True OP reminds my a lot of my mom she always needed to be the "not fun" parents because my dad always uses to undermind her my and my brother were little devils because of him until we grown the f up and became good to our mom
100% agree. Some times, no matter what one person does, a kid ends up messed up because just one person is enabling them to be something other than their best self. I've always seen this as what the true meaning of "It takes a village to raise a child".
Also the best to turn one of the parents into the “fun” one and the other the nagging one. If it’s just op against both dad and grandparent, she’s in a lose situation
How is OP in the second story supposed to punish the kids if she’s constantly being undermined by the husband and the grandma? Like they treat her poorly and blame her for even attempting to parent the kids, she’s outnumbered.
The same way she did just now in the story. Seeing a boundary and not letting others cross it. Not that hard for the strong willed. Plenty of parents do it in similar situations without having to go to reddit
@@kardellious How strong to you expect her will to be when none of the kids, nor her Husband or mother are working with her? You expect her to be a one man army and tackle the entire family top to bottom? That's not an issue of "strong will"
@@shykorustotora idk I've mostly lived with women my whole life, my aunt did it with me. Mother did with sister, three strong female friends and an ex. So sure my experience is fasho bias especially having to live with multiple strong willed women. All Im hearing is excuses.
Ah yes the mother is solely to blame for the kids behavior. Parenting is a two person job and right now the husband and grandmother are undermining her.
The husband and the grandmas are clearly the problem with the kids bad behaviour, and with how the grandma is presented she spoils them constantly. Op is the only one in the story that doesn't deserve an AH score, i don't understand why the mother is at fault for Rslash when she has to try to keep the kids in check against both the husband and the grandmas.
Indeed. You don't need two enabling parents. Just one who is willing to undermine the other and remove the consequences of boundaries. The fact that she's willing to make and stand by these boundaries, while her husband and MIL are whittling at her to relent speaks far, FAR more to this.
Yeah, as proven by a previous story about OP dating a man who has a totally spoiled daughter and never at any point corrects her behavior and allows her to do whatever she wants while also yelling at OP for whenever she tries to correct his daughter. I get the feeling OP's husband here and her mother is doing this exact thing to OP's kids.
I wouldn't give op in the second story a butt hole score. You assume she was one of the spoilers but she could be the only one to discipline the children but the mom and husband could also tell the spoil kids not to listen to her
I’m thinking of the AITA story where OP carried the weight of the family especially when the in-laws visited. One day she had enough and stayed elsewhere and let them deal with the carnage. Maybe next time, if there is one, OP should not go
@@lorilancaster5917 i was gonna reference that post in my comment but i would ranted like a mofo but that post is essentially the premise of this post and OP aint the asshole but there needs to be major boundaries being set before things can go forward especially i'd argue more towards the husband cause he needs to actually be a proper parent, they could just bar the grandmom until further notice
@@BoatingMyFloatyep from the story it seems like the husband and MIL have never had to take care of them for a extended period of time and probably let OP take all the heat.
Yeah I know sometimes you have to read into or even past what op presents but like Rslash is doing a lot of jumping because kids are brats and says "well it's not the kids fault" and "useily one strict parent is enough" when like he's read stories whare both parents are saints and there kid is still a devil that's not even talking about the fact that op's mom and husband are clearly spoiling the kids and there's no proff op does at all in fact she didn't want to do the vacation at all because I'd there behavior and if she did spoil them that wouldn't cross her mind
Last story about the 68-year-old woman who 'trauma dumps' on kids. That woman needs therapy, stat. What a disturbed person she is? And making her living kid give up a favourite toy to a grave? Yikes.
She needed therapy 30 years ago. If you are hanging on to a miscarriage for 30+ years, and making that your whole personality, then you are out in the Deep. I'm surpriced, that she was allowed to adopt.
There's trauma dumping, and then there's...whatever this is, good lord. That woman needs therapy yesterday. Forcing your child to give their favorite toy to the grave...that's so many levels of weird, creepy, heartbreaking and heartless. Bad enough to do the dumping on her daughter....but now she wants to inflict her grief and mental illness on her grandchild? "Here's your dead aunt (you literal 5 year old grandchild) she died before she was born. Your mom never even knew her. Say? What's that you got there in your hand? Your aunt would've loved that! Give it to her!"
The second story is leaving a lot out. We have no idea who is spoiling them like RSlash said. But the giveaway is the dad and the grandmother both not supporting the mom when she tried to punish the kids. Meaning that the boys face no consequences and the mom is turned into a bad guy the the kids eyes
Yep. The whole "you only need one strict parent" is nonsense. If your punishments are constantly being subverted by the other adults then it will never matter how strict you are. They are being taught to not respect their mother and its absolute garbage. Honestly this kind of behavior starts toeing its way into divorce territory. At minimum both parents need to be a united front when it comes to discipline. She is not the butthole she is just doing what she can in the face of enablers who have turned her children into nightmares.
@@annalenaimre6368Nope. My half sisters were entitled assholes when they were younger because when my mom put her foot down, they’d run to daddy, who’d let them have whatever they wanted.
dad may give mom the silent treatment but he didnt once correct the kids or even offer to stay alone on the vacay with them because he is well aware of how shitty the kids act
If Dad & Grandma were happy to stay and endure the boys' bratty behavior, why didn't OP just leave them there and enjoy a few days of peace & quiet? That seems like the obvious solution. The just-as-obvious answer is, unfortunately, that OP is expected to do all the parenting & emotional labor. Grrr.
@@ItsMeBarnaby Maybe. But it's better to talk about it now, while they can still explain their reasoning for their decisions (not that the kids are entitled to that but it's nice of the parents to do). Many children don't get that privilege and just wonder for the rest of their life why their parents gave them less than others. At the end of the day the sons would've probably bitched either way.
My gran died recently and her sons(my uncles) were all bragging in front of her while she was in a hospital bed, dying, about what they're going to do with her money once they sell all of her stuff....including her dog. Jokes on them, my mom was the one to get EVERYTHING because we cared for her when no one else would 🥲
@@lorilancaster5917 I was thinking the same thing. The Husband **and** the Grandma sound like they've been spoiling the kids. The kids think they don't have to listen to Mom since Dad and Grandma said they're aloud to do all this. I would've just taken the daughter and left the boys with the Grandma and Husband since they said, "They are Angels and can't do no wrong." And have them deal with the fallout.
@@pollypockets508I was thinking more, take the two boys home and everyone else have a vacation but I was wondering if it would be unfair to show a kind of favoritism? I guess it could be taught as a “behaved kids get rewarded” kind of thing but honestly they should’ve just disciplined their kids more
@@pollypockets508 Lol, that's what I was thinking. Leave Granny and Husband with the little terrors and see how long they keep thinking the behavior is acceptable as they try to keep up with their destructive nature or one of them actually just goes missing since they respond as well as an untrained hound on a scent. OP & Daughter should have the vacation the Daughter deserves.
Story 5 edit/update: Edit: thank you so much everyone for the support, I was somewhat gaslit for my whole childhood and this thread has really helped me to see how messed up it really was that she consistently trauma dumped on me and put her grief on me during my childhood. I’m definitely going to consider going LC, and if my son tells me she’s brought it up again likely NC.
I’m glad to hear that. She would’ve likely expected grandson to make cards and gifts to would have been aunt or uncle. He does not need to be a passenger aboard her delusional train
My own mother used me as her personal therapist and while what she did wasn't NEARLY as fucked up as what ops mom did to her it was pretty similar and my heart goes out to her. ❤
Glad you got the support you needed to hear, OP. Your mother is a very sad, broken person, and it sucks you had to ride shotgun besides her on frequent guilt trips to the grave site. Trauma dumping doesn't seem like nearly awful enough of a term to describe what she did to you. Worse, she's already started to attempt to repeat the process with your son. This isn't grief, it hasn't been grief for her for a very long time. This is mental illness of some flavor. I wouldn't leave her alone with your kid ever again, and that's assuming you don't decide to completely cut her out from your lives for both yours and your son's own mental well being. Give her a chance, and she will almost certainly try this again with him. She can't or won't help herself, so she instead tries to dump it onto others, as if that unhealthy sorrow could somehow be transferred, like passing a curse on to someone else to get out from under it's effects. Which actually kind of sounds like what she's been doing to you your entire life. It obviously didn't work, so she's trying it on a new child, and maybe this time it'll be different. Of course, she's not consciously aware of it that way, at least I hope. Because then she'd just be a complete monster. But it almost sounds like her grief twisted into some unhealthy compulsion and she needs serious therapy, and maybe an exorcism. It's not so different than if she had a substance abuse disorder, for all intents and purposes she does, her substance of choice is grief and when she comes down off it, she does so by inflicting it on other people to make herself feel better. That doesn't make what she did to you any less heinous or horrific, and if she ever comes back to reality, she's going to have own up to and face the consequences of her actions and what she did to you, and I don't envy her in that position. Prioritize your and your kid's health and wellbeing, keep your mother as far away as possible, lest she try to sacrifice your son's happiness and mental health to the lonely always hungry insatiable grave of his dead aunt.
While yes I can agree with RSlash how thanks to how the story is written, it's leaving a lot of the stuff out, so we can't say for sure if the Mom is in on the spoiling or not But based on how it's written, you can practically feel the frustration and stress in her story. My guess is that she actually does try to set boundaries and rules, but with Husband shutting her down and undermining her punishments while being backed up by her mom... Its a 4 against 1 situation, counting the brats So of course the Brats won't listen. I used to be one myself, and I'd know that if I was in their shoes, I'd test boundaries and hide behind the enablers as a shield from the actual responsible one. It'll make me listen to them more because it's what I want to hear So I don't think OP deserves a Butthole score, she's not perfect, but in a stressful family like this, she's doing her best, and in her words "showing them actual consequences" which shows this is been happening far too often
The way she described them crying the whole way back, and the way her husband and MIL were pushing... Yeah. I'll bet it's the 4 vs. 1 setup. The kids kept crying because dad was in the car. They'll keep clinging to dad and grandma until either one of them firmly tells them no.
Yes, cause If one parent is undermining the other and in front of the kids. The kids are going to listen to the parent that's defending them before they listen to the parent that's trying to punish them. You put it much better than I did.
Story 4: When people say “be the bigger person” what they actually mean is “it’s easier to guilt trip you into complying than it is to change the mind of a known asshole. NTA Op, your stepfather LITERALLY had 1 job…and he couldn’t handle it.
I seriously doubt "be the bigger person" was meant to put with bullying or entitled behavior. I think it means that you're not going to seek revenge. But that doesn't mean they get away with what they did to you.
@@uselessinformation1988 actually, it means don't stoop to the level of the asshole. if that person is calling you names, don't call them names back. if they are trying to get you to fight them, don't fight them. it doesn't mean don't get revenge (or truthfully, seek justice) or let the person walk all over you, it just meant that you don't engage in petty, shitty behavior when you encounter a petty, shitty person. but petty, shitty people have been using it as a shield to continue abusing their victims, whether or not it is them or an accomplice/ second victim who spouts the phrase.
@@abiean222 You said it better than I did. I was trying to say something along those lines. But I personally believe that there's a difference between revenge and justice.
@@uselessinformation1988 not really. both revenge and justice are just seeking to right a wrong done to you. they are the same thing with different names.
Last story: OPs mom needed therapy ages ago. First she adopts OP to fill a void. Then expects OP to mourn and sacrifice someone she has no attachment to. And now she wants to recruit OPs son into this. Maybe dear grandma should be placed on a time out while she decides whether to continue the role of a victim or move on.
I’m noticing a trend of “hypocrisy” in these AITA stories & it also pisses me off too how these people are calling the OP’s buttholes for dishing out the same thing that they dished out.
Honestly for the 2nd story I won't be surprised if this ends up in divorce territory. With her having custody of her daughter, while her husband gets custody of the two boys. Let him deal with disciplining the boys.
He won't and these boys will grow up to become abusers, rapists and entitled assholes. If the world is lucky, they'll get themselves killed before harming others~
My family has a similar situation to the last story. HOWEVER, they waited until we were 12-13 and could properly understand the situation. They took us one by one, talked to us and answered any questions. My siblings and I have each gone to the grave ONCE before then went to Build-a-Bear, built a teddy and gave the bear the baby's name. We all still have the bear (over 20 years later). 5 is waaaaay too young to process what OP's ma is dumping on him. OP is NTA
Last story. When my dad was about 9 or 10, he lost his older brother to a sudden medical condition. It was an immensely traumatic experience for my dad and his family. I didn’t even find out about it until I was an older child, and it was told to be in a matter of fact way. I think that’s how a normal family handles those things.
Probably because she isn't being hard and firm enough to stand her ground when it comes to enforcing discipline. But it doesn't really help when her husband is constantly fighting her efforts to discipline his children.
@@VicGeorge2K6 even if she was "firm" the brats could just hide behind either the dad or the grandma or both meaning the mums punishment would do jack shit either way
Story 4(? The graduation party one): I work with young special needs kids. I'd bet MONEY that the "advice" the stepfather was trying to impart on the autistic kid's mom is either A) stuff she already knows and probably doesn't even work 60% of the time for ANY kid, B) telling her to get her kid ABA therapy, or C) both. All three are bad, but personally I'd call somebody a piece of 💩 too if they did either B or C. SO MANY people who have been through ABA and now even many professionals believe ABA to be literal child abuse. That's why it alone would be enough to boil my blood.
