"There are some people who should never have children." Amen to that! This is the first time I've ever heard someone saying this and I couldn't agree more.
Wow realizing I have most of these negative traits due to being raised by my bipolar, narcissistic father smh now I have a son and I am so afraid of inflicting the same emotional pain and traumas on to him. I prayed to be a mother one day and I really always wanted to but now realizing how tough it is as a single mother battling with the effects of my childhood trauma. I have started therapy and taking medication. Im just hoping and praying it is enough so I can be a better mother to my own son. 🙏🏾
Thank you love! I have a mother with bipolar disorder and she never understood how her moods and anger was slowly tearing me apart. I couldn't get her to step back and see that.
@truth4utoda Same here! I have been taking care of my bi-polar mother since I was 18 and am now 34 and she lives with me and my family. She now has dementia.
I’ve spent my whole life taking care of my mom with bipolar (6-13 100%). When I was old enough I tried to have a start over for myself and she ended up following me to another state. Time and time again getting kicked out of her apts or her sudden want to move within 24 hours. Stop everything and provide for her needs. It’s always her needs right then and there or she,ll cause hell. Past 2.5 yrs she’s moved into our house and try’s to make me the bad guy and acts as if this is her own home. She’s called elderly abuse on me as I don’t take her to the store every time I go to the store. Now I walk on egg shells to not cause issues. I hide in my room to not cause issues. She only has issues with me. I can’t question anything she says; even just trying to understand what she’s trying to get across. Just today (not the 1st time) she started provoking me by calling me stupid along with other stuff. Once I said Anything she just sat there smirking like her job was done. She can call abuse on me if she doesn’t like something (she did because I didn’t take her to the store) yet I sit here and have to take her abuse. I’m in chronic stress all the time, starting to push others away because I’m embarrassed of our situation. Becoming a parent has really made me realize I fell through the cracks. I should of never had to restrain my mom at 12 from cutting herself, or riding my bike to mental hospitals at 13 to go visit her. Once my parents divorced and I forced by the courts to live with my mom until I was 13 I had to grow up fast or I would of starved. Even when I packed up and left she made it known I abandoned her. Now she’s in my home and I’m trapped once again.
I have bipolar II, my mom is bipolar I. I grew up where she has been in and out of mental hospitals. I worry I am going to (emotionally, not physically) hurt my child. He is my world. The sun rises and sets on him and then the moon shines for him as well as far as I am concerned. He is my life. But I am so afraid my mood swings are going to hurt him in the long run or not let him live to his full potential. The mood swings are not directed at him, just in general. I dont even yell at him and we do not spank or hit or anything of the sorts. He deserves the world and then some. What were the things your parent did that really harmed you? If you do not mind my asking?
It's like you explained my life. I feel invisible and can't get past how my life turned out due to my father abandoning my mother and me and growing up with her and her mental illness which she deny even having. As a child I was scared to tell anybody about it, and as a 37 year old woman who is totally broken and dysfunctional I have no support, help or even acknowledge. I barely work, can't hold a job, full of anger and isolated myself because I feel toxic and don't want to hurt people. I don't know where to start. Thank you for the video 🧡🧡
Very much the same sister and to add insult to the injury my younger sibling also got diagnosed with bipolar like mom - it’s exhausting and I did maintain the apartment and managed to get a degree but it just felt too hard to do alone and pointless if I can’t change my past my family and friends are not easy to understand this much trauma. No one is really responsible for me and I’m tired of being responsible for me just barely surviving -
My dad is a schizophrenic and sometimes it's so hard, I wonder sometimes what did I do deserve the unnecessary problems I go through and have gone through in my life.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough for sure. This is an existential question or question of life that is near impossible to explore. I've asked the same thing during difficult times and I'm sure most of the world does too.
Everything you’ve talked about from 13:45 to the end of the video has happened to me or is happening right now and I’m sitting here crying my eyes out because I’m in such desperate need of help. I don’t know how to go on with my life whatsoever. I dropped out of school my junior year. I was supposed to be a 2020 graduate and that all ended for me when I fell to my rock bottom. Everything you said is exactly how it is or was for me. I’m looking forward to watching the video you’ve put out talking about how to bounce back from this. Right now I’m not really living at all. I have no friends. hardly a job that pays well. I only eat 1 meal a day. I also struggle with horrible horrible thoughts in my head. I fight myself on a daily basis. For so long I’ve been wanting to fight my way out but it is so fucking hard especially when you still live with that parent that’s holding you down. I’m eternally grateful that theres videos online speaking about this topic because she is right it’s not something that’s talked about a lot. I cannot say thank you enough for making this video. It really does bring me hope to get better. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Omg this happened to me my junior year as well and I had to take a semester off and it was had to bounce back and my mother just don’t understand how bad she effected me. I ended up going back with heavy prayer and I was able to graduate this passing November. So I’m here to tel you that you still can complete your studies and you will graduate. I have siblings under me that just makes it harder. Two out of the sibling have bipolar as well and my thoughts of if something happen to my mother I know what I’m going to have to deal with because with seen it with my mother and how the household was growing up and how it is now. I recently just had suicidal thoughts and ended up going to a liquor store and I don’t drink at all. It’s honestly hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel for me and I honestly don’t know how god was able to get me through this far. I’m glad I came across this video and to see the comments shows that I’m not alone. sorry for the rant but I couldn’t help but see a very similar story ❤️
You're welcome!! And thank you. I'm really glad this was helpful. I'm really sorry you had to experience this. This is never easy for a child to accept.
I found this channel today and your comment. I feel so sad for you, you must find some help for your parent and focus on your own wellbeing. You must have a friend or a person that can help you find healing and stress relief/management. Set goals and think what you want with your life. Find help, fight for yourself. Find a network, if there is, with other ppl in your situation. And don’t use alkohol or drugs, does ruin you. Wish you the best, from Sweden. 🇸🇪🇪🇪
My mother was strikingly pretty an obsessive about all our clothes and intelligence. She was also susceptible for a degree if psychosis that left her literally insane for up to a few hours. I was four. She had a wish to erase my face but by this point I was bound for unconsciousness. School: things changed overnight with episodic mind games. By the time the words "Mummy is really not very well". I had suffered for example a undisclosed head injury, various abuse, bulimia by proxy and PTSD. How do I feel? As a child I felt ashamed of making my mother unwell (not so!). But I am not good enough. I ace exams, etc, etc, as if I have a wish to excel, through having to think to survive. Yet, to excelI is not my wish. I have chunks of early stage parenting missing. I love people but feel uneasy about my past (Mum was prone to sudden unrestrained violence) and not being quite completed, an almost person. Sometimes, I come across very distressed people, as we all do. I nearly always say hello, or they approach me. Turning things around, not in a fake way, can turn lives around. I never had that luxury as a child, I just defaulted to meet an expectation. To excel. My physical health crashed, of course. Not facing despair is a very bad idea. I actually did so but being so young we became friends
I know this post is two years old. I believe it is still relevant. Please do not try to help your mother or father. It will only drag you deeper down. It is ingrained in children to try to help their parents. But please do help yourself only now. It was not your fault that your mother and/or father is ill and there is very little to be done if they are not responsible enough to look for help. This will not change and could go on for decades. I am talking from experience. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be safe, may you be free dear friend ❤.
I’m happy that you’ve mentioned adult children. I’m 24 and unable to be independent partially due to my mom taking my money (also my other siblings and my dad’s) since I was working at 18 to fulfill her gambling addiction. Her addiction has affected my twin sister’s and younger siblings lives. She does not believe in seeking medical help and she doesn’t not believe mental illness is real. She has expressed this to my 14 year old sister who has expressed having mental illness and wanting help. I try to be that therapist for my little sister because just like my family we all need it.
Umi, Take care of your health. Practice not overreacting. To feel better reduce negative thoughts with a simple practice. Your breath and mind [brain] are closely related causing stress-anxiety. For a better life sit on a chair, neck straight, eyes closed and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for 5-10-15 minutes or more. Don’t fight your thoughts. Slowly the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Do the practice without any expectations. Change happens from within by itself. Day or night, when taking a walk, sitting in a park, when reading, at office, before sleep etc sit or lie down and observe your breath. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a good life. Reduce negative social media. Avoid constipation as it affects the mind instantly. Best wishes. Senior Counsellor.
My family is caucasian and it seems they have a huge stigma related to this too for many generations! Though my dad and grandma and most of my family were on benzos for DECADES, no one wanted to heal the issues at core or even discuss that an issue is there. Now I am the “bad guy” for bringing it all up and diving deep into the core issues and healing!!
At this point if I have kids, I don’t intend leaving them alone with either of my parents as I feel that would be abusive to leave them in the care of people who could do to them mentally what my parents did to me. With no acknowledgement and no remorse and constant lies I would never feel comfortable even leaving my dog with my parents who claim to be “stable middle class Americans.”
Mental Illness is present in my family, I suffer from PTSD, my mother and my sister were suicidal, and my uncle is paranoid schizophrenic. His daughter has had to deal with his schizophrenia her whole life and I came across your channel because I am searching for guidance on how to deal with a parent who has such a severe mental illness. As adult children not only are me and my cousin battling having parents with mental illness but we are also trying to heal our own PTSD and trauma. I am searching for coping skills on how to handle our parents and also heal our children with any mental illness they may have due to ours. I have been unsuccessful in finding a therapist that specializes in this so I am very grateful to have found your channel!
My dad died when I was 3 and my mom was never the same. She never got diagnosed but she has the exact signs of paranoid personality disorder and dealing with that growing up has messed me up. I didn't have the proper childhood because of it. Recently she got a head injury at work and her delusions are even worse, now I'm in college and it's just taking such a toll on me. The doctor said her brain is slowly deteriorating and she has two years at most. It's so hard seeing her get worse and worse. I haven't shared this info with anyone, most of my family doesn't even know, I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for the video.
I have a schitzoeffective mother and I’m 28 still living with her and trying to survive these negative thoughts everyday. Sometimes I lock myself in my room for hours, days feeling hopeless. I need a change of environment ASAP but I’m not financially stable and that gets me more upset.
Thank you so much for this critical information. I am struggling so much after growing up in a religious family with a narcissistic mom and schizophrenic father. No school, no friends, rural isolation. I am so crippled by the alienation I feel towards society and constantly seeking out an imaginary dad. I escaped home at 19 and am 30 now. I’m trying to make sense of this it’s tough.
I have 2 wonderful sons!!! They have graduated from OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY and both made the Dean's list their entire time they were in college! I'm so proud and happy for them. But as their mother I can say they saw me goin thru hell. I have such guilt they saw me at my worst. I have been hospitalized 4 times over my mental illness. It's been 7 years since my last stay at mental hospital. I have to stay on track and I'm very conscientious about my moods. Sometimes I don't know it's happening and I have my episodes but staying on my meds and sticking with it has made me somewhat better. My son's are doing great. They lstill love me!!!!
I have two mothers, one had depersonalization disorder along with depression and ocd. And my other mother has seasonal affective disorder and depression. I love and care for my parents very deeply but I can’t help but feel the effects of this environment I have been raised in and the conditions that have shaped who I am. It’s difficult to navigate and I wish I had someone to speak to about this. So thank you for the video
I'm so thankful that I found your channel. You've really spoken to my heart today. Most of the things you discussed apply to me due to my childhood raised by a mentally ill mother and a father who refused to get her help or protect us. At 44, I'm finally trying to pick up the pieces of my life.
Thank you Dr. Tamara I grew up in Foster care.. and let me tell I had so many Narcissistic caretakers... I'm still healing and I'm on my way to mental health.
Oh my. Foster care is tough and sadly, there are a lot of narcissists there. There are also people who should never have children in their care. The stable parents are few in that system. Glad to hear you are healing.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much Dr. Tamara you are making a difference in this world with Your work.. I was so happy when RUclips recommended one of your videos... and I liked your point of view and how you explained things.. it's priceless. Have a good day.
Thank youI clicked because I was specifically looking for mental health professional with brown skin. I stayed because the information was clear and concise and really helped.. I cried reading the comments, realizing we're not alone. F
As a child, growing up in Spain, I always knew that my mother was different. She only got diagnosed much later (with bipolar disorder) but during my childhood she had frequent bouts of euphoria and verbal aggressiveness (mostly towards my father; I was basically ignored) with long periods of depression, and suicide attempts. She was always unreachable, cold, and distant. I learned from a very young age to create a huge wall between us; I got very attached to my father, but very distant to her. As a child I also developed symptoms of OCD that I was able to outgrow as I entered adolescence. I never went to a psychologist back then. Coming from a working class background, in the 1980s/1990s in Spain..people like us just didn't go to a psychologist, that was just for rich people and the movies. My first marriage was certainly defined by codependency, maybe that's something I dragged from my childhood. I'm fine now, but it's something you can't really talk about and that very few people can truly understand. I also have very few memories of my childhood, perhaps I repressed them. Thanks for the video.
Interesting. It’s never too late for self help. I’m 75 years old & looking back at my own lack of self confidence I’ve often wondered if being raised by a mother with schizophrenia impacted me negatively at all. I may have been co-dependent? I was only married a year when my husband was killed by a drunk driver. Since he was the support I never felt I had I never recovered. Plus, I was pregnant at the time. Unlike me, my daughter was an achiever and has done well in life. So, yes, I believe it can take several generations for the cycle to break. I’m subscribing because I feel not just your knowledge on the topic but your sincerity.
This subject makes me emotional. I was an only child with an bi-polar, schizophrenic addict father. It traumatized me although I didn't realize how bad until I reached adulthood and struggled with myself and relationships. I am 37 now and finally dealing with the trauma. I haven't met many other people who had a parent with such a severe mental disorder.
Hi Elizabeth, thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sorry to hear this has been your experience. It's really difficult having a parent with severe mental illness and who sometimes gets so sick that the child becomes the target. Healing is a journey. Wishing you the best.
