6 Things My Divorce Taught Me About Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 2 июн 2024
- In this video I'm sharing 6 insights I learned after going through a divorce (married almost 13 years!).
Scroll down for timestamps to jump to a specific section.
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⏰ Timestamps
1:00 Content begins
1:42 I can trust my intuition.
2:44 I am deserving of a whole and beautiful life.
3:47 I don’t have to make someone else’s reality fit my own
5:20 It’s not about what someone says but what they do.
6:15 Divorce does not equal failure.
7:32 It’s gonna be okay.
DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, RUclips Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, RUclips channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
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You are a beautiful person worthy of love!
#actuallyautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult
Welcome back to you, Taylor!
I was self-dx'd at 58, and officially-dx'd at 60 (how's that for 'late' diagnosed!). I was married for almost 30 years, and it wasn't until I finally accepted that I was neither seen nor appreciated in the relationship that I realised how much of myself I had lost . My autism translated into always putting others first to the extent of losing myself, especially as I'm hyperlexic and literature has always been my special interest, and I was in a relationship with someone who saw reading or writing as time-wasting, and would criticise me for being 'lazy'' any time I tried to take some time out alone.
Since my divorce I give myself time each day to read, and listen to music, even though the kids all live full time with me so 'free time' is harder to come by than ever. I've also published two novels and had my poetry published in a variety of journals and anthologies, and saw my first collection of poems come 2nd in the national poetry competition here in Ireland last year. I feel no ill will or resentment towards my ex, and am trying hard to encourage our kids to rebuild a relationship with their mother. Being alone, and free once more to be who I truly am, is the foundation for whatever grace or wisdom I have gained.
Congrats Steven! That's very impressive what you have been able to do with your writing! I write for my union's magazine. It's torture but it seems like an important skill and I'm proud when I get it done. Who could ever criticize an Irishman for writing? It's in the blood! xoxo
Good on you Steve, I am at the beginning of my journey I m looking forward to the rest of it, cause I am OK now with being me 🎉
Steven, oh my! What a success story! I know it might not sound like it if we're gonna focus on "time lost" but boy, oh boy, how many people go through this life without ever giving themselves the chance to do what they truly love? I hope you heal past resentments and disappointments that must have collected dust for 60 years and enjoy your own presence and person. You might be in your 60s, but right now, you're a child, descovering themselves and the world. And this is unadulterated magic :)
The last long-term relationship I had was over a decade ago. He was a scientist and hated my imagination, my curiosity, my creativity. He said to me, "I love all of you but you have to change." and then went on to list all the things I had to change, namely those wonderful things that make me, me.
In other words, he didn't love _me_ at all. And I have never married because it's so hard to find someone who not only accepts me, but loves me and all those wonderful things about me that make me special.
A narcissist would turn each of your talents into flaws. Good you got away.
This hit right in the heart and mirrors so much of my experience with both discovering my autism and then going through a divorce. My understanding of myself and how I can better show up in relationships (not to mention how to identify toxic and/or abusive patterns) has really highlighted that there was no healthy way for that relationship to continue for either of us. And that's ok.
But Taylor, I just want you to know that it is *remarkable* watching your growth over the past year. The confidence and self-worth you're exuding right now is absolutely an inspiration for the rest the community.
This means so much to me. 🥹 Thank you. I can see some of it too when I watch my videos back. I'm just much more centered and grounded now. Still definitely hurting and have growing pains but I just feel so much freer. It's hard to believe sometimes.
Not converting you just passing on the knowledge as I like helping people-
C u r e of a u t i s m is camel milk.
2* listening to verses of Quran
How does Camel milk help with autism? Genuinely interestedin the science behind that!@@My_Secret_ArtSketchbook Also, did you know that the Quarantine actually plagiarized the Bible & changed Who God claimed to be? It was written 600 years AFTER the Gospels. Are you missing God's endless love for YOU, right now? Even though our sins have been so great, God bore our punishment and gives us true, spiritual freedom, through Him cleansing us from ALL unrighteousness. Did you know that once God's Spirit makes us born again, God Himself comes to make His home & live WITHIN you?
Your Creator made you to reflect Him. We are not God & we can never be like Him. Through God's amazing love & powerful work, we are given a future and a hope! By trusting God's death on the cross paid the FULL penalty for your sin. Proving that He is perfect and conquored YOUR eternal death, so He could save you from eternal punishment, He took our punishment, sorrow, pain, hopelessness and sadness INTO Himself, when He died. He proved that He cannot be held down by death. Your freedom is in Him alone! Call out to Him, trusting HE made you for His great, eternal love & purposes.
Don't think that others' sins are not seen by God. He hates sin & the pain is causes. We are not love, until God puts Himself inside us, to give us His love, freely!
Your life doesn't have to be dead and wasted, a slave to death & sin & Satan, any longer!! When WE hate God, we pridefully give our Creator the middle finger, ignoring His goodness and power, trying to prove WE are self sufficient. Did you bring yourself into this life?
God doesn't make anyone sin. We are all born spiritually dead, inside. Our sin nature has no chance to live forever with a perfect & holy God, who is filled with loving kindness, justice and righteous judgement.