Story 3: It's a lounge, by definition they should have already had an idea on what would be in there, this is like this usually have a description somewhere to let people know what's in store. You asked if they wanted to come but they said no because it was a waste of money right? Okay then, they only get to be mad because you had a good time and they didn't.
You guys really wouldn't tell your friends more about it since it's obvious they didn't know? Like you wouldn't even try to lay out the benefits and tell them what they're missing out on. These aren't strangers, they're your friends. Would you truly allow your family and friends make this mistake without trying to convince them
@@nessajulian9924it aint my job to educate my buddies or assume what they do or dont know. Op asked and they decried it as a waste of money. What point is there in debating?
Story 4: Another case of "Rules for thee, but not for me." The stepfather thinks that he can do whatever the peck he wants, but apparently OP can't too. And him claiming he knows what he's talking about because he's a teacher? Yeah, simply being a teacher isn't enough, you need to actually research it
And one rule would be not to be a duck about it and make a scene at someone’s party. He should come to terms that either OP will never invite him to events even if this means his mom won’t attend. This or OP plans on rubbing salt on the wound
He had a summer briefing about autistic children, therefore he's the expert! Because no way the parents of an autistic child could learn from their therapists, doctors, as well as do individual research or have first hand experience!
"even just one strict parent is enough" "no one is being strict" OP is literally the strict parent. It's highly unlikely OP just became this strict just for the vacation.
Man, if my two sisters and I pull the type of crap the kids story 2 then the vacation/trip would be canceled. This was especially true if we went to someone's house or at a grocery store and misbehave.
I was helping my sister take care of her grandchildren a few weeks ago. The five year old was put in time-out four times in one day. 1 kicking his older sister. 2 flipping a table(literally). 3 dumping 120 pounds of potting soil(in bags) onto the ground. 4 yelling during story time. His sister went into time out once because she helped flip the table.
@@wmdkitty the table flipping was incidental. But they damaged a cart that my sister used to store gardening tools when the table landed on it. That was the reason for the time out.
Second story. OP is not the butthole. They aren’t a bad parent. They’re the only ones trying to keep the ship afloat. And if you don’t have support from the other adults in the situation, It’s worse than swimming upstream without fins.
i think OP in 2nd story shouldn't get a butthole score...they are trying to keep the kids in check but the husband and grandma are the ones undoing whatever she tries to do.
i went through parentification but i know damn well i’m not getting treated the way that op’s sister did in the will because i’m not the favourite child.
1st story - Find it interesting that the sister is childless. Wonder if the experience of taking care of younger brothers could have soured her view of parenthood.
Maybe and I doubt OP and his siblings weren’t easy going. I also doubt they sat around and just did their homework. And the feeding part, sister was responsible to feed herself, three ungrateful brothers with trash compactors for stomachs, and two tired parents who were likely starving. Sister may not have even had a chance sometimes to even eat.
@@shykorustotoragiven their financial status, it's easier to assume their food stituation than it is to assume race. Still wrong to assume, but bad analogy.
@@lorilancaster5917 Similar boat to OP for most of my childhood. My sisters and I got punted between two sets of grandparents and our parents and occasionally an aunt for around nine years, and only one grandma bothered to try and raise us (thankfully we wound up with her and her husband permanently when I hit 12) and for as long as I can remember I was the one making sure my infant and toddler sisters were taken care of, and I still had to parent when our last set of grandparents took us in because grandpa didn't do jack shit with the raising besides spoiling them and enabling their shitty behavior. My mom finally took my sisters back now that the raising has been done and my sisters bitch about me being such a terrible elder sister, acting as if they were innocent do-gooders when all they did was get into stuff, waste food, sneak out of the house regularly, steal money and other stuff that makes me want to punch a hole in the wall because I literally had to put my entire life on hold for them. When I was in high school I wasn't allowed to do extracurriculars because of finances and someone needing to be home to watch my sisters. When my sisters got to high school, our finances didn't change all that much but suddenly these two were allowed to be in all sorts of stuff, and I'm honestly never going to get over that in particular, especially since I was still living with them and STILL had to watch a goddamn 17 and 15 year old when they were at home because of how bad they were. Why reward them with letting them do after school stuff??
@@magicfish8213 He wants to assume the sister didn't eat and the brothers ate like a small army. BS you can't assume race if you're already going that far
Sorry Rslash but it was a bad take on story 2. The OP shouldn't have gotten a butthole score, she attempted to stop the vacation but her husband undermined them so they went. Grandma sees her grandbabies as angels who can do no wrong, between them they will undo any good parenting that the OP is doing. There is also no evidence that the OP is spoiling her kids that's you jumping to assumptions.
For story 2, again, we're just making assumptions with not enough information. OP laid down the boundaries and the rules that the kids and basically everyone shat all over. If I was OP, I would've found another place with the daughter and continue the vacation and let dad and granny deal with the little turds, see how well they can handle them. I would agree with you that the boys behavior is partly OPs fault, but again, we don't know enough. OP might be trying, but is constantly undermined. Just based on the story itself, daughter is NTA, OPs maybe 1/5, sons 2/5, dad and granny maybe 2.5/5...
Ok but OP literally said that leaving was a rare moment of punishment. Rslash is right, My mom is stressed, but my dad isn't and even though that is the case I was still pretty well discipland despite my ADHD
Thank you! I feel like Rslash was being unnecessarily harsh on on OP with what he was assuming. Giving her points for no valid reason at all is frustrating. If both the Dad and Grandma are spoiling the boys of course only one voice isn’t going to be enough. I say OP is NTA.
Yeah, it sounds like a lot is being left out. There may be some medical issues being left out here. For example, OP may have some anxiety disorder, and the boys may have adhd or other behavior disorders.
2nd story: rSlash, I can't wait til that little infant of yours becomes a troll of a toddler and a snarky little kid. You may be a dad, but you have no idea what you're talking about so often. OP is the only adult in this story who ISN'T a bad parent. The dad and the grandmother are both terrible parents, OP is the only one actually BEING a parent. It's amazing how every rule your parents were strict about while growing up simply goes out the window once you have your own kids... the "they're only little once" thing isn't supposed to justify bad behavior, it's supposed to remind adults to spend time with their kids. Edit: I'm a single dad, my son is 5. I had to pull the whole ending vacation early thing on him and listen to him sob for like an hour before he fell asleep as I drove. I didn't want to leave, but actions have consequences.
Second story: OP: is having her rules and punishments for his kids walked all over by both her husband and her mother-in-law before and during the vacation. R/slash: “Uhhh JuSt Be A BeTtEr PaReNt!!”
Bro the sister in the first story is so funny, “Look I agree with y’all that I shouldn’t get all that money but, fuck y’all for saying I don’t deserve it.” 😂
Hmm, I read it more as 'I wasn't really interested in the money' more then 'I don't think I deserve it'. Which is a kind of attitude that tracks with someone who was willing to give up her childhood for her ungrateful little shit brothers.
Story 2: definitely sounds like OP tries to discipline them, but dad and grandma overrule and undermine her so that no punishments stick and due to the fact the daughter isn't as unruly despite being younger there is a possibility that Dad and Grandma are the "boys will be boys" types of people who excuse all the bad behavior that way.
1:54 that’s cold Dabney. That is beyond cold. Yes the parents have those rights. But we are not talking about rights. We’re talking about if his right to protest. 2:04 sure 2:27 when is it not?
I thought the same thing. Being the parentified child in my family is the reason I have opted to never have kids. I have already raised enough children and made enough sacrifices in the process. There is no way I am doing that again.
The canceled vacation story got me thinking about my son and his family. If their children misbehaved, one or both parents would end the vacation. I would stay out of it because I don't want to undermine the parents. The other grandparents would do the same. Then I realized my grandchildren wouldn't behave like that in the first place (generally, still maturing). RSlash summed it up well. BTW my son's in-laws are awesome. Edited for spelling
Story 1, parentification is abuse, but there is also a sad reality that it sounds like OPs sisters parentification was unavoidable. Finacial hardships are devastating to families and OP was sheltered from those hardships by two hard working parents and a loving sister. Good on this big sister, and shame on OP. You are an adult now I guarentee you can see what she did for you and your brother now. Also OP is talking about inheritance, the thing you get after someone freaking DIES calm down and be grateful you dont have your inheritance yet and can instead enjoy time with your parents while they are alive. Entitled, whiney brat.
NTA. Fairness and Equity aren't the same thing. Sister is already set up, she'd done well in life AND gotten a head start. Younger, less time to have a career, less time to near money, less time to pay off a mortgage, youngest is by default the most disadvantaged. OP is having a perfectly reasonable reaction to the bias for the sister. Giving the sister extra is not logical
@@shykorustotoraThe boys also got an entire childhood. Parentification is abuse. And you writing the exact same comment over and over and over again doesn't make you right. The sister is well set up in life because she worked hard. Well taken care of her brothers. There was no reason they couldn't have done the same. There's no reason they couldn't have waited and have children until they were more set up. You making poor financial and poor life decisions when your sister who was abused didn't doesn't make you entitled to more money. The parents can give the money to whoever they want however they want. Maybe don't think you're entitled to your parents money. Honestly, if my kids act like that I would give them just enough so they couldn't sue the will and give the rest of the sister. Or better yet give it to a charity.
@@tysonwastaken oh yes, trying to make up for the fact that you ripped away somebody's childhood and parentifying them. Every doctor, every child psychologist agrees it is a form of child abuse is absolutely favoritism.🙄
Story 1 - ‘We were easy kids all she had to do was feed us…’ I don’t think you and your sister remember your childhood the same way. Good for the parents on this one for understanding that they put a lot on your sister at a young age.
In all honesty we don't know the situation, we don't know how easy or hard they were, as far as I saw we didn't actually see the ages of all the people involved. Any asshole score here for the kids would be missing valuable information, the parents however we have 3 things showing their assholes, the neglect, the fact the only way they can think to make up for a problem is by throwing money at it, and the fact they told their kids what the will entailed and let slip they were favoring one person over the others which will just breed resentment, the smartest thing to do if they for some reason just had to share the will would have been to just tell the sister
And they cry to guilt OP instead of behaving and trying to prove her wrong. If everything continues to run the course as it is, I see OP leaving husband and taking daughter with her. Soon I see the sons branching out and bully their sister too.
Story 2: The Vacation "having one strict parent is enough to make kids behave" Not when the other parent is ACTIVELY AGAINST their attempts to be strict like the Husband does to OP. All that does is make OP the bad guy and encourage the kids to do what they want knowing that the other parent will bail them out. Doubly so when their enabling is enforced by a third party who has a habit of also defending the bad behavior (Grandma thinks they can do no wrong). This was an awful take. 3/5 BH score for R/Slash.
First story: I started being left alone with my sisters when I was only about 5 years old. I started watching them for longer periods of time the older I got and by high school I was doing a decent amount of the grocery shopping, meal planning, and I was even solely responsible for getting my one sister to newspaper club every morning (in SPITE of the fact that I also had CNA clinicals first thing in the morning plus college courses that year). This is on top of the fact that I had jobs (both with the family and outside of it) from the age of 13. I do NOT agree with rSlash's assessment of this situation. Yes, parentification is abuse, but SO IS CHILD NEGLECT. What, the other kids don't have a right to feel forgotten/left out when that sounds like it's literally been their whole childhood? Most kids who are neglected in this way don't even start to realize the full extent of the damage it does until they get some real therapy/talk to friends whose parents actually raised them themselves. And as to the "it's their money"? Then put what you want in the will, write letters explaining why and that the sister had zero part in the decision, then leave it until after you die. Don't invite your kids in on a conversation, ask them to agree to be okay with getting less yet again, and then act all surprised Pikachu when they're upset. If you're not going to respect a no, then don't ask for a yes. This is probably a moot point because my parents don't really have shit to leave us but I can't imagine saying that I somehow deserve more than my sisters do. Hell, they have already gotten more than I have in many ways and I'm just happy that they're doing well. Fact is they did NOT benefit from having me look after them so often growing up. I am not a terribly patient person and that was even more true as a child. They are the ones who had to deal with the absolute terror that is your couple years older sister being in charge. Our mom basically taught me everything like cooking/cleaning/ect, and then expected me to teach them. Needless to say they couldn't even boil hot dogs before they moved out and taught themselves. As crappy as it is to be treated as a parent when you're a child I can only imagine it's even crappier to have your mom leave the raising of you almost completely to another child. Edit: I grammar real good lol
Where is all that money she's going to inherit going to go when she herself dies? I'm not saying it's anyone's business what she does with the money: she could save it all or spend it all on herself. I'm just saying she can't take it with her when she dies.
@@VicGeorge2K6She could donate it to charity. And what she does with her money is really none of her brother's business. The fact that she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she owes her brother money because he does. Your childless relatives are not your ATM, your free babysitters or inheritance machines for your children. There's a subreddit for people who think like that and I think it's starts with an e and also has another word that starts with p
@@LLandS18no except when she earns more money and has no children which means she spends most likely way less vs the brothers who are getting 50% split so each brother is only getting about 16% with a already low income and kids
It's clear that dad and grandma spoils the kids and any discipline from the mom goes down the drain. She should've just asked them to leave and she took that vacation for herself.
