That was a mantra that I used for a couple of years to keep me going. But it was not easy and there were times where I just wasn't sure if I could continue. Thankful I did.
I was angry that my ex was still controlling my life and messing with me through the kids. Spending time to continuously lower my expectations of her helped. A few sessions of EMDR really helped me to care so much less about her shenanigans, too. It's important to feel your emotions and do what you need to heal as quickly as you can; that's a different timeline for everybody. But the sooner you can take the emotion out of it the sooner you get your power back that you've been giving away to them.
that is great advice Spider! I really wish EMDR would have worked for me - I think I was in such a bad space when I tried it that it was just "too much" for me to handle. It is so empowering once you/we finally start to take our power back!
I recently gave up on family court forever. I can't help my son. If I keep trying I'll go broke and lose everything I have. I'll stuck with my parenting time and seek out more self care for our family and support my son when he's under my roof
At some point we all get to that point and whatever you have at that time is what you got. I was lucky at getting 50/50 but at some point you have to refocus your effort and resources on rebuilding your life…
True that. And I’m coming from the position of my ex being a lawyer (and then marrying the Family Lawyer she engaged to represent her). It’s the truest truth what you wrote. And my ex filters everything through the lens of the law…it’d be nice for her to filter the eyes of a parent.
Yeah, that is a painful truth that we all seem to learn the hard way... I was one of those knuckleheads who thought fairness would be "injected" into this process... Boy was I wrong...
@@GordonPavilion Oh, man! You got really lucky, huh!? Worse than divorcing a narcissist is divorcing a narcissist lawyer. Worse than divorcing a narcissistic lawyer is divorcing a narcissistic lawyer who married the lawyer who was against you in the divorce.
@@reginafarias think the worst thing that you think might happen and then “red line” it. Of course, the “new” guy believes everything my ex says…and it effects the relationship I have with the children.
@@GordonPavilion Unbelievably difficult scenario you have there in the family courts, I can't imagine. How do you keep any faith (and avoid depression) when the courts will always side with your ex and her lawyer partner, all while acting impartial and "just"?
Duane, If you will remember,I found you because I took my x back to court. I won, and Grendel slithered back under a rock. That being said, it was war. It was horrible. It was almost worse than the original divorce. Would I do it again? I don’t know. I ask myself that a lot. What I will say is that you will have to have a bulldog for an attorney, a LOT of money to do it, and a ROCK SOLID support system in place. It damn near killed me. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you. You were a key to keeping myself sane through it. God Bless you and this channel.
It's such a tough question - IF we win, like you did, then it is worth it because it helps achieve peace. What you said right there is the main reason I haven't gone back to court - it just isn't worth the "war" and destruction that would be inevitable - at least for me. BUT had she changed custody I would have had no choice but to go back... Glad I could help and I'm definitely glad to hear life is better!
@@DSD and that’s where the “pick your battle” comes in. If you aren’t ready, let that sleeping dog lie by all means. I think, knowing what you know now, you might psychologically be better “prepared” (but are we ever fully? No.) You are exactly where you need to be right now. Peace and love to you always, my friend! Keep up the amazing work.
Hi Duane Great show 👍 These toxic people should be put behind bars, the harm that it does to so many people. I have decided to step back as my daughter is gone to far it breaks my heart but it seems to be the right thing to do as the court dates are ongoing. Hope you have a wonderful day Duane, love the show keep safe. Mick from Ireland
Hi Mick - you have to prioritize your own mental health. If we destroy ourselves through the process then we don't really accomplish anything (other than letting the ex win). Hope things go better when the court dates come up. Hang in there buddy!
Alienated now going on 19-months. The worse I was doing, the happier she was….then I fought to create a truly magnificent life. That’s when her cruelty became worse. I’m not changing nor is my life. She can live with her shallow thinking in her shallow little life.
DSV that is SO common... And you'd think they "don't care" but the crazy pattern is when/if they think/see you are happy, healing, breaking free, they typically will try to pull you back into the pit of hell... Glad you've broken free from that and have taken your life back!
