The Hoffman process for healing traumas, Singer for the sould, ..Getting the love you want by Hunt and Hendrix is the est, explains all, Imago therapy, choosing partners based on childhood etc
There’s one book I read that said: The biggest misconception about love is that it comes naturally but the truth is to love is a skill. A skill that people put aside and don’t realize is a skill. As any other skill, we have to learn to be better at it.
Absolutely! It's like how my Dad who's had a thirty year marriage with my mom told me when I was in graduate school and bemoaning my love life- marriage, or even a long term relationship, is a full time job. Theoretically, you could go out and date anyone- but to have a long-term relationship involves just as much investment and time as work, even if you do get along spectacularly well. It's completely an investment.
Don’t really agree! Loving someone comes easily. True love starts with us. If we are capable of loving ourselves then we can love others with no effort. People that find it hard to fall in love is because they have a hard time loving themselves.
As some one who has made a shit load of mistakes in dating and is now married and happy in it, these are my tips. 1.Find a sustainable relationship. don't create unsustainable patterns in your relationship, if you are the kind of person who wakes up early to go to the gym everyday, don't sleep in with your partner everyday for the beginning of your relationship , they will be disappointed later when you stop doing that. They may even feel cheated because you turned out to be someone else altogether. 2. Marriage is the starting point of the relationship not the end goal. That ring means nothing if you can't keep it and it's not an achievement if your partner has proposed. An achievement is making that proposal count.
I think most people don't know themselves. In other words, they don't have a relationship with themselves - so they end up looking for a relationship with someone else to compensate for the lack of relationship they have with themself. Often times, its not a relationship we're looking for, but really validation. Its not the person you're addicted to per se, but rather the drug of validation. We crave genuine human connection, but validation is an attractive alternative because it doesn't require vulnerability.
We are born knowing nothing, supposedly we should learn these things growing up, as kids in our family vis good examples. Alas it seems good parents are more rare than albinos
I haven’t read this book but I’m a psychologist and work in mental health. I’m also not married and have dated quite a bit. I’m aware of all the concepts he outlined here and am (fairly) good at enacting them. The problem is that no one else is lol. I’m genuinely not saying that to say I’m amazing or better than anyone, I just mean the way that our culture views dating, relationships, and love, all the points made here require deeper thought, self examination and awareness, and hard work. And in many years of dating I haven’t found that there’s a very large pool of folks who are open or willing to do that. As a culture, we value superficiality, financial success, immediate answers, judgment of others, fairy tales, and receive a lot of bad advice from people about how relationships are supposed to be easy. Finding people who see and understand all of that and actively work to go deeper and see the larger picture are rare gems, in my opinion. I hope this book helps to open some eyes to the importance of meaningful relationships- they are quite literally the purpose of life. In the meantime, I’ll keep on keepin’ on but it ain’t easy!
Thank you. I feel the same way, people dont't seem to actually want to get to know you or want to know themselves. Sam about making friends, it's like people stopped being curious.
I agree. I've also noticed that there's a bunch of people out there who like the idea of "going deeper" and "doing self examination" and who will say they value that, but then when it actually comes down to it, they just want comfort and short-term fun.
Ali is that type of person I’d either like to be my therapist or like a really good friend. I think the quality of conversation one could have with you is extraordinary. Thanks and keep going :)
You shouldn't seek a therapist who every day is telling you about a new book that "changed his life." His mental life is obviously not great if he constantly needs changing.
Bizarrely, this helped me a great deal - not really in helping me find a partner, but actually realising that I'm probably quite datable. I've been thinking for the longest time that the reason I'm single is because I can't seem to get my shit together, which makes me pretty undesirable. But honestly, this video changed my entire outlook on what is important.
I've been struggling to get past this breakup recently where I thought I met the absolute love in my life, but after seeing this video, I further realized that it would have failed in the long term. Thanks for this, it was much needed.
As a 20 year old who has basically been single my whole life, I've definately felt the struggles of the dating life. However more recently I realised that I'm actually pretty happy alone, theres a kind if peace that comes with. I still have friends, and I absolutely want to keep meeting and dating different people, but theres literally no point in putting pressure on finding "the one" I think at some point, as long as we are being authentic and speak to enough people, we'll all eventually find someone who we just vibe with.
I prefer to have this mentality, I don’t agree with Ali’s opinion on this, relationships are the most important thing in your life but I’d rather not force a relationship and let it happen when it happens, that doesn’t mean I stop trying with people, put yourself out there face rejection get to know people but don’t put any pressure on yourself if things don’t work out or don’t feel right, develop an abundance mindset, besides focusing on you’re goals like a career are certainly more within your control than finding the best partner coz you can’t control the outcome of a relationship with someone
'As a 20 year old who has basically been single my whole life' made me chuckle. You were a kid like 2 years ago, not a long time to be single. It's great that you've found your peace! Cause I know that couple content is all over social media now and people feel pressure to actively date, but 20 is honestly such a young age and there's no rush.
It's true. If I had put that kind of pressure on myself I would still be single today. I met my husband when I wasn't looking. As long as you are being authentic and live your best life you will attract the right person.
This video made me realize I'm a maximizer that went satisficer. Been with my husband who has become my best friend for 12 years now. He is kind, loyal, growth mindset and emotionally stable. I unconsciously went for these qualities LOL. My driving thought was long term. Among many things he makes me laugh so I know I can grow old with this person. I am extremely grateful for him.
@@camogrrl Better than those who hate the opposite sex.So many bitter hurt menn and women on these threads usually who argue for going it alone.ie there ARE no good men/women..nice to see there are happy relationships besides mine...I read these bec I am a psychologist and keep my ear to the ground.
I saw a special “aura” around my wife the first time I ever saw her. She told her college roommates when she first saw me that she was going to marry me and have my babies. And we did. Results not typical.
Right - NOT typical. Lucky and rare. Like less than 1% rare. It's interesting that those kinds of relationships that work out generally the people had important criteria in their minds already whether consciously or unconsciously that these people just happened to meet. Also, that story is a happy ending story because it worked out. If it hadn't, no one would be still talking about those auras you experienced meeting that person that it didn't work out with. You'd be telling the story of how it felt meeting the person it did work out with instead.
@@tinaperez7393 Not lucky and doesn't have to be rare. Thing is most people settle for something that isn't what they really want. If people gave their attention to their own self alignment and didn't panic about having a relationship things would unfold infinitely.
22-yr-old female here; I LOVE Alain De Botton - especially his opinions on how the Romanticism movement really messed up what we expect from love. Also, studying _how _*_*I*_* can be the best partner/friend/roommate to anyone else is one of the best things I’ve ever done. One of my biggest points of growth in the last couple years of my life has in fact been moving from being an overthinking “maximizer“ to the healthy stance that I can love just about anyone as a partner, as long as we get along well and we’re attracted to each other. That’s SUCH a broader view of it, and it puts the mind at such ease.
@@natasharules770 - I understood the concept of healthy self-development as a means to healthy relationships by listening to a LOT of Dr. Jordan Peterson and Alain de Botton, among others. They both helped me learn to ask the right questions to achieve _real_ self-growth, like seriously asking myself "how am I difficult to live with? What are every one of the ways I'm unpleasant, immature, unhealthy, and difficult?" and to first answer that, in full depth, _especially_ when it's uncomfortable. If you think hard about that question _alone_ and come up with very little... then you really don't know yourself at all. Just start with that one question, and start working on every way that YOU are hard to live with. And I would highly recommend listening to both Peterson and De Botton! :) I hope this helps!
I'm a family social science major and currently in nursing school (change of career). I absolutely agree that the most important things in life comes down to the people and relationships you're willing to invest and foster. When you're sick, down, poor, or just simply need help, they are the ones who will help. "The grass is greener on the side you're watering more."
OH MY GOD! Watching your video I just realized that my partner has all the important traits (emotionally stable, kind and compassionate, growth mindset, fight well), and I had the complete opposite kit when we met (he didn't get lucky). We are 5 years in a relationship now. If it wasn't for him, we could have split up like 10 times already. I'd always wondered how he could resolve conflicts so well... He is way smarter than me. That's why I was (and still is) struggling to understand him. But it's fine! It's like living with a book that has a limitless amount of pages and topics and you are constantly learning from. Thank you for reviewing a book. It made me think I made the right choice (gosh, if only I had known it a bit erlier). And the fact that he was never the one to offer a breakup also proves that there is something about me that's worth fighting for. Ok, I will go hug him.
