I had a friend who I believe has BPD. One time I went to an event where this person was attending. I said hello to everyone, including her, but I didn't say hello to her first. She was so enraged by this. I didnt think it was a big deal personally so I basically ignored her. I left the event and while me and some of my friends were driving down a highway, a car tried to run our car off the road. I looked over and saw that it was her! She literally tried to kill me because I didn't speak to her first. I'm glad that I live a few states away now. This wasn't the only instance she was like this, but she never tried to kill me before lol. Still freaks me out
My extremely abusive mother was diagnosed with BPD. She ruined my childhood and half my adulthood with her triangulating, dependency, manipulation, and violence. She has destroyed every relationship shes had. It took me getting cancer at 29 for me to realize that she would eventually kill me. I went no contact. It was the best, most freeing decision of my life. I also moved 1800 miles away and am in remission from my cancer. I do feel a little bit guilty as she will literally get sick and die alone but I couldn' t deal with the abuse. The finally factor that made me finally go no contact was the realization that as "sick" emotionally as she was, she NEVER abused anyone with power. She kept a job as a teacher for 40 yrs with never a violent outburst. Nope, she saved that for a powerless child. If she'd been unstable everywhere or to everyone, I would have stuck with her to the end. But, at the end of the day, she knew what she was doing and now she's reaping what she sowed.
I’m with you but I’m 48. I only woke up in my mid 40s to her. Family scapegoat, 3.5 years no contact. I didn’t even know she was abusing me as we were soo highly enmeshed and had me highly enmeshed with herself as an extension of her. She hated herself and sold us out to receive my war veteran alcoholic predatory father’s pension.
It sounds like she had more than just BPD. It sounds like she also had narcissistic and/or sociopathic traits. Up to 40% of people with BPD also have those other antisocial traits. I’m surprised whoever evaluated her didn’t catch on to that.
Bruh. Impoverished people in Shithole countries don't have these mental problems. Americans are obese and we have too much time on our hands amd we coke up with these BS mental health crisis
People seem to not understand this.... THERE'S NO CURE! People with mental illness can't be fixed only taught to change their Maladaptive Coping skills. If they don't want toooo change than there's nothing we can do. Medication is helpful but if the person doesn't take them or they enjoy the Emotional Highs... than we still can't control mental illness.
As a wife to a husband with borderline this advice is solid. Points I would add: -often the parents are the last to know of trauma -keep in mind he will probably need support ( with boundaries)his entire life. -there are support groups for YOU, as a family member with a partner/parent/child with borderline -please don’t try “tough love” it just makes BPD worse -* however;boundaries are NOT tough love -DBT is an absolute must, (however he may need to try several times)
Dear Mom, when I had an episode one day at 19 years old I scared the whole family. When I was in a hospital you told me through a phone call, you can’t come back. My heart shattered. All the times I ever thought that you never loved me or cared about me, it all came true. All of a sudden all of my issues began to suffocate me and I spiraled. My 3 day stay became 2 weeks and when I left that facility I was homeless. Couch surfing, mental health programs with housing for the next 5 years, I learned how to take the bus, to budget and save, lots of coping mechanisms, but most of all- the accountability I was in too much pain to ever look at. You did me a favor by holding your boundaries because it ultimately led me to find my own and to finally get how much I affected those around me.
This has helped me so much, Dr. John. I am 99.99% sure that my husband has BPD, but refuses to get help. It has been so difficult, but this episode has given me a few tools to try my best to help him. ❤
As a person with BPD…. Thank you SOOOO much for this definition and explaining it in such a clear and non-accusatory way. Most definitions and example and the way people talk about us makes us out to be monsters who should be locked up in an institution for the entirety of our lives. I wont sugar coat what a lot of BPD people are like especially those who won’t do the work or don’t believe their diagnosis. It’s awful. But that is not ALL of us. So thank you Dr. John for this!
Kids today have no purpose, no goal, no unified communities or families. All of us are fighting to stay ok or happy. We’re all drowning with this economy with no hope. The ones who have parents to back them are also struggling. It’s thought out here rn for us youngins. A lot of us are giving up and I foresee suicide rates skyrocketing soon.
I'm an elder Millennial and I am concerned for Gen Z, mostly because I've been alive long enough to witness the negative impacts of social media and devices on the younger generation. The best advice I can give you is to focus on service to others. Volunteering gives you a sense of purpose and can help you find a community of like-minded people. Develop yourself spiritually. Learn how to like yourself and be your own best friend. Spend time being creative. Get out in nature. Spend time with animals. Invest in self-care. Life can be really brutal; not gonna sugar-coat that. This year I was seriously suicidal myself. Overcoming that gave me so much appreciation for life, though. But I had to survive that dark period and endure a few decades of other very difficult challenges to get to where I am now. Mental strength is not easy to develop but it's necessary in this world. Good luck, kid ❤
This is really sad. Sometimes someone just has a serious mental illness that isn't caused or even exacerbated by an abusive upbringing and it gives the unfortunate person a much harder time in their lives. I really hope the caller's son is able to turn things around, he's lucky to have parents who both love him and are willing to be clear-headed about what it will take for him to really change his trajectory.
DBT has been lifesaving for me. If he wants to get his toes wet and learn about it dbt for dummies is a good book. And know that its something even once he gets it there can be relapses. Its hard but worth it. I used to have no sefe control. It was like an out of body experience. Now almost 2 years into dbt i still getting angry But i have just enough control to get me to a place to ground myself and can wait till im ok. Its been amazing.
@@texasgermancowgirl my mother has bpd and my daughter ADHD. The rages of an ADHD kid is similar. The difference is they aren't always like this whereas people with bpd is always like that. They are both intense and unreasonable so while they are different, they do share episodes
In the practice where i work only new therapists taken insurance. As soon as they are experienced they drop it. Insurance companies often try to deny payment so it’s easier to just not deal with it. I do know that many clients get both in-network and out of network benefits though. I hope you find someone who takes insurance and who you like!
This helps me so much. My kids are very young and my youngest is just 20months. I call him my rage baby joking Lee. But honestly I've never seen a baby with such rage. He is also incredibly loving and sweet and happy. It's a roller coaster! When she says her son has always been like this. I believe her a 100%. This is heartbreaking. What can a mom do who has a child that's born with This. This is my fifth child and I've never seen a child like this.
Listen to the answer she is getting at 14:00. You can learn how to respond to toddler rage and build your child's emotional skills this early. You need professional guidance for it after you find out if your son has any other developmental issues. This is possible. Do not wait. Special educators and pediatric therapists do this emotional skill building with parents and their kids every day, all day.
I would say two things…don’t be afraid of his rage when he’s young enough for it to be harmless, and have rock solid boundaries. If he learns at two years old that no means no and rage doesn’t change the outcome, he’ll be better off than the fellow in this video. Mom admitted she had always capitulated and never enforced a boundary until now. Don’t do that with your kid.
