I remember the day when I realized my parent’s advice was based entirely on protecting their own self interest. They meant well, but they wanted me to avoid taking any risks at all costs. Not feasible. I secretly stopped listening to them.
I had a similar realization, but slightly different. My parents still believe to this day that the world around them operates in the same ways that it when they were young. That want me to act in all of the ways that were relevant fifty years ago but are foreign to todays world. It took me a longtime to get over the resentment of them giving me crappy advice that I had to learn was garbage by failing over and over. I thought that there was something wrong with me! Nope.
I've really been working on not needing to explain myself to people this year. I remember a teenage version of myself that never needed approval from others and somewhere in my early 20's that all changed. Bringing your self-worth/esteem back to yourself is a journey but one worth investing in!
OMG I do this... it’s annoying and I don’t know why I do it! I also feel the need to explain why I’m doing something like a defense. I need to build my self esteem for sure ~Sandy P
I've just turned 55 and I'm only NOW starting to break out of that approval trap. I've had to get to the point of having minimal ties so that very little can keep me trapped.
@@juliakristinamah Thankyou Julia, I am 55 & find I am triggered by rejection/men "what is wrong with me" what does it actually mean " to go within" & how exactly do I do this PLEASE?? It's easy to tell yourself positive things/talk, but through limiting beliefs it doesn't work, so how do you break limiting beliefs?? 🙏🙏
Yup my parents. But now that I cut my toxic, and abusive family out no more‼️Time to live my life the way I see fit🙌🏾❤️ Just need to heal 1st from years of trauma, and bullying as well as injuries, allergies, obesity, depression, social anxiety, and being suicidal...
Same moves I'm making to...I'm healing from any hidden wounds and tryna live my life to the fullest. For the longest while I have hating myself, and i was ashamed of myself from early childhood teen cause I never felt like I fit and it made me feel like something was wrong with me. I always used to think that wasnt good enough to, at some point of my life going high school. I got fed up of living that life so now I'm learning to love myself more, trying to accept myself for who I am, positive self talk ect. I been doing this 8 months now and I have seen some improvements. You can live the life you want to live to Gillie87, love yourself because you are important, you deserve to live a happy life. You deserve to be free. Dont give up, you can do this..I 💯👍
Just wanted to share with you: Remember Jesus loves you and He is coming again. May we be ready by the Holy Spirit's help. He has made provision for YOU to be saved. May we be obedient to His 10 commandments. (John 3:16; Ecclesiastes 12:1-14; Revelation 20-22) Take care
So loved this! I'm a recovering doormat/people pleaser who married into a family of veeeerrrryy strong opinions. Not looking forward to the boundary issues that will come forward in raising children but these videos are helping me gain the tools I'll need to survive
This is so true, seeking approval and validation from others eventually becomes a crutch and inhibits us from living our best lives!! I hope you’re having a great week 💕
I turned 30 this month and this was the first Birthday where I felt like a full blown adult! The work of self differentiation is not easy but so worth it 💪🏾
Wonderful ... You open people's eyes... I hope their ears too! I see this so much around me. And even my mother kept being a child of her mother till grandma died . .. I think it has an effect on my mother's 4 boys... I left the house at 16... Not knowing I was HSP... Concluding; I never had a mother... My father was just fooling around with other women, so if you grew up without love and you still have the only example; your parents, who were never there for you.... You can't get a normal relationship... I didn't, until now at 65! Just be aware, mistakes are there to learn from... Julia, you're awesome, so clearyfying in your explaining.. ❤️
This is why social networks are full of selfy pictures and fullish stories..because people search for approval they are never self enough in anything..
I’ve been playing music live for over 40. Always in an ensemble. For two years I’ve been working to play solo. Feeling a little stronger, building confidence. Recently I was told I sounded like bad karaoke. Damn that hurt. I wish I could erase that moment. I’m no quitter. I appreciate your RUclips page. Thank you.
Approval seeking is something I have struggled with my entire life. I’m in my 30s and I am finally letting go of needing my parents approval for living my life. I was so scared to live the life I wanted for decades because of taking on my parents fears of what would happen if things turned out badly. It was emotionally draining and I became a shell of a person. I found my freedom from watching many videos like this one and realizing that there was something off with me and my family situation. First step is awareness of the unhealthy pattern and then deciding to cut out the middle man and make your own decisions. There are days I catch myself seeking approval from others, but that is usually my cue to do it anyway whether ppl like it or not.
Beautiful!!! My share, growing up with a narcissistic parent who's need for temporary ego hits motivates them to create conflict in conversations and interactions to from their perception "win". Being around someone who is an expert in all subjects and has answers for questions no one is asking is exhausting! I realized very early I was never going to receive validation b/c it wasn't about me. This was a double edged sword, but it set me free to continue with my life and trust my OWN judgment. If I want medical advice I ask my Dr., if I want information about my SUV I talk to the service department, when I need advice about my landscaping I ask the yard maintenance owner. Credible sources of information from professionals that work in the field make me feel reassured so I can make decisions. I am a "grown ass adult" My strategy for the narcissistic parent is disengage, disengage, disengage.
V wise. I have recently got sucked back in with my parents. It's still the same and I am in my 40's now. I need to go back to disengage disengage it makes me poorly x
I’m in this trap right now!!! I keep getting sucked back in and then I’ll disengage and feel wonderful and so empowered and as soon as I let my guard down a little bit I get sucked back in!! I’m realizing this pattern now and trying to navigate that... it’s fun. Interesting to say the least.
Trying to get confidence in your decisions through someone's approval is like trying to solve your problems with an alcohol. Yes, it will feel good for the evening, but the next morning you'll get sober and those problems still be there. So yeah, the one and only way to make decisions which impact your life in a way that YOU want is cut the cord of anyone's approval dependency.
Thanks. This is a good video. 13:46...Often parents tend to hang on to adult children, boys or girls...often it's about who you marry, where you live, the work you do, the friends you have... anybody going through this, it's really very common.
This reminds me of two situations in my life. The first was when I was 25 (I’m 26 now), bought an investment property with my brother, just earned my MA degree in education, and my then boyfriend proposed to me. I was so happy and excited but... I called my mom to tell her the news and... was not the reaction I needed\wanted to hear. It honestly ruined my whole engagement and my wedding planning. Deep down I thought I was making a mistake by getting married and it messed me up... I’m still messed up about it. The bright side is the virus stopping life and we were supposed to get married in June 2020. We pushed the wedding to May 2021 and I feel happier about getting married but I never doubted getting married until I called my mom when I got engaged and bawled my eyes out. The second situation was just recently when I decided to attend a protest in Los Angeles for the Black Lives Matter movement. Both my parents told me how dumb I was, how protesting doesn’t change anything, and it was pointless. But in that situation I wasn’t upset at my parents for thinking this way about me, I more saw it as funny in a way.. I realized that I didn’t need my parents approval to take action on some thing that I feel very strongly about. I also think a reason why my mom wasn’t happy about me getting married is because she didn’t see me as an adult, she still saw me as a little girl. However now that I’ve moved on my own our relationship is getting better and she is seeing me more as an adult. But I am still a little hurt about her initial reaction to my engagement. I’m learning though to let go :)
I constantly feel the need for approval from friends and family. Its almost like I'm not sure of my own thoughts or decisions. When someone is disappointed in me I feel it deep it's like a kick to the gut if there is a negative outcome.
