An Irishman is walking along the beach at sunset. He looks ahead and sees a piece of metal sticking out of the sand glimmering in the sunlight. He digs it up, and to his surprise it is a magic lamp. "No way," he says. So he rubs it and sure enough, out pops the Genie of the Lamp!! The Genie tells him, "I will grant you three wishes, any three wishes you want." The Irishman thinks long and hard about this. He doesn't want to waste a wish. So finally he says, "I want a tall cold glass of Guinness that never goes dry." The Genie says,, "Your wish is my command!" And poof a tall cold glass of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand. He says, "Wow, this is great!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "Unbelievable!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "This is amazing!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "I can't believe this!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. By now the Genie is getting a little impatient, "What do you want for your other two wishes?" The Irishman points to his glass and replies, "I want two more of these!"
Shamus said to Patrick- " When I die, I want ye to pour a qurt o the finest Irish whiskey O'er me grave" to which Patrick replied-" Do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys first ?"
An Irishman who was running late for giving away his daughter- Prays- Lord if you'd find it in your mercy to have a parking spot for me near the church- Ill give up drinkin, and just as he says it, a car backs out of a parking spot right near the front door. The irishman says- Nevermind Lord, I found one !
As an Irishman who lives in Ireland I have to tell you the story of a man from Dublin who decided he had spent too much time in the city and needed to explore the open countryside a bit more. He got into his car and after about thirty miles or so he came upon a very picturesque village and decided to have a walk about. To his surprise he saw a funeral hearse approach with a very grim faced man walking behind it with a big Irish wolfhound on a leash. And behind that he saw six men walking in a single file. The Dublin visitor approached the man with the wolfhound and asked who the deceased was. He replied "it's my wife" to which the visitor replied how she had died? The chief mourner answered that she had been mauled to death by the wolfhound. The visitor then asked if he could buy the wolfhound to which the chief mourner replied "join the queue"
A newly arrived inmate is confused on his first day in prison when he hears another inmate call out "Number 25!", which is then followed by laughter and chuckles from around the cellblock. A while later another inmate calls out, "Number 12!", again followed by laughter. This goes on throughout the day with various numbers being called out followed by snickers and guffaws. Finally he asks his cellmate, "What's with everyone laughing at numbers?" "They're jokes", says his roomie. "We assigned numbers to them so we don't have to recite them word for word. It's easier that way." Eventually the newcomer learns which numbers are for which jokes and then tries it out himself. "Number 32!", he yells out. No response. He makes another attempt, "Number 13!", followed again by silence. "What gives?" he asks the cellmate. "Oh well", he's told, "you know how it is, some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
Two unemployed Irishmen looking in the local Job Centre window - an ad. says - Tree fellers wanted - Paddy says to Mick - 'ah tis a shame there's only two of us'.
Paddy gets a job working for a lumberjack. On his first day, the foreman says to Paddy "when that tree begins to fall, shout TIMBER to warn anyone walking past. I don't want any accidents". The foreman gets out his chainsaw and starts cutting down the tree. The tree starts to fall and when it hits the ground, Paddy yells "TIMBER". The foreman looks down and sees dead bodies underneath the tree. The Foreman goes nuts "I thought I told you to shout timber when the tree was about to fall". Paddy points to the bodies and says " I thought you meant those TREE ".
The CEO's of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness were having their annual get together. They were sitting in the ancient and cavernous boardroom of the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. As they sat down at the old table made from ancient barrel staves a waiter appeared and asked them what they would like to drink. The CEO of Coors said: "I'll have a pint of Coors please... the world's most refreshing beer!" The CEO of Budweiser said: "I'll have a pint of Bud... the king of beers!" The CEO of Guinness: "I'll have a glass of water please." Astonished, the other two looked at him and asked why he was not going to have a pint of Guinness... and his reply was: "Well, if you two aren't going to drink beer then neither am I."
Reminds me of the lad who got locked inside the Budweiser factory over the bank holiday weekend. When they finally found the fella on Tuesday morning he was barely alive and drinking his piss out of his own shoe.
My favorite Irish Joke: Paddy walks into his Local on a Saturday afternoon, sits right up at the bar in his usual seat but, he's looking very sad this day. The barkeep says to him "Paddy, what seems to be the problem today, you're looking all forlorn and depressed.." Paddy says "I am just that and if you have a couple of minutes I'll tell you why." The barkeep says "For my most loyal of customers, I'm all ears." So Paddy looks out the back window of the pub and points to a boatdock out on the lake and says "Do ye see that boatdock? I built that dock with me own hands.. Cut down the trees with me favorite axe, planed the wood to a smooth finish, even made my own nails to hold it all together.." The bartender says "Aye Paddy, I've seen that boat dock in the worst storms we've had and it's strong as an ox.." and Paddy says "Aye, but, do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the dock builder?".. "No Paddy, I can't say that I have." and paddy points out through the window that overlooks the road and says.. "Do ye see that stone wall out there?? I built that wall with me own hands, dug up every stone, cut them with my chisel so they would hold in place, never used a drop of mortar." and the barkeep says "Aye Paddy, I saw a car run right into that wall winter last and it totaled the car but, didn't knock any stones out of place.. A fine wall it is." and Paddy says "Aye, but do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the Stone Mason.? and the bartender says "No Paddy, I can't say that I have.." and Paddy says "Ahh but, ye bugger one sheep.."
My father ,may the lord rest him drank a half bottle of whiskey every day for as long as I can remember ,when he died we had him cremated , it took 3 days to put the fire out .
I love that. One of my favourites is a tourist in Ireland asks a local for directions to somewhere. The local thinks about it for a moment and says "Well I wouldn't start from here".
A man in a Rolls Royce stops and asks a gypsy peddler -Is this the best way to #Dublin? Gyspy scratches his head, & says It's a darn sight better than walking to be sure ..
One fella walked into a pub, sat beside his drinking buddy and said " my wife is driving me to drink," his buddy said why are you complaining " I have to walk here.
English .Irish Scots man had to share a bed...bored ,they couldn't sleep..English guy suggests they play a game of soccer. Each fart would be a goal...English guy farts..that's a goal for England he shouts..scots man let's one go..goal for Scotland he shouts...Irish guy is trying his best, so hard he shits the bed. Half time he shouts...change over.
An Irish man walks into a pub. Orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. He drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round, drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round. The bartender says " Why you pouring the shot in your shirt pocket?" The Irish man says " Don't mess with me ! " A mouse pops out of his shirt pocket and says " That goes for your DAM CAT TOO ! "
Two old Irishmen Patrick and Michael were sitting on a park bench one day. Patrick looked at Michael and said, Michael, I don't how much longer I'm going to be around this beautiful earth and I was wondering if you would do me a bit of a favor. Michael said "I'd more than obliged to". Patrick said " When I pass away, I want you go and buy a goood bottle of Irish whiskey, and poor it over me grave. Would you do that for me ? Michael said " I'd be more than obliged, But would you mind if it passed through me kidneys first ? !!!!!!!!
Two irish lads, Mick and Paddy, applying for a job at the local church for undertakers. The priest interviews Mick first and asks him "do ye have a spade"?. "Right here father" replies Mick holding up his spade. "good"! says the priest and he asks him his second question "Mick if you're a man of God, you'll be able to tell me the first man and woman on earth". "that'd be Adam and Eve" replies Mick. "fantastic, Youve got the job"! says the priest. Mick leaves the room to call paddy in for his interview. A nervous Paddy asks Mick "what were the questions". " he asked who the first man and woman on earth were" says Mick. "I'll never remember that"! shouts Paddy. Mick tries to calm him down and says "I'll write it on the side of yer shovel". The preist calls Paddy in and asks him, "Do you know who the fist man and woman on earth were"? Paddy sneaks a quick look at the side of his spade before telling him... "that's easy.... Spear and Jackson!"
