Are You Too Needy?
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- Опубликовано: 27 окт 2022
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Having needs and wanting others to meet some of those needs doesn't make you needy. There is a line between being a more healthy amount of needy, and when your needs can be too much for another person to meet. Here I teach you how to know if you're too needy - and what to do if your neediness is becoming problematic in your most important relationships.
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I'm not close to anyone anymore. I can't think of anyone I've not been betrayed by. Loneliness gets comfortable.
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Stop looking for pity. Noone cares. I know that feels hurtful. I don't mean it that way. I want you to become your own best friend. Just fall in love with you.
See what happens next.🌝
Don't get into the "it feels good to feel bad". Syndrom
I'm not looking for pity..not from you either.Just like you don't care about me...I don't care about your opinion. Go love yourself.just.because no one cares about you doesn't mean they don't care about me.
Hey, are you around or beyond 50?! Don’t let get yourself freezing out by your hormones😅be careful, please. This comfortable loneliness is tricky, it can be a trap, don’t let you get down by the monster😢 Eat, sleep, go to the gym, feel awesome and be with friends🎉Closeness comes unexpectedly 😊❤
Be good to yourself, heal, and move on to be the best you, you can be.
This resonated with me in so many ways. I am one that has unrealistic expectations in certain friendships and it usually ends badly for both of us. This happens with same sex friendships and opposite sex friendships. I am learning to trust myself and to love myself more which is causing a positive shift in my relationships with others. I think it is also important to look at how giving someone else is in a relationship and being honest about that. Some people take all the time and don’t give much. There should be an equal balance there. My wife and I have been very good with this, especially in recent years. She is very supportive and encouraging and I try to be with her also. Friendships should be a two-way street.
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I love how in-depth, clear, and concise you are with your content. I honestly learned more from you than my time in both pre and post secondary schools.
It seems like it is universal to feel like we need others to continue with life. I have a dad who is insecure and relies on my mom for security, even if my mom doesn't want to but my dad will get upset if she doesn't cater to him. I think it's stemming from a lack of sense of self.
As a suggestion, can you do a video about favouritism and how to handle it if you are the one not being given equal attention?
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Leslie - and yes, I will take that topic suggestion into consideration.
I'm one minute in and already felt the need to say something. A lot of us (myself included) have tried to include others in our lives only to be disappointed and rejected numerous times. Now, at 40 years old and recently divorced, I HAVE to be the sole provider of my needs. I have no close friends. I've had to navigate all of this on my own. I try to make friends but all anyone wants to do is share on Facebook, no one wants to sit down and have a real conversation anymore. Aside from joining sports clubs (I don't play sports) taking classes (all closed in my area still due to covid) the only socialization I get is talking to my kids and going to work. I'm going to end up a very, very lonely woman...I can try to fight it and end up frustrated and lonely or I can learn to take care of my own needs and move on with life. It's saddens me that at 40, I've completely given up on the life that I thought I was going to live but it is what it is🤷 As much as we need other people in our lives, sometimes we don't have a choice but to do it on our own. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. Can everyone change it? No. It is definitely not my choice to be alone
You will find someone that will love you and take care of your needs someday. Don't lose hope sunshine. Have a little faith. There is some good people out there.
@@dalejoreye839 Why these empty words? You don't know if she will find anyone. Toxic positivity is NOT cool.
@@Whoeverwhateverwhenever lol
In a similar situation and podcast by the name of "Flying Free" with Natalie iHofman has been an online support I've found very helpful, although I think in person would be better, but sounds like you could find it helpful too.
@Shannon Calder I can relate to what you are dealing with. I’m also 40 and divorced last year. I only have one really close friend right now. I have been mistreated by so many people, when all I ever done was be kind, giving and loyal to them. At times I feel like I am undesirable and unwanted because I’m forgotten about or overlooked. I am trying to get out of this mindset through counseling. I am intelligent, responsible, creative and a person of integrity. It seems none of that matters to anyone else. I am an introvert, so it’s very difficult for me to meet people. I also want people to have a real conversation with, but like you said it’s rare now. There are times that I would like to date again, but I know the odds of me finding anyone is very slim. It is discouraging at times, but I do enjoy my alone time and my hobbies. It is unhealthy to be alone. We need human interaction with one another. We need to feel like we matter and are loved. I really hope something falls into place for you one day. I know how frustrating it is.
