I had a friend who turned out to be a covert narcissist. I’d picked up the one sided friendship and her change in behaviour when she met this guy. The texts etc. to me dropped. When I called her out via text she didn’t address anything, then in person the mask fell off and the narcissist came out with the rage. The friendship was then over for me. She was getting married to this guy still wanting me to come to her wedding, and came with the pity party at my door when I had covid. I was so astounded how shameless this person was, and no I did not go to her wedding, which she only wanted me there to show people her supposed bff was there, because in reality people were asking her where I was. 🤣☠️🚪🌈🌻🦋✨
Just happened to me as well, we were good friends until she got with her boyfriend. She's cancelled on me five times in the last two months rescheduled three times. She keeps saying it's a spiritual battle she's facing, pretty odd this all started happening as soon as she was dating this guy. I had opportunity to cancel on her to be with a guy I was dating but I valued our relationship more. It hurts she doesn't feel the same but I guess she never did looking back.
I'm really sorry you have experienced an encounter with a covert narcissist. The pity party you've mentioned is a five star drama of all time. I've lived such experience for 5 weeks and it was surprisingly damaging to my mental and physical health even though it didn't last long. I'm glad it ended for you as well. Thank you so much for sharing.
What after that? I terminated with covert n. When just i saw one sign, i Am survival from past and have experience , beginning he got mad sending many calls messages i totally ignored no block but no answer , send message like let set and discuss then u can go in ur way He insist to set and talk , but i didnt respond then sending message with common friends still i m not responding Now sending greeting every occasion Whats next steps ?
Same. My so-called friend did a major disappearing act when she met her new boyfriend. She basically moved in with him within a month and I'm sure she doesn't want to tell me so she quit all communications with me. What sucked is I just lost my dad and she basically ditched me when I needed her most. I know I have abandonment issues from my childhood so I am working on my myself but I'm still mourning what I thought was a good friend. Bullshit.
A tell I’ve noticed with abusive people who try to smear their victims as abusers is that they are often angry that they no longer have a relationship with their supposed abuser and complain bitterly about being rejected/abandoned/shut out by that person. They aren’t angry to have been abused. They are angry their abuser walked away. Whereas those of us who’ve been truly abused are equally terrified to lose our abuser as for them to come back and keep abusing us. They are angry we left. We are equally terrified to stay or go. They are unconflicted in their anger at being left. We are horribly conflicted in our combined terror, longing and grief for what we thought we had with them. I’m grateful to have come to be aware of this as a recipient of that kind of smear campaign by my abusive ex. I now know to be skeptical of those who claim abuse and are adamant their abuser had no right to leave them, rather than sad, scared and confused. I hope this will help me see and believe fellow abuse survivors more quickly and clearly. That’s certainly my goal.
Petra ~ Great video. Thank God you didn't go into business with your former friend. My experience has been that it's best to fade from (narcissistic) friendships that aren't working verses officially ending the friendship. (I realize this isn't always possible.) Usually, I am a very direct person and I would prefer to have a conversation when ending a friendship, but my experience shows this usually does more harm than good with a narcissist. Now, I quietly fade away and I've found this to be a much better approach. Also, sometimes, people have faded on me as well and that's totally fine. IMO, you need to give people space to live their life.
Thank you. My narcissistic friend kept reaching out using her sad stories about herself then she reached out to my sister! It was awful. I asked her to stop contacting me and she kept contacting me at least 4-5 times after I asked not to. Wished her a good life and to never contact me again!
I had a narc "friend" take me into her home (she's married, kids grown). But she would not give me a key (nor come up with a set rent) so that gave her control of when I came and went. "While you're under my roof" was a phrase she used. I got a horrible rash from dust mites where I slept and came home to find cleaning towels and Windex tossed on the dusty desk. The message: now I've got you where I want you. Hubby was like a ghost. Ex hubby came to stay for 3 days. Bizarre. I quietly cleared out my belongings before dawn, and never returned. And then I saw her in the park I enjoy. She'd driven from the next town to the park. I get group rates on restraining orders in my town. Because narcs in California....can be quite tricky. Thank you for this video; it was right on time.
