Still have feelings for my toxic ex?
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
- Do you still have feelings for your toxic high conflict narcissistic ex? This is more common than you think. It is difficult to understand how or why you would continue to think, maybe even long, for a person who has worked to make your life miserable. A trauma bond is what can happen in these situations and it makes it extremely difficult to heal and regain your life.
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#DSD
When somebody loves to be the victim, this is connected to narcissism. The Narcissist likes to think of themselves as suffering more than anyone else, that no one has ever suffered as much as them. And that is what is grandiose about the narcissist, it's that their suffering, them having had suffered more than anyone else is what makes them unique. Unique and different from everyone else.
True, they always have to be the victim. But to be fair I talked to a number of people who think "their ex is the worst" when in aggregate they are really just typical...
Life gets better for sure!
It takes time, but it will happen.
I too felt like I was drowning in never-ending pain (in the beginning).
I’m 5 yrs out (and away) - my life is now my own ie: I feel peacefully content.
For anyone going through the non-stop chaos involved with narcissistic abuse, please have faith that you will heal (and the hurt will stop)
It will! 💙
Outstanding Carol and thank you for sharing! It's so easy for people to fall into that catastrophic thinking and getting stuck in a loop. With work we can take back and OWN our lives again!!!
Its been nearly a year since I went no contact and blocked them and it feels like it's getting worse like especially this past few months iv been having dreams like I'm connecting and talking to them in my dream and I honestly feel like I'm going abit mad
@@Ryan_Gym
I’m so sorry to hear this.
It is normal and temporary!
Self focus and care always.
The tide will turn, however not overnight.
It’s not easy.
In time you will find peace 🙏
It took me 3 years to slowly relax and start to feel indifferent.
I’m now 8 years out and so grateful!!
@@carolb3869 thank you so much for that and ur kind words , I thought I was healing this past year then the past fee month it all came stronger like I usually always think about my ex but this while it's been extreme to the point I'm going thru the whole day trying to get on with the hurt it feels like pure pain , like a danger in my chest every moment of the day hit with helpless emotions, at night it hurts me in my sleep so I feel there's no escape, how dodbyou get thru the 3 years, can you share how you felt and how you over came it , would be very much appreciated
@@Ryan_Gym
Focus on you
Set goals
Work
If it hurts, keep going (with ur plan)
Keep life simple
Good luck!!!
You’re on the right track 👍
You have helped me so much. I love you Dwayne. I'm almost 4 years removed and doing so much better. I have found my passions again, I have done so much self improvement. Thank you so much.
Clay that is so awesome to hear! That is one of the great things about doing this channel for as long as I have - I get to see people get to the other side of this! If these topics get old make sure you sub to my outdoors channel and stay in touch over there!
I hope I’m able to post a comment like that someday, Clay. Four years in, I’m still stuck on the divorce merry-go-round of insanity.
But hope things are getting better Borna... Sounded like the last time we chatted she was continuing to implode on herself...
@@DSD oh, I didn't know you had one. I will for sure!
Self improvement or just found out who you actually are, the narcs love to remove any sense of self
Best of luck to you 💪
Even if you have no feelings for your child’s other parent, in high-conflict child custody you’re stuck in a trauma bond. You get torn between protecting yourself and protecting your child and often have no power to do either.
The most we can do is protect ourselves and try to mitigate the damage to our children.
HI DWAYNE THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS IM SEVERELY TRAUMA BONDED. I WAS HOVERED DEVALUED AND DISCARDED ALL IN ONE DAY.
NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS VERY BRUTAL. IM BEING GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT KNOW. I.M BEING TREATED LIKE I DON'T EXIST.
It's amazing how much these trauma bonds hurt and take to heal. Took me a few years to START to heal from it... That being treated like you don't exist is REALLY difficult...
@@DSD
THANK U FOR SHARING
U ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. DWAYNE.