I am much better with kid number 5 at setting firm boundaries. If he bites or scratched ne I set him down with a firm, "no, that's owie," then give him love and attention when he is ready to be gentle again. All toddlers are little psychos, but some have more violent tendencies. I don't think he is incapable of empathy or anything, but when John said emotions like fire, I related so well.
John's explanation of BPD reminded me of the movie Slingblade. That aside, I knew a couple when I lived in Cali who had a toddler who would be a joyous, laughing ball of love one minute, but if he was told, "okay - enough" would get dark eyes that looked like something out of a horror movie and it took his mother and father both to take him up to his room and calm him. His mother - an intelligent, amazing girl was at her wits' end by the time he turned 3.
Demonic possession is real and is the cause of a lot of mental illness, although most clinicians have no understanding of it. Christians in particular, though, should already be aware of the seriousness of demonic activity. Exorcism was one of Christ's primary activities.
This is so validating that not only as a person with BPD but as someone raising a kid with probable BPD…. That my hard line, consistent consequences, line holding way of disciplining her thus far is exactly what us BPD people need. Better for my kid/teenager to learn NOW vs when the stakes are much higher and riskier.
My ex-girlfriend, who coincidentally lives in Salt Lake City, also has BPD. She’s a great girl and when it was great, it was great. When it was bad IT WAS AWFUL.
This is me. No wonder i have so many issues. My feelings are HUGE! It hurts and brings me to tears. I can't trust myself half the time. I thought i was just weird.
Maybe that's what's wrong with my neighbor. She screamed at me this morning because I managed to stand up and pick a few flowers. She was angry that I use a wheelchair. Then she yelled at me because my front door was open while i was picking the flowers. She said next time I leave my door open she's calling the police to make a welfare check. I said, "ok," and wheeled my way back into my apartment. It's extremely difficult for me as i suffer from anxiety
My best friend is borderline and I’ve had many encounters with a borderline man. It’s hard enough to get women to change but I’ve never seen a man with bpd change ever. It’s a lost cause. They end up dead or in jail. I hope he really does change but I have my doubts. My best friend is changing but it took me A YEAR to get her to realize it and I had to do it with her father. It’s one of the worst disorders and horrible on the person
I wish that had worked for my friend. Tried for almost 2 years for her to get help. She had a kid instead. Now I’m dealing with stepping away because I can’t watch this car crash anymore
Terrific response, but how about explaining to this mother than her rescuing is her attempt to fix how badly SHE feels. She is currently modeling poor choices to handle tough feelings, and probably has done this when he was little and raging at 3. So...yes, she probably has a part to play in how this adult turned out.
He did make that point to her that she too needed to make changes and not let her guilty or wanting to save him every time things are hard for him. And is why she must make boundries with her son and follow through on them 100%. If you watched the video in its entirety, you would've listened to Dr John stating so.
@@KlassiclyRevampT You do not realize that he did not make it clear where her unwillingness to set boundaries are really coming from. They are coming from her desire to make HERSELF feel better, not her desire to help him. She has been lying to herself about her reasons for being unwilling to set boundaries. She says it is because she is a mom. Well, a great mom will endure any amount of pain for her child. A lesser mom will attempt to diminish her pain and preserve her self-image as a loving caregiver. He did NOT say the whole truth. The painful truth she needs to hear in order to change.
... she's DEFINITELY part of the problem. Parents who make everything about them don't know how neglectful they actually are. It's unintentional. But she's a selfish woman.
I too am a son who's emotionally unstable largely due to the way I was raised but my mom doesn't care cause she's more unstable and stuck in her ways while I'm trying to heal. Needless to say we haven't talked in a while
This mom messed up his siblings by letting him get away with this and I'm sure the siblings got at the least mentally abused by BP sibling. It was probably hell growing up with him and he got a pass to placate his rage.
This is only one side. BPD is usually caused by childhood trauma. Dollars to doughnuts either she or her husband is a very chameleon like narcissist who severely emotionally and maybe even physically abused the child.
As someone who clearly has BPD I would never ask my parents to take me back. I'll sleep in my car, or mainly couch surf at my friends before I ever go back to them
My husbands first wife is BPD. When she turned 30 she seemed to cool down a little bit. Her teens and 20’s were like walking through fire, though. When we got engaged she went out and got married to the first guy she could find - and HE was BPD. It was a long 4 years of hell with them.
So grateful to be living in Ireland. Medical costs etc are free when one needs help. Even the Doctors to see re mental health is free. Plus my medications. America is a disgrace.
Grace. I am Irish. Medical care is means tested as you know. So if one earns over a certain amount then you do not get a Medical card. And must pay, this being the reason why so many have the VHI. But yes, Medical services are free for the poorer sector. And I agree with you re the USA.
That was a lot and she asked the right questions and has the right instincts and oh that’s so hard. I love hearing parents talk about the love of their kids. 🥹🥺🥹🥺
BPD is the worst to deal with. Having a borderline mother is a life of misery. Absolutely horrific, I have a hard time garnering sympathy for people who have BPD, they are some of the most destructive people. I get that they are suffering but man, they sure spread that suffering as far as they can.
First of all I want to say I’m sorry for your experience with your mother, I totally get why you may struggle having sympathy for these people when they remind you so much of the worst influence in your life. But I also want you to consider that not everyone with bpd is just intentionally or remorselessly doling out suffering wherever they go. I highly suspect I have bpd and am working on getting assessed for it but I want you to know that the pain of feeling dangerous or unsafe is such a burden and I would give anything not to have this issue. For the most part I have felt pretty benign in my life but being in a relationship made me really see the monster in me and it sucks. I am in therapy and trying to take all the right steps. I say this just to emphasise that there are many people with bpd who are equally as disturbed by their behaviour as you are and are desperate to correct it. While I understand that it is extremely difficult to feel compassion towards individuals who have caused you much pain just try and remember that not everyone with this disorder is alike
Can I add that son needs to live on his own? Mom & Dad will not be around forever. He will be homeless if she does not do this FOR him. (Not TO him.) My ex dealt with this. His mom died. And he has been homeless. Because he never has askills needed to be able to live on his own. My ex needed to be on disability due to this… It was extreme. Extreme. It’s completely heartbreaking. I was with my ex for seven years and he could not live with me. I have children and I was not going to expect them to livewith his erratic behavior. It hurts so much.
My son is 33. He’d be dead if he didn’t live with me but you are right. I’m older now and I just need some peace in my home. At this point we both need to live separately but this damn economy doesn’t help the launch and we keep having setbacks.