Like you, I grew up in an Irish family with roots in this country to 1850. My father was a Trollyman and later a bus driver in CT. To make a long story short, after working for 48 years he retired and in his retirement never heard from any of his Irish friends and work mates. Well, in 1967 he passed away. The wake was held at an Irish funeral home in Hartford CT. When we arrived it was valet parking only and we figured that a very important person must have died as well. We were shocked to see that all of these people were there for my father. One by one the filed by our family with words like, a finer man never lived, Edward was the salt of the Earth, Edward will be missed by so many etc. Well after about 10 minutes of these glowing praises, my mother leaned over and whispered to me, "Go and see if that's your father in that box."
My Irish Catholic father from Dublin was a teatotaler. It may sound like an oxymoron but he was one. I asked him before he died why he wouldn't drink despite the reputation of Irish Catholics being heavy drinkers. He and his brothers heard Matthew Talbot give his life testimony as an alcoholic in Dublin. Dad and his two brothers took a temperance pledges as young men and kept their promise not to touch alcohol until their dying days. Alcohol is the curse of the Irish. They can't hold their liquor. But then, who can?
Cop pulls an Irish man over , he asks, have you been drinking today, the Irish man answer's yes I had 12 whiskeys! The cop says would you take a breathalyzer? The Irish man says What you don't believe me !
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy asks “I haven’t seen Shawn lately, have you? Mike replies, “Shawn saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry’. So he went!”
Paddy and Seamus were walking down a country lane when Paddy spots two sticks of dynamite on the floor, he picks them up and puts them in his pocket, and he says to Seamus " I'll hand these into the police".. Seamus says " But what if one goes off".. Paddy says " Then I'll tell them I only found ONE stick"
Guy goes to confession. The priest says: "And what is your confession, my child?" The guy sputters out: "Father...uh. Father, I...I rode a girl from Cork.". The priest quips: "Well, my child, -'tis better than walking."
Paddy O' Tool, a worker at the Guinness Brewery knocks on the door of a coworker's (Shamus O' Brian) house. The coworker's wife answers the door. "Hello Paddy." "What are you doing here?" "Where's Shamus?" "I'm afraid there was an accident at the brewery today." "Shamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout Beer and drowned." "Oh Lord!" "That's terrible!" Said the wife. "Please tell me at least he went quickly." "Well, not exactly." "He had to get out 3 times to go pee."
Sean goes to confession and tells Fr O'Neill that he cursed on the golf course. Fr says 'tell me what happened'. Sean says "Me drive was heading into the woods', Ah said the priest, that's the time to curse. No,no said Sean. The ball hit a tree and bounced onto the fairway, a beautiful lie. "Tell me more' said the priest. My second shot, to the green dropped into the stream of water. Ah, said the priest. That's the time to curse, when your ball goes into the water. No,no said Sean "the ball bounced on a rock and flew up onto the green rolling and rolling then stopping just 6 inches from the hole Father. Six inches!! Priest said "don't tell me you missed the fooking putt"!
Guy goes into the pub, sits up at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there he sees a giant glass jar filled with cash. So he asks the bartender "Wow, is that your tip jar?" The bartender replies "oh no, thats the jar for the contest." "what contest is that" the man asks. "Its $20 to try but, whoever completes the 3 tasks gets to keep all the money in the jar." "Well what are the 3 tasks?" he asks. "Task 1 is, ...see that great big guy at the end of the bar, ...you have to go down there and knock him out with 1 punch. Task 2 is, ...we have this mean old Rottweiler out back with a bad tooth, you have to go out there and pull his tooth out. And Task 3 is, ...we have this 90 year old woman who lives up stairs, who hasnt been fIIcked in 20 years, and you have to go up there and give it to her real hard." So the man says "Ok, I'll give it a try" So he puts a $20 bill in the jar and walks down to the end of the bar and winds up and sucker punches the big guy right off the stool and out cold. Then he walks behind the bar and out the back door, and the bartender hears a snarling, vicious, horrifying, ruckus from outside and a few minutes later the guy walks in completely disheveled, shirt torn, bloodied and scratched up, and says "Alright so wheres this old lady that needs her tooth pulled?!"
I’ve heard one similar, thought this was it when first started reading it. It ends, with the bartender making high bets with all of em, dog not included, that he could get the guy to go through with the tasks.
Thanks to Mike loved that joke and to all you who had the jokes in the comment section I am now wiping my eyes from laughing so much. Thank you to you all you have made my day lol.
I remember my old dad, who was a true Irish man from Kerry, falling down the stairs with a whole crate of Guinness and never spilled a drop. He kept his mouth shut.
We Irish are considered the most liked/likeable people/nation on the Planet. Ireland is arguably the most beautiful geographical entity (country) on said Planet. - A Donegal Lad Abroad.
Agree 100%! My wife and I, neither of whom are a speck of Irish, went to Ireland for our 30th anniversary. By far the best trip abroad we've ever taken. Lovely people, breathtakingly beautiful, and, despite what we we told, great food! Looking forward to going back with friends soon.
I can’t rebuke that statement/opinion as I’ve never been to Ireland (I consider it a cruel mistake that I wasn’t born there). But I feel it is my duty to emphatically insist the most beautiful geographical “entity” must be the Great Pacific Northwest in Washington state.
An Irishman had an accident in a major city. He ran into the rear of the car in front of him. While he waited for the police, he decided to take a sip out of his flask. When the cops arrived they opened his car door and he fell right out onto the street. One officer looked at him and said, “Why are you driving in this condition?”. He responded with, “Well, I was too drunk to walk”.
Two Irishmen walking home from the pub on the railroad tracks. One says Paddy these are the longest stairs I've ever been on. Paddys says aye tis' that all right but it's these fookin' low handrails that's killing me.
The great comedian Brendan Grace would say before the end of the joke........"I'm laughing now, 'cause I know the end of the joke" R.I.P. Brendan, never used vulgar words in his shows.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Vincent's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Vincent's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
In an Irish grade school little Patty was asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Patty says: "While I was driving down the road with me Dah we came across a woman painting a fence. Me Dah turned to me and said 'its gonna take that cont-ages to paint that fence!' ".
An Irish man takes his giraffe to the pub, as soon as they get there the giraffe needs a little nap and lies down. The bartender comes over and asks “ what’s that layin there”? The Irish man says “ that’s not a lion, it’s me giraffe!”
An Irishman falls down the steps... as he is tumbling he remembers the pint in his back pocket... upon landing he feels a wetness in his hind area... as he reaches back he says, "I hope that is blood I feel"...
Paddy applies for a job in a warehouse and when he goes for the interview hes asked can you drive a forklift, paddy replies no i cant, hes then asked can you make Tea, paddy replies holy fuck how big are the tea bags.
Fan writes to Bob Dylan to ask to meet him backstage after the concert.Gets a curt reply,saying'no you can't'.Unimpressed fan comments'and he can't even spell'.
Mine is a bit risque. True story. My mother's father immigrated to America from Germany. My father's family was of english, irish, and scottish ancestry. One day, driving around and shopping, my wife was looking at a catalog called Cash's of Ireland. Knick-knacks, jewelry, assorted stuff that give tribute to Ireland. She is of purely german ancestry. She said, "I wish I had some irish in me." In my best irish accent, I replied, "Aye, lass, do you want some, then?" She punched me in the arm and I knew my work was done.
