My Gay Epiphany: Abandonment & Filling A Void
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- Опубликовано: 1 сен 2018
- I had an epiphany yesterday that honestly rocked my world and I hope I always remember it whenever I'm confronted with a similar situation. Hopefully you guys connect to this too and learn something useful like I did.
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You should read "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. It's on audible. The reason gay men act the way they do as adults, as you described, is the result of years of feeling shame as a child and young adult for being gay. The book really goes into detail about it. A few other points: (1.) I went on vacation a lot by myself, mostly to Miami and LA in my 20's and whenever I did I always felt super lonely. At first I thought being in a beautiful setting by the beach would make me feel happy and it was the complete opposite. Everyone is different but to me it doesn't matter where in the world you live, if the people I love aren't there (ie: your family and close friends), I'm always going to feel lonely. On the other hand, I've seen many gay men move across the country to another city and within a month they instantly seem to have an entirely new group of friends. I think some people are naturally social and excel at making friends. My best friend of 20 years and I were talking yesterday about how we don't have many friends because we expect a lot from people in relationships, and in turn, we give a lot as well. Most people don't have the same standards we have for relationships and therefore we were saying how we have been extremely let down by so many people over the years. People generally use you in the moment, then when they find a relationship or move away or find friends they like better, they forget about you. That's been my experience. If I moved to the other side of the world, I would still talk to my best friend every day, my mom every day and Facetime with my nieces and nephew every day. You make time for the people you love. Most people are flaky and users. (2.) Questioning your self worth as a compatible mate gets worse when you get older (I hate to say it). I have seen all of my cousins who are around my age and my younger sister get married and have families, meanwhile I'm alone. I definitely is infinitely more difficult as a gay man, especially when you don't want a relationship that conforms to the gay norms (ie: open relationships, superficiality, cattiness, etc.). The points you make in all of your fuckboy videos are 100% true - most gay men do not have class enough to ask you on a proper date and behave appropriately like straight men treat women. It's baffling to me also. And it's not a guy-guy vs. girl-guy thing. It's just plain decency and respect. (3.) My last point is that the ruminations (over thinking) and constant negative thoughts won't go away no matter how hard you try to control your thoughts. It is how your brain is wired. Trust me on this one. I definitely recommend a low dose of Citalopram daily - it will really help stop both ruminations and negative thoughts almost miraculously.
Thanks for your always thoughtful comments :) I actually read that book years ago. It was a pretty stunning revelation to tie together all the gay men I've encountered (including me) who are filled with obsessions, rage, and/or anxiety. I go by myself on vaca to pretty places all the time, so that's funny - same exact thing. Except sometimes I actually have a marvelous time - if my social efforts pan out. I expect a lot of relationships, too, so I get it. Although I get bitter at those individuals, I've come to the conclusion that they will never have full-on beautiful relationships (even friendships) whereas I at least have that potential and emotional intelligence to be capable of that. Thanks for the advice...personally I try to stay away from medications in general, I'd rather try to resolve issues the "natural" way (no judgment - I'm just the son of a chemist so I have very paranoid, skeptical views on some medicine), but it's good to know for a future reference. Appreciate the honesty as always✌🏼
Well, I think we all want to stay away from medications when at all possible and sort things out the natural way, but when your natural brain chemistry is such that you experience crippling anxiety, depression, rumination, negative thoughts, etc. and it affects the quality of your life, it's not always possible. Everyone is different so it's a case by case basis depending on how severely it affecting your life.
Thanks for letting us know about that book, im going to read it, ive always wondered why gay guys act so cold
It's refreshing to hear a mature, adult serious discussion for a change on gay RUclips. As a late bloomer and life-long introvert I've always considered myself lucky if I had even four or five good friends; the kinds of friends you could make spontaneous plans with or who would think to include you in their plans, and the kind you'd do anything for and know they would for you. I don't need that constantly reinforced. If the friendships are real, a lapse doesn't immediately set off alarm bells. In 2002 I moved to a new city and it took a long, long time to make those kinds of friendships, which meant I spent considerable time with only my own company. Here's the trick. You have to like yourself, because if you can't like yourself even a little you'll convince yourself that's why no one else does. I had my hobbies and interests. I was comfortable exploring my new neighborhood and city on my own. I established my own new routine. Eventually I collected the friendships I wanted along the way. It was organic and natural, not rushed or forced. But I had to like my own company to endure until I reached that point. My perspective may not be common or shared, but perhaps there's something here that will prove helpful to you or others.
Very true! You have to come to a place where you find solace in your independence and time by yourself. An added bonus of getting there is that you become more choosy afterwards of who you're willing to have around you.
Very insightful, really got me thinking about my own life....you are so good at expressing your thoughts.
blane262 thank you 🙏🏼 I felt it may be a bit self-indulgent but in the moment it felt like such an important revelation that I figured others would relate to it too. Thanks for watching.
I'm so proud of you! This is so important xoxoxo
What mature and delicate thoughts in the same time, expressed with such a grace!!
Well thank you sir! 😊
It is a very beautiful testimony, we are glad you share it with us. Guard your vulnerabilities for they make up thé very precious of your your inner being. Trust it To your closest ones.
À bear hug To you
Thank you for the kind words and for watching!
Excellent relatible self examination and suggestion to be the best version of ourselves for others to keep expectations realistic and respectful with mature communication. ♥️
Thanks for watching :)
Thanks for this video Keven, i have been feeling the exact same ways you described here, its good to know im not the only gay guy feeling this way. Your a good guy, thanks for helping me
❤️❤️❤️
You're a thinker. As am I. I feel like we'd be good friends if we knew eachother. Nice to know there are thoughtful gay guys out there.
I am definitely a thinker. Too much of a thinker, usually. 🥴
You are such an interesting guy and the gay community is difficult to find quality friendships. Don’t beat yourself up.
I think gay men are very visually stimulated and that is a big reason we want to look good bc we want to be desirable to other men.
Yes, but I also think A LOT of it comes from childhood complexes and insecurities (from growing up gay).
No, I think it's our gay nature to love and seek beauty in ourselves and others. We beautify our surroundings.@@KevenTalks
Loneliness is tough!
Indeed
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Story of my life
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