I am someone who has been formally diagnosed with BPD. I'm so fortunate to be able to say that the vast majority of my symptoms are in remission or manageable right now, but that took literal years of HARD work in therapy multiple times a week, hashing through intense trauma and working openly with my family and doctors... The stigma against those with BPD is one of the most intense in the mental health system, unfortunately, and we are often demonized for a condition that isn't our fault and we didn't want or ask for. 🤷🏻♀️ That being said, if we aren't in treatment, like therapy (DBT is a must, EMDR is fantastic) and possibly medication (BPD often is comorbid with things like Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD) then we can cause some serious damage in our relationships... Even though we don't want to. We're absolutely terrified of abandonment and yet we at times feel powerless to stop our own collapse of those treasured relationships. A couple things - BPD does have genetic links, but also everyone who develops BPD has some type of intense trauma, either single instance based, but often a series of traumas... I hope this mom realizes that just because SHE doesn't think her son's childhood was traumatic, there are probably plenty of things she doesn't know, and she shouldn't invalidate his experience. Especially to assuage her guilt. Dr. John is right about boundaries. That being said, boundaries are incredibly difficult for folks with BPD to process and accept initially. He will test them, even subconsciously, to see if they hold and to see if you'll love him through it. 🤷🏻♀️ You can't ask people with BPD to "just snap out of it". THIS IS HOW THEIR BRAIN WORKS. And, when triggered,.it is like your brain is on fire. The intensity of the lows isn't something I'd with on my worst enemy, and we'll often try just about anything to calm that intensity down, often with a myriad of maladaptive coping mechanisms. That being said, I am also firmly convinced that having BPD allows me to experience a level of compassion and empathy for others that those without BPD often aren't as easily capable of. I try to view the intensity of my empathy for others as a gift that when used wisely can be a blessing to others instead of a curse. People with BPD are often very perceptive and picked up on things that others don't. When we have good coping strategies, good support behind us, and have learned to live well with our disorder, ideally reaching remission of the most harmful symptoms, we can love those around us well and foster positive growth in our relationships instead of tearing them down. I'm a wife and mom of three little kids and it's my greatest mission in life to be a blessing in their life instead of a curse and to provide them with the unique level of encouragement that I did not receive while growing up so that hopefully they can avoid developing mental health disorders like my own. To say it is always easy would be the farthest thing from the truth, but I try my best every single day.
I understand trying to protect someone and keeping their diagnosis private, but when they’re on the verge of losing it, what good is holding this information private going to do ? Her son is already acting out, his mental situation is not a secret.
There are only specific circumstances that allow a therapist to break confidentiality without losing their license, and threatening to harm one's self is one of those circumstances though ordinarily a therapist would report that to the police
Unless there is a release of information signed by the client, you can’t disclose anything to anyone. However, harm to self or others is one time that you can. It sounds like the therapist did follow protocol here.
Healthcare of the US is a freaking mess. Have fun finding a DBT therapist. This really a shame that BPD is one of the most treatable conditions, but the mechanism we know works best is so hard to come by in most American cities and states. And the way insurance companies handle mental health treatment just adds insult to injury.
The research is questionable too. The sample sizes for the studies are small. The percipients are at most 290 in some studies just ranging 10 years. And as low as 62 participants ranging for 16 years. Studies can be misleading. Each person is complicated with different biology and chemical differences. Plus co morbidity with other illnesses makes it difficult to take this research as the full truth
Yeah, Momma, stabilize yourself! If you don’t put your O2 mask on 1st you’ll be too passed out to help your kids when the plane crashes, right? Yet here you are trying to breathe through this son’s mask. As though if only you could get him some air, then you could exhale… Nah. That’s backward. You can’t teach him to breathe right by letting your panic about him and his future steal his air. You gotta step back. Suggest a safe healthy place for him to go get qualified, experienced, specialized, capable support structures in place for his life and then add your relationship as part of that mix as he becomes ready to manage it. But learn why boundaries are healthy, supportive, and appropriate. For you. 1st. Because you can’t solve his emotions when yours are dis regulated by enmeshment.
Do not act surprised, therapists HAVE TO DIAGNOSE at least to a level that placates the insurance companies. They HAVE to put wha tthey are treating for.
I fully agree with this. But I feel like these words need to come from the father. As the man of the house, and the head of his family, he needs to be the one to set the boundaries. Man to man. And to protect you as well.
Yeah it's helpful. You have to be kinda hard about it like walking away, pretend they are invisible, or leave and do your own thing for a while. It sounds mean but it helpsif they are being pushy or unstable.
I think those have always been different things. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, characterized by major depressive (low mood) episodes and manic (high mood) episodes. During the extreme high and low mood periods it's usually like the person is stuck on that setting and cannot shift their mood, even if they normally would (like if they're in the depressed phase and something wonderful happens, they won't flip a switch and become manic all of the sudden, even if normally that event causes a lot of excitement). The mania can also sometimes lead to extreme paranoia and/or psychosis. These mood cycles are usually interrupted by regular moods too. Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, is a personality disorder characterized by extreme emotional dysregulation, and there aren't periods of regular moods. As Dr. Delony was describing, there can be a switch flip where something happens and the person's emotions radically shift from one extreme to the other, because their emotions are always so strong. There aren't sustained resistant-to-change periods of one mood state. The two disorders have a lot of symptoms in common because both create extreme emotions, but they do so in different ways.
@@calleythompson2781 thank you for this deep dive. This really helps me get a grasp of what this caller is dealing with and the difference between the 2. Very grateful for your time creating this thoughtful well written response.
First, it’s ALWAYS the parents fault in some way. We always mess up our kids in some way. Not her fault that her son is sick but why did she wait until after several years of suicide attempts to find out about his illness and official symptoms. He needs to be in a psych hospital for a while and get meds and treatment and she needs to pay for it, because they are expensive. Sending him out on his own with this debilitating illness is not a good idea. I would recommend family counseling as a group with the end purpose of an intervention to get him to willingly go into a psych hospital
Trauma can happen outside of the home.....at school, at work, at a friend's house. And most people who experience trauma do not develop BPD. I had an EXTREME childhood and do not have a personality disorder. As Dr. John said, there can be a genetic component. Also, therapists aren't allowed to simply share someone's diagnosis. A patient has to give permission for that. If a patient is suicidal, they are supposed to report them to the police. And she doesn't need to pay for his treatment; he's a grown man. He needs to get health insurance and start to be responsible for his own mental health. I spent 15 years working through the wounds of my childhood because I was serious about wanting to be free of that pain. People who are serious about their well-being do the work and/or seek professional help. Those who are not don't.
I watched a documentary and it said that many times there is no trauma and its more a genetic thing. never know but more may come out about the genetic part being the cause.
Not everybody displays BPD the same! John worked really close with people struggling especially while he was the dean of students trying to guide them in life!
I think BPD's can be very charming. And I think he is saying that as it is one of the hardest disorders to treat and most folks will abandon them. I think he is validating them. The average person probably should run from them. But they are confusing to be around, and discombobulate you. So most people, by the time they come to their senses, feel extremely worn out, dealing with the person with BPD.
