Thank you for all your videos. This may be a different topic, but I feel we that we may share too much even with the people closest to us. There is a friend I exercise with. I have known her a long time. I noticed when I would share things going on with me, I would go away feeling bad. I now keep it a superficial relationship. I am much happier. I think it is wise to be cautious to sharing with even people that are close to us. Thank you for all your do.
Trying to gauge that parallel can be hard. Sometimes I mistake a more surface level relationship for a deeper one. The heart-wrenching things about sharing at the parallel level of the intimacy is that sometimes we only have relationships that are surface level. We don’t have any relationships that can withstand the flood gates or the deepest parts of us, but we need those deepest parts to be heard. There’s a desperate outcry to be heard; and that desperation can breed really impractical solutions. I’m still trying to figure out what the best thing to do is when we feel like the information we need to share is too loaded for any of our relationships to handle. Stifling oneself doesn’t seem healthy, but neither does choosing a stranger and dumping everything on them. Hmm... I don’t know!
Julia Kristina Counselling I’m a 55 year old survivor of multiple emotional, psychological and sexual traumas since childhood. I now understand that I am a codependent suffering from PTSD or C-PTSD. I was always over sharing and it usually did not turn out well. I think I did this because I was looking for clarification and conformation that my experiences mattered. I was looking for answers outside myself because I didn’t know who I was or why I kept repeating the same patterns of behavior that were unhealthy and lead to toxic relationships. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. I thought this was what you were supposed to do, that everyone was like this. I’m learning now, I’ve just started to shift though my life and heal myself. As a codependent it’s hard because deep down you have this underlying fear of existing of not being good enough, of failure and you just want someone to hold you and make your boo boo’s go away.
As an autistic person, who's wired differently, I don't relate to this much at all. It seems like neuroticism to me, though I know it's not, and is an overly complicated way to live one's life. We autistic people are not wired the same and so other autistic people might get this. I don't. I don't have the levels of deep described here. I'm more like an inverted iceberg and that's not because I feel all out of control in regard to my emotions. Being an inverted iceberg, being open, feels calm and normal to me though I understand it can freak out others (because others often feel like quid pro quo of intimacy is required). Things just don't seem deep. There's a difference between discomfort and distress. When I'm in distress, that's a clear indication that I need to share with someone who cares for me. But I'm not often in distress. I've noticed thought that neurotypical people often upcycle discomfort into distress perhaps because they have difficulty sharing and figure sharing is an indication of distress. It's difficult for me to figure out the levels described here because it's not part of my experience. I don't experience my feelings as deep and dark or shameful and scary (for the most part, that's a rare experience). I experience myself as fully human having a human experience. Of course, I've experienced the reactions from others noted in your video but more often, they barely know me, share and say things like "I've NEVER shared this with another person," and end up with an emotional hangover. Then, they behave as if I were someone they got drunk with and did bad things with and so must be avoided. And I might have shared something that felt very minor to me, so minor that I can't even remember what it was that may have made them feel like they were safe in the moment. Of course they are safe with me, but they don't know that. Why? Because they saw me be open and behave as if something they thought was deep and possibly scary was not, and so there must be a fear that I'll not keep their deep/scary feelings to myself when I will (because I understand that this is consistent with the needs of most people). The dance of intimacy/trust that neurotypical people engage in (the parallel depths of relationship) is something I have a difficult time understanding. Even when neurotypical people show me the steps, I have difficulty catching on because we appear to be listening to a different tunes, the timing is off, and their dance steps therefore don't make sense to me. Of course I seem out of step to them too. Knowing that neurotypical people are like this--so cognizant of the dance and likely to be freaked out, take offense, assume mental imbalance, distrust motive, and so on when others misstep--makes me not want to engage with others in general. I truly don't want to violate other people's boundaries, and given that it's late in life and I've yet to be able to translate this stuff so that it makes sense to my experience, I feel like I should just retire from human interaction rather than risk further insult. I'm pretty tired of not fitting in and being expected to make sense of all of the fears that direct human interaction when I don't share those fears and they simply don't make sense given my wiring. I found the video depressing. It reinforced my worst fears about neurotypical people. As an aside: Dirty laundry? My mind cannot wrap around that concept. Indeed, that sounds like shaming to me.
I think I overshare because I feel desperate. Not helpful tho...I overshare even when people are pushy or seem to not understand me, it makes me think that this way I'll be more understood but I feel pathetic afterwards.
I had a phase like this. When a person is committed to not understanding then no matter how many words you use, you will still be misunderstood. I think that you should embrace that awkward silence that comes when you don’t want to share. Let’s say someone is pushy. “Did you and your boyfriend have an argument?” “Yeah...” “So what is happening now? Are you better ?” “Yeah...we are okay” (Typically you will say yeah and go into great detail who said what). If they are silent giving you space to go into detail. Just remain silent or change the subject. No one has to push you to over share any more than you want to share.
@@dj912sent9 I either get stared at, either they focus on someone else, ignoring me, pretending I am not even there. Maybe they think this might help me with the anxiety and awkward behavior that happens during my oversharing. Others insult me and judge me based on the things I said but still want me around to frustrate me....I feel like I'm always pointed at... It's hard to change the subject when people don't really have much in common and focus on what is wrong with my life. >.< I got misunderstood once I stopped people pleasing, that's how I see it, so I am less 'likeable'.
Sookie You don’t have to overshare if you don’t want too. They want you around because your overhearing makes you very relatable. They probably don’t share because they are afraid of being judged by others. Anytime you will start placing some boundaries some will stick and other people will be in your life less than before. That is normal and okay. The work starts within yourself. Being okay to not answer and share what you don’t want to share. Embrace that awkward silence that comes with you not over sharing. People judge either way. Their opinions are just opinions and they don’t change who you are as a person. You have placed too much value in other people’s opinions and what they think of you. Bring that value down. Increase the value in how you see yourself and how comfortable you are in your own skin. Your opinion of you matters most.
@@dj912sent9 Thank you very much Roxy! You are right, I hope I can integrate the 'being ok with' part, I feel like I'm such a fool sometimes, I have moments when I can't think straight because of my anxiety. Best wishes!
another tip how to figure out what's appropriate sharing is to notice when we feel other people overshare information with us - it can be things like revealing mental health issues or asking relationship advice at the start of a relationship
Definitely can relate as an Aspie. I tend to lean toward undersharing, which is interestingly kind of the opposite from many on the spectrum, at least how I see it.
Ugh... yes... I've had a couple of moments in my life where I had a false feeling of safety/comfort and shared too much. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just rewind and tidy life up once in a while? lol
I’m a very awkward person and I tend to over share with people or not share at all (plus I get vulnerability hangovers a lot). I say what just pops into my head, to try too keep the conversation going and to seem like a interesting person. I don’t know why and I just need help with this :/
I am a very private person in private relationships.. because i fear abandonment. Instead, i overshare with strangers bc i dont really care if they will reject me..
Hmmm...your comment has me wondering if I do the same?! I never thought of this before but this is what I do too... thanks for the insight! It makes sense because I come from childhood neglect/ volatile family upbringing and have abandonment problems. This is something to think about.
Elyz 98_ I’ve also shared personal stuff with a stranger who I felt a connection with. I figure I’ll probably never see them again but maybe they were sent my way to share my hurts. Sometimes it’s much easier to share with a stranger.
This is so recognisable, I overshare so easily and I always regret it immediately! What works for me is focusing the conversation on the other: if you are honestly interested in them, you won’t overshare as quickly, because you would like to listen more than talk. And it will give you some idea of how much the other person is willing to share, so that you can figure out how deep the relationship is between you and the other. Lots of love from the Netherlands 🇳🇱
I never regret oversharing, but I should, because opening up my mind too fast makes horny people think I'll do the same with my legs. Eww. I couldn't find the motivation to listen, but I have to even if I'm too needy to care for anyone else than me, because that's how I can know who's a danger and who can become a friend. Thank you for making me notice that.
Excellent topic Unfortunately any time I have opened up and shared to the wrong people it has backfired. I have learned the hard way that people can’t be trusted, even if it’s miscellaneous conversations or if it’s deep and personal. The reason we do this is cause we think by sharing it will bind us closer to someone, this couldn’t be further from the truth. We must learn to discern before bearing our thoughts to people that don’t deserve it
Everyone can trust me 100% I never release anyone secret, this is why everyone coming to me even meet me the first time they already share their biggest secret. I get tired of this "gift and curse," bc I myself can't find anyone I can trust like me. Also every time I approach ppl with good and honest attention, they doubt and question my truth, it hurts me bad. I am totally opposite to the normal human being. This makes my life so hard. Sometimes I don't know how to live this life appropriately anymore 😑
Yes! 🤢 It makes me Sick 🤮 That I keep making this mistake over and over. Even after that hangover feeling you're talking about 🙉🙈 but then do it Again. My husband gets upset when I do this 😔 but to me I feel I'm just a Very nice, sweet, Honest person. 💖 Happy Blessed Holidays!!!!
