Well said -- the problem is not that we have judgments, but that we get attached to them rather than taking responsibility for them and being open to letting them go.
My natural instinct is to fight and then flee in a conflict situation because I don't like feeling vulnerable. I have worked hard in recent years to be more patient, calm, and vulnerable when faced with conflict. I don't believe people should keep their feelings locked up inside. That isn't healthy. But yelling isn't healthy either. There needs to be room for people to speak their truth...no matter how uncomfortable it may be...and have their viewpoint acknowledged and valued. TY for the reminder that vulnerability and curiosity is a part of resolving conflict. The answer to a conflict lies inside of the conflict. Be it with teams or in personal relationships. 👍🙏
1.Time in phrase resonates with me rather than time out 2. Focus on behavior that restores sense of community 3. Raise and nurture human beings rather than human doings 4 community circles rock!
I'm gonna try to summarise this in my own words 🤔 If you feel something or aren't comfortable with something, you should engage in conflict to solve the issue. Be vulnerable, show or express your inner feelings with honesty and own your opinion as its who you are, and you're worth hearing. Then become curious with their opinion or side of the conflict to explore what they have to say. Hopefully you'll find middle ground where both become aware of others feelings and compromise or collaborate to respect each others opinions.
I think this is an earlier version of this presentation so not polished. But I like it. They speak about using vulnerability (essentially admitting your feelings) and curiosity (questioning what is really going on here?) to address conflict. I look forward to seeing a presentation from them at a later time. These 2 women have triumphed over tremendous abuse, and are thriving and using their gains to help others. Bravo!
God healed you of cancer! Praise be to God! “The Lord sent His word and healed them. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness” Psalms 107:20-21 AMP
Wonderfully transparent and useful advice. This is also the best path to all conflict resolution. Be honest. Be open. Be vulnerable. Be human. CrisMarie and Susan encourage us all to dispense with the B.S. and posturing and to just get to the job at hand. Life is simply too short to keep putting off conflicts that must be surmounted if both sides truly hope to thrive.
I'm not a huge fan of Tedex talks, but this one is quite good and very close to home for me. 'Suzie' was a childhood friend and the 'charismatic camp director' she mentions was my father. Our paths have diverged yet we both have stumbled our way into speaking the truth to power. The day before International Women's Day, remember to do your part to stop the violence against women and children.
Wow. Those are two incredible comments. I have never seen anything like it before, anywhere, in online forums. Susan i commend you for your reply and Josrphine, you show real courage. I'm still trying to absorb this important talk, I honestly can't wrap my mind around this. Kudos.
Susan you are an absolutely amazing person for this! Thank you too Josephine...for taking a stance for what's right even though he's family. This was a brilliant TED talk. Absolutely brilliant.
Well done to the 2 women! I appreciate their message about staying with conflict, rather than trying to escape it. Also, their honesty and openness about their formative childhood experiences which shaped their relationship to conflict. 👍🏾
They have so much practice ahead of them to become better communicators but their perfectibility make their message even more powerful. I live them both more for the many mistakes they make. They have the courage to get in the arena. Thank you both!
What is conflict? How conflict happens. In this regard, he gave information in a very beautiful way. For this, in his lecture gave excellent examples from experience.
Wow ! Am enjoying this talk about conflicts!! I am so scared of conflicts and confrontations! to the degree I let people take my money bully me and disrespect me and I set angry sad in my closet! From now I will use my conflicts to get ahead in my life ! !
I knew I met Susan before and now I remember, she has a nice linkedin course i took it. You two were wonderful speaking together. Thank you for sharing.
I came home from work wanting to leave my job last night (a job I really love). This discussion prompted another perspective and I am grateful for this presentation. Thank you!
I haven't watched many Tedtalks recently, but I saw this and I am going through something with someone in an activist organization and I think I might apply vulnerability and creativity- use it, don't defuse it when we agree to a mediated discussion.
Great and honest presentation! Lovely and quite informative. Though the talk is on conflict resolution, but there is a loud silence on the embedded testimony of the healing power of God Almighty through the reverend that conducted a healing circle. Such incontrovertible evidence of God's love and presence to help ALL who would give Him a chance! The church, made up of humans is full of flaws BUT NOTHING CAN SEPERATE MAN FROM THE EVERLASTING LOVE OF GOD!