Visiting County Kerry seeking a long lost relative, an English couple, themselves now lost near Tralee, negotiate a lengthy driveway through three gates to a home on the hillside to ask directions. Lady answers door all smiles. "Would you know where Maurice O'Reilly lives, please?" "Oh no dear, I'm sorry I don't." So back down the driveway and while closing the last gate, look back to see the farmer's wife waving them back. So up to the house again where the Irish lady announces helpfully, "I've been asking my husband and he doesn't know either!"
Not what many would consider to be a "knee-slapper" simply because they just don't understand. Not their fault. But I understand. Your joke was very good, Mike, brought back some good memories of my Father, a Boston Police Officer and I had a good laugh too. And for that, I am grateful. Paul, Jamaica Plain.
An Irish man Mick,driving home from the pub late at night, well full, gets stopped by the cops (The Guards) The Guard says where are you off to now, he says I'm going to a lecture on the negative effects of drinking, smoking staying out late and not spending quality time with close family members can have on both the the family and the person in question. Oh right says the Guard, and who would be giving such a lecture at this hour of the night says he,, Me wife says Mick as he speeds away...
i being a half irishman, can laugh at myself half of the time, an i'm an ass the other half of the time, but mostly i'm nearly always half assed. God i love a good joke.
A woman sees a Kerry man SCUBA diver and asks him why they always jump out of the boat backwards? The Kerry man laughs hysterically and says "Christ if we jumped forwards we'd still be inside the boat".
I'll shorten this.... Paddy goes onto a jewellers and asks for a potato clock, jeweller says he has all sorts of clocks but never heard of a potato clock, what is it? he asks. Paddy says I'm not sure myself, I'm starting a new job Monday and yer man says I have to get a potato clock.
True story: My father was in Ireland some years ago, and went for a walk in the countryside. He walked into a village, and there was a shop/newsagents/pub. The pub was connected to the shop/newsagents by an internal doorway, also having an outside door as well. My father bought a newspaper, then went into the pub. The man who'd just served my father followed him into the pub, and it turned out he was both the pub landlord and the shop proprietor. My father asked him for a pint of beer. "I'm sorry sir, I can't serve you, the bar won't be open for an hour." he said. "That's ok", my father replied, taking a seat, "I'll just read the paper in the meantime." "Well, would you like a beer while you're waiting?" Got to love the logic behind that.
Been there and done that. He didn't take the money until it was legal time to sell it. At closing time they close the blinds and lock the doors, but everyone just keeps drinking and then goes out the back.
Same here. They had rooms above. Ended up in wee hrs w/ two 90-somethings, the owner & his retired parents who created the business. Treated me like I belonged. Wonderful evening! Then staggered... ahem, walked... to an upstairs room.
A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a bar. An fly lands in the beer of the Englishman and he pushes the beer aside and orders another. Another fly lands in the Scotsman beer, he pulls the fly out and keeps drinking. Another fly lands in the Irishmans beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, squeezes it and says, "spit it out you little bastard!
Pfft you nicked that from the film with Matt Damon. The Departed. 😂. Sigmund Freud did say something like that. But cmon you nicked it from the film. No harm done🍀😊
You're full of it, because Freud never said it. www.freud.org.uk/2019/04/30/10-quotes-wrongly-attributed-to-sigmund-freud/ I guess whoever you did nick it from, nicked it from the movie. Even more lame.
An English man walks into a bar in Dublin. He steps up to an old fella in the bar and says “which is the quickest way to Cork?” The old fella says, “have you got a car or are you on foot?” Englishman says, “I’ve got a car”. They old Irishman says, “well that will be the quickest way”.
I’ve a joke- that is obviously fiction but smacks with a grain of truth- told to me by my Irish father-in-law... an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a local together (right off that’s how you know it’s fictitious) and each order a pint at the exact same time. The publican delivers the three malt beverages at the exact same time, setting them each in front of the three men. At the exact time they are set down, an insect flies into each drink. The Englishman turns his nose in the air and pushes the beer away, demanding of the Barman a new beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out, tosses it away, and drinks the beer anyway. The Irishman pinches the insect out and shouts at the bug, “Spit it out, that’s my beer!”
Now, see the version I know, is the Irishman looks at the beer, Shrugs, and starts drinking anyway. The Scotsman pulls the insect out by the wings, gets right in its face and starts swearing it it to spit it out. 🤣
An old Irishman walks into a Irish pub in New York City and sits next to another old Irishman. he says "Barkeep, a shot of Jamison's". Hearing this the other old man says "judging by your accent are you from Ireland?" "Yes I am" He says "Well so am I, may I join you in a drink", "sure" he says, "Barkeep 2 shots of Jamison's". They hold the glass in the air. "Here's to the Emerald isle". And they both shot the shots back' " Where were you born in Ireland?" one says, "well I am from Dublin", "You are from Dublin?" other says, "I'm from Dublin, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air "here's to Dublin". And they shot the shots back. "Where did you go to school?" one says "Well I went to the fine St Mary's". "Your joking!" the other says "I went to St Mary's, this is unbelievable, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air and they both shot the shots back. "May I be so bold as to ask when you were born? one says. "Well I was born on a spring day in April 1942. the other says. "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" the other shouts "I was born in April 1942! I cant believe my luck meeting you, Barkeep! 2 more shots and leave the bottle. Meanwhile another man at the end of the bar has been listening to this and ask the bartender "what going on with those two?", the Bartender replies "Oh that just the O'Brian twins, there drunk again".
Man walks into a bar and lays 500 on the table and says 'I bet the 500 that no-one in here can drink ten pints straight down one after the other', and Irishman says 'I will take that bet but need 10 minutes before I do'. The Irishman walks out the pub and comes back after 10 minutes, goes to the ten beers and drinks them all down and picks up the 500. The man says 'you won that fair and square, but where did you go for the 10 minutes', the Irishman said 'to the Pub across the road, I wanted to make sure I could do it'.
@@augustinehourigan7453 I'm Scottish..in England, take every sarcastic comment thrown at me and give back as good as I get..it's the only thing left that they haven't taken from us and I won't let them..Scottish, English, Irish and Welsh..we've always taken the pish out of each other..when they take that away I'm moving to Australia 🤪
It IS funny sir-thank you. The wife and I just got back from Ireland. We love it, very nice, and down to earth people. We even made it up to Belfast to see the Titanic Exhibition. Thanks again.
A couple years ago I saw my cousin for the first time in several years. Unfortunately we were at the hospital due to her father’s health. Anyway she was sitting there with a blanket and she smiled really big and pulled the folded blanket back to show me her her 8 and a half month pregnant tummy. I immediately asked if it was hers and she laughed so much her hubby thought she might just go into labor and have the baby right then and there!
Knock at the door one evening. The wife answers it. "Mrs. Murphy. Paddy fell into one of the vats down at the brewery...and he's drowned!" She says, "Oh, saints be. I'll be betting he suffered something terrible, eh? The gent says, " Well, no missus, I wouldn't exactly say he suffered. He got out twice to go to the bathroom."
Guinness had a meeting of its labor union members to consider topics for a New Contract. One of the suggestions from the Safety Committee was that management should put up a net around the top of the vats, to prevent any of the men from falling in. The other members chased him from the room, as they considered it not a hazard but a Fringe Benefit.
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb??? Only 2 I’d them! One to actually change the bulb and the other to write a song about just how good the old one was :-)
I,ll never forget this old irish bloke i knew who once said that he went to a disco one evening and said to the bloke on the door if you let me in free i,ll get u a pint so the doorman said ok go for it he said the pint was £4.50 but it was only £2 to charity to get into the disco....and thats a true story.
