One of the key takeaways I have gotten from this show is when John said “yelling is abuse”. I used to be a huge yeller and would justify it in my mind by saying that my partner, kids, etc. pushed me too far. I was wrong. Yelling is emotional abuse. Our home has totally changed over the past 2-3 years because of what I have learned from this show.
My mom yelled at us constantly growing up. My dad wasn’t much a yeller; he had to be extremely angry to yell. My older sister now yells at her children, my younger sister takes a mild approach and is slower to anger. But I can tell you as a 45 yo woman, I am still sometimes afraid of the backlash from mom and older sister when I tell them my plans or decisions I’ve made-bc of all the yelling. So good on you that you’ve made this change so they don’t grow up afraid of you, your judgment, and their own good decisions.
I was a yeller too much to deal with alcoholic husband, alone with small boys. No one to talk to. Not an excuse tho. One of my biggest regret in my life. I apologize to them several times.
I do disagree. I’m not a yeller, im a talker but my mum was a huge yeller. I didn’t like being yelled at but who does However I do not think my mum was an abuser. I think it’s quite an extreme description. I think if you have a problem with yelling, you’re definitely emotionally unintelligent for sure. Probably a hot take but just my opinion
@@holliejane3605yeah that’s definitely wrong. Telling at someone, especially if it’s a habit is emotional abuse. Let me ask you, do you have low self esteem?
My daughter's school got a new principal this year, and he decided not to have a "Moving On" ceremony, and many were upset. He decided we would have a full "Fun Day" for 5th graders with parents (optional) and teachers. He hired a DJ, had Kona ice come to the school, pizza for lunch, t-shirts to all sign, and a huge 5th grade kickball tournament! When I tell you, the kids LOVED it! This is my 3rd child and by far the best time.
Parents with anger issues, let me tell you what's going to happen: your kids will learn to walk on eggshells about life, afraid that whatever they do or say could have terrifying consequences, potential disabling perfectionism, difficulty to make decisions, extreme people pleasers, easy to manipulate and take advantage of, and your kids are at a high risk of marrying an abusive someone because they will be drawn to the familiarity of it. Quit now!
Yeah I have lots of memories of my dad yelling and being verbally abusive while also breaking a few things , glad I’m not like him , wasn’t going to let myself be like that
My mom had a beautiful blue pitcher and eight matching ice tea glasses, an anniversary gift from my older sister, who had left home after high school and was living on her own. One Friday evening, when my parents were arguing, my dad picked up one of those beautiful glasses, stood at the top of the stairs leading to our family room, and hurled that glass with ball the force he could muster. Yeah, it broke into a hundred shards as it hit the hard tiled floor. My mom screamed at us kids not to touch a bit of it. That was our TV room, our play room, the primary exit/entrance to the garage, basement, lower bathroom, another sister’s bedroom, and the outdoors. Made the room useless as we tiptoed through the glass field for TWO days, until my sister and I quietly swept up the glass and cleaned the floor on Sunday night. It’s been 52 years, and I remember it like yesterday. Not a day passed in my childhood that I didn’t feel a sense of doom around my parents.
I stayed with a man who stole from me, cheated on me, and lied to me, the held me uo against a wall by my throat and smashed his fist into the wall next to my head, for about 5 extra months after being with him for over a year. Sometimes you just have to love yourself enough to go. Find a way to leave, however that looks, and just pack your bags and go.
That is absolutely insane and not normal. Proud of you for leaving. I’ve been married to my wife 10 years now and I’ve never once had the urge to throw things or scare her. In fact whenever we do have a rare fight I always get depressed because I hate that we aren’t in harmony and miss our relationship. So we always make up really quickly. And I’m someone who has eternal trauma from my own family. My father never hit my mom once. But he would explode in rage and shout when he’d lose control of a situation. And because of that I have lived my whole life with anxiety where I feel a pressure on my chest during these situations. Like if someone is pushing my buttons or I lose control of a situation I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe. But despite that I do not yell, scream, or throw things. My wife is also a survivor of an abusive family and abusive ex bfs. And similarly she never yells at me or throws things. There was one time in our relationship like 7 years back where we both shouted. I forget why. But we then both started laughing because we realized how stupid we sounded. Like not even making this up. We just burst into laughter because we were both being so childish. And it never happened again. I say all this because people screaming and throwing things is not normal and is definitely a choice. We both had awful upbringings where we have every reason to do those things yet we control our own actions. So I am really sorry you had to go through this. I hope you find someone that treats you with love and respect. Someone who loves you enough to put aside their own selfish instincts.
its insane how many women have low self worth. listening to these calls has really helped me identify some of these traits in myself and realize what behaviors are not worth putting up with , vs what behaviors are a part of a healthy relationship thank you. 🙏🏼✨️💞
I lived with this exact same situation for 20 years. He will never take responsibility, never get help. He lied consistently about changing just to push me off. A couple of months ago, the police removed him from the home. I've never felt better. I look like a different person. I wish I hadn't wasted 20 years but all I have now is the future.
@pamalahetherington Best wishes in your new life, sister ❣️ I'm so glad you claimed your freedom. I'm not a big Miley Cirus fan. But, I dedicate the song" I can love me better" to you. 😅 Way to go. I admire your strength. ❤❤❤❤❤
Dr. John, you do more for people in a half hour than months of treatment by most therapists. Plus, you're helping all of us who get to listen and learn. Thank you so much for telling us facts!
Nice to hear from someone who was ACTUALLY a child. Really gives me some perspective. I was an ancient 8th dimension cephalopod entity that ate a young adults soul and the stole their body.
My significant other did this ONCE. He knows if it ever happens again I’m gone. I flew back home for a month and stayed with my old roommate over BS like this. Absolutely NOT He never did it again
Correct! Once you can realize that you had no warning, it's unacceptable and it's that person's fault entirely. More than once and it's your fault for letting it continue.
Caller 1. You are in an abusive relationship. This is not your fault! You should seek out a good therapist, I recommend someone who is certified in DBT Therapy. This is trauma therapy that will give you tools to learn how to recognize abusers. Your family taught you that you deserve this kind of bad abuse. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse because when they hit us they leave bruises and we can see that he is abusing us. With emotional abuse, you can't see it.
I used to think if he was hitting me people would see what he was doing to me! Emotional abuse goes very deep and women put up with it for a long time!
I am a woman with ADHD. The biggest struggles that I have related to that are related to emotional regulation. It is not and has never been an excuse for me to cause harm to people I care about. If anything, I have to be way more self-aware to avoid hurting people I care about. People with disabilities deserve reasonable accommodation and understanding, but we are no less responsible for our behavior than anyone else
I'm an adult man with ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago. Emotional regulation is a real struggle! Sometimes you just disassociate if somethings uncomfortable, sometimes the most inconsequential things all seem to stack on top of one another and are super enraging. That being said, things are still within my control, and life is just so much better when you take the time to point out what's upsetting your, and then make a conscious decision to focus on the things that matter and choose to love the people in your life.
I agree! But they need to see their behavior and realize you got to get help. When I had my first outburst of rage, I told my husband this is not okay. I’m getting help immediately. It was scary it wasn’t me. Thankfully I didn’t break anything
Amen! I’m a mom with ADHD raising a child with ADHD who struggles with emotional regulation. We talk ALL the time about how sometimes we have to work extra-hard to manage our emotions, but struggling to manage emotions is never an excuse for hurting people.
The husband in the first call isn't angry or out of control. He's using anger as a tool in his kit for controlling his family. He knows exactly what he's doing and isn't going to change because the point for him is not having a happy family bond. We can know this because for a decade he's been using every sly trick in the book to emotionally manipulate her. If he were just an angry boy he'd just be angry.