Finally someone talking about these problems like they really are. Thank you. Now how can we create some real help for these people who are in denial. 😳
Thank you! That's a good question. It isn't as easy as it may sound. You may want to check out my video on anosognosia: ruclips.net/video/B7p9GsRV_5U/видео.html. That video should lead to other videos I have done on this topic.
Hello Tamara, thank you so much for being one of few who offers help in this area. Im 27 years old and i have came a long way but my mother is bipolar 1 and schizophrenic and my dad is bipolar 2. Both of them are alcoholics. Im fighting with everything i have in me to break this generational cycle. Im struggling. Again thank you.
Hi Ashley, thank you for watching. This isn't unlike anything I have heard before. It is certainly a cycle. I will be talking about intergenerational trauma in the next week. You may find it useful.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes ive done my fair share of research on intergenerational trauma. Realizing that on both sides of my family the trauma is extensive. I will be tuning in. I will break this cycle. At this time i just dont know how to stop caring so much about my parents. i dont know how to let go. I feel for them because i know the trauma created this but i have to learn to care less or not be so attached....something.
I know your comment is old but I can relate so hard. My mom is bipolar schizoaffective and my dad is schizophrenic. Mom took a while but is getting help but my dad has been homeless for about 15 years and it breaks my heart. I hope things have gotten better for you ♡
I wanted to learn more about my mental health and the mental illness my mom and I both share... schizophrenia. (I also have high functioning ASD) My mother has passed many years now and I have two grown sons that I raised alone. I'm so happy to have found your video and did not hesitate to subscribe. So looking forward to watching more. Thank you!
My mother was diagnosed with major depression/anxiety and delusions. I’m almost 60 and still trying to figure out how it’s impacted my life. I was the oldest daughter and have a younger brother. Thank you for your video!
You're welcome. And I'm sorry. It's interesting how parental mental health challenges (and personality disorders) can impact a child throughout their life. If it's not treated appropriately you can be impacted for many years.
Me too. It ruined my whole life, being brought up by her, because I had no other adult to turn to for guidance, or for a different perspective on life. I’m in my mid 60s. I’ve always been lonely, never got married or even lived with a man, never achieved anything, never fulfilled myself academically, never learned how to cook or take care of myself because she infantilised me, and I’ve never had a child. My life has been wasted. EDIT. I was 50 before I learned that you are supposed to say hello to shop assistants and waiters etc, before you tell them what you want.
My mom used to get to so upset with how poorly i did in school that she would attack me with a knife. She would only stop tryint to kill me after i tire her out from physically keeping her at bay or if someone intervened like my step dad or sister. This went on for 4 ears from 3rd to the 6th grade. I have my own life now. Thank God i survived all those years with her.
Good for you Mike. That's power. That's healing in a sense. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's obvious mom didn't help that she never got. But thankfully you are able to move forward.
Thank you so much for this. I feel this video really describes what I went through as a child with a bipolar mother, and undiagnosed neurodivergent father. It is rough. I can see in the comments folks who have had similar experiences to me. I’ll look for the Wednesday video. Thank you so much.
Yes, you're welcome! It's a topic we have to talk more about and I'm hoping to bring some variation of this video back to the channel soon. And I'm sorry you have experienced this first hand. It certainly isn't an easy thing to experience and ultimately accept. Join me live on Friday, 6pm est. I'll be covering some of this then too.
My mom has so much trauma, PTSD (lived through the Vietnam war as a girl, had periods of hunger, saw dead bodies on the streets, ), also in our family on her mom's side there is a history of mental illness, and she has lost a child before she had me, so she treats me really bad sometimes. She will yell at me for saying something innocous that "triggered her". for example I helped her to apply for disability benefits and she hasn't head back from them so I told her to "either be patient or follow up and call them" and she totally lost it! She does this thing where she will scream in my face until i exit to my room, where I will still hear her screaming at the top of her lungs despite the fact im not even standing in the same room as her? Does anyone else parent do this? Most of the time im understanding of her mental illness, but a lot of times its VERY difficult to bear because its very isolating and to add insult to injuries my dad never defends me or tries to set my mother straight because he is AFRAID of her screaming tirades. In our home there is my parents, grandma, me and my aunt. My mom has a blow up on every one on a regular basis, and we all pretty much just walk on eggshells to keep her calm (also because her screaming is embarassing and im sure our neighbors know she is crazy). Imagine a whole house hold of adults having to deal with her during this pandemic, and we love her and she isnt quit at a state to be committed or anything. When she is having one of her meltdowns she honestly looks like when you see mentally ill people shouting on the streets. Its scary.
Hi Tammy Thank you for sharing this with everyone because I think it confirms what a lot of the subscribers on this channel are going through or have gone through. During this month and the month of June I will be talking about unstable and psychologically detached parents and some of the traumatic experiences that they cause for their children. This can impact your adult life as I'm sure you're well aware of. Stay tuned!
Wow by chance i found this video and I'm so glad, I wish my psychiatrist could explain herself so openly like you. Thank you so much for your work. If you don't mind I want to share my story. It's gonna be long, bare with me. My mother was at first diagnosed Bipolar II, then as schizophrenia, later as Bipolar I. Her family apparently have a long medical record dealing with mental health. My dad told me if he knew my mother had a mental illness he would have avoided by all means to have a kid with her, he knew when she was already pregnant and she had to talk about her health with her gynecologist, the doctor even said to my dad after I was born "don't leave her alone with the child because she could probably reject her due to her mental illness". She wasn't a bad mom in the material sense at the beginning, she worked her a*s off to help financially the household, she bought me nice stuff but emotionally she wasn't good. Always was fighting with my dad because he had other children before me and he had to travel a lot due to his work, she was extremely possessive and controlling. I was scared of her mood swings so I tried my best not to make her mad or she would hit me. I don't know what is to have a house (structure) to call mine, for the minimal thing she went berserker and fight the neighbours so we had to move A LOT. During my childhood she had multiple breakdowns ending up in the hospital after neglecting her treatment. I even witnessed a very disturbing scene with her refusing to let me go even if I told her she was hurting me, also crossing the streets without care, eyes unfocused, the whole thing escalated enough when we arrived at one of my aunt's house. She saw my mom was clearly not well and called an ambulance, they agreed to assist just because I was at risk (mental health in my country ain't it). Thankfully, during those breakdowns my maternal and paternal grandma were around to take care of me, my dad's family was very welcoming to be honest I felt the safest with them. I could be myself without feeling judge, maybe because my aunts and grandma were elementary teachers. I was really young and I couldn't talk about how bad teachers treated me at school (a Christian school, the irony), I couldn't listen to music because my mother was sensitive, only my moms troubles were important she even judged me because I loved to watch scientific documentals instead of cartoons. Only with my paternal family I felt kind of free. High School somehow was a breakthrough for me, I could start expressing myself through art, dancing, learning music, having better classmates and teachers (even if I'm socially awkward and usually withdrawn). My dad was way better economically by that time, so we got some commodities like Internet at home so I immerse in reading all kinds of things (as a 90's child, internet was a luxury when I was in school in my country). Then my dad found a job in Europe and I was left alone with her, 1 year and a half they divorced. I didn't want to stay with her but my dad was absent because of his job and by law I had to stay by her side. I went through eating disorder at 16 with bulimia, somehow I realised I was just hurting myself and stopped before causing permanent damage. She started neglecting her treatment again, we got evicted out almost every year no matter where we moved, she started to believe everyone had something against her. I even decided to learn some self-defense techniques because sometimes when I didn't reached her expectations in school she screamed at me and treated me with hurting me, after one day she was about to beat me and I stop her, she never crossed that line. At 18 I tried to get away from her. My dad was back from Europe, I spent most of the time with him travelling around the country. I wanted to study aboard but I couldn't because of her. They money I earned was to pay her stuff, because after she got divorced, she decided not to work anymore in her mind my dad had the obligation to seek for her well-being because I was in the middle. She never tried to work again despite having a full degree or the opportunity for early retirement. I tried to run away studying in the big city. She called me every day not to say hi but for the things I need to pay for her or because "neighbours were hurting her and it was my obligation to protect her". I gain a lot of weight trying to deal with anxiety and depression with food, I try to kill myself and failed. My dad's business had a major crisis, I had to drop college, my payment as my dad's translator got reduced and devastated I returned to her... She has been using that as a bargain: "You are a mess without me, useless. You're fat like a cow, I wasn't like that at your age". it's being 6 years dealing with her and her mood swings, changing houses over and over again. A year ago, my economy got better, so I started to study in a local university majoring musical education, even though I'm not satisfied it felt like a nice start. But she always ruins everything for me. I'm in the university's choir and I have to travel a lot and every time I'm back, she is about to have a breakdown. Or that time she took some money I was saving in my drawer to pay some postgraduate course she want to pursue because "I shouldn't be selfish and help her to be better", which put a lot of stress in me mentally and physically. My dad, tired of me asking for money advances to deal with her outbursts, suggested me to take mom to her psychiatrist again, I cried in the first meeting, I even told her "I don't understand why I'm crying, I never cry, I never felt like this" and she told me it was good to have side schedules to check my mental health. Then after sometime she told me, reluctantly "I think you're a covert schizoid" and explained what she meant by that. Many things got cleared for me. I felt relieved somehow, and from that day I started for the first time to think about myself. Even though I'm still working on getting in touch with my own body, feelings and the outside world, I'm healing letting go many things and understanding others. I'm still dealing with her and I know my mother will never change, at least I can do it. I'm saving money to move away permanently from her because by her side is like I'm a bird in cage and I'm done with tha. I found her a personal income, so no excuses. (I almost delete it. It's hard to be so... open lol)
No. I'm glad you didn't delete it because you obviously needed to get this out and process these things out-loud. That's why this channel is here in the first place to give you an open place to share your stories and your thoughts and then get the feedback of a therapist and others going through what you are going through. You obviously had a very sick parent and I agree that your grandparents were a saving grace. That's the typical story-line for children of very emotionally and psychologically unstable parents. The grandparents have to step in to stabilize things and ensure their grandchildren are safe. Thank God for them. I do hope that you are healing and have found a healthy way to heal. The most important thing in your life right now should be you. You've gone through a lot and so you deserve some time to take care of yourself.
I'm glad you shared this comment, noone ever talks about these things but it's nice to find someone to relate to. Especially about the part refusing to take her meds, crossing the street dangerously, physical threats...I am more bothered by little everyday things honestly where it's all about her and smallest thing she can find to get agitated, it's already stressful outside trying to pass the day with zero kindness from strangers to come to a house where it feels unsafe, attacked constantly is sad truly. I am making plans to get my financial independence, I am 21 so it will take time. I feel hopeless sometimes from little everyday stuff, but I still have faith.
Brilliant! This kind of advice and insight was missing from my childhood! - I wish we'd had RUclips back in the sixties and seventies when I was marooned, (with two siblings) with our bipolar mother. Our childhood and adolescence was a living nightmare - and because I was identical to my mother, and her first born, I was the main target of all her wrath, insanity and bitterness, (emotions that she didn't have the courage to train back onto her own extremely cruel OCD mother). It was only when I was in my forties that I was able to write about it, (and only then because of my wonderful husband, who I have just celebrated 40 years with! My dearest friend, philosopher, healer, psychologist and stand-up comedian!) I finally wrote a book about my experience, I hope you won't mind if I mention it here (and of course, Tamara, I would love you to perhaps read it sometime), it's for me and bipolar offspring everywhere! The book, tragi-comical 'Burnt Dress' (by me, Joanna Murphy) was recommended by UK psychologist Oliver James who said "With it's unexpected wit in dark places, Burnt Dress is a vital book for anyone who grew up with extreme parenting." If there are 'bipolar offspring' out there who would be interested, it's available at Amazon. Wishing everyone struggling with such a parent real support and understanding from outside influences - this is vital.
Than You Jo! I'm really glad this video was helpful. RUclips would have been invaluable to my mother as well who endured some very odd family dynamics and parental challenges. It's good to hear that you could write about what happened because I think once we are able to talk about things (or write about things) that have hurt or traumatized us that's when healing begins. And thank you for sharing this resource! You're educating me too!
@@TherapistTamaraHill That's great, Tamara, thanks very much for your reply - I'm about to track down your other videos as I've only just discovered them - better late than never! (Just in case you have the time, here's an easier link to the book: www.amazon.co.uk/Burnt-Dress-Joanna-Murphy/dp/0956792081)
Hi Liliana, Thanks so much! I'm glad to have you on the channel. 😊 Domestic violence observed by a child can cause not only PTSD but also years of wounds. It's definitely an unfair situation for unsuspecting children.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yeah I just don’t know what to do as far as my mom. I know things would be easier/more stable for her if she moved in with me but it would be hard for me. She’s kinda like a Tasmanian devil.
I completely identified with about the last 1/4 of the video. I've pretty much separated myself from the world. Making it across the finish line just isn't worth the journey over the mountains and through the valleys. It really isn't.
I come from a family with a history of mental illness and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Mom has major depression and I never once felt a bond with her even though I was extremely anxiously attached to her growing up. I’m an adult working full-time and have always been great at academics and work, but relationships have always been an issue. I refuse to open up even when my life depends on it (literally). I truly believe no one gives a fuck about me and that if I were to die, everyone would be so happy. Thanks mom lol
Great video, sometimes we don't realize how growing up with a parent who has a mental disorder does to us. My mom was bipolar and just committed suicide last month.