You have to undo the programming they put you under. Reset the code and surround yourself with a support system. Drown out your memories of them with memories going out to places you like with people who are worth your time and energy. It takes time so don't be hard on yourself. If you were discarded, it hurts but it's an honor to get that silent treatment. It means they don't see you as something to play with ATM so use that time to build yourself up. You got this!
@@demigaines5644 if you're receiving the silent treatment or better yet being ghosted. That's just the best and easiest time to go no contact. Or reset your boundaries and go gray rock if that's your only option. The only option means if you have minor children with them. I'm 3 years 2 years no contact. My biggest regret was not ending it sooner.
It's very very hard to do, but, if you don't have kids with this narc, please go no contact and stay no contact. He will come around to try another hoover but please don't fall for it. Cut that person out of your life for your mental health. They do not love anyone, they're never satisfied or loyal to anyone. Now is your chance to escape, please take it and run.
The "high road" does not work with these monsters. I have stopped explaining myself to ignorant and toxic people.
Truth I took the high road . My wife saw a crack in the armor got herself a hammer then beat me verbal over the head with it. Civil yes! Not to be used as a door mat.
It’s tough and it always happens that when they see that “opening” they hit pretty hard.
Thank you for all you do, Dwayne.
Thanks so much for the support John!
Thank you Duane. 3 years post my emotional death. You save a lot of people. Just saying…
I really do try Filip!
Good sense video Duane. Couldn't agree with you more. The key is breaking the trauma bond, cognitive dissonance, and any doubt what so ever of the malevolence for sport. I only had a short stint in narc land and it effed me up. But it was after a spouse death. So I had a lot of emotional difficulty. The last thing you need in grieving is a narcissist. I cant imagine the complexity of decades. I dont see how anyone can get over it quickly. The key is finding yourself and never abandoning it again. Its funny...been five years. I'm independently better than good. The control and manipulation naivety is long gone never to be revisited. A serial victim, target, call it what you will, is not what anyone should be. Rock on brother..
Hi Brad good seeing you! Yeah it really does take some time to heal from one of these experiences - even if it is short. So glad to hear things are going well Brad!
Great video man,. I finally ended my 3 year relationship with a very violent BPD girl for the last time. I've broken up with here several times and was always drawn back by the super strong trauma bond. I kept hanging on thinking she would recover and get batter, but the truth is I just kept extending my boundaries and every time I did, she cross a new threshold. I guess I just woke up and realized it will NEVER change and after a barrage of insults, false allegations and accusations of me cheating, I had enough. I'm definitely in pain but I feel a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I'm ready to heal. No more walking on eggshells and waiting for the bomb to explode. Thank you! I just subscribed.
How did you get rid of her ? Disgsading a BPD female can be a nightmare !
This is so good. I'm having really hard time moving on some days and I needed this. Anyway, if someone is reading this, reach out to frinds so you are not alone in the shit. Just them knowing will help with "cravings".
This story resonates with both me and my husband. Thank you for your continued posts
Glad it was helpful and thank you for the support! 👍🏻
God bless you Duane what is scary is that you spend all that time with them and all along they are FAKE YOU DONT KNOW WHATS REAL and then this leads to you questioning yourself
I could have sworn I answered your comment yesterday Sy... Darn app on my phone! What you're talking about is one of the things that really screwed with my head/mind. It took me a long time to fully accept that the relationship was fake and they really didn't/never cared...
Good video Duane. One thing you learn about cluster bees is they will give you no closure. When you are ready, I recommend trying one of the techniques used to give yourself what you need. I did mine last weekend, I feel so free right now. Keep up all the good work.
Man that is great to hear!!! I know you’ve been through hell and it’s great to hear you just might be rounding the corner!
Good to see your out camping!
It was a really nice time even if only for an overnight. Did you see the video on the other channel?
@@DSD I will check it out thanks Duane :)
Outstanding! Let me know what you think - I've really been trying to make those videos better and more enjoyable to watch. Feedback would be greatly appreciate!
Spot on, and I find it crazy that you can be with someone for so long and share so much and then never speak to them ever again.