You are 100% correct and I’m so glad to see this comment This is exactly what Lundy Bancroft explains in his book “Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men” The husband is doing this on purpose to control his family. Does the husband break any of HIS stuff or only hers and shared family things? I doubt he breaks his stuff when he’s mad. Which means he KNOWS the difference and is CHOOSING to be violent with hers and family shared things. He’s not out of control, he is very much IN control. He needs professional help and Dr John was right.
@@HPLaserJet2100tnYES!!! Thank you for bringing up Lundy Bancroft’s book. Life changing. I thought I was smart- I have a doctorate, but I didn’t know for years that I was being abused. I’ve come through it- 4 years of detaching and reconfiguring my family. Cheers and thanks again for sharing truth.😊
Having grandparents in our town is a blessing that I never had. My kids had weekly dates with grandma, and gparents went to every event. Staying close isn't right for everyone, but it was one of the best gifts that we gave to our kids.
No apology is sincere if the same actions keep being repeated. A true apology is followed by changed behavior. My father had horrible angry outbursts that were frightening. He ruled our home with yelling and fear, sometimes with physical abuse. Then, the next thing he was all kind and caring. So bizarre! I’m certain that if his behavior happened in today’s world, CPS would have been called in. He was well respected outside our home except to neighbors, but behind closed doors he could be a monster.
Had the same…dad that constantly yelled and screamed at us for any little thing. He has PTSD from Vietnam,and came from an alcoholic father who was abusive, so I can understand now to a point. That kind of yelling continuously ruins your nervous system which can come back later in life as a response to that continued stress year after year.
I just dont understand married people. She's living in a house with a MONSTER for 10yrs walking on eggshells Promised to never divorce yet understands why people divorce. Kids will secretly hate him and mom too for staying with a loser. I hope those kids aren't teens because they will more than likely will repeat the cycle 🙄
This is the example he is setting in the home that dad rules by terrifying the family by yelling and breaking things. Sadly the kids might very well either do it themselves or allow it to happen to them.
@@GodessIsabelRaina She did, He slowly manipulated and traumatized her over time. It doesn’t happen overnight. What matters is that she’s seeking help now 🙏🏽
I’m a teacher and 1000% agree with you about too many graduations. It’s so much! And it cheapens the big accomplishments by going all out for all of the small accomplishments. I unfortunate to not have promotion ceremonies, but passing the grade level is the bare minimum you can do. We are just dangling carrots for every little thing, and it’s teaching kids that they don’t have to do something unless they get a reward for it.
Dr D is on point with first caller. I had a similar marriage and my CPTSD kept me feeling responsible for my husband’s feelings and outbursts. He let the wife know she was not responsible for h’s anger. And he let her know the danger of leaning through her body’s opposition to his behavior if her H leans in toward her. This wife/mom is so strong to be getting help for this. Keep it up and I hope you have a great outcome. ❤ Thanks Dr D for your great advice and help.
😢😢😢Hi my swty get out of this marriage it's just going to get worse his behavior is unexpecteable think of ur kids my swty my prayer is that God must protect you and your kids🙏🙏🙏
John, this was just an awesome show. Thank you for teaching adults how to not be abusive screamers in the home. Glad to hear Kelly is alright and that it is two-sided and everyone has a voice that is heard. I already felt that, but hearing you two explain it outloud was actually incredibly sweet.
First story, that was my ex husband too. Chance after chance after ect.. it ended in him having an affair. He broke me so bad after 10 yrs he couldn't stand my emotions (saddness, anxiety, depression..) even tho he was who took my safety and security away and left our family for his manager. He blamed me for it all so I blamed myself for everything, until this last year a shift happened and I realize it was all him and I was too forgiving for far too long. 💔 I hope all the best for her.
Sounds just like my ex-fiance too - he was soo good at convincing me that I am the reason for our relationship issues. He blamed me for things that I clearly didn't play a part in and I believed him. I was hypervigilant trying to be perfect so that I wouldn't get criticized. I also feared his angry outbursts and though he never got physically violent, his words and how he made me feel had already done enough to almost destroy my self-esteem. When I finally stopped trying to prove myself, I stopped believing him and was able to move forward. It took sooo much courage for me to leave - but one last argument jolted me towards that decision. And I finally was able to walk away.
Sadly there are some adults that are men who never learned how to not use his fists and yell at women and children when he gets tired, frustrated, or exhausted. Not to say they can't be in a relationship. And also women can get into the mind set of he is not all bad only when he gets mad or yells at me during arguments. I get abuse can from women as well. Abuse is abuse.
You got this first caller! You have been abused and you deserve much better! He is controlling and intimidating you! Leave! It will be hard and down the road you will find someone who will cherish you!
Totally agree on the graduation/promotion ceremonies. My daughter had a graduation for kindergarten, and I commented in one of my mom groups that I thought they were so unnecessary. You would've thought I had said I didn't love my kid. Several people came for my throat, asking why in the world I would say my kid doesn't deserve to be celebrated. You can celebrate your kids accomplishments without having a huge ceremony for every little milestone.
It is difficult to see the littles move into the next stage for a lot of parents. They are happy for them, but the reality of it hits hard. Sometimes the graduations are about more than the graduations--wishing they could stay small, cute, fun and possibly unaffected by this world?
i can totally sympathize with the first caller. being in a relationship with someone who has anger issues is both traumatizing and heartbreaking. it's traumatizing because you'll forever remember the outbursts and the things they say to you while they're angry, even going so far as to believe what they're saying. but it's also incredibly heartbreaking loving someone through their anger issues when they don't want to get help for themselves. and that's when you have to walk away, and even that can be hard despite knowing that deep down it's the right thing to do.
It’s frustrating bc it’s so fixable too. I’m autistic and had a lot of anger from over stimulation. I went and got help started meditation and do yoga 4 times a week and I’m a new person. Now my kids do yoga also and we all work on frustration or anger together. Just go help help there is so much help and things to do
My husband just confessed to me that he’s been struggling with rage. But he’s been trying to handle it on his own. While I’ve sensed that something has been off lately, I never saw the rage. Just a sense of distance. Saying this to say he’s NEVER yelled at me… or thrown anything at me. He will step away if he needs to. He’ll take a minute to himself. He would / will never put me in danger bc of HIS feelings. It’s not the anger. It’s the man. For context: my husband is a police officer. The rage, we think, is a symptom of his career. He was finally able to voice that he’s struggling with it so we’re getting him help. ❤️ To the comment assuming he takes it out at work: He usually channels it into a good workout. My husband became an officer to build community relations and to serve justice. Not to take his anger out on people. He has never once received a community complaint for his behavior. But has in fact been awarded for things like talking someone out of suicide. And arresting gang bangers within hours of brutally attacking a young woman. Even the men he's arrested have later talked highly of him. He is a God fearing man + I have full confidence he has never abused his power.
That’s a good man, please thank your husband for me and his service to this community! I genuinely hope he’s able to get the help he needs and can find peace. 💙
There isn't a single cop in this country that doesn't actively cover for other officers engaged in despicable things. It's something they don't even try to hide. They are supposed to be proud of it. They call it, "The Thin Blue Line" and it means cops versus everyone else. A cop who covers for cops that play evidence, rapist cops, bad shooter cops, cops that break their oath to the Constitution at every turn are considered "good cops" and "team players." Cops that blow the whistle are ostracized and quickly find themselves no longer police. It's the culture of policing. If your husband is a good man and he sounds like he is than it might just be that playing along with that culture is what is f'ing him up. Some of the bravest, best, most moral men I've ever heard speak are ex cops who are trying to change that system for the better. Whistleblowers so to speak. This country needs a massive overhaul on police culture and it's going to have to come from the bottom up because the powers that be are only making it worse. Qualified immunity, terrible terrible cops keeping their jobs and getting a day of probation after killing innocent people... The Supreme Court has literally decided that police are under no obligation at all to actually police. Someone could be getting stabbed right next to them and they can just look on. No exaggeration as that's the actual case the Supreme Court examined to make the ruling that police don't have to protect or serve or police in any way. I know that belonging to such a organization would mess me up.
