Comedian Steven Wright Reveals Which of His Jokes Is His All-Time Favorite | The Rich Eisen Show
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- Comedian Steven Wright joins Rich Eisen in-studio where he reveals which of his thousands of classic jokes is his all-time favorite and how he developed his signature deadpan style.
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"Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time" -Steven Wright
Genius and hilarious
"One day I walked into my apartment and realized everything was replaced with an exact replica". Love this man.
Google Maps agrees: it'll let me select Walking directions even if it will take days.
i use that one all the time
The level of in-articulate speech that masterfully hits the spot leaves my gut hurting. He’s like the opposite of Carlin, but still just as hilarious.
I love his joke about getting pulled over for speeding. The cop says, “The speed limit is 50 miles per hour” and he says, “I wasn’t gonna be out that long.”
That's a good point
I love that joke too
Yeah, I am planning to go only 10 miles in an hour, at the rate of ten miles every minute.
same as going to the 24hour convience store and its closed, and the guy locking the place up when Steven points out the "open 24 hours sign" tell him "Not in a row"
'I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place'.
My favorite Steven Writght line, "yesterday, I...........no, that wasn't me"
I still use it. Brilliant. I’ve taught my 12 year old daughter to use it with her teachers. They’ll get the joke. Her friends won’t. Can’t wait for the calls from the school. 🤣🤣
Classic SW!
"Two years ago.... No, wait. It was last night."
My late father’s favorite thing in life was telling jokes. When he was hospice dying, half unconscious the last thing I heard him say was a joke. For his birthdays and Christmas, I would buy us tickets to comedy shows. The last one I took him to before it was too hard for him to get around was Steven Wright. He told those jokes for weeks afterward. Thanks Steven for the memories.
Some people are like that. My father was funny his whole life and now he's entering into that stage of life. I call him a part time resident of himself. Yet when I see him he still makes me laugh. I tell him the last thing that will remain of you will be your sense of humor. And it's true. It's his core essence.
👏👏👏👏
@@darioinfini But, do you make him laugh?
And what's it like if you do?
Fantastic. Thanks for sharing.
AAA?
I have been listening to Steven Wright for almost 40 years. The absolute best dead pan comedian ever!
He is!! Steven Wright brings belly laughs
Jake Johannsen has a characteristic delivery too, he acts super anxious and it's hilarious. Mitch Hedberg has that stoner best friend delivery.
*Steven: "The other day I was at the Canadian Border, they asked 'Do you have any blank?' "*
*I said, "what do you need?"*
@@KNR6292😊4😅😊😅😅😅😅😅😅😅4😊😊😅
⁴😅4😊😅😂😅😊⁴⁴😅4😅😅😅😅😅😅4😂😅44😅4444😅😅 😊444444😊😅😅⁴😅444😊44😅😅😊😊⁴😅😅😊😅😊😊😊😊😅44😅😅4😅4😅😅 😊44😅4⁴😅4😅😊😊4😅😅😊😊😅😅😅😅😊😅
😅😊😊😊4
To this day, when I hear someone say "it's a small world", I always reply, " but I'd hate to have to paint it". Thanks Steven.
same
That's my email signature.🤣
I use that all the time.
My mother was telling me a story recently to which she mused, "it's a small world." Without even thinking I said, "but I wouldn't wanna paint it." She didn't know what the hell I was saying!
Same!!!
One of my favorite comedians ever. "I put instant coffee in the microwave and I almost went back in time."
I bought a microwave fireplace. I can spend all night in front of the fire in 20 minutes.
I pretty much have "I Have A Pony" memorized
I bought some powdered water, and I didn't know what to add. 😂
"I also bought some batteries but they weren't included..."
I read that in my mind with Steven's voice and laughed out loud :D
His best joke came at the Academy Awards when he won for Best Short Film (yes, that really happened). His acceptance speech was... "Now, I'm glad I cut the last hour-and-a-half out of the movie. Thank you."
Did Goliath type this comment, Davey? hehe
LOL!
haha! excellent
Oh, that just made me laugh SO hard!
🤣Hilarious! Steven Wright definitely one of my most favorites!