I hear you. And I'm guessing you didn't get much of a chance to learn to listen to and trust yourself growing up. Relearning to trust ourselves does take work. Glad you're here Carla.
I fully understand that. At 55 I'm only starting to trust my own decisions now. I take criticism more lightly of late. My mother always had a sniff, shrug or comment. I was never allowed to trust my own desires and instincts and as a result I walked straight into the narcissists' arms. Multiple times. Wiser now and definitely less hurt. Happier too.
I really appreciate this topic and your video is so empowering. I grew up in a very religious and strict household. Therefore, my parents disapproval of my decisions was equivalency to God disapproving my choices. My mom would make comments, such as "God is not happy with you." Or "God told me you should live at home." As an adult in my 40s, I learned that these behaviors brought shame in my life and their behaviors were very manipulative. They don't have the authority to speak for God about my decisions. I hope in the future you can make a video on this topic of adults seeking approval from their religious parents.
This resonates so much for me. I am 47 and still seek my parents approval. I am independent but struggle with being more self reliant. I took a page of notes away from this and will start doing the work. Thank you.
The distinction between how men and women are socialised and the beliefs they develop & carry through their life was very interesting. I have found this with people I work with in the area of leadership and advancing in the workplace. There is a big difference between how men and women pursue their career and go after promotions, pay rises etc. It all stems from somewhere. Great video Julia!
What resonated more was the part when Julia mentions how angry/frustrated I get when I don't get the approval from my boss/parent/friend when I do something great... now I can identify when I'm on people-pleasing mode. Awesome Julia, thanks a lot.
I think another situation, if you "like" someone, a crush for example, you can fall into the trap of wanting their approval. I approve of this video! See you soon in Zoom Julia!
Struggled to get parent's approval. Also struggled to get kids' approval. Learning that I already have the approval of the only person whose opinion matters: me. Fortunately, partner is all in!
Hi, I'm Willow. I'm unusually good at not caring about other people's approval, I think partly because I have difficulty understanding the unspoken communication from other people, which means a lot of the time I don't know if someone approves of something I do or don't do. *Shrugs*. I'd soon die in the days when we needed the protection of the clan, but lucky for me, I don't live in those times. It's very freeing, being the way I am.
"...it's like Teflon, it will slide right off..." Without self trust you have no one to rely on, not even when you go to sleep. One of the hardest lessons is learning how to trust yourself with no other opinions taking precedent or stock in your value over yourself. That value is Yours, with or without you giving it away. It's hard to see that, it's hard finding out what that value means to you, and it's hard figuring out what to do with that value. But nonetheless, it's still yours, that value was made just for you, you don't deserve it or earn it, you just learn what to do with it and respect giving it away. One of the nice thing about not needing approval is it frees you up to see the true happiness that was stolen away from you as a child when you have a child. Of you see your child happy, know you are doing everything right as a parent, keeping kids happy is easy and it teaches those who had their childhood neglected or undermined is given a second chance when we have children ourselves. We get see what it's like to be young. Like watching nature shows. Own the credit of doing well and furthering your direction. Madame Kristina shows and teaches us how to deferentially separate between doing something for yourself vs wanting approval
Ohh my goodness I like your voice, so strong and commanding. Thank you for the video very helpful. I'm working on stopping these habits: getting approval, apologising (saying sorry), explaining myself.
Hi Julia, ty so much for your excellent video, this is one huge reason why my in-laws don’t talk to me anymore! I don’t need their approval for anything in my life, never did never will, not my problem, I approve of myself and my approval is the only approval I require, many people don’t like that or accept it, not my problem, my experience, regards, Bob,
Definitely what I needed to hear. I still seek approval from my parents and am trying to live my own life with my daughter and husband. I know that I have made some decisions such moving far away from my family and being stay at home mom. They didn’t agree with my decisions, but it was what was best for me. I have no regrets.
Before the first minute, you had my attention. It's difficult to choose which video I will watch next of yours. They all look as interesting as this one is. Have you realized how many people you can help with, I see on your channel, some of the worst life's problems in existence? I am so blessed with this finding. Thank you.
Thanks for this, Julia. Sometimes when I find my self nodding a lot, I can tell I’m trying too hard for approval. So I stop nodding, and silently start counting. Helps me.
Thank you Julia. A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. Vernon Howard 🙏🙏selfhelpchampion
Men are trained by society to base their self worth off of what they can do for society or their loved ones, not what they can do for themselves. Men who aren't able to care their family feel inept. So men seek others' approval as well. It's not fair to say that it only goes one way. Anyone who is just focused on themselves will be looked down upon by society as being selfish, regardless of gender.
Traditional systemic patriarchy socializes men to be the provider for his immediate dependents because it allows his lineage to continue. It's about him. This isn't a criticism of men - this is a commentary on systemic patriarchy. And this isn't a personal attack on anyone, I'm talking about patriarchal anthropology.
@@juliakristinamah so basically "men are totally selfish and seek only their own gain to climb to the top of the ladder for their own good and to further their lineage but not at all to provide for the family they care about. No offense tho" ok It IS NOT strictly about him and his lineage that's ridiculous . Fathers' provide because they actually care about their family if you are unaware. I miss the days before Julia got social justicey
The “boost” gained from seeking and getting approval is nothing compared to how it feels to not not need it. I need to remind myself of this daily. Love your videos.
This was a great video. I have always struggled to get the approval of my dad, and unfortunately now it has transferred over to trying to get the approval of my wife. I constantly ask if it is okay if I do something, or if she is happy with whatever I've done. I got a lot of good tips from this video. Her input is important, but not on every little thing I do.
This is one of my weakness because i seek approval within my family it's so hard to do things my way , but as a teen and late 20s i didnt care what anyone thought of me now im almost afraid to choose my own cloths without asking how does this look on me? or my hair, leaning to do as i please because i'm GROWN as been a working progress ..this was so helpful
I do realize where I am having issues. I have been accused of seeking validation and living for other people when it is the total opposite. My sense of self and self worth is what is causing issue. I am usually there for other people but when I have decided to take a step back and observe and also stand up for myself it has caused a lot of conflict. I do need to work on my depression though. I stopped buying into petty conflict and being used for others needs. I have a lot of narcissists to deal with and I have stopped people pleasing so it has caused issues over past few months and now I just need to work through this funk that I am in. Jus plainly taking a picture of myself during self care has caused issues. I just need need to learn how to not take accusations so personal. I think we all however will have some approval seeking.
This video was really helpful. May i give a video request? How about a video on growing up with a single parent especially without a dad and how does it affect oneself.
Thanks for the suggestion friend. The effects of being raised by a single parent is not my specialty, but if you google it, I"m sure you'll find something helpful.