Thank you so much for this video, Petra! It was so helpful! I'm going grey rock on my narc friend and she keeps emailing me and leaving voicemails on how I am her best friend, don't end the friendship, what did she do wrong, etc.. It is rather nauseating to deal with their clinging, needy ways.
So true. When I divorced my children's father after 14 years, the day of divorce, I lost almost 20 friends/relatives. It was shocking! They believed him and he , over time, turned my children against me as well as against their grandparents, my parents. It was a nightmare.
When I went no contact w/a narcissistic friend I was not concerned if she bad mouthed me to others. It would be her lies and honestly; going no contact w/her gave me peace of mind that I desperately needed to begin to heal from the experience. I felt like I had been set free!
I’m going through this right now. She did the smear campaign with my ex-husband & current man in my life. I told her she crossed a line that I was done. Please do not contact me anymore. She has continued to texted me over 20 times in less than 12 hours. 1st telling me I was wrong, then I needed to get over it & then trying to give me gifts. I’m scared, angry and so disappointed. Thank you for this video. It’s exactly what I am going through. She not once respected boundaries.
Thanks so much. Needed this video as just had the same thing happen and yes, I ended it. Please keep these videos up and you're the only person I've found who makes videos on narcissistic friendships instead of relationships, which do seem to have a different pattern.
So good to see you! I love the way you speak and I’ve learned so much. I’ve had severe traumatic events in the last yr, my friend of 40 yrs was concerned at first. Then she didn’t give me a chance to talk about it. Changed the subject, and became about her someway and her life events. She is always the victim. I’m in therapy and talking about my life has opened my eyes.
i would just respond with "well, if i'm clearly the toxic one in this relationship why would you even want to be friends with me, i'm doing you a favor ending it".
I had a who was and still a narcissist and it was always me me me,she would purposely say and to things repeatedly to me know how many times I told her to stop or I will be ending the friendship. You know what..she kept on billing her BS so I ended the so called friendship, the sad part of it was she was my best friend.She even stole from me,and know matter what job she worked at she was always the victim because everyone was mean to her,she would pass and moan about this to me,several jobs she quit because everyone picked on her,I told her one day to take alook in the mirror and she'd find the problem.I told her that after hearing this every day along with running her husband brown all the time behind his back she was a horrible friend,she always thinks she is so much better then everybody.I amso glad I walked away.Theres so much I could share but it would take a day just to go on and on😒so that's my story about my narcissist ex best friend.
I ended a toxic friendship about a year and a half ago. In my case, though, I didn't even have a final conversation or talk to this person. I just cut them off and blocked them on everything. Unfortunately, when I did that, this person started harassing me. They made a second Facebook account and friend requested me with it, and then they started emailing me about once a month. Also, some of their friends started friend requesting me as well, which I was not expecting. I ended up having to shut down my email account and create a new one because they would not leave me alone. And before anybody tells me I should've just spammed their email address, they had multiple email addresses, so spamming wasn't working in that instance.
You took the steps that were/are necessary for your protection and peace of mind. Toxic people will demonstrate all manner of craziness to get you off balance and out of sync with yourself. Wishing you continued strength and courage!
I just want to point out that sometimes two empath friends can have blurry boundaries and issues with discussing these same problems. It’s not always black and white. Sometimes people dump you as a friend without ever telling you how serious they feel neglected. I’ve been learning a lot about narcissism and I feel bad for the narcissist I left behind. They have no ability to discuss hard issues with others because of their arrogance. No amount of time, space or asking… what did I do to upset you? How can I make it right? None of it matters once the narc has decided you are trash. They toss you in the bin without a second thought. They assume they mean so much to you, that whatever retaliation they had for your misgivings in the friendship, should be forgiven. But you, even completely unaware you hurt them are never to be forgiven. My close friend talked shit about me behind my back to anyone and everyone to make herself look good. Yes, she did give me and my kid a place to sleep for a couple of months after I left an abuser, but she had no right to throw shade on me at my lowest. It hurt, so i pulled away. I didn’t tell her that’s why I pulled away because I assumed she knew I knew… I just got into therapy, and a couple months later I met a guy. She felt like I stopped talking to her because of those reasons, when in part it was because she had betrayed my trust (not the first time either) … but since I forgave her doing it before I assume she thought I would again. Then when I got my own place, she told me what a burden my problems were for her and she expected me to let her keep using my vehicle even tho she ended our friendship. I did for about a month allow her to continue using my vehicle. But then I just got tired of waiting to talk things out… it was all very confusing. But I haven’t bothered with trying to work it out since March and I have so much peace now.