God already planned to come in human form to bear our punishment for sin (eternal death & punishment & separation from our Heavenly Daddy, forever) BEFORE HE MADE THE ENTIRE WORLD! The Bible says God already wrote down EVERY day of your life, and HIS perfect will for you! He wants to think thoughts of pure loves and sing songs of joy over YOU!! Give the true God an opportunity to show His truth and goodness to you.
Satan blinds us & lies to us about Who God is & tries to convince us that God is cruel and not good or real. One day, did you know that God plans to get rid of earth and the universe & create a perfect, BRAND NEW Heaven & earth?? One where no death, sadness, pain, anger, hopelessness, depression or anything evil can exist? Trusting God (Father-Son-Spirit) ALREADY paid your fine & won't hold Himself back from you, means you can be in a right relationship with God & He can finally adopt YOU as His daughter/son!! Satan tried to steal us from God. We are actually Satan's spiritual children, according to God, while we are serving in the kingdom of evil & darkness. When we sin, we are not free. Wages are owed, as payment for our crimes. We all have a certificate of death, with legal demands that requires eternal separation/punishment/payment, which can either be paid eternally, by us, after our death ... OR by God, Who is endless, OUTSIDE of time, taking into Himself ALL of the entire world's sins, because He is HOLY & without a single sin. Only He is worthy to be the perfect sacrifice. Because His holiness satisfied death, death could not hold Him, so He ROSE HIMSELF from the realm of the dead!! He actually took the keys to death & now sits up in Heaven, on His MERCY SEAT, waiting to grant you eternal life!! I will continue to pray for you!
Jesus promised to take born again children of God to His home in Heaven for a GIANT celebration & reward ceremony!! 1st, He will raise those who have died in God. Then ... those of us who are alive, are going to be caught up/raptured into the heavens, to meet Jesus!! It will be SO fast, the world will be in shock people are missing. Jesus commanded me and all Who love Him to share the good news of salvation with EVERY person!! The Bible tells us that 1,993 years after God's death & resurrection (likely this year!), Jesus takes His family home to be with Him! Read Revelation, the last book of the Bible. Starting at chapter 4, God tells you what is going to happen, as soon as we are taken & His time of patience is over & wrath comes to test every human to see if they will trust God to save them from their sins & give them eternal life, or will they worship themselves & trust in works to save.
Listen. Revelation chapter 4 (you can download the Bible app for free) tells you what is coming next. If you refuse to repent (trust God's FREE salvation), God will send horrors unlike the world has ever known. It's appointed once, for a person to live & then, after their life is complete ... then comes the judgement.
@@MomontheSpectrumTime slowed way down for me initially after my divorce in March 2022. It took time to adjust, time to adjust can obviously vary person to person. Just take whatever time it takes for you to fully move forward and then you’ll find the right person for you.
I found a double (both people) neurodivergent relationship works best for me, that may or may not work best for you. It sounds cliché but “you’ll know”. I thought that statement was complete BS until I found my GF.
xoxo @@MomontheSpectrum
Shalom sister
"I feel more vibrant"
" I deserve a life of happy --not just snippets"
"Trust my intuition"
Very good advice...Thank you
Yes, "the freedom to by myself." I've never been married, so I won't pretend to relate to your marriage experience except for sincere empathy. But even outside the construct of a marriage relationship so much of what you've said here registers with me on the profoundest level. Since my ASD discovery this past April this new "freedom to be myself" has been bubbling to the top of my consciousness and expressing itself endlessly--I like to say "cascadingly"--in my perceptions, choices, responses, priorities, the things I tell myself and refuse to tell myself anymore, the things I now let myself do and let myself stop doing, etc. Discovering the reality of my ASD has been a revolution I could never have anticipated at the advanced age of 65 (now 66). Yes, "having your own back," or in other words "self-advocating." I never knew what that meant before uncovering my ASD.
yes!! so well said! Thanks for sharing
ASD??? What is that please
@@My_Secret_ArtSketchbook Autism Spectrum Disorder
if I new how hard my divorce would be I would not have chosen it, but I'm glad I didn't know because life with my second husband is so much better. over 15 years of love and acceptance was well worth the emotional upheaval.
I got married and then divorced and then a year later I was diagnosed with autism. I was diagnosed at 35 years old.
I'm not considering divorce and this was great for breaking down why. We are navigating these hurdles and we're doing our best to support and appreciate each other while giving ourselves grace whenever we need it.
We're very lucky and we know it.
I love your comment. This is wonderful for you both. Thank you for sharing.
My wife doesn't support or appreciate me. She finds fault in everything I do.
I buy sandwiches for the kid. She criticises me... and then buys them herself. It's ok for her to buy, not ok for me.
I hang the washing out to dry. She criticises me. I'm 49, I think I can handle this task, without her telling me how to do it.
I remind my kids to bring their slippers to school, she mocks me.
I try to set boundaries with the kids, she calls me a dog. All this in front of the kids... they can hear what she said. They will grow up thinking, this is how a wife should talk to her husband.
I ask her for a cuddle, and she tells me to "go to the cemetary, dig up your mother's grave and hug her."