FYI Julia, 𝒮𝓅𝑒𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓂𝓎𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻, 𝓁𝑜𝓁- I’m so glad, blessed, & happy for you ...that you 𝒸𝒽𝑜𝓈𝑒 (& 𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓃𝑒𝒹 to) what your innermost integrity & “bestest” deepest authentic Self|spirit of you relayed to yourself to DO for your life|career( including the mom portion, mixed in; “clean & classy”, *THAT you ARE! [*=𝓂𝓎 "𝒴𝑜𝒹𝒶 𝓉𝒶𝓁𝓀"...ℐ 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒾𝓉!] ) ...&! that you continue to follow thru upon it, too. BCUZ- firstly, it’s best for your own Selfcare, & also, you’ve blessed✨ so many others with your God-given gift & “YOUnique” relatable style of this deep shifting inner work stuff we all may find to choose to do by transcending at some point & time in this life, this side of eternity (!!) It renders that “showing up” status|state of BE-ing you speak of so often. ~Yay!🥳 •🎯👍🤗✨...ℬ𝒾𝑔 𝒜𝑔𝒶𝓅𝑒 ℋ𝓊𝑔𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒮𝓂𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝒶!!...𝒜𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈. ℱ𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝒜 ℱ𝑒𝓁𝓁𝑜𝓌 ℒ𝒾𝒻𝑒𝒞𝑜𝒶𝒸𝒽😌•
I know you already mentioned it earlier, but I just wanted to say that this definitely shows up for Men. Especially a BLACK man. If you show up in ways that aren’t considered acceptable or MASCULINE enough, you will ABSOLUTELY get rejected and ridiculed for it
Thankyou but what exactly does "going inside" mean & how do you do this PLEASE?? Perhaps it's more rejection/abandonment issues....which cause these feelings.
On the other hand, if it’s from strangers, I totally get what you’re saying. For example, I go for walks in the park to stay in shape and I like to wear fun clothes for it. There have been times when I was complimented on my clothes or told that I looked like a Barbie, and it made my day. Other times, everyone is just doing their own thing and I feel like, darn, no compliments this time, but I am still feeling good about taking the walk to stay in my best shape and looking my best as I do it, kinda like imagining myself strutting along a runway in sensible walking shoes.
I pulled back from my family over two years ago. They didn't even notice. LOL Recent events caused me to re-engage. I care about their wellbeing and reached out to make sure they knew I was available to help. I thought it was funny that my Mom mentioned my absence. She asked me this way "What the fuck is your problem?" I just told her I couldn't respond to the question the way she asked. She didn't really want to know, so why bother. 😄😆😂 Well, okay then... Moving on.
I have always been strong. Single. COVID hit. I nose dived. Met a guy then went weak and seeking his approval. Now.. How build up again for myself. A challenge for me.
I should just point out that men are and were taught to get for themselves mainly because they are considered breadwinners? (not JUST for themselves....???)
Hi Julia, I'm a Brazilian follower of your channel and I first accessed (it was really a long time ago) your video to practice English (which is really common in my country and I'm sorry for that), but it didn't take much for me to be really interested on your content and I can say that I'm a big fan of your job today. You have assertive strategies and a perfect point of view. Concerning others approval, it's really hard to say no, even to ourselves, and what you mentioned about responsability is so true, because sometimes we are really seeking for someone to take responsabilities for our choices which is not fair, right? Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and your thoughts with us. Greetings from São Paulo, Brazil!
So,... why am I 64, and still wanting my 85 yr. old parents approval.... because I don't feel good enough and feel like a bad person because my sister is their favorite, and always has to be the focus of attention because she does things that shine, and I don't.....*sigh*
I remember the day in 1993 when I told my parents I enlisted in the military. They didn’t just disapprove. They freaked out and were quite upset. I insisted it was something I needed to do for myself regardless of anyone’s approval. I retired from military service in 2014. I’d do it all again too. It was empowering to make that decision without seeking outside approval.
These points you shared really resonated with me. I struggle with codependence & it was like this vid was especially for me. Thank you so much for sharing - I have made notes & will be focusing on ‘getting curious’ when the red flags emerge. I have also signed up to get a notification for when the Shift Society opens again ☺️ It’s a hard process, but as long as I’m moving forward, even an inch at a time it’s a victory!
I am just going through a break up I'm 61 years old and the person I broke up with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my years with so it's been painful but you're podcast are amazing I'm so helpful. You delivery and pace and tone of voice are excellent. You're my go to right now like my new wise best friend. Thank you. Keep up the great work.
Hi Julia. It is a pleasure watching your videos. This is one thing that I have struggled with and still do struggle with doing consistently. I appreciate you making a video about needing approval. You made some very helpful points.
I do things without others approval first and without support but I get triggered when I see others getting it about stuff they are passionate about but I'm praising them because they deserve it. So, then I have thoughts about if I even belong on this earth. People want to be friends on social media with me but I don't think they care that I exist. Sorry I'm too sensitive so I bottle it up instead.
This is such a common sad disappointment to find in these helpful channels. When they get directed to women only. I'm here vibing deeply as a human being and then I hear the phrase "we as women are..." It triggers me because I was neglected and not socialized as anything, except as a survivor trying to get by. I feel left out by these overly narrowly directed resources. Believe me, all the men-specific resources are built around all the wrong socializations for me. This makes me sad.
in all honestly, your videos on such topics definitely have to be the most eye-opening ones. I am amazed at how much I can resonate with somebody sitting miles apart even when I haven't been able to understand half these things myself, but after hearing you mention these things something struck me and I went like hold up simone, this is exactly what is happening with you or this is where you're going wrong, thank you so much for these videos. I am a 16 yr old and the learning I'm gaining from somebody experienced as you is just beautiful!
I got news for you: men (and people who are socialized as men) are ALSO trained to believe that their value and worth comes from what they can do for others. For a man to be a good husband, he's expected to earn more than his wife and commit to a job (no matter how dangerous or boring it may be) so he can be a 'good provider.' And the entrepreneurial men also need to be sensitive to the whims of others, because unless they bribe the state into forcing people to buy their products or services, no one will do so unless the entrepreneur can offer a product or service that others are willing to pay for.
I was in an abusive marriage for 21 years and at 41 I left him as I'd spent a few years building myself up and working on my self esteem ready to kick him out. 4 months after I got in a relationship with an Asperger's man. I know my family question if it's a rebound thing o can understand that but it's not. They think he's not clever enough for me and even though they like him they don't understand his Asperger's traits and think he's not very clever. The old me would have questioned everything and felt like I had to prove his worth and that it's what I want but I'm not doing any of that. I'm just respecting there concern and getting on with my choices it's not for anyone to understand what I see in him or why we are together.
I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and only left in my late 30's. This was the first time that I had made what was a life changing decision, which was met with major disapproval from my narcisstic mother and some family members. It has been a traumatic experience and I know that I need to break this reliance on approval from others.
Hi and happy new year! Again I I must say thank you for your help! I have so changed my life and you have helped in such a great way thanks again I’ll always revisit (you’re like a beautiful smart sister) thanks again!
Hi and happy new year! Again I I must say thank you for your help! I have so changed my life and you have helped in such a great way thanks again I’ll always revisit (you’re like a beautiful smart sister) thanks again!
I was born and raised to be my Mother's constant companion,,,,,I didn't realize I was mislead by my parents until their deaths, I rec'd many cards and letters from the friends address to me. Telling me it was awful how I was treated by my parents. IDK.