He is not "a gaslighting child." He is a NARCISSIST and will never change. Therapy will be a charade to get back in the house and start the cycle all over again.
Caller #1 Trapped in the trauma of her past unfortunately....which ultimately caused her to find that unfinished business with her father with a husband. When they split she needs to focus on herself she needs to leave him for good she is so stuck in her trauma that she doesn't she how absolutely abnormal her situation is it isn't something she needs to stay in. This is why I am such a supporter of women not starting families with men until they can confidentiality say if things go south I can support my family if needed.
I know D's suggestion to caller #2 to "take the kids and go get ice cream" was meant to be constructive. But if that sort of thing becomes a habit, the kids may learn to console themselves with food, especially sweets, which will come back to bite them later in life. Take it from someone who eats their feelings. Take the kids for a walk instead.
36:21 to be fair he said “we are going to get some ice cream OR go for a walk” so he gave options and she’s not ALWAYS flying off the handle so it’s not like they are having ice cream every time. I think his suggestion was very fair but I also see your point if it becomes a habit!
Growing up, in my school district we had NO graduation or promotion ceremonies other than annual award assemblies for attendance, citizenship, grades, etc. When I moved (as an adult) I was surprised that in other communities these multiple graduation ceremonies were the norm. I found it really odd. 8th grade graduation was important when that was the last grade many people completed, but that’s no longer the norm. All these ceremonies get redundant, and just create an expectation for gifts. When you’re buying gifts or giving cash to 10-15 graduates every year, including 8th grader, it becomes burdensome.
Started therapy for the anger outbursts and rages of breaking things and giving my family anxiety and nightmares and it’s getting better but still deeply challenging. 😞
you're doing brave work, good job!! I know it must feel super uncomfortable some times but one day in a few years you will look back on you now and be SO GLAD you got help and be so proud of yourself for how far you've come. Blessings!! ✨️
Good for you! Acknowledging that in yourself and seeking help you should feel so proud! Keep up the hard work for your family as well as yourself. You are strong and important.
On the graduation thing. I think when you graduate and leave the school you are in to go to the next school is a good rule of thumb to make a ceremony.
The guy with the daughter who got divorced, what John says about treating women wonderful in front of her, and writing messages to her, SO IMPORTANT! As an old lady now, who neededto see that and didn't, I can attest, its really important to have a great dad and compare every one to him. Then We'd see up front what losers they really are before we mess up, and get involved
I'm 67 and we all had one graduation ceremony. When we completed high school. Isn't that the whole point? Where you finish Kindergarten - Grade 12 and get a diploma?
As a child my mom's 2nd husband did the same thing. It was terrifying and confusing. He would rage and break things and humiliate me in the worst way, then the next day warm and generous. When he first moved in with us, he tore apart my brother's bedroom, tipping over the dresser and other furniture, throwing the mattresses of the bed, and screaming. My brother was about 16 and left home to go to another state to live with our grandma. Eventually this turned into physical abuse for both myself and my mother until they divorced.
Our end of school year tradition is to either make sundaes or root beer floats, so I’m completely on board with ice cream over sitting outside in the heat! LOL!
The only thing that makes me lash out in anger is the Pizza Hut website. How hard is it to build a website I can reliably order a pizza from? I almost smashed my computer screen the other night. My wife has never even remotely had the ability to make me that mad.
Ending a toxic abusive marriage of 11 years was one of the hardest and best decision I ever made…Sending you virtual hugs lady. Praying God protects you and your family, heals your marriage with a miracle, or gives you the strength to move forward with a newer safer life.
Totally relate to the 3rd caller. We moved away from my husband's family going on 6 months ago and it has been exactly what i had been hoping for. My husband has been stepping up and into his own, and it really feels like what our married life should have been 2 years ago. It hasn't been an easy transition but it's been really great for us and i hope for that for the caller as well
I listen to all these relationship stories on this show and I have have every little bit of these problems in my own. Makes me wonder if it’s worth being in one at all.
The 2nd caller - you are a good dad. Protect your kids from her. It could get worse and she could add physical abuse because rage can do that. No excuse for her to act like that towards kids. Dr. John is right have other adults and things the kids can get affirmation from and showing them not all people are like this and it isn't their fault. My dad was working so much he didn't know how bad my mother was. Now he knows and is so suprised how evil she was because he thought she only did it to him. If you protect your kids they will continue to have a relationship with you and if she doesn't change she will be one those mothers when she is older that wonders why don't my kids talk to me? She can control herself. My mom would be the quietest most fake person at church and with others and still is to this day.
If I were told I’m the reason why someone breaks things or has anger management difficulties why would I stay???? To be blamed for someone else’s behavior for the rest of my life….and you want intimacy from me???? Im praying for you sister❤❤
We knew we were promoted up to the next grade when we got our final report cards at the end of the school year. Mom and Dad took us out to dinner to celebrate. All done. Summer vacation now. Lather, rinse, repeat. it was just a normal progression, no big drama. Life was so simple!!
My mother still uses angry yelling, spews venom and vitriolic speech and hysterical behavior to control, and manipulate. It is so traumatic. I spiral for days after she unleases on me. I am so tired. I cry for days... I spiral for days ... and I am over 30 years old.
Leave need some time away so you can get your thoughts together and realize you don’t have to be stepping around worrying about what’s gonna set him off you need to be aware that your children are in the front row watching this going down be strong. I was in a relationship like that for 24 years ! I finally realized when my son that was out of the house asked me why I put up with that behavior and his drinking had a lot to do with it! I had finally had enough and left him a note saying my lawyer I’ll talk to your lawyer we’re done and it was the best decision I had made! but it took my grown son to make me realize I didn’t have to put up with that behavior anymore
Im living this womans nightmare as we speak.... I finally put my foot doen to protect my kids... I kicked my husband out too. And everything this woman is talking about is my husband to a tee.... What the hell is wrong with some guys?!
OMG. Thank you. 1. "No no nooooo. As a survivor and sp Someone with >insert mental health issue< you put yourself in the perpetrator role.... 2. One angry outlast and refusal to get help is not acceptable Heavy and feeling relief.
Wow, how she has tolerated her husband for 10 yrs is beyond me. I hope she stands firm and gets help for all the emotional trauma she has been through off her father & husband.
The second caller does not always have the choice. The situation just explodes sometimes. I think some of us just don’t like having a family to take care of. And we realize it after we are far in it.
There’s way too much for parents to try and keep up with and so much of it is not necessary in my opinion. You have to have some down time at home to get refreshed, and when it’s constant running and activities, you get depleted.
The day I graduated high school, I showed up at school early, picked up my diploma, and moved across the country. I never regretted missing my graduating ceremony or party. I had zero interest being involved in that.😂
Almost bummed I missed this premier. Was playing Candy Land with my younger kids. Gotta be honest, that was more fun. 🤩 Now, I’m hiding terrified in the bathroom from trying to learn Pokémon with my 10 y/o. I remember trying to learn this years ago with our oldest. I’m too ADHD for that game. I can’t keep track of so many details. Candy Land is my jam. It’s more my speed. This poor girl. She is being abused. The fact that he blames her for his tantrums is textbook abuse. Amazing that she was able to kick him out and shocking that he has actually left. Folks like this are notorious for steamrolling boundaries. Right?
I got to go to my nephew’s pre-K advancement this week and I will never go to another graduation because none of them will ever top getting to watch these 5 year olds Tootie Ta and other songs and dance on stage for 30 minutes. Everyone loved it! I also suspect it was a way for the administrators to get the adults’ attention to remind us to make sure to keep building their skills over the summer.
I’m commenting, though I never do. My husband and I were just talking about this last week with our daughters fifth grade graduation. We 100% agree with both of you.!!! it’s more about the parents and it takes away from the child high school graduation
We only have graduation from university/college where I live. Yes, we have award ceremonies each school year but graduation from university is the one time that you wear a gown & hat. I think the elementary/primary, high school etc graduations in the US is excessive.
