxury parents could afford. But after a time, even she was scapegoated. We are both ' no contact ' with parents for some years now.
Maybe you are the "Absolutely Stunning Sister/Sibling"!!! 😂 Rock it!!!
I got away from my mother and I became a lot happier.
Well, jokes on them. There's not a man alive that doesn't love ASS. Well done on the achievements too
Im stuck in a 39 year relationship with a narcissist, I didn't realise what was going on until I came on here.
I now understand that I am a victim.
I'm not unloveable, I'm not a piece of trash.
I've suffered so much abuse, I feel sad and lonely, I feel like crying.
But at least seeing all the comments on here it makes me realise I'm not alone.
Ur not trash
Wish I could give you a hug. 33 years for me.
@@dgator3599 thank you, I could do with a hug, it's refreshing to see on here that I'm not alone.
@@dgator3599 ♥️
Twice over the last few years she has ignored me for 10 WEEKS, no food, not a word, nothing, I spent Christmas day in the loft room with a twix for my dinner, I've slept in the loft room for the last 10 years.
I've been insulted in front of strangers, and belittled.
Also her daughter is a narcissist so when she visits it's unbearable.
I have to walk on eggshells, think carefully before I say anything.
I get no love or affection.
If only I heeded the red flags on the early days, the abuse, the cheating.
The covert narcissist does this at a hidden level they criticize you with back handed compliments
this
Or just bizarre statements about your appearance that aren’t overtly negative but still clearly insulting. For me, I rarely got compliments, despite giving them out constantly. All I got were weird statements like “you have such small teeth” or “your neck is so long.” Okay then, I guess I’ll go join the circus. 🎪
I was ignored and invalidated over and over. Information that was told in belief that it would help situations was used against me. Words were twisted against me and was told instead what they thought and wanted. I was also made to feel incompetent and crazy. The subtle and constant gaslighting was real.😔
My dad would give me tasks to do as a kid but sabotage them like cutting the lawn but breaking the mower so it went wrong then he could criticise..he was a sick mf
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that. It’s horrible to be torn down like that, when all you want is to be seen and heard but the only thing they care to do with the info is keep it in their back pocket to use against you at their next convenience.
I hope you’re able to get away from the manipulators in your life and find the safety and support you have always deserved. 💛
YES!!! I know this experience intimately.
Thanks to Dr. Ramani has saved us locked in a narcissistic relationship.
56 years of biting my tongue and believing I am unable to survive the latest betrayal.
This is why I no longer tell anyone what I am doing and I just do it. If they find out afterward, there's little they can do about it at that point. If they never find out about it, that's fine too! I had to learn not to seek validation from these people. I am just me doing me.
Very smart!! And humble too. ❤
@@FiatVoluntasTua888 Thanks! Yeah, it's all we can do so we don't forget WHAT we can do.
I decided not to tell my narc parent about going on a vacation last week. Why? Because I finally saw the pattern of cutting down my fun plans, outright crapping on the plans, giving unsolicited advice/feedback, or dry begging.
@@Thatpersonanon absolutely! Sometimes less is more. I don’t tell anybody anything.
I wanted to become an hvac technician. My now ex narcisist told me I couldn't because he didn't want me to have an achievement. During our last "off again" I started a job with an hvac company. Our last "on again" only lasted a month. Thanks to these videos I knew what I was stuck in and found the courage to break away from it. Anyway now I am a fully licensed hvac technician. I think there were multiple layers of why he didn't want me to set a new goal. But now here I am, a female hvac tech. Who makes good money and doesn't need help with bills. 3 years later I have an amazing fiance and life is so beautiful. There is life after narcissistic abuse! I promise!
That is so cool! Congratulations! :)
Love this, thanks for sharing 😊
Very encouraging! Congrats for everything!!!
🎉😂
Another student in my chemistry class wanted to be a nurse and her husband did everything he could to sabotage her.
To this day my 95yo mom says, “You can’t do that, how can you do that?”
This past summer, I moved her from AZ to OR almost single-handedly. Sold the house etc. she only taught me how to do the housework she DIDN’T want to do. When I spotted a jar of Jubilee Wax, at True Value Hardware, I shuttered, remembering its toxic smell as I used to polish the chrome legs on the kitchen table. I’m 72. Can I hear an amen, ladies?
Oh dear yes. (amen means so be it)
I salute you, what an accomplishment 🎉
Oh yeah! Amen! Triggers are evidence of trauma. Narcissistic mothers do the most damage
I'll do better. YOU GO GIRL! You're a Badasses Goddess Superhero! 🥰😎👸🌹💃 When anyone says you can't, do this:. Say WATCH ME while turning on your heels and walking away. you
No argument from me. There's plenty I can remember that suddenly makes my lip curl up. Not a nice surprise to encounter those kinds of things, especially when you aren't braced for it. ❤
I've found that when a narcissist finds out you are quietly doing things they did not approve of, the retributions are almost unbearable.
