Thanks for a brilliant vlog, personally I think the problem can be our families we left in Africa( the inlaws from both sides) For most of us who come abroad,before you leave Africa, family will tell you something like "you know how our family is, please when you reach there abroad,don`t forget your sisters and brothers' education" so you reach abroad, you still do not even know how to make money, there are already calls regarding school fees. I think this is a big,big issue.
You've said it all my dear. Life abroad is hard, different from what is obtainable here at home. If you're not willing to make sacrifices and compromise, then your relationship is likely go south. Well done for the good job you are doing.
Your thoughts are all valid Tochi. I have told myself that I will not pick an extra shift on a Sunday unless it is very very necessary. We need to be intentional about family time. It can never be overemphasised
Great points. I think home keeping and finance are the two most challenging aspects of living abroad as a family with especially young children. The way I see it, every serious couple need to sit down and have a discussion regarding how they wish to run their home abroad. I believe one spouse should lead the home front while the other spouse lead the bread winning. Then both should help out in both aspects (home and income). The person leading the home front knows that the home is their priority and the person leading the bread winning knows that making enough money for the family is their priority. For this to work though, there should be no "my money"/ selfishness and both need to be genuinely interested in working as a team. Also, trying to make all the money in the world is a family killer. Money is not everything. Your home, sanity and peace of mind cannot be equated to money.
1. Abusive spouses/Freedom/Protection of women right -- Yes, this becomes an absolutely eye opener for an abusive spouse, realizing that it is no longer business as usual especially the way it was back home. I am more of an advocate of everybody's right has to be protected - Men, women and children. Even though the emphasis of your video is on women and children being the vulnerable ones which is ok there are also instances of men being abuse verbally, emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically too. There are instances of women even killing their husbands/partners hence the need to protect everyone in a marriage. With respect to freedom, the truth remains that many marry today for lots of different reasons except the right ones that is why it sometimes feels like a bondage which they want to be free from eventually. This ought not to be. Also, there are many marriages that ought not to have happened in the first but when the parties involved ignore the warning signs because of temporary emotional attachments and infatuation, they ignore the red flags only to begin to feel trapped once the emotional fog begins to clear off. I personally believe its more about individuals than environment. If marriages are rooted in godly principles and both parties individually submit to those principles regardless of how they feel, then the marriage will thrive and survive every adversity even if it is not perfect. Please be it a woman or a man, you have absolutely no business being married if you are not ready to sacrifice, be patient, endure and kill your ego/pride. 2. Chores In my opinion, i think there is absolutely nothing wrong in how house chores are being handled in African likewise the way it is being handled in Europe. What is wrong is when you have a working wife and you still expect her to come home and take care of all the house chores and also take care of the kids. The moment you both decides that your wife or partner should work, you have by implications put yourself up to share the chores with her. A man must support and compliment his spouse on all front including house chores especially if she works too. If you don't want to support your spouse in the area of chores, then be ready to absolve her from all form of paid employment or work. You must be ready and willing to be the only one providing for the family, and you must never nag her or complain about it. You must also be ready to meet all her needs. This was the way it was back home during the times of our parents. Decision such as these must be mutually agreed to by both parties right even before the marriage or in the marriage and must not be forced on the other. 3. Money This is a very important subject . Whatever work for both parties is what should be adopted. The most important thing is this, money decisions must be mutually agreed on by both parties. They must also be comfortable with their decision. They must be sincere, open and true to each other in this regards otherwise it won't work. What works for "Family A" might not work in "Family B". There must be constant and periodic reviews of their money issues to accommodate their new and current realities. 4. No pressure to stay married The truth in my opinion is this, there is nothing right or wrong about being married or staying single. That a society doesn't pressure one to remain married especially in an difficult or challenging marriage or partnership doesn't mean they are absolutely right likewise a society that preaches endurance in the face of marital challenges are not also wrong. What matter most is the individual involved and the nature of the challenge. Like i said earlier, there are marriages that shouldn't have been in the first place hence their many problems. Once the foundation be destroyed, there is absolutely nothing much that can be done building upward. How marriage or partnership are initiated or born can say alot about its longevity and survival. The principles that govern such union is also key ingredient which cannot be ignored. Marriage is one the best project of God in this earthly realm and is wired to last when roles respected, principles are imbibed, love is truly understood, character is constantly being improved upon and sacrifice is sincerely being embraced. It is not about the UK, Nigeria or anywhere else. It is more about the individuals. Thank you.
@Ismaila God bless you for your take on this. Everybody’s right must be protected; women’s, men’, and children. No room for abuse whether from men or women. No lazy partner. But some women abuse their rights and freedom when they get abroad, taking advantage of the gynocentric society abroad…….there are too many Nigerian single moms in the uk 🇬🇧 currently and when you look at it ….it’s a sorry situation.
1.) You said a lot but your last line ruined everything. Yes, it is about Nigeria, UK, US, Canada, Europe, Australia, etc. Location matters! Let's do a thought experiment. Imagine if the laws in Nigeria today changed to become like the one in UK and the laws of UK switched to Nigeria's, what do you think will happen to each country's marriage stats? Ah ha! So you see, it's about the system of government and the laws in those places! (Contd...)
Our African Men, want always to be on top of the Women, they want everything on the table, and they restrict Women etc, unless both Women and Men start saying everybody is important in life, not ton dominate one another, and above all we are not open ,every earning must be declared and you plan together but most Men do not want that, we need to support every activities Men please start learn cooking, washing etc
This is very pedestrian. It didn't touch the core of the issues. Marriage is between two people, so consigning the whole problems to the man or even to the woman doesnt show a good grasp of the situation. The cultural issues affect both in equal measures.
Some of Nigeria men are chronic lazy they want to maintain African mentality that women will work , do house chores, and still feed them , wash their clothes as usual in Nigeria How can it work May God deliver Some of them that are lazy
Thanks Tochi, I hope men will watch and listen to your piece, you've said it all. Nigeria men are something else, the mentality of am the head caused a lot of problems. If any man needs to follow her wife abroad, he should undergo training about what would be expected of him to do when he get there. Thank God women's interest is priorities abroad.
Here we go. It's always men and 'Nigerian men' that are the issues. Hardly ever the ladies. Well, you guys look across the pond to America let's see how far with the marriages there amongst Native Black Americans
whilst I agree the men share an arguably major blame in the subject matter, exonerating the woman from blame n heaping all the blame on the men is never an objective analysis.mayb cos men hardly speak up but tbh, women to v enough blame to share
there are women who by opportunity come abroad with their hubby n suddenly feel its unlimited freedom cos they think the laws favor them n it eventually leads to divorce but NO, Ladies aren't ready to be objective or share any blamee.uts always the man's fault
Nothing, I repeat, Nothing will ever make me to be an international student to start with. I can't depend on my wife to be paying school fees for me while I depend on her. I'll rather her go to school while I maintain the status of been a provider. Madam can have lots of money due to her high paying job, it's a plus and achievement for me. But you see that her money? I prefer my own small money. It's not a competition but a lifelong commitment. Why will a man depends on his wife's money in the first place.? Its not a matter of pride, it's my honest opinion
As a man living abroad refrain from marriage at all cost if u can, there is a 90% chance of a man ending up living in a room and at the same time paying for your ex-wife and her new boyfriend bills in your old house and don’t forget child support, do your home really good and have a plan B at all times as a man.
Is all about understanding. African men commodify marriage alot. So in abroad, this can't happen. We should try and work with each other. Pride should not come in
My sister that one-sided house chores discrepancy has wrecked countless of Nigerian homes in the UK. A white man would never ever leave all the chores for his wife even if the works doesn't go to work. This culture inculcated or inherent in our men is simply "evil" and unacceptable. A woman who is home does more much work than anyone on a 9-5 work. Our Nigerian men should please and please learn how to lift a broomstick in the house, help with doing dishes even if you can't cook. Help clean the toilets, hover the house. It's also mean bewitching your wife because she earns more than you do. I recently settled such case with an brother against the wife in my workplace. Funny enough he's the dependent on a full-time job but he still wants the wife who's a student to account to him whatever she does with her money. It's terrible!