Her husband’s sounds a lot like my ex husband. Mine did get physical as well though. We separated a couple of times and both times he seemed to be changing and getting better and getting help but it was all show to get me back. He always went back to the same behavior. I did everything I could. I even offered to go with him for help if it made him more comfortable to go. Nothing mattered to him. What made it really bad is he is also an alcoholic so the rage got even worse when he drank way too much. I finally walked away for good years ago. Living in peace now. He also use to accuse me of not caring about him even after all the things I did to help him and put up with. It’s just a manipulation tactic. I always hope the best for people and their relationships. I hope he can change and they can be happy but she needs to make this separation long and he needs to prove he’s getting help. That kind of behavior will not change quickly. It’s not your fault doll. Do not spend to long waiting for him to change. I was with my ex for about the same amount of time. I came to the conclusion that if he was going to change he would have long ago. We’ve been apart for years and he’s still the same now as he’s always been. The problem was we wait for who they were when we were dating and eventually realize that was the show and this is actually who they are and that’s why it’s not changing.
The line if he was having a conversation where he needs to take accountability he bails. but about your problems he wouldnt disoate. That hit. My ex would do that all the time
Both my sons wanted to skip college graduation especially at a large state school. I kinda made my oldest because my mom was still alive and she loved him so much. Ended up we all pretty much overheated since it wasn’t air conditioned in June. Mom was gone when the youngest graduated and he was happy when he didn’t have to walk. We did 18th birthday parties and took them out to a nice dinner for their graduation. Ask your kids what they want.
hey guys, if you have kids go trying fishing. i do this every yr and my daughter was not intrested till this year. but every yr i would keep doing it. and i have an autistic 7 yr old. another thing is with me having girls, they are creative. my 9 yr old is started crocheting. I'm learning with her, but she wanted to make plushie for her step father. just spreading some of y'all parents if you wanna do something with the kids, cuz we get so caught up with life.
Where’s that energy for the second caller? Do you feel the same way about the anxiety ridden wife who is abusing her husband and children? Or do you only go after men
I grew up in this exact dynamic (2nd caller) and as an adult I hate passive men who are conflict avoidant cowards. I have an aversion to them that i realize is completely trauma based.
My ex did the same exact thing. Break things, punch holes in the wall,cabinets, etc. He would say i do it so i dont hit you. I told him yeah because it would be your last. I left him 6 years ago. Best thing i ever did
Third caller. MOVE!!! My story: I decided to move to another city in my early 30's for job and career opportunities. I was still living at home with my mom and still single after various relationships did not work out and after many attempts to find steady work failed me. I wasn't happy, but just dealing with all of this. Moving away had been on my mind for some time, but I didn't have a clear view of where that would be. When I figured it out, I worked a variety of part time jobs, saved my money and then told my mom I was leaving. The day before I left, she gave me 2 wire coat hangers and a roll of toilet paper. She didn't speak to me for months. Eventually, she got over her attitude, came to visit and enjoyed herself to no end. You are not responsible for your parents' feelings about where you live, especially as a woman with a family of your own. If your parents want to be in your life, they will find a way to do it. 4 hours away is nothing.
I agree that there are too many award ceremonies/graduations. Prek, kindergarten, elementary, middle school... By the time you get to HS and college, it doesn't mean as much.
I grew up in an environment with this behavior and once it’s normalize you emulate it. You become someone who is not worthy, who starts seeing the world in a compromised view.. you let someone turn you into something you are not. A victim and an abuser.
Totally agree - too many awards for too little in the milestones department! Maybe Grade 8 graduation to Highschool? Yes! Highschool Grad - should be the big celebration!
He's willing to sacrifice his children by keeping them in a relationship with the abusive mother for the sake of the marriage. He needs to leave with the children.
@@anneeddrief6055I don't know any strong people who say stuff like what you're saying. It doesn't matter if it's tough or not. You give up the luxury of being weak once you have kids.
Someone who's violent and abusive and always apologizes afterward is in a cycle of behavior, a routine.They know what they're doing is wrong and that they're going to be sorry afterwards. It's in the works, the plan so to speak. They're lookng forward to the sorry part too and the make up sex afterwards is a big thing for them. I was in an abusive marriage, I know the routine. Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did for myself and my famiy...I was his 4th wife btw, the abuse didn't start till we lived together, them BOOM, IT WOULDN'T STOP.
One of the key takeaways I have gotten from this show is when John said “yelling is abuse”. I used to be a huge yeller and would justify it in my mind by saying that my partner, kids, etc. pushed me too far. I was wrong. Yelling is emotional abuse. Our home has totally changed over the past 2-3 years because of what I have learned from this show.
My mom yelled at us constantly growing up. My dad wasn’t much a yeller; he had to be extremely angry to yell. My older sister now yells at her children, my younger sister takes a mild approach and is slower to anger. But I can tell you as a 45 yo woman, I am still sometimes afraid of the backlash from mom and older sister when I tell them my plans or decisions I’ve made-bc of all the yelling. So good on you that you’ve made this change so they don’t grow up afraid of you, your judgment, and their own good decisions.
I was a yeller too much to deal with alcoholic husband, alone with small boys. No one to talk to. Not an excuse tho. One of my biggest regret in my life. I apologize to them several times.
I do disagree. I’m not a yeller, im a talker but my mum was a huge yeller.
I didn’t like being yelled at but who does However I do not think my mum was an abuser. I think it’s quite an extreme description. I think if you have a problem with yelling, you’re definitely emotionally unintelligent for sure.
Probably a hot take but just my opinion
100%. I'm not a yeller but omg my parents are. Its awful. I don't want to ever do this to anyone!
@@holliejane3605yeah that’s definitely wrong. Telling at someone, especially if it’s a habit is emotional abuse. Let me ask you, do you have low self esteem?
My daughter's school got a new principal this year, and he decided not to have a "Moving On" ceremony, and many were upset. He decided we would have a full "Fun Day" for 5th graders with parents (optional) and teachers. He hired a DJ, had Kona ice come to the school, pizza for lunch, t-shirts to all sign, and a huge 5th grade kickball tournament! When I tell you, the kids LOVED it! This is my 3rd child and by far the best time.
LOVE THIS!
Parents with anger issues, let me tell you what's going to happen: your kids will learn to walk on eggshells about life, afraid that whatever they do or say could have terrifying consequences, potential disabling perfectionism, difficulty to make decisions, extreme people pleasers, easy to manipulate and take advantage of, and your kids are at a high risk of marrying an abusive someone because they will be drawn to the familiarity of it. Quit now!
As a child of a narcissistic, angry abuser...this is 100% true.
I feel awful about wanting my own mother to die
Yup! Cptsd for all kids too 😢
Family scapegoat here, 4 years no contact 🎉
As a child from a home where dad smashed things: 1. It is very scary
2. You never forget it
3. If he doesnt get help, it progresses
My dad only popped in a handful of times and most of my memories of him are of him screaming at my mom.
Yeah I have lots of memories of my dad yelling and being verbally abusive while also breaking a few things , glad I’m not like him , wasn’t going to let myself be like that
My mom had a beautiful blue pitcher and eight matching ice tea glasses, an anniversary gift from my older sister, who had left home after high school and was living on her own. One Friday evening, when my parents were arguing, my dad picked up one of those beautiful glasses, stood at the top of the stairs leading to our family room, and hurled that glass with ball the force he could muster. Yeah, it broke into a hundred shards as it hit the hard tiled floor. My mom screamed at us kids not to touch a bit of it. That was our TV room, our play room, the primary exit/entrance to the garage, basement, lower bathroom, another sister’s bedroom, and the outdoors. Made the room useless as we tiptoed through the glass field for TWO days, until my sister and I quietly swept up the glass and cleaned the floor on Sunday night. It’s been 52 years, and I remember it like yesterday. Not a day passed in my childhood that I didn’t feel a sense of doom around my parents.