Uh, this could be a good relationship or a not so good one. Research narcissist and narcissistic supply and codependency if not familiar with them. If your relationship is any of that you'll want to educate yourself, extricate yourself and heal if that's the case. Hopefully it really is a good relationship. Hard to tell from a brief comment but you definitely want to be sure. EVERYONE'S life is valuable including yours. Being kind and compassionate and empathetic, and trustworthy and reliable and respectful of others and striving to get better at stuff but not defining one's self worth by that is more important and valuable in a person than being "smart".
I’m currently getting a masters in marriage and family therapy and nearly all of the content I consume is about relationships. I so wish people would talk about relationships more openly and I’m happy you’re going in that direction. 🤗
Can you please give some tips or book recommendations? I'm trying to learn as much as I can towards my own relationships but I mostly listen to 'Dating Experts' and unfortunately, I've increasingly found that they're either full of crap or just your usual biased narcissists. Everyone is a dating expert these days 🙄 Lol
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years now. It wasn't love at first sight, but he was kind, intelligent and met most of my "prince charming wish list". The more I get to know him, the more our love grew. I was for sure a maximizer before and I couldn't commit to a relationship, I was so scared to make a bad decision or that he wasn't "the one". Since I've decided to jump in it, we both make concious efforts to make the relationship works and so far so good! Having common long term goals and similar values is definitely a must I would say. ;)
That's great! There is way too much messaging out there that a relationship is doomed just because you sometimes have doubts about it. Fear of commitment is a real thing, and we shouldn't ruin good relationships because we're scared they might not be 100% the right choice.
I used to really want to find a partner and get settled down, as I thought that being 30, time was 'running out'. As soon as I stopped thinking like that, I became far happier and less burdened with anxiety about finding meaningful connections. There's someone out there for everyone. No rush!
Summary: 1. Know your blindspots: The romanticiser who wants to find their soulmate The One. The hesitator who wants to establish themself first. The naximiser who wants to find the one withwho matches as many of your preferred traits as possible. 2. The thing we're trying to optimize for is what's going to lead to a good relationship. 3. Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good about them. 4. Stop looking for prom dates rather look for life partners. Don't prioritise short term things over long term things. 2 most imoirtant things: emotional stability and kindness. They should also have a growth mindset. Also try to find someone who can fight well who wont let their emotions get in the way. 5. Spread your wings. The things that we want often dont correlate with what would bring us satisfaction. 6. The spark is BS. The spark is not enough to sustain things. 7. Always go on second dates. The fundamental attribution error should be avoided. 8. Decide, don't slide. Really actively think about what you want and talk about expectations. 5.
Well I got lucky..I am a clinical psychologist and professor I taught grad studemts in psych I know the research. I was looking for personality traits...ones that matched mine or predicted a good relationship for my personality: high in openness, high in conscientiousness, moderately high in agreeableness (not a doormat), low in neutroticism, toward the end of the introversion spectrum but not all the way (ie someone I could live on a sailboat with for a decade sometimes seeing and interacting with others but not a hermit for life).What I got was fireworks...way beyond a spark. I didnt even believe in sparks. Followed by checking off all those other characteristics...HIGH IQ at least equal to mine was important to me being an academic...got that too. Together 40 yrs 10 of them on that sailboat cruising the Caribbean and another 10 living abroad in a foreign country both in early retirement.
9:04 "There's no such a thing as a perfect partner. The thing we're trying to optimise for is what is going to lead to LONG-TERM HAPPINESS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP." Great line! 👍 I'll tune my dating optimisation algorithm accordingly 🤓
I'm a 21 year old woman who has never been in a relationship, never asked out , nothing at all . ( I specified that I'm a woman because a lot of people think that's it's not possible for women) It used to bother me a lot . I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me . Am I that ugly? That undesirable? That unworthy of any form of love ? It's a very toxic mindset to be in . I knew that but I couldn't get out of it . Seeing people around me be in relationships throughout the years while I was still single always made me wonder what did I lack in . So how do you recover from this ? I can safely say that I have reached a point where it doesn't bother me anymore .You'll never fully recover from it . ( If you do it'll take a while) Spending time with yourself, finding things to do that you love, getting out of your comfort zone, doing things that give you a little rush , keep yourself busy. These are some things that'll temporarily help you recover from that mindset Remember, it takes time. A lot of time .
@@jerome1lm I haven't asked anybody out either. There was one person I wanted to but it was too late. That was years ago tho. I guess I just haven't found the right person who makes me want to be with them.
Ali, I was feeling very down and unmotivated earlier this week following some critical feedback I’ve gotten about my work. And I totally wasn’t looking for relationship advice today, but listening to your video today has soothed my soul. It feels like a hot cup of tea that warms up your body sip by sip. Your presence is so soothing. And I feel motivated to tackle on my day and not be so scared. Thank you…from a lost, but on her way, 29 year old ♥️
"Don't let perfect be the enemy of great." Our perfect expectations of a person or an experience often hold us back from actually enjoying life and being present in life.
True and many social structures are very unhealthy, like the ideal in fashion of a super thin woman. Or social media is build on dopamine, validate, likes, clicks and swipe. Can be very toxic for your mental health. So I would say find balance and be conscious of yourself.
It's been said before but worth repeating here, being happy in oneself or maximising in oneself should distract you from the idea of trying to find those maximums in others. You may not be completely in sync with everything but if you are happy in your own place or with friends and family then that shouldn't matter. Opposites can attract. As long as both are on the same page in terms of values, goals, what they expect from the relationship etc. Then you should be fine.
The spark is like falling in love with a song in an instant and putting it on repeat until you don't. Opposed to one you're indifferent to or might not even like at first sight which keeps on creeping back to you until it grows on you and ultimately satisfy you for the rest of your days. This how I found my love. Keep on creeping guys ! ♥️
As a romanticizer, I needed to see this video!! Definitely learned a lot from it including that having the “spark” didn’t mean anything long term wise.
I have been following your channel for quite some time, and never felt you being so real, this video has more personalized you, so now feels like you’re not a superhuman anymore, you’re one of us) Loved this video 😊
When I followed the “life partner” and not the spark, it led to two kids and a contentious traumatic divorce where I lost one child. When I finally followed the spark and trusted in it, I’ve been in a tremendously happy, romantic and inspiring relationship for over ten years now and the spark is still with us every single day.
My mom went against her family to follow the spark; it ended in divorce and 3-year bankruptcy. Now I’m following reason/life partner. I think I understand what you mean: it can be quite hard and dull. We all have less patience for the one we don’t truly love, but at the same time, we don’t tolerate ill behaviors or feel much pain from the one we don’t love either. No way is guaranteed right or wrong, we can only estimate and risk the consequences ourselves.
It could be that your partner happened to also match the traits of a life partner which is why the relationship is successful. I'm sure if they didn't have those traits then that relationship would've gone south too. Either that or someone is tolerating the other person more than usual and the relationship is actually unequal as one person is satisfied while the other is pretending for convenience sake.
Be a maximizer professionally and about yourself. For life partner, you want the same values as your life partner. You want someone you love talking to. You want someone who matches your integrity, kindness, altruism, loyalty. Mismatches in these areas cause too much pain for the “better” person and the “worse” person will never be able to measure up.
The bar I really set for my partner is intellectual curiosity. I also already have the mindset that Ali talks about in this video; it’s just harder to date today.
@@GabrielCarvv mine too has been this for years, but I've toned it down a bit. As long as you have friends or a social support system that fosters intellectual stimulation (and your partner is willing and able to jump along), then that's good enough. I used to think that she had to ALL the things...partners shouldn't, but should be ok with us getting different fixes from different places while supporting us and being there for us in other domains, as we should try to be there for them even though we aren't All the things they need. We used to have a village of people, now we just have one person and expect them to be everything. Quick route to disappointment if you ask me.
@@shannondelima3028 You are definitely correct in that we shouldn't ask our partners to be perfect. However, I am someone who gets bored relatively easily since I become hyperfixated on a topic. So if my partner does not grow/challenge me, I don't think I can see a future with them.
