The other give away...they hide.Have a friend struggles with opiates,she usually calls me like 5 times a day.When she don't call for a while,I just know.
Uhhhh, thank you! I've been in a very toxic friendship with a heroin addict for three months. She's always crying to me about getting robbed by her brother and her friends. She does this to the point of trying to scam me out of my money to fuel her addiction. Also, she only talks to me when it's convenient for her to get "free stuff" from me!
I don't know exactly how long I have been clean. I know it's at least 4 years but it feels like a lot longer and I stopped trying to calculate ages ago.
This is such important advice. The one about a lack of talking about being sober really hits home. As though the addiction just went away yet you’re getting that old vibe and there’s no different actions.
You are good! My soon to be "legally"ex would start talking about his day at work when we were in an emotional confrontation over his latest "slip". It was monotone and boring, just like you said! So glad to be free after 26 years of hell. I could only leave when I got my SS. Old, poor and single but stress free! Peace.
When I am hearing so many details that I am feeling “Bored” with what someone is saying in particular situations- that has always made me feel irritable and suspicious. But, I’ve never heard anyone except you describe that as being one of the ways you can identify potentially being lied to. I TOTALLY get it. Thank you!!! ❤
I wish I saw this when i met my ex... He put me in debt and distress, lying and using me for money... yes he loved me but his addiction was more important
Me and my man used to talk all the time. He used to look at my like I was yoda! We could talk! Now it seems like he he’s care about that anymore he’s to busy with all that he is going threw..so you said in one of your other videos when they are using they are consumed with themselves and only after the are satisfied will they tend to you but they will never be satisfied. 😭 so sad I feel like I miss my best friend even though he’s right there. All that your saying in this video is so true! Thank you!
Hi XxHoly, If you guys had good communication in the past then means it's possible to have it again. Have you taken a look at my video on Motivation/Persuasion? It's a separate workshop (not on RUclips). Here's the link if you haven't seen that one: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/motivational-interviewing-session
@@PutTheShovelDown I will check it out soon and probably see ya in the comments lol send you love and light in the mean time! And since I’m a regular you can call me Grace that my real name :)
A lie by omission which is intended to deceive is still a lie. Also, when someone tells a complicated "story" ask them questions... and ask them to tell the story again.
Thanks Amber, Thanks for this video. I work in the addiction field You hit the nail on the head when you talked about ignoring your instincts and rationalising or excusing away an addict’s lies because I may be avoiding conflict. It is a secret of mine. I am afraid of conflict sometimes. Keep up the good work.
When they don't talk about getting sober, when they not talking about their last screw up. ,when they not talking about what they need to take care of or asking my advice and most of all when they have come to the piont that they just screwed up but act like it didn't happen and you inquire about it and they say your stuck in the past and they say they just want to go forward in life and I'm like well you have court in a couple of weeks and they say ( I will deal with it when it gets here and then they look like they going into a panic attack ! Totally can tell they cannot deal with faceing their problems and wishes he was invisible or could run and hide long enough that he is forgot about ! Really sad to hear and watch !
Every time my alcoholic sister opens her mouth, she's lying. It doesn't do any good calling her on her shit because she doesn't even acknowledge the truth to herself. The queen of denial. I play along until I hit my BS max. I use your strategies when dealing with her.
I used to feel the need to pry the lies out of my addicted ex-husband. I just had to prove he was using. I did a lot wrong with him but the outcome was unavoidable either way. It's different but the sand with your sister.
You won't get anywhere calling out a lie to a drug addict.. An addict will always play the victim card . In 7 years of being with my wife , the lies poured out of her mouth. . I knew 100% she was lying but rather than admit she gave me 10 minute fake stories and it was as though she actually believed what she was saying was true . I hope one day she can overcome her addiction and I've learnt that the lies are because of the drugs and she was ashamed .I tired to support and help her but her idea of that was me putting up with her lies and just letting her please herself what she did and mix with others doing the same . It wasn't a life for me and it's hard to walk away from a loved one but you have to think about your own life and mine was being destroyed mentally and financially. I hope to god she finds the help she needs one day
I have been dealing with an addict for nearly 7 yrs now, i left completely for 2. I just got in touch with him again after learning a lot in how to deal with them. I decided more than anything I wanted to be friends again and to let him know that I am here for him but I do have my boundaries because I will NEVER go thru what I went thru with him if we are more. He's on meth but you would never know it. He's a functional user and highly intelligent so he gets away with being still on it. I will not deviate from my stance because I know it's not right for me or him. He has never committed to me and that's also been an issue, at least he didn't lie about that! I know it seems crazy but we got this crazy ass intellectual and friendship on top of amazing chemistry and I've NEVER had that in my life completely. I am hoping he stops what he does one day and I do give him shit about it in a sincere yet caring and hard tough love way...which he actually likes to some degree...he does see many things in me that he likes but until he gets off this stuff and commits to me and a better life, it's a no go for anything else.