I struggle a lot with oversharing. Although, I think I’ve definitely gotten better at protecting my borders. Because thats what it really is; self protection. My boundaries are being challenged by a coworker that I know can’t be trusted with details but I feel lonely sometimes and its sort of nice to talk to her (I feel isolated at work and she is one of the few people that engages with me and I get my “socializing quota for the day” in with her) but even during the conversation I keep reminding myself to slow down and not to go too deep with her. One of my goals is to keep a safe distance with all people that I come in contact with regardless of the relationship until I can trust myself with how to behave without sacrificing my safety and privacy.
i over share everyday!! not only with strangers but also with friends or family and it gives me the feeling almost like feeling guilty and thinking “oh no, why did i tell them all of that, why did i talk so much”
I'm very 'guilty' of always sharing too much and getting the vulnerability hangover. I don't know why I do it but it's like a case of word gastro followed by the verbal diarrhea that floods out. Sorry for the visual! Like your videos. Thanks
it feels like I get a vulnerability hangover every time someone asks me to open up to them, I let everything out if they keep asking questions, then after or the next day I’m like “why did I do that?”
@@juliakristinamah What should I do with all the baggage that I _NEED_ to share? I need to tell someone my childhood, why I am like I am, and what I've been trough... It seems like not even my closest friend is close enough..
@@Vallinen92 I know this was two years ago, but if you still feel like this you should definitely see a therapist! There’s a stigma around it sometimes but there shouldn’t be, everyone would be better for it. Then you can do the unloading on someone who is paid to listen.
@@laundromatqueen1939 I do see a therapist, been doing it for over 3-4 years at this point, but I think my point with the comment was that I need the people around me to know what the fuck i've been through to understand why I am like I am. I'm a damaged human being, yet society as a whole expect me to function like everyone else. This is the true problem.
The vulnerability hangover is so f*cking real. I love this channel. I just did it with a girl I was interested in 2 weeks ago. It felt horrible and she suddenly became cold afterwards. I feel pathetic Julia.. (we are both 23)
yes. I've learned the hard way that unfortunatly the majority of friends and family really dont want to deal with the deep stuff. most of that needs to be kept in a therapists office. just my opinion. I used to believe that a good friend wants to be there for a person when they need to talk but you need to be very careful about that because like Julia said once its out there its out.
You know, it really can be hard. Some people are offering to be there for the deep stuff, and some aren't. And sometimes we don't know for sure until we do. It's a good reminder to be grateful for those friends who are willing to go there with us.
Everything you said in this video describes me perfectly. I want to be understood so badly that I leave all the hairy details of my past exposed for literally anyone to see. Hoping that somebody is going to accept me despite all of it. I fear wasting somebody's time by withholding something they would have otherwise wanted to know right away. But at a great cost to myself, because here I am today feeling what you called a vulnerability hangover. And I finally have a name for this feeling I have after damn near every social interaction.
I find that I’ve always tended to overshare too much too soon because 1) I have always had a very hard time with boundaries and understanding them for myself and 2) due to my poor relationship with boundaries, somehow in some strange way, I feel as though if I open myself up and show I can be vulnerable, it would show people that I am real, and candid and I can be trusted.
You would not believe how jealous people get nowadays over the simplest of things when Good Fortune comes to you people are very selfish and non empathetic anymore I would not be telling everything that's going on in my life on Facebook or the internet big mistake!!!!
Yes. being gaslit will have you sharing things you would never share if you were in a more stable mindset. Had me looking back thinking... omg I cannot believe I told people that. no wonder I don't hear from them anymore.
I always thought that my problems were just shit to dump on anybody in the hope to meet a person clever enough to fix the problem. But you made me see something new. They are a PRIVILEGE, even my darkest crap, is a privilege to be entrusted only to people who deserve it... not the problem, but me, my life, my emotions, the deepest corner of my heart. And that's why I end up even more abused... the good people aren't mentally prepared, and the abusive ones don't know how to help. I felt like shit about it, to see that it's still a precious gift makes me feel better, thank you. I thought that I shouldn't hide my wounds, the victim isn't the one who deserve shame, but blood attracts vultures... I need to know how to ask for help, and how to put pain aside to enjoy life anyway again...
9:20 Omg Speaking of hairdressers, my last one asked me about my age, my marital status, what I like to do in my free time, about my family,etc. Just do my hair and please don’t ask me any personal questions for the love of privacy! I won’t be going back to him!
Wow! I think some hairdressers like to chat and make conversation, but that does seem like a lot of very personal questions. Someone needs some healthy boundaries!
I'm confused about this because I work in a salon and we are literally trained on how to talk with clients whether it's about home life, what hobbies a client has, how their family is, etc. I have so many clients that share stories and pictures with me of their life and I feel like I have pretty close relationships with them. Granted I'm not pushing for info about someone if they don't want to share but I always ask because having some kind of relationship with someone you see every 2 weeks for nails or every couple months for hair is normal because you spend a LOT of time together. More than some people see their friends and family. It's pretty normal for people providing beauty services to ask these questions, it's part of our job depending on where we work.
@@daniellajones2558 I think the type of relationship you are referring to deveops with time. This was a new salon and a new hair stylist and we were complete strangers to one another but right away he started asking very personal questions that are frankly no one’s business. I felt put on the spot as other clients and staff were listening. I personally do not go to a salon to socialize. I understand for some people that is a part of the appointment and that is fine if they are comfortable with it. I prefer the stylist to be friendly and professional and not make too much small talk. I just want to relax and there to be peace in my mind while I get the service I pay for. And I disagree- its not normal or polite for a stranger to ask these sort of questions when I just met them. It can develop over time and depending on the level of comfort on the customers side.
@@daniellajones2558 I get the sentiment but I wish there was more honesty involved there. It's so disappointing when they keep starting up conversations by asking a question and then never following up.. it's just not helpful. Ideally you'd be interested in the answers but I get it.. you have a lot of clients and you can't keep this up 24/7 and with every single person. Maybe I have too high expectations. It feels very personal when you sit there and get your hair done.. but you are still strangers and it's a transaction in the end. I'm just too desperate to make friends and it shows.
A much needed message after a difficult few days. I can relate to all of what is said here. In my younger years, before I even understood what healthy boundaries were (I grew up in a family riddled with mental illness), I overshared and wondered why people walked away. It felt so lonely. Thankfully I discovered the wonderful world of counselling and gradually learned to develop healthy boundaries and learn about the different levels of relationships, i.e. strangers/acquaintances/distant friends/close friends/intimate relationships - each requiring a different set of engagement rules. I learned to keep my deeper feelings for either my counsellor or those relationships that were intimate or close. Everyone else didn’t need to know my business. I’m in my late 50’s now. I’m a retired mental health nurse. I recently met a younger woman at a writing event. On the surface she gave no sign of mental health difficulties. We both shared a passion for writing poetry, or so I thought. I agreed to attend a poetry writing retreat with her and I drove us both to this event. It wasn’t until we were shortly into our journey that she began to open up about her emotional difficulties, disclosing highly personal details to me, someone she barely knew. I tried to encourage her gently to be careful about sharing like this as I knew from my experience, how vulnerable she was making herself. Fortunately she had already recognised her issues and had begun seeing a counsellor. It was a challenging weekend break because I noticed that she continued to spill out everything with everyone she met on the retreat. Always on a one to one basis, never in group situations. When we were in group situations she became withdrawn and moody. Afterwards she approached me and asked if I had noticed she had gone quiet. I said I hadn’t because I was trying not to encourage open discussion, but then she complained that no one noticed her and how she was feeling. By now I’m having massive warning bells going off in my head. On the journey back I kept bringing the conversation back to the importance of keeping going with counselling, and how not to expect a quick fix but that the results will unfold over time and be well worth the effort. As I dropped her off she was fishing to be invited to visit me where I live because I’m such a good listener. I dodged that one stating, truthfully, that I had a really busy schedule over the next few months - I was in the middle of another poetry writing course with a high workload in between classes. I’m also learning to play the piano and had a piano exam in that month so I needed my own space to knuckle down on my studies. I said that we could meet for coffee perhaps, in London, in a few months time. She was ok about this when I dropped her off. Nothing prepared me for the onslaught of text messages over the following weeks. It began with a simple hi, how are you, then quickly morphed into ‘I’m so missing you.” I must confess that in my stress and need to deal with messages quickly, I did respond to that one with a quick message saying “that’s nice, missing you too.” Why did I say that? Things moved rapidly. She reverted to sharing her feelings with me by text. So I tried ignoring. That didn’t work. So I set a boundary. I felt terrible because I could see in her, the girl I used to be. But I could see that to keep engaging by listening to her was not helping her to develop healthy boundaries and the ability to discern who to disclose deeply personal stuff to. I was honest in my boundary setting but also gentle- I said I was confused by her last message which had started with her saying she knew I had a piano exam coming up, and then she shared something deeply personal about her state of mind at that time, and then it ended with a cheery and how are you. I said I thought she was doing the right thing to see a counsellor but said that I could not respond to any further messages because I felt as if she was using me more like a therapist than a friend and that it would be better if she took the problem feelings stuff to her counsellor. Ouch! That was direct I know and I suffered pangs of guilt for quite a few hours. I felt guilty because I have always encouraged people to talk openly about their problems. But what I didn’t think about was how vulnerable this makes someone if they haven’t yet developed healthy boundaries and discernment in who they can share deeper feelings with. This girl tried to respond but I don’t know what she was trying to say because she deleted the messages. A long story I know. But I think this is an important subject to talk about.