Duane, I had final mediation prior to trial this week, managed to get some agreement which was great. After dropping my wish for 50:50 in the future. There's upside, of more block time with my boys, but she removed one of my weekly pick ups from school (meaning that I would go 10 days without seeing my boys) I spent the evening just sobbing, even after getting more time than now. I've asked for a small change in the interim, but no response. It's a hard road through it and they'll drag you back into the muddy pid they enjoy any chance that they can get. Just have to move on with life and show up as true self with genuine love for the children. It's hard through the struggle and battle, but I'm not hoping that one day my boys will know how hard my battle was. I'm now looking forward to, the future and thinking that I'm not going to have to deal with the tough past unless I let myself sit in it
Yeah they will make everything as complicated and painful as possible. Plus it seems no matter what you do they just don't compromise nor do they ever see a "good deed" as worth of reciprocating. Hang in there man as long as you have consistent time with your kids you can work on developing a strong and lasting relationship with them. Try to use the "extra" time you have with yourself to work on yourself - just don't let her know or see that you are happy or doing better...
I relate with you. Trying to coparent with someone who doesn't want to or counter-parents is frustrating. You're spot on when it comes to channeling that energy into something useful because otherwise it burns up inside and you're left being completely drained physically and emotionally. What has helped me is focusing on myself and my kids.
I'm glad to hear you are at that point D! I'm not sure how long it too you to have that realization but for me it took about 3 (painful) years. They drama doesn't stop but it sure does become more manageable when we start to understand that truth!
Anger is neither good or bad. It's an emotion. It's what you do with it that matters. It can be unhealthy when you start to fixate, which I got caught up in. I eventually got tired of having toxic people on the brain and it physically affecting me.
It's so sad the part when you said, "take myself out so to speak". I've been there 😔. I still struggle knowing such demons in sheeps clothing walking among us.
Man that is rough DeFi Dad. I know you already know this but you just have to break down your priorities and what is the *most* important thing. I suppose if I was in your situation employment would be the first solution, then it would be how to bring money back in (thinking what could I sell to give me cash - I ALWAYS have backup plans for that scenario), and then it would be the question of staying or leaving/moving. One "benefit" of losing everything (which I didn't actually lose everything) is that you get to rebuild. I'm grateful I've maintained my "job"/career throughout this BUT had I lost everything I would have moved somewhere else and started working on something different. Not sure what that would have been but it would have COMPLETELY reset my life. That can be a blessing or a curse and sometimes it depends on how we look at it. I'm sure these words seem hollow when you are in the situation you're in right now...
Maybe it’s time to walk away now-but that doesn’t mean forever. You’re not “giving up,” you’re taking an indeterminate time out to take care of you for the remaining years until the kids become of legal age.
Your channel has been life changing to help me understand first what was happening, then i grew to acceptance, there’s no fairness or justice really it just is and now I am learning to live an entire separate life they can’t reach or take away. Coparenting on the crazy ferris wheel never stops running so I learned to not even get on the ride. Court will not help, two years left and I am free. More still i am free now. For a very long time I learned to be their prisoner. When I got out of the cage I was confused and believed I was still in prison- learned helplessness. I also have had to step away from court from my own sanity. Court literally does nothing and my ex loves court, i’ve never seen him so engaged and excited. I have not walked away from my child, my reality is long distance parenting from another state and accepting those are the only parameters I can operate in. My finances are in ruins fighting a never ending battle. I have chosen to just set boundaries on what’s left, accept the unfairness and embrace life where it is right now. There is also a lot of social stigma on being the non custodial parent, it is not my fault, i don’t deserve it, my child doesn’t deserve it but this is what has happened. Even child support court was a joke. As a self employed person I was allowed zero business deductions. Even still I have to accept, just pay it, get a second job and somehow live while paying the ex, it’s not forever. I refuse to let the ex blow out my hope candle.