You see this idea that a woman can work full time and still carry all the house chores can send a lot of women to an early grave. It's simply not practical nor is it sustainable.
I agree. if you truly love someone you wouldn't sit there n watch her do all the house work.Some men dont even help with their children homework self. The woman will do everything n still work full time night shifts.Pure slavery.
If you married a man for love, you wouldn't divorce him for household chores. I mean, how much housework is there to do really? So, if you divorce the man, the house chores will disappear? Truth is, Nigerian women marry for what they can get and divorce for what they can get and they get a lot abroad
@@obiflex the mindset "how much work is there really...." is not healthy for a peaceful marriage just like" how much do you even make...." is also not healthy. It trivialises the hard work of your partner. Just dialogue with an open mind and find the best way to run your home as a team.
Easier said than done. If the woman happens to earn more as the work visa holder, it’ll be tough keeping egos in check. And am not just referring to the man’s ego.
Opposite shifts has it’s advantages & disadvantages,may🙏🏽God continue to guide us and we spend “most our times at work”😞if you know you know,good👍point Tochi.
Great points sis. Another thing: women want security. If ever a woman gets her feet in a well paying job, and she has been in an abusive marriage, she will 🏃♀️,
Marriages also breakup in Africa but it favors men and therefore you don't hear of it. Men mess up in Africa and get away with it because of lack of human rights
its because the men still think here is Africa. Abroad women also work so as women we r not able to serve them breakfast, lunch dinner n night time choppings n still dont have any support at home even with the kids.Some men think it's not their job to change their child diapers.Sorry here our eyes hv opened n we r not doormats like back home. Some men wait till their wifeys comes home from work before eating even if there is food in the fridge n they got home hours before. African women r trained for marriage since childhood. No one is training the men.What do we expect it will happen? Even if the woman kills herself he'll see it as normal. is not his duty to clean after himself.Our eyes hv opened o.Thanks 2 education
@@childrentoys4537 if the man treats the woman with care and respect I stead of letting her overworkherself then it's fine. But most african men are not trained for that. Even their insults to their wife is too much in abroad. In abroad they cheat so much and prefer the white man's way but expect their wife to be slave for them.
The western world dose NOT accept the cultural norms of an eastern or traditional relationships. The west is predicated on equality. Eastern (Asia,Africa,MiddleEast) traditions are usually patriarchal in custom. There lies the conflict with the western philosophies of marriage and family. Many immigrant families struggle with the "Do we abandon our traditional culture to fit in with the modern Jones and Smiths or stay a backward savage?" I'm first genaration to imagrant parents. Been educated on the role of a husband based on the traditions my father and uncles were also taught in there youth back "home" . Being raised between east and west philosophy has shown me a few perspectives to where the break downs occur. In the western world,the basics for survival are met and people dont nessisaraly have to work together,thats the begining of the end of any union. The option of independence will always out weigh loyalty. The main issue is the "eyes opened" is I dont need you Easyern man if I have social and economic support from wester gov services. Such options are not prevalent in most eastern countries so commitments are thought out deliberate and long lasting. So it's no surprise when presented with the opportunity for independence,most jump for it. Hope that kind of made sens,if not I'd love to explain more ✌🏾
@@sidspliceVery well explained. You can see that she hasn’t responded, because you spit the facts. The so called ‘Open Eyes’ is the reason why there are so many single moms around …(I’m uk based) ….I run when I meet them. A man has to assist in daily chores, they must co-operate financially, mentally, spiritually…and know that the west is not like Africa..many men are okay with this. The men who don’t get the code always fail in marriage in the west. Bad Women misuse the liberties they have here in the west, what’s needed is a balance…..but they don’t forget that balance when they move to the west and suddenly discover all those selfish liberties.
I believe Tochi should have stated in the beginning that she’s talking within the context of “two married people in love” not two roommates or living partners. Cos the comments on this section ehhhn, it’s something else. It doesn’t always have to be one against another. This is just a conversation that will help two lovers mitigate the new life abroad. Thank you Tochi
Living in abroad is very challenging and both couples should learn to accommodate each other because the wife has no help and know that they need to live the life together and keep the home too.
From the analysis, it’s sounds like it men that are the cause of the problem. I have seen marriages break up because the won’t do what the man said, an example, a wife’s car breaks down and needs a new car, now she wants to drive and evougue, husband says no, we can’t afford it, he comes back from work and an evouque is parked on the drive. Monthly cost higher than their mortgage, this is just one story. Others have been sleeping around while their husbands are at work. Men and women have their faults, this analysis is one sided.
Hi I just had to pause the video first and just leave my comment. One thing about Nigerian marriage is that there is lack of communication. Alot of Nigerian men and I'm using Nigeria because that's where I'm at but the communication level is zero. They always demand respect without earning it. They feel and always want to be superior over the woman making it feel like she has no right or say of her own. Relocating to a new country is hard. Most men being the cheat that they are and being the fact that they don't know how to communicate find it hard being with their partner for a period of time. They feel choked. The woman on the other hand seeing how things work there is ready to spread her clipped wings. So there's conflict in everything. I'm just saying tho. Would have added more but..
Interesting video with some valid point. However, it is taken from a females perspective where the man is the problem in pretty much every point she stated. Abusive men, Men not helping with chores, Men uncomfortable with a spouse with higher income. Any Man who has been married more than a week would understand the dynamics involved and that partnership does not mean partnership for men and women. we speak different languages. Anyway, we have heard the women side, It would be nice to get the male perspective on why they think these problems escalate.
Everyone gets what they deserve! Must you 'japa' because your neighbours in Nigeria have 'japa? Nigerians in Nigeria do not want to listen to anyone telling them about the realities of the hardships of living abroad. Pound Sterling and Dollars are more important than any racism, unemployment, cost of living crisis abroad. Good luck to those who heard but did not listen, and who are now facing it.
If theres a true love between the couples then there won't be any problem. A Nigerian man can sacrifice anything for his woman and likewise. Imitating another mans culture is not our priority if the women understands this.
Then don’t expect the women to go to work. Let her stay at home. You can’t add more work to one person’s plate. That is just evil and you are being lazy. Just as the women’s role has changed by moving abroad so should your role change too.
It’s seems some marriages have wrong foundation. The African culture has e then helped matters. Once some women move abroad , and sees that they have been in bondage , they tend to want to break loose.. Foundation matters a lot . There are still good marriages doing well abroad as well. .. most men aren’t having it in the comment section.. The same thing she’s talking about . Lol
Well done, dear sis. U have done well. I also think that underlying issues before couples leave Africa can also be attributed to this. Take for instance, a situation where there was no mutual agreement for a couple to leave, and then the other later come around much later, that could also bring about issues like this
Your video is subtly against men. What of women that obviuosly will not submit to there husbands beyond the things you mentioned like cheating and lifestyles not in tandem with the man. How do such men cope cos thats also another thing that can cause a strife..
@@TochiEsther no doubt Some African men can feel entitled but It seem most women seem to misbehave when they get here and play the victim card too because the society favours women. Honestly man is different from a woman and it is also safe to say a woman is totally different from a man. Many broken homes because due to misplacement of priorities.
It's because of the way foreign culture is. They have this gender equality thing and if you want to be equal then live your separate ways. A wife is a wife and a husband is a husband. American culture is designed for a person to be individualistic- me me me, my my my. The concept of "we" and "us" in America is not the same at is it in Africa. If African women have to spend so much time cooking those difficult but delicious African meals, go out to regular job, come back to do the dishes, then let's sit down and talk about equality. No, the typical African man only ate his mother's food but never paid attention to learn how to cook or simply does not want to do it.
Tochi, it's not that men cannot deal with their wives earning more than them. Most of our women treat their husbands like house boys once they begin to make more money than their husbands. That does terrible damage to the man's self esteem. As you already know, men in Igbo culture are fostered to take care of their family. They are happy they have the resources to provide for their family. Women, no matter how much they earn think they are suffering if they have to assume that responsibility. Her money is not for the family upkeep!