AND that all happens OVER NIGHT... It REALLY messed with my head for a long time San Law...
@@DSD Yeah mine too. X
You want the good times; but need to write down all the bad. I miss what was SUPPOSED to be.
They sure do send us down a path that takes us from our purpose...
@@DSD I bought a lotto ticket to back pack the world for a year, only saved up 20k so far in 2 years. Too long. I have been watching "Itchy Boots", she is quite inspiring.
@@roymaitland6345 man everything you said there sounds awesome. $20k in 2 years is great - I haven't been able to do that in 10 years. I'll definitely check out Itchy Boots - we all need more inspiration in life!
I have no feelings for that that. That monster LOVES this one thing: DRAMA
That is their happy place…. And they don’t grow out of that…
So so so.. right
Hey, brother.
It's been a while but I'm back. 5 years ago next month you, unknowingly, were one of my only lifelines.
I'm glad you made this video as this is where I am now. It has become intense and I think/thought I want it (her/ our family) back.
I feel like a "baby" sometimes because we were only together for about 6 years and others like you were together for decades, but we were good friends for 26 years before we got together.
Anyhow, thanks so much doing what you do. I truly thought my life was over back then. I couldn't let go for months and even thought it was some sort of sick joke and she was going to pop up for a surprise birthday party. I was in constant physical and emotional pain. Then I hated her for about 3 years and now I'm wanting her back, missing her.
Love you brother and need to get back out of desiring her. I do not understand why I have any desire for her since the mask dropped so long ago, but.... here I am.
So many elements in this video resonate with what I am going through right now. I wanted to react and share my experience by mentionning these elements and how they apply to my own situation.
I broke up with my GF of 2.5 years a bit over a week ago. Anyway, here goes :
1. "Most people do not enjoy the chaos" - This was the first sign, very early on in the relationship, that I refused to acknowledge : she creates chaos out of nowhere and seems to thrive on maintaining it until I react in a way that gets her what she wants. Although my rational mind was thinking "why on Earth would anyone WANT to create and maintain chaos?", I wanted to solve whatever probem was being thrown at me.
She created these small tragedies that convinced me that I can't be trusted and that I need to change. I panic. I give her what she wants, and the love-bombing can resume.
2. "Thank god, things have calmed down. Finally, things can get back to normal and we can have a normal life" - That is the story of my whole relationship with this woman. I can't count the number of times I said this to myself "last time was different, but THIS time, we're on track..." until, out of the blue, we weren't.
3. "These people all have to be the victim" - She has NEVER apologized wholeheartedly for her behavior. If she felt she was losing me, she would give me a backhanded apology that made me feel like her reaction was that of a victim defending herself... and I would take her out to dinner to apologize.
4. "They can't just say this didn't work out" - Naive I was to think that by breaking up with her by expressing that we want different things in life, that I had some great times with her and that I didn't think we were emotionally compatible, that she would respectfully and mutually agree to part ways. She has since alternated from scathing, defamatory messages to tender I miss U's and back again when I respectfully suggested we stop messaging to power through our grieving seperately.
5. "If the person were to act the way we would want them to be, we would go back" - Yes. I went through so many unacceptable behaviors, snapping, silent treatment and emotional abuse until I could not take it anymore, and it lead to the break up. After our last "fight", I would have gone back in an instant if she had sent me a simple text saying "Sorry I was rude to you last night". Even though there was already a history of emotional abuse cycles, I would have written it off as a misunderstanding.
6. "My life is so much better now" - Not mine, not yet. But I've been down this road before with my kids' mom. After she left, I felt terrible, and then I found PEACE... until I met this woman. So I know better days are ahead.
7. "When people give you advice like "take the high road"... - My parents who, unlike me, were probably never dumb enough to hang on to toxic people told me to try to patch thing up, to invite her for coffee or a walk or whatever. I remember thinking "you guys have no idea how her mind works. She is not interested in problem-solving. She just wants to see me crawl"
Sorry for the lengthy comment. I guess what I'm trying to say is : thanks for this video, and here's to the end of chaos.
when you establish and hold boundaries, they will lose their 💩 and start telling you that you are unhinged, disordered and "playing the victim". you can't win. just get away. manage as much no contact as child custody allows.
