Psychology Professor Reveals How To Silence Your Inner Critic | Dr Kristin Neff | FBLM podcast
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- Опубликовано: 9 мар 2021
- CAUTION ADVISED: this podcast contains mild bad language and themes of an adult nature.
Today’s conversation is all about one of my favourite topics - compassion. But it’s not about compassion for others, it’s about compassion for ourselves and how this can lead to a happier and healthier life. Self-compassion is not only linked to better emotional health, it is important for our physical and mental health too. In fact, there are now over 3000 studies showing the amazing benefits of self-compassion on our wellbeing and my guest this week is one of the leading researchers in this area and along with several others, is responsible for putting self-compassion on the scientific map. Dr Kristin Neff is a professor at the University of Texas in the department of psychology. She’s co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion and the author of several best-selling books on the topic.
In our conversation, Kristin explains what self-compassion is and why it matters. She explains the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. Self-compassion is not about making excuses for yourself nor is it about self-pity, instead, it is very much an active, mindful state. Now I know from my patients that the very notion of self-love can make a lot of people feel very uncomfortable. Kristin explains why this might be and shares many different ways we can give ourselves compassion. She recommends that people experiment and find a method that feels easy and pleasant for them.
Kristin also makes a key distinction between acts of self-care - such as taking a bath, having a massage - and self-compassion. She explains that self-compassion is actually a state of mind. It’s not something you have to do, it doesn’t take time or resources. It’s simply the opposite of being self-critical. It’s a way of thinking that has your own best interests at heart. But, this way of thinking doesn’t come naturally to us. As humans, we are hard-wired for self-criticism - it’s an evolutionary mechanism that makes us feel safe. But when navigating life, who do you want in your head: an enemy who belittles you or a friend who supports you?
At the end of our conversation today, Kristin takes us through a beautiful practical exercise in finding self-compassion that I think you will really enjoy. This is such an important topic that doesn’t get spoken about enough in the conversation around health - I hope you enjoy listening.
Show notes available at drchatterjee.com/163
Connect with Kristin:
Kristin Neff Website self-compassion.org/
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion Webite centerformsc.org/
Twitter / self_compassion
Facebook / selfcompassion
@CenterforMindfulSelfCompassion
Kristin’s Books:
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself amzn.to/3rtq5sW
Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Use Self-Compassion to Stand Up, Claim their Power, and Speak the Truth amzn.to/3ce2XrQ
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive amzn.to/38ktVNz
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138 This Is The Most Powerful Tool To Improve Your Health with Dr Julian Abel • This Is The Most Power...
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#feelbetterlivemore #selfcompassion #compassion
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Thanks doctors. My biggest takeaways - be your own parent and be your own good friend.
Yes! I learned to parent myself and to be gentle with my child within.
“There are many people that are incredibly compassionate to others, and treat themselves terribly” well, that was me before therapy! You are so right Dr. Neff
My narcissistic parent enjoyed harming me. She actually told me once that she enjoyed seeing the suffering on my face. This was calculated, deliberate behaviour over half a century before I walked away. My point is, I was always taught, including my therapist, that people do the best they can and if they knew better they’d do better. Actually that doesn’t apply to all parents. So I’ve come to the to the radical acceptance that there are many members of my family that are beneath contempt in the way they behave and don’t deserve forgiveness. And as iVe freed myself from my family I’ve come to like myself more and be give myself more care and compassion. And I’ve actually start my meditation again after many years.
We need to stop assuming families members, Mums and Dads are benevolent within the family. If I didn’t have to fight against this assumption I wouldn’t have suffered more trauma when I walked away and I would be much farther ahead in my healing.
Great point. The whole " honor your parents" line in churches was traumatizing to me. Not every parent deserves honor.
Thank you both for bringing this wonderful healing information to us that are searching for peace and relief from a hurting heart. ❤️
Thank you for this offering! It was an honour and a great experience listening to you both.
Thank you so much for this very timely and important conversation. I read self compassion (Kristen’s book) about five years ago via audiobook and as a person with childhood ptsd it was extremely powerful. I would say only about 20% got in though. Meditation and mindfulness is definitely a big key to this practice... really learning to create the space inside us to let it sink in deeply where it needs to go.
I had several aha moments today and will definitely listen to this several more times. The fierce compassion - the kind that calls for action and change and for me limit setting with some of my behaviours, is what struck me the most. We need to really love ourselves to truly take good care of ourselves.
Love and compassion is the best medicine!!!Thank you for the great information and the practical approach too.