On the finance issue, is it like all men just get salty when their wives earn more or are there also women that behave badly and in a controlling manner when they earn more? Worth exploring. On divorce society may not care or pile pressure on women who live marriages but that doesn’t take away some of the stress and even loneliness that comes with living alone. No one should stay in an abusive marriage but leaving for frivolous reasons or to enjoy “freedom” has its downsides at some point.
My thought exactly. Because most of the points were against men. I would like to hear more of these issues the the other way round. I believe there are lots of issues that could come up when some women learn more about the rights they have
A man as the head of the family too should play smart on how to make more money. e.g switching career to I.T before relocating, courses like Project Management ; Scrum Master, Software Testing, Business Analysis are high paying jobs in the UK. I am a man, but the truth is that we need to UP our games to remain head of the family. Do you know as an IT Solutions Architect/Cloud Computing Architect, you can earn an average of 80k pounds and as high as 130k pounds ? So if your wife is a health carer or a Nurse, you can earn 5 times her salary.(Strictly for men who feels their wives tend to control them because they earn higher). Step up your game now I beg, go through the sacrifice to develop yourself. IT is cool, there are lots of management courses in I.T that doesn't require coding. When a man earns more, it brings respect and gives the woman some level of security and she would want to stay PUT. Managing a woman and even the family requires thinking out of the box and acting smart. It's not easy to earn the respect of a girlfriend, talkless of a woman in a civilized society. That's why if you are thinking of living abroad, you need to know it's a different ball game entirely. Above all, men too need to help their wives so she doesn't get old due to stress and women should respect their husbands as it's our African culture and most religions teach that as well.
Hi @Benny man, I really appreciate your comment. Please I would like to know more about these IT courses for my husband. Please how can I link you both?
It has nothing to do with African men leaving the chores to women or having insecurities. It is more about African women embracing radical feminism. Marriage is not partnership; it is responsibility. You play your role and I play mine.
Lack of proper communication is a major cause of separation, others includes; lack of kind word, support and care. Most men find it difficult to accept it when their wife is making money than them and that’s where problem starts from Husband and wife value money than love, some couples haven’t kissed or go on date since they arrive in the uk. There’s timetable on when the have intimacy, some don’t see each other in days.
very well said ,true and ashame that men are stuck in this silly manhood its from churches that is pushed the bible teaches to respect each other with the man as head if he loves his wife as himself so why would they want to treat the wife badly do they want to be hurt like they hurt the wife ? this is what the lord said so why do men not see this (its also bad that women treat men badly and this is not correct )its more important couples learn to love each other and work together and stop all this him and her role bullshit and be happy in each other
African American women have had to take of the children and work while taking care of the husband needs. My mother and my grandmother was the same way, so I became that way and it seems normal.
This is an interesting subject matter and all the 5 points you listed are valid, but I think there are more reasons why marriages break abroad. You mentioned Women Rights Protection and there should be also Women Rights Privileges. Though I do not know the process, I often heard that when a woman bears a child out of wedlock, the Govt pays certain benefits to the woman thus creating an incentive for women to become feminist and independent. As much as we criticize African Marriage Laws, the Marriage Laws abroad should be criticized too because there is no balance and it's tilted towards creating a dysfunctional family system where both parents are at loggerheads. I have heard about women abroad who plot their way into divorce so as to claim the properties of the husband all because there is a system that permits women to have unlimited liberty. In my opinion. based on the aforementioned, African Marriage Law is still preferable because in Nigeria, we can boast of a better functional family system in spite of male hegemony. You mentioned that some men cannot come to terms with their wives having upper financial advantage. In this regard, i think some men can stomach it, the real issue is when a woman has more financial power, she makes it apparent and starts to disrespect the man and begins to turn the children against her husband. In terms of non-financial gender roles, some men often feel that chores, kitchen activities only belong to women and that cannot hold abroad, and this is obviously a hotbed for marital problems. I believe there should not be any pre-defined gender role in order for peace to reign in the home. In conclusion, living abroad for Nigerians and Africans could be easier if African immigrants take advantage of the marriage laws positively and not use it to destroy one another because in my opinion women abroad see the marriage law as a weapon to destroy their partner.
Did you have to type a dissertation or thesis just to blame women for all the troubles in marriages? Anyway, don't worry because a lot men and a lot of women do not wish to get married. Too much wahala in marriages
1.) The government understand that childcare is expensive & is not something one parent can conveniently afford so they thought to assist with the incentive. How does this mean they're encouraging independence & feminism? Aren't humans supposed to have some measure of independence? No one will ordinarily want to destroy their spouses if it's not that the spouse is evil or oppressive. Insincerity, lack of wisdom, foolish choices, evil counsel/advice are the main issues to tackle with. In a marriage where there's companionship, friendship, openness, transparency, love, care, commitment, great communication & the likes, they can work through any challenges and come up with solutions that enrich both of them. It's these that those afraid of bringing their spouses abroad should work on. Ensure all those are present in their marriages & the issue of one spouse destroying the other wouldn't come up.
About a woman earning more & spiting the husband, your generalization is faulty as not all women who earn more are guilty of this. For those guilty, the bad behaviour was already there....money just brought it out. The man ought to continue to add value to his family according to his financial & other strengths and not be carried away or feel spited. God has a way of doing his things + if the man has been genuinely involved in the children's life, the children would not turn against the man even if their mum is ill-behaved. Besides, if both of them's income is seen as family income, it wouldn't matter who earns more or whose account it is.
Some women are so fond of this, especially the ones you brought from nowhere in africa ,so we should understand how our culture works atimes,but if d need arises help your wife, infact to conclude it men should help their wife but some are ingrate anyway nomatter what you did for them they will forget everything.
Thanks for this wonderful insight, in my considered opinion I still think a lot of African women do take advantage of the law protecting women to misbehave. I heard about a couple some months ago, the guy made an arrangement for his wife and son to come over to UK, the wife got there and became aware of the law protecting her as a woman, she started misbehaving and disrespecting the man, abusing the man both physically and emotionally, when the man realize what was really happening, he didn't make trouble, he pretended like all was well, always talking to the woman softly, pet her and deceived her that they should go back to Nigeria and spend a week or two and also buy some properties, immediately they got to Nigeria, the man made sure the woman wasn't having enough money, he collected the woman and the son's passport and ran back UK without them knowing, he got there and have them a call. The woman nearly run mad, the man said he will never made a mistake of taking her abroad again. Till today she's still in Nigeria.
I wish both genders will behave well in whatever instance they find themselves. My uncle moved to the US with his wife. Before they left, he was mean to her in Nigeria. Some of the things he did to her, everyone was against it, my family and the wife's family. When they got to the US she dealt with him seriously, he even still brought his cheating behaviour here, which lead to the birth of a child, that lady also left him broke and dry. No one felt sorry for him.
Hello sis, thanks for this video. But I want to chip in this. If those who went to the UK as couples have issues like these, what is going to happen to Africans who go there as singles and want to get married over there? I mean is it advisable for an African man to get married to a lady (even from his tribe) he met in the UK, especially considering the freedom women have over there? I will like to know your views about this please. Thanks
If what you mean is that you're engaged but not yet married and want to come study, you can surely come. Whether it will affect your relationship depends on both of you; how old is your relationship? How committed are you both? Settling in a new environment+schooling can be a lot especially the first 2 months where you're trying to get settled and adapt so communication between you both in this period has to be highly intentional and filled with patience. Some didn't come in with enough money so they'll go take up jobs to help them meet up with bills so they may not have enough time to gist and stay in touch. This can be tough on the relationship but with being proactive, intentionality, patience and commitment, you both can pull through. Voicenotes detailing what your new week will be like gives your partner a fair idea how each day is going, pictures, memes, what your new life is like, how much you miss them etc should be a constant part of your conversations. Use lots of voicenotes and drop as many as possible at any free time you have even if it's bathroom break. You both should also plan how you both will meet whether you are going back to meet your partner or your partner is coming to meet you. If any changes from your plans, be quick to communicate it. Whenever the time/chance permits, do video calls, drop videos so they feel more alive hearing from you even though it's not a live call.
majority of comments solely blame the men but if we want to be honest,we all know the role some women play that leads to divorce, if we act like women are blameless n it starts n ends with the men,then we aren't ready to critically evaluate the issue n get a working solution
I found this controversial a lot because you mentioned the word "men" so many times which I find to be one-sided. I don't support abuse in any form but it would be nicer next time if you don't make this look as if men are the main cause of marriage dissolution. Also, on the issue of finance, the issue is that women are naturally not wired to pay bills even if they earn more than their husbands.