@@probablynot1368 I think your mom was waiting for him to clean it up.
I stayed with a man who stole from me, cheated on me, and lied to me, the held me uo against a wall by my throat and smashed his fist into the wall next to my head, for about 5 extra months after being with him for over a year. Sometimes you just have to love yourself enough to go. Find a way to leave, however that looks, and just pack your bags and go.
Much strength, bravery,and determination to you! YOU GO GIRL!❤
That is absolutely insane and not normal. Proud of you for leaving. I’ve been married to my wife 10 years now and I’ve never once had the urge to throw things or scare her. In fact whenever we do have a rare fight I always get depressed because I hate that we aren’t in harmony and miss our relationship. So we always make up really quickly.
And I’m someone who has eternal trauma from my own family. My father never hit my mom once. But he would explode in rage and shout when he’d lose control of a situation.
And because of that I have lived my whole life with anxiety where I feel a pressure on my chest during these situations. Like if someone is pushing my buttons or I lose control of a situation I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe.
But despite that I do not yell, scream, or throw things. My wife is also a survivor of an abusive family and abusive ex bfs. And similarly she never yells at me or throws things.
There was one time in our relationship like 7 years back where we both shouted. I forget why. But we then both started laughing because we realized how stupid we sounded. Like not even making this up. We just burst into laughter because we were both being so childish. And it never happened again.
I say all this because people screaming and throwing things is not normal and is definitely a choice. We both had awful upbringings where we have every reason to do those things yet we control our own actions. So I am really sorry you had to go through this.
I hope you find someone that treats you with love and respect. Someone who loves you enough to put aside their own selfish instincts.
I agree. And I think a person can leave even if they have very little money.
its insane how many women have low self worth.
listening to these calls has really helped me identify some of these traits in myself and realize what behaviors are not worth putting up with , vs what behaviors are a part of a healthy relationship
thank you. 🙏🏼✨️💞
I lived with this exact same situation for 20 years. He will never take responsibility, never get help. He lied consistently about changing just to push me off. A couple of months ago, the police removed him from the home. I've never felt better. I look like a different person. I wish I hadn't wasted 20 years but all I have now is the future.
@pamalahetherington Best wishes in your new life, sister ❣️ I'm so glad you claimed your freedom. I'm not a big Miley Cirus fan. But, I dedicate the song" I can love me better" to you. 😅 Way to go. I admire your strength. ❤❤❤❤❤
Dr. John, you do more for people in a half hour than months of treatment by most therapists. Plus, you're helping all of us who get to listen and learn. Thank you so much for telling us facts!
@@donnahobson9263 💯 legit thnkuuuu!
I agree. His shows have been great! I"ve learned a lot. I also learn a lot from the people's comments here.
As a former child, i hated all those ceremonies. It was just only for the parents.
Graduation is one of my worst memories. I didn't want to go.
Small world. I am a former child, too.
Agreed. I didn't even go to my own college graduation.
@@cmartinez0914Me either. Mom forced me to go to my high school grad, but I skipped my college ones entirely. No interest.
Nice to hear from someone who was ACTUALLY a child. Really gives me some perspective. I was an ancient 8th dimension cephalopod entity that ate a young adults soul and the stole their body.
My significant other did this ONCE.
He knows if it ever happens again I’m gone.
I flew back home for a month and stayed with my old roommate over BS like this. Absolutely NOT
He never did it again
Hope it stays that way❤
Well done. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me. GOOD FOR YOU for drawing that boundary.
Correct!
Once you can realize that you had no warning, it's unacceptable and it's that person's fault entirely.
More than once and it's your fault for letting it continue.
You shouldn't have gone back
Caller 1. You are in an abusive relationship. This is not your fault! You should seek out a good therapist, I recommend someone who is certified in DBT Therapy. This is trauma therapy that will give you tools to learn how to recognize abusers. Your family taught you that you deserve this kind of bad abuse. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse because when they hit us they leave bruises and we can see that he is abusing us. With emotional abuse, you can't see it.
Yes that's true. Emotional abuse is more difficult to prove, but it can drive you insane. I'm glad there seems to be more awareness now.
I used to think if he was hitting me people would see what he was doing to me! Emotional abuse goes very deep and women put up with it for a long time!
I am a woman with ADHD. The biggest struggles that I have related to that are related to emotional regulation. It is not and has never been an excuse for me to cause harm to people I care about. If anything, I have to be way more self-aware to avoid hurting people I care about.
People with disabilities deserve reasonable accommodation and understanding, but we are no less responsible for our behavior than anyone else
I'm an adult man with ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago. Emotional regulation is a real struggle! Sometimes you just disassociate if somethings uncomfortable, sometimes the most inconsequential things all seem to stack on top of one another and are super enraging. That being said, things are still within my control, and life is just so much better when you take the time to point out what's upsetting your, and then make a conscious decision to focus on the things that matter and choose to love the people in your life.
I agree! But they need to see their behavior and realize you got to get help. When I had my first outburst of rage, I told my husband this is not okay. I’m getting help immediately. It was scary it wasn’t me. Thankfully I didn’t break anything
Amen! I’m a mom with ADHD raising a child with ADHD who struggles with emotional regulation. We talk ALL the time about how sometimes we have to work extra-hard to manage our emotions, but struggling to manage emotions is never an excuse for hurting people.
This is not due to adhd. Seems to be a trend of people using adhd as an excuse for being emotionally sensitive but it's complete garbage
ADHD is not a disability. Too many people use the "ADHD card" to justity certain actions or claim they can't control themselves.
The husband in the first call isn't angry or out of control. He's using anger as a tool in his kit for controlling his family. He knows exactly what he's doing and isn't going to change because the point for him is not having a happy family bond. We can know this because for a decade he's been using every sly trick in the book to emotionally manipulate her. If he were just an angry boy he'd just be angry.
You are 100% correct and I’m so glad to see this comment
This is exactly what Lundy Bancroft explains in his book “Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men”
The husband is doing this on purpose to control his family. Does the husband break any of HIS stuff or only hers and shared family things? I doubt he breaks his stuff when he’s mad. Which means he KNOWS the difference and is CHOOSING to be violent with hers and family shared things. He’s not out of control, he is very much IN control. He needs professional help and Dr John was right.
Wow! I didn’t think of it this way but it makes total sense. And they can’t imagine life being any different or how to live in a healthy way.
Exactly. It's controlled and calculated. He has her trauma bonded.
Yes I think that's true. There's a difference between losing control and manipulating people.
@@HPLaserJet2100tnYES!!! Thank you for bringing up Lundy Bancroft’s book. Life changing. I thought I was smart- I have a doctorate, but I didn’t know for years that I was being abused. I’ve come through it- 4 years of detaching and reconfiguring my family. Cheers and thanks again for sharing truth.😊
Having grandparents in our town is a blessing that I never had. My kids had weekly dates with grandma, and gparents went to every event. Staying close isn't right for everyone, but it was one of the best gifts that we gave to our kids.
No apology is sincere if the same actions keep being repeated. A true apology is followed by changed behavior. My father had horrible angry outbursts that were frightening. He ruled our home with yelling and fear, sometimes with physical abuse. Then, the next thing he was all kind and caring. So bizarre! I’m certain that if his behavior happened in today’s world, CPS would have been called in. He was well respected outside our home except to neighbors, but behind closed doors he could be a monster.
Had the same…dad that constantly yelled and screamed at us for any little thing. He has PTSD from Vietnam,and came from an alcoholic father who was abusive, so I can understand now to a point. That kind of yelling continuously ruins your nervous system which can come back later in life as a response to that continued stress year after year.
@@lisae6725exact same
Same and it affects you for life.