I already suffered so much abuse from her, I just know that every day we spend together, will be wasted on arguments.
I believe that not all marriages should last, until somebody dies. It's a waste of life. Been married to this woman for 12 years now, I know what I'm talking about.
@@MS-yf9dw I would not stay in that situation for exactly the reason you mentioned, you're modelling unhealthy behaviour. I'm sorry she's like that and I hope you find a way to leave.
@@MS-yf9dw My parents were the same way (roles reversed) and it resulted in pain for all of us. All four of us kids grew up seeing marriage as a twisted, painful thing, and not one of us is married as a result. One did make a go of marriage but had such a wrong idea of what marriage is, that it was also an awful marriage, and did not last. I cannot help but see the parallel between your family's situation, and mine.
My friend, this is just my opinion, but it looks to me like yours a marriage that needs to end. Your wife is clearly unhappy in it, and so are you. It's not good for the kids to be growing up in such misery, with such a dysfunctional example of what marriage is. If it cannot be therapied through and fixed (it doesn't sound like there is any love there on her side), then it needs to end for the sake of every member of your family. I can tell that there is so much pain in your home. I feel so bad for you. I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for all concerned.
@@r.1599 I'm a bit worried about what she might do, to get back at me, for filing for divorce.
Maybe I worry too much... but if she is behaving like this when I'm being nice to her... I worry what she might do when I try to end this marriage!
I've heard stories of evidence disappearing. This, I can prepare for, I can make backups...
But what if she tries to poison me, or the kids out of revenge?
Then again, she might do it if we stay married...
There is no good solution.
She already told me, she will kill them.
I do not have a recording of that. It would be so much easier if I did!
Without it, it will be her word, against mine. She will say that she never said those words...
I've talked with one lawyer, two years ago.
Last year, I talked to three more.
The one question I had for them all was, what can I do to protect my kids and myself from her. And they were unable to help.
Can I ask the police to perform a postmortem exam of my body, if one day I end up dead. No.
I guess it's just file the papers and hope for the best.
The one piece of advice they had for me, was to make your last will and testament, and exclude her from inheriting anything, that's it. Nothing to keep my family safe from her.
Well, this thing, divorce, is still ahead of me.
I've already talked to several lawyers, they just need my final decision to go ahead with it.
I'm still pondering the pros and cons.
I worry about the kids, of complicating their lives. Having to live in two houses...
I worry who my wife might chose for her next partner, and how he might treat the kids.
I worry a lot.
I hope I can be as happy, as you say you are now, a year after my divorce! I'm glad to hear, that there can be a happy end, for someone autistic, like me.
Taylor, I cried at the beginning of this video. The first couple of things you listed ring so true for me.
You are so introspective and mature. Brave (you put this out there for us, you shared vulnerable stuff.)
You made the right decision for your life and pushed through the transition and uncertainty (which is scary.)
You are such an inspiration to us. Thank you. Enjoy you and your life journey to the fullest. You deserve it. Your intuition knows it and knew it.
We will be here with you❤
Thank you so much 🙏 I can feel the kindness in your words.
I got my own apartment because I felt like I needed to live alone, I tried so hard to make it work but I was so burnt out and I didn't understand why I was in a constant hyper vigilance mode. I felt that resentment you are talking about and I was so desperate to connect emotionally. After that I discovered I'm autistic (possibly AuDHD). We have two kids together and we were married for 15 years. It was great for a long time but we've always had difficulties in communicating. There are so many reasons why it didn't work for us and one of them is that I was the only one who was open and honest about my feelings and thoughts. He means a lot to me and I will always love him but I need to think about my health and I was turning into someone that I don't want to be. I relate to everything you are talking about in this video.
Sounds like you've really listened to what you needed and created space for like. I understand what you're saying about turning into someone you didn't want to be. I know it's an isolating experience but I hope you are feeling more like yourself every day!
Shalom and namaste
...hyper vigilant mode
Ouch: I see my reflection
Thank you for voicing what I am experiencing, but didn't have the vocabulary for.
I feel you! Re yr #3, I spent SO much time telling myself to "be like the Willow Tree and bend!" instead of being like a firm Oak Tree; making myself bear & accept the brunt of the problems. I e , making myself small 😒 But that is no way to live! Like you said, we each deserve fullness in life, & I'm so glad I now have it post-divorce! 👍🏾
Absolutely! Thanks for sharing
I think the most important thing that you say here is to hold people accountable for what they do rather than what they say. I’ve found that I attract two main types of people in my romantic life. Other autistic people, and manipulative, narcissistic psychopaths. The way to tell the difference is through actions, rather than words. In both cases. Autistic people can seem cold, and Yoon empathetic by their words. Psychopaths can seem warm and loving by their words, but the actions of both demonstrate the exact opposite in my experience.
thanks for sharing! yes it's important to learn how to tell the difference
I've been married three times, and feel no failure at all. Being autistic, which I learned very late in life, just 4 years ago. I am just trying to learn, I've learned a lot, and applying the knowledge toward finding harmony and fulfillment doing my writing, which is the best I've done in my entire life.
I am on the spectrum and it is kinda funny when everyone including ur (supposed to be) spouse never believe you and instead watching you like a god
You mean, your spouse dont believe you but watch Taylor ?