Excellent info. Thanks for sharing. My father is diagnosed GAD and my mother has depressive disorder and I'm undergoing therapy of codependency issues and C-PTSD. Again thanks for sharing such valuable information freely. @16:00 wow, now it makes sense that being chronically stressed led me to have high blood glucose that led me to have PCOS. Sending you lots of love and light💖💖💖
Hi, thank you so much for this video. My mum has BPD and substance misuse issues and I ended up caring for my sister and becoming my mums parent, in a way. I am 30 now and I’m just starting to make a secure and safe life for myself. Luckily I am quite a stubborn person so I’ve forced myself in to situations which make me uncomfortable so that I can survive so now I’ve been to uni and am starting a career but am only now beginning to move on from the trauma of having a mum like mine. I don’t see her anymore really, just text messages, which helps. I also have a great dad which I’m eternally grateful for and I have started paying for therapy over the past few years which has been invaluable. Thanks so much for covering this topic and for all of your hard work x
Hi Holly, You're welcome! And thank you for watching. I'm sorry to hear about this. Most kids who are growing up under a parent with BPD and substance abuse issues or undiagnosed mental illness struggle themselves or are made to be what we call the "parentified child." It's tragic in many ways. It's wonderful that you can now begin a new journey and continue healing. The more you move forward in your life positively, the more you heal. Having a support system, as you do with your dad, is often healing in and of itself. And a positive life/career starting at 30 is often a healthy one because you're older and looking for a different "climate" or pace. Take it from me! LOL By the way, I just did a new video on this topic that may be helpful as well. Take care!
My mum just being my mum is one big trauma after the other. It’s effecting my physical health now as well and I have a baby to look after. I feel like she’s my child I wish I had escaped when I was younger. Now I feel responsible for her emotional well-being as no one else is around.
I appreciate this video so much. I relate to so much of this and I'm trying so hard to recover and become a healthy joyful adult and parent myself. My parents were very abusive.
I'm grateful to be healed enough to be able to reach out and strive to get to a better place. And for brilliant educated person's like yourself that are willing to share your knowledge and understanding.
Thank you so much.... I do completely agree with you.. on the fact that it's a topic less discussed and lesser in demand. It's really good to see somebody speak on this, a professional cause most topics are based on relationships and cheating but none are based on parental illness..... Again Thanks alot!!
I have PTSD My mother is bipolar and her parents where jehovah's witnesses. I felt like I never really had a chance. I thought I had mentors as a kid but they molested me and let me down the wrong road. The molesters played on her being bipolar. I went to foster care and my uncle told me to tell them I lied about the abuse of my mother did to me and also so I could move with him because his record wasnt good enough to get custody of me. She still goes off even when things are going good . I have PTSD from it now so traumatic. She will be fine one minute and then switch. I can always tell cause I see it in her eyes. My father was a drug addict but lucky for him his wife and his brother covered up his tracks. I've sacrificed so much of my mental health dealing with all of there stuff. My mother doesn't get help its effected me so much but it's so hard to let go because she can dump on me and I'll still be there for her. It's made me very resentful at times . I moved 2,394 miles from all of them . I've been going to therapy and that's helped a lot.
This is very difficult Jamason M. I'm sorry you had to experience this. I just recently did a video about the traumatic impact of parents with untreated or poorly treated bipolar disorder. I encourage you to check that out. Take care
My mother has bipolar. My life has been made so difficult by her illness, she overloaded me with responsibility from a young age. Chose inappropriate sexual partners one of who raped me regularly, and she was very hedonistic, selfish, and egotistical. She was violent both with her partners, and with me and my brother, she is such an overwhelming character there was no opportunity to develop my own or to explore views that differed from her own. It seems in the age of acceptance of mental illnesses that the right of a woman to reproduce trumps the rights of the child to need stability. As soon as i turned 18 i was expected to act as her advocate with police, psychiatric team, and run her buisness whilst trying simultaneously to find my feet as an adult. Needless to say it didn't work and i turned to self medicating and dropped out of college. Little is said about the struggle of children of mentally ill parents thanks for exploring this difficult subject.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I've heard so many stories like this and have counseled many cases of this manner. I would say that your mother had a combination of sociopathic and borderline personality traits that made her emotionally numb, detached, and un-empathic. She clearly needed help and used you to be her surrogate parent. Her immaturity seems to have been the most problematic trait for you because she relied on you too much. You sound like the parentified child. In other words, the child made to be the parent. So many of these kids grow up feeling burdened, tired, and much older than their chronological age. It takes a toll. I will certainly be talking about this further in the coming weeks.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks for your reply, yes i think you've got her down to a T. Its a complicated subject, i love her dearly - but hate her too. I find it very difficult to accept that it's an illness as it affects so much of who she is and our relationship, although i do still have a relationship with her, my little brother cut all ties as soon as he left home and now considers me his only blood relative. I would like to give those still dealing with a similar situation hope, my life is now full of life and love, it is possible to move on, though it did take me moving 9000 miles to find my own way. I look forward to your further exploration of this subject as it is so important to help those affected and not just those ill.
Absolutely. You're welcome! That's great. It sounds like you have experienced what we call "post traumatic growth." It's a new wave of life after healing with better insight and direction. Take care
Wow I cant believe I found your channel. I have both parents who have mental illnesses. My mom with epilepsy, my dad with alcohol and depression. My dad was removed from the home about 3 or 4 years ago. I had to grow up fast. I have always been my mom's care taker. Also being first generation Mexican American and cultural differences is hard. Like Trying to find your identity, have a professional career develop in your own way is not easy. I have been going to therapy to help me to start do something about it.
Welcome to the channel! I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough, as I point out in the video, but even harder when you are a first generation Mexican American. My great grandfather was a first generation Native American and it made his life a lot harder. I'm glad that you are in therapy. I do hope this channel will be helpful on your journey.
I wish I knew what was wrong with my mom... I can't tell if it's BPD or something else. She has been verbally and emotionally (and physically) abusive to my dad all throughout my childhood and even to this day. She gets irrationally angry and cannot ever be in the same room as him without treating him like dirt. But he's just as crazy as she is and is in denial that there is anything wrong with her. I have no idea why he stays. I am 33 years old now and just coming to the realization of how messed up my childhood was and how messed up they continue to be. It worries everyone around them, but nobody says anything and nobody ever stands up to my mom because she's so frightening. I am the only one who stands up to her, but it's such a toxic place for me to be in. I wish I had a loving, calm, and stable mother, and a loving, calm, and steady father, but they have both been physically abusive and always got their way by yelling and threatening physical harm. I think I'm going to cut them off from my life. I feel so resentful towards them. They seem to have no idea what their actions do to others.
The resentment you feel is understandable.Even since mandated reporting has been a legal obligation for teachers, counsellors & mental health professionals, some parents are so oblivious & emotionally immature that they get away with abusing their children. None of us want to see defenceless children psychologically harmed while they're stuck in the middle of their parents fights, but sadly it still happens because "service" departments can't physically intervene because your parents rights supersede their children's (yours).
I wish your videos had been around when I was a kid. As the adult daughter of a schizoaffective mother with the co-diagnosis of BPD I can honestly say that these parents don't ever change without medication. It never gets better, ever. It's a lot like dementia or alzheimers in that a certain level of functionality is maintained for a time but never improves and only has one direction.
I think my older sister was parentified and I think that she inherited our mom’s bipolar. The last two times I’ve communicated with her has been really negative. One time I was talking to her and I was being vulnerable and she blurted out “I’m not your mother” I was so confused about why she even said that. I swear my family has caused me so much pain and it’s unbelievable how they are.
My dad is schizofrenic and my mom has two cancers. Life is really hard for me sometimes. I do have my share of difficulties, such as battling isolation, anger, and depression, but I try my best every day, seeking support from as many people as possible and my therapist. I force myself to take care of me, I go to the gym I eat well, I try to be a good daughter. It's not always easy, but I do my best and I will make it to the place I wanna get, eventually. I believe in myself. If you are reading this, you are stronger than you could ever imagine ❤
U described my life and my feelings since i could remember, my mother was and is a paranoid schizophrenic she had four kids with my father who was a abusive drug addict who died about twenty years ago, and im 30 years old now and about a year and a half from my release from from prison and im just starting to learn about how much this has effected me everything u said i deal with constantly. before i do anything i have to fix my mind. Thank u for your insight
I'm really sorry to hear this. This is tough and any child who has to go through something like this will likely walk away with some form of trauma. Unhealthy parents make unhealthy kids. Thankfully, you can rebound as an adult with the proper knowledge, emotional work, and healing. Thanks for watching~
I'm sorry. Judging by your second comment it is clear she is unhealthy. Not clear on your age but I suggest counseling if possible to get an "outsider" on your side so they can see it too. A good therapist is a good advocate too.
I have a similar problem lol Im currently 19 with 3 brothers Eldest Brother is a drug addict an his 29 Father was an alcoholic all his life or since we were born Mother is the one with the delusional illness and mental illness Neglected us all but in her own right she kept us in school, fed, ect. But she also has bipolar as she is a single parent dealing with STRESSSSSS
Thank you for this. I related to many of your points and have seen many effects from my fathers inflcited trauma. He is not diagnosed, is an alcoholic and has never sought help. I've gone through many cycles of one or more of these points. I'm 27 now and I've had to move back in with my father, mother and sister.. It is incredibly detrimental to me and I can feel myself spiralling as his alcoholism is a trigger for my anxiety. My sister is also 17 years younger than me and I feel so protective over her, yet it caused me to be in the firing line and I cannot handle it. I'm also recovering from another failed relationship. This video made me realise I'm not crazy :)
Hi Ruby, I'm really glad this was helpful to you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My extended family has endured an alcoholic parent and it is never easy. The ups and downs in your emotions and thoughts alone about the parent can drain you. His behaviors are most likely going to continue to impact you until you are able to find the strength from within to cope. It may be helpful to reach out to a therapist who can teach you ways to cope in a healthy fashion. And no, it's not you. It's him. Take care
I take care of my mentally ill mother it's overwhelming but all she has is me. It's diffenly a job but I'm getting threw it being strong. Thank you for the videos!
Mental health was never spoken about in my household. My parents raised my siblings and I in a super strict, high demand, abusive religious cult and seeking professional help for mental illness was completely vilified. Looking back now, my mother really needed professional help (she still does, but she’ll never seek it - she doesn’t see she has any issues), and I desperately needed help (suicidal from 11, among so many other issues that you listed). Codependency ✔️ Eating disorder ✔️ Attachment trauma ✔️ Isolation and withdrawal, depression ✔️ Lack of identity ✔️ Anxious ✔️ Chronic stress ✔️ Suicidal and self harm ✔️ Helplessness ✔️
For the impact is as you rightly said self harm suicidal ideation,self HATE, not functional in the society,lowself estimation, depression, isolation,etc
Totally agree!! The government is good playing God and making laws to accommodate people of certain lifestyles or faiths (Muslims ,homosexuals, transgenders, etc), so why don't they make a law to sterilize severely mentally ill people or remove their children from their household if they are not able to show signs of mental/ psychological improvement.
This is often a tough topic for most people. We would all like to see out parents as healthy but sometimes they just arent. If this was helpful please like, share, and comment!
Taking care of my mentally ill mother now. She is a senior and is compounded with dementia. Mom has severe BPD and was actually institutionalized in the 60's for it. She never took meds or got follow up care. My father left her when we were young as her mania episodes were something from Mommy Dearest ( I don't blame him) My siblings and I all left as teenagers. She ruined our lives in many ways. Don't ever expect acknowledgment of all the pain and hurt they put you through, in my case mom is also narcissistic and it's always about her and will always be about her until the day she dies. The good news is now she is on the proper the meds as I am her care taker and makes sure she takes them everyday. She still has the mania episodes which present differently in elderly but I also have meds for those. They truly help. The sad part is, as I am taking care of her physical well being, health care, financial affairs and all other everyday needs, I will never be emotionally present for her again. As she destroyed that part of me my entire childhood and adult life whenever I got close she would drop the hammer of ugly all over me. I often wonder what is like to have a healthy mother daughter relationship..
Hi i have a schizophrenic mom so basically she doesn’t do anything she just sleep and even urinate herself on bed living she’s been like this like 2 years I’m so done so next week we are taking her to her moms house cuz i can’t do this anymore i feel bad but I’m ready to cut her from my life I’m sad and im in pain my mom was a good mom until the she got sick maybe hopefully someday she might be back all healthy cuz i know she will im praying hard untill that I’m gonna make my myself better!!
My mom isn't bipolar but she has two personalities - one is caring and loving and the other is manic, yells, mean, silent trearment, arrogant and not caring at all. She switches between them, but most of the time due to her work she's the 2nd personality. She puts all her struggles and stress on me, yells on me a lot, has high expectations and it's overall a horrible person, but she cares for me she buys me nice things. I'm attached to her and I love her but she hurts me everyday. I cry everyday as she yells at me and acts horrible. What should I do
My father has bipolar I he takes his meds but doesn't go to therapy. He is very immature and is also very disrespectful. He always starts fights for no reason and when he gets called out shuts down.
I'm sorry Ines. Very tough. The best thing to do is keep this truth ever before you. It acts, sometimes, as a buffer against embarrassment, shock, and pain.
Vicarious trauma. Fascinating. I knew that that existed but had never had a name for it. You are extremely informative. Thank you for making this video.
Thank You soo much for the 17 tips and or ideas Helps with family issues for members family ralated to Alcoholic Drug Addict and or other Narcissistic behavior
I feel very heard and understood. You encapsulated so much of what I’ve felt in my short time alive. I’m lucky I’m still young and I have the opportunity to dig myself out of my struggles. It’s very hard. Thank you for spreading this knowledge. Just this information alone is a great help.
- Lists a whole lot of problems I might or might not experience - Says that my feeling of being overwhelmed by all these problems is just one more of my problems My brain: tries to figure out if this is some kind of catch 22 or if I am just too far into freeze-mode right now to comprehend this video.
I think it means that most people are able to compartmentalize problems and work on them, but with some people being overwhelmed with problems is a problem in itself and what was once a functioning person with issues, is now a mess of a person with a mess of issues who cannot get out of the mess becasue of all the issues.