My favorite is, "99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name."
“There’s a fine line between ‘fishing’ and ‘standing by a river looking stupid’.” My favorite SW joke!
That is a perfect joke!
I think that is the best written joke I have ever seen.
My favorite: “My friend has a circular driveway, he can’t get out.” SW-😂
haha! amazing
🎉I literally opened the comments to say that… that’s the truest joke ever
My favorite was, “I went to a General Store once, they wouldn't let me purchase anything specific."
Isn't there one about an "inconvenience store", or is that a Far Side comic?
Or a corporal, either...
I remember " went to the convenience store and the guy was closing up, I said hey it says open 24 hours, and he said yeah, but not in a row". This man's brain is truly unique.😂
“If you melted dry ice could you swim without getting wet?” The best.
LOL!
I'll have to ask Tony.
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?" Still comes to mind whenever I hear people talking about running out of room to buy more stuff. Love this guy's stand up.
Everywhere. Most of his jokes just take one more step, if you actually paid attention.
My favorite of his is "With all the sponges in the ocean, you'd think the water wouldn't be so high."
The reason sea level is rising is because they keep taking sponges out to sell.
"Sponges grow in the ocean...... that kills me"
Two of my favorites:
I once worked at a fire hydrant company, couldn't find a place to park anywhere.
I went into Denny's and the sign said, "Breakfast anytime". So I order French toast in the eighteen century.
*"… So I ordered French toast in the Renaissance…"
Love the joke… Went to a store, saw a sign that says Open 24 Hours… saw a guy locking the doors… asked him, I thought you were open 24 hours… he looked at me and said.. NOT IN A ROW.
Love this guy so much. 😂😂😂
Exactly!
😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
My favorite of his too!
That’s my favourite too! I tell it all the time! 😂😂😂
HAHAHAHAHHSHA
"I crossed the border into Canada. They asked me if I had any firearms. I said 'What do you need?' " My favourite.
I never heard that one! It's absolutely awesome!
Hahaha! I have never heard that one and I have listened to many, many of his jokes.
I work as a mental health recreational therapist: I use a lot of Steven’s jokes to lighted the mood in certain groups I run. He is a genius. Thank you Steven, been a fan for multiple decades.
Great idea. I think humor is the only thing that can save humanity. This man is an absolute Mozart when it comes to comedy, incredibly gifted mind.
At first glance, I thought you were a fan of multiple sclerosis.
@@duderama6750 what if you had multiple sclerosis and multiple personality disorder. so there's other people inside you, but they couldn't make it up the stairs to the brain today.
"I work as a mental health recreational therapist" I read that thinking it was an SW Line to a joke!
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
Best joke ever.
I'll make 1 for you Steven.
That'll be $200. Do not pass Go. Just pay me.
"I bought some dehydrated water ...but I didn't know what to add"😂😂😂 that line cracked me up so much as a kid, it's still the 1st thing I think if every time I hear his name. Dude is brilliant....best schtick comic ever.
powdered
“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday’.”
You know Wright is incredible when the comments with his jokes makes you laugh out loud! Never laughed so much reading comments! He's awesome.
My favorite: I was in Vegas and got into a furious argument with a roulette dealer over what he considered an odd number.
🤣
“I was breastfed by my Grandmother, now I can only drink milk past it’s expiration date.” ~ Steven Wright LEGEND 👑
Never heard that before - its wonderful. I just said it to myself with Steve's deadpan voice and a pause in just the right place.
Steven was born via C-section..you cant really notice but whenever he leaves the house he goes out thru a window
Steven''s " I plan to live forever, so far so good" works well at the Dr's. office
"I once accidentally swapped my car keys for the house keys. When I put the ignition key in the door it started up the house. So I drove it around for awhile. A cop eventually pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said: 'Right here.'" Classic.
Wright is the legend that didn't die. Nice to see him still around.
I didn't even know he was sick.
"I went to the hardware store and got some used paint. It was in the shape of a house." He is so absurdly hilarious. :-)
"Bought some powdered water but, I don't know what to add. Then I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy 'em again"! Unmatchable.👍
I want a new special from this guy so bad. Gravity and Wicker Chairs is one of the best. I could go all day. "No matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature" is one of my favorites. He truly is the Confusious of comedy.