I love their personal stories and principles of vulnerability and curiosity. Very powerful. I have learned to think of a relationship as a circle. Person A acts and person B reacts, which triggers a reaction in person A, which triggers a new reaction in person B, and so on. So, to resolve conflict I think we have to break out of this collusive cycle. We begin to do so as we recognize that there are really two very different stories going on. Person A has a story and person B has a story. And it’s not a matter of one being right and the other being wrong. In fact, if we believe that one story is right and the other wrong, we shut down communication and move quickly towards polarization. I've found a good starting point is for me to be curious about the other person's story. When they know I'll listen to their story they'll be open to hearing my story (vulnerability). The key to conflict is not a change in the other person but my willingness to be curious and listen more deeply.
Powerful presentation. I love observing how their posture reflects their stories. So much to learn from both Susan and CrisMarie. Definitely a big fan.
What a fun TED Talk! I listen to so many of these to help me with work and it was super fun and super cool to listen to this one. In fact, I loved the gaffes - they made me love this even more! It's okay to be human :)
Haha. The ending lines! I'm actually shivering because of a fight or flight response at the moment. Thank you for this. I feel a bit of relief after hearing and understanding your knowledge this evening. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
It's good to get this affirmation because I always advocate that conflict is healthy and believe greatness comes out of it.its not so easy though because most people run from conflict then I end up being the odd one out who wants to engage in actual fact it is because I hate conflict hence I want to engage with ig and have it resolved but other see it in a negative light but I never loose sight of my intention but lately I must admit I'm losing heart because its tiring to engage all the time so I diffuse mostly emotionally which never works really because my true self is engaging
I love your story ma'am its very satisfiying to hear your story we have our own story of our lives and i realized all my sins and i learned a lot from this video to spread love to one another and to give importance to one self, to our family and other people. and if you feel that you are in the point of struggle find hope in the way you can possibly do it can be either support and comfort from loved ones and always think that there is always a chance and from there you keep fighting and moving on the climb maybe longer but the view is worth it❤
I appreciate the message, but this was painful to watch. The script makes them seem insincere, almost like they're reflecting the negative examples of people doing "business as usual" that they talk about... there's something awkward in here. Also, they're not "using" conflict in any way, they're advocating openness and vulnerability. It's just recognizing that you don't understand another person and consciously seeking to understand, avoiding the conflict altogether.
The power is in the belief that we are being vulnerable and open with each other. That belief creates an environment for conflict resolution and understanding to happen. If we consider conflict an opportunity to either reject or understand each other, this "Use, don't Defuse" method might give us the tools and mind set to willfully appreciate the perspectives of others and work together. Some explosions destroy life, others create life.
Sabina - love the reference to 10,000 hours - so true - those hours come from teams and just our own journeys! Like your talk one that one voice! Thanks for noticing and commenting!!
Great talk. I also love the dichotomy of their clothes - one in red against the 'Ted' and one in white/pale pink against the white text. They have totally different approaches to conflict so I have to wonder if this was deliberate, but either way I love it.
If I may add or make it clearer-if I got the speaker right, when they said " do not diffuse it" it means " Keep it in a non toxic level". Because if a toxic conflict persist continually, the team will break down gradually. However, I do believe- and Machiavelli is a big fan of it- that your haters are the most honest people (to you) that you will ever meet. Your haters will tell you things that your friends will not tell you because they are afraid to hurt your feelings or start a conflict with them, if you cannot handle the truth.
I think when they say "defuse" they mean ignore. If you just go along for the sake of getting along then the conflict still exists, it's just not being acknowledged.
In the priest scenario, the priest was curious by asking people about their experiences and he was also vupnerable by allowing unfavorable views of him and his religion to be shared openly. In the business team scenario the angry guy became curious about her idea. He learned what she was valuing with her idea and why her idea was the way it was. He became vulnerable by being open to being wrong.
I really think these women need to split up for these talks. Their styles are so different that it changes the vibe and the message of the talk each time they switch. I felt much more engaged to the short hair woman than the one in red.
Humans learn better when the lesson is contained within stories, so your brain won't thank you if you just skip to that but thank you for the info; it's helpful to know.