Paddy and Mick are in this bar see, and there's mirrors around the walls. After a few hours of Guinness, Paddy says, 'hey Mick, there's two blokes over there that's the spittin' image o' you 'n me, lets go over and have a yarn wid 'em'.......Mick looks up and says, 'nah, siddown Paddy, dere comin' over 'ere.'
I've heard that joke before. It was told differently. Much shorter. And the two brothers were in the service still, he got out and promised his war buddies he would have two drinks for them till they got home. You know the rest! 😁👍
Still Think You're Having A Bad Day? Article from the Miami Herald, June 1998 A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife worked in the kitchen. He was gunning the engine when the bike somehow lurched forward with the man still holding on. The bike crashed through the glass patio doors and ran into a wall, leaving the man cut and bruised on the living room floor. The man's wife called for an ambulance and then, since they lived on a fairly steep hill, went down several flights of stairs to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the woman up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, the wife cleaned it up with paper towels, which she then threw in the toilet. The man was treated and released from the hospital. When he arrived home and saw the broken patio doors and damaged motorcycle, he became despondent and went into the bathroom and sat on the john to think for a while. He then lit a cigarette and tossed the match down between his legs into the toilet bowl. Yep, you guessed it. The wife heard the explosion and her husband screaming and ran in to find him lying face down with burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin. The paramedics loaded the man and started back down the stairs while the wife tried to explain what had happened. The paramedics got to laughing so hard that the one walking backwards lost his footing. The gurney tilted and the patient slid off and rolled the rest of the way down the stairs breaking his arm! Now, has your day really been all that bad?
Ireland Declared War on France Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
An Irishman is walking along the beach at sunset. He looks ahead and sees a piece of metal sticking out of the sand glimmering in the sunlight. He digs it up, and to his surprise it is a magic lamp. "No way," he says. So he rubs it and sure enough, out pops the Genie of the Lamp!!
The Genie tells him, "I will grant you three wishes, any three wishes you want."
The Irishman thinks long and hard about this. He doesn't want to waste a wish. So finally he says, "I want a tall cold glass of Guinness that never goes dry." The Genie says,, "Your wish is my command!" And poof a tall cold glass of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand.
He says, "Wow, this is great!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
"Unbelievable!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
"This is amazing!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
"I can't believe this!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
By now the Genie is getting a little impatient, "What do you want for your other two wishes?"
The Irishman points to his glass and replies, "I want two more of these!"
Shamus said to Patrick- " When I die, I want ye to pour a qurt o the finest Irish whiskey O'er me grave" to which Patrick replied-" Do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys first ?"
boom.
I don't drink any more. But I don't drink any less.
for got the,,,Anser,, Question. 😎😎😎😎😎. really. 😁😊@@franksnyder1357
I can't stop laughing... Hahahaha 🤣😂🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
An Irishman who was running late for giving away his daughter- Prays- Lord if you'd find it in your mercy to have a parking spot for me near the church- Ill give up drinkin, and just as he says it, a car backs out of a parking spot right near the front door. The irishman says- Nevermind Lord, I found one !
Lmaoooooo I bursted in tears!!! Good one!!!
Lol!
That happened to me once myself
U
that was great! and evidence that drinking and praying might not be mixed
As an Irishman who lives in Ireland I have to tell you the story of a man from Dublin who decided he had spent too much time in the city and needed to explore the open countryside a bit more. He got into his car and after about thirty miles or so he came upon a very picturesque village and decided to have a walk about. To his surprise he saw a funeral hearse approach with a very grim faced man walking behind it with a big Irish wolfhound on a leash. And behind that he saw six men walking in a single file. The Dublin visitor approached the man with the wolfhound and asked who the deceased was. He replied "it's my wife" to which the visitor replied how she had died? The chief mourner answered that she had been mauled to death by the wolfhound. The visitor then asked if he could buy the wolfhound to which the chief mourner replied "join the queue"
Hey, some of my relatives are Irish women... but I reside in another country.
Old David Allen Joke, is all ..
A newly arrived inmate is confused on his first day in prison when he hears another inmate call out "Number 25!", which is then followed by laughter and chuckles from around the cellblock. A while later another inmate calls out, "Number 12!", again followed by laughter. This goes on throughout the day with various numbers being called out followed by snickers and guffaws. Finally he asks his cellmate, "What's with everyone laughing at numbers?"
"They're jokes", says his roomie. "We assigned numbers to them so we don't have to recite them word for word. It's easier that way."
Eventually the newcomer learns which numbers are for which jokes and then tries it out himself.
"Number 32!", he yells out.
No response.
He makes another attempt, "Number 13!", followed again by silence. "What gives?" he asks the cellmate.
"Oh well", he's told, "you know how it is, some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
Two unemployed Irishmen looking in the local Job Centre window - an ad. says - Tree fellers wanted - Paddy says to Mick - 'ah tis a shame there's only two of us'.
How to confuse an Irishman (I'm Irish BTW) put three shovels in a corner, tell him to take his pick.
Paddy gets a job working for a lumberjack. On his first day, the foreman says to Paddy "when that tree begins to fall, shout TIMBER to warn anyone walking past. I don't want any accidents". The foreman gets out his chainsaw and starts cutting down the tree. The tree starts to fall and when it hits the ground, Paddy yells "TIMBER". The foreman looks down and sees dead bodies underneath the tree. The Foreman goes nuts "I thought I told you to shout timber when the tree was about to fall". Paddy points to the bodies and says " I thought you meant those TREE ".
The CEO's of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness were having their annual get together. They were sitting in the ancient and cavernous boardroom of the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. As they sat down at the old table made from ancient barrel staves a waiter appeared and asked them what they would like to drink.
The CEO of Coors said: "I'll have a pint of Coors please... the world's most refreshing beer!"
The CEO of Budweiser said: "I'll have a pint of Bud... the king of beers!"
The CEO of Guinness: "I'll have a glass of water please."
Astonished, the other two looked at him and asked why he was not going to have a pint of Guinness... and his reply was:
"Well, if you two aren't going to drink beer then neither am I."
Damn, I'm busting a gut here
Very well said.
I like it
Reminds me of the lad who got locked inside the Budweiser factory over the bank holiday weekend. When they finally found the fella on Tuesday morning he was barely alive and drinking his piss out of his own shoe.
I’ll never forget my fathers last words, he said “son will you stop messing around and hold that ladder steady”.
I remember my grandfather's last words on his deathbed. He said :That's NOT the light switch.".
My fathers last words were " be careful son, that gun is loaded".
Ah yes, I remember my Grandfather's last words... We were walking in town one day and he stopped quickly and said "A bus!"
My father's were: Mary, put down the knife...
You’re all crazy. 🤣🤣🤣
My favorite Irish Joke:
Paddy walks into his Local on a Saturday afternoon, sits right up at the bar in his usual seat but, he's looking very sad this day. The barkeep says to him "Paddy, what seems to be the problem today, you're looking all forlorn and depressed.."
Paddy says "I am just that and if you have a couple of minutes I'll tell you why."
The barkeep says "For my most loyal of customers, I'm all ears."
So Paddy looks out the back window of the pub and points to a boatdock out on the lake and says "Do ye see that boatdock? I built that dock with me own hands.. Cut down the trees with me favorite axe, planed the wood to a smooth finish, even made my own nails to hold it all together.."