Tough luck for them! They use a double standard. You lose no matter what. It's grossly on-sided, in their favor; they're not worth yours or my time!
My mom will say "Oh I love that, but ...." There is always a but
I’m sorry that’s awful.
Damn. I don't even get the "I love that..." part. 😢 That's so hurtful...I'm so sorry!
It’s one of the saddest things I’ve seen watching my best friends brilliant light fade after 2 years of exposure to a couple of narcissistic family members.
I was vulnerable and called my mother two years into my marriage, and I told her that my spouse was being verbally abusive to me and I thought maybe I should leave him. "Do you really think you can do that?" she replied. It took me 24 more years of abuse to leave.
Omg. EXACT same story here. It took me 20 years to get out.
@@chascossa I'm sorry you went through that too.
Sounds like my mother, so sad. 😞
Often , when a person is groomed into an abusive relationship, it occurs because they are conditioned and made more vulnerable by one or sometimes both parents. It's common to go towards what feels familiar when it comes to romantic relationships.
@@merillwalter8698It is.
He told me I was too sensitive, overweight, and will always be financially stressed out from my other narcissistic family members, and found him flirting with other women online (he gaslighted me saying that it’s normal to flirt with friends). In just 6 months, moved out of state, got a new job, hiked the most strenuous trails at 2 National Parks, lost 30 pounds…he didn’t know how capable I was.
Girl my husband tells me I'm too sensitive. He comment on girls pictures and send them Kiss emojis if I say anything he just says im.toxic and I have low self esteem
He used to say, "All I ask is that you provide the kids with a healthy meal. " This used to drive me crazy as we have 4 children, and I have always cooked for them. They are all healthy children. Sometimes, I would have an easy dinner he would get so mad and order himself expensive beef ribs only for himself while the rest of watching him eat them. We were always on a tight budget, and takeaway food was a luxury. He would never help at meal times and never lifted a finger to clean up. For 20 years I slaved in the kitchen and providing food for my family was something I could confidently say that I did. I left him 2 years ago, and I still have flashbacks to those times when I decide to have an easy dinner now when I have had a big day at work.
When you see homeless people or jailbirds or low level income people, don't look down at them. Some of them got intangible with a narcissist and the narcissist pulled them down. Some things in life is fated and not the fault of the person.
this is 100% true
good advice. thats so true
I got told at 6am while sitting with him at the hospital for his colonoscopy that if it wasn't for him I would be in a women's shelter or living under a bridge. Almost every day I was told (in some way) how worthless I was. Nothing was every appreciated or good enough no matter what I did. Anything I was proud of myself for doing, was looked at with indifference, belittled, or mocked. It's really sickening all that was done to me.
I feel your pain.
Mine has ignored me for 10 weeks, twice she's done that, no food, total ignoring.
She tells me when I'm hot or cold, criticises my haircut, clothes, friends, work colleagues, hobbies.
I could write a book about my treatment over 39 years.
Oh and her daughter is the same.
@@lutherbuckhurst3887 You need to get away. At least you are still able to have friends and colleagues so you have some support. My family was run off and I didn't have friends. I did everything like a slave because he made the money (he had me quit my job to take care of everything else and he had 3 shifts rotate, so schedule never same) He felt that entitled him to do what he wanted except be loving or interested in me. My book would have to be listed as horror. Try to salvage the rest of your life before it is too late!
Literally same. I just got out of my relationship after 5 years and was just realizing this past year of what a narcissist was and it was like a missing piece fitting the puzzle together. Sadly I did love 1 side of him I barely saw, that's why I stayed as long as I did.
My 26 year old son is struggling because of these messages from his father all his life. The destruction that man left in his wake is unbelievable.
"After a while you cut out the toxic middle man and start blaming yourself. " wow. Do we all feel as if Dr.Ramani is doing a case study on our lives? Thank you for the clarity and validation!
Death by a thousand cuts is a really good description. When I got out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist I found it incredibly difficult to actually explain to anybody what the "big issue" was that ended things. It is an endless array of dismissals, passive aggressive actions, manipulation, emotional games, one-sidedness, entitlement, unfair standards, confusion, lack of care, and actions rarely matching up with words. The biggest things that stood out to defend against the gaslighting and projection were the lack of remorse, circular arguments, and the complete incapability to see what is fair and equal. The maternal emotional incest was a big thing that stood out.
In a nutshell.. and competition.
