How Do I Make Sure My Mom Doesn't End Up Homeless?
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- Опубликовано: 28 апр 2023
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I wouldn't bring that woman into my house. He has a family to care for. I'm not saying he should not help her, but bringing her home is a time bomb
I’m saying he shouldn’t help her. She sounds like a parasite
What a sad situation. Caller has his head on straight but his heart still loves his mom❤️
Thank you Mom for preparing for your elder years and freeing my sister and I from your financially needs.
I also add my thanks to my mum also, who did the same thing...made sure that she was well-situated in her older years.
You can hear it in his voice.. he’s hurting big time.
So long as your mom thinks you are her safety net, she isn't going to seek help. Some times you have to step back, and let them feel the consequences of their choices.
He sounds so afraid… 😢 he is a good son but he feels burden I’ll just pray 😢😢😢😢
Amen... Praying for this family. 🙏
So kind..
One of the most powerful super powers you can develop to improve your life is to be able to cut people off/out who are a negative influence and the end of the day bring you down. Regardless of who they are or their relation to you.
IMO - You are so right: you have to be strong enough to do it even when others frown upon your actions. I had to quit being an enabler of some members of my nuclear family. Extended family relatives judged me harshly without knowing the full story. I don't regret doing it, but it makes me sad, sometimes.
Its very sad because is someone you really care for but then you reflect and see that if they dont show a sign of improvement they can easily bring you down.
So true! One of the hardest things I ever did was to cut two people out of my life, even though I loved them both very much. (One was my sister and one was my best friend.) I was raised to be kind and put others' needs ahead of my own, and these people really took advantage of that. For decades they took and took and took, and never gave back. Even when I had nothing left to give, they just kept taking. It was emotionally, physically and financially draining. And it took me years to realize it was happening. It's like I had blinders on! Once I cut them loose (and boy, was that difficult because I really did love them), my life got so much better. Within a couple of years, I was happier, healthier and had much better relationships in my life. I also found myself spending 15-20 hours a week doing the things I loved to do (like writing and film craft), because I had extra energy that they weren't draining out of me. It's such a hard thing to do, but really worth it.
Well said
You are very right. Many people think because they are related to someone you must always support them and help them, even if they are toxic and a burden and do nothing for themselves.
I feel you 100% also at 29. Their advice is spot on: your wife and kids first- biblically, morally, rationally, them first. Then, you do what you can without taking from the well being and future of your household.
The fact that it worries and stresses you is a good sign that you have a good heart and are a good son. God bless !
There are a lot of people out there where the best move they can make for themselves is to cut ties with everyone in their past. You didn’t leave them behind. You moved forward and they stayed put.
That is what I did! Moved away because family was never grateful of what i was doing. Raised my brother because divorced parents….. moved tobthe south east and bought my car cash and thriving in my career
Well stated and I completely agree as I am one of those people. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Excellent wisdom!!
"You moved forward and they stayed put".
I have the opposite problem...lol My mom won't hardly tell me anything going on with her because she knows I own a successful company and have a younger child to raise. She is so independent I have to pull info out of her and then give help. At her age of 80 she needs help in some areas even if she doesn't want it and I am glad to help her.
My mom did wind up homeless because of choices she made not just like this caller made. She went into a shelter and got subsidized housing. She still refuses to work and still complains because she doesn't like where she lives and no one will pay to take her on a trip (my fister and I usually go away once a year. One year I went with my sister and her family, another by myself, and this year with my friends). I may sound heartless and I may get some hate for this but..I do not feel sorry for my mom for one moment. When I was a kid she left lived rent free thanks to my dad paying for our house and she spent the child support how she saw fit which was usually not on the child.
You shouldn't feel sorry for such a person. I know I won't feel sorry for my mom.
People who don't work don't deserve a vacation
@@georgewagner7787 they don't need one. I am like what do you need a vacation from? Doing nothing all day!