My mother is schizophrenic. No ne could understand why it was so traumatic. If I had problem that was serious let's say I had to tell a third party because my mother could not respond. She would imagines something else had happened. Then after she could acknowledge something happened she would keep bringing up the trauma and not able to change the subject. No one understood why this was traumatic. I got to the point where I never told her anything at all even slightly upsetting. It got to the point I couldn't tell her I was even going outside she was so afraid I would be kid napped and raped because that was what the news was pushing at the time and her friends keep pulling me oh it could happen and I should listen. Well that's all I ever listened too growing up. As you can imagine it gave me some social phobias to be sure. People wonder why I dont like to go out or things.
This is traumatic indeed. I think the people who just don't get it are those who can't understand how sick and unstable certain people can be. My mom used to say all the time the sick make you sick. They are disturbing and nothing they do really means much or make sense. I do hope that you were able to find your way separate from her in such a way that you could design your own world and possibly even heal.
I have a question tho My mother is a VERY . VERY . VERY DIFFICULT women and she doesnt have a way of talking. I understand her childhood trama, dealing with my father and now my brother on drugs. How can i talk with such a women, she swears alot and if i was to bring up the topic of 'mental illness' ...
I grew up with a single bipolar, abusive mother and absentee father. My mother always put her needs and her boyfriend’s needs first. 20 years later I find myself reluctantly taking care of her since she has dementia in addition to just being nasty. No one else in the family will do it. I do every in my power to be nothing like her and to be there for my daughter.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is often a complicated dynamic with parents. Having one parent with bipolar and a father who is just as unstable as your mom is hard. I think you are quite a brave person for taking on her health. I'm sure she never thought one day she would have to rely on you.
The day my mom beat me till I blacked out is the day I should have died. She beat me with a plastic hanger and then left me in a closet. I was younger than two. I have a few memories in the first house… we moved when I was three because she was pregnant again with my brother. She had her little play doll my older sister… and I was my dads favorite and I reminded her so much of him…. I should have died…
Oh my. This is so so sad. I'm so very sorry that you have been the victim of a very very sick parent. I hope you have peace now in this life. I once had a client who told me she will never have peace until her abusive father died. My prayers are with you.
My mother was mentally ill with inter generational trauma and covert narcissistic tendencies. Growing up with a mother who could only see her emotional needs and saw herself as the victim unable to look at herself and how she caused some of the problems . I was the identified patient since the age of 2 . My mother put everything into trying to fix me, my learning disability, motor skills , anxiety, depression. After feeling targeted I started acting out yelling screaming becoming angry and verbally abusive. But instead of seeing this as a family problem it was a me problem. I was just crazy sick and ill, but instead of getting to the core it was my treatment; therapy, day treatment, medications, exclusion from family events. Individual therapy, family therapy where I was the focus. Special school etc. I had all this professional help but was emotionally neglected and my mother’s emotional needs were more important. My anger only worsened and my contacted dcf and wanted me emancipated. I just wanted to feel loved instead I felt rejected and not part of my family. A fight ensued between my mother and me . My mother called the police. I was arrested and placed. But she let dcf see me my behavior was the problem and she was the good parent helping her sick child. All that help did not work there was no relationship. She saw me as an adult and I needed to change my behavior. She never saw how what she was doing putting me through the system affected me only how she was affected. Her coldness and rejection only caused me more pain. But my anger towards her was invalidated and she got everyone to see me as the problem and my anger towards her was unjustified. Dcf knew that my mother was mentally ill. Her mental illness was minimized and mine was maximized. I never had behavioral or anger problems until the age of 15. The same time my mother was in the midst of her own mental health treatment. She spent a month at Brattleboro Retreat and then went from working full time to part time. She was mentally unstable. She dragged me into treatment. All my life I wanted to her to see me as normal instead she just saw me as something she needed to fix. She claims other professionals were telling her to do this. In my dcf records it states that the weaknesses of the family was my behavior and I needed to accept my limitations. Strengths of the family were seen as my parents loved me and supported my treatment and were just being good parents and getting me the help that I needed. My mother used to yell and scream at me on the phone was always angry at me and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t change me behavior. Her love was conditional. Shame on Connecticut DCF back in the 1990’s. They were supposed to protect me but instead they protected my parents and did not believe me or take my allegations seriously . Instead they believed my parents I was just an angry individual and should not be believed
my mother has what i think is paranoid schizophrenia. her delusions cause her to be extremely hostile towards my sister and i, as well as my father. i have to live with her right now, because i am 16, but i am planning to move away for college. i really want her to get some help. her delusions have taken an extreme toll on my life with all of the verbal abuse and i am scared for my little sister. cps has been called on my family but they really were unable to do anything at all. it hurts knowing that my parents can’t do anything to take care of me.
I'm really sorry to hear this. This is very difficult for you to deal with. It is obvious that your mother needs help. She isn't capable of caring for herself much less someone else. The sad reality is that not all parents with a mental illness look like they have a mental illness. They can cover themselves very very well and then the child, who may be reaching out for help, may come across as "exaggerating" or "dramatic." It's a catch 2020.
i had a father who was a Vietnam war veteran- a highly decorated military officer,West Point graduate, and devoted father of three. He was on so many psych drugs, endured countless hospitalizations and and endured a never ending cycle of suffering. No one one could help. Not doctors, or priests, or god, or family. For three decades I looked on as he was abandoned by everyone he loved and left to die. I watched my family walk away, and rejoice in his death. He was not always sick, or neglectful, he loved all of us and would be carried away at times by these internal demons. It is not a choice, and I knew from the age of 9, when his illness of paranoid delusions was explained to me as a kind of “biochemical brain scramble “ that this was hopeless and that no one could actually ever explain or cure this. The psycho spiritual and existential questions resulting were never addressed. Instead my grief at this horror was pathologized and dismissed with my own prescriptions intended to heal what can never be healed. You do not recover from this kind of grief. He has been gone over a decade and still the pain is as fresh as is ever was. The only thing you learn is live with it, as I continue to do in my late 40s. You learn to accept and you try to live your life the best you can. You look for the beauty and joy- I remember his jokes, love, his determination and encouragement of all three of us children. Yes we all survived- but his humanity and kindness, his love for others and strong sense of justice, courage - all forgotten in a haze of institutions, drug cocktails and aggravated suffering no doubt inflicted on him in the pursuit of his “healing” . In the end no one can save you but yourself.
So pls what advice can you give one who grew up with an aunt who couldn't show remorse,say something positive, allow you sit on a chair but instead on the floor,starve you, overwork you,make you sleep late etc
My experience is my Adult son who i know its affecting him. My husband has PtSD and is living with my son now. He wont get the help that is needed.(husband),You described so many disorders that i can identify with and experience first hand. Looking forward in seeing more of your helpful videos
It's bad enough that a person has to open their eyes and become willing to do the work to heal from the damage of being raised by one (or more than one) parent. It's extra hard to learn about the damage that was done and grabbing hold of the very last bits of ability and apply them to the broken areas and not have any assurance that you are healing them as they should be, and have the trust and patience that those efforts will bear fruits bearing plants.
I didn't think I had a mental problem till it was too late. My mom was depressed most my life. I was the adult. She was loving but not healthy. I had what I needed to live but not live healthy. I always wanted to be like my dad never like my mom. I'm turning into her now and I can't seem to stop it. My kids suffered from me also I didn't realize I was a mess trying to keep it together but life just got harder and I slacked more I looked to a partner for self esteem. I was married 3 times and my children have mental problems now. Nothing they realize yet we'll one of them prolly does realize it but won't listen to me now on what they should do to help themselves. They just go with what they believe works at the moment. Do you believe our thoughts have power over our physical and mental well being? Could a parent that won't stop worrying about what could happen to their child actually is causing those things to happen? I prolly sound crazy what's your thoughts?
hello i grew up with a mentally ill mother her diagnosis was schizoaffective and she passed away from her diabetes, but i go to support group for families of mental illness
Just now realized that my mom is a narcissist after she put out my raw chicken for two days after I was just trying to tell her and her boyfriend to be more sanitary. I intend on cutting off this relationship for good and find my own peace
This is so helpful thanks so much for such great information. My whole family including me have bipolar I never had kids because I knew it would not be a good idea.
You just described the whole of my life situation. Had a feeling this topic would be a lynchpin for what I've been experiencing. Never have I heard such a comprehensive telling and connected picture as to why all these conditions and experiences are continuous and relentless from childhood throughout adulthood and even after trying to get away. You helped me put the pieces together, but I wonder if it's too late. Do you really think removing the poison will allow for a chance at recovery?
Thanks for watching Ella!! I'm really glad this video was helpful to you. I really wish we had videos available to everyone who offers a comprehensive overview of this topic. Such an overlooked topic!
By talking about such a conditions u lightened the burden that has been accumulated over the years in my heart.Please talk more about such situations.My mom has depression and my dad is very immature to understand and handle her.he z responsible towards her but never loves her .He feels always very embarrassed when people come or he goes out with her as sometimes she becomes high.at the same time he never understands or notices how sweet she is as a normal person and she wants to be with him.He simply feels irritated always.This makes me go mad at him during the childhood I dint understand my mom and behaved like my dad later after growing up understood one by one.and ya I don't have anyone to share my feelings no one at home shows interested in spending time with me or talking to me knowing my interests etc.due to which I lost the ability to be individuality and become isolated.and I will be put on spot by people with attitude who are very active.I want to evolve ,grow as a person and understand my happiness, excitement.I mean literally I am longing for it .I am worried if I could not share happiness or make my future husband happy or continue to be isolated.always right energy should be present between people.
Thank you Uma A. I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like you may also benefit from my videos on emotionally detached and immature parents. You may find the book Adult Children of Immature Parents helpful in our journey to grow and evolve. Take care
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes.And my grand parents although as people they are social with others since they lack exposure awareness and old mentality they always saw my mom as a bad person when she was going on and failed to see the goodness in her.She becomes high as she needed attention and affection and dint know how to express and due to that they feel partially even I am a bad person so never they spoke or thought about my feelings interests, I literally dint know with whom I can share and felt I don't belong to anyone.
I've been watching you for weeks.. You're like one of my best friends lol.. I freaking love your channel
Keep up the great work
Thank you Steve!! 🤗 That's great to hear. Glad to have you.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hello. I have a mom with mental illness and I want to get some help. Please
"There are some people who should never have children." Amen to that! This is the first time I've ever heard someone saying this and I couldn't agree more.
Yes. I still think this 2-3 years after this video!
This is exactly what I deal with. Mom is severely mentally ill, and i’m now 41 and she still is abusive but can’t recognize it. Boy it’s tough.
For real. Why did my mother still have kids knowing she's schizophrenic?
@@redsupergiant78 This type of thing should be a CRIME against humanity! No one deserves to have a child with a MENTALLY ill personal EVER!
1. Codependency
2. Eating Disorder
3. Trauma
4. Development of personality disorder
5. Foster Care
6. Attachment Trauma
7. Parentified child
8. Hopelessness
9. Truancy
10. Lack of identity
11. Isolation
12. Depression
13. Chronic and acute stress
14. Suicidal thoughts
15. Recklesslness
16. Marginalisation
Thank you for highlighting
I don’t judge myself anymore after this 😢thank you
Wow realizing I have most of these negative traits due to being raised by my bipolar, narcissistic father smh now I have a son and I am so afraid of inflicting the same emotional pain and traumas on to him. I prayed to be a mother one day and I really always wanted to but now realizing how tough it is as a single mother battling with the effects of my childhood trauma. I have started therapy and taking medication. Im just hoping and praying it is enough so I can be a better mother to my own son. 🙏🏾
So many of these conditions describe my Father when I was growing up. Thank-you for sharing this
You're welcome. I know it's hard to accept too.
Thank you love!
I have a mother with bipolar disorder and she never understood how her moods and anger was slowly tearing me apart. I couldn't get her to step back and see that.
Thanks for watching!
Parents struggling with bipolar disorder can be tough, especially when there is no or poor treatment.
@truth4utoda Same here! I have been taking care of my bi-polar mother since I was 18 and am now 34 and she lives with me and my family. She now has dementia.
I’ve spent my whole life taking care of my mom with bipolar (6-13 100%). When I was old enough I tried to have a start over for myself and she ended up following me to another state. Time and time again getting kicked out of her apts or her sudden want to move within 24 hours. Stop everything and provide for her needs. It’s always her needs right then and there or she,ll cause hell. Past 2.5 yrs she’s moved into our house and try’s to make me the bad guy and acts as if this is her own home. She’s called elderly abuse on me as I don’t take her to the store every time I go to the store. Now I walk on egg shells to not cause issues. I hide in my room to not cause issues. She only has issues with me. I can’t question anything she says; even just trying to understand what she’s trying to get across. Just today (not the 1st time) she started provoking me by calling me stupid along with other stuff. Once I said Anything she just sat there smirking like her job was done. She can call abuse on me if she doesn’t like something (she did because I didn’t take her to the store) yet I sit here and have to take her abuse. I’m in chronic stress all the time, starting to push others away because I’m embarrassed of our situation. Becoming a parent has really made me realize I fell through the cracks. I should of never had to restrain my mom at 12 from cutting herself, or riding my bike to mental hospitals at 13 to go visit her. Once my parents divorced and I forced by the courts to live with my mom until I was 13 I had to grow up fast or I would of starved. Even when I packed up and left she made it known I abandoned her. Now she’s in my home and I’m trapped once again.
I have bipolar II, my mom is bipolar I. I grew up where she has been in and out of mental hospitals.
I worry I am going to (emotionally, not physically) hurt my child. He is my world. The sun rises and sets on him and then the moon shines for him as well as far as I am concerned. He is my life. But I am so afraid my mood swings are going to hurt him in the long run or not let him live to his full potential.
The mood swings are not directed at him, just in general. I dont even yell at him and we do not spank or hit or anything of the sorts.
He deserves the world and then some.
What were the things your parent did that really harmed you? If you do not mind my asking?
@@PattieM So sorry
It's like you explained my life.
I feel invisible and can't get past how my life turned out due to my father abandoning my mother and me and growing up with her and her mental illness which she deny even having.