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Well said -- the problem is not that we have judgments, but that we get attached to them rather than taking responsibility for them and being open to letting them go.
These women really put their hearts and souls into this presentation.
My natural instinct is to fight and then flee in a conflict situation because I don't like feeling vulnerable. I have worked hard in recent years to be more patient, calm, and vulnerable when faced with conflict. I don't believe people should keep their feelings locked up inside. That isn't healthy. But yelling isn't healthy either. There needs to be room for people to speak their truth...no matter how uncomfortable it may be...and have their viewpoint acknowledged and valued. TY for the reminder that vulnerability and curiosity is a part of resolving conflict. The answer to a conflict lies inside of the conflict. Be it with teams or in personal relationships. 👍🙏
1.Time in phrase resonates with me rather than time out
2. Focus on behavior that restores sense of community
3. Raise and nurture human beings rather than human doings
4 community circles rock!
Love that you blew the closer. It just makes it a more memorable moment. Great talk.
I'm gonna try to summarise this in my own words 🤔 If you feel something or aren't comfortable with something, you should engage in conflict to solve the issue. Be vulnerable, show or express your inner feelings with honesty and own your opinion as its who you are, and you're worth hearing. Then become curious with their opinion or side of the conflict to explore what they have to say. Hopefully you'll find middle ground where both become aware of others feelings and compromise or collaborate to respect each others opinions.
I think this is an earlier version of this presentation so not polished. But I like it. They speak about using vulnerability (essentially admitting your feelings) and curiosity (questioning what is really going on here?) to address conflict. I look forward to seeing a presentation from them at a later time. These 2 women have triumphed over tremendous abuse, and are thriving and using their gains to help others. Bravo!
I love the trip ups and mistakes. It made them more personable i appreciated it
God healed you of cancer! Praise be to God! “The Lord sent His word and healed them. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness”
Psalms 107:20-21 AMP
Conflict - confuse it. I won't forget this talk for a while. Thank you!
Wonderfully transparent and useful advice. This is also the best path to all conflict resolution. Be honest. Be open. Be vulnerable. Be human. CrisMarie and Susan encourage us all to dispense with the B.S. and posturing and to just get to the job at hand. Life is simply too short to keep putting off conflicts that must be surmounted if both sides truly hope to thrive.
I'm not a huge fan of Tedex talks, but this one is quite good and very close to home for me. 'Suzie' was a childhood friend and the 'charismatic camp director' she mentions was my father. Our paths have diverged yet we both have stumbled our way into speaking the truth to power. The day before International Women's Day, remember to do your part to stop the violence against women and children.
not sure I ever replied to this - but your words mean a lot! Indeed we have stumbled and found our path to speaking our truth.
Wow. Those are two incredible comments. I have never seen anything like it before, anywhere, in online forums. Susan i commend you for your reply and Josrphine, you show real courage. I'm still trying to absorb this important talk, I honestly can't wrap my mind around this. Kudos.
Wow!
Susan you are an absolutely amazing person for this! Thank you too Josephine...for taking a stance for what's right even though he's family. This was a brilliant TED talk. Absolutely brilliant.
Well done to the 2 women! I appreciate their message about staying with conflict, rather than trying to escape it. Also, their honesty and openness about their formative childhood experiences which shaped their relationship to conflict. 👍🏾
They have so much practice ahead of them to become better communicators but their perfectibility make their message even more powerful. I live them both more for the many mistakes they make. They have the courage to get in the arena. Thank you both!
What is conflict? How conflict happens. In this regard, he gave information in a very beautiful way. For this, in his lecture gave excellent examples from experience.
That woman in red jacket…thank you for being honest and relatable
Wow ! Am enjoying this talk about conflicts!! I am so scared of conflicts and confrontations! to the degree I let people take my money bully me and disrespect me and I set angry sad in my closet! From now I will use my conflicts to get ahead in my life ! !
I ve never seen such a good duo speech in my life
Susan and Cris Marie,such a great talk,thank you
I knew I met Susan before and now I remember, she has a nice linkedin course i took it. You two were wonderful speaking together. Thank you for sharing.
I came home from work wanting to leave my job last night (a job I really love). This discussion prompted another perspective and I am grateful for this presentation.
Thank you!