Well approval can be subjective depending on the circumstances. Like going to a specific side of town or where you go. That is just rediculaus. Also when you have others trying to direct where how when. At some point it qheres on you
This video has really helped me. I don’t need my coworkers approval to make decisions to do my job, like I thought I did. Julia is right, it doesn’t make me feel good for very long. It comes down to my confidence or lack of confidence where I need to do the inner work to see that I am capable even if my decisions are different from theirs and it is ok. Thank you Julia
Is that a Canadian accent im hearing every now and then in your voice ? Im kind of new to your channel and im on a binge watching of your videos tonight and finding them very helpful. I do not know if your in the USA or Canada but I think I should let you know that they have invented colour. Just my silly homour there. I think black and white videos are kind of cool. They remind me when I was a kid with a black and white TV that only had three TV channels.
Great video, I’ve realized in the past I was always codependent in past relationships. With my new girlfriend everything is going so much better than ever because I’ve realized my codependent behavior in the past and watch your videos to not be. I give her space and let her live her life and I try to stay busy with work and weightlifting so I don’t depend on her affection and validation to make me happy, takes all the pressure off a relationship, I just go with the flow now and try not to force anything with my new relationship
Wonderful commentary regarding ceasing the seeking of parental approval. From a seventy year old parent just now learning boundaries, it's also quite a leap to wear the new garment of not having responsibility for what I have no rights or authority over. I approve.
Because I was raised to care what others think, so I rarely say No to others. As a Realtor 21 years my clients ( my fault) abusive and want more and more and I don’t say no........
Thank you for this!!! all my life I sought people's approval to feel good. so now , that is totally changing....Keep doing what I love to do and that is all that matters!
A lot of the time my coworkers maybe even BOSS will not acknowledge how hard I work. They make it sound like I do nothing and probably the bear minimum but I'm the only one that dont take breaks or go outside to get air I just keep working. A lot of time theres no one else I'm only one that can do orders but from coworkers pov there are no orders it's not busy but from mine I'm doing order after order and when theres no orders I'm cooking bacon or washing dishes or whatever. Only time go outside is to fi trash recently I've been trying to go to bathroom when I fi iut ti do that lol. Sometimes get approval a lot time I'm criticizing lol
My ex wife didn't get the memo about helping others. I spent 8 months working 7 days a week to buy a business so I can raise my twins fast forward to the first grade she said she needed to find herself fast forward my son and daughter are freshmen I started reading philosophy/psychology a couple of years ago because a man can't be a mother and and women can't replace a father. My daughter's wants to be a engineer and my son who wants to be Psychologist Focusing on Analytical psychology and since he's the only person with same levels of compassion for others . I don't think my daughter got an memo's and raising a daughter is completely different but she loves to fight and my son has so my testosterone at 15 but his empathy and compassion causes us to suffer and it was until he started becoming a and finely cried and he's being touch inappropriately by women and just because you come and see me doesn't give a woman if I said for a week on the phone you don't have the right right to take your g Clothes of
You don't need anyones Approval. But your own. ☺️😊💖We are doing things to get approval. We do what others want us to do. Not what we want to do. That is not right.
A girl at my church always asking me for a ride and I tell her yes because it is someone they need help. But sometimes I think why she always asking me for a ride it’s plenty people in church that have cars. She don’t call me often or I don’t hang out with her. She only call me when she need something. Should I start saying no?
Hi Julia, love your videos! New subscriber as of recently. What are your thoughts on ruminations randomly popping up because we want validation by others?
Julia you’re a blessing. My therapist dropped the bomb on me towards the end of the session and now my world is upside down. These videos are very grounding. Bless you and your journey
I think sometimes you are talking about support from others and it is very different than approval. Support wants someone to be there and encourage, listen and believe in. I am trying to do some bold things in life, my family is so toxic I broke all contact almost five years ago. I would like to have support, that support means holding one accountable. If there are legitimate problems someone sees I want to hear about it, I do not want people that appear to support because they approve but would never ask the hard questions that could offend me. I am seeing many times approval comes from those who cannot do the things in life they were told they could never do and they want approval. I am tired of approval, it does not step in and ask the hard questions or help when it is really needed. I would like to hear something powerful on finding a community that supports one. My husband looks supportive to the world out in public and at home he rips me apart... Yeah he is a covert narcissist all the boxes are checked on that one.
you video is great, it touch me. we live so long with "bad type of thinking" and when I see this videos it touch me. I have tattoo and piercing and before I put it, I was asking people what they think about it ? It is a style from approval. But is my live , my body I have to take the decision to do what I want
I think this can be used in marriages too. Seeking approval is the basis of seeking affection and attention. Especially when you want that from your significant other so badly. My husband and I are in a bad place from covid and the extra strain on the marriage but he was already prewired to not be very emotional and when he ices over its a cold cruel time for weeks. Its emotionally exhausting to want their cooperation and approval to try to move on. He will treat me nicely and with love willingly or he wont. I have no expectations so I have to work on not approval seeking.
I find myself doing these things a lot when it comes to my parents, especially when it comes to the matter of my career choice. I have not told them the career I want to pursue yet because I know they’re not going to fully approve of it. Not only that, but the career is unstable, so I will have to live with family for a while if I pursue it. I’m also a recent college graduate who does not have enough money or life skills to live on her own. Anyway, if that made any sense, do you have any advice for me in this situation?
I remember the day when I realized my parent’s advice was based entirely on protecting their own self interest. They meant well, but they wanted me to avoid taking any risks at all costs. Not feasible. I secretly stopped listening to them.
I had a similar realization, but slightly different. My parents still believe to this day that the world around them operates in the same ways that it when they were young. That want me to act in all of the ways that were relevant fifty years ago but are foreign to todays world. It took me a longtime to get over the resentment of them giving me crappy advice that I had to learn was garbage by failing over and over. I thought that there was something wrong with me! Nope.
@@lovedaddy1582 agreed
I've really been working on not needing to explain myself to people this year. I remember a teenage version of myself that never needed approval from others and somewhere in my early 20's that all changed. Bringing your self-worth/esteem back to yourself is a journey but one worth investing in!
Similar story with me, but I noticed in my 40s..especially at work
OMG I do this... it’s annoying and I don’t know why I do it! I also feel the need to explain why I’m doing something like a defense. I need to build my self esteem for sure ~Sandy P
Similar for me
Same here. How did I shift from being so bold to feeling the need of approval or feeling afraid of the result of my own decisions?
This is so true!
I've just turned 55 and I'm only NOW starting to break out of that approval trap. I've had to get to the point of having minimal ties so that very little can keep me trapped.
GOOD for you for doing it now Ally.
Yes, totally relate to you.😊
WAY TO GO!! I hear you loud and clear!!
My motto: DO IT BECAUSE THEY SAID YOU COULDN’T !!
@@juliakristinamah Thankyou Julia, I am 55 & find I am triggered by rejection/men "what is wrong with me" what does it actually mean " to go within" & how exactly do I do this PLEASE??