I read the book because of a recommendation from one of your videos and I can assure you that it not only teaches us how to relate but also improve as a person. I am 21 years old and it causes me a bit of anxiety to see the difficulties that exist today, but the way he explains it makes it seem natural and normal. It is the kind of book that we should all read to get to know each other a little better and self-assess how we treat others.
Relationships and choosing “the one” are such big decisions! Many of us being perfectionists, we want to look for the “perfect” partner while forgetting there’s no such thing! I’d love to be a “satisficer” and relationships are all about compromise. But those 3 criteria - kind/compassionate, emotionally stable, growth mindset - I don’t think I can compromise on those! Good luck to all you finding your way through the world and looking for love ❤️
Personally I wouldn’t refer to my own experience as a “spark” but more of a “click moment”. I think that “love at first sight” can be misleading because most of it is just physical attraction mixed with mild compatibility. The click moment on the other hand is something that most people have probably experienced with a friend or significant person in their life where you are just intellectually on the same page in almost every way and it just WORKS. I’d like to add that we disagree as well and we challenge each other a lot but at the same time we have shared values, morals and mindset which in my opinion is FAR more valuable than the intense chemistry people get at the start. I’ve been with the person I had the click moment with for 4 years now and judging by what is written in this book it’ll probably last... shit just makes sense But I definitely think that it is a real thing that happens if you just don’t put too much pressure on it, you have to be open to it! Great video Ali, thanks for talking about love more! The world needs it
OMG!! I have never read this book, but everything it says summarized my thoughts. I am a satisfiser and I never believe in the maximizer mindset. Recently I have a realization, after my recent breakup, that what I need in a life partner is a person who is emotionally concious, stable and mature, someone who is willing to learn, grow and develop, someone who has a mindset of a fighter and don’t easily give up. On top of my own standard. This realization comes up after I reflect on my recent breakup of a 4 year relationship and my past traumas from childhood.
Life is hard for 2 reasons :- Either because you’re leaving your comfort zone or because you’re staying in it. Leaving your comfort zone would tremendously increase the slope of your growth graph . great things is life is truly achieved by leaving your comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone would gradually decrease the slope of improvement , the slope of dreams you have , the slope of meaning of life you carried till now would eventually decrease due to ill effect of staying in your comfort zone. ~ Manas Seetharama
Reading before bed is one of the healthiest habits you can pick up in the digital age. So often screens are the last things you see before you go to her, and the first you reach for in the morning. Finding great book to add to the lost is always great.
The emojis on the paper makes this sensitive topic more relatable and lighthearted. Looking forward to more content about relationships because Lord knows I need it 😂
Lewis Howes' interviews and relationship therapist Esther Perel are good sources. And for communication skills, Eva Pompouros and Chris Voss are good too.
This video is not about productivity, yet when I heard your voice I started looking at things I should do. I made your voice and videos as my conditioned reflex to be productive.
I am a dentist and I saw toothbrushes on the coverpage of this book so I clicked to watch it but nothing was mentioned about it haha; however, i am very happy that I watched this entire video and found it so useful as I currently search for a life partner. Thank you Ali!
I just recently read this book about a month ago and told all of my friends about it. I agree, it’s super helpful! I’m a hesitater so I never feel ready.
I talk about relationship pshychology and I just realised I have always been the hesitator. Just recently I decided to ignore London weather and just start dating people lol. For me it’s always been like let me do this first then I will be ready etc. Like study first, exam first, now job first, now bigger job first, now loose weight more!! My tip: it starts with self awareness. Once you know you have this problem, just decide that you will ignore this problem for a while and just push yourself out there! ♥️
I paused the video on Tip # 1 I went on the google book previews and opened up this book. I gave the quiz and my scores are: Romanticizer: 13 Maximizer: 14 Hesitater: 15 After watching the Tip # 2 section I believe I am a satisficer, and yes it's GREAT!
Sounds like an interesting book, I'm definitely going to give it a read! Curious, did the book discuss that research has indicated that in older age single women are actually happier than both men and married women, and they have stronger non romantic relationships and social networks? For me, this information is important, not because I think people should give up on the idea of meeting someone, but because it helps relieve the pressure of dating because being single, particularly as you get older, isn't actually a big deal.
thank you! I needed to hear this today. I am soon 40, been single for 8 years and even if I feel fine most of the time, there is a part of me feeling like a failure for having no man by my side
I’m 52 and been single for quite a long time. But I love my own space and find friends to do fun things with. I’m not even sure what I’d do with a partner if that person was a noisy sleeper or messy. So I’m very happy being single but I also think about what potential joys there could be in finding a best friend.
The statistics Agree. My mum is 77= all her female peers are happy to have “no one to cater too” in their older years. I often hear that husbands are hard work and as they don’t confide in male friends it’s the wife who carries 100% of that mans needs. That putting others first with hunsnab and kids is over and they are finally free to do what they need to be happy. Older men statistically 50% re-marry in six months becuse they have very few social connections or support networks, mainlybecuse their wife has arranged all their family and social activities for decades.
Thank you for this. 🥰 I’m 25 and I’ve never felt insecure about being single until the last few months. I needed to remember that my time will come and continuing to work on what I can give to a relationship is key.
Ali is so effective at concisely communicating the main arguments and overarching themes of the book that I was strongly considering buying the book until about minute 12, after which I was convinced I'd be wasting my time reading it on top of watching his video. The world is a better place because of your creations, Ali. Respect.
I haven't read the book, but I still recommend buying and reading it yourself! Although you get all the information from this video, you'll remember it better by consuming the points over time and with the context of the studies, etc. At least, that's been my experience in when I get the information in a short video vs. immerse myself in a book about a topic.
@@CarNumber9 Well said. I guess in an age of quick fixes and instant gratification we're tempted to think that intently watching a summary video could induce lasting change. I just bought the book on Kindle and will be immersing myself in it so I can synthesize the various arguments within the set context for personal application in my own unique way. Advice taken.
You have probably heard this a million times but let me say this again - you are amazing , you have changed peoples lives , continue on this path , hurdles may come and go , but the impact you had on people’s lives are for eternity :)
The reason online dating doesn't work is because we're pressured to make a choice about someone based on their photo and, depending on the app, what they say about themselves. In the past, we had in-person social connections that allowed us to get to know potential partners without the pressure of selecting or not selecting them as a partner immediately. If we found that we hit it off with someone, we would typically see them a number of times before making a choice to things further. I believe partnerships in today's world fail because we are meeting people under the pressure of having to make a choice about them immediately. We either jump in and often times find we've made the wrong choice, or we have experienced so many wrong choices in the past that we don't choose anyone for fear of making another wrong choice.
Regarding the question of “why aren’t there more books/videos/podcasts that discuss relationships?”- there are. Most of them are geared towards women, which is probably why they aren’t on your radar. I agree that there should be more content in this area geared toward men or a neutral audience.
that feeling when you've been inspired by Ali to overall improve your life for the last several months, now you see how he talks about LOVE and impact on your this Love thing, too. Personally love it.
Bi Ali, i just love the speed of your talk! So great to get that amount of information in such a short amount of time. Normally I get bored listening to most of the videos on you tube - thank you for you of changing the speed of audio books. Keep up the great work. Cheers from Germany
As a person who've spent several years on the dating market and met my now husband on the dating app, I can say that all things highlighted in this video are really valuable, and I wish I knew it sooner.
The only thing I was scared is dying Alone. But at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship as I get scared of short term relation, I just want someone for lifelong.
This video came just in the right moment! Realized I am a maximizer who's been trying to become a satisficer but still entertains the thought of maybe there's someone better out there. Thanks, Ali!