The cause of marriage collapse is marriage outside as God instructed. It's our choice of marriage approach than God's word provided that collapses marriages. Man must love his wife and woman must reverence her husband. God is God to nations under heaven and is ruled by those who trust Him.
Anyone who come to the city of London , as a family and they will brake up , the law in this country woman and children .black man stand now chance in London woman have all the right in uk , and women get free money too for there children .so if you come to London as a couple think twice before you come from Nigeria so many couples are splitting up when they come to London 🙄🤑🇬🇧
Tochi, have you had any misunderstanding with your husband with regards to chores and other things? If yes, kindly share with us... who caused it and how you both handled it.
Do you see how Asian men work here? Do you see how their wives are encouraged to have thriving careers ? Do you see they live in communities and with their grandparents who help with child care and tremendously reduce stress? Connect the dots
@@ezinneerhirhieneeukaogo1439 I agree we need to support each other. But I've come to realize how African women want to turn their spouses to Europeans overnight. Europeans/Asians don't try to b Africans when they come to Africa but our ppl ehn... SMH.
when dey say blacks are dumb there is a reason for it ,the white knows that the blacks always want to immitate everything about them ,thus they truly have no respect for us .n d statistics don't lie ,the black community is actually crumbling entirely ...all thanks to the woke black women ..
Nope in those communities the women usually do not work, many are not even encouraged to learn English or integrate into the society. An easy way to keep them subjugated and under control.
TOCHI. U ARE A GENTLE LADY NATURALLY. IN UR VIDEO ON UR DEFENCE ON PEOPLE ASKING U TO STOP ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO MOVE ABROAD. U SAID IF ANY MAKE HARD COMMENTS U WON'T TAKE IT LIGHTLY. TOCHI, U ARE TOO SIMPLE TO BE HARD ON PEOPLE, I SEE U AS SOMEONE THAT WILL JUST IGNORE THEM THAN ABUSING THEM. I DON'T SEE U AS SUCH AN ABUSIVE PERSON. I AM SURE, U WON'T DO SUCH . MY ADVISE FOR U IS THAT U KEEP UR COOL AS USUAL. HMMMMM. GOOD GIRL. TOCHI
You point about women earning more than men cause issues, am surprised you think it’s the man that can’t cope with their wife being the bread winner. The problem is that most women can’t handle being the bread winner in the home. Once a woman is in that position, they look down on their husbands and think his not ambitious. One of the main problems is the my money your money. When you are married it’s our money. Any of the spouse that starts a project without discussing it definitely has a problem. If my wife is earning more than me, I don’t see a problem with that as long as she doesn’t suddenly think that she is the man and am the wife. Finally is that you seem to blame the men, I hope you make a part two where you mention some of the things that women do like being verbally abusive, cheating, disrespecting the husband etc.
But marriages aren’t just breaking abroad because of house chores and DV. There is the story of a woman whose husband who was a military officer sent her to the us . He also kept sending her money from nigeria , the woman started a business in the us . Years later , the man relocate to join her , however she was already rich , she treated him badly , got a bigger house and kicked him out . This story ended very badly because the man shot the wife . So please when you talk about marriage issues abroad , don’t blame it all on men alone .
I know someone who came to UK on a study route, she came to UK with her husband and kid.Very hardworking and homely person. They put up with husband's elder sister. On a normal level, she travels to UK frequently before the studies. She cleans the whole house daily cooks for the family and what not. Her husband is not the kind of man who can cook,nor clean, because in Nigeria she flushes his poo .wash everything for him,there was a time she went to US for summer, the man couldn't wash his panties in the Washing Machine 😪😪,Now the wife started internship, she resumes 6.30am ,so she must leave home by 5am to avoid going late,now they are complaining that she needs to cook for her husband before going to work at 5am🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️,she usually prepared soups different types inside the freezer, yet its difficult for husband to work round it,what can she do
She should go about her normal schedule & send RUclips videos to the husband on how to microwave food and serve himself. The hungry one should learn to watch the video and learn quickly how to sort his meals.
All you said is beautiful and truth ma but u got it wrong too cos it was one sided based on the causes of marriage failure between spouse. It should be treated equally not one sided. From what I have seen, women still has their flaws too but that’s okay though ❤
Reading all these comments just added to my fear Walahi... I'm scared of bringing a dependent even though she's my best friend Because a culture that limit my power as a man ... If she misbehaves I'll have to take it like that without doing anything... PS:my woman stubborn well well so you can understand where I'm typing from
Thanks for a brilliant vlog, personally I think the problem can be our families we left in Africa( the inlaws from both sides)
For most of us who come abroad,before you leave Africa, family will tell you something like "you know how our family is, please when you reach there abroad,don`t forget your sisters and brothers' education" so you reach abroad, you still do not even know how to make money, there are already calls regarding school fees.
I think this is a big,big issue.
You've said it all my dear. Life abroad is hard, different from what is obtainable here at home. If you're not willing to make sacrifices and compromise, then your relationship is likely go south. Well done for the good job you are doing.
NA SO! 100%
Your thoughts are all valid Tochi. I have told myself that I will not pick an extra shift on a Sunday unless it is very very necessary. We need to be intentional about family time. It can never be overemphasised
Very good point here
One have to be intentional about things like this to make it work
very important money is not everything
Great points. I think home keeping and finance are the two most challenging aspects of living abroad as a family with especially young children. The way I see it, every serious couple need to sit down and have a discussion regarding how they wish to run their home abroad. I believe one spouse should lead the home front while the other spouse lead the bread winning. Then both should help out in both aspects (home and income). The person leading the home front knows that the home is their priority and the person leading the bread winning knows that making enough money for the family is their priority. For this to work though, there should be no "my money"/ selfishness and both need to be genuinely interested in working as a team. Also, trying to make all the money in the world is a family killer. Money is not everything. Your home, sanity and peace of mind cannot be equated to money.
Now this right here is a balanced view analysis. Kudos
I love this. Thank you for your views are on point.
Good point
This is the general rule for marriage to work and be happy.
You're so gentle and Patient Tochi ,I believe your husband loves you more.
1. Abusive spouses/Freedom/Protection of women right
-- Yes, this becomes an absolutely eye opener for an abusive spouse, realizing that it is no longer business as usual especially the way it was back home. I am more of an advocate of everybody's right has to be protected - Men, women and children. Even though the emphasis of your video is on women and children being the vulnerable ones which is ok there are also instances of men being abuse verbally, emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically too. There are instances of women even killing their husbands/partners hence the need to protect everyone in a marriage.
With respect to freedom, the truth remains that many marry today for lots of different reasons except the right ones that is why it sometimes feels like a bondage which they want to be free from eventually. This ought not to be. Also, there are many marriages that ought not to have happened in the first but when the parties involved ignore the warning signs because of temporary emotional attachments and infatuation, they ignore the red flags only to begin to feel trapped once the emotional fog begins to clear off. I personally believe its more about individuals than environment. If marriages are rooted in godly principles and both parties individually submit to those principles regardless of how they feel, then the marriage will thrive and survive every adversity even if it is not perfect.
Please be it a woman or a man, you have absolutely no business being married if you are not ready to sacrifice, be patient, endure and kill your ego/pride.