Maternal emotional incest!!! The term that I was looking for. Thank you ❤🙏
@@nuurie107 Very welcome. From my experience, Mom is up on a pedestal that can’t ever be achieved, but the partner is certainly expected to try
Side note: everything you want to do and believe you can do, you must do for you. I wrote my poetry book, travelled, started a business all while raising my son. I will keep going
There's also a weird reverse version of this. I saw my dad do it to my son: it's when you need specific knowledge or experience and the narc expects you to be capable without it.
My dad set out the tools and jack to change a tire and then walked away and expected a child to know how to change a tire with no experience. It makes you feel incompetent, like it's a personal failure instead of a simple (normal) lack of experience or a devious plot to make you FEEL incompetent.
Thanks for bringing up that point. My ex does the same to our son, he says in a loud strong tone you better learn how to read, you better learn how to tie your shoes etc. Like he was born knowing how to do or learn things. He criticizes our son for his neglect as a parent.
I operated an LLC for five years. All I heard was, "Do you even have any employees? Then it's not a business." That constant crap eventually made me feel like I wasn't good enough alone, and so I hooked up with what turned out to be...a raging narcissist!! Got loose of that, worked in corporate America for a spell, and now hope to resurrect my biz. So much time lost. But lessons solidified!
Rooting for you as you relearn to trust yourself and share your unique insight and gifts with others! I'm glad you resurrected your LLC - I bet it will feel like coming back to life in many ways!
What really got me with the last one was that they weren't putting me down. Quite the opposite, yet it still felt off. They were always so positive and supportive, but I still felt like I was second rate, because they also kept big noting themselves and trying to prove they knew more than me, which as it turns out, they really don't. I swear there is nothing more terrifying than a narcissist who gets a psychology degree so they can better understand how to manipulate people
Oh! No doubt.
This is something that I realized. Narcissists will use even information that should be healing to manipulate people. It's crazy!! The more they know the more dangerous they get.
There is more terriyfing, licensed psychiatrist with quite prounanced narcissistic traits.
Just imagine living with "that one"...
At age 19, two years into my second long term abusive relationship, I wrote a poem called Soul Homicide. I was pretty dang smart back then. I knew what I knew, but then I went on to live all my years still feeling trapped in that experience.
😢
Do you mind sharing that poem?
This reminds me of a quote from Philosophy Tube's video Violence and Protest. It's near the end of the video, but it's so succinct.
So good to meet fellow poets who have experienced Narc Abuse.❤❤❤❤❤ At the same time, it is kinda scary as well, to imagine what you must have gone through.
I happen to be bilingual, and my works in English as an attempt to make some sense of what was happening to me was "Where is My Home ?" and "Wrath: An Awakening".
I would be honored to read it.
45years of this, it took me 42yrs to see what was going on,thanks to videos like yours and educating myself about narcissism❤...thanks
Me, too. It's been really eye opening.
Me three….agreed…thank you Dr Ramani!
I turn 39 in a few days and just learned this 8 months ago!
I wished that I didn’t have to say me four.. In 41 years he has totally isolated me from the world. With no job, no family and no friends we do nothing on the weekends, he spends them with the neighbors while I stay home. He goes to work and then he takes his vacation days to go on hunting and fishing trips with the guys. We haven’t been anywhere is seven years because he don’t like the beach We’ve been camping a few times with the kids and camping is NOT a vacation it’s a job. Nobody invites us anywhere or comes over to our house, “It’s not me”, it’s him. Thanks Dr Ramani.
1:23 due to my health declining I was very easily manipulated by both my husband at the time and his mother. They had me convinced I was too disabled to be a good mom on my own without their help. It was a learned helplessness that I had to unlearn after my divorce. I'm still disabled, but I'm a lot more capable than they convinced me I was.
You're so right that it is a grooming process. It was so confusing to me because I have an IQ in the Mensa range, did very well in school, and was good at many things. AND he said it was these things he was attracted to! I was so persistent in pushing back and providing evidence that I was, in fact, a competent human being, but it never worked. And when I wouldn't accept that I was "incompetent" it would degenerate to calling me irresponsible and then delusional. After nearly 20 years of that, I fell apart and eventually left. But it was devastating. Even now, 25 years after leaving, I still sometimes feel the need to prove my competence to other people. Your videos have helped SO MUCH in my recovery. I finally understand what happened. Happy ending: Married 17 years to a true partner who supports and encourages me.
All of this over 30 years! It’s crazy-making and even though I am out, I am still fighting against these entrenched beliefs about myself. I have always been so capable and yet I am struggling.
Same. ❤
The healing is lifelong, it has periods of ebb and flow. A good metaphor is to frame the experience like peeling layers of an onion..