So, how are things now?
appreciate crismarie sharing her story
I haven't watched many Tedtalks recently, but I saw this and I am going through something with someone in an activist organization and I think I might apply vulnerability and creativity- use it, don't defuse it when we agree to a mediated discussion.
Great and honest presentation! Lovely and quite informative. Though the talk is on conflict resolution, but there is a loud silence on the embedded testimony of the healing power of God Almighty through the reverend that conducted a healing circle. Such incontrovertible evidence of God's love and presence to help ALL who would give Him a chance! The church, made up of humans is full of flaws BUT NOTHING CAN SEPERATE MAN FROM THE EVERLASTING LOVE OF GOD!
I think they have a worthwhile concept, I would have loved to have heard a concrete solution. It was almost like an infomercial.
GREAT TALK I completely enjoyed learning a strategy for using conflict at work. Thank you Susan and ChrisMarie
Here’s when they talk about the two ingredients 12:00
thanks
this is very well done & Fun!!! Thank you Mikayla
Thank you guys, I love this 😍
I love their personal stories and principles of vulnerability and curiosity. Very powerful. I have learned to think of a relationship as a circle. Person A acts and person B reacts, which triggers a reaction in person A, which triggers a new reaction in person B, and so on. So, to resolve conflict I think we have to break out of this collusive cycle. We begin to do so as we recognize that there are really two very different stories going on. Person A has a story and person B has a story. And it’s not a matter of one being right and the other being wrong. In fact, if we believe that one story is right and the other wrong, we shut down communication and move quickly towards polarization.
I've found a good starting point is for me to be curious about the other person's story. When they know I'll listen to their story they'll be open to hearing my story (vulnerability). The key to conflict is not a change in the other person but my willingness to be curious and listen more deeply.
Powerful presentation. I love observing how their posture reflects their stories. So much to learn from both Susan and CrisMarie. Definitely a big fan.
Informative talk about conflict and saying their own experience
Thank You for making me realize of why I'm I so afraid of making mistake.
becoming a new manger has me really listening to good advice, I will be using these techniques in my life both personally and business wise.
Excellent and fantastic discussion and presentation about conflicts and manage and give fruitful findings. Thank you
Most pleasing personalities.
Very useful talk on conflict managemnt
How good is this talk! Thanks to you for this.
Very thought provoking
What a fun TED Talk! I listen to so many of these to help me with work and it was super fun and super cool to listen to this one. In fact, I loved the gaffes - they made me love this even more! It's okay to be human :)
Haha. The ending lines!
I'm actually shivering because of a fight or flight response at the moment. Thank you for this. I feel a bit of relief after hearing and understanding your knowledge this evening. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
This was amazing, I love this authenticity
Susan, you are my inspiration. I love your words. I listen 4 times. Use it not defuse it.. Great work. :)
Excellent presentation on how to manage conflicts. Thankyou mam
I love these ladies!
Informative speech about conflict
Interesting Session on Conflict.
Very informative. Thank you
Thank you very much for your thoughts provoking inspirational explanations on good conflict really appreciate
This was such a great TED talk!
This show responsibility is most important thing in every work put your mind in the work you are doing it automatically be done good
Wonderful presentation Thanks Madam
It's good to get this affirmation because I always advocate that conflict is healthy and believe greatness comes out of it.its not so easy though because most people run from conflict then I end up being the odd one out who wants to engage in actual fact it is because I hate conflict hence I want to engage with ig and have it resolved but other see it in a negative light but I never loose sight of my intention but lately I must admit I'm losing heart because its tiring to engage all the time so I diffuse mostly emotionally which never works really because my true self is engaging
I love your story ma'am its very satisfiying to hear your story we have our own story of our lives and i realized all my sins and i learned a lot from this video to spread love to one another and to give importance to one self, to our family and other people. and if you feel that you are in the point of struggle find hope in the way you can possibly do it can be either support and comfort from loved ones and always think that there is always a chance and from there you keep fighting and moving on the climb maybe longer but the view is worth it❤
Very interesting and informative. Thank you
Thank you
I love these two, such a great talk; thank you Susan and Cris Marie!
I’m Sri i
Thank you, love the video!