The bartender says "Aye Paddy, I've seen that boat dock in the worst storms we've had and it's strong as an ox.." and Paddy says "Aye, but, do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the dock builder?".. "No Paddy, I can't say that I have." and paddy points out through the window that overlooks the road and says.. "Do ye see that stone wall out there?? I built that wall with me own hands, dug up every stone, cut them with my chisel so they would hold in place, never used a drop of mortar." and the barkeep says "Aye Paddy, I saw a car run right into that wall winter last and it totaled the car but, didn't knock any stones out of place.. A fine wall it is." and Paddy says "Aye, but do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the Stone Mason.? and the bartender says "No Paddy, I can't say that I have.." and Paddy says "Ahh but, ye bugger one sheep.."
That is funny
First good joke.
It’s the way you tell them.
That's a Welsh Joke.
My father ,may the lord rest him drank a half bottle of whiskey every day for as long as I can remember ,when he died we had him cremated , it took 3 days to put the fire out .
oh shit thats funny
😂😂😂
That's hilarious. I have all Dave Allen at large shows
ROFLMAO!!!!! I may not be able to wipe the grin off my face for 3 days!!!! Wow! Excellent!
Too funny , nothing like a good irish joke.
I met my wife when she was a whiskey maker in Dublin. I love her still.
Ouch. Just ouch
We love 'er still too!
I bet that’s because she’s still giving you the good whiskey!
Mine was a real estate developer - I loved her lots.
@@moreygloss9248 mine was a racecar driver and she did give some good laps...
I love that. One of my favourites is a tourist in Ireland asks a local for directions to somewhere. The local thinks about it for a moment and says "Well I wouldn't start from here".
A man in a Rolls Royce stops and asks a gypsy peddler -Is this the best way to #Dublin?
Gyspy scratches his head, & says
It's a darn sight better than walking to be sure ..
One fella walked into a pub, sat beside his drinking buddy and said " my wife is driving me to drink," his buddy said why are you complaining " I have to walk here.
English .Irish Scots man had to share a bed...bored ,they couldn't sleep..English guy suggests they play a game of soccer. Each fart would be a goal...English guy farts..that's a goal for England he shouts..scots man let's one go..goal for Scotland he shouts...Irish guy is trying his best, so hard he shits the bed. Half time he shouts...change over.
Lolol
@@theeaskey lmao
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
An Irish man walks into a pub. Orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. He drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round, drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round. The bartender says " Why you pouring the shot in your shirt pocket?" The Irish man says " Don't mess with me ! " A mouse pops out of his shirt pocket and says " That goes for your DAM CAT TOO ! "
Two old Irishmen Patrick and Michael were sitting on a park bench one day. Patrick looked at Michael and said, Michael, I don't how much longer I'm going to be around this beautiful earth and I was wondering if you would do me a bit of a favor. Michael said "I'd more than obliged to". Patrick said " When I pass away, I want you go and buy a goood bottle of Irish whiskey, and poor it over me grave. Would you do that for me ? Michael said " I'd be more than obliged, But would you mind if it passed through me kidneys first ? !!!!!!!!
Irish fella in the pub, his mobile phone rang, he answered it and said "How did you know i was here"?
!
Two irish lads, Mick and Paddy, applying for a job at the local church for undertakers. The priest interviews Mick first and asks him "do ye have a spade"?. "Right here father" replies Mick holding up his spade. "good"! says the priest and he asks him his second question "Mick if you're a man of God, you'll be able to tell me the first man and woman on earth". "that'd be Adam and Eve" replies Mick. "fantastic, Youve got the job"! says the priest. Mick leaves the room to call paddy in for his interview. A nervous Paddy asks Mick "what were the questions". " he asked who the first man and woman on earth were" says Mick. "I'll never remember that"! shouts Paddy. Mick tries to calm him down and says "I'll write it on the side of yer shovel". The preist calls Paddy in and asks him, "Do you know who the fist man and woman on earth were"? Paddy sneaks a quick look at the side of his spade before telling him... "that's easy.... Spear and Jackson!"
Like you, I grew up in an Irish family with roots in this country to 1850. My father was a Trollyman and later a bus driver in CT.
To make a long story short, after working for 48 years he retired and in his retirement never heard from any of his Irish friends and work mates. Well, in 1967 he passed away. The wake was held at an Irish funeral home in Hartford CT. When we arrived it was valet parking only and we figured that a very important person must have died as well. We were shocked to see that all of these people were there for my father. One by one the filed by our family with words like, a finer man never lived, Edward was the salt of the Earth, Edward will be missed by so many etc. Well after about 10 minutes of these glowing praises, my mother leaned over and whispered to me, "Go and see if that's your father in that box."
Bob Fitzgibbon ,You Irish Are Really ,Really Funny ,Who The Hell Is In That Pine Box ???
gas
Good one.
An Irishman, an Italian and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Is this a joke?”
A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walked into a bar. I might be a typo said the Rabbit.
@@mezzeta haha. That's great
Three men walked into a bar. You'd have thought the second two would have ducked
@@fuddrucker74 It would be funnier if they waked into a blood-bank... "Type-O" ;-)
"Pubs, the official sunblock in Ireland!"
I was once covered in SBC 400. She damn near smothered me.
Best joke I've heard in some years, brought a tear to the eyes. Well done Sir!
I love the Irish. They have such a talent for self depreciating humour. Long may it continue.
(Deprecating)
Sorry I can’t help it
But wonderful that you even know how to use it properly ohhh yesss !
It’s becoming rare, Anthony
Right on
My Irish Catholic father from Dublin was a teatotaler. It may sound like an oxymoron but he was one. I asked him before he died why he wouldn't drink despite the reputation of Irish Catholics being heavy drinkers. He and his brothers heard Matthew Talbot give his life testimony as an alcoholic in Dublin. Dad and his two brothers took a temperance pledges as young men and kept their promise not to touch alcohol until their dying days. Alcohol is the curse of the Irish. They can't hold their liquor. But then, who can?
Cop pulls over Irish driver and asks him Can he identifie himself, the driver looks in his mirror and says yes officer that's definitely me
☺️🤗🤗😆😆😚😚😁
🤣
😅😂🤣
haahhaahha. That's funny!
That's hilarious, Americans say "idennify" and you write "identifie".
Not identify.
Cop pulls an Irish man over , he asks, have you been drinking today, the Irish man answer's yes I had 12 whiskeys! The cop says would you take a breathalyzer?
The Irish man says
What you don't believe me !
Now that's a good one!
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy asks “I haven’t seen Shawn lately, have you? Mike replies, “Shawn saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry’. So he went!”
So he went!”
@@richardcooke9364 i dont understand the joke, i think it is wet fish van
fargin" hilarious!
Brendan Behan actually said that.
Lmao rotf
Paddy and Seamus were walking down a country lane when Paddy spots two sticks of dynamite on the floor, he picks them up and puts them in his pocket, and he says to Seamus " I'll hand these into the police".. Seamus says " But what if one goes off".. Paddy says " Then I'll tell them I only found ONE stick"
Guy goes to confession. The priest says: "And what is your confession, my child?" The guy sputters out: "Father...uh. Father, I...I rode a girl from Cork.". The priest quips: "Well, my child, -'tis better than walking."
An Irish man walked out of a bar, no seriously, it can happen
Yes it can ....they walk in an crawl out
Lmao
Was he still breathing? I thought maybe that was why he’d left. (wink, nudge)
I prefer the version “ An Irishman walked past a bar”.
Message from an Irishman ; Fuck off, you racist prick.
Got pulled over, cop asks "you drinking". I asked "you buying?" We laughed and laughed....I need bail money.
Paddy O' Tool, a worker at the Guinness Brewery knocks on the door of a coworker's (Shamus O' Brian) house. The coworker's wife answers the door.
"Hello Paddy." "What are you doing here?" "Where's Shamus?"