Your story is so similar to my own. Everything you're talking about is so difficult to accept and embrace. I was so anger for so long - and that was even with 50/50. These situations really wear you down and if we don't stop ourselves we will destroy ourselves. And the reality is that is EXACTLY what they want us to do. I hope, even though from afar you have been able to maintain a good connection your children. It is so tough and difficult especially with a person who is hellbent on destroying that relationship...
Great to see you again Duane. Great advice and video as always. Thank you for the post. I hope you all had a wonderful break. I avoided the court stuff but the legal fees were still huge and just a waste of hard earned money if you know what I mean when it comes to settlements - yet still financially and emotionally devastating.. As for fairness, the system is not fair. The kids are stuck in the middle and as for us.....!! And so true, the exes think that we are a money pit and they will exploit the system to get what they can from of us. So sorry you, me and others had to go thru that too. Anger and trigger points always lurk in the background and like you said we must manage any anger or triggers points we have otherwise it will eat us inside and make it more difficult for us to move on and rebuild our lives. And that is what others going thru this must realise ... the earlier one draws a line in the sand and continues with their life and maintain a great relationship with the children and minimise legal stuff unless necessary, the better it is for us.
Hi Chris great to hear from you! It is amazing how much *destruction* these people cause especially when it comes to court. That f'ing system is just designed to drain you of every dime you have and financially ruin you. The sad part is a toxic narcissistic ex doesn't care and will fully comply with this system because they want to win... It would be like giving your 9 year old child full unrestricted access to ALL your resources and letting them drain them... I hope you're doing better Chris I know how these situations just seem to have those daily reminders of what they have done. Like I said before it took me almost three years to really start to break free from that mindset...
@DSD, Duane, Thanks so much for your many contributions, on behalf of myself and all of your followers over these many years. I really appreciate you addressing this particular topic in your posted video. This is just my personal opinion here, but I firmly believe that the more videos that you can create that deal with the variety of emotional difficulties and challenges that are inherent with this ugly journey (divorcing an NPD), the better we may all begin to connect, learn, and ultimately heal, through your channel. You're very well versed in so much of this space and you're an incredible listener and a great Leader. The net results (and parallels) that each of your viewers experience is that we are all left with are unresolved emotional baggage from these experiences with NPD's. Many times that emotional baggage lasts with us for a very long time. Sometimes, it leaves us all with emotional scars and baggage that lasts a lifetime. When that happens it can literally change how we feel inside and how we process information and even change how we view the world (as you even mentioned in this particular video...as that happened to you). That's a very serious ramification. The bottom line is that these experiences often create changes within a person that are very much undesired. And while getting deeper into the roots of the emotional damage is often best done with counselors ( at much deeper levels), I do think that your channel presents an opportunity to at least begin to delve into these various emotions, which get created from each of these experiences. All of this said, I think that starting to address those emotions by recognizing them (individually) would be such a great direction for your channel today. You're surely well versed in this space already, but a short list (to start with), might be: the specific emotions (and emotional impacts) from such items as parenting alienation, smear campaigns, cognitive dissonance, flying monkeys, gaslighting, etc. It's your channel, but I just thought that I'd mention (that in my opinion), I believe it could be extremely helpful to your audience members to start discussing what we're all going through, as a group. I'm guessing that you regularly struggle to discern which content and material might be best suited to introduce to your audience ( in your posts), but it's my opinion that your audience will extrapolate significant value from exploring each of these unique and different emotions that get created from these ugly and harmful experiences with NPD's (i.e. from an ugly smear campaign, or legal battle with false allegations, etc.). None of us desire to create or add difficult "emotional baggage" that can follow us in our lives and none of us desire to keep carrying ugly emotions, feelings or scars with us, that only stand to weigh us down every day. And while anger is one emotion that certainly continues to be a very difficult emotion to face and overcome, there are so many other emotions that are just as difficult to experience while going through these very challenging experiences and times. This is just a very short list, but some of these difficult emotions are pain, confusion, abandonment, isolation, sadness, fear, anxiety, depression, etc.. I