7 Unintentional Things You're Doing to Make People Ignore You
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
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Do you often feel like people zone out or seem completely uninterested in what you're saying? Do you often feel like you're not really being listened to? Are you confused why people ignore you so much? But what if it's because of something you may be doing? Having good and healthy relationships where we feel valued, seen and heard does contribute a great deal to our happiness, but when we're being ignored too much it has both a negative impact on our relationships, and on how we think and feel about ourselves. This is particularly true if you are not aware of why people seem to be ignoring you. In this talk I share with you 7 things you might be doing, without realizing you're doing them, that are causing people to ignore you.
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#beingignored #selfesteem #healthyrelationships
At times when u give the people a piece of your mind, they may hate u
I notice myself not talking about myself in fear of saying something offensive or boring. I also tend to overthink and overplan what I want to say. Sometimes I wonder if my perfect grammar drives people away 🤔. Anyway, thanks for pointing this out so we can be mindful of what and how we say things.
So stop trying with people because I’m just gonna get ignored. Got it!
I kinda just gave up and took myself on a 3 day get away. Be the listener. People like that
Unhealed attachment wounds and insecure attachment, developmental trauma (C-PTSD), and neurodivergence (ADHD, ASD spectrum and other disorders) often are at the source of social anxiety, rejection sensitivity, conversational narcissism, poor communication skills, and social awkwardness. Often, trying to change behavior without addressing causes can cause further problems.
well said, I am autistic and ADHD, very insecure attachment and while they say it's not trauma as a diagnosis it's definitely those type of mechanisms in play. I'm actually surprised it does not quality for Complex PTSD, as it is long-term wounds based on negative relational experiences. But hey, if they say it's not. The argument is the trauma needs to be specific to qualify for PTSD, but to my understanding C-PTSD is not about specific events it's about long term negative experiences, which I've had most my life. Maybe I don't understand it well enough. As I've been to therapy off and on for 15 years I can attest to what you say and have also said myself that not finding the root cause will just mean constant setbacks, going back to therapy (case in point) over and over, giving the wrong help or not the complete help needed, like a bandage on a wound. This is bad for everyone, for the individual and more work for the people treating them again and again. And yes, can cause more problems with time as things get worse, only symptoms being reduced temporarily here and there with therapy / medication. I still don't understand why they can't see big picture, or can they, but can't afford the resources for holistic treatment? I try not to be too critical but at the same time there's a deep cost for people like me when the system does not work properly.
As neurodivergent you also get a lot of misunderstandings as they do not see it through that lens, not understand the WHY of your symptoms and tell you things that are harmful. One professional told me basically "we've tried to do something about your problems for years, you should be fine already". That was the boss at the mental health facility where I've been going back and forth for 15 years. So they denied me treatment. But after several complaint letters they let me in again, and now we've found even more stuff that was never uncovered because they never looked that deep. They always only worked on symptoms. Depression was first, got a lot of CBT. Even when I did get my ASD we worked on that specific diagnosis, not the underlying trauma. However my current professional is a neurologist as well, so he has a better understanding of it, and we're also working through trauma or what you want to call it that has come as a result of me being neurodivergent. It's mostly talk and exploring feelings about it, but no diagnosis for trauma or trauma specific treatment, so I'm worried I'll keep living with the same issues when this treatment is finished. It does help, but I feel the wounds are part of my body almost, and I don't know if I can move on entirely even after this.
The last point truly hit the nail on the head for me. I just started a new job and I just keep feeling like I’m not building the connections I want at several weeks in and I’m fading into the background every day bc I feel like no one is really seeing me. And I catch myself everyday not being real and authentic bc I have issues with stuttering & over editing what I say. I’m so glad i can start being mindful with it. Thank you!
I don't think you should ignore something just because it "isn't relevant to you", it's really about empathy and seeing the other person, showing an interest. Who knows you might learn something, or at least you can still listen even if it isn't interesting to you. I always pay people that respect even if I don't care or understand one bit. I might ask questions to get a better idea, even if not the details just generally what are they trying to convey. Say someone talks about C++, I might say "So does that excite you? What about it do you like?", I don't need to understand the computer stuff.