The narcissist stalking me, found my partner on fb, she sent him a message request and told him I was having sex outside of my marriage to him and that he couldn’t trust me. Lol, we’ve never even been married and I’ve never been married to anyone in my life. She also plagiarised a web page that I’d been reading a few months before, making statements about the sort of person I was and passing these quotes off as her own words. I remembered the words because the original article really resonated with me and then She went on pretending they were her words when she’d just done a copy and paste. She really wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. Between my intuition and her constant contradictions and anomalies, I had her sussed out pretty quickly and thank goodness I did.
Just as a side-note: Normal friendships and relationships will also see someone try to stop it ending. If someone is completely unbothered by an ending friendship or relationship, this is a problem. The difference is that a genuine person will want to understand why; to offer to work on the problems and to respect your boundaries when you refuse. Try not to discard those who genuinely care for you.
Yes. All true. There comes a point where it's beyond fixing and even understanding why. I received an education in what habitual psychological/emotional abuse looks like. In the end every single statement, question, and action was clearly intended as a veiled manipulation where the veil was transparent. Question: if a person gaslights reflexively, faster than the speed of light, unconsciously, without any apparent forethought; is it still technically gaslighting? (This is kind of a joke, but also a sincere question.) I think the correct answer is NO, because the deliberate intention never even came to mind, it was skipped right over, not even cosidered; however the resulting distress to the other person is identical. I guess this kind of automatic behavior would be more like an unconscious defense mechanism. A conditioned aggressive position. Thank you again, Petra. It's helpful that you understand and talk about these relationships.
And how to deal with the sadness? And with the loss of friendship ? All my love, care, time and energy got wasted again... He ofc defended himself verbally so his shield is clear and I am the one wanting idk what
Punished mutual friends for 'colluding' with me...trying to repair things in other words as we had been friends for 27 years.. Ludicrous lies and manipulation. However they treat other people the same. It wasnt just me.
,Thank you for loving my last comment. But how do you get rid of your whole inner circle of 40 yeara? What do I do? Went no contact with one and found myself empathically led back in when her mom passed. I realize now, I have been their scapegoat as well. They are the only so called friends I've got. I have no problem with self introspection since the age of 6. What do I do?
It's not so much about getting rid of your inner circle as it is about re-evaluating who you wish to have as a part of your inner circle. Is there a balance of give and take? Is the interaction with them empowering or disempowering? Do you feel good or bad about yourself when engaging with your inner circle? It is so loving towards yourself to make different choices when your current choices are no longer serving you, dear Linda.
@@PetraVanDeijl I don't know what to say, but again thank you for your response. I so get you. I hope you are enjoying the holidays. Out of this inner circle of about 10, there are only 2 that I would like to try to keep somehow . But it's really only laughs and surface conversation that can be had. The main thing is...thank you for your support. I'm finding it really difficult because I'm doing all the work. I'm best here with my little dog....I'm lonely,but not alone. And,there is God. You can't leave empowered if I can only be surfacely conversational. All the rest is shut down. Thank you,Petra!
![Eminem - Houdini [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/22tVWwmTie8/mqdefault.jpg)
I had a friend who turned out to be a covert narcissist. I’d picked up the one sided friendship and her change in behaviour when she met this guy. The texts etc. to me dropped. When I called her out via text she didn’t address anything, then in person the mask fell off and the narcissist came out with the rage. The friendship was then over for me. She was getting married to this guy still wanting me to come to her wedding, and came with the pity party at my door when I had covid. I was so astounded how shameless this person was, and no I did not go to her wedding, which she only wanted me there to show people her supposed bff was there, because in reality people were asking her where I was. 🤣☠️🚪🌈🌻🦋✨
Thank u for your response. I'm so sorry. But,somehow,we will get tbrough....right? Much love and peace in the new year.