I relate to your story so much. You are not heartless because you are not your mother's keeper. She was supposed to look after you in your childhood and she didn't.
I hate how some woman expect everything to be put in there lap, I’m 62 with a husband and 20 year old. I’ve worked all kind of jobs and work as a cleaner in hospitals, so many woman my age and older have to work, it’s pride and necessitie. No one should have to keep anyone
We owe it to ourselves and to the people we love to take care of ourselves in every possible way. Not relying for others and not being a burden is the most pure form of love.
What if you're physically disabled?
@@daveassanowicz186 Talking about normal circumstances. Choosing to abuse pills is vastly different from disability.
@@simonpegg1196 being disabled is my normal circumstance
They weren’t referring to people who are legitimately disabled through no fault of their own.
I live across the nation from my toxic family
Smart. I live in a different country! Far away!🎉
Im in this situation as we speak, it has really taken a toll on me. My mom made so many poor choices and until now she refuses to be accountable. She would have been homeless a long time ago if i wasnt around, in fact she got evicted and i had to take her in. I have felt stuck for a while now, and some of us havent been luck when it comes to our parents. Many people in this comment section say just leave, they're not your responsibility. But until you walk in those shoes you will never know. But life isn't fair in this world, someone will always have it better than another.
I totally understand. Nick T, I had thoughts of "I wish I had a different mom" but then realized I wouldn't exist without her. so I was in a sense wishing I didn't exist in a morbid way. The world isn't fair at all. I read other parents paying the down payment for their kid's first house or saving money for their Roth IRA's. I get angry and resent it.
I'm sure there are other people though that are glad you exist.
You should have separated yourself from your mom when you were 18. Move out of state many miles away from her and began your life without any interference.
I just want to say hun, I have been on both sides of helping/enabling my mom and walking away and let me assure you, walking away has helped her more than I was ever capable of doing by holding her up. Just a tidbit, being in crisis makes you very creative on finding a solution.
Exactly it is not easy nor comprehensible to just leave your loved on homeless .
I wanna give Braden a big hug 🥹🫶 rooting for you!
I have a cousin who is an addict and tries to get help occasionally. He relapses again and again. The cousins in my generation have all rallied to support him. We pay his utility bill and rent so he doesn't become homeless. We all grew up together, and we know his life history and how terrible it was for him. He was in a gruesome snowmobile accident as a young teen and had to have a steel plate put in his head. He got addicted to pain killers and it all spiraled from there. None of us give cash to him. We just make sure he has a place to live and has food. We couldn't find him once for three months and eventually found him jailed in another state. Recently, he has started attending church again, and that appears to be helping him a lot. Being a part of a larger community and having others depend on him (he does volunteer work) has given him a purpose. I don't think abandoning family is ever an option. My cousin is an only child and his parents barely can make ends meet themselves. If the cousin team didn't help him, he would without question be homeless and likely dead by now.
Reading the comments section I think people are becoming more heartless decade after decade
@@lang6626 All the people saying to cut people out of your life if they become a burden to you is astonishing to me. Cutting your mother and brother out of your life sounds demonic to me and is probably sociopathic.
Nice that you have a group to split care with.
This is not the father or the caller's responsibility - they already tried to lead people who didn't want to follow their lead. You can't help those who don't want to do the work to help themselves
Lawd don't bring an addict in the home with your young wife and child. I see all kinds of disasters there. Get her hooked up with social services.
The mom needs to apply for disability and possibly rehab.
Ridiculous for taxpayers to be burdened with this. Some people are legitimately disabled, and through no fault of their own. Those are the people who should get helped, in my opinion.
@@genxx2724 I agree with you but it doesn't sound like the son can handle the situation. They should start up a work program for people with that type of disability. Working often helps with depression.
Disability is like 1500 a month. And its taxed. So 800
@@anniealexander3402 I work in court. We had someone who was depressed, and was sentenced to community service for whatever the offense was. He kept coming back using depression as an excuse for not doing any work, until the judge finally set a date for progress or jail. That got him to start. He was a completely different person once he started doing the work, and he realized having a schedule, a constructive activity, and being with people made all the difference in the world.