@@nealiecruz2532 Those kinds of people are very good at fooling others into thinking they are good people.
I just dont understand married people. She's living in a house with a MONSTER for 10yrs walking on eggshells
Promised to never divorce yet understands why people divorce. Kids will secretly hate him and mom too for staying with a loser. I hope those kids aren't teens because they will more than likely will repeat the cycle 🙄
This is the example he is setting in the home that dad rules by terrifying the family by yelling and breaking things. Sadly the kids might very well either do it themselves or allow it to happen to them.
Narc monster
The abuse can be so traumatic that people often don’t realize it until it’s too late unfortunately.
@@Fenty003
But she knows because she went through it as a kid
@@GodessIsabelRaina She did, He slowly manipulated and traumatized her over time. It doesn’t happen overnight. What matters is that she’s seeking help now 🙏🏽
I’m a teacher and 1000% agree with you about too many graduations. It’s so much! And it cheapens the big accomplishments by going all out for all of the small accomplishments. I unfortunate to not have promotion ceremonies, but passing the grade level is the bare minimum you can do. We are just dangling carrots for every little thing, and it’s teaching kids that they don’t have to do something unless they get a reward for it.
Dr D is on point with first caller. I had a similar marriage and my CPTSD kept me feeling responsible for my husband’s feelings and outbursts. He let the wife know she was not responsible for h’s anger. And he let her know the danger of leaning through her body’s opposition to his behavior if her H leans in toward her. This wife/mom is so strong to be getting help for this. Keep it up and I hope you have a great outcome. ❤ Thanks Dr D for your great advice and help.
😢😢😢Hi my swty get out of this marriage it's just going to get worse his behavior is unexpecteable think of ur kids my swty my prayer is that God must protect you and your kids🙏🙏🙏
John, this was just an awesome show. Thank you for teaching adults how to not be abusive screamers in the home.
Glad to hear Kelly is alright and that it is two-sided and everyone has a voice that is heard. I already felt that, but hearing you two explain it outloud was actually incredibly sweet.
First story, that was my ex husband too. Chance after chance after ect.. it ended in him having an affair. He broke me so bad after 10 yrs he couldn't stand my emotions (saddness, anxiety, depression..) even tho he was who took my safety and security away and left our family for his manager. He blamed me for it all so I blamed myself for everything, until this last year a shift happened and I realize it was all him and I was too forgiving for far too long. 💔 I hope all the best for her.
Sounds just like my ex-fiance too - he was soo good at convincing me that I am the reason for our relationship issues.
He blamed me for things that I clearly didn't play a part in and I believed him. I was hypervigilant trying to be perfect so that I wouldn't get criticized.
I also feared his angry outbursts and though he never got physically violent, his words and how he made me feel had already done enough to almost destroy my self-esteem. When I finally stopped trying to prove myself, I stopped believing him and was able to move forward.
It took sooo much courage for me to leave - but one last argument jolted me towards that decision. And I finally was able to walk away.
I have found alot of their anger comes from p@rn or affairs 😢
You women are crazy 😅
Sadly there are some adults that are men who never learned how to not use his fists and yell at women and children when he gets tired, frustrated, or exhausted. Not to say they can't be in a relationship. And also women can get into the mind set of he is not all bad only when he gets mad or yells at me during arguments. I get abuse can from women as well. Abuse is abuse.
@@abbyxiong3931 🤣🤡
You got this first caller! You have been abused and you deserve much better! He is controlling and intimidating you! Leave! It will be hard and down the road you will find someone who will cherish you!
Yesssss on graduations. The only one that matters is high school and college. I agree with you. Its RIDICULOUS
Totally agree on the graduation/promotion ceremonies. My daughter had a graduation for kindergarten, and I commented in one of my mom groups that I thought they were so unnecessary. You would've thought I had said I didn't love my kid. Several people came for my throat, asking why in the world I would say my kid doesn't deserve to be celebrated. You can celebrate your kids accomplishments without having a huge ceremony for every little milestone.
It is difficult to see the littles move into the next stage for a lot of parents. They are happy for them, but the reality of it hits hard. Sometimes the graduations are about more than the graduations--wishing they could stay small, cute, fun and possibly unaffected by this world?
People need to stop being so offended for other people. I love the banter between John & Kelly.
Exactly! If Kelly couldn’t handle it or didn’t enjoy it, it would stop.
i can totally sympathize with the first caller. being in a relationship with someone who has anger issues is both traumatizing and heartbreaking. it's traumatizing because you'll forever remember the outbursts and the things they say to you while they're angry, even going so far as to believe what they're saying.
but it's also incredibly heartbreaking loving someone through their anger issues when they don't want to get help for themselves. and that's when you have to walk away, and even that can be hard despite knowing that deep down it's the right thing to do.
It’s frustrating bc it’s so fixable too. I’m autistic and had a lot of anger from over stimulation. I went and got help started meditation and do yoga 4 times a week and I’m a new person. Now my kids do yoga also and we all work on frustration or anger together. Just go help help there is so much help and things to do
My husband just confessed to me that he’s been struggling with rage. But he’s been trying to handle it on his own. While I’ve sensed that something has been off lately, I never saw the rage. Just a sense of distance. Saying this to say he’s NEVER yelled at me… or thrown anything at me. He will step away if he needs to. He’ll take a minute to himself. He would / will never put me in danger bc of HIS feelings. It’s not the anger. It’s the man.
For context: my husband is a police officer. The rage, we think, is a symptom of his career. He was finally able to voice that he’s struggling with it so we’re getting him help. ❤️
To the comment assuming he takes it out at work: He usually channels it into a good workout. My husband became an officer to build community relations and to serve justice. Not to take his anger out on people. He has never once received a community complaint for his behavior. But has in fact been awarded for things like talking someone out of suicide. And arresting gang bangers within hours of brutally attacking a young woman. Even the men he's arrested have later talked highly of him. He is a God fearing man + I have full confidence he has never abused his power.
That’s a good man, please thank your husband for me and his service to this community! I genuinely hope he’s able to get the help he needs and can find peace. 💙
I am happy he is getting help. Tell him
I am glad he is getting help. Tell him ty for what he does. I appreciate him putting himself on the line for us
There isn't a single cop in this country that doesn't actively cover for other officers engaged in despicable things. It's something they don't even try to hide. They are supposed to be proud of it. They call it, "The Thin Blue Line" and it means cops versus everyone else. A cop who covers for cops that play evidence, rapist cops, bad shooter cops, cops that break their oath to the Constitution at every turn are considered "good cops" and "team players." Cops that blow the whistle are ostracized and quickly find themselves no longer police. It's the culture of policing. If your husband is a good man and he sounds like he is than it might just be that playing along with that culture is what is f'ing him up. Some of the bravest, best, most moral men I've ever heard speak are ex cops who are trying to change that system for the better. Whistleblowers so to speak. This country needs a massive overhaul on police culture and it's going to have to come from the bottom up because the powers that be are only making it worse. Qualified immunity, terrible terrible cops keeping their jobs and getting a day of probation after killing innocent people... The Supreme Court has literally decided that police are under no obligation at all to actually police. Someone could be getting stabbed right next to them and they can just look on. No exaggeration as that's the actual case the Supreme Court examined to make the ruling that police don't have to protect or serve or police in any way. I know that belonging to such a organization would mess me up.
he's brave. good for you for being a safe place for him. says alot about you as well .
Blessings
He is not "a gaslighting child." He is a NARCISSIST and will never change. Therapy will be a charade to get back in the house and start the cycle all over again.
The best saying I heard, "the bark before they bite." Facts.
I LOVE the interactions between John and Kelly! So much fun!!!😂
Agreed lol, Kelly is soooo valuable to the show 😅
They should do a therapy rap battle together.
Caller #1
Trapped in the trauma of her past unfortunately....which ultimately caused her to find that unfinished business with her father with a husband.