bring this up because you are so good at being authentic about your own experiences and connecting with your audience, and that's specifically where so many of us connect with you. Given the fact that there are so many unavoidable emotional challenges and journeys that we all have to go on, (whether we are prepared to or not), I think you can help so many of us connect with one another, using your platform. It is so incredibly helpful to us all, when we connect with other people who are experiencing a similar journey. When we can experience that with someone, vs. try and face it alone (as I've done), the benefits are exponential. I can certainly say that I wasn''t remotely prepared for this journey. Like all your other viewers, when the person that we marry and/or fall in love with for so many years, abruptly changes their "face" and suddenly comes out and attacks you (without any cause or good reason), it's a crazy experience that brings up a lot of unchartered emotions. When the person that we loved most in our lives turns on you, and suddenly becomes your enemy.... It's an amazingly difficult situation to face. To this day (almost 5 years later), I'm still in awe and complete shock that this situation is what I'm dealing with. I would never have imagined this current situation, and I am often still in shock, dealing with so many new emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with. And that's what we're left with, the unbridled emotional impact from their nasty games and ugly behavior. That's what we're all left with, so let's talk about them and try to work through them all together. There are truly so many different emotions that we are all dealing with in this journey. I can't even begin to list them all, let alone describe all of them, but we are ALL going through these different emotions and the different stages of them. I believe that's one of the most difficult aspects of this entire experience. Clearly not one of us in your audience would have continued to pursue a relationship with someone that we thought could turn on us so deeply and so sharply and suddenly become our arch enemy. But that's how it works with an NPD. Once they evict you out of their "mirror" you become an enemy. This initially creates a feeling of shock (with so many other emotions to come) that one could truly never encapsulate these feelings with anyone that hasn't personally experienced this crazy ride themselves. I sincerely thank you Duane, as you're always sharing your vulnerability, providing a source of empathy, and regularly partnering with so many of us that need help and companionship in this difficult journey.
Demons need to be cast out in the name of Jesus. I had anger problems and most if the time I wanted my son way. Power driven. I recently got angry for a few months but had to spend time with the Lord Jesus who is the only one that can deal with me
I'm so glad to hear you've found a positive way to deal with all of this Michael. I never really understood "Jesus take the wheel" until I went through this. I thought it was just BS "churchy" talk but there is a lot of truth to it.
Something tells me your “ex” is “attractive” and she used her “charm” in the beginning of your” relationship.” To sweep you off of your feet. You were taken advantages of because you are a nice/good guy. I promise you if you were an a***** she would not have crossed you the moment she met you. I feel for you man. Trust me I get it.
I took two years of litigation and 25 k to save my boys from my ex……1 and 1/2 years s was takin losses ……. I won full custody…… I have to say I still am bitter towards the court the lawyers and the system… also women…… haven’t dated in three years they arnt worth it! Don’t give up men you can win but you have to have total hatred and vitriol that is channeled it’s very hard and you come out angry…. Good luck!!!!
Since when do they need a “reason” for anything they do?! Reasoning ability only goes in one direction and it’s not their’s. They just stick with the crazy. The why question has an answer of course: Because they can.
KO still not really following. But if you're asking why would they make things complicated and play games. Well it's first because if they can destroy your reputation then if you say anything bad about them they know it will be harder for people to believe. Next if they can beat you down or wear you out then you're more likely to make mistakes or give up.
Thanks Duane. “She will not break me.”Words that keep me pushing forward. They hate when you are doing well.
That was a mantra that I used for a couple of years to keep me going. But it was not easy and there were times where I just wasn't sure if I could continue. Thankful I did.
I was angry that my ex was still controlling my life and messing with me through the kids. Spending time to continuously lower my expectations of her helped. A few sessions of EMDR really helped me to care so much less about her shenanigans, too. It's important to feel your emotions and do what you need to heal as quickly as you can; that's a different timeline for everybody. But the sooner you can take the emotion out of it the sooner you get your power back that you've been giving away to them.
that is great advice Spider! I really wish EMDR would have worked for me - I think I was in such a bad space when I tried it that it was just "too much" for me to handle. It is so empowering once you/we finally start to take our power back!