Even people who are not narcissists can damage you because so many people have been abused as children. My narcissist was a neighbor. We must be very careful about anyone we deal with, and extremely discerning about who we trust. No one I've actually met can believe what I went through. Thank you Dr Ramani
I survived a 41 year marriage with a narcissist. Quit frankly, I don’t know where the strength came from to leave. I remember being an independent woman and being str😮enough to live my own life. What happened? Being 71 and divorced was nowhere on my horizon. Finally I am starting to taste life again. It is a very slow process. Thank you for your help.
Before the relationship -I paid the bills, do tasks, free time, work and studying on a timely manner and with confidence. throughout the relationship, I felt as though I was getting pulled away from my own regimen feeling less and less confident with knowing in the back of my mind how to do my own personal tasks. I felt like I lost my independence. The more time that passed , I felt I became weaker and weaker because I felt like I needed the opinion to make the right choice regardless of what choice it was.
I really wish I had found your channel 30 years ago.
Sometimes I wake up and tell her I'm sick and immediately she'll say I know I'm sick too. Constant mirroring to dismiss me my pain becomes her pain...
Yup, I’m constantly told I’m incompetent. It’s like he always has a backhanded compliment to say.
HA! Incompetent was his favorite word.
This thing you said in many interviews.. be quite about your victories or things you love. Enjoy it quietly. Don't share. Makes so much sense. Whenever something beautiful happens, you want to share.. however, now I keep quiet and do it. You don't have to announce it. I also observed that when you share anything good, that is happening.. i don't know how it ends up being bad. Like something happens that sabotaged it.
I realized about a year ago that my husband has borderline personality disorder and covert narcissist personality disorder. My parents were narcissistic and extremely abusive. It’s so hard to break free after 34 years of marriage.
I was an All Star Little Leaguer who thought my Histrionic Grandpa would be excited to hear I wanted to play College Baseball. He laughed at me and said I better be thinking about what job I was going to get…I was 15
When they know they've done something wrong and deflect by telling you a down-on-their-luck story about someone else
Mine would stay quiet and act like nothing ever happened.
Trying to ignore him feeling guilty as he is trying to be kind yet it’s an ACT
My mother used to call me the pompous ass that knew nothing. I was reminded daily by my mother, "Don't ever think you will be smarter than me!"
Yep, my mother went to a vocational school when she was in her 40s to learn “Travel and Tourism” and earned a Certificate in six weeks. She told everyone that she was the first one in the family to earn a college degree. I went to business school and earned my degree without any financial or moral support from her. She didn’t even come to my graduation ceremony only showing up afterwards.
I’ve more so experienced negging. It’s very subtle at first, like “is that what you’re going to wear” when you are dressed beautifully and they can tell you’re feeling good. Planting doubt. Or even pulling a face when you put something on. It wasn’t coming from a place of jealousy, like I don’t want people to see how beautiful and sexy she is because they would enjoy showing me off like a trophy but so that I- who is beautiful and confident will slowly start to doubt myself and need him to reassure me that I am beautiful etc. Using their supply of reassurance to control and punish me.
Completely destroyed my self image and confidence. It wasn’t until I spoke to family about it that someone was able to point out to me what was happening.
Fascinating, I’m pretty sure I don’t have a narcissistic style, but after being around them most of my life, I have said I’ve not been supported. Narcissists do not support you. They overburden you with the responsibility for the things they don’t want to do, then blame you for not being able to do it all. It makes sense that we complain that we aren’t supported in getting things done.
I will take ownership when I drop the ball, but I have never had the support of my parents, siblings, or larger community - definitely no support from the narc I married.
Than you for this!! Definitely any time I offered ideas, solutions, etc they are dismissed and even sometimes result in an angry outburst like ‘I don’t need you to tell me how to take care of this’.
Most times when I try to have any type of meaningful conversation. I get an impatient response like this is the most boring thing or i am talking too much.
I am just supposed to be there for ‘fun’ and laughing and joking around.
There is zero interest in my life, my work (except that it gets in the way of just running off on a whim for a vacation), my family, or anything I am interested in.
Any suggestion I make for something we could do together we never do.
I know the feeling. Make a new, better website design, for the family business? Flat response. Not enough. Didn’t quite hit the note. Then, you start to figure out that nothing hits the note - but your mother would like for you to keep trying. I got over that and left her with the original layout. Had better things to do.
@@privateprivate8366 yes like Dr Ramani says we have to get to the place of radical acceptance that this person will rarely be any different/will never change. Nothing will ever be good enough -no way to ‘win’ except to not take it on.
