I find it so sad when you realise they don’t want to find solutions or make things better, they just want to dump all their negative energy on you and use you. There is no love.
That's it. My mum would rather lose me than have ONE conversation with me where she admits that she hurt me. Unless I agree that I hurt her (asking her to stop labelling me) then she will give me the silent treatment forever. Although she'll deny that, despite having drafted other members of the family into give me the cold shoulder!
Dont under estimate your own healing after your abuses from the narc. They did everything to try and unpack into you what they feel and how they feel. Its the ultimate way to let go too. ❤🎉
@@beejer119 You will do it , you got this ! Where I have gotten to lately with this is to remember : their actions are measured by the impact of their action, not their claimed intentions. I remember that their excuses would not work anywhere else.
In my own experience I’ve decided that empathy is an emotion, a sense I don’t want to switch off. Makes me a better person. Helps me understand myself and others. However, it’s very different from giving in, condoning, or reacting to a person’s bad behavior. In fact saying no, neutralizing someone’s destructiveness is probably the most compassionate act I can do for them. I realized often it wasn’t empathy but pity that made me acquiesce.
Always remember that every narc accusation is a confession. There is no need to react angrily to them because they are talking about themselves. When they say anything, just quietly and unemotionally say "oh" and walk away.
Keeping yourself bland to avoid triggering their rage is very effective, but it comes at such a price. Losing your aliveness, spontaneity, and playful personality is usually the cost, not to mention high blood pressure, increased migraine, and more rapid aging on all fronts
I agree with both of you. ❤❤❤😊 I was outside chatting with a friend, laughing. Narc says “you were laughing”. Yes, yes I was. I make it a point to do something for myself every day. Getting my laughter back on rock at a time.
❤Right! You are a good person and why should you have to change your personality to suit them. Get away as far away and as soon as possible! Run! There is help and healing on the other side! Choose to be FREE from the trauma and HAPPY once again! You deserve it for the rest of your LIFE! ❤
Gray rocking isn't going to work long term if you live with somebody because they catch on right away that your personality is changed and that enrages them. If you live with them you constantly have to Parlay in morph into something else
@@TruthInspectornot necessarily. A covert narcissist doesn't see very deeply. They're focused on themselves and how people react to them. As long as there isn't criticism or a fight, and you're still fulfilling your function of bringing them status or working on their behalf, they don't care much about your personality at home.
And the crippling anxiety and panic attacks that comes over at times. In the beginning its a bit a struggle as one just wants to reach out and interact with them, ask them why! But it definitely gets easier over time. Cheers.
@@Spartan_NyzikoYep, I have the same problem. It takes a LOT of willpower to stay calm. It’s why I’ve gone no contact with my father. It’s the only way for peace of mind and spirit.
Compartmentalize is what I've done. Raised by military dad. It does not work for me with my narc. He knows exactly how to push my buttons and does it so often that I never get a chance to recover.
Thank you Dr Ramani. This is 100% true, it works. I was respectful but I remained an ISLAND they had no access to. They had no knowledge of what I was thinking or feeling. Grey rock is a road to peace.
I totally see now how the narcissists are just trying to pick fights to get us to react so we look bad. I will never interact with them like that again. The dread and exhaustion is totally a messenger. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I'm convinced they are addicted to chaos and drama. They somehow feel alive while the rest of us are just DONE. Not reacting (if you can't get out) is literally the way to go.
When they try to push your buttons to bring you down. Smile try to think about all the things that make you happy and never let narcissists know that what they do or say hurts you.
That's a good idea. I sort of do something similar. I have a place to go to mentally that really helps. I spent some time in the desert, for a couple weeks. That's my place, and I earned it. When I'm there, all words from the narc disappear in the wind. "I am the desert, and you are outmatched"
One of the last things I remember my mother saying before she died was "I like to fight". Our house was like a circular firing squad. The point of the game was to shoot the other members of the family and do as much damage without killing them. Spouses could join but you could never leave the game. Those that would not engage were seen as pathetic wimps. What a pathetic existence.
I don't know what I was thinking that day I wrote that. I'm sorry if it sounded rude. I know better. My mother let me know she had purposely abused me before she died too. And my doctor let me know as he was retiring. Sorry you had to grow up with that.
Its so very hard to not react , to not want to defend yourself against the lies, character attacks, smear campaigns snd gaslighting in all forms ... but having your family /kid inducted as their flying monkey to help attack, hurt and ignore you as much as possible is the worst. I just concentrate on my healing, recovery and growth while I silently grieve the relationship that I wanted and did not get from him. His behavior and attacks are all so devious, deceitful, unfair, illegal hurtful and mean truly dispicable & shameful 💔 😢
Don’t defend to some one who attacked it , if he knew the value first place he won’t have attacked it . Usually the narc is devious and hurtful becos that’s how they r to themselves then how we expect the narc to be good to us ?
I think one of THE hardest is when they accuse YOU of doing something awful that they themselves are 100% doing and in total denial of (it seems); like some trauma that you are struggling with and they pretend that YOU are doing it to THEM. Ugh. It really helps when videos like this warn you that it will happen and that it is COMMON for them to do things like this.
Oh oh oh I played right into his hands for years. Shouted ranted, raged, swore loudly. For about 12 years. For the next 2 years I learned about Grey rock and used it. Not perfectly. He still managed to push my buttons. Divorced and left June 2017. Not one angry day since then. I found I'm actually easy going!!!
Thank you for the definition of gray rocking. For years, I called interactions with certain family members, "taking all the emotion out of my voice." Until, like you said, a pressure valve blows eventually, and then I was labeled unhinged and over emotional, the b word, etc. Gray rocking has now turned into no contact as I heal from years of toxic behaviors, including my own.
Loved the term "tactical dissociation"! Reading a paragraph long rage rant from a narcissistic co-parent and then replying with a simple "Ok", is the best feeling ever. Once you do your inner healing, especially around wounds of being scapegoated and persecuted, and as a result truly see the extent of how delusional they are, the projection will trigger you less and less, and you feel like a giant reacting to an ant jumping up and down trying to hurt you.
I've gone to the point now that I don't feel anything except humor when my narcs go off. Getting to that point was definitely the hardest thing I've done but being able to watch a narc go off and finding myself watching from a distance is priceless. They can't hit a target that no longer exists. And when I start speaking calmly to them, they loose their minds. Greatest thing ever.
@melissacase8066 Learning to laugh at all the nonsense (but never letting them know) is s great way of releasing the tension after any contact. If you can't laugh, you cry.
But why would you want the narcissistic relationship to be the same after grey rocking? If it changes, you become more detached then that is for the better right?
I grew up in a working-class Chicago neighborhood where kids of all ages interacted constantly. Though my childhood was tough, I did get to learn from older girls how to handle overly aggressive boys, who would try to interact with us without our permission. The girls simply ignored them. And unfortunately, there were a lot of guys who tried to catch girls’ attention by yelling pathetic pick up lines and catcalls. When that didn’t work, they’d resort to saying all kinds of perverted and insulting things that they hoped would pull the girl into paying attention to them. “Just ignore them” was the best advice I got and I learned how to use it in so many different ways. So I guess I’ve been gray rocking for quite some time and it probably saved me from a lot of additional narcissistic abuse.