I recently gave up on family court forever. I can't help my son. If I keep trying I'll go broke and lose everything I have. I'll stuck with my parenting time and seek out more self care for our family and support my son when he's under my roof
At some point we all get to that point and whatever you have at that time is what you got. I was lucky at getting 50/50 but at some point you have to refocus your effort and resources on rebuilding your life…
"The system isn't designed for fairness, the system isn't designed for justice!" This is brutal because the system is all we have.
True that.
And I’m coming from the position of my ex being a lawyer (and then marrying the Family Lawyer she engaged to represent her).
It’s the truest truth what you wrote. And my ex filters everything through the lens of the law…it’d be nice for her to filter the eyes of a parent.
Yeah, that is a painful truth that we all seem to learn the hard way... I was one of those knuckleheads who thought fairness would be "injected" into this process... Boy was I wrong...
@@GordonPavilion Oh, man! You got really lucky, huh!? Worse than divorcing a narcissist is divorcing a narcissist lawyer. Worse than divorcing a narcissistic lawyer is divorcing a narcissistic lawyer who married the lawyer who was against you in the divorce.
@@reginafarias think the worst thing that you think might happen and then “red line” it. Of course, the “new” guy believes everything my ex says…and it effects the relationship I have with the children.
@@GordonPavilion Unbelievably difficult scenario you have there in the family courts, I can't imagine. How do you keep any faith (and avoid depression) when the courts will always side with your ex and her lawyer partner, all while acting impartial and "just"?
I think the Rebuilding Book is helpful. It says anger will come but it is energy. Don’t waste it in a dead relationship
I love that book. It really helped me when I was really spirally downward
Duane,
If you will remember,I found you because I took my x back to court. I won, and Grendel slithered back under a rock. That being said, it was war. It was horrible. It was almost worse than the original divorce. Would I do it again?
I don’t know. I ask myself that a lot. What I will say is that you will have to have a bulldog for an attorney, a LOT of money to do it, and a ROCK SOLID support system in place. It damn near killed me.
I couldn’t have gotten through it without you. You were a key to keeping myself sane through it.
God Bless you and this channel.
It's such a tough question - IF we win, like you did, then it is worth it because it helps achieve peace. What you said right there is the main reason I haven't gone back to court - it just isn't worth the "war" and destruction that would be inevitable - at least for me. BUT had she changed custody I would have had no choice but to go back... Glad I could help and I'm definitely glad to hear life is better!
@@DSD and that’s where the “pick your battle” comes in.
If you aren’t ready, let that sleeping dog lie by all means.
I think, knowing what you know now, you might psychologically be better “prepared” (but are we ever fully? No.)
You are exactly where you need to be right now.
Peace and love to you always, my friend! Keep up the amazing work.
Yeah very true - and yes I do think I am more "prepared" but I also know it would be a drain on my mental capacity as well as financial...
Hi Duane Great show 👍
These toxic people should be put behind bars, the harm that it does to so many people.
I have decided to step back as my daughter is gone to far it breaks my heart but it seems to be the right thing to do as the court dates are ongoing.
Hope you have a wonderful day Duane, love the show keep safe.
Mick from Ireland
Hi Mick - you have to prioritize your own mental health. If we destroy ourselves through the process then we don't really accomplish anything (other than letting the ex win). Hope things go better when the court dates come up. Hang in there buddy!
“Letting go” from David Hawkins is a good book on this topic.
I'll have to put that on my Audible list Filip!
Alienated now going on 19-months. The worse I was doing, the happier she was….then I fought to create a truly magnificent life. That’s when her cruelty became worse. I’m not changing nor is my life. She can live with her shallow thinking in her shallow little life.
DSV that is SO common... And you'd think they "don't care" but the crazy pattern is when/if they think/see you are happy, healing, breaking free, they typically will try to pull you back into the pit of hell... Glad you've broken free from that and have taken your life back!
Duane,
I had final mediation prior to trial this week, managed to get some agreement which was great. After dropping my wish for 50:50 in the future.