I understand if people do this though because some people are just in dire need to express themselves or open up. People are in need to be heard and it’s sad that they don’t have that in their social circles to which they go to an extend to find that comfort with a total stranger.
True. Happens to the best of us. Please be kind to yourself. It's all about balance. Be KIND no matter what. You are allowed to make mistakes and you are allowed to have these experiences and learn from them. It takes time but it works! Good advice on analyzing the nature of the relationship. It's so simple and straightforward but easily forgotten when distressed. And yes, be mindful. Will keep it in mind, thank you.
Did anyone ever stop to think that there might be something very wrong with a society that can't handle vulnerability from another? Yes you cover your face when faced with bright headlights but do you turn and walk away when you can see someone drowning or injured? No wonder people are so miserable in a world where you have to approach everyone and everything with an air of distrust and suspicion. It may feel necessary to protect ourselves in this world but maybe it isn't those who so called overshare that are the problem? Those of us who do this maybe need to ask ourselves how we react when people "overshare" with us? Do we run for cover or do we appreciate their candor and vulnerability and does our heart reach out to them, do we help even if it is by merely listening or suggesting they may benefit in talking to someone with the skills to help if we feel we cannot. Sometimes all that people need is someone to talk to, to hear their words echoed in a way that may give them insight into themselves. I feel privileged when people feel they can be open with me and I would never think to make them feel bad about it. At the same time I try not to judge those who react insensitively as that is their right and it cannot be helped in a world where we are taught that feelings can be bad. Just a thought...
No one really cares in my opinion. Professional s Listen because they get rewarded with a sum of money and then on to the next one. Others love to be able to voice but do not listen. Life is so superficial. That is why so many people feel disconnect no trust or not properly heard.
Now I get why sometimes I feel weird when people I barely know share deep, painful things. Even though I am an INFJ and tend to attract this, I couldn't make sense of my feelings around it until now. Thank you!
I'm an INFJ too. People are always over shared with me. Even complete strangers do it. I'm now almost 67, and have just now developed coping strategies for dealing with people I do not know well and strangers doing talkaholic numbers on me.
My God ! Sometimes, I act like this, specially after a long time of loneliness when I feel frustrated. When i'm tired or overwelmed ! Do I have to stay at home alone when I feel a bit depressed ? I know it's not healthy.
Yes!!! We are human beings and are constantly searching for connection. It makes sense that when we haven’t had it for a while we become desperate, try to create a connection, and sometimes overshare. It happens to most of us. Forgive yourself and charge on warrior
@@BrittanySchank thank you for the reply (and all others too) and I thank the one who asked the question; it was pertinent to my current situation (and yes, do forgive! It happens to the best of us)
I love the "treat it as parallel" ... I recently did a lot of oversharing with A Lot of different people and am still dealing with a vulnerability hangover. Trying not to feel too guilty for assaulting people and violating boundaries in that way. I was just around the same people everyday and mistook the amount of time around each other for actual closeness. Hard Lesson Learned.
well, see, there's the crux of the problem. How do you build relationships with others, especially when people seem interested in their phones more than anything else? Or in situations where people already have a network and aren't interested in extending it? Then you have no one and that increases the chance that you'll feel so lonely you're over-sharing with anyone who'll listen, even if it's a gamble and feels vulnerable.
Exactly! When you have no one it's hard to keep everything stuffed in. And when therapy is too expensive you can' t always "unload" to a therapist. There should be some sort of alternative lol
I think any conversation about oversharing is incomplete without discussing trauma and how that meter of what appropriate sharing is gets broken, while (especially if it's childhood trauma) causing people to overshare in either a flight/fawn response or out of desperation at not being seen/heard/attuned to in earlier life.
Isn't possible that we struggle with asking for what we need because we have been denied so many times before that we begin to think we'll only get turned down again?
well, Ive been in a lot of relationships that I thought were friendships where I overshared and people used it against me when they got upset with me or where I have told them my personal buisness when they didnt tell me NOTHING about them and judged me by saying " that was your fault" or " that should have told you something RIGHT THERE" and that is why Im getting out of the habit of telling people all of my buisness cuz some people just go off on what they see other folks do.
Yes I've felt that kind of hangover. And a few times when I was actually talking my jaw would start shaking and I would start trembling like I was really cold. Then I don't want to go on with the conversation. I vacillate between not sharing at all and over sharing. The depth of the relationship equaling the depth of sharing is a helpful tool. One of my best friends that I've known for years is a more superficial relationship. We talk about the news, politics, history and books... But not about our feelings. When I've tried to go there it doesn't feel safe. Now I know why! Thank you!
That’s interesting that you have a best friend, but the relationship is superficial and there’s no feelings discussed. I’ve never heard of that before.
No it's not a good idea to share all your personal information on the internet it will always come back to haunt you, we'll come and get you a creates monsters out of people he goes they become self-absorbed they have setting themselves up for trouble it may take weeks months or years but it will come back to haunt you you're better off keeping your mouth shut in Les you're talkin to the closest people family in your life the public don't need to know all the details about what's going on in your life not good!!!!
I'm really in the need right now but I don't have anyone close enough to talk to; so I can't help myself but share my story anywhere where I can potentially get some support...
Well Carol, at that point we just have to let people make their own choices, and we make our own choices about how we want to manage ourselves when they do.
I don't know if this is helpful but I used to do this and sometimes I still do if I'm stressed over something which is usually none of my business in the first place. Things become clear if I write it out on paper. As many pages a I need to. I'm on the other end of over sharing more often now and I can say this is awful to be on that side of it too. It feels stressful for me to have people dump all there emotions on me.
I have gone 1000 % private, humans hate me because I am try and move on, in my life, I can turn my hands to making any thing on my home and my back yard,
Iv feel like iv got such a big gob at times i go home feeling terrible and scared that the person iv opened up to will betray my confidece and ill end up falling out with people i luv
I think when I do trust someone, share something deep with them and find that they respond with kindness and empathy, I falsely assume that this can set the tone of the relationship and that they're comfortable with further sharing. I don't realise that I'm being too much because coping with childhood trauma is my 'normal' and it does largely affect my life on a daily basis, so sharing things which are intense but feel fairly mundane to me are probably waaay too much for the other person to continue to hear about. It's definitely something I need/want to be more mindful of in future. It's embarrassing when the other person steps back and I have that "Oh crap, I've overshared again" moment! Perhaps it's just best if I relate to other people's experiences if they share them (and if I'm comfortable to do so) but hold my own back for therapy or specialised support groups. Great video, thank you so much! It was exactly this kind of guidance on the issue that I was looking for. 👍
I do work at having boundaries but other people don't. And then people get mad at me because I am cold, or distant or to quiet or tell me and everyone that I don't care. What the??!
I agree but I think it's safe to share on the internet because it's anonymous and it's usually on a discussion about the thing you have in common so the matter over shared is what links you. It is a valve that prevents you from letting it all flood out with real life acquaintances. I know when I was just newly separated I nearly told the postman my life story. I can see now I scared people away!
Because I have in-home caregivers, I have a lot of people coming in and out of my house. So many of them feel comfortable in my presence and will overshare too much and far too early. But because they see me in a vulnerable position they feel like I would be someone to trust, perhaps? It's really awkward to stop them and not hurt their feelings, while still getting them to do the work. What do you call a reverse vulnerability hangover? It's because I end up feeling like their confessor.
I for sure give too much too soon and don’t know how to control it :( I feel like an open book, lacking the ability to connect with people.. too eager to connect. Starving for connection it seems. So I put myself out there... I feel like I’m unable to interact with people
I used to overshare a lot with people who I thought were safe to open up to and I learned my lesson the hard way to never do that again. From now on I only open up to people who I've been extremely close friends with for many years, and a few family members. I don't mind when people overshare with me, though. It shows that I give a trustworthy vibe and I'm pretty open minded.
This was such a good video(: Yes I have felt ashamed and odd after sharing too soon before - to answer your question. I have also been on the opposite end of this as well. I used to have a coworker who constantly would lash out about how suicidal he was, how messed up his family was, how insecure he was. My coworkers and I tried our best to comfort him, but yes it was a bit much...HR had helped him to get counseling. He no longer works with us, but this video reminded me of him so much!
Oh wow, Michelle - that is tough! My heart goes out to people who are going through stuff like that - but you're right - sharing intimate details like that with co-workers often isn't appropriate.