"I'm afraid there was an accident at the brewery today." "Shamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout Beer and drowned."
"Oh Lord!" "That's terrible!" Said the wife. "Please tell me at least he went quickly."
"Well, not exactly." "He had to get out 3 times to go pee."
Hahahehe haha brilliant now that's a type of joke I remember...🤗☺️☺️😉
Ha!
Sean goes to confession and tells Fr O'Neill that he cursed on the golf course. Fr says 'tell me what happened'. Sean says "Me drive was heading into the woods', Ah said the priest, that's the time to curse. No,no said Sean. The ball hit a tree and bounced onto the fairway, a beautiful lie. "Tell me more' said the priest. My second shot, to the green dropped into the stream of water. Ah, said the priest. That's the time to curse, when your ball goes into the water. No,no said Sean "the ball bounced on a rock and flew up onto the green rolling and rolling then stopping just 6 inches from the hole Father. Six inches!! Priest said "don't tell me you missed the fooking putt"!
Guy goes into the pub, sits up at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there he sees a giant glass jar filled with cash. So he asks the bartender "Wow, is that your tip jar?" The bartender replies "oh no, thats the jar for the contest." "what contest is that" the man asks. "Its $20 to try but, whoever completes the 3 tasks gets to keep all the money in the jar." "Well what are the 3 tasks?" he asks. "Task 1 is, ...see that great big guy at the end of the bar, ...you have to go down there and knock him out with 1 punch. Task 2 is, ...we have this mean old Rottweiler out back with a bad tooth, you have to go out there and pull his tooth out. And Task 3 is, ...we have this 90 year old woman who lives up stairs, who hasnt been fIIcked in 20 years, and you have to go up there and give it to her real hard."
So the man says "Ok, I'll give it a try" So he puts a $20 bill in the jar and walks down to the end of the bar and winds up and sucker punches the big guy right off the stool and out cold. Then he walks behind the bar and out the back door, and the bartender hears a snarling, vicious, horrifying, ruckus from outside and a few minutes later the guy walks in completely disheveled, shirt torn, bloodied and scratched up, and says "Alright so wheres this old lady that needs her tooth pulled?!"
Nice. 👌👌
Well spoken!
.
I hope he pulled out in time...
I’ve heard one similar, thought this was it when first started reading it. It ends, with the bartender making high bets with all of em, dog not included, that he could get the guy to go through with the tasks.
Thanks to Mike loved that joke and to all you who had the jokes in the comment section I am now wiping my eyes from laughing so much. Thank you to you all you have made my day lol.
I remember my old dad, who was a true Irish man from Kerry, falling down the stairs with a whole crate of Guinness and never spilled a drop. He kept his mouth shut.
ñ
That’s a true Irishman right there, falling down with Guinness and not spilling a drop. 👍
AJ Smith the joke is he had drank it
At least I got one funny joke outta this clip.
Hahaha hahaha
Why do Irish wakes last for four days? They want to make sure he's dead and not just drunk
Cheers
We Irish are considered the most liked/likeable people/nation on the Planet. Ireland is arguably the most beautiful geographical entity (country) on said Planet. - A Donegal Lad Abroad.
Agree 100%! My wife and I, neither of whom are a speck of Irish, went to Ireland for our 30th anniversary. By far the best trip abroad we've ever taken. Lovely people, breathtakingly beautiful, and, despite what we we told, great food! Looking forward to going back with friends soon.
I Take it you never been to Scotland Laddie. and grated you are a grand rce with a beautiful land but as a Jock i biastly say this ach aye Paddy.
@@leftchicago yeah that's a myth about Irish food being shite..its actually very good
@@celtbell Didn't have a bad meal the whole 10 days. Actually had some exceptional ones.
I can’t rebuke that statement/opinion as I’ve never been to Ireland (I consider it a cruel mistake that I wasn’t born there). But I feel it is my duty to emphatically insist the most beautiful geographical “entity” must be the Great Pacific Northwest in Washington state.
An Irishman had an accident in a major city. He ran into the rear of the car in front of him. While he waited for the police, he decided to take a sip out of his flask. When the cops arrived they opened his car door and he fell right out onto the street.
One officer looked at him and said, “Why are you driving in this condition?”. He responded with, “Well, I was too drunk to walk”.
Two Irishmen walking home from the pub on the railroad tracks. One says Paddy these are the longest stairs I've ever been on. Paddys says aye tis' that all right but it's these fookin' low handrails that's killing me.
James Hazen
Thats 👍
...The other says : worry not , I can hear the elevator is commin' .
fbouts@ruraltel.net
bwahahahaha thats gold!
The great comedian Brendan Grace would say before the end of the joke........"I'm laughing now, 'cause I know the end of the joke"
R.I.P. Brendan, never used vulgar words in his shows.
Mayor, uncle Larry Joyce was always good for an Irish joke. You brought tears to my eyes.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Vincent's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Vincent's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Pat Ryan g
Pat Ryan ok, that was funny! Made my day! Thanks
should have been nothing much that fellers been talking to himself in the mirror
Ha Pat ! That one made my day! 😂😂
tis a funny joke, ive seen the comedian you took that from aswel, he is quiet funny.
In an Irish grade school little Patty was asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Patty says: "While I was driving down the road with me Dah we came across a woman painting a fence. Me Dah turned to me and said 'its gonna take that cont-ages to paint that fence!' ".
Teacher " give me an example of fascinate."
I have a donkey jacket
I really think it's great.
It's got nine buttons
But I can only fascinate.
Lmfao.
Simon Powell o
Simon Powell g
Never heard of anybody called "Patty" in Ireland. Probably an americanism !!!!
When I die,I want to go like me
Grand da.In me sleep
Not the other people in his car cryin' and screaming for their lives.
That's good! That's very good
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
There’s one less drunk at the funeral.
What is Irish foreplay?
"Brace yerself Bridget"!
Formaldehyde is almost pure alcohol....
Localcrew Man, Now that's fucking funny! You should be making the Video!😂😂😂
🤣
An Irish man takes his giraffe to the pub, as soon as they get there the giraffe needs a little nap and lies down. The bartender comes over and asks “ what’s that layin there”? The Irish man says “ that’s not a lion, it’s me giraffe!”
Thank you for the laughs; in this time of trouble, they are sorely needed, and much appreciated.
An Irishman falls down the steps... as he is tumbling he remembers the pint in his back pocket... upon landing he feels a wetness in his hind area... as he reaches back he says, "I hope that is blood I feel"...
Paddy applies for a job in a warehouse and when he goes for the interview hes asked can you drive a forklift, paddy replies no i cant, hes then asked can you make Tea, paddy replies holy fuck how big are the tea bags.
😂
Fan writes to Bob Dylan to ask to meet him backstage after the concert.Gets a curt reply,saying'no you can't'.Unimpressed fan comments'and he can't even spell'.
Mine is a bit risque. True story. My mother's father immigrated to America from Germany. My father's family was of english, irish, and scottish ancestry. One day, driving around and shopping, my wife was looking at a catalog called Cash's of Ireland. Knick-knacks, jewelry, assorted stuff that give tribute to Ireland. She is of purely german ancestry.
She said, "I wish I had some irish in me."
In my best irish accent, I replied, "Aye, lass, do you want some, then?"
She punched me in the arm and I knew my work was done.
Visiting County Kerry seeking a long lost relative, an English couple, themselves now lost near Tralee, negotiate a lengthy driveway through three gates to a home on the hillside to ask directions. Lady answers door all smiles. "Would you know where Maurice O'Reilly lives, please?" "Oh no dear, I'm sorry I don't." So back down the driveway and while closing the last gate, look back to see the farmer's wife waving them back. So up to the house again where the Irish lady announces helpfully, "I've been asking my husband and he doesn't know either!"
