Not to detract from your message at all, Coach, but I’ve got to stop watching these videos. Everyone’s. It’s just keeping me in a place that I desperately need to move away from. My relationship with her is over, I’ll always think that’s a shame, and I’ll always love her. But continuing to rethink the past and what I might have done differently is anchoring me to that pain.
Great idea Bob. These videos keep people in a constant state of limerence over their ex. Best to start the new year fresh with positivity and changes you will benefit from.
I have to say that this has been the hardest period of my life going through this with an avoidant. The holidays and both of our birthdays have came and went(2 days apart),but both have been extremely difficult. It saddens me to think that this person may never be happy and I might not either.
It will not change. Bite the bullet and ride the misery ride. You will come out stronger and wiser. I did it two years (engaged/ring and all). It's been 5 months, I still think about it every day. Be kind to yourself. It's something you must heal from. Just remember: you deserve better.
I’m having the exact same experience. 3 months no contact after I had to walk away to save myself. This is the worse breakup I have ever been through and wondering if I will ever move on.
I came to the realization during my avoidant eras that I was willing to connect with any and every type of person like a drug. I offer that people begin to depersonalize the behaviors of the "avoidant" because you may be thinking you were rejected solely because you're secure and emotionally available. One has to consider that you were just a dopamine hit for a neurodivergent and/or psychologically disconnected person. One of many whether friends, family, or partners. It may be more than just "I showed them love and they couldn't handle it." There is also "you were fun for the moment". "You like the same things I like, let's play." Closeness with you wasn't an option not because of fear but simply because of boredom. Personality styles are going to tell you more about the interaction. Your love is for YOU. It's shared not given. From that perspective, you'll never offer yourself as an external neurotransmitter ever again.
Again, a word salad that has little meaning. Not saying that the majority of people don't have emotional work to do, almost everybody does. Though you can not blame the victims of DAs, for the insecurities that fuel the DAs behavior. Things can take time to be recognized and when someone is abused/mistreated you don't blame the victim for trying.
Ummm avoidants and anxious attached people are EVERYWHERE. It’s extremely common. There isn’t a state or country where everyone is just securely attached
According to Thais Gibson anxious and dismissive types are more drawn to fearful avoidants (disorganized) than to each other. As avoidants and anxious types are just too opposite to make it past the dating stage. But a fearful avoidant can give the avoidant some of the space they seek and the anxious type some of the reaching out they seek. I theorize anxious types are especially drawn to FAs who lean avoidant and avoidants are especially drawn to FAs who lean anxious. ------------------------------ I would argue that he Book "Hold Me Tight" describes an avoidant & fearful-avoidant dynamic. Where the fearful avoidant protests for the relationship (anxious) but then later freezes and flees (avoidant). Correctly if I'm wrong, but I don't see a purely anxious type ever freezing and fleeing, even after the avoidant turns things around.
Wow... Wife of 4 yrs left Xmas morning. Feel like you just described her perfectly. She was abandoned by her parents at 4 yrs old and grew up in foster/group homes where she experienced a lot of trauma until 18. Our biggest issue is her incessant belief that I prioritize my daughter's over her. There is absolutely no compromise in her world. She is either my number one priority at all times or not. In this case, I must have forgot to inform her that my oldest daughter was coming over on Christmas morning to join us and then spend the night with us. Mind you, we both have two kids each from our priors and our younger children were going to be here anyway. So, I didn't think it was a problem for my oldest to join us and spend the night, too as she's not visited here in a year! However, my wife absolutely lost it when I told her on Xmas morning. She screamed at me, cussed at me and told me she was leaving...all because she claims I made my adult daughter a priority over her and made plans with my daughter without discussing them with my wife first. Seriously...that's why she left in a fit of rage! For the last couple of years everyone believes she has been trying to push my daughters out of my life. It's as if she wants me to focus only on her and anyone else that I care for is a threat to her. Our presents are still under the tree. She did come back late Christmas night but she's sleeping in a different room now giving me complete silent treatment. She sent a note to say she will be out in 6 weeks. I feel like I'm living in a surreal dream right now. This can't be happening.
That sucks man... hate to say it, but she's emotionally manipulating you, probably unintentional, it's how she's dealing with her pain. Unfortunately there is not much you can do but you do need to set boundaries and care for yourself.
@@live2win Thank you, man. I appreciate your advice. Can you explain what you mean by setting boundaries? I'm not sure what kind of boundaries to set. She's not even speaking with me and I refuse to chase her.