Two question pls Do those kind of men do this so as to get your attention and then pull you and nto a conversation and drag tou with them and all ? 2. When you ignore such people or lioe bullies...how to manage the anger and hate generated due to such interaction.
@@sharicoburn5475 nope, this was decades ago. It wasn’t illegal or considered to be that bad. It was typical male behavior in the community we lived in.
@@TurbulantSynider To answer your questions: 1.) We rarely considered their motive because it was a short term survival tactic. It was girls learning psychological self-defense. And it was very effective except in the most extreme cases. 2.) These weren’t people we were involved with. They were strangers. I talked about managing anger with a narcissist you have to deal with on a regular basis in another comment: it’s important to find a release through whatever you discover work best for your self. For me it’s intense exercise, including kick boxing. Doing regular journaling and getting as much time and distance from the narcissist as possible so you can be yourself without judgment is also essential, because it’s like going no contact for short periods of time.
Awesome. Good for you. I removed the malignant narcissist from everywhere and paid no attention to the random strangers that tried to distract me. Realized later that they were his flying monkeys.
I became a quiet mute / non reactive when I was 15 because nothing else was safe. Then got blamed for decades for never talking to family like normal anymore all my life. I guess this is different than gray rocking? I was just trying to survive as a kid, and it was a final ptsd event in the family toward me that spurred my silence. I swore I’d never be myself again. Not sure how this relates to gray rocking, but seems like it’s what ramani was talking about being careful with it, that it can be antagonistic too. Understandably, it’s taken me a few decades to heal and gather myself back.
🙏💜🇿🇦 I intuitively learnt to Gray Rock as a teenager. My first marriage, I did the screaming & fist thumping. Only when prove yourself to be loopier than them, will they stop the torment. They can drive you to insanity. Second marriage, gray rocking started after 6 years, and by 21 years, we were down to yes &no. A Widow now, it's taking me far longer to start up my own life, after having lived in a tin for most of my life. Getting there. Big elephant, small teaspoon. 😂❤
"It's literally the hardest thing you can do." YEP. Still working on it but Dr Ramini give's me hope that I'll develop the skill. Each encounter is an opportunity to practice. Thank goodness for her and for Buddhism.
I can remember ‘switching off’ my emotions and reactions when walking towards my narcissistic mother. I didn’t know what it was called then, it just seemed the best way to survive. It was interesting that you used the ‘vampire’ example because when I was young I had many, many dreams that my mother and father were vampires
@@MaryB-tx2xq That's amazing you had those dreams because when I was 16 I had a nightmare that my mother and sister were witches but they were convincing the people in our town that I was a witch. I had to board up my door with wood but the townspeople still got me and I woke up drenched in sweat with my adrenaline shooting through the roof as they were burning me at the stake.
Brilliantly said dr Ramani. There is no difference between a narcissist and someone mentally unstable who is claiming to be one. Engaging in madness gives it credence and we should not enable evil behaviour. Thank you so much. God bless you ❤
You have to learn to do just enough to make them think you still care. While you plan your exit. Its so empowering. Tactical dissociation! GENIUS. That is what I am doing.😂
I've been grey rocking for about three years now and am sure that there really is a physical and mental toll to not speaking my mind. However, the toll of fruitlessly wrestling in the mud with the Narc proved to be even worse. Sooo...I choose to continue to grey rock but also address the physical toll through exercise, healthy diet and socializing with positive individuals. It's like everything else in dealing with a Narc--There really are no good solutions; Only less damaging ones.
Yeah so on point. The key is to save that energy and use it elsewhere. Not saying that I have been able to achieve that successfully. It is still a work in progress.
Dr Ramani. YOU ARE A GENIUS! thanks to you answering my question in live I was able to see my beloved aging dad first time in years, talk to him more than ever before, not engage with mother dearest and come back not absolutely broken and destroyed mentally. I owe you, my amazing therapist and my support team my sanity. I have learned so much from your videos. I'll be forever grateful. Very best wishes, g
I did really a couple days ago on a lunch with him. I literally had to prep myself the whole drive there. It was a very mundane, until I accidentally did react, then it was odd, at my breif upset he smirked, yeah that put me right back on track & gray rock back on track. It has been so long since I felt proud, we are at the beginning of the end.
Having support is invaluable when grey rocking. I don't think I could hold back if I didn't have someone to talk to that understood and supported. Last week, I was getting some horrific texts from my ex, we have a child together so I can't completely ignore her. I was grey rocking, only simple answers, so she kept getting worse. I was about to hit send on a very heated response to her most deplorable texts. I can take attacks on me but she went after the kids. I instead called my pastor who knows the whole situation. He listened to me vent and encouraged me to not respond and just save her texts for evidence if I need it. Remember, there is NOTHING you can say to ever get through to a narcissist. Don't respond, let them torture themselves. Everything they are saying about you, they're really feeling about themselves.
This happened with the narcissistic sister in law who purposely verbally attacked me at a family dinner because I keep boundaries with her. I was cornered and had no choice but to stand up for myself and tell her to stop. She wouldn’t stop yelling insults at me until I finally snapped and yelled back. I then had to defend and explain myself to my family as to why I finally got mad back. I have tolerated so much crap from her over the years, just not tolerating anymore. Next time hopefully I can just walk away, it’s hard when you’re cornered and attacked out of the blue. Survival and a natural defence kicks in. Giving myself lots of grace. Not believing her lies. Won’t engage again despite her trying to manipulate and control me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 keep up the hard work! This is never easy the first or second time around. You can also respond by saying “that’s interesting. What makes you say that?” But you have to be neutral when you ask that question. At that point, they have to explain their hateful and hurtful words and it takes away their momentum. It also gives you time to take a breath and follow up with continued gray rocking to let them know how absurd and ridiculous they appear. it takes time to get to that point because you have to be very calm, but once you get there, you’re at the beginningof shutting them down completely.
I had this happen with an aunt and her daughter. Fam holiday. For years held up by them. All the little kids waiting to open presents. Every year cousin would walk in with a pot of un-cooked potatoes. Yep. A few hours later mashed potatoes appeared. I got attacked by them. It was funny. I did want to slap their artificially inflated faces off. All I said was why are you making kids wait for you and your potatoes? (Because narcs run in my family) They were screaming. I never went to an event with them again.😂
@@elaynepallist572 thanks but I actually did this. I asked her why she was talking to me like that, but she didn’t answer, just continued to yell insults at me. I told her to stop, and I did stay in a calm grey rock energy, but she continued. It doesn’t matter what I did, she would have done it.
"Ok" "yes" "no" "I don't know" "that's nice" etc. are my go-to's when Gray Rocking narcs. I don't really go deeper than that. All personal information, opinions, emotions, reactions are weaponized against you, so I opt out.