Mom needs to get a job
Sounds like the Dad tried to make it work for 17 years. It was a lost cause. He couldn't take anymore. I couldn't have taken it as long as he did.
It's common in New Mexico to see a little one bedroom, one bath behind the main house. These were called mother-in-law houses. The mother in law or mother/ grandma would also work doing cooking and childcare. This was before welfare was common and if her husband died and she had no income. It's still a custom in Mexico. If my next wife invites her mom, I'll be building one, but maybe an acre to the back,lol.
Im from México, my parents were building one for my grandma but she didnt make it to live there, she passed away, so i moved to that room and lived there for a couple of years.
Yea I wish this was more common in the US but mothers and women in general are more often than not batshit crazy. This would work great IF the mother wasn't addicted to legal drugs (depression and anxiety pills) like here in the US... A great mother-in-law, is a great asset to help raise the kids and help out with household chores.
In South Africa it's called a Granny Flat.
I’m afraid I might end up dealing with a similar situation. My Dad inmigrante to the US in the 80s, he spent the next 42 years here working like a dog all types of jobs and spending money irresponsibly. Now he is 67, with no savings, no house (since he always renting) and no 401k cuz he worked under the table. I truly love my dad but, I need to first support myself
You may just have to go nuclear and walk away.
You situation is very different. First you have to remember your dad worked under the table not because he wanted but he didn’t have necessary documents. As you have mentioned he is an immigrant he moved to USA to make sure you have better life than his, before you make any decisions that could leave him crying it’s better you sit down with him and ask him exactly what went wrong 😑 but I know immigrants go through a lot
You can provide him a roof over his head and food but don’t give him more than say $25 a week allowance. If he gets sneaky stealing and selling your stuff, out he goes.
Nowhere did they say the dad was illegal. People like to work under the table for the exact reason meant by the term: they evade income tax and social security contributions. Then they’re unhappy in old age when they can’t receive the benefits.
How did he never save?
Perfect advice for you. My husband was in the exact same position at your age. Almost ended our marriage. Listen to their advice! You can give emotional support and a gift now and then, and end it there. Over 35 years we are still married. His mom did just fine and actually better off not living off her son. We did end up paying for her funeral, so maybe just save for that.
This is the best advice 🏆 .
Skip the funeral. Find out now if you can donate her body to your state anatomy.
A person can buy a small term life insurance policy on their parent to cover funeral expenses. That was the original purpose of life insurance. Also, more and more people are choosing cremation and declining to participate in the funeral-industrial complex.
@@genxx2724 We did cremation. We decided everything since we paid for it. Term insurance isn't that cheap when people are older. Especially if they have health or addiction issues.
You should do what your dad did move! Get far away from this situation. Tell your mom you have a job in another state.
I don't think he should tell her anything at all.
Omg I feel for this caller
He has to help his mother somehow. That may involve seeing what social support services in the community are available, and helping her get hooked up with them. He does *not* have to bring her into his home. Find her a small apartment, keep a roof over her head. Dave's advice beyond that is good.
I’m sending my mom $500 a month. She’s never had a long term job and single and in her early 60s. Has no medical insurance so worried when she will get sick in the future
Why doesn't she qualify for Medicare?
These are always interesting situations. I’ve been in something similar. Without going into details, I set limits on my help and they didn’t want to abide by those limits, instead wanting money without conditions. I don’t know why people are afraid to put boundaries on their help. But it definitely helps to lay out what your willing to do and set the conditions for that
I'm in a similar situation right now with my mom. I've had some tough conversations with her about what I will no longer do. She's currently trying to find housing but I've been her fallback plan for 20 years. My husband is upset about it all and I don't blame him
@@brianal7143 I hear ya. I learned early on, (I grew up in foster care), that people treat you how you let them, and if they know they can take advantage of you they will. Tough situation your in, but I hope by setting boundaries your mom will take this as an opportunity to get herself right.