Just happened to me as well, we were good friends until she got with her boyfriend. She's cancelled on me five times in the last two months rescheduled three times. She keeps saying it's a spiritual battle she's facing, pretty odd this all started happening as soon as she was dating this guy. I had opportunity to cancel on her to be with a guy I was dating but I valued our relationship more. It hurts she doesn't feel the same but I guess she never did looking back.
I'm really sorry you have experienced an encounter with a covert narcissist. The pity party you've mentioned is a five star drama of all time. I've lived such experience for 5 weeks and it was surprisingly damaging to my mental and physical health even though it didn't last long. I'm glad it ended for you as well. Thank you so much for sharing.
What after that? I terminated with covert n. When just i saw one sign, i Am survival from past and have experience , beginning he got mad sending many calls messages i totally ignored no block but no answer , send message like let set and discuss then u can go in ur way
He insist to set and talk , but i didnt respond then sending message with common friends still i m not responding
Now sending greeting every occasion
Whats next steps ?
Same. My so-called friend did a major disappearing act when she met her new boyfriend. She basically moved in with him within a month and I'm sure she doesn't want to tell me so she quit all communications with me. What sucked is I just lost my dad and she basically ditched me when I needed her most. I know I have abandonment issues from my childhood so I am working on my myself but I'm still mourning what I thought was a good friend. Bullshit.
A tell I’ve noticed with abusive people who try to smear their victims as abusers is that they are often angry that they no longer have a relationship with their supposed abuser and complain bitterly about being rejected/abandoned/shut out by that person. They aren’t angry to have been abused. They are angry their abuser walked away.
Whereas those of us who’ve been truly abused are equally terrified to lose our abuser as for them to come back and keep abusing us.
They are angry we left. We are equally terrified to stay or go. They are unconflicted in their anger at being left. We are horribly conflicted in our combined terror, longing and grief for what we thought we had with them.
I’m grateful to have come to be aware of this as a recipient of that kind of smear campaign by my abusive ex. I now know to be skeptical of those who claim abuse and are adamant their abuser had no right to leave them, rather than sad, scared and confused.
I hope this will help me see and believe fellow abuse survivors more quickly and clearly. That’s certainly my goal.
Petra ~ Great video. Thank God you didn't go into business with your former friend. My experience has been that it's best to fade from (narcissistic) friendships that aren't working verses officially ending the friendship. (I realize this isn't always possible.) Usually, I am a very direct person and I would prefer to have a conversation when ending a friendship, but my experience shows this usually does more harm than good with a narcissist. Now, I quietly fade away and I've found this to be a much better approach. Also, sometimes, people have faded on me as well and that's totally fine. IMO, you need to give people space to live their life.
I agree with you. With a narc, it's best to just cut off all contact with them.
Agree. For the most part, confronting them doesn't do any good.@@mrsmucha
Thank you. My narcissistic friend kept reaching out using her sad stories about herself then she reached out to my sister! It was awful. I asked her to stop contacting me and she kept contacting me at least 4-5 times after I asked not to. Wished her a good life and to never contact me again!
Yep, they keep on calling and trying to lure you back.
I had a narc "friend" take me into her home (she's married, kids grown). But she would not give me a key (nor come up with a set rent) so that gave her control of when I came and went. "While you're under my roof" was a phrase she used. I got a horrible rash from dust mites where I slept and came home to find cleaning towels and Windex tossed on the dusty desk. The message: now I've got you where I want you. Hubby was like a ghost. Ex hubby came to stay for 3 days. Bizarre. I quietly cleared out my belongings before dawn, and never returned. And then I saw her in the park I enjoy. She'd driven from the next town to the park. I get group rates on restraining orders in my town. Because narcs in California....can be quite tricky. Thank you for this video; it was right on time.