As a child I was scared to tell anybody about it, and as a 37 year old woman who is totally broken and dysfunctional I have no support, help or even acknowledge.
I barely work, can't hold a job, full of anger and isolated myself because I feel toxic and don't want to hurt people.
I don't know where to start.
Thank you for the video 🧡🧡
Very much the same sister and to add insult to the injury my younger sibling also got diagnosed with bipolar like mom - it’s exhausting and I did maintain the apartment and managed to get a degree but it just felt too hard to do alone and pointless if I can’t change my past my family and friends are not easy to understand this much trauma. No one is really responsible for me and I’m tired of being responsible for me just barely surviving -
@@AppleJuiceTarot 🧡🧡🧡🧡
yeah. you're right, the trauma just over over and over again in ours head everyday
you’re not alone 🤗 ❤
My dad is a schizophrenic and sometimes it's so hard, I wonder sometimes what did I do deserve the unnecessary problems I go through and have gone through in my life.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough for sure. This is an existential question or question of life that is near impossible to explore. I've asked the same thing during difficult times and I'm sure most of the world does too.
Stay strong. I have a Schizophrenic mother. And she drives ME crazy sometimes.
@@Anonymousejfi3jdujejejdieo hi thanks I am quite optimistic about life but sometimes it gets too much haha .
Stay strong too ❤️
@@stundown Yo??? But why only to adjust?..No solution for dis?☹️☹️
@@varshithkemmasaram2115 sorry I didn't understand?
Everything you’ve talked about from 13:45 to the end of the video has happened to me or is happening right now and I’m sitting here crying my eyes out because I’m in such desperate need of help. I don’t know how to go on with my life whatsoever. I dropped out of school my junior year. I was supposed to be a 2020 graduate and that all ended for me when I fell to my rock bottom. Everything you said is exactly how it is or was for me. I’m looking forward to watching the video you’ve put out talking about how to bounce back from this. Right now I’m not really living at all. I have no friends. hardly a job that pays well. I only eat 1 meal a day. I also struggle with horrible horrible thoughts in my head. I fight myself on a daily basis. For so long I’ve been wanting to fight my way out but it is so fucking hard especially when you still live with that parent that’s holding you down. I’m eternally grateful that theres videos online speaking about this topic because she is right it’s not something that’s talked about a lot. I cannot say thank you enough for making this video. It really does bring me hope to get better. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Omg this happened to me my junior year as well and I had to take a semester off and it was had to bounce back and my mother just don’t understand how bad she effected me. I ended up going back with heavy prayer and I was able to graduate this passing November. So I’m here to tel you that you still can complete your studies and you will graduate. I have siblings under me that just makes it harder. Two out of the sibling have bipolar as well and my thoughts of if something happen to my mother I know what I’m going to have to deal with because with seen it with my mother and how the household was growing up and how it is now. I recently just had suicidal thoughts and ended up going to a liquor store and I don’t drink at all. It’s honestly hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel for me and I honestly don’t know how god was able to get me through this far. I’m glad I came across this video and to see the comments shows that I’m not alone. sorry for the rant but I couldn’t help but see a very similar story ❤️
You're welcome!! And thank you.
I'm really glad this was helpful. I'm really sorry you had to experience this. This is never easy for a child to accept.
I found this channel today and your comment. I feel so sad for you, you must find some help for your parent and focus on your own wellbeing. You must have a friend or a person that can help you find healing and stress relief/management. Set goals and think what you want with your life. Find help, fight for yourself. Find a network, if there is, with other ppl in your situation. And don’t use alkohol or drugs, does ruin you. Wish you the best, from Sweden. 🇸🇪🇪🇪
My mother was strikingly pretty an obsessive about all our clothes and intelligence. She was also susceptible for a degree if psychosis that left her literally insane for up to a few hours. I was four. She had a wish to erase my face but by this point I was bound for unconsciousness. School: things changed overnight with episodic mind games. By the time the words "Mummy is really not very well". I had suffered for example a undisclosed head injury, various abuse, bulimia by proxy and PTSD. How do I feel? As a child I felt ashamed of making my mother unwell (not so!). But I am not good enough. I ace exams, etc, etc, as if I have a wish to excel, through having to think to survive. Yet, to excelI is not my wish. I have chunks of early stage parenting missing. I love people but feel uneasy about my past (Mum was prone to sudden unrestrained violence) and not being quite completed, an almost person. Sometimes, I come across very distressed people, as we all do. I nearly always say hello, or they approach me. Turning things around, not in a fake way, can turn lives around. I never had that luxury as a child, I just defaulted to meet an expectation. To excel. My physical health crashed, of course. Not facing despair is a very bad idea. I actually did so but being so young we became friends
I know this post is two years old. I believe it is still relevant. Please do not try to help your mother or father. It will only drag you deeper down. It is ingrained in children to try to help their parents. But please do help yourself only now. It was not your fault that your mother and/or father is ill and there is very little to be done if they are not responsible enough to look for help. This will not change and could go on for decades. I am talking from experience. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be safe, may you be free dear friend ❤.
I’m happy that you’ve mentioned adult children. I’m 24 and unable to be independent partially due to my mom taking my money (also my other siblings and my dad’s) since I was working at 18 to fulfill her gambling addiction. Her addiction has affected my twin sister’s and younger siblings lives. She does not believe in seeking medical help and she doesn’t not believe mental illness is real. She has expressed this to my 14 year old sister who has expressed having mental illness and wanting help. I try to be that therapist for my little sister because just like my family we all need it.
Umi, Take care of your health. Practice not overreacting. To feel better reduce negative thoughts with a simple practice. Your breath and mind [brain] are closely related causing stress-anxiety. For a better life sit on a chair, neck straight, eyes closed and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for 5-10-15 minutes or more. Don’t fight your thoughts. Slowly the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Do the practice without any expectations. Change happens from within by itself. Day or night, when taking a walk, sitting in a park, when reading, at office, before sleep etc sit or lie down and observe your breath. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a good life. Reduce negative social media. Avoid constipation as it affects the mind instantly. Best wishes. Senior Counsellor.
Appreciate your work! Its crazy how in most black house holds , this is a taboo topic.
Thank you. And I very much agree . It should not be. It only keeps generations bound.
My family is caucasian and it seems they have a huge stigma related to this too for many generations! Though my dad and grandma and most of my family were on benzos for DECADES, no one wanted to heal the issues at core or even discuss that an issue is there. Now I am the “bad guy” for bringing it all up and diving deep into the core issues and healing!!
Omg I am also an “S Smith” 🤩🤩💟💟
At this point if I have kids, I don’t intend leaving them alone with either of my parents as I feel that would be abusive to leave them in the care of people who could do to them mentally what my parents did to me. With no acknowledgement and no remorse and constant lies I would never feel comfortable even leaving my dog with my parents who claim to be “stable middle class Americans.”
@@smilebyyourself never give up your doing well :)
Mental Illness is present in my family, I suffer from PTSD, my mother and my sister were suicidal, and my uncle is paranoid schizophrenic. His daughter has had to deal with his schizophrenia her whole life and I came across your channel because I am searching for guidance on how to deal with a parent who has such a severe mental illness. As adult children not only are me and my cousin battling having parents with mental illness but we are also trying to heal our own PTSD and trauma. I am searching for coping skills on how to handle our parents and also heal our children with any mental illness they may have due to ours. I have been unsuccessful in finding a therapist that specializes in this so I am very grateful to have found your channel!
My dad died when I was 3 and my mom was never the same. She never got diagnosed but she has the exact signs of paranoid personality disorder and dealing with that growing up has messed me up. I didn't have the proper childhood because of it. Recently she got a head injury at work and her delusions are even worse, now I'm in college and it's just taking such a toll on me. The doctor said her brain is slowly deteriorating and she has two years at most. It's so hard seeing her get worse and worse. I haven't shared this info with anyone, most of my family doesn't even know, I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for the video.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its so tough. I'm standing with you in these tough times💌
One moment she's like a normal person then the next she like a crazy person
Thank you for this video. I grew up with a bipolar father. I'm 27 now. I survived, but sometimes I still need videos like this.
Absolutely!! You're welcome.
I think there's always room for learning more.
I have a schitzoeffective mother and I’m 28 still living with her and trying to survive these negative thoughts everyday. Sometimes I lock myself in my room for hours, days feeling hopeless. I need a change of environment ASAP but I’m not financially stable and that gets me more upset.
Do you still love your dad?
@@BradleyCoopertest Yes, but I also know I didn't deserve my childhood. He will always be my Dad.
Thank you so much for this critical information. I am struggling so much after growing up in a religious family with a narcissistic mom and schizophrenic father. No school, no friends, rural isolation. I am so crippled by the alienation I feel towards society and constantly seeking out an imaginary dad. I escaped home at 19 and am 30 now. I’m trying to make sense of this it’s tough.
I escaped at 19 too!
I have 2 wonderful sons!!! They have graduated from OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY and both made the Dean's list their entire time they were in college! I'm so proud and happy for them. But as their mother I can say they saw me goin thru hell. I have such guilt they saw me at my worst. I have been hospitalized 4 times over my mental illness. It's been 7 years since my last stay at mental hospital. I have to stay on track and I'm very conscientious about my moods. Sometimes I don't know it's happening and I have my episodes but staying on my meds and sticking with it has made me somewhat better. My son's are doing great. They lstill love me!!!!
I have two mothers, one had depersonalization disorder along with depression and ocd. And my other mother has seasonal affective disorder and depression. I love and care for my parents very deeply but I can’t help but feel the effects of this environment I have been raised in and the conditions that have shaped who I am. It’s difficult to navigate and I wish I had someone to speak to about this. So thank you for the video
I'm so thankful that I found your channel. You've really spoken to my heart today. Most of the things you discussed apply to me due to my childhood raised by a mentally ill mother and a father who refused to get her help or protect us. At 44, I'm finally trying to pick up the pieces of my life.
That's wonderful to hear! Welcome to the channel. And I'm glad you could find some value in this video.
I am curious if the mentally ill are such bad parents why do we not sterilize them?
Thank you Dr. Tamara I grew up in Foster care.. and let me tell I had so many Narcissistic caretakers... I'm still healing and I'm on my way to mental health.
Oh my. Foster care is tough and sadly, there are a lot of narcissists there. There are also people who should never have children in their care. The stable parents are few in that system. Glad to hear you are healing.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much Dr. Tamara you are making a difference in this world with Your work.. I was so happy when RUclips recommended one of your videos... and I liked your point of view and how you explained things.. it's priceless. Have a good day.
Thank youI clicked because I was specifically looking for mental health professional with brown skin. I stayed because the information was clear and concise and really helped.. I cried reading the comments, realizing we're not alone. F
You're welcome! And welcome to the channel. Glad this was helpful.
Your videos need to go viral... i hope they do.
Thank you 💖
As a child, growing up in Spain, I always knew that my mother was different. She only got diagnosed much later (with bipolar disorder) but during my childhood she had frequent bouts of euphoria and verbal aggressiveness (mostly towards my father; I was basically ignored) with long periods of depression, and suicide attempts. She was always unreachable, cold, and distant. I learned from a very young age to create a huge wall between us; I got very attached to my father, but very distant to her. As a child I also developed symptoms of OCD that I was able to outgrow as I entered adolescence. I never went to a psychologist back then. Coming from a working class background, in the 1980s/1990s in Spain..people like us just didn't go to a psychologist, that was just for rich people and the movies. My first marriage was certainly defined by codependency, maybe that's something I dragged from my childhood. I'm fine now, but it's something you can't really talk about and that very few people can truly understand. I also have very few memories of my childhood, perhaps I repressed them. Thanks for the video.
Unfortunately I married someone just like my mother. Thank God we're divorced now!
Interesting. It’s never too late for self help. I’m 75 years old & looking back at my own lack of self confidence I’ve often wondered if being raised by a mother with schizophrenia impacted me negatively at all. I may have been co-dependent? I was only married a year when my husband was killed by a drunk driver. Since he was the support I never felt I had I never recovered. Plus, I was pregnant at the time. Unlike me, my daughter was an achiever and has done well in life. So, yes, I believe it can take several generations for the cycle to break. I’m subscribing because I feel not just your knowledge on the topic but your sincerity.
This subject makes me emotional. I was an only child with an bi-polar, schizophrenic addict father. It traumatized me although I didn't realize how bad until I reached adulthood and struggled with myself and relationships. I am 37 now and finally dealing with the trauma. I haven't met many other people who had a parent with such a severe mental disorder.
Hi Elizabeth, thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sorry to hear this has been your experience. It's really difficult having a parent with severe mental illness and who sometimes gets so sick that the child becomes the target.
Healing is a journey. Wishing you the best.
Finally someone talking about these problems like they really are. Thank you. Now how can we create some real help for these people who are in denial. 😳
Thank you! That's a good question. It isn't as easy as it may sound. You may want to check out my video on anosognosia:
ruclips.net/video/B7p9GsRV_5U/видео.html. That video should lead to other videos I have done on this topic.
Hello Tamara, thank you so much for being one of few who offers help in this area. Im 27 years old and i have came a long way but my mother is bipolar 1 and schizophrenic and my dad is bipolar 2. Both of them are alcoholics. Im fighting with everything i have in me to break this generational cycle. Im struggling. Again thank you.
Hi Ashley, thank you for watching. This isn't unlike anything I have heard before. It is certainly a cycle. I will be talking about intergenerational trauma in the next week. You may find it useful.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes ive done my fair share of research on intergenerational trauma. Realizing that on both sides of my family the trauma is extensive. I will be tuning in. I will break this cycle. At this time i just dont know how to stop caring so much about my parents. i dont know how to let go. I feel for them because i know the trauma created this but i have to learn to care less or not be so attached....something.