Yep... Boundaries will send them off the rails...
I for sure have a trauma bond with my still wife. We're you only 3months+ out of the separation stage. She moved another man into our home, had an ectopic pregnancy with him, & is partying & drinking with the boyfriend & multiple men around. So hard and heartbreaking, her actions & betrayal. But whatever, I love in a group recovery home now while she's living the high life. We are in communication everyday & I still talk to my daughter trapped in the middle of this & see her on the weekends. So hard being in these circumstances.
My name is Bond. Trauma Bond. :)
Hi Duane, just checking in today to see how things are going.
Good, it seems! I hope you're doing fine!
I doing quite fine myself.
And great video as usual!
Cheers,
Tim
Lol nice Tim that made me laugh! 😂
Thanks for sharing your experiences and what you've learned. After listening to so many different perspectives especially clinical, your information is so clearly sharing from the heart and just what it feels like as you begin to discover the truth of these situations. You find you are actually needing to end things with two people not just one - the illusion and the real person behind the curtain. Once you begin to understand it and get past the emotional part a bit you can't unsee it. It's been a painful mind warping journey. I'm finding the more information I gather that allows one to go back and see things with a new perspective it continues to make it easier everyday once I began to understand what happened.
I love that you used the analogy of dealing with phantom pain after losing a limb, i had to see him as an infected wound that spread and required me to amputate.
Hi Duane. Thanks for this video. 8 months since I was discarded and 2 weeks since divorce was finalized. The trauma bond was severe for first 6 of the 8 months but now I feel a little bit of peace. The great thing is I found out who really was in my support system, dumped the flying monkeys, and I also found new friends to help me through this.
Congratulations on the finalized divorce AJ. Peace is outstanding. Just watch out for an emotional crash - oftentimes once we are "done" and we feel like things are finally over our subconscious decides NOW is the time to process everything that we've been unable to for the last X amount of time.
Hi Duane. How are you? what are your plans for mothers days this weekend? I have been watching a lot of videos from Gabriel Bernstein. she is a life coach, meditation teacher, writer, among many other things . Her latest book which I think you should check for yourself the title of the book is Happy days, The guide path from Trauma to profound healing and inner peace. she has plenty of great tools to use to help you heal from any type of trauma . Please consider checking her suff . Her name is Gabriel Bernstein .
The villain plays the victim very well
After 3 years no contact, multiple times in court and continuing all I see is an emotionally stunted idiot who will never win anything as the truth will prevail
The mind games continue via the kids, the abuse still continues
I'm still 100% no contact on my part I think it drives the anger more than anything
Keep up the great channel 👍 it does help alot of people
Interesting Depp divorced 6 years ,I didn't know that.I have been separated for nearly that period .Last week I received a talking to from a friend about moving on .She was trying to be helpful but it upset me greatly and brought up everything about our destructive relationship.I felt I was on trial for accepting my exes bad behaviour , my friend kept saying why did you tolerate that from her .Its over but I will never forgive myself for over 20 years of abuse that I tolerated .She also said why don't I go out and date and show your ex you are in demand.I cant believe you brought this up after my mental health chat with my friend last week.
That right there is exactly what I’m talking about. And I think we all react the way you describe. I know for me it sent me into a trail spin and depression that was difficult to get out of. I do think they are trying to be helpful but they just don’t understand. Hang in there man you sound like you are on track, it just takes a really long time. Hope this channel can help you get the support you need to work through all of this!