As a slightly experienced parent of over a decade... I'm putting my bets on the Grandma and the Dad doing the spoiling and OP letting it happen for so long makes her an accomplice to the deed.
@@TheJello of course it sounds like that. But look at their initial reactions to her threats of leaving. They didn't take her seriously. Why would you think that they reacted like that unless she constantly caved and let them have their way?
@@anime-mun Yeah it’s probably her first time because the dad and grandmother probably always spoil the kids so she feels like she doesn’t have a voice.
Here's my take on the one about the graduation party. A single quote I just came up with: "Don't tell me to act like the bigger person if I'm not going to be treated like the bigger person."
Rslash is right. That’s exactly what im thinking. I can almost guarantee that op tries to enforce rules, but her husband and mom undermine her. When a kid can’t get their way with one parent, they’ll go to the other
@4:32 "Cancelled Vacation" The Father constantly undermining the Mother is a huge problem. That means those kids always push, or break, boundaries because they know Dad will let it slide. Hay OP, spare the rod and spoil the child. Sounds like you need to be a hard ass with everyone, INCLUDING YOUR HUSBAND. If not when your kids are heading into deep puberty you will find you are too late.
I know you have a child, but she's still young and is only one child. Other than yours, it's clear you have little to no experience with kids. EVERYTHING you said was wrong. Literally, not figuratively, it was all wrong.
There were just so many examples of trauma in regards to children in this video. I had never heard the term trauma dumping before yet describes my experience so clearly and concisely. Thank you Rslash for all your wisdom in regards to mental health and trauma particularly in regards to children. You nailed it in each example.
The last story is incredibly upsetting. Who brings their 5 year old grandson to a GRAVE?! You're supposed to treat your grandkid better than your kid, and this is what you choose to do?!
I have a sister who drowned on her 6th birthday about 3 years before I was born (I'm 35). Are you suggesting that my parents should never have told me this? My niece (who is now 21) is named after my sister who drowned. Are you suggesting that it was some kind of abuse? Was it abuse to tell my niece that she was named after deceased aunt? I feel attacked by rslash's ruling in that story. I don't see how telling children about their deceased relatives and taking them to see their graves is inherently abusive regardless of context. It might be abusive the way OP's mom is doing it, but I don't think it's abusive in and of itself.
@@uselessinformation1988 As I said in my comment, taking a 5 year old to a grave the same way she constantly dragged her daughter to that grave year after year is absolutely abusive. Forcing her child's life to be about nothing but a sibling she lost before she was even born, including giving a favored toy to a tombstone, is absolutely abusive. You can celebrate life without overwhelming your child (and grandchild) with someone else's grief.
And pretty much also so that he and his brothers have no respect for the parents wishes and will act like entitled brats when they pass instead of mourn together and support each other. Nope! OP and brothers will act like vultures !
@@shykorustotorayeah but it's not their money. It's their parents money. They can split it however they want. And I bet you money. The parentification of the sister was a lot worse than OP's making it out to be. So if the parents want to give the sister 90% and then 10% so they can't see the will. Guess what? That's the parent's rights. And you're the one wanting to go about fairness and equity. The parents don't have to be fair or equitable. Grow up. Your parents don't owe you an inheritance.
@@LLandS18 Yes, they can split it however they want, however unfairly that want. That's the issue. They're not being fair in the sense of it being equity. The sister is set up, she's fine. She doesn't need additional support at this stage in her life, the other three do though. There's a reason OP brought up the fact she has a good job, dual income AND she's childless, implying they don't have the same situation. As a result, it makes no sense at this stage in life, to give your most handicapped children the least support. That's just nasty and cruel and if anything, give the AH score to the parents. How bout instead of you growing up, grow a half decent sized logical brain
3:54 OP is definitely not the problem in the vacation story. If the husband and mother are undermining her, and the husband doing so in front of the kids…it’s likely a pattern. So if the father is repeatedly giving them what they want, and showing them that her voice is not to be respected, they will do what they want and not respect her. It’s borderline abusive. Parenting should be a united front. It’s not her fault that her husband isn’t on board.
Dad should have stayed home with the boys and op & daughter had a mother daughter weekend. The daughter deserves that for having to deal with her brothers. Ypu weren't too harsh here. Its both parents fault for the boys' behavior getting that bad. Though it spunds like dad and mil are doing a lot of undermining of op where the boys are concerned. Family thereapy is definitely needed here.
Fourth story:You are forgot that step father is A TEACHER, A freaking TEACHER. That make it much worse. This guy should get investigation about conduct himself around kid
Story 2: Yeah, everyone was being way too lax on the kids, and it resulted in the vacation in shambles because of unruly kids. OP and her husband need to step up further and actually make sure those kids stop being nuisances if they want a full vacation. A few punishments will go a long way (no physical harm though) Now of course we don't fully know who is responsible for spoiling them, but still, OP and her husband both gotta do better
Hard disagree with the second rating. If anything it’s the dad and grandmother spoiling the kids while OP is doing her best here. Feels like r/slash being a parent is influencing his decisions again. You can be a very good parent and do your best and still end up having shitty kids
rSlash, wtf are you thinking? OP can't be the AH if they aren't the reason the kid are acting that way, which you acknowledge, I can tell you that having 1 strict parent does not do what you think.
First Story, YTA: What their parents do what their money is OP's parent's choice. Besides, OP should be grateful he is getting anything at all because this level of ungratefulness often leads to that person getting nothing instead of something. Its hilarious how OP said that all his sister did was watch and feed him and their brothers is hilarious because that's not all that it takes to babysit or be a parent to ur siblings. OP's sister sacrificed her childhood to help her parents get out of the debt they were in so I think the splitting is fair Second Story, NTA: The kids' behavior (mainly the boys) are the result of lack of discipline and consequences for their actions. Keep in mind, OP and her family were in a rental home and the boys dirtied up a couch, threw chalk in the pool, and overall misbehaved. Then the misbehaving continued throughout the entire day. OP's husband is straight up an enabler and OP was in the right to put her food down. I have to disagree with Rslash, I think it is only OP's husband. Where did I hear OP was being spoiled? OP WAS trying to discipline but he got undermined by her mother/MIL (don’t know the relation) and her husband. OP didn’t want to take them on the vacation due to previous misbehavior but OP's husband did it anyway. It sounds like OP is trying to enforce discipline but gets shut down by her husband and MIL/mother Third Story, NTA: What? They are mad because OP used their own money at the lounge? It's not OP's fault that they assumed the airport lounge would be a waste of money. Like OP said, they have the internet as well and could’ve looked up the info Fourth Story, NTA: It 100% is the step-father's fault. Why was he giving unsolicited advise about an autistic kid in the first place? That's the thing about unsolicited anything: it's not wanted Fifth Story, NTA: I get miscarriages are tragic and horrible but dumping all of that on a (then) child OP and now OP's 5 year old son is wildly inappropriate. Her forcing OP to give her favorite stuffed animal to the grave of it is wrong
I agree. OP and his brothers are AHs. Especially since he’s playing victim even after his sister old him she won’t take the extra share. Story two: sounds like OPs mom and spouse have the outdated “boys will be boys” mentality which is going to ruin them in the long run. Discipline and consistency with this was needed ages ago. Last story: others commented that OP posted an update. Basically the commenters informed her that her mother’s actions aren’t healthy nor normal. OP has decided to go low contact with her mother. If son ever informs OP that her mom brings up the miscarriage or drags him back to the grave, they will go completely no contact.
i disagree with the first one. OP was probably too young to realize how much his sister did for him, so it's okay for him to not know what he doesn't know. I do agree that it's the parents rights, but we're they right? There's too little information on story 1 to know for sure.
@@CinnamonRubystill though, OP isn’t entitled to anything unless his parents give it to him. At the end of the day, what they do with their money and assets is what they do
I rlly don’t understand how rSlash can think that the behaviour of the children is *always* the parent’s fault. You can be the bestest parent ever, and still have children grow up to be assholes simply because that’s who they are. No, the world doesn’t naturally abide by strict rules like “it’s always the parent’s fault of the children are misbehaving” or “one strict parent is enough to get children to behave.” Children are unpredictable and the mom was trying while having her husband and grandma constantly undermine her efforts it sounds like.
Last story: Not the same, but I had an aunt that passed away before I was alive. She passed away by her own means, but I was introduced to her at about 13. Not 5, so OP is NTA.
Second Story: That's the dumbest take I've ever heard. As a former chronic misbehaving kid, I can guarantee you that it's abso-friggin'-lutely the kid's fault.
Sadly that trauma dumping is real. My mom would often tell my sister stories about when she was living with my grandma and how it wasn’t the best life. Telling stories about our birth and going on about more stuff that I felt like we didn’t need to hear
Def wrong in the second story. If you have one parent trying to discipline, and another who says the boys shouldn't have any consequences, the two kids are obviously going to side with the dad, and then there isn't really any way to exact punishment after that. Considering the moms first response was to lay out an ultimatum, she may have known that there was no other way to actually discipline the kids with the father and grandmother there. 0/5 for the mom, at least 2/5 for the dad and grandma for trying to gaslight the mom into thinking she did something wrong. Oh, and 3/5 for the two boys, they are being absolute monsters. 8 and 9 is more than old enough to know how to behave when told. I would expect that kind of behavior from the three year old, and it says something when the toddler acted better than either of her siblings, her dad, or her grandmother.
Wtf. In the second story OP IS THE ONLY ONE TRYIN TO WRANGLE THE KIDS. In the context of this story LITERALLY the husband keeps undermining her as well as the gram. She may not be doing the best job but with the information we have shes the only one doing ANYTHING. She doesn't deserve the harshest score at all.
Story 1: honestly, props to the parents for realizing what they did was wrong and doing what they could to try and make up for it. Story 2: I feel like mom deserves less of a butthole score, but does deserve some. Story 3: the real question: its a friend vacation. Ditching them and not giving them the heads up is pretty questionable at best. Story 5: WTAF. Mom needs therapy. Keep her away from your kid.
R/slash becomes a father for literally only a yr and thinks he knows everything about parenting. Bro why we punishing the only parent who seems to be trying. I'd love r/slash to step into the shoes of half the people he gives these scores to just to see how he does.
Isn't that the truth, thinks he's a know-it-all because he covers reddit posts in a video when it clearly shows he's about as clueless as someone reading a map upside down
@@nexasmerideus9760 Every judgement gets you closer to God... or an God complex~ Being judgemental and having a superiosity complex go hand in hand... rSlash is kinda losing himself by judging others~ And everytime he judges someone as inferior he thinks of himself as even more superior!
For the 1st OP, he is so selfish that he does see that his sister sacrificed so much, and the parents are trying to pay back for their fault in not being the parent. I've been in her shoes, and it causes so many mental issues as an adult.
Why not pay them back now though? If what she did was so much, why are they waiting potentially decades to help someone who's already doing fine? And then leaving the kids who aren't as well off and giving them scraps? What kind of fked up parenting is this? Give the person winning the race a bottle of water and the people coming last metal boots? Fk that
@@tully6648 You guarantee do you? Based on what? Gimme a break. If you aren't prepared to trust his word he was easy to take care of, you can't trust his word that his sister had to "sacrifice" anything at all
Rememeber the boys didn't choose A) that their sister should be parentified and B) to be born. This is a case of the Parents are Aholes, for parentifieing their daughter and then having more kids while in debt.
OP in the second story. Yeah she's probably not being as strict as she should be as a parent. The husband almost seems to be an absent parent. Just in the "whatever" kind. The mother/grandma seems like the one that spoils them the most.
When my parents die, my siblings will use their inheritances to probably go on a holiday before coming home to their already paid off houses. I'll be kicked out of where I live and have to find a place to rent, all because my parents decided to have a massive gap between having my other siblings and me. NTA
@@shykorustotora Brav, you're 31 years old already, at least in the context of this story. It's not the sisters or the parents' fault that you will be less well off because of the choices YOU made. Maybe, if you were also child free you wouldn't be whining like you do right now! Damn!
Last story. Mom need to get therapy. She loves her dead child more than her living daughter and grandchildren. The living can't never trumpet the dead in mom's views. She can do this privately and not force people to grieve with her.
*First OP:* OP's sister sacrificed her childhood and adolescence to look after OP and his brothers. She might not _need_ the money, but it's the principle of the matter. OP is TA. *Fourth OP:* Why should OP be the bigger person when their stepfather started the fight by giving unsolicited advice regarding OP's stepmom's daughter? OP is NTA. *Fifth OP:* Yeah, OP should cut contact from her "mom" and everyone who agrees with her. A five-year-old has no business knowing about miscarriages. OP is NTA. I disagree with the mom's score. She deserves the full 5/5 Bus.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope The person who keeps throwing it in the face of their father about the ruined graduation party is not the butthole and does not need to "be the bigger person" Forgiveness lies entirely with the person who has been hurt. Nobody except for the person who was the grievanced party has any right to decide when or if the person who caused the issue deserves forgiveness. To tell a person that they need to be the bigger person is telling them that the person who hurt them is fully allowed to get away with being hurtful because they are the smaller person and that it's better to forgive that sort of action. It's wrong and people need to learn that
Bro wtf how are you gonna call the dad from yesterday's story selfish for not wanting to give up 10k of HIS money on a wedding but then call this kid a jerk because his inheritance is split unfairly
Graduation party story, OP should stay mad at him until he takes responsibility and realizes he ruined the party because he couldn't just be quiet for a couple hours and nod politely at people.