My god you are describing my relationship. Mine would look away and not even let me finish a sentence. I swear I would think I’m a chatter box. But after watching Dr Ramini and after his betrayal it made me look at things differently. I have moments I feel like an idio/ for not noticing it. 22 yrs of him chipping at my self esteem. My cooking. When I would laugh in a movie theater. Talking over me. Why be with me for song long when clearly this man was so troubled or disgruntled with me. That’s the crazy part to me.
Wish you the best. Know “It’s not You!”
@@margaritaramos7643 it is terrible that you went through this for so long - i see so many people that have been in long term relationships - i mean i’m only coming up on year 4 and for a while it was totally devastating - lost myself almost completely.
but thankfully the internet was well developed by the time i started to search for answers. even from the time i started seeking answers to now the information available about these abusive and destructive relationships has grown tremendously.
but especially so thankful for Dr Ramani’s work her videos and her new book. the damage is so real and so deep. and she is an amazing advocate and thankfully focused on helping people not only to understand but to heal which is a huge endeavor.
i’m so glad you are aware too and i definitely hope that the rest of your life just gets better and better as you gain your sense of self and realize how amazing you really are. 🦋💙 and yes - It’s Not You!! - i devoured the book the same day it came in!!
Mine does something childish everyday he’s almost 60. If the conversation is not about him he don’t want to hear it. Countless cooking videos and shows and I still can’t cook, so he says overcooked or undercooked something is wrong with it. I remember him coming home from work and asking what was this crap I called dinner and throwing it in the garbage. He loves his mama’s cooking, burnt meat and American Goulash made with hamburger, elbow noodles, tomato sauce and onions. I feel your pain as it only gets worse the older they get.
I was told that as a woman I was not allowed to do certain things. “That's a man’s job. You need to learn your place.” And his flying monkey family agreed with him!
ugh - i was told ‘ i wish we were back in the days when women would just be quiet’
to which i said oh my and now i can vote and everything.
dare i say i detect some misogyny there as well…
This is the only space I can go to feel what really happened. You understand and name the abuse. It’s so validating after a lifetime of not knowing what it was, blaming myself, being labeled the problem, and wanting to wearily give up. Thank you. 🙏
Don’t even get me started on the abuse that the golden child endures but cannot see it because they live as one being
Oh God! Yes!
Also the isolation from your own siblings!
I wanted to renovate an old building into a home. Hubs said i cant.
Ha, i was the designer, contractor and did a bunch of the work myself. I got the permits, i hung wood ceilings and so much more. Boom, take that! Turned out gorgeous!
I was told I couldn't even get out of bed. That I couldn't cook dinner, that I couldn't even take care of my man in a sexual way, that I couldn't keep the house clean, that i couldn't even go out to the store, or go have lunch with him, that i was to lazy, mind you i had 2 back surgeries and a medical implant in me so yes things were more difficult for me to achieve, and when i had my surgeries it was such a terrible sad experience because he was so rude to me and i cried so much it was terrible and actually made me so depressed 😔 I'm just about 3 months out and kept my no contact for 1 full month.. When I feel like I might wanna reach out to him I automatically get on RUclips and watch you Dr RAMANI, you have helped me so much and I'm so blessed and grateful for you and all your videos.. You truly are my HERO..
my stepbrother killed himself during the lockdowns. he was suffering for decades with depression but during this time, he had no access to professional help. told my "friend" and she asked...you didn't grow up in the same house, right? i said no and she said...so anyway, i had lunch with the girls today. same person cut down my 9 bark tree branches so she could see the pool more clearly...instead of moving her chair. she cancelled a bday party because two days before i didn't answer the door when she knocked. i was sleeping. i could go on. another word for narc is as sh ole.
I'm sorry you lost your brother and had to deal with such insensitive behavior.
Yes!! I’m just going through a re.-empowerment realizing just how much this was done to me over the last seven years, not counting the abilities I simply offered I up so he would feel good and strong and manly. I am so grateful for this video and the timing of it. My ex used it as a braking system to stop any projects I wanted to do. He would insist that he needed to do some early step in the process and then take months, years or just never do it. The delay would be such Drag on my motivation. I’m not exaggerating when I say Every project!! Hooray for divorce and my life back!!
The interesting thing about sitting back and not engaging with the narc is that you see the narc does the same thing to other people around him/her. I go as far as sitting back and observe those people's reactions to the narc's gaslighting. This allows me to identify, in the narc's sphere of influence, the enablers, other possible narc, and the victims.
41 yrs of marriage , she made the money, I raised our sons. She used reactive abuse I was charged with dv with no physical harm , never convicted. I’m 70 and not a high value man. I feel like it’s over. She was a covert.
So sorry...thank you for posting. We need to be reminded that women can be narcissistic, too.