Okay so I’m binge watching your videos. I am desperate. However, your shirt is amazing! It made me happy. Foxes are a sign for me that I am on the right path. Where did you get it?! I want one. Thank you so so much for your help.
I feel like you should have a video saying how know if an addict is telling the truth, as my addict spouse is lying nonstop all the time. Nothing they say adds up. They have time gaps they won’t explain, have people around them they won’t identify, they say and do things that aren’t like them at all, it does feel like they are playing games and manipulating, and it’s also super impossible to even get them on the phone (which is totally not like them). They seem to have a different personality for each drug and now are super super distant. The only thing I can say is I get one call a day that is now very very short. Feel like I’m losing them
Just the other day I was listening to both addicts because I noticed they were discussing something my husband told me not to tell anyone. He was lying to them or me, who knows? Interesting how he tells the whole story when he's drunk and he hangs out with people who I don't like.
My son told me he was in a tent with people using meth but he never used it. He then said don't get mad. I asked him how he slept the 3 previous days , he said a few hours.
I have a friendship with an addict that I thought would lead to more off and on for almost 5 years they have used me, gaslighted me, and lied so much that I don't know what's true. They are a master of manipulation, and a skilled lyer and use people mostly men. I was trying to help them but again they stoled and lyed. I am watching your videos and trying to find a way to help them, I understand addiction better than others being an alcoholic sober 7 years. We have never been intimate but I know she lyes about sleeping with me and everything. Even when I don't want to know she offers up nothing happened. I do not know if she loves me cares for me or ever did at this point. She always runs and hides after she does bad things wrong. So I am finding more lyes out as I go. So I find myself wondering if she is still lying about things out of shame and guilt? Or so she can get my guard down, make me think she loves me or wants me just to use me? I'm guessing both. Or if it's coming out of a place of fear of losing me. But I feel like I need to know if I'm just another guy she uses, and she means none of it? Because it's my love not hers that brings me back. Or if she does love me and want what she has said. Her actions say no, but her addict knows if she's with me for real, there's a good chance I would help her kill it. Or maybe I'm just an easy mark. My head hurts, I feel like I need to know more, because I will never give up on her, and I'm ok just being friends but if she just loves my help and stuff and attention but not me then I'm not wasting my time. But I can't yell 9n active use
How to help someone who is in total denial? My brother is in very bad shape. He spends most of his days barefoot (he always loses his shoes for some reason) downtown trying to sell anything he can find. He doesn’t know what day it is and is completely disorganized. He just got thrown out of his apartment because he was throwing stuff out the window and trying to start a fire inside… when we try to talk about his drug use he gets agressive. He’s super arrogant and mean with us, he blames us for going to jail… he basically blames everyone for his situation…
Hi London, Great question. The CRAFT Method (Community Reinforcement And Family Training) is the best (most proven) method for helping a loved one move through the stages of change and acknowledge they need to change/get help/get sober. Here's a video about that particular technique. Let me know what you think 😀 ruclips.net/video/mvtUv3dO8ms/видео.html
The person is still in denial and has been since he left rehab in 2008... He is functional as far as going to work but a mess with paying bills and doing adult things...he denies he needs help and will rage and once he see that isn't working any longer he leaves out and tells me he doesn't want to hear me mention again because he doesnt use (which he really does, I've found straws razors straws with blood, his hidding places such as in vents etc always searching though the kids and my things... Whats the best approach on this???
This is fucked, but here's how to be sly about it: Openly joke about your problems. Others will be at ease due to your "self-awareness" and will start to see your problem as a joke. Any intervention will then be seen as "being too serious" for what is "a joke." Especially in a social environment.
Just a reads up here: You're working against autistic people. All of us, who have the ability to speak, will speak more formally. And no - we're not lying. We're autistic. When you say that people who talk formally are lying, you make life a lot harder for autistic people. I'd ask you to reconsider this.