Grey rock is a new phrase in my nearly acquired narc vocabulary. This is so invaluable. It will be challenging but I can see the merit. Thanks Dr Ramani and people who’ve left comments before me
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
@@thompsonlauren1004 if any abuse victim can hire a private investigator then seeking info beyond you tube, such as counseling (qualified Narc abuse) would occur. My Narc famdamnly have mega wealth. Me, not so much other than a LOVING God that holds my inheritance safe from the TOXIC love these demon's intend for me to follow.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!!!!!!! NOBEL PEACE PRICE FOR YOU 🎖️ I’m in the dread & exhaustion phase now and I live with and work (gardening Thank heavens) with him also! 🎪🎬🥁💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃
For me, the perfect follow up to gray rocking is no contact. Even if the no contact stage is temporary, it’s the chance to really vent and take out all of the anger built-up from dealing with their lies and cruelty. It can be you going to the gym and doing a very vigorous workout, including kickboxing. Or it could be journaling and writing down all the things you actually feel about that person. but if you have to be in a situation long-term and need to do gray rock for your own peace of mind, it’s essential that you do find a place to vent your frustration in a safe space about that toxic individual.
I need this. I need help with tactical disassociation. I do a lot of gray rocking, but I can tell that my attitude is coming through it and I don’t want that at all. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!🤗
It helps so much to truly "get" that the Narc's entire goal is to destabilize you emotionally to regulate their own lousy feelings about themself. (They don't have any interest in truth or facts or the topic they're even arguing about.) No one can gray rock for eternity, some of it for me was learning when to walk away and limit exposure before my gray rock could crack. Best of Luck!
At some point, you feel powerless and unable to speak your mind and voice your concerns. However, that's the goal of narcs, to keep their victims silent
I think of gray rocking as finding my inner peace. It is not so much a battle tactic as it is a reminder that I am my own person and I can find a centered place within me that the Narc cannot take away. I gray rock when I am having a load of crap thrown at me, and I don’t share anything that can be weaponized against me later, and I remind myself that I do indeed have my own identity and my own way of doing things and my own thoughts. Gray rocking brings me back to myself, and that brings me peace.
I have been trying grey rocking for couple of years now since I first have came across dr. Ramani channel. Every time I follow gray rocking, it works. Every time I react, it does not. It is helpful to me to hear it again and again, that if person 'knows with 100% certainty' my intentions, perception of things and my emotions, this person lives in la-la-land. Gaslighting gets under my skin even if I can see it now and I can name it. That is why I find this YT channel so helpful. I can come back for the reminder and clarity what is what. Thank you again, dr Ramani.
Dr. Ramani, I've been opening up to my counselor about issues with my dad (alcoholic narcissist) and I've been mindfully listening to your videos. I'm a 31 year old male and just really struggling with the humiliation, invalidation, gaslighting and disappointment I've been burdened with. I appreciate you making these videos.
A family member told me when I went over for MY LAST Thanksgiving (wth those people), That was eight years ago), "Oh, well, the husband thought you had gone home." I turned around and asked them politely, "Why did your husband think I had left? I'm normally a quiet person." They dared to turn around and say, "No, you're not!" I held my poker face and didn't engage further. In my head, I was thinking to myself (Screaming at the top of my lungs), "OK, YOU"RE NOT ME You'reTELLING ME what my personality is supposed to be like?" THANKS FOR THAT
I practised grey rocking with my mom on the phone. She seighted: ”You’re so weird now!” She tried to pump up information from me and I just was a ”grey rock”.
I used gray rocking years before I knew that anyone else had done this (my older brother was the main narcissist bully)! My rules: minimum communication, no emotion, no crying! Sometimes I would act as though the narcissist was invisible! Working great! But also ... the dynamics of my family changed in unexpected ways. I was asked if I was sick. I thought I had unacceptable power! I thought I had gone insane! If I could have found support outside of my family, that would have helped a lot. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me sort through this even years later.
Dr Ramani. Thank you for your books. Now I have something to give to my friends who are enduring narcissistic abuse. You can’t just call it out, and it’s always more complicated than you think, but you still want to help. Now we have a starting place for opening up a conversation. I hand them the book and say, “just read it. Even if it’s not your situation, there are answers in the book.”
The times "I slip" w/ grey rocking or "fire walling" is when their behavior becomes directed at someone besides me or when they discuss their mistreatment of someone I care about. That's usually when my limits w/ grey rocking are put to the test and I fail.
Dr Ramani, I am so very grateful for your generous, knowledgeable and caring support for those of us struggling to understand, navigate, leave and recover from these toxic relationships. I have finally acknowledged that I really do not deserve this kind of treatment. Recently I had to euthanize my beloved old cat. It became clear that I was not only walking around on eggshells for me but also for my cat being a cat. Despite being an animal lover, she would yell at my boy when she was annoyed with his non-problematic behavior. I was afraid to leave on a getaway for myself, because I didn’t trust her to be kind to my boy. Now, I have scheduled in at least a month away by myself in hopes that I can figure out how to disintangle myself from her and our situation. Interestingly, she has started therapy and is being extra nice to me. I think she knows what’s coming. Anyway, I continue to use your nuanced information and encouragement to work toward freeing myself. You mean so much to so many of us.
I learnt how much control you can take back by nit reacting. If something hurts and offends me I distance myself from the person or situation and just don't speak to them. Then when they come calling and ask me things then, and only then do I say just once my reasons. 🍒
I thought I invented grey rocking when I was a child in 1956 dealing with my mother 😂. You’re so right. It works well. One day, in my 50s, doing my usual grey rocking, I saw clearly that she didn’t love me and wouldn’t change. Sad but freeing. You’re also right that it takes great energy and takes its toll.
They take your reaction and use it to make you look bad to others. I couldn’t get angry but they could. They had everyone else convinced I was the problem. Surely by now that I’ve been gone a lot of people know the truth.
I pray someone is there to rescue you in your time of need. Thank you for coaching those of us who have live our entire life in the presence of a narcissist.
❤ I really feel what you’re saying about sometimes we have to stand still and listen to all the noise. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 🙏❤ I feel so OK thank you
I remember one time when a narc in my life welcomed me back from a trip & said “I have something to tell you, but I’ll wait til you’re well rested in the morning”. I was like, “oh, why not tell me now?” & they refused so I went to bed & knew they were gonna say that they were moving out. Then the next morning when I was about to leave the house they were like, “so I’m gonna move out” & I was like, “oh, ok… see ya” & she was STUNNED. Didn’t move while I walked out the door LOL.
The explosion that happened when I politely gray rocked the contentious issues was huge. I remained calm and kept my bounds. Infuriated him he just built up and I really see the cornered animal as he tried to scramble to one-up position without my cooperation. But it was still stressful. When your dad leans two inches in front of your face and spits out vile malevolence at top of his lungs just hits your body. I won mostly free. But the process that first night stressed me so that my latent epilepsy kicked in full time. Two years on I still can't get rid of it altogether.
Rock 'n Role, baby. i'm from Cle, home of rock 'n roll hall of fame, and longtime narc survivor. when you say rock, i say roll, but here, i mean role. when i would gray rock, years ago, without knowing it would someday have a name, i noticed our roles switched for just a moment, and my role became the one in control and he couldn't stand it. and would leave. perfect.