@@michaelpalumbo4880I’m sure he doesn’t love them When they are in their anger phase. He said he loves them because they can feel so joyful and happy. Wouldn’t you want to feel an immense amount of joy and happiness from time to time? Also, not everyone that has BPD displays as amber heard does. It’s all different!
Why don't they just put them in like a group home I'm pretty sure you could do that anywhere and then they just get like their disability check instead of it going to the parents you would just give his disability check to the group home that's what they should just do put them in one of those and they can go visit him every once in a while
Because he’s an adult… BPD doesn’t mean he’s disabled or incapable of refusing help/making his own decisions. They can’t just force him into a group home lol, not if he doesn’t want to live in one.
hahah. i know you mean well, but BPD does not make you disabled, although it feel like a disability. It sounds like he is also an alcoholic so a dual diagnosis rehab would be the best thing for him.
Has she spent her life justifying his bad behavior instead of teaching him to adjust to the world he lives in and will inherit once she is gone? She needs to prepare him to adjust to the world, the realistic consequences of his behavior. Because the laws won’t change to accommodate special needs of psychopaths either… right? Ok, maybe these days that’s a bad example especially if you live in… like… California 😂 🤣 where the sociopaths and policymakers are 1 in the same. Right? But you get what I mean. Our responsibility as parents is not to make the world roll out the red carpet for the kids we feel should get different rules applied to them, but rather to prepare them that it won’t, and how to cope with that and manage their own lives within those parameters. This lady is a codependent to her BPD son. Whoa. That’s a ton of pressure to put on a kid - imagine - being responsible for your mom’s life - as a kid!?! Kids can’t handle that type of pressure even when they are neuronormative. Momma, your instincts might be over-caring, preventing your son from learning to cope with the consequences of his actions in this world. Your protection from those might be robbing him of valuable lessons he requires to grow and develop maturity. Your protective blanket over him is only causing problems for the rest of your family. You have expensed them to emotionally afford to focus so much on him. And his mood dictates your response - instead of the other way around. You’ve made this “anchorless” person your anchor. He’s out of control yet controls you - your decisions, emotions, feelings, and actions. Take a step back, Momma. Focus on you. On somebody else in the family. Show them the struggler isn’t going to have the upper hand of authority over this family anymore. They deserve that for their future relationships with you. If you had a magic wand we know you would wave it to erase his pain… but you can’t do anything about that. He literally has to do the work now to help himself learn to self soothe and grow up. You can’t control the world around him forever. Or his environment and if you could he’d never have gotten a DUI… Right? So, absolve yourself of that responsibility, now. Because it’s impossible. And you’re not food at it. Because it takes more than caring. It takes highly trained, specialized, experienced, professional care. Unless your home is staffed and are setup like a psych treatment facility, you don’t have that level of support available to him. You can’t offer that in a safe or healthy way for your family. So pretending you can manage life for him is lying to yourself and putting all of them at potential risk. On his behalf. Including him. You have to stop. Get help for your codependency. For real. In a few weeks this can all change, if you do that, this dynamic can get healthier even with his BPD even around it. If you decide you’re worth being healthy weather he can be or not.
He gets dui and put into mental health issues. Answer is u must leave ?? Seriously. Lets push u out and shun you????? He needs love and help not shunning. Get him help. Geesh. Stop doing yhis to your kids.
Also....one simply cannot get help for another adult. They have to want help and be committed to doing the work to improve their mental health. He's already in therapy and he's been committed in the past. I doubt he'd be willing to do residential or intense outpatient treatment. And if he is, he can google options as well as she can. He's not psychotic or intellectually compromised; he's fully capable of taking responsibility for his own wellness. People who really want to get well do everything they can to do so...they don't sit around waiting to be rescued.
@@RepentImmediately touché he’s ok he just really talks down to people by saying his way is always right and that’s not true for everyone like god and Jesus. That bullshit
@@HOLDXSTEELyou really are insecure and insert things that are not there. Why? I don't observe that at all. I observe you projecting childish emotions onto him, and not able to disconnect your jealousy or insecurity or rage, or whatever it is that composes that chip on your shoulder. The average person is neutral, you aren't.
@@HOLDXSTEELI don't perceive him that way. Not saying I always agree with his advice but the people calling in are seeking HIS advice. There are plenty of other options. They know who they're calling and they wouldn't be calling him if they didn't respect his particular opinion.
I had a friend who I believe has BPD. One time I went to an event where this person was attending. I said hello to everyone, including her, but I didn't say hello to her first. She was so enraged by this. I didnt think it was a big deal personally so I basically ignored her. I left the event and while me and some of my friends were driving down a highway, a car tried to run our car off the road. I looked over and saw that it was her! She literally tried to kill me because I didn't speak to her first. I'm glad that I live a few states away now. This wasn't the only instance she was like this, but she never tried to kill me before lol. Still freaks me out
that's crazy
Scary. BPD folks are so difficult to be around.
Yea that could be bpd. I have bpd and I get enraged about anything under the sun, however I'm getting a good handle on my behavior these days
"She never tried to kill me before" took me out lol . Friendship goals, I am glad you are okay.
@snoozyq9576 good women who use bad as an excuse are a liability to their partners
That’s the best explanation of borderline I’ve ever heard. It’s so clear.
agreed
My extremely abusive mother was diagnosed with BPD. She ruined my childhood and half my adulthood with her triangulating, dependency, manipulation, and violence. She has destroyed every relationship shes had. It took me getting cancer at 29 for me to realize that she would eventually kill me. I went no contact. It was the best, most freeing decision of my life. I also moved 1800 miles away and am in remission from my cancer. I do feel a little bit guilty as she will literally get sick and die alone but I couldn' t deal with the abuse. The finally factor that made me finally go no contact was the realization that as "sick" emotionally as she was, she NEVER abused anyone with power. She kept a job as a teacher for 40 yrs with never a violent outburst. Nope, she saved that for a powerless child. If she'd been unstable everywhere or to everyone, I would have stuck with her to the end. But, at the end of the day, she knew what she was doing and now she's reaping what she sowed.
❤❤❤
I’m with you but I’m 48. I only woke up in my mid 40s to her. Family scapegoat, 3.5 years no contact.
I didn’t even know she was abusing me as we were soo highly enmeshed and had me highly enmeshed with herself as an extension of her. She hated herself and sold us out to receive my war veteran alcoholic predatory father’s pension.
It sounds like she had more than just BPD. It sounds like she also had narcissistic and/or sociopathic traits. Up to 40% of people with BPD also have those other antisocial traits. I’m surprised whoever evaluated her didn’t catch on to that.
Hearing someone say “I love these folks” in reference to people with BPD…I cried. Thank you for seeing us as people not just “crazy” people
Our mental help in this country is in awful shape. Thank you for putting this information out here.
There used to be counseling. Now all they do is prescribe harsh pills.