There's upside, of more block time with my boys, but she removed one of my weekly pick ups from school (meaning that I would go 10 days without seeing my boys)
I spent the evening just sobbing, even after getting more time than now.
I've asked for a small change in the interim, but no response.
It's a hard road through it and they'll drag you back into the muddy pid they enjoy any chance that they can get.
Just have to move on with life and show up as true self with genuine love for the children.
It's hard through the struggle and battle, but I'm not hoping that one day my boys will know how hard my battle was.
I'm now looking forward to, the future and thinking that I'm not going to have to deal with the tough past unless I let myself sit in it
Yeah they will make everything as complicated and painful as possible. Plus it seems no matter what you do they just don't compromise nor do they ever see a "good deed" as worth of reciprocating. Hang in there man as long as you have consistent time with your kids you can work on developing a strong and lasting relationship with them. Try to use the "extra" time you have with yourself to work on yourself - just don't let her know or see that you are happy or doing better...
I relate with you. Trying to coparent with someone who doesn't want to or counter-parents is frustrating. You're spot on when it comes to channeling that energy into something useful because otherwise it burns up inside and you're left being completely drained physically and emotionally. What has helped me is focusing on myself and my kids.
I'm glad to hear you are at that point D! I'm not sure how long it too you to have that realization but for me it took about 3 (painful) years. They drama doesn't stop but it sure does become more manageable when we start to understand that truth!
Anger is neither good or bad. It's an emotion. It's what you do with it that matters. It can be unhealthy when you start to fixate, which I got caught up in. I eventually got tired of having toxic people on the brain and it physically affecting me.
It's so sad the part when you said, "take myself out so to speak". I've been there 😔. I still struggle knowing such demons in sheeps clothing walking among us.
I’m broke now, lost employment, on the edge of losing my house… but the legal shit keeps going… I’m lost on what the heck to do now.
Man that is rough DeFi Dad. I know you already know this but you just have to break down your priorities and what is the *most* important thing. I suppose if I was in your situation employment would be the first solution, then it would be how to bring money back in (thinking what could I sell to give me cash - I ALWAYS have backup plans for that scenario), and then it would be the question of staying or leaving/moving. One "benefit" of losing everything (which I didn't actually lose everything) is that you get to rebuild. I'm grateful I've maintained my "job"/career throughout this BUT had I lost everything I would have moved somewhere else and started working on something different. Not sure what that would have been but it would have COMPLETELY reset my life. That can be a blessing or a curse and sometimes it depends on how we look at it. I'm sure these words seem hollow when you are in the situation you're in right now...
Maybe it’s time to walk away now-but that doesn’t mean forever. You’re not “giving up,” you’re taking an indeterminate time out to take care of you for the remaining years until the kids become of legal age.
Needed this tonight. Thank you. Thank you for all you do as well.
You are welcome Elizabeth glad to be of help!
Your channel has been life changing to help me understand first what was happening, then i grew to acceptance, there’s no fairness or justice really it just is and now I am learning to live an entire separate life they can’t reach or take away. Coparenting on the crazy ferris wheel never stops running so I learned to not even get on the ride. Court will not help, two years left and I am free. More still i am free now. For a very long time I learned to be their prisoner. When I got out of the cage I was confused and believed I was still in prison- learned helplessness. I also have had to step away from court from my own sanity. Court literally does nothing and my ex loves court, i’ve never seen him so engaged and excited. I have not walked away from my child, my reality is long distance parenting from another state and accepting those are the only parameters I can operate in. My finances are in ruins fighting a never ending battle. I have chosen to just set boundaries on what’s left, accept the unfairness and embrace life where it is right now. There is also a lot of social stigma on being the non custodial parent, it is not my fault, i don’t deserve it, my child doesn’t deserve it but this is what has happened. Even child support court was a joke. As a self employed person I was allowed zero business deductions. Even still I have to accept, just pay it, get a second job and somehow live while paying the ex, it’s not forever. I refuse to let the ex blow out my hope candle.