I identify with this and have a tendency to overshare ... sometimes too much too soon in a relationship and sometimes just inappropriately and it has ruined budding relationships and caused me problems in other scenarios. It's something I definitely need to be mindful of and this is extremely useful, Julia, thank you.
Sophie, I'd be lying if I said I'd never done it myself - and hadn't had to learn the hard way too. I am much more mindful of it now and realize that people have to earn the right to bear witness to the depths of my soul. #inthistogether! xo
I had this today while talking with a former teacher and over shared with her in my mind and left feeling like “ What just happened and why did I do that”
I tend to overshare because I see nothing wrong with the information I'm giving. It was just life. Its not deep or meaningful or sad to me, it's just what happened. So I genuinely don't really know how to give surface answers because I don't know when something is too much unless I'm told it is. I get all the time that I'm such a vulnerable person, but to me none of that is being vulnerable. I'm always open and honest about who I am so to me it's the equivalent of talking about the weather, or your dreams in life. Giving current information (on the other hand) like address, school I went to, name, age, etc is way more personal to me than telling people things like my mom has a mental capacity of a 12 year old or the issues me and my siblings had with my parents growing up. Past information that doesn't help a person find me is way less "deep and personal" than current information that could lead someone to me. Maybe it's a social cue thing I've never picked up on, but I severely struggle with oversharing sexual things, childhood traumas, or whatever else. It never bothers me when people don't care, because it's not information I'm trying to hide so to me it's like someone not caring when I talk about the weather.
Yeah I think if you are talking to the right person they will be able to relate and to some extent it can be a way to cut through the crap and get right down to substance. People who can't handle it are unable to relate or uncomfortable because they themselves can't share things. I think I have used it as a means to test people as well and you can tell the people apart whose relationships are only ever surface level. They will have their eyes wide open in shock because they can't compute how you could just share something like that. Sometimes it's not a choice anyways.. when you are so in the middle of it and you have to tell someone but there is no one to talk to.. then you offload onto whoever is available. And I refuse to see that as a bad thing, people should be able to rely on each other. It's a modern phenomenom that you are surrounded by strangers most of the time. I think we would get along just fine and some filters are just unnecessary if you are with the right people. You can't please everyone, might as well stop trying.
I have overshared and others have overshared with me too quickly and I remember immediately become fearful and sad (I absorb energies very easily). I am not trying to but because the relationship wasn't at that level yet I could not handle its, no one's fault but it makes sense why it happens.
Omg I didn't know there was an actual video ot falls perfectly as I currently dealing with this I find myself being really easy chatting on the depth of my life with strangers on the internet more than I am with my own family so yes
I wish I had known what oversharing was 30 years ago. Looking back, I had a bad case of it. So much so, that I felt physically sick every time I overshared and had no idea they were connected.
Thanks for putting a name to my feeling. I hate that feeling. I think people are basically good so I feel comfortable sharing but I get it now. Thanks. You are great at explaining.
I struggle more with being super uncomfortable when someone overshares (from my pov). Maybe it's just me being very closed and sharing not a lot so it kind of brothers me if others do so🤔
I think some people put you on the back foot immediately, and this can make you need to explain yourself. I have such an acquaintance, she clearly didn’t want me to join her group she founded … the other day I found myself explaining my relationship with my ex to her, as if being amicable was some kind of shameful behaviour. I left thinking “ what just happened”? if you pick this up with certain individuals, be hyper conscious when you’re around them, and how they project their own stuff onto you, and trying to bring you down a peg or two by making you explain yourself. Politely call them out and move on.
I've been recovering from being a lifelong people pleaser and I recently realized that I've been stuck in a chronic vulnerability hangover from oversharing. So much better now that I'm learning how to be more private and protect myself.
Familiar with vulnerability hang over. I've found myself unconsciously and even intentionally pushing people back and away by over-sharing, a lot like a smash and grab.
i absolutely had this vulerablity hang over recently. I wasnt sure why i kept sharing and sharing but something just made me thing that it was ok to do so in the situation i was in and i had a sort of confirmation when the other person shared as well. But i feel as if they then shut me out after the fact, and it is the most irritating and soul crushing feeling. Interesting to know this is a common thing
I overshare and over explain. I love knowing how something I’m interested in works inside and out so when I’m asked about it I explain it the way I want it explained to me and usually people think I’m trying to make them feel dumb. As far as oversharing I wasn’t always like this but now if I get a hold of someone I just unload! I have finally gotten to a point that I realize I’m doing it but no matter how loud my brain screams SHUT UP!!! I can’t stop it. It’s so embarrassing and humiliating
A guy sent me a dm on Instagram. He shared so much with me in his second email, it sounded to good to be true. I asked him, is he really who he says he is, because a lot of people hide behind computers pretending to be someone else. He emailed me back and said, I'm going to end this here, good luck in my search. I wasn't the one searching. Thank you for this video, it helped me understand why he said what he said. Great advice!
struggling with how to field personal invasive question I frequently receive from my clients. I am a esthetichian and while I’m in service client’s frequently ask me the most invasive questions. Including my age, address, if I’m married, if I have children, family planning, details abt my romantic relationships, etc Sadly nothing is off the table today and complete stranger’s ask the most personal questions. I’m having a tough time establishing boundaries.
Just rewatched this and I would like to say that we fully share with our own tribe. Amazon tribes share their skillset so openly and deeply that the learning time for shooting a bow, at what I would say is olympic standard, is very short. When teaching someone we should focus on doing the thing and on all the wisdom that goes with the skill and do it deeply and openly, sharing in spirit all that is the knowledge on the skill. When closed groups stop sharing key skills important for humanities survival because they keep the knowledge to have power over other groups, what then? But yes certain types of knowledge are forbidden or taboo.
I have a lot of vulnerability hangovers, I often find myself sharing things I regret sharing and I end up feeling bad. Also I know I overshare because most people I share with don't reciprocate.... like now....I just overshared. I think I don't see certain topics or events as private....help me please!!!
What connected with you most about oversharing and undersharing?
Thank you for all your videos. This may be a different topic, but I feel we that we may share too much even with the people closest to us. There is a friend I exercise with. I have known her a long time. I noticed when I would share things going on with me, I would go away feeling bad. I now keep it a superficial relationship. I am much happier. I think it is wise to be cautious to sharing with even people that are close to us. Thank you for all your do.
I do this in relationships and then I get embarrassed.. and then think I am being judged ...
Trying to gauge that parallel can be hard. Sometimes I mistake a more surface level relationship for a deeper one.
The heart-wrenching things about sharing at the parallel level of the intimacy is that sometimes we only have relationships that are surface level.
We don’t have any relationships that can withstand the flood gates or the deepest parts of us, but we need those deepest parts to be heard.
There’s a desperate outcry to be heard; and that desperation can breed really impractical solutions.
I’m still trying to figure out what the best thing to do is when we feel like the information we need to share is too loaded for any of our relationships to handle.
Stifling oneself doesn’t seem healthy, but neither does choosing a stranger and dumping everything on them.
Hmm... I don’t know!
Julia Kristina Counselling I’m a 55 year old survivor of multiple emotional, psychological and sexual traumas since childhood. I now understand that I am a codependent suffering from PTSD or C-PTSD. I was always over sharing and it usually did not turn out well. I think I did this because I was looking for clarification and conformation that my experiences mattered. I was looking for answers outside myself because I didn’t know who I was or why I kept repeating the same patterns of behavior that were unhealthy and lead to toxic relationships. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. I thought this was what you were supposed to do, that everyone was like this. I’m learning now, I’ve just started to shift though my life and heal myself. As a codependent it’s hard because deep down you have this underlying fear of existing of not being good enough, of failure and you just want someone to hold you and make your boo boo’s go away.
As an autistic person, who's wired differently, I don't relate to this much at all. It seems like neuroticism to me, though I know it's not, and is an overly complicated way to live one's life. We autistic people are not wired the same and so other autistic people might get this. I don't.
I don't have the levels of deep described here. I'm more like an inverted iceberg and that's not because I feel all out of control in regard to my emotions. Being an inverted iceberg, being open, feels calm and normal to me though I understand it can freak out others (because others often feel like quid pro quo of intimacy is required). Things just don't seem deep. There's a difference between discomfort and distress. When I'm in distress, that's a clear indication that I need to share with someone who cares for me. But I'm not often in distress. I've noticed thought that neurotypical people often upcycle discomfort into distress perhaps because they have difficulty sharing and figure sharing is an indication of distress.
It's difficult for me to figure out the levels described here because it's not part of my experience. I don't experience my feelings as deep and dark or shameful and scary (for the most part, that's a rare experience). I experience myself as fully human having a human experience.