🤥Watch This Next: How Addicts And Alcoholics Manipulate: ruclips.net/video/cH8wXhBCNNo/видео.html
The other give away...they hide.Have a friend struggles with opiates,she usually calls me like 5 times a day.When she don't call for a while,I just know.
You're 💯 right about that one. I call it going MIA, and it always means somethings up! Thanks for adding that to the list!
Uhhhh, thank you! I've been in a very toxic friendship with a heroin addict for three months. She's always crying to me about getting robbed by her brother and her friends. She does this to the point of trying to scam me out of my money to fuel her addiction. Also, she only talks to me when it's convenient for her to get "free stuff" from me!
@@DJVirgoNeun1 You and I are in the same boat even down to the time. Believe me, I feel for you. 😔
This is my daughter to a T
@@DJVirgoNeun1 my brother in law is the same. Anything he was ashamed about in his past he blames me and tells anyone that will listen
Sober people know exactly how long they've been sober. It it never "when I told you I quit"!!
💯👍🏼
I don't know exactly how long I have been clean. I know it's at least 4 years but it feels like a lot longer and I stopped trying to calculate ages ago.
This is such important advice. The one about a lack of talking about being sober really hits home. As though the addiction just went away yet you’re getting that old vibe and there’s no different actions.
You are good! My soon to be "legally"ex would start talking about his day at work when we were in an emotional confrontation over his latest "slip". It was monotone and boring, just like you said! So glad to be free after 26 years of hell. I could only leave when I got my SS. Old, poor and single but stress free! Peace.
When I am hearing so many details that I am feeling “Bored” with what someone is saying in particular situations- that has always made me feel irritable and suspicious. But, I’ve never heard anyone except you describe that as being one of the ways you can identify potentially being lied to. I TOTALLY get it. Thank you!!! ❤
Another one would be The story changes multiple times. You get a different version of the story.
The last one is the most important one !!! I hate it when I ignore my gut feelings
💯
I wish I saw this when i met my ex... He put me in debt and distress, lying and using me for money... yes he loved me but his addiction was more important
Me and my man used to talk all the time.
He used to look at my like I was yoda! We could talk!
Now it seems like he he’s care about that anymore he’s to busy with all that he is going threw..so you said in one of your other videos when they are using they are consumed with themselves and only after the are satisfied will they tend to you but they will never be satisfied. 😭 so sad I feel like I miss my best friend even though he’s right there.
All that your saying in this video is so true! Thank you!
Hi XxHoly, If you guys had good communication in the past then means it's possible to have it again. Have you taken a look at my video on Motivation/Persuasion? It's a separate workshop (not on RUclips). Here's the link if you haven't seen that one: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/motivational-interviewing-session
@@PutTheShovelDown I will check it out soon and probably see ya in the comments lol send you love and light in the mean time! And since I’m a regular you can call me Grace that my real name :)
A lie by omission which is intended to deceive is still a lie. Also, when someone tells a complicated "story" ask them questions... and ask them to tell the story again.
Thanks Amber,
Thanks for this video. I work in the addiction field You hit the nail on the head when you talked about ignoring your instincts and rationalising or excusing away an addict’s lies because I may be avoiding conflict. It is a secret of mine. I am afraid of conflict sometimes. Keep up the good work.
Hi KC, glad you liked it! Also glad you’re out there helping us fight addiction. 👊
Do not listen to this charlatan
7:49 the gut feeling will never lie. hands down every single time. every time.
I found out the hard way, I didn’t listen to my gut feeling, I wish I’d seen this video a long time ago. I was used and deeply hurt.
Being bored!! Never thought of this but it's so true!!
How to know if an addict is lying, their lips are moving. The end
😭
😂🤣😐🤔🤨😣😠🤬😵😭😑😪
Just... So very many emotions.
Pretty much
When they don't talk about getting sober, when they not talking about their last screw up. ,when they not talking about what they need to take care of or asking my advice and most of all when they have come to the piont that they just screwed up but act like it didn't happen and you inquire about it and they say your stuck in the past and they say they just want to go forward in life and I'm like well you have court in a couple of weeks and they say ( I will deal with it when it gets here and then they look like they going into a panic attack ! Totally can tell they cannot deal with faceing their problems and wishes he was invisible or could run and hide long enough that he is forgot about ! Really sad to hear and watch !
I have experienced all five of these!!! Over and over again. Thank you for pointing them out!