Everything you eat is bite-sized.
"Rolled through a stop sign, cop pulls me over says hey you know you rolled through that stop sign?, I said i don't believe everything i read"
"The guy who wrote the alphabet song wrote everything" is the best joke by anyone ever. Craig Ferguson really needs another show so he and Steven Wright can get together again, they had some of the best chemistry ever.
You’re so right… Steven, Craig Ferguson, Bill Burr, Norm McDonald, and Dennis Miller each made me laugh out loud and think deeper later.
Oh yeah? I got to check that out
What’s the joke?
I like the joke about hitchhiking and being picked up a car carrier:
There was no room in the truck, so he let me ride in one of the cars.
He picked up 6 more hitchhikers.
Each one of us got our own car.
Then he was stopped for speeding, and the cop gave us all tickets.
😂
That's actually Sergio Aragones's jokes from MAD comics (in the bottom margin of a page -- I actually have that issue).
There is a truck carrying these new cars and a cop gives speeding ticket to the driver of the truck -- and also to all the cars that the truck is carrying.
"I got a humidifer and dehumifier for my birthday, so I put em in a room together and let em fight it out"
"I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw this guy pushing this long line of shopping carts and i yelled to him, 'Hey, somebody else might want to use one of those", - Steven Wright
Good one Descendentsfools,
never heard it b4!
🤣
My favorite Steven wright line " I woke up and everything in my house had been replaced with an exact replica" that is like Haiku for the paranoid. True genius
Definitely one of my favorites too!
That was the first one I thought of as a favorite. :D
“Stolen, and replaced with…”
Do I know you?
@@AmanOU2be I not sure if I even know myself but if anybody opened a conversation with you with "I woke up this morning..." or " I was an only Child....eventually"......could be. Respect to all.
I always liked, " I have a map of the United States....actual size". Runner up for me is, " He was a peripheral visionary, he saw into the future, but way off to the side". He had lots of nuggets. Lol
Way off to the side😂😂😂
... It's a b**** to fold. People ask me where I live, I say "E5".
@@skierpage , I forgot that additional quip! Lol
"I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier and put them in the same room and let them fight it out"
Has anyone every tried that out?
One of my favorites ALL TIME! "Thoughts about the past always bring back memories."
Sounds like a quote from Kamala. 😂
"Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories..."!
A similar one from SW is: "I sometimes reminisce about people I have never met"
"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths." My favorite Steven Wright pun.
Not a pun, but I agree it's one of his best.
@@johnchurch3431 I thought about the use of the word pun right after I wrote that. Thanks. lol
And that's basically agoraphobia.
I actually feel that way. I love to go to the mountains but I really don't like going to flatlands or the beach. I like to feel like theres something around me. Feels more vulnerable in wide open spaces.
I said it before and I'll say it again. Steven Wright is the Salvador Dalí of stand-up.
YES ! Great comparison !
"I lost a button hole... where am I gonna find a button hole?" Steven Wright is one of my absolute favorites
His jokes and Mitch Hedberg jokes are gold. Some people don't get em. Hilarious
I used to get these types of jokes... I still do, but I used to, too.
Hedberg was a poor impersonation of Wright.
Yep the two best one liner comedians
Two favorites:" I put Instant Coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time." "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths."
LOOOOOL!!!!
I think the coffee line is my favourite too.
It was great to see Steven get such a kick out of this crew.
I busted when Steve told them he wasn’t actually at a funeral. You guys thought it was real. 😂😂😂😂
That was such an awesome banter.
"My dog is a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him"
Saw him live some years ago. He told some jokes that had me laughing so hard it took my breath away and then added another punch line and there was no air left in my lungs to expel more laughter. I literally thought I was going to die of suffocation. I actually had the question in my mind, "Wow, I wonder if anyone has ever died at a comedy club of suffocation?"
Cheers\=/\=/
I had that exact same experience at a Robin Williams comedy show, I remember thinking, "I hope the next joke isn't funny so I can take a breath!"