I say this also because it's very disheartening to be the one who listens even when not interested, while others just glaze over when I talk and they're not interested. It seems unfair, why should I listen then? That's a logical question. You can say "you don't have to, that's your choice" but let's take the factual standpoint that I do happen to listen, and is it fair in the sense that I should be OK with others not reciprocating, as this is what relationships are supposed to be. It makes one feel that people in your relationships don't really care about you. I listen because I care for the person, not necessarily the topic, that's rare as I differ very in interests from most people around me. I can stop listening too, and they wouldn't like that I'm sure. Well to be honest they just keep talking, I've tried it just to observe what effects that would have, and maybe "show them how it feels". Weird they just keep going.
Personally if someone does not listen to me as I talk, I feel invisible and rejected, and that will make me stop talking as I don't want to keep feeling that. I also find it awkward as that will be like talking to air, if there is no receiver for my message. And just picking up on others not listening to me it seems like a hint to stop talking. Others however don't seem to mind. Makes me think they just need to talk aloud, and they don't need engagement. That makes it seem as if I'm not important, even when listening, like I could be anyone to them as long as they can talk. Me personally I need a bit feedback to show they're receiving what I'm sharing, or else what is the point of talking. That requires the other person engages to some degree, some indicators that they're paying attention, interested, care. Anyway.
I wanna hear discussion. I kinda see what they are saying but I also know what you say is true too. I’m interested to hear your thoughts.
@@heatherr1141 that is not her it is a bot, you can tell by the name
@@Dezzyyx can it hurt me and replied to it?
@@heatherr1141 I think if you reply to it you will start to see more bots in all comments you go, it happened to me.
1. You're talking too much about yourself 3:05
2. You're contributing too little to the conversation 4:30
3. Your communication is hard to follow 6:02
4. Your contributions aren't relevant 7:20
5. Others feel like you're overly critical 9:28
6. You complain too much 12:07
7. Others find it hard to connect to you 14:30
😊thank you
Thank you. Lordy. What's with the longggg intros nowadays.
I do this with my friend Nathan. I would always talk about my life and never ask about him and he has called me out on it. I felt so insensitive and I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I made sure that in our conversation i would share whats going on in ourselves. Thank you for the video Julia. I'm understanding what your saying on being ignored.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here!
I was really looking forward to this RUclips video since you mentioned it last week.
7 Unintentional Things You’re Doing to Make Others Ignore You.
I think overall, I do very well in these areas, however, maybe 4 is something that I struggle with. Not so much because I am doing anything wrong, just not connecting with people who share the same interest. Last night, I shared one of my best pieces of art with my dad. He barely looked at it or acknowledged it. It was a little hurtful, but oh well - I like my art and I am proud of the art I did. He may simply be into the arts like I am and that is okay. I wasn’t really seeking any external validation or praise of my art because I know I do a good job and I am happy and fulfilled by doing my art. There are other times where he did show some enthusiasm for my work and said it was good. He may also have his mind in another place right now.
I also want to be very mindful on 6. I know by being with certain family members that hearing complaints all the time is draining. Maybe some of that rubs off on me and I really want to be mindful of NOT complaining. It isn’t fun to be around negative people all the time. I try not to complain by writing in my journal more and not bringing up my problems or issues with others and be grateful that I do have LOTS of blessings in my life!
Here are my notes:
1. Talking too much about yourself (not showing interest in the other person) Let the other person speak.
2. Not contributing to the conversation (fear, scared of offending someone, not wanting it to be about us) Invite yourself into the conversation.
3. Communication is hard to follow (Too many irrelevant details or going off on a tangent.) Speak clear and concisely.
4. Conversation isn't relevant. (Topics that may not be relevant to people) Find a topic that can be relevant to you both.
5. Being overly critical. (Always looking for a problem or picking a part of what a person is doing and finding something wrong or negative to say) You can give constructive and supportive feedback if you are positive and encouraging.
6. Complaining too much. (It is stressful to be around people always complaining or others having too much of their own stuff going on) It is okay to express your problems or issues but be mindful of it.
7. Not offering too much to the conversation that others can't connect. (You edit too much and or too polished) Be raw, be real and be honest. Allows to be the same.