Misery loves company. They try to pull you into their head-space of constant misery they have to live in everyday and try to feed off your emotions to make THEM feel better. By staying calm, quiet and collected, sabotages their agenda because they don't know how to handle it. I used it often on him by just giving him a stare and it worked well for me. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Gray rock is one of the tools in my journey of healing (tool box) from narsists. Each tool used was never wasted in time and emotion. It has brought me to a place of indifference. Without anger. With a new understanding of myself and the narcissist. Each step is as important as the one just learned. Then……….”snip”
Grey 🩶 rocking as a method which is conducive to handling the narcissist, which also means that to understand it means that while it is tactical dissociation as our doc has reminded us that we can call grey rocking just that -- that the firewall we have inside of our emotional selves is such that we completely value our emotional and stability inside of ourselves. Because we are telling ourselves who we are. The narcissist may be telling us who they think we are but we simply do not believe it because we are using technical dissociation not as a way to distance ourselves from our emotional well-being but as a way to do just the OPPOSITE of that. Yes and as our community online doc has also said: we need to know our limits in terms of how much we can stand of this. And that means less contact or no contact or modified contact in some way.
Grey Rocking = Having control and showing you can carry yourself very well without taking things personally. Do not take things personally. They are twisted mentally. A strong sense of self and identity is a big help to know your worth. Do not tolerate bad behavior. Leave as early as possible. It is not worth it. I promise you.
I slipped away from gray rocking recently and deeply regretted it. My ex was being grateful towards me and I let my guard down. Then he was right back to being obnoxious about a current affairs topic: a strike at my former employer. I wish I had stuck to neutral topics.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I'd like to thank you. The narcissists in my life are a few of my band mates. Through your videos you have given me tools to see through their narratives and the mental fortitude to keep my sanity together. My time with these people is on a countdown, indeed. Much appreciated, from Brazil 💚
Gray rocking has saved me, and it is causing a narcissistic collapse in my partner. I still have empathy and compassion for him, inside. I work hard to not react. It saves my energy, but it's definitely causing him a "come to Jesus" moment. There's almost no one left in his flying monkey club.
Yes, so true, a small facial expression can also become supply for the narcissist. Grey rock means no expression too. Really just stare and talking about something else, move on to the next thing. I figured this out on my own before Dr. Ramani told me ☺️ She has already trained me how to deal with new situation with her videos❤
One of the ways that I am able to not get sucked in to the narcissistic person’s fight trap is to pause and not immediately accepting the premise of their fight bait. Take a moment to think about what is being said and evaluate it for yourself. I am a chronic pain, autoimmune disordered, fawner stress ball. My mom is highly reactive and fights dirty for prolonged periods of time. I’m the oldest kid and got her unbridled nastiness as she cut her parenting teeth on me. I bottled more emotions than I expressed and we fought a lot.
This is so true. I finally learned how to gray-rock my narcissister. She just "turned up the volume" and said meaner things about me. All in front of her friends and family. That's when I decided to go no-contact.
I find it so sad when you realise they don’t want to find solutions or make things better, they just want to dump all their negative energy on you and use you. There is no love.
Letting go of hope is my biggest obstacle right now
That's it. My mum would rather lose me than have ONE conversation with me where she admits that she hurt me. Unless I agree that I hurt her (asking her to stop labelling me) then she will give me the silent treatment forever. Although she'll deny that, despite having drafted other members of the family into give me the cold shoulder!
They are not interested in solution because they thrive on hurting people.
When I grey rock, I get followed in every room.
When I first learned about gray rocking a few yrs ago from Dr. Ramani, I carried a grey rock in my pocket as a reminder.
Brilliant! 😊❤
I like that
Actually I'm stealing that one. Thank u
I might use this idea, this is fantastic
❤ that idea!💡
"Don't remember where I heard this, but this video reminded me of this quote "empathy with no limits is a form of self-destruction"
Wow. This hit home. Fantastic quote💯
Ultimately, having no empathy for the narcissist doesn't sacrifice your sanity and self preservation...it saves it.
The issue I have is getting to that point. Fellow survivors wish me luck...
@@beejer119reading gaming music .
Dont under estimate your own healing after your abuses from the narc. They did everything to try and unpack into you what they feel and how they feel. Its the ultimate way to let go too. ❤🎉
@@beejer119 You will do it , you got this ! Where I have gotten to lately with this is to remember : their actions are measured by the impact of their action, not their claimed intentions. I remember that their excuses would not work anywhere else.
In my own experience I’ve decided that empathy is an emotion, a sense I don’t want to switch off. Makes me a better person. Helps me understand myself and others. However, it’s very different from giving in, condoning, or reacting to a person’s bad behavior. In fact saying no, neutralizing someone’s destructiveness is probably the most compassionate act I can do for them. I realized often it wasn’t empathy but pity that made me acquiesce.
Gray rock is to remove their significance in your life.
Yes. Stay gray rock even if nothing happens.
Always remember that every narc accusation is a confession. There is no need to react angrily to them because they are talking about themselves. When they say anything, just quietly and unemotionally say "oh" and walk away.
Don’t let them see you bleed; don’t let them see you cry. If you flinch they have prey.
Sharks smell it, when you bleed.
Grey rocking followed by no contact. That’s my goal.
Good luck. I did it. Worked. Just remember not to be emotional inside either. Make yourself not care
I can't seem to learn this@@sorokaye6067
Keeping yourself bland to avoid triggering their rage is very effective, but it comes at such a price. Losing your aliveness, spontaneity, and playful personality is usually the cost, not to mention high blood pressure, increased migraine, and more rapid aging on all fronts
Yes! I am aware of this especially when I am with friends and realize that I have not been my fun-loving self for a few years now. I miss me.
I agree with both of you. ❤❤❤😊 I was outside chatting with a friend, laughing. Narc says “you were laughing”. Yes, yes I was. I make it a point to do something for myself every day. Getting my laughter back on rock at a time.
❤Right! You are a good person and why should you have to change your personality to suit them. Get away as far away and as soon as possible! Run! There is help and healing on the other side! Choose to be FREE from the trauma and HAPPY once again! You deserve it for the rest of your LIFE! ❤
Gray rocking isn't going to work long term if you live with somebody because they catch on right away that your personality is changed and that enrages them. If you live with them you constantly have to Parlay in morph into something else
@@TruthInspectornot necessarily. A covert narcissist doesn't see very deeply. They're focused on themselves and how people react to them. As long as there isn't criticism or a fight, and you're still fulfilling your function of bringing them status or working on their behalf, they don't care much about your personality at home.
Its become easier to grey rock seeing how their abuse and shenanigans have caused the illness and depression I suffer from time to time. 🤷♀️
And the crippling anxiety and panic attacks that comes over at times. In the beginning its a bit a struggle as one just wants to reach out and interact with them, ask them why! But it definitely gets easier over time. Cheers.
After years of gray rocking, I've found SO much peace 😌
I gotta say, gray rocking isn't easy for me. It's hard to stay cool when they are poking you nonstop until you react, even slightly so 👀
same here
@@shainanash8518 ...and doesn't it feel wonderful?! 👊🏻
My new mission!