Of course, I've experienced the reactions from others noted in your video but more often, they barely know me, share and say things like "I've NEVER shared this with another person," and end up with an emotional hangover. Then, they behave as if I were someone they got drunk with and did bad things with and so must be avoided. And I might have shared something that felt very minor to me, so minor that I can't even remember what it was that may have made them feel like they were safe in the moment. Of course they are safe with me, but they don't know that. Why? Because they saw me be open and behave as if something they thought was deep and possibly scary was not, and so there must be a fear that I'll not keep their deep/scary feelings to myself when I will (because I understand that this is consistent with the needs of most people).
The dance of intimacy/trust that neurotypical people engage in (the parallel depths of relationship) is something I have a difficult time understanding. Even when neurotypical people show me the steps, I have difficulty catching on because we appear to be listening to a different tunes, the timing is off, and their dance steps therefore don't make sense to me. Of course I seem out of step to them too.
Knowing that neurotypical people are like this--so cognizant of the dance and likely to be freaked out, take offense, assume mental imbalance, distrust motive, and so on when others misstep--makes me not want to engage with others in general. I truly don't want to violate other people's boundaries, and given that it's late in life and I've yet to be able to translate this stuff so that it makes sense to my experience, I feel like I should just retire from human interaction rather than risk further insult. I'm pretty tired of not fitting in and being expected to make sense of all of the fears that direct human interaction when I don't share those fears and they simply don't make sense given my wiring. I found the video depressing. It reinforced my worst fears about neurotypical people.
As an aside: Dirty laundry? My mind cannot wrap around that concept. Indeed, that sounds like shaming to me.
I think I overshare because I feel desperate. Not helpful tho...I overshare even when people are pushy or seem to not understand me, it makes me think that this way I'll be more understood but I feel pathetic afterwards.
Same here
I had a phase like this.
When a person is committed to not understanding then no matter how many words you use, you will still be misunderstood.
I think that you should embrace that awkward silence that comes when you don’t want to share. Let’s say someone is pushy.
“Did you and your boyfriend have an argument?”
“Yeah...”
“So what is happening now? Are you better ?”
“Yeah...we are okay”
(Typically you will say yeah and go into great detail who said what).
If they are silent giving you space to go into detail. Just remain silent or change the subject. No one has to push you to over share any more than you want to share.
@@dj912sent9 I either get stared at, either they focus on someone else, ignoring me, pretending I am not even there. Maybe they think this might help me with the anxiety and awkward behavior that happens during my oversharing. Others insult me and judge me based on the things I said but still want me around to frustrate me....I feel like I'm always pointed at... It's hard to change the subject when people don't really have much in common and focus on what is wrong with my life. >.< I got misunderstood once I stopped people pleasing, that's how I see it, so I am less 'likeable'.
Sookie
You don’t have to overshare if you don’t want too. They want you around because your overhearing makes you very relatable. They probably don’t share because they are afraid of being judged by others.
Anytime you will start placing some boundaries some will stick and other people will be in your life less than before. That is normal and okay. The work starts within yourself. Being okay to not answer and share what you don’t want to share. Embrace that awkward silence that comes with you not over sharing.
People judge either way. Their opinions are just opinions and they don’t change who you are as a person. You have placed too much value in other people’s opinions and what they think of you. Bring that value down. Increase the value in how you see yourself and how comfortable you are in your own skin. Your opinion of you matters most.
@@dj912sent9 Thank you very much Roxy! You are right, I hope I can integrate the 'being ok with' part, I feel like I'm such a fool sometimes, I have moments when I can't think straight because of my anxiety. Best wishes!
another tip how to figure out what's appropriate sharing is to notice when we feel other people overshare information with us - it can be things like revealing mental health issues or asking relationship advice at the start of a relationship
Definitely can relate as an Aspie. I tend to lean toward undersharing, which is interestingly kind of the opposite from many on the spectrum, at least how I see it.
you really are reading my entire life right now.....
Thanks Julia.. you enlighten me with a lot of rights I never been able to see before. Best 3>
Thank you for this video.
Not with the butcher! Lol thanks I trust anything and everything thank you
Ugh... yes... I've had a couple of moments in my life where I had a false feeling of safety/comfort and shared too much. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just rewind and tidy life up once in a while? lol
Right? Oh man - sometimes, lol!! But totally bugging things up is often how we learn and grow best ;-)
Girl, I so agree! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thought--whooops can I rewind that and pretend it didn’t happen. Whoops
sks_bc yes. That is why I’m better online. I can write and erase several times before deciding whether or not to post.
I’m a very awkward person and I tend to over share with people or not share at all (plus I get vulnerability hangovers a lot). I say what just pops into my head, to try too keep the conversation going and to seem like a interesting person. I don’t know why and I just need help with this :/
Same lol
Have you improved because I'm suffering alot due to this makes me want to suddenly just be quiet now...
Me too!
Oh me too! (Wait, did I share too much about sharing too much? 😳)
This is me I spill my guts with everybody, After I leave I feel uncomfortable and get depressed I then shut the world out.
I am a very private person in private relationships.. because i fear abandonment. Instead, i overshare with strangers bc i dont really care if they will reject me..
Hmmm...your comment has me wondering if I do the same?! I never thought of this before but this is what I do too... thanks for the insight! It makes sense because I come from childhood neglect/ volatile family upbringing and have abandonment problems. This is something to think about.
@@sksbc3895 you're welcome! Thank you for your reply
I guess I do the same. I share easily with ppl, who I might never see again!
Elyz 98_ I’ve also shared personal stuff with a stranger who I felt a connection with. I figure I’ll probably never see them again but maybe they were sent my way to share my hurts. Sometimes it’s much easier to share with a stranger.
Wow I kinda do the same because I learned ppl close to me has been more judgmental than strangers
This is so recognisable, I overshare so easily and I always regret it immediately! What works for me is focusing the conversation on the other: if you are honestly interested in them, you won’t overshare as quickly, because you would like to listen more than talk. And it will give you some idea of how much the other person is willing to share, so that you can figure out how deep the relationship is between you and the other. Lots of love from the Netherlands 🇳🇱
I always regret it too. Sometimes I do this on Facebook and then I find myself deleting my message.
chocolatecurls94 that is helpful be curious about the other person...rather then being heard or validated.
I never regret oversharing, but I should, because opening up my mind too fast makes horny people think I'll do the same with my legs. Eww. I couldn't find the motivation to listen, but I have to even if I'm too needy to care for anyone else than me, because that's how I can know who's a danger and who can become a friend. Thank you for making me notice that.
Thank you
I get a vulnerability hangover most times 😩 x
Thanks for fessing up - I've definitely had my fair share too - you are so not alone!
Julia Kristina Counselling ❤️❤️
Me too I'll work on that
Stop drinking problem solved
@@ketsh3287 have you even watched the video? 😂
Excellent topic Unfortunately any time I have opened up and shared to the wrong people it has backfired. I have learned the hard way that people can’t be trusted, even if it’s miscellaneous conversations or if it’s deep and personal. The reason we do this is cause we think by sharing it will bind us closer to someone, this couldn’t be further from the truth. We must learn to discern before bearing our thoughts to people that don’t deserve it
I agree - It's a fine balance and it's not always certain exactly what the relationship or the person can handle. #inthistogether!
Everyone can trust me 100% I never release anyone secret, this is why everyone coming to me even meet me the first time they already share their biggest secret. I get tired of this "gift and curse," bc I myself can't find anyone I can trust like me. Also every time I approach ppl with good and honest attention, they doubt and question my truth, it hurts me bad. I am totally opposite to the normal human being. This makes my life so hard. Sometimes I don't know how to live this life appropriately anymore 😑
Ahh! I'm a chronic over-sharer and I'm glad "vulnerability hangover" gave me a word for my feelings.
Yes! 🤢 It makes me Sick 🤮 That I keep making this mistake over and over. Even after that hangover feeling you're talking about 🙉🙈 but then do it Again. My husband gets upset when I do this 😔 but to me I feel I'm just a Very nice, sweet, Honest person. 💖 Happy Blessed Holidays!!!!
Did this help you understand things a bit better Harumi?
But you trust your partner, right. I think he should not feel upset. I always listen to my loved one.
The best thing to do is keep your mouth shut. Don’t tell people your personal information. They will use it against you.
Damn right!
@@francesbonner7708 Well said.
Great advice. The information we share should match the level of connection and trust we have with that person. :)
absolutely. Really glad it connected.
I struggle a lot with oversharing. Although, I think I’ve definitely gotten better at protecting my borders. Because thats what it really is; self protection. My boundaries are being challenged by a coworker that I know can’t be trusted with details but I feel lonely sometimes and its sort of nice to talk to her (I feel isolated at work and she is one of the few people that engages with me and I get my “socializing quota for the day” in with her) but even during the conversation I keep reminding myself to slow down and not to go too deep with her. One of my goals is to keep a safe distance with all people that I come in contact with regardless of the relationship until I can trust myself with how to behave without sacrificing my safety and privacy.