@@joana.en.pyjautiste nah they left
As someone with ADHD and autism....the poly life fits me best. One person is not enough to meet my needs.
Bravo Taylor for having the courage to speak about such a tough subject online. I love your outlook that you will find the strength to make it thru and the experience will make you stronger. If you fear the future just take a quick glimpse into the past to see what you are capable of enduring !!! Also refreshing to hear you say how your marriage wasn't a total failure, even ending in divorce still a lot of good came from it. My first two marriages prepared me for this marriage to my autistic partner, which has outlasted both previous marriages combined. At this stage in my life I can look back and safely declare it wasn't the successes that got me where I am, but the perceived failures ... and I'm happy where I landed
So great to hear about your journey too! Thanks for sharing.
I'm not in the spectrum; I'm divorcing someone who is. I can relate to everything you said, every point you made, especially, '...I became a ghost in the relationship...' I wonder if it has more to do with personality than with being or not being in the spectrum, being or not being neurotypical. My daughter is in the spectrum too, and it is inspiring listening to you, your self-awareness and the clarity with which you make your points come across. Thanks you and best wishes.
"I don't have to try to fix myself" ... that's a hard one for everyone here I guess
I'm going through a divorce at the moment. I'm almost at the end of it. Everything you said resonated with me so much. It's exactly how I behaved. I think as an AuDHDer my mistake was taking too much at face value and hoping for the best, rather than looking at the cold, hard facts in front of my face. Thank you for sharing your video. It's not easy at all ❤
I did not find out that I am on the spectrum until I was an adult. Every personal relationship I have been in has ended tragically. I keep to myself now.
I’m glad you have started a new path advocating for yourself for who you’ve been all your life.
“The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire.”
🙏
I love that saying.
Your insights help me understand why my marriage works so well. Fascinating! Also I wanted to give the kids perspective on divorce. A lot of my friends’ parents divorced. None of them ever wished their parents had stayed together. Seeing their parents taking care of themselves and allowing themselves to live fully was a great gift. And so many of those kids are now happily married to great people. I think they learned important lessons about how to find & maintain healthy relationships from what their parents went through. ❤
Well said ❤
Studies doesn't show that
I have a friend who was so ashamed of being the only one in her family who got divorced and then having another relationship that didn’t work out. It made her feel like she was a failure. I told her she isn’t a failure, that her ex’s infidelity wasn’t her fault she did everything she could to make the marriage work and that the other guy who broke up with her wasn’t her fault either because he was only using her and he only dumped her because he couldn’t use her anymore. I told her she was actually doing really great, she’s got two great kids, a great house for them all to live in, a job that really helps people and in her spare time she also does so much great work to help others and that she is a wonderful and complete person.
Even though I'm not considering divorce, our marriage has been through the ringer. I think the part I'm trying to accept presently is my reality. I think when we started our family I kept telling myself if we just get them potty trained, or when they are in school, or once they can do "x" we can go on dates or have some us time. My son is almost 7 and has high support needs. We're kinda in a roommate stage and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I try to stay positive, but it's been hard lately. Thanks for sharing your experiences. 💞
I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from (although, I am not a mom - I admire you, that's a challenging job).
Wishing you well in your journey 🙂
@srldwg thank you, I appreciate it ❤️
Thanks for sharing this Whitney. I understand how sometimes you look up and years have gone by since you said you were going to start doing things differently. And it makes sense that that feels even more difficult when adding high support needs into the mix. Thinking of you. I understand "roommate stage" and know that can feel lonely.
It is not at all a bad thing to have a "roommate", with whom to share chores and responsibilities and whom you trust.
@sebastianra4213 it's a tough phase and it's threatening to a relationship of you go too long feeling like the romance is gone.
Interesting -- while I am single, I'm actually more afraid to become a mom! Talk about hypervigilence & feeling trapped 😮💨
That was a beautiful message and I compliment you on expressing yourself in a way that didn’t demean your ex. Not easy to do, especially when your divorce is still so recent.
I am still going through a divorce too after a 12 year marriage. I have 3 kids. My only support is my psychologist. I didn't believe in divorce but I had too. I just found out last November I am autistic, adhd, cptsd, anxiety disorder, and have a type of ocd I have had since I was a kid. Anyway, I couldn't handle his constant combative, verbally abusive, emotional abusive, drunken ways anymore. It took a toll on our kids and me. It was either I stick it out and eventually off myself (that's where I was) or I get a divorce and we co-parent. That's what I chose, he had no intention on changing or saving our relationship. I am better off now.
Same here: 3 kids, 12 years of marriage. Thinking about filing for divorce. How similar.
Marriage therapy. She went to one session, and made up excuses not to go to the other few.
She just doesn't see how bad her behavior is. How unacceptable. And she didn't want the therapist telling her how it was.
Our 10th wedding anniversary, I asked her to come out with me. She refused.
Our 11th, same thing.
Our 12th. The same.
There is no hope. I can stay with her, and see the same thing happen on our 13th, 14th, 15th... But why wait, when there is no hope? She has narcissistic traits. It's all about her, and the things she wants to do. I do not count.