What is wrong with you guys? If I can't die saving someone, my next wish is to die laughing.
I had this exact experience until he was 3 jokes past the one I was laughing at.
To die laughing, I can think of worse ways!
He's been one of my favorite comedians since the 80's. And he is phenomenal live. Severely underrated.
He's not underrated, lol, the dude's a stand-up legend!
was. in the '80's. this is just canned laughter zzzzz
Ye, I'm pretty sure he is QUITE HIGHLY RATED, and has been a "household name" since the early 80's bro. His Carson appearances are MONUMENTS, and he has had a zillion roles in movies and TV, and, he has 1 Oscar win, out of 6 nominations!
@@Cosmo-Kramer PRECISELY! He is QUITE HIGHLY RATED, and revered my EVERY comedian, and has been a "household name" since the early 80's. His Carson appearances are MONUMENTS, and he has had a zillion roles in movies and TV, and, he has 1 Oscar win, out of 6 nominations!
stop it
My favorite Stephen Wright joke was “I had an apartment that had a light switch by the front door that never worked, but out of habit I would always flip it on and off whenever I came and went. Then one day years late I got a letter from a woman in East Germany that said “quit it”. 😂
My favourite Stephen Wright joke of all time is: I'm cesarian born, you can't tell, but every time I leave the house, I go out the window ...
I did the exact same thing when I was a child! I couldn’t repeat the Carlin or Eddie Murphy jokes, but I had cassettes of Steven Wright and absolutely loved them, so I was 10 years old telling my friends these jokes and sometimes writing them down because they were hilarious. And he’s one of the few comedians that I think can actually be hilarious to a ten year old and just as funny to an adult.
Me, too. Would watch with my best friend, we memorized his whole specials, and I still quote Steven Wright in some context at least a couple of times a week.
Not sure many 10 year olds would get the jokes, but then again some 40 year olds don't get them either. Lol
@@toolrammsteindeftones Oh, there were definitely ones that I didn't get at the time and others that I thought I got but realized a couple years later that I hadn't, but lots of his jokes I think can appeal to all ages. His ant/rice one was my favorite when I was little, and I still find it hilarious, especially with 2-3 distinct punchlines.
My favorite - sometimes you can’t hear me because I’m in parentheses 😂😂😂
"Hello, Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein" is my favorite Steven Wright punchline.
Mine too!
Yes!!!!!!!!
"When I was a child, we had a sandpit.
It was a quicksand pit.
I was an only child......eventually."
I love to use the last line without the sand pit lead in when people ask if I have any brothers or sisters.....always stops the conversation dead.
Boy, did the host butcher it. It's a tall order, Steven's delivery, but that really didn't do the joke justice.
Favorite part of any Steven set is when he comes out and says... 'thanks..' Gets me every time.
I don’t get it.
@@chezchezchezchez They are applauding heavy for him when he comes onto the stage and Steven does what he does with a super low-key 'thanks'
@@travisjazzbo3490 Totally correct.
Totally underrated. I mean, we all know how great he is. But you rarely hear him talked about as one of the great, but he simply is.
Not exactly an acquired taste but his stuff is too abstract for a lot of people I think. Like, it's not topical or really grounded in reality in any way so if you can't enter his world you won't see what's funny.
@@Veaseify also some people need a more hyper approach to make them feel like its a comic event. Like Robin Williams, rest in peace. Comic legend. But honestly, I didn't find him so funny. He had his moments of course. But he was such a buzzsaw of comedy that I found that people were laughing just because they felt they should be, and he was coaxing the laughs out of the audience. He could tell 5 fast jokes in a row. The first one funny, the next 3 not, then end with funny again, but fans would be rolling the entire time as if it was 5 funny jokes.
Steven Wright uses nothing but humor. He has stripped away all tricks and energy. The jokes themselves are so deep usually. Sometimes it takes a second, and then boom. In fact, his delivery is anti-energy. He sells his jokes while putting himself at a disadvantage of sounding bored and uninspired. ThAT is how funny he is. Sam Kinison was another overrated comic. Jokes surrounded by hyper delivery, screaming, etc. As if "I think I'm supposed to be laughing really hard right now, because he's putting in so much effort, so I'll laugh until everyone else stops"
STOP SAYING UNDERRATED FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!