2. Chores
In my opinion, i think there is absolutely nothing wrong in how house chores are being handled in African likewise the way it is being handled in Europe. What is wrong is when you have a working wife and you still expect her to come home and take care of all the house chores and also take care of the kids. The moment you both decides that your wife or partner should work, you have by implications put yourself up to share the chores with her. A man must support and compliment his spouse on all front including house chores especially if she works too. If you don't want to support your spouse in the area of chores, then be ready to absolve her from all form of paid employment or work. You must be ready and willing to be the only one providing for the family, and you must never nag her or complain about it. You must also be ready to meet all her needs. This was the way it was back home during the times of our parents. Decision such as these must be mutually agreed to by both parties right even before the marriage or in the marriage and must not be forced on the other.
3. Money
This is a very important subject . Whatever work for both parties is what should be adopted. The most important thing is this, money decisions must be mutually agreed on by both parties. They must also be comfortable with their decision. They must be sincere, open and true to each other in this regards otherwise it won't work. What works for "Family A" might not work in "Family B". There must be constant and periodic reviews of their money issues to accommodate their new and current realities.
4. No pressure to stay married
The truth in my opinion is this, there is nothing right or wrong about being married or staying single. That a society doesn't pressure one to remain married especially in an difficult or challenging marriage or partnership doesn't mean they are absolutely right likewise a society that preaches endurance in the face of marital challenges are not also wrong. What matter most is the individual involved and the nature of the challenge. Like i said earlier, there are marriages that shouldn't have been in the first place hence their many problems. Once the foundation be destroyed, there is absolutely nothing much that can be done building upward. How marriage or partnership are initiated or born can say alot about its longevity and survival. The principles that govern such union is also key ingredient which cannot be ignored. Marriage is one the best project of God in this earthly realm and is wired to last when roles respected, principles are imbibed, love is truly understood, character is constantly being improved upon and sacrifice is sincerely being embraced.
It is not about the UK, Nigeria or anywhere else. It is more about the individuals.
Thank you.
wisdom
I love this
@Ismaila God bless you for your take on this. Everybody’s right must be protected; women’s, men’, and children. No room for abuse whether from men or women. No lazy partner.
But some women abuse their rights and freedom when they get abroad, taking advantage of the gynocentric society abroad…….there are too many Nigerian single moms in the uk 🇬🇧 currently and when you look at it ….it’s a sorry situation.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
1.) You said a lot but your last line ruined everything. Yes, it is about Nigeria, UK, US, Canada, Europe, Australia, etc.
Location matters! Let's do a thought experiment. Imagine if the laws in Nigeria today changed to become like the one in UK and the laws of UK switched to Nigeria's, what do you think will happen to each country's marriage stats?
Ah ha! So you see, it's about the system of government and the laws in those places! (Contd...)
Well said and timely. My warm regards to your Husband. We served together during our NYSC days. My family and I just relocated to the UK.
Wow, thank you so much and welcome to the Uk. I’ll let him know
Our African Men, want always to be on top of the Women, they want everything on the table, and they restrict Women etc, unless both Women and Men start saying everybody is important in life, not ton dominate one another, and above all we are not open ,every earning must be declared and you plan together but most Men do not want that, we need to support every activities Men please start learn cooking, washing etc
Well said, bless you
This is very pedestrian. It didn't touch the core of the issues. Marriage is between two people, so consigning the whole problems to the man or even to the woman doesnt show a good grasp of the situation. The cultural issues affect both in equal measures.
This is not full truth...
Man is the Head of a woman 👩, that is our African traditions, oko ni olori aya, ....
@@owolabilawal8667 Village illiterate man
Thanks so much Tochi, you really did a great job by pointing out all these. You nailed it.
To my understanding, everybody (Man & Woman) should do what is right, both home and working. And love will still remain within the family.
Big question is: Does everybody agree on what is right and what is not right?
Some of Nigeria men are chronic lazy they want to maintain African mentality that women will work , do house chores, and still feed them , wash their clothes as usual in Nigeria
How can it work
May God deliver Some of them that are lazy
I'M TELLING YOU! MAY GOD REALLY DELIVER THEM FROM THAT TERRIBLE MINDSET!
Thanks Tochi, I hope men will watch and listen to your piece, you've said it all. Nigeria men are something else, the mentality of am the head caused a lot of problems. If any man needs to follow her wife abroad, he should undergo training about what would be expected of him to do when he get there. Thank God women's interest is priorities abroad.
Here we go. It's always men and 'Nigerian men' that are the issues. Hardly ever the ladies. Well, you guys look across the pond to America let's see how far with the marriages there amongst Native Black Americans
whilst I agree the men share an arguably major blame in the subject matter, exonerating the woman from blame n heaping all the blame on the men is never an objective analysis.mayb cos men hardly speak up but tbh, women to v enough blame to share
there are women who by opportunity come abroad with their hubby n suddenly feel its unlimited freedom cos they think the laws favor them n it eventually leads to divorce but NO, Ladies aren't ready to be objective or share any blamee.uts always the man's fault
Nothing, I repeat, Nothing will ever make me to be an international student to start with. I can't depend on my wife to be paying school fees for me while I depend on her. I'll rather her go to school while I maintain the status of been a provider. Madam can have lots of money due to her high paying job, it's a plus and achievement for me. But you see that her money? I prefer my own small money. It's not a competition but a lifelong commitment. Why will a man depends on his wife's money in the first place.? Its not a matter of pride, it's my honest opinion
As a man living abroad refrain from marriage at all cost if u can, there is a 90% chance of a man ending up living in a room and at the same time paying for your ex-wife and her new boyfriend bills in your old house and don’t forget child support, do your home really good and have a plan B at all times as a man.
Is all about understanding.
African men commodify marriage alot.
So in abroad, this can't happen. We should try and work with each other. Pride should not come in
Exactly what am facing😢 most times women don’t want to but men pushes us am going through a lot right now😢
Sending you lots of hugs sis
My sister that one-sided house chores discrepancy has wrecked countless of Nigerian homes in the UK. A white man would never ever leave all the chores for his wife even if the works doesn't go to work. This culture inculcated or inherent in our men is simply "evil" and unacceptable. A woman who is home does more much work than anyone on a 9-5 work. Our Nigerian men should please and please learn how to lift a broomstick in the house, help with doing dishes even if you can't cook. Help clean the toilets, hover the house. It's also mean bewitching your wife because she earns more than you do. I recently settled such case with an brother against the wife in my workplace. Funny enough he's the dependent on a full-time job but he still wants the wife who's a student to account to him whatever she does with her money. It's terrible!
You see this idea that a woman can work full time and still carry all the house chores can send a lot of women to an early grave. It's simply not practical nor is it sustainable.
I agree. if you truly love someone you wouldn't sit there n watch her do all the house work.Some men dont even help with their children homework self. The woman will do everything n still work full time night shifts.Pure slavery.
are you a white ,why don't u compare yourself to Asians and Indians
If you married a man for love, you wouldn't divorce him for household chores. I mean, how much housework is there to do really? So, if you divorce the man, the house chores will disappear? Truth is, Nigerian women marry for what they can get and divorce for what they can get and they get a lot abroad
@@obiflex the mindset "how much work is there really...." is not healthy for a peaceful marriage just like" how much do you even make...." is also not healthy. It trivialises the hard work of your partner. Just dialogue with an open mind and find the best way to run your home as a team.
Patience and Understanding....that is the word.
Easier said than done. If the woman happens to earn more as the work visa holder, it’ll be tough keeping egos in check. And am not just referring to the man’s ego.
@@mrafam626 right!!!!
Opposite shifts has it’s advantages & disadvantages,may🙏🏽God continue to guide us and we spend “most our times at work”😞if you know you know,good👍point Tochi.
Great points sis. Another thing: women want security. If ever a woman gets her feet in a well paying job, and she has been in an abusive marriage, she will 🏃♀️,
Abroad is very difficult honestly, without being patient one might find it difficult to cope with the way of life,Good vlog,keep it up dear.
I think you nailed it. Very explicit and properly explained. Thanks
Marriages also breakup in Africa but it favors men and therefore you don't hear of it. Men mess up in Africa and get away with it because of lack of human rights
LGBT is coming to Africa, congrats
@animal world its already in Africa. Woman marry women in Africa. That's lesbian marriage.