@KadeStringer2.0 then it's the husband's fualt. You can't effectively parent if you're not a united front. Not setting rules and following with consequences is horrible parenting.
Well I do kind of agree with you a bit on that second story, just because you have any type of structure in a family doesn't mean that a kid won't become a brat. I mean, both of my parents were pretty strict with me, and I was still being a brat a lot of the time. You also have to consider the balance equation. If OP is the only one that's doing any type of enforcing, but you have the grandmother and the father both spoiling them, it will undermine anything that the mother does because they'll just think "Grandma or daddy will make it better." And that's not even getting into the fact of genetics. It's like they say, one kid can be raised in a perfectly loving and caring household, but then end up becoming an evil person because it's in their own personal nature. Some kids are also born to be brats no matter what.
The problem with "respect your elders" is that it basically lets older people continue to act like entitled buttholes without any repercussions. Being an older person means that you should know better and you should act like the bigger person in any situation, NOT expect the younger generations to do the job you fail to do yourself. Also, OP's husband in the second story sounds like an enabler who doesn't want anybody to discipline his boys basically because of the "boys will be boys" mentality that lets them grow up to be promoters of toxic masculinity. OP herself is NTA.
And OPs mom saying she should cherish these moments because they grow up fast. Lady get your head out of the clouds! The grandsons are acting like brats and need to learn early on not to act out or else they will get more unmanageable with age. Grandma also likely feels that her parenting is over and grandmas only need to spoil grandkids. Also proof she needs to get her head out of the clouds.
The story with the stepparents. The Stepmom was literally defending herself and her child against a verbal attack. I don't care who the attacker is, she has every right to defend herself. That stepfather is a complete AH and deserves a 5/5 score for verbally attacking a disabled child. OP is absolutely not the AH.
I say this as a parentified oldest sibling but the ones in the first story who are the AH are the parents. First, they punish the oldest for being the oldest and making her watch the kids. Now they're punishing the younger child for having been born pretty much. OP and the siblings are also sort of AH for the way they said everything but their feelings of being seen as less than because their parents are trying to buy forgiveness are understandable. The worse part about this whole situation is the sister didn't even want it. If the parents had talked with her privately, they would have known that. They could have avoided all the hurt feelings but in the end it's all about what's best for the parents. Honestly after typing all this out, I'd be surprised if the parents had anything to inherit in the end because they'll probably f*ck that up somehow too.
First time reading this and my brain went you throw bricks at your kid not beat them with it and I was thinking of all the stuff thrown at me like brushes ashtrays steel toe boots glass mugs and even a frozen chicken but no brick. I seriously doubt violence would work didn't on me and my brother.😂
8:35 what Rslash said didnt make sense. Also what is it with people and the internet? Its not like you can even use the internet when youre traveling anyway, itll waste your data plan. Just talk like normal human beings. If you're actually their friend why WOULDN'T you explain the benefits directly. WHO CARES ABOUT THE INTERNET. Nothing is more important than being a human being and talking to people directly. Youre not babies. Secondly, it doesn't make sense what Rslash said because the friends DID explain why they mistakenly thought what they thought. They said its more expensive and theres no benefits. OP clearly knew they had missing information and didnt immediately inform them otherwise. Thats sneaky and underhanded. Thats the minor stuff narcissists and sociopaths do. Their actions arent always glory and extremely scary, they do minor things like this too. So no, i dont agree with Rslash basically upholding this kind of behavior. Its just not what friends do.
Whoa whoa whoa, I think everyone should consider another angle on story one. Those parents seem to like pitting their children against each other. When op is upset, they are disappointed in him and think he needs to reflect on himself, but did they bother to reflect themselves? Their attempt to make things up to the sister for her "sacrifice" comes after they are dead, and isn't as useful now that she has it made. She didn't sacrifice, she was sacrificed. Op is still a jerk, but he is being manipulated into it by the parents, as telling them now is just stirring up drama.
Story 1: You and your brothers are ungrateful a-holes, and how dare you underplay your sister's sacrifice to the family just because you want more money. You have no idea what it's like to have to give up having all the fun of being a child/ teenager so your sibling don't have to. Your parents understand how much they asked of her and wanted to show her that they cared and appreciated it, but apparently the 3 boys she did it for are so damn greedy, selfish and stupid they refuse to. And her financial status has nothing to do with it, apologize and thank her, NOW!
I would probatly feel the same in that situation and I would say you know what you cna have my aprt as wel clearly i dont mather as much. honestly the story is wya more complicated because clearly there is golden child syndrome as well. surely its their right its their money even if they would burn it thats their choice. however to me this seems a lot like golden child syndrome instead. its not even about the money probatly more about blatant favorotism
@@wowgek7 gold child syndrome?!?!?!?! u must not be the oldest child in a poor family. she basically became a 3rd parent for her brothers becuz her parents had to work and make money to keep the family afloat. i'm happy that she actually has parents that acknlowedge such sacrifice as many a times parents dont and take it as a "becuz ur the oldest and a girl you must become ur siblings second mother eventho u urself are a child and should be allowed to have a normal childhood" if u really feel this way u need to re-evaluate urself and ur values.
NTA. Fairness and Equity aren't the same thing. Sister is already set up, she'd done well in life AND gotten a head start. Younger, less time to have a career, less time to near money, less time to pay off a mortgage, youngest is by default the most disadvantaged. Giving the sister extra is backwards
@@shykorustotoraYour comment is wrong in so many ways. Let me list them. 1. First of all, fairness and equity literally are the same thing lol. Look it up, equity means the state of being fair. The word you're looking for is equality, where everyone gets the same amount. Equity would imply everyone gets their respective in based on their financial situations. Neither of which necessarily happened so that "equity" point is absolutely irrelevant. 2. paying someone extra for taking care of your responsibilities when you couldn't is warranted and justified, especially when said person was a minor herself. Parentification is a type of child abu5e, no matter how hard OP and you try to undermine that fact, it's still a very harsh responsibility. Could you take care of 3 kids by yourself as a minor with very little financial support from your parents to do so due to their lack of money? I didn't think so. 3. The youngest is a man in his 30s. It's not his mommy and daddy's responsibility to give him money because he needed it more. He could work for it. Besides, it's not like he's not receiving any money. He's getting the same amount as his brothers. OP is just overly entitled. 4. Back to your equity point. You mention that this isn't fair because the youngest has the most disadvantages, including how the sister didn't want kids. did you ever stop to think that she doesn't want kids because she was forced to be a parent when she was young and suffered so much from it that it turns her away from kids altogether? By all means she could have kids if she wanted to. She's apparently very well off and has a partner. And OP seems to be a very unreliable narrator. If anything, he could've been lying about being so well behaved. I'd believe it if the kids were all super hard to take care of, considering they're all in their thirties and throwing temper tantrums over inheritance. So considering that, it would make sense that the parents would be more sympathetic for not only putting her through a form of child @bu5e, but it still having a toll on her 20/30 years later. She babysat for free and now the parents give her the payment she deserves and you think because the youngest has less finances he's owed their money? Christ. I pray you nor a sibling of yours has to go through what OPs sister went through.
Aww, the kids misbehaved and were punished? So sad! Actions have consequences? Aww, so sad! Maybe, next time the kids misbehaved, OP should send them straight to grandma and let HER deal with it! That way, SHE can see what it's like to put up with the kids.
First story-it isn't the kids fault that their parents were struggling. The boys lost a part of their childhood too by losing a sister and gaining another parent. They're well within their rights to be upset. The mom in the second story really isn't a bad guy. She laid out boundaries and they were ignored.
Hey, I absolutely love the fact that we can have a discussion in your comment section, really appreciate you and your content. That being said, I wholeheartedly have to disagree with your statement: "even just having 1 strict parent, is enough to get kids under control". This is unfortunately not the case, atleast not without a support system in the house itself. From the story of the 2nd OP, you can clearly read that they alone discipline their children, while the dad sits and mopes. Even going so far as to give the OP the silent treatment, showing the kids:" see, this is all moms fault, I wanted you guys to stay" causing the OP to question if disciplining their children was correct. My question than becomes, how many times has this happened before, that OP disciplines their child/children only to not be supported and feel like doing wrong. And thus going back on the punishment. She conveyed her worries to her husband, they got there, kids let loose and she told her husband once more and he dismissed her. So I do not see how this could be on her, I don't see how she is TA. The behaviour is on the Father and Grandma. Those kids get a no and a yes everytime, and kids listen more often to the Yes parent, until even they start to say no, and then you have kids who don't listen. And watch how fast the Yes parent will blame the other parent for this behaviour. But so far my opinion on this matter. Thank you again for making this a safe space to discuss and agree/disagree
All it takes is one parent undermining the other for kids not to respect the strict one. So no having one strict one isn't enough some times
True OP reminds my a lot of my mom she always needed to be the "not fun" parents because my dad always uses to undermind her my and my brother were little devils because of him until we grown the f up and became good to our mom
100% agree. Some times, no matter what one person does, a kid ends up messed up because just one person is enabling them to be something other than their best self. I've always seen this as what the true meaning of "It takes a village to raise a child".
Also the best to turn one of the parents into the “fun” one and the other the nagging one. If it’s just op against both dad and grandparent, she’s in a lose situation
Especially when the parents are separated or divorced. I've seen it happen with my niece and nephew.
I agree
How is OP in the second story supposed to punish the kids if she’s constantly being undermined by the husband and the grandma? Like they treat her poorly and blame her for even attempting to parent the kids, she’s outnumbered.
Bad kids doesn't automatically mean bad parents. People need to stop that BS excuse
The same way she did just now in the story. Seeing a boundary and not letting others cross it. Not that hard for the strong willed. Plenty of parents do it in similar situations without having to go to reddit
@kardellious I think you're underestimating how hard it is to be in a 2 v 1 situation when it comes to parenting/things in general
@@kardellious How strong to you expect her will to be when none of the kids, nor her Husband or mother are working with her? You expect her to be a one man army and tackle the entire family top to bottom? That's not an issue of "strong will"
@@shykorustotora idk I've mostly lived with women my whole life, my aunt did it with me. Mother did with sister, three strong female friends and an ex. So sure my experience is fasho bias especially having to live with multiple strong willed women. All Im hearing is excuses.
Ah yes the mother is solely to blame for the kids behavior. Parenting is a two person job and right now the husband and grandmother are undermining her.
The husband and the grandmas are clearly the problem with the kids bad behaviour, and with how the grandma is presented she spoils them constantly. Op is the only one in the story that doesn't deserve an AH score, i don't understand why the mother is at fault for Rslash when she has to try to keep the kids in check against both the husband and the grandmas.
7 months late and while I think Rslash is wrong, he didn't say it was solely her fault, the opposite actually
I don't think OP is a "bad parent" in the second story. I think it's very hard to parent kids who have 2 people enabling their bad behaviour.
Yeah, I feel the same. I bet the husband enable them at home and undermines every OP attemp to get them to behave
Op needs to grab a belt and spank her boys and husband
Indeed. You don't need two enabling parents. Just one who is willing to undermine the other and remove the consequences of boundaries. The fact that she's willing to make and stand by these boundaries, while her husband and MIL are whittling at her to relent speaks far, FAR more to this.
Yeah, as proven by a previous story about OP dating a man who has a totally spoiled daughter and never at any point corrects her behavior and allows her to do whatever she wants while also yelling at OP for whenever she tries to correct his daughter. I get the feeling OP's husband here and her mother is doing this exact thing to OP's kids.
Yea she’s basically trying to tame a bunch of wild animals while 2 bozos are trying to make them mad she can’t do anything in this situation.
I wouldn't give op in the second story a butt hole score. You assume she was one of the spoilers but she could be the only one to discipline the children but the mom and husband could also tell the spoil kids not to listen to her
I’m thinking of the AITA story where OP carried the weight of the family especially when the in-laws visited. One day she had enough and stayed elsewhere and let them deal with the carnage. Maybe next time, if there is one, OP should not go
@@lorilancaster5917I think that's the perfect idea, let them be directly responsible for whatever the kids do and see how they handle them
@@lorilancaster5917 i was gonna reference that post in my comment but i would ranted like a mofo but that post is essentially the premise of this post and OP aint the asshole but there needs to be major boundaries being set before things can go forward especially i'd argue more towards the husband cause he needs to actually be a proper parent, they could just bar the grandmom until further notice
@@BoatingMyFloatyep from the story it seems like the husband and MIL have never had to take care of them for a extended period of time and probably let OP take all the heat.