It's easy to tell yourself positive things/talk, but through limiting beliefs it doesn't work, so how do you break limiting beliefs?? 🙏🙏
Yup my parents. But now that I cut my toxic, and abusive family out no more‼️Time to live my life the way I see fit🙌🏾❤️ Just need to heal 1st from years of trauma, and bullying as well as injuries, allergies, obesity, depression, social anxiety, and being suicidal...
Same moves I'm making to...I'm healing from any hidden wounds and tryna live my life to the fullest. For the longest while I have hating myself, and i was ashamed of myself from early childhood teen cause I never felt like I fit and it made me feel like something was wrong with me. I always used to think that wasnt good enough to, at some point of my life going high school. I got fed up of living that life so now I'm learning to love myself more, trying to accept myself for who I am, positive self talk ect. I been doing this 8 months now and I have seen some improvements. You can live the life you want to live to Gillie87, love yourself because you are important, you deserve to live a happy life. You deserve to be free. Dont give up, you can do this..I 💯👍
Toxic parents can be really hard to deal with. I'm 55 and I struggled with the problem most my life. I hear you! 😁👍
Just wanted to share with you:
Remember Jesus loves you and He is coming again. May we be ready by the Holy Spirit's help. He has made provision for YOU to be saved. May we be obedient to His 10 commandments. (John 3:16; Ecclesiastes 12:1-14; Revelation 20-22) Take care
So loved this! I'm a recovering doormat/people pleaser who married into a family of veeeerrrryy strong opinions. Not looking forward to the boundary issues that will come forward in raising children but these videos are helping me gain the tools I'll need to survive
Maya Iske Always go with your gut feelings. You know what’s best for you and your children.
This is so true, seeking approval and validation from others eventually becomes a crutch and inhibits us from living our best lives!! I hope you’re having a great week 💕
You too friend. I always appreciate your thoughtful responses.
Julia Kristina Counselling Thank you so much friend, it makes me happy to hear that. :)
I turned 30 this month and this was the first Birthday where I felt like a full blown adult! The work of self differentiation is not easy but so worth it 💪🏾
I hear you! And agree 100%
How did you achieve it?
I needed this. I am 43 years old and still need my parents' approval.
I hear you sis. It doesn't go away with age - but with healing and intention and action.
Wonderful ... You open people's eyes... I hope their ears too! I see this so much around me. And even my mother kept being a child of her mother till grandma died . .. I think it has an effect on my mother's 4 boys... I left the house at 16... Not knowing I was HSP... Concluding; I never had a mother... My father was just fooling around with other women, so if you grew up without love and you still have the only example; your parents, who were never there for you.... You can't get a normal relationship... I didn't, until now at 65! Just be aware, mistakes are there to learn from...
Julia, you're awesome, so clearyfying in your explaining.. ❤️
I’m working on this journey! It’s not easy. ~Sandy P
I an 55. I understand.
i’m 27 and i feel so afraid to go against what my parents might want.
This is why social networks are full of selfy pictures and fullish stories..because people search for approval they are never self enough in anything..
I’ve been playing music live for over 40. Always in an ensemble. For two years I’ve been working to play solo. Feeling a little stronger, building confidence. Recently I was told I sounded like bad karaoke. Damn that hurt. I wish I could erase that moment. I’m no quitter. I appreciate your RUclips page. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this! You posted it in a time of my life when I really needed to hear this. ❤️🍀
Yes! Seems like she's inside my spirit... She is always on time!
Hi
Really glad it connected with you Elena, and that you're doing the work!
I can say the same!
Approval seeking is something I have struggled with my entire life. I’m in my 30s and I am finally letting go of needing my parents approval for living my life. I was so scared to live the life I wanted for decades because of taking on my parents fears of what would happen if things turned out badly. It was emotionally draining and I became a shell of a person. I found my freedom from watching many videos like this one and realizing that there was something off with me and my family situation. First step is awareness of the unhealthy pattern and then deciding to cut out the middle man and make your own decisions. There are days I catch myself seeking approval from others, but that is usually my cue to do it anyway whether ppl like it or not.
Beautiful!!! My share, growing up with a narcissistic parent who's need for temporary ego hits motivates them to create conflict in conversations and interactions to from their perception "win". Being around someone who is an expert in all subjects and has answers for questions no one is asking is exhausting! I realized very early I was never going to receive validation b/c it wasn't about me. This was a double edged sword, but it set me free to continue with my life and trust my OWN judgment. If I want medical advice I ask my Dr., if I want information about my SUV I talk to the service department, when I need advice about my landscaping I ask the yard maintenance owner. Credible sources of information from professionals that work in the field make me feel reassured so I can make decisions. I am a "grown ass adult" My strategy for the narcissistic parent is disengage, disengage, disengage.
Craig Merkey I can SO relate to your story 🙏🏼
V wise. I have recently got sucked back in with my parents. It's still the same and I am in my 40's now. I need to go back to disengage disengage it makes me poorly x
Wise advice! Thanks for sharing!
I’m in this trap right now!!! I keep getting sucked back in and then I’ll disengage and feel wonderful and so empowered and as soon as I let my guard down a little bit I get sucked back in!! I’m realizing this pattern now and trying to navigate that... it’s fun. Interesting to say the least.
Trying to get confidence in your decisions through someone's approval is like trying to solve your problems with an alcohol. Yes, it will feel good for the evening, but the next morning you'll get sober and those problems still be there. So yeah, the one and only way to make decisions which impact your life in a way that YOU want is cut the cord of anyone's approval dependency.
Thanks. This is a good video.
13:46...Often parents tend to hang on to adult children, boys or girls...often it's about who you marry, where you live, the work you do, the friends you have... anybody going through this, it's really very common.
This reminds me of two situations in my life. The first was when I was 25 (I’m 26 now), bought an investment property with my brother, just earned my MA degree in education, and my then boyfriend proposed to me. I was so happy and excited but... I called my mom to tell her the news and... was not the reaction I needed\wanted to hear. It honestly ruined my whole engagement and my wedding planning. Deep down I thought I was making a mistake by getting married and it messed me up... I’m still messed up about it. The bright side is the virus stopping life and we were supposed to get married in June 2020. We pushed the wedding to May 2021 and I feel happier about getting married but I never doubted getting married until I called my mom when I got engaged and bawled my eyes out. The second situation was just recently when I decided to attend a protest in Los Angeles for the Black Lives Matter movement. Both my parents told me how dumb I was, how protesting doesn’t change anything, and it was pointless. But in that situation I wasn’t upset at my parents for thinking this way about me, I more saw it as funny in a way.. I realized that I didn’t need my parents approval to take action on some thing that I feel very strongly about. I also think a reason why my mom wasn’t happy about me getting married is because she didn’t see me as an adult, she still saw me as a little girl. However now that I’ve moved on my own our relationship is getting better and she is seeing me more as an adult. But I am still a little hurt about her initial reaction to my engagement. I’m learning though to let go :)
I constantly feel the need for approval from friends and family. Its almost like I'm not sure of my own thoughts or decisions. When someone is disappointed in me I feel it deep it's like a kick to the gut if there is a negative outcome.
I hear you. And I'm guessing you didn't get much of a chance to learn to listen to and trust yourself growing up. Relearning to trust ourselves does take work. Glad you're here Carla.