@@Spartan_NyzikoYep, I have the same problem. It takes a LOT of willpower to stay calm. It’s why I’ve gone no contact with my father. It’s the only way for peace of mind and spirit.
@DoctorRamani “Tactical Dissociation” is the best term I have heard in all of my studies of narcissistic behavior. 👏🏼
I call it going into the void
Compartmentalize is what I've done. Raised by military dad. It does not work for me with my narc. He knows exactly how to push my buttons and does it so often that I never get a chance to recover.
@@cleangal71 I can relate so much!
Thank you Dr Ramani. This is 100% true, it works. I was respectful but I remained an ISLAND they had no access to. They had no knowledge of what I was thinking or feeling. Grey rock is a road to peace.
I totally see now how the narcissists are just trying to pick fights to get us to react so we look bad. I will never interact with them like that again. The dread and exhaustion is totally a messenger. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I'm convinced they are addicted to chaos and drama. They somehow feel alive while the rest of us are just DONE. Not reacting (if you can't get out) is literally the way to go.
Seems that nasty people of all types do this. Years ago I had to deal with a passive aggressive woman at work, she did this
When they try to push your buttons to bring you down. Smile try to think about all the things that make you happy and never let narcissists know that what they do or say hurts you.
That's a good idea! I'm gonna try that. Thank you! ❤
And then they escalate.
Have your buttons tuck to your shirt and never allow some one to open it
That's a good idea. I sort of do something similar. I have a place to go to mentally that really helps. I spent some time in the desert, for a couple weeks. That's my place, and I earned it. When I'm there, all words from the narc disappear in the wind. "I am the desert, and you are outmatched"
One of the last things I remember my mother saying before she died was "I like to fight". Our house was like a circular firing squad. The point of the game was to shoot the other members of the family and do as much damage without killing them. Spouses could join but you could never leave the game. Those that would not engage were seen as pathetic wimps. What a pathetic existence.
Okay, she likes to fight. But did she fight fair?
What a confession!!!
I don't know what I was thinking that day I wrote that. I'm sorry if it sounded rude. I know better. My mother let me know she had purposely abused me before she died too. And my doctor let me know as he was retiring.
Sorry you had to grow up with that.
Its so very hard to not react , to not want to defend yourself against the lies, character attacks, smear campaigns snd gaslighting in all forms ... but having your family /kid inducted as their flying monkey to help attack, hurt and ignore you as much as possible is the worst.
I just concentrate on my healing, recovery and growth while I silently grieve the relationship that I wanted and did not get from him. His behavior and attacks are all so devious, deceitful, unfair, illegal hurtful and mean truly dispicable & shameful 💔 😢
Yes I understand this completely😢
Don’t defend to some one who attacked it , if he knew the value first place he won’t have attacked it .
Usually the narc is devious and hurtful becos that’s how they r to themselves then how we expect the narc to be good to us ?
I wish I knew about the techniques. Everytime I stood up for myself, is when the physical rage happened. THANKFULLY, I'm out now.
@@JennTuck Safety first. There is NO technique that will save you from thier physical abuse. It's not your fault one bit.
I think one of THE hardest is when they accuse YOU of doing something awful that they themselves are 100% doing and in total denial of (it seems); like some trauma that you are struggling with and they pretend that YOU are doing it to THEM. Ugh.
It really helps when videos like this warn you that it will happen and that it is COMMON for them to do things like this.
The narc wants your energy, *_ANY ENERGY! SUPER HARD FOR EMPATHS TO NOT GIVE ENERGY!_*
They are energy vampires. It took me years to recharge my energy.
Realized so late in life. Sucked most of my energy out of me.
Oh oh oh I played right into his hands for years. Shouted ranted, raged, swore loudly. For about 12 years. For the next 2 years I learned about Grey rock and used it. Not perfectly. He still managed to push my buttons. Divorced and left June 2017. Not one angry day since then. I found I'm actually easy going!!!
Thank you for the definition of gray rocking. For years, I called interactions with certain family members, "taking all the emotion out of my voice." Until, like you said, a pressure valve blows eventually, and then I was labeled unhinged and over emotional, the b word, etc. Gray rocking has now turned into no contact as I heal from years of toxic behaviors, including my own.
Loved the term "tactical dissociation"! Reading a paragraph long rage rant from a narcissistic co-parent and then replying with a simple "Ok", is the best feeling ever. Once you do your inner healing, especially around wounds of being scapegoated and persecuted, and as a result truly see the extent of how delusional they are, the projection will trigger you less and less, and you feel like a giant reacting to an ant jumping up and down trying to hurt you.
I've gone to the point now that I don't feel anything except humor when my narcs go off. Getting to that point was definitely the hardest thing I've done but being able to watch a narc go off and finding myself watching from a distance is priceless. They can't hit a target that no longer exists. And when I start speaking calmly to them, they loose their minds. Greatest thing ever.
@@melissacase8066 Yes, you finally beat them at their own nasty little game. it’s such a great feeling, isn’t it?
I’ve had a few of those moments lately. Go girl!
I am at the same point. I have reached indifference so am pleased. Laughter has been a wonderful healer in the process. Congratulations to you!!
@@turnbacktime65 keep going they keep coming don't stop
@melissacase8066 Learning to laugh at all the nonsense (but never letting them know) is s great way of releasing the tension after any contact. If you can't laugh, you cry.
This is so true, the relationship won’t be the same after grey rocking, but it’s also so exhausting
But why would you want the narcissistic relationship to be the same after grey rocking? If it changes, you become more detached then that is for the better right?
I grew up in a working-class Chicago neighborhood where kids of all ages interacted constantly. Though my childhood was tough, I did get to learn from older girls how to handle overly aggressive boys, who would try to interact with us without our permission. The girls simply ignored them. And unfortunately, there were a lot of guys who tried to catch girls’ attention by yelling pathetic pick up lines and catcalls. When that didn’t work, they’d resort to saying all kinds of perverted and insulting things that they hoped would pull the girl into paying attention to them. “Just ignore them” was the best advice I got and I learned how to use it in so many different ways. So I guess I’ve been gray rocking for quite some time and it probably saved me from a lot of additional narcissistic abuse.
Two question pls
Do those kind of men do this so as to get your attention and then pull you and nto a conversation and drag tou with them and all ?
2. When you ignore such people or lioe bullies...how to manage the anger and hate generated due to such interaction.
That was verbal assault by the way that they were doing and it's a crime
@@sharicoburn5475 nope, this was decades ago. It wasn’t illegal or considered to be that bad. It was typical male behavior in the community we lived in.
@@TurbulantSynider To answer your questions:
1.) We rarely considered their motive because it was a short term survival tactic. It was girls learning psychological self-defense. And it was very effective except in the most extreme cases.
2.) These weren’t people we were involved with. They were strangers. I talked about managing anger with a narcissist you have to deal with on a regular basis in another comment: it’s important to find a release through whatever you discover work best for your self. For me it’s intense exercise, including kick boxing. Doing regular journaling and getting as much time and distance from the narcissist as possible so you can be yourself without judgment is also essential, because it’s like going no contact for short periods of time.