Like on my birthday, she left the house to meet with a friend.
And she did the same thing on our son's birthday. She left the house, only this time it was to go to the swimming pool. At least, that's what she told me...
I do not trust her. 0 trust.
She is goes out of the house, sometimes she is gone for 16 hours. After she comes back, I ask her where she went, and she tells me "to the gym". Really, training for 16 hours? She expects me to believe that?
I might be autistic, but I'm not dumb.
@@MS-yf9dw make sure you document legally everything, don't leave the house where the kids live, make sure you have 10,000 or more for a family lawyer. Do your homework before you file. Otherwise you can be on your butt with nothing. If she is abusive you have to get legal proof. If your wife verbally abusive you can call the cops. Because you have to have proof. Text message proof is good too. Definitely get a lawyer a good one.
@kittykattmcgee6375 Thanks for the advice.
I have talked to several lawyers already. And I found one who understands... or maybe rather: believes me. A man.
The other attorneys (all wemen) were not giving me much hope. They were siding with my wife? Even though they heve never met her, and have never heard her side of the story... They were behaving as if they were working for her, not me. Very strange... I think they assumed that all the stories I was telling them were made up - by me.
But their judgment... the way they treated me... it has put me off divorce, at least for a while.
It made me realize that if the judge is anything like them, I do not stand a chance in court. I need more proof, more evidence.
Which is basically what your advice boils down to.
The only problem is, my wife and I, we do not talk anymore.
In order to avoid the fights, I stopped talking to her. So nowadays, there is nothing to record.
There was a lot in the past, but at the time, I was not recording. And now, it's all quiet on the western front.
Additionally, one of my sons is totally in love with his mother. If he is asked who he would rather be with, I'm sure he will say "with mom." I don't know if he was brainwashed by her or what. But he finds fault in everything I do. Mother is "lovely" and "wonderfull", while I'm a "terrible dad".
My other kids do not share his opinion. But as things stand now, I'm sure I will lose at least one of them.
@@MS-yf9dw You need to look up Male attorneys or female lawyers who fight for the males. Because their are unfortuntalay people who are biased and only have one way to win in their little magic bags. Also, recording things can be illegal in some states. unless you have a ring or some sort of amazon recording device you can put up for "home security" there are lawyers who will fight for you. don't give up. Some women will try and get some sort of restraining order on you if you do anything out of pocket to use against you in court...if that makes sense?Don't give up and dp your homework. Maybe try and get some counseling and proof you tried to work on the relationship. I don't know I am not a legal expert but you need to be smart and get help any way you can. If you have the strength to do it on your own some courts have classes with paralegals you can do but for me my Autism/adhd /CPTSD and anxiety disorder I personally cannot deal with that. that is why I need a Lawyer. I hope the best for you and your family. I am sorry you have to deal with all this; and this whole divorce with my ex is so draining on me . I don't know if you believe in Jesus but keep in prayer. God Bless even if you don't believe. XOXO
I suspect that most of us on the spectrum who end up divorced never expected it, and were brought up to believe that marriage is for life: with the unspoken suggestion that a failed marriage should be a cause of shame and guilt. I wrote this in response to the idea that 'a ring has no end' and that we should stay in relationships which cause us to lose ourselves. We have to both forgive our failures, and recognise them as perhaps our most important lessons.
A ring has no end
A ring is not
a sphere:
it encompasses
a hole.
thank you for sharing this! :)
"We're getting a divorce. That face is why we're getting a divorce." The trigger I feel was a confused autistic non-verbal mis-reaction, 3 years after a formal diagnosis. After shock and grief, I realized it couldn't be changed. Over 17 years (dating & marriage) . I'm nearly 3 years from then.
Taylor, when you're ready, may you find someone who matches you better.
This gave me so much hope! Thank you. Im going through such a difficult divorce ..ive become a ghost. I dont even know who I am anymore and ive never "had my back" Im learning, but it is so painful amd scary. This gave me more hope than you can imagine!
It is scary. At least we can talk with one another on platforms like this. You can reach out here can't you & be heard, even if we don't actually know you. It's brave to acknowledge that everything feels upside down and scary, as we struggle with unknown change and feeling insecure with planning/ different routines. A divorce/house move/relationship break down are all massive triggers.
💞 hang in there! You’re not alone
@@DiSWRwow77 😭 thank you for seeing me
Thank the Lord for RUclips,and your upload of course😊
It took me a long time not to be entranced by promises, but to expect corresponding actions. I definitely feel like my good faith and naivete were taken advantage of and I've since gotten a lot better at "reading" people for who they are
Inspirational. So respectful to your ex too. I'm not going through a divorce, but I can apply this advice to a very different situation I'm in
I'm 💯 with everything u said. We share a very similar background, just reverse the gender with the late diagnosis. When I first learned (from one of your earlier videos) that both realities were valid, I was able to forgive myself and my ex. From that point on my mental health has grown by leaps and bounds. So thank you! And to our community of late diagnosed divorcees, you're not alone!
thank you for your comment! Glad we are in this together. :)
The part on being naive is very relevant. Was just talking to my wife about some "friends" that tell me they want to hang out more, but it's like pulling teeth to make anything happen with them and I do all of the work. It's been a common story for many relationships over my lifetime. This current group are particularly exhausting. It takes them a week to reply to any text message regardless of content, and they're never available to hang out, always have plans that they don't expand on. I see them doing things though, they aren't anti-social and just making up excuses. This culminates in us having one hang out every year or two followed by the "this is so fun, we should do this more, blah blah blah". After so many years of this, I'm finally at the point of fully accepting it for being an unhealthy relationship and making a stronger effort to disengage.