I'm glad this was helpful, Gina!
Do you think it's important to call out a lie if you hear one?
Put The Shovel Down do you think it’s important to call out a lie if my loved one tells me a lie?
Every time my alcoholic sister opens her mouth, she's lying.
It doesn't do any good calling her on her shit because she doesn't even acknowledge the truth to herself. The queen of denial.
I play along until I hit my BS max. I use your strategies when dealing with her.
I used to feel the need to pry the lies out of my addicted ex-husband. I just had to prove he was using.
I did a lot wrong with him but the outcome was unavoidable either way.
It's different but the sand with your sister.
@@sarag1158 it’s so hard not to call out when you know they’re lying!
You won't get anywhere calling out a lie to a drug addict.. An addict will always play the victim card . In 7 years of being with my wife , the lies poured out of her mouth. . I knew 100% she was lying but rather than admit she gave me 10 minute fake stories and it was as though she actually believed what she was saying was true . I hope one day she can overcome her addiction and I've learnt that the lies are because of the drugs and she was ashamed .I tired to support and help her but her idea of that was me putting up with her lies and just letting her please herself what she did and mix with others doing the same . It wasn't a life for me and it's hard to walk away from a loved one but you have to think about your own life and mine was being destroyed mentally and financially.
I hope to god she finds the help she needs one day
You know an alcoholic is lying if his mouth is open!
100%
I have been dealing with an addict for nearly 7 yrs now, i left completely for 2.
I just got in touch with him again after learning a lot in how to deal with them. I decided more than anything I wanted to be friends again and to let him know that I am here for him but I do have my boundaries because I will NEVER go thru what I went thru with him if we are more.
He's on meth but you would never know it. He's a functional user and highly intelligent so he gets away with being still on it. I will not deviate from my stance because I know it's not right for me or him. He has never committed to me and that's also been an issue, at least he didn't lie about that!
I know it seems crazy but we got this crazy ass intellectual and friendship on top of amazing chemistry and I've NEVER had that in my life completely. I am hoping he stops what he does one day and I do give him shit about it in a sincere yet caring and hard tough love way...which he actually likes to some degree...he does see many things in me that he likes but until he gets off this stuff and commits to me and a better life, it's a no go for anything else.
Girl come back to earth!!! He don’t want you; he wants the drugs! He will never change!! Use your brain
I can't believe your long and complex reasoning. He only loves smoking meth. You're an emotional and financial means for him to continue his habit.
Your so pretty inside and out sister thank you for the right advice ..and for doing the healing work that you do
Ill keep up
Awwwww, thank you Saraii! 😊😊😊😊
Okay so I’m binge watching your videos. I am desperate. However, your shirt is amazing! It made me happy. Foxes are a sign for me that I am on the right path. Where did you get it?! I want one. Thank you so so much for your help.
Glad you like the videos! what a coincidence about the shirt 🦊🦊🦊
If you are dealing with a drunk or junkie, the telltale sign I look for is if their lips are moving.
I feel like you should have a video saying how know if an addict is telling the truth, as my addict spouse is lying nonstop all the time. Nothing they say adds up.
They have time gaps they won’t explain, have people around them they won’t identify, they say and do things that aren’t like them at all, it does feel like they are playing games and manipulating, and it’s also super impossible to even get them on the phone (which is totally not like them).
They seem to have a different personality for each drug and now are super super distant.
The only thing I can say is I get one call a day that is now very very short. Feel like I’m losing them
Thank you for all that you do Amber!!
Happy to help, Frederique!
Best technique is this one...if their mouth is moving..they are lying.
I've had that response tons of times. I know there's a lot of people out there, who'd agree with that one!
YOu should go on Big Brother! You would play the game great! Currently going through this with my sister, who is a pill user.
Why do you think I'd be good on Big Brother? 😂🤣
They're pathological liars. I don't understand why the truth is so difficult for them.
You talk a lot about instincts and trusting your gut but it’s hard because I grew up with an ultra paranoid mom.
I guess that would make it much harder to trust your instincts.
You are on the money girl! Thank you!
You are the real deal thank you.
One plus one equals two. If it doesn't add up, its most likely a lie.
100%
Just the other day I was listening to both addicts because I noticed they were discussing something my husband told me not to tell anyone. He was lying to them or me, who knows? Interesting how he tells the whole story when he's drunk and he hangs out with people who I don't like.