Thanks for sharing!
i over share everyday!! not only with strangers but also with friends or family and it gives me the feeling almost like feeling guilty and thinking “oh no, why did i tell them all of that, why did i talk so much”
I'm very 'guilty' of always sharing too much and getting the vulnerability hangover. I don't know why I do it but it's like a case of word gastro followed by the verbal diarrhea that floods out. Sorry for the visual! Like your videos. Thanks
I hoped this vid helped you feel more in charge of what you share and who you share it with moving forward!
it feels like I get a vulnerability hangover every time someone asks me to open up to them, I let everything out if they keep asking questions, then after or the next day I’m like “why did I do that?”
Somethings should just be kept private.
Agreed. Not everyone needs to know everything all the time.
@@juliakristinamah What should I do with all the baggage that I _NEED_ to share? I need to tell someone my childhood, why I am like I am, and what I've been trough... It seems like not even my closest friend is close enough..
@@Vallinen92 just write it on a journal book, it helps
@@Vallinen92 I know this was two years ago, but if you still feel like this you should definitely see a therapist! There’s a stigma around it sometimes but there shouldn’t be, everyone would be better for it. Then you can do the unloading on someone who is paid to listen.
@@laundromatqueen1939 I do see a therapist, been doing it for over 3-4 years at this point, but I think my point with the comment was that I need the people around me to know what the fuck i've been through to understand why I am like I am. I'm a damaged human being, yet society as a whole expect me to function like everyone else. This is the true problem.
The vulnerability hangover is so f*cking real. I love this channel. I just did it with a girl I was interested in 2 weeks ago. It felt horrible and she suddenly became cold afterwards. I feel pathetic Julia.. (we are both 23)
Same here
yes. I've learned the hard way that unfortunatly the majority of friends and family really dont want to deal with the deep stuff. most of that needs to be kept in a therapists office. just my opinion. I used to believe that a good friend wants to be there for a person when they need to talk but you need to be very careful about that because like Julia said once its out there its out.
You know, it really can be hard. Some people are offering to be there for the deep stuff, and some aren't. And sometimes we don't know for sure until we do. It's a good reminder to be grateful for those friends who are willing to go there with us.
Everything you said in this video describes me perfectly. I want to be understood so badly that I leave all the hairy details of my past exposed for literally anyone to see. Hoping that somebody is going to accept me despite all of it. I fear wasting somebody's time by withholding something they would have otherwise wanted to know right away. But at a great cost to myself, because here I am today feeling what you called a vulnerability hangover. And I finally have a name for this feeling I have after damn near every social interaction.
I find that I’ve always tended to overshare too much too soon because 1) I have always had a very hard time with boundaries and understanding them for myself and 2) due to my poor relationship with boundaries, somehow in some strange way, I feel as though if I open myself up and show I can be vulnerable, it would show people that I am real, and candid and I can be trusted.
You would not believe how jealous people get nowadays over the simplest of things when Good Fortune comes to you people are very selfish and non empathetic anymore I would not be telling everything that's going on in my life on Facebook or the internet big mistake!!!!
@Unfinished Business “ that bitch thinks the sun only shines on her”. :D that's too funny, and sadly some are triggered even by trivial things
If you're being gaslighted/gangstalked it's hard not to overshare with people you think you know/trust...
It definitely does complicate things when the person takes advantage of our trust or gives us a false sense of trust. I agree
Yes. being gaslit will have you sharing things you would never share if you were in a more stable mindset. Had me looking back thinking... omg I cannot believe I told people that. no wonder I don't hear from them anymore.
Word vomit! It happens to me... my attempts to connect with people at work when There’s minimal time to converse and small talk is painfully dull.
I always thought that my problems were just shit to dump on anybody in the hope to meet a person clever enough to fix the problem. But you made me see something new. They are a PRIVILEGE, even my darkest crap, is a privilege to be entrusted only to people who deserve it... not the problem, but me, my life, my emotions, the deepest corner of my heart. And that's why I end up even more abused... the good people aren't mentally prepared, and the abusive ones don't know how to help. I felt like shit about it, to see that it's still a precious gift makes me feel better, thank you. I thought that I shouldn't hide my wounds, the victim isn't the one who deserve shame, but blood attracts vultures... I need to know how to ask for help, and how to put pain aside to enjoy life anyway again...
Exactly
9:20 Omg Speaking of hairdressers, my last one asked me about my age, my marital status, what I like to do in my free time, about my family,etc. Just do my hair and please don’t ask me any personal questions for the love of privacy! I won’t be going back to him!
Wow! I think some hairdressers like to chat and make conversation, but that does seem like a lot of very personal questions. Someone needs some healthy boundaries!
Haha society has forgotten what boundries are
I'm confused about this because I work in a salon and we are literally trained on how to talk with clients whether it's about home life, what hobbies a client has, how their family is, etc. I have so many clients that share stories and pictures with me of their life and I feel like I have pretty close relationships with them. Granted I'm not pushing for info about someone if they don't want to share but I always ask because having some kind of relationship with someone you see every 2 weeks for nails or every couple months for hair is normal because you spend a LOT of time together. More than some people see their friends and family. It's pretty normal for people providing beauty services to ask these questions, it's part of our job depending on where we work.
@@daniellajones2558 I think the type of relationship you are referring to deveops with time. This was a new salon and a new hair stylist and we were complete strangers to one another but right away he started asking very personal questions that are frankly no one’s business. I felt put on the spot as other clients and staff were listening. I personally do not go to a salon to socialize. I understand for some people that is a part of the appointment and that is fine if they are comfortable with it. I prefer the stylist to be friendly and professional and not make too much small talk. I just want to relax and there to be peace in my mind while I get the service I pay for. And I disagree- its not normal or polite for a stranger to ask these sort of questions when I just met them. It can develop over time and depending on the level of comfort on the customers side.
@@daniellajones2558 I get the sentiment but I wish there was more honesty involved there. It's so disappointing when they keep starting up conversations by asking a question and then never following up.. it's just not helpful. Ideally you'd be interested in the answers but I get it.. you have a lot of clients and you can't keep this up 24/7 and with every single person. Maybe I have too high expectations. It feels very personal when you sit there and get your hair done.. but you are still strangers and it's a transaction in the end. I'm just too desperate to make friends and it shows.
A much needed message after a difficult few days. I can relate to all of what is said here. In my younger years, before I even understood what healthy boundaries were (I grew up in a family riddled with mental illness), I overshared and wondered why people walked away. It felt so lonely. Thankfully I discovered the wonderful world of counselling and gradually learned to develop healthy boundaries and learn about the different levels of relationships, i.e. strangers/acquaintances/distant friends/close friends/intimate relationships - each requiring a different set of engagement rules. I learned to keep my deeper feelings for either my counsellor or those relationships that were intimate or close. Everyone else didn’t need to know my business.
I’m in my late 50’s now. I’m a retired mental health nurse. I recently met a younger woman at a writing event. On the surface she gave no sign of mental health difficulties. We both shared a passion for writing poetry, or so I thought. I agreed to attend a poetry writing retreat with her and I drove us both to this event. It wasn’t until we were shortly into our journey that she began to open up about her emotional difficulties, disclosing highly personal details to me, someone she barely knew. I tried to encourage her gently to be careful about sharing like this as I knew from my experience, how vulnerable she was making herself. Fortunately she had already recognised her issues and had begun seeing a counsellor.
It was a challenging weekend break because I noticed that she continued to spill out everything with everyone she met on the retreat. Always on a one to one basis, never in group situations. When we were in group situations she became withdrawn and moody. Afterwards she approached me and asked if I had noticed she had gone quiet. I said I hadn’t because I was trying not to encourage open discussion, but then she complained that no one noticed her and how she was feeling. By now I’m having massive warning bells going off in my head.
On the journey back I kept bringing the conversation back to the importance of keeping going with counselling, and how not to expect a quick fix but that the results will unfold over time and be well worth the effort. As I dropped her off she was fishing to be invited to visit me where I live because I’m such a good listener. I dodged that one stating, truthfully, that I had a really busy schedule over the next few months - I was in the middle of another poetry writing course with a high workload in between classes. I’m also learning to play the piano and had a piano exam in that month so I needed my own space to knuckle down on my studies. I said that we could meet for coffee perhaps, in London, in a few months time. She was ok about this when I dropped her off.
Nothing prepared me for the onslaught of text messages over the following weeks. It began with a simple hi, how are you, then quickly morphed into ‘I’m so missing you.” I must confess that in my stress and need to deal with messages quickly, I did respond to that one with a quick message saying “that’s nice, missing you too.” Why did I say that? Things moved rapidly. She reverted to sharing her feelings with me by text. So I tried ignoring. That didn’t work.
So I set a boundary. I felt terrible because I could see in her, the girl I used to be. But I could see that to keep engaging by listening to her was not helping her to develop healthy boundaries and the ability to discern who to disclose deeply personal stuff to. I was honest in my boundary setting but also gentle- I said I was confused by her last message which had started with her saying she knew I had a piano exam coming up, and then she shared something deeply personal about her state of mind at that time, and then it ended with a cheery and how are you. I said I thought she was doing the right thing to see a counsellor but said that I could not respond to any further messages because I felt as if she was using me more like a therapist than a friend and that it would be better if she took the problem feelings stuff to her counsellor. Ouch! That was direct I know and I suffered pangs of guilt for quite a few hours. I felt guilty because I have always encouraged people to talk openly about their problems. But what I didn’t think about was how vulnerable this makes someone if they haven’t yet developed healthy boundaries and discernment in who they can share deeper feelings with.