When it was pointed out to me the huge difference between her words and deeds it changed everything. I also get a lot of strength from the experience of going through a long, potentially disorienting divorce but still keeping it together, using it an excuse to self-improve and make value-based choices along the way that I can feel good about now. I feel reconnected to myself in accepting my own reality as valid, and sometimes it can be really fun.
Hi Taylor thank you so much for this video! It's so helpful. If you don't mind can you talk about what it's like parenting through divorce and sharing custody? I worry so much how it would affect my child. This is my greatest fear and concern. Thank you ❤️
You look healthier, glowing
Thank you 😊
You really remind me of my mom and your channel's name is also Mom on the spectrum. Really appreciate the way you have expressed your thoughts.
I identify with these feelings so much. I feel constrained and small and I want to soar. This is very Empowering. Thank you so much.
Late diagnosed and now about three years post-divorce. I'm so grateful to be divorced. I can honestly say it was the best day of my life to be free, well mostly free, of that relationship when the judge signed off on the decree. Biggest lesson I learned from the experience was "don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I sacrificed myself, my character, my values, my needs, for the sake of someone else, thinking it was somehow the right thing to do for the sake of the relationship. A heavily religious upbringing along with being on the spectrum led me to take "turn the other cheek" and "forgive seventy times seven" to the extreme. My natural default position is to be trusting and naive, giving far too many chances, and my awareness now of that tendency helps me navigate relationships and establish healthy boundaries going forward.
I think divorce comes into play when a person can’t figure out how to hold boundaries and have a complete identity within the dynamics of whatever they’ve both created in that relationship .
I think there are ways to overcome this if both people get help. But then a lot of people don’t want to change.. they want the other person to magically change and make the entire thing better. Not how it works.
All the best❤
I "don't have to 'erase my experience' and what I'm feeling in order to match the other person." I like the way you worded that! I spent a lifetime "erasing" my experiences and emotions and, in essence, erased myself. GRR!!! I'm 59, self-diagnosed about a year ago. I have been working on learning who I am and that I deserve the space I take up. This phrase of yours is one more great tool. Thanks!
Im 34 and i already feel like that.
@etcwhatever .... you are a real person! A whole, beautiful human being! You matter!!!
@@barbarawalker7122 thanks for your kind words Barbara.
I HAVE A.D.D diag. & ive recognized theres a alot of similarities of the symptoms of Autism . THANK YOU SO MUCH !!! For sharing your life experience!!&
Education!! 🎉🎉
YES!!!!, THE ULTIMATE freedoms!!🎉🎉👏👏
From after my experience from my divorce from The x WASBAND!
Yes! Actions speak louder than words.
This really hit home. I dated my ex for 4 years and we were married for 13. I realized as you did that his reality was just that, but wasn't mine. I wasn't crazy or needy. I was expecting more than he gave, because that's what I deserved. I deserved more than he was willing to give.
Taylor, I don’t know where to start, but let me first say, “Thank you!” Your transparency has always worried me a little bit, since social media can be shark-infested waters, but this time I am super grateful. I am a late-diagnosed divorced father of two. Your channel has been a lifeline and I am forever thankful for you. My kids are adults now and are coming to terms with their own diagnoses, albeit in a more affirming environment than I experienced.
It wasn't a divorce so I won't act like I FULLY understand what you've experience, but as someone who just got out of a 6 year relationship I feel this really deeply. I learned a lot about myself over that time and that helped me to finally start seeing who I am, what I need, and how to fight for both of those things. No negative feelings towards the ex, and we're still friends!
And now I'm navigating a world where I'm finally diagnosed with ADHD and moving towards what seems like a pretty likely autism diagnosis as well. It's liberating, but scary. As much as I absolutely DREAD dating, I'm excited for what's next! Thanks for talking openly about your experiences, because even if they don't overlap 1:1 it's still so helpful.
Thank you so much for this video! I can relate so much!! I got divorced in 2020 after 7 years of being married. I am now ten months into a new partnership, and I am noticing some of my old patterns trying to surface. Having the language to help me notice and name my patterns will help me process and release those patterns that are no longer serving me. I really want to build a healthy partnership this time ❤ Thanks again!
You are glowing ❤! Beautiful. It's your inner peace and joy coming out. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with us.
🤗
Thank You for sharing all of what you have. I know one day I will be able to also share my traumatic lifetime of 36 years as a recipient and now survivor of horrific familial societal 'medical 'and judicial abuses. It's wonderful to witness you in your season. May you always be in bloom barring all your authentic desires. Faith Light Hope Joy Peace Love
thank you for your kind sentiment. so sorry to hear about what you've been through. sending lots of hope and peace your way.