Your story is so similar to my own. Everything you're talking about is so difficult to accept and embrace. I was so anger for so long - and that was even with 50/50. These situations really wear you down and if we don't stop ourselves we will destroy ourselves. And the reality is that is EXACTLY what they want us to do. I hope, even though from afar you have been able to maintain a good connection your children. It is so tough and difficult especially with a person who is hellbent on destroying that relationship...
Great to see you again Duane. Great advice and video as always. Thank you for the post.
I hope you all had a wonderful break.
I avoided the court stuff but the legal fees were still huge and just a waste of hard earned money if you know what I mean when it comes to settlements - yet still financially and emotionally devastating.. As for fairness, the system is not fair. The kids are stuck in the middle and as for us.....!!
And so true, the exes think that we are a money pit and they will exploit the system to get what they can from of us. So sorry you, me and others had to go thru that too. Anger and trigger points always lurk in the background and like you said we must manage any anger or triggers points we have otherwise it will eat us inside and make it more difficult for us to move on and rebuild our lives. And that is what others going thru this must realise ... the earlier one draws a line in the sand and continues with their life and maintain a great relationship with the children and minimise legal stuff unless necessary, the better it is for us.
Hi Chris great to hear from you!
It is amazing how much *destruction* these people cause especially when it comes to court. That f'ing system is just designed to drain you of every dime you have and financially ruin you. The sad part is a toxic narcissistic ex doesn't care and will fully comply with this system because they want to win... It would be like giving your 9 year old child full unrestricted access to ALL your resources and letting them drain them...
I hope you're doing better Chris I know how these situations just seem to have those daily reminders of what they have done. Like I said before it took me almost three years to really start to break free from that mindset...
@DSD,
Duane, Thanks so much for your many contributions, on behalf of myself and all of your followers over these many years. I really appreciate you addressing this particular topic in your posted video.
This is just my personal opinion here, but I firmly believe that the more videos that you can create that deal with the variety of emotional difficulties and challenges that are inherent with this ugly journey (divorcing an NPD), the better we may all begin to connect, learn, and ultimately heal, through your channel.
You're very well versed in so much of this space and you're an incredible listener and a great Leader. The net results (and parallels) that each of your viewers experience is that we are all left with are unresolved emotional baggage from these experiences with NPD's. Many times that emotional baggage lasts with us for a very long time. Sometimes, it leaves us all with emotional scars and baggage that lasts a lifetime. When that happens it can literally change how we feel inside and how we process information and even change how we view the world (as you even mentioned in this particular video...as that happened to you). That's a very serious ramification. The bottom line is that these experiences often create changes within a person that are very much undesired. And while getting deeper into the roots of the emotional damage is often best done with counselors ( at much deeper levels), I do think that your channel presents an opportunity to at least begin to delve into these various emotions, which get created from each of these experiences.
All of this said, I think that starting to address those emotions by recognizing them (individually) would be such a great direction for your channel today. You're surely well versed in this space already, but a short list (to start with), might be: the specific emotions (and emotional impacts) from such items as parenting alienation, smear campaigns, cognitive dissonance, flying monkeys, gaslighting, etc. It's your channel, but I just thought that I'd mention (that in my opinion), I believe it could be extremely helpful to your audience members to start discussing what we're all going through, as a group. I'm guessing that you regularly struggle to discern which content and material might be best suited to introduce to your audience ( in your posts), but it's my opinion that your audience will extrapolate significant value from exploring each of these unique and different emotions that get created from these ugly and harmful experiences with NPD's (i.e. from an ugly smear campaign, or legal battle with false allegations, etc.). None of us desire to create or add difficult "emotional baggage" that can follow us in our lives and none of us desire to keep carrying ugly emotions, feelings or scars with us, that only stand to weigh us down every day. And while anger is one emotion that certainly continues to be a very difficult emotion to face and overcome, there are so many other emotions that are just as difficult to experience while going through these very challenging experiences and times. This is just a very short list, but some of these difficult emotions are pain, confusion, abandonment, isolation, sadness, fear, anxiety, depression, etc..