Back in the 80s, when the alternative comedy scene was really blooming, he was just in a league of his own. I don't think he got the recognition (or the money) that he deserved, but he was AA list from an audience point of view.
"Somebody broke in my house last night and stole everything but replaced it with an exact replica"
My favorite was always "I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
I got to see Steven Wright when he came through Iowa about 7 years ago. Made sure I got to see him. It was at a small casino. He mostly told his “greatest hits” and a lot of the audience didn’t get the act at first. I don’t think most of them knew who he was. But after a few of his real zingers, the real brain busters, the crowd warmed up. Their was an old woman actually crying from laughter (she was also pretty wasted). He got multiple standing ovations throughout the show. I’m happy he’s still around. He is a lesser known legend to the public but so many comedians cite him as an influence and a good friend.
I saw him live too a few years ago. I mean there are a lot of great comedians, but none weirder and funnier than this guy. He's so unique, because unlike most comedians who get their material from making relatable observations about things or their experiences, Steven is coming up with stuff that doesn't relate to anything in life, with tremendous creativity. Like "I was out in the desert and a UFO landed. Three 1 inch tall guys came up to me. I asked them 'are you really one inch tall?' They said 'no, we're really very far away'." I mean for those who can appreciate him, I think the guy is a savant/genius. One of the funniest people who has ever lived.
An impossible task, ...to pick my favorite Steven Wright joke, nearly every one of them is beyond hilarious, ... but If had to pick 2, ...I'd go with the 2 that I quote most often. 1) "I want to get a tattoo over my entire body ..of ME ...but TALLER!" lololol and 2) "I went to unlock my houses front door, but I put my car key in the knob, ....so I started it up my house and drove around it around! ...lolol... then I parked in the middle of the highway and yelled out to everyone "Get the hell out of my driveway!" lolololololol
My favorite joke of his and I still use it to this day is, "Day one, Still tired from the move".
The one that always gets me is: “This morning, I folded my bed back into a couch. I nearly broke both arms because it’s not that kind of bed.”
I did a comedy contest once and one of the judges said I reminded them of Steven Wright a little bit. So far it's the best compliment I have gotten.
Yeah, you're comment sounds exactly like his voice.
Maybe it was your hair?
This was priceless, I haven't seen of heard anything from him in years so it was nice to see him still going and you guys were a great crew to host him!
I ended up here because a friend texted me one of his jokes, I said "he was awesome, I wonder what ever happened to him?" My friend said "didn't he die?" So I looked him up and saw that he's 67 and very much alive! I told my friend Steven probably would have thought that was funny! 🤣
“If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer?”
You can tell how appreciative Steven is of the guy telling his elementary school story. So cool. Steven is a master comedian!
There is no one like Steven Wright...love this guy
Making entire comedy routines using nothing but one liners and really short bits is extremely difficult. There's a reason why so few comedians go that route.
Mitch Hedberg (RIP) was similar.
"How old are you kid?"
"I'm six."
"When I was your age I was seven."
Wright is a brilliant comedic mind with superb deadpan delivery.
Deadest pan ever, lol.
Hard to imagine him just bellylaughing but that AA, AAA, 9 volt really made him laugh. That was a clever question after the battery thing.
But a 9 volt battery cannot be connected incorrectly ..... it only fits one way !
My favorite Steven Wright joke: "I told my wife I was going out for walk." "How long are you going to be gone?" -- "The whole time...."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know". - Steven Wright
"granted it takes longer"
Steven Wright is a massive legend.
My favorite is the one about eating a bag of Oreo cookies in the dentists waiting room before your appointment. That one tore me up!🤣
I heard it as "My dental hygienist is very attractive, so..."
I've actually done that. Seriously why do the work for them? It's like cleaning up before the maid comes.
That grandfather battery punchline hits you out of nowhere. And I was right with the Rich Eisen crew thinking that was a real story.
His sense of humor is a breath of fresh air.