@CHRIST IS GOD good, i want every women and men in Africa should follow, is good for them
All excellent points. Also just to add another one, cheating is less tolerated abroad.
Sis u nailed it. Tnk you u so much.
Bam! Sis you are too good for me God bless you
its because the men still think here is Africa. Abroad women also work so as women we r not able to serve them breakfast, lunch dinner n night time choppings n still dont have any support at home even with the kids.Some men think it's not their job to change their child diapers.Sorry here our eyes hv opened n we r not doormats like back home. Some men wait till their wifeys comes home from work before eating even if there is food in the fridge n they got home hours before. African women r trained for marriage since childhood. No one is training the men.What do we expect it will happen? Even if the woman kills herself he'll see it as normal. is not his duty to clean after himself.Our eyes hv opened o.Thanks 2 education
"You guys eyes have opened" is equivalent to divorcing increasing over there 😄🤣. Olorun a ran gbogbo yin ti e wa l'oke-okun lowo lori oro igbeyawo.
@@childrentoys4537 if the man treats the woman with care and respect I stead of letting her overworkherself then it's fine. But most african men are not trained for that. Even their insults to their wife is too much in abroad. In abroad they cheat so much and prefer the white man's way but expect their wife to be slave for them.
@@susuilu They also accuse you African women over there of similar thing.
The western world dose NOT accept the cultural norms of an eastern or traditional relationships. The west is predicated on equality. Eastern (Asia,Africa,MiddleEast)
traditions are usually patriarchal in custom. There lies the conflict with the western philosophies of marriage and family. Many immigrant families struggle with the "Do we abandon our traditional culture to fit in with the modern Jones and Smiths or stay a backward savage?" I'm first genaration to imagrant parents. Been educated on the role of a husband based on the traditions my father and uncles were also taught in there youth back "home" . Being raised between east and west philosophy has shown me a few perspectives to where the break downs occur. In the western world,the basics for survival are met and people dont nessisaraly have to work together,thats the begining of the end of any union. The option of independence will always out weigh loyalty. The main issue is the "eyes opened" is I dont need you Easyern man if I have social and economic support from wester gov services. Such options are not prevalent in most eastern countries so commitments are thought out deliberate and long lasting. So it's no surprise when presented with the opportunity for independence,most jump for it. Hope that kind of made sens,if not I'd love to explain more ✌🏾
@@sidspliceVery well explained. You can see that she hasn’t responded, because you spit the facts. The so called ‘Open Eyes’ is the reason why there are so many single moms around …(I’m uk based) ….I run when I meet them.
A man has to assist in daily chores, they must co-operate financially, mentally, spiritually…and know that the west is not like Africa..many men are okay with this. The men who don’t get the code always fail in marriage in the west.
Bad Women misuse the liberties they have here in the west, what’s needed is a balance…..but they don’t forget that balance when they move to the west and suddenly discover all those selfish liberties.
Women's right should be protected everywhere this is 2022 not 1902
I think partnership in marriage is the key.
Basic truth Tochi, you said it as it is🥰 always love you analysis and contents. I feel Communication plays a big role in every aspect.
Most marriages break in abroad due to inability of the two partners to understand each other.
True talk👍.
When you do chores in your house, you are helping me. When I add some money for the family upkeep, I am supporting our family. Dey play.
I believe Tochi should have stated in the beginning that she’s talking within the context of “two married people in love” not two roommates or living partners. Cos the comments on this section ehhhn, it’s something else. It doesn’t always have to be one against another. This is just a conversation that will help two lovers mitigate the new life abroad. Thank you Tochi
A woman will never forget how you treat them in pregnancy
Living in abroad is very challenging and both couples should learn to accommodate each other because the wife has no help and know that they need to live the life together and keep the home too.
Infact ...this is elucidating.
The men should learn.
not only men sis both should learn
Really? It’s only the men at fault right?
From the analysis, it’s sounds like it men that are the cause of the problem. I have seen marriages break up because the won’t do what the man said, an example, a wife’s car breaks down and needs a new car, now she wants to drive and evougue, husband says no, we can’t afford it, he comes back from work and an evouque is parked on the drive. Monthly cost higher than their mortgage, this is just one story. Others have been sleeping around while their husbands are at work. Men and women have their faults, this analysis is one sided.
Nice talk, the summary of it all, is that compatibility, is the most important thing to have in marriage.
Hi I just had to pause the video first and just leave my comment. One thing about Nigerian marriage is that there is lack of communication. Alot of Nigerian men and I'm using Nigeria because that's where I'm at but the communication level is zero. They always demand respect without earning it. They feel and always want to be superior over the woman making it feel like she has no right or say of her own. Relocating to a new country is hard. Most men being the cheat that they are and being the fact that they don't know how to communicate find it hard being with their partner for a period of time. They feel choked. The woman on the other hand seeing how things work there is ready to spread her clipped wings. So there's conflict in everything. I'm just saying tho. Would have added more but..
Spot on sis!
Not just Nigeria sis I'm from zimbabwe and its the same
@@mollymuch1 it's just so sad , I wish the narrative could be changed
Team work is key...
For me it's bad friend and money which is separating people in this europe honestly .Great subject really 👏 👌
Money is never the issue. Money only reveals the true person's colors
Interesting video with some valid point. However, it is taken from a females perspective where the man is the problem in pretty much every point she stated. Abusive men, Men not helping with chores, Men uncomfortable with a spouse with higher income. Any Man who has been married more than a week would understand the dynamics involved and that partnership does not mean partnership for men and women. we speak different languages. Anyway, we have heard the women side, It would be nice to get the male perspective on why they think these problems escalate.
Everyone gets what they deserve! Must you 'japa' because your neighbours in Nigeria have 'japa?
Nigerians in Nigeria do not want to listen to anyone telling them about the realities of the hardships of living abroad.
Pound Sterling and Dollars are more important than any racism, unemployment, cost of living crisis abroad.
Good luck to those who heard but did not listen, and who are now facing it.
If theres a true love between the couples then there won't be any problem.
A Nigerian man can sacrifice anything for his woman and likewise. Imitating another mans culture is not our priority if the women understands this.
Then don’t expect the women to go to work. Let her stay at home. You can’t add more work to one person’s plate. That is just evil and you are being lazy. Just as the women’s role has changed by moving abroad so should your role change too.
It’s seems some marriages have wrong foundation. The African culture has e then helped matters. Once some women move abroad , and sees that they have been in bondage , they tend to want to break loose.. Foundation matters a lot . There are still good marriages doing well abroad as well. .. most men aren’t having it in the comment section.. The same thing she’s talking about . Lol
Very Valid Points... 100%
Foundation of the marriage is what matters, and the persons character
Honestly Abroad is not hard,it is just because of where we Nigerians are coming from.
Thanks for sharing ❤
Well done, dear sis. U have done well. I also think that underlying issues before couples leave Africa can also be attributed to this. Take for instance, a situation where there was no mutual agreement for a couple to leave, and then the other later come around much later, that could also bring about issues like this
First to comment ma😊
@@taofeeklawal1393 😊
Your video is subtly against men. What of women that obviuosly will not submit to there husbands beyond the things you mentioned like cheating and lifestyles not in tandem with the man. How do such men cope cos thats also another thing that can cause a strife..
@@rawlingsattari2749 👍
Feel free to drop your opinion okay
@@TochiEsther no doubt Some African men can feel entitled but It seem most women seem to misbehave when they get here and play the victim card too because the society favours women.
Honestly man is different from a woman and it is also safe to say a woman is totally different from a man.
Many broken homes because due to misplacement of priorities.
It's because of the way foreign culture is. They have this gender equality thing and if you want to be equal then live your separate ways. A wife is a wife and a husband is a husband. American culture is designed for a person to be individualistic- me me me, my my my. The concept of "we" and "us" in America is not the same at is it in Africa. If African women have to spend so much time cooking those difficult but delicious African meals, go out to regular job, come back to do the dishes, then let's sit down and talk about equality. No, the typical African man only ate his mother's food but never paid attention to learn how to cook or simply does not want to do it.