Yeah I know sometimes you have to read into or even past what op presents but like Rslash is doing a lot of jumping because kids are brats and says "well it's not the kids fault" and "useily one strict parent is enough" when like he's read stories whare both parents are saints and there kid is still a devil that's not even talking about the fact that op's mom and husband are clearly spoiling the kids and there's no proff op does at all in fact she didn't want to do the vacation at all because I'd there behavior and if she did spoil them that wouldn't cross her mind
Story 4: why tf do kids have to be the bigger person when they're angry with a parent/step-parent? I'm sick of that shit
I agree, and it’s because they don’t want to be the bigger person and take accountability, so they dump it onto the other people involved.
Last story about the 68-year-old woman who 'trauma dumps' on kids. That woman needs therapy, stat. What a disturbed person she is? And making her living kid give up a favourite toy to a grave? Yikes.
She needed therapy 30 years ago.
If you are hanging on to a miscarriage for 30+ years, and making that your whole personality, then you are out in the Deep.
I'm surpriced, that she was allowed to adopt.
There's trauma dumping, and then there's...whatever this is, good lord. That woman needs therapy yesterday. Forcing your child to give their favorite toy to the grave...that's so many levels of weird, creepy, heartbreaking and heartless. Bad enough to do the dumping on her daughter....but now she wants to inflict her grief and mental illness on her grandchild?
"Here's your dead aunt (you literal 5 year old grandchild) she died before she was born. Your mom never even knew her. Say? What's that you got there in your hand? Your aunt would've loved that! Give it to her!"
Nah, if you are trauma dumping the same thing for 30+ years then it's too late for therapy
I’m sure she also wanted to abuse OP and saw this as the perfect way to do so
@@bibigamer502Why adopt a kid to trama abuse onto them and not treat them as a kid that needs your love 😢.
The second story is leaving a lot out. We have no idea who is spoiling them like RSlash said. But the giveaway is the dad and the grandmother both not supporting the mom when she tried to punish the kids. Meaning that the boys face no consequences and the mom is turned into a bad guy the the kids eyes
Yep. The whole "you only need one strict parent" is nonsense. If your punishments are constantly being subverted by the other adults then it will never matter how strict you are. They are being taught to not respect their mother and its absolute garbage. Honestly this kind of behavior starts toeing its way into divorce territory. At minimum both parents need to be a united front when it comes to discipline. She is not the butthole she is just doing what she can in the face of enablers who have turned her children into nightmares.
I would have at least leave the daughter with the grandma. She didn't do anything wrong.
One strict parent would mean they would behave. This story is probs op's first time parenting these kids.
@@annalenaimre6368Nope. My half sisters were entitled assholes when they were younger because when my mom put her foot down, they’d run to daddy, who’d let them have whatever they wanted.
Bad kids doesn't automatically mean bad parents. People need to stop that BS excuse
dad may give mom the silent treatment but he didnt once correct the kids or even offer to stay alone on the vacay with them because he is well aware of how shitty the kids act
Literally, she offered to leave but no everyone had to leave
If Dad & Grandma were happy to stay and endure the boys' bratty behavior, why didn't OP just leave them there and enjoy a few days of peace & quiet? That seems like the obvious solution.
The just-as-obvious answer is, unfortunately, that OP is expected to do all the parenting & emotional labor. Grrr.
The op in the second story doesn’t deserve a butt hole score. She is being undermined by the husband and her mother.
People fighting over inheritance while their parents are still alive! Gross.
Imagine giving a fuck about the money, give a fuck about the pictures and other sentimental shite!
@@ItsMeBarnabyyeah, I mean they kinda asked for that fight.
@@ItsMeBarnaby Maybe. But it's better to talk about it now, while they can still explain their reasoning for their decisions (not that the kids are entitled to that but it's nice of the parents to do). Many children don't get that privilege and just wonder for the rest of their life why their parents gave them less than others.
At the end of the day the sons would've probably bitched either way.
My gran died recently and her sons(my uncles) were all bragging in front of her while she was in a hospital bed, dying, about what they're going to do with her money once they sell all of her stuff....including her dog. Jokes on them, my mom was the one to get EVERYTHING because we cared for her when no one else would 🥲
@@RefrigeratedBeansI’m so sorry for your loss Glad your mom got everything!
2nd story: Sure, maybe OP isn't being firm enough, but husband and grandma are clearly trying to undermine her.
Well she’s probably afraid to be firm because spouse will just undermine her and retract any punishments she provides so he can be the cool parent.
@@lorilancaster5917 I was thinking the same thing. The Husband **and** the Grandma sound like they've been spoiling the kids. The kids think they don't have to listen to Mom since Dad and Grandma said they're aloud to do all this.
I would've just taken the daughter and left the boys with the Grandma and Husband since they said, "They are Angels and can't do no wrong." And have them deal with the fallout.
@@LilDevyl17 This. If you say it's no big deal: Congratulations, you just volunteered to do the job.
2nd story: it’s clear that the grandma is undoing the discipline set by the parents. That’s the issue
The husband too tho since he kept undermining his wife
And it sounds like the dad doesn’t do much neither other than bury his head in the sand.
I'd grab the daughter and go back on vacation with just the daughter and leave the husband alone with the boys.
@@pollypockets508I was thinking more, take the two boys home and everyone else have a vacation but I was wondering if it would be unfair to show a kind of favoritism? I guess it could be taught as a “behaved kids get rewarded” kind of thing but honestly they should’ve just disciplined their kids more
@@pollypockets508
Lol, that's what I was thinking. Leave Granny and Husband with the little terrors and see how long they keep thinking the behavior is acceptable as they try to keep up with their destructive nature or one of them actually just goes missing since they respond as well as an untrained hound on a scent. OP & Daughter should have the vacation the Daughter deserves.
Story 5 edit/update:
Edit: thank you so much everyone for the support, I was somewhat gaslit for my whole childhood and this thread has really helped me to see how messed up it really was that she consistently trauma dumped on me and put her grief on me during my childhood. I’m definitely going to consider going LC, and if my son tells me she’s brought it up again likely NC.
I’m glad to hear that. She would’ve likely expected grandson to make cards and gifts to would have been aunt or uncle. He does not need to be a passenger aboard her delusional train
Just don't allow her to take him anywhere without you and without you having control of the transportation
My own mother used me as her personal therapist and while what she did wasn't NEARLY as fucked up as what ops mom did to her it was pretty similar and my heart goes out to her. ❤
Glad you got the support you needed to hear, OP. Your mother is a very sad, broken person, and it sucks you had to ride shotgun besides her on frequent guilt trips to the grave site. Trauma dumping doesn't seem like nearly awful enough of a term to describe what she did to you. Worse, she's already started to attempt to repeat the process with your son.
This isn't grief, it hasn't been grief for her for a very long time. This is mental illness of some flavor. I wouldn't leave her alone with your kid ever again, and that's assuming you don't decide to completely cut her out from your lives for both yours and your son's own mental well being.
Give her a chance, and she will almost certainly try this again with him.
She can't or won't help herself, so she instead tries to dump it onto others, as if that unhealthy sorrow could somehow be transferred, like passing a curse on to someone else to get out from under it's effects. Which actually kind of sounds like what she's been doing to you your entire life. It obviously didn't work, so she's trying it on a new child, and maybe this time it'll be different.
Of course, she's not consciously aware of it that way, at least I hope. Because then she'd just be a complete monster. But it almost sounds like her grief twisted into some unhealthy compulsion and she needs serious therapy, and maybe an exorcism. It's not so different than if she had a substance abuse disorder, for all intents and purposes she does, her substance of choice is grief and when she comes down off it, she does so by inflicting it on other people to make herself feel better.
That doesn't make what she did to you any less heinous or horrific, and if she ever comes back to reality, she's going to have own up to and face the consequences of her actions and what she did to you, and I don't envy her in that position. Prioritize your and your kid's health and wellbeing, keep your mother as far away as possible, lest she try to sacrifice your son's happiness and mental health to the lonely always hungry insatiable grave of his dead aunt.
@@thegrimharvestVery well said. 👏
While yes I can agree with RSlash how thanks to how the story is written, it's leaving a lot of the stuff out, so we can't say for sure if the Mom is in on the spoiling or not
But based on how it's written, you can practically feel the frustration and stress in her story. My guess is that she actually does try to set boundaries and rules, but with Husband shutting her down and undermining her punishments while being backed up by her mom... Its a 4 against 1 situation, counting the brats
So of course the Brats won't listen. I used to be one myself, and I'd know that if I was in their shoes, I'd test boundaries and hide behind the enablers as a shield from the actual responsible one. It'll make me listen to them more because it's what I want to hear
So I don't think OP deserves a Butthole score, she's not perfect, but in a stressful family like this, she's doing her best, and in her words "showing them actual consequences" which shows this is been happening far too often
The way she described them crying the whole way back, and the way her husband and MIL were pushing... Yeah. I'll bet it's the 4 vs. 1 setup. The kids kept crying because dad was in the car. They'll keep clinging to dad and grandma until either one of them firmly tells them no.
Yes, cause If one parent is undermining the other and in front of the kids. The kids are going to listen to the parent that's defending them before they listen to the parent that's trying to punish them. You put it much better than I did.
He's being biased again
Story 4: When people say “be the bigger person” what they actually mean is “it’s easier to guilt trip you into complying than it is to change the mind of a known asshole.
NTA Op, your stepfather LITERALLY had 1 job…and he couldn’t handle it.
I seriously doubt "be the bigger person" was meant to put with bullying or entitled behavior. I think it means that you're not going to seek revenge. But that doesn't mean they get away with what they did to you.
@@uselessinformation1988 actually, it means don't stoop to the level of the asshole. if that person is calling you names, don't call them names back. if they are trying to get you to fight them, don't fight them. it doesn't mean don't get revenge (or truthfully, seek justice) or let the person walk all over you, it just meant that you don't engage in petty, shitty behavior when you encounter a petty, shitty person.
but petty, shitty people have been using it as a shield to continue abusing their victims, whether or not it is them or an accomplice/ second victim who spouts the phrase.
@@abiean222 You said it better than I did. I was trying to say something along those lines. But I personally believe that there's a difference between revenge and justice.
@@uselessinformation1988 not really. both revenge and justice are just seeking to right a wrong done to you. they are the same thing with different names.
@@abiean222 The difference is justice is when you do it legally. Revenge is when you take matters into your own hands.
Last story: OPs mom needed therapy ages ago. First she adopts OP to fill a void. Then expects OP to mourn and sacrifice someone she has no attachment to. And now she wants to recruit OPs son into this. Maybe dear grandma should be placed on a time out while she decides whether to continue the role of a victim or move on.
I’m noticing a trend of “hypocrisy” in these AITA stories & it also pisses me off too how these people are calling the OP’s buttholes for dishing out the same thing that they dished out.
Honestly for the 2nd story I won't be surprised if this ends up in divorce territory. With her having custody of her daughter, while her husband gets custody of the two boys. Let him deal with disciplining the boys.
He won't and these boys will grow up to become abusers, rapists and entitled assholes.
If the world is lucky, they'll get themselves killed before harming others~
My family has a similar situation to the last story. HOWEVER, they waited until we were 12-13 and could properly understand the situation. They took us one by one, talked to us and answered any questions. My siblings and I have each gone to the grave ONCE before then went to Build-a-Bear, built a teddy and gave the bear the baby's name. We all still have the bear (over 20 years later). 5 is waaaaay too young to process what OP's ma is dumping on him. OP is NTA
It’s funny how in story 4 the step father thinks he’s the victim when he’s the one that ruined the party and acting more of a child.
Last story. When my dad was about 9 or 10, he lost his older brother to a sudden medical condition. It was an immensely traumatic experience for my dad and his family. I didn’t even find out about it until I was an older child, and it was told to be in a matter of fact way. I think that’s how a normal family handles those things.
2nd story: How is she an asshole? She was the only one not enabling them.
Probably because she isn't being hard and firm enough to stand her ground when it comes to enforcing discipline. But it doesn't really help when her husband is constantly fighting her efforts to discipline his children.
@@VicGeorge2K6 You can be as firm as Ghandi was peaceful, doesn't mean shit if two people are gonna overwrite what you do.
@@VicGeorge2K6 even if she was "firm" the brats could just hide behind either the dad or the grandma or both meaning the mums punishment would do jack shit either way
Story 4(? The graduation party one): I work with young special needs kids. I'd bet MONEY that the "advice" the stepfather was trying to impart on the autistic kid's mom is either A) stuff she already knows and probably doesn't even work 60% of the time for ANY kid, B) telling her to get her kid ABA therapy, or C) both. All three are bad, but personally I'd call somebody a piece of 💩 too if they did either B or C. SO MANY people who have been through ABA and now even many professionals believe ABA to be literal child abuse. That's why it alone would be enough to boil my blood.
Story 3: It's a lounge, by definition they should have already had an idea on what would be in there, this is like this usually have a description somewhere to let people know what's in store. You asked if they wanted to come but they said no because it was a waste of money right? Okay then, they only get to be mad because you had a good time and they didn't.
Apparently misery loves company. They wanted OP in agony with them but OP had other plans.
You guys really wouldn't tell your friends more about it since it's obvious they didn't know?
Like you wouldn't even try to lay out the benefits and tell them what they're missing out on.
These aren't strangers, they're your friends. Would you truly allow your family and friends make this mistake without trying to convince them
@@nessajulian9924 they said no. No is a complete sentence. Why should OP continue a conversation no one wants to have?