Incredible how the state and court system will force this man's dad to support the woman's addiction even after a divorce that's arguably her fault, yet does not afford him any authority. Men have legally and financially nothing to gain and everything to lose by signing the piece of paper and getting the state involved in not their business.
You can honor you mother by not enabling her. You have an obligation to protect your wife and child, First.
No is a complete sentence. No is my bottom line. NO is a good word. No is a good answer.
IT'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HELPING AND ENABLING!!
Worst thing about being the only one with a stable life in your family is that dumb sh*t like this tends to fall on you.
Only if you let it.
When your not in that situation. It's easy to say oh just do this or that.
Amazing how many morally superior a-holes are out there. Ask any doctor you can't force a grown up to do anything. These are adults acting like small, bratty, spoiled children who need the benefit of a good switching but you can't do that.
These types will take and take and take until you have nothing left. Would you feel for a cancer patient who knows what is wrong but chose to nothing, accept no treatment and tells the doctor to F off?
It sounds like Mom needs some serious medical interventions.
If you have a dysfunctional family, it is not your responsibility to
try and rescue them from a father, who decided to make bad choices.
Do what you can, with the blessing of your wife, that will not mess up your life and your future.
Excellent advice
Sound, sage advice - wow heartbreaking 💔
His dad did the right thing for himself. The 29yr old son better not let his emotions make the wrong decision. It’s his mother’s responsibility to get herself some help. This is a tough one 🤦🏾♂️
I agree fully and it sounds like he did. He refused to be an enabler. I also didn't really sense much resentment from his son on the call which also tells me a lot.
The right thing? The right thing is to run out on his marriage, wife, and children? A real man takes control, cares for his family, and gets his wife the help she needs. A real man does not flee.
His dad is a coward who fled.
@@benjaminhough8804 Stop it! You are obviously a sucker. The mother is taking advantage and who knows what else she’s done. The son is probably giving us the clean version of the story. The sons are adults so cut it out. If this was the other way around, everyone would celebrate the woman moving on 🤷🏾♂️
@@benjaminhough8804 IMO - We have no idea what happened: sometimes the depth of mental illness can be to the point where a spouse has to take care of him/herself. I refuse to condemn without knowing the entire background. .
You can hear the emotion in his voice, he's really struggling with this.
It's not his responsibility to take care of his mom, it was her responsibility to take care of herself and life... I don't blame the dad for leaving.
There is housing for impoverished elderly people that is affordable even just with Social Security. You can get your mom on the wait list for such places. My granny lived in a place like that. They even covered meals. She liked it. She had her own little studio apartment, it was easy to make friends, and it was set up so things she'd need: haircuts, medical care, trips to the mall, were coordinated by the staff.
I’m in this situation… except it’s more of a life / death situation… Mom lives in the Philippines - no retirement plan, no medical insurance. The gov covers 20% of her medical bills. I just spent around 35k usd on three of her hospitalizations… All i can do is hope and pray for her health to get better… and I send 680 usd stipend monthly for their expenses..
"Her debt doesn't get passed onto you" except if it is a timeshare.
The dad was sending thousands a month and your mom couldn’t get it together she’s a lost cause no one at 29 can do half that stuff
Mother is 62 and should be on social security.
Pills for depression and anxiety usually don't work and don't fix emotional problems.
If someone is on anxiety medication doesn't make them a drug addict
he said she's been "numb" for seven years. that sounds like an addict.
wow that's a messed up family
Go over all her expences
Then structure them so they are affordable
Not her wants
That she can't afford
But her needs
That will be more affordable
Dad bailed. Son needs to say sorry not sorry gotta avoid this mess. Would love to see a ex husband in this situation with the courts making that a you gotta support him being a thing. Love how Delony immediately goes to there was abuse, maybe the mom is a addict.
I think he meant abuse coming from the mom. It also sounds like the younger brother may not share the same father as the caller.