Interesting concept about maximisers and satificers. I must have decided that for me, satisficing is stop looking. It was a good decision. I feel good about it. I'm emotionally stable with a growth mindset. I think I love me.
what’s missing is to tell people that they themselves also have to have those traits they’re looking for in a partner so looking for someone who is emotionally stable, you yourself have to be emotionally stable as well, working on your emotional intelligence and healing any emotional wounds, attachment style and when you’re looking for someone who can communicate when there’s a problem, you yourself also have to have this skill of assertive communication and conflict resolution
Thank you for making this video! I'm a high school student, and I've been watching your videos for a long time. Recently, I'm also worried about some relationships in my life. Not only about love, but also friendships and family issues. I'm looking forwards to watching some videos about relationships in your channel. always support you~
I'm curious to read this book. I liked the big points you talked about in this video. I've learned that when it comes to relationships, it's not about what you want, but what's right for you. Thanks, Ali
I completely agree with you Ali. If you have way too many options, it would be hard for you to make a decision. The same rule applies to why apple sticked to having at least 3 colors on their Macbook selections. (i.e. silver, space gray and rose gold)
I honestly believe that the two last traits are enough to make it a good relationship - someone who is emotionally unstable can be a great partner too - you just have to listen to them - accept that they are not always what you need - and they HAVE to have the growth-mindset, knowing that they are not quite emotionally stable right now, but that they are working on it. I have been with my partner for 9 years now, and one of us had a depression when we met - not an issue, if you both are willing to talk and understand each other. And none of you are going to be emotionally stable throughout an entire relationship, unless its a single day, you can probably do a day.
On some level I agree with you. But I've also felt it first hand what it means to have an unstable partner. It's what ruined it in the end. Some trauma needs to be worked through before a healthy relationship is possible. Otherwise you'll try and convince them when they are constantly looking for reasons not to trust you.
Really interesting about the 'prom date' approach. I'm the complete opposite (looking for stability and long term partnership) but have found that dating in London almost exclusively means meeting someone with that prom date approach. I don't know what it is about this city, but it's like everyone's chasing the dopamine and expecting perfection at the first go.
This is a great video with solid tips tbh. I notice that when a relationship has a down period or people's flaws are revealed, social media offers some people a false sense of security that there is someone better giving them validation via likes , when in reality those people have just as many flaws as well, though not obviously present on their profile feed. Its easy to look at the best qualities that people allow you to see, assume that they are perfect, and assume that your current relationship is the problem. Sometimes your relationship actually is the problem but there is a caveat. This validation is only external and may very well go up in flames once your own internal flaws are revealed to them. Everyone has flaws but it comes down to whose flaws you're willing to accept and work with. If one is to "jump ship" to the next best thing solely based off initial superficial qualities, then they will be in a perpetual state of being in new relationships forever, as there always is something slightly better / different in everyone, and essentially wind up relationship-less in the end.
No ! reading books about love and relationships isn’t dumb or weird . I believe that almost everything has a formula and we should strive to figure that out and implement it in our lives . Dating without having a clue about what you should be looking for in order to have a healthy relationship is like randomly shooting arrows in the dark .
Dating is hard in London, it's like the cocktail of too much choice and highly ambitious and successful people creates an "almost impossible" difficulty level. Hope people read this book or at least watch this video, might help. I think with me, I always want more or something different, might be wired wrongly. I think that I need to fight the way I am to actually find some sustained happiness.
Will definitely have a read. It took me until my mid 20’s to realise, love not lust. It’s akin to the author saying “prom date”. Generally, surface value stuff like that, certain looks, vices, etc (lust) will fade after 6 months. It’s then the deeper parts that will reveal; values and integrity (or lack of) etc. if those are aligned, that’s then love.
This is great advice. However, I feel that the categories are a bit over-simplified. The characteristics of the hesitator and the maximiser sound a bit like fears of relationships. And if that's the case, the individual has a lot of other stuff to work through, than just look for someone, who is good enough.
That's a very good point. Being overly critical of others can be a coping mechanism. I'll reject you before you can reject me. Hesitation can also be fear or procrastination. I'll only go for it if everything is perfect, therefore never.
i've been curently reading this book and found out that i'm some where between a Hesitator and a Maximiser. Never thought i would be learning about dating and realationships through a book but this one helped a big deal, and i totally recommend to all the lost souls out there who might need a hand in the dating world.
I can’t help but laugh while watching this. This is so Ali. Ali is like ‘How to productively get a meaningful relationship’. Soon ‘How to have a productive relationship’😂. Plus, it makes me think about this statement ‘We don’t know what we want’. I supposed it’s true . But we sure do know what we don’t want.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
Ali's only true love is *productivity*
Haha. He does love it.
ruclips.net/video/hByI1sIdjMQ/видео.html
Eh, no it's money.
everything is very fast, swiping too.also people dont healed themselves, past traumas, wounds, dont know how to date or communicate
The Hoffman process for healing traumas, Singer for the sould, ..Getting the love you want by Hunt and Hendrix is the est, explains all, Imago therapy, choosing partners based on childhood etc
There’s one book I read that said: The biggest misconception about love is that it comes naturally but the truth is to love is a skill. A skill that people put aside and don’t realize is a skill. As any other skill, we have to learn to be better at it.
Absolutely! It's like how my Dad who's had a thirty year marriage with my mom told me when I was in graduate school and bemoaning my love life- marriage, or even a long term relationship, is a full time job. Theoretically, you could go out and date anyone- but to have a long-term relationship involves just as much investment and time as work, even if you do get along spectacularly well. It's completely an investment.
Can you please tell me the name of the book if you know it.Thank you
@@Topboy_1Mc I think he might refer to The Course of Love by Alain De Botton. Hope this helps:)
@@ninal.2220 Thank you very much
Don’t really agree! Loving someone comes easily. True love starts with us. If we are capable of loving ourselves then we can love others with no effort. People that find it hard to fall in love is because they have a hard time loving themselves.
As some one who has made a shit load of mistakes in dating and is now married and happy in it, these are my tips.
1.Find a sustainable relationship. don't create unsustainable patterns in your relationship, if you are the kind of person who wakes up early to go to the gym everyday, don't sleep in with your partner everyday for the beginning of your relationship , they will be disappointed later when you stop doing that. They may even feel cheated because you turned out to be someone else altogether.
2. Marriage is the starting point of the relationship not the end goal. That ring means nothing if you can't keep it and it's not an achievement if your partner has proposed. An achievement is making that proposal count.
Haha well made points... Thank. You
Completely agree! Adding to the first point, I guess one shouldn’t wait too long searching for ‘THE ONE’ as well, haha
Ah, really good point about sustainable patterns, thank you
YESSS!!!!!
Anything else? Thanks for sharing.
I think most people don't know themselves. In other words, they don't have a relationship with themselves - so they end up looking for a relationship with someone else to compensate for the lack of relationship they have with themself. Often times, its not a relationship we're looking for, but really validation. Its not the person you're addicted to per se, but rather the drug of validation. We crave genuine human connection, but validation is an attractive alternative because it doesn't require vulnerability.
This is so true
Great comment ! Very deep and thought-provoking.
God bless you.
We are born knowing nothing, supposedly we should learn these things growing up, as kids in our family vis good examples. Alas it seems good parents are more rare than albinos
Omg
You nailed it
I haven’t read this book but I’m a psychologist and work in mental health. I’m also not married and have dated quite a bit. I’m aware of all the concepts he outlined here and am (fairly) good at enacting them. The problem is that no one else is lol. I’m genuinely not saying that to say I’m amazing or better than anyone, I just mean the way that our culture views dating, relationships, and love, all the points made here require deeper thought, self examination and awareness, and hard work. And in many years of dating I haven’t found that there’s a very large pool of folks who are open or willing to do that. As a culture, we value superficiality, financial success, immediate answers, judgment of others, fairy tales, and receive a lot of bad advice from people about how relationships are supposed to be easy. Finding people who see and understand all of that and actively work to go deeper and see the larger picture are rare gems, in my opinion. I hope this book helps to open some eyes to the importance of meaningful relationships- they are quite literally the purpose of life. In the meantime, I’ll keep on keepin’ on but it ain’t easy!
There's plenty of great men and women out there. Good luck!
Thank you. I feel the same way, people dont't seem to actually want to get to know you or want to know themselves. Sam about making friends, it's like people stopped being curious.
Agree
I agree. I've also noticed that there's a bunch of people out there who like the idea of "going deeper" and "doing self examination" and who will say they value that, but then when it actually comes down to it, they just want comfort and short-term fun.
I think the same, maybe this is why I am alone too.
Maybe the country also count, I dont know.
Ali is literally grinning. He’s either found love or is enjoying peak Gymshark status.
R u a Bengali?
It is very true.
What is his connection to gymshark?
He 'hearted' this comment. Coincidence? I think not.
I think he found love 😀
1. Kindness
2. Emotional Maturity
3. Growth Mind Factor
Gosh, thank you Ali!! Definitely buying this book!