@@nessajulian9924it aint my job to educate my buddies or assume what they do or dont know. Op asked and they decried it as a waste of money. What point is there in debating?
Story 4: Another case of "Rules for thee, but not for me." The stepfather thinks that he can do whatever the peck he wants, but apparently OP can't too.
And him claiming he knows what he's talking about because he's a teacher? Yeah, simply being a teacher isn't enough, you need to actually research it
And one rule would be not to be a duck about it and make a scene at someone’s party. He should come to terms that either OP will never invite him to events even if this means his mom won’t attend. This or OP plans on rubbing salt on the wound
He had a summer briefing about autistic children, therefore he's the expert! Because no way the parents of an autistic child could learn from their therapists, doctors, as well as do individual research or have first hand experience!
@@skorpiongodhe must also be the same guy who played on flight simulators and therefore told everyone he’s a pilot
@@lorilancaster5917 And got mad at his wife for telling people what he actually does for a living 😂 That guy was straight up delusional!
"even just one strict parent is enough" "no one is being strict"
OP is literally the strict parent. It's highly unlikely OP just became this strict just for the vacation.
Man, if my two sisters and I pull the type of crap the kids story 2 then the vacation/trip would be canceled. This was especially true if we went to someone's house or at a grocery store and misbehave.
I was helping my sister take care of her grandchildren a few weeks ago. The five year old was put in time-out four times in one day. 1 kicking his older sister. 2 flipping a table(literally). 3 dumping 120 pounds of potting soil(in bags) onto the ground. 4 yelling during story time. His sister went into time out once because she helped flip the table.
@@asmith8692 TBF, flipping a table sounds kinda fun.
@@wmdkitty the table flipping was incidental. But they damaged a cart that my sister used to store gardening tools when the table landed on it. That was the reason for the time out.
Second story. OP is not the butthole. They aren’t a bad parent. They’re the only ones trying to keep the ship afloat. And if you don’t have support from the other adults in the situation, It’s worse than swimming upstream without fins.
i think OP in 2nd story shouldn't get a butthole score...they are trying to keep the kids in check but the husband and grandma are the ones undoing whatever she tries to do.
i went through parentification but i know damn well i’m not getting treated the way that op’s sister did in the will because i’m not the favourite child.
1st story - Find it interesting that the sister is childless. Wonder if the experience of taking care of younger brothers could have soured her view of parenthood.
Maybe and I doubt OP and his siblings weren’t easy going. I also doubt they sat around and just did their homework. And the feeding part, sister was responsible to feed herself, three ungrateful brothers with trash compactors for stomachs, and two tired parents who were likely starving. Sister may not have even had a chance sometimes to even eat.
@@lorilancaster5917 A LOT of assumptions there. Why not just assume he's Jewish or Black while you're at it?
@@shykorustotoragiven their financial status, it's easier to assume their food stituation than it is to assume race. Still wrong to assume, but bad analogy.
@@lorilancaster5917 Similar boat to OP for most of my childhood. My sisters and I got punted between two sets of grandparents and our parents and occasionally an aunt for around nine years, and only one grandma bothered to try and raise us (thankfully we wound up with her and her husband permanently when I hit 12) and for as long as I can remember I was the one making sure my infant and toddler sisters were taken care of, and I still had to parent when our last set of grandparents took us in because grandpa didn't do jack shit with the raising besides spoiling them and enabling their shitty behavior.
My mom finally took my sisters back now that the raising has been done and my sisters bitch about me being such a terrible elder sister, acting as if they were innocent do-gooders when all they did was get into stuff, waste food, sneak out of the house regularly, steal money and other stuff that makes me want to punch a hole in the wall because I literally had to put my entire life on hold for them. When I was in high school I wasn't allowed to do extracurriculars because of finances and someone needing to be home to watch my sisters. When my sisters got to high school, our finances didn't change all that much but suddenly these two were allowed to be in all sorts of stuff, and I'm honestly never going to get over that in particular, especially since I was still living with them and STILL had to watch a goddamn 17 and 15 year old when they were at home because of how bad they were. Why reward them with letting them do after school stuff??
@@magicfish8213 He wants to assume the sister didn't eat and the brothers ate like a small army. BS you can't assume race if you're already going that far
Sorry Rslash but it was a bad take on story 2. The OP shouldn't have gotten a butthole score, she attempted to stop the vacation but her husband undermined them so they went. Grandma sees her grandbabies as angels who can do no wrong, between them they will undo any good parenting that the OP is doing. There is also no evidence that the OP is spoiling her kids that's you jumping to assumptions.
For story 2, again, we're just making assumptions with not enough information. OP laid down the boundaries and the rules that the kids and basically everyone shat all over.
If I was OP, I would've found another place with the daughter and continue the vacation and let dad and granny deal with the little turds, see how well they can handle them.
I would agree with you that the boys behavior is partly OPs fault, but again, we don't know enough. OP might be trying, but is constantly undermined.
Just based on the story itself, daughter is NTA, OPs maybe 1/5, sons 2/5, dad and granny maybe 2.5/5...
Ok but OP literally said that leaving was a rare moment of punishment. Rslash is right, My mom is stressed, but my dad isn't and even though that is the case I was still pretty well discipland despite my ADHD
@@EricA-ds6rs op isn’t at fault
Thank you! I feel like Rslash was being unnecessarily harsh on on OP with what he was assuming. Giving her points for no valid reason at all is frustrating. If both the Dad and Grandma are spoiling the boys of course only one voice isn’t going to be enough. I say OP is NTA.
Yeah, it sounds like a lot is being left out. There may be some medical issues being left out here. For example, OP may have some anxiety disorder, and the boys may have adhd or other behavior disorders.
@@camarofan2008 dude nothing is being left out
2nd story: rSlash, I can't wait til that little infant of yours becomes a troll of a toddler and a snarky little kid. You may be a dad, but you have no idea what you're talking about so often.
OP is the only adult in this story who ISN'T a bad parent. The dad and the grandmother are both terrible parents, OP is the only one actually BEING a parent.
It's amazing how every rule your parents were strict about while growing up simply goes out the window once you have your own kids... the "they're only little once" thing isn't supposed to justify bad behavior, it's supposed to remind adults to spend time with their kids.
Edit: I'm a single dad, my son is 5. I had to pull the whole ending vacation early thing on him and listen to him sob for like an hour before he fell asleep as I drove. I didn't want to leave, but actions have consequences.
Second story:
OP: is having her rules and punishments for his kids walked all over by both her husband and her mother-in-law before and during the vacation.
R/slash: “Uhhh JuSt Be A BeTtEr PaReNt!!”
Bro the sister in the first story is so funny, “Look I agree with y’all that I shouldn’t get all that money but, fuck y’all for saying I don’t deserve it.” 😂
Hmm, I read it more as 'I wasn't really interested in the money' more then 'I don't think I deserve it'. Which is a kind of attitude that tracks with someone who was willing to give up her childhood for her ungrateful little shit brothers.
Story 2: definitely sounds like OP tries to discipline them, but dad and grandma overrule and undermine her so that no punishments stick and due to the fact the daughter isn't as unruly despite being younger there is a possibility that Dad and Grandma are the "boys will be boys" types of people who excuse all the bad behavior that way.
1:54 that’s cold Dabney. That is beyond cold.
Yes the parents have those rights.
But we are not talking about rights. We’re talking about if his right to protest.
2:04 sure
2:27 when is it not?
1st Story: Looking after her brothers as a kid is probably the reason why she decided not to have kids herself.
Was just going to comment this lol
Bingo, she was an unpaid babysitter for however many years, this is just the backpay
I thought the same thing.
Being the parentified child in my family is the reason I have opted to never have kids. I have already raised enough children and made enough sacrifices in the process. There is no way I am doing that again.
Assumption
can't speak for her but it's definitely the reason i'm not having kids.
The canceled vacation story got me thinking about my son and his family. If their children misbehaved, one or both parents would end the vacation. I would stay out of it because I don't want to undermine the parents. The other grandparents would do the same. Then I realized my grandchildren wouldn't behave like that in the first place (generally, still maturing). RSlash summed it up well. BTW my son's in-laws are awesome. Edited for spelling
Story 1, parentification is abuse, but there is also a sad reality that it sounds like OPs sisters parentification was unavoidable. Finacial hardships are devastating to families and OP was sheltered from those hardships by two hard working parents and a loving sister. Good on this big sister, and shame on OP. You are an adult now I guarentee you can see what she did for you and your brother now.
Also OP is talking about inheritance, the thing you get after someone freaking DIES
calm down and be grateful you dont have your inheritance yet and can instead enjoy time with your parents while they are alive. Entitled, whiney brat.
Inheritance is about saying “I love you and thank you for all you’ve done for me” it’s not about the money
NTA. Fairness and Equity aren't the same thing. Sister is already set up, she'd done well in life AND gotten a head start. Younger, less time to have a career, less time to near money, less time to pay off a mortgage, youngest is by default the most disadvantaged. OP is having a perfectly reasonable reaction to the bias for the sister. Giving the sister extra is not logical
@@shykorustotoraThe boys also got an entire childhood. Parentification is abuse. And you writing the exact same comment over and over and over again doesn't make you right. The sister is well set up in life because she worked hard. Well taken care of her brothers. There was no reason they couldn't have done the same. There's no reason they couldn't have waited and have children until they were more set up. You making poor financial and poor life decisions when your sister who was abused didn't doesn't make you entitled to more money. The parents can give the money to whoever they want however they want. Maybe don't think you're entitled to your parents money. Honestly, if my kids act like that I would give them just enough so they couldn't sue the will and give the rest of the sister. Or better yet give it to a charity.
nobody is talking about the parents, 3/5 for parentification and favoritism
@@tysonwastaken oh yes, trying to make up for the fact that you ripped away somebody's childhood and parentifying them. Every doctor, every child psychologist agrees it is a form of child abuse is absolutely favoritism.🙄
Story 1 - ‘We were easy kids all she had to do was feed us…’ I don’t think you and your sister remember your childhood the same way. Good for the parents on this one for understanding that they put a lot on your sister at a young age.
In all honesty we don't know the situation, we don't know how easy or hard they were, as far as I saw we didn't actually see the ages of all the people involved. Any asshole score here for the kids would be missing valuable information, the parents however we have 3 things showing their assholes, the neglect, the fact the only way they can think to make up for a problem is by throwing money at it, and the fact they told their kids what the will entailed and let slip they were favoring one person over the others which will just breed resentment, the smartest thing to do if they for some reason just had to share the will would have been to just tell the sister
5:40 stop it right there! I hope your daughter doesn’t do some really hard stuff when she’s in high school because this is gonna bite you back!
Second story: NTA. Grandma spoils them, but OP set a clear boundary and the 9 and 8 y/o disrespected it.
And they cry to guilt OP instead of behaving and trying to prove her wrong. If everything continues to run the course as it is, I see OP leaving husband and taking daughter with her. Soon I see the sons branching out and bully their sister too.
Story 2: The Vacation
"having one strict parent is enough to make kids behave"
Not when the other parent is ACTIVELY AGAINST their attempts to be strict like the Husband does to OP. All that does is make OP the bad guy and encourage the kids to do what they want knowing that the other parent will bail them out. Doubly so when their enabling is enforced by a third party who has a habit of also defending the bad behavior (Grandma thinks they can do no wrong).
This was an awful take. 3/5 BH score for R/Slash.
First story: I started being left alone with my sisters when I was only about 5 years old. I started watching them for longer periods of time the older I got and by high school I was doing a decent amount of the grocery shopping, meal planning, and I was even solely responsible for getting my one sister to newspaper club every morning (in SPITE of the fact that I also had CNA clinicals first thing in the morning plus college courses that year). This is on top of the fact that I had jobs (both with the family and outside of it) from the age of 13.
I do NOT agree with rSlash's assessment of this situation. Yes, parentification is abuse, but SO IS CHILD NEGLECT. What, the other kids don't have a right to feel forgotten/left out when that sounds like it's literally been their whole childhood? Most kids who are neglected in this way don't even start to realize the full extent of the damage it does until they get some real therapy/talk to friends whose parents actually raised them themselves. And as to the "it's their money"? Then put what you want in the will, write letters explaining why and that the sister had zero part in the decision, then leave it until after you die. Don't invite your kids in on a conversation, ask them to agree to be okay with getting less yet again, and then act all surprised Pikachu when they're upset. If you're not going to respect a no, then don't ask for a yes.
This is probably a moot point because my parents don't really have shit to leave us but I can't imagine saying that I somehow deserve more than my sisters do. Hell, they have already gotten more than I have in many ways and I'm just happy that they're doing well. Fact is they did NOT benefit from having me look after them so often growing up. I am not a terribly patient person and that was even more true as a child. They are the ones who had to deal with the absolute terror that is your couple years older sister being in charge. Our mom basically taught me everything like cooking/cleaning/ect, and then expected me to teach them. Needless to say they couldn't even boil hot dogs before they moved out and taught themselves. As crappy as it is to be treated as a parent when you're a child I can only imagine it's even crappier to have your mom leave the raising of you almost completely to another child.
Edit: I grammar real good lol
RSlash felt extra harsh today. I think he needs a nap, a cozy blanket, and maybe another vacation.