I know your comment is old but I can relate so hard. My mom is bipolar schizoaffective and my dad is schizophrenic. Mom took a while but is getting help but my dad has been homeless for about 15 years and it breaks my heart. I hope things have gotten better for you ♡
I'm in my mom's RUclips account and I'm blasting this on her speaker so she can hear every word you say
🤭🤦♀️ Oh my.
I wanted to learn more about my mental health and the mental illness my mom and I both share... schizophrenia. (I also have high functioning ASD) My mother has passed many years now and I have two grown sons that I raised alone. I'm so happy to have found your video and did not hesitate to subscribe. So looking forward to watching more. Thank you!
My mother was diagnosed with major depression/anxiety and delusions. I’m almost 60 and still trying to figure out how it’s impacted my life. I was the oldest daughter and have a younger brother. Thank you for your video!
You're welcome. And I'm sorry. It's interesting how parental mental health challenges (and personality disorders) can impact a child throughout their life. If it's not treated appropriately you can be impacted for many years.
Me too. It ruined my whole life, being brought up by her, because I had no other adult to turn to for guidance, or for a different perspective on life. I’m in my mid 60s. I’ve always been lonely, never got married or even lived with a man, never achieved anything, never fulfilled myself academically, never learned how to cook or take care of myself because she infantilised me, and I’ve never had a child. My life has been wasted. EDIT. I was 50 before I learned that you are supposed to say hello to shop assistants and waiters etc, before you tell them what you want.
My mom used to get to so upset with how poorly i did in school that she would attack me with a knife. She would only stop tryint to kill me after i tire her out from physically keeping her at bay or if someone intervened like my step dad or sister. This went on for 4 ears from 3rd to the 6th grade. I have my own life now. Thank God i survived all those years with her.
Good for you Mike. That's power. That's healing in a sense. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's obvious mom didn't help that she never got.
But thankfully you are able to move forward.
I would like to speak with her I have Soo much to say she knows so much we need to hear this more!
Thank you so much for this. I feel this video really describes what I went through as a child with a bipolar mother, and undiagnosed neurodivergent father. It is rough. I can see in the comments folks who have had similar experiences to me. I’ll look for the Wednesday video. Thank you so much.
Yes, you're welcome! It's a topic we have to talk more about and I'm hoping to bring some variation of this video back to the channel soon.
And I'm sorry you have experienced this first hand. It certainly isn't an easy thing to experience and ultimately accept. Join me live on Friday, 6pm est. I'll be covering some of this then too.
My mom has so much trauma, PTSD (lived through the Vietnam war as a girl, had periods of hunger, saw dead bodies on the streets, ), also in our family on her mom's side there is a history of mental illness, and she has lost a child before she had me, so she treats me really bad sometimes. She will yell at me for saying something innocous that "triggered her". for example I helped her to apply for disability benefits and she hasn't head back from them so I told her to "either be patient or follow up and call them" and she totally lost it! She does this thing where she will scream in my face until i exit to my room, where I will still hear her screaming at the top of her lungs despite the fact im not even standing in the same room as her? Does anyone else parent do this? Most of the time im understanding of her mental illness, but a lot of times its VERY difficult to bear because its very isolating and to add insult to injuries my dad never defends me or tries to set my mother straight because he is AFRAID of her screaming tirades. In our home there is my parents, grandma, me and my aunt. My mom has a blow up on every one on a regular basis, and we all pretty much just walk on eggshells to keep her calm (also because her screaming is embarassing and im sure our neighbors know she is crazy). Imagine a whole house hold of adults having to deal with her during this pandemic, and we love her and she isnt quit at a state to be committed or anything. When she is having one of her meltdowns she honestly looks like when you see mentally ill people shouting on the streets. Its scary.
Hi Tammy
Thank you for sharing this with everyone because I think it confirms what a lot of the subscribers on this channel are going through or have gone through. During this month and the month of June I will be talking about unstable and psychologically detached parents and some of the traumatic experiences that they cause for their children. This can impact your adult life as I'm sure you're well aware of. Stay tuned!
My mom is the same way😔💔
Wow by chance i found this video and I'm so glad, I wish my psychiatrist could explain herself so openly like you. Thank you so much for your work. If you don't mind I want to share my story. It's gonna be long, bare with me.
My mother was at first diagnosed Bipolar II, then as schizophrenia, later as Bipolar I. Her family apparently have a long medical record dealing with mental health. My dad told me if he knew my mother had a mental illness he would have avoided by all means to have a kid with her, he knew when she was already pregnant and she had to talk about her health with her gynecologist, the doctor even said to my dad after I was born "don't leave her alone with the child because she could probably reject her due to her mental illness". She wasn't a bad mom in the material sense at the beginning, she worked her a*s off to help financially the household, she bought me nice stuff but emotionally she wasn't good. Always was fighting with my dad because he had other children before me and he had to travel a lot due to his work, she was extremely possessive and controlling. I was scared of her mood swings so I tried my best not to make her mad or she would hit me. I don't know what is to have a house (structure) to call mine, for the minimal thing she went berserker and fight the neighbours so we had to move A LOT. During my childhood she had multiple breakdowns ending up in the hospital after neglecting her treatment. I even witnessed a very disturbing scene with her refusing to let me go even if I told her she was hurting me, also crossing the streets without care, eyes unfocused, the whole thing escalated enough when we arrived at one of my aunt's house. She saw my mom was clearly not well and called an ambulance, they agreed to assist just because I was at risk (mental health in my country ain't it).
Thankfully, during those breakdowns my maternal and paternal grandma were around to take care of me, my dad's family was very welcoming to be honest I felt the safest with them. I could be myself without feeling judge, maybe because my aunts and grandma were elementary teachers.
I was really young and I couldn't talk about how bad teachers treated me at school (a Christian school, the irony), I couldn't listen to music because my mother was sensitive, only my moms troubles were important she even judged me because I loved to watch scientific documentals instead of cartoons. Only with my paternal family I felt kind of free.
High School somehow was a breakthrough for me, I could start expressing myself through art, dancing, learning music, having better classmates and teachers (even if I'm socially awkward and usually withdrawn). My dad was way better economically by that time, so we got some commodities like Internet at home so I immerse in reading all kinds of things (as a 90's child, internet was a luxury when I was in school in my country). Then my dad found a job in Europe and I was left alone with her, 1 year and a half they divorced. I didn't want to stay with her but my dad was absent because of his job and by law I had to stay by her side. I went through eating disorder at 16 with bulimia, somehow I realised I was just hurting myself and stopped before causing permanent damage. She started neglecting her treatment again, we got evicted out almost every year no matter where we moved, she started to believe everyone had something against her. I even decided to learn some self-defense techniques because sometimes when I didn't reached her expectations in school she screamed at me and treated me with hurting me, after one day she was about to beat me and I stop her, she never crossed that line.
At 18 I tried to get away from her. My dad was back from Europe, I spent most of the time with him travelling around the country. I wanted to study aboard but I couldn't because of her. They money I earned was to pay her stuff, because after she got divorced, she decided not to work anymore in her mind my dad had the obligation to seek for her well-being because I was in the middle. She never tried to work again despite having a full degree or the opportunity for early retirement. I tried to run away studying in the big city. She called me every day not to say hi but for the things I need to pay for her or because "neighbours were hurting her and it was my obligation to protect her". I gain a lot of weight trying to deal with anxiety and depression with food, I try to kill myself and failed. My dad's business had a major crisis, I had to drop college, my payment as my dad's translator got reduced and devastated I returned to her... She has been using that as a bargain: "You are a mess without me, useless. You're fat like a cow, I wasn't like that at your age". it's being 6 years dealing with her and her mood swings, changing houses over and over again. A year ago, my economy got better, so I started to study in a local university majoring musical education, even though I'm not satisfied it felt like a nice start. But she always ruins everything for me. I'm in the university's choir and I have to travel a lot and every time I'm back, she is about to have a breakdown. Or that time she took some money I was saving in my drawer to pay some postgraduate course she want to pursue because "I shouldn't be selfish and help her to be better", which put a lot of stress in me mentally and physically. My dad, tired of me asking for money advances to deal with her outbursts, suggested me to take mom to her psychiatrist again, I cried in the first meeting, I even told her "I don't understand why I'm crying, I never cry, I never felt like this" and she told me it was good to have side schedules to check my mental health. Then after sometime she told me, reluctantly "I think you're a covert schizoid" and explained what she meant by that. Many things got cleared for me. I felt relieved somehow, and from that day I started for the first time to think about myself. Even though I'm still working on getting in touch with my own body, feelings and the outside world, I'm healing letting go many things and understanding others. I'm still dealing with her and I know my mother will never change, at least I can do it. I'm saving money to move away permanently from her because by her side is like I'm a bird in cage and I'm done with tha. I found her a personal income, so no excuses.
(I almost delete it. It's hard to be so... open lol)
No. I'm glad you didn't delete it because you obviously needed to get this out and process these things out-loud. That's why this channel is here in the first place to give you an open place to share your stories and your thoughts and then get the feedback of a therapist and others going through what you are going through. You obviously had a very sick parent and I agree that your grandparents were a saving grace. That's the typical story-line for children of very emotionally and psychologically unstable parents. The grandparents have to step in to stabilize things and ensure their grandchildren are safe. Thank God for them. I do hope that you are healing and have found a healthy way to heal. The most important thing in your life right now should be you. You've gone through a lot and so you deserve some time to take care of yourself.
This is literally my life... it was my life growing up
I'm glad you shared this comment, noone ever talks about these things but it's nice to find someone to relate to. Especially about the part refusing to take her meds, crossing the street dangerously, physical threats...I am more bothered by little everyday things honestly where it's all about her and smallest thing she can find to get agitated, it's already stressful outside trying to pass the day with zero kindness from strangers to come to a house where it feels unsafe, attacked constantly is sad truly. I am making plans to get my financial independence, I am 21 so it will take time. I feel hopeless sometimes from little everyday stuff, but I still have faith.
Brilliant! This kind of advice and insight was missing from my childhood! - I wish we'd had RUclips back in the sixties and seventies when I was marooned, (with two siblings) with our bipolar mother. Our childhood and adolescence was a living nightmare - and because I was identical to my mother, and her first born, I was the main target of all her wrath, insanity and bitterness, (emotions that she didn't have the courage to train back onto her own extremely cruel OCD mother). It was only when I was in my forties that I was able to write about it, (and only then because of my wonderful husband, who I have just celebrated 40 years with! My dearest friend, philosopher, healer, psychologist and stand-up comedian!) I finally wrote a book about my experience, I hope you won't mind if I mention it here (and of course, Tamara, I would love you to perhaps read it sometime), it's for me and bipolar offspring everywhere! The book, tragi-comical 'Burnt Dress' (by me, Joanna Murphy) was recommended by UK psychologist Oliver James who said "With it's unexpected wit in dark places, Burnt Dress is a vital book for anyone who grew up with extreme parenting." If there are 'bipolar offspring' out there who would be interested, it's available at Amazon. Wishing everyone struggling with such a parent real support and understanding from outside influences - this is vital.
Than You Jo! I'm really glad this video was helpful.
RUclips would have been invaluable to my mother as well who endured some very odd family dynamics and parental challenges. It's good to hear that you could write about what happened because I think once we are able to talk about things (or write about things) that have hurt or traumatized us that's when healing begins.
And thank you for sharing this resource! You're educating me too!
@@TherapistTamaraHill That's great, Tamara, thanks very much for your reply - I'm about to track down your other videos as I've only just discovered them - better late than never! (Just in case you have the time, here's an easier link to the book: www.amazon.co.uk/Burnt-Dress-Joanna-Murphy/dp/0956792081)
Your amazing for educating people on this it’s so important. I grew up in domestic violence and I’m still healing. I’m 17
Hi Liliana,
Thanks so much! I'm glad to have you on the channel. 😊
Domestic violence observed by a child can cause not only PTSD but also years of wounds. It's definitely an unfair situation for unsuspecting children.
I grew up around dv and I’m still healing. I’m 34. I think I’m really still struggling bc my mom is so unwell.
@ah I'm sorry. It is very tough to heal. It's process and a journey.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yeah I just don’t know what to do as far as my mom. I know things would be easier/more stable for her if she moved in with me but it would be hard for me. She’s kinda like a Tasmanian devil.
@ah I understand. There's just no easy answer. Perhaps live with you if there is an emergency otherwise keep that your safe haven. 🤷♀️😔
I completely identified with about the last 1/4 of the video. I've pretty much separated myself from the world. Making it across the finish line just isn't worth the journey over the mountains and through the valleys. It really isn't.
It sounds like you really needed to do that -- get away. Sometimes that's the start of healing.
I come from a family with a history of mental illness and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Mom has major depression and I never once felt a bond with her even though I was extremely anxiously attached to her growing up. I’m an adult working full-time and have always been great at academics and work, but relationships have always been an issue. I refuse to open up even when my life depends on it (literally). I truly believe no one gives a fuck about me and that if I were to die, everyone would be so happy. Thanks mom lol
Similar story here, we seek love but fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy eventually push loved ones away making us feel alone and helpless 😔
Great video, sometimes we don't realize how growing up with a parent who has a mental disorder does to us. My mom was bipolar and just committed suicide last month.
Thank you and I very much agree. Very sorry for your loss.
🙏
Sorry for your loss
Sorry for your loss 🥺
Excellent info. Thanks for sharing. My father is diagnosed GAD and my mother has depressive disorder and I'm undergoing therapy of codependency issues and C-PTSD.
Again thanks for sharing such valuable information freely.
@16:00 wow, now it makes sense that being chronically stressed led me to have high blood glucose that led me to have PCOS.