@@ctgeorgia setting boundaries means, making it clear what behaviours you do not accept, with the intent to care for your emotional well-being, because clearly she's not capable at the moment, she is having a tantrum at your expense. When/If you chase her, she feels more in control, you are effectively enabling her to control you, through emotional manipulation. You need to put yourself first and tell her, this lack of empathetic communication is unhealthy and I am not tolerating it. This will come down to your self-worth, are you secure without her? I understand how hard this would be when you share custody of kids. You know what, the best thing you can do, is nothing, just try to chill... remember, shes angry and has chucked the shits... just like a toddler, you can't do anything accept wait for the storm to settle.
@@live2win I really appreciate the advice. It means a lot. This is a first for me. I've never dealt with anything like this before. She's moved into another bedroom in the house and has not spoken a single word to me since she cussed me out on Christmas morning. She's the one that threatened to leave, and I told her I didn't want this to end in my note back to her. I don't feel like I should have to keep making an effort now. In fact, I'm just sitting downstairs in my chair watching football games. ;) I've stated my position and that we should talk. I feel like the ball is in her court now and she should make the next move. The problem is she's extremely prideful and stubborn. She may not make a move. I feel like it's a stalemate, but I don't want to cave. I do feel like it's up to her now and that I shouldn't chase. So, if she does not attempt to engage in the next several days or more...what do you think I should do?
Thankyou it all starts to make more sense why my relation ship went downhill with my avoidant ex. As a anxious myself i started to heal and became more secure. When i got more stable he pulled away.. instead of fighting for the relationship he started to withdraw and completely ingnored my feelings.. we grew apart 😢 but i loved him dearly and i am now learning that he was an avoidant..
How can you gently motivate and support a friend in addressing their avoidant behaviors, ensuring they feel understood and respected? I want to support and encourage him to find help, but I also aim to be sensitive and not hurt his feelings. Thank you.
Narcassists not attracted to dismissive avoidants, they get nothing off them both are takers. Narcassitic people's attracted to anxious, so they can use them.
Not the case at all. Many, many dismissive avoidants get into relationships with narcissists. They tend to become more “anxious” in the relationship with a narc. What a narcissist needs is an insecure person that they can manipulate and extract supply from, they don’t need someone who’s anxiously attached.
It’s not as rare as you think. I encounter it with my clients all the time. Keep in mind, most DA’s become “anxious” with a narcissist. Also, keep in mind, not ALL narcissists use the same tactics. Some are very overtly controlling (the ones that usually wind up with anxious attachers), but many are more passive aggressive and less involved, and these are the ones that more often wind up with DAs.
Narcissists can be attracted to anyone. Anxious, avoidant, secure. An anxious attacher is easier prey, but I imagine they feel incredible if they can break down a strong willed avoidant or secure person. I was with a narcissist once and he would get so angry that I wouldn't let him control me. It didn't last because I imagine I was useless to him. I know a couple of dismissive avoidants who ended up with abusive narcissistic people. It did a number on them.
What causes an avoidant to leave? An avoidant will never leave if they find peace in their relationship, as they are naturally seekers of peace . Anxious people don’t try to get through your walls-they break in.
I dont know how to stop missing her. Its been 6 months since she crushed me and I still hurts the same. I've never been this devastated by a person in my life and I've been through a divorce before. I've met lots of women since but I continously compare them to her and they fail to match up. I feel fucking pathetic. And on top of that, her mother just passed away last month and I reached out and left flowers on her doorstep and a note with my condolences and sympathies only and of course got no reply, so I just ruined my no contact that was about 3 months strong.
Sorry, brother. I know exactly how you feel. My wife left me on Christmas morning right before we were to start opening presents... Completely out of the blue, too. My emotions are still so raw.
@jdub1788 I'm right there with you brother, also been 6 months for me. I'm laying in my bed alone on Saturday night, trying to get her out of my head, unsuccessfully. My ex wife of 17 years who left me for another man didn't hurt the way this FA ex of 16 months does. I wish I had an answer for you brother
@@justinmcquade690 I hate to read this from you, Justin. I am 54 yrs old and hate the idea of having to start over again... It's hard for me to wrap my head around it. Mine literally left me Christmas morning. We were together 4 years but my prior ex didn't hurt this bad. I'm just sitting here watching RUclips videos trying to learn how to get over her and how to cope with her sudden departure. She's still here in the house with me but living in another bedroom and giving me the silent treatment. She's packing things and out looking for a place to move each day. I'm so used to having her sit next to me on the couch or curl up next to me in bed. The silence and quiet in the house is deafening... I hate it.