Older parents and grandparents, need to watch giving their money to grown children and grown grandchildren!.......And on the flip side, this caller's mother should have gotten a job and kept it to provide for herself!.......it's NOT fair to this young man to have to take care of his mother !...Dave is right!...ITS A BIG DIFFERENCE HELPING AND ENABLING A PERSON!...
Needs to seek out State Elderly Social Sevices.
State rehab followed by care/ nursing home.
Otherwise don’t send cash.
why should you have to support your parents? They should be helping you. Sounds like she needs help and she needs to get a job and take care of herself. So many people call Linn and want to give their parents money and I don't think that's the way to help.
We were so lucky. Dad didn't even want to spend money for themselves for senior care. I had to tell him not to worry about us. Man, do I miss them.
Same boat
Love my mom
She lives with me
This is what happens with single mothers. They expect the kids to fund their retirement. Awful
So sad. 😢
His mom probably could draw social security at age 62.
I was thinking the same thing but I doubt she earned her 40 SS credits. She sounds like a bum.
She can get SS based on the father's account when the father retires.
Wow what a great son!
All of you in the comments saying she should get a job.....if you are in a position at work to hire someone, do you EVER choose the person who is over 50 years old? No, I didn't think so.
If I had to guess the mom plays the victim card, blames everyone and never took responsibility for any decisions in her life. Not his responsibility.
Am I the only one who heard that his mother suffers from depression and is on meds for depression and anxiety? How did we get to everyone claiming his mom is an addict? Labeling her an addict seems to allow everyone in the comments to take a very un-empathetic approach in how he treats his mother. What I got from his call was that he is concerned his mother will be homeless, and not that she is a drug addict.
Looks like social security is a good thing after all.
Always has been.
Volunteer for meals on wheels or the food bank and talk to people.
I get my first SS check in a few days
$1700. I paid in for 40y
@Ann Taylor It’s not a handout. People work and pay in to be eligible. The purpose of Social Security is to keep elders from suffering in penury.
@@PInk77W1 Congrats. You earned it and deserve it.
@@PInk77W1 congratulations🎉
Am I the only one who seems to find it disgusting that we have homelessness at all in America while we send billions of dollars to Ukraine?
It doesn't matter if mom doesn't want to change! The question really is how do you help an addict!
This is my worst fear 😰
Super tough situation cause that is your mother...she might be in a horrible place but cant just let her become homless on the street if you can help it. But first priority has to be your wife and kids. She needs professional help with a rehab facility.
The Rescue Mission.🕊
wow this really sounds like my life
Mom needs rehab, and normal counseling. Do not help her at all unless she stays on that path and do not give her cash.
I feel better about my life now. Thanks dude!
That’s terrible. Someone else’s serious pain makes your life better? I think you’re the one who needs the therapist, because that’s 100% not normal.
@@OopThereItIs77777 yeah and I'll bet you're the same type of chick that likes to help people with other people's money
@@yourgooglemeister6745 I appreciate the attempt…swing & a miss though. The mother should get help & the son can love her from afar. No financial support needs to be involved. However, I do believe in being compassionate & not grinning when someone is struggling simply because my life doesn’t consist of the same struggle. You’ve said enough about your character & what’s going on in your life with the aforementioned comment.
@@OopThereItIs77777
It's called a JOKE. Not every comment has to be serious.
@@terriesmith2616 It’s not a joke. It’s gross & not even funny facetiously. He said what he said.
She can go to a nursing home at age 65 with mediciad and her social security
isnt social security at 68 now?