Thank you so much for this video, Petra! It was so helpful! I'm going grey rock on my narc friend and she keeps emailing me and leaving voicemails on how I am her best friend, don't end the friendship, what did she do wrong, etc.. It is rather nauseating to deal with their clinging, needy ways.
So true. When I divorced my children's father after 14 years, the day of divorce, I lost almost 20 friends/relatives. It was shocking! They believed him and he , over time, turned my children against me as well as against their grandparents, my parents. It was a nightmare.
When I went no contact w/a narcissistic friend I was not concerned if she bad mouthed me to others. It would be her lies and honestly; going no contact w/her gave me peace of mind that I desperately needed to begin to heal from the experience. I felt like I had been set free!
This needs to be taught in every middle school across the nation.
I’m going through this right now. She did the smear campaign with my ex-husband & current man in my life. I told her she crossed a line that I was done. Please do not contact me anymore. She has continued to texted me over 20 times in less than 12 hours. 1st telling me I was wrong, then I needed to get over it & then trying to give me gifts. I’m scared, angry and so disappointed. Thank you for this video. It’s exactly what I am going through. She not once respected boundaries.
Thanks so much. Needed this video as just had the same thing happen and yes, I ended it. Please keep these videos up and you're the only person I've found who makes videos on narcissistic friendships instead of relationships, which do seem to have a different pattern.
So good to see you! I love the way you speak and I’ve learned so much. I’ve had severe traumatic events in the last yr, my friend of 40 yrs was concerned at first. Then she didn’t give me a chance to talk about it. Changed the subject, and became about her someway and her life events. She is always the victim. I’m in therapy and talking about my life has opened my eyes.
i would just respond with "well, if i'm clearly the toxic one in this relationship why would you even want to be friends with me, i'm doing you a favor ending it".
💯 Been going through this for 2 years!! Draining. Thanks for validating. Just found your channel 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💗
Thank you so much Petra! Your videos about friendship have really helped me get through this year xxx
I had a who was and still a narcissist and it was always me me me,she would purposely say and to things repeatedly to me know how many times I told her to stop or I will be ending the friendship. You know what..she kept on billing her BS so I ended the so called friendship, the sad part of it was she was my best friend.She even stole from me,and know matter what job she worked at she was always the victim because everyone was mean to her,she would pass and moan about this to me,several jobs she quit because everyone picked on her,I told her one day to take alook in the mirror and she'd find the problem.I told her that after hearing this every day along with running her husband brown all the time behind his back she was a horrible friend,she always thinks she is so much better then everybody.I amso glad I walked away.Theres so much I could share but it would take a day just to go on and on😒so that's my story about my narcissist ex best friend.
I ended a toxic friendship about a year and a half ago. In my case, though, I didn't even have a final conversation or talk to this person. I just cut them off and blocked them on everything. Unfortunately, when I did that, this person started harassing me. They made a second Facebook account and friend requested me with it, and then they started emailing me about once a month. Also, some of their friends started friend requesting me as well, which I was not expecting. I ended up having to shut down my email account and create a new one because they would not leave me alone. And before anybody tells me I should've just spammed their email address, they had multiple email addresses, so spamming wasn't working in that instance.
You took the steps that were/are necessary for your protection and peace of mind. Toxic people will demonstrate all manner of craziness to get you off balance and out of sync with yourself. Wishing you continued strength and courage!
I just want to point out that sometimes two empath friends can have blurry boundaries and issues with discussing these same problems. It’s not always black and white. Sometimes people dump you as a friend without ever telling you how serious they feel neglected. I’ve been learning a lot about narcissism and I feel bad for the narcissist I left behind. They have no ability to discuss hard issues with others because of their arrogance. No amount of time, space or asking… what did I do to upset you? How can I make it right? None of it matters once the narc has decided you are trash. They toss you in the bin without a second thought. They assume they mean so much to you, that whatever retaliation they had for your misgivings in the friendship, should be forgiven. But you, even completely unaware you hurt them are never to be forgiven.