Loved it! Very powerful compelling conversation rich in evidence for prioritising self compassion as a guiding value. I can vouch for it in my own experience, self compassion is what stopped the incessant critical voice that used to damage my confidence. It is still there sometimes, but much less powerful. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼😍
This was life-changing for me - thank you so much for this!
Thank you for this Podcast ! It's awesome :) Love Dr Kristin Kneff, I'm grateful for this, thanks Dr Rangan!
This is wonderful. This dovetails beautifully into the work of Nicole Sachs LCSW within the chronic pain and other chronic issues world. You would have a fantastic conversation with Nicole, Dr C and could really help millions of people
Thank you for another way to put the self love for ones self into another way to work at it many thanks 🌻🌈
6 min in and I feel much positive already !
Absolutely fantastic podcast. Great questions, examples, and obviously the relevance of the topic. Thank you!
Namaste Sir🙏
Is there a better way to treat fibromyalgia & Arthritis?
Please make a video on this topic🙏
Thank you, Dr. R.Chatterjee and the great interview with Kristin Neff, you have helped change the world,
This is the best conversation to date Dr Chatterjee, thank you Kristin for your research and wisdom. It would be great to hear from Tara Brach next please.
Thanks so much. Would love to speak to Tara Brach at some point - let me see what I can do!
Loved this conversation, much needed
This is such a valuable self-compassion Dinther antidote to self-criticism ❤
Thank you Dr Chatterjee wish I could meet you
Really good, thnx for this , this is the first podcast I am listening to on your channel!
This video is awesome, thank you.
Im so glad you finally had Kristen Neff on she is so good for parents as well as weight loss.
Looking forward to this. 🙏🏼🌸🙏🏼
ruclips.net/video/sEhiH1zaKpA/видео.html ❤❤❤
Same!
This is going to be a good one
Great interview 🙏
Yes!!!i can't wait for this🎉
this doctor is very down to earth nd nice person.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I would have been very interested to hear more about self-compassion in context. For example, I'm taking an art class (something I've never done before) and I'm self-critical to the point of being toxic. I've reached the point where I'm too paralyzed with self-hatred to the point where I'm unable to paint or make a collage just for the sake of creative play. You mentioned the example of the futbal coach, but very few of us (especially chronic failures) have ANY external support in our lives.
PS-- Dr. RC: you speak a great deal about weight loss/obesity, etc. I strongly recommend that you do a literature search because while you have an excellent understanding of the conditions that cause people to overeat, once a pt is morbidly obese, we're actually dealing with an entirely different disease. The problem with dieting is it doesn't work. There's also a very serious problem with the calories in/calories out model that most westerners believe. (The truth is far more complicated.) The best shot most people have at living at a healthy weight is bariatric surgery, which not only sets mechanical limits, but also provides a profound metabolic reset (including being curative for DM II.)
PPS- Neff lost me completely when she said her son failed ONE exam and she immediately called a meeting with all of his teachers. THAT is helicopter parenting! The fact that her son was upset about failing the exam indicates that he could have worked through his "failure" independently.
Intermittent fasting is the way to go for weight loss, absolutely no down sides. Take away insulin and give your own body a chance to feed on its own fat stores.
Its not possible to give ourselves unconditional love if we've never received unconditional love.
I beg to differ. You deserve so much love and because you havnt been shown it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist in you. There are walls in the way, they have been build as a protective mechanism inorder to avoid hurt. I say this because I've felt very similar thoughts. It's good to speak of the pain you've gone through as the first step, it's such a big step. Vulnerability to us would seem like weakness and for this I would suggest watching brene browns videos. Her teachings have allowed me to dive into myself, all the hard parts I've kept locked up. I cried so much yesterday as I spoke to myself of my past pain, and while being vulnerable and expressing it, I learnt so many patterns I was unconscious of. These exact patterns were the reason for not being my authentic self in friendships and relationships. I was afraid that if I was myself I would be rejected, so I needed to be someone else. The strong, confident kind who keeps achieving. Obviously I'm officially burnt out now. I can't keep up the facade. Long story short, self compassion is one of the best, most honest ways to self healing. You can take shortcuts and you can't avoid the ways of the universe. You are love and the universe is guiding you back to yourself. Are you listening? Sending you lots of love.
*you can't take shortcuts
It is possible if you decide to - if you just determinedly decide that unconditional love & self acceptance will begin with you in this moment.
GO RANGAN!! LOVE FROM INDIA!!👏👏🙏🙏
Happy Healthy Thoughts all day long 😘💕🎁👍
the pep talk this week called for :D love this! thank you!!