I fully understand that. At 55 I'm only starting to trust my own decisions now. I take criticism more lightly of late. My mother always had a sniff, shrug or comment. I was never allowed to trust my own desires and instincts and as a result I walked straight into the narcissists' arms. Multiple times. Wiser now and definitely less hurt. Happier too.
I really appreciate this topic and your video is so empowering. I grew up in a very religious and strict household. Therefore, my parents disapproval of my decisions was equivalency to God disapproving my choices. My mom would make comments, such as "God is not happy with you." Or "God told me you should live at home." As an adult in my 40s, I learned that these behaviors brought shame in my life and their behaviors were very manipulative. They don't have the authority to speak for God about my decisions. I hope in the future you can make a video on this topic of adults seeking approval from their religious parents.
I struggle with this . Even when I know I shouldn't seek approval of people whose values are starkly different than mine.
This resonates so much for me. I am 47 and still seek my parents approval. I am independent but struggle with being more self reliant. I took a page of notes away from this and will start doing the work. Thank you.
The distinction between how men and women are socialised and the beliefs they develop & carry through their life was very interesting. I have found this with people I work with in the area of leadership and advancing in the workplace. There is a big difference between how men and women pursue their career and go after promotions, pay rises etc. It all stems from somewhere. Great video Julia!
What resonated more was the part when Julia mentions how angry/frustrated I get when I don't get the approval from my boss/parent/friend when I do something great... now I can identify when I'm on people-pleasing mode. Awesome Julia, thanks a lot.
I think another situation, if you "like" someone, a crush for example, you can fall into the trap of wanting their approval. I approve of this video! See you soon in Zoom Julia!
Struggled to get parent's approval. Also struggled to get kids' approval. Learning that I already have the approval of the only person whose opinion matters: me. Fortunately, partner is all in!
The only time in life where you need to behave like you're at a job interview is when you actually are.
Good point!
Going back and reviewing MANY of your older videos. Still... helping me SO MUCH!
Hi, I'm Willow. I'm unusually good at not caring about other people's approval, I think partly because I have difficulty understanding the unspoken communication from other people, which means a lot of the time I don't know if someone approves of something I do or don't do. *Shrugs*. I'd soon die in the days when we needed the protection of the clan, but lucky for me, I don't live in those times. It's very freeing, being the way I am.
yes approval from parent still deal with it but gotta do you and we are adults THANK YOU for reminder xo
"...it's like Teflon, it will slide right off..." Without self trust you have no one to rely on, not even when you go to sleep. One of the hardest lessons is learning how to trust yourself with no other opinions taking precedent or stock in your value over yourself. That value is Yours, with or without you giving it away. It's hard to see that, it's hard finding out what that value means to you, and it's hard figuring out what to do with that value. But nonetheless, it's still yours, that value was made just for you, you don't deserve it or earn it, you just learn what to do with it and respect giving it away.
One of the nice thing about not needing approval is it frees you up to see the true happiness that was stolen away from you as a child when you have a child. Of you see your child happy, know you are doing everything right as a parent, keeping kids happy is easy and it teaches those who had their childhood neglected or undermined is given a second chance when we have children ourselves. We get see what it's like to be young. Like watching nature shows. Own the credit of doing well and furthering your direction.
Madame Kristina shows and teaches us how to deferentially separate between doing something for yourself vs wanting approval
Ohh my goodness I like your voice, so strong and commanding. Thank you for the video very helpful. I'm working on stopping these habits: getting approval, apologising (saying sorry), explaining myself.
Julia you are an amazing refreshment for me in helping myself to re-learn what is suffocating my life...thank you!
Hi Julia, ty so much for your excellent video, this is one huge reason why my in-laws don’t talk to me anymore! I don’t need their approval for anything in my life, never did never will, not my problem, I approve of myself and my approval is the only approval I require, many people don’t like that or accept it, not my problem, my experience, regards, Bob,
This one was good,at the end of day it all about yourself!
Definitely what I needed to hear.
I still seek approval from my parents and am trying to live my own life with my daughter and husband.
I know that I have made some decisions such moving far away from my family and being stay at home mom. They didn’t agree with my decisions, but it was what was best for me. I have no regrets.
Before the first minute, you had my attention. It's difficult to choose which video I will watch next of yours. They all look as interesting as this one is. Have you realized how many people you can help with, I see on your channel, some of the worst life's problems in existence? I am so blessed with this finding. Thank you.
Glad you're here Gabriel - and thank you for your kind words.
These types of videos won’t matter unless you grab a pen and paper and write the content and revise it whenever you can
Great suggestion!
Julia Kristina Counselling thanks, I always write notes when you give advice. Your advice keeps on bettering my life💜
Hi Julia, great topic today 👍🏼
Thanks for this, Julia. Sometimes when I find my self nodding a lot, I can tell I’m trying too hard for approval. So I stop nodding, and silently start counting. Helps me.
Thank you Julia. A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. Vernon Howard 🙏🙏selfhelpchampion
Ouuu, I like that.
My name is Crystal and I'm new here. I love your video's. It helps me a lot.
Men are trained by society to base their self worth off of what they can do for society or their loved ones, not what they can do for themselves. Men who aren't able to care their family feel inept. So men seek others' approval as well. It's not fair to say that it only goes one way. Anyone who is just focused on themselves will be looked down upon by society as being selfish, regardless of gender.
Yes why is that?
Traditional systemic patriarchy socializes men to be the provider for his immediate dependents because it allows his lineage to continue. It's about him.
This isn't a criticism of men - this is a commentary on systemic patriarchy. And this isn't a personal attack on anyone, I'm talking about patriarchal anthropology.
@@juliakristinamah so basically "men are totally selfish and seek only their own gain to climb to the top of the ladder for their own good and to further their lineage but not at all to provide for the family they care about. No offense tho" ok
It IS NOT strictly about him and his lineage that's ridiculous . Fathers' provide because they actually care about their family if you are unaware.
I miss the days before Julia got social justicey
The “boost” gained from seeking and getting approval is nothing compared to how it feels to not not need it. I need to remind myself of this daily. Love your videos.
This was a great video. I have always struggled to get the approval of my dad, and unfortunately now it has transferred over to trying to get the approval of my wife. I constantly ask if it is okay if I do something, or if she is happy with whatever I've done. I got a lot of good tips from this video. Her input is important, but not on every little thing I do.
I enjoyed this and really needed it at this time ☘️🌸🌼
Glad it connected sis.
Cut the middle man..wow.
you are the best.thanks.. one strong hug for u✌
This is one of my weakness because i seek approval within my family it's so hard to do things my way , but as a teen and late 20s i didnt care what anyone thought of me now im almost afraid to choose my own cloths without asking how does this look on me? or my hair, leaning to do as i please because i'm GROWN as been a working progress ..this was so helpful
I do realize where I am having issues. I have been accused of seeking validation and living for other people when it is the total opposite. My sense of self and self worth is what is causing issue. I am usually there for other people but when I have decided to take a step back and observe and also stand up for myself it has caused a lot of conflict. I do need to work on my depression though. I stopped buying into petty conflict and being used for others needs. I have a lot of narcissists to deal with and I have stopped people pleasing so it has caused issues over past few months and now I just need to work through this funk that I am in. Jus plainly taking a picture of myself during self care has caused issues. I just need need to learn how to not take accusations so personal. I think we all however will have some approval seeking.