*Be a little more positive, be comfortable with yourself (not perfect), not always hiding or making excuses and show up with your authenticity, more of who you are without apology or excuses. *
Ignored? I usually feel invisible. Ignored would be an improvement.
I get that... me too!
I’m not ignoring you 👋🏻😊🇬🇧
I find it extremely disappointing that people can't just simply listen. We can't listen to someone if what they're saying isn't relevant to us? Are we that effing superior? Where's the humility? What about getting to know someone? What happened to learning new things about other people? What happened to tolerance of different interests? How can we actually know something is NOT relevant if we haven't bothered listening in the first place?
How can people be so selfish? I can't imagine just stopping listening to someone who's sharing with me (sharing should be respected, yes?) because what they're saying doesn't happen to be "relevant" to me and my agenda. Grrr...
Thank you for this. These are great points.
I feel a loving relationship wouldnt include ignoring someone. Itd be respectful if someone has a problem that they lovingly share it rather than ignore or ghost the person. It just feels unloving to ignore or abandon someone.
I hope whoever listens to this isnt going into self blame. Its great to learn from feedback and adjust but at the end of the day noone deserves to be ignored.
Excellent video, thank you so much!
I like how you tell me about myself in the most understanding and compassionate way so that I receive it with love. ❤ Thank you
Thank you... I really needed this.
Thank you for the great video Julia! I might be complaining one time too many . It happens. Im working on it. Some other points as well.
Not only am I ignored, I've noticed other, 'friends' saying directly contradictory to my two cents in a conversation, which IS NEW...to them.
Let it shut me down. Felt humiliated. Am supposed to... What? ... I'll start by listening to more. This stuff is very painful..thru all the ages/stages. Sending Peace 🕊️
Your video played automatically after another video I was watching, and I am so glad it did. Very helpful for me at this moment… Lots of work to do to improve my relationships… thanks!!
I think I'm an overthinker because of being put down by family growing up. And again marrying a woman who had too many issues ,and thus was quite narcissistic. So I can see traits in my life here. I appreciate the video
This is me and didn't realise THANK YOU
This hit home hard. I went to a friends house for a game night and dinner with like 5 other people and it was rough as I felt ignored and that people were avoiding me. Makes me feel extremely self conscious and sad so I think this video will really help me to do better. Thank you!
Great tips; relevance for others is important.
You are so right thank you for this. Very helpful insights ❤, It feels at some periods of time where interacting with others is too complicated, too overwhelming to get all this right, when you know you are damaged,...broken. Ironically, not getting this things balanced and right, perpetuate the feeling to isolate.
Thank you for your work and your videos. Your work has been so helpful on my healing journey. I hope that when I finish my psych degree, I can develop even just a fragment of your wisdom.
I admire the way you explain these things. You paint a full picture with your words. Not only I use the tips that you give I also use your words, sentence structures and examples as well. You are very articulate. My problem is articulation. I struggle with sharing the picture in my mind with people through words.
Thank you Julia. I love your video. I relate so much with what you’re saying. Your approach is awesome, very confronting but very caring and non-offensive. My goal is to be more authentic and more assertive. I struggle with both. I apologize so much and am an overthinker. I love that you understand what that entails. I wonder, have you dealt with these things yourself? I can’t wait to download your guide.
This will be added to my food for thought for the day. Thanks!!! I needed a wake up call
Why is a there always a response that says let’s discuss. It looks like from the author but I dont know it seems odd. I tried replying tii I’m if and it was weird the way I typed in it was letters over top each other. Hopefully it is not a hacker or something.
When you talk to others, make sure you validate them often and look for ways to emphathize with them.
Good delivery.
The times I’ve felt ignored is in the presence of a narcissist friend who used to exclude me or talk over me in conversation. And when I did pipe up and contribute an opinion or a fact, it would almost trigger her and spike her jealousy if attention was on me for a mere moment.
Also because of the narcissistic abuse, my self esteem and worth were diminished at times, and I felt ‘not good enough’ to receive any attention, it was all in the body language. So when I was ignored, intentionally or not, it just reinforced how I felt about myself and I’d become defensive, which is never charismatic or attractive. The one thing I had in my favour, is my witty humour and I could endear company (or use it as a weapon against narc who had no sense of humour 😉) and by doing that and being my authentic self and standing in my power, I learnt to hold space, contribute without hogging and make people smile. Now if I get ignored (by someone rude) I turn the tables and ignore them in an obvious manner and talk to others or change the direction of the conversation. Works most of the time. Thank you for the advice, some good takeaways.