This girl tried to respond but I don’t know what she was trying to say because she deleted the messages.
A long story I know. But I think this is an important subject to talk about.
i overshare about my emotions and mental health and then get filled up with the feeling of regret.
I understand if people do this though because some people are just in dire need to express themselves or open up. People are in need to be heard and it’s sad that they don’t have that in their social circles to which they go to an extend to find that comfort with a total stranger.
True. Happens to the best of us. Please be kind to yourself. It's all about balance. Be KIND no matter what.
You are allowed to make mistakes and you are allowed to have these experiences and learn from them.
It takes time but it works!
Good advice on analyzing the nature of the relationship. It's so simple and straightforward but easily forgotten when distressed.
And yes, be mindful.
Will keep it in mind, thank you.
Did anyone ever stop to think that there might be something very wrong with a society that can't handle vulnerability from another? Yes you cover your face when faced with bright headlights but do you turn and walk away when you can see someone drowning or injured? No wonder people are so miserable in a world where you have to approach everyone and everything with an air of distrust and suspicion. It may feel necessary to protect ourselves in this world but maybe it isn't those who so called overshare that are the problem? Those of us who do this maybe need to ask ourselves how we react when people "overshare" with us? Do we run for cover or do we appreciate their candor and vulnerability and does our heart reach out to them, do we help even if it is by merely listening or suggesting they may benefit in talking to someone with the skills to help if we feel we cannot. Sometimes all that people need is someone to talk to, to hear their words echoed in a way that may give them insight into themselves. I feel privileged when people feel they can be open with me and I would never think to make them feel bad about it. At the same time I try not to judge those who react insensitively as that is their right and it cannot be helped in a world where we are taught that feelings can be bad. Just a thought...
No one really cares in my opinion. Professional s Listen because they get rewarded with a sum of money and then on to the next one. Others love to be able to voice but do not listen. Life is so superficial. That is why so many people feel disconnect no trust or not properly heard.
Now I get why sometimes I feel weird when people I barely know share deep, painful things. Even though I am an INFJ and tend to attract this, I couldn't make sense of my feelings around it until now. Thank you!
Really glad it brought some clarity - thanks for letting me know!
I'm an INFJ too. People are always over shared with me. Even complete strangers do it. I'm now almost 67, and have just now developed coping strategies for dealing with people I do not know well and strangers doing talkaholic numbers on me.
My God ! Sometimes, I act like this, specially after a long time of loneliness when I feel frustrated. When i'm tired or overwelmed ! Do I have to stay at home alone when I feel a bit depressed ? I know it's not healthy.
We all feel like you your not alone.. I struggle to go out in public anymore.. I don't really trust people anymore..
You Sound just like me ! I often make myself feel Sick with regret, after yet another bout of oversharing... God it's Awful isn't it ?
Yes!!! We are human beings and are constantly searching for connection. It makes sense that when we haven’t had it for a while we become desperate, try to create a connection, and sometimes overshare. It happens to most of us. Forgive yourself and charge on warrior
@@BrittanySchank thank you for the reply (and all others too) and I thank the one who asked the question; it was pertinent to my current situation (and yes, do forgive! It happens to the best of us)
I love the "treat it as parallel" ... I recently did a lot of oversharing with A Lot of different people and am still dealing with a vulnerability hangover. Trying not to feel too guilty for assaulting people and violating boundaries in that way. I was just around the same people everyday and mistook the amount of time around each other for actual closeness. Hard Lesson Learned.
Loose lips sinks ships.
That close friend, relative, spouse has the goods that can cause you severe pain and embarrassment
I've learned over the years not to overshare.
Good for you Karen!
But my butcher really listens... ;)
Must be a good butcher! ;-)
well, see, there's the crux of the problem. How do you build relationships with others, especially when people seem interested in their phones more than anything else? Or in situations where people already have a network and aren't interested in extending it? Then you have no one and that increases the chance that you'll feel so lonely you're over-sharing with anyone who'll listen, even if it's a gamble and feels vulnerable.
Exactly! When you have no one it's hard to keep everything stuffed in. And when therapy is too expensive you can' t always "unload" to a therapist. There should be some sort of alternative lol
Needed to hear this! I've done it so much and have been left feeling awful and lonely. Your explanation makes sense. Really clicked for me. Thanks. ❤️
Bea - I'm so so glad it connected. I hope it helps moving forward to have a bit of a game plan.
I think any conversation about oversharing is incomplete without discussing trauma and how that meter of what appropriate sharing is gets broken, while (especially if it's childhood trauma) causing people to overshare in either a flight/fawn response or out of desperation at not being seen/heard/attuned to in earlier life.
Isn't possible that we struggle with asking for what we need because we have been denied so many times before that we begin to think we'll only get turned down again?
well, Ive been in a lot of relationships that I thought were friendships where I overshared and people used it against me when they got upset with me or where I have told them my personal buisness when they didnt tell me NOTHING about them and judged me by saying " that was your fault" or " that should have told you something RIGHT THERE" and that is why Im getting out of the habit of telling people all of my buisness cuz some people just go off on what they see other folks do.
Yes I've felt that kind of hangover.
And a few times when I was actually talking my jaw would start shaking and I would start trembling like I was really cold.
Then I don't want to go on with the conversation. I vacillate between not sharing at all and over sharing. The depth of the relationship equaling the depth of sharing is a helpful tool. One of my best friends that I've known for years is a more superficial relationship. We talk about the news, politics, history and books... But not about our feelings. When I've tried to go there it doesn't feel safe. Now I know why! Thank you!
That’s interesting that you have a best friend, but the relationship is superficial and there’s no feelings discussed. I’ve never heard of that before.
No it's not a good idea to share all your personal information on the internet it will always come back to haunt you, we'll come and get you a creates monsters out of people he goes they become self-absorbed they have setting themselves up for trouble it may take weeks months or years but it will come back to haunt you you're better off keeping your mouth shut in Les you're talkin to the closest people family in your life the public don't need to know all the details about what's going on in your life not good!!!!
I'm really in the need right now but I don't have anyone close enough to talk to; so I can't help myself but share my story anywhere where I can potentially get some support...
What about the person who is your best friend for 30 years and they still don’t want to hear it because “they can’t do anything about it”?
Well Carol, at that point we just have to let people make their own choices, and we make our own choices about how we want to manage ourselves when they do.
Well..if you have complained about the same for 30 years, I agree with BF. Otherwise...think that in fact she is a BF or not!
She's not a best friend! Sorry!
I don't know if this is helpful but I used to do this and sometimes I still do if I'm stressed over something which is usually none of my business in the first place. Things become clear if I write it out on paper. As many pages a I need to. I'm on the other end of over sharing more often now and I can say this is awful to be on that side of it too. It feels stressful for me to have people dump all there emotions on me.
I don't like deep relationships, people are not trustworthy.
I have gone 1000 % private, humans hate me because I am try and move on, in my life, I can turn my hands to making any thing on my home and my back yard,
Iv feel like iv got such a big gob at times i go home feeling terrible and scared that the person iv opened up to will betray my confidece and ill end up falling out with people i luv
Yes, I've experienced a 'vulnerability hangover.'
THANK YOU for putting it this way. I feel this. Going to listen to this a few times for it to stick. THANK YOU, Julia. xo
Giving away too much to people who do not deserve it feels bad. They will think you are rich, and will come to expect it from you in the future.
Thank you again for taking the time in creating these empowering videos. They've been helping me through so much. Especially when feeling alone.
Music to my ears Carlos - Good for YOU for investing in yourself.
I think when I do trust someone, share something deep with them and find that they respond with kindness and empathy, I falsely assume that this can set the tone of the relationship and that they're comfortable with further sharing. I don't realise that I'm being too much because coping with childhood trauma is my 'normal' and it does largely affect my life on a daily basis, so sharing things which are intense but feel fairly mundane to me are probably waaay too much for the other person to continue to hear about.
It's definitely something I need/want to be more mindful of in future. It's embarrassing when the other person steps back and I have that "Oh crap, I've overshared again" moment! Perhaps it's just best if I relate to other people's experiences if they share them (and if I'm comfortable to do so) but hold my own back for therapy or specialised support groups.
Great video, thank you so much! It was exactly this kind of guidance on the issue that I was looking for. 👍
'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' may prove insightful for you, on RUclips as well as this great channel.
This is why I no longer discuss my hobbies on Facebook.. It is really no one's business anyway..
I do work at having boundaries but other people don't. And then people get mad at me because I am cold, or distant or to quiet or tell me and everyone that I don't care. What the??!