Englishman, "why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?"
Irishman, "who told you that?"
"Why shouldn't we!"
@@profpat70 🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
Try using that sentiment in a courtroom setting....you may have great success; could it be?
@@candid1954 what do you mean by that ?
Not what many would consider to be a "knee-slapper" simply because they just don't understand. Not their fault. But I understand. Your joke was very good, Mike, brought back some good memories of my Father, a Boston Police Officer and I had a good laugh too. And for that, I am grateful. Paul, Jamaica Plain.
An Irish man Mick,driving home from the pub late at night, well full, gets stopped by the cops (The Guards) The Guard says where are you off to now, he says I'm going to a lecture on the negative effects of drinking, smoking staying out late and not spending quality time with close family members can have on both the the family and the person in question. Oh right says the Guard, and who would be giving such a lecture at this hour of the night says he,, Me wife says Mick as he speeds away...
i being a half irishman, can laugh at myself half of the time, an i'm an ass the other half of the time, but mostly i'm nearly always half assed. God i love a good joke.
My father was a wit, and I'm a half-wit.
The best Irish jokes I ever heard were told by Irish people about themselves. Gotta love the Irish :)
Just Fantastic 🤗..
He. Did. Not. De
@@jackbrooks4668 ?!?..
Why are Kerry men not allowed hand grenades in the army?
Whenever they throw them, the enemy would pull the pin and throw them back.
A woman sees a Kerry man SCUBA diver and asks him why they always jump out of the boat backwards?
The Kerry man laughs hysterically and says "Christ if we jumped forwards we'd still be inside the boat".
That's the funniest joke I've heard in a long, long time. Thank you for sharing it!
No good joke ever started with... "Two guys are at a salad bar"..
Two guys are at a salad bar, the first man turns to the second and says " Not a hope in hell will you get drunk here. My glass has a leak in it"
Haha dudes! 🤣😂
@@johnbroadley2064 Don't quit your day job.
...eating sushi
What do you call two lesbians hiding in Salad bar storage cabinet?...
... a Liquor (licker) Cabinet
I'll shorten this....
Paddy goes onto a jewellers and asks for a potato clock, jeweller says he has all sorts of clocks but never heard of a potato clock, what is it? he asks.
Paddy says I'm not sure myself, I'm starting a new job Monday and yer man says I have to get a potato clock.
flipper I know I’m slow but I don’t get it, could you help?
@@robertcarey8237 Say it quickly.....I have to get up at 8 o clock. (yer man being the boss)
Took me a second also....don’t worry though...I’ll definitely be using it. Thank you....
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
Two ducks are crossing a street in Dublin. One says to the other, “Quack quack!!” The other one says, “But I’m going as quack as I can!!”
duck dinner for 2.
Change Dublin to Belfast, they say it more like quack than the Dubs,,, better joke
Four and a half minutes of my life I won't get back.
True story: My father was in Ireland some years ago, and went for a walk in the countryside. He walked into a village, and there was a shop/newsagents/pub. The pub was connected to the shop/newsagents by an internal doorway, also having an outside door as well. My father bought a newspaper, then went into the pub. The man who'd just served my father followed him into the pub, and it turned out he was both the pub landlord and the shop proprietor. My father asked him for a pint of beer.
"I'm sorry sir, I can't serve you, the bar won't be open for an hour." he said.
"That's ok", my father replied, taking a seat, "I'll just read the paper in the meantime."
"Well, would you like a beer while you're waiting?"
Got to love the logic behind that.
Been there and done that. He didn't take the money until it was legal time to sell it. At closing time they close the blinds and lock the doors, but everyone just keeps drinking and then goes out the back.
@@brihm3869 Proper lock-in...
Same here. They had rooms above. Ended up in wee hrs w/ two 90-somethings, the owner & his retired parents who created the business. Treated me like I belonged. Wonderful evening! Then staggered... ahem, walked... to an upstairs room.
A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a bar. An fly lands in the beer of the Englishman and he pushes the beer aside and orders another. Another fly lands in the Scotsman beer, he pulls the fly out and keeps drinking. Another fly lands in the Irishmans beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, squeezes it and says, "spit it out you little bastard!
👍☑💯😂
Favorite one so far
LOL!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve seen game of thrones kid nice try
Chris Edward game of thrones joke
Just what I needed. A good laugh.
In America you can always tell when you are in an Irish Pub, the stools all have safety belts on them.
Freud said of the Irish 'This [The Irish] is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. '
Mostly because we can see thru the bullshit.
Pfft you nicked that from the film with Matt Damon. The Departed. 😂. Sigmund Freud did say something like that. But cmon you nicked it from the film. No harm done🍀😊
Spanish Silver i didnt nick it from a film. Some of us dont rely on films for our education 😂
@@toomuch9762 You'd need a tv for that.
You're full of it, because Freud never said it. www.freud.org.uk/2019/04/30/10-quotes-wrongly-attributed-to-sigmund-freud/ I guess whoever you did nick it from, nicked it from the movie. Even more lame.
An English man walks into a bar in Dublin. He steps up to an old fella in the bar and says “which is the quickest way to Cork?”
The old fella says, “have you got a car or are you on foot?”
Englishman says, “I’ve got a car”.
They old Irishman says, “well that will be the quickest way”.
Brilliant 🤗😃🤗🤗🤗
Or the other very Irish reply 'How do I get to Cork? Well, ya know . I'd not start from here'.
@@51WCDodge 👏quality!
Haha :)
A person looking for directions asked a another person. How do you get to Galway from here. The other person replyed usually by Bus.
Now that was worth the wait for sure. Thank you
Yes that’s a good one and I love how he tells it. Being of Irish descent I happen to know a few myself.
I’ve a joke- that is obviously fiction but smacks with a grain of truth- told to me by my Irish father-in-law... an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a local together (right off that’s how you know it’s fictitious) and each order a pint at the exact same time. The publican delivers the three malt beverages at the exact same time, setting them each in front of the three men. At the exact time they are set down, an insect flies into each drink. The Englishman turns his nose in the air and pushes the beer away, demanding of the Barman a new beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out, tosses it away, and drinks the beer anyway. The Irishman pinches the insect out and shouts at the bug, “Spit it out, that’s my beer!”
That's class...thank for that! 😂
It was the Scotsman, they're mean.
True Irish joke...Get out of my Beer! And, you ain't keeping any of it, lol!
You messed the ending up because it's the Scotsman that's supposed to be mean not the Irish
Now, see the version I know, is the Irishman looks at the beer, Shrugs, and starts drinking anyway.
The Scotsman pulls the insect out by the wings, gets right in its face and starts swearing it it to spit it out. 🤣
An old Irishman walks into a Irish pub in New York City and sits next to another old Irishman.
he says "Barkeep, a shot of Jamison's". Hearing this the other old man says "judging by your accent are you from Ireland?" "Yes I am" He says "Well so am I, may I join you in a drink", "sure" he says, "Barkeep 2 shots of Jamison's". They hold the glass in the air. "Here's to the Emerald isle". And they both shot the shots back'
" Where were you born in Ireland?" one says, "well I am from Dublin", "You are from Dublin?" other says, "I'm from Dublin, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air "here's to Dublin". And they shot the shots back.
"Where did you go to school?" one says "Well I went to the fine St Mary's". "Your joking!" the other says "I went to St Mary's, this is unbelievable, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air and they both shot the shots back. "May I be so bold as to ask when you were born? one says. "Well I was born on a spring day in April 1942. the other says. "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" the other shouts "I was born in April 1942! I cant believe my luck meeting you, Barkeep! 2 more shots and leave the bottle.