My close friend talked shit about me behind my back to anyone and everyone to make herself look good. Yes, she did give me and my kid a place to sleep for a couple of months after I left an abuser, but she had no right to throw shade on me at my lowest. It hurt, so i pulled away. I didn’t tell her that’s why I pulled away because I assumed she knew I knew… I just got into therapy, and a couple months later I met a guy. She felt like I stopped talking to her because of those reasons, when in part it was because she had betrayed my trust (not the first time either) … but since I forgave her doing it before I assume she thought I would again.
Then when I got my own place, she told me what a burden my problems were for her and she expected me to let her keep using my vehicle even tho she ended our friendship. I did for about a month allow her to continue using my vehicle. But then I just got tired of waiting to talk things out… it was all very confusing. But I haven’t bothered with trying to work it out since March and I have so much peace now.
The narcissist stalking me, found my partner on fb, she sent him a message request and told him I was having sex outside of my marriage to him and that he couldn’t trust me.
Lol, we’ve never even been married and I’ve never been married to anyone in my life. She also plagiarised a web page that I’d been reading a few months before, making statements about the sort of person I was and passing these quotes off as her own words. I remembered the words because the original article really resonated with me and then She went on pretending they were her words when she’d just done a copy and paste. She really wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. Between my intuition and her constant contradictions and anomalies, I had her sussed out pretty quickly and thank goodness I did.
Just as a side-note: Normal friendships and relationships will also see someone try to stop it ending.
If someone is completely unbothered by an ending friendship or relationship, this is a problem.
The difference is that a genuine person will want to understand why; to offer to work on the problems and to respect your boundaries when you refuse.
Try not to discard those who genuinely care for you.
Thank you Petra for caring for us
Glad to see you, Petra!! Been a long time✨💎✨
Yes. All true. There comes a point where it's beyond fixing and even understanding why. I received an education in what habitual psychological/emotional abuse looks like. In the end every single statement, question, and action was clearly intended as a veiled manipulation where the veil was transparent. Question: if a person gaslights reflexively, faster than the speed of light, unconsciously, without any apparent forethought; is it still technically gaslighting?
(This is kind of a joke, but also a sincere question.) I think the correct answer is NO, because the deliberate intention never even came to mind, it was skipped right over, not even cosidered; however the resulting distress to the other person is identical. I guess this kind of automatic behavior would be more like an unconscious defense mechanism. A conditioned aggressive position.
Thank you again, Petra. It's helpful that you understand and talk about these relationships.
Sage words,Petra.
And how to deal with the sadness? And with the loss of friendship ? All my love, care, time and energy got wasted again... He ofc defended himself verbally so his shield is clear and I am the one wanting idk what
Thank you, Petra🧡
It’s kinda weird when someone who’s been playing hard ass starts blubbering 😮😒
Thank you Petra ❤❤❤
True story and facts
Punished mutual friends for 'colluding' with me...trying to repair things in other words as we had been friends for 27 years.. Ludicrous lies and manipulation.
However they treat other people the same. It wasnt just me.
… thank you 💛
,Thank you for loving my last comment. But how do you get rid of your whole inner circle of 40 yeara? What do I do? Went no contact with one and found myself empathically led back in when her mom passed. I realize now, I have been their scapegoat as well. They are the only so called friends I've got. I have no problem with self introspection since the age of 6. What do I do?
It's not so much about getting rid of your inner circle as it is about re-evaluating who you wish to have as a part of your inner circle. Is there a balance of give and take? Is the interaction with them empowering or disempowering? Do you feel good or bad about yourself when engaging with your inner circle? It is so loving towards yourself to make different choices when your current choices are no longer serving you, dear Linda.
@@PetraVanDeijl I don't know what to say, but again thank you for your response. I so get you. I hope you are enjoying the holidays. Out of this inner circle of about 10, there are only 2 that I would like to try to keep somehow . But it's really only laughs and surface conversation that can be had. The main thing is...thank you for your support. I'm finding it really difficult because I'm doing all the work. I'm best here with my little dog....I'm lonely,but not alone. And,there is God. You can't leave empowered if I can only be surfacely conversational. All the rest is shut down. Thank you,Petra!
Then I have to ship every door.
I had a narc family system so they were always happy to be a triangulation partner 🙄