When they split she needs to focus on herself she needs to leave him for good she is so stuck in her trauma that she doesn't she how absolutely abnormal her situation is it isn't something she needs to stay in.
This is why I am such a supporter of women not starting families with men until they can confidentiality say if things go south I can support my family if needed.
I know D's suggestion to caller #2 to "take the kids and go get ice cream" was meant to be constructive. But if that sort of thing becomes a habit, the kids may learn to console themselves with food, especially sweets, which will come back to bite them later in life. Take it from someone who eats their feelings. Take the kids for a walk instead.
36:21 to be fair he said “we are going to get some ice cream OR go for a walk” so he gave options and she’s not ALWAYS flying off the handle so it’s not like they are having ice cream every time. I think his suggestion was very fair but I also see your point if it becomes a habit!
Not everyone is fat! He also works out daily and his kids are probably outside more than most…
Agree! Especially in USA
Agreed.
I agree 100%. Let’s not always sooth feelings with food
Growing up, in my school district we had NO graduation or promotion ceremonies other than annual award assemblies for attendance, citizenship, grades, etc. When I moved (as an adult) I was surprised that in other communities these multiple graduation ceremonies were the norm. I found it really odd. 8th grade graduation was important when that was the last grade many people completed, but that’s no longer the norm. All these ceremonies get redundant, and just create an expectation for gifts. When you’re buying gifts or giving cash to 10-15 graduates every year, including 8th grader, it becomes burdensome.
Started therapy for the anger outbursts and rages of breaking things and giving my family anxiety and nightmares and it’s getting better but still deeply challenging. 😞
you're doing brave work, good job!!
I know it must feel super uncomfortable some times but one day in a few years you will look back on you now and be SO GLAD you got help and be so proud of yourself for how far you've come.
Blessings!! ✨️
Good for you! Acknowledging that in yourself and seeking help you should feel so proud! Keep up the hard work for your family as well as yourself. You are strong and important.
Your marriage advice and language modeling helps my mother/recovering addict son/business partner’s relationship. Thank you so much!
I love the back and forth with John and Kelly!😊
On the graduation thing. I think when you graduate and leave the school you are in to go to the next school is a good rule of thumb to make a ceremony.
The guy with the daughter who got divorced, what John says about treating women wonderful in front of her, and writing messages to her, SO IMPORTANT! As an old lady now, who neededto see that and didn't, I can attest, its really important to have a great dad and compare every one to him. Then We'd see up front what losers they really are before we mess up, and get involved
Wow! There is so much hurt exposed on this Doctor John. My heart breaks! Yet, you give excellent advice! Thank you ❤
I'm 67 and we all had one graduation ceremony. When we completed high school. Isn't that the whole point? Where you finish Kindergarten - Grade 12 and get a diploma?
As a child my mom's 2nd husband did the same thing. It was terrifying and confusing. He would rage and break things and humiliate me in the worst way, then the next day warm and generous. When he first moved in with us, he tore apart my brother's bedroom, tipping over the dresser and other furniture, throwing the mattresses of the bed, and screaming. My brother was about 16 and left home to go to another state to live with our grandma. Eventually this turned into physical abuse for both myself and my mother until they divorced.
you didn't deserve that, I hope you know that. 💞
Our end of school year tradition is to either make sundaes or root beer floats, so I’m completely on board with ice cream over sitting outside in the heat! LOL!
The only thing that makes me lash out in anger is the Pizza Hut website. How hard is it to build a website I can reliably order a pizza from? I almost smashed my computer screen the other night. My wife has never even remotely had the ability to make me that mad.
You're one of the good ones 😅
Switch to Dominoes. Much better ordering experience.
I feel so seen from this comment 😂
😂
Wipe your browser cache like you wipe your butt, and you'll be fine.
Ending a toxic abusive marriage of 11 years was one of the hardest and best decision I ever made…Sending you virtual hugs lady. Praying God protects you and your family, heals your marriage with a miracle, or gives you the strength to move forward with a newer safer life.
Totally relate to the 3rd caller. We moved away from my husband's family going on 6 months ago and it has been exactly what i had been hoping for. My husband has been stepping up and into his own, and it really feels like what our married life should have been 2 years ago. It hasn't been an easy transition but it's been really great for us and i hope for that for the caller as well
Can I just say that I enjoy hearing the fun silly jokes with Kelly? Keep them coming! People don’t understand humor!
Nooo! I love your joking banter! Don’t stop!
I listen to all these relationship stories on this show and I have have every little bit of these problems in my own. Makes me wonder if it’s worth being in one at all.
The 2nd caller - you are a good dad. Protect your kids from her. It could get worse and she could add physical abuse because rage can do that. No excuse for her to act like that towards kids. Dr. John is right have other adults and things the kids can get affirmation from and showing them not all people are like this and it isn't their fault. My dad was working so much he didn't know how bad my mother was. Now he knows and is so suprised how evil she was because he thought she only did it to him. If you protect your kids they will continue to have a relationship with you and if she doesn't change she will be one those mothers when she is older that wonders why don't my kids talk to me? She can control herself. My mom would be the quietest most fake person at church and with others and still is to this day.
If I were told I’m the reason why someone breaks things or has anger management difficulties why would I stay???? To be blamed for someone else’s behavior for the rest of my life….and you want intimacy from me???? Im praying for you sister❤❤
You are so right about the awards and graduation ceremonies.
We knew we were promoted up to the next grade when we got our final report cards at the end of the school year. Mom and Dad took us out to dinner to celebrate. All done. Summer vacation now. Lather, rinse, repeat. it was just a normal progression, no big drama. Life was so simple!!
Love the T-shirt Dr 😊. Something that my mother used to say. 😊
I completely agree - TOO many graduations (moving forward ceremonies). Celebrate as a family - your own way.
😃
My mother still uses angry yelling, spews venom and vitriolic speech and hysterical behavior to control, and manipulate. It is so traumatic. I spiral for days after she unleases on me. I am so tired. I cry for days... I spiral for days ... and I am over 30 years old.
Leave need some time away so you can get your thoughts together and realize you don’t have to be stepping around worrying about what’s gonna set him off you need to be aware that your children are in the front row watching this going down be strong. I was in a relationship like that for 24 years ! I finally realized when my son that was out of the house asked me why I put up with that behavior and his drinking had a lot to do with it! I had finally had enough and left him a note saying my lawyer I’ll talk to your lawyer we’re done and it was the best decision I had made! but it took my grown son to make me realize I didn’t have to put up with that behavior anymore
Im living this womans nightmare as we speak.... I finally put my foot doen to protect my kids... I kicked my husband out too.
And everything this woman is talking about is my husband to a tee....
What the hell is wrong with some guys?!
My kids school does an opening and closing ceremony. It's really beautiful.
OMG. Thank you.
1. "No no nooooo. As a survivor and sp
Someone with >insert mental health issue< you put yourself in the perpetrator role....
2. One angry outlast and refusal to get help is not acceptable
Heavy and feeling relief.
I love the rapport y'all have. 🤗
It’s very sad when you just know you’ve made a better choice than what you grow up with. I did the same thing so don’t feel like you’re alone.
I think in lieu of promotion ceremonies we had a class party which i think kids would like more
Same only class parties. although they do 5th grade graduation here but it is pretty informal.
5th grade graduation makes sense if middle school starts in the 6th grade there. I don't mind developmental ceremonies to mark milestones.
Omg i love his "hot takes" hes So funny!!
Hahahaha the end of this podcast about Kelly and John’s relationship is hilarious.
Wow, how she has tolerated her husband for 10 yrs is beyond me. I hope she stands firm and gets help for all the emotional trauma she has been through off her father & husband.
The second caller does not always have the choice. The situation just explodes sometimes.
I think some of us just don’t like having a family to take care of. And we realize it after we are far in it.
I completely agree about this silly graduation issue.