Sending you lots of love and light💖💖💖
Same 💜... Also in therapy for exactly that. You're not alone. We are not alone 🙏
Hi, thank you so much for this video. My mum has BPD and substance misuse issues and I ended up caring for my sister and becoming my mums parent, in a way. I am 30 now and I’m just starting to make a secure and safe life for myself. Luckily I am quite a stubborn person so I’ve forced myself in to situations which make me uncomfortable so that I can survive so now I’ve been to uni and am starting a career but am only now beginning to move on from the trauma of having a mum like mine. I don’t see her anymore really, just text messages, which helps. I also have a great dad which I’m eternally grateful for and I have started paying for therapy over the past few years which has been invaluable. Thanks so much for covering this topic and for all of your hard work x
Hi Holly,
You're welcome! And thank you for watching.
I'm sorry to hear about this. Most kids who are growing up under a parent with BPD and substance abuse issues or undiagnosed mental illness struggle themselves or are made to be what we call the "parentified child." It's tragic in many ways. It's wonderful that you can now begin a new journey and continue healing. The more you move forward in your life positively, the more you heal. Having a support system, as you do with your dad, is often healing in and of itself. And a positive life/career starting at 30 is often a healthy one because you're older and looking for a different "climate" or pace. Take it from me! LOL
By the way, I just did a new video on this topic that may be helpful as well.
Take care!
My mum just being my mum is one big trauma after the other. It’s effecting my physical health now as well and I have a baby to look after. I feel like she’s my child I wish I had escaped when I was younger. Now I feel responsible for her emotional well-being as no one else is around.
I appreciate this video so much. I relate to so much of this and I'm trying so hard to recover and become a healthy joyful adult and parent myself. My parents were very abusive.
I'm so sorry. This is never easy. We don't ever expect parents to struggle in this way.
I'm grateful to be healed enough to be able to reach out and strive to get to a better place. And for brilliant educated person's like yourself that are willing to share your knowledge and understanding.
This was both helpful and overwhelming. Thank you for putting this information out there.
You're welcome. Glad it was helpful!
And I very much agree. It is a lot to take in.
My dad is disconnected from reality. You can only talk at him, even if you try to engage with him he will react like a NPC
I'm sorry to hear this. This is very hard on a child or adult child. I have a video coming up about this next week. Stay tuned.
Thank you so much.... I do completely agree with you.. on the fact that it's a topic less discussed and lesser in demand. It's really good to see somebody speak on this, a professional cause most topics are based on relationships and cheating but none are based on parental illness..... Again Thanks alot!!
Absolutely. You're welcome! I'll try to incorporate this topic more often.
I have PTSD My mother is bipolar and her parents where jehovah's witnesses. I felt like I never really had a chance. I thought I had mentors as a kid but they molested me and let me down the wrong road. The molesters played on her being bipolar. I went to foster care and my uncle told me to tell them I lied about the abuse of my mother did to me and also so I could move with him because his record wasnt good enough to get custody of me. She still goes off even when things are going good . I have PTSD from it now so traumatic. She will be fine one minute and then switch. I can always tell cause I see it in her eyes. My father was a drug addict but lucky for him his wife and his brother covered up his tracks. I've sacrificed so much of my mental health dealing with all of there stuff. My mother doesn't get help its effected me so much but it's so hard to let go because she can dump on me and I'll still be there for her. It's made me very resentful at times . I moved 2,394 miles from all of them . I've been going to therapy and that's helped a lot.
Thanks for this video it has 6 dislikes probly parents with bipolar not liking the truth
🤭 Maybe.
You're welcome! Thanks for watching.
I grew up with my mom having undiagnosed bipolar. Neglect and mistreat ugh so painful. I relive it sometimes to this day.
This is very difficult Jamason M. I'm sorry you had to experience this. I just recently did a video about the traumatic impact of parents with untreated or poorly treated bipolar disorder. I encourage you to check that out.
Take care
My mother has bipolar. My life has been made so difficult by her illness, she overloaded me with responsibility from a young age. Chose inappropriate sexual partners one of who raped me regularly, and she was very hedonistic, selfish, and egotistical. She was violent both with her partners, and with me and my brother, she is such an overwhelming character there was no opportunity to develop my own or to explore views that differed from her own. It seems in the age of acceptance of mental illnesses that the right of a woman to reproduce trumps the rights of the child to need stability. As soon as i turned 18 i was expected to act as her advocate with police, psychiatric team, and run her buisness whilst trying simultaneously to find my feet as an adult. Needless to say it didn't work and i turned to self medicating and dropped out of college. Little is said about the struggle of children of mentally ill parents thanks for exploring this difficult subject.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I've heard so many stories like this and have counseled many cases of this manner. I would say that your mother had a combination of sociopathic and borderline personality traits that made her emotionally numb, detached, and un-empathic. She clearly needed help and used you to be her surrogate parent. Her immaturity seems to have been the most problematic trait for you because she relied on you too much. You sound like the parentified child. In other words, the child made to be the parent. So many of these kids grow up feeling burdened, tired, and much older than their chronological age. It takes a toll.
I will certainly be talking about this further in the coming weeks.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks for your reply, yes i think you've got her down to a T. Its a complicated subject, i love her dearly - but hate her too. I find it very difficult to accept that it's an illness as it affects so much of who she is and our relationship, although i do still have a relationship with her, my little brother cut all ties as soon as he left home and now considers me his only blood relative.
I would like to give those still dealing with a similar situation hope, my life is now full of life and love, it is possible to move on, though it did take me moving 9000 miles to find my own way.
I look forward to your further exploration of this subject as it is so important to help those affected and not just those ill.
Absolutely. You're welcome!
That's great. It sounds like you have experienced what we call "post traumatic growth." It's a new wave of life after healing with better insight and direction.
Take care
Wow I cant believe I found your channel. I have both parents who have mental illnesses. My mom with epilepsy, my dad with alcohol and depression. My dad was removed from the home about 3 or 4 years ago. I had to grow up fast. I have always been my mom's care taker. Also being first generation Mexican American and cultural differences is hard. Like Trying to find your identity, have a professional career develop in your own way is not easy. I have been going to therapy to help me to start do something about it.
Welcome to the channel!
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough, as I point out in the video, but even harder when you are a first generation Mexican American. My great grandfather was a first generation Native American and it made his life a lot harder.
I'm glad that you are in therapy. I do hope this channel will be helpful on your journey.
I wish I knew what was wrong with my mom... I can't tell if it's BPD or something else. She has been verbally and emotionally (and physically) abusive to my dad all throughout my childhood and even to this day. She gets irrationally angry and cannot ever be in the same room as him without treating him like dirt. But he's just as crazy as she is and is in denial that there is anything wrong with her. I have no idea why he stays. I am 33 years old now and just coming to the realization of how messed up my childhood was and how messed up they continue to be. It worries everyone around them, but nobody says anything and nobody ever stands up to my mom because she's so frightening. I am the only one who stands up to her, but it's such a toxic place for me to be in. I wish I had a loving, calm, and stable mother, and a loving, calm, and steady father, but they have both been physically abusive and always got their way by yelling and threatening physical harm. I think I'm going to cut them off from my life. I feel so resentful towards them. They seem to have no idea what their actions do to others.
The resentment you feel is understandable.Even since mandated reporting has been a legal obligation for teachers, counsellors & mental health professionals, some parents are so oblivious & emotionally immature that they get away with abusing their children.
None of us want to see defenceless children psychologically harmed while they're stuck in the middle of their parents fights, but sadly it still happens because "service" departments can't physically intervene because your parents rights supersede their children's (yours).
I wish your videos had been around when I was a kid. As the adult daughter of a schizoaffective mother with the co-diagnosis of BPD I can honestly say that these parents don't ever change without medication. It never gets better, ever. It's a lot like dementia or alzheimers in that a certain level of functionality is maintained for a time but never improves and only has one direction.
I think my older sister was parentified and I think that she inherited our mom’s bipolar. The last two times I’ve communicated with her has been really negative. One time I was talking to her and I was being vulnerable and she blurted out “I’m not your mother” I was so confused about why she even said that. I swear my family has caused me so much pain and it’s unbelievable how they are.
My dad is schizofrenic and my mom has two cancers. Life is really hard for me sometimes. I do have my share of difficulties, such as battling isolation, anger, and depression, but I try my best every day, seeking support from as many people as possible and my therapist. I force myself to take care of me, I go to the gym I eat well, I try to be a good daughter. It's not always easy, but I do my best and I will make it to the place I wanna get, eventually. I believe in myself. If you are reading this, you are stronger than you could ever imagine ❤
U described my life and my feelings since i could remember, my mother was and is a paranoid schizophrenic she had four kids with my father who was a abusive drug addict who died about twenty years ago, and im 30 years old now and about a year and a half from my release from from prison and im just starting to learn about how much this has effected me everything u said i deal with constantly. before i do anything i have to fix my mind. Thank u for your insight
I'm really sorry to hear this. This is tough and any child who has to go through something like this will likely walk away with some form of trauma. Unhealthy parents make unhealthy kids. Thankfully, you can rebound as an adult with the proper knowledge, emotional work, and healing.
Thanks for watching~
I'm sorry. Judging by your second comment it is clear she is unhealthy. Not clear on your age but I suggest counseling if possible to get an "outsider" on your side so they can see it too. A good therapist is a good advocate too.
I really hope not. That's not the answer.
I have a similar problem lol
Im currently 19 with 3 brothers
Eldest Brother is a drug addict an his 29
Father was an alcoholic all his life or since we were born
Mother is the one with the delusional illness and mental illness
Neglected us all but in her own right she kept us in school, fed, ect.
But she also has bipolar as she is a single parent dealing with STRESSSSSS
Thank you for this. I related to many of your points and have seen many effects from my fathers inflcited trauma. He is not diagnosed, is an alcoholic and has never sought help. I've gone through many cycles of one or more of these points. I'm 27 now and I've had to move back in with my father, mother and sister.. It is incredibly detrimental to me and I can feel myself spiralling as his alcoholism is a trigger for my anxiety. My sister is also 17 years younger than me and I feel so protective over her, yet it caused me to be in the firing line and I cannot handle it. I'm also recovering from another failed relationship. This video made me realise I'm not crazy :)
Hi Ruby,
I'm really glad this was helpful to you.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My extended family has endured an alcoholic parent and it is never easy. The ups and downs in your emotions and thoughts alone about the parent can drain you. His behaviors are most likely going to continue to impact you until you are able to find the strength from within to cope. It may be helpful to reach out to a therapist who can teach you ways to cope in a healthy fashion.
And no, it's not you. It's him. Take care
@@TherapistTamaraHill i really appreciate your response! :) thank you again! 💕
Thank you so much for this information.
You are so welcome!
Thank you for this video! I have mother with bipolar disorder and i can feel that she is getting worst and video like this was what i needed ❤️❤️❤️
You're welcome!!
I'm sorry to hear that. This is tough.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Yes it is, but i am watching your another video about bipolar parents and i hope it will help me understand her better ☺️❤️❤️
@@brumbrum3266 Me too! That's great.
Last segment hit the nail on the head.
I take care of my mentally ill mother it's overwhelming but all she has is me. It's diffenly a job but I'm getting threw it being strong. Thank you for the videos!
You're welcome! I pray you find strength to continue this work.
Mental health was never spoken about in my household. My parents raised my siblings and I in a super strict, high demand, abusive religious cult and seeking professional help for mental illness was completely vilified. Looking back now, my mother really needed professional help (she still does, but she’ll never seek it - she doesn’t see she has any issues), and I desperately needed help (suicidal from 11, among so many other issues that you listed).
Codependency ✔️ Eating disorder ✔️ Attachment trauma ✔️ Isolation and withdrawal, depression ✔️ Lack of identity ✔️ Anxious ✔️ Chronic stress ✔️ Suicidal and self harm ✔️ Helplessness ✔️
For the impact is as you rightly said self harm suicidal ideation,self HATE, not functional in the society,lowself estimation, depression, isolation,etc
I wish that people with diagnosed mental illnesses would be made to be sterilized/prevented from having or adopting childresn.
Some situations really make you think.this way.
Totally agree!! The government is good playing God and making laws to accommodate people of certain lifestyles or faiths (Muslims ,homosexuals, transgenders, etc), so why don't they make a law to sterilize severely mentally ill people or remove their children from their household if they are not able to show signs of mental/ psychological improvement.
I mean.......it depends
I truly agree here, should be locked up 2
That’s a heck of lot of people, may destroy the the economy!
This is often a tough topic for most people. We would all like to see out parents as healthy but sometimes they just arent.
If this was helpful please like, share, and comment!
Taking care of my mentally ill mother now. She is a senior and is compounded with dementia. Mom has severe BPD and was actually institutionalized in the 60's for it. She never took meds or got follow up care. My father left her when we were young as her mania episodes were something from Mommy Dearest ( I don't blame him) My siblings and I all left as teenagers. She ruined our lives in many ways. Don't ever expect acknowledgment of all the pain and hurt they put you through, in my case mom is also narcissistic and it's always about her and will always be about her until the day she dies. The good news is now she is on the proper the meds as I am her care taker and makes sure she takes them everyday. She still has the mania episodes which present differently in elderly but I also have meds for those. They truly help. The sad part is, as I am taking care of her physical well being, health care, financial affairs and all other everyday needs, I will never be emotionally present for her again. As she destroyed that part of me my entire childhood and adult life whenever I got close she would drop the hammer of ugly all over me. I often wonder what is like to have a healthy mother daughter relationship..
Hi i have a schizophrenic mom so basically she doesn’t do anything she just sleep and even urinate herself on bed living she’s been like this like 2 years I’m so done so next week we are taking her to her moms house cuz i can’t do this anymore i feel bad but I’m ready to cut her from my life I’m sad and im in pain my mom was a good mom until the she got sick maybe hopefully someday she might be back all healthy cuz i know she will im praying hard untill that I’m gonna make my myself better!!
I love her but I can’t be with her she’s draining all my energy so I glad to stay away from her
My mom isn't bipolar but she has two personalities - one is caring and loving and the other is manic, yells, mean, silent trearment, arrogant and not caring at all.
