I Never Came Out
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- Опубликовано: 15 дек 2020
- The gay kids in my school & handful of celebrities I was privy to? They always seemed so confidently gay- like they were born sure of their sexuality. When I would day-dream of kissing boys, it all seemed like a sort of silly fantasy I was having, divorced from my sexuality. I was, after all, deeply entrenched in a faith practice that demonized anything that wasn’t heteronormative.
I thought maybe I was just enamored with the idea of being gay more than I was actually attracted to men. Which… is a really fascinating way of convincing yourself that you're straight… “Wow, he is gorgeous. If I was gay…” If I was gay, what? I would be daydreaming the things I’m daydreaming right now?
I kissed a guy for the first time when I was 23. I was really smitten with him and it likely meant more to me than it did to him. I felt really rocked to realize that this wasn’t a budding romance. It pushed me further away from being honest with myself about my sexuality.
Honestly took years to find a label that fit, to find myself easing into the idea that this wasn’t some passing sensation, to connect the thread throughout my life- the thread of my Queerness. By the time I felt comfortable with it, I was married and coming out felt like such a weird and unnecessary thing to do?
So, I never really publicly “came out.” I just allowed myself to live into something like wholeness, to question and explore my gender & sexual identity, to revel in all the colors that bring me joy, and to roam these inner hallways freely, expressing myself however felt right and righteous and me.
AND, I’m still doing that. I’m still roaming. Still stretching. Still dressing & undressing and I am happy to be in the stillness of this season, using music as a therapy to process all of the hard stuff.
Huge thanks to DF Production Services for visiting my yard for this.
Thank you so much for writing this song. I grew up in a very small town in Virginia (close to NC state line) and I never had anyone to trust. So I never came out either. It still brings up sad memories of being alone and different. I am almost like a stranger in my own hometown. So sharing your experience goes a long way to help others.
I’m so thankful you exist and you create and share what you do! My spouse and I grew up in a small conservative poor country town in NC. I was brainwashed with the harmful forms of “Christianity”. We both thought we were cis and hetero for so long bc the world is set up for straight cis people so if you never question it, you might not ever know. We both tried so hard to fit into gender and hetero expectations for so much of our 13 year relationship. I came out to he/them in 2021 and he/them came out to me this year and now we’re both figuring out our real gender identity and expression together and it’s been a confusing but beautiful journey. I held it in that I was pan after I figured it out for a year bc I was scared he/they would think I didn’t love them, wasn’t attracted to them, wanted to cheat, and that “why does it matter, we’re married now and I don’t want to physically explore this with anyone else so why come out?” But you said it in this song, it’s part of your unique identity and that’s why it still matters. It opened so many doors for both of us to grow individually and to deepen and strengthen our relationship even more. It’s been such a precious thing to navigate and figure this out and watch and support each other’s growth. I feel even closer and more in love with them because of this. So it is so important to come out, no matter what point you’re in life or who you’re with. I grew up on bluegrass/folk music but always had a hold up in my mind about it bc it’s relation to conservatism so when my partner found your music, it felt like coming home. I can have the music that means so much to me mean even more now bc I can actually relate and hear such affirming lyrics. We are so excited we came across your art and we are coming to your show in Durham this week. I hope you know how important you are-your experiences and sharing your art with the world. It’s so healing. You’re helping so many people. Thank you.
Adeem,
You never cease to inspire me. This is so good!
First off, the song - on its face - is a great song! But also the sentiment, the vulnerability. Brilliant!
Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing this.
Here’s to a day (pray, in the not too distant future) when it is no longer an act of bravery to do so. This is what it looks like to get there.
Thank you, friend. And cheers.
I appreciate you so much, Brian. Grateful for you, your art, your writing. Sorry for the delayed reply 🙏🏻💜
I never came out either, never have, don't believe in it. I don't need permission, I don't need acceptance, I don't need to confess to anyone that I am human, I just am, period.
I've heard this song so many times I cannot belive I missed the description until now, I feel like all words fall short so I can only say thanks, your words resonate so strongly with my own experiences as a non binary child in a rural town in the 2000s, and all the same I never came out as bisexual, but at the same time was kinda forced to come out as a trans man because it's easier to understand for the people around me
idk, I'm probably not gonna make much sense if I keep going, but I just needed to say how valid this whole album makes me feel, valid in a way not even pride parades or progress towards trans rights has made me feel ever, just thank you will always fall short
Thank you for sharing your story, it will be so helpful to so many 💞
Love your sound and I love this song!
“If i was one of me/I could not be one of them” ❤
ur so talented ❤️🔥
Beautiful song❤
This so is written from my heart. Never that part. I found for the political identity that girls watch thought girls on girls was hot. Not because I was going to Lilith Faith season. I could pass as Straight in Straight North Dakota. But I am not Straight. I am Pan. Kissed a girl at a Sarah Pali rally. Not looking to be a unicorn. Just a 45 year who thinks otherwise woman might u sedtrastad.
Note to self - no posting after Ambien.
You sir are gay but very talented at that guitar
I’m pansexual- but it’s kind of like gay. Appreciate the compliment- you take care now
@@AdeemtheArtist how about a lesson on this masterpiece
Over here in Dublin Ireland and love the music -nice to hear the song live . It’s just great music !
Bro, your so talented. Thanks for your honesty. Beautiful song.