What about Fights well?
@@GeethaSindhuriBarabari She said "emotional maturity"
Ali is that type of person I’d either like to be my therapist or like a really good friend. I think the quality of conversation one could have with you is extraordinary. Thanks and keep going :)
aww thanks
same :)
Agree
You shouldn't seek a therapist who every day is telling you about a new book that "changed his life." His mental life is obviously not great if he constantly needs changing.
@@mmarco8787 🤣 wrong..... No one is perfect. If you think you are, you're an egotistical bigot. EVERYONE always has something that they can improve on
Bizarrely, this helped me a great deal - not really in helping me find a partner, but actually realising that I'm probably quite datable. I've been thinking for the longest time that the reason I'm single is because I can't seem to get my shit together, which makes me pretty undesirable. But honestly, this video changed my entire outlook on what is important.
That’s good to know. Self image is super important
I relate to this comment so much.
I guess it depends to what extend “can’t get shit together is” most cases it doesn’t affect people having fun with you anyway
Wow, that's awesome!
Yes yes yes.
I've been struggling to get past this breakup recently where I thought I met the absolute love in my life, but after seeing this video, I further realized that it would have failed in the long term. Thanks for this, it was much needed.
Thank you for your comment. Went through something similar the past months and it feels good to see that someone has the same thoughts as me ❤
As a 20 year old who has basically been single my whole life, I've definately felt the struggles of the dating life.
However more recently I realised that I'm actually pretty happy alone, theres a kind if peace that comes with. I still have friends, and I absolutely want to keep meeting and dating different people, but theres literally no point in putting pressure on finding "the one"
I think at some point, as long as we are being authentic and speak to enough people, we'll all eventually find someone who we just vibe with.
I prefer to have this mentality, I don’t agree with Ali’s opinion on this, relationships are the most important thing in your life but I’d rather not force a relationship and let it happen when it happens, that doesn’t mean I stop trying with people, put yourself out there face rejection get to know people but don’t put any pressure on yourself if things don’t work out or don’t feel right, develop an abundance mindset, besides focusing on you’re goals like a career are certainly more within your control than finding the best partner coz you can’t control the outcome of a relationship with someone
'As a 20 year old who has basically been single my whole life' made me chuckle. You were a kid like 2 years ago, not a long time to be single. It's great that you've found your peace! Cause I know that couple content is all over social media now and people feel pressure to actively date, but 20 is honestly such a young age and there's no rush.
It's true. If I had put that kind of pressure on myself I would still be single today. I met my husband when I wasn't looking. As long as you are being authentic and live your best life you will attract the right person.
Right! I think a lot of us could benefit from this mentality ☺️ I agree wholeheartedly
Exactly
This video made me realize I'm a maximizer that went satisficer. Been with my husband who has become my best friend for 12 years now. He is kind, loyal, growth mindset and emotionally stable. I unconsciously went for these qualities LOL. My driving thought was long term. Among many things he makes me laugh so I know I can grow old with this person. I am extremely grateful for him.
Heaven it is
Good to hear 😀
Always someone rubbing your nose in their happiness. Thanks for yet another highlight reel
@@camogrrl Better than those who hate the opposite sex.So many bitter hurt menn
and women on these threads usually who argue for going it alone.ie there ARE no good men/women..nice to see there are happy relationships besides mine...I read these bec I am a psychologist and keep my ear to the ground.
@@camogrrl I never said my relationship is perfect. No one is forcing you to read my comment, thanks for your opinion though.
I saw a special “aura” around my wife the first time I ever saw her. She told her college roommates when she first saw me that she was going to marry me and have my babies. And we did. Results not typical.
Same here..
Right - NOT typical. Lucky and rare. Like less than 1% rare. It's interesting that those kinds of relationships that work out generally the people had important criteria in their minds already whether consciously or unconsciously that these people just happened to meet.
Also, that story is a happy ending story because it worked out. If it hadn't, no one would be still talking about those auras you experienced meeting that person that it didn't work out with. You'd be telling the story of how it felt meeting the person it did work out with instead.
But I'm guessing you both are compatible in some ways.
@@noemita494 Yes. We share a similar sense of humor and views on life in general.
@@tinaperez7393 Not lucky and doesn't have to be rare. Thing is most people settle for something that isn't what they really want. If people gave their attention to their own self alignment and didn't panic about having a relationship things would unfold infinitely.
22-yr-old female here; I LOVE Alain De Botton - especially his opinions on how the Romanticism movement really messed up what we expect from love. Also, studying _how _*_*I*_* can be the best partner/friend/roommate to anyone else is one of the best things I’ve ever done.
One of my biggest points of growth in the last couple years of my life has in fact been moving from being an overthinking “maximizer“ to the healthy stance that I can love just about anyone as a partner, as long as we get along well and we’re attracted to each other. That’s SUCH a broader view of it, and it puts the mind at such ease.
Hi, how did you learn this? Books?
@@natasharules770 - I understood the concept of healthy self-development as a means to healthy relationships by listening to a LOT of Dr. Jordan Peterson and Alain de Botton, among others.
They both helped me learn to ask the right questions to achieve _real_ self-growth, like seriously asking myself "how am I difficult to live with? What are every one of the ways I'm unpleasant, immature, unhealthy, and difficult?" and to first answer that, in full depth, _especially_ when it's uncomfortable.
If you think hard about that question _alone_ and come up with very little... then you really don't know yourself at all.
Just start with that one question, and start working on every way that YOU are hard to live with.
And I would highly recommend listening to both Peterson and De Botton! :)
I hope this helps!
@@milo_thatch_incarnate thanks 😊
Please don't read that. When you re 30 you'll regret it. Just go out and liv3
yes yes yes yes
I'm a family social science major and currently in nursing school (change of career). I absolutely agree that the most important things in life comes down to the people and relationships you're willing to invest and foster. When you're sick, down, poor, or just simply need help, they are the ones who will help. "The grass is greener on the side you're watering more."
"The grass is greener on the side you're watering more" I absolutely love this!!!
That is the best quote. Yess.
OH MY GOD! Watching your video I just realized that my partner has all the important traits (emotionally stable, kind and compassionate, growth mindset, fight well), and I had the complete opposite kit when we met (he didn't get lucky).
We are 5 years in a relationship now. If it wasn't for him, we could have split up like 10 times already. I'd always wondered how he could resolve conflicts so well...
He is way smarter than me. That's why I was (and still is) struggling to understand him. But it's fine! It's like living with a book that has a limitless amount of pages and topics and you are constantly learning from.
Thank you for reviewing a book. It made me think I made the right choice (gosh, if only I had known it a bit erlier).
And the fact that he was never the one to offer a breakup also proves that there is something about me that's worth fighting for.
Ok, I will go hug him.
Uh, this could be a good relationship or a not so good one. Research narcissist and narcissistic supply and codependency if not familiar with them. If your relationship is any of that you'll want to educate yourself, extricate yourself and heal if that's the case. Hopefully it really is a good relationship. Hard to tell from a brief comment but you definitely want to be sure. EVERYONE'S life is valuable including yours. Being kind and compassionate and empathetic, and trustworthy and reliable and respectful of others and striving to get better at stuff but not defining one's self worth by that is more important and valuable in a person than being "smart".
Why are you spamming this same message in every comment section of every video.... I have read it already
I’m currently getting a masters in marriage and family therapy and nearly all of the content I consume is about relationships. I so wish people would talk about relationships more openly and I’m happy you’re going in that direction. 🤗
That’s so true ! I think the reason people keep it to themselves is because it’s very complicated
The problem for most men is lack of look ...
Do you have any suggestions on good relationship pods?
Can you please give some tips or book recommendations? I'm trying to learn as much as I can towards my own relationships but I mostly listen to 'Dating Experts' and unfortunately, I've increasingly found that they're either full of crap or just your usual biased narcissists. Everyone is a dating expert these days 🙄 Lol
Share some readings!!! I’m a psych student so it would be so interesting
I’m so happy that Ali called himself out on being superficial. We Stan that.
Same here ! !
Wait, why is he superficial?