Tough love
You could bring her to stay with you ! 😊
I’m in a situation close to this I’m 20 , me and my previous girlfriend broke up , my mom came to me in a crisis because she couldn’t afford her rent payments etc. even married to my step dad me being 18 at the time I make about 55k a year and my mother asked to help get a place and me , her and my stepdad would split everything meanwhile they didn’t even have a dime in the bank for anything , I spent $4,000 on a down payment and security deposit for a new house better than anything we’ve had before and my mom quit her job she relies on short term disability benefits for things she’s capable of doing it’s a not wanting to work thing , i pay all bills and nourish all the food and she still won’t work she wakes up everyday trying to get disability after being denied multiple times she doesn’t have anything in the bank 0.00 and has a 65k dollar car and is so upside in she owes more on the car than it’s almost worth im dumbfounded at this point the story only goes on ,any advice from anyone ?
I suspect there could be more to his mother's addiction to the meds (and why she was on them in the first place). Could be the result of the father either being abusive or cheating, so with therapy, she could get off them. Equally, she could have MHI of anxiety, and never fix them.
The first was a big assumption on my part, but it was the father skipping off to Thailand that tipped me off. Generally men do that who are either pedophiles, or they want a nice subservient wife (meaning they were likely domestic abusers, so want a woman they can order around).
At her age though, yes, she is looking at a life of poverty, even if she gets off the meds, there is no career path that will get her out of it. If she gets herself clean, you could think about a future residence that incorporates some kind of attached living arrangement.
I got left with my parents mortgage and loan notes.
A parent has no right to take money from a child.
This week a roofer fell through my mom's roof and I just got into a fight w her neihgbor(minutes ago)so I am done supporting her. Ain't working.
Please cover the collapse of First Republic Bank.
Dr John is the best of the Ramsey team. Better than Dave himself. He’s realistic and sympathetic and he is educated and adjusts his advice based on every situation. The rest of the team including Dave himself just might as well be a telemarketer reading a script. “Sell the car, beans and rice, mutual funds.”
He said he lives in Wyoming but on the screen it says he’s from Denver. Either he told on himself or….
okay.... so who else read the thumbnail wrong??
Make your decisions first. Then marry if you decide not to help them. Okay you are married, your family comes first. If you have extra spending money then you can help. Don't move them into your home.
Why noone said that this poor woman qualifies for disability??? "Anxiety and depression" Please help her apply for disability!
Thankfully my father works and makes good money, but it's definitely annoying having a parent whose getting older but doesn't worry about retirement. Yes, you can sound like a big shot and claim "don't worry about me" but we all know I can't realistically let you become homeless if things get bad. Not thinking about retirement can actually be selfish - you are pretty much dooming your children the burden to worry and care for you into old age, as much as you may claim that said children shouldn't worry about it.
Pay your taxes and keep social security funded. That is the only thing you have to do that helps her.
Prayer Closet
Mom needs to get a JOB. The only thing Braden should pay for is rehab or basic therepy.
My mom relies on her children and doesn’t work
I agree your mom needs help but I will only do what I can but for the dad to leave the country she has major issues and maybe he could have gotten a attorney
"Addicted to Marijuana??!!"
"Boo this man!"
IMO - the caller may have been trying to say that the brother was self medicating through the use of marijuana.
Google marijuana use disorder, a percentage of this cohort can accuraty be described as addicts.
Would she be a candidate for a nursing home?
help mom get a place in a nursing home
Hear! Hear! Yes, just like any other drug marijuana is addictive and it's use can interfere with you being a functional human being. It is not a harmless drug! I am in the same situation with my oldest son.
Thousands of dollars a month?
@@johannesswillery7855 I believe that was in reference to his mother's drug use.
i wouldnt do it because of the fact that she is grown and if she needs helps... She gets the help. We as kids need to help our parents but as a drug addict nope. I wouldnt do it no sir
Give her a tent and a bus ticket to San Francisco
The dad’s in Thailand? That’s always suspicious when a man splits to Thailand.
That’s why men crush womens dreams to make them housewives or homeless
Easy decision. Disown the family.
I am sorry to say this but you have to get her help because you are not able to help your mom. You have no understanding of drug addiction and let someone else help her. Because later your brother will come aling and you will feel responsible for him next. Your emotions are taking over. Your family comes first.