Meanwhile another man at the end of the bar has been listening to this and ask the bartender "what going on with those two?", the Bartender replies "Oh that just the O'Brian twins, there drunk again".
I love this joke. I tell it just a little different
@@joeyd4356 I usually act it out as I do a great drunk Irishman accent.
You have a fantastic way of telling jokes - love it x
Possibly the best spent 4 minutes ever on RUclips, that punchline, eventho I preempted it by 2 seconds, was SOO worth it lol
Man walks into a bar and lays 500 on the table and says 'I bet the 500 that no-one in here can drink ten pints straight down one after the other', and Irishman says 'I will take that bet but need 10 minutes before I do'. The Irishman walks out the pub and comes back after 10 minutes, goes to the ten beers and drinks them all down and picks up the 500. The man says 'you won that fair and square, but where did you go for the 10 minutes', the Irishman said 'to the Pub across the road, I wanted to make sure I could do it'.
that's a good one.
Classic!
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put three shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick :)
IRISHMEN ARE NOT ALL IMBECILES.
@@augustinehourigan7453 yeah but most of them actually have a sense of humour.
Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner 🤣
@@augustinehourigan7453 I'm Scottish..in England, take every sarcastic comment thrown at me and give back as good as I get..it's the only thing left that they haven't taken from us and I won't let them..Scottish, English, Irish and Welsh..we've always taken the pish out of each other..when they take that away I'm moving to Australia 🤪
The joke is "How do you confuse a Kerry man?". Kerry being a county in Ireland.
"What's an Irishman's favorite drink?
His next one
that isn't Enough. pop the top of some bad american whiskey. ya ,frog eater.
A free one
Wherever there there is 4 Irishman there is A 5th
It IS funny sir-thank you. The wife and I just got back from Ireland. We love it, very nice, and down to earth people.
We even made it up to Belfast to see the Titanic Exhibition. Thanks again.
Christ the bloody ship SANK,,,, Dan Magill County Antrim Ireland,,,
Don’t they have a sign in Belfast saying, “The Titanic was ok when it left here.”
An Irishmen, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey, is this a joke?"
Neigh chance.
Whenever an Irishman is in a pub and he falls on the floor, sure it's a blessing, he finally knows where he is going!
I enjoyed that and all the other "Irish jokes below" Thank-You above and below.
An Irish girl says to her mother. "Mam I'm pregnant". And her mam says"are ya sure it's yours"? 🤣
@Andrew H dude...?
@Andrew H Oh my God Andrew. ( Puts palm on face ).
@Andrew H Ok.That joke makes no sense, thats the funny part.
@Andrew H Ok. Will definitely follow your advice now.
A couple years ago I saw my cousin for the first time in several years. Unfortunately we were at the hospital due to her father’s health. Anyway she was sitting there with a blanket and she smiled really big and pulled the folded blanket back to show me her her 8 and a half month pregnant tummy. I immediately asked if it was hers and she laughed so much her hubby thought she might just go into labor and have the baby right then and there!
Knock at the door one evening. The wife answers it. "Mrs. Murphy. Paddy fell into one of the vats down at the brewery...and he's drowned!" She says, "Oh, saints be. I'll be betting he suffered something terrible, eh? The gent says, " Well, no missus, I wouldn't exactly say he suffered. He got out twice to go to the bathroom."
Three gents dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.
Ya didnt tell it right when you do its way funny
That made me laugh out. Good joke.
Guinness had a meeting of its labor union members to consider
topics for a New Contract. One of the suggestions from the Safety
Committee was that management should put up a net around the
top of the vats, to prevent any of the men from falling in. The other
members chased him from the room, as they considered it not a
hazard but a Fringe Benefit.
Love it!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 4th generation Aussie here, but from Limerick & Tipperary on both sides. That cracked me up big time!!!!!! Thank you.👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb??? Only 2 I’d them! One to actually change the bulb and the other to write a song about just how good the old one was :-)
"Dormant and insidious hatred of self"...boy's a poet.
😀😆😂🤣🤣🤣I love the Irish sense of humor..its freekin gold and will always keep you young forever..lol
Me to lol
Absolutely one of the best jokes I have ever heard. Bravo Sir.👍
Ya know what Irish Amnesia is? You forget everything but a grudge.
I hold fucking grudges like no tomorrow. Wish I could help it lol
I knew my Irish was showing. Grudges!
I,ll never forget this old irish bloke i knew who once said that he went to a disco one evening and said to the bloke on the door if you let me in free i,ll get u a pint so the doorman said ok go for it he said the pint was £4.50 but it was only £2 to charity to get into the disco....and thats a true story.
Enjoyed it thank you. Wonderful ending. You nailed it home run.
As an old lady in Jack Meade's in Wexford once told me "You remind me of somebody I don't know!"
Paddy and Mick are in this bar see, and there's mirrors around the walls. After a few hours of Guinness, Paddy says, 'hey Mick, there's two blokes over there that's the spittin' image o' you 'n me, lets go over and have a yarn wid 'em'.......Mick looks up and says, 'nah, siddown Paddy, dere comin' over 'ere.'
Expertly told. I could almost smell the cigar as you were telling it.
I was thinking the same!
Naff off! He was as funny as your balls being glued to the front wheel of a steam roller!
Oldest Joke on the planet: describe an Irish 7-course meal? A baked potato and a six-pack
On the Res it's a puppy and a six pack.
Well it might be an old joke now but once upon a time the original joke involved only a six course meal.
It's a boiled potato, not baked.
@ - on the other hand, an Irishman once told me that the 7th course it isn't a potato at all, it's a shot of Powers.
That is a perfect joke, delivered perfectly!
I've heard that joke before. It was told differently. Much shorter. And the two brothers were in the service still, he got out and promised his war buddies he would have two drinks for them till they got home.
You know the rest! 😁👍
Still Think You're Having A Bad Day?
Article from the Miami Herald, June 1998
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife worked in the kitchen. He was gunning the engine when the bike somehow lurched forward with the man still holding on. The bike crashed through the glass patio doors and ran into a wall, leaving the man cut and bruised on the living room floor. The man's wife called for an ambulance and then, since they lived on a fairly steep hill, went down several flights of stairs to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the woman up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, the wife cleaned it up with paper towels, which she then threw in the toilet.
The man was treated and released from the hospital. When he arrived home and saw the broken patio doors and damaged motorcycle, he became despondent and went into the bathroom and sat on the john to think for a while. He then lit a cigarette and tossed the match down between his legs into the toilet bowl.
Yep, you guessed it.
The wife heard the explosion and her husband screaming and ran in to find him lying face down with burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin. The paramedics loaded the man and started back down the stairs while the wife tried to explain what had happened. The paramedics got to laughing so hard that the one walking backwards lost his footing.
The gurney tilted and the patient slid off and rolled the rest of the way down the stairs breaking his arm!
Now, has your day really been all that bad?
Space Cadet
I am forced, by my own curiosity, to ask you one burning question:
Just how long did it take you to type all that out??!!
@@sherimcdaniel3491 Don't know. I had copied it years and years ago.
Space Cadet
Oh well. I was marveling at your effort! Take care.
All these Irish jokes about drinking stem from one universal truth; the rest of ye are amateurs.
I practice every day. ,,An amateur Yank.
👍
They called my grandfather "Big Bull", they call my father "Little Bull" and they call me "Bullsh*t! 😆
Ireland Declared War on France
Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
Space Cadet thanks for the laugh!
That's a good one!
Great
S
Space Cadet lmao