You are teaching me things about myself that have not clicked for me so clearly. Please keep doing what you are doing and being you. You are speaking to my heart and my soul with every video of yours I have watched thus far. I just came across your videos this weekend. I have not been able to stop watching your videos during so much of my spare time. I resorted to putting my earbuds in while I sleep with your videos on. I set the volume low enough for me to sleep but loud enough for me to hear. I need your knowledge, skills, and lessons you teach into my conscious and subconscious. Thank you with all my heart
I’am going to binge watch all of your videos today while I work on my business ❤ Thank you
This was so helpful today. Working on learning to be alone and not worrying that no one cares. I’m always reaching out to others and I’m learning patience to allow others to reach out to me. I like how you said learn to be significant to yourself. Thank you. 💕
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Wowzers! Julia - this was deep! And coming at 32:41, this felt like a more like an in-depth masterclass! I have very thorough notes for this one! Thanks for taking your time for making this much NEEDED video...sounds like I am too needy already! LOL This was a great reminder. I needed to look over things and reflect on them.
My own take away is trying to figure out how I can get into a better balance of needing connection because I don’t have any friends in a physical space at the moment. They are mostly all online friends. I don’t mind being a lone but I do crave and need more physical friendships and be relational in that way. I don’t have the community connection with certain people I once had and my best friend became estranged and abandon me. I think I need to find that balance because I do belief that my connection with people is off. It is unfortunate that some of the best friends I have met are only online and live 1000s of miles away.
My Notes:
*Yes we have to meet our own needs but also acknowledging the importance of needing other people too.
*Our needs for love, connection, feel seen, feel valued, feel significant, needs to feel worthy. Yes we need to meet these needs on ourselves but also others because we are relational beings.
*There signs for being TOO NEEDY.
*Signs of being too needy are:
*Always fishing for compliments: (okay to receive compliments but not seek out in an anxious way. Laying hints or passive aggressive or always asking for affirmations or putting yourself down to try to get someone to build you up. You feel bad about yourself if you don't receive it) We can give that to ourselves.
*You get overly jealous when someone you are close with is also close with other people: Your partner, your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend or good friend. This can lead to co-dependence. All or nothing relationship with a person. I only need that person and that person only needs me. Feel good about who were are to be more confident and secure.
*You get depressed when you have time for yourself: Yes we do need relationships and connection, but if you always need people and can never be alone and if you are you to go into a deep state of depression and anxiety. Have a balance of connection and alone time.
*Getting really anxious when someone you know (partner, best friend or family member) are not with you: If the person hasn't giving you any reason not to trust them, and you are still feeling anxious and worried and worked up when they are not with you and a fear of abandonment, that is too much neediness. We are meant to have other people, space, jobs, alone time, hobbies…etc…
*If you overshare in new relationships: if you are out on coffee or romantic date with someone and oversharing everything about you and very personal details. The relationship isn't deep and mature enough to hold the capacity of all these very personal things about you. Trying to attach yourself to person right away without the relationship growing into that naturally and over time. Have and know your boundaries.
*If you can't make decisions on your own: Always looking for other people's validation, permission or approval before you decide things. Yes there are times like major purchases you can developed your own thoughts on that and also ask for feedback from others. (e.g. Buying a house) or small decisions like buying coffee and asking for feedback on a flavor. Build self-trust and confidence on your own decisions for your own life.
*If you are constantly texting or calling someone and expect them to get back to you immediately: You get anxious, angry or upset if they don't. If you need people to get back to you and if they are not, what are you making that mean? They ignore me. I am unlovable. Don't care about me. I am not important. I am not good enough…etc…(Okay to follow up on something important and time sensitive or missed a text or call) Them not replying in a time that you wish doesn't mean they don't care, love or value you. Be patient.
*Overall, it all comes back to having a healthy relationship with ourselves.
To anyone and everyone reading this - don't forget what a worthy person you are and the value you have. Let us all build our relationship with ourselves and then we can have a healthy relationship with others! We got this! ❤
I know, I was thinking the same thing! In a 30 minute video Julia covered so much in a clear, concise, and direct manner. Amazing
@@lesliengo8347 Yes grateful to her to give so much time and information in one video! She is such a hard worker!
Hi Chris!!
Thank you so much for your notes!! It's great for me to see it written in an organized way.
@@kirstenvzumba9246 Hi friend!! 👋
Thank you so much for you time and effort to make these videos...I'm from Israel and we have a terrible times here and this is so helpful ❤
Not even finished watching and you are putting my thoughts and worries to rest just knowing you're opening up this topic💜✌️🦋🙏
Did you find the talk helpful?
You reminded me I still have work to do on myself. I've always felt disposable and instantly replaceable with any woman I was with. But that just stays buried in my subconscious as I continue along in life. Probably not healthy.