Story 1: why does OP's sister not having kids matter? Why are people without kids supposed to sacrifice things because they're "not a family"
Where is all that money she's going to inherit going to go when she herself dies? I'm not saying it's anyone's business what she does with the money: she could save it all or spend it all on herself. I'm just saying she can't take it with her when she dies.
@@VicGeorge2K6She could donate it to charity. And what she does with her money is really none of her brother's business. The fact that she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she owes her brother money because he does. Your childless relatives are not your ATM, your free babysitters or inheritance machines for your children. There's a subreddit for people who think like that and I think it's starts with an e and also has another word that starts with p
@@LLandS18no except when she earns more money and has no children which means she spends most likely way less vs the brothers who are getting 50% split so each brother is only getting about 16% with a already low income and kids
@@VicGeorge2K6Well, it's not like she's not gonna spend it, lol. That's the point of money.
@@Nameless01153Why would her making more and have no kids means she spends less? A lot of people who make more, spend more bc they can afford it.
It's clear that dad and grandma spoils the kids and any discipline from the mom goes down the drain. She should've just asked them to leave and she took that vacation for herself.
As a slightly experienced parent of over a decade... I'm putting my bets on the Grandma and the Dad doing the spoiling and OP letting it happen for so long makes her an accomplice to the deed.
I doubt it it sounds like she feels powerless in the situation
Yea.. no
@@TheJello of course it sounds like that. But look at their initial reactions to her threats of leaving. They didn't take her seriously. Why would you think that they reacted like that unless she constantly caved and let them have their way?
@@anime-mun Yeah it’s probably her first time because the dad and grandmother probably always spoil the kids so she feels like she doesn’t have a voice.
@@TheJello in any case she still holds responsibility for letting such things get so out of hand.
Here's my take on the one about the graduation party. A single quote I just came up with: "Don't tell me to act like the bigger person if I'm not going to be treated like the bigger person."
Rslash is right. That’s exactly what im thinking. I can almost guarantee that op tries to enforce rules, but her husband and mom undermine her.
When a kid can’t get their way with one parent, they’ll go to the other
Then go to grandparents when both parents won’t budge
@4:32 "Cancelled Vacation"
The Father constantly undermining the Mother is a huge problem. That means those kids always push, or break, boundaries because they know Dad will let it slide.
Hay OP, spare the rod and spoil the child. Sounds like you need to be a hard ass with everyone, INCLUDING YOUR HUSBAND. If not when your kids are heading into deep puberty you will find you are too late.
I know you have a child, but she's still young and is only one child. Other than yours, it's clear you have little to no experience with kids. EVERYTHING you said was wrong. Literally, not figuratively, it was all wrong.
There were just so many examples of trauma in regards to children in this video.
I had never heard the term trauma dumping before yet describes my experience so clearly and concisely. Thank you Rslash for all your wisdom in regards to mental health and trauma particularly in regards to children. You nailed it in each example.
The last story is incredibly upsetting. Who brings their 5 year old grandson to a GRAVE?! You're supposed to treat your grandkid better than your kid, and this is what you choose to do?!
I have a sister who drowned on her 6th birthday about 3 years before I was born (I'm 35). Are you suggesting that my parents should never have told me this? My niece (who is now 21) is named after my sister who drowned. Are you suggesting that it was some kind of abuse? Was it abuse to tell my niece that she was named after deceased aunt? I feel attacked by rslash's ruling in that story. I don't see how telling children about their deceased relatives and taking them to see their graves is inherently abusive regardless of context. It might be abusive the way OP's mom is doing it, but I don't think it's abusive in and of itself.
@@uselessinformation1988 As I said in my comment, taking a 5 year old to a grave the same way she constantly dragged her daughter to that grave year after year is absolutely abusive. Forcing her child's life to be about nothing but a sibling she lost before she was even born, including giving a favored toy to a tombstone, is absolutely abusive. You can celebrate life without overwhelming your child (and grandchild) with someone else's grief.
@@uselessinformation1988and once again an idiot speaks
@@GBunnyG I get it now. OP's mom was overwhelming her and her child.
“Aita for telling my mom to f*go off and slamming door in her face” is good
YTA for completely acting like your sister’s sacrifice wasn’t worth anything
NTA because fairness and equity aren't the same thing
And pretty much also so that he and his brothers have no respect for the parents wishes and will act like entitled brats when they pass instead of mourn together and support each other. Nope! OP and brothers will act like vultures !
@@shykorustotorayeah but it's not their money. It's their parents money. They can split it however they want. And I bet you money. The parentification of the sister was a lot worse than OP's making it out to be. So if the parents want to give the sister 90% and then 10% so they can't see the will. Guess what? That's the parent's rights. And you're the one wanting to go about fairness and equity. The parents don't have to be fair or equitable. Grow up. Your parents don't owe you an inheritance.
@@LLandS18it’s not like op or his brothers asked her to watch them she probably didn’t even want to so op NTA but the parents YTA
@@LLandS18 Yes, they can split it however they want, however unfairly that want. That's the issue. They're not being fair in the sense of it being equity. The sister is set up, she's fine. She doesn't need additional support at this stage in her life, the other three do though. There's a reason OP brought up the fact she has a good job, dual income AND she's childless, implying they don't have the same situation. As a result, it makes no sense at this stage in life, to give your most handicapped children the least support. That's just nasty and cruel and if anything, give the AH score to the parents. How bout instead of you growing up, grow a half decent sized logical brain
3:54 OP is definitely not the problem in the vacation story. If the husband and mother are undermining her, and the husband doing so in front of the kids…it’s likely a pattern. So if the father is repeatedly giving them what they want, and showing them that her voice is not to be respected, they will do what they want and not respect her. It’s borderline abusive. Parenting should be a united front. It’s not her fault that her husband isn’t on board.
Dad should have stayed home with the boys and op & daughter had a mother daughter weekend. The daughter deserves that for having to deal with her brothers. Ypu weren't too harsh here. Its both parents fault for the boys' behavior getting that bad. Though it spunds like dad and mil are doing a lot of undermining of op where the boys are concerned. Family thereapy is definitely needed here.
Actually op isn’t at fault here but her husband is
Fourth story:You are forgot that step father is A TEACHER, A freaking TEACHER. That make it much worse.
This guy should get investigation about conduct himself around kid
Story 2: Yeah, everyone was being way too lax on the kids, and it resulted in the vacation in shambles because of unruly kids. OP and her husband need to step up further and actually make sure those kids stop being nuisances if they want a full vacation. A few punishments will go a long way (no physical harm though)
Now of course we don't fully know who is responsible for spoiling them, but still, OP and her husband both gotta do better
Actually op wasn’t really being too lax on the kids . Also the husband and the grandma undermined op
No, not OP. OP is the only one discipling the kids and the failure of a father along with the grandmother are undermining she does.
"Be the bigger person" ="lie flatter, doormat, so we won't be uncomfortable "
Hard disagree with the second rating. If anything it’s the dad and grandmother spoiling the kids while OP is doing her best here. Feels like r/slash being a parent is influencing his decisions again. You can be a very good parent and do your best and still end up having shitty kids
rSlash, wtf are you thinking? OP can't be the AH if they aren't the reason the kid are acting that way, which you acknowledge, I can tell you that having 1 strict parent does not do what you think.
First Story, YTA: What their parents do what their money is OP's parent's choice. Besides, OP should be grateful he is getting anything at all because this level of ungratefulness often leads to that person getting nothing instead of something. Its hilarious how OP said that all his sister did was watch and feed him and their brothers is hilarious because that's not all that it takes to babysit or be a parent to ur siblings. OP's sister sacrificed her childhood to help her parents get out of the debt they were in so I think the splitting is fair
Second Story, NTA: The kids' behavior (mainly the boys) are the result of lack of discipline and consequences for their actions. Keep in mind, OP and her family were in a rental home and the boys dirtied up a couch, threw chalk in the pool, and overall misbehaved. Then the misbehaving continued throughout the entire day. OP's husband is straight up an enabler and OP was in the right to put her food down. I have to disagree with Rslash, I think it is only OP's husband. Where did I hear OP was being spoiled? OP WAS trying to discipline but he got undermined by her mother/MIL (don’t know the relation) and her husband. OP didn’t want to take them on the vacation due to previous misbehavior but OP's husband did it anyway. It sounds like OP is trying to enforce discipline but gets shut down by her husband and MIL/mother
Third Story, NTA: What? They are mad because OP used their own money at the lounge? It's not OP's fault that they assumed the airport lounge would be a waste of money. Like OP said, they have the internet as well and could’ve looked up the info
Fourth Story, NTA: It 100% is the step-father's fault. Why was he giving unsolicited advise about an autistic kid in the first place? That's the thing about unsolicited anything: it's not wanted
Fifth Story, NTA: I get miscarriages are tragic and horrible but dumping all of that on a (then) child OP and now OP's 5 year old son is wildly inappropriate. Her forcing OP to give her favorite stuffed animal to the grave of it is wrong
I agree. OP and his brothers are AHs. Especially since he’s playing victim even after his sister old him she won’t take the extra share.
Story two: sounds like OPs mom and spouse have the outdated “boys will be boys” mentality which is going to ruin them in the long run. Discipline and consistency with this was needed ages ago.
Last story: others commented that OP posted an update. Basically the commenters informed her that her mother’s actions aren’t healthy nor normal. OP has decided to go low contact with her mother. If son ever informs OP that her mom brings up the miscarriage or drags him back to the grave, they will go completely no contact.
i disagree with the first one. OP was probably too young to realize how much his sister did for him, so it's okay for him to not know what he doesn't know.
I do agree that it's the parents rights, but we're they right?
There's too little information on story 1 to know for sure.
@@CinnamonRubystill though, OP isn’t entitled to anything unless his parents give it to him. At the end of the day, what they do with their money and assets is what they do
Literally just repeated rslashes words… legit couldn’t even add 2 thoughts of your own 🤣
@@CinnamonRubyummm op is a grown ass man with kids, he knows what goes into raising kids, he’s not a child anymore therefore that’s no excuse.
I rlly don’t understand how rSlash can think that the behaviour of the children is *always* the parent’s fault. You can be the bestest parent ever, and still have children grow up to be assholes simply because that’s who they are. No, the world doesn’t naturally abide by strict rules like “it’s always the parent’s fault of the children are misbehaving” or “one strict parent is enough to get children to behave.” Children are unpredictable and the mom was trying while having her husband and grandma constantly undermine her efforts it sounds like.
Last story: Not the same, but I had an aunt that passed away before I was alive. She passed away by her own means, but I was introduced to her at about 13. Not 5, so OP is NTA.
Second Story: That's the dumbest take I've ever heard. As a former chronic misbehaving kid, I can guarantee you that it's abso-friggin'-lutely the kid's fault.
Sadly that trauma dumping is real. My mom would often tell my sister stories about when she was living with my grandma and how it wasn’t the best life. Telling stories about our birth and going on about more stuff that I felt like we didn’t need to hear
Def wrong in the second story. If you have one parent trying to discipline, and another who says the boys shouldn't have any consequences, the two kids are obviously going to side with the dad, and then there isn't really any way to exact punishment after that. Considering the moms first response was to lay out an ultimatum, she may have known that there was no other way to actually discipline the kids with the father and grandmother there. 0/5 for the mom, at least 2/5 for the dad and grandma for trying to gaslight the mom into thinking she did something wrong. Oh, and 3/5 for the two boys, they are being absolute monsters. 8 and 9 is more than old enough to know how to behave when told. I would expect that kind of behavior from the three year old, and it says something when the toddler acted better than either of her siblings, her dad, or her grandmother.
Wtf. In the second story OP IS THE ONLY ONE TRYIN TO WRANGLE THE KIDS. In the context of this story LITERALLY the husband keeps undermining her as well as the gram. She may not be doing the best job but with the information we have shes the only one doing ANYTHING. She doesn't deserve the harshest score at all.
Umm, she didn’t get the harshest score. Her husband and mother did. Listen to the story again.
Kids: 1/5
OP: 2/5
Mom/hubby: 3/5
@@scpfoundation8376 She shouldn't have gotten ANY score.
the second story sounds like the grandmother and father are the permissive adults who are letting the kids get away with crap, not op.
Story 1: honestly, props to the parents for realizing what they did was wrong and doing what they could to try and make up for it.
Story 2: I feel like mom deserves less of a butthole score, but does deserve some.
Story 3: the real question: its a friend vacation. Ditching them and not giving them the heads up is pretty questionable at best.
Story 5: WTAF. Mom needs therapy. Keep her away from your kid.
Step dad: "Step mom was being just as bad as me."
He's a teacher, all right. That's the standard attitude toward bullying victims in schools.
R/slash becomes a father for literally only a yr and thinks he knows everything about parenting. Bro why we punishing the only parent who seems to be trying. I'd love r/slash to step into the shoes of half the people he gives these scores to just to see how he does.
Isn't that the truth, thinks he's a know-it-all because he covers reddit posts in a video when it clearly shows he's about as clueless as someone reading a map upside down
@detectivebones671 I generally agree with a lot of his takes but lately he's had some wild takes like we didn't read the same story
@@nexasmerideus9760 Every judgement gets you closer to God... or an God complex~
Being judgemental and having a superiosity complex go hand in hand...
rSlash is kinda losing himself by judging others~
And everytime he judges someone as inferior he thinks of himself as even more superior!