@@elaynepallist572 Thank you. I hope you not attract such crazy people ever again and may god protect you 👍🏻🙏🏻
I’ve grey rocked the flying monkeys, which really helps. No contact with the narcissists.
Awesome. Good for you. I removed the malignant narcissist from everywhere and paid no attention to the random strangers that tried to distract me. Realized later that they were his flying monkeys.
I became a quiet mute / non reactive when I was 15 because nothing else was safe. Then got blamed for decades for never talking to family like normal anymore all my life. I guess this is different than gray rocking? I was just trying to survive as a kid, and it was a final ptsd event in the family toward me that spurred my silence. I swore I’d never be myself again. Not sure how this relates to gray rocking, but seems like it’s what ramani was talking about being careful with it, that it can be antagonistic too. Understandably, it’s taken me a few decades to heal and gather myself back.
🙏💜🇿🇦 I intuitively learnt to
Gray Rock as a teenager.
My first marriage, I did the screaming & fist thumping.
Only when prove yourself to be loopier than them, will they stop the torment. They can drive you to insanity.
Second marriage, gray rocking started after 6 years, and by 21 years, we were down to yes &no.
A Widow now, it's taking me far longer to start up my own life, after having lived in a tin for most of my life. Getting there. Big elephant, small teaspoon. 😂❤
One small step at a time. Keep going! You're doing an amazing job.
"It's literally the hardest thing you can do." YEP. Still working on it but Dr Ramini give's me hope that I'll develop the skill. Each encounter is an opportunity to practice. Thank goodness for her and for Buddhism.
Yes, not reacting is very powerful! My Buddhism practice gives me that power.
I can remember ‘switching off’ my emotions and reactions when walking towards my narcissistic mother. I didn’t know what it was called then, it just seemed the best way to survive. It was interesting that you used the ‘vampire’ example because when I was young I had many, many dreams that my mother and father were vampires
Wow. Your little self knew!
@@turnbacktime65 instinct! But she made me suffer for it, you can imagine what names I was called
@@MaryB-tx2xq aww. I’m sorry your mom was crap, little Mary. Sending you a hug.
@@turnbacktime65 thank you, that’s lovely. Receiving your hug and sending one back ❤️
@@MaryB-tx2xq That's amazing you had those dreams because when I was 16 I had a nightmare that my mother and sister were witches but they were convincing the people in our town that I was a witch. I had to board up my door with wood but the townspeople still got me and I woke up drenched in sweat with my adrenaline shooting through the roof as they were burning me at the stake.
Brilliantly said dr Ramani. There is no difference between a narcissist and someone mentally unstable who is claiming to be one. Engaging in madness gives it credence and we should not enable evil behaviour. Thank you so much. God bless you ❤
You have to learn to do just enough to make them think you still care. While you plan your exit. Its so empowering. Tactical dissociation! GENIUS. That is what I am doing.😂
I’m still grappling with my narc’s identity and relationship to me. It’s been a challenging journey.
It is. You can do it.
I've been grey rocking for about three years now and am sure that there really is a physical and mental toll to not speaking my mind. However, the toll of fruitlessly wrestling in the mud with the Narc proved to be even worse. Sooo...I choose to continue to grey rock but also address the physical toll through exercise, healthy diet and socializing with positive individuals. It's like everything else in dealing with a Narc--There really are no good solutions; Only less damaging ones.
Yes! I’m doing almost exactly what you are. I also garden and started a good fun skincare routine. It calms me. 😊 keep going. We can do it.
@@turnbacktime65 Lol I go for a walk every time she tries to bait me and frankly, my butt has never looked better!
@anautisticsguidetotheunive4109 Thank you 😂
Yeah so on point. The key is to save that energy and use it elsewhere. Not saying that I have been able to achieve that successfully. It is still a work in progress.
@@aijazsiddique8713 Same. But we are making progress.
Grey Rock Café
See you there !
🤣🤣 I'm member of that...
Yes! You start one.😂❤❤❤ I imagine it’s very very peaceful there. With coffee.
I need this on a T-shirt.
@@heidididwhat hilarious! Great idea.
Dr Ramani. YOU ARE A GENIUS! thanks to you answering my question in live I was able to see my beloved aging dad first time in years, talk to him more than ever before, not engage with mother dearest and come back not absolutely broken and destroyed mentally. I owe you, my amazing therapist and my support team my sanity. I have learned so much from your videos. I'll be forever grateful. Very best wishes, g
I did really a couple days ago on a lunch with him. I literally had to prep myself the whole drive there. It was a very mundane, until I accidentally did react, then it was odd, at my breif upset he smirked, yeah that put me right back on track & gray rock back on track.
It has been so long since I felt proud, we are at the beginning of the end.
@@tarajo4836 I admire your stamina. I also hope and pray that you find yourself in a position where you never have to go anywhere with him ever again.
I’m glad you got a minute to be proud of yourself. ❤❤❤ he can’t suck the life out of you.
Having support is invaluable when grey rocking. I don't think I could hold back if I didn't have someone to talk to that understood and supported.
Last week, I was getting some horrific texts from my ex, we have a child together so I can't completely ignore her. I was grey rocking, only simple answers, so she kept getting worse. I was about to hit send on a very heated response to her most deplorable texts. I can take attacks on me but she went after the kids. I instead called my pastor who knows the whole situation. He listened to me vent and encouraged me to not respond and just save her texts for evidence if I need it.
Remember, there is NOTHING you can say to ever get through to a narcissist.
Don't respond, let them torture themselves. Everything they are saying about you, they're really feeling about themselves.
All true! ❤
This happened with the narcissistic sister in law who purposely verbally attacked me at a family dinner because I keep boundaries with her. I was cornered and had no choice but to stand up for myself and tell her to stop. She wouldn’t stop yelling insults at me until I finally snapped and yelled back. I then had to defend and explain myself to my family as to why I finally got mad back. I have tolerated so much crap from her over the years, just not tolerating anymore. Next time hopefully I can just walk away, it’s hard when you’re cornered and attacked out of the blue. Survival and a natural defence kicks in. Giving myself lots of grace. Not believing her lies. Won’t engage again despite her trying to manipulate and control me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 keep up the hard work! This is never easy the first or second time around. You can also respond by saying “that’s interesting. What makes you say that?” But you have to be neutral when you ask that question.
At that point, they have to explain their hateful and hurtful words and it takes away their momentum. It also gives you time to take a breath and follow up with continued gray rocking to let them know how absurd and ridiculous they appear.
it takes time to get to that point because you have to be very calm, but once you get there, you’re at the beginningof shutting them down completely.
I had this happen with an aunt and her daughter. Fam holiday. For years held up by them. All the little kids waiting to open presents. Every year cousin would walk in with a pot of un-cooked potatoes. Yep. A few hours later mashed potatoes appeared. I got attacked by them. It was funny. I did want to slap their artificially inflated faces off. All I said was why are you making kids wait for you and your potatoes? (Because narcs run in my family) They were screaming. I never went to an event with them again.😂
Worth trying "So, what I heard you say is xx xx xx" then walk away. Don't discuss. Don't respond. Just mirror what she said. End.