I agree but I think it's safe to share on the internet because it's anonymous and it's usually on a discussion about the thing you have in common so the matter over shared is what links you. It is a valve that prevents you from letting it all flood out with real life acquaintances. I know when I was just newly separated I nearly told the postman my life story. I can see now I scared people away!
Because I have in-home caregivers, I have a lot of people coming in and out of my house. So many of them feel comfortable in my presence and will overshare too much and far too early. But because they see me in a vulnerable position they feel like I would be someone to trust, perhaps? It's really awkward to stop them and not hurt their feelings, while still getting them to do the work. What do you call a reverse vulnerability hangover? It's because I end up feeling like their confessor.
Question: after doing that and feeling frustrated, what can be done to feel better?
I for sure give too much too soon and don’t know how to control it :( I feel like an open book, lacking the ability to connect with people.. too eager to connect. Starving for connection it seems. So I put myself out there... I feel like I’m unable to interact with people
I feel like i overshare at the drs and Im always feeling embarrassed after
What if you don't have anyone to share that deep shit with? :(
😢😢😢😢 i hate how i talk to much ,. Give too much ,
I know I’ve over shared when someone says, “TMI!” 😂 I laugh to keep from crying.
I used to overshare a lot with people who I thought were safe to open up to and I learned my lesson the hard way to never do that again. From now on I only open up to people who I've been extremely close friends with for many years, and a few family members.
I don't mind when people overshare with me, though. It shows that I give a trustworthy vibe and I'm pretty open minded.
just overshared and i feel so stupid
This was such a good video(:
Yes I have felt ashamed and odd after sharing too soon before - to answer your question. I have also been on the opposite end of this as well. I used to have a coworker who constantly would lash out about how suicidal he was, how messed up his family was, how insecure he was. My coworkers and I tried our best to comfort him, but yes it was a bit much...HR had helped him to get counseling. He no longer works with us, but this video reminded me of him so much!
Oh wow, Michelle - that is tough! My heart goes out to people who are going through stuff like that - but you're right - sharing intimate details like that with co-workers often isn't appropriate.
I usually dont trust anyone but recently I had that vulnerability hangover by sharing too much too soon 😖
I identify with this and have a tendency to overshare ... sometimes too much too soon in a relationship and sometimes just inappropriately and it has ruined budding relationships and caused me problems in other scenarios. It's something I definitely need to be mindful of and this is extremely useful, Julia, thank you.
Sophie, I'd be lying if I said I'd never done it myself - and hadn't had to learn the hard way too. I am much more mindful of it now and realize that people have to earn the right to bear witness to the depths of my soul. #inthistogether! xo
I had this today while talking with a former teacher and over shared with her in my mind and left feeling like “ What just happened and why did I do that”
Sometimes is better to share with stranger on internet, with a people around you live is no Edith option
Thank you Julia
Fair enough!
I tend to overshare because I see nothing wrong with the information I'm giving. It was just life. Its not deep or meaningful or sad to me, it's just what happened. So I genuinely don't really know how to give surface answers because I don't know when something is too much unless I'm told it is. I get all the time that I'm such a vulnerable person, but to me none of that is being vulnerable. I'm always open and honest about who I am so to me it's the equivalent of talking about the weather, or your dreams in life. Giving current information (on the other hand) like address, school I went to, name, age, etc is way more personal to me than telling people things like my mom has a mental capacity of a 12 year old or the issues me and my siblings had with my parents growing up. Past information that doesn't help a person find me is way less "deep and personal" than current information that could lead someone to me. Maybe it's a social cue thing I've never picked up on, but I severely struggle with oversharing sexual things, childhood traumas, or whatever else. It never bothers me when people don't care, because it's not information I'm trying to hide so to me it's like someone not caring when I talk about the weather.
I know it's a problem, I just don't really know how to fix it 😂
Being able to navigate what makes it too much is definitely my issue.
Yeah I think if you are talking to the right person they will be able to relate and to some extent it can be a way to cut through the crap and get right down to substance. People who can't handle it are unable to relate or uncomfortable because they themselves can't share things. I think I have used it as a means to test people as well and you can tell the people apart whose relationships are only ever surface level. They will have their eyes wide open in shock because they can't compute how you could just share something like that.
Sometimes it's not a choice anyways.. when you are so in the middle of it and you have to tell someone but there is no one to talk to.. then you offload onto whoever is available. And I refuse to see that as a bad thing, people should be able to rely on each other. It's a modern phenomenom that you are surrounded by strangers most of the time.
I think we would get along just fine and some filters are just unnecessary if you are with the right people.
You can't please everyone, might as well stop trying.
i shared a bunch of poems about my traumas and mental illnesses at once on instagram six months ago and i'm still having a vulnerability hungover
I spilled the beans and now my friend stays clear. I wish I knew this before. 😢
I have overshared and others have overshared with me too quickly and I remember immediately become fearful and sad (I absorb energies very easily). I am not trying to but because the relationship wasn't at that level yet I could not handle its, no one's fault but it makes sense why it happens.
This is one of your best advice videos.... thank you 😊
Roxanne - that means a lot to me - so grateful it connected with you.
Omg I didn't know there was an actual video ot falls perfectly as I currently dealing with this I find myself being really easy chatting on the depth of my life with strangers on the internet more than I am with my own family so yes
I feel regret 😢
Thank you , asking myself "how much I trust that person" can be most of help for me , I believe . Merry Christmas! 😀
Absolutely. And Merry Christmas to you too!!
I wish I had known what oversharing was 30 years ago. Looking back, I had a bad case of it. So much so, that I felt physically sick every time I overshared and had no idea they were connected.
Thanks for putting a name to my feeling. I hate that feeling. I think people are basically good so I feel comfortable sharing but I get it now. Thanks. You are great at explaining.
I struggle more with being super uncomfortable when someone overshares (from my pov). Maybe it's just me being very closed and sharing not a lot so it kind of brothers me if others do so🤔
We all have different things we're comfortable with Juibelly - the important thing is to respect where you're at.
I think some people put you on the back foot immediately, and this can make you need to explain yourself. I have such an acquaintance, she clearly didn’t want me to join her group she founded … the other day I found myself explaining my relationship with my ex to her, as if being amicable was some kind of shameful behaviour. I left thinking “ what just happened”?
if you pick this up with certain individuals, be hyper conscious when you’re around them, and how they project their own stuff onto you, and trying to bring you down a peg or two by making you explain yourself. Politely call them out and move on.
I've been recovering from being a lifelong people pleaser and I recently realized that I've been stuck in a chronic vulnerability hangover from oversharing. So much better now that I'm learning how to be more private and protect myself.
Familiar with vulnerability hang over. I've found myself unconsciously and even intentionally pushing people back and away by over-sharing, a lot like a smash and grab.
i absolutely had this vulerablity hang over recently. I wasnt sure why i kept sharing and sharing but something just made me thing that it was ok to do so in the situation i was in and i had a sort of confirmation when the other person shared as well. But i feel as if they then shut me out after the fact, and it is the most irritating and soul crushing feeling. Interesting to know this is a common thing
I overshare and over explain. I love knowing how something I’m interested in works inside and out so when I’m asked about it I explain it the way I want it explained to me and usually people think I’m trying to make them feel dumb. As far as oversharing I wasn’t always like this but now if I get a hold of someone I just unload! I have finally gotten to a point that I realize I’m doing it but no matter how loud my brain screams SHUT UP!!! I can’t stop it. It’s so embarrassing and humiliating
A guy sent me a dm on Instagram. He shared so much with me in his second email, it sounded to good to be true. I asked him, is he really who he says he is, because a lot of people hide behind computers pretending to be someone else. He emailed me back and said, I'm going to end this here, good luck in my search. I wasn't the one searching. Thank you for this video, it helped me understand why he said what he said. Great advice!
Oh wow- that is really interesting! So glad this connected Crystal.
struggling with how to field personal invasive question I frequently receive from my clients. I am a esthetichian and while I’m in service client’s frequently ask me the most invasive questions. Including my age, address, if I’m married, if I have children, family planning, details abt my romantic relationships, etc Sadly nothing is off the table today and complete stranger’s ask the most personal questions. I’m having a tough time establishing boundaries.
Just rewatched this and I would like to say that we fully share with our own tribe. Amazon tribes share their skillset so openly and deeply that the learning time for shooting a bow, at what I would say is olympic standard, is very short. When teaching someone we should focus on doing the thing and on all the wisdom that goes with the skill and do it deeply and openly, sharing in spirit all that is the knowledge on the skill. When closed groups stop sharing key skills important for humanities survival because they keep the knowledge to have power over other groups, what then? But yes certain types of knowledge are forbidden or taboo.
I have a lot of vulnerability hangovers, I often find myself sharing things I regret sharing and I end up feeling bad. Also I know I overshare because most people I share with don't reciprocate.... like now....I just overshared. I think I don't see certain topics or events as private....help me please!!!
Thank you Julia, what you are doing for people is immense. I am glad I have found you :-)