Bruh. Impoverished people in Shithole countries don't have these mental problems. Americans are obese and we have too much time on our hands amd we coke up with these BS mental health crisis
People seem to not understand this.... THERE'S NO CURE! People with mental illness can't be fixed only taught to change their Maladaptive Coping skills. If they don't want toooo change than there's nothing we can do. Medication is helpful but if the person doesn't take them or they enjoy the Emotional Highs... than we still can't control mental illness.
As a wife to a husband with borderline this advice is solid.
Points I would add:
-often the parents are the last to know of trauma
-keep in mind he will probably need support ( with boundaries)his entire life.
-there are support groups for YOU, as a family member with a partner/parent/child with borderline
-please don’t try “tough love” it just makes BPD worse
-* however;boundaries are NOT tough love
-DBT is an absolute must, (however he may need to try several times)
Where does one find a support group for a family member who loves someone with BPD?
Dear Mom, when I had an episode one day at 19 years old I scared the whole family. When I was in a hospital you told me through a phone call, you can’t come back. My heart shattered. All the times I ever thought that you never loved me or cared about me, it all came true. All of a sudden all of my issues began to suffocate me and I spiraled. My 3 day stay became 2 weeks and when I left that facility I was homeless. Couch surfing, mental health programs with housing for the next 5 years, I learned how to take the bus, to budget and save, lots of coping mechanisms, but most of all- the accountability I was in too much pain to ever look at. You did me a favor by holding your boundaries because it ultimately led me to find my own and to finally get how much I affected those around me.
So happy you learned to okay!🙏🏼❤️
Powerful ❤❤❤
This has helped me so much, Dr. John. I am 99.99% sure that my husband has BPD, but refuses to get help. It has been so difficult, but this episode has given me a few tools to try my best to help him. ❤
@allisona6482 if you see this reach out, my husband has BPD.
As a person with BPD…. Thank you SOOOO much for this definition and explaining it in such a clear and non-accusatory way. Most definitions and example and the way people talk about us makes us out to be monsters who should be locked up in an institution for the entirety of our lives.
I wont sugar coat what a lot of BPD people are like especially those who won’t do the work or don’t believe their diagnosis. It’s awful. But that is not ALL of us.
So thank you Dr. John for this!
I agree with Dr J, when I worked in MH, clients dx with BPD were the most challenging bu t some of the best clients I served.
Kids today have no purpose, no goal, no unified communities or families. All of us are fighting to stay ok or happy. We’re all drowning with this economy with no hope. The ones who have parents to back them are also struggling. It’s thought out here rn for us youngins. A lot of us are giving up and I foresee suicide rates skyrocketing soon.
I'm an elder Millennial and I am concerned for Gen Z, mostly because I've been alive long enough to witness the negative impacts of social media and devices on the younger generation. The best advice I can give you is to focus on service to others. Volunteering gives you a sense of purpose and can help you find a community of like-minded people. Develop yourself spiritually. Learn how to like yourself and be your own best friend. Spend time being creative. Get out in nature. Spend time with animals. Invest in self-care. Life can be really brutal; not gonna sugar-coat that. This year I was seriously suicidal myself. Overcoming that gave me so much appreciation for life, though. But I had to survive that dark period and endure a few decades of other very difficult challenges to get to where I am now. Mental strength is not easy to develop but it's necessary in this world. Good luck, kid ❤
Late stage capootalism
This is really sad. Sometimes someone just has a serious mental illness that isn't caused or even exacerbated by an abusive upbringing and it gives the unfortunate person a much harder time in their lives. I really hope the caller's son is able to turn things around, he's lucky to have parents who both love him and are willing to be clear-headed about what it will take for him to really change his trajectory.
BPD is trauma based
DBT has been lifesaving for me. If he wants to get his toes wet and learn about it dbt for dummies is a good book. And know that its something even once he gets it there can be relapses. Its hard but worth it. I used to have no sefe control. It was like an out of body experience. Now almost 2 years into dbt i still getting angry But i have just enough control to get me to a place to ground myself and can wait till im ok. Its been amazing.
That is amazing. I will try that book. Thanks!
Kids and people with ADHD as well as other disorders also can have episodes of anger as well as impulsivity.
No this is very different, you know when someone is bpd.
@@texasgermancowgirl my mother has bpd and my daughter ADHD. The rages of an ADHD kid is similar. The difference is they aren't always like this whereas people with bpd is always like that. They are both intense and unreasonable so while they are different, they do share episodes
Many therapists are NOT taking insurance or N.P. Lots of time you need cash too..
Very long waits for therapy. Its horrible.
In the practice where i work only new therapists taken insurance. As soon as they are experienced they drop it. Insurance companies often try to deny payment so it’s easier to just not deal with it. I do know that many clients get both in-network and out of network benefits though. I hope you find someone who takes insurance and who you like!
This helps me so much. My kids are very young and my youngest is just 20months. I call him my rage baby joking Lee. But honestly I've never seen a baby with such rage. He is also incredibly loving and sweet and happy. It's a roller coaster! When she says her son has always been like this. I believe her a 100%. This is heartbreaking.
What can a mom do who has a child that's born with This. This is my fifth child and I've never seen a child like this.
Talk to his pediatrician first.
Listen to the answer she is getting at 14:00. You can learn how to respond to toddler rage and build your child's emotional skills this early. You need professional guidance for it after you find out if your son has any other developmental issues. This is possible. Do not wait. Special educators and pediatric therapists do this emotional skill building with parents and their kids every day, all day.
I would say two things…don’t be afraid of his rage when he’s young enough for it to be harmless, and have rock solid boundaries. If he learns at two years old that no means no and rage doesn’t change the outcome, he’ll be better off than the fellow in this video. Mom admitted she had always capitulated and never enforced a boundary until now. Don’t do that with your kid.
Why is she suddenly Chinese ?
I am much better with kid number 5 at setting firm boundaries. If he bites or scratched ne I set him down with a firm, "no, that's owie," then give him love and attention when he is ready to be gentle again.
All toddlers are little psychos, but some have more violent tendencies.
I don't think he is incapable of empathy or anything, but when John said emotions like fire, I related so well.
Thank you for the lesson on BPD.....I learned something new today.
Dr. John, you are phenomenal.
Thank you for explaining this. This explains so much.
John's explanation of BPD reminded me of the movie Slingblade. That aside, I knew a couple when I lived in Cali who had a toddler who would be a joyous, laughing ball of love one minute, but if he was told, "okay - enough" would get dark eyes that looked like something out of a horror movie and it took his mother and father both to take him up to his room and calm him. His mother - an intelligent, amazing girl was at her wits' end by the time he turned 3.
Demonic possession is real and is the cause of a lot of mental illness, although most clinicians have no understanding of it. Christians in particular, though, should already be aware of the seriousness of demonic activity. Exorcism was one of Christ's primary activities.
I mean thats 60-70% of Toddler's.
No, not like this kid. He really got DARK - very DARK! @@sutty85
That is not BPd
@@sutty85 No, not like this.