@@elaynepallist572 thanks but I actually did this. I asked her why she was talking to me like that, but she didn’t answer, just continued to yell insults at me. I told her to stop, and I did stay in a calm grey rock energy, but she continued. It doesn’t matter what I did, she would have done it.
Guessing that the “family dinner” was HER family, and you were in the in-law role.
I really appreciate all the info you freely give us 🙏
"Ok" "yes" "no" "I don't know" "that's nice" etc. are my go-to's when Gray Rocking narcs. I don't really go deeper than that. All personal information, opinions, emotions, reactions are weaponized against you, so I opt out.
Grey rock is a new phrase in my nearly acquired narc vocabulary. This is so invaluable. It will be challenging but I can see the merit. Thanks Dr Ramani and people who’ve left comments before me
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
@@thompsonlauren1004 if any abuse victim can hire a private investigator then seeking info beyond you tube, such as counseling (qualified Narc abuse) would occur. My Narc famdamnly have mega wealth. Me, not so much other than a LOVING God that holds my inheritance safe from the TOXIC love these demon's intend for me to follow.
Not only do you not have to be bothered reacting you also end up giving them NO AMMUNITION.
Exactly!
I’m going to try to do this in court, it makes sense. Not reacting.
@@heathersoper6923 good luck!! Stay strong!!!
@@jodycasey6936 thank you! X
@@heathersoper6923 Yeah do it. That will make you look good to the judge. Good luck to you.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!!!!!!! NOBEL PEACE PRICE FOR YOU 🎖️
I’m in the dread & exhaustion phase now and I live with and work (gardening Thank heavens) with him also! 🎪🎬🥁💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃
I work with mine too.
Both worlds, personal relationship and working with him is frustrating to the core!
For me, the perfect follow up to gray rocking is no contact. Even if the no contact stage is temporary, it’s the chance to really vent and take out all of the anger built-up from dealing with their lies and cruelty.
It can be you going to the gym and doing a very vigorous workout, including kickboxing. Or it could be journaling and writing down all the things you actually feel about that person. but if you have to be in a situation long-term and need to do gray rock for your own peace of mind, it’s essential that you do find a place to vent your frustration in a safe space about that toxic individual.
You are such a beautiful Queen Dr.Ramani! God bless!! I love you to the moon and back 🙃 thanks for everything you do for our community!
I need this. I need help with tactical disassociation. I do a lot of gray rocking, but I can tell that my attitude is coming through it and I don’t want that at all. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!🤗
It helps so much to truly "get" that the Narc's entire goal is to destabilize you emotionally to regulate their own lousy feelings about themself. (They don't have any interest in truth or facts or the topic they're even arguing about.) No one can gray rock for eternity, some of it for me was learning when to walk away and limit exposure before my gray rock could crack. Best of Luck!
Thank you thank you for reminding me not to share...I'm learning (i'm seeing4 the 1st time) that;
caring + sharing = sabbatage
Why does love always end in pain💔
Grey rock works for me It is exhausting tho
At some point, you feel powerless and unable to speak your mind and voice your concerns. However, that's the goal of narcs, to keep their victims silent
I made it to the other side but don't ever think it's easy!
But it's so worth it 😊
I have a family event next weekend. This is exactly what I needed.
Previous gray rocking was used to fuel narcissistic rage. This makes more sense. 🤞🏼
good luck, you will be in my thoughts. hang in there
Good luck. You are far braver than I. 😂
It means confidence. Do not answer everything 😅😂
I think of gray rocking as finding my inner peace. It is not so much a battle tactic as it is a reminder that I am my own person and I can find a centered place within me that the Narc cannot take away. I gray rock when I am having a load of crap thrown at me, and I don’t share anything that can be weaponized against me later, and I remind myself that I do indeed have my own identity and my own way of doing things and my own thoughts. Gray rocking brings me back to myself, and that brings me peace.
Yes, that! Agree 100%. And do.
Tactical disassociation.... Perfectly said
I have been trying grey rocking for couple of years now since I first have came across dr. Ramani channel. Every time I follow gray rocking, it works. Every time I react, it does not. It is helpful to me to hear it again and again, that if person 'knows with 100% certainty' my intentions, perception of things and my emotions, this person lives in la-la-land. Gaslighting gets under my skin even if I can see it now and I can name it. That is why I find this YT channel so helpful. I can come back for the reminder and clarity what is what. Thank you again, dr Ramani.
Rock smashes scissors. Rock rips through paper. Rock always wins.
Rock splits skull. Sorry, that was dark, but I know you all understand.
@@joeprimal2044 lol
In rock-paper-scissors paper covers rocks so no rock does not split paper
Paper covers rock.
Also @joeprimal2044 : people are sometimes buried under rocks 🫣 Just throwing in some facts!
Dr. Ramani, I've been opening up to my counselor about issues with my dad (alcoholic narcissist) and I've been mindfully listening to your videos. I'm a 31 year old male and just really struggling with the humiliation, invalidation, gaslighting and disappointment I've been burdened with. I appreciate you making these videos.
@coffinrodriguez3150 🫂
Brilliant. You're so good at knowing what fine tuning we need and when, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
A family member told me when I went over for MY LAST Thanksgiving (wth those people), That was eight years ago), "Oh, well, the husband thought you had gone home." I turned around and asked them politely, "Why did your husband think I had left? I'm normally a quiet person." They dared to turn around and say, "No, you're not!" I held my poker face and didn't engage further. In my head, I was thinking to myself (Screaming at the top of my lungs), "OK, YOU"RE NOT ME You'reTELLING ME what my personality is supposed to be like?" THANKS FOR THAT
I practised grey rocking with my mom on the phone. She seighted: ”You’re so weird now!” She tried to pump up information from me and I just was a ”grey rock”.
I love gray rocking. I practice it.
Taking it too far can also trigger the narcissist into interrogatory mode and put you further into the spotlight that they are glaring into your face.
Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I used gray rocking years before I knew that anyone else had done this (my older brother was the main narcissist bully)! My rules: minimum communication, no emotion, no crying! Sometimes I would act as though the narcissist was invisible! Working great! But also ... the dynamics of my family changed in unexpected ways. I was asked if I was sick. I thought I had unacceptable power! I thought I had gone insane! If I could have found support outside of my family, that would have helped a lot.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me sort through this even years later.
Thank you so much for this video. Your analogy of a person who is completely delusional helped me understand this so much better.
Dr Ramani. Thank you for your books. Now I have something to give to my friends who are enduring narcissistic abuse. You can’t just call it out, and it’s always more complicated than you think, but you still want to help. Now we have a starting place for opening up a conversation. I hand them the book and say, “just read it. Even if it’s not your situation, there are answers in the book.”
After the grief comes clarity. 😊
The times "I slip" w/ grey rocking or "fire walling" is when their behavior becomes directed at someone besides me or when they discuss their mistreatment of someone I care about. That's usually when my limits w/ grey rocking are put to the test and I fail.