She switches between them, but most of the time due to her work she's the 2nd personality. She puts all her struggles and stress on me, yells on me a lot, has high expectations and it's overall a horrible person, but she cares for me she buys me nice things. I'm attached to her and I love her but she hurts me everyday. I cry everyday as she yells at me and acts horrible.
What should I do
My father has bipolar I he takes his meds but doesn't go to therapy. He is very immature and is also very disrespectful. He always starts fights for no reason and when he gets called out shuts down.
I'm sorry Ines. Very tough. The best thing to do is keep this truth ever before you. It acts, sometimes, as a buffer against embarrassment, shock, and pain.
Vicarious trauma. Fascinating. I knew that that existed but had never had a name for it. You are extremely informative. Thank you for making this video.
Thank you Isla! 😊 And you're welcome.
@@TherapistTamaraHill You are most welcome. I look forward to watching more of your videos. 😊
Thank You soo much for the 17 tips and or ideas
Helps with family issues for members family ralated to Alcoholic Drug Addict and or other Narcissistic behavior
You're welcome!! Thanks for watching.
I feel very heard and understood. You encapsulated so much of what I’ve felt in my short time alive. I’m lucky I’m still young and I have the opportunity to dig myself out of my struggles. It’s very hard.
Thank you for spreading this knowledge. Just this information alone is a great help.
This is the first video I’ve watched from your channel. I AM IN LOVE!
🤭Thank you! Hope it was helpful.
- Lists a whole lot of problems I might or might not experience
- Says that my feeling of being overwhelmed by all these problems is just one more of my problems
My brain: tries to figure out if this is some kind of catch 22 or if I am just too far into freeze-mode right now to comprehend this video.
I think it means that most people are able to compartmentalize problems and work on them, but with some people being overwhelmed with problems is a problem in itself and what was once a functioning person with issues, is now a mess of a person with a mess of issues who cannot get out of the mess becasue of all the issues.
Your video has really helped me understand my Father's behaviour. Thank you for your energy and effort. UK.
💖 Thank you! Glad it was helpful!
And you're welcome.
Omg I feel like you’re my personal therapist 😊💪🏽💜
💖Thank you!! That's great.
My mother is schizophrenic. No ne could understand why it was so traumatic. If I had problem that was serious let's say I had to tell a third party because my mother could not respond. She would imagines something else had happened. Then after she could acknowledge something happened she would keep bringing up the trauma and not able to change the subject. No one understood why this was traumatic. I got to the point where I never told her anything at all even slightly upsetting. It got to the point I couldn't tell her I was even going outside she was so afraid I would be kid napped and raped because that was what the news was pushing at the time and her friends keep pulling me oh it could happen and I should listen. Well that's all I ever listened too growing up. As you can imagine it gave me some social phobias to be sure. People wonder why I dont like to go out or things.
This is traumatic indeed. I think the people who just don't get it are those who can't understand how sick and unstable certain people can be. My mom used to say all the time the sick make you sick. They are disturbing and nothing they do really means much or make sense.
I do hope that you were able to find your way separate from her in such a way that you could design your own world and possibly even heal.
Thanks for sharing your story, I can relate 🙁 it's all just horrible to take...
Good morning
To be honest i wanted to cry as i only came across your channel now and how your info applied to my mother.
I'm sorry. Videos like this are always difficult.
I have a question tho
My mother is a VERY . VERY . VERY DIFFICULT women and she doesnt have a way of talking.
I understand her childhood trama, dealing with my father and now my brother on drugs.
How can i talk with such a women, she swears alot and if i was to bring up the topic of 'mental illness' ...
I grew up with a single bipolar, abusive mother and absentee father. My mother always put her needs and her boyfriend’s needs first. 20 years later I find myself reluctantly taking care of her since she has dementia in addition to just being nasty. No one else in the family will do it. I do every in my power to be nothing like her and to be there for my daughter.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is often a complicated dynamic with parents. Having one parent with bipolar and a father who is just as unstable as your mom is hard. I think you are quite a brave person for taking on her health. I'm sure she never thought one day she would have to rely on you.
I feel like I really needed to watch this. And more. Thank you for sharing your knowledge ❤️🙏
You're welcome! That's great!
Thank you for watching 😊
Thank you 💚
You're welcome 😊
The day my mom beat me till I blacked out is the day I should have died. She beat me with a plastic hanger and then left me in a closet.
I was younger than two. I have a few memories in the first house… we moved when I was three because she was pregnant again with my brother. She had her little play doll my older sister… and I was my dads favorite and I reminded her so much of him….
I should have died…
Oh my. This is so so sad. I'm so very sorry that you have been the victim of a very very sick parent. I hope you have peace now in this life. I once had a client who told me she will never have peace until her abusive father died. My prayers are with you.
My mother was mentally ill with inter generational trauma and covert narcissistic tendencies. Growing up with a mother who could only see her emotional needs and saw herself as the victim unable to look at herself and how she caused some of the problems . I was the identified patient since the age of 2 . My mother put everything into trying to fix me, my learning disability, motor skills , anxiety, depression. After feeling targeted I started acting out yelling screaming becoming angry and verbally abusive. But instead of seeing this as a family problem it was a me problem. I was just crazy sick and ill, but instead of getting to the core it was my treatment; therapy, day treatment, medications, exclusion from family events. Individual therapy, family therapy where I was the focus. Special school etc. I had all this professional help but was emotionally neglected and my mother’s emotional needs were more important. My anger only worsened and my contacted dcf and wanted me emancipated. I just wanted to feel loved instead I felt rejected and not part of my family. A fight ensued between my mother and me . My mother called the police. I was arrested and placed. But she let dcf see me my behavior was the problem and she was the good parent helping her sick child. All that help did not work there was no relationship. She saw me as an adult and I needed to change my behavior. She never saw how what she was doing putting me through the system affected me only how she was affected. Her coldness and rejection only caused me more pain. But my anger towards her was invalidated and she got everyone to see me as the problem and my anger towards her was unjustified. Dcf knew that my mother was mentally ill. Her mental illness was minimized and mine was maximized. I never had behavioral or anger problems until the age of 15. The same time my mother was in the midst of her own mental health treatment. She spent a month at Brattleboro Retreat and then went from working full time to part time. She was mentally unstable. She dragged me into treatment. All my life I wanted to her to see me as normal instead she just saw me as something she needed to fix. She claims other professionals were telling her to do this. In my dcf records it states that the weaknesses of the family was my behavior and I needed to accept my limitations. Strengths of the family were seen as my parents loved me and supported my treatment and were just being good parents and getting me the help that I needed. My mother used to yell and scream at me on the phone was always angry at me and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t change me behavior. Her love was conditional. Shame on Connecticut DCF back in the 1990’s. They were supposed to protect me but instead they protected my parents and did not believe me or take my allegations seriously . Instead they believed my parents I was just an angry individual and should not be believed
my mother has what i think is paranoid schizophrenia. her delusions cause her to be extremely hostile towards my sister and i, as well as my father. i have to live with her right now, because i am 16, but i am planning to move away for college. i really want her to get some help. her delusions have taken an extreme toll on my life with all of the verbal abuse and i am scared for my little sister.
cps has been called on my family but they really were unable to do anything at all. it hurts knowing that my parents can’t do anything to take care of me.
I'm really sorry to hear this. This is very difficult for you to deal with. It is obvious that your mother needs help. She isn't capable of caring for herself much less someone else. The sad reality is that not all parents with a mental illness look like they have a mental illness. They can cover themselves very very well and then the child, who may be reaching out for help, may come across as "exaggerating" or "dramatic." It's a catch 2020.
i had a father who was a Vietnam war veteran- a highly decorated military officer,West Point graduate, and devoted father of three. He was on so many psych drugs, endured countless hospitalizations and and endured a never ending cycle of suffering.
No one one could help. Not doctors, or priests, or god, or family. For three decades I looked on as he was abandoned by everyone he loved and left to die.
I watched my family walk away, and rejoice in his death.
He was not always sick, or neglectful, he loved all of us and would be carried away at times by these internal demons.
It is not a choice, and I knew from the age of 9, when his illness of paranoid delusions was explained to me as a kind of “biochemical brain scramble “ that this was hopeless and that no one could actually ever explain or cure this.
The psycho spiritual and existential questions resulting were never addressed. Instead my grief at this horror was pathologized and dismissed with my own prescriptions intended to heal what can never be healed.
You do not recover from this kind of grief. He has been gone over a decade and still the pain is as fresh as is ever was. The only thing you learn is live with it, as I continue to do in my late 40s.
You learn to accept and you try to live your life the best you can. You look for the beauty and joy- I remember his jokes, love, his determination and encouragement of all three of us children. Yes we all survived- but his humanity and kindness, his love for others and strong sense of justice, courage - all forgotten in a haze of institutions, drug cocktails and aggravated suffering no doubt inflicted on him in the pursuit of his “healing” .
In the end no one can save you but yourself.
I mean this in the most positive way possible, but you have such a beautiful laugh ❤️
😃Thank you
Mom is schitzo. Dad is manic depressive/bipolar. I was the parent & I'm exhausted. 33 years old. Only child. I'm so over everything.
I'm going through something similar, I'm also the only child. I'm so clueless right now.
My Father was an alcoholic and my Mother was mentally I'll Very traumatic Thanks for the video
You're welcome. And I'm sorry you have had to live with this. It's never easy.
thank you for recognizing this
You're welcome 💖
Very helpful! Thank You! This is relevant for me. Important subject, clearly explained.
Glad it was helpful! Thank you
I had an anxiety attack watching this everything is spot on
I'm sorry 😞
So pls what advice can you give one who grew up with an aunt who couldn't show remorse,say something positive, allow you sit on a chair but instead on the floor,starve you, overwork you,make you sleep late etc
My experience is my Adult son who i know its affecting him. My husband has PtSD and is living with my son now. He wont get the help that is needed.(husband),You described so many disorders that i can identify with and experience first hand. Looking forward in seeing more of your helpful videos
It's bad enough that a person has to open their eyes and become willing to do the work to heal from the damage of being raised by one (or more than one) parent. It's extra hard to learn about the damage that was done and grabbing hold of the very last bits of ability and apply them to the broken areas and not have any assurance that you are healing them as they should be, and have the trust and patience that those efforts will bear fruits bearing plants.
Point well taken. I think a lot of people can relate to this Larry. I'm sorry you have had to experience this.
I didn't think I had a mental problem till it was too late. My mom was depressed most my life. I was the adult. She was loving but not healthy. I had what I needed to live but not live healthy. I always wanted to be like my dad never like my mom. I'm turning into her now and I can't seem to stop it. My kids suffered from me also I didn't realize I was a mess trying to keep it together but life just got harder and I slacked more I looked to a partner for self esteem. I was married 3 times and my children have mental problems now. Nothing they realize yet we'll one of them prolly does realize it but won't listen to me now on what they should do to help themselves. They just go with what they believe works at the moment. Do you believe our thoughts have power over our physical and mental well being? Could a parent that won't stop worrying about what could happen to their child actually is causing those things to happen? I prolly sound crazy what's your thoughts?
Not all of us with bipolar are like this some of us are aware of our illness and do the work to get better! My kids are happy and healthy
Absolutely! I don't disagree. But the reality is that some are this way, especially if they are not getting appropriate treatment.
hello i grew up with a mentally ill mother her diagnosis was schizoaffective and she passed away from her diabetes, but i go to support group for families of mental illness
Hi Samantha, I'm very sorry for your loss. But I'm glad to hear you are in a support group. That is always helpful.
Just now realized that my mom is a narcissist after she put out my raw chicken for two days after I was just trying to tell her and her boyfriend to be more sanitary. I intend on cutting off this relationship for good and find my own peace
Awesome, love the way you explain things, very helpful, thanks
Thank you!😊
I'm glad this was helpful!
This is so helpful thanks so much for such great information. My whole family including me have bipolar I never had kids because I knew it would not be a good idea.
You're welcome!! Glad this was helpful. And thank you!
You just described the whole of my life situation. Had a feeling this topic would be a lynchpin for what I've been experiencing. Never have I heard such a comprehensive telling and connected picture as to why all these conditions and experiences are continuous and relentless from childhood throughout adulthood and even after trying to get away. You helped me put the pieces together, but I wonder if it's too late. Do you really think removing the poison will allow for a chance at recovery?
Thanks for watching Ella!!
I'm really glad this video was helpful to you. I really wish we had videos available to everyone who offers a comprehensive overview of this topic. Such an overlooked topic!
Leisa Cash Thank you! Appreciate the resources.
Thank you 💖
And thanks for sharing this resource!
Thanks
You're welcome
By talking about such a conditions u lightened the burden that has been accumulated over the years in my heart.Please talk more about such situations.My mom has depression and my dad is very immature to understand and handle her.he z responsible towards her but never loves her .He feels always very embarrassed when people come or he goes out with her as sometimes she becomes high.at the same time he never understands or notices how sweet she is as a normal person and she wants to be with him.He simply feels irritated always.This makes me go mad at him during the childhood I dint understand my mom and behaved like my dad later after growing up understood one by one.and ya I don't have anyone to share my feelings no one at home shows interested in spending time with me or talking to me knowing my interests etc.due to which I lost the ability to be individuality and become isolated.and I will be put on spot by people with attitude who are very active.I want to evolve ,grow as a person and understand my happiness, excitement.I mean literally I am longing for it .I am worried if I could not share happiness or make my future husband happy or continue to be isolated.always right energy should be present between people.
Thank you Uma A. I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like you may also benefit from my videos on emotionally detached and immature parents. You may find the book Adult Children of Immature Parents helpful in our journey to grow and evolve.
Take care
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes.And my grand parents although as people they are social with others since they lack exposure awareness and old mentality they always saw my mom as a bad person when she was going on and failed to see the goodness in her.She becomes high as she needed attention and affection and dint know how to express and due to that they feel partially even I am a bad person so never they spoke or thought about my feelings interests, I literally dint know with whom I can share and felt I don't belong to anyone.