I'll have to use that next time I go to the funeral home. You think that's crazy but the funniest stuff ever said in my family came from funerals. Like my aunt leaning over my uncles casket, crying and saying he had the cutest buns.
My favorite jokes that he said in his standup was probably how he loved to collect things and he has a large shell collection that he keeps scattered across the beaches of the world and then he asks “maybe you have seen it?”. Or how he talked about how he has a map of the united states that is the actual size and the last summer before he folded it. When people ask him where he lives, he says E5. he is a genius. 😂😂😂
"When I think of the past, it brings up so many memories." S. Wright
My favorite Steven Wright jokes:
I bought powdered water but didn't know what to add.
I went to the store and bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
Saw this guy live in Australia over 20 years ago. Just amazing.
"I had a dream... All the babies prevented by the pill came back... They were pissed." My favorite of Steven's jokes.
Me too 😅
“My dental hygienist is cute so I ate a package of Oreos in the waiting room”
' I went to a museum that had all the hands and feet from all the statues in the
other museums' SW is one of the all time best.
"my grandmother said, come over here. i said why? she said just come over here. so i went over. she said here's $5, don' t tell your mother i gave it to you. i said, it'll cost you more than that". he doesn't have to tell off color jokes to be funny.
in some tellings he uses 'i said what do you mean? she said youre over there i want you to come over here' 😂
I use to do Steven Wright stand up as a kid too, I still do Steven Wright, but I use to, too.
It looks like only 7 people got this joke.
Nine
Hedberg ripoff
@@earthsucks9555 Tribute, not ripoff.
Not that he needs to do it or needs to prove anything, but I really think the younger generations nowadays would really appreciate a new special from him. He is THE master of deadpan/non-sequitur jokes.
I soooo agree. With the intelligence of today's audience, & random, dark or dry humor bigger than ever. I think he would totally leave a young audience rolling. He's got the skill....& Is much smarter than hell ever show in public.
OMG the battery joke. The brilliance of taking a fairly morbid, somber situation and finding humor in it. That's so amazing. Bravo. Steven Wright has to be at least in the top 10 of all time.
To this day, whenever someone mentions a cul-de-sac, I always think (and sometimes ask aloud) "Is it a one-way road?" Rarely results in a laugh from them, it's just for me! Thank you Professor Wright!!!
Same!
TBH, that was my favorite one as well.
His scene in So I Married an Axe Murderer was one of my favorites. Brilliant!
He matches his socks by thickness and He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of widths.
"One morning I woke up and realized that during the night someone had snuck in and replaced everything in the room with an exact replica."
I told my roommate, and he said, "Do I know you?"
Boston has pumped out a lot of the comedians I appreciate..
"I was Caesarian-born. Of course, you can't really tell except that when I leave the house I go out through a window."
I've done that.
One of my favorites: I have the world's largest seashell collection. I keep it scatter across beaches all over the world.
“Maybe you’ve seen it.”
It's not just his jokes, it's that voice to go with it that makes the jokes funny..
I also remember most of all your jokes and say them to this day. “Like having the largest sea shell collection, maybe you’ve seen them, i keep them on the beach’s around the world” or “you can’t have everything, where would you put it”. “They say practice makes perfect then they say nobody is perfect” or “naming your dog Stay, Come here stay. Genius
"There's a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
Good old Massachusetts boy seen him many times in Boston. Always a good time.
Everything is in walking distance, if you have the time. 😂😂 My favorite S.W. joke of all.
"I was at a restaurant and the menu said 'breakfast anytime'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
I never heard that casket joke and I love it. I used to flip batteries around until I got a battery meter and understand polarity. 😂
Making a professional comedian really laugh is the best!
He's freaking hilarious!!! So many to choose from that it's impossible to have a favorite SW joke... One of my favorites is... I've been getting into astronomy lately so I installed a skylight.... The people that live above me are furious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍
“Why don’t your socks match?”
“I don’t go by color. I go by thickness.”
Since his improv days in the 80s...always ❤ Steven!!!
My friends and I back then would quote all his jokes and saying it in the same monotone way lol!!!
"....hermits have no peer pressure... "