It's ironic because someone who's as superficial would never want him
@@c.j.5455 That’s the circle of life lol
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years now. It wasn't love at first sight, but he was kind, intelligent and met most of my "prince charming wish list". The more I get to know him, the more our love grew. I was for sure a maximizer before and I couldn't commit to a relationship, I was so scared to make a bad decision or that he wasn't "the one". Since I've decided to jump in it, we both make concious efforts to make the relationship works and so far so good! Having common long term goals and similar values is definitely a must I would say. ;)
I love love love this… it’s so real and genuine ♥️
there is no "the one". that is all fabricated lies pushed on my movies etc
That's great! There is way too much messaging out there that a relationship is doomed just because you sometimes have doubts about it. Fear of commitment is a real thing, and we shouldn't ruin good relationships because we're scared they might not be 100% the right choice.
Common long term goals and similar values‼️
I used to really want to find a partner and get settled down, as I thought that being 30, time was 'running out'. As soon as I stopped thinking like that, I became far happier and less burdened with anxiety about finding meaningful connections. There's someone out there for everyone. No rush!
Some women want to have kids, so being picky or apathetic in her 20s isn't a good idea.
Summary:
1. Know your blindspots:
The romanticiser who wants to find their soulmate The One. The hesitator who wants to establish themself first. The naximiser who wants to find the one withwho matches as many of your preferred traits as possible.
2. The thing we're trying to optimize for is what's going to lead to a good relationship.
3. Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good about them.
4. Stop looking for prom dates rather look for life partners. Don't prioritise short term things over long term things. 2 most imoirtant things: emotional stability and kindness. They should also have a growth mindset. Also try to find someone who can fight well who wont let their emotions get in the way.
5. Spread your wings. The things that we want often dont correlate with what would bring us satisfaction.
6. The spark is BS. The spark is not enough to sustain things.
7. Always go on second dates. The fundamental attribution error should be avoided.
8. Decide, don't slide. Really actively think about what you want and talk about expectations.
5.
Thanks
Well I got lucky..I am a clinical psychologist and professor I taught grad studemts in psych I know the research. I was looking for personality traits...ones that matched mine or predicted a good relationship for my personality: high in openness, high in conscientiousness, moderately high in agreeableness (not a doormat), low in neutroticism, toward the end of the introversion spectrum but not all the way (ie someone I could live on a sailboat with for a decade sometimes seeing and interacting with others but not a hermit for life).What I got was fireworks...way beyond a spark. I didnt even believe in sparks. Followed by checking off all those other characteristics...HIGH IQ at least equal to mine was important to me being an academic...got that too. Together 40 yrs 10 of them on that sailboat cruising the Caribbean and another 10 living abroad in a foreign country both in early retirement.
@@latinaalma1947 that is beautiful.
@@Plethorality Thank you...I wish you great success in finding and living the life YOU want!
You're totally right about point 5. after 8. Sometimes there is an unknown, mystical component that makes relationships work (or fail).
Love the honesty and vulnerability of talking about dating and the value of relationships
Yesss same!
9:04 "There's no such a thing as a perfect partner. The thing we're trying to optimise for is what is going to lead to LONG-TERM HAPPINESS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP." Great line! 👍 I'll tune my dating optimisation algorithm accordingly 🤓
Ha ha good one!! 🤗
I'm a 21 year old woman who has never been in a relationship, never asked out , nothing at all . ( I specified that I'm a woman because a lot of people think that's it's not possible for women)
It used to bother me a lot . I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me . Am I that ugly? That undesirable? That unworthy of any form of love ?
It's a very toxic mindset to be in . I knew that but I couldn't get out of it .
Seeing people around me be in relationships throughout the years while I was still single always made me wonder what did I lack in .
So how do you recover from this ?
I can safely say that I have reached a point where it doesn't bother me anymore .You'll never fully recover from it . ( If you do it'll take a while)
Spending time with yourself, finding things to do that you love, getting out of your comfort zone, doing things that give you a little rush , keep yourself busy. These are some things that'll temporarily help you recover from that mindset
Remember, it takes time. A lot of time .
Just curious, how many men have you asked out?
@@jerome1lm I haven't asked anybody out either. There was one person I wanted to but it was too late. That was years ago tho. I guess I just haven't found the right person who makes me want to be with them.
@@jerome1lm men do not like being asked out. They go out with you once and then they move on to a woman they like to chase.
I am in your position for the last 7 plus years, difference is I am now in my 40's and it's just scary....and painful.
@@actuaryaltair6280 BOOM
Ali, I was feeling very down and unmotivated earlier this week following some critical feedback I’ve gotten about my work. And I totally wasn’t looking for relationship advice today, but listening to your video today has soothed my soul. It feels like a hot cup of tea that warms up your body sip by sip. Your presence is so soothing. And I feel motivated to tackle on my day and not be so scared.
Thank you…from a lost, but on her way, 29 year old ♥️
@@klnj9714 yesss! What a great way of putting it! I love and appreciate the men in my life for being my rocks 🪨 and people I can depend on 💜
"Don't let perfect be the enemy of great." Our perfect expectations of a person or an experience often hold us back from actually enjoying life and being present in life.
True and many social structures are very unhealthy, like the ideal in fashion of a super thin woman. Or social media is build on dopamine, validate, likes, clicks and swipe. Can be very toxic for your mental health. So I would say find balance and be conscious of yourself.
you on F.I.R.E.
After 5 years ,
Ali : Today I am going to give 10 tips for smart Parenting :-)
Hhhhh nice one!
@@changqi9098 haha
You mean productive? 😀😀
@@michaelakiriakova1236 oh yeah I forgot to mention the word productivity in the title ☺
I hope that's me! Being in a position and married, giving parenting tips next time! X
It's been said before but worth repeating here, being happy in oneself or maximising in oneself should distract you from the idea of trying to find those maximums in others. You may not be completely in sync with everything but if you are happy in your own place or with friends and family then that shouldn't matter. Opposites can attract. As long as both are on the same page in terms of values, goals, what they expect from the relationship etc. Then you should be fine.
The thing about 'spark' is absolutely true... Slow burn is the way to go!
The spark is like falling in love with a song in an instant and putting it on repeat until you don't.
Opposed to one you're indifferent to or might not even like at first sight which keeps on creeping back to you until it grows on you and ultimately satisfy you for the rest of your days.
This how I found my love. Keep on creeping guys ! ♥️
As a romanticizer, I needed to see this video!! Definitely learned a lot from it including that having the “spark” didn’t mean anything long term wise.
Same. I want those butterflies
the author actualy talks about this form of short term gratification ( the spark) as a form of drug addiction
I have been following your channel for quite some time, and never felt you being so real, this video has more personalized you, so now feels like you’re not a superhuman anymore, you’re one of us)
Loved this video 😊
When I followed the “life partner” and not the spark, it led to two kids and a contentious traumatic divorce where I lost one child. When I finally followed the spark and trusted in it, I’ve been in a tremendously happy, romantic and inspiring relationship for over ten years now and the spark is still with us every single day.
This is beautiful but it sounds like you're a statistical outlier.
As long as my partner can pay for my electric bills that's only spark I need otherwise Im sticking to jam or peanut butter
We followed the spark but will still split up. She went to look for other sparks
My mom went against her family to follow the spark; it ended in divorce and 3-year bankruptcy. Now I’m following reason/life partner. I think I understand what you mean: it can be quite hard and dull. We all have less patience for the one we don’t truly love, but at the same time, we don’t tolerate ill behaviors or feel much pain from the one we don’t love either. No way is guaranteed right or wrong, we can only estimate and risk the consequences ourselves.
It could be that your partner happened to also match the traits of a life partner which is why the relationship is successful. I'm sure if they didn't have those traits then that relationship would've gone south too. Either that or someone is tolerating the other person more than usual and the relationship is actually unequal as one person is satisfied while the other is pretending for convenience sake.
I’m definitely a romanticist…and I usually trust my gut and follow the spark. I think our intuition tells us who we should be with
love when he says he doesn't have much experience in long term relationships. Appreciate the genuine-ness.
Be a maximizer professionally and about yourself. For life partner, you want the same values as your life partner. You want someone you love talking to. You want someone who matches your integrity, kindness, altruism, loyalty. Mismatches in these areas cause too much pain for the “better” person and the “worse” person will never be able to measure up.
The bar I really set for my partner is intellectual curiosity. I also already have the mindset that Ali talks about in this video; it’s just harder to date today.
Extremely good criteria!