Iam not sure my ex fearful avoidant will change hes almost 57 we have age gap between us. Now hes been in a relationship probably with Narcissistic lady for almost 2 yrs the lady he dumped for but apparently he wants me back keeps on telling me how sad he is.When i rejected to meet him he ghosted me for now. We were not in contact for almost 2 yrs. Boom hes gone just before Christmas when he promised to send me Christmas present heshh
Do DA's project onto emotionally available potential partners? Mine says he will be happier if I walk away because he can't commit and will be happier if he doesn't hurt me. Says he can see that he's going to hurt me, that I will get angry with him because he works all the time. His idea of commitment and mine are different.
@@captasn4359 Maybe. I would like to understand if he is projecting, because he says " before we get deeper involved". I get the feeling he is afraid of getting deeper involved and getting hurt. Before that he was saying " bear with me and we'll get there" and I need you and your patience.
@@rednvocal yeah so no. You’re putting yourself in a hole if you go down this road with him. You’ve been warned now so you can’t complain later. You’re on the internet commenting on your situation. things are clearly not going well if you need to do that….
My questions for you over affairs. 1 is it turth that Not every affair involves sex. ARE still affair or do people need sex for affair or cheating to happen ur not. 2 Can someone cheat or affair without having sex? 3 is it turth that Cheating doesn't always have to involve sex or even talking about sex.
An emotional affair without sex is cheating. A connection to any married person without sex is cheating. The moment the married person is talking to another outside of the marriage on an intimate level it is cheating. Even a simple text "Hello how are you, I was thinking of you" is the start of something between 2 people.
Not to detract from your message at all, Coach, but I’ve got to stop watching these videos. Everyone’s. It’s just keeping me in a place that I desperately need to move away from. My relationship with her is over, I’ll always think that’s a shame, and I’ll always love her. But continuing to rethink the past and what I might have done differently is anchoring me to that pain.
Farewell then. 🌱 Feel free to leave and grow.
You could do nothing. It's up to them to get the help of a professional therapist.
Therapy should be welcomed by everyone from all attachments. We could all benefit from it. It's not just avoidants who need it. @@_Cristina_
Great idea Bob. These videos keep people in a constant state of limerence over their ex. Best to start the new year fresh with positivity and changes you will benefit from.
same 😞
I dont want to meet any avoidants more !
I have to say that this has been the hardest period of my life going through this with an avoidant. The holidays and both of our birthdays have came and went(2 days apart),but both have been extremely difficult. It saddens me to think that this person may never be happy and I might not either.
It will not change. Bite the bullet and ride the misery ride. You will come out stronger and wiser. I did it two years (engaged/ring and all). It's been 5 months, I still think about it every day. Be kind to yourself. It's something you must heal from. Just remember: you deserve better.
I’m having the exact same experience. 3 months no contact after I had to walk away to save myself. This is the worse breakup I have ever been through and wondering if I will ever move on.
I came to the realization during my avoidant eras that I was willing to connect with any and every type of person like a drug. I offer that people begin to depersonalize the behaviors of the "avoidant" because you may be thinking you were rejected solely because you're secure and emotionally available. One has to consider that you were just a dopamine hit for a neurodivergent and/or psychologically disconnected person. One of many whether friends, family, or partners. It may be more than just "I showed them love and they couldn't handle it." There is also "you were fun for the moment". "You like the same things I like, let's play." Closeness with you wasn't an option not because of fear but simply because of boredom. Personality styles are going to tell you more about the interaction.
Your love is for YOU. It's shared not given. From that perspective, you'll never offer yourself as an external neurotransmitter ever again.
You doing amazing job with your videos. It’s a big help for people. Thanks a lot man!
Why do we have to be the collateral damage of these people!?
That can be nearly impossible for some, given the amount of love bombing DAs do
Btw.....what you said was a word salad, with little meaning. Though it does come across as rather harsh
Again, a word salad that has little meaning. Not saying that the majority of people don't have emotional work to do, almost everybody does. Though you can not blame the victims of DAs, for the insecurities that fuel the DAs behavior. Things can take time to be recognized and when someone is abused/mistreated you don't blame the victim for trying.
Ummm avoidants and anxious attached people are EVERYWHERE. It’s extremely common. There isn’t a state or country where everyone is just securely attached
i've worried for a while now and this video confirms it... i'm a fearful avoidant and i want help ❤❤
I ignored the red flags. He was such a skilled love bomber, I thought it was a circus.
I think there's many people that are like this .
According to Thais Gibson anxious and dismissive types are more drawn to fearful avoidants (disorganized) than to each other.
As avoidants and anxious types are just too opposite to make it past the dating stage.