The trauma bond is hellacious. It’s like a drug addiction and having to break that addiction..but it can be broken, and once you break it, it’s so freaking freeing. But it’s especially hard to find a balance when that person cheated, multiple times, one of those he cheated with was pregnant before the divorce was final and they married the same year we got divorced. The first year we were apart was just massive chaos and a constant sh** show. It honestly took me a long time to realize she did me a HUGE favor by taking him off my hands
My mum died just over a year ago & her best friend who is in her 30’s ended up connecting with me and we got close, became friends and just comforted each other during the loss of her mum & best friend I also lost my mum, eventually we become friends with benefits and it went on from there for 9 months, she ended up calling things off with me over text saying she needed space and time to be alone, within a week she was with someone else & he broke up with her on the anniversary of her mums death, now she’s already seeing someone else and yet I still feel attached to her & I know it’s a trauma bond and would’ve never worked anyway but yet the feelings are still there, it’s been 20 weeks since she called it off and I still feel the same after one week. I know it’s dumb and yet I can’t change how I feel, it sucks.
Thank You!
Thank you for your support Christina
I really needed to hear this 🤣 I'm subscribing
These are facts that ppl should make a firm decision about their ex so they know how to move forward..👍🏾
I wasnt perfect by any means but good lord, the evil, hurtful things they say to your face with such passion is beyond understanding. This person you loved, cared for for years and years shows you this side thats been there the whole time... im sure thats what you mean by the person behind the mask..
One time I heard her talk like this, with that hateful passion in her voice. She had to give me a ride home from work, 5 minutes down the road. She forgot to hang up, I stayed on the phone. I heard her, just like she sounded at he end, with such evil and hatred in her tone, "I haaaate you, i f****ng haaaate you.".. I never brought it up to her.. when she arrived almost an hour late to pick me up, she seemed 'normal'.
Im here cause I for some reason miss her. I miss the passionate relations, holding her, even though the entire relationship was on her terms, she was so hurtful and mean, i still want to reach out to her..
Ive been from so sad, hurt, angry, regretful that I let her go, to sure that her being one is the healthiest way forward for me to now missing her. I loved her so deeply and Im sure its the trauma talking.
Thanks for the pep talk, I need many but im happy there are people like you to connect with cause NO ONE understands this. Unless you went through it, you feel like a fool explaining it to people.
Wow this is so accurate
You at least I did felt I was going to die and I would have if I didn't get away from the devil it gets better agree dating isn't an option you don't need to prove anything to anyone and rebounding isn't good or an option agree same situation different different day
So true sy! Plus if you can navigate that the payoff is true peace!
It’s a horrible feeling. You’re pining for an abuser, or what u thought u had or could have had if they weren’t evil
Yeah so true man... It really screws with your head.
I think when your enmeshed with the abuser/toxic person it changes your brain chemistry and takes a lot of work to get sorted out. I saw all the red flags but for some weird reason I froze at times fled from this person, but because he had cancer I kept going back to help! Until I realized I didn’t like him or what it was doing to me. I unmasked the monster and he raged, he’d been trying to get married and thankfully I caught the lies and mirroring. So I’ve experienced this before so I think it felt familiar, that’s why I kept going back it was only a few months. Still impacted me, just have to be very careful about people.
I can relate to this story. She left me and then cam back almost immediately after she saw I wasn’t going to chase her. We tried it out again and led to nothing but stress and drama and the blame game. She has zero accountability and knows how to manipulate me well. She uses her daughter as a manipulation tactic and I am scared of her. She triggers me and I tend to loose control of myself which leads to bad choices. I know I have my trauma I have to work on still which is why this affects me very deeply. The first woman I proposed to ever and we almost got married.
Thanks brotha I needed this
Do u do private councilling Dwayne ?
Just want to say, great video. In the winter last year i went through a breakup, we were together 12 years, 2 kids. In the summer I got myself a new house, and a new job AND I met this new girl. She totally lovebombed me, promising gold and green meadows, I felt a connection like I never had in my life. After a time her being more and more cold and warm, back and forth... She broke up with me. We texted a little in the winter... No contact until April, she texted ne, convinced me that she's more stable and she started idealize me, and i got sucked in again. My gut feeling told me something was off though... And suddenly in june, she went bye bye again, in just matter of 3 days, i was the best thing to ever happened to her, then something she dont need in her life.