@@GabrielCarvv mine too has been this for years, but I've toned it down a bit. As long as you have friends or a social support system that fosters intellectual stimulation (and your partner is willing and able to jump along), then that's good enough. I used to think that she had to ALL the things...partners shouldn't, but should be ok with us getting different fixes from different places while supporting us and being there for us in other domains, as we should try to be there for them even though we aren't All the things they need. We used to have a village of people, now we just have one person and expect them to be everything. Quick route to disappointment if you ask me.
Too relatable lol
@@shannondelima3028 You are definitely correct in that we shouldn't ask our partners to be perfect. However, I am someone who gets bored relatively easily since I become hyperfixated on a topic. So if my partner does not grow/challenge me,
I don't think I can see a future with them.
Way too relatable.
loving how ali integrates bloopers to create a light vibe when discussing a somewhat serious topic
Thanks!
I read the book because of a recommendation from one of your videos and I can assure you that it not only teaches us how to relate but also improve as a person. I am 21 years old and it causes me a bit of anxiety to see the difficulties that exist today, but the way he explains it makes it seem natural and normal. It is the kind of book that we should all read to get to know each other a little better and self-assess how we treat others.
Relationships and choosing “the one” are such big decisions! Many of us being perfectionists, we want to look for the “perfect” partner while forgetting there’s no such thing! I’d love to be a “satisficer” and relationships are all about compromise. But those 3 criteria - kind/compassionate, emotionally stable, growth mindset - I don’t think I can compromise on those! Good luck to all you finding your way through the world and looking for love ❤️
For sure ! I feel like it’s a huge gamble … this is when you gut and trust in god comes in 😊
You nailed it. 🙂
I feel like the 80/20 rule applies. Nobody's perfect, after all.
I'm so excited for you to go more into stuff like this! I feel like people don't talk about it and act like it's not that important.
Personally I wouldn’t refer to my own experience as a “spark” but more of a “click moment”. I think that “love at first sight” can be misleading because most of it is just physical attraction mixed with mild compatibility. The click moment on the other hand is something that most people have probably experienced with a friend or significant person in their life where you are just intellectually on the same page in almost every way and it just WORKS.
I’d like to add that we disagree as well and we challenge each other a lot but at the same time we have shared values, morals and mindset which in my opinion is FAR more valuable than the intense chemistry people get at the start. I’ve been with the person I had the click moment with for 4 years now and judging by what is written in this book it’ll probably last... shit just makes sense
But I definitely think that it is a real thing that happens if you just don’t put too much pressure on it, you have to be open to it! Great video Ali, thanks for talking about love more! The world needs it
⬆️⬆️⬆️📩⤴️.
OMG!! I have never read this book, but everything it says summarized my thoughts. I am a satisfiser and I never believe in the maximizer mindset. Recently I have a realization, after my recent breakup, that what I need in a life partner is a person who is emotionally concious, stable and mature, someone who is willing to learn, grow and develop, someone who has a mindset of a fighter and don’t easily give up. On top of my own standard. This realization comes up after I reflect on my recent breakup of a 4 year relationship and my past traumas from childhood.
Life is hard for 2 reasons :-
Either because you’re leaving your comfort zone or because you’re staying in it.
Leaving your comfort zone would tremendously increase the slope of your growth graph . great things is life is truly achieved by leaving your comfort zone.
Staying in your comfort zone would gradually decrease the slope of improvement , the slope of dreams you have , the slope of meaning of life you carried till now would eventually decrease due to ill effect of staying in your comfort zone.
~ Manas Seetharama
Reading before bed is one of the healthiest habits you can pick up in the digital age. So often screens are the last things you see before you go to her, and the first you reach for in the morning. Finding great book to add to the lost is always great.
I have realized this recently and developed this habit about a month now. Makes me more positive, allows better sleep, and overall better life
I read on my phone🤣
Lol this comment is making me read again today
@@aienbalosaienbalos4186 I am happy :) I love reading books 🤗📚
The emojis on the paper makes this sensitive topic more relatable and lighthearted. Looking forward to more content about relationships because Lord knows I need it 😂
Lewis Howes' interviews and relationship therapist Esther Perel are good sources.
And for communication skills, Eva Pompouros and Chris Voss are good too.
@@tinaperez7393 Are there books you could recommend? :)
This video is not about productivity, yet when I heard your voice I started looking at things I should do. I made your voice and videos as my conditioned reflex to be productive.
SAME lol
Same !!! It’s become a reflex
I am a dentist and I saw toothbrushes on the coverpage of this book so I clicked to watch it but nothing was mentioned about it haha; however, i am very happy that I watched this entire video and found it so useful as I currently search for a life partner. Thank you Ali!
Haha same!
U r so funny 😆 click in because of the toothbrush
Same journey! Best of luck!
Lol this made me laugh
I just recently read this book about a month ago and told all of my friends about it. I agree, it’s super helpful! I’m a hesitater so I never feel ready.
Word of the Day: ‘Satisficer’
E.g. “In a world of maximisers, be a satisficer.”
Satisficing - Herbert Simon won the Nobel Prize in Economics for developing that concept in 1978 :)
I talk about relationship pshychology and I just realised I have always been the hesitator. Just recently I decided to ignore London weather and just start dating people lol. For me it’s always been like let me do this first then I will be ready etc. Like study first, exam first, now job first, now bigger job first, now loose weight more!!
My tip: it starts with self awareness. Once you know you have this problem, just decide that you will ignore this problem for a while and just push yourself out there! ♥️
Thanks
Literally the best youtuber i found under 8 years of youtubing. Keep on going you're saving lives.
I paused the video on Tip # 1
I went on the google book previews and opened up this book.
I gave the quiz and my scores are:
Romanticizer: 13
Maximizer: 14
Hesitater: 15
After watching the Tip # 2 section I believe I am a satisficer, and yes it's GREAT!
Love the content here, also shout to the “Breakups dont have to leave you broken” TED talk you basically quoted word for word
Sounds like an interesting book, I'm definitely going to give it a read!
Curious, did the book discuss that research has indicated that in older age single women are actually happier than both men and married women, and they have stronger non romantic relationships and social networks? For me, this information is important, not because I think people should give up on the idea of meeting someone, but because it helps relieve the pressure of dating because being single, particularly as you get older, isn't actually a big deal.
thank you! I needed to hear this today. I am soon 40, been single for 8 years and even if I feel fine most of the time, there is a part of me feeling like a failure for having no man by my side
To give up on the idea of dating someone, it’s said so nicely 👍
I’m 52 and been single for quite a long time. But I love my own space and find friends to do fun things with. I’m not even sure what I’d do with a partner if that person was a noisy sleeper or messy. So I’m very happy being single but I also think about what potential joys there could be in finding a best friend.
The statistics Agree. My mum is 77= all her female peers are happy to have “no one to cater too” in their older years. I often hear that husbands are hard work and as they don’t confide in male friends it’s the wife who carries 100% of that mans needs. That putting others first with hunsnab and kids is over and they are finally free to do what they need to be happy. Older men statistically 50% re-marry in six months becuse they have very few social connections or support networks, mainlybecuse their wife has arranged all their family and social activities for decades.
I’ve always heard this type of research and truly does give me comfort tbh
just found your channel ali - and just wanted to say that this is the EXACT channel i have been trying to find. I AM SO HAPPY I found it!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for this. 🥰 I’m 25 and I’ve never felt insecure about being single until the last few months. I needed to remember that my time will come and continuing to work on what I can give to a relationship is key.
Same here. But I feel like I will never be satisfied of myself to actually go on dates. 😅
Epiphany Stage starting early.
I would be interested to see you cover more of this Ali! I think that will be a great idea!
That is amazing stuff !
I appreciate your take on relationships and love and such, definitely think we should put more thought and effort and time into them than we do
Because of this video I’m reading this book
And loving every single page! It’s very informative and engaging. Thanks!
Genuinely, one of the most thoughtful and adorable people on RUclips
Ali is so effective at concisely communicating the main arguments and overarching themes of the book that I was strongly considering buying the book until about minute 12, after which I was convinced I'd be wasting my time reading it on top of watching his video. The world is a better place because of your creations, Ali. Respect.
I haven't read the book, but I still recommend buying and reading it yourself! Although you get all the information from this video, you'll remember it better by consuming the points over time and with the context of the studies, etc. At least, that's been my experience in when I get the information in a short video vs. immerse myself in a book about a topic.