I like that you're paying attention, Christina! #5stepsahead
My son told me he was in a tent with people using meth but he never used it. He then said don't get mad. I asked him how he slept the 3 previous days , he said a few hours.
That story definitely has holes in it! 😫
He's on meth.
I have a friendship with an addict that I thought would lead to more off and on for almost 5 years they have used me, gaslighted me, and lied so much that I don't know what's true. They are a master of manipulation, and a skilled lyer and use people mostly men. I was trying to help them but again they stoled and lyed.
I am watching your videos and trying to find a way to help them, I understand addiction better than others being an alcoholic sober 7 years. We have never been intimate but I know she lyes about sleeping with me and everything. Even when I don't want to know she offers up nothing happened.
I do not know if she loves me cares for me or ever did at this point. She always runs and hides after she does bad things wrong.
So I am finding more lyes out as I go. So I find myself wondering if she is still lying about things out of shame and guilt? Or so she can get my guard down, make me think she loves me or wants me just to use me? I'm guessing both. Or if it's coming out of a place of fear of losing me.
But I feel like I need to know if I'm just another guy she uses, and she means none of it? Because it's my love not hers that brings me back. Or if she does love me and want what she has said. Her actions say no, but her addict knows if she's with me for real, there's a good chance I would help her kill it. Or maybe I'm just an easy mark.
My head hurts, I feel like I need to know more, because I will never give up on her, and I'm ok just being friends but if she just loves my help and stuff and attention but not me then I'm not wasting my time. But I can't yell 9n active use
Very helpful! Thanks.
My pleasure, Julie!
Why do they lie tho? Shame? What else are they hiding?
When they are lying, we are not supposed to call them out on it? I think I have been handling this all wrong.
I know it's not fair 😣
How to help someone who is in total denial? My brother is in very bad shape. He spends most of his days barefoot (he always loses his shoes for some reason) downtown trying to sell anything he can find. He doesn’t know what day it is and is completely disorganized. He just got thrown out of his apartment because he was throwing stuff out the window and trying to start a fire inside… when we try to talk about his drug use he gets agressive. He’s super arrogant and mean with us, he blames us for going to jail… he basically blames everyone for his situation…
This info is great.
Gosh, thanks Lena
Whats the best methods of getting an addict to acknowledge that they need help???
Hi London, Great question. The CRAFT Method (Community Reinforcement And Family Training) is the best (most proven) method for helping a loved one move through the stages of change and acknowledge they need to change/get help/get sober. Here's a video about that particular technique. Let me know what you think 😀
ruclips.net/video/mvtUv3dO8ms/видео.html
@@PutTheShovelDown hello to you and thank you... I am going to check it out...
The person is still in denial and has been since he left rehab in 2008... He is functional as far as going to work but a mess with paying bills and doing adult things...he denies he needs help and will rage and once he see that isn't working any longer he leaves out and tells me he doesn't want to hear me mention again because he doesnt use (which he really does, I've found straws razors straws with blood, his hidding places such as in vents etc always searching though the kids and my things... Whats the best approach on this???
Oh goodness, you’ve definitely got a situation in your hands. Shoot me an email at amber@hffrc.com and I’ll give you some options
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you I'll email you tomorrow.
very useful thank you
I would like to know if you have a email to get in touch with you thanks
Greatwok
Thanks!
Sorry in active addiction and no program or therapy everything out of addicts mouth is distorted
All this is true but then the gaslighting enters and you question it all. Dangit
Here's a video on what to do when the addict does lie to you! ruclips.net/video/HiZwRrA1QII/видео.html
what if you just found out and you know they will die?!
#1 is #1
😁
4&5!
Watch this video about LIES ADDICTS TELL THEMSELVES! 😲🤥 ruclips.net/video/goDCrmahx-c/видео.html
100%
This is fucked, but here's how to be sly about it: Openly joke about your problems. Others will be at ease due to your "self-awareness" and will start to see your problem as a joke.
Any intervention will then be seen as "being too serious" for what is "a joke." Especially in a social environment.
OMG
💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
Just a reads up here: You're working against autistic people. All of us, who have the ability to speak, will speak more formally. And no - we're not lying. We're autistic.
When you say that people who talk formally are lying, you make life a lot harder for autistic people. I'd ask you to reconsider this.
Watch this video about LIES ADDICTS TELL THEMSELVES! 🤥😲 ruclips.net/video/goDCrmahx-c/видео.html