Good morning Dr Ramani and Community❤
He continues to call me a child saying I can’t do the things he asks me to do and also used “attention seeking” on me! Also said I was below his intellectual needs. Confusion is an understatement. Caught him in many lies and then gaslit me about them. Cheated etc. I’m done. Started no contact 2 days ago.
My parents used to always tell me I had "book smarts but no common sense." This generally happened if I asked a "silly" question, or made a mistake with a "basic task."
Now I know how ridiculous this was. I was largely left on my own to parent myself, along with helping friends with absent parents get through difficult times - eating disorders, suicide attempts, abuse...
I've come to realize that despite my many skills, my parents gaslighting led me to grow up believing I'm an incompetent idiot hiding behind a university degree. Cue imposter syndrome.
Near the end (before I left) I was so beat down regarding making decisions, I was trained to wait for him to tell me what to do, like changing lanes on a highway. 😢
I've been out almost 6 years and I'm FINALLY in the place where I trust myself.
I'm remarried to an amazing man and I STILL ask him if I can go to the bathroom!!!!
Yup, I had to ask permission to go to the bathroom, go to bed early, and all kinds of other things! 🤯🤯🤯
I'm so happy to have found you and your work. You are an inspiration to so many. I'm currently going through one of the ugliest divorces in human history, and your teachings, backed with my own self care routine, and enforcement of boundaries have really helped me stay strong for my kids. Thank you.
Gaslighting can be that they have authority to judge you, talk down to you. They hold the Truth, you're wrong until you prove otherwise. Then they behave nice, so you question your judgements.
I was living with my 50-year-old daughter. I remember saying to her I wish I had become an astronaut because I’m so interested in space. She said “go ahead! Become an astronaut! No reason why you can’t do it now!“ I’m 75 years old. Not sure what type of gaslighting this is, but it made me feel stupid when she said it
That's pretty insidious. I'm sorry. I hope you have other children.
But, at 75, if you still enjoy astronomy, there's no reason you can't still get involved. I don't know what your health and mobility are like, but there are online groups and offline groups. You can write blogs or upload videos like this. It's not as daunting as you might think. As long as you find joy in it, go for it. You have nothing to prove.
Be well. 😊
My daughter, too. (Her father is a narcissist, whom I divorced when she was 2.) I tried everything to keep her in tact and whole, but her father’s repeated abandonment and neglect throughout her life really caused a lot of damage. He gaslit her, he dismissed her feelings, blamed me for his gross neglect (and as a child, she was desperate for his attention). She is struggling, at 40, with deciphering reality. She now manipulates others and gaslights…accepts no responsibility for her own toxic behaviors, lacks self reflection, all the things. And it’s getting worse. I’ve spent the last few years holding onto hope. This year…radical acceptance that she will not “grow out of this.” She manipulates her therapist.
I have had to grieve and mourn the loss of the kind of relationship I had always hoped to have with her. I was close with my mother, who died when I was 15.
I fought so hard for my daughter…for decades…and, still, I’ve lost her to the narcissistic influence in her life. It’s been absolutely heartbreaking to reach this point. I’ve removed all other narcs from my life. Now, for my own peace and well-being, I have to protect myself from my daughter.
Last year, I had a breast cancer scare (which is what my mother died from), and during that time, and since, she has only become more callous and condescending and rude and distant.
I’ve put myself through graduate school, post divorce, raise my two children to go after their dreams, and they are! And she treats me with utter disrespect. I’m done with that treatment. From anyone! I’m thankful my other child (son, 30) is not this way. But it just hurts to lose her to this so very much.
I understand. I really do. ❤️🩹
I am right there with you. My daughter does the same. I wanted so badly to have a close relationship with her -- but it's not happening. I had not thought about her father influencing with his narc personality -- so thank you. I'm currently living with her & it is not going well. I am planning on moving out SOON! I look forward to not having to put up with her silent treatment anymore!.
@@Nothingbutlovehere369 that's heart breaking. I'm so sorry 😞
it sounds dismissive. a bit like saying 'ok whatever'. could it be that she was just being abrupt or thoughtless? if something similar happens, you could ask her to expand on why she believes what she's saying. She'd have to think about what she's said then, plus you'd get a little more insight. You know her though, and there is tone, mannerisms etc
I'm so proud to have stood my ground & gave him a dose of his own medicine! I called out behaviors and dug into him like his contempt made me feel & which he had no idea I was aware of 😊 you give me the best information to navigate the madness of my mermans' ways & it's working. Making ME more confident and able to stand my ground.
There's a charge for disrespect. xoxo
Thank you for this video. I have to be reminded sometimes that my past abusive relationship was indeed with a narcissist. The last 12 minutes of this video, the top 10 reasons, my ex did almost every single one.
The more we teach ourselves the more we can heal and grow and become self aware!