I'm so sorry. I hope this was a positive change.
I have listened to several of your videos to learn more about Autism, ASD, and what I have heard is LIFE. Even this video and what you have learned is called life that neurotypical people deal with every day, too. Life is difficult, confusing, scary, painful, and ever changing. We all have to learn how to balance life.
Anyone who told you life was easy for anyone lied. People are all different and unique. There is no such thing as normal.
All people process information uniquely.
Listen to the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks... kinda sums it up for me...🎵🙋☀️🌄
Thanks for sharing!
I went through a breakup of an 8 year relationship (2 years ago this fall) a month after a late in life adhd diagnosis. I was previously diagnosed with ocd, but believe the symptoms could be explained by asd. I relate to a lot of what was described. I finally asked myself what I want out of life after repressing everything I thought was bad for the relationship, which only made my mental health significantly worse. I am working on not getting in my own way as much and have grown a lot. I was saying earlier that you come to appreciate what you have because difficult experiences do more to shape your character. It's uncomfortable at the time, but makes you resilient.
Aw this is so awesome :,)
Thank you. I needed to hear this right now.
It hurts to hear your experience because it sounds a lot like mine and my exgf. We broke up early last year after I couldn't take it anymore and saw a narcissistic abuse relationship therapist that helped me notice and escape. The same therapist was the person that guided me to discovering that I am 🌈THE AUTISMMM🌈. You shared a lot of the same lessons I have learned, so that's why I think we're going through a similar process.
If so, there is a lot of pain and anger you aren't sharing with us, but it's okay to feel that. Just maybe don't post a full meltdown on here because people might not get it and make assumptions of you that are incorrect. Still, you're very strong for publicly sharing your simultaneous autism identity crisis and marriage termination so that others can feel like they're not alone in it. I don't know you personally, but I'm still very proud of you.
Really nice video, thank you so much! ❤
Thank you so much for this ❤
I understand. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing something so personal - I found it a refreshing comfort seeing another autistic woman making it through a big change!! I am not in a relationship or married, but the tips were still applicable to other aspects of my life, so thank you!
The moment i was told i was too much work, i knew we werent going to work out.
Thank you for talking about this, I’ve followed you for a good long while now and I wanted to say that this video has made my night. Thank you for everything you do and best of luck continuing your journey!!
Hi Tay thank you for sharing your experience as personal as it is, im humbled that you feel safe enough to share this part of your journey called life with us all and you didn't have to. You are brave and encouraging to those in your position and your doing great Tay 🙏🏼🙂💙 peace and blessings to you.
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this. Much
This validated so many things for me, thank you.
So glad! You’re welcome.
This speaks so much to me... Going through something similar on a tiny scale, but the takeaways are exactly the same. Thank you for this video!
This. I wasn't married, but was with my ex fiance for 7 years before I started to follow some of this advice. I've since found an amazing person. She's got ADHD and meshes with my autistic self in such unique and loving ways. She walks the talk and we can support each other with our own strengths. All of these points hit so close to home.
My autistic mother is in the whirlwind of leaving/staying and I plan to send this to her. Thank you for speaking about your experience with this topic ❤
❤️love this
Love you, Taylor. Thank you for sharing your smart, vulnerable, leadership self with us. We need you.♾️
All my empathy for What you re going throught. It has been hard those days with my husband but i got to the hospital and it was a shock for him. I really trully hope that my feeling will matter now. I wish you the best and thank you for your trust : what you say is helpfull for so much people. ❤
Thank You for Sharing your experience Taylor.
You're very welcome. 🙏
Taking the power to get a divorce is a strength. I had to have one to start to find myself
Great video, Taylor!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you Taylor for your chancel. I‘m new in the party of autismus. I don‘t have a diagnose but i see some patterns in myself. ❤
This speaks very deeply to me about my last divorce and also last breakup. Thank you so much. 💜
This is very informative for so many people and most people could use a reminder from time to time in my opinion
Take care of yourself especially when nobody else is
you so clearly echo my own experience. ty!
Thank you dearly for your video on divorce. I've yet to find a relationship where I'm not taken advantage of, though I haven't dated since my diagnosis. I look forward to hear more from your life stories, you are quite beautiful. :)
Thanks for sharing this, it’s very informative.
I am a late diagnosed autistic adult that is going through divorce at the moment, they’ve already moved out and I am just figuring out how to be me and do my thing now.
Taylor! Thank you for this! I think it's such a gift for you to give us, and that is the value of your experience ❤
aw thank you for sharing this 🥹
I totally get the seperate reality thing 💗 Just learned this recently too. And omg the words & actions, just learned that too.
I'm an expert at divorce at 3 now!!🤣 I unmasked last September and I don't know how I was able to cope with the way I am now, mind blowing. The 3rd I did it all myself and came to an agreement, sat in court together and had a smoke with her after.🤭 I have no regrets with my relationships because it was part of my life. I honestly have a totally different viewpoint on relationships today and my girlfriend doesn't know yet because we hardly see each other but funny thing is🤔 I like it this way. Thanks for your insight Tay, always appreciate others views on things.👍😎👻🌶️ Oh and your pronunciation of my name on the live is 100%😁
Taylor thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with all of us! This isn’t something easy to share to the whole world, but I tell you, you’ve been such an icon and role model for us. The amount of maturity and growth it takes to not just talk about this, but to add helpful tips based on what you’ve learned through it is just next level! I’m so grateful I know of a person as brave and caring as yourself. Thank you again for all you do for the community and I hope you stay well!