6:26 that’s not highly likely
6:52 let’s be honest, she tried they won’t listen! She’s not a magician! Dad says something to them after she leaves!
For the 1st OP, he is so selfish that he does see that his sister sacrificed so much, and the parents are trying to pay back for their fault in not being the parent. I've been in her shoes, and it causes so many mental issues as an adult.
Right? It's so typical, though, right down to the "we were easy to take care of." I guarantee it was not as easy as OP thought it was.
Why not pay them back now though? If what she did was so much, why are they waiting potentially decades to help someone who's already doing fine? And then leaving the kids who aren't as well off and giving them scraps? What kind of fked up parenting is this? Give the person winning the race a bottle of water and the people coming last metal boots? Fk that
@@tully6648 You guarantee do you? Based on what? Gimme a break. If you aren't prepared to trust his word he was easy to take care of, you can't trust his word that his sister had to "sacrifice" anything at all
Rememeber the boys didn't choose A) that their sister should be parentified and B) to be born. This is a case of the Parents are Aholes, for parentifieing their daughter and then having more kids while in debt.
@@tully6648 so you belive him only when it's convenient to you, nice to know.
OP in the second story. Yeah she's probably not being as strict as she should be as a parent. The husband almost seems to be an absent parent. Just in the "whatever" kind. The mother/grandma seems like the one that spoils them the most.
First story: I went through THIRTY YEARS OF PARENTIFICATION ABUSE and im 38! She more than earned that money.
When my parents die, my siblings will use their inheritances to probably go on a holiday before coming home to their already paid off houses. I'll be kicked out of where I live and have to find a place to rent, all because my parents decided to have a massive gap between having my other siblings and me. NTA
@@shykorustotora Brav, you're 31 years old already, at least in the context of this story. It's not the sisters or the parents' fault that you will be less well off because of the choices YOU made. Maybe, if you were also child free you wouldn't be whining like you do right now! Damn!
Last story. Mom need to get therapy. She loves her dead child more than her living daughter and grandchildren. The living can't never trumpet the dead in mom's views. She can do this privately and not force people to grieve with her.
*First OP:* OP's sister sacrificed her childhood and adolescence to look after OP and his brothers. She might not _need_ the money, but it's the principle of the matter. OP is TA.
*Fourth OP:* Why should OP be the bigger person when their stepfather started the fight by giving unsolicited advice regarding OP's stepmom's daughter? OP is NTA.
*Fifth OP:* Yeah, OP should cut contact from her "mom" and everyone who agrees with her. A five-year-old has no business knowing about miscarriages. OP is NTA.
I disagree with the mom's score. She deserves the full 5/5 Bus.
you talk as if the boys chose to be conceived? as if they wanted her to be parentified! what an ass you're being
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope The person who keeps throwing it in the face of their father about the ruined graduation party is not the butthole and does not need to "be the bigger person"
Forgiveness lies entirely with the person who has been hurt. Nobody except for the person who was the grievanced party has any right to decide when or if the person who caused the issue deserves forgiveness.
To tell a person that they need to be the bigger person is telling them that the person who hurt them is fully allowed to get away with being hurtful because they are the smaller person and that it's better to forgive that sort of action. It's wrong and people need to learn that
Bro wtf how are you gonna call the dad from yesterday's story selfish for not wanting to give up 10k of HIS money on a wedding but then call this kid a jerk because his inheritance is split unfairly
Graduation party story, OP should stay mad at him until he takes responsibility and realizes he ruined the party because he couldn't just be quiet for a couple hours and nod politely at people.
So he’ll be mad for the rest of his life. Believe I’m not suggesting OP let it go. I’m implying he should really make stepdad suffer.
Second story - my mom used to cancel vacations for reasons like this. It definitely affected us kids in the long run.
You made them. You raised them.
husband keeps overruling her
@@GiordanDiodato exactly
@@GiordanDiodato that’s for the parents to deal with, not the kids. It’s not their fault they weren’t raised consistently or well.
@@1bendykat but it’s their fault for ruining the trip
@KadeStringer2.0 then it's the husband's fualt. You can't effectively parent if you're not a united front. Not setting rules and following with consequences is horrible parenting.
Well I do kind of agree with you a bit on that second story, just because you have any type of structure in a family doesn't mean that a kid won't become a brat. I mean, both of my parents were pretty strict with me, and I was still being a brat a lot of the time.
You also have to consider the balance equation. If OP is the only one that's doing any type of enforcing, but you have the grandmother and the father both spoiling them, it will undermine anything that the mother does because they'll just think "Grandma or daddy will make it better."
And that's not even getting into the fact of genetics. It's like they say, one kid can be raised in a perfectly loving and caring household, but then end up becoming an evil person because it's in their own personal nature. Some kids are also born to be brats no matter what.
The problem with "respect your elders" is that it basically lets older people continue to act like entitled buttholes without any repercussions. Being an older person means that you should know better and you should act like the bigger person in any situation, NOT expect the younger generations to do the job you fail to do yourself. Also, OP's husband in the second story sounds like an enabler who doesn't want anybody to discipline his boys basically because of the "boys will be boys" mentality that lets them grow up to be promoters of toxic masculinity. OP herself is NTA.
And OPs mom saying she should cherish these moments because they grow up fast. Lady get your head out of the clouds! The grandsons are acting like brats and need to learn early on not to act out or else they will get more unmanageable with age. Grandma also likely feels that her parenting is over and grandmas only need to spoil grandkids. Also proof she needs to get her head out of the clouds.
The story with the stepparents. The Stepmom was literally defending herself and her child against a verbal attack. I don't care who the attacker is, she has every right to defend herself. That stepfather is a complete AH and deserves a 5/5 score for verbally attacking a disabled child. OP is absolutely not the AH.
I say this as a parentified oldest sibling but the ones in the first story who are the AH are the parents. First, they punish the oldest for being the oldest and making her watch the kids. Now they're punishing the younger child for having been born pretty much. OP and the siblings are also sort of AH for the way they said everything but their feelings of being seen as less than because their parents are trying to buy forgiveness are understandable. The worse part about this whole situation is the sister didn't even want it. If the parents had talked with her privately, they would have known that. They could have avoided all the hurt feelings but in the end it's all about what's best for the parents. Honestly after typing all this out, I'd be surprised if the parents had anything to inherit in the end because they'll probably f*ck that up somehow too.
They had to work so the family could have enough to live on, what else could they have done? It's not about punishing, but surviving.
Rslash jumping through some logic hoops on the vacation story
6:04 this is a stupid take R/, im ngl. unless your advocating to go back to beating kids with bricks for acting up, what else is she supposed to do?
First time reading this and my brain went you throw bricks at your kid not beat them with it and I was thinking of all the stuff thrown at me like brushes ashtrays steel toe boots glass mugs and even a frozen chicken but no brick. I seriously doubt violence would work didn't on me and my brother.😂
8:35 what Rslash said didnt make sense. Also what is it with people and the internet? Its not like you can even use the internet when youre traveling anyway, itll waste your data plan. Just talk like normal human beings. If you're actually their friend why WOULDN'T you explain the benefits directly. WHO CARES ABOUT THE INTERNET. Nothing is more important than being a human being and talking to people directly. Youre not babies. Secondly, it doesn't make sense what Rslash said because the friends DID explain why they mistakenly thought what they thought. They said its more expensive and theres no benefits. OP clearly knew they had missing information and didnt immediately inform them otherwise. Thats sneaky and underhanded. Thats the minor stuff narcissists and sociopaths do. Their actions arent always glory and extremely scary, they do minor things like this too. So no, i dont agree with Rslash basically upholding this kind of behavior. Its just not what friends do.
Rslash has his wife in the room for story 1 again he's giving a very misandristic view of OP
Whoa whoa whoa, I think everyone should consider another angle on story one. Those parents seem to like pitting their children against each other. When op is upset, they are disappointed in him and think he needs to reflect on himself, but did they bother to reflect themselves? Their attempt to make things up to the sister for her "sacrifice" comes after they are dead, and isn't as useful now that she has it made. She didn't sacrifice, she was sacrificed. Op is still a jerk, but he is being manipulated into it by the parents, as telling them now is just stirring up drama.
Story 1: You and your brothers are ungrateful a-holes, and how dare you underplay your sister's sacrifice to the family just because you want more money. You have no idea what it's like to have to give up having all the fun of being a child/ teenager so your sibling don't have to. Your parents understand how much they asked of her and wanted to show her that they cared and appreciated it, but apparently the 3 boys she did it for are so damn greedy, selfish and stupid they refuse to. And her financial status has nothing to do with it, apologize and thank her, NOW!
I would probatly feel the same in that situation and I would say you know what you cna have my aprt as wel clearly i dont mather as much. honestly the story is wya more complicated because clearly there is golden child syndrome as well. surely its their right its their money even if they would burn it thats their choice. however to me this seems a lot like golden child syndrome instead. its not even about the money probatly more about blatant favorotism
@@wowgek7 gold child syndrome?!?!?!?! u must not be the oldest child in a poor family. she basically became a 3rd parent for her brothers becuz her parents had to work and make money to keep the family afloat. i'm happy that she actually has parents that acknlowedge such sacrifice as many a times parents dont and take it as a "becuz ur the oldest and a girl you must become ur siblings second mother eventho u urself are a child and should be allowed to have a normal childhood" if u really feel this way u need to re-evaluate urself and ur values.
NTA. Fairness and Equity aren't the same thing. Sister is already set up, she'd done well in life AND gotten a head start. Younger, less time to have a career, less time to near money, less time to pay off a mortgage, youngest is by default the most disadvantaged. Giving the sister extra is backwards
@@shykorustotoraYour comment is wrong in so many ways. Let me list them.
1. First of all, fairness and equity literally are the same thing lol. Look it up, equity means the state of being fair. The word you're looking for is equality, where everyone gets the same amount. Equity would imply everyone gets their respective in based on their financial situations. Neither of which necessarily happened so that "equity" point is absolutely irrelevant.
2. paying someone extra for taking care of your responsibilities when you couldn't is warranted and justified, especially when said person was a minor herself. Parentification is a type of child abu5e, no matter how hard OP and you try to undermine that fact, it's still a very harsh responsibility. Could you take care of 3 kids by yourself as a minor with very little financial support from your parents to do so due to their lack of money? I didn't think so.
3. The youngest is a man in his 30s. It's not his mommy and daddy's responsibility to give him money because he needed it more. He could work for it. Besides, it's not like he's not receiving any money. He's getting the same amount as his brothers. OP is just overly entitled.
4. Back to your equity point. You mention that this isn't fair because the youngest has the most disadvantages, including how the sister didn't want kids. did you ever stop to think that she doesn't want kids because she was forced to be a parent when she was young and suffered so much from it that it turns her away from kids altogether? By all means she could have kids if she wanted to. She's apparently very well off and has a partner. And OP seems to be a very unreliable narrator. If anything, he could've been lying about being so well behaved. I'd believe it if the kids were all super hard to take care of, considering they're all in their thirties and throwing temper tantrums over inheritance. So considering that, it would make sense that the parents would be more sympathetic for not only putting her through a form of child @bu5e, but it still having a toll on her 20/30 years later. She babysat for free and now the parents give her the payment she deserves and you think because the youngest has less finances he's owed their money? Christ. I pray you nor a sibling of yours has to go through what OPs sister went through.
@@wowgek7 A person whose childhood was stolen from them is a golden child and/or favourite. Got it.
Aww, the kids misbehaved and were punished? So sad! Actions have consequences? Aww, so sad! Maybe, next time the kids misbehaved, OP should send them straight to grandma and let HER deal with it! That way, SHE can see what it's like to put up with the kids.
First story-it isn't the kids fault that their parents were struggling. The boys lost a part of their childhood too by losing a sister and gaining another parent. They're well within their rights to be upset.
The mom in the second story really isn't a bad guy. She laid out boundaries and they were ignored.
Hey, I absolutely love the fact that we can have a discussion in your comment section, really appreciate you and your content.
That being said, I wholeheartedly have to disagree with your statement: "even just having 1 strict parent, is enough to get kids under control". This is unfortunately not the case, atleast not without a support system in the house itself.
From the story of the 2nd OP, you can clearly read that they alone discipline their children, while the dad sits and mopes. Even going so far as to give the OP the silent treatment, showing the kids:" see, this is all moms fault, I wanted you guys to stay" causing the OP to question if disciplining their children was correct.
My question than becomes, how many times has this happened before, that OP disciplines their child/children only to not be supported and feel like doing wrong. And thus going back on the punishment.
She conveyed her worries to her husband, they got there, kids let loose and she told her husband once more and he dismissed her. So I do not see how this could be on her, I don't see how she is TA.
The behaviour is on the Father and Grandma. Those kids get a no and a yes everytime, and kids listen more often to the Yes parent, until even they start to say no, and then you have kids who don't listen. And watch how fast the Yes parent will blame the other parent for this behaviour.
But so far my opinion on this matter. Thank you again for making this a safe space to discuss and agree/disagree