Tochi, it's not that men cannot deal with their wives earning more than them. Most of our women treat their husbands like house boys once they begin to make more money than their husbands. That does terrible damage to the man's self esteem.
As you already know, men in Igbo culture are fostered to take care of their family. They are happy they have the resources to provide for their family. Women, no matter how much they earn think they are suffering if they have to assume that responsibility. Her money is not for the family upkeep!
Great explanation and pointers
Thank you so much for sharing sis God bless you am praying for God to bless me, me too I want to marry
On the finance issue, is it like all men just get salty when their wives earn more or are there also women that behave badly and in a controlling manner when they earn more? Worth exploring. On divorce society may not care or pile pressure on women who live marriages but that doesn’t take away some of the stress and even loneliness that comes with living alone. No one should stay in an abusive marriage but leaving for frivolous reasons or to enjoy “freedom” has its downsides at some point.
Well stated! Nice take
You hit it rightly!!!
My thought exactly. Because most of the points were against men. I would like to hear more of these issues the the other way round. I believe there are lots of issues that could come up when some women learn more about the rights they have
A man as the head of the family too should play smart on how to make more money. e.g switching career to I.T before relocating, courses like Project Management ; Scrum Master, Software Testing, Business Analysis are high paying jobs in the UK. I am a man, but the truth is that we need to UP our games to remain head of the family. Do you know as an IT Solutions Architect/Cloud Computing Architect, you can earn an average of 80k pounds and as high as 130k pounds ? So if your wife is a health carer or a Nurse, you can earn 5 times her salary.(Strictly for men who feels their wives tend to control them because they earn higher). Step up your game now I beg, go through the sacrifice to develop yourself. IT is cool, there are lots of management courses in I.T that doesn't require coding. When a man earns more, it brings respect and gives the woman some level of security and she would want to stay PUT.
Managing a woman and even the family requires thinking out of the box and acting smart. It's not easy to earn the respect of a girlfriend, talkless of a woman in a civilized society. That's why if you are thinking of living abroad, you need to know it's a different ball game entirely.
Above all, men too need to help their wives so she doesn't get old due to stress and women should respect their husbands as it's our African culture and most religions teach that as well.
Hi @Benny man, I really appreciate your comment. Please I would like to know more about these IT courses for my husband. Please how can I link you both?
Please CAN WE STOP THIS “help your wife narrative “ IT SHOULD BE PARTICIPATING IN THE HOME THEY LIVE…
❤
Is everywhere ooo, God bless you dear
Then, let the couple remain in their home country. It's not a must to travel to the UK na
Infact my sis/bro I taya o. I think say na only me dey think wetin you write.
Am new here🌹💐🙏. Keep doing this👍
No it's not about money
Good job.
Well done Ma.
It has nothing to do with African men leaving the chores to women or having insecurities. It is more about African women embracing radical feminism. Marriage is not partnership; it is responsibility. You play your role and I play mine.
😂😂
Marriage is a partnership.
Well said Tochi. African families did to step up.
But how come the Arabs and the Asians don’t get into the marriage problems as Nigerians do?
Very important and educating video
We need part 2 please sis😊
Lack of proper communication is a major cause of separation, others includes; lack of kind word, support and care.
Most men find it difficult to accept it when their wife is making money than them and that’s where problem starts from
Husband and wife value money than love, some couples haven’t kissed or go on date since they arrive in the uk. There’s timetable on when the have intimacy, some don’t see each other in days.
We promised not to break up
This is so true
Something that can be avoided
Hmmmm... very interesting topic
are there any apps i can find african lady on i would really like to bring one from ghana of naija im located in south lo ndon
very well said ,true and ashame that men are stuck in this silly manhood its from churches that is pushed the bible teaches to respect each other with the man as head if he loves his wife as himself so why would they want to treat the wife badly do they want to be hurt like they hurt the wife ? this is what the lord said so why do men not see this (its also bad that women treat men badly and this is not correct )its more important couples learn to love each other and work together and stop all this him and her role bullshit and be happy in each other
African American women have had to take of the children and work while taking care of the husband needs. My mother and my grandmother was the same way, so I became that way and it seems normal.
This is an interesting subject matter and all the 5 points you listed are valid, but I think there are more reasons why marriages break abroad. You mentioned Women Rights Protection and there should be also Women Rights Privileges. Though I do not know the process, I often heard that when a woman bears a child out of wedlock, the Govt pays certain benefits to the woman thus creating an incentive for women to become feminist and independent.
As much as we criticize African Marriage Laws, the Marriage Laws abroad should be criticized too because there is no balance and it's tilted towards creating a dysfunctional family system where both parents are at loggerheads. I have heard about women abroad who plot their way into divorce so as to claim the properties of the husband all because there is a system that permits women to have unlimited liberty.
In my opinion. based on the aforementioned, African Marriage Law is still preferable because in Nigeria, we can boast of a better functional family system in spite of male hegemony.
You mentioned that some men cannot come to terms with their wives having upper financial advantage.
In this regard, i think some men can stomach it, the real issue is when a woman has more financial power, she makes it apparent and starts to disrespect the man and begins to turn the children against her husband.
In terms of non-financial gender roles, some men often feel that chores, kitchen activities only belong to women and that cannot hold abroad, and this is obviously a hotbed for marital problems. I believe there should not be any pre-defined gender role in order for peace to reign in the home.
In conclusion, living abroad for Nigerians and Africans could be easier if African immigrants take advantage of the marriage laws positively and not use it to destroy one another because in my opinion women abroad see the marriage law as a weapon to destroy their partner.
What do u think feminism means biko ?
Did you have to type a dissertation or thesis just to blame women for all the troubles in marriages? Anyway, don't worry because a lot men and a lot of women do not wish to get married. Too much wahala in marriages
Aptly stated 👌🎯
1.) The government understand that childcare is expensive & is not something one parent can conveniently afford so they thought to assist with the incentive. How does this mean they're encouraging independence & feminism? Aren't humans supposed to have some measure of independence?
No one will ordinarily want to destroy their spouses if it's not that the spouse is evil or oppressive. Insincerity, lack of wisdom, foolish choices, evil counsel/advice are the main issues to tackle with.
In a marriage where there's companionship, friendship, openness, transparency, love, care, commitment, great communication & the likes, they can work through any challenges and come up with solutions that enrich both of them. It's these that those afraid of bringing their spouses abroad should work on.
Ensure all those are present in their marriages & the issue of one spouse destroying the other wouldn't come up.
About a woman earning more & spiting the husband, your generalization is faulty as not all women who earn more are guilty of this.
For those guilty, the bad behaviour was already there....money just brought it out.
The man ought to continue to add value to his family according to his financial & other strengths and not be carried away or feel spited.
God has a way of doing his things + if the man has been genuinely involved in the children's life, the children would not turn against the man even if their mum is ill-behaved.
Besides, if both of them's income is seen as family income, it wouldn't matter who earns more or whose account it is.
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Woooow that’s lovely Ma ❤❤❤❤
Video is nice.. It's one sided..
I can see the men have the blames weldon
Some women are so fond of this, especially the ones you brought from nowhere in africa ,so we should understand how our culture works atimes,but if d need arises help your wife, infact to conclude it men should help their wife but some are ingrate anyway nomatter what you did for them they will forget everything.
Thanks for this wonderful insight, in my considered opinion I still think a lot of African women do take advantage of the law protecting women to misbehave. I heard about a couple some months ago, the guy made an arrangement for his wife and son to come over to UK, the wife got there and became aware of the law protecting her as a woman, she started misbehaving and disrespecting the man, abusing the man both physically and emotionally, when the man realize what was really happening, he didn't make trouble, he pretended like all was well, always talking to the woman softly, pet her and deceived her that they should go back to Nigeria and spend a week or two and also buy some properties, immediately they got to Nigeria, the man made sure the woman wasn't having enough money, he collected the woman and the son's passport and ran back UK without them knowing, he got there and have them a call. The woman nearly run mad, the man said he will never made a mistake of taking her abroad again. Till today she's still in Nigeria.