But a fearful avoidant can give the avoidant some of the space they seek and the anxious type some of the reaching out they seek.
I theorize anxious types are especially drawn to FAs who lean avoidant and avoidants are especially drawn to FAs who lean anxious.
------------------------------
I would argue that he Book "Hold Me Tight" describes an avoidant & fearful-avoidant dynamic.
Where the fearful avoidant protests for the relationship (anxious) but then later freezes and flees (avoidant).
Correctly if I'm wrong, but I don't see a purely anxious type ever freezing and fleeing, even after the avoidant turns things around.
Congrats on reaching 30k 🎉Next stop 100k 👍
Wow...
Wife of 4 yrs left Xmas morning. Feel like you just described her perfectly. She was abandoned by her parents at 4 yrs old and grew up in foster/group homes where she experienced a lot of trauma until 18. Our biggest issue is her incessant belief that I prioritize my daughter's over her. There is absolutely no compromise in her world. She is either my number one priority at all times or not. In this case, I must have forgot to inform her that my oldest daughter was coming over on Christmas morning to join us and then spend the night with us. Mind you, we both have two kids each from our priors and our younger children were going to be here anyway. So, I didn't think it was a problem for my oldest to join us and spend the night, too as she's not visited here in a year! However, my wife absolutely lost it when I told her on Xmas morning. She screamed at me, cussed at me and told me she was leaving...all because she claims I made my adult daughter a priority over her and made plans with my daughter without discussing them with my wife first. Seriously...that's why she left in a fit of rage! For the last couple of years everyone believes she has been trying to push my daughters out of my life. It's as if she wants me to focus only on her and anyone else that I care for is a threat to her. Our presents are still under the tree. She did come back late Christmas night but she's sleeping in a different room now giving me complete silent treatment. She sent a note to say she will be out in 6 weeks. I feel like I'm living in a surreal dream right now. This can't be happening.
That sucks man... hate to say it, but she's emotionally manipulating you, probably unintentional, it's how she's dealing with her pain. Unfortunately there is not much you can do but you do need to set boundaries and care for yourself.
@@live2win Thank you, man. I appreciate your advice. Can you explain what you mean by setting boundaries? I'm not sure what kind of boundaries to set. She's not even speaking with me and I refuse to chase her.
@@ctgeorgia setting boundaries means, making it clear what behaviours you do not accept, with the intent to care for your emotional well-being, because clearly she's not capable at the moment, she is having a tantrum at your expense. When/If you chase her, she feels more in control, you are effectively enabling her to control you, through emotional manipulation. You need to put yourself first and tell her, this lack of empathetic communication is unhealthy and I am not tolerating it. This will come down to your self-worth, are you secure without her? I understand how hard this would be when you share custody of kids. You know what, the best thing you can do, is nothing, just try to chill... remember, shes angry and has chucked the shits... just like a toddler, you can't do anything accept wait for the storm to settle.
@@ctgeorgia www.youtube.com/@createwithcorri
@@live2win I really appreciate the advice. It means a lot. This is a first for me. I've never dealt with anything like this before. She's moved into another bedroom in the house and has not spoken a single word to me since she cussed me out on Christmas morning. She's the one that threatened to leave, and I told her I didn't want this to end in my note back to her. I don't feel like I should have to keep making an effort now. In fact, I'm just sitting downstairs in my chair watching football games. ;) I've stated my position and that we should talk. I feel like the ball is in her court now and she should make the next move. The problem is she's extremely prideful and stubborn. She may not make a move. I feel like it's a stalemate, but I don't want to cave. I do feel like it's up to her now and that I shouldn't chase. So, if she does not attempt to engage in the next several days or more...what do you think I should do?
Thankyou it all starts to make more sense why my relation ship went downhill with my avoidant ex. As a anxious myself i started to heal and became more secure. When i got more stable he pulled away.. instead of fighting for the relationship he started to withdraw and completely ingnored my feelings.. we grew apart 😢 but i loved him dearly and i am now learning that he was an avoidant..
😵💫🤩yes!!! Me too
Thank you for your videos ❤❤
How can you gently motivate and support a friend in addressing their avoidant behaviors, ensuring they feel understood and respected?
I want to support and encourage him to find help, but I also aim to be sensitive and not hurt his feelings. Thank you.
Narcassists not attracted to dismissive avoidants, they get nothing off them both are takers. Narcassitic people's attracted to anxious, so they can use them.
Not the case at all. Many, many dismissive avoidants get into relationships with narcissists. They tend to become more “anxious” in the relationship with a narc. What a narcissist needs is an insecure person that they can manipulate and extract supply from, they don’t need someone who’s anxiously attached.