Mindfullness is great in theory but very difficult to do.
I think that’s why it’s something to practise on a daily basis. It’s very hard to just switch on in difficult times unless you practice it in your daily life on a small scale first.
The mind and body can never learn if they are not challenged.
I love Kirsten Neff and admire all the work she does for the world! I get so frustrated when mental health professional's say "commit suicide" instead of the person died by suicide or took their own life! It is so stigmatising and hurtful to bereaved familys!!
Thank you, I had not heard this until recently- and you're completely right. That phrasing IS hurtful and completely unhelpful.
Self-compassion and mindfulness ushers in self-care of our emotions, so we can thoroughly enjoy the beauty and colorful aspects of Life.
Praise you for self-compassion and mindfulness approach to health and well-being.
Your book, “Fierce Self Compassion” is next in Audible queue!
Thank you Kristin and Dr. Chatterjee!
There 's plenty material available on how narcissistic parents leave children with heritage of extreme perfectionism and a harsh inner critic.
What I need is a full toolbox how to deal with that and better yet how to fully heal and start truly thriving 💪
Check Dr Ramani's RUclips videos on narcissistic abuse from parents
I am constantly hard on myself. Always always.
Get Paul Gilbert on your podcast...
Love Kristen's and Paul's work
16:40 bookmark
ruclips.net/video/sEhiH1zaKpA/видео.html ❤❤❤
Sonia Grimes as taught me to ask the question, what is it I really need.
The manner in which a parent speaks to their child, becomes that child's inner voice in the future. Let that sink ...
🌅
ruclips.net/video/sEhiH1zaKpA/видео.html ❤❤❤❤
Would somatic experiencing help you change your inner voice? I imagine releasing the shame and anger inside would help.
Time stamps?
Way too many ads, though. It’s a good talk, but has been interrupted 5 times in 30 minutes, so I don’t know if I’ll continue listening.
4% people actually disliked it 🙊 plz listen to fully
don't argue with reality. contend with it.
I'm on My morning walk on the beach in Australia listening to this and for the first time ever I've had a to stop to comment. A reference has just been made to a kid failing a test at school (not her son) and it was suggested you say (paraphrasing) 'it doesn't change how much I love you, BUT I WANT YOU TO SUCCEED'
That kid would then have 2 pressures - the school AND t h e parent!
I'm really not enjoying this interview, it's one sided (her side).
My perspective 😊
Agree with your comment.
Selfpity is ilness.
Kristin's tone changed so much from the early videos on the topic. I think that she was criticized for the technique being too self pitying. I really hope that she didn't let that get to her head and develop a more harsh, "constructive" focused view on self compassion.
I noticed that too. I also think that there is too much emphasis on "success" as in a societal view of success. The point where she mentioned telling her autistic son that 'but I want you to succeed' then making a big fuss was quite off to me. Perhaps she left out something about it being something in particular the son wanted to learn for the sake of learning that the test was about and asked for help and resources, but even then depending on his age it might have been better to have explained to him how to ask for that support or get it for himself. I think the Alfie Kohn 'unconditional parenting' is much more what real self compassion is.
Agree with your comment. Some things she was saying seemed off to me as well.
Just started this. Maybe I'll change my comment, but the first impression is that tha author doesn't understand that CPTSD involves toxic shame and the inner critic. They don't clear over night and it takes work to "tame" that voice.
depression is extreme narcissism. an intense obsession with our feelings, thoughts and expectations.
It should be noted that christianity teaches this as "jesus" and "satan" in your head. The self is a relation to itself. - S. Kierkegaard. When you "pray" you "talk to your self"...you talk to "jesus"...the one who cares for you and wants you to succeed. Why do we call Jesus "Lord"...because Jesus IS discipline. It is the relation of your self to itself that denies itself. Discipline is essentially doing what you don't want to do, for the sake of some higher goal. We deny our selfish desires for the sake of helping others. That takes discipline. And probably alot of talking to your self.
Aese hi psylogist ko bulavo
Russian Roulette
played
with bullets
you made
clickin’
trigger
fuckin’
my head
pomegranate
red
Sorry but this speaker did not do it for me.
I couldn't take her agressive manner and gave up listening after 10 minutes.
I think you are confusing confidence and passion with aggression.
As always an interesting topic but the way too long. 1 hour and 20 minutes of non stop being talked at is exhausting. She barely takes a breath.
The part of fierce self compassion is just marketing and goes against the first principles created by this author. It doesn´t make sense.