@@CarNumber9 Well said. I guess in an age of quick fixes and instant gratification we're tempted to think that intently watching a summary video could induce lasting change. I just bought the book on Kindle and will be immersing myself in it so I can synthesize the various arguments within the set context for personal application in my own unique way. Advice taken.
I hope Ali finds that special someone to spend the rest of his life with. Can't wait to meet the future Mrs. Abdaal. Tfs
You have probably heard this a million times but let me say this again - you are amazing , you have changed peoples lives , continue on this path , hurdles may come and go , but the impact you had on people’s lives are for eternity :)
The reason online dating doesn't work is because we're pressured to make a choice about someone based on their photo and, depending on the app, what they say about themselves. In the past, we had in-person social connections that allowed us to get to know potential partners without the pressure of selecting or not selecting them as a partner immediately. If we found that we hit it off with someone, we would typically see them a number of times before making a choice to things further. I believe partnerships in today's world fail because we are meeting people under the pressure of having to make a choice about them immediately. We either jump in and often times find we've made the wrong choice, or we have experienced so many wrong choices in the past that we don't choose anyone for fear of making another wrong choice.
I like how you talk quickly in videos. That doesn’t make them boring
I listened to the end because I just like your accent. I did learn a few things. But not in terms of dating. Great review. Thanks.
Regarding the question of “why aren’t there more books/videos/podcasts that discuss relationships?”- there are. Most of them are geared towards women, which is probably why they aren’t on your radar. I agree that there should be more content in this area geared toward men or a neutral audience.
Yeah there should be, not in a drag at men but it would be nice if women and men were on the same page
that feeling when you've been inspired by Ali to overall improve your life for the last several months, now you see how he talks about LOVE and impact on your this Love thing, too. Personally love it.
🙌🏻 😁
What a lovely comment! It seems he appreciated it too - sending you love back 😁
@@saraklondon yeah, of course
Love= Trust +Care + Understanding, having these components makes the relationship more stable.
also sacrife
Bi Ali, i just love the speed of your talk! So great to get that amount of information in such a short amount of time. Normally I get bored listening to most of the videos on you tube - thank you for you of changing the speed of audio books. Keep up the great work. Cheers from Germany
As a person who've spent several years on the dating market and met my now husband on the dating app, I can say that all things highlighted in this video are really valuable, and I wish I knew it sooner.
The only thing I was scared is dying Alone.
But at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship as I get scared of short term relation, I just want someone for lifelong.
Ali may seem aloof and awkward, but he literally seems like a fun person to hang out with and just cool in general.
Backhanded compliment tbh
This video came just in the right moment! Realized I am a maximizer who's been trying to become a satisficer but still entertains the thought of maybe there's someone better out there. Thanks, Ali!
Interesting concept about maximisers and satificers. I must have decided that for me, satisficing is stop looking. It was a good decision. I feel good about it. I'm emotionally stable with a growth mindset. I think I love me.
what’s missing is to tell people that they themselves also have to have those traits they’re looking for in a partner
so looking for someone who is emotionally stable, you yourself have to be emotionally stable as well, working on your emotional intelligence and healing any emotional wounds, attachment style
and when you’re looking for someone who can communicate when there’s a problem, you yourself also have to have this skill of assertive communication and conflict resolution
Thank you for making this video! I'm a high school student, and I've been watching your videos for a long time. Recently, I'm also worried about some relationships in my life. Not only about love, but also friendships and family issues. I'm looking forwards to watching some videos about relationships in your channel. always support you~
I'm curious to read this book. I liked the big points you talked about in this video. I've learned that when it comes to relationships, it's not about what you want, but what's right for you. Thanks, Ali
I completely agree with you Ali. If you have way too many options, it would be hard for you to make a decision. The same rule applies to why apple sticked to having at least 3 colors on their Macbook selections. (i.e. silver, space gray and rose gold)
i can't fully wrap my head around the fact how much i enjoyed this video, thank you!
Finally someone who talks as fast as i do while going on small banters and laughing about them
I honestly believe that the two last traits are enough to make it a good relationship - someone who is emotionally unstable can be a great partner too - you just have to listen to them - accept that they are not always what you need - and they HAVE to have the growth-mindset, knowing that they are not quite emotionally stable right now, but that they are working on it. I have been with my partner for 9 years now, and one of us had a depression when we met - not an issue, if you both are willing to talk and understand each other. And none of you are going to be emotionally stable throughout an entire relationship, unless its a single day, you can probably do a day.
Very well said
On some level I agree with you. But I've also felt it first hand what it means to have an unstable partner. It's what ruined it in the end. Some trauma needs to be worked through before a healthy relationship is possible. Otherwise you'll try and convince them when they are constantly looking for reasons not to trust you.
This is a very calculated way of approaching relationships. I’m old school: things happen, go with the flow.
Only dead fish 🐟 go with the flow
So does this mean you have found love Ali, I’ll be looking out for the reveal!
Just watched this video, loved it. I’m over 60 and just entered the dating world and your advice is just what I needed now.
yay from overthinking to ali abdaal i want to know more from his side of friendships, relationships and love. I really can't wait
Really interesting about the 'prom date' approach. I'm the complete opposite (looking for stability and long term partnership) but have found that dating in London almost exclusively means meeting someone with that prom date approach. I don't know what it is about this city, but it's like everyone's chasing the dopamine and expecting perfection at the first go.
This is a great video with solid tips tbh.
I notice that when a relationship has a down period or people's flaws are revealed, social media offers some people a false sense of security that there is someone better giving them validation via likes , when in reality those people have just as many flaws as well, though not obviously present on their profile feed. Its easy to look at the best qualities that people allow you to see, assume that they are perfect, and assume that your current relationship is the problem. Sometimes your relationship actually is the problem but there is a caveat. This validation is only external and may very well go up in flames once your own internal flaws are revealed to them. Everyone has flaws but it comes down to whose flaws you're willing to accept and work with.
If one is to "jump ship" to the next best thing solely based off initial superficial qualities, then they will be in a perpetual state of being in new relationships forever, as there always is something slightly better / different in everyone, and essentially wind up relationship-less in the end.
No ! reading books about love and relationships isn’t dumb or weird . I believe that almost everything has a formula and we should strive to figure that out and implement it in our lives . Dating without having a clue about what you should be looking for in order to have a healthy relationship is like randomly shooting arrows in the dark .
buying this book tbh. the fighting part got me. as well as the growth mindset! I ended my last relationship due to those things
I love the way he talks! I love that he talks pretty fast, but slows down to emphasize certain points! What a great speaker! I’m in loveeee 🥰
Dating is hard in London, it's like the cocktail of too much choice and highly ambitious and successful people creates an "almost impossible" difficulty level. Hope people read this book or at least watch this video, might help.
I think with me, I always want more or something different, might be wired wrongly. I think that I need to fight the way I am to actually find some sustained happiness.
Will definitely have a read.
It took me until my mid 20’s to realise, love not lust. It’s akin to the author saying “prom date”.
Generally, surface value stuff like that, certain looks, vices, etc (lust) will fade after 6 months.
It’s then the deeper parts that will reveal; values and integrity (or lack of) etc. if those are aligned, that’s then love.
This is great advice. However, I feel that the categories are a bit over-simplified. The characteristics of the hesitator and the maximiser sound a bit like fears of relationships. And if that's the case, the individual has a lot of other stuff to work through, than just look for someone, who is good enough.
That's a very good point. Being overly critical of others can be a coping mechanism. I'll reject you before you can reject me. Hesitation can also be fear or procrastination. I'll only go for it if everything is perfect, therefore never.
i've been curently reading this book and found out that i'm some where between a Hesitator and a Maximiser. Never thought i would be learning about dating and realationships through a book but this one helped a big deal, and i totally recommend to all the lost souls out there who might need a hand in the dating world.
Love your choice of bgm! It's so calming and simply nice, not too pushy but just nice : )
I can’t help but laugh while watching this. This is so Ali. Ali is like ‘How to productively get a meaningful relationship’. Soon ‘How to have a productive relationship’😂.
Plus, it makes me think about this statement ‘We don’t know what we want’. I supposed it’s true . But we sure do know what we don’t want.