This is such a kind sentiment. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. It means a lot and helps me remember how far I've come. Definitely wasn't able to talk about it in this light this time last year.
Hi Tay, I consider this video very important, even if I don't fully understand what a divorce means (I don't even understand the meaning of marriage btw), because it can fit any kind of relationship. I'm so sorry about what you're going through.
Thank you ❤
Full expression unfolding in life xx
Never been in a relationship, but it's still good info to have should I enter into one in the future.
At divorce , i didnt know i am neurodivergent. I tried to give my best for a healthy relationship. I build a house and fixed all stuff, but in some aspects i have my flaws due to autism. In the end i felt misstreated, every day my wife was demanding all sort of things, especially money. I burned out, she filed for divorce one day before christmas, thats it.
Thanks for always being so open. I’ve been struggling with getting my wife to understand my autism. I’m later in life self diagnosed and relate to so many of your videos. I try to bring stuff up to my wife and it’s hard to get her to understand. Any advice on how to educate her so that she can be more understanding?
I thank you from the bottom of my heart!! I’m a 48 yr male, from Manchester England and have my ADHD assessment coming up (and through you, you beautiful person internal and external). You are the person whom makes so many peoples life worth living, mine included again thank you. Your intentions are always from your heart, and your mind is so intelligent on where you will end up!! You can feel it under your past pains, and like you say, you WILL always have this and all you deserve in your clearer and clinical future ❤️
thank you for your kind comment!
Good luck with your assessment. You don't say which assessment process you are using. I had mine in July & my autism one just b 4 Christmas. Still processing it. I was very nervous at both assessments so took a fiddle/touch stone with me.
Thank you, and I’m sorry for not responding sooner, like you I’m so great-full I found about my life struggles now, then never at-all. My (first of any assessment) assessment is Friday 26/1/24 and this assessment is for AUD, both autism/ADHD. I’m so so happy you’ve had yours now, and now can finally be gain you life lick one’s self, as Taylor would say YOU’VE GOT THIS
Thank you
Thank you.
I’m not aware if you’ve spoken about this before but would you say your diagnosis “kicked off” the journey towards your divorce? Maybe not in that you’d never have gotten divorced without learning about your autism, but in that it accelerated that realization? Or were the marital issues largely unrelated to autism?
Yes!!!!, DiVIRCE DOESN'T EQUAL FAILURE!,
"IVE GOT MY OWN BACK " 🎉🎉I 👆👆👆👆i'VE THAT !!!!! 😲😼😌👏👏👏👏
💪
I still have CPTSD to work through..
Hi Taylor.
Thank you for this video. I'm an Irish male in my late 30's with Autism who has never really had a long term relationship but in recent years, I have learnt more about my own condition from self-reflection etc. One thing I have learnt about is Autism in women and how more often than not; they are incredibly skilled in hiding their traits and are generally more extroverted than men who in contrast don't possess the same abilities. That indirectly means that ND/Autistic women don't see the signs themselves until much later and sometimes often through some sort of traumatic event/life changing moment that hits them by surprise. I hope this isn't a rant or ramble but I wanted to share this.
I've noticed a common occurrence particularly in Ireland (The whole Island) that women and girls who are generally more attractive are neurodivergent:
I've seen this myself. A girl whom I once worked with (A friend more than a colleague) that I'll always refer to as "The Most Beautiful Thing in The World" had all the signs and traits of being Autistic; she could be extroverted one moment but incredibly poignant depending on what company she was in because she was heavily masking. I remember the very moment I saw her the first time (even what she wore) and many other instances; there were times when she was overwhelming and it would infuriate me but I remember one day when we were in the office together as the pandemic was easing out. She was going to a wedding during the summer and said she was dreading it because she had no one to go with.... That hit me like a bullet. I Knew then why whenever I saw her or heard her name, I had to remind myself to breath. The working environment forced us apart which affected her but me far more deeply... I hope some day to see her again in better times.
What I do know is that Autistic/ND Women more often than not are zeroed in on or targeted by men who will willingly take advantage of them and even abuse them. They're more likely to be victims of abuse or be gaslit/manipulated by toxic people which will harm them.... They deserve better and accepted for whom they are without fear of judgement etc. The girl I mentioned at times annoyed/bewildered me but she always made me genuinely smile and feel immense joy. Her traits and nature outshone what was on the surface which made me different to everyone else in how they viewed her truly.
If you look up a Sarah Dwan or Jude Morrow; they are leading voices transatlantic for Autism discussions in Ireland.
Im so sorry
Taylor, have you ever had an encounter with a high functioning autistic guy? You might be amazed at how easy the communication can become. I was lucky and found a community that has several neurodiverse women as members. All the communication difficulties completely vanish. I hope you get to have that experience some day because autistic people can be damn sexy.