This video really speaks to me.
This video was really helpful. May i give a video request? How about a video on growing up with a single parent especially without a dad and how does it affect oneself.
Thanks for the suggestion friend. The effects of being raised by a single parent is not my specialty, but if you google it, I"m sure you'll find something helpful.
Really helpful channel! Thank you.
I refuse to give people power over me from now on throughout the rest of 2020!☺😊😀😛😁😁😁😁😁😁😀
FYI Julia,
𝒮𝓅𝑒𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓂𝓎𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻, 𝓁𝑜𝓁-
I’m so glad, blessed, & happy for you ...that you 𝒸𝒽𝑜𝓈𝑒 (& 𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓃𝑒𝒹 to) what your innermost integrity & “bestest” deepest authentic Self|spirit of you relayed to yourself to DO for your life|career( including the mom portion, mixed in; “clean & classy”, *THAT you ARE!
[*=𝓂𝓎 "𝒴𝑜𝒹𝒶 𝓉𝒶𝓁𝓀"...ℐ 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒾𝓉!] )
...&! that you continue to follow thru upon it, too.
BCUZ- firstly, it’s best for your own Selfcare, & also, you’ve blessed✨
so many others with your God-given gift & “YOUnique” relatable style of this deep shifting inner work stuff we all may find to choose to do by transcending at some point & time in this life, this side of eternity (!!)
It renders that “showing up”
status|state of BE-ing you speak
of so often. ~Yay!🥳
•🎯👍🤗✨...ℬ𝒾𝑔 𝒜𝑔𝒶𝓅𝑒 ℋ𝓊𝑔𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒮𝓂𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝒶!!...𝒜𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈. ℱ𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝒜 ℱ𝑒𝓁𝓁𝑜𝓌 ℒ𝒾𝒻𝑒𝒞𝑜𝒶𝒸𝒽😌•
It took a while for me to live freely. It feels great when it did. Unlearning might be the hardest thing to do.
I know you already mentioned it earlier, but I just wanted to say that this definitely shows up for Men. Especially a BLACK man. If you show up in ways that aren’t considered acceptable or MASCULINE enough, you will ABSOLUTELY get rejected and ridiculed for it
Back again and listen to all
Thankyou but what exactly does "going inside" mean & how do you do this PLEASE?? Perhaps it's more rejection/abandonment issues....which cause these feelings.
On the other hand, if it’s from strangers, I totally get what you’re saying.
For example, I go for walks in the park to stay in shape and I like to wear fun clothes for it.
There have been times when I was complimented on my clothes or told that I looked like a Barbie, and it made my day.
Other times, everyone is just doing their own thing and I feel like, darn, no compliments this time, but I am still feeling good about taking the walk to stay in my best shape and looking my best as I do it, kinda like imagining myself strutting along a runway in sensible walking shoes.
I pulled back from my family over two years ago. They didn't even notice. LOL Recent events caused me to re-engage. I care about their wellbeing and reached out to make sure they knew I was available to help. I thought it was funny that my Mom mentioned my absence. She asked me this way "What the fuck is your problem?" I just told her I couldn't respond to the question the way she asked. She didn't really want to know, so why bother. 😄😆😂 Well, okay then... Moving on.
Or avoiding disapproval for me with my dad.
I have always been strong. Single. COVID hit. I nose dived. Met a guy then went weak and seeking his approval. Now.. How build up again for myself. A challenge for me.
I should just point out that men are and were taught to get for themselves mainly because they are considered breadwinners? (not JUST for themselves....???)
Hi Julia, I'm a Brazilian follower of your channel and I first accessed (it was really a long time ago) your video to practice English (which is really common in my country and I'm sorry for that), but it didn't take much for me to be really interested on your content and I can say that I'm a big fan of your job today. You have assertive strategies and a perfect point of view. Concerning others approval, it's really hard to say no, even to ourselves, and what you mentioned about responsability is so true, because sometimes we are really seeking for someone to take responsabilities for our choices which is not fair, right? Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and your thoughts with us. Greetings from São Paulo, Brazil!
So,... why am I 64, and still wanting my 85 yr. old parents approval.... because I don't feel good enough and feel like a bad person because my sister is their favorite, and always has to be the focus of attention because she does things that shine, and I don't.....*sigh*
I remember the day in 1993 when I told my parents I enlisted in the military. They didn’t just disapprove. They freaked out and were quite upset. I insisted it was something I needed to do for myself regardless of anyone’s approval. I retired from military service in 2014. I’d do it all again too. It was empowering to make that decision without seeking outside approval.
These points you shared really resonated with me. I struggle with codependence & it was like this vid was especially for me. Thank you so much for sharing - I have made notes & will be focusing on ‘getting curious’ when the red flags emerge. I have also signed up to get a notification for when the Shift Society opens again ☺️ It’s a hard process, but as long as I’m moving forward, even an inch at a time it’s a victory!
I am just going through a break up I'm 61 years old and the person I broke up with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my years with so it's been painful but you're podcast are amazing I'm so helpful. You delivery and pace and tone of voice are excellent. You're my go to right now like my new wise best friend. Thank you. Keep up the great work.
Hi Julia. It is a pleasure watching your videos. This is one thing that I have struggled with and still do struggle with doing consistently. I appreciate you making a video about needing approval. You made some very helpful points.
Oh Ms. Julia, I'm 61 and I have wasted my life. What do I do with this grief and sorrow? The two people I struggle with aren't going anywhere.
I do things without others approval first and without support but I get triggered when I see others getting it about stuff they are passionate about but I'm praising them because they deserve it. So, then I have thoughts about if I even belong on this earth. People want to be friends on social media with me but I don't think they care that I exist. Sorry I'm too sensitive so I bottle it up instead.
This is such a common sad disappointment to find in these helpful channels. When they get directed to women only. I'm here vibing deeply as a human being and then I hear the phrase "we as women are..."
It triggers me because I was neglected and not socialized as anything, except as a survivor trying to get by. I feel left out by these overly narrowly directed resources. Believe me, all the men-specific resources are built around all the wrong socializations for me. This makes me sad.
in all honestly, your videos on such topics definitely have to be the most eye-opening ones. I am amazed at how much I can resonate with somebody sitting miles apart even when I haven't been able to understand half these things myself, but after hearing you mention these things something struck me and I went like hold up simone, this is exactly what is happening with you or this is where you're going wrong, thank you so much for these videos. I am a 16 yr old and the learning I'm gaining from somebody experienced as you is just beautiful!
I got news for you: men (and people who are socialized as men) are ALSO trained to believe that their value and worth comes from what they can do for others. For a man to be a good husband, he's expected to earn more than his wife and commit to a job (no matter how dangerous or boring it may be) so he can be a 'good provider.' And the entrepreneurial men also need to be sensitive to the whims of others, because unless they bribe the state into forcing people to buy their products or services, no one will do so unless the entrepreneur can offer a product or service that others are willing to pay for.