Dr Ramani, I am so very grateful for your generous, knowledgeable and caring support for those of us struggling to understand, navigate, leave and recover from these toxic relationships. I have finally acknowledged that I really do not deserve this kind of treatment. Recently I had to euthanize my beloved old cat. It became clear that I was not only walking around on eggshells for me but also for my cat being a cat. Despite being an animal lover, she would yell at my boy when she was annoyed with his non-problematic behavior. I was afraid to leave on a getaway for myself, because I didn’t trust her to be kind to my boy. Now, I have scheduled in at least a month away by myself in hopes that I can figure out how to disintangle myself from her and our situation. Interestingly, she has started therapy and is being extra nice to me. I think she knows what’s coming. Anyway, I continue to use your nuanced information and encouragement to work toward freeing myself. You mean so much to so many of us.
Anyone who yells at animals is probably completely clueless, not to mention, scary.
"The greatest insult an enemy can endure, is to be ignored."
Gray Rocking - a tool of tactical dissociation to remove the emotional supply... WOW! What a sentence! What a message! Thank you so much for that!
I learnt how much control you can take back by nit reacting. If something hurts and offends me I distance myself from the person or situation and just don't speak to them. Then when they come calling and ask me things then, and only then do I say just once my reasons. 🍒
I thought I invented grey rocking when I was a child in 1956 dealing with my mother 😂. You’re so right. It works well. One day, in my 50s, doing my usual grey rocking, I saw clearly that she didn’t love me and wouldn’t change. Sad but freeing. You’re also right that it takes great energy and takes its toll.
They take your reaction and use it to make you look bad to others. I couldn’t get angry but they could. They had everyone else convinced I was the problem. Surely by now that I’ve been gone a lot of people know the truth.
I pray someone is there to rescue you in your time of need. Thank you for coaching those of us who have live our entire life in the presence of a narcissist.
❤ I really feel what you’re saying about sometimes we have to stand still and listen to all the noise. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 🙏❤ I feel so OK thank you
I remember one time when a narc in my life welcomed me back from a trip & said “I have something to tell you, but I’ll wait til you’re well rested in the morning”. I was like, “oh, why not tell me now?” & they refused so I went to bed & knew they were gonna say that they were moving out. Then the next morning when I was about to leave the house they were like, “so I’m gonna move out” & I was like, “oh, ok… see ya” & she was STUNNED. Didn’t move while I walked out the door LOL.
The explosion that happened when I politely gray rocked the contentious issues was huge. I remained calm and kept my bounds. Infuriated him he just built up and I really see the cornered animal as he tried to scramble to one-up position without my cooperation.
But it was still stressful. When your dad leans two inches in front of your face and spits out vile malevolence at top of his lungs just hits your body.
I won mostly free. But the process that first night stressed me so that my latent epilepsy kicked in full time. Two years on I still can't get rid of it altogether.
Rock 'n Role, baby.
i'm from Cle, home of rock 'n roll hall of fame, and longtime narc survivor. when you say rock, i say roll, but here, i mean role. when i would gray rock, years ago, without knowing it would someday have a name, i noticed our roles switched for just a moment, and my role became the one in control and he couldn't stand it. and would leave. perfect.
Really loved this video. Thankyou
I needed it right now.Thank u ❤
❤ love the book 😍
Tactical disassociation ❤ I love it! Step back and emotionally detach from their insanity. Disengagement is self love. Freedom is bliss!
Your videos have been right on time sense I've found you thank you Dr. Ramani bless you and wellness blessings to you
⭐Advanced Grey Rock Activate ⭐
Misery loves company. They try to pull you into their head-space of constant misery they have to live in everyday and try to feed off your emotions to make THEM feel better. By staying calm, quiet and collected, sabotages their agenda because they don't know how to handle it. I used it often on him by just giving him a stare and it worked well for me.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Gray rock is one of the tools in my journey of healing (tool box) from narsists. Each tool used was never wasted in time and emotion. It has brought me to a place of indifference. Without anger. With a new understanding of myself and the narcissist. Each step is as important as the one just learned. Then……….”snip”
👍
Grey 🩶 rocking as a method which is conducive to handling the narcissist, which also means that to understand it means that while it is tactical dissociation as our doc has reminded us that we can call grey rocking just that -- that the firewall we have inside of our emotional selves is such that we completely value our emotional and stability inside of ourselves. Because we are telling ourselves who we are. The narcissist may be telling us who they think we are but we simply do not believe it because we are using technical dissociation not as a way to distance ourselves from our emotional well-being but as a way to do just the OPPOSITE of that. Yes and as our community online doc has also said: we need to know our limits in terms of how much we can stand of this. And that means less contact or no contact or modified contact in some way.
Brilliant understanding of narcisstic supply.
Grey Rocking = Having control and showing you can carry yourself very well without taking things personally. Do not take things personally. They are twisted mentally. A strong sense of self and identity is a big help to know your worth. Do not tolerate bad behavior. Leave as early as possible. It is not worth it. I promise you.
Wow, you just helped me figure out how to stop trying to prove someone wrong by using the Napoleon example.
I slipped away from gray rocking recently and deeply regretted it. My ex was being grateful towards me and I let my guard down. Then he was right back to being obnoxious about a current affairs topic: a strike at my former employer. I wish I had stuck to neutral topics.
Gray rock should only be needed if you have to be around them. First, you're supposed to be no contact.
@@websurfer5772 He is the father of my teenager. It is not possible to do no contact.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I'd like to thank you. The narcissists in my life are a few of my band mates. Through your videos you have given me tools to see through their narratives and the mental fortitude to keep my sanity together. My time with these people is on a countdown, indeed. Much appreciated, from Brazil 💚
There comes a time when it's better to go solo.
Gray rocking has saved me, and it is causing a narcissistic collapse in my partner. I still have empathy and compassion for him, inside. I work hard to not react. It saves my energy, but it's definitely causing him a "come to Jesus" moment. There's almost no one left in his flying monkey club.
Is not that sweet? When the flying monkeys become wiser over the years?
Yes, so true, a small facial expression can also become supply for the narcissist. Grey rock means no expression too. Really just stare and talking about something else, move on to the next thing. I figured this out on my own before Dr. Ramani told me
☺️ She has already trained me how to deal with new situation with her videos❤
One of the ways that I am able to not get sucked in to the narcissistic person’s fight trap is to pause and not immediately accepting the premise of their fight bait. Take a moment to think about what is being said and evaluate it for yourself.
I am a chronic pain, autoimmune disordered, fawner stress ball. My mom is highly reactive and fights dirty for prolonged periods of time. I’m the oldest kid and got her unbridled nastiness as she cut her parenting teeth on me. I bottled more emotions than I expressed and we fought a lot.
This is so true. I finally learned how to gray-rock my narcissister. She just "turned up the volume" and said meaner things about me. All in front of her friends and family. That's when I decided to go no-contact.
You are the best ❤
So healing, insightful, brilliant, and helpful as usual... Thank you SO much!!!👍❤❤❤