Silver Linings Playbook does a good depiction of a person with BPD. And it’s a great movie :)
I agree with the first part it did seem pretty accurate, however I didn't particularly enjoy the movie
I support your take on it and glad if it helped you in anyway. But I thought they did a terrible job with depicting what BPD is like.
This is so validating that not only as a person with BPD but as someone raising a kid with probable BPD…. That my hard line, consistent consequences, line holding way of disciplining her thus far is exactly what us BPD people need. Better for my kid/teenager to learn NOW vs when the stakes are much higher and riskier.
Very informative book - "I hate you - Don't Leave me" Kriesman & Straus
My ex-girlfriend, who coincidentally lives in Salt Lake City, also has BPD. She’s a great girl and when it was great, it was great. When it was bad IT WAS AWFUL.
This is me. No wonder i have so many issues. My feelings are HUGE! It hurts and brings me to tears. I can't trust myself half the time. I thought i was just weird.
Love Dr. J's advice..so very helpful.
Maybe that's what's wrong with my neighbor. She screamed at me this morning because I managed to stand up and pick a few flowers. She was angry that I use a wheelchair.
Then she yelled at me because my front door was open while i was picking the flowers. She said next time I leave my door open she's calling the police to make a welfare check. I said, "ok," and wheeled my way back into my apartment.
It's extremely difficult for me as i suffer from anxiety
She could just be a very mean person. This does not alone describe bpd
My best friend is borderline and I’ve had many encounters with a borderline man. It’s hard enough to get women to change but I’ve never seen a man with bpd change ever. It’s a lost cause. They end up dead or in jail. I hope he really does change but I have my doubts. My best friend is changing but it took me A YEAR to get her to realize it and I had to do it with her father. It’s one of the worst disorders and horrible on the person
I wish that had worked for my friend. Tried for almost 2 years for her to get help. She had a kid instead. Now I’m dealing with stepping away because I can’t watch this car crash anymore
Terrific response, but how about explaining to this mother than her rescuing is her attempt to fix how badly SHE feels. She is currently modeling poor choices to handle tough feelings, and probably has done this when he was little and raging at 3. So...yes, she probably has a part to play in how this adult turned out.
He did make that point to her that she too needed to make changes and not let her guilty or wanting to save him every time things are hard for him. And is why she must make boundries with her son and follow through on them 100%. If you watched the video in its entirety, you would've listened to Dr John stating so.
@@KlassiclyRevampT You do not realize that he did not make it clear where her unwillingness to set boundaries are really coming from. They are coming from her desire to make HERSELF feel better, not her desire to help him. She has been lying to herself about her reasons for being unwilling to set boundaries. She says it is because she is a mom. Well, a great mom will endure any amount of pain for her child. A lesser mom will attempt to diminish her pain and preserve her self-image as a loving caregiver. He did NOT say the whole truth. The painful truth she needs to hear in order to change.
Stfu you amateur psychiatrist
... she's DEFINITELY part of the problem. Parents who make everything about them don't know how neglectful they actually are. It's unintentional. But she's a selfish woman.
I'm the reverse of BPD, pretty much chill 24/7, thx God
As someone who has bpd, that sounds amazing to me !
Ummk... what a great add to the conversation.
I too am a son who's emotionally unstable largely due to the way I was raised but my mom doesn't care cause she's more unstable and stuck in her ways while I'm trying to heal.
Needless to say we haven't talked in a while
This explains so much to me of someone that I know. Thank you.❤
Don't know what I' do if my child insulted me on anyone in my household. I'd have to make the difficult decision to send him/her away.
This mom messed up his siblings by letting him get away with this and I'm sure the siblings got at the least mentally abused by BP sibling. It was probably hell growing up with him and he got a pass to placate his rage.
This is only one side. BPD is usually caused by childhood trauma. Dollars to doughnuts either she or her husband is a very chameleon like narcissist who severely emotionally and maybe even physically abused the child.
Welp I guess it's official. My issue is BPD. Except the trauma was not having a dad at home and being banished to my room for 2 years of my childhood
As someone who clearly has BPD I would never ask my parents to take me back. I'll sleep in my car, or mainly couch surf at my friends before I ever go back to them
Is it because they make your bpd worse or because you don't want them to deal with you?
My husbands first wife is BPD. When she turned 30 she seemed to cool down a little bit. Her teens and 20’s were like walking through fire, though.
When we got engaged she went out and got married to the first guy she could find - and HE was BPD. It was a long 4 years of hell with them.
So grateful to be living in Ireland. Medical costs etc are free when one needs help. Even the Doctors to see re mental health is free. Plus my medications. America is a disgrace.
Grace. I am Irish. Medical care is means tested as you know. So if one earns over a certain amount then you do not get a Medical card. And must pay, this being the reason why so many have the VHI. But yes, Medical services are free for the poorer sector. And I agree with you re the USA.
In America it’s all about the cash and big Pharma runs the show. About the only things docs do is push pills.
I didn't know the police called parents
Because the car was registered to the father.
I wonder how many figures of history who actually did something suffered from BPD
That was a lot and she asked the right questions and has the right instincts and oh that’s so hard. I love hearing parents talk about the love of their kids. 🥹🥺🥹🥺
BPD is the worst to deal with. Having a borderline mother is a life of misery. Absolutely horrific, I have a hard time garnering sympathy for people who have BPD, they are some of the most destructive people. I get that they are suffering but man, they sure spread that suffering as far as they can.
First of all I want to say I’m sorry for your experience with your mother, I totally get why you may struggle having sympathy for these people when they remind you so much of the worst influence in your life. But I also want you to consider that not everyone with bpd is just intentionally or remorselessly doling out suffering wherever they go. I highly suspect I have bpd and am working on getting assessed for it but I want you to know that the pain of feeling dangerous or unsafe is such a burden and I would give anything not to have this issue. For the most part I have felt pretty benign in my life but being in a relationship made me really see the monster in me and it sucks. I am in therapy and trying to take all the right steps. I say this just to emphasise that there are many people with bpd who are equally as disturbed by their behaviour as you are and are desperate to correct it. While I understand that it is extremely difficult to feel compassion towards individuals who have caused you much pain just try and remember that not everyone with this disorder is alike
Can I add that son needs to live on his own? Mom & Dad will not be around forever. He will be homeless if she does not do this FOR him. (Not TO him.) My ex dealt with this. His mom died. And he has been homeless. Because he never has askills needed to be able to live on his own. My ex needed to be on disability due to this… It was extreme. Extreme. It’s completely heartbreaking. I was with my ex for seven years and he could not live with me. I have children and I was not going to expect them to livewith his erratic behavior. It hurts so much.
My son is 33. He’d be dead if he didn’t live with me but you are right. I’m older now and I just need some peace in my home. At this point we both need to live separately but this damn economy doesn’t help the launch and we keep having setbacks.