I was in an abusive marriage for 21 years and at 41 I left him as I'd spent a few years building myself up and working on my self esteem ready to kick him out. 4 months after I got in a relationship with an Asperger's man. I know my family question if it's a rebound thing o can understand that but it's not. They think he's not clever enough for me and even though they like him they don't understand his Asperger's traits and think he's not very clever. The old me would have questioned everything and felt like I had to prove his worth and that it's what I want but I'm not doing any of that. I'm just respecting there concern and getting on with my choices it's not for anyone to understand what I see in him or why we are together.
I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and only left in my late 30's. This was the first time that I had made what was a life changing decision, which was met with major disapproval from my narcisstic mother and some family members. It has been a traumatic experience and I know that I need to break this reliance on approval from others.
Hi and happy new year! Again I I must say thank you for your help! I have so changed my life and you have helped in such a great way thanks again I’ll always revisit (you’re like a beautiful smart sister) thanks again!
Hi and happy new year! Again I I must say thank you for your help! I have so changed my life and you have helped in such a great way thanks again I’ll always revisit (you’re like a beautiful smart sister) thanks again!
I was born and raised to be my Mother's constant companion,,,,,I didn't realize I was mislead by my parents until their deaths, I rec'd many cards and letters from the friends address to me. Telling me it was awful how I was treated by my parents. IDK.
Well approval can be subjective depending on the circumstances. Like going to a specific side of town or where you go. That is just rediculaus. Also when you have others trying to direct where how when. At some point it qheres on you
This video has really helped me. I don’t need my coworkers approval to make decisions to do my job, like I thought I did. Julia is right, it doesn’t make me feel good for very long. It comes down to my confidence or lack of confidence where I need to do the inner work to see that I am capable even if my decisions are different from theirs and it is ok. Thank you Julia
Is that a Canadian accent im hearing every now and then in your voice ?
Im kind of new to your channel and im on a binge watching of your videos tonight and finding them very helpful.
I do not know if your in the USA or Canada but I think I should let you know that they have invented colour. Just my silly homour there. I think black and white videos are kind of cool. They remind me when I was a kid with a black and white TV that only had three TV channels.
Great video, I’ve realized in the past I was always codependent in past relationships. With my new girlfriend everything is going so much better than ever because I’ve realized my codependent behavior in the past and watch your videos to not be. I give her space and let her live her life and I try to stay busy with work and weightlifting so I don’t depend on her affection and validation to make me happy, takes all the pressure off a relationship, I just go with the flow now and try not to force anything with my new relationship
Wonderful commentary regarding ceasing the seeking of parental approval. From a seventy year old parent just now learning boundaries, it's also quite a leap to wear the new garment of not having responsibility for what I have no rights or authority over. I approve.
Because I was raised to care what others think, so I rarely say No to others. As a Realtor 21 years my clients ( my fault) abusive and want more and more and I don’t say no........
Thank you for this!!! all my life I sought people's approval to feel good. so now , that is totally changing....Keep doing what I love to do and that is all that matters!
A lot of the time my coworkers maybe even BOSS will not acknowledge how hard I work. They make it sound like I do nothing and probably the bear minimum but I'm the only one that dont take breaks or go outside to get air I just keep working. A lot of time theres no one else I'm only one that can do orders but from coworkers pov there are no orders it's not busy but from mine I'm doing order after order and when theres no orders I'm cooking bacon or washing dishes or whatever. Only time go outside is to fi trash recently I've been trying to go to bathroom when I fi iut ti do that lol. Sometimes get approval a lot time I'm criticizing lol
My ex wife didn't get the memo about helping others. I spent 8 months working 7 days a week to buy a business so I can raise my twins fast forward to the first grade she said she needed to find herself fast forward my son and daughter are freshmen I started reading philosophy/psychology a couple of years ago because a man can't be a mother and and women can't replace a father. My daughter's wants to be a engineer and my son who wants to be Psychologist
Focusing on Analytical psychology and since he's the only person with same levels of compassion for others . I don't think my daughter got an memo's and raising a daughter is completely different but she loves to fight and my son has so my testosterone at 15 but his empathy and compassion causes us to suffer and it was until he started becoming a and finely cried and he's being touch inappropriately by women and just because you come and see me doesn't give a woman if I said for a week on the phone you don't have the right right to take your g
Clothes of
Perfect time for me😍thankyou beautifull sunshine🌟🌟🌹🌹😘
I decided not to comment.... Because I would be seeking your approval😒
You don't need anyones Approval. But your own. ☺️😊💖We are doing things to get approval. We do what others want us to do. Not what we want to do. That is not right.
A girl at my church always asking me for a ride and I tell her yes because it is someone they need help. But sometimes I think why she always asking me for a ride it’s plenty people in church that have cars. She don’t call me often or I don’t hang out with her. She only call me when she need something. Should I start saying no?
Hi Julia, love your videos! New subscriber as of recently. What are your thoughts on ruminations randomly popping up because we want validation by others?
Julia you’re a blessing. My therapist dropped the bomb on me towards the end of the session and now my world is upside down. These videos are very grounding. Bless you and your journey
I think sometimes you are talking about support from others and it is very different than approval. Support wants someone to be there and encourage, listen and believe in. I am trying to do some bold things in life, my family is so toxic I broke all contact almost five years ago. I would like to have support, that support means holding one accountable. If there are legitimate problems someone sees I want to hear about it, I do not want people that appear to support because they approve but would never ask the hard questions that could offend me. I am seeing many times approval comes from those who cannot do the things in life they were told they could never do and they want approval. I am tired of approval, it does not step in and ask the hard questions or help when it is really needed. I would like to hear something powerful on finding a community that supports one. My husband looks supportive to the world out in public and at home he rips me apart... Yeah he is a covert narcissist all the boxes are checked on that one.
I enjoy your videos..I noticed you spend More Time telling us what your going to tell us. Then You do actually telling what you are telling us.
you video is great, it touch me. we live so long with "bad type of thinking" and when I see this videos it touch me. I have tattoo and piercing and before I put it, I was asking people what they think about it ? It is a style from approval. But is my live , my body I have to take the decision to do what I want
I think this can be used in marriages too. Seeking approval is the basis of seeking affection and attention. Especially when you want that from your significant other so badly. My husband and I are in a bad place from covid and the extra strain on the marriage but he was already prewired to not be very emotional and when he ices over its a cold cruel time for weeks. Its emotionally exhausting to want their cooperation and approval to try to move on. He will treat me nicely and with love willingly or he wont. I have no expectations so I have to work on not approval seeking.
I find myself doing these things a lot when it comes to my parents, especially when it comes to the matter of my career choice. I have not told them the career I want to pursue yet because I know they’re not going to fully approve of it. Not only that, but the career is unstable, so I will have to live with family for a while if I pursue it. I’m also a recent college graduate who does not have enough money or life skills to live on her own. Anyway, if that made any sense, do you have any advice for me in this situation?
You ask what I am I going to do. With a knowingness I am going to trust myself. I am all done looking for approvals. Thank you Julia
Great advice, trust yourself. Take responsibility. That is the key .
Great analysis of the problem. Thank you for your advice.