I bring this up because you are so good at being authentic about your own experiences and connecting with your audience, and that's specifically where so many of us connect with you. Given the fact that there are so many unavoidable emotional challenges and journeys that we all have to go on, (whether we are prepared to or not), I think you can help so many of us connect with one another, using your platform. It is so incredibly helpful to us all, when we connect with other people who are experiencing a similar journey. When we can experience that with someone, vs. try and face it alone (as I've done), the benefits are exponential. I can certainly say that I wasn''t remotely prepared for this journey. Like all your other viewers, when the person that we marry and/or fall in love with for so many years, abruptly changes their "face" and suddenly comes out and attacks you (without any cause or good reason), it's a crazy experience that brings up a lot of unchartered emotions. When the person that we loved most in our lives turns on you, and suddenly becomes your enemy.... It's an amazingly difficult situation to face. To this day (almost 5 years later), I'm still in awe and complete shock that this situation is what I'm dealing with. I would never have imagined this current situation, and I am often still in shock, dealing with so many new emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with. And that's what we're left with, the unbridled emotional impact from their nasty games and ugly behavior. That's what we're all left with, so let's talk about them and try to work through them all together.
There are truly so many different emotions that we are all dealing with in this journey. I can't even begin to list them all, let alone describe all of them, but we are ALL going through these different emotions and the different stages of them. I believe that's one of the most difficult aspects of this entire experience. Clearly not one of us in your audience would have continued to pursue a relationship with someone that we thought could turn on us so deeply and so sharply and suddenly become our arch enemy. But that's how it works with an NPD. Once they evict you out of their "mirror" you become an enemy. This initially creates a feeling of shock (with so many other emotions to come) that one could truly never encapsulate these feelings with anyone that hasn't personally experienced this crazy ride themselves.
I sincerely thank you Duane, as you're always sharing your vulnerability, providing a source of empathy, and regularly partnering with so many of us that need help and companionship in this difficult journey.
Demons need to be cast out in the name of Jesus. I had anger problems and most if the time I wanted my son way. Power driven. I recently got angry for a few months but had to spend time with the Lord Jesus who is the only one that can deal with me
I'm so glad to hear you've found a positive way to deal with all of this Michael. I never really understood "Jesus take the wheel" until I went through this. I thought it was just BS "churchy" talk but there is a lot of truth to it.
You know how to do it (to process the anger to get your life back) as you look better now than few years ago, in some videos I was reviewing.
There no good that ever came out of anger, and that's true! Even at work, office, day to day life, it's takes us nowhere. 🙂
So true Employee Ways - and it is such an easy trap to get caught in...
Amen and Amen!!! I'm working on it..
Glad to hear Joseph!
Something tells me your “ex” is “attractive” and she used her “charm” in the beginning of your” relationship.” To sweep you off of your feet. You were taken advantages of because you are a nice/good guy. I promise you if you were an a***** she would not have crossed you the moment she met you. I feel for you man. Trust me I get it.
Pretty much spot on there Naveed! It took me 2 decades to accept what was behind that mask.
I took two years of litigation and 25 k to save my boys from my ex……1 and 1/2 years s was takin losses ……. I won full custody…… I have to say I still am bitter towards the court the lawyers and the system… also women…… haven’t dated in three years they arnt worth it! Don’t give up men you can win but you have to have total hatred and vitriol that is channeled it’s very hard and you come out angry…. Good luck!!!!
Why was she so mad in the first place to do that to you?
What do you mean KO?
@@DSD why would she go so far as to charge things up? What happened?
Since when do they need a “reason” for anything they do?! Reasoning ability only goes in one direction and it’s not their’s. They just stick with the crazy.
The why question has an answer of course: Because they can.
KO still not really following. But if you're asking why would they make things complicated and play games. Well it's first because if they can destroy your reputation then if you say anything bad about them they know it will be harder for people to believe. Next if they can beat you down or wear you out then you're more likely to make mistakes or give up.
@@KO-im6sm I'm guessing you've not personally experienced divorcing an NPD before?