The therapist is right.
2:00 well, the general advice is "don't talk to the police " so I think he did a great job 👏
That's what I was thinking. I feel like its illegal for them to try and coerce his parents to convince him to admit guilt.
@@John-du2mq I think she didn't tell the full story. It sounds like he was acting out and that is why they said jail or a 5150
I am someone who has been formally diagnosed with BPD. I'm so fortunate to be able to say that the vast majority of my symptoms are in remission or manageable right now, but that took literal years of HARD work in therapy multiple times a week, hashing through intense trauma and working openly with my family and doctors... The stigma against those with BPD is one of the most intense in the mental health system, unfortunately, and we are often demonized for a condition that isn't our fault and we didn't want or ask for. 🤷🏻♀️ That being said, if we aren't in treatment, like therapy (DBT is a must, EMDR is fantastic) and possibly medication (BPD often is comorbid with things like Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD) then we can cause some serious damage in our relationships... Even though we don't want to. We're absolutely terrified of abandonment and yet we at times feel powerless to stop our own collapse of those treasured relationships.
A couple things - BPD does have genetic links, but also everyone who develops BPD has some type of intense trauma, either single instance based, but often a series of traumas... I hope this mom realizes that just because SHE doesn't think her son's childhood was traumatic, there are probably plenty of things she doesn't know, and she shouldn't invalidate his experience. Especially to assuage her guilt.
Dr. John is right about boundaries. That being said, boundaries are incredibly difficult for folks with BPD to process and accept initially. He will test them, even subconsciously, to see if they hold and to see if you'll love him through it. 🤷🏻♀️ You can't ask people with BPD to "just snap out of it". THIS IS HOW THEIR BRAIN WORKS. And, when triggered,.it is like your brain is on fire. The intensity of the lows isn't something I'd with on my worst enemy, and we'll often try just about anything to calm that intensity down, often with a myriad of maladaptive coping mechanisms.
That being said, I am also firmly convinced that having BPD allows me to experience a level of compassion and empathy for others that those without BPD often aren't as easily capable of. I try to view the intensity of my empathy for others as a gift that when used wisely can be a blessing to others instead of a curse. People with BPD are often very perceptive and picked up on things that others don't. When we have good coping strategies, good support behind us, and have learned to live well with our disorder, ideally reaching remission of the most harmful symptoms, we can love those around us well and foster positive growth in our relationships instead of tearing them down.
I'm a wife and mom of three little kids and it's my greatest mission in life to be a blessing in their life instead of a curse and to provide them with the unique level of encouragement that I did not receive while growing up so that hopefully they can avoid developing mental health disorders like my own. To say it is always easy would be the farthest thing from the truth, but I try my best every single day.
I understand trying to protect someone and keeping their diagnosis private, but when they’re on the verge of losing it, what good is holding this information private going to do ? Her son is already acting out, his mental situation is not a secret.
There are only specific circumstances that allow a therapist to break confidentiality without losing their license, and threatening to harm one's self is one of those circumstances though ordinarily a therapist would report that to the police
Unless there is a release of information signed by the client, you can’t disclose anything to anyone. However, harm to self or others is one time that you can. It sounds like the therapist did follow protocol here.
“To my knowledge there’s been no abuse” smh
Why? There is nothing about that statement that isn’t true.
@@OP-1000 ykiyk
This is the HR lady at our office. She is not well but the boss thinks she can do no wrong.
What does that have to do with BPD
@@Hamyhamster24 The op is saying the HR lady may have BPD.
😂😂😂😂
Healthcare of the US is a freaking mess. Have fun finding a DBT therapist. This really a shame that BPD is one of the most treatable conditions, but the mechanism we know works best is so hard to come by in most American cities and states. And the way insurance companies handle mental health treatment just adds insult to injury.
The research is questionable too. The sample sizes for the studies are small. The percipients are at most 290 in some studies just ranging 10 years. And as low as 62 participants ranging for 16 years. Studies can be misleading. Each person is complicated with different biology and chemical differences. Plus co morbidity with other illnesses makes it difficult to take this research as the full truth
Yeah, Momma, stabilize yourself!
If you don’t put your O2 mask on 1st you’ll be too passed out to help your kids when the plane crashes, right?
Yet here you are trying to breathe through this son’s mask.
As though if only you could get him some air, then you could exhale…
Nah. That’s backward.
You can’t teach him to breathe right by letting your panic about him and his future steal his air.
You gotta step back.
Suggest a safe healthy place for him to go get qualified, experienced, specialized, capable support structures in place for his life and then add your relationship as part of that mix as he becomes ready to manage it.
But learn why boundaries are healthy, supportive, and appropriate. For you. 1st.
Because you can’t solve his emotions when yours are dis regulated by enmeshment.
Do not act surprised, therapists HAVE TO DIAGNOSE at least to a level that placates the insurance companies. They HAVE to put wha tthey are treating for.
But they're not allowed to share a diagnosis with a layperson.
Like the person above said... patient-client privacy was breached. But sounds like for legit reasons, after she explained.
I fully agree with this. But I feel like these words need to come from the father. As the man of the house, and the head of his family, he needs to be the one to set the boundaries. Man to man. And to protect you as well.
Go keto or at least low carb no sugar ❤️
B A N A N A S
Boundaries with BPD...does that actually work ? I tried but...
Yeah it's helpful. You have to be kinda hard about it like walking away, pretend they are invisible, or leave and do your own thing for a while. It sounds mean but it helpsif they are being pushy or unstable.
To the teacher:
When I was young, BPD was bipolar disorder. Now it’s borderline personality. Are those the same thing?
No, they are two different diagnostics. However BP according to the DSM is Bipolar disorder, and BPD is borderline personality disorder!
I think those have always been different things. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, characterized by major depressive (low mood) episodes and manic (high mood) episodes. During the extreme high and low mood periods it's usually like the person is stuck on that setting and cannot shift their mood, even if they normally would (like if they're in the depressed phase and something wonderful happens, they won't flip a switch and become manic all of the sudden, even if normally that event causes a lot of excitement). The mania can also sometimes lead to extreme paranoia and/or psychosis. These mood cycles are usually interrupted by regular moods too. Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, is a personality disorder characterized by extreme emotional dysregulation, and there aren't periods of regular moods. As Dr. Delony was describing, there can be a switch flip where something happens and the person's emotions radically shift from one extreme to the other, because their emotions are always so strong. There aren't sustained resistant-to-change periods of one mood state. The two disorders have a lot of symptoms in common because both create extreme emotions, but they do so in different ways.
@@flashthecorgi2053 thank you for clarifying. I was truly confused.
@@calleythompson2781 thank you for this deep dive. This really helps me get a grasp of what this caller is dealing with and the difference between the 2. Very grateful for your time creating this thoughtful well written response.