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Thanks Julia. I love taking notes from you.
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Thanks, really useful and well presented, reinforced what I already knew but always a pleasure to listen to you:)
Great to hear it. You're welcome - thanks for being here.
Thank you Julia!! It's so good to have this clarified! I sometimes wonder if wanting to have my legitimate needs met makes me "needy", and when the line is crossed from wanting legitimate needs met into the realm of "neediness".
I've found that honestly (with myself and my family/friends) helps so much! Realizing that I feel a need for connection or to be heard and then to ask that person if they have the time and willingness to meet that need
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Appreciate you taking the time to explain these points which are informative. Love every insight you give. Love you Julia.
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You’re such a help. ❤
THANK YOU❤
Thank you Julia My ears pricked up when you mentioned feedback and getting other peoples opinions I can relate to that sometimes :-)
Really glad that part connected Carole.
So glad I found your channel ❤
That thing you said about texting and getting anxious about it spoke to me. When I text or message anyone, I know it can take many days. It depends on who it is.
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Thank you for your voice of reason, it's good to hear from you.
You're so welcome Amy. Thanks for being here.
great , go on❤❤
Sending love and support to all.have a blessed day everybody xo
Thanks! You too.
@@juliakristinamah thank you 😊 xx
Great video, Julia! It has helped me see many things I have to handle differently from now onwards. It does help to do some introspection on you and be aware of things I have to change in my life . Thank you ever so much! This video is so well explained and useful, well done, you, Julia. 😄🧡
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I have struggled with Codependency in my young adult life. I have learned and grown from how to be ok with being by myself and not always feeling the need to be around a specific person and if I wasn't, not feeling OK with me. The one thing that resonated with is needing validation from my boyfriend more than I should sometimes. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I need approval for things that I probably should be ok with if I didn't get approval or help with making a decision about something that is not that important but I somehow make it more important than it needs to be. Thank you for making these videos!
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It's like you are reading my thoughts. I worry often that I might be crossing over the line of wanting a healthy amount of need and being too needy. I worry about that from having an emotionally unavailable mother. She, herself, was emotionally neglected in favor of her brother.
It can be a tough balance to strike - especially when we weren't taught healthy interdependence while growing up. I see you doing the work, though and I trust that as you do, it will all become more clear.
Another great video! 😀
Thanks so much Brenda - good to have you here.
My social relationships world is pretty small. But I like it this way. Now I only have one close friend with whom I can talk about deep stuff.
I meet my social needs mostly at work. Aswell I have a counsellor- it helps. As I get older my relationships are more about connection. sometimes I meet people with whom I just click. I dont have enough energy for people I see as in some way abusive or full of themselves with totally different values to mine. Ive bought your book Julia. these videos are of great help. thank you
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This whole lesson was paydirt for me. Thank You Very Much
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Hello Julia Kristina, good evening! I greet you with pleasure in this new time, hoping you are fine in health 🍎. I want to tell you that this is the video I like more of yours. Even it's large, it worths much to watch it several times. Congratulations for your work as a adviser on RUclips. Have a wonderful weekend, wherever you are! Greetings and blessings 🤗💐🙏 from Sonora, México 🇲🇽. PD.- Sorry for my possible mistakes in my writing.
The not having close friends except me has hit home, as dealt with this with my girlfriend. But my argument was not only what Julia has mentioned, also that she had feeling for him as they had casual sex together- claiming her heart was reserved for me. I told that contact needed to be cut off for both parties to grow. They shared in a truamizing experience of being cheated on and unloved by their former partners. I believe they both deserved so much more. I don't believe I was jealous, but won't label it as that as I'm curious. For context, the relationship with my girlfriend is decent. And her therapist cautioned that she can't have heart for 2 men. Thanks for assisting in the sorting of this
After much selfworth & assertiveness work, I still find it hard or embarrassing to ASK FOR HELP. It may be about sick Pride or Neediness & I'm trying to reach out more often but live alone now & am OK with being a Loner. I never was a People Person yet I'm also very NEEDY. Early childhood emotional damages explain most of that along with some genetic items so I'm happy to find Julia
Andrea -florida
Thank you so much 🙏
Yes. I’m needy and clingy, just ask my couch. Dont see it much these days 😁! Good talk, cheers!
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Yes. I have put myself down alot recently. It's a habit to break.
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Great video 👍
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Oh my gosh… I fall into every category here. Lol. So I can see all of this yet how do I truly believe I’m ok and move away from this neediness. I’m 68.