Informative session on Conflict,and thank you for sharing your experience
Informative talk on conflict. Thank you so much
Everything is awesome, including this talk and the two of you. Fantastic! Thank you!
Wowza
Very informative
Very well done! Effective, personal, and so very "you". Congrats!
Wonderful I learned so much from this talk.
I appreciate the message, but this was painful to watch. The script makes them seem insincere, almost like they're reflecting the negative examples of people doing "business as usual" that they talk about... there's something awkward in here.
Also, they're not "using" conflict in any way, they're advocating openness and vulnerability. It's just recognizing that you don't understand another person and consciously seeking to understand, avoiding the conflict altogether.
The power is in the belief that we are being vulnerable and open with each other. That belief creates an environment for conflict resolution and understanding to happen. If we consider conflict an opportunity to either reject or understand each other, this "Use, don't Defuse" method might give us the tools and mind set to willfully appreciate the perspectives of others and work together. Some explosions destroy life, others create life.
So very true. I would not call “that doctor”
Spot on. Perfect comment
I cannot agree with your comments! For sure they are nervous and exposing themselves! But thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Yeah I felt a tad a cringey
Thanks for sharing this wonderful experience on conflicts. Sharing experiences makes easy to understand the situations .
It is really good to learn new things
Powerful talk where you are willing to both show up and tell your own stories so that you can then help others learn from your "10,000" hours.
Sabina - love the reference to 10,000 hours - so true - those hours come from teams and just our own journeys! Like your talk one that one voice! Thanks for noticing and commenting!!
Thank for your valuable excellent lecture.
This was fantastic, thankyou! And so much courage to share your past, very admirable. I loved the end, made me laugh 😂
Nice presentation thank ypu
Very nice information, thank you
Thank u for sharing the video
Powerful. Thank you!
Madams,
Thank you very much for your thought provoking inspirational explanations on good conflicts really excellent.👍🙏
I love Ted talks but the super-scripted nature of them sometimes gets old. I appreciate that yours was both scripted and relaxed and personal!
Great talk. I also love the dichotomy of their clothes - one in red against the 'Ted' and one in white/pale pink against the white text. They have totally different approaches to conflict so I have to wonder if this was deliberate, but either way I love it.
Nice lecture... Thank you...
Informative talk on conflict. I learned a lot from this video Thank you
Great job you to. This helped me a lot.
Great talk, thank you.
Thank you much for this
I like this - they came across as real esp when the punch line went a little side ways - encourages me to be real
Great talk thanku
Nice presentation...
Thank you for this!! I loved your stories and wisdom shared. I really needed to hear this. Happy New Year!
Thanks so much Jennifer!
Makes sense and extremely useful
Very informative video
Nice way of presentation
Wow I learned a lot from this “talk” thank you guys so much 😊
jlamblpn2012 are u sure?
You bet!
You understand nothing, that for sure.
Nice information
lmaoooo they’re too cute I loved this
If I may add or make it clearer-if I got the speaker right, when they said " do not diffuse it" it means " Keep it in a non toxic level". Because if a toxic conflict persist continually, the team will break down gradually. However, I do believe- and Machiavelli is a big fan of it- that your haters are the most honest people (to you) that you will ever meet. Your haters will tell you things that your friends will not tell you because they are afraid to hurt your feelings or start a conflict with them, if you cannot handle the truth.
I think when they say "defuse" they mean ignore. If you just go along for the sake of getting along then the conflict still exists, it's just not being acknowledged.
Informative lecture
Very Informative...
Well done Ladies! I enjoyed that 😀
The topic of this talk is a great choice. But I could not gain any insight on how to approach these types of conflicts in reality.
In the priest scenario, the priest was curious by asking people about their experiences and he was also vupnerable by allowing unfavorable views of him and his religion to be shared openly.
In the business team scenario the angry guy became curious about her idea. He learned what she was valuing with her idea and why her idea was the way it was. He became vulnerable by being open to being wrong.
Nice class
I really think these women need to split up for these talks. Their styles are so different that it changes the vibe and the message of the talk each time they switch. I felt much more engaged to the short hair woman than the one in red.
thats the conflict
12.05 seconds is your answer
Humans learn better when the lesson is contained within stories, so your brain won't thank you if you just skip to that but thank you for the info; it's helpful to know.