First, it’s ALWAYS the parents fault in some way. We always mess up our kids in some way. Not her fault that her son is sick but why did she wait until after several years of suicide attempts to find out about his illness and official symptoms. He needs to be in a psych hospital for a while and get meds and treatment and she needs to pay for it, because they are expensive. Sending him out on his own with this debilitating illness is not a good idea. I would recommend family counseling as a group with the end purpose of an intervention to get him to willingly go into a psych hospital
It's NOT always the parents fault.
Trauma can happen outside of the home.....at school, at work, at a friend's house. And most people who experience trauma do not develop BPD. I had an EXTREME childhood and do not have a personality disorder. As Dr. John said, there can be a genetic component. Also, therapists aren't allowed to simply share someone's diagnosis. A patient has to give permission for that. If a patient is suicidal, they are supposed to report them to the police. And she doesn't need to pay for his treatment; he's a grown man. He needs to get health insurance and start to be responsible for his own mental health. I spent 15 years working through the wounds of my childhood because I was serious about wanting to be free of that pain. People who are serious about their well-being do the work and/or seek professional help. Those who are not don't.
I think they should have just banned him from driving because he needs some stability in his life.
You cannot stop a 20 year old from driving
Bpd is usually caused by the parents .. makes u wonder what she did to her kid .. I think she's playing innocent just like all narcs do
I watched a documentary and it said that many times there is no trauma and its more a genetic thing. never know but more may come out about the genetic part being the cause.
@@askquestions1236 which doc?
Amber Heard has BPD - but Delony loves those people - what a nut job - and he's giving advice. My God...
Not everybody displays BPD the same! John worked really close with people struggling especially while he was the dean of students trying to guide them in life!
Um you do realize Amber Heard and people with bpd aren't synonymous right?
She is an example of the personality traits of BPD - and he "loves" people like that. This is the guy giving advice.@@snoozyq9576
I think BPD's can be very charming. And I think he is saying that as it is one of the hardest disorders to treat and most folks will abandon them. I think he is validating them. The average person probably should run from them. But they are confusing to be around, and discombobulate you. So most people, by the time they come to their senses, feel extremely worn out, dealing with the person with BPD.
@@michaelpalumbo4880I’m sure he doesn’t love them
When they are in their anger phase. He said he loves them because they can feel so joyful and happy. Wouldn’t you want to feel an immense amount of joy and happiness from time to time? Also, not everyone that has BPD displays as amber heard does. It’s all different!
Why don't they just put them in like a group home I'm pretty sure you could do that anywhere and then they just get like their disability check instead of it going to the parents you would just give his disability check to the group home that's what they should just do put them in one of those and they can go visit him every once in a while
Because he’s an adult… BPD doesn’t mean he’s disabled or incapable of refusing help/making his own decisions. They can’t just force him into a group home lol, not if he doesn’t want to live in one.
hahah. i know you mean well, but BPD does not make you disabled, although it feel like a disability. It sounds like he is also an alcoholic so a dual diagnosis rehab would be the best thing for him.
change your name, change your phone number, move across the country
Is this a real mental health issue or a religious matter? Religion puts high demands on younger people.
Has she spent her life justifying his bad behavior instead of teaching him to adjust to the world he lives in and will inherit once she is gone?
She needs to prepare him to adjust to the world, the realistic consequences of his behavior. Because the laws won’t change to accommodate special needs of psychopaths either… right?
Ok, maybe these days that’s a bad example especially if you live in… like… California 😂 🤣 where the sociopaths and policymakers are 1 in the same. Right?
But you get what I mean.
Our responsibility as parents is not to make the world roll out the red carpet for the kids we feel should get different rules applied to them, but rather to prepare them that it won’t, and how to cope with that and manage their own lives within those parameters.
This lady is a codependent to her BPD son. Whoa. That’s a ton of pressure to put on a kid - imagine - being responsible for your mom’s life - as a kid!?!
Kids can’t handle that type of pressure even when they are neuronormative.
Momma, your instincts might be over-caring, preventing your son from learning to cope with the consequences of his actions in this world. Your protection from those might be robbing him of valuable lessons he requires to grow and develop maturity.
Your protective blanket over him is only causing problems for the rest of your family. You have expensed them to emotionally afford to focus so much on him.
And his mood dictates your response - instead of the other way around. You’ve made this “anchorless” person your anchor. He’s out of control yet controls you - your decisions, emotions, feelings, and actions.
Take a step back, Momma.
Focus on you.
On somebody else in the family.
Show them the struggler isn’t going to have the upper hand of authority over this family anymore. They deserve that for their future relationships with you.
If you had a magic wand we know you would wave it to erase his pain… but you can’t do anything about that. He literally has to do the work now to help himself learn to self soothe and grow up.
You can’t control the world around him forever. Or his environment and if you could he’d never have gotten a DUI…
Right?
So, absolve yourself of that responsibility, now. Because it’s impossible. And you’re not food at it. Because it takes more than caring. It takes highly trained, specialized, experienced, professional care.
Unless your home is staffed and are setup like a psych treatment facility, you don’t have that level of support available to him. You can’t offer that in a safe or healthy way for your family. So pretending you can manage life for him is lying to yourself and putting all of them at potential risk. On his behalf. Including him.
You have to stop.
Get help for your codependency. For real. In a few weeks this can all change, if you do that, this dynamic can get healthier even with his BPD even around it. If you decide you’re worth being healthy weather he can be or not.
L
P
P😅
He gets dui and put into mental health issues. Answer is u must leave ?? Seriously. Lets push u out and shun you????? He needs love and help not shunning. Get him help. Geesh. Stop doing yhis to your kids.
So, setting boundaries is shunning now?
You take him in then. Let this woman protect her sanity
Also....one simply cannot get help for another adult. They have to want help and be committed to doing the work to improve their mental health. He's already in therapy and he's been committed in the past. I doubt he'd be willing to do residential or intense outpatient treatment. And if he is, he can google options as well as she can. He's not psychotic or intellectually compromised; he's fully capable of taking responsibility for his own wellness. People who really want to get well do everything they can to do so...they don't sit around waiting to be rescued.
What if John baloney is the worst counselor ever?
Well, if that were the case and you're still watching him you just really like him anyway.
@@RepentImmediately touché he’s ok he just really talks down to people by saying his way is always right and that’s not true for everyone like god and Jesus. That bullshit
He is when he is dealing with bpd people haha. I have bpd and I do the splitting thing so I totally understand this 😅
@@HOLDXSTEELyou really are insecure and insert things that are not there. Why? I don't observe that at all. I observe you projecting childish emotions onto him, and not able to disconnect your jealousy or insecurity or rage, or whatever it is that composes that chip on your shoulder. The average person is neutral, you aren't.
@@HOLDXSTEELI don't perceive him that way. Not saying I always agree with his advice but the people calling in are seeking HIS advice. There are plenty of other options. They know who they're calling and they wouldn't be calling him if they didn't respect his particular opinion.
I’m so thankful for this episode