@@CoachRyanH theres no way this is not rare, ive never seen it as every avoidant i know is with an anxious or fearful.
It’s not as rare as you think. I encounter it with my clients all the time. Keep in mind, most DA’s become “anxious” with a narcissist.
Also, keep in mind, not ALL narcissists use the same tactics. Some are very overtly controlling (the ones that usually wind up with anxious attachers), but many are more passive aggressive and less involved, and these are the ones that more often wind up with DAs.
Narcissists can be attracted to anyone. Anxious, avoidant, secure. An anxious attacher is easier prey, but I imagine they feel incredible if they can break down a strong willed avoidant or secure person. I was with a narcissist once and he would get so angry that I wouldn't let him control me. It didn't last because I imagine I was useless to him. I know a couple of dismissive avoidants who ended up with abusive narcissistic people. It did a number on them.
What causes an avoidant to leave? An avoidant will never leave if they find peace in their relationship, as they are naturally seekers of peace . Anxious people don’t try to get through your walls-they break in.
Avoidants cause themselves to leave
Peace of being alone. You call breaking a wall any emotional approach. What avoidants want are not relationships but situationships.
I dont know how to stop missing her. Its been 6 months since she crushed me and I still hurts the same. I've never been this devastated by a person in my life and I've been through a divorce before. I've met lots of women since but I continously compare them to her and they fail to match up. I feel fucking pathetic.
And on top of that, her mother just passed away last month and I reached out and left flowers on her doorstep and a note with my condolences and sympathies only and of course got no reply, so I just ruined my no contact that was about 3 months strong.
Sorry, brother. I know exactly how you feel. My wife left me on Christmas morning right before we were to start opening presents... Completely out of the blue, too. My emotions are still so raw.
@jdub1788 I'm right there with you brother, also been 6 months for me. I'm laying in my bed alone on Saturday night, trying to get her out of my head, unsuccessfully. My ex wife of 17 years who left me for another man didn't hurt the way this FA ex of 16 months does. I wish I had an answer for you brother
@@justinmcquade690 I hate to read this from you, Justin. I am 54 yrs old and hate the idea of having to start over again... It's hard for me to wrap my head around it. Mine literally left me Christmas morning. We were together 4 years but my prior ex didn't hurt this bad. I'm just sitting here watching RUclips videos trying to learn how to get over her and how to cope with her sudden departure. She's still here in the house with me but living in another bedroom and giving me the silent treatment. She's packing things and out looking for a place to move each day. I'm so used to having her sit next to me on the couch or curl up next to me in bed. The silence and quiet in the house is deafening... I hate it.
Your cat is hungry🐅
Hahaha I want to see that kitty! 😍
Iam not sure my ex fearful avoidant will change hes almost 57 we have age gap between us. Now hes been in a relationship probably with Narcissistic lady for almost 2 yrs the lady he dumped for but apparently he wants me back keeps on telling me how sad he is.When i rejected to meet him he ghosted me for now. We were not in contact for almost 2 yrs. Boom hes gone just before Christmas when he promised to send me Christmas present heshh
Do DA's project onto emotionally available potential partners? Mine says he will be happier if I walk away because he can't commit and will be happier if he doesn't hurt me. Says he can see that he's going to hurt me, that I will get angry with him because he works all the time. His idea of commitment and mine are different.
Take his advice and get someone that resembles him and treats you better. You’re currently dating the stunt double….get yourself the main actor….
@@captasn4359 Maybe. I would like to understand if he is projecting, because he says " before we get deeper involved". I get the feeling he is afraid of getting deeper involved and getting hurt. Before that he was saying " bear with me and we'll get there" and I need you and your patience.
@@rednvocal yeah so no. You’re putting yourself in a hole if you go down this road with him. You’ve been warned now so you can’t complain later.
You’re on the internet commenting on your situation. things are clearly not going well if you need to do that….
My questions for you over affairs.
1 is it turth that Not every affair involves sex. ARE still affair or do people need sex for affair or cheating to happen ur not.
2 Can someone cheat or affair without having sex?
3 is it turth that Cheating doesn't always have to involve sex or even talking about sex.
An emotional affair without sex is cheating. A connection to any married person without sex is cheating. The moment the married person is talking to another outside of the marriage on an intimate level it is cheating. Even a simple text "Hello how are you, I was thinking of you" is the start of something between 2 people.
Emotional affairs are just as bad as sexual affairs. Both are unacceptable.
@Warrior_Princess_1111 i have austim can people who got autism have affair or cheat without having no sex