Whew it takes so long building back your confidence. Mirror self talks dancing and just getting up and getting dressed pretty helped so much❤❤
Am doing movement therapy now...dance every morning
“Step up to the plate!” While they are yelling, crying, & emotionally not regulating their emotions.
I say, “I’m not responsible for regulating your emotions but I am here with you”.
My ex would constantly tell me I never accomplished the things I had and didnt believe I could go back to school and succeed. I stayed home with our baby but began baking and selling my stuff and eventually that lead to other opportunities where I was coordinating adoption events with the animal shelters in our county. He never bothered to even look at anything I created so forget showing up to support me lol. I left 8 months ago after all his emotional and verbal abuse he began getting physical and brought home a gun he thought was going to scare me. Hes a coward and that was it for me, I looked at our son and promised myself I'd get out of my depression and get us out from under his control. I packed what little necessary and comfort items we needed and left for a domestic violence shelter. The past 4 years I have been watching Dr. Ramani's videos and she has helped me see and realize what I was going through. I'm very grateful for her guidance ❤ It kept reminding me of who I am and helped me continue to push through and heal.
Dr.Ramani 2 yrs ago a beautiful lady confided in me how she was being treated by her narc.I gave her your videos,she stay too long and drop dead 3 weeks ago fm HBP.if ur anger is repressed cortisol levels overload ur body fm z abuse.the narc is business as usual.she abt 30yrs.quiet well spoken decent.I grieve her passing.ur body keeps the score of abuses.he kill her spirit mind and body but she refused to leave him.
If you reading this is your sign to follow ur dreams❤ RUN for the hills
2 of the most hideous comments from my ex narcissistic husband.
"Do you like yourself?"
and when I asked for support..
"Give me something to support and I'll support it "
These are only 2 of dozens of comments he made during what I now know was the discard phase.
Your work is SO HELPFUL
Dr.Ramani !🙏💖Thank you 🙏
He never said the actual words 'you can't do this' but always corrected me or took over or gave me instructions like a child so i eventually felt like i couldn't do anything right.
Thank you so much for all your videos, it has helped me understand my reactions and his behavior patterns so much better.
In the end of my relationship, one thing that stood out to me was that he was more concerned about how I might talk about him to my friends, than that he hurt me in various ways.
Realising someone never really cared for you is something difficult to accept. But these videos, their comment sections, people I have talked to and myself make me realise majority of people have commons sense. I just turned 20 and I am so grateful for the accessibility of this information.
Mom would always tell my brother and I we would not be good at whatever we did. My joy was to prove her wrong, but exhausting.
Both parents refused to come to my lousy 20 minute wedding 😢 very hurtful. My wonderful father in law gave me away ❤.
I eventually divorced myself from them, life became much better. Now both are passed on.
😢
That first part though...being told you are unable to do something over and over again, even (especially) after you've proved time and time again you're more than capable.
And then, when you actually do what you wanted to do, being overly praised for it. They are so proud of you, that was such an accomplishment FOR YOU.
...honestly, being praise for doing something very basic is more confidence wrecking than being told you can't do it in the first place.
I'm getting overly tired of having to fight to do basic stuff. Or having to hide what I do to avoid the fight.
Worst part is, I know I could have done something good with my life.
But forget about university, they were sure I wouldn't be able to take the bus in that "city you don't know !"
They just don't want us to be able to do what they can't do. And they can't do anything, apparently.
This is such a lifeline for so many of us whose light has been snuffed out from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse……it’s awful to be beaten down, realizing we (I) have spent the last 30 yrs of cooperating in my own oppression. I don’t know how to forgive myself for sublimating the many gifts God has given me.😢🥺😔
My dad's favorite gaslight was "You don't have any talent." Ugh, this was soooooo exhausting and frustrating. As a young boy I heard this constantly. I kept searching for my talent. I never knew so I spent a lot of my life "Giving Up" and "Not finishing anything". Now I'm sticking to what I decide to do and I'm not stopping. 😊
Dr Ramani WOW I tip my hat. You have our respect for helping people cope with these issues.
Currently experiencing this. I keep asking and thinking what did I do wrong?
They say you can do it all, and abruptly take it back, and back handed praise.
A nuance on this - sometimes they use patronising compliments to dent your confidence! My mother would always say after a social family event ' ooh you were soo relaxed today!' which would freak me out and made me so self-conscious. So utterly devious. How could I complain about a compliment?! Disgusting!!!!