Yeah, i feel like shit. Got suckered twice, and I don't know it even was real, just a show. And I even miss her, the highs was so great... and god, the sex.
SO listen to this video!
I have gone no cintact just over a year and i still feek stuck i get on witb my life neeo buay but they are on my mind 24 7 !,£ my emotions r all over the place , past few month i stsrted having dreams about them like i was being hunted by them , them talking to me nd visiting me in my dreams , am i going kinda mad ??? Please help
I got a question.What do I do with my borderliners Stuff cause she won't come for it, I only asked her once and I went full. No contact actually radio silence. And thank you, this video really helps.
Hi I've reached out to you a couple times you made a video for me in October of 2019 called jealous of the narcissist new partner I believe it was, and then I spoke with you in a livestream over the phone talking about my relationship it helped. But now I find myself recently feeling sad and without purpose and alone, I've improved my work and got into a new career and increased my pay by alot, and I live on my own. But I sometimes feel so sad how my ex life seemed to soar and she has a big Brady bunch family and lots of friends to turn to but me I've lost my grandmother, my dad, and my mom all after she left me.. and when I seen her with her new man they went on so many vacations and outings posting everything on Facebook, I made a mistake last year in the summer and seen they are still together alot longer than me and her lasted... I wonder if the problem was just me and the new guy could just provide more of a lifestyle or image to match better with her and her family.
Hi Chris, I just recorded a video on this comment - it's uploading now. I'll release it as soon as it is complete. Hang in there buddy, I think the video will be helpful for you.
@@DSD wow God bless you I thank you so much :)
Okay it will drop in about 30 minutes - hopefully you received the notification. Here is the direct link - ruclips.net/video/seQjDj2FSmE/видео.html - I will be on the chat during the premiere of the video.
@@DSD okay and thank you I'm looking forward to you're thoughts
Johnny Depp did hit her, so she’s allowed to cry about it. What she’s not allowed to do is minimize her abuse towards him. They are both disgusting people.
Looking cool Dwayne...Got a solution to my Narc/Bpd ex..Can i burrow your hunting rifle ? Lol
I get made to feel like I should be better by now, I’m not and it’s hard. 1 step forward and 10 steps back. He left me for good and I have to co-parent which Is very triggering for me.
Yeah it’s really tough and it can make you feel like something is really wrong with you. Unfortunately it takes a long time to heal from this especially when there are constant reminders happening. That makes it even longer. Hang in there. It does get easier and better with enough time and work/healing.
I see a lot of people giving their two cents on the J DEPP case . I don't really care what they have to say about it . Your opinion and perspective would be appreciated tho 🙏
Thanks Deven I appreciate you saying that... I will probably do a summary video on this train wreck of a relationship and trial. My hope is that no matter the "official" outcome that Johnny is a winner in this. I think enough has been exposed that most people know she lied...
He cheated so many times and wants to come back like I'm the one with the problem. It's very confusing at times because he brings up the good times and really they weren't that good he was always focused on himself he would never like to see me happy one time before he cheated he said don't get to high up . I know why now , he walked out one day out of the blue to cheat and I still kept taking him back, he said he never cheated but he was texting woman to meet them .!!!
R.I.P Kevin Samuels😎
Just heard that yesterday. Man he was young and seemed to be in great shape. I didn’t really watch much of his content. What’s really sad is how haters can even take a pause to respect that a person unexpectedly passed away. RIP Kevin!
I miss her so much idk she treated me sp bad bit I love her and I don't know what to do she was my best friend she was a horrible person but I l9ve her idk what to do
She's cheated on me and after that I still l wanted to be with her and she was so mean 💔
🙌🏻
🌞🍀❤️
Thanks denifreed0m
I wanted to be plugged to the Matrix
I think everyone goes through that, wanting to go back to the pain you knew instead of this new pain. It takes a while - took me a couple of years hopefully won't take you that long.
Thank you!