If your friend is a true narcissist it may never really be worth it. Sad...but true. It's like running on a treadmill for hours, days, weeks, years and never getting anywhere. Do whatever you can to guard your energy and self respect. It can exhaust you so fast and you'll just be left holding their baggage. Gray Rock, boundaries, distance...no contact.
@@ct6852 thank you for replying. Im not qualified to diagnose her with NPD but she has strong narcissistic traits in my opinion (and a few others!) I have already applied all those techniques and can confirm they really do work. (Thank God!) I’m have distanced myself, set my boundaries and rediscovered my self esteem. I have virtually no contact with this person and I have to say life has never been so great. Thanks for your advice, it’s much appreciated.
Thanks, really enjoyed this video! My issue seems to be not contributing to the discussion, but then again often the discussions are irrelevant to me 😅 My wife often complains I don't say anything, so your tips are helpful.
Still here. Sometimes things fall apart, time flies putting them back together. Not very good at c++, but I do like glazed donuts occasionally. Cheers!
I don't feel i have anything to contribute in most conversations. Partially because people talk about things i have no interest in therefor no information on; TV Shows, Children, Religion, Sports, etc...
Julia! I absolutely love you and what you’re doing for the world! You have really helped me SO much and you are the best there is. Thank You for being you and doing your life’s mission to help others! 👍👍🙌🙌😀
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Maybe we all need to try to be a little less into ourselves.
Yep, nearly all of them.
LOL indeed it's C++ (plus-plus) but of course I'm one o'them geeks myself! :D
Your videos have so so much energy your videos are so so inspiring and informative you are thee best of the rest you are excellent and great so I solute to your greatness and how brilliant and wonderful you are xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx💋👄🫦🫦👄💋💋💋💋🌹🥰❤️💕 to the best ever person in the whole universe whom RUclips wouldn’t be the same without you 👌👌👌👌👌👌 your thee number one in my opinion xxxxxxxxxxx
onet thing i learnt in life and others have said the same thing, I DONT GIVE A SSSSSSSSSSST WHAT OTHERS THINK dont like me i dont care because there are lots of people i have no use for so those that are what i call friends are here because they see value in me, the rest i could care less because i am not going to be something i am not to be with fake phony persons who dont give a damn about anyone but themselves
“No use for?” Since when we’re people there to be used ? Everyone has something we can learn from. It’s your problem if you can’t see it in them. But with an attitude like that I’m sure the ones who do hang around still don’t have a deep connection with you.
I think I could work on all of them.
Depends on who ignores me. There are people I would love to see ignore me.
Good morning Julia ! Watching your video is in the AM is a great way for me to jump start my day🌈🌞! Thanks for the great video. We all can learn something from this. Their are a lot of people looking for someone to listen to them. Growing up as a people pleaser in my early years I have listened to a lot of people. I used to talk way too much when I was younger. I went into unnecessary facts. Probably boring to lots of people. I am always open to new concepts and ideas. Take care and have a great day❤.
there are a lot of people
Where is the link?
U can ignore me all u want in fact keep doing it
I don't think I get ignored so much in office conversations, but I do notice that I have a habit of making group conversations stop after I give me opinion. Not sure what it is, perhaps my opinions are absolute and indisputable 😅 Or my tone's wrong. I know I have the ability to make people smile or laugh, so I don't think it's a toxicity or dislike thing. Hmm. Or it's all in my head.
me too. There is a difference between exploring a view point and making one. Exploring a view point instigates thoughts on a matter... Making a a complete viewpoint on a matter is like it's a done deal for you. no need to talk about it. Unless there is someone in the group who likes controversy
None of them were the reasons i found in them OR me...
👍👍👍
Perhaps the people you are trying to engage with simply have the welcome sign out, but really are not welcoming you into their group.
I hope I repell u can apparently the feelings mutual
She blinks a lot.
Lol it’s C++. , not C+ 😂.
😂