I wish both genders will behave well in whatever instance they find themselves. My uncle moved to the US with his wife. Before they left, he was mean to her in Nigeria. Some of the things he did to her, everyone was against it, my family and the wife's family. When they got to the US she dealt with him seriously, he even still brought his cheating behaviour here, which lead to the birth of a child, that lady also left him broke and dry. No one felt sorry for him.
This is serious
Hello sis, thanks for this video. But I want to chip in this. If those who went to the UK as couples have issues like these, what is going to happen to Africans who go there as singles and want to get married over there? I mean is it advisable for an African man to get married to a lady (even from his tribe) he met in the UK, especially considering the freedom women have over there? I will like to know your views about this please. Thanks
Nice one love.. valid points
Hi tochi , may Godbless you .pls need to ask some questions privately how do I do this , I can put it on comment section
This is what we as African Americans do everyday,we don't hire maids or house help, that's only for the rich in America.
Mine is a question. What if you are not yet married and decide to come study abroad, will that be an issue?
Please explain in details.
Thank you
Marriage is not a requirement to study in the UK or any country. Do not marry anybody. Plenty marriage wahala
If what you mean is that you're engaged but not yet married and want to come study, you can surely come. Whether it will affect your relationship depends on both of you; how old is your relationship? How committed are you both?
Settling in a new environment+schooling can be a lot especially the first 2 months where you're trying to get settled and adapt so communication between you both in this period has to be highly intentional and filled with patience. Some didn't come in with enough money so they'll go take up jobs to help them meet up with bills so they may not have enough time to gist and stay in touch.
This can be tough on the relationship but with being proactive, intentionality, patience and commitment, you both can pull through.
Voicenotes detailing what your new week will be like gives your partner a fair idea how each day is going, pictures, memes, what your new life is like, how much you miss them etc should be a constant part of your conversations.
Use lots of voicenotes and drop as many as possible at any free time you have even if it's bathroom break.
You both should also plan how you both will meet whether you are going back to meet your partner or your partner is coming to meet you. If any changes from your plans, be quick to communicate it.
Whenever the time/chance permits, do video calls, drop videos so they feel more alive hearing from you even though it's not a live call.
majority of comments solely blame the men but if we want to be honest,we all know the role some women play that leads to divorce, if we act like women are blameless n it starts n ends with the men,then we aren't ready to critically evaluate the issue n get a working solution
Learn to adjust and work as a team then.
I found this controversial a lot because you mentioned the word "men" so many times which I find to be one-sided. I don't support abuse in any form but it would be nicer next time if you don't make this look as if men are the main cause of marriage dissolution.
Also, on the issue of finance, the issue is that women are naturally not wired to pay bills even if they earn more than their husbands.
I love you tochi
The cause of marriage collapse is marriage outside as God instructed. It's our choice of marriage approach than God's word provided that collapses marriages.
Man must love his wife and woman must reverence her husband. God is God to nations under heaven and is ruled by those who trust Him.
Anyone who come to the city of London , as a family and they will brake up , the law in this country woman and children .black man stand now chance in London woman have all the right in uk , and women get free money too for there children .so if you come to London as a couple think twice before you come from Nigeria so many couples are splitting up when they come to London 🙄🤑🇬🇧
Tochi, have you had any misunderstanding with your husband with regards to chores and other things? If yes, kindly share with us... who caused it and how you both handled it.
Why has the Asian community refused to be westernized even in the UK? Nigerian women ehn!
Do you see how Asian men work here?
Do you see how their wives are encouraged to have thriving careers ?
Do you see they live in communities and with their grandparents who help with child care and tremendously reduce stress?
Connect the dots
@@ezinneerhirhieneeukaogo1439 I agree we need to support each other. But I've come to realize how African women want to turn their spouses to Europeans overnight. Europeans/Asians don't try to b Africans when they come to Africa but our ppl ehn... SMH.
when dey say blacks are dumb there is a reason for it ,the white knows that the blacks always want to immitate everything about them ,thus they truly have no respect for us .n d statistics don't lie ,the black community is actually crumbling entirely ...all thanks to the woke black women ..
Nope in those communities the women usually do not work, many are not even encouraged to learn English or integrate into the society. An easy way to keep them subjugated and under control.
TOCHI. U ARE A GENTLE LADY NATURALLY.
IN UR VIDEO ON UR DEFENCE ON PEOPLE ASKING U TO STOP ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO MOVE ABROAD. U SAID IF ANY MAKE HARD COMMENTS U WON'T TAKE IT LIGHTLY.
TOCHI, U ARE TOO SIMPLE TO BE HARD ON PEOPLE, I SEE U AS SOMEONE THAT WILL JUST IGNORE THEM THAN ABUSING THEM.
I DON'T SEE U AS SUCH AN ABUSIVE PERSON.
I AM SURE, U WON'T DO SUCH .
MY ADVISE FOR U IS THAT U KEEP UR COOL AS USUAL.
HMMMMM. GOOD GIRL. TOCHI
Thank you so much
Abroad, men, are excited, to explore, and expand, their's sexual, horizon's.💃💃💃💃💃💃💃
Lol. Not true
You point about women earning more than men cause issues, am surprised you think it’s the man that can’t cope with their wife being the bread winner. The problem is that most women can’t handle being the bread winner in the home. Once a woman is in that position, they look down on their husbands and think his not ambitious. One of the main problems is the my money your money. When you are married it’s our money. Any of the spouse that starts a project without discussing it definitely has a problem. If my wife is earning more than me, I don’t see a problem with that as long as she doesn’t suddenly think that she is the man and am the wife.
Finally is that you seem to blame the men, I hope you make a part two where you mention some of the things that women do like being verbally abusive, cheating, disrespecting the husband etc.
But marriages aren’t just breaking abroad because of house chores and DV. There is the story of a woman whose husband who was a military officer sent her to the us . He also kept sending her money from nigeria , the woman started a business in the us . Years later , the man relocate to join her , however she was already rich , she treated him badly , got a bigger house and kicked him out . This story ended very badly because the man shot the wife . So please when you talk about marriage issues abroad , don’t blame it all on men alone .
I know someone who came to UK on a study route, she came to UK with her husband and kid.Very hardworking and homely person. They put up with husband's elder sister. On a normal level, she travels to UK frequently before the studies. She cleans the whole house daily cooks for the family and what not. Her husband is not the kind of man who can cook,nor clean, because in Nigeria she flushes his poo .wash everything for him,there was a time she went to US for summer, the man couldn't wash his panties in the Washing Machine 😪😪,Now the wife started internship, she resumes 6.30am ,so she must leave home by 5am to avoid going late,now they are complaining that she needs to cook for her husband before going to work at 5am🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️,she usually prepared soups different types inside the freezer, yet its difficult for husband to work round it,what can she do
Flush his 💩!is this a blind or handicapped man?
She should go about her normal schedule & send RUclips videos to the husband on how to microwave food and serve himself. The hungry one should learn to watch the video and learn quickly how to sort his meals.
this scenario u v painted is worst than caring for a baby. is the man physically incapacitated or what manner of laziness is this in God's name
You narrate a marriage in a few sentences and paint the husband as an evil helpless human. You should mind your own business.
🤣🤣🤣
Once ur in UK you don't respect your husband
Not true
Western issues, eyes get big when they see money and their partner are seen as rubbish as most say oh I can have him or her wow ok .
All you said is beautiful and truth ma but u got it wrong too cos it was one sided based on the causes of marriage failure between spouse. It should be treated equally not one sided. From what I have seen, women still has their flaws too but that’s okay though ❤
It seems to me the women are adjusting to their new environment. It is the husbands who can't deal with the change.
Reading all these comments just added to my fear
Walahi... I'm scared of bringing a dependent even though she's my best friend
Because a culture that limit my power as a man ...
If she misbehaves I'll have to take it like that without doing anything...
PS:my woman stubborn well well so you can understand where I'm typing from
Nigeria 🇳🇬 is better interm of relationships, Nigeria will make woman 👩 stay with man, while in abroad man is not relevant, ....