Hi Julia. Longer video today. Lots of good info.
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Always!!! Almost like you’re not a complete person unless you do this
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Nothing is wrong with being a little bit needy. "Your job to meet your own needs" is complete bs. If I am scared, unsure, anxious...and he doesn't care and can't find time to talk to me, why should I date him?
Exactly, I agree with you 100%
I love having time with me.
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I’m really proud of myself. The only one that I have to work on is Oversharing. can you make more videos about that?
Yes! Thanks for the suggestion.
I can say that i have fallen in to the oversharing portion of wanting the person to get to know you and it is really hard to hold back when you feel you have nothing to hide. But I think the biggest conflict is when you are Extroverted and you are looking to connect with conversation and interaction and the other person is an Introvert and cannot handle your energy. So they then look at you as too much and just reject you for being considered "Needy" to them without trying to build an understanding on both sides. Then the feeling of rejection just sets in and is hard to get past and that Need of Love or Connection still leaves a big hole.
Am I overly needy ? Yes I am and it does not feel good. Very good video
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Thankyou🙂
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Your videos are valuables, if you can talk about When you tend to like a person so fast even though you don’t know them a lot that would be a great topic.
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nope, never needy, i can take or leave people, even in my relationships.
Now you just have to see if this is from a place of compassion understanding and love or numbness & fear ... If it's not coming from a Higher plaid it's the later
I’ve been told that it’s my job to meet my own needs Julia.
Yes and no. I hope this video made it more clear.
I think it’s important to take responsibility for yourself but that includes asking for help, guidance, assistance, compassion, comfort, comedy, touch, joy… and fun in a social way. Humans are social animals. We get 🐿 squirrelly when we’re lonely.
Has anybody experienced a cycle of neediness? The kind of cycle that keeps perpetuating itself. The neediness is pushing people away resulting in or neediness. It starts with one friend and then two, and as you get older friends just become harder to find. Then the bitterness sets in. How do you break this cycle?🤔
Yes i am working on my being anxious needy energy.
Alot of it came from traumas at least i am aware of it .
And doing the enternal work.
Fear of abandenment , shame lack of support not being validated in childhood .
I think that as an empath you kinda leave yourself before other leave us .
I dont know if i am codipendent .
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Modern day life is or has become very solitary🤔
Yes I've seen this
I agree. Have you read the book Attached? They make the case that couples actually become biologically dependent on each other.
I am an introvert and like solitude but when I finally get it I'm bored or feel unloved. I go both ways with being alone.🤔
Thank you very much Julia
I feel like I am a needy person, but what are some of the steps to help us not be dependent on others?
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Learning to enjoy my own company has been very helpful for me.
In my teens and the first couple of young adult years I felt the need to hang out with people all the damn time, and I felt like crap when I was alone. Nowadays I like being by myself.
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My mother tells me to meet my own needs.
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I love having time to myself Julia I’m an introvert.
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Julia can you make a video about narcissism and why people who are narcissistic have a lot of insecurities in them
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Grazie da Milano
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Sometime I think the need for others are biases and manipulations for the intent to rob a significant value seen in someone who sets value in living. As we know the old thief stick his nose in everything. As a child of the truth we can swell the lier of misconception and be dismissed. For he that is in us is greater than he that is in the world.
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Can this also work on a sliding scale ? There are times in life where you are more needy then other times , and do need more care and support .
To slowly help myself with this , I began by saying , there are some things you can do or say to be there for myself , and other times when needing support or help trying to be ok with that too .. trying .
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Can you please share a video of how to read people accurately!!!
I’ve been in patterns of meeting shitty people, some friends, some acquaintances. Or just somehow being friends with people who dont give equal effort. I got myself in therapy, did so much work and still keep meeting shitty people. I know there are people like that, but how i judge them from first instance and dont get involved?
All at first seem nice. But how do you judge/read them ??? Help 😩😩😔
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I’m okay with some alone time Julia.
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I felt like my ex-friend Becky Keena was to needy and I had to be her therapist.
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❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
How much is the shift society?
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That’s how I lost one of my good friends by being too needy
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My ex-friend Becky Keena would get upset if I didn’t call her or text her back right away.
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I do weird things
It’s me hi I’m the problem it’s me
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Dont act like men arent disposable look at that the world
These are wonderful observations of human behavior and ego deconstruction but if you remain in the mind you will still suffer your mind.. maybe not as much but you will still suffer when you identify in personhood.. Until one learns to identify with their highest self surrendering and extending compassion and understanding for the finite person inner peace cannot exist🙏👁🤍🙌
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