There’s way too much for parents to try and keep up with and so much of it is not necessary in my opinion. You have to have some down time at home to get refreshed, and when it’s constant running and activities, you get depleted.
It’s always too hot and expensive 😂
Completely agree about too many ceremonies!!!
The day I graduated high school, I showed up at school early, picked up my diploma, and moved across the country. I never regretted missing my graduating ceremony or party. I had zero interest being involved in that.😂
Almost bummed I missed this premier.
Was playing Candy Land with my younger kids.
Gotta be honest, that was more fun. 🤩
Now, I’m hiding terrified in the bathroom from trying to learn Pokémon with my 10 y/o.
I remember trying to learn this years ago with our oldest. I’m too ADHD for that game. I can’t keep track of so many details.
Candy Land is my jam. It’s more my speed.
This poor girl. She is being abused. The fact that he blames her for his tantrums is textbook abuse.
Amazing that she was able to kick him out and shocking that he has actually left.
Folks like this are notorious for steamrolling boundaries.
Right?
You don’t know anything. You are getting 10 min of a one sided story
I got to go to my nephew’s pre-K advancement this week and I will never go to another graduation because none of them will ever top getting to watch these 5 year olds Tootie Ta and other songs and dance on stage for 30 minutes. Everyone loved it! I also suspect it was a way for the administrators to get the adults’ attention to remind us to make sure to keep building their skills over the summer.
I’m commenting, though I never do. My husband and I were just talking about this last week with our daughters fifth grade graduation. We 100% agree with both of you.!!! it’s more about the parents and it takes away from the child high school graduation
I am so thankful here in London the only graduation we do is in university. No one wears a gown for other school milestones.
We only have graduation from university/college where I live. Yes, we have award ceremonies each school year but graduation from university is the one time that you wear a gown & hat. I think the elementary/primary, high school etc graduations in the US is excessive.
Yessss, too many graduations! I only had 2 - one from HS and one from college.
The respect I have is beyond measure for these people coming onto the show and being openly honest with their stories.
Her husband’s sounds a lot like my ex husband. Mine did get physical as well though. We separated a couple of times and both times he seemed to be changing and getting better and getting help but it was all show to get me back. He always went back to the same behavior. I did everything I could. I even offered to go with him for help if it made him more comfortable to go. Nothing mattered to him. What made it really bad is he is also an alcoholic so the rage got even worse when he drank way too much. I finally walked away for good years ago. Living in peace now. He also use to accuse me of not caring about him even after all the things I did to help him and put up with. It’s just a manipulation tactic. I always hope the best for people and their relationships. I hope he can change and they can be happy but she needs to make this separation long and he needs to prove he’s getting help. That kind of behavior will not change quickly. It’s not your fault doll. Do not spend to long waiting for him to change. I was with my ex for about the same amount of time. I came to the conclusion that if he was going to change he would have long ago. We’ve been apart for years and he’s still the same now as he’s always been. The problem was we wait for who they were when we were dating and eventually realize that was the show and this is actually who they are and that’s why it’s not changing.
The line if he was having a conversation where he needs to take accountability he bails. but about your problems he wouldnt disoate. That hit. My ex would do that all the time
Totally agree with you, John, it's ridiculous.He definitely needs some help and the family.Probably can use scoop therapy too
Both my sons wanted to skip college graduation especially at a large state school. I kinda made my oldest because my mom was still alive and she loved him so much. Ended up we all pretty much overheated since it wasn’t air conditioned in June. Mom was gone when the youngest graduated and he was happy when he didn’t have to walk. We did 18th birthday parties and took them out to a nice dinner for their graduation. Ask your kids what they want.
hey guys, if you have kids go trying fishing. i do this every yr and my daughter was not intrested till this year. but every yr i would keep doing it. and i have an autistic 7 yr old. another thing is with me having girls, they are creative. my 9 yr old is started crocheting. I'm learning with her, but she wanted to make plushie for her step father. just spreading some of y'all parents if you wanna do something with the kids, cuz we get so caught up with life.
I LOVE that shirt!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂
Do you have a link to that? Is that a Ramsey shirt? ❤
@@findingaway5512Yes it’s a Ramsey shirt. I believe there’s probably a link in the description!
Great episode!
Do not return to the angry husband. He will not change.
lol the husbands probably angry because he’s sick of his wife’s constant bitching.
“He will not change”? Maybe, but it’s not 100%. Ever. Some guys may see reality and grow up if they realize how bad it is. I’d argue most would.
Where’s that energy for the second caller? Do you feel the same way about the anxiety ridden wife who is abusing her husband and children? Or do you only go after men
Don’t take pity on the overwhelmed mother. She’s not tough enough, just discard her
@@Lucky-ll2cv
Well, he don’t have to hear it much longer!
I grew up in this exact dynamic (2nd caller) and as an adult I hate passive men who are conflict avoidant cowards. I have an aversion to them that i realize is completely trauma based.
Dr. Delony, I'm not sure if you will see this, but can you please do an episode on the effects on kids from all the anger in the house
My ex did the same exact thing. Break things, punch holes in the wall,cabinets, etc. He would say i do it so i dont hit you. I told him yeah because it would be your last. I left him 6 years ago. Best thing i ever did
Third caller. MOVE!!! My story: I decided to move to another city in my early 30's for job and career opportunities. I was still living at home with my mom and still single after various relationships did not work out and after many attempts to find steady work failed me. I wasn't happy, but just dealing with all of this. Moving away had been on my mind for some time, but I didn't have a clear view of where that would be. When I figured it out, I worked a variety of part time jobs, saved my money and then told my mom I was leaving. The day before I left, she gave me 2 wire coat hangers and a roll of toilet paper. She didn't speak to me for months. Eventually, she got over her attitude, came to visit and enjoyed herself to no end. You are not responsible for your parents' feelings about where you live, especially as a woman with a family of your own. If your parents want to be in your life, they will find a way to do it. 4 hours away is nothing.
This call could have been about me and my ex husband minus the kids. I got out and it was so hard and the best decision I ever made.
My stepson (21) also has these emotional outbursts from time to time
I agree that there are too many award ceremonies/graduations. Prek, kindergarten, elementary, middle school... By the time you get to HS and college, it doesn't mean as much.
Growing up in the UK, we didn't have these grad ceremonies. The only time we had a ceremony is when (if) we actually graduated University!
So sad that I ddnt hear this before my husband returned. So hard to leave now.
I always envision Kelly flipping John off when he gives her grief 😂😂😂
Oh she does. John has already said that Kelly flips him off quite often behind the camera! 🤣
Great advice!! Total manipulation! Gaslighting 101. So hard to see when in the middle of it. Stay strong.
I grew up in an environment with this behavior and once it’s normalize you emulate it.
You become someone who is not worthy, who starts seeing the world in a compromised view.. you let someone turn you into something you are not. A victim and an abuser.
You are right! It will take a long time for him to get to the root of his issues.
Totally agree - too many awards for too little in the milestones department! Maybe Grade 8 graduation to Highschool? Yes! Highschool Grad - should be the big celebration!
He's willing to sacrifice his children by keeping them in a relationship with the abusive mother for the sake of the marriage. He needs to leave with the children.
Please don’t be judgemental … Advice is easy but action and decision are tough .
@@anneeddrief6055I don't know any strong people who say stuff like what you're saying. It doesn't matter if it's tough or not. You give up the luxury of being weak once you have kids.
@@RepentImmediately❤
Someone who's violent and abusive and always apologizes afterward is in a cycle of behavior, a routine.They know what they're doing is wrong and that they're going to be sorry afterwards. It's in the works, the plan so to speak. They're lookng forward to the sorry part too and the make up sex afterwards is a big thing for them. I was in an abusive marriage, I know the routine. Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did for myself and my famiy...I was his 4th wife btw, the abuse didn't start till we lived together, them BOOM, IT WOULDN'T STOP.