Since I recognised what had happened in my life with the clarity, I also learned that only I , myself can rescue myself, it is never possible to be helped by others. I need to catch my hands to drag out, I need to listen to my pain more. So, I won’t ask others to help me since now. But I see your pain, your darkness, your struggle, all you are approaching here, finally. And I’m sure it has never been easy to come here as well. if you can see this truth this violence that has happened in your life with your own eyes , that means you have been bleeding a lot that I cannot imagine. Because that’s what I’ve been doing as well, So I hope you help yourself like I will rescue myself with my own strength. But I send my heart and love to you all. Feeling pain is sometimes like the light that can lighten up the darkness, Because it means we haven’t died yet that’s why we are bleeding. I have kept failing and failing to rescue myself in my whole lifetime since my childhood but this time I will try again. Because I know I’m still bleeding. And luckily I haven’t died yet I haven’t lost everything , I have kept something that means I feel pain here.
Growing up with an abusive , narcissistic ( even sadistic) mother, grandmother and siblings will definitely destroy your confidence ( they would tell me that I couldn't do anything, so dont even attempt it, for example, wanting to buy a sailboat. Just one of my dreams in my younger days). I clearly remember them mocking me, putting me down, violating my boundaries, being singled out to look and dress very unfeminine and unattractive, ( mother forcing me to cut my long hair off, not allowed to choose my own style of clothing, not allowed to wear makeup) not allowed to make friends nor form relationships with peers, and then made fun of for looking like some kind of freak, because my mother chose that for me. She and my grandparents also encouraged sibling bullying and tormenting, and never even tried to stop it.
My mother also discouraged me from wanting to learn to drive , telling me I wouldn't be able to pass the written test, and any attempts to try to learn at all she would scream and yell right in my face, just for the ugly fun of making it unpleasant and to discourage me from trying to handle a vehicle. I didn't learn to drive in until I got a job within walking distance, and my boyfriend encouraged me, that was when I was 32.
My biggest F*'#You to them was when I finally met a boyfriend, who would eventually become my husband, who had a lot of empathy for me, and I got pregnant with my first son, and moved out , because my mother's plan for me was to never get away from her control and abuse and not have a family and life of my own.But after the death of my toxic grandmother, her demeanor seemed to change. It was a massive blow to her and my toxic sibling egos and arrogant personality.
I'm only realizing in the past 10-15 years just how toxic, unhealthy and unsafe that "family" ( the maternal side) truly was. Thank God for the Internet and social media, and better understanding of emotional and psychological child abuse. Too bad I didn't know then ( back in my , childhood, teenage years and early twenties) what I know now .
I had a therapist once that was often clipping my wings. Guess what, I succeeded in all the things she said I shouldn't try because I would fail.
You know them all so well. It amazes me how you nail the description of their personality so well. It’s so enlightening listening to someone who hears our voices and cry for help. You get it. Thanks Dr. Ramani your work is needed for so many. Lots of people don’t get it and you don’t want to spew your past experiences cause you don’t want to seem derogatory or negative. Like the narc. So you just keep quiet and smile at life. 😊 you are appreciated 👍🏽😊
I wish I was told directly that I was incompetent.
Whenever I explained about something new I was doing or 'going for' my Dad would just run around the house slamming doors and sulk in his bedroom. I got the message - I don't believe in you.
I don’t wish on my worst enemy narrsissistic abuse , in so happy that I left and feel so much at peace with myself.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for your videos. My ex-husband would always tell me I couldn't survive without him. I showed him; in his country, in a culture and language not my own, without a cent from the divorce. Being free was more important
I received an email from my brothers second wife that just gaslight the hell out of me. So I told her it's all white noise, I don't care what she thinks and I'l say whatever I like to my own brother. Years of watching videos like this pay off. Any rubbish like that; I don't argue, i just shut it down. What is it the Royal family say.... "never complain, never explain" Thanks Dr. Ramani. Keep up the good work! 🙂
You describe my life living, day by day, with the narcissist that I was married to. I was tired of his mantra “you can’t, we can’t, I can’t, I’m not, you’re not, we’re not”!
Silent rebellion. Yes. I got free books from the library (pre-internet) and learned to draw in stolen moments (study halls) at work. A couoke of years after he left I went to Italy (Alone and I had never been out of the country) and learned to paint. Then I wrote a book about it. (not published yet, still need an agent - but one day!)
We don't *always* believe that they are wrong and the gaslighter is right. I managed to survive my mother's gaslighting for 15 years.
I realize that as I grew older, I developed answers to protect myself and to prove to myself that 1) I was capable and 2) I did not need my dad to recognize that I was capable. After a few years in therapy, every single time he would try to devalue what I was doing, I would say "I get that you would see it that way" and just keep doing what I was doing. He would get more and more furious until he shut up. Didn't even try anymore.
I just realized that not only does some of this sound